Chapter Text
The skies hung dark and dreary. It was about to start pouring and it looks like it will be the kind of rain that stretches on for days. Zhao Yuan Zhou glanced at Wen Xiao who has broken down in sobs, kneeling at his side. Her face was red and puffy from all the crying, but she was still as beautiful as the day he first saw her. He cracked into a helpless smile, still finding her adorable even in his last moments. He was at peace with dying – truly. He was – until he looked up and saw Zhuo Yi Chen's tear-streaked face, the way he stubbornly bit his lower lip hard enough to bruise, his fists are clenched so tightly – nails digging on the flesh of his palms. For some reason, he doesn't feel the hole on his chest slowly bleeding out and killing him, but when he saw the pain in Zhuo Yi Chen's eyes he felt like he was being gutted. Ah, I guess this is what love is. I feel your pain greater than mine, and in turn, you feel mine greater than yours. He thought to himself as his eyes blurred from the onset of his own tears. He felt the fragments of himself slowly scattering in the wind ever so vividly, it wasn't painful but it scared him. He has never felt so afraid in the thousands of years he has lived, but it wasn't death that he feared – It was the thought of leaving what he had behind. He gradually lost his sight, everything turned dark, yet he could still hear Wen Xiao's sorrowful cries and feel her gripping his cold hand.
"Zhao Yuan Zhou! Please... Please..." A broken cry from Zhuo Yi Chen made him want to give whatever it was that he was pleading for, but he knew he couldn't. He felt Zhuo Yi Chen's shaking hand on his cheek that has more or less turned into dust, as if he was trying to stop Zhao Yuan Zhou from falling to pieces. Zhuo Yi Chen cried and begged until there was nothing left of the Great Demon. The rain finally started falling, as if to accompany the tears rolling down their faces.
After an unknown amount of time, Zhao Yuan Zhou felt like he was floating in space, like he was something and nothing at the same time. Is this what death is supposed to feel like? He wondered.
"Nuwa, I do not wish for a reward." Zhao Yuan Zhou's head turned to look for the familiar mellow voice. That's where he saw Bing Yi, crouched down on the ground like a wounded animal. He looked so much like the last image of Zhuo Yi Chen from his memory. In front of Bing Yi was a beautiful woman with long black hair that pooled around her, adorned with gold and gems, her torso down was that of a snake, she must be Nuwa.
"You have saved the world, of course I must reward you. Do you wish to have more power? Wealth? Fame? Ask and I shall grant it." Nuwa raised Bing Yi's chin with her finger revealing his lifeless eyes still pouring tears that shined like valuable pearls.
"I never wished to save the world at the cost of my beloved. He willed it himself and all I could do was fulfill it. If I had the choice I would've watched the world crumble right before my eyes, the prayers and pleas from humans dying in pain would've fallen on deaf ears. I would let anyone... Everyone... I would have let them all die before Ying Long did!" Bing Yi's eyes glowed blue from both anger and sorrow. Zhao Yuan Zhou couldn't say that he was shocked to confirm that Bing Yi and Ying Long were actually lovers. Mere friends would not look at each other the way they did from the memories he has seen during their venture to the Zhuo clan's ancestral shrine. It reminded him about how Zhuo Yi Chen looked at him every so often. It was unspoken love and adoration – It was everything he didn't deserve.
"I would've torn this world apart if it wasn't the last of what's left of him, Nuwa. Why don't you just kill me? That's right... I wish to perish. I do not want to live in a world where Ying Long doesn't exist. Will you grant my wish?" Bing Yi looked no less than a madman at this point. His tears didn't stop but he had a bitter smile plastered across his face. Nuwa shook her head as she looked down at the broken figure of what once was a great dragon who upheld justice and protected all realms.
"Forgive me, child. This wish is one I cannot grant. Ying Long made his wish long before you. He knew you too well. He has foreseen how you would hate the world that he gave his life to save and that you would wish for death. He asked me to protect you from yourself. He wishes for you to live a life free from the shackles of being the strongest and free from loving the world's natural enemy." Nuwa wiped away his tears but they just kept on streaming down his cheeks, leaving fresh trails of liquid. Zhao Yuan Zhou felt like dying all over again from watching Bing Yi, an exact copy of Zhuo Yi Chen, suffering from the loss of his beloved. What if Xiao Zhuo was falling apart the same way Bing Yi did in the past? The thought crept in his mind and he didn't know what to do to convince himself that Zhuo Yi Chen will be fine.
