Archive of Our Own ^beta

Fearne liked collecting things.

Ever since she was little. She’d gather smooth pebbles from the lake and lay them all out in a line on her windowsill. She’d get twigs that looked interesting and arrange them in bundles in the garden by number of limbs and leaves.

Her grandmother told her that her father had collected coins at one point and showed her some of them in their little cases. Shiny and pristine. She’d liked shiny things after that. But also the idea of having something… perfect enough to capture.

Trinkets and moments and little dew drops were all she gathered as she got older. She didn’t keep her feet on the ground for long at a time. Must’ve been why she liked climbing. It was about being up in the air. Fighting the need for gravity. And she collected calluses and skills and tops and zones.

And most of all... people.

That sounded bad, she should clarify-

Fearne just liked holding them close to her heart. Making a little fortress of friends and familiars that could shield her, because… well…

The alternative to collecting was having nothing. Being lonely.

And Fearne had had plenty of time doing that.

************

The other thing she’d found… is if it felt safe she liked collecting things from her people. As they became close, she just liked knowing more about them. So seeing things from their past, having shiny little reminders of them, uncovering and collecting information… just as special.

“Oh wait! Can you give this back to Ashton?”

She handed over a toiletry bag with their initials on it to Laudna at Yios. Part of her tactic really, she liked returning things, but also someone else returning them made it more alluring. Brought the person back to her, usually in a playful confrontation.

“Yeah, sure, but why do you have this?” Laudna had asked.

“I find them interesting. I wanted to see some of their stuff.” Even the little things. What kind of brands of things did they like. Was their toothpaste kept immaculate? Or curled up on itself, refusing to believe it was empty.

Was there floss? What was their hygiene like? Ashton had had some on the go hair color to keep his purple. A razor, some prescriptions, some contacts. She wondered if they also had glasses. They’d probably look good on them.

“Fearne! We’ve talked about this.”

Laudna was right, they had. But-

It was an impulse to take. It was a choice to return. So she felt she still had the moral high ground on it.

************

When she had gotten a call from Ashton she’d been smiling, proud that they’d went through the effort to get her number.

“So… I’m missing some things. I was told if I am you’re usually a good person to check with.”

She frowned slightly.

“Well yes, to be fair I am the person that took the things you may be missing, but I tried to return them.”

“That so?” They asked, dry but entertained.

“It’s very so.” Fearne confirmed. “I found some of your things, but then I gave them to Laudna to give to you. Like an upright citizen.”

There was a hum on the other side of the line.

“Gotta call her then. Alright, bye-“

“Wait, is that… is that really the only reason you called?” She asked, maybe baiting a little but… she liked Ashton. She’d been growing to like them more and more. She supposed she was just wondering if they did too.

“It was.” The said gruffly but paused. “Find anything you like?”

She smiled at the game.

“Do you wear reading glasses?”

“Alright you’re gonna have to die, I can’t have word getting out.” He said, entertained, and Fearne chuckled.

“I promise your secret is safe with me. I just think they probably look really cute on you.”

“Nah, I look like a damn twat with them on.”

“Send me a pic?” She asked, flirting lightly. Ashton hummed on the other side, considering.

“You better burn it after.” They said, as she heard them shift to get up and assumedly find the glasses.

“I’ll set the whole phone on fire if you like.” Fearne said, biting her lip. She liked this part. Getting to know people… pushing and pulling and seeing how their energy mixed with her own.

“I bet you would.” Ashton chuckled.

************

So Fearne liked Ashton. They were fun. A certain toughness and casual understanding of things being different but okay that not many people seemed to carry.

Getting to know them was slow work but… fun.

Then one of Fearne’s favorite things happened, an unexpected.

This unexpected was named Fhil.

And it was funny what made her notice her in the first place, but it was how she took care of her teammates.

The way she stayed late at practice to talk with little Gwen about holds while they ate weird cashew yogurts. The way she stood up for Laudna when the press and crowds had been dicks. The way she had seemed to grow on Imogen like a moss, sort of how Fearne had first gotten close to her.

She wasn’t sure why, but she started seeing her as this open book. And those were often very fun to read because you could get to the end in record timing, and… find some juicy tidbits in the margins.

When she first asked her to the Opera it was really with the idea that it might make Imogen and Laudna more likely to say yes, and she’d wanted them all to be together.

She hadn’t expected…

Everything that came after. Not genuine care after a weekend of face time. Not intrigue and a dance and a bright little spark of a person.

But when she left that car in Vasselheim she’d known. She wanted to know more. And she’d be a woman of her word on the way there.

************

Byroden cup had been a quick Lead weekend, but Fearne had been pushing herself in the discipline for a good portion of the year. Honestly it was taxing at times to be spreading yourself between different disciplines. She’d make steps forward here, but then completely forget how to walk a slab or launch a wedge.

But Byroden had been her next opportunity to see Fhil since the last, and immediately she got those little fireflies in her chest when she did.

Backstage at one point they’d overlapped in a mostly quiet hall and Fhil had paused, gently taking her hand and Fearne couldn’t hide her smile when she turned to face her.

“So you didn’t forget about little old me?”

“Hardly could.” Fhil laughed immediately. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Fearne swayed a little like a schoolgirl with a crush. Maybe that’s what she was now. “Any plans for tonight?”

Fhil shook her head. “Any good opera’s in town?”

Fearne chuckled.

“I don’t think so, but how about instead I come by your room?”

“Sounds presumptuous.” Fhil chuckled.

“We can play cards again if you want.” Fearne said stepping back with a slight shrug. “Or maybe you’ll play with me?”

Fhil swallowed, eyes going wide, and Fearne chuckled into the back of her hand. How was someone so cute when they were also so naive?

“When should I expect you?”

“8:00?” Fearne said taking another step back toward the hall. “I’ll let myself in.”

Fhil cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t have a room key.”

And Fearne held the one up she’d just fished out of her pocket, saw her look down at where it had been retrieved from and chuckled.

“8:00 it is then.”

************

She opened the door at 8:00 on the dot. Being timely was an important skill to her. Had served her well over the years.

"Knock knock." She called and Fhil was coming out of the bathroom with a green and brown button up plaid and ripped jeans, drying her hair with hotel towel and smiling at her.

“Hey, sorry. Gave up on the hair dryer.” She smiled looking a little nervous, little excited, little like something Fearne could swallow in a single bite.

But she kept herself in check. Held up her friendship offerings instead and Fhil smiled.

“Shoot we doing a good old fashioned sleepover aren’t we?” She said, squinting at the items with a playful smirk.

“All the essentials.” Fearne confirmed. “Nail polish. Gossip mags. And kettle corn while we watch some kind of 90’s romcom.”

“You really thought this through.” Fhil’s smile lingered as she draped the towel on the back of a chair.

“I always do.” Fearne said. Though she thought if she examined that sentence too closely she would find it false.

“Where do we start?” Fhil smiled clapping her hands together.

20 minutes later they’d found Clueless on and propped up their feet on the coffee table they dragged to the edge of the bed.

Fearne had even brought the foamy toe things to hold their toes up as they sat beside each other, shoulders practically touching, and painted each other’s toenails.

It was tough, having to lean across each other to get to a toe, but they were laughing and taking turns and admiring their work in between it all.

“Gotta admit, I think you are getting the worse deal out of this.” Fhil said, shaking her head as she smeared another bit of royal red across the toe itself and not the nail. “I forgot this was so messy.”

“Well that’s why they invented polish remover. And I brought plenty of q-tips.”

“So I could clean up my work?” Fhil said, tongue poking between her lips in focus.

“Precisely.” Fearne smirked. “Do you like your color?”

“It’s very… spring.” Fhil said, turning her gaze to the lilac color in her toes with amusement.

“I think it suits you.” Fearne insisted and Fhil just smiled. “Really. I spent a lot of time picking out the right color.”

