Chapter Text
Alec was a person who needed rules; rules for everything. He followed them and so if he did something wrong, he knew why it had happened: he hadn’t followed the rules. What happened then if he didn’t follow the rules? It didn’t matter whether he had broken a rule on purpose or not, he had to be punished.
Self-harm was the usual punishment. That implied overtraining, basically making himself physically hurt in any way.
Magnus, Isabelle and Jace knew about his rules, but he hadn’t quite told them about the part where he punished himself every time he broke a rule of his. Or someone else’s rule.
Alec had rules for almost everything. It could be stuff like routines, or completely different things, such as not letting himself go to sleep until he was done with his work. About routines, it was stuff like, for example, folding his clothes in a specific way and putting them in the right place. He needed to do that, in order to stay calm and be able to sleep.
Aside from having his own rules for himself, he also had a few rules for his friends and boyfriend. He had talked about these rules with Magnus, his boyfriend, Isabelle, his sister and Jace, his parabatai ; the three most important people in the world to him.
There were only three simple rules, they had followed well and respected so far.
Rule number one: don’t touch me or my things without my permission.
Rule number two: don’t get my room dirty.
Rule number three: respect my time alone and my space.
The first one was very clear, he didn’t want people touching his stuff unless he gave them permission to do so. The thought of someone’s hands on his stuff made him feel way anxious. Someone touching him without him expecting it, or his permission always bothered him a lot.
The second one referred to people taking their shoes off before walking into his room, or Magnus’ apartment for that matter, because he had practically, unofficially moved in in his boyfriend’s apartment. That was the basic thing that rule implied.
This one time Jace had walked into Alec’s room, to use his parabatai’s shower, because his was broken, had ended up on Alec almost having a panic attack. Jace had just come back from a patrol, where they had found a demon nest, which meant walking out of there covered in demon ichor.
Alec had found his parabatai ’s clothes on the floor of his room, getting everything dirty with demon ichor. He would have had a panic attack right then and there, if Isabelle hadn’t found him, while Jace showered.
That was the only time one of his friends had broken one of his rules.
The third one was also very simple. If he needed to be left alone, they had to respect that. He needed his time to process things and his time alone was precious to him. He loved his boyfriend, his sister and his parabatai more than anyone in this world, but sometimes the thought of having to talk to people and be with them was exhausting.
His social battery needed to recharge very often and the third rule was basically about his friends respecting that. Alec was glad they did. None of them had ever broken one of those rules, so his frown simply got bigger when he opened his drawer and saw his stele gone.
Why was his stele not there? He would never put something in the wrong place and the right place for the stele was in his drawer, on top of his diary. His chest suddenly tightened. His diary wasn’t there either.
His diary was one of his most secret and valuable things. Nobody knew about that, not his boyfriend, not his sister, not his parabatai . Mortified was a word that couldn’t even begin to describe how he would feel if someone ever read what he had written in there.
Whenever he couldn’t sort his thoughts out, he grabbed a pen or a pencil, something he could use to write and tried to write out what he was thinking about. He would also write a lot about how he was feeling, how he had broken a rule and had punished himself.
The blue-eyed Shadowhunter couldn’t have anyone knowing about that; not even about the existence of his diary.
Alec was running out of breath, all of a sudden. Why was his diary not there? Where was it? And his stele? He dug his nails into the palm of his hands. His head was filled with thoughts, all of them yelling at him a lot of things he couldn’t quite sort out. They made his head hurt.
He bit his lip repeatedly, eventually drawing blood from his lip. He tried to focus, to try to at least make some of the thoughts stop making his head throb, in order to calm down and find a solution for what had happened.
The blue-eyed Shadowhunter felt the pain on his hands, because of his nails leaving marks of half moons on his palms, joining the other bruises and cuts there. He had just come back from training.
It hadn’t exactly just been training. Alec had made a mistake, during a patrol, accidentally letting his group walk into a demon nest they hadn’t been expecting. He had nearly gotten his entire group killed.
That meant he had broken one of the rules he had for himself, so since someone had gotten hurt in the field, someone Alec was responsible for, he had punished himself by overtraining until his hands had bled.
He had purposefully pounded the punching bag with his bare hands for a long while.
His knuckles were now bruised, some broken even; they were all bleeding, though. Alec needed his stele, to heal them. It was gone, how could it be gone? He never lost anything. Everything was always in the right place.
Without his stele anyone could see his hands and he didn’t want people to ask questions about them. Especially not his family. He couldn’t go to Magnus’ apartment with his fists like that. He needed his stele but why. Wasn’t. It. There?
The simple thought of his stele being in the wrong place made Alec’s insides churn. His skin crawled because of that thought.
Calm down , he told himself, forcing himself to keep his anxiety down. He needed to calm down, try to ignore the loud thoughts in his mind and try to think about a reasonable explanation for why his stele and diary were gone.
