Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1
Wilhelm didn’t go to sleep again that morning.

He never slept for long stretches at a time, and his sleep that night had been very sound, so he wasn’t at all tired. He pretended to sleep for a bit though, so Simon could nap. He couldn’t have slept as soundly as Wilhelm had, curled up at the foot of his bed like a little cat.

A little cat. He is little. It’s nice that he’s little. You don’t have to look up so high all day, though he was looking squarely at Simon as he slept on his stomach, one foot sticking out of the blankets, twitching as he dreamt.

Wilhelm wondered if his feet ever twitched like that when he slept.

He rarely had a wheelchair in his dreams, he could usually walk and stand like a normal person. He’d even dreamt of walking with Simon, at least he thought it was Simon. Wilhelm could never see faces clearly in his dreams.

Or in his memories.

My memories don’t feel like dreams. My memories of him feel the same as any other memories I’ve made since I woke up. Fuzzy, yes, but they feel so real.

They feel just like this.

Just like this.

The love you feel in your memories feels just like this, and you know why. No one in the world could ever possibly compare to Simon.

You could never love anyone else the way you love him.

You can love him though.

You’ve always loved him.

Always.

Wilhelm could see Simon’s face clearly now, as the sunlight streamed in through the windows. He looked so peaceful, serene, and relaxed, entirely at ease in a bed he’d slept in more often than Wilhelm had.

“Hey,” he whispered when the man stirred. He stirred because Wilhelm touched him. It was sort of an accident, and sort of an impulse, just so Wilhelm could make sure he wasn’t dreaming now, that he wasn’t simply reliving a memory of sneaking his boyfriend back to his room at school. He’d been hovering his fingers over the exposed skin of Simon’s back, but when he got to his cheek Wilhelm touched it, marveling at how soft Simon’s skin was.

He was never going to get over how soft his skin was.

“Hey,” Simon said, nestling himself into the warmth of the sunlight. “How are you feeling?”

“Good. Little bit of a headache, but that may just be my caffeine addiction,” or my brain working in overdrive. “You?”

“Good, except you’ve got disgusting dick breath.”

Wilhelm put his hand in front of his mouth. Did he? If he breathed into his hand, would it smell like Simon? He did not find the smell of Simon’s dick to be disgusting by any means.

It was delicious.

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do,” Simon argued as Wilhelm blew on his face. “Terrible. Throw-up too. I should’ve made you brush your teeth before we went back to bed,” after they took a piss break. Simon had to go, even though he was ‘spent,’ and insisted Wilhelm should too, offering to help.

’Yeah, why not? You’re probably imagining it was way worse than it was. You cath yourself. It’s no big deal for you. It’s no big deal for me either,’ he said, kissing Wilhelm’s cheek once he’d finished, saying, ‘okay, Simon. No more excuses. Dick touching time is over. Bed. Sleep.’

‘Oh. It’s a turn on?’ Wilhelm asked as Simon washed his hands again.

‘No. It’s not sexual.’ He spun on his heels. ‘Okay, I mean, kind of. Touching a dick? Not sexual. Touching your dick? Kind of. I like having sex with you, so yeah. I guess it’s a tiny bit sexual now. I can’t just forget what else that dick can do, you know?

‘It’s like if you saw a woman breastfeeding a baby? Not sexual. If you saw the mother of your kid putting her boobs away after the baby nodded off? Little bit, right? I don’t know. Girl boobs don’t do it for me.

‘Oh my God! I am shutting up now. I’m too tired for this,’ Simon laughed. ‘I had my penis feeding. I am ready for my nap,’ he said as he left the bathroom. ‘Don’t forget to lock this door when you leave,’ he reminded Wilhelm, latching the bolt from the bathroom to his dressing room. ‘Otherwise I might sneak in through the bathroom someday.’

‘You can sneak in through the bathroom whenever you like, Simon. Or the main door. You can come in my room anytime.’

