Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Taerae, have I ever told you that every time I'm met with the slightest inconvenience, I give myself the most mentally unstable, stably homosexual dye job I can?"

Taerae sneaks a peek at Hao's head. "Is that why you're blonde now?"

In response, Hao collapses onto the nearest relatively solid object as dramatically as he can. Which would probably be a lot more effective if he had a bed or a sentient rock to flop onto Disney Princess-style, but considering how they're smack in the middle of the cafeteria, his minor inconvenience-induced swooning only serves to give Taerae the impression of a geriatric seal on cocaine. In the most fabulous way possible, of course, because Hao is many things, and one of those many things is Fabulous. With a capital F.

(Well, Taerae's many things too. No one can say the best hype boy in town isn't one of them.)

"So...uh...what happened?" Taerae asks cautiously.

In response, Hao lifts his head for a grand total of two point five seconds before letting it fall again, even more dramatically than the first time (if that's even possible). Taerae elects to keep his mouth shut about the fact that his forehead's probably picked up at least twenty different kinds of new diseases (those cafeteria tables have seen some shit) and starts trying his hand at detective work instead. Which he's pretty good at, if he does say so himself. After all, his ego's still pretty inflated from the one time he'd managed to track down the guy with the biggest dick in the entirety of the Music department---and actually get a taste of said dick. (All good detectives deserve some payment, after all.)

"Was Gyuvin talking about Ricky's toes again?"

"No," Hao mumbles into the table. Or maybe to the table, for all Taerae knows. He's heard tables are very good listeners.

"Oh, good, because if I have to hear about Ricky's toes one more time, I will murder everyone in this room and then myself."

"I wish he talked about Ricky's toes."

"What? How could you---wait. No." Realisation crashes into Taerae like Truck-kun, except unfortunately, no matter how many times he goes jaywalking hoping to be isekai-ed into a historical manhua as the prettiest princess in the kingdom with a harem of supremely hot, supremely big-dicked soldiers, just like all those times, the crash is metaphorical. Because there's only one thing (he mentally prays that his inner monologue won't get copyrighted by STAYC) that could be worse than Gyuvin's toe fetish. Or, considering how he vehemently insists that it's only Ricky's toes he likes whenever anyone questions him about it, maybe his Ricky fetish in general. "They didn't."

Hao groans. Rolls over. Except the cafeteria tables are ridiculously small, so all he does is flop face-down into the floor (and probably pick up about twenty more new infectious diseases while he's at it). To his credit, Hao definitely isn't one to shy away from committing to the bit, so he remains on the ground. (Rosé would be proud.) "They did. With tongue."

Yup. That sounds exactly like something Ricky and Gyuvin would do---committing the worst crime possible to their fellow man, the unforgivable sin, the crème de la crème, the queue et des boules (or something like that. Taerae wouldn't know, considering how his only source of French is Matthew, and Matthew's never been known for teaching appropriately safe for work things): making out in front of Hao.

(With tongue too, apparently.)

"Yeah, I don't blame you. I think I would shave my entire scalp if they did that to me," Taerae supplements helpfully, and Hao proceeds to do his best impression of a rock. "If it helps, the blonde looks absolutely fantastic on you."

Hao glances up with eyes that look like they came straight out of Sailor Moon. Well, gay out of Sailor Moon. "Really? How does it make my ass look?"

Taerae shoots him two thumbs ups. And then curls his toes into thumbs ups (toes ups?) too, even though Hao can't see them. (He's not going to tell him that. Unlike Gyuvin, he does not particularly enjoy talking about toes.) "Fatter than Ricky's wallet."

"Just as God intended it to be." Okay, they're getting somewhere. Taerae's finally coaxed an emotion that isn't despair out of Hao's tone. Although horniness may not be all that much better.

Because Hao may actually die (from either suffocation or bacterial infection, whichever comes first) if he remains on the floor for much longer and losing his gossip buddy would obviously be so not fetch, Taerae decides to bring out the big guns, the nuclear bombs, the queue et des boules---because Taerae is a huge fan of using phrases that he doesn't even know the meaning of and blaming Matthew if anyone calls him out on it, no homo françias. "If you die now, you won't be able to hear what I found out about Jimin and Minjeong."