“And I picked the red for you because you told me too.” Fhil said with a smirk, bumping her elbow lightly.

“I may have strongly suggested.” Fearne acquiesced.

“It looks good.” Fhil nodded, admiring her work. “The color at least, not the craftsmanship on my part.”

“Q-tips solve many sins, worry not.”

Another 20 minutes later they were laying beside each other, flipped. Fhil’s face by Fearne’s feet at the base of the bed as she rubbed nail polish remover on the painted edges while Fearne leaned back against the pillows asking her questions from an old Cosmo magazine.

“Alright, ideal place for a vacation. Is it Beach, Mountains, Road Trip, or Somewhere International?”

“Mountains.” Fhil nodded and she saw her circle something with her red pen.

“Which of these words best describes you? Classic, Reliable, Dignified, Carefree.”

“Carefree I guess.”

“Really?”

“Well depends on how you want to define it. Is it how other people define me? They’d say Carefree. They don’t know I secretly care a lot.”

“I think you’re pretty reliable. I think I’m pretty carefree.” Fearne said, chewing on the end of the pen.

“That’s funny, I’d have picked reliable for you too.” Fhil said, pausing and catching her eye.

Fearne smiled, and reached over and poked her pen into the bottom of Fhil’s foot.

“You’re sweet. Alright, final one, Ideal first date. Ah yes, the classic. Would you pick, Coffee Shop, Club, Dinner, or Movie?”

“Coffee Shop.” Fhil confirmed.

“Such a cliche.” Fearne chuckled and Fhil was laughing now too.

“I like coffee. I like shops. I like daylight and getting to know people. Clubs are too loud for a first date, movies I’m going to want to talk the whole time, and dinner is just a lot fancier. Let’s do Coffee and see where it goes.”

“Are you asking me?” Fearne couldn’t help but ask, looking down at the girl by her feet smiling up at her.

“Maybe… depends. What’re my results?”

“According to these answers and this codex from a 1998 issue of Cosmo, the animal that truly exemplifies your sexual style, is… a Sea Turtle.”

Fhil started shaking laughing and Fearne liked the sound of it. Like silver bells harmonizing.

“Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing?”

“You’re a fast learner when it comes to reading your partners cues, and slow and steady most certainly wins the race. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t just go with the flow, you make the waves happen. Some people think you have a hard shell, but that is simply your way of exploring the deepest depths of your pleasure.”

Fhil was looking back at her with more of a raised eyebrow now. Something still entertained but searching.

“So… not bad?”

And she got those little embers again. Damn, she was good at giving them to her.

“Not bad. I especially like the ’slow and steady wins the race.’ It’s certainly my personal philosophy.”

“I mean… going fast has its place… but not if you want to savor it.” Fhil countered, laying her head across Fearne’s legs and smiling back up at her.

There was a loaded silence and Fearne let it play. Didn’t think of her usual tricks, or usual ways of trying to fill the sounds or redirect them. Just let it simmer like a stew. Made the meat more tender and delicious… added flavor to the broth… seasoned her life.

“This is nice.” Fhil said lightly and Fearne smiled back.

“It is. Thanks for having me over.”

“Technically you broke in.” Fhil joked.

“Technically is like my least favorite word.”

“Really? Mines probably porridge.”

Fearne started laughing and Fhil followed shaking her head.

“That’s a very specific choice Fhil.”

“It is, it is. What is it most people hate? Moist? That doesn’t bother me, but porridge? What a sad sounding word. And it’s a shame cause it’s a pretty slamming breakfast.”

When Cluless had ended they found reruns of All My Children playing and watched them long into the night, until they were fighting to keep their eyes open from where they lay a-top the covers.

“So… you gonna kiss me you little Sea Turtle?” Fearne couldn’t help but ask, thinking it would be the perfect cap on a perfect night. Fhil smiled back at her, reaching over and running a hand along her cheek.

“Was thinking about it.” Fhil said. “Worried it can’t be just one kiss with you.”

“What you don’t trust me?” Fearne said, mockingly offended but Fhil shook her head.

“Don’t trust me.” She clarified. “You kind of override a lot of my sensors.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing.” Fearne said, shifting a little closer, and watching those gold eyes light up for her. Fhil seemed to consider for a moment, then shifted to pull the sheet up over them. She leaned back in and kissed her cheek and smiled warmly.

“Maybe…”

Then she pulled away to lean back over her shoulder and flick off the lamp. Only the glow of the TV and the laugh track from the 80’s could be heard.

Fearne didn’t have time to breathe out her disappointment before Fhil was leaning back over in a burst and pulling her into a kiss. Warm hand on her cheek, warm breath against her lips, warm mouth touching to her own…

She knew she gasped into it, but couldn’t fight the surprise and excitement shooting out of her like a little canon.

Fhil pulled back and Fearne had to bite her tongue not to chase after her. She didn’t go far, slotting their noses and keeping the touch of skin.

“Well well, look at you making those waves happen.” Fearne said, low and breathy, and perfectly pleased as those golden eyes were the last thing she saw before falling asleep.

************

In the morning Fhil had woken to a text from Chetney and hurried around the room getting ready, pulling off her slept in shirt and looking for socks.

“I’m sorry I have to go… do you want to be here when I get back?” She asked as she tossed on a white polo with a little emblem.

“Do you want me to be?” Fearne asked, trying to be coy even though her answer was probably easily known to the both of them.

“Yeah. Figure I can take you to breakfast somewhere? Maybe… a coffee shop?”

“Fhil Feist, are you asking me on a first date?” Fearne put a hand to her collar and smiled, playing the part. She always felt a little like that’s what she was doing.

“Well no, this would be our second date.” Fhil said, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling on her socks. “And I don’t know when you have to leave but… If you’re here… it’s where I want to be.”

Fearne toned down her bedroom eyes to something fonder. Living room eyes maybe. A space to kick off your shoes and stay awhile, but a place that also had a love seat if the occasion arose…

“I’ll stay.” Fearne said. “I can even pack your bag for you while you’re gone.”

Fhil glanced at the semi-chaos it was in and through a knowing look back at her.

“You’re going to rummage aren’t you?” Fearne put her hands out to the side non-chalantly.

“Listen I just like to know things about you. Like, the Reign? What’s that all about?” She pointed at the little embroidered logo on Fhil’s shirt. Fhil smiled.

“It’s a women’s wheelchair basketball team. My sister Alice plays for them.”

“I always wanted siblings.” Fearne found herself saying. Hmm… that wasn’t really a part to play, that was just… a slip. Something deeper than she normally shared.

Fhil leaned across the bed and kissed her nose, pulling her back to the moment.

“They can be pretty great. Think my brothers are coming to Zephrah. Maybe you’ll get to meet em…” She paused, then hastily added. “If you’d want to.”

And Fearne smiled, nodding and leaning back in to place a kiss at the corner of her lip.

“Yeah. I would. Now go make your meeting so I can search through your things.”

Fhil chuckled and waved, heading out the door with a wave.

Which brought her to her bag. She checked the clothes as she folded them. Two band tees for some artists she’d never heard of. Her uniform. Tiny bags of peanuts from the airplane. A stock of complimentary snacks it would seem. In the front zip-up pocket there was a folded piece of construction paper and a stick figure version of her with scribbled red over her head and yellow circles for eyes. She was climbing up a mountain with a bight pink rope and there was a sun in the corner. Classic.

Auntie Fhil is the bravest was written with backwards e’s in faded green crayon.

She smiled, running a thumb over the drawing, then sliding it back in its spot.

Another little moment for her collection.

************

“I think I figured it out.” Fearne said when they were sipping coffee after her meeting. Fhil gave her that look that said, ‘you have my attention.’