‘I know. Already did,’ he teased as Wilhelm got back into bed, and Simon snuggled up to his chest, happy to simply be so close to him.

“No, I’ve got it this time,” Wilhelm insisted after Simon woke again. “We should go downstairs for breakfast before anyone is concerned. If you start touching it, I’ll get-“

He was going to say, ‘ideas.’

“You’re already hard.”

Wilhelm chuckled. He was. “Well, I need to stop thinking about the naked man in my bed, and go relieve myself, so, yes. Stop being so adorable!”

“Can’t,” Simon protested, rolling over onto his other side as soon as Wilhelm was out of bed. “Deal with it.”

He hoped Simon would be dressing, or better yet, fully dressed when he came back, so it would be easier to ‘deal with it,’ but Simon was still in bed, eyes closed again.

“Hey,” Wilhelm said, stroking the man’s cheek. “We really should get up.”

“Am,” Simon hummed without opening his eyes. He grabbed Wilhelm’s wrist, then peeked out of his half-closed lids to reach for his face, pulling him down to kiss him. Before Wilhelm knew what he was doing, he was back in bed again, lying over Simon, kissing him. He forgot to brush his teeth, but Simon didn’t complain.

“I like being on top of you.”

“I like being beneath you,” Simon answered, running his fingers through Wilhelm’s hair to hold his neck and the back of his head with both hands. “Told you arm and core strength come in handy for a lot of things.”

“You were right. And didn’t your mother say two workouts a day would be best?”

Simon giggled. “She did. Do you want a morning workout, Wille? I think all the equipment is ready to go. I left it out last night, just in case.”

“Just in case,” Wilhelm repeated, running a hand down Simon’s bare torso as the other man reached for his cock too. He felt his arm against his stomach, but Wilhelm knew, he just knew, that he was already working him.

This was so nice. Wilhelm had changed his mind earlier about not finishing in Simon’s mouth, a request he was more than willing to grant, but he liked this so much too. This was the first way they’d had sex, so it was always going to be special, but Wilhelm just loved touching Simon and being touched by him, especially like this, when he could move his body against the other man’s. It did almost feel like-

“Wilhelm?” A voice from outside the door said, after knocking.

Wilhelm rolled himself off of Simon’s chest to lay beside his giggling bedfellow. “The housekeeper would like to take up breakfast in five minutes. Should I tell her not to wait?”

“No. I’m up.” He was. “I’ll be down shortly. Thanks, Malin.”

“Thanks, Malin,” Simon said in a teasing voice. “I’m up.”

“Why are you like this?” Wilhelm whispered as they lay on their sides smiling at one another.

“Sara trained me. Annoying little brother is a personality trait.”

“You’re not little. Okay, you are,” Wilhelm said as Simon swatted his chest. “Stop it! I like being tall, okay? You can be the buff one, and I’ll be the tall one.”

“That works,” Simon agreed, rubbing Wilhelm’s upper arm. “For now, gym rat.”

For always, Wilhelm didn’t say, thinking about Simon carrying him through the snow up to the house.

“Thank you for rescuing me last night.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Thank you for rescuing me,” Wilhelm said again, with no mention of when.

Simon hummed. “Skip breakfast. Skip everything. Stay in bed. No, come home with me. We’ll both skip.”

“I can’t. I have to get permission from August to leave the grounds. Things with my mother are so tense right now. I’m afraid if I cross him-”

“Sure you can. We’ll have Sara meet us outside. I’ll just throw you in the car, and we’ll drive off. This is a kidnapping.”

“It takes time to fold my-“

“Leave your chair. I’m buff. You don’t need it at Mama’s. And Sara has an old chair in the attic crawlspace you can squeeze into.”

“Squeeze into the crawlspace?”

“The chair, dork! The crawlspace?” Simon said, shaking his head.