"Why would he think that I could live my life without him?! I would've suffered alongside him in the deepest darkest cell with not a single ray of light. I would've spent my life fighting every human, demon, or God, if it meant being with him. I could be anything! The weakest, the strongest, a demon, a God, a hideous monster, anything – but I can't be anything without him... Nuwa, anything, please... But not without him..." Bing Yi, the strongest demon of his time, revered as a God and a savior by the generations that followed, now reduced to nothing but a sobbing mess. His greatness is now merely a shadow of the past that felt so distant now, begging on his knees for anyone to take his misery away.
"Zhu Yan, my child, do you want to make a wish?" Zhao Yuan Zhou suddenly heard Nuwa's voice right beside him which almost made his heart jump. Oh. I can actually feel my heart. He placed his hand over his chest before looking over to Nuwa, she looked exactly the same as she did in Bing Yi's memory. The visions of her conversation with Bing Yi are now out of sight and replaced by space. Endless space and distant stars below his feet.
"Do you wish to make the same wish as you did when you were Ying Long?" Nuwa asked, her chin resting on her intertwined fingers.
Before Zhao Yuan Zhou could open his mouth to respond, he was dragged into another memory. Bleak mist surrounded him, obscuring his view.
"I have warned you not to approach him, child. He is meant to be your end, one that fate has decided." It was Nuwa's voice again, but he couldn't see anything because of how thick the fog was. He kept walking towards her voice, hoping to get a better view of the memory she was trying to show him.
"You did, yet I still chose to meet him. It was nothing more than a young demon's curiosity. I wanted to know who would claim my life for the sake of the world. So I came to know him." A familiar calm voice answered. He finally saw their silhouettes after following their voices. Nuwa sat on a throne made of vines and flowers that are nearly withered, across from her stood Ying Long. An exact copy of Zhao Yuan Zhou, even up to the way he carried himself in front of the Goddess.
"Coming to know your end is one thing, coming to love him is another. What's worse is that you did not stop there, you allowed him to return your love. You should have known better, sweet child." Nuwa shook her head, showing a mother's sympathy as she looked at her child finally realizing the consequence of going against her careful advice. Zhao Yuan Zhou didn't need to see Ying Long's face to know what type of expression he had written on it. What could it be other than regret? That was exactly how he felt when Zhuo Yi Chen had told him that he no longer wanted him to die. He asked Zhao Yuan Zhou to promise that he would stop seeking death with tears glistening in his eyes – eyes that screamed how deeply he feared the Great Demon's death. It made his heart sink. In truth, he was no longer seeking death, but if his death would save the world, his friends – his love – then he must die.
"He was destined to be the end of me, but he was also made to be so beautiful. So perfect. Powerful and righteous. Strong-willed and a little ill-tempered. Eyes as deep as the ocean, clear windows connected to his untainted soul. His smiles and laughter are scarcer than the rarest gems that I would most gladly work for. Made exactly for me to love, Nuwa. I was filled by this ugly desire to possess him, even when I knew that it was doomed from the very beginning. So, I loved him anyway and I let him love me. He has given me everything, my life will be his to take. I would be happy to die by his hand." Ying Long described Bing Yi as Zhao Yuan Zhou would have described Zhuo Yi Chen. It's like they had the exact same person in mind. He could hear the fondness in his voice accompanied by the bitterness from what was to come.
A throbbing headache made Zhao Yuan Zhou close his eyes and fall to his knees. Flashes of memories came pouring in like it was forcing its way inside his brain. He saw Bing Yi in each one of them. Memories ranging from soft images of him with children, to a ruthless hunter of demons that had gone berserk.
He cracked an awkward yet beautiful smile towards the humans that revered and thanked him for the protection he had granted.
Images of his wounded and battered body and how Ying Long had tended to him as gently as he could.
He saw how Bing Yi's ruthless facade would falter after his battles to mourn what was lost. He would look up at the sky, dropping his sword drenched in blood, his face serene but with a fleeting sadness. The years spent carrying the responsibility of the strength he never asked for were wearing him down and only Ying Long would notice.