It works. Hao miraculously comes back to life (without Taerae even needing to kiss him again, hallelujah), springing to his feet with a few misplaced knee creaks (hah, old) and the kind of shit-eating grin on his face only the promise of worldwide news can create---or at least, what the duo voted Most Likely To Actually Find John Cena (Taerae still has the yearbook to prove it) never fail to make worldwide news. (They also got voted Most Likely To Start A War With Australia, but that's irrelevant.) "Are they fucking?"

"Worse," Taerae declares gleefully in the best whisper he can manage. "They're fighting."

Hao squeals. He'd squealed the exact same way during that one brojob they'd exchanged during both their Sahara spells. (Taerae almost misses his Sahara spells. That was the best brojob of his life.) "Okay, now that's good. Who'd you hear that from?"

"Oh, just my friend's cousin's brother's uncle's pet fish," Taerae replies flippantly. "And you'll never believe this, Hao. It's because---"

"Hi!" a familiar voice interjects, right before hesitating immediately. "Sorry, was I interrupting something?"

Oh. Taerae's heart skips a beat.

The worst thing about tracking down the dude with the biggest dick in the Music department (the Dance subsection, but still) and then sleeping with the dude is that now Taerae actually has to. Well. See said dude. On a daily basis. (Or at least a weekly one.) Which would be fine, because Sung Hanbin is ridiculously easy on the eyes, if it weren't for the fact that Taerae can't look at him without his brain conjuring up at least five hundred and sixty-nine mental images of the absolute monster he's got.

(And kind of wanting it in him again. He's loyal that way.)

Anyway, Taerae's newfound Sahara spell aside (it's been exactly two weeks, fourteen hours, twenty-one minutes, and thirty-eight seconds, but hey, who's counting?) the man with the biggest dick in the entire Music department, also known as Sung Hanbin, is standing right in front of him. Fully clothed. With pink hair. With pink fucking hair holy shit oh my gosh yeah I'm going to ride him sooo hard---

"Hey, Hao!" Hanbin chirps. "Love the new hair. And---" It might just be Taerae's overactive imagination, but he swears Hanbin's cheeks turn the same shade as his new(ish? Last time Taerae checked, he was still blonde) dye job. "Hi, Taerae. Am I interrupting anything?"

Taerae short-circuits a little.

"Yes," he manages to squeak out. "I mean---no. I mean---yes. I mean---"

Hao, who has had more than his fair share of experience stepping in for the socially inept and dick-dumb alike (and has also heard way too many hours of Taerae squealing over how Hanbin had actually let him take a measuring tape to his dick, what a man---they're definitely getting the I.O.I copyright infringement notice next), quickly cuts him off. "No, not at all. I totally was not about to get the juiciest scoop since like...when the news that Wonyoung and Yuna were dating leaked!"

"Uh, Hao," Taerae points out. "That was yesterday."

"Your point being?"

Hanbin looks instantly chastised, turning away. "I'm so sorry! I'll just---"

"No, wait, stay. I'm kidding." Hao shoots the most undiscrete wink in the world in Taerae's direction, one that lets him know I've got your back, bro. And your ass. (Taerae almost sheds a tear. It's the thought that counts.) "What brings you here, gorgeous? Did you come to see---" He gestures to Taerae, who is pretty sure he's turning about fifty different shades of red right about now--- "My beautiful, fantastic, talented comrade? Did I ever mention that he can play the guitar with his toes, hanging upside down from the ceiling? Or that he scores one hundred and one out of one hundred for every subject? Or that he fights off several venomous tigers when he climbs every hill both ways to get to university every morning?"

(This time, Taerae really does shed a tear. Forget love, Hao's ruined his standards for men forever.)

Hanbin shoots Taerae a giant smile, one that simultaneously brings out the whisker dimples in his cheeks, sends the sun into hiding for fear of being usurped, and one-shot K.O.'s Taerae's poor, weak, fragile, men-loving heart. (Also, instantly spikes up his libido. Fuck, that smile, mmm.) "Really? You're amazing, Taerae!" he exclaims, without a single hint of sarcasm in his voice, because Sung Hanbin simply does not know how to be sarcastic. Before Taerae has the chance to take Hao's earlier place on the floor, Hanbin continues, "But actually, I'm here to ask if you guys want to nominate someone for the Best Couple Contest!"

