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I still don’t really like Christmas... Was the thought going on in the horse’s head as he looked as the three kids gathered into the living room, all of them still wearing pajamas as they happily opened the gifts that were under the three. The oldest one, with long and flowing blonde hair, traded gifts with the two younger ones, who were only happy for receiving their gifts from “Santa”.
“And without any extra postage due to sledge fees!” Said the little girl with red hair. The horse could only roll his eyes at this, ignoring both the non-sensical words, just as the distant sound of laughter that followed it, as well as the applause.
Come on, that was not even that funny!
However, his attention was called to the side soon.
To his husband.
The dog with golden fur smiled at him, asking if this Christmas was better than the ones he had before their marriage.
The horse looked at him, before shrugging.
“Well, it is not as bad.”
Those words were harsh, of course, but they were not as harsh as one would have expected if they didn’t know that context.
On the same way, for the horse to open the gift that dog gave him and find a single red neck tissue in it would not have made that much sense without knowing the proper context. However, the horse knew, and that was why he forced a smile as he looked at the horse, who was smiling at him as he held his own gift on his hands, a pink bejeweled collar.
“Merry Christmas, honey.” The dog said.
“Merry Christmas.” The horse said, feeling that the smile he was forcing was becoming a little more genuine as he looked the dog in the eyes.
“Okay, everyone! Time for Christmas picture!” The dog said, and soon, the children were gathering with the two adults on the couch. The oldest girl by the horse’s side and the boy by the dog’s side, and the little one right on the center between the two.
“Now, three, two, one...” The dog counted, and then all of them said:
“Purple mistletoe!”
And this was followed by a round of laughter, and then by applauses, as a picture was snapped.
Then the next thing heard was someone saying:
“And cut! Okay, that’s a wrap!”
As soon as those words were saying, the Christmas music that had ben playing on the background stopped, and the five people on the couch rested, with the little girl clapping happily as she said that this was fun.
The “this” she was referring, was the Christmas-special episode of Horsin’ Around reboot, of which they just recorded the final scene, ending the recording of the special episode, with all of the scenes ready to be sent to the editing crew, who would all mash it together into an episode that would be aired, by coincidence or not, right on the night of December 24th.
“Thanks a lot, everyone!” The director said to everyone, the actors in particular. “You all did an amazing job. From here we take a break for the holydays. All of you enjoy yourselves, go hug your families, maybe travel, and I see all of you back here in January for a new episode.”
With this, the lion director turned around and went to talk with some of the crew, as the rest of the guys around all rested.
“Fuckin’ finally!” Said the boy, who was getting out of the couch. “This fuckin’ sweater is giving me rash!”
“You shouldn’t say bad words.” The little girl said to him, only for him to snap at her and tell her to “cut the crap”, since the cameras had stopped recording already. This, of course, made the little girl tear up, only for the blonde girl, her sister in real life as much as in the show, come to her and carry her sister away, while shooting an angry glare at the boy.
“Oh, go choke on a dick!” The boy said, showing that he had a language that, many would say, was too colorful for his age. The boy, however, didn’t seemed that he gave a crap. He just went around asking to people if they saw his clothes, because he wants to put them on so he can go on his date.
“Oh, so you really got your first date today, Duncan?” Peanut asked as he and Bojack both looked at the boy. “Well, good for you. Hope you have fun.”
“Yeah, it would be more fun if it was not her father’s restaurant. The old sod will be at us all day and I bet I won’t even be able to kiss her.”
The two adults shared a look.
“Oookay. So, I guess we will be seeing each other again in January, right?” The dog said, “Hope you have fun.”
“I will try if I can lose that old baldy.” The boy said, “By the way, try to use some shampoo. That dandruff of yours has been itching me as much as this stupid sweater. And you are starting to smell like that horse. Seriously, it is hard to focus on my lines when I’m trying not to gag on the smell of two old fags.”
Bojack tried to lunge for the boy, but Peanut, predicting what his husband would do, stopped him and then urged him to come with him to their dressing room so they can change.
“Yeah, and so you can choke on each other’s dicks, ain’t that right?” The boy said, a shit-eating grin on his face that was even more infuriating than the rude remarks he was making.
“You better not be so smug, brat!” Bojack yelled at the boy while Peanut steered him away. “I know where you live!”
“I see you there and I call the cops to beat you up! Then you will become a prison wife next, you fag!” The boy yelled back, and then Bojack yelled a profanity back at the kid before Peanut took him away in direction to their dressing room and he could not hear the boy’s rude retorts.
All the while, the rest of the crew shared looks, and they all agreed:
Even though Bojack had been an asshole most of his life, no one thought he was on the wrong for wanting to yell and even punch that kid.
“I’ll tell you what, dog.” Bojack said as Peanut, coming right behind him, closed the door. The horse was angrily removing that ugly sweater he had to wear for the shooting.
“There were a lot of things that I was expecting to piss me off about this show.” He tossed the sweater into the chair.