There were also memories that Zhao Yuan Zhou wasn't exactly sure if he was allowed to see. He saw visions of Bing Yi's naked body, fair skin contrasted by rose-colored marks blooming on it. The obscene sounds of flesh against flesh, soft gasps, and whispered praises. The feeling of his nails clawing and marking his back. The warmth of Bing Yi's skin against his – or maybe against Ying Long's. He wasn't quite sure what the difference was between them anymore. It was like these memories were from his past – as if he himself lived as Ying Long.
"Please protect him from himself. And... If I were to live again, at least let me keep my memories of him." Ying Long sounded exhausted. It was the type of exhaustion Zhao Yuan Zhou could feel in his own bones despite not seeing his face.
"That would go against the law of rebirth, child. Memory can be precious, but it could also be a curse. You will remember Bing Yi in every lifetime, but you will carry with it the memories you want to forget. Do you truly wish for this?"
"Zhu Yan, Ying Long, my child, have you recalled now?" Nuwa raised his chin using her finger so that they could see eye to eye. She was sat on a throne with vibrant flowers and strong vines, looking down at the kneeling Zhao Yuan Zhou.
"As you know, Bing Yi, that stubborn child, managed to guide a fragment of your soul before you died and bound it in his ancestral shrine. That fragment so happened to be the one that held your memories. Zhuo Yi Chen somehow managed to develop his own unique core, he no longer needs that fragment to substitute for it, thus it was returned. I have never broken my promise to you. It was Bing Yi's interruption that had caused you to lose your memory." Nuwa explained as he helped him stand up. Zhao Yuan Zhou stood frozen in front of her. The memories that came back abruptly are still trying to rearrange themselves in his head.
Another memory from the time Bing Yi took the fragment of his consciousness and buried it in his shrine flashed through his mind.
"Ying Long, you forced me to kill you and now you force me to live out my long life without you. How cruel." Bing Yi knelt on the snow covered ground facing the shrine he made for Ying Long. His tears have dried but the emptiness he felt has now been ingrained in his eyes.
"You died for the world. For the humans and their stars. What about me? I have lost the only light in my life, and I made that happen, Yin Long! I killed you myself! I hate this world that you saved. I hate you and I hate myself even more." His voice had gotten hoarse from how much he has been cursing Ying Long out since he died. The longing and the pain intertwine into complicated knots of love and hate. Bing Yi has forgotten how to differentiate and it's not like it mattered.
He spent years locked in there, probably as a punishment. He had thought that Bing Yi was able to go on with his life, like he always wished he would. Maybe he has met another, someone that could heal what Ying Long broke. But one day, he returns – Old and at death's door. He was still beautiful, and still as broken as he was before he left.
"I always wondered how our last meeting would make me feel. Maybe I'm too old and muddled, Ying Long. I can't feel anything anymore." Bing Yi rested his back against the stone pillar of the shrine. He had lived the remaining years of his life as a human, like he wished from Nuwa. At least a human had a far shorter life than that of an ancient dragon was what pushed him to ask for it.
"I've wandered the world, like you always wanted to. I've seen a lot of things but nothing quite worth remembering... I have also continued my lineage. This helpless world that you loved so much probably needs it. Although that wasn't the only reason I did it." A playful grin danced across his face, an expression that seemed so foreign after he lost everything.
"You see, the humans have built me a shrine in the human realm. I happened to come across it a few years ago and I was going to destroy it out of spite. I found an old barren couple there, and do you know what they were praying to me – a supposed God who turned the rivers red to save the world – for?" Bing Yi recounted this memory so fondly. He hadn't even realized that he was smiling to himself.
"They were praying for a child, Ying Long! How ridiculous is that? Me? A demon who has only brought death? But then again, I realized that after all the killing I've done, I should at least contribute to making a single life in this world. I told them, of course, that this lineage would be mine. It will be powerful, and power will someday lead them to carry the responsibility of the world's safety. Responsibility is a curse." He laughed as he told the story but the last sentence was almost a whisper full of bitter reality. He looked up at the nameless memorial tablet and sighed.
"Do you know what they said? Responsibility is lighter when it is shared. They can just share their child's responsibility, and when they pass, it will be shared by their child's spouse and their grandchildren. Apparently, that's what it meant to have a family. So, I gave them my bone and what was left of my core. I also gave them the blood that Nuwa extracted when she tried to make me as human as she possibly could. Someday, I will come back to this world to carry it as I always have. Maybe I will have a family to lean on the next time I have to save the world... Maybe I will have you again, Ying Long." Bing Yi caressed the crevices of the stone bricks he piled years ago, it was well-made but left without a name and only visited during his final moments. It wasn't out of hate, he just couldn't bring himself to accept what he had lost although he mourned for it his whole life.