"The what?" Hao stands up, slamming both palms on the shitty cafeteria table (which fortunately holds its own even against the ten thousand kilowatts of pure homosexual energy bearing down on it, bless its soul). "Why didn't I hear about this?"

Hanbin blushes. "Well, it's because we actually just came up with it five minutes ago. See, Gunwook was walking to school this morning when he saw this animal shelter that had a For Sale sign on its front door."

Hao gasps.

"As well as a crying girl on the doorstep."

Hao gasps even louder.

"And a bunch of sad animals in cages."

Hao gasps so loud he breaks the sound barrier and effectively drowns Hawaii in one sonic boom. Taerae privately thanks whichever author chronicling their lives for their incredible foresight in making his best friend extra dramatic, because that just means they won't have to fork out the extra cash for the laugh track.

"Anyway, he talked to the girl and found out she was the owner of the shelter, and that the shelter was closing down because they simply couldn't afford to stay open any longer. Which meant..." Hanbin looks like he's holding back tears. (A man perfectly in touch with his own emotions. Taerae swoons.) "That all the puppies and kitties would be going to...the pound."

"No!" Hao shrieks. The resounding sonic boom takes out California this time.

"Obviously, we couldn't just sit there and let it happen! So the student council decided to host a competition, and Matthew suggested a Best Couple Contest! In which you have to pay to vote for or nominate anyone, obviously, because we would never be able to raise money for the shelter if this was free."

Taerae blinks. "That's...actually a good idea. Hey, Hao, are you sure Matthew only got into student council just because the president's his boyfriend?"

"So, let me guess, Mr Vice President, I assume you're going around to collect said couple nominations?" Hao asks.

"Yup!" Hanbin replies cheerfully, eyes crinkling up at the edges. It's then that Taerae realises he's holding a box almost half the size of him with a messily carved slot that looks almost like a---never mind, he wouldn't know anyway---right on top. (In his defense, Taerae had been way more focused on other things about Hanbin besides giant boxes.) "Would you like to nominate anyone?"

"How much is it?" Hao asks, pulling out his wallet. Taerae's pretty sure he sees a fly unsteadily totter out of the cracked fabric. Which also happens to be held together by rubber bands and patches of rather suspicious-looking black mold. Forget wallet, that's a biohazard.

"Six hundred won."

Hao turns to Taerae with pleading eyes.

Taerae sighs, reaching for his own wallet. "If it's for the puppies---"

"And the kitties," Hanbin interjects.

"And the kitties, because I have been taught never to argue with a beautiful man, I'll do it. Hao, who should we nominate?"

"Gyuvin and Ricky?" Hao suggests.

They look at each other. And immediately burst out laughing.

Yeah, not a chance in hell.

"Hey, Hanbin," Hao starts. "If anyone nominates Gyuvin and Ricky, could you do me a favour and rig the box? Just take their names out. I'll even pay you for it."

Hanbin glances at the wad of bills Hao's somehow managed to conjure up from thin air. (Taerae is about ninety-eight percent sure he pulled it out from between his tits.) "That is Monopoly money."

Hao sighs dramatically enough to sink Arkansas. "Can't blame a man for trying."

👑

"Good morning, everyone!" Gunwook's voice echoes through the megaphone he's holding.

"It's two p.m," Matthew interjects, leaning over. Considering how the entire student body is gathered in the courtyard and can hear Matthew even though he's whispering, Taerae's not entirely sure why Gunwook's bothering with the megaphone at all. A for Effort, he supposes.

"Shh, babe, good morning sounds so much better for dramatic effect. Anyway, hello, everyone! It's your student council president speaking!" A few students near Gunwook wince at the feedback bouncing out of the megaphone. Another sonic boom takes out Chicago this time. "As I'm sure you've heard, we'll be having a Best Couple Contest for world domination---uh, I mean animal saving---and your nominations have all been collected! We've---and by we, I mean our unpaid intern, thank you, Daeul---tallied all the nominations, and we've selected seven lucky couples from your nominations to go head-to-head against each other in this exciting contest!"

"For once, Gunwook's right. This actually does sound exciting," Hao muses.

"How is this going to work, you may ask? Well, all of you will be given the chance to cast your votes for the couple you think is the best! But only if you have money, of course. This is for the animals. Anyway, each day, the couple with the least votes will be eliminated until by the end of the week, there is only one couple left standing! That couple will be crowned the Best Couple of the Year and receive a sur-prize!"

