Archive of Our Own ^beta

Christmas is the one time a year where everyone can breathe and have fun. The 100th take the fun to a whole 'nother level.

So after last years disaster these rules appeared all over the base, nobody knows who exactly wrote them. But let's go over it shall we.

Number one. Every couple has to exchange gifts that cost no more than $5 but they must have some sentimental value, such as a pinecone molded into a heart or a piece of flak from a "fond memory."

Number two. Meatball gets to pick the Christmas tree. If he chooses someone's shrubbery again, too dam bad.

Number three. No one is to hang mistletoe near Brady and DeMarco's bed, they're already insufferable.

Number four. Smokey must dress up as Santa, but Stormy has to redesign the suit to include sequins and a feather boa.

Number five. Any disputes have to be settled via snowball fights. No exceptions.

Number six. Quinn you are banned from starting another "egg nog waterfall" tradition. The roof for the mess still stinks from last year.

Number seven. Every stocking must contain something absurdly impractical.

Additionally: Examples from last year: a live fish, a miniature accordion, and a jar of gravy.

Number eight. No one is allowed to sing "Silent Night" ironically in a baritone voice, this is specifically towards Red.

Number nine. The group Christmas photo must have everyone in matching ugly sweaters crocheted by Helen. She works so hard on them all year long.

To Buck and Bucky.

Number ten. Bucky must serenade Buck with a Christmas carol leading up to Christmas. His guitar must only have three strings.

Number eleven. Bucky must insist they wear matching reindeer onesies all day on Christmas eve, even during serious meetings.

Number twelve. Bucky is required to gift Buck one thing with glitter every year.

Additionally: Last year, it was a glitter grenade, because get it glitter bomb, glitter grenade same gist.

Number thirteen. They are to not sabotage the punch bowl at the party more than once.

Number fourteen. Bucky keeps "misplacing" Buck's gift under Meatball's blanket and then laughing hysterically when he freaks out about it.

To Hambone and Douglass.

Number fifteen. Hambone must surprise Douglass with breakfast in bed every morning of December, whether said breakfast is edible is irrelevant.

Number sixteen. Douglass is prohibited from knitting well drunk especially after last year's 20 foot scarf incident.

Number seventeen. Their shared Christmas tradition involves hiding tinsel bombs in random ass places, but you are banned from putting them in the latrines this year, sorry.

Number eighteen. Hambone has to read Douglass a bedtime story from a very cheesey Christmas romance novel every night, include the god awful accents please.

Number nineteen. Douglass must insist that he perform his interpretive dance version of The Nutcracker for the group.

To Bubbles and Crosby.

Number twenty. Crosby has a rule where Bubbles can only open a present after solving a riddle like some werid ass goblin, which get progressively harder.

Number twenty one. Bubbles must taken it upon himself to kiss Crosby under mistletoe every single time they are under it, to the point it's chaos.

Number twenty two. Crosby must insist they dress as elves to distribute everyone's presents. Bubbles's elf ears have to be crooked.

Number twenty three. They must do their "12 Days Of Christmas" skit again, which will get increasingly inappropriate.

Number twenty four. Bubbles is banned from making Crosby's gingerbread cookies anatomically correct.

To Brady and DeMarco.

Number twenty five. Brady must insist on singing Christmas carols at 4 am every day in December, and DeMarco is contractually obligated to harmonize.

Number twenty six. DeMarco has to wrap Brady's gifts in duct tape. Brady loves a challenge.

Number twenty seven. They're not to bake together without a fire extinguisher nearby.

Number twenty eight. Brady has to wear the light-up Rudolph nose DeMarco brought him last year while he helps with Christmas dinner.

Number twenty nine. DeMarco writes a sappy Christmas poem for Brady, but please have it rhyme this year.

To Curt and Dickie.

Number thirty: Curt is required to come up with the most ridiculous excuse he can, to get Dickie to look at the Christmas tree every hour.

Additionally: "I think I saw Santa!" Is your best bet. It worked really well last year.

