Work Text:
Till had his hands covering his face, letting out an aggravated groan. “I can’t believe..”
The street lamp illuminated the both of them enough to be visible, as it was late at night.
Ivan stared at him from where they sat in an empty playground, taking a swing each. It wasn’t the one they’d played on when they were children, but something along the way.
“..I never realized Mizi and Sua liked each other like that.” His hands fell.
Till’s face was conflicted, “..Was I the only one who didn’t notice? ..Ivan, did you know?” Why didn’t you tell me?
Just a few hours ago, Mizi and Sua had announced that they’d gotten together in front of everyone, much to cheers and ‘ Finally ’.
Till had been shocked. He tried to hold it together, awkwardly smiling and congratulating them, but Ivan could tell he wasn’t over it.
Later, Mizi had come up to him and asked if he could check up on Till, worried.
Ivan had asked her why she hadn’t done it herself, and she simply said that the two of them were close, weren’t they?
“..And besides. I don’t think Till likes me very much. He tends to avoid me. But I know I can rely on you to cheer him up. You always manage to perk him up when he’s feeling down.”
Did she mean when he purposely started fights with Till?
He nodded, “I will. Send Sua my regards for me.”
Mizi softened, “I’m glad you approve, Ivan. I know you see Sua as a sister, and I think for as much as she grumbles, she sees you as a brother too, so I’m happy.”
Ivan couldn’t be too sure on that considering Sua couldn’t care less about anyone that wasn’t Mizi, but he didn’t say anything in protest.
“Anyone could see a mile away that the two of you only had eyes for each other. And it’s not like we’re actually siblings, so whether I approve or not shouldn’t matter.”
“Still, you’re my friend, and I care what you think. Even though we’re the same age, you always act so much more cool and mature, that I look up to you a bit.”
“Oh..”
Hyuna interrupted with a teasing grin, wrapping an arm around Mizi’s shoulder, “It’s time for the celebratory champagne for the lucky couple~! It’s not a party if you’re not getting absolutely hammered!”
Ivan dipped his head Mizi’s way as she was led over to where Sua was, before he went out the door, where Till had gone.
“..I had an idea,” he admitted. “Nothing concrete, just little details here and there. I wasn’t sure so I didn’t want to say anything.” I didn’t want to say anything because you looked so happy, and that were it anyone else I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to see you like that. To see what a Till in love looked like.
“You should have told me. I would’ve.. I dunno.”
Till kicked his feet a little, “Had more time to prepare.”
“Would that have helped you get over it?”
He made a face, “No, but.. I can’t imagine chasing after someone who I know would never like me that way. I would’ve at least tried .”
Till shifted a little before speaking again, “So.. You really don’t like Mizi that way, huh?”
Ivan wasn’t quite sure where Till had gotten the misconception that they were love rivals. “I don’t.”
The younger sighed, before turning to look at him fully, “I need something to distract me. Ivan, who do you like?”
“What does it matter?”
Till frowned at him, “Stop being so evasive whenever I ask you about yourself. You’re always acting so nihilistic. If I’m asking then clearly it matters to me at least right?”
..Ivan liked having Till’s attention on him.
Would he harbor a bigger part of Till’s mind, now that he’d start to let go of his affections for Mizi?
Or would Till be like him, yearning for what could not be, never able to let it go?
“It doesn’t matter because they’d never like me back,” he simply replied.
Till scoffed, “Who wouldn’t like you? You’re so popular with everyone.”
The older of the two started regretting having said anything at all.
“Do you even know for sure? This isn’t you being all depressed thinking we don’t like you, butting in, is it? ‘Cause that’s stupid. If I didn’t like you then we wouldn’t be hanging out.”
“..Till.” But you’ve never had eyes for anyone but Mizi.
He stared at him with determined eyes, “Did they say something to you? Is that why you’re like this? If they are then I’ll beat them black and blue for you. Make sure they take back everything they said.”
Ivan looked away, “..Do you remember.. When we were younger, and there was this thing going around with kissing someone, or kissing their cheek? And.. I asked you if you wanted to try that ‘kissing’ thing. ..You said it was gross.”
“..Oh. I didn’t know you swung that way.”
“I’m not swinging at all,” Ivan deadpanned.
He could feel Till’s gaze on him. “But you know what I mean. Was that really what was holding you back? Ivan. ..I say things but I don’t always mean them. Especially when I was a kid. I can’t remember everything I’ve said so you gotta tell me. Don’t internalize a throwaway comment that I’ve made. And.. Y’know.. Kids think all sorts of things are gross that they don’t now. Like.. cooties.”
“Then.. If I asked you to kiss me now.” Ivan started impulsively, finding his eyes locked on Till’s once more.
“Do you want me to?” The person of his affections turned it on him.
He suddenly felt a bit embarrassed, “..Don’t you still like Mizi?”
Till faltered a little, “Well..”
“..Now that I’ve had time to think about it.. I think.. It doesn’t really bother me as much as I thought.”
“..What?”
“..I thought.. I wanted to be with Mizi, right? In a relationship. But.. Now that I see Mizi and Sua together.. I can’t see myself that way with her. Don’t get me wrong, I like her. I think she’s really cool. But maybe.. My ‘love’ for her isn’t the kind of love for a partner you’d want to be with forever.”
Till closed his eyes for a brief moment, “I thought it was but now that I’ve seen what that kind of love is truly like.. I don’t know. I feel like I need to re-evaluate all my feelings. See what else I might’ve misinterpreted.”
“..Then you should–”
“Ivan, do you like me?”
His mouth opened but no words came out.
“I don’t know how I feel about guys,” he prefaced. “I never took the time to think about it, but.. But if it’s you, then maybe..”
“..If it’s me?” Ivan repeated.