"Did you say that last bit just because Jiwoong-hyung told you a pun and you couldn't wait to use it, or is it because you don't actually know what the prize is going to be yet?" Matthew quips. Gunwook instantly shuts him up with a kiss. (Maybe Taerae should invest more effort into being annoying. It might get him kisses too.)

Nevertheless, the crowd goes wild. Hao and Taerae instantly begin hugging each other and jumping up and down, because they just have a lot of feelings. Also just because they can.

"Okay, so a lot of you nominated Matthew and I. Unfortunately, as the organisers of this whole thing, we are ineligible from participating due to possible accusations of vote rigging. We are not having a repeat of the turkey incident." Gunwook goes red, especially when his boyfriend pushes himself up on his toes to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, though. We're very flattered."

What follows is at least two minutes of PDA. Taerae conveniently goes blind and deaf until it's over.

"The first couple is..." Matthew glances at the bottom of his foot. "Top Jyuvgcin and Jim Nunheog?"

"Yoo Jimin and Kim Minjeong, babe," Gunwook corrects gently, evidently electing to ignore the fact that all the furniture in the courtyard has started floating.

From the corner of his eye, Taerae spots Minjeong's mouth falling open in a gasp before she shoots an angry glance at her girlfriend and steps away from her. Jimin returns the gesture. Huh. I guess my source wasn't lying about them having bad blood right now.

"The second couple is...Park Hanbin and Lee Jeonghyeon!"

"All right!" Something flies into the air. Taerae assumes it's Park Hanbin. Or it could just be more levitating furniture, which still has yet to rediscover gravity.

"The third couple is...Kim Gyuvin and Shen Quanrui!"

"Oh, fuck no," Hao wails, just as the PDA plague instantly hits them in a wave so hard he falls to his knees. Another sonic boom has New York sinking into the ocean. Taerae conveniently goes blind and deaf again for so long that by the time he regains all senses (or at least most of them, because seeing Gyuvin and Ricky make out in public tends to give one permanent brain damage), Gunwook's clearing his throat again.

"And the seventh couple is..."

"Oh my gosh, I bet it's going to be Wonyoung and Yuna. It has to be Wonyoung and Yuna. I bet actual money on it being Wonyoung and Yuna," Hao chants excitedly.

Taerae shoots him a confused glance. "I thought you were broke."

"Okay, so this one actually fell for the Monopoly money trick. Hey, it's that guy's fault for being blind as shit," Hao says with a shrug, and because Taerae supports women's rights and women's wrongs, all he can do is agree. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, as the youngsters say.

"ZHANG HAO AND KIM TAERAE!"

"Huh?" Hao's mouth falls open.

"What?" Taerae's jaw hits the bacteria-infested ground.

His first instinct is to protest. To stand up and insist that he and Hao aren't even a couple, so what the heck are they doing in a best couple contest, and---

Taerae stops. There's a glint in Hao's eye, one that he knows all too well. Because he's been best friends with Hao for years, and what he knows is that Hao never backs down from a challenge. Especially when the slightest potential of winning some sweet, sweet cash is involved and Hao's wallet consists of rubber bands, about fifty grams of black mold, and one constantly-hungover fly.

("You should really get rid of that thing," Taerae had suggested once, when said fly had staggered drunkenly out of Hao's wallet, plucked the bag of nacho cheese Doritos straight from Taerae's fingers, and proceeded to settle itself down on Hao's bed for a nap.

"That is my pet, you monster," Hao had hissed in reply.)

Well. Taerae can relate, since he's pretty much the same.

"Hey, Taerae," Hao starts, a twinkle of mischief gleaming in his gaze. "In it to win it?"

Taerae mentally weighs out his options in his head (even though everyone's cheering and clapping and it's getting really hard to think, but then again, Taerae did not get a gold star in internal monologuing for no reason.)

Pros: Hao's hot. He'd have a hot fake boyfriend. He'd have a really hot fake boyfriend who gives excellent brojobs, and this whole fake boyfriend thing might result in another one of those. And Taerae has never been one to say no to excellent brojobs. Also, if they win, they'd be able to stop the plague that is Chronic PDA (also known as Kim Gyuvin and Shen Quanrui) from spreading across the world and creating yet another global disaster, like the time Gunwook had to go bail them out of jail for making out in public. (Taerae believes the official term used was inappropriate displays of affection, aka we don't give a fuck that you're gay as shit but we do give a fuck that you're grinding on each other in broad daylight. Hao had suggested just leaving them in jail.)