“Like the corny jokes, the cheesy family theme, or the shameless nostalgia bait. But, as it turns out, none of those things are with pisses me off the most! Not even the tacky wardrobe that look like they bought on a shitty thrift store by the edge of town to cut on budget!” The horse unbuckled his belt and let those ugly pants slide off himself, now standing only on his underwear.
“The worst part, the most infuriating part of having to do this queer reboot of Horsin’ Around...” Bojack ranted loudly “Is having to pretend to be a happy family with that little shit!”
The horse nearly slammed his hands into his desk, while Peanut looked at him of a moment, before approaching him and gently patting him in the back.
Bojack took a moment to look at the dog, and then he looked at his own reflection on the vanity mirror, before sighing.
“Please, tell me I actually wasn’t as bad as that brat before I started dating you.”
Peanut’s answer came a bit too quickly:
“You weren’t.”
“But I was close, wasn’t I?” The horse was looking back at his husband as he said those words. “That’s why everyone says that he is ‘a Bojack’. I am pretty sure they are not saying to that he is a horse.”
Peanut shrugged.
“Yeah, what can I say?” The dog was still with a hand on Bo’s back. “I guess Milton Eckart is a precocious Hollywoo victim.”
The horse snorted at this.
“Peanut, you really need to learn that sprinkling sugar on a turd does not turns it into a donut.” Bojack had his eyes fixed at his own reflection as he said that. “That boy is a piece of shit, period. Just like I was.”
Bojack’s gaze shifted, and he was not looking at Peanut through the reflection. It was quite hard not to when the dog was leaning so close to him as he hugged his arm.
“Well, you were not all that bad back then. And you are a lot better now. All you needed was time and the right environment to mature. Like a fine wine.”
That... was even cornier than the jokes of the show.
And that smile... that fucking smile. The one that Peanut always have on his face and that Bojack always found to be infuriating, but that eventually ended up growing on him, much like everything else on the dog.
“Look, how about we forget about Duncan, about the cheap wardrobe and the show?” Peanut offered to his husband. “How about we take a nice, long shower and get ready for the party?”
Most people would be happy with the prospect of a party. Bojack, however, was still Bojack. He had not been too keen on parties on the last years, with the last ones he attended not having ended very well. That is, the ones he attended before he and Peanut became an item.
“Do we really have to?” the horse asked. “Do we have to go to a party tonight? Can’t we do go home, be only on our underwear, drink whiskey eggnog and have sex until we pass out? I would definitely prefer that.”
“Bojack, you cannot spend every Christmas drunk.” Peanut was serious as he looked at his husband.
“Why not? I’ve been doing it for years before we got married.”
“And how well that worked for you?”
The horse didn’t have an answer for that. Three or four years ago, being asked that by the dog would make Bojack either punch him in the face or storm out of their shared dressing room. Maybe both.
Now, however, Bojack Horseman-Butter could only let out a deep sigh as he lowered his head. Peanut, the loving husband he was, was soon comforting him once more.
“Bo, I know you are not a Christmas person. I know you have reasons not to be.” He was speaking it in a kind way as he hugged Bojack from behind. The horse was taller than him, but not too much that Peanut cold not hug him from behind and look over his shoulder at the mirror.
Fuck, we look like a two-headed freak... Was what Bojack could think as he lifted his head to see Peanut’s head right by the side of his own, the dog’s body hidden behind his own while his arms hugged his chest.
“But we both agreed that you would try new things, didn’t we?” The dog asked that of the horse. “It is our first Christmas as a married couple, and we both already promised to Princess Carolyn we would be there. So, come on, just so we don’t have to spend an entire Christmas cramped up at home...”
Bojack turned around, and Peanut put his arms around his neck, looking him in the eyes.
“Do it for me, hun. Please?”
Dammit... Bojack caught himself thinking. Used to be immune to puppy dog eyes. Being married to dog should have made me more resistant to it, not less. The fuck is happening to me?
With a sigh, Bojack could only say:
“Fine, I’ll do it. But you better do that thing you promised me tonight once we’re back home.”
Peanut smiled at him, his tail wagging behind him as he leaned forward and planted a peck on Bojack’s lips.
“Just get through the night and you will get your reward, my handsome stallion.” The dog said to him. “You can count on Peanut Horseman-Butter to be a dog of his word.”
Bojack was holding the dog on to it. And that was enough to make him the taddiest bit jollier.
And, of course, he got even jollier when they were together on the shower, bathing to prepare to the party.
They had shower sex a lot of times, and Bojack came to enjoy this. Even the foreplay, when Peanut would run his hands over his chest, acting as if he was soaping him up when he was just shamelessly rubbing and teasing him. Then he would turn around, wagging his tail while asking Bojack to “do his back”, and the horse would run his hands all over his back, all the way to the spot right above the base of his tail, while the dog would push back against him, sandwiching his dick between his ass-cheeks.