“Even if this isn’t the ‘love’ that’s romanticized in media. Even if this doesn’t work.. You’re special to me, Ivan. I can’t imagine a world without you, and I don’t want you to go somewhere where I can’t reach.”
He laughed a little, “..Maybe it’s because I saw Mizi find something uniquely ‘hers’, somewhere I can’t follow for once. ..But.. ..I’m realizing that at any moment the people I care about could find new interests. Leave. Change, I guess. And I thought about you. Finding someone. ..And I didn’t like it.”
..He didn’t think he was understanding. “..Till, what..?”
“Maybe this is incredibly selfish of me, but.. A part of me feels relieved that you have feelings for me. Because.. Even when I didn’t look your way, when I thought I liked someone else.. You stayed, even then. Stayed even when anyone else would’ve been heartbroken. ..I’d always taken you for granted. I don’t know, I thought you’d keep being clingy to me, barging into my life unprompted. That that was just an unchanged truth. The sky is blue, the earth is round, and Ivan will always be in my life. But that doesn’t mean you can’t leave in the future. ..So I want you to stay. I want to keep you here.”
Ivan would accept anything from Till, even if it was purely born from pity. ..But it was because of that that he couldn’t.
“..You’re just confused, Till.”
“You don’t know that! Stop making assumptions!”
He stood up, “I’m not having this conversation with you when you aren’t of sound mind.”
Till gawked at him, before standing up from the swing as well, “Not of sound mind? I’m as of perfect mind as I can be! We’re not going to just shelf this conversation for later where then you’ll start avoiding me! I know how I feel, and how I feel is that I want you in my life Ivan!”
“You’re just misinterpreting your feelings again.”
“Stop assuming the worst and thinking that it’s correct when it’s not! I can think for myself! I would think I’d have the ability to decide things for myself and not you who isn’t privy to every single thought that goes in my head! ..I know that you’ve been there for me for a long time, and that you might know me better than I know myself in some cases, but.. There are some things you don’t know about me Ivan. That you can’t know about me Ivan because I haven’t shown it.”
“I don’t think you’re gross, Ivan. I don’t hate you. I care about you so so much, so it frustrates me when I see you get stuck in your head like this. When you let all these negative thoughts take over when they have no ground to stand at all! And I don’t like you letting it take over and influence you when I have stated how I feel as plain as I can so it can’t be twisted. I need that voice to shut up, Ivan. Because you don’t get it. That voice isn’t right at all. It’s wrong and all it does is hurt you, make you pull away when you don’t need to at all.”
Till.. Couldn’t feel that way. Because. Because if he did then clearly Ivan did something wrong– As much as he felt so so happy that Till cared about him, he didn’t intend to let him be so close. Didn’t intend to be so close to him because–
Because..
Because if Ivan killed himself then Till would be hurt over it. And Ivan didn’t want that. Ivan just wanted to bask in the presence of Till for just a little bit. Wanted to be selfish, wanted to have his attention even though he knew he wouldn’t get anything out of it. Would’ve had to watch Till love someone else, would’ve had to watch Till kiss someone else, maybe get married, have a family–
And Ivan…
Ivan had been okay with that. Because he didn’t think he’d be by Till for so long to be noticed, to be seen. Had wanted to see him reach his happy ending at least.
He didn’t think he’d live that long.
He’d been careless, but he’d been living thinking that he would kill himself eventually. So nothing felt all that important. Nothing but Till.
Till who made him feel something.
Till who he couldn’t understand.
Till who was so.. So bright in this cruel world.
Till who saw past his act, who was reckless, had found him creepy and pushed him away–
But Till who had let him in at one point. When was that? When Till stopped fighting back so roughly and let him in his company.
When…
When Till kissed him.
A warm press against his lips grounded him, eyes wide as he stared into Till’s teal ones.
..Huh?
Ivan moved his lips, and Till followed him, leaning into the movement.
He tried to move back but Till stopped him, holding an arm around his waist and another at the back of his head. The kiss turned overpowering, like Till was trying to make sure he knew how he felt if it wasn’t getting into his head.
His eyes fluttered, feeling so utterly taken that it was terrifying.
In the secure grasp of Till. Till who was stronger than him even though Ivan was taller.
It was so enthralling that Ivan felt like he was falling in love all over again.
This Till that he’d never seen before. That wanted to overpower, to possess, to love-?
He felt his lips curl up into a smile without his consent, feeling so happy that once again, Till did something he didn’t expect. Did something so interesting, trampling all over what he thought he knew and rewriting it.
Ivan wanted to tell Till not to look at him with those eyes. Those eyes that wanted to see everything that he was, even the bad. Even the terrible. That wanted to pick up his shattered pieces and put them back together again.
To make his existence ‘proof’ of Till’s love.
He closed his eyes, finally embracing it all, until it finally ended. Ivan waited a few more seconds, about to open his eyes when he felt a gentle peck. His face flushed as he stiffened, eyes wide open.
Till smiled at him, “Ivan, you’re my first kiss.”
His breath hitched.
His precious person moved his hand to hold onto his, holding it tightly. Intimately. Like a promise.
“That is my ‘proof’ to you that I feel this way. So I want you to trust in my judgment. Trust that I know what I’m doing.”
Ivan.. ..really. really wanted to believe this.
“I like you, Ivan. So will you be mine?”
Staring at him was the gaze Till used to look at Mizi with. No– Something more.
..Never in his wildest dreams had he thought..
“..You have to stay with me forever. You’re not allowed to leave where I can’t go.” You can’t die just yet, Ivan. I won’t let you.
“Because to me.. You are my happy ending. I can’t imagine a life without you.”
Till moved his hand to move Ivan’s to cup his cheek, leaning into it.
Till was so warm.
“I..”
..
“..I’m yours. Always.”
“..That’s a good answer.”