Cons: none for the forseeable future. Taerae mentally rejoices that he wasn't exactly blessed with the gift of foresight. (Foreskin, maybe---never mind.)

Chapter Text

Kiss #57: Kim Taerae
❥ 8/10
❥ for an impulse kiss that was HAWTTT
❥ +1 for being a homie that just Goes For It, we love men who don't hesitate in this house
❥ could have used some tongue but given the circumstances, i think the lack of tongue was excusable
❥ unlocked some exhibitionistic tendencies in me i fear

"Are you writing in your Burn Book again?" Kuanjui chirps, cheerfully yanking open Hao's (already open, for the record) bedroom door because they stopped caring about boundaries after the first few naked showers together. Instinctively, Hao slams the book shut, even though Kuanjui's seen it far too many times for him to be embarrassed about it anymore. Heck, he's in it. (Kiss #18 with a solid 10/10 rating, for the record. The guy really knows how to use his tongue.)

Hao frowns at the cover of his Burn Book (that he even spent several hours on cutting out the cover letters for, only to use it as a running log of his various romantic trysts and sexual escapades instead. What's the point of a Burn Book if there's no actual burning in it? Unless he counts the number of guys he's given -4/10 ratings, he supposes). "What else would I be doing?"

Kuanjui taps one finger on his chin thoughtfully. "Well, you've engaged in several other activities over the past few years. There was that one situationship with Seok Matthew, as well as the time you spent getting your violin diploma, and---oh, we can't forget when you were the prime minister of China for four hundred and sixty-two days, of course." He grins. "But judging from the trajectory of your pen and the angle you were writing at, I'm guessing the latest entry is a certain Kim Taerae?"

Hao gapes at his roommate for a solid minute. "You could tell just from that?"

"Nah, I've been peeking over your shoulder the whole time." Kuanjui lets out an exaggerated sigh, folding one leg behind his head. (While standing. On his only other leg available. Without even wobbling once. Hao has no idea how he does it---or maybe he does, considering how he has more than firsthand experience with his roommate's flexibility given how much they used to hook up back when they first moved in together.) "I can't believe you two were nominated for the Best Couple Contest! Me and Muti were robbed. We even have a child."

"Who you picked up from the street outside an Itaewon gay club and adopted solely because he decided he liked you two better than his actual parents and followed you home."

"Your point being? Do any of the other couples nominated have a child?"

"Who you co-parent not only with your boyfriend but also with a random guy you met in the backrooms of the very same Itaewon gay club."

Kuanjui harrumphs imperiously. "Hyun is not just some random guy, thank you very much. I'll have you know we found him in that club for a reason."

"Because you're a freak," Hao snorts, ducking just in time to effectively avoid the Nicki Minaj copyright strike flying over his head.

"Can't deny that!" Kuanjui chirps cheerfully, before squinting at Hao suspiciously. "But...you two aren't actually dating, right? Because my gaydar definitely clocks you both as raging homosexuals, but not raging homosexuals that so happen to be homosexual for each other, if you know what I mean? And my gaydar is always right, so..."

"Yeah, we aren't dating," Hao admits, because Kuanjui may be almost as big of a gossip as he himself is, but he knows how to keep his friends' secrets. (Plus, it would be pretty hard for him to keep his fake-dating life a secret from Kuanjui, considering how he literally lives with the dude. He can sense any potential late night hookups getting pretty awkward if he has to stop and explain to his roommate that he and Taerae are only temporary fake boyfriends first.)

Kuanjui gives him the most judgemental side-eye he's received all week. (And that's saying a lot, considering how he's best friends slash currently fake boyfriends with the queen of bombastic side-eyes. Not hearts, for that matter. He's not getting that Twice copyright strike today.) "Question: why are you taking part in a Best Couple Contest if you're not...actually a couple?"