Bojack snorted, his body so hot that he felt like he could turn the water pouring on him into steam as his dog husband hot-dogged him. He was so ready to grab his ass and fuck him hard and raw then and there...
“Okay, I think we are done.”
“Wait, what!?”
Peanut smiled at his husband with a naughty grim.
“You will get your reward after the party.” Peanut said to Bojack. “Until then, you will have to be patient, like a good boy.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?
The horse looked as Peanut made his way out of the shower and started drying himself. All the while, it seemed like he was still teasing the horse, bending over and giving him a tantalizing, tormenting view of that piece of ass that he had just been denied. Of that tight little tailhole he had been led to think he would be fucking only to have it snatched out of him, leaving him with a hard dick and blueing balls.
Oh, Bojack wanted so bad to just grab him and drag him back that shower and rail him so hard his tailhole would be bleeding! That was what that dog probably deserved for toying with him like that!
Instead, Bojack, shaking, let out a scream of frustration as he turned the knob of the shower, turning the cold water on full blast and giving himself a pour of freezing liquid that made his yell even louder and helped kill his erection.
Meanwhile, Peanut could only chuckle at this.
It was fun to tease his hornball husband like that, even though he knew he would, most likely, be regretting it tonight...
One quick drying later, followed by a car ride with a grumpy Bojack, and the couple was arriving on the front of the place they would be having the party.
It was a big and fancy house. A lot of the houses in Hollywoo were. The houses of the rich and famous of the city, who made it big and wanted to show it by having a big place to live. Those two should know, because they had their own place like that. Well, it was Bojack’s place, to where Peanut moved in once they became serious.
And there was a lot of cars around and in the space, showing that a lot of the guests had already arrived.
“Looks like we are a bit late.” Peanut said. “Well, let’s hope we can still mingle with the people.”
“Hold on, you didn’t say I would have to ‘mingle’ with anyone.” The horse protested.
“Oh, come on, Bo.” Peanut said, “This is a party? Why else people go to parties?”
“To eat, get drunk and laugh of the fools who try to dance.” The horse’s answer was dry. That was the kind of answer that Bojack usually gave in situations like that.
“Well, they also go to see people. To talk, to ask them how their lives are and tell them of their own, to make plans for the weekends. You know, to mingle!”
And that was a typical Peanut answer.
This just went to show how those two were practically polar opposites of each other. So much that many still wondered how the two ever even became an item...
“Hey there! If it isn’t the Horse-Buttereds!” Said someone as soon as they walked in, drawing enough eyes that it seemed that half of the party was not looking at them as they made their way inside.
It only took Bojack two seconds to realize that they all were looking at him, just waiting to see his reaction.
They all knew how much he hated that specific variation of their name.
However, instead of blowing up at the person who said that to him, he only said:
“It’s Horseman-Butters, thank you very much. Now, can anyone point to the waiter who has the shrimps?”
This did draw some laughter of the people, which Bojack mostly ignored. He just found that waiter and helped himself of as many shrimps as he wanted. From there on out, the party progressed, and Bojack mostly stayed by Peanut’s side as the dog did all the talking.
He had always been much better at dealing with people than Bojack. The fact that he rarely ever got involved in scandals or awkward situations while in public was more than enough proof of that.
“So, you guys still really going strong?” An alligator asked the two. “Not thinking of divorce at all?”
“Nope.”
“Not even a little?”
“Not at all.”
“Are you sure?”
The gator continued asking, and he seemed really interested in knowing if they were going to get divorced within the next days or not.
“Well, we have no intention of getting divorced.” Peanut said, “We have been married for six months, and they have all been amazing! We even went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my brother’s family again this year!”
“And your sister-in-law would not stop glaring at me all the time. Kept her eyes on me like a hawk.” Bojack chimed in.
“Yeah, but this time she didn’t try throwing anything at you! That means this thanksgiving was a success!” Peanut said happily. “Anyways, we are as happy of a married couple as married couples can be. Oh, hey! Amanda!”
As the dog waved at a person who he just saw, the gator looked at him go before turning to Bojack.
“That dog is just putting a front, right? Bet you two realized by now you can’t stand each other and that getting married was a mistake, and don’t want to be stuck with each other for the rest of your lives. So, tell me the truth, when are you planning to end everything?”
Bojack stared at him for a few seconds, before asking:
“How much money did you put on the Horseman-Butter divorce pool?”
The gator looked back at him for three seconds, before answering:
“A lot. And I do mean a lot. And I am willing to split it with you if you split up with that dog before New Year’s. Come on! You never even liked him! You always found him annoying and everyone knows! I am sure you have been finding him more annoying than ever after living with him for six months. I find him annoying after spending more than twenty minutes in a room with him! I am sure you can’t even help yourself from wanting to punch him right in the face sometimes. Wouldn’t it be better to split with him now? You know, before he has any excuse to sue you over a DV?”
