Chapter Text
Viv keeps snaking a hand somewhere into Beth’s vicinity during dinner, pretty much making sure she’s got a hand on Beth at all times – fingers on her hip, knuckles brushing her spine, even grazing the back of her neck, if Viv can find a reason to put her hand there.
It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
It’s one of Beth’s favourite ways Viv shows her affection, all of her little gentle touches, especially now in her little yellow paper crown from the Christmas cracker. Beth knows that she’s stepping it up a little for the Christmas break, too. Viv isn’t silly. It’s hard, this Christmas, not quite as hard as last Christmas maybe, and definitely not the Christmas before, but Beth can feel the absence of her mum like a physical pain in her chest.
It’s almost more difficult being at home with all of her extended family, she thinks, people who love and miss her mum just as much as her. To be reminded of all the Christmas traditions and customs her mum isn’t here for anymore. To think of the ones that don’t happen now, because she isn’t.
It hurts, even, in a bitter sort of way that makes her feel a bit sick, to see Viv with her mum here. She’s talking to her right now across the table in Dutch, and Beth can feel Viv’s little laughs as she’s pressed up against her. Obviously Viv’s mum – both her parents – is a consistent presence in their lives, someone Viv FaceTimes on the weekends and sends countless photos of Myle to, but they don’t actually see her in person that much. And Beth likes her, loves her really, but she also represents all the things she doesn’t have anymore.
She’s voiced this to Viv, though. In a horrible dark moment back at the beginning, right after her mum had passed away and Viv’s mum had been over from the Netherlands to help her – help them – after her surgery. It had been physically painful to see Viv’s mum tuck her under a blanket on the couch, to brew mug after mug of tea, to help her fit her brace over jeans and kiss her on the forehead when it was all finished.
She hadn’t even had to say it first, though. Viv had hobbled into their bedroom one night from the bathroom and laid down next to Beth on top of the covers, carefully discarding her crutches before entwining their fingers and hooking a finger under Beth’s chin to turn her face towards her.
“I know it’s so hard,” she’d said.
“What’s so hard?”
“My mum, being here. I know it’s bad timing.”
Beth had snorted, tears already springing into her eyes. “It’s all bad timing, Viv. Literally nothing about this has been good timing.”
Viv had just nodded. “I know. I just thought if she was here, you wouldn’t have to spend any extra time thinking about me. Worrying. I thought it would help.”
“I always worry.”
“Course. But you shouldn’t have to be thinking about that right now. Thinking about my knee or anything.”
Beth had swallowed another sob, so tired of crying. Her head was throbbing from how much she’d cried. How unfair it all was. “I don’t mind, Viv. I don’t mind that your mum’s here. It’s good. For after your surgery. For both of us.”
“But it’s shitty and horrible for you, too,” Viv had said matter-of-factly, kissing Beth on the forehead. She’d stroked a finger under her lower eyelashes and collected the tears there. “Having her stay. I know.”
“It’s shitty and horrible,” Beth whispered, after a pause. “I hate it.”
“There you go,” Viv had said softly, after a laugh, pulling Beth a bit closer, as close as they could with their bulky leg braces.
“It’s not personal.”
“I know it isn’t. Whatever you’re feeling right now is completely fine, Beth. Whatever it is. And I love you so much.”
Beth couldn’t answer, then, but she’d pressed their foreheads together, and Viv had understood.
So it wasn’t like Viv didn’t get it. They’d never talked about it again, but it was a general sort of understanding. Viv knows how hard it is. She knows the feelings are complicated, and big, and tricky. And that they don’t just disappear after less than two years.
Viv squeezes her leg under the table, then, sending her a soft smile and scooping more cauliflower cheese onto Beth’s plate, even though she’s just finished her second serving.
Viv had insisted on making it this year – after checking that it was fine with Beth’s family – since it’s the dish her mum used to make, meaning it had been left off their Christmas dinners for the past couple of years. Even just thinking about that made Beth feel warm all over. And she had done a genuinely good job, recreating Beth’s mum’s recipe perfectly.
“How do you rate it, lieverd?” She asks now, the bustle of voices around the table jolting Beth out of her thoughts.
“What, you think I had two servings just to stroke your ego?” Beth grins.
“I mean. I assume it’s good,” Viv smirks back, and then pauses. “But is it, you know… similar?”