“I think I’ve figured out how not to hurt you…” She continued, leaning a little closer and sliding out a napkin she’d been working on when Fhil’d run to the restroom.

She took it and studied the notes she’d written on one side.

“So to recap. Those three points… are why you think we should have sex?” Fhil asked, a bemused smile on her face as she stirred the spoon in her latte.

“Yup. Pretty well thought out.”

“I like how you wrote them on a napkin.” Fhil agreed, sliding it over to look again. “Point 1, you want to. Point 2, you believe I want to. Point 3, it would be hot.”

Fearne bit her lip. “I like point 3 best.”

Fhil chuckled again at this unique way of being propositioned.

“However,” Fearne added. “All three points have to be met. Like Point 2 for instance…” She tapped her finger.

“I have to want to.” Fhil agreed, sipping her coffee.

“Correct. And if you really don’t… I promise, I’ll stop bringing it up.” Fearne said smiling softer now. “Honest, we’ll never talk about it again.”

Fhil tapped on the rim of her cup, leaning back in her seat.

“But I can keep the napkin either way?”

“Consider it your coupon.” Fearne said, flipping it over to show the other side where she’d written Admit One. “To be redeemed at a later date. See I think I figured it out. When you’re ready you can cash this in, and we’ll only do it the one time, then I can’t possibly abandon you the way they did.”

Fhil’s eyebrows went up in surprise and Fearne winced. Maybe that was too direct.

“Sorry if that was a little… harsh.”

“No, no, it’s uh… not wrong. I guess it’s a little pathetic how I carry their torches.”

“It’s not pathetic.” Fearne said, reaching across quickly and putting a hand on hers. “It’s not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just… I don’t want to be someone you have to explain to the next person.”

Fhil nodded, picking up the napkin again, folding it delicately, and sliding into her pocket.

“Guess I better read up then.”

************

Zephrah, the final competition of the season and the final chance to win a Krevaris ticket. She felt good about her odds, and was watching her phone like crazy after the finals had gone. She was kind of hoping she’d get the little ding. The little heads up that someone had seen it. Someone had made the time for her. Someone was thinking of her…

And then her phone buzzed and she looked to see the text from her mom.

Hi Fearnie. Caught the end of your climb! You looked great sweetheart ❤️ We’re so proud! Can’t wait for the next one.

She took a deep breath and cradled the phone to her chest. Treasuring the little interaction. Sure, Birdie hadn’t remember that this was the last climb of the year, that was fine. She’d sent the message, that was all that mattered.

The afterparty was pretty great. They had some posh bar reserved for all the climbers and staff, and she made her way to the bartender after greeting the people she knew at the front few tables. When a tall man with long dark hair ponied up beside her stool and started flirting unabashedly she chuckled, not turning it down just yet.

He seemed interesting. Said he was a painter of some kind. Decent jaw. Not bad to look at. The kind of person she’d maybe want to collect if she wasn’t looking for her other people. He got up to excuse himself to take a call, and she turned, not really worrying if he’d come back when she saw Fhil across the bar with a single beer stein in her hand. Their eyes met and she smiled, waving, and wiggling a finger to summon her closer.

She walked over and greeted Fearne with a big hug, and Fearne liked these. They somehow surrounded her whole body.

“There you are, I’ve been looking for you all night.” Fearne said with a big grin. “Look at you, future Olympian.”

“Yeah… I kind of can’t believe it. You too right? I heard they confirmed your spot.”

“Well to be fair, I’ve been to one before, but yes… very excited to be asked back.”

Fhil chuckled, looking at her with those little embers again and Fearne had to bite her lip to be good.

They caught up for a moment, but she could tell Fhil had something in mind. Her eyes were… lingering. Which was a nice feeling.

“Oh, excuse me. I brought this for you. Wasn’t aware we would be expecting others.” The man from before did return. Fearne had completely forgotten about him.

He fixed Fhil with a curious look, probably trying to assess if she was a threat to his evening plans.

“Oh thank you! Actually, could you give us a minute and I’ll come find you in just a bit?”

The man’s eyes trailed from Fearne to Fhil back to Fearne and eventually he gave a nod. “Sure. Don’t make me wait too long gorgeous.”

And he wandered off.

“Sorry about that, you were saying?” Fearne offered.

“Do you uh, need to catch up with your new friend?” Fhil’s eyes followed the man.

“No, I’ve got a friend right here that I’m talking to.”

Fhil smiled a little fonder, and she reached into her coat pocket.

“Well… as your friend, I wanted to invite you back to my room tonight.”

Fearne’s eyes flickered in flame for a moment, embers catching.

“Is that right? Are you, Fhil Feist, propositioning me?”

“Odd how the tables have turned, hmm?” Fhil said softly, pulling out the napkin in her pocket and sliding over the side that said Admit One. “I thought about it… think I’m ready.”

“Shit.” Fearne said, unable to hide her excitement. “Let me get my coat.”

She set the new drink down, completely untouched.

“Do you need to uh, tell anyone?”

“I’ll take care of it.” Fearne said quickly, running off to tell the man from before that something had come up.

“Wh- well can I get your number?” He asked.

“Hmm… maybe next time. Or better yet, if you see my friend with the red hair ask her for it.”

She grabbed her jacket and turned quick, back to the friend she’d been thinking about an awful lot lately.

“You sure you want to cash it in?”

“Yeah… I’m sure.” Fhil said, looking her over and smiling a little shyly.

Fearne took her hand and lead her outside. “Can we go to my place instead?”

She had agreed with little fanfare, which was nice because Orym had helped her set up a little place here for the summer. It was nice having a home that was hers. She’d had a little bookshelf she was probably never going to read anything off of and a landline she’d set up just cause she could. Easier than going back and forth to the Fey all season.

They’d entered in, Fhil still playing gentleman and looking around the space with a little smile, nodding at the accents Fearne pointed out. The fake birds she’d named in the paintings and the stuffed ones and few carved of wood.

She got to the kitchen and paused, turning and leaning her hands against Fhil’s chest.

“Mind if I freshen up?” She asked as sultry as she could. Fhil put both hands around her hips and smiled, leaning in and placing a slow kiss on her lips.

“Whatever you like.” Fhil said lightly and Fearne had to fight the instinct to dance in place.

“Be back in 5.” She said quick, leaning in and kissing her cheek.

She skipped to her room, stripped down to nothing and threw on a green sheer robe, fluffed her hair and checked the mirror, smiling at what she saw. She winked at her reflection, dabbed some rose water on her neck and at her wrists, then walked back all slow to the kitchen.

“Hi.” She said trying for some smolder. “Sorry if I kept you waiting.”

Fhil was sitting on the edge of the counter, smiling at her, kicking her feet idly. “You don’t like waiting do you?”

“I can wait for certain things… when they’re worth it.” Fearne started coming closer, sliding down the lights. “Like a cake to bake in the oven. Or a sun to set. And for certain hotties to get in a good headspace before sharing my bed.”

Fhil popped down from her spot and came closer, putting her hands back around Fearne’s hips and letting her eyes trail over her revealing little outfit.

“Thanks for that…” She slid one hand up around her back and Fearne got shivers. She cupped her hand against her neck, walking her fingers along the collar of her robe.

Fearne leaned closer into her arms and Fhil kissed her neck slow. Once… twice… she sighed against her skin and Fearne was at maximum capacity for excitement. She needed her hands on her. She needed her touch. Her kiss. Her body close.

Fhil didn’t make her wait much longer. She reached up with her other hand, moving her kisses down to Fearne’s chest, and slowly parting the sheer material, and letting it slide off her shoulders into a beautiful little puddle.

Fearne gasped and smiled wide as Fhil leaned back and looked her over, admiration and care radiating out of her eyes.

She put her arms up around Fhil’s shoulders and gave her a slight challenging look.

“Like what you see?” She asked in a low, quivering voice.