Bojack only looked at the gator with an empty gaze, before turning his eyes to another direction.
“Ain’t that your wife flirting with the waiter?” The horse asked, and the gator looked where he was pointing.
“Oh, for the love of- MARINA! What you think you are doing, you tramp!?” He then marched to his wife while stomping his feet. Bojack watched for a while as he yelled at his wife while the rest of the party watched, only for her to nonchalantly slap him, stomp on his foot and then dump wine on him.
Then he was whimpering as he walked after her while limping, begging for forgiveness
This could be petty, but Bojack’s had a smile on his face at the scene.
Someone would be spending the holydays sleeping in the couch...
“Bo!” Bojack turned his head as he heard Peanut’s voice calling him just in time to see the dog waving at him. “Can you come here, honey? I want you introduce you to some people!”
Oh great, having to know more of Peanut’s friends. He disliked most of them. However, he still went to meet them anyways, because Peanut never got tired of introducing him to everyone as his husband.
So, Bojack would only stand by his side, with a lot of shrimps in one hand and a cup of wine on the other and he would drink and eat while Peanut did all the talking. The dog was smiling all the while as he did, and it really showed how he was a real social butterfly and how he loved people, much different from Bojack who could, when much, pretend that he liked being around people while forcing himself to tolerate them.
And, much to his surprise, he was finding it way easier to tolerate people on this party than he did in many others before. That was strange. Especially considering how little alcohol he had so far!
“More wine, sir?” A waiter asked.
“Nah, I’m good. My glass is still half-full.” Bojack said as he still had wine on his second cup of wine. Only after the waiter left, the horse would ask himself what was wrong with him for having just refused more booze.
And did I really say that my glass was “half-full”? I mean, seriously?
For a moment, the horse had the thought of going after the waiter and just take the whole bottle from him and start chugging it down like there was no tomorrow until he was completely wasted. Wasted enough that he would take off his clothes, climb on a table and take a dump right on top of the turkey.
Now that would certainly end the party quickly and he would be able to leave already.
He could hardly stand being around those guys, seeing all those fake smiles they all had.
Those smiles that they had as they interacted with people they either didn’t knew or didn’t gave two shits about. While they supported some beneficent cause neither of them even remembered what was about and they are convincing themselves they are goo people simply for being there and giving their money for “charity”.
Gosh, all of them made Bojack so sick.
Almost as much as himself.
“Hey, Bo! Charla and Leon just arrived! Let’s say hi!” Peanut said, taking Bojack by the pulse and guiding him to people who he knew.
Those two had the same fake smiles as everyone else, including Bojack. Both pretending to like the person who was talking to them and that they were happy for being at that party, and that they did not wanted to leave as fast as possible.
They were just like every single other person on that fucking room.
All save for one.
Peanut’s smile was not forced. It was not fake.
That smile was genuine.
Unlike Bojack’s.
Peanut was happy for being there. Bojack wasn’t.
He was happy for hearing about the stories of those people. Bojack wished them to either shut up or let him leave so he could no longer have to hear them talk.
Peanut cared about the cause they were supporting with that little party. Bojack could hardly even remember if it was about some eco-nature garbage or something to do with homeless/orphans.
Peanut was a good person. Bojack was just another one of the assholes of this stupid party.
Once more, Bojack realized that Peanut was just too good for him. That he deserved better.
Maybe he really should divorce him before the end of the year. And he would also get some money from the asshole who first brought it up, just because he could...
“A moment of your attention, please!” Said someone. It was the guy who owned the party. Bojack only half-heard what he was saying. He already knew how this went. The guy made some stupid speech where he thanked everyone for coming and contributing to whatever the fuck they were supporting and wished them all a merry Christmas while raising a toast. Then, everyone toasted, and they all went back to pretending to be good people and that they all got along and liked each other, and that the world was a place full of joy and happiness.
However, then something happened that made Bojack’s attention snap fully into reality.
“And, to settle the Christmas mood properly, we will have a little carol! Sung by no other than our dear Bojack Horseman-Butter!”
As one, every head of the party turned to Bojack, who was a little confused for a moment.
“Wait, what.” The horse said, a deadpan expression worthy of an internet meme on his face as his brain registered what he just heard.
“Yes, that’s right!” The party owner said, “Bojack will be gracing us with his singing skills in a Christmas Carol! The same one that he sang for the Christmas episode of Horsin’ Around’s reboot, which he finished recording earlier this very same day! Along with his lovely husband currently standing by his side!”
Bojack remained in place for a while as everyone looked at him and murmured. His head then whipped to look at Peanut, who looked as surprised as him, but didn’t really had a meme face as he looked at Bojack.
“Bo, I had nothing to do with this, I swear!” The dog quickly said to his husband. Bojack... believed him.
“Come on, Bojack! Come here, you old horse! We all want to hear you sing!”
Bojack soon saw everyone looking at him, all of them expecting him to do it. A lot of them looked... amused.