Perhaps Isabelle or Jace, or some other Shadowhunter, had needed a stele and they had taken his. That definitely made Alec feel worse, shivers running down his spine when his mind was filled with images of someone searching through his stuff, touching and getting everything dirty.
Alec tried to breathe properly, not wanting to work himself into a panic attack. He whimpered low, feeling tense and anxious. He took his phone and texted Isabelle, asking where she was.
It wasn’t until he took his phone, that he didn’t realize he had been scratching his arm bloody, while thinking about what to do, trying not to go crazy right then and there.
Alec changed his shirt, putting a long-sleeved one on and put his archer gloves on. He needed to find one of his friends. Maybe they had taken his stele and thought his diary was just a book. Why would they ever go through his stuff, though?
Nobody ever came into his room, only Isabelle, Jace or Magnus. And they all three knew better than to touch his things.
Alec made sure his bloody skin was covered with the sleeves and walked out of the room. He searched everywhere, in the Institute, for Isabelle or Jace but it was like the Institute was empty.
It was usually just the Lightwoods in there, a couple of Shadowhunters coming and leaving every now and then. There seemed to be nobody today, though.
The Shadowhunter searched everywhere a second time, but this time he only focused on finding his stele and diary, his two most precious objects. He found nothing and by the end of his search, he was close to tears.
He needed to calm down, his anxiety levels rising quickly by the second.
Alec mumbled to himself his boyfriend’s name, before taking off to the warlock’s apartment, walking at a faster pace than his usual one. He hated going to Magnus’ place every time he needed help, but his boyfriend had told him to go to him if he needed help; it didn’t matter when or what he needed help with.
Still, Alec always felt guilty and bad because he didn’t want Magnus to think he was just using him to make himself feel better.
The blue-eyed Shadowhunter arrived at Magnus’ apartment, quickly rushing upstairs. His skin was still crawling, his heartbeat fast. All he could think about now was someone having his stele somewhere, in the wrong place for his stele; or his diary.
He was on the verge of tears because of the sole thought of his feelings and thoughts being read by someone.
Magnus’ wards recognized him and let him in, Alec walking into his boyfriend’s apartment. He was about to call out for him, when he suddenly heard Isabelle’s voice.
What was his sister doing there? It seemed to come from the living room, her voice. Not just her voice, Alec noticed, a couple of seconds later while he took his shoes off. Magnus and Jace’s voices could be heard too.
Alec wasn’t one to eavesdrop but curiosity got the best out of him. Forgetting for a few seconds the reason why he had come, he walked closer to the living room, staying behind a wall. He couldn’t see his family, only hear them.
He felt utterly guilty for doing that. However, he wanted to know why Jace, Magnus and Isabelle were together, without him. Not that he cared much about what they did without him but the only direct connection between his siblings and his boyfriend was him, Alec.
He couldn’t think of a reason why they would meet.
“... —texted me. Less than ten minutes ago.” He heard Isabelle saying, “How can he have noticed it, already? I told you guys, he’s getting worse.”
There was silence for a couple of seconds.
“That doesn’t have to mean he’s worse, Isabelle.” Magnus spoke. “It’s his stele, of course he’ll notice. And his diary, Lilith, Jace, what were you thinking?”
Alec felt his heart skip a beat; not positively. If he had had any doubts they were talking about him, they were gone now. It wasn’t a coincidence that his stele and diary disappeared, his siblings were gone and when he found them they were in Magnus’ apartment, talking about a missing stele and diary.
How could they, though? They knew he hated it when people touched his things without his permission. No, they were talking about someone else. They wouldn’t do that, they had promised him they would not touch his things, they would respect his rules.
“I thought maybe we could figure out what’s going on with him.” Jace’s voice snapped Alec out of his thoughts. “You can’t tell me those rules aren't concerning…”
“Come on, Jace, they’re not that hard to follow. Three rules, we literally just broke all of them.” Magnus sighed, “You should really put the book back there. Besides, it’s Alec’s diary. It’s private. We shouldn’t read it.”
“Magnus is right, Jace. We shouldn’t have taken it. We just went to get his stele.”
“Too late for that. I read some of it —don’t interrupt me!— He has a serious problem! I didn’t read much but it was enough. Alec has these… Rules in his head and when he doesn’t follow them, he hurts himself as his punishment!”
“Jace, for Lilith’s sake! I already had my suspicions about that, that’s why we agreed on taking his stele! But not his damn diary, Jace, why on Earth would you read it without Alec’s permission? That’s a private thing and if you already know how Alec gets when people touch his things, how do you think he’s gonna feel if he finds out you read his diary?”
Alec looked down at his hands, his covered arms and wrapped them around himself. He felt a burning sting growing in his stomach. Why would they do that? His family had just admitted stealing his stele, Jace having read his diary.