“To mum’s?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s perfect, Vivi,” Beth says gently, trailing her free hand over Viv’s knuckles. “Tastes pretty much exactly the same. It- it means a lot to me that you insisted on making it, you know.”
“Course,” Viv says, looking very pleased with herself. “I wanted you guys to be able to have it again. I’m just happy it turned out.”
“Everything you make always turns out.”
“Well, not always. But sure, mostly.”
“But you have a better track record than me.”
“Everyone has a better track record than you,” Ben interjects from across the table. “You’ve even managed to make a mess of the salad.”
“Stop eavesdropping!”
“Stop being loudly sappy at the dinner table then! I can’t not eavesdrop!”
“Sorry, can’t do that,” Beth retorts with a smirk.
“Well, then, I can say that this salad is a total disaster. Is there banana in it? What on earth inspired you to do that?”
“Vivi said I could put fruit in it!’ Beth frowns. “To make it more interesting!”
“I meant- I dunno, peaches or something, lieverd,” Viv says, extremely diplomatically. “Not… bananas.”
“is that why you haven’t had any?”
“No, I’ve just… filled up on other things.”
‘And you left me alone in the kitchen while I was making this! You set me up for failure!”
“I happen to like it,” Viv argues. “…Conceptually.”
“You should have said! About the bananas!”
“Probably should have,” Viv agrees, and moves her hand from Beth’s leg to her hip. “I wanted to make you laugh.”
“Laughed at.”
“Mm. Whoops. Love you,” Viv grins.
“Love you.” Beth’s easily placated, repeating one of the motions Viv’s been doing all evening, stroking her fingers up the knobs of her spine, and Viv smiles one of her properly radiant smiles.
“Love you more.”
“Please don’t keep going,” Ben says, just as Beth’s opening her mouth to respond. “You’ll actually put me off my dinner. And I agree that Viv’s cauliflower cheese is really good, so I’d love to have more.”
“Fine.”
“I agree,” Lars says from Viv’s mum’s other side. “Not about the cauliflower cheese, though. it’s pretty average, Viv.”
“Thanks so much.”
“But god, please stop. Take Ben and I as an example and stop being so disgusting.”
“You and Ben as an example?” Beth queries. “Are you trying really hard to keep your hands off each other?”
“That would be incestuous,” Ben groans, stabbing a bit of cauliflower. “And weird. You are so weird. I didn’t want that detail! There was no reason to add it!”
“Not as weird as you,” Viv quips back, just for the sake of it, and curls her arm all the way around Beth, resting a hand on her opposite hip. “But now I feel like being more disgusting, so.”
“Ben,” Lars gripes. “Now look what you’ve done.”
“They’re always like this anyway.”
“And now they’re going to be worse!”
Viv keeps her arm around Beth for the rest of dinner, even if it makes it quite difficult for her to cut anything, or put sauce on things. It’s worth it though, partially for annoying their brothers, but mostly for the little smile that plays on Beth’s lips for the rest of the meal. The photo that she gets her mum to take across the table is one of her favourites, too.
Beth just has to crawl into Viv’s lap after they’re finished eating and cleaning up, after barely resisting the urge all dinner. Everyone’s perched on different couches or chairs in their lounge room, sipping teas or finishing off the last of the dessert. Ben’s playing cards with some of their cousins on the carpet, and Viv’s mum is deep in conversation with Beth’s dad at the table. It’s a lovely picture, most of the people she loves all in the one room.
She feels the ache in her chest dissipate, just a bit.
Usually, this would be the part in the evening that Viv might disappear upstairs for a little bit, taking some time to herself to scroll on her phone or close her eyes for a while. Beth knows her family can be… loud, at times, and normally when Viv lets her know she’s excusing herself for a bit with a light touch to Beth’s hip she just nods, kissing her on the cheek and waiting excitedly until she recharges her battery a bit.
This evening, though, Viv’s sitting on the couch chatting to one of Beth’s uncles. She looks up momentarily, as if she feels Beth’s eyes on her, and winks, before turning back to her conversation.
Grinning, Beth makes a beeline for her, tucking herself under Viv’s chin as soon as she crosses the room, not really caring if she’s interrupting the conversation. She leans back against Viv’s chest, Viv barely stuttering in her sentence as she presses her lips to the back of Beth’s head quickly.
“Hi,” she whispers in Beth’s ear.