As if they were about to see something very funny.
Were they thinking he was going to throw a tantrum? Or that he was going to sing it so bad that he would only manage to make a fool out of himself?
Were they all wanting to get a laugh at his expense?
That had to be it, from the looks on some of their faces.
Bojack was shaking.
But that was when Peanut stepped forward.
The dog immediately said that neither of them had agreed to it, and that they should not spring that on his husband when they both were tired from a whole day of shooting the final scenes of their show in time for it to be aired the next day on Christmas eve.
He even went as far as to say that, if they were going to be like that, then they would rather just leave the party to go home and relax.
He even took Bojack’s hand and tried to guide him to the exit, seeming like he was now actually mad with the people on the party.
But... Bojack didn’t went.
Instead, he told his husband that he wanted to sing.
“Bo, you don’t have to do this.” Peanut said to him. “Seriously, we can just go home now.”
He was worried.
However, not with Bojack doing anything to embarrass him. He was worried with Bojack. Because he knew that the horse had already compromised with a lot to come to this party with him, and that being asked to sing in front of everyone on top of everything else was asking too much.
However, for some reason, instead of telling Peanut that he did wanted to go home and have sex, he instead said:
“You were looking forward to this party all week. You don’t need to bail on it because of me. I’m going to sing.”
What was wrong with him!?!?!?!?
Was he seriously going to sing the same fucking carol he sang in front of the cameras for the show in front of all those fuckers!?
Was it not embarrassing enough that the entire country would see him singing it when the show aired!?!?
Why was he about to humiliate himself even more by singing it live for all those idiots, only because he didn’t wanted Peanut to lose this stupid fucking party when he was willing to leave earlier!?
Bojack was asking himself that as he made his way to the center of the room, where the owner of the party was waiting for him to give him the mic, what the horse took while giving him a very convincing fake smile.
“So, guess I am singing, ain’t I?” Bojack asked to everyone on the party, before turning to the band.
“You guys know the song, no? My White and Red Christmas? You know that one?”
The band all nodded. Of course, they would know that one. I mean, why would they not?
It was simply the lamest, corniest, cheesiest, most embarrassing Christmas carol ever composed. Seriously, it was named that several times in popular surveys. It was that type of goofy, ridiculous music that you would love and repeat non-stop as a five-year old, but that you would pierce your eardrums with a swab not to have to hear if you were literally any other age.
Bojack felt like hiding in a hole with a gun and putting a bullet on his brain right after he finished singing it for the show. And now there he was, singing it for the whole party that he didn’t even wanted to come to on the first place.
And he did it well.
For the second time on the last few weeks, Bojack was glad that one of the many of his hobbies that Peanut talked him into trying and engaging regularly was karaoke. He managed to make Bojack a half-decent singer.
For the only thing worse than a lame Christmas carol was an off-tune lame Christmas carol.
And Bojack was confident he ha not been off-tune, as by the end of it, everyone on the party was applauding, with a good number of them laughing.
Strangely enough, Bojack found out he didn’t really give a fuck about the laughing.
Not very much.
But he did go for another cup of wine after the song was done, all the while Peanut was by his side, and so was the owner of the party, to whom the dog was glaring daggers.
“How do you even know about the music?” The dog asked of him. “That was supposed to be a surprise of the episode! We even recorded it with no public!”
“I am good friends with the assistant director.” The lizard said to the two of them, while his long and forked tongue whipped into the air as he spoke. Bojack wondered why it was that so many lizards did that. “He let me peek at the script. I have to say, I wish I was there to see a scrooge such as Bojack singing My White and Red Christmas. So, I decided to give every one of my guests a treat by letting them all hear it live rather than wait for Christmas morning to hear it.”
He had a shit eating grin on his face as his words pretty much confirmed that he did it just because he wanted to fuck with Bojack. And this, in turn, made Peanut glare at him even harder, showing a hostility that many would think uncharacteristic of a guy like him.
Bojack, on his end, was strangely chill with the fact that someone basically set him up to look like a fool.
“So, you basically know what goes on behind the scenes on our show?” Bojack asked casually, to what the lizard said he did.
“I even know how to child actor boy you guys have to work with is a little pain in the ass. Total cunt, was what I heard. Even more than your horse husband.” He said, “That certainly makes me glad I never had any children, if they are all little nightmares like that.”
“Not all children are.” Peanut said to him. “None of my brother’s children are. And I am sure that our child won’t be as well.”
The lizard blinked as he looked at Peanut. By the dog’s side, Bojack nearly choked on the wine, coughing up a little before recomposing himself.
“Oh, what is this?” The lizard said, a smirk on his scaly lips. “Does that mean the Horseman-Butters have a little butter-ball on the oven? I did notice you have been gaining weight lately.”
It was obviously a joke, laced with malicious mockery. Peanut didn’t even bother correcting him about the fact he was obviously talking about when they decided to adopt a child. He did, however, got worried when he saw the look at his husband’s face, as he still reeled from what Peanut just said.