Number thirty one. Dickie refuses to wear anything that isn't plaid for the entirety of December.

Number thirty two. Curt and Dickie have to compete in gingerbread house-building contest. Their houses are utter disasters but absolutely hilarious.

Number thirty three. They are banned from attempting synchronized ice skating on the frozen pond.

Number thirty four. Dickie must insist they find the tackiest Christmas decorations they can and make it the centerpieces for the mess tables.

To Ken and Winks.

Number thirty five. Ken and Winks are required to choreograph a Christmas duet and perform it during the Christmas party. It was amazing last year.

Number thirty six. Winks must wear the elf hat Ken bought for him last year.

Number thirty seven. Ken is forbidden from attempting to install Christmas lights after last year's "ladder debacle."

Number thirty eight. They are the self-appointed judges of the Christmas sweater competition and no you can't bribe them.

Additionally: They can be blackmailed.

Number thirty nine. Ken must wrap every single one of Winks's presents in newspaper and duct tape.

To Smokey and Stormy.

Number forty. Smokey must wear whatever ridiculous Christmas outfit Stormy pulls out for him.

Number forty one. Stormy must insist on making a 20-foot-long wreath for the mess, and Smokey must be roped into helping.

Additionally: I didn't say this, but sex might help the roping process go easier.

Number forty two. They are to not argue about who makes the best hot cocoa. You both do, so shut up about it!

Number forty three: Stormy you are banned from taking the star off the tree and putting a disco ball on instead. I know it was you.

Number forty four. Smokey must insist they reenact a very dramatic version of A Christmas Carol, Stormy must star as every ghost.

To Helen and Nash.

Number forty five. Nash has to write a love letter to Helen every day in December. And Helen you must read them out loud to everyone at breakfast.

Number forty six. Helen must insist they bake cookies together well listening to Red's Christmas jazz record. Nash's cookies will be burnt, but Helen and the rest of us will eat them gladly.

Number forty seven. Helen must teach Nash one new Christmas carol every day. Since Nash refuses to learn the words to "Jingle Bells."

Number forty eight. They are banned from ever making homemade ornaments after last year's glue disaster. Besides its Bubbles's and Crosby's job.

Number forty nine. Helen must insist on wrapping Nash's presents in absolutely ridiculous elaborate bows.

To Kidd and Harding.

Number fifty. Harding you can't wear the Santa suit to every meal.

Number fifty one. Kidd must insist they make a snowman family together, it must have a snow-dog version of Meatball.

Number fifty two. They must recreate a dramatic Christmas movie scene again this year. It was so funny last year.

Number fifty three. Harding is forbidden from starting a eggnog-drinking contest. He's just gonna win.

Number fifty four. Kidd must insist on painting Harding's face as "frostbitten" for the now annual Christmas costume contest.

Number fifty five. Every couple has to sing a Christmas duet at the Christmas party, no matter how horrible it sounds.

Number fifty six. Meatball is to put the tree topper on. One don't ask how that's possible, DeMarco trained him, and two no one is to argue.

Number fifty seven. Friedkin is required to host the Christmas trivia game, despite him not knowing anything. It just makes it funnier.

Number fifty eight. Crank has to provide commentary during the gift exchange like a sports announcer.

Number fifty nine. Every present has to be wrapped in something unconventional.

Additionally: Examples. A potato sack, a scarf, and tin foil.

Number sixty. Quinn, and Babyface must organize a snowman competition that will be judged by Meatball.

Number sixty one. Babyface's karaoke mic is limited to ten minutes.

Number sixty two. The "who can eat the most candy canes" contest only ends when one of us is puking our brains out.

Number sixty three. Curt isn't allowed to replace the cocoa with spiked cider.

Number sixty four. Buck insists on having a quiet, romantic Christmas Eve dinner, Bucky on the other hand must keep inviting everyone over, including every Joe, Steve, Billy Bob Thornton, Marine, and random ass paratroopers that he found down the road.

Number sixty five. No doing snow angels in the middle of the runway.

Number sixty six. Murphy no fireworks in the Christmas pudding this year please.