“No. I can’t, Simon. I’d like to, but-“

“Of course you can. August can’t control you. He’s gone too far, Wille. Tell him to fuck off, or I’ll tell him we f-“

Wilhelm leaned up, hushing Simon, covering his mouth as he said the next word, ‘fucked,’ even louder.

“Stop it. Don’t be stupid. I can’t provoke him.”

Wilhelm froze.

He didn’t mean to tell Simon he was stupid, and feared he would now scoff, slide off the bed, out from under him, and go, leave, ignore his texts, and not come back this time.

But Simon only tugged Wilhelm’s hand off of his face, covering Wilhelm’s own while smiling and laughing. The little lines around his eyes etched into his cheeks like sunbursts as he whispered, “It’s fine. I’ll take care of you. I’ll do it from now on.”

Did he mean that?

Did Simon mean what Wilhelm thought he meant by that?

Did he mean that he would be to him what he was to Sara, his good man? Wilhelm was sure he was imagining what he thought Simon might be implying, that he’d assume that role, and see to it that his needs were met, and his wants were actually represented. If the courts found him good enough for his sister, why wouldn’t he be good enough for Wilhelm? He’d been coerced to agree to August, but if he no longer consented to be represented by him…

“Aye! Careful with that!” Simon said, grabbing his crotch as Wilhelm moved over him to sit on the edge of the bed and dress. Simon had clearly meant to dress him before putting him to bed. There were fresh clothes stacked on the nightstand, and Wilhelm started putting them on hastily. If he didn’t get dressed he wouldn’t leave. He knew he wouldn’t. He would bed-rot with Simon all day, naked, touching his body whenever the impulse struck, just like it had a few minutes ago.

He’s so beautiful, and touching him feels so good. Why does it have to feel so good? It could’ve simply been as nice as I imagined, but it’s even better. Why does it have to be even better? How am I supposed to be normal about this, and go workout, knowing what his body feels like? What all of it feels like?

Nearly all of it.

“We can talk about this later, when we know we got away with this. Don’t follow me to breakfast,” Wilhelm said, suddenly terrified that there would be trouble if August found out Simon spent the night with him. It didn’t matter that the note he left the other afternoon said not to worry about Simon and his mother. That only made him worry about it more. Why would August ever help him? He’d never helped him before, not that he could remember. Why start now?

Simon looked up at Wilhelm as he transferred to his chair, grabbing the sweater Simon chose for him the night before.

Even the underside of his chin is attractive?

“Okay, so, what? I don’t get any breakfast? I’m always hungry, Wille. Last night took a lot out of me, and it’s been a long time since I had a snack.”

“Well, you should’ve had another snack then, if you’re so hungry. I’ll penisfeed you later,” he teased.

“Wow,” Simon said crashing against the mattress again with another little ‘aye!’ It was springy.

“Just kidding. I’ll bring something up for you. Cardamom bun?”

“Cinnamon. And a coffee. Lots and lots of milk.”

“And a coffee,” Wilhelm repeated, imagining how he could manage bringing an open cup up in the lift. He could just ask Malin to help, and probably would.

Simon will be proud of you for asking for help. You can’t be too proud to make him proud.

“Can you bring it down to the dorms though? I gotta work. I texted Mama earlier, and told her you’d be late for your workout, but that we’d be there eventually. Anette texted me just now though, well, I saw it just now, when you were in the bathroom. Your fucking cousin brought guests back with him, unannounced, and it’s Monday, so only one of the girls is here to help. I said I’d go turn the rooms. I’ll try to go fast, and join you as soon as I can, but your fucking rich fuck friends think this is a four star hotel, and want their beds made with a fucking chocolate on the pillow when they get back from breakfast. Not happening.”

“Five star hotels do that, not four.”

“Okay, fancy-pants. How the hell would I know?” Simon said, laughing, thankfully.

If Wilhelm was bringing him breakfast at work, he would definitely have to ask for help. “Oh. You’re not coming to PT? After your whole let’s run away together plan, I hoped we could at least spend the-

“I’ll ditch if you come with me. You know me, always encouraging delinquency.”