Beth tilts her head back a little. “Hi,” she whispers back.
Beth just zones out, really, while Viv and her uncle keep chatting. They’re talking about a book she hasn’t read, anyway, one that she’d gotten Viv for her birthday and really tried to get interested in, but couldn’t. Viv moves her thumb in a gentle, continuous circle on Beth’s arm as she talks, sounding more enthusiastic than Beth has heard her for most of the evening as they detail the main bits of the plot and their favourite characters. Beth’s content with just listening, vaguely, and watching all the different members of her family – and Viv’s – chat.
Eventually Beth’s uncle excuses himself to get another drink, and Beth wriggles backwards a bit in Viv’s arms, laying her head on her shoulder.
“You ok?” Viv whispers.
“Yeah. I’m ok.”
Viv just nods. “You miss her,” she says matter-of-factly, eyeing Beth softly.
“I miss her,” Beth says heavily. “I thought- I thought this Christmas I’d feel better than last year. Like every year I’d feel a bit better, since more time has passed. But I feel worse, I think. I dunno why.”
“That’s ok,” Viv says gently. “Or- not ok, but it makes sense. There’s so many people here. I’m having a hard time. I’m sure it’s harder when it’s all your family, and she’s not here.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s been a really hard year,” Viv continues. “Last year we were back from injury, and starting to play again, and we’d just gotten Myle… It hasn’t been quite the same this year, huh?” She laughs self-deprecatingly. “Not the same.”
“No,” Beth says flatly.
“No one expects anything of you, Beth. We can just go and sit upstairs, if you want. Or you can, and I’ll cover for you. Or we can go for a walk, take Myle and Rona. Go to down to the beach. Yell and jump around a bit, if you want.”
“I wouldn’t mind that, actually. But I think I should stay. For dad and Ben.”
“Yeah,” Viv smiles. “I thought you’d say that. But, if you change your mind, just let me know. I’m happy to do whatever you want, lieverd. Especially yelling on the beach.”
“Thanks, Vivi.”
Viv wraps her in her arms even tighter. “Love you so much. I’m happy to be here, you know.”
“Yeah,” Beth smiles. “I know you are. Love you, too. Love being yours.”
Most of the time, Beth hinting at something vaguely possessive makes Viv blush just a little, maybe smirk at her or dig her fingers into Beth’s sides.
This time, though, she flushes all over, biting her lip, and hooks her chin over Beth’s shoulder, grinning.
“Where’d that last bit come from?”
“Dunno. Does there have to be a reason for me to tell my girlfriend I love being hers?”
“Noooo. Not at all. Just like hearing you say it, is all.”
“Mm. I can tell.”
“Do you mean I’m blushing really red?” Viv asks, flushing even more.
“Mm, a bit,” Beth grins.
“Ugh. Lars is going to laugh at me.”
“I think it’s cute, though.”
“I think you’re cute,” Viv says back, immediately distracted.
“Softie.”
“Sap,” Viv retorts, and now they’re both smiling.
“Alright there, Viv?” Lars comments from his armchair, smirking. “You look a little bit red, is all.”
Viv groans. “Fine, thanks, Lars.”
“Like, proper tomato red.”
“Shut up! I’m fine!”
“Was it something Beth said?” He asks innocently. “Because I think you seemed fine, before?”
Viv rolls her eyes. “You’re so incredibly irritating. She didn’t say anything.”
“I mean, I said something…”
“You’re not helping!”
Across the room, Viv’s mum watches with a faint smile as Viv holds Beth tighter as she bickers with Lars, the same grin still threatening to take over her face. The way Beth holds Viv’s hand on her waist.
“It’s nice they could be together,” she says quietly to Richard, across the table. “For Christmas.”
He nods. “Beth misses her so much. I know that for sure. So I like seeing them together. Seeing her happy. And at this time of year, too. It’s hard.”
“Viv, too. It’s been- well, you know all about it, obviously. Such a shame. But then I watch them like this, and it’s like they don’t spend any time apart at all.”
On the couch, Beth kisses one of Viv’s knuckles absentmindedly, where their hands are linked.
“Yeah,” Richard agrees, smiling. “I know what you mean.”
“How’re you feeling now, lieverd?” Viv asks gently, when they’re in bed much later. “Any better?
“Mm. Definitely better.”