Hao snaps open his wallet (or rather, his handful of black mold held together by rubber bands) and lets one extremely overweight, extremely disoriented fly crawl out. (In his defense, he hadn't planned on keeping the fly at first, but he kind of just...stuck around. And then Hao named him Bob. And then Hao found out Bob has a raging alcohol problem, judging by the microscopic bottle of whiskey he'd witnessed Bob gulping from one day, but hey, at least he's never lonely.)

"Touché. Gunwook never said anything about there being a cash prize, though."

"He also never said anything about there not being a cash prize. I'm an optimist."

"You're delusional."

"Delulu is the solulu. Confucius, 2006."

"I doubt Confucius was even alive in 2006."

"No one ever said that was the Confucius I was referring to. I knew a dim sum seller back in Fujian named Confucius."

"Okay, Confucius the dim sum seller aside, how did you two even get nominated? Why would people pay to nominate you guys?" Kuanjui pauses, finger tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Actually, never mind. I'm pretty sure I know why. It's because of all the gossiping, isn't it?"

Hao takes a second to consider it. There had definitely been the time he'd had his head in Taerae's lap while they'd been discussing the latest rumours floating around the teacher's lounge. (Professor Minatozaki and Dr Chou are dating, for the record!) As well as the time him and Taerae had ever so inconspiciously pretended to make out in a corner in order to spy on Jay and Jungwon. And of course, he can't forget the one time Taerae had managed to get his hands on the worldwide news of the year, being Jang Wonyoung and Shin Yuna's budding relationship and absolutely refused to tell Hao all about it, and Hao had decided the way to get his answers was to straddle the life out of Taerae's hips. In broad daylight. In the middle of the courtyard. Less than forty-eight hours ago.

Yeah, okay, maybe it was the gossiping that did it.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we're going to win," Hao declares.

Kuanjui folds himself into his most disbelieving stretch. "You're up against Gyuvin and Ricky, plus five other couples who are actually together."

"Ye of little faith, Mr Chen. I'm sure we can make all the other couples feel perfectly inadequate." Hao wrinkles his nose. "Except for maybe Gyuvin and Ricky, but we don't need to make them feel inadequate to leave them in the dust. First things first, I need to find a sugar daddy."

"What?"

"How am I supposed to put together the most convincing fake relationship in the history of all fake relationships if I can't get my fake boyfriend the best fake relationship gifts he deserves?"

"Or you could just beg, borrow, and steal," Kuanjui suggests.

Hao blinks. Then blinks again, because how hadn't he thought of that himself? "Kuanjui, have I ever told you that I love you?"

"Too many times to count. We should kiss, actually."

"Maybe you and I should have been fake boyfriends instead," Hao sighs dreamily.

"We really should have been. I don't think my real boyfriend would have been too happy with that idea, though." Kuanjui casually folds his feet behind his back (when did he even get on the floor?) and does a split, probably for good measure. "Do you need the piece of cardboard I got from my unpaid internship back in June? It was a free gift. They said, and I quote, that if I continued staying with their company, I'd need it to keep myself warm in the future."

"What would I need a piece of cardboard for?"

"For your evidence board, duh. How else are you supposed to keep track of what all your opponents' strengths and weaknesses are, as well as how to absolutely crush them?"

Yup, Hao concludes, not for the first time---after all, a guy who's that good with his tongue has to have a decent set of brains to go with it. Chen Kuanjui is a freaking genius.

👑

The first thing he does, obviously, because he needs something to do while Kuanjui sets up the cardboard box, illegally-obtained mugshots, and red glitter pens, is call Matthew. Some people might call it nepotism. Hao calls it utilising his resources.

"So I was thinking that you could perhaps rig the judging juuust a tiny bit. You know, since I'm your favourite ex and all," Hao suggests.

Matthew does not sound particularly impressed. "You're my only ex."

"Technicalities."

"If we're talking about technicalities, technically speaking, my current boyfriend is the one in charge of the competition, not me. Heck, you'd have better luck trying to persuade Sung Hanbin, considering how he's actually part of student council. I'm just the trophy wife."

"Couldn't you have fulfilled stereotypical gender roles for once and been a useful man?" Hao groans.

"Hey, you're a man too, you damn twink! When did you and Taerae even start dating, anyway?" Matthew complains.