Now his parabatai knew about his rules. They would all know about his rules, his punishments. They would know what a freak he was.
“We agreed,” Magnus started calmly, even if Alec noticed the anger behind his voice, “on taking just his stele because we know he’s been using it after overtraining. He’s harming himself and healing it, so that we don’t see it,”
“That is the only thing he should change. He can have as many rules and punishments, I guess, as he wants, but he needs to change the whole self-harming as a form of punishment. I think you should really put his diary back, we’ll only keep the stele. Then we talk to him about his self-harm, make him see how bad it is and try to find a way that also helps him but doesn’t involve getting hurt in any way.”
“And you, Jace, will tell Alec you’ve read his diary.” Isabelle added and that was the last thing Alec heard before Chairman Meow appeared. His boyfriend’s cat had noticed someone was hiding behind the wall.
Chairman jumped off Magnus and went to his owner’s boyfriend, meowing happily when he saw Alec looking down at him, panicking.
The blue-eyed Shadowhunter felt his chest tightening when Chairman meowed more, demanding Alec’s attention when Alec didn’t pet him or play with him.
“Chairman?” Magnus’ voice, now confused, was heard.
Alec heard steps and he couldn’t move, he was frozen. He couldn’t quite process what he had just heard. The feeling of betrayal and hurt was overwhelming him, making his breath hitch in his throat.
His gaze was locked in his arms, wrapped around his body, his thoughts going wild in his head.
It wasn’t until he looked and saw Magnus standing there, looking at him that he didn’t react. Alec felt his chest impossibly tighten. Jace and Isabelle suddenly appeared next to Magnus, finding Alec hidden behind the wall.
“Alexander, how long have you been standing here for?” Magnus asked, watching his boyfriend’s blue eyes nervously move around, looking anywhere but up at Magnus, Isabelle or Jace.
He needed to go.
“S—Sorry.” He managed to whisper, before quickly walking back to the door, his hands once more gripping his arms.
“Alec! We know we shouldn’t have done this, but-…”
Jace cut Isabelle off, stopping Alec on his tracks.
“You’re not doing good, man. We know you’re using your stele to hide it.”
Alec’s hands gripped the skin on his arms, one of which was already bloody, hidden under the long sleeve. He didn’t notice he had been biting his lip until it started bleeding. His gaze fell down to the floor, never moving from where he was standing.
Why would they do that? They had promised him they would respect those three rules. They had promised and yet, they had proven themselves not to be trustworthy. The three people in his life he loved and trusted the most.
Alec stepped back and walked out of the apartment after putting his shoes on quickly, trying to muffle the sob that escaped from his mouth.
Magnus stopped Isabelle when she tried to follow her brother, as he walked down the stairs to the exit of the building.
“I think he wants to be alone right now.” He muttered, knowing they had messed up really badly. “We did a great job at losing his trust for Lilith knows how long.”
—
Alec went back to the Institute. He didn’t intend on staying there for long, though. He went to his room and took a small bag he had stashed inside his closet. He also took a small notebook and a pencil case. Alec left the place, walking as fast as he could because he had never been good at holding back tears, to his safe place.
He went to a park, about ten minutes away from the Institute. He went to his usual spot, hidden with bushes and trees, and started marking everything around him with runes to keep himself hidden from anything and anyone. Not even someone tracking him with runes would find him.
Alec sat down on the grass and took out a blanket from the bag. He covered himself with it, finally allowing the tears to fall down his cheeks. Magnus had given him this blanket, after Alec had confessed he had always loved soft blankets but had never been allowed to have those at the Institute.
The Shadowhunter rocked himself, something he had always done whenever he hadn’t been feeling all too well. He had never known why, but it was somewhat comforting. He stayed like that for some minutes, crying in silence. This was his safe place to do whatever he wanted without anyone bothering him. If he didn’t have time to leave the Institute and he needed to be by himself, he sometimes locked himself up in his bathroom.
Alec eventually took his bag again and got out the notebook and the pencil case he had also taken. He went to the first blank page he saw and took out his black pen. He started writing what had happened that day and how he had punished himself for it. After that, he wrote about Jace, Isabelle and Magnus. He started crying more while writing that.
The betrayal he was feeling was something so intense he didn’t know how to handle it. It caused him to cry more and more. It was like he couldn’t stop. Alec covered himself with the blanket, burying his face on his knees.
Why would they do that? They knew rules were important to him. He had only asked them to follow three of them. Jace had said they were tiring, though. Were they? Had he been tiring? He sobbed low. He had never wanted to be a bother to anyone. He only wanted his rules to be followed, because the sole thought of not having them made his anxiety rocket.
He couldn’t help it.