“You sure?” Viv queries, watching her carefully. “You don’t have to be. In fact, it’s perfectly fine if you’re not.”
“No, I definitely feel better,” Beth says, and she means it. “Feels less… heavy, I think. Got better after I sat with you a bit. I liked hearing you talk about the book. And I liked having you hold me.”
“That’s good, because I like holding you.”
“And even argue with Lars. And then playing cards with Ben. Just… distractions. I think I needed a lot of distractions today.”
“Very understandable. I’m quite good at that, I think.”
“You are,” Beth smiles. “I know I said it before, but- I’m so happy you’re here, Vivi. I think it would have been pretty hard, otherwise. Or harder.”
“Course,” Viv whispers. She strokes a soft hand down Beth’s side and up the ridge of her hip. “it was a really nice day, with everyone. My family are having a lovely time, too. My oma especially, she loves it here. I’m so happy they could come.”
“Me, too.”
“And I just like seeing Lars and Ben together, really. They really have the brother dynamic down, now, I think. They might have actually started to annoy each other tonight.”
“I’m sure Ben’s just happy to have someone else annoying him who isn’t me,” Beth jokes.
“Probably. Lars, too. Variety, and all that.”
Viv leans forward to kiss her then, probably meaning for it to be gentle and comforting, but Beth tugs her in properly, slipping a hand up Viv’s pyjama shirt and breathing hard into her mouth almost immediately.
Viv lets her lick into her mouth and swivel them so Viv’s underneath her, and Beth leans back down and kisses her fiercely, brushing Viv’s hair back from her face.
“Beth!” Viv squeaks when they pull apart finally, both breathing hard. Her face is all flushed again.
“Viv,” Beth whispers back.
“You surprised me, is all,” Viv breathes. “Were we not just talking about…”
“We were, but then you looked all cute, so…” Beth pauses, taking in Viv’s facial expression. “Is it a no, or?”
“You always say we can’t, at your dad’s,” Viv grits out, trailing trembling fingers up Beth’s arms. “And then you do this. Every time!”
“I don’t say that!”
“You do! You always say you don’t want him and Ben to overhear!”
“Well, ok. But I think this time,” Beth shifts again her, grinning as Viv’s breath hitches. “This time, if there were any… noises… they wouldn’t be able to tell that it was us. Since there’s so many people staying here.”
“Strategic,” Viv breathes. “Have you thought about this already?”
“Maybe a bit.”
“But-”
“I don’t really care if they overhear us, Viv,” Beth says, capturing her lips in another slow kiss. “Like, I cannot begin to explain to you how much I don’t care.”
“Ok, fine, but then we have to go downstairs tomorrow morning and have breakfast with everyone, and we just have to assume they didn’t hear, and what if they actually did, and-”
“Well, we don’t have to…”
“Oh, I’m not actually arguing, just to clarify,” Viv breathes, fingers softly tracing the dip at the bottom of Beth’s spine, and then moving lower. “You just surprised me. But I’m always happy to be surprised! If anyone says anything, though, I’m throwing you under the bus.”
“I mean, I think we’d both be getting thrown under the bus…”
“Nah, I’d just say you were completely unable to resist me. And since you were sitting on my lap on the couch, I’d say it might be quite convincing.”
“Mm. You might be right. Still annoying, though,” Beth grins, shifting her hips forward again. “Whatever will I do to shut you up?”
“Beth,” Viv warns, but her argument loses its bite with the way she’s looking up at her, hands low on Beth’s hips. “Don’t be a tease.”
“Not teasing. Just want to make sure. Since there’s other people here, and…”
“I don’t care. Forget what I said before. Just kiss me, please.”
Beth helps Viv shimmy out of her pants and top, and then sits back on her hips to take off her shirt, too. Leaning back down, she captures Viv’s lips softly and they move against each other slowly, breath mingling and skin brushing.
“Fuck, Beth,” Viv whispers.
“Quiet, baby,” Beth whispers back, Viv arching her back a little and wriggling underneath her.
“Want you.”
Beth finds herself in the mood to talk – which she isn’t, always. Often she just likes listening to the sounds Viv makes when she touches her: the long, drawn-out whimpers, the groans, the way her breath hitches when Beth moves her hands or mouth in a particular way. Beth’s favourite, though, is the little whines she makes, the sound high in her throat. The ones that sound like Viv is totally, utterly, desperate for her.