No, Simon should go to work. Things were tenuous enough having him around unquestioned while he was employed at Kaggeholms. If Simon wasn’t working there, especially if he was sacked, it would give August all the more reason to be a dick.

“Well, see you in a bit then,” Wilhelm said, circling back to put on his watch.

“We can spend the afternoon together though,” Simon said quickly. “And you should come visit me in Bjärstad some time. We can have dinner with Mama. Nobody will bitch about that, so long as I get you home at a decent hour,” Simon said, still rocking back and forth in Wilhelm’s bed. He was still laying on it backwards too, so Simon had to lean back to watch him leave

He’s really going to make you leave while he’s naked in your bed? Wow.

“Please?”

“Okay,” Wilhelm replied. Simon was right, he could arrange that, and when did Simon ever ask him for anything? How could Wilhelm refuse him?

2

Less than twenty minutes later, after he hurriedly tried to eat some eggs on a piece of toast, Wilhelm was making his way down the hill with a cinnamon roll and a cheese sandwich for Simon, both wrapped in napkins on his lap, half tucked under his coat, with a cup of coffee in each hand, as Malin pushed him down to the dorms. He assumed Simon would be able to take a short break to eat with him, and thought it would be nicer if they were both having coffee together. It looked like he hadn’t clocked in yet though because he saw Simon not too far ahead on the driveway across the lawn. He stopped for a second, smiling, waving, waiting for Wilhelm to catch up to where he could jog across the lawn to join the two of them, but before they could, Simon rolled his neck, and continued on at a fast clip.

Are we really going down the hill so slowly that he can’t be bothered to wait for me to-

“Wille!” His cousin called out, jogging down from the house on Wilhelm’s side of the lawn, with one of his friends in tow.

Oh. Good call, Simon.

“Good morning,” Wilhelm replied, motioning to Malin not to stop. They’d catch up to him soon enough.

“How are you doing? Sleep well?”

“As well as can be expected.” It was hard for Wilhelm to imagine ever getting a full night of sleep with Simon in his bed. No matter, he was always tired anyways.

“Last night was fun. Shame you weren’t feeling up to joining us.”

“I am spent,” August’s friend, Victor? Vincent? Something like that said.

’I am spent’ Wilhelm remembered Simon saying as he sprawled out, arms and legs draped over Wilhelm, and the whole mattress, after he sucked him off. Wow, the man said.

It was that sort of night for August and his group? Wilhelm couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought.

“So, what happened last night? You disappeared. We checked on you.”

Fuck.

“I told Alexander I was going to have a cigarette before I went back to my room, and then I went down for another one later, maybe two. I was tired but couldn’t sleep,” because Simon was in my bed, and we woke up to fuck.

“I came to check on you when I got in. You were having a cigarette that late? It must have been after twelve.”

“Okay. You got me. I drank a bottle of wine on an empty stomach, out on the terrace. I thought I’d have a glass or two to help me sleep, but I can’t reach the glasses in the kitchen, so I was drinking straight from the bottle, and ended up finishing it. I don’t remember what happened after that, but, you know, full-time bodyguards,” Wilhelm said, nodding back at Malin. “I’m fine. Got back to bed safely, and slept it off.

“I’m headed to go workout. Would you two like to join me?”

“Uh, I have not slept it off,” Vincent, Wilhelm was almost sure his name was Vincent, replied.

“If you were up, you should’ve joined us, Wilhelm!”

He tried not to snicker. No, he would not be joining them while he was up.

“It’s never fun to drink alone.”

“I’ll remember that.” He would remember that particular night for the rest of his life. “Thank you. Where are you headed?” Wilhelm asked, because he didn’t actually want his cousin and his loyal follower to shadow him. Thankfully, they were going down to the dock to smoke, so once he was on the path between the buildings, Wilhelm was free to take a quick detour.

