Work Text:
January 29, 1996
“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid,” Remus begged, knowing in his heart it was a pointless desperate plea.
Grabbing hold of Sirius’s hands tightly, Remus encouraged his lover to sit on his bed with him instead of continuing to pace. The mattress was worn like so many things in their life anymore. It hurt so much to know there could have been so much more for them in an ideal world. He tried to hold out hope though that there was still a chance there could be something after it was all over.
Grimmauld Palace would have been dark and depressing even without war looming in the air all around them. Remus knew it had always been that way to a certain level. It was obviously starting to take its toll on Sirius though, the result of always being trapped within its walls for so long. Of course, it hurt his heart to see the man he loved struggling the way he was, but logically he could concede it was for the best.
Sirius rolled his head to the side and looked away from him at the dingy green wallpaper. He always did that when he didn’t want to argue. Unfortunately he rarely submitted, easily, to another’s point of view. It didn’t matter if it was his lover or not.
Two mature, maturish, adult men in a relationship. Wizards aside, they were just like any other couple on the planet. Occasionally they got into some hot tempered spats, but thankfully they always came back together once they cooled off. Although occasionally they did struggle to come to an agreement… like now.
“What do you want from me, Moony?” Sirius asked sounded defeated and like he had no other choice. “I’m going to protect him. No matter what.”
“Trust Dumbledore. Trust the Order,” Remus pleaded as passionately as he could without making himself cry due to the extra hormones pumping through him. “I can’t lose you again Sirius… even if you are just sent to Azkaban, I can’t lose you. I’ve hardly had you back for two years. Please don’t make me suffer that again. I love you too much. I want our life together. The one we always dreamed of. We can, we really can, when this is all over. I know it.”
“How can I trust that man Remus?” Sirius asked, annoyance twisting his features when he turned to face him again. “He has been keeping me held up in this hell hole for over a year!”
“For your safety!” Remus argued. “It’s for your safety Sirius. You know what happened to Arthur!”
“Exactly!” Sirius shouted, pulling his hands out of his grasp angrily. “Look at what happened! The fucking psychopath was inside Harry’s head! Who knows what he can do if he can achieve that kind of magic! We owe it to James and Lily to protect him. Protect him with everything we have! The two of them put me as his god father Remus. I was put in charge of his well being because they know I’m not above getting my bloody hands dirty for the people I care about. Forget about my safety for Merlin’s sake!”
Oh, Remus wished it were that easy. It sounded cruel, but if emotions didn’t cloud their judgement of things the world would surely get a lot easier very quickly. If that was what got them through the war unscathed, so be it. As it was, his chest tightened with the fear of losing his lover.
“I will die to protect Harry,” Sirius said dangerously, his gray eyes turning to steel and Remus pitied any fool that wanted to argue with his lover when he was this far gone. “He doesn’t deserve any of this.”
“No he doesn’t,” Remus agreed quietly, dropping his gaze to his lap tiredly.
Remus didn’t know if he wanted to let himself start crying due to his lover's words. True words. A fact that made it all so much worse.
Harry didn’t deserve any of what life had presented him so far. The thought of Voldemort inside his head did hurt Remus too. Both of them owed it to James and Lily to do everything possible for their son.
Sirius running out into the wizarding world with the Ministry after him was a foolish decision that did no one any favors. It was a choice they couldn’t risk because the odds were it would end badly. Remus just knew it.
The amount of passion Sirius did have for the things he cared about was one of the top things he loved about the man. Remus had admired it in school and it had helped bring them together. Somehow his friend’s energy had filled him with life, while he’d helped ground his then friend. Together, they were able to create a beautiful symphony of friendship that had led to their falling in love without any noticing.
Hell, Remus hadn’t even noticed just how deep their friendship had grown until Sirius had kissed him one day. James hadn’t figured it out until over a year later either and that’d just been because they’d grown far too publicly affectionate with each other. Lily had announced her pregnancy though, making them downright giddy with the idea of starting a family.
Remus blamed Sirius and their canine dispositions for the response to their friends having a baby. It was just the bond they had created between the four of them that had their hormones buzzing happily. The knowledge that their pack was reproducing? Something more primal was being shared in their lives than friendship. Biological or not, there would be children they needed to take care of.
Shortly after Lily had begun showing, Sirius and him had been knotted together after a heated round of eager shagging one day when the man mentioned the possibility of them having their own children. Remus hadn’t dismissed the idea, making his boyfriend beam happily. He’d obviously been pretty confident that he was going to say no… for valid reasons.