Alec took his pen again and started writing his thoughts, trying to get it all out before it all became too much inside his head. Things only went downhill whenever that happened. He sniffled, sobbing as he wrote. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt emotions this intensely. It was truly overwhelming.
Alec gripped his pen, forcing himself to take deep breaths in and out, because he was well aware his anxiety was building up into a panic attack he couldn’t allow himself to have, because he knew how drained he always was after that.
Alec didn’t make it. He ended up having a panic attack, wrapped in his safe blanket, trying to write down what his thoughts were. It was one of the most intense ones he had ever had. Only thinking about Jace having read all his thoughts made him want to throw up.
Some time later, he was lying on the grass, sniffling and silently wondering if he would ever see his family again after they had read all that he needed to do every day in order to feel okay. His routines, his obsessions, his need to have things done the same way every day.
Alec fidgeted with his bracelet. It was the only reason why he wore one, because it was really useful for whenever he needed something to fidget with. He sniffled, sobbing softly. His arm hurt. His knuckles and his hands as well. He needed his stele, but they wouldn’t give it back to him because they knew he had been harming himself.
Alec hated himself for it. How had they found that out? He must have made a mistake. He must have not been as careful as he thought he had been. He hadn’t done it well. He had broken a rule: never let them know about the punishments.
Two broken rules in less than 12 hours.
Alec wanted to scream and punch the tree. He was crying hard. He couldn’t seem to do things right. He was such a failure. Simple rules he had to follow, yet he apparently couldn’t go one day without breaking one.
He spent some minutes a bit disconnected from his brain. It happened sometimes. His mind wandered off and it was like his body and his brain became two different entities. It was hard for him to come back to reality whenever that happened.
He needed a couple of hours to pull himself together, put his things in his bag and go back to the Institute. He came back but it was like he had never been gone. Things stayed the same. He dragged himself to his room, wishing he could crawl under the covers and disappear for the rest of his life.
He took his shoes off and placed them under his bed. He put his bag with his blanket and a couple of other things back inside his closet. Alec went to his bed and hid under the covers. He was absolutely wrecked. He had not been expecting such a thing to happen to him.
Alec had never meant to be like this. He didn’t need those rules for fun. He needed them to survive, because if he didn’t, his life would fall apart. It was hard enough to survive in a world without explicit rules for his day-to-day life, so he couldn’t have his family break the ones he had set for them.
Perhaps he really was too much. Jace had read his diary. And he had probably told Isabelle and Magnus about it after Alec had left. He sniffled, lying down on his bed after changing into his sleepwear.
It wasn’t nighttime yet, but he needed to sleep off the pain.
Speaking of which, his knuckles were deep purple by now. And they hurt, but Alec knew he deserved the pain. He had broken too many rules in such little time. He let out a small sob, feeling his hands tremble and a throbbing headache.
He should have hidden the diary better. Then, Jace wouldn’t have found it. He wouldn’t have read it and he wouldn’t have found out about Alec’s obsessive routines.
It wasn’t fair. He had set three — three — rules for them. And they had never complained once. If they hadn’t liked them, why hadn’t they said something? It wasn’t fair, how else could Alec have known they didn’t like his rules?
Alec saw his phone turn on and he saw it was almost eight in the evening. He didn’t bother checking the notifications. He didn’t want to see if his siblings and Magnus had texted or called him. He didn’t want to see them anymore. Never again.
He couldn’t trust anyone. Why had he in the first place? Because he loved them? Apparently, love wasn’t enough for them to stay away from his things.
With his hands covering his mouth when he started sobbing again, Alec sat up on the bed. He shook his head, almost in denial, and tried to draw a big breath in; he couldn’t allow himself to have two panic attacks in such a short span of time.
He stood up and started pacing, breathing fast. He glanced at the night stand where he had had his stele and diary hidden. Sudden frustration and rage hit him and he walked to it.
Throwing it to the floor, all of its contents fell out and it was then that Alec realized he had just moved too much, too suddenly.
He fell to the floor on his knees and sobbed desperately. He tried to retrieve his things and put them in place, mostly underwear, but his hands were shaking so much he could barely take anything.
When he saw that he couldn’t grab anything because of the anxiety and the pain that were causing his hands to shake like crazy, Alec sat back with his back against the side of the bed and pulled his knees up to his chest.
His rocking helped him get through the panic attack. With his head buried behind his knees, he cried and let it all out again, wishing he wouldn’t have found out about his family’s doing behind his back like that.
It wasn’t like he was really that bad. Not even his self-harming tendencies were bad enough to be worried about. Alec didn’t understand what he had done so wrong that they were so concerned about.
He didn’t understand.
Alec stayed in his room for the rest of the night, riding off small waves of panic and anxiety, until he couldn’t anymore. Dozing off because of the exhaustion coursing through him he fell asleep on the floor.