Fhil nodded. “Always.”

And leaned in to kiss her slow. Passionately. Not a game, not shy, not a jump, but a celebration. She saw why people did this. Why they got to know someone before this moment.

The phone started ringing and broke them apart out of surprise and they chuckled a moment, but Fearne shook her head and pulled her back. Fhil’s fingers came up to cradle her jaw and tilted her into her kiss. Fearne let her guide, enjoyed the way she handled her.

The machine kicked in and a voice she’d never heard came over.

“Good day, I hope I am catching the residence of Fearne Calloway-Zathuda.”

She pulled back from Fhil, not having expected to hear her father’s last name. The one she cut off from her own a long time ago.

“I’m sorry to call with such somber news, but your father passed away today. We’ve been trying to contact his heirs to settle the estate. When you get this message if you could give us a call back that would be greatly appreciated. We’re so sorry for your loss.”

And then the machine beeped and Fearne was just staring.

Far off.

Gone.

Her dad… had died?

...

Neither of her parents would have won an award, but he was… gone now? That thread was forever left to be unsalvaged.

“Oh Fearnie…” Fhil’s voice came out soft and caring, and Fearne had completely forgotten where she was or who she was with. When she looked back at Fhil she felt the tears building in her eyes and Fhil had bent quick to grab her robe and rewrap her in it, cradling her into her chest.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” Fhil said gentle, and Fearne gripped onto the ends of her jacket.

“He’s… gone?” Her voice reminded her of being a child. Of being small and afraid. Of echoing to an unheard audience.

“Sounds like it.” Fhil said, adjusting her arms to hold her more protectively. “I’m so sorry.”

And she let herself collapse into her and cry.

************

Her dad had been a wealthy man, from what she understood. Her mother had run away with her when she was pretty young and thrown herself into her non-profit with Ollie, Fearne’s step-father.

When she’d asked her about it she’d gotten cagey, usually stated simply that she didn’t like who she was with him. And Fearne hadn’t gotten much more explanation.

It’d taken a long time for her to even learn his first name, only his last because it was still hyphenated on the back of her birth certificate.

But now Athion Zathuda was dead. And he left behind a daughter that inherited his old strange house that needed to be cleaned out.

She had a lot of legal shit she had to figure out now for what would become of all that was his. But she had a part of her that really… really wanted to be the one to clean it out.

Her mother had told her she absolutely did not have to be the one to go. As had her friends.

But she was going.

She may never understand her father… he was gone.

But his stuff was there. The remaining gubbins of his life was still hanging around. And she could go through them. Maybe…

Maybe understand him in this other way.

A few friends offered to help join her for the weekend she was going there. Imogen and Laudna had wanted to come, but they were in the midst of moving Imogen between continents so she told them they really didn’t have to come.

Orym and Fy’ra and Ashton were there day one, and she couldn’t have been more thankful. Because as much as she wanted to do this, doing it alone was a little intimidating.

Fhil and Dorian were set to arrive the second day and help her through the weekend, and she really… wasn’t sure what to start with when she got there.

The property was large. There was a gate to enter through, and large imposing windows. Dark Cobblestone exterior and gothic style decor.

The house was… a mess. Somehow a refined mess. Like stacks of books in random places. Papers left about. A grandfather clock that had chips and dents. Fearne was instantly captivated.

Orym, bless his heart, took the lead and started organizing the trucks as they arrived, coming to take away trash and donation, and she wandered more than helped for the first few hours. 

She checked the kitchen, found it with mostly single sets of things. Dishes. Cups. Silverware. Nothing that said he hosted.

The pantry was stocked but of just the most basics.

Everything looked like it was out of a designer catalog and nothing looked personal. No cups from random trips with local sayings. No magnets on the fridge. No dish towels that weren’t solid colors.

She checked the bedroom. It looked relatively unlived in.

Piles of laundry folded but not put away. Basic furniture. Bed made.

She kept looking until she found an office. And this… looked like where he had actually lived.

This was Willy Wonka’s factory in a weird macabre sense.

This was where his essence was.

There were papers stacked and skewed. There were lists she found, grocery and to-do and little doodles of dogs and cars in the margins of the papers. There were walls of books. Built in shelves of thick dark brown wood. Covered in books. Gardening books. Rare plants encyclopedias. Financial books. Books written by politicians. Books written by historical figures. Books about meditation. Books about boats.

So many books she wondered if he’d ever read them all.

There was a little ladder in the corner, to slide around the shelves. Stairs that lead to a small connected room. Maybe a bathroom. A furnished sitting area.

She felt like a forensic detective scouring through the place.

And if left to her own devices she’d probably turn it inside out and upside down to try and try to get a glimpse of understanding.

“Damn, this place looks like it belongs to a douche.” Came a familiar grizzled voice.

Fearne turned to see Ashton coming in, wearing a hoodie with the sleeves cut off and blue disposable gloves.

“It might. Haven’t decided yet.” Fearne said, crossing her arms and surveying it again.

“I have.” Ashton answered. “In like 2 seconds.”

“Oh so just like that?” She shot him a look. “You know him from a 2 second glance?”

“I knew all I needed to before I ever walked in the house.” He shrugged with his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. “Namely… he left you. So he’s a fucking asshole. Who cares what’s on his fucking shelf?”

Fearne’s eyes tilted down. She had cared.

She was going to tell them as much when a low, grumbly, sad sound came from the adjacent room. They shared a look and ran over to the door to see of all things-

An Iguana. Caged in a pet carrier.

“Oh look at you.” Fearne whispered and bent down toward the creature that was curled in a little fedal position. Like all the energy had been sapped from him. She wondered how long he’d been here without food or drink.

Ashton opened the cage without much thought and looked around to find a sink and water bowl, refilling it and setting it down for them.

They eyed it momentarily then looked back at Fearne.

“Come on, it’s okay.” She encouraged and he lifted his head long enough for them to slide the bowl closer and took a few tentative sips. “That’s a good boy.”

She reached in slow and gave a few skritches behind the neck and looked around the room.

“What do they eat?”

“Leafy greens according to this app.” Ashton said, looking at their phone, then looking around the room. “Here we go.”

They stared opening some cabinets on the wall and finding a few things. Pellets and slightly wilted spinach and putting it all in another little bowl for him.

Fearne placed it in the cage and gave a few more encouraging scratches and praise, and the lizard finally shifted enough to eat.

She sighed in relief and smiled at Ashton who was smiling too.

“Close call… Gloamgut?” They looked at the side of the cage. “Is that a name or a brand?”

“It’s his name.” Fearne decided, petting the top of his head as he excitedly started to eat. “Now don’t go making yourself sick, alright? Little bites. Easy does it. We gotta rebuild your strength.”

And the Iguana, she swore, looked her in the eye. Into her very soul. And understood.

She chuckled, leaning back out of the cage and leaving the door open.

Ashton squatted down with a groan and held his hand out for the little guy to sniff. He nipped with no real force and the two of them chuckled lightly.

They sat with it a little bit, long enough for the light in the window to change. And Fearne smiled at her… sibling? At her dad’s pet? She wasn’t sure what he was but there was a kinship there that she was happy to have.

Her and Ashton eventually left him with the cage unlocked and the door closed for now while they would be still moving things around. But he had recovered a lot of strength and seemed so alive Fearne couldn’t wait to get him out of here.

“Thank you.” She said when they’d walked back out to the main office. “For that.”

Ashton nodded.

“Don’t sweat it.” Their hand traced over one of the shelves and they shook their head. “We should trash this place.”

“What?” Fearne asked, looking at them surprised. “Why would we do that?”

“As a nice little fuck you to the old man.”

“I don’t want to do that though.” Fearne said shaking her head. She wanted to rummage not destroy.

“No? Not even a little?” They challenged ever so slightly.