Number sixty seven. Every snowfall will be celebrated with a toast.

Number sixty eight. Yes the reindeer antlers on the Jeeps are mandatory.

Number sixty nine. Red must approve all tree decorations to avoid last year's "cabbage and condom incident."

Number seventy. No one say anything when Crosby sings the same line from any Christmas song 50 times. I know it's annoying, but it's quirky.

Number seventy one. No one is to ask why Harding insists on putting six stars on top of the Christmas tree.

Additionally: Don't ask how he manages this.

Number seventy two. Murphy is banned from starting another snowball trebuchet project.

Number seventy three. Babyface must get everyone's okay before trying to install another "indoor snowstorm machine."

Number seventy four. Meatball is the official tie breaker for any holiday debates.

Additionally: His barks counts as yes.

Number seventy five: Brady and DeMarco must referee the reindeer relay race, but no one is to explain the rules beforehand.

Additionally: It's better you don't ask where we get the reindeer.

Number seventy six: Babyface please don't turn the nativity scene into a soap opera with action figures.

Number seventy seven: Bucky you must insist every meal to include at least one dish shaped like a Christmas tree, whether it makes sense or not.

Number seventy eight: Helen is responsible for present checking especially after last year's "exploding popcorn tin" fiasco.

Number seventy nine. Douglass and Hambone no gingerbread demolition derby.

Number eighty. Each couple is to get a barrack to decorate, the results will be judged by Meatball. No we don't know how he picks the winner.

Number eighty one. DeMarco is to not use tinsel as a hair accessory.

Additionally: Glitter is prohibited as well.

Number eighty two. Crosby and Bubbles can put up Christmas lights, as long as they stay off the roof. It's not safe.

Number eighty three. Every door on a barrack must have a wreath. Red is responsible for making sure they're "festive enough."

Number eighty four. Friedkin is banned from turning decorations into a prank, especially the Christmas tree.

Number eighty five. The mess hall must have at least one completely ridiculous oversized decoration, the theme this year is "exploding snowflakes."

Additionally: Listen I'm not sure either, but we'll get there together.

Number eighty six. Everyone must participate in Secret Santa in some capacity, but Hambone is prohibited from gifting "live animals" again.

Number eighty seven. Douglass must insist that every gift must include a pun or terrible joke.

Number eighty eight. No one can trade gifts unless they perform a choreographed dance as a form of payment.

Number eighty nine. Kidd must wear the Santa hat for the entirety of the gift exchange. Harding you are in charge of making sure it has enough glitter on it.

Number ninety: Kidd and Harding's Secret Santa gift must include a five-paragraph essay explaining why it's "the best gift in the world."

Number ninety one. All couples have to slow dance to one Christmas song after breakfast. No matter how cheesey.

Number ninety two. Meatball is the official gift-unwrapper, and everyone is required to cheer when he tears apart the paper.

Number ninety three. Nash and Helen are to host the Christmas feast, but Nash you are forbidden from attempting "gourmet turkey flambé" this year.

Number ninety four. Murphy must insist on performing his dramatic reading of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, complete with pyrotechnics.

Number ninety five. Everyone must participate in the dramatic reenactment of A Christmas Carol, with Stormy narrating. I absolutely loved last year's "interpretive dance" version, it was legendary.

Number ninety six. Bubbles and Crosby must lead a caroling parade through the base, but they are banned from singing only "Jingle Bell Rock" on repeat.

Number ninety seven. No one is to make a snow fort without including Meatball as the general of said fort.

Number ninety eight. If snowballs hit any Christmas decorations, everyone owes Kidd an apology.

Number ninety nine. Harding must keep his Christmas puns to a maximum of five per hour, or face a hot cocoa tax.

Number one hundred. If anyone breaks any of these rules, they owe everyone a performance of Deck The Halls, in full costume, with choreography!"

Blakely just smirks watching as everyone read the rules out loud and then started pointing fingers at each other, he just proceeded to play dumb having a feeling this was going to be a fantastic Christmas.