However, as he tried to address it, Bojack quickly pointed to him that they started serving the snacks he licked and that they should go bad get some.
From there, the party progressed without any further incidents. The couple talked to some people (again, mostly Peanut), drank, ate, and Peanut even convinced Bojack to go to the middle of the floor and dance with him among the other idiots dancing to the slow music the band was playing.
All in all, it was not as grueling and annoying as Bojack had expected and feared it to be.
But that was not to say that it was not annoying enough that Bojack needed a decent amount of alcohol to get through the night.
And Peanut had some alcohol as well.
In fact, they both had enough that they decided, as a couple, that neither of them was okay to drive, so they just called a cab as soon as they made their way out of there, with Peanut making sure to stop to a few people to let them know they were leaving, while Bojack pretty much felt like that kid who was forced to stop on the mall as the parent kept stopping to talk with friends about stupid grown-up stuff, they called an uber which dropped the two of them all the way to their home.
And the driver would not shut up until the moment they arrived.
“Anyways, I do miss some of the humor of the old series, even though you did some pretty good jokes on the new version. You guys are being careful not to offend anyone, aren’t you? Ugh, this whole political correctness thing is just killing quality tv, don’t you agree?”
“Oh yeah, almost as much as the lack of a scriptwriter who actually knows what he is doing...” Bojack said drily as he opened the door and stepped out, with Peanut paying the man for the ride and quickly rushing after his husband.
“Well, the night was not as bad, was it?” Peanut asked as he fished the keys off his pocket and opened the door. Behind him, Bojack said nothing, and the dog took it as a bad sign.
Bojack always became more withdrawn when he was in a bad mood.
“Bo, I am sorry about that thing that happened in the party. I swear I had no idea that they would-” Peanut was trying to apologize, but he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder as he was spun around and then he saw himself face to face with his husband, before Bojack grabbed his face and pulled him into a deep kiss that soon became sloppy.
Peanut, surprised, but already used to Bojack’s straight-forwardness, was soon returning the kiss, putting his arms around the horse while he pulled him into a deeper kiss, their tongues touching each other and dancing before the two of them broke the kiss.
“Wow. That was out of nowhere.” Peanut said with a smile. To what Bojack said:
“No, it wasn’t.”
And he pointed above them, and Peanut followed his finger to see the piece of green thing, with a hint of red, hanging above their heads.
“If you are under the mistletoe you gotta kiss. That’s a Christmas rule. Maybe the only one I actually give a fuck about.” Bojack said, “And for the gay Christmas rule, if you and your husband are under a mistletoe, you suck his face like there’s no tomorrow.”
And with that said, Bojack went back to kiss Peanut, and this time even harder. The dog, of course, returned the kiss. Bojack broke it only for a moment, to say:
“And you still owe me for the shower blue-balling...”
The way he spoke that sent shivers down Peanut’s spine as the horse went back to sucking his face. The door was unlocked, and they both made their way inside, still sucking face. Especially since Bojack had snatched the mistletoe from where it was hanging and was not using a hand to hold it right above them while they kissed.
Even as they started to hurriedly remove each other’s clothes and grind their hips together, the horse continued to hold the mistletoe over their heads, as if it had some kind of magic that made them both hornier and the horse wanted to be sure it would be in full effect all night.
“Bedroom!” Bojack said as they broke the kiss. “Now!”
And he practically dragged Peanut by the scruff of his neck all the way back to their shared bedroom. The bedroom was still pretty much what it was back when Bojack was still single. However, there was no denying that Peanut’s presence on his life made itself known on the bedroom with the small thing here and there. Like that new bedsheet that was something Bojack himself never would consider putting on his own bed, but that the dog had gifted to him for his anniversary, and that he put in every other week just to see the dog smiling,
And now, he would be fucking the dog raw on top of it.
And he would be making it special.
Peanut still got dizzy with how hard and fast Bojack could toss him onto the bed. He was recovering as he saw the horse walking to their closet and pratcially slamming the doors open so he could fish out a box out of it.
“Ohhh, we using the toys tonight?~” Peanut asked, and the horse had already opened it, and he looked at the dog smirking.
“I told you, dog. You owe me for leaving me with blue balls during that whole stupid party.” He then tossed a pair of fuzzy handcuffs to the dog. “Headboard, both hands above your head.”
That direct instruction was very clear to Peanut.
“Hmm, yessir.~” He said and then proceeded to lay on the bed, only on his briefs, and to cuff his wrists with the cuffs Bojack gave him, making sure to pass the chain over the headboard of their bed in a way that his hands were now both stuck above his head as he laid down on the soft mattress.
“I never get tired of seeing you like that, hun.” Bojack said to the dog as he approached him. “I blame you for making my BDSM fetish flourish as much as it did.”
“Guess I can be a naughty dog, no?” Peanut asked. “Perhaps you should punish me.”