“No. Besides, then we have to clean it all up. Well then, someone, probably Orym, has to clean it all up.”

Ashton shrugged.

“But you’ll feel better. Get some of the weight off your chest.”

“Why would that make me feel better?”

“Listen anger is a real thing and we suppress it on the daily. And this one I think you’ve been suppressing for a long time.”

“It’s not… it’s not anger.” Fearne said, walking over by the desk and leaning her back against its edge. “I mean yeah, some of it is. But not most of it… most of it’s just… wondering.”

They came closer, hands in their hoodie pocket again.

She sighed and turned around.

“Wouldn’t you want to know where you came from?” She asked, looking down at his desk and all the things that had mattered enough to keep close. Some fancy ass pen propped up in a wooden holder. A stapler. A glass bottle with a small model of a naval ship. “Wouldn’t you want to know what made you if you didn’t? Who made you? What they’re like and what… you might have gotten from them?”

Good or bad.

“I lost my parents really young, and I don’t know if I really will ever understand why.” Ashton said, getting surprisingly soft in their tone. “They made decisions and I have to live with them. They don’t. They’re fucking dead. But everything I have… is mine. Everything you are and have done, whether mistakes and or triumphs and all the in betweens, they’re yours. Don’t let some dead asshole take it from you.”

And then Fearne just… wanted to feel like not the girl that was left by her parents. She wanted to feel different.

She turned and looked at Ashton and leaned in to kiss them. And they were not gentle nor neat nor rude nor crass. They were somewhere in between. Rough like sandpaper, a force like a big old tree you could make a fort in. And it made her mind go blessedly blank.

They lifted her up onto the desk, knocking all the other things off and Fearne pulled them down on top of her.

************

She blinked awake as morning light came in through the blinds.

She was curled on the floor of her dad’s office, a sheet they’d found from the closet wrapped around her and all the pillows pulled off of the couch. She hummed to herself, looking at Ashton sleep. They seemed tense and relaxed at the same time. It was quite a sight. She pushed up to sitting, thought about leaning over and kissing their forehead. But she remembered they weren’t really soft. That wasn’t their dynamic. That was more her thing with Fhil…

As if summoning her, her phone blinked.

Morning you, pulling up now. Hope I’m at the right creepy gothic mansion? Got the truck

Fearne smiled and sleepily stretched her arms, before winding the sheet around her waist and heading out in her tank top and underwear to the front door.

She watched the large rental truck back in with Fhil’s arm and neck sticking out of the window, looking over her shoulder as to not hit the garden box. When she parked she waved and Fearne waved back.

The door swung open and Fhil hopped down, looking rather handsome in her cleaning gear.

She walked up the little entry path and gave her an odd little smile like she wasn’t sure if she stepped in something sour. “Uh… hi. Have fun last night?”

Fearne looked at her sleep tousled hair and sheet doubling as a skirt and chuckled.

“Yeah. Wish you could’ve been there.”

“Right… why wasn’t I?” Fhil asked sounding uncertain, and like that sour thing had spoiled but she was trying to pretend it didn’t smell.

And then it hit Fearne that her and Fhil had never really… had this talk. Had never really decided what they were to each other and that she… took a very big leap simply doing whatever the fuck she wanted with whomever the fuck she wanted and not considering how that might look…

How that might hurt her… or derail what they’d built.

“Oh…” she furrowed her brow and felt like she’d shattered something very precious. “I think I really screwed up Fhil…”

Fhil’s demeanor softened instantly, and she put a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey hey, come here.” She guided her to sit down at the foyer steps. “Look… I don’t need all the details but whatever it was, it’s alright. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

“I told Laudna I wouldn’t hurt you.” Fearne said miserably into her hand. “I was so sure… but then I just-“

“Fearne put the pitchfork down.” Fhil said softly, drawing small circles on her back. Fearne leaned into her touch almost greedily.

“You’re not… you’re not upset?”

“No Fearne.” She said softly. “I’m not upset. I think… confused might be a word for it? For what we are trying to be to each other but… it’s alright. We’ll figure it out.”

She kissed the top of Fearne’s head. Fearne wrapped her arms around her waist and held her like she’d run if she didn’t.

“Don’t go beating yourself up. You’re allowed to seek comfort however you need to with whoever you need to.”

And her voice was still warm and her eyes were still true. And… she was still here.

“And…” Fhil’s eyes darted away a moment, like she was trailing a dragonfly, before coming back with a different kind of energy. “I don’t want to be with you just cause you need somebody… I want to be with you when you need… me.”

Fearne swallowed, feeling partially ashamed and mostly awed.

“You’re sure you don’t mind? I can give so many more apologies if this changes us.”

Fhil shook her head.

“Doesn’t change how I feel about you at the end of the day.” Fhil shrugged. “I cashed in my napkin anyway, so sex is off the table. But… I got there again. Mentally. Over that ledge I’d been so hesitant of.”

She smiled at her hands and nodded.

“So thanks for that. And I know you don’t want to be ‘another name I carry,’ I get that… but you’re still someone I care for. Unconditionally.”

That last part…

“How do you mean?” Fearne said, furrowing her brow.

“Just what I said.” Fhil tilted her eyes toward her, waiting and Fearne shook her head with a wry smile.

“There’s no such thing as unconditional love. I don’t think.” Everything was conditional. Everyone had conditions. Everything had to be earned. Every amount of attention and gratification and care that you got could be here one moment, gone the next. From parents and friends and flings alike.

Fhil scooted a little closer.

“I mean it.” She said gently.

Fearne looked away now, feeling embarrassed.

“Yeah? So you’re telling me if I went up and slapped your face, or stole your money, of kidnapped your family that wouldn’t change the conditions?”

Fhil chuckled. “I’m telling you I think I trust you enough to know you’d never do those things. Well, maybe the first, but I trust I’d really deserve it if you did.”

And Fearne felt the tears build at the corners of her eyes. She’d never had this… feeling. She curled into her side and Fhil held her while she grappled with this level of acceptance. It was new… dangerous… exciting and terrifying. To feel like she had someone she could let down, but was insisting she couldn’t.

“Fhil…” she said, voice croaking a bit, and clearing her throat to continue. “I think I changed my mind.”

Those golden eyes were looking at her again. Endlessly patient.

“I think… I’d want anyone after me to know… I’d want to have mattered to you the way they did.”

Fhil smiled the smallest of lines… a beautiful little arc.

“Think there was a good chance they were going to.” She leaned in and kissed Fearne’s forehead, and they sat together for a few moments, watching the world go by.

“You know… we technically didn’t use the coupon. We were interrupted.” Fearne said, playfully trying to gauge their silence.

“I figured it was null void.” Fhil shrugged.

“I think we both know you wouldn’t need a coupon… the next time you wanted me.” She said, chancing a look up at her, and placing the gentlest kiss at the base of her neck over one of the many lines of her tattoo.

“Breaking your own rules, hmm?”

“Course. Why else have them?”

************

Getting ready for the Olympics is no small thing, but as it turns out neither is settling your late absent father’s affairs.

She brought Gloamgut home to meet Nana. And they were fast friends, just like Fearne thought they’d be.

That was the only good thing that came of it all. Everything else was very tiresome.

After clearing the house so it could be repossessed or sold or whatever was going to happen she was asked to sign some things in person, which brought her to Emon again.

 And if she was going to be in Emon there was someone she wanted to see… unconditionally.

The thing was, she was out of town. Her sister was having her third kid, and her and the family were all gathered together for it. So cute. Fhil really was big on family, which maybe Fearne appreciated because she didn’t have much.

So they were going to miss like ships in the night. They’d been texting. Song reccs and inside jokes and ‘hey’s and selfies, as if they’d forget what the other looked like.