Remus hadn’t been able to find it in him to rule out having children with Sirius. The problem wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted them. It had purely been about his condition being understudied, let alone in regards to genetics.
Now, that little fear from so long ago felt like nothing in comparison to what they had actually had to experience in life. Remus was terrified they would have to go through it all again if Sirius didn’t listen too. Something that made him want to dig his fingers into his chest, to help him breathe a little easier. The novelty of youth was dreaming of a future that had slim chances of even happening.
“We owe it to James to be smart about this Sirius,” Remus said, gathering himself and looking back up. “We need to think and not jump to conclusions like we always have before. We made that mistake once. I made that mistake. Please. Just wait and be calm, love. I know it's hard. Break the walls if you want. Throw things. Just… just please.”
Brushing some of the man’s dark curls off of Sirius’s cheek, Remus could feel the tears forming remembering all of the pain from after James and Lily had died. The longing he’d felt for his pack, while having to mourn his friend’s deaths. An endless waterfall of hurt, pain, and betrayal that came from his boyfriend being carted off to Azkaban for their murder. Anger that warred greatly with the bond they’d sealed. Together, they’d ended up mated on a more primal level than purposely tethering their magic with forethought.
All of those emotions had cut Remus deeply. It was a type of pain that no full moon could come close to rivaling. Thirteen long years he’d spent believing the closest person he would ever have in his life had betrayed their own pack. The anguish had been overwhelming.
Remus had nearly lost himself in a never ending pit of despair. One he’d almost not been able to climb back out of. The only reason he had eventually managed was because of Dumbledore.
Suddenly Sirius’s rough hands were cradling his face, holding him delicately like he needed sometimes despite the strong creature that resided within him. The same way his lover had been holding him since sixth year in the hospital wing and many nights afterwards in their dorm room. The same way he had after getting their flat in Hogsmeade, basking in the feeling of openly being together as Hogwarts graduates ready to create one life.
Finally tears began to escape the corner of his eyes thanks to the warm memories. Remus wasn’t embarrassed though. He had never once hid anything from Sirius, and with so much going on he was long overdue for a breakdown. The two of them were very emotional men, in different ways.
Everyone was in danger again. A fact that opened old wounds that hadn’t ever managed to heal. All Remus wanted was for his pack to be safe. Something that felt so simply, so achievable, yet was proving to be the farthest thing from it.
Harry was at Hogwarts. He was literally on the other side of the country under the rule of a pink giggling dementor, while Sirius was on the edge of stomping straight into the school to kill the witch himself. Remus wasn’t all that sure he would be able to stop him if he genuinely tried. It was the same part of his person, that had been ready to watch his mate eagerly do Peter in like he deserved.
Sirius placed a soft kiss on his lips. It was long and full of love that wrapped his soul up in a blanket of hope. He wished it never had to end.
The werewolf inside of him inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with Sirius’s scent. A scent he hadn’t been able to stop taking a big whiff of every time they were together now. Remus could acknowledge the scenting he was indulging himself in was a bit much, but he just couldn’t help it. He wanted to bury his nose in the man’s neck and never resurface.
Unfortunately the kiss did end and the gentle movement of their mouths together slowed until the two of them were simply breathing in each other's air. Remus looked down at his lap again, licking his lips to savor and remember as much of every sense of the moment he could. Soon, he’d have to leave Grimmauld again.
The unpleasant feeling of dread continued to weigh heavily on his stomach despite the intimacy Sirus and him were sharing. Bad things were going to happen. Remus couldn’t shake the thought and he was aware no matter how much he were to try, he would never be able to prevent them all. It didn’t mean he couldn’t try though, which was why he had to leave to where Dumbledore sent him. A single grain of rice could tip the scales in a war.
“I love you Sirius,” Remus sniffled, trying to regain himself a little as he wiped his nose with his bare wrist.
Sirius suddenly lifted his chin up with a single finger. Something in the man’s firm expression wavered before his boyfriend simply sighed. Softly, he rested their foreheads together. A warm, connective feeling that was reassuring and soothing.
“I love you too Remus,” Sirius said, his tone one of melancholy that made his chest ache painfully. “Mates are forever, love. Forever and more. Beyond our imaginations. You don’t need to fear, for us.”
Remus nodded. He didn’t agree or believe that he shouldn’t fear for them, but he didn’t want to argue with Sirius anymore. The hours they had left together was short and time was life’s greatest gift he could never have enough of with his mate.