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I'm Not Afraid of You Now

Summary:

Despite the odds, Merlin saved Arthur from death, bringing him back to the land of the living. Arthur wants to see more of Merlin's magick, even if the man is scared to do so.

Notes:

shout out to those who voted in my tumblr poll to finally write a merlin fic again <3
title from "forwards beckon rebound" by adrianne lenker

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Show me.”

Merlin paused in his pacing, gripping the pauldron he had been cleaning.

Arthur sat atop the bed. According to Kilgharrah, the man should have been dead, floating in a raft over serene waters; instead, he was resting back in Camelot. His torso was wrapped with a thick layer of bandages, though they were clean.

The first set had not been. The blood poured out of his side faster than Merlin had ever seen. Arthur’s skin grew clammy and white – he was practically a corpse. When the man’s eyes fluttered shut he was sure Arthur was gone forever, lost to the sands of time and destined to cross the veil to the other world.

Merlin had not expected for his grief to flow freely from him, to seep into the grounds around them, to curl across Arthur’s skin. His flesh stitched itself back together; it left nothing but a jagged white scar where Mordred’s sword pierced him. He traveled back to Camelot in an instant, making the dragon fly them both. Kilgharrah looked stunned – Merlin was sure if he was human his jaw would have dropped.

Against all odds, against fate, Merlin saved Arthur from certain death.

Merlin.” Arthur sat up in bed.

Merlin rushed to his side, helping him up. “You shouldn’t exert yourself after-” He cut himself off. The thought of Arthur dying, since he was sure the man actually had, made his mouth fill with cotton. His throat filled with bile that he fought down. “You need to rest.”

Arthur gripped his wrist tighter than he would have expected. “Please show me more.”

Fire spread across Merlin’s chest, rushing through his limbs down to his fingers and toes. “I’m not sure if that’s the best idea right now.” For the first time in a long time, he was unsure of what he was capable of. The druids practically worshipped him as a minor god, but he never thought there was any credence to it. But now. Now after he rose a man from the dead, after he broke free from the chains the universe had bound him in, Merlin was fearful of the power that surged through his veins.

He felt more magick than human.

Arthur looked deeply at him with sapphire eyes. His brow furrowed; his lips pursed. “I thought I knew you, that you didn’t have anything to keep from me.”

Merlin’s stomach soured.

“But I was wrong, and now,” Arthur sucked in a breath, “I want to see all of you.”

The air hung heavy between them. They were mere inches apart, but the inchest felt like leagues. Merlin didn’t know how they could get any closer though: their souls were already intertwined with each others’. He could look at his bones and see Arthur’s name etched into them. “I’ve shown you.”

Arthur pulled him impossibly closer. “You’ve called me selfish before, let me be selfish again.”

Merlin shuddered. Arthur’s voice rolled over him, a timber deep with exhaustion. It was warm, burning even, but he wanted to soak in it - to allow it to melt him. Merlin crouched to be on Arthur’s level. “I don’t want to cause any fear.”

“You could never scare me.” Arthur brushed back Merlin’s overgrown bangs with his free hand. “You’re still you after all.”

Still you. The words echoed in his mind. He mulled them over, trying them on to see how they fit. They were a bit uncomfortable, and he wasn’t sure they were completely true. He knew Arthur wasn’t one to lie, not in important matters such as these, but just because he wasn’t lying didn’t mean he was correct. The assertion of his words though, despite how soft they were said – like luxury silks – made Merlin question if they could be true.

“I’m not sure what I am.” His voice dropped to a whisper.

Arthur’s eyes shimmered in the pale firelight. “You’re Merlin: an idiot, but a caring one, furiously loyal, the best manservant I’ve ever had, and my closest and dearest friend.” His voice didn’t shake. Arthur sounded as he did when he read out commands to the council – clear and steady.

Merlin’s body shook, magick vibrated beneath his skin, singing for Arthur. He relented to its pleas. Without a single word, the fire died, the candles extinguished themselves, but the room stayed at a perfect temperature.

The darkness was soon filled with glimmering stars of an array of colours: pale pinks, lilac, sky blue, shimmering greens, and shocks of yellow. Gossamer spread throughout, connecting the stars into dozens of constellations. Cassiopeia. Orion. Cepheus. Corona Borealis. Capricornus. Then, gold ribbons rushed through the air, made up of tiny particles, each bright and beautiful. They curled around Arthur and Merlin, rustling their hair and tickling their skin.

Arthur gazed around the room with awe. It was as though Merlin gathered the universe and spilled it out into his chambers. “You’re amazing.”

Merlin’s skin held a faint glow: his eyes two shining globes of gold. “I thought you would despise me for being a warlock and for lying to you.”

Arthur peeled his eyes away from the display to meet Merlin’s. “Warlock?”

He couldn’t help but huff out a laugh. “I was born with magick, so I’m not a sorcerer, those are taught.”

“Figures someone like you would have a gift this wondrous.” Arthur flushed at his own admission. “But despise you? I could never.” He raised a hand to Merlin’s cheek, brushing away a stray tear Merlin didn’t know had fallen. “I was upset you didn’t tell me before, and a part of me is still hurt, but to hate you would be impossible.”

Another tear dripped down his face. He hoped what was before him was real - that this wasn’t some facade his mind had created to cope with the circumstances. He prayed to the gods that Arthur was really in front of him, alive and with a look of utter devotion on his face. “My magick is for you.” He leaned over the edge of the bed. “I was born to serve you, to help you, to make sure you rose to be the great king that Albion deserves.” Merlin’s lungs constricted, his shoulders shook. “I’ve tried every day to make sure it happened. But then, then-” A sob wracked through his body. “Then it looked as though everything would be stripped away.”

Arthur’s hand lowered to grip his chin. He titled Merlin’s head as to lock their eyes together. “Don’t dwell on the past, Merlin, I’m here, I’m alive. All of it is thanks to you.” His other hand rested on Merlin’s neck. The inches fell away. “I don’t know if I could find the words to properly thank you.”

Merlin let out a watery laugh. “I have been the one writing most of your speeches.”

“And you’ve done an excellent job at that as well.” Their breaths intermingled.

Before Merlin could stop himself, he closed the distance. Hungry lips met his, filled with desperation and adoration. A lifetime of hidden glances, of lingering touches fell away. The room erupted into glimmery sparks. The world molded to Merlin’s emotions and desires.

He crawled forward and Arthur pulled him into the bed. The two tumbled together. Merlin became breathless and Arthur worshipped him – more than the druids ever had. Wrapped in Arthur’s arms he experienced true divinity.

Arthur sighed as he burrowed into Merlin’s side. “We’ll have to make several new arrangements.”

Merlin ran his fingers through golden strands. “Tomorrow. We’ll start tomorrow.” Now they had the time to, a pleasure he never thought they’d enjoy.

Arthur leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to Merlin’s lips. “Tomorrow is the start of a new age.” His face broke out into a wide grin, white teeth gleaming.

Merlin cradled his face. “We’ll forge this one together, like always.”

Notes:

i'm re-reading peter darling and was very inspired by all the imagery used in that to write this. it goes against everything my fiction professor would have wanted, but I think it's beautiful