Zhao Yuan Zhou only realized that the memories had finally settled in his brain and he was now back in front of Nuwa when he felt drops of water trickling down his face. Was it raining? No. It was tears. He tried to wipe it away to save himself from the embarrassment but for some reason he was so overwhelmed that he couldn't stop crying. Nuwa could only sigh as she patted his back gently.
"I have made him suffer the same fate twice, Nuwa. What have I done?" Zhao Yuan Zhou collapsed from the weight of his guilt.
"Indeed, you have, child." One thing the Goddess would not do was lie.
"I grant wishes, but there are limits. In your first life, you have made a wish first. In this one, I gave Zhuo Yi Chen the honors." Nuwa waved her hand and revealed a golden mirror. It showed them Zhuo Yi Chen pulling the reins of his steed to a stop with Nuwa blocking his path.
"My child, you saved the world, to show you my gratitude, I will grant you a wish." Nuwa approached the alert Zhuo Yi Chen who had his hand holding the glowing red hilt of his sword, prepared to unsheathe it.
"Stubborn child. You have kept a fragment of Zhu Yan's consciousness inside that sword, it seems. Do you wish to follow your ancestor's footsteps? Nevermind... I have not come here to scold you. My name is Nuwa. I granted Bing Yi the humanity he wished for. I can grant you that as well if you wish. If not, I can give you power, wealth, or fame. You can take your pick." Nuwa shook off the disappointment from her face knowing that the unfortunate history between these two was repeating itself.
"If you can grant any wish, then bring him back." Zhuo Yi Chen swiftly dismounted his horse and pointed the hilt of his sword towards Nuwa. The Goddess was not surprised. Bing Yi has always been fearless and impatient – the worst combination there is.
"I can grant any wish but I cannot interfere with life and death, child. What you have is a fragment – a mere speck of Zhu Yan's soul. There's nothing you or I can do to fix it." Nuwa already had an answer prepared for this. She knew that it would be the first thing he'd ask of her. Zhuo Yi Chen silently placed the sword back on his side and turned his back against the Goddess.
"I've heard that demons can live stupidly long lives, I will spend it all on bringing him back if I have to. Watch me." He mounted his horse and didn't even give Nuwa a second look as he rode it and left.
"As you can see, it did not work out. He refused to make a wish. I have approached him on multiple occasions after that, but he just started treating me like air altogether. For millennia, he has been cultivating and pouring that cultivation into your fragment, it's no better than pouring it all into a void. I've told him countless times that it will not work and that he is just wasting precious energy. He was missing the most important fragment that no cultivation could make up for and it was the one acting as his core. Of course I couldn't tell him. He would've dug it out without a second thought." Nuwa sighed as she massaged her temples. Thinking about Zhuo Yi Chen has been quite a headache for the past millennia.
"Now that we have the fragment back, I can give you two options. You can keep your memories and be reborn at the same time as Bing Yi's third life. It will be the perfect chance to start anew. The second would be to force your way back to the fragment in Zhuo Yi Chen's possession. I cannot guarantee that your memories will be intact as we will be going against the natural order of life and death after all. I do not recommend this because I'm not sure how it would turn out bu–"
"Take me back to Xiao Zhuo. I don't want to make him wait anymore." He didn't let Nuwa finish, all he knew was that he had done him wrong during their first life, he shouldn't make the same mistake in their second one.
"I knew you would say that. I warned you, child. I don't know what memories you will retain once you gain consciousness. It could be everything important, but it could also be the day Bing Yi or Zhuo Yi Chen drove a sword through your chest." Nuwa pressed her finger on his forehead where it glowed red as she cast her spell. She gave him one final look as if to ask Zhao Yuan Zhou if he knew that there was no backing out after this, to which he just smiled and nodded. He looked as if he's never been more sure, the notion was ridiculous to Nuwa because how could he be so sure of a future that was so uncertain.
Zhao Yuan Zhou closed his eyes, he felt himself being sucked into what felt like a wormhole as he slowly lost consciousness.