“I am plan to, you mutt.” Bojack said to him as he approached him, lowering his underwear and just tossing it to the side as he now walked to the dog naked, his hard, throbbing member bobbing with each movement he did as he crawled above the dog until he was practically sitting on his chest, his dick just an inch away from Peanut’s snout, as the horse revealed that he still had the mistletoe on his hand.
And he was holding it right above his dick.
“If you’re under the mistletoe, you gotta kiss.” Bojack said to the dog, who looked at him, and then at the throbbing member before him.
“Hmmm, if you say so.” And he leaned forward and gave that cock’s head a kiss. However, this was not good enough for Bojack.
“Come on, you can do better than that! I know it for a fact!”
And Peanut could. And he did, as he leaned forward and gave another, longer kiss to the cock, and this time he pursed his lips and poked his tongue out, swirling it over the piss-slit while sucking on the dick lightly.
“Hmmmmmmmm...” Bojack moaned softly as he felt his dick being sucked. Then, without warning, he shoved it all the way into Peanut’s mouth.
The dog’s eyes widened and watered as Bojack shoved his dick into his throat and held it there for good twenty seconds, causing the dog to gag heavily around it. Luckily, Peanut’s years with Bojack’s brand of rough sex made it that the dog could suppress his gag-reflex enough that he would not vomit once Bojack did something like that.
After this, Bojack pulled his dick out of Peanut’s throat, and then shoved it all the way in again and holding for nearly thirty second, causing Peanut’s throat to convulse around his dick before he pulled out just enough to let the dog draw in air through his nostrils and then shoving his dick in once more and holding it there.
This kept going on for nearly ten minutes, before Bojack eventually got tired of punishing his husband’s throat like that. Then, he just sighed as he pulled out. Then, using a piece of string and the lamp they had by their bedpost, Bojack arranged it for the mistletoe to be hanging right above Peanut.
Peanut looked at this mistletoe above him, as Bojack moved, grabbing his legs and pulling them up.
“You know, it would be easier if you just used the bottled lube we got.” Peanut said to Bojack as the horse positioned his dick.
“Easier? Yes. As gratifying as hearing your cute sounds as I make you choke on a dick like I’ve told you to do for years? Definitely not.” Bojack said as he aligned his cock, coated in spit, pre and throat-slime right on Peanut’s tailhole. “Now, enough talking.” He leaned over Peanut, putting a hand on his cheek. “You still gotta kiss when under the mistletoe.”
“Kissing the mouth where your dick had just been?” Peanut asked with a smirk. “Will Bojack Horseman-Butter really do that?”
“Oh, shut up and kiss me, you stupid dog.” Bojack said, and he practically shoved his tongue on Peanut’s mouth and started making out with him.
He could still taste what he could only assume was the flavor of his own cock. There was a time when this flavor would have sickened him. When he would never even consider putting his tongue or lips anywhere near to a mouth that had just sucked a dick, including his own. There was a reason why he had always been glad that most hookers didn’t kiss, and the that the ones who did only done so if paid for it.
And now, there he was, willingly kissing a mouth that he had just been throat-fucking and enjoying it.
Did I really changed that much after getting married?
Bojack moaned on Peanut’s mouth as the dog’s tongue wrestled his own, with Bojack’s tongue easily wrestling it back and making it its bitch as the dog’s tongue was put into submission. And, once his tongue was dominating the dog’s, Bojack used this chance to shove his dick up Peanut’s ass.
The dog’s moan was muffled by his husband’s mouth, and Bojack, having been pent up since the shower earlier, did not wasted any time in any more foreplay, as he just went right into pounding Peanut’s ass.
They made out sloppily, slobbering all over each other’s mouths as Bojack fucked the dog. Their muffled moans filling the room just like the creaking of the bed.
Peanut never got tired of how rough Bojack was in bed. His actions might even seem violent to others, but Peanut loved it. Ever since that first time they had sex over three years ago, when he and Bojack had sex together for the first time. The night when both their lives changed forever as they entwined.
Peanut loved how rough and forceful Bojack was. So much that he asked him if they could repeat it one of those days.
That led them to where they were now, a married couple, making rough love on their bed the same way Peanut still loved. Now with some bondage threw in the mix, as well as their usual married-couple love.
At least, it felt like love, as Peanut was kissed by his stud of a husband while being railed like a bitch underneath him. The entire bed creaked under them as Bojack railed Peanut hard, like he did on almost every time they fucked. However, even the creaking of the bed was not louder than their moans. It was basically all they could hear, and all that they cared to hear as they continued to make love like a pair of wild animals, Peanut’s muscles straining as his arms pulled from the cuffs and Bojack drove his dick in and out of his husband’s as in quickly, powerful movements that would certainly leave the two of them feeling sore in the morning after. And yet, Bojack continued to fuck his husband dog, until both came in a hard, explosive simultaneous orgasm that made both their backs arch, their lips separating as their moans, which were more like screams, echoed through the whole house, causing a bunch of birds sleeping by the window to fly away scared.
