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yoonji was having a bad day.
She doesn't know what happened to make her feel like this, but it's like a brick of overwhelming negative emotions were thrown at her, her head was pounding and it felt like her chest was gonna rip open and she couldn't breathe.
All she was thinking about is that she needed her mom, she needed her motherly warmth to envelope her to the point where she can't feel anything, she needed her to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay, she needed her to take care of her like she was a child all over again, she needed a mom.
But then, she remembers. She doesn't have a mom anymore.
Maybe yoonji never really had a mom. Her mom never had anything warm or motherly about her, her hold didn't feel safe, yoonji didn't even dare to show any of her emotions when she still had a mom.
Though, she used to tell her that she was her only one and that she would love her and always protect her. Right after yoonji would get beat up by her, yelled at and insulted and humiliated for the most stupid reasons.
Then all of her anger or sadness wouldn't be allowed because her mom said she loves her, and all of her frustration and fear wouldn't be valid in that case.
Eomma loves you. Eomma will protect you yoonji-ah, look how you made eomma cry, you're so selfish yoonji.
you're insane yoonji
Did you think people really love you when you look like this? They're all lying
Don't you dare ignore me yoonji i am your mother, i can yell at you and insult you however i want you're my child
If i ever catch you cutting yourself again i will make sure to do it to you myself
I don't need to punish you, yoonji-ah you already do that to yourself
You're such an attention seeker, why are you not normal yoonji-ah? Why can't you be like all of your peers?
Why do you hate eomma so bad yoonji-ah?
You never want me in your space, you cant even stay with me in the same room. What have i done to you ? I love you and this is how you repay me
I thought you were strong yoonji but you're the weakest person i have ever known
I know your friends are pitting you against me yoonji-ah
I miss when you were just a little kid, back when you would listen and do what i would tell you
You don't wanna go to med school? Is this how you repay your eomma yoonji? After all I've done to give you the best education, that's my only dream, you only want to crush my dreams.
You missed my beating yoonji? It seems like you're begging for one
Why do you hate me so badly yoonji?
I knew you'd end up being a disappointment yoonji, what did i do wrong to have you as a child? I must've done something horrible for you to turn out like this.
Stop acting crazy
One day i'm gonna leave you and never look back You just can't do anything right can you?
It was 3 AM, yoonji was laying down on her back whimpering as quiet sobs leave her lips.
The sounds of all that have been said to her by her mother replaying in her head over and over, echoing like it's happening all over again.
All of the moments she felt helpless and scared and guilty, all of the moments where she felt angry, furious and brave enough to stand up only to be brought down by a single "i love you" from her mom.
She remembers living with her parents, walking on eggshells. She hated it, she hated it so bad, she hated them and hated herself and hated that house, a place she couldn't call home.
She remembers how much anger she held for her mom, where she couldn't even be in the same physical space as her without feeling like she's gonna suffocate, where she couldn't talk normally to her mom. Even when she wasn't fighting with her, yoonji would be talking back, or would just talk coldly. Only to breakdown after alone in her room, unable to understand why she keeps on hurting her mother.
Yoonji knew she was hurt by her mother but that didn't feel like an enough justification for how she acts, but she couldn't stop or help it. She just wated her mom to be as far away as possible, she didn't want anything to do with her. The further her mom is from her, the less likely she's to hurt her like she does everyday.
But yoonji didn't realize it would really happen, she didn't realize her mom would search for her journal and read it, where there were all of her deepest secrets and feelings, where there were pages and pages of her writing about how isolating it is to be a lesbian, or how scared she is of losing her only friend, jimin because of her feelings.
It all happened too quickly, the beating, the yelling, both her parents kicking her out of the house like they've never knew her, her father looked so sad and angry, she doesn't think she's ever seen that expression on his face.
That might have been be the most emotional he's ever been in front of her.
But her mom, she looked ruined. She looked so hurt, so full of sadness and pain. Her lips were trembling and there were tears running down her cheeks, she tried to look angry but it seems that it all went away as she was beating yoonji and spitting on her face and telling her that she's a disgusting freak.
She remembers standing in front the house, hugging her childhood plushie, the only thing she could take with her.
She looked at her parents pleading.
She kept screaming and sobbing
"eomma"
"Eomma, please"
And at one point she forgot why she was even screaming. But all what's left in her memory from that day is that she left and never saw them again.
It's been two years, yet it still keeps following her, that day keeps haunting her, the horrible relationship she had with her mom will always follow her until she dies.
Maybe it's because she's having a bad day, maybe because it's cold and maybe because she kept replying in her head the image of a little girl holding her mom's hand as they walk, she was smiling and telling her mom about her day.
She knows she's supposed to call her girlfriend when she feels like this, but she couldn't bring herself to, she would feel too much like a burden even though the rational side of her brain knew, jimin would never think of her like that.
She continues to cry, eventually sleeping from exhaustion after a while.
---
Jimin has been worried sick for her girlfriend as she didn't respond to any of her texts or calls all day, then right when she decides to get dressed and go yoonji's house, she gets a call from her girlfriend's grandma. Telling her that she heard yoonji sobbing all night and that she locked the door and refused to get out of her room.
The ride to yoonji's house was painfully slow, the bus was overcrowded and there was so much traffic. When jimin finally gets to her stop she runs to yoonji's house. She quickly hugs yoonji's grandma and reassure her that she will do her best.
It's not the first time yoonji deals with this kind of days or mental state but, she knows how draining it is for her girlfriend, how hard it is to try to pick herself up back after it.
Jimin will make sure to be there for her all along. She takes a deep breath once she's in front of yoonji's door, and knocks.
"unnie? Are you sleeping, baby?" At first she gets no response but she can hear yoonji's movement inside, she must've been startled.
"baby can you open the door for me? please?" This time she's met by a long moment of silence, then she hears yoonji sniffles, then the doorknob begins to move before the door opens."
"Don't want you to see me like this" yoonji finally responds, her voice comes out small and unsure. Laced with layers of vulnerability. "I look like a mess" yoonji snorts but it just sounds like she's trying not to cry.
It breaks jimin's heart, how her girlfriend looked like she was trying to make herself disappear, so the younger doesn't hesitate before taking yoonji's hands in hers.
"How about we lay down for a bit? Hmm?" Yoonji nods slowly as jimin gives her a small comforting smile before they both get on the bed facing each other.
Yoonji closes her eyes because she isn't sure how to tell Jimin she's in that state because of some stupid flashbacks without sounding insane, but thankfully her girlfriend doesn't ask her any questions, she just feels the younger's soft hands playing with her hair and caressing her face lovingly.
Everything Jimin does is so full of love and care it makes yoonji wanna cry.
She moves closer to jimin until she's hugging her, her girlfriend just lets her be as she continues to play with her hair and drawing patterns on her back. It makes yoonji instantly relaxed, surrounded by jimin's comfort.
"Can you sing for me?" She gets a kiss on her forehead before jimin covers them both with the blanket and soon her angelic voice rings in the room.
I will take good care of you
I will take good care of you
hearing one of her favorite songs from jimin in this emotional condition was so overwhelming she started crying, probably wetting jimin's shirt in the process, but the younger didn't seem to mind as she continued to sing while hugging yoonji a bit tighter.
i will wash your hair at night
And dry it off with care
Yoonji eventually sleeps, all the voices in her head disappear as her girlfriend sings, and cuddles her even closer to her.
And she knows she's gonna have to talk about it once she wakes up and she's well rested.
But right now she's just thankful for the loving and safe warmth that surrounds her from her girlfriend, trying to forget the shattering loneliness and hurt she felt last night, the same feelings her from two years ago would experience everyday.