Hao instantly hangs up, mainly because Matthew may not have a great nose for bullshit, but he'd rather not tell anyone anything without getting his elaborate backstories completely straight---or, well, gay---with his new fake boyfriend first. He turns back to Kuanjui, who is currently pinning up the pictures of the other couples that he does have (mostly positively scandalocious---oh, he's definitely getting that Glinda copyright strike---snapshots he and Taerae had stolen from peeking around corners) and covering their faces in red glitter penned whiskers and cat ears. "Well. Looks like bribery's out of the question."

"That's a shame," Kuanjui sighs. "I do love a good bribe."

Because Step One of The Great Winning A Best Couple Contest With Your Homie Who Isn't Even In An Actual Couple With You Plan (read: convincing Matthew to give him the win without him even having to try) is basically out of the question, Hao skips straight to Step Two, because no one ever baked a proper cake without breaking a few chickens. (Or however the saying goes.)

"I need your help," he says the moment the person on the other end picks up, pressing the phone to his ear.

"Wrong number, sorry," Yujin replies like the little shit he is. Hao almost sheds a tear. He definitely raised this kid well.

"Han Yujin, I saved you from having to experience death by snu snu by stealing your adoption papers seconds before Gyuvin could sign them off," Hao barks, because Yujin may have his nonbiological genes, but that doesn't mean he's going to let him off the hook.

"So that explains why Gyuvin camped outside our dorm for forty-eight hours that one time," Kuanjui muses.

Yujin's defeated sigh echoes through the phone. "Fine, what do you need?"

"Spy work."

"Is this about the Best Couple Contest?"

"Of course it's---wait, how do you know about that? Aren't you still in high school?"

"Wonyoung's sister is not only in my class but also almost as big a gossip as you are."

"Oh, right. Are you not using her name on purpose because you liiike her?" Hao can't resist teasing, because hey, a man's got to get in his daily dose of child bullying at least once a week. Especially when said child gladly bullies him back at a speed that would put Cha Woonggi's walking pace to shame, so Hao thinks he's perfectly justified in engaging in a little child abuse. (With a slash-j tone tag at the back of that statement, of course, because there is no way he's going to risk having to see a lawyer. Unless it's for reasons outside of getting in trouble with the law. Men in suits are hot as hell, after all.)

"Do you want me to spy on the other couples for you or not?" Yujin complains.

And because Yujin has once again proven to be the ideal partner in crime (read: free child labour) due to firstly, being smart enough to realise exactly what Hao wants him to do before Hao even says it, and secondly, knowing enough about lovey-dovey couple shit to actually be an effective spy (Hao blames that stupid love triangle the kid's stuck in at school. When he was Yujin's age...well, he'd say that he didn't even have one person chasing him, let alone two, but the truth is that Hao was rather popular among the boys even at the wee age of seventeen), Hao nods. Then realises Yujin can't see him, unless this alternate universe has somehow randomly decided to give him X-ray vision, so he replies instead, "Absolutely."

"What do I get in return?"

Hao sheds another tear. Yujin really does have his genes after all. "My undying love and affection?"

"Oh, so zero cents."

"Hey!"

(In the end, Hao ends up blissfully signing away Matthew as free labour for a week. He'd probably feel a lot worse about it if Matthew had actually helped him rig the results. Slave labour may be illegal in the Year of our Lord 2025, but Hao's been watching too much Bridgerton lately to care.)

👑

Step Three of The Great Winning A Best Couple Contest With Your Homie Who Isn't Even In An Actual Couple With You Plan (man, Hao really needs to shorten that name. He's pretty sure the author of whatever overdramatic fanfic he's in is getting tired as hell of writing all those words out every time he has an inner monologue) is figuring out how to treat your fake boyfriend right on a budget, because Taerae deserves the world. It's just that the world is kind of expensive and Hao has a wallet full of rubber bands, black mold, and an alcoholic fly named Bob. (He fucking loves Bob, but Bob's not going to help him get any extra cash. Maybe he should just put Bob to work. The dude may be a fly, but that doesn't give him the right to sleep in Hao's bed, drink in his wallet, and steal his nacho cheese Doritos for free.)

That's how he ends up at Emart, the general saving grace for college slash university slash Masters that they don't even know why they decided to do students all over the globe. Maybe not so much for Masters students who also so happen to be flat broke, but hey, it's as good a start as any.

Just as he's figuring out how to haggle down the price of a box of strawberry Pocky (rich is the man with no debts, as Confucius the dim sum seller would say), a (rather gorgeous, if he does say so himself) hand reaches around him, towards the freezer.