After this, the two of them were panting as they stayed there. Bojack, however, didn’t take long to pull his dick out, and then move until he had his knees by the sides of Peanut’s chest, pressing against the bed.
Peanut looked forward, at his husband’s cum-covered dick.
Was he going to make Peanut suck it clean? He’s done it before, after all.
However, it seemed that today Bojack was on the mood for something different.
“If you’re under the mistletoe...” Bojack said to his husband once more, as he shifted above him, turning around so now Peanut was facing his butt. Then, the horse used his hands to pull his cheeks apart until his asshole was in full view of the dog, aligned perfectly with his mouth.
“You gotta kiss. You did promise this to me, after all.”
Peanut couldn’t help but smirk.
“Bo, you naughty horse.~” He said, to what Bojack said back:
“Shut up and start making out with my ass.”
“Promise you won’t fart?”
“Promise I won’t fart... this time.”
“Fine by me.” Peanut said, and then he leaned forward, his mouth open and with his tongue out, and he put himself to work.
Fuck... Bojack thought as he felt that tongue making contact with his asshole. He never knew that it could feel so good.
Fuck, if he knew having someone shoving their tongue on his ass, he would have aske one of the hookers he used to pay for to do it years ago!
“Ohhhh, yesssss...” Bojack moaned. “Yes, that’s right. Make out with my ass, you fucking bitch!” He pushed back, nearly sitting on Peanut’s face, causing the dog to moan as he worked even harder on eating out his husband’s ass. This, in turn mad Bojack moan even louder.
“Man, how nice my bitch of a husband is being for me tonight!” Bojack said, “I’d even say he deserves a reward...”
With this. Bojack fished something else out of their toybox. This time, it was a vibrating wand.
This was Peanut’s favorite, and the dog felt an urge of excitement right when he heard the click followed by the sound of the motor of the thing humming.
For the next several minutes, the two of them moaned. Bojack as he had his ass eaten by Peanut, and Peanut as his husband teased him with the vibrating wand, causing his dick to throb and leak and give him the perfect encouragement to shove his tongue even deeper on the horse’s hole, what caused Bojack to press the wand’s head harder on Peanut’s dick while setting the thing on max.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...” Bojack said as he sat on his husband’s muzzle, using his free hand to masturbate furiously, and letting out a scream as he came. Beneath him, Penut followed suit soon after, his body trembling as his dick, under constant assault by the vibration wand, throbbed and spilled his load all over his own stomach as the dog yelled in pleasure with a faceful of horse ass.
They were both trembling and moaning as the afterglow hit them. And they were still far from done...
The alarm-clock was one of the things that annoyed Bojack the most so early in the morning. That was why, as soon as it started blaring, the horse promptly snatched it from the nightstand and promptly tossed it through the window of their bedroom.
“Bo, we talked about this...” Peanut said, groggily “You can’t just yeet our alarm clocks away every morning. It is too expensive to keep buying new ones.”
“So what? We are rich.” Bojack said, as he stirred in bed. Then he turned to look at his husband, who had his face still smeared in cum and sweat (a lot of said sweat coming from Bojack’s butt), and still cuffed to the bed. Around said bed, were a lot of sex toys, scattered around as remnants from their night together.
“We really took it to another level tonight, didn’t we?” Peanut said to his husband with a tired smile. To that, Bojack shrugged.
“Yeah, we fucked harder than usual yesterday. Wouldn’t mind doing that again for New Years’. That would certainly be a good way to celebrate. Add our own fireworks to the mix.”
“Yeah, sure.” Peanut said to the horse. “Speaking of celebrations... Bo, did you thought about meeting my brother and his wife tonight for a Christmas feast at his friend’s house? I know you don’t like the data as a whole, but maybe if it is a small celebration it would be nice. And I think Meena is warming up to you more since Thanksgiving.”
Bojack was about to just say no, but then, as he stopped to think about it, he then said:
“Yeah, sure.”
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah, why not.” Bojack said, “Compared to any other party I could go with, I guess being with your brother’s family is the less annoying option. Now, what about we get you out of those cuffs so we can start the fucking day?”
And Bojack released the cuffs simply by pressing buttons on them. They were sex toys, after all. And, as soon as he was free, Peanut put his arms around Bojack and pulled him into another kiss, deep and passionate.
After nearly a minute, he broke the kiss, and looked at his husband, while pointing up.
“We are still under the mistletoe.” He was pointing at the green thing that has been there since last night, and that had witnessed a considerable amount of kissing ever since.
Without saying another word, Peanut got up and walked to the bathroom, leaving Bojack to lay on the bed, looking at the ceiling.
Fuck... I guess being married really can change someone, can’t it? He thought as he laid there, hearing Peanut brushing his teeth on their shared sink.
I honestly like dog breath now!