“I meant what I said downstairs,” Beth whispers, leaning down and putting her mouth close to Viv’s ear so she can hear her. “Love being yours.” She moves a hand up to Viv’s chest and circles around one of her nipples, Viv gasping quietly.
“Love you being mine. Love when you say it.”
Beth kisses her again. “How do you want it, baby?”
“Want you to keep talking to me,” Viv says quietly, shifting.
“Mm. So, fingers?”
“Guess so,” Viv says, looking oddly put out about it.
“Sorry,” Beth laughs. “I can only use my mouth for one thing at a time, unfortunately.”
“Unfortunately, indeed.”
“Will that do?” Beth questions, stroking a finger up the soft skin of Viv’s inner thigh and dipping a finger gently under the elastic of her underwear.
“Suppose-” Viv shudders a breath. “Suppose that’ll do.”
“Ok, good.” Beth props herself up on an elbow momentarily, kissing Viv deeply, and then pulls back, just slightly, so their faces are still almost pressed together. “Because I sort of wanted to talk about how cute you are when you get all flustered.”
Vis takes a deep breath, Beth stroking her softly in slow circles over the fabric of her underwear.
“Like earlier?” She gets out.
“Mm. Like earlier. It was very cute,” Beth continues, voice low. “Very cute. Love seeing you blush.”
“Beth-”
“And in front of all my family? That’s my favourite bit.”
“Beth,” Viv groans, as Beth keeps up her movements over her underwear, moving in long, slow strokes. “Please. Want you inside me.”
Grinning, Beth slips a hand down the front of her underwear, pleased at the dampness she finds there.
“So wet for me, Vivi.”
Viv just breathes loudly, hips twitching as she tries to stay quiet.
“Like when you get all flustered when I say I’m yours,” Beth continues, sliding a finger inside. “Even though I’ve said it a hundred times.” She uses a second finger almost immediately, Viv’s arousal making it easy. “it’s so bloody cute.”
Viv moves her hips, encouraging Beth to curl her fingers more. She snakes a hand down to her breast, toying with a nipple as Beth keeps whispering to her.
“So pretty for me, baby. And so quiet. Such a good girl.”
Viv whimpers softly.
“Quiet,” Beth says lowly.
“Feels so good,” Viv gets out, barely more than a whisper. “Harder, please. And I need-”
Anticipating what she’s going to say before she says it, Beth shifts her hand slightly so the heel of her palm is putting pressure on Viv’s clit, giving her something to grind against.
“Fuck, Beth.”
They continue on like that for a few minutes, Viv’s breathing getting louder and more rapid, Beth dropping kisses to her chest and stomach as the muscles there tighten, her abs especially outlined in the dim light of the bedroom.
“So pretty, Vivi.”
“Say it again?” Viv whispers, lifting her hips off the bed.
“Say what again?”
“The bit about- about being mine.”
“Love being yours,” Beth murmurs, curling her fingers even more, feeling Viv tighten around her. “Love how you touch me, all your little touches. Those are my favourite.”
Viv rolls her hips, gasping.
“Love how you hold me. How you whisper in my ear. How no one else can hear, how it’s just for me.”
Viv’s chest heaves, and she takes a long breath. “Just for you.”
“Love how you make me feel so loved. You’re so considerate, Vivi. So kind. So thoughtful. That’s why I love being yours the most, out of everything. I always feel it. Always.”
Viv opens her mouth, panting, and arches her back a little. Beth tugs her earlobe into her mouth and lets her breath ghost over Viv’s cheek.
“Come on, baby. Let me see you.”
Viv’s totally quiet as she comes, fists in the sheets, clamping her legs shut around Beth’s hand. The only noise is the sound of her laboured breathing.
“So perfect, Viv. So perfect.”
Viv looks at her with wide eyes almost immediately, chest still flushed and heaving. “Do you think anyone heard us?”
Beth laughs, sliding her hand free. “That’s what you’re thinking about right now?”
“Not entirely. Sorry. You were amazing, as usual. Love you to bits. But I would like to go to sleep not thinking about my parents in the other room.”
“I don’t think anyone heard. But, I mean, we can’t be sure. I assume they’ll never say anything if they did, anyway.”
“That doesn’t make me feel that much better,” Viv says, eyes drooping with exhaustion.
“Mm. Why does that not surprise me?”