And then in a turn, Fhil was coming home early. Evidently her flight for the next day had been canceled, so they’d shuttled her onto one the day before and she was being ferried on a very nonsensical line from the maps Fearne had seen.

But this meant… she’d be home tonight. Late. Extremely late. The kind of borderline late that wasn’t today or tomorrow, and Fearne decided that if it was for 10 minutes or an hour or if they didn’t sleep at all…

That was where she wanted to be.

Getting into the apartment wasn’t hard. She had her ways. And the space was small but… very Fhil. Every area seemed to pull double duty. There was a pull up bar in the entryway to the kitchen with a small chalkboard and tally marks. 14 from what she saw with a little smiley face and a butt.

The plants all seemed fake but most of them were also wearing hats, which wow, how had Fearne not thought of that sooner?

The ironing board that unfolded from the wall was being used as a desk. There was an actual record player which felt very classic. She spent 15 minutes figuring out how to turn the thing on and put in an Of Mice and Men album, letting it fill the room with soft music, and feeling incredibly proud of herself when it worked.

She propped herself up on the kitchen island with a photo album she found in a drawer and was far too excited to flip through it. Cataloguing every sibling and guessing who was who from the stories she’d heard. She saw a young Fhil missing her two front teeth. Saw an awed Fhil holding a snake at the zoo. Saw a Fhil playing street hockey with pads way too big. And saw who she immediately realized must be Margot.

She paused over the first picture with this young brunette entering the frame, and saw it… even then… Fhil was absolutely smitten with her. The way she looked at her in every picture… like the camera wasn’t even there.

And Fearne smiled, because how could you not?

That level of unabashed love? Addicting.

The front door jingled and Fearne looked up, realizing someone was coming in, and they were suddenly hearing music playing in their apartment and seeing lights already on. She set the book down behind her and dangled a leg off the end of the island.

“Hello?” Fhil’s voice called.

“Welcome home.” Fearne called out. And Fhil’s steps came more intentionally down the hall.

“Fearne?” She called, sounding confused, and pausing when she walked into the kitchen to stare at her.

To be fair, Fearne had put on another sheer night robe. Different one this time. A sky blue with little stars.

“Surprise.” She smiled, watching Fhil take in the sight of her. She was wearing a hoodie and sweats and she looked absolutely exhausted, but a smile broke out across her lips. Not something hungry or perverted or desiring. Just something so… happy.

And Fhil crossed the kitchen in a swift movement to wrap a hand around the base of her neck and pull her into a kiss.

Fearne hummed happily, feeling her little embers kick in. Fhil chuckled against her lips and she did too, pulling back and smiling as wide as Fhil was.

“If I find out I’m still asleep on that third connecting flight I am going to be so bummed.” She said and Fearne chuckled, kissing the hand still against her cheek.

“As far as I know, you’re here.”

“That’s amazing news.” She kissed her again and Fearne melted into it. Fhil tilted her head, pulled back just to lean in further, moved slow letting Fearne choose if she wanted to lead or follow. She was opting for follow… thinking it was only fair after breaking and entering.

“What did you want when you came over?” Fhil asked lightly, kissing her nose, then her cheek, then her lips again.

“Mmm… To see you…” She breathed against her lips, eyes still closed and mind floating in the sensations.

Fhil pulled back and she had to stifle a whine at the loss.

“You couldn’t stay dressed for that?” Her eyes darted down then back to her.

“Huh, you know the thought never occurred to me.”

She put her arms around Fhil’s neck and kissed her again.

“Damn…” Fhil whispered, kissing her with more now, working a hand into Fearne’s hair, lifting her up under her thighs and holding her there in her arms.

“So this… just to check…” Fearne asked, breaking the kiss and trying not to combust at how easily Fhil was holding her up. “This is okay? That I’m here?”

“It’s okay.” Fhil confirmed. “It’s nice… not coming home to an empty apartment. Even nicer coming home to you.” 

She brushed their noses against each other, and guided her legs around her waist to hold her better.

“Is it okay if we don’t- you know? I’m really… jet lagged and beat.” Fhil admitted, hanging her head a bit embarrassed.

“That’s okay.” Fearne confirmed. She pulled the end of her hoodie drawstrings. “Still want these off.”

“Think that can be arranged.” Fhil nodded, then pulled her back into a kiss while she carried her down the hall and into a bedroom.

Undressing wasn’t a desperate affair. Instead it was surprisingly slow. Neither party in a rush to reveal themselves, instead enjoying the pauses.

Fhil tossed her hoodie to the side, slide off her pants and boxer shorts, then dragged her bra over her head. Fearne just smiled with an appreciative gaze lingering over the planes of skin. The full picture of her tattoo.

“You certainly stay… fit.”

And damn was that the understatement of the year. She’d always known she was athletic, but those chalk tally marks were certainly telling a story she usually hid.

Fhil smirked, and shrugged. “Comes with the territory.”

“Shit, I might too.”

Fhil laughed, and Fearne guided her hands to the tie around her waist, encouraging her to undo the ribbon and let them both be bare to each other.

“Never get tired of that.” Fhil breathed, letting her eyes take in as much as they could before wrapping her up with a strong embrace.

Fearne carded her fingers back through her hair before leaning in and returning them to their previous activities.

She lost track of how much time had passed while she was there between those lips. It was exploratory, it was innocent, it was fucking wonderful just learning someone like this. Fhil eventually backed her into the bed and eased her down, following on her hands and knees and kiss her neck. Her chest. The underside of her jaw.

Fearne readjusted her hands happily and trailed her fingertips down the exposed flesh. Felt her sigh at the touch and felt the moment Fhil relaxed into her. It was beautiful, the surrender, the morphing, that magic salt of skin on skin.

Fhil rolled on her side, reached over and dragged one of Fearne’s legs over her hips.

She felt the shiver down her spine, goosebumps prickling out like little pop rocks on her skin.

“This okay?” Fhil asked, voice velvet and low and new. Fearne loved the new.

Fearne nodded and shifted her hips, sighing happily at the little ping of pleasure from her sex rubbing on Fhil’s thigh.

Her eyes trailed the movement and Fearne shrugged innocently.

“Best break in I’ve ever been a part of.”

Fhil kept her eye and reached up for her cheek, pulling her back in for a kiss and Fearne sunk happily.

She wasn’t trying her usual techniques. She wasn’t doing her usual routine. She really wasn’t trying… anything. She was just enjoying. Just glad they were here together. Finally. And all the foundation they’d built made this so much sweeter.

A true reward.

The press of her powerful arms wrapping her so close. The smell of her skin, the feel of her hand against her jaw, her teeth nibbling her lip. It was all so good.

So so good.

Her hips jolted when their tongues touched and Fhil rolled her onto her back, holding herself up and looking down with eyes like stars.

Fearne tried not to whimper, exhaling slowly through her teeth.

Those golden eyes looked down at where their thighs were overlapped and where she imagined she could feel her wetness growing, then experimentally and torturously slow rolled her hips.

Fearne’s back arched, sharp and serendipitously, and she laughed.

“This doesn’t break your rules?”

Fhil shifted where she held herself up, leaned her nose down and drew a line right above her skin. She swore goosebumps rose where she didn’t touch.

“As long as I just look, not touch.”

“You sure have an interesting way to not have sex with someone.”

Fhil smiled, light and sweet, eyes still trained on where they were joined.

“Think you can get off like this?” Fhil asked, doing it again, causing Fearne to gasp. She nodded adamantly, putting her hands up to hold onto Fhil’s shoulders above her.

“Especially if you let me do a little…” she slid one hand down her body and drew a little line down her slit. Fhil nodded, rolling into her again.

“Let you, huh? Didn’t take you for the good girl type.”

“Fuck.” Fearne said, rolling against her. “Maybe I could be for you.”

She felt herself get closer, drew tighter circles around her sensitive bud.

