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I was sitting on the deck of the cruise ship. The wood creaked and I should have been careful not to get wet. The virus is still in the water and I hadn't had any red fern today. But to be honest. I have other problems. Like Orion, for example. I've been trying hard to control my anger for days. If you look at it that way, he's to blame for my mother's death. And that meant that my father became an alcoholic. But I had other problems as well.
When I was 6, I realized that I didn't like being seen as a boy. I never knew there was a term for it. Now I've come across the term transsexual. Und ja, irgendwie beschreibt das mein Leben. Or is it just my imagination? Does anyone here know anything about this? Well, apart from Tess. I don't want to talk to her about it. Should I talk to Alea? But what should I say ? That her boyfriend is actually a girl and is trans? How would she react to that?
I think it's better if my father and I no longer have contact. I'm already a disappointment to him as a young man. What if I'm trans then too? How will he react? How does he feel about all this? I could talk to Ben about it, right? Or my sister? I know that Ellie would accept me unconditionally. Where is she right now? She can't swim. She hasn't had any red fern today either, so that's impossible. And she wasn't on board, so she must be in the saloon. I get up and quickly go into the saloon. "Ellie!" I call.
Silence.
Where is she? "Ellie Marie Paula Xaralina Lando!" I call out a little louder. Ben comes out of the boys' cabin grinning. "Is that Ellie's full name?" I nod and smile. I wonder why our parents came up with such a name. "She is in the girls' cabin and lets them paint their fingers with nail polish. I wonder where she got organic nail polish from ." Ben said. So either she stole it or she didn't. I'm guessing the former.
Ellie comes out. Her nails are painted black. "Look, Lenny!" she calls and shows me the result. "I think he likes it," I hear Alea say.
Him... That sounds... That doesn't sound right. Ellie looks at me and knows I have something on my mind. She has that tell-me-what's-wrong look again.
"Can we talk upstairs?" I ask. Ellie nods and follows me. "Us too?" asks Sammy. "No, just Ellie and me!" I call back.
"What's wrong?" Ellie asked when we were on the deck. I take a deep breath. "So what if instead of an older brother you have an older... sister?" I get nervous. Will she understand what I Want to say? "I don't care. Do you want to be a girl?" asked Ellie. I'm a little surprised by her directness. "Yes. I think I might be trans," I said, playing nervously with my fingers. "Cool. Do you want to have a different name? I mean, a lot of transgender people have a different name and pronouns than their biological gender," Ellie replied. She thinks about it. "Oblivions always have names that start with X. Maybe Xara? Xena or...Something Like That? " I hugged Ellie. She is simply the best little sister. I will probably tell the others soon. That will be something. But Ellie supports me in any case