"Oh, sorry!" a vaguely familiar voice says.

Hao glances up and almost instantly melts into a puddle. (Right in front of the freezer section, too. He'd never live it down.)

Here's the thing: as a teaching assistant himself, Hao is fully aware that some of his fellow colleagues are both around his age and pretty darn hot. (That one tryst with Choi Soobin outside the teacher's lounge may have nearly gotten both of them fired, but hashtag-so-worth-it.)

Here's another thing: everyone knows about Kim Jiwoong. It's hard to not know about Kim Jiwoong when a full orchestra starts playing every time he walks into the room and Hao has to start swatting away questionably real rose petals and hot pink glitter.

Here's another thing: said Kim Jiwoong, of the background orchestral music, falling rose petals, and air glitterbombs, is standing right in front of him. With blonde hair. And a black varsity jacket. And what looks like the tiniest hint of YSL Loveshine Candy Glaze, 05 Pink Satisfaction (approximately fifty-eight thousand, one hundred and sixty-seven won, for the record) dotting his plump gorgeous perfect fuck I kind of want to suck them off his face lips.

"Oh, hey," Hao manages to get out, trying to look as cool as possible. One of Jiwoong's entourage of petals lands on his nose and he instantly sneezes, immediately smashing his rizz level down to zero. (Damn. And he'd even tried so hard to maintain a healthy rizz level for the past few weeks.) "Fancy seeing you here."

Jiwoong looks mildly perplexed. "I live in the dorms."

"What a coincidence," Hao replies, "So do I. We have so much in common already."

To his relief, Jiwoong laughs, prompting another shower of rose petals to land right on top of Hao's head. (Hao doesn't have enough dignity left to even attempt looking sheepish as he quickly begins stuffing them in his pockets. Hey, if he hangs around Jiwoong for long enough, he's pretty sure he'd have enough to open a flower shop. Or at least enough to make Taerae some pretty elaborate bouquets.) "And we're both TAs, too. We might as well be twins at this point."

Somewhere in the back of Hao's inner monologue, a sonic boom takes out Alabama.

"So, what are you here for?" Jiwoong asks, reaching for a Rokeby Farms smoothie, with thirty grams of protein (mmm, gotta love a man who keeps himself in shape), double espresso-flavoured (probably a red flag, but heck, red's the main colour in China's flag too).

"Oh, you know," Hao says as casually as possible, trying to discreetly stuff glitter into his pockets even more casually. "Just picking up some stuff. For Taerae."

"Ah!" Jiwoong beams broadly, but for some reason, it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Hao's not exactly sure why. Maybe he's rethinking the double espresso protein smoothie. "Congratulations on being nominated for the Best Couple Contest, by the way! I really hope you guys win."

A few alarm bells go off in Hao's head, because that can only mean one thing: Kim Jiwoong, hot man extraordinaire of the blonde hair and perfect arms and gorgeous, YSL Loveshine Candy Glaze (05 Pink Satisfaction) adorned lips, thinks that he and Taerae are actually dating. Which would make sense, because basically the whole school thinks they're dating at this point. After all, they'd been...actually nominated for it, so Hao sure hopes the school thinks they're dating.

Well, okay. This means two things, the second thing being that from what Hao knows, Kim Jiwoong is a very nice man who does not partake in the big H (and no, not homosexuality, homewrecking) and therefore, would not be open to hitting on Hao no matter how many times he does the good ol' bend and snap against the condensed glass door of the chocolate-flavoured Barebells protein shakes with specks of dust and various interesting-looking pebbles on the Emart floor. (And maybe Bob the fly, too. He's got to earn his keeps, after all.)

So. As it stands, Hao is at a junction with a giant C floating above his head and ompetition and ock drifting down the two roads in front of him. And yeah, no one can say Hao doesn't pride himself on committing to the bit, but no one can say that Hao doesn't pride himself on committing to the tip either---never mind. Point is. Hot guy. Very hot guy. Insanely hot guy who has out of this world visuals and the best body Hao's ever wanted to lay his grubby little paws on. Insanely hot guy blah blah blah, his inner monologue gets the drift, who thinks he's taken.

Guilt and competition wages a war in the back of Hao's inner monologue. Hao chooses dick.