“I… have done a lot of things…” she gasped and Fhil clenched the sheets beside her head, leaning closer and biting her neck. “Hhh, fuck. A lot of things different with you Fhil.”

Fhil chuckled once against her skin, soothing where she’d bit with her tongue and Fearne pulled her back up for a kiss. Deep and possessive and Fhil rolled against her and she felt herself boiling. Boiling like a noodle in a pot of water, heating up from the inside out.

“You’re so wonderful.” Fhil breathed into her lips, then she leaned down and sucked on her ear and that-

Was enough.

She hit her peak, felt the shakes rack her body and sighed as she came back down, perfectly satiated and smiling as the rush of her serotonin finished flowing to the tips of her fingers and toes.

Fearne’s chest heaved as it took in air and Fhil stilled, kissing her cheek three, four, five times.

She smiled up at her, eyes hooded and saw the look on her face. Just beautiful. She had always seen Fhil as rather handsome. Now she saw her as beautiful.

“Open your mouth.” Fearne said gently. Fhil did without question, so eager to please, and Fearne took her two fingers coated in her slick and slid them past her lips to her tongue.

Her eyes sparked and she closed her mouth around them, sucking lightly and Fearne sighed at the feeling.

“If I hadn’t been on a plane for 16 hours… it’d be really hard to hold myself back from you right now.”

“If you hadn’t been on a plane for 16 hours… I don’t think you’d have to.” Fearne said, still feeling the vibrations between her legs. The rumbling and excitement and… joy? It felt like joy.

She didn’t always feel that way with a new partner, but Fhil didn’t feel new. She felt… promised.

“Maybe tomorrow.” Fearne said, turning to her side as Fhil laid back down beside her, threading their fingers.

“I know it’s a bit of a drive to your lawyers. Can I come with? I didn’t want to assume-“

“Please do.” Fearne interjected. “I didn’t really want to go alone.”

Fhil nodded.

“Well then I could take you to dinner afterwards?”

“Sounds nice.”

“And then… we’ll just see.” Fhil said with a look that told Fearne they were on the same page about where the night would lead them.

“We’ll just.” Fearne smiled a little wider, pulling herself closer and nuzzling into Fhil’s shoulder as she wrapped an arm around her back.

************

Lawyers were a lot. Fhil being there was an actual miracle, because she didn’t know what to make of the fine print. But Fhil was calm, asked them to give her time when they were trying to rush her to sign things, and let her make her decisions. It made the whole thing palatable and possible, and… she was so grateful truly. She’d have to give her thanks tonight.

Her flight was stupid early in the morning and so they’d booked a hotel near the airport and made dinner reservations somewhere nice.

Sitting there now was funny. It felt like they were playing leading parts in a movie. Fearne had a less revealing dress than she’d normally go for, but one with more sparkle. And Fhil was wearing a white button up shirt with nice dark green slacks and a thin golden chain.

“I didn’t know you could accessorize.” She said, a little playfully, running a finger against it while they walked up to the bar. She smiled a little shy.

“When the occasion does arrive, I try and match it.” She wove down the bartender and got their first round and it was nice. They were just chatting about the season, and their families, and anything and everything under the sun.

It was so easy with her.

“So the little niece, you excited?” Fearne asked, knowing the answer was yes. She had shown her no less than 20 photos of her already.

“Very. Looking forward to the holidays in a few months just for the excuse to see her again.” She smiled, sipping her Old Fashioned. “We don’t always all get together for it, but this year we’re going to, and I’m really excited.”

“That sounds so fun.” Fearne said, stirring the olive in her Martini.

“What does your family usually do for that time of year?” Fhil asked, and Fearne tilted her head.

“Well Nana usually throws these extravagant parties for New Years, so we do the winter holidays pretty light.” She remembered her decorating her big old house in lights and banners and tinsel and speakers. Eccentric folks from all over coming to spend the beginning of the new season with her. “It’s usually just be me and her for those, sometimes Mom and Ollie would be there, a lot of times they wouldn’t.”

Fhil nodded and considered, before adding, “But you wish they were?”

Fearne shrugged. “Yeah. I did. Especially when I was little. Wanted that big holiday morning with everyone, ya know?”

Fhil hummed and raised a brow like she was considering something. “You wouldn’t want… perhaps…”

Fearne raised both eyebrows, seeing where this was going before it did.

“Too much?” Fhil asked, cheeks going a bit red, but Fearne set her drink down and shook her head adamantly.

“No, no, ask me.”

Fhil scratched the back of her neck and chuckled.

“Would you want to spend the holidays with me and my family? It doesn’t… have to be super serious. You don’t have to get them gifts or anything, but… you know. We play card games and watch holiday movies, and the little ones wear matching pajamas. Mom and Noemi bake cookies, and Dad and Greg pick teams for holiday kickball.”

“I’d love to.” Fearne said with a big smile, imagining all the little Feist’s in their little rituals and she’d get to be there to see it all.

Fhil smiled that bright little line that she only did when she was really excited.

“Okay cool.” She chuckled to herself and shook her head. “Damn, I think they’ll be happy to hear it. Haven’t brought someone home since… Margot.”

Fearne felt that squirmy fond feeling in her stomach. They still hadn’t really defined what they were to each other. Neither of them had asked for a label or to be exclusive, or all the things people seemed to care about when they put this much stock into somebody. But whatever it was… was perfect. And Fearne treasured it.

“Hey there pretty lady-“ a very drunk man leaned in between where the two of them were sitting. He was wearing a fancy suit jacket and a nice watch. Things Fearne usually noticed about someone. Right now though she mostly noticed that he was in her way as she was trying to talk to her date.

“Hi.” She said back to him, politely tapping his shoulder. “You know you’re actually interrupting.”

He looked confused over his shoulder at Fhil and his expression did this thing-

This thing Fearne instantly didn’t like.

“What, her?” His r’s were slurred like he didn’t know when to stop adding them.

“Yep, me.” Fhil stood, moving easily around him to stand beside Fearne again, putting a reassuring hand to Fearne’s lower back and she put a hand around her shoulder. Making it obvious that they were quite busy.

But that thing- he was still doing it. Looking at Fhil like she was a cardboard cutout not a person. He scoffed, literally laughed, looking between the two of them like it was a joke.

“Seriously? Even with-“ and he gestured toward Fhil’s neck scar. “That thing sticking out of there?”

Fhil exhaled a breath and pulled a face but shook it off. Taking it in stride far better than Fearne was. She was ready to stab him with a fork.

“Trying to. We’re gonna get back to it though if you don’t mind.” Fhil said in a calm tone, turning them to go.

Fearne leaned her head against her side, and was happy they were moving away from him.

When he reached out and grabbed her wrist. Fearne’s eyes went wide at the unwanted contact, and before she could even open her mouth to tell him promptly where to shove it, Fhil’s hand shot out and pulled him back.

“You’re gonna want to keep that to yourself pal.” She said direct and surprisingly deadly.

Drunk-o wasn’t getting it. He scoffed again, looking at Fearne like this was some kind of card game being played with dice.

“You know you’re way too pretty to settle for this-“ he gestured with his free hand toward Fhil, eyes on Fearne like he was solving the smoke and mirrors of a magic trick and she was still in the dark. “Baby I’m here now. You got beauty, why stay with the beast?”

“Wow, so you’re actually a prick.” Fearne said, patting his chest, no longer polite. “You know in that movie they push Gaston off the roof. Care to recreate it?”

Rejection was slowly sinking in and he no longer seemed entertained. He broke his hand free of Fhil’s grasp and stepped back, rolling his eyes dramatically.

“You’re both- crazy. Fine, take your table scraps.“

“I’m gonna need you to stop talking about my date like she’s not standing directly in front of you, mmkay?” Fearne said, becoming frustrated. Feeling the fiery edge to her words. “And even if I was here alone, I’m pretty sure I’d be finding excuses to break away to the bathroom and squeeze through the window.”

He didn’t seem to have a clever thing to say to that.

“You’re a bitch.” He eventually came back with, no longer looking at her like a steak at least.

“Whatever you need to tell yourself to make this end. Have a good night.” She waved her little goodbye, trying to dismiss him.

Fhil moved defensively before Fearne even realized his intent, putting her body between them and keeping a hand against his chest. That lusty energy was gone and replaced with aggression.

He said something terrible, sputtered a few incoherent insults and Fhil stopped keeping him at bay and actively pushed him back a few steps. Be spilled half his drink in the process.

“Alright cowboy, go get some water and shake it off.” Fhil said final, keeping a hand out like he was a dinosaur in that Jurassic Park movie. He seemed annoyed but defeated for the time being, but as Fhil turned she only got a few steps away before-

KREASCKKKKK.

Fearne heard the glass shatter and saw the little pieces floating around.

Then Fhil was being pulled back a step as the man had thrown his arm around her neck and was pulling her with all his stumbley body weight. She got an arm up around his and ducked low, flipping him over her shoulder in a fluid motion and into a table stacked with cups and napkins and plates that clinked and crashed under him.

Fearne just gaped, saw the way Fhil grit her teeth and was holding herself back.

“Wrong move.” She said cold as ice and the jackass was still holding the remains of the glass he cracked in the back of Fhil’s head. She could see darker red drying in Fhil’s hair.

Evidently not realizing he’d lost he kept throwing hands, clipped Fhil’s face and was trying to stab at her with the damn cup fragments until Fhil pulled a fist back and smashed him in the face.

There was an audience now as he cried out in shock or pain and finally released Fhil to put both hands to his nose that was bleeding all over his white jacket.

“You- you fucking ASSHOLE!” He yelled but there was a whine of pain.

“Shouldn’t have thrown the first blow if you weren’t ready to fight.” She said leaning in. “You could’ve walked away so many times. We asked you to walk away so many times. But you had to keep picking. Well how bout this jackass- when a woman says no, LISTEN. Or reap what you sow.”

She pressed him back down into the table and the ruckus seemed to gather the attention of whoever he was with as a group of suits came running over to collect him. They muttered apologies on his behalf, surely didn’t want to fight Fhil with how she looked spattered in blood, and got his loud whining ass out of there.

Fhil sighed as they left, adrenaline waning, and then ducked her head embarrassed and began picking up the knocked over plates and glass she’d accidentally sent to the floor after airlifting the douche. 

“Sorry.” Fhil muttered to the staff that was frozen solid, waiting on the outskirts of the interaction. “I’ll clean this up.”

Fearne crossed over to her, and bent down.

“Fhil.” She put a hand on her cheek, saw a bruise already forming there.

“Hey, you okay?” Fhil asked, eyes trailing over her to check for damage. Fearne smiled softly.

“I’m fine, why don’t you take a seat and I’ll get these? You’re bleeding from the head, silly.”

She put a hand up like she hadn’t realized and inhaled a little sharp gasp after grazing where the glass must’ve gotten her.

“Damn.” She muttered.

A manger of some kind came around to bend down beside her. Older woman, gently shooing them both.

“We’ll take care of this sweetheart. Please, come take a seat.” She took one of Fhil’s hands and lead her away from the mess. “Pretty! Get a broom.”

“Right ‘way boss.” A tall figure from the back said, surprisingly jovial for the display.

“I’m incredibly sorry for what you just experienced.” The manager said, looking at them both with a genuine eye.

“Sorry I made a scene.” Fhil shrugged, but the woman shook her head.

“You protected yourself, and your date. There’s nothing to be sorry about for that. Plates can be replaced.” The lady smiled. “I already called the police, I hope you dont mind giving them a statement, and I don’t mean to overstep, but I would say that those are some pretty deep gashes… you may want to get some stitches.”

Fhil nodded, looking over at Fearne. “Think I left my wallet on the counter… can you get my card and close out for me?”

“Oh that won’t be necessary.” The manager insisted. “The man told me himself that he felt very bad about his behavior, and insisted on paying your bill to make amends. He also told me he wished for us to put all the damage charges on his tab.”

Fearne smiled at the manger, and gave a grateful nod. One of the staff gently tapped her shoulder and brought her purse and coat and Fhil’s wallet from the counter where they’d been left, and they gave them some privacy while they cleaned up.

About an hour later they were sitting in the Emergency Room, waiting for their turn.

“Ever have stitches before?” She asked Fhil lightly, holding a damp cloth napkin to the afflicted area.

“Lots.” She said, eyes casting down a bit. “Listen, I’m sorry… you can… you don’t have to stay.”

Fearne frowned at her, tilted her face to her.

“I know I don’t. I want to.”

Fhil sighed, leaning her head against her shoulder.

“We keep getting interrupted.” Fhil muttered.

Fearne hummed, shifting the cloth, then kissing right above her ear.

“Universe certainly has a weird sense of humor.”

They sat in silence for a bit, just leaning into each other as the night got long and people came and went.

“Still want to come home for the holidays?” Fhil asked.

“Absolutely. Think this will make a great story.”

************

When she’d arrived at the train station for the trip to the moon she saw Ashton and caught up for a few minutes. He asked about Gloamgut and she showed him some photos from Nana.

She saw Orym and his mom, thanking them for letting them stay at their property this past spring. It had been so nice spending so much time with them all.

And then after boarding and stashing her luggage in her room and meandered about, on the off chance she’d see her.

And then she did.

“That for me?” Fearne called, seeing her desired target standing in the train hall with a ring box in her hand.

Fhil perked up and chuckled, shaking her head.

“Afraid to say it’s Imogen’s.”

“No fair, how does she get you and Laudna?” Fearne pouted.

Fhil slid it back in her coat pocket and came forward to stand extra close and put her hands on her arms, rubbing them up and down appreciatively.

“Pretty sure those two only have eyes for each other.” Fhil said assuringly, and a lightbulb went off.

“Is that for her- to ask her?”  She asked excitedly. It would be just fucking like these two, dating for a few months and engaged.

Fhil shrugged.

“It might just be a token, but… yeah. It might be that too.”

“Oh. My. Gosh, that’s amazing. Okay we have to go ask them-“

“Orrrrrrr.” Fhil pulled her back with a little tug and Fearne went willingly, smiling and putting her arms around her waist. “Want to go to the dining cart with me? I’m starving.”

“You’re always starving.” Fearne said with a chuckle. “Already tear through your peanut stash?”

“How do you know about my peanut stash?”

“I know everything, remember?” She said non-chalantly. And Fhil just smiled, kissed her forehead and offered her arm as they adjourned to the cart.

They’d agreed after the Olympics… to maybe give this a real try. Do the dating, the sexting, the meeting the families. 

Fearne had never really… done that for somebody. But maybe this was a time to try something new. With someone… worth it.

************

And then they landed on the moon.

And there’s a moment where Fearne saw Fhil see Margot and-

And… wow.

Fearne liked taking things. Liked collecting them. Liked holding them close to her heart.

But in that moment, she inhaled a sharp little breath and knew instantly… she had to let this thing with Fhil go.

This wasn’t something that was hers to have… and she was hardly the most responsible person to care for it. But more so…

She was going to hurt her.

She sensed it in that moment, that even looking at the outcome of their overlapping time in Fearne’s crazy, wrecking ball lifestyle. She’d hurt her a lot.

And then Margot… it was that same look from the photo album. From when they were kids… Where Fhil saw nobody and nothing else besides her.

That’s what she deserved. Someone to love her…. and look at her the way Margot did.

So Fearne smiled, buried the little flower in her chest and took her hand.

“Hey, what’re we looking at?”