“Here, a sweet and a savory. Thanks, Malin,” Wilhelm said as he locked his wheels just inside the doorway of the dormitory. “Sorry, the coffee probably got a little cold.”

“I like iced coffee better anyways. Thank you.”

“Nice to see you this morning, Simon. Did you go out with the boys last night too?” Malin asked.

“Uh, no,” Simon said slowly. “Sara gave Felice a ride over late last night, and I just crashed here for a few hours, since I had to work this morning. Joy of joys, August invited a butt-ton of people over yesterday,” Simon said, rolling his eyes. “I really should get cracking here, Wille. I don’t know if they’re staying another night, or what.

“Sorry,” Simon sighed. “I know, I was just, like, ‘let’s be lazy today!’ But I’ve got to bust ass. Go workout for a bit. Can you spot him, Malin? I’ll trade you some of Mama’s cookies. Bro hates the nurse on duty right now.”

“So do I,” Malin nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Do you think this one is up for a workout though?”

“Right here,” Wilhelm said, rolling his eyes at both of them, even though their exchange was actually adorable.

“Well, decide what you want to do, and kiss your boyfriend goodbye, Wille,” Malin directed with a laugh.

Simon looked down at him as if to ask, ‘can we? Are we?’

As if Wilhelm could ever say no to him.

3
Wille was waiting for Simon after work. He announced that Malin was over by the dock before kissing him, slowly this time, saying they should wander that direction.

“So, when should we plan this dinner at your house? Should we make it our weekly Friday party?”

“Mama’s working Friday.”

“Good,” Wille whispered.

“Saturday,” Simon offered instead. “And you have to bring something. It’s polite.”

“Can you make that dish you made last weekend?”

“No. I am not going to have a boyfriend who only eats the same three things all the time. I can make arepas, but I’ll put something different inside this time. Maybe eggs? You like protein, right?”

Simon said boyfriend very intentionally.

“Am I your boyfriend?”

“No. You didn’t ask me to be your boyfriend. I’m just saying, I am not ever having a boyfriend who-“

“Simon, I want you to be my boyfriend.”

Simon smiled. He liked this. He liked that sometimes Wille didn’t ask, he told him what he wanted, point blank. His ex, that one, had trouble being direct sometimes.

He was fucking sixteen! But say what you want about this Wille being young, or inexperienced, he knows what he wants.

“Okay. I do need to go home tonight though. Mama has questions. I can stay over tomorrow though, if you want. How long are August’s friends staying? Do you know?”

“They’re going back this evening, after dinner, so that’s perfect. Absolutely perfect, Simon. What should we do?”

Each other.

“Should I plan something?”

“We can just hang out after dinner tomorrow, Wille. You don’t have to take me on dates.”

“Oh. This is me throwing myself at you Simon.”

Oh, shit. That was direct.

“What I mean is-“

“You like to plan, and I’m kind of spontaneous, but I get that you like to plan, so let’s not plan to do anything too different than last night until Saturday. Is that okay?”

If they’d had any kind of spontaneous sex the night before it would’ve been one thing. They were both definitely caught up in the moment of wanting to be with each other so damn much that anything would’ve made perfect sense. But if they were going to plan to do something different, Simon thought they should probably actually plan for that, and see how much Wille knew or remembered.

This isn’t a bad idea. You just became boyfriends fifty seconds ago. Waiting five days to try anal isn’t your worst idea. And you’re not saying no sex, Simon was definitely not saying that, just not like that. You really should prepare for that, duh, but like you really should. Go to the store, get some unexpired supplies, and you know you’re kind of going to have to walk him through it, so yeah. This is a good plan.

His boyfriend wasn't smiling as he nodded, so Simon grabbed the ends of his scarf before kissing him.

“You don’t think we should do anything new until then?“ Wille asked, visibly crestfallen.

Well, no, but you’re not going to hear that word come out of my mouth, so maybe.

“Can you hear what goes on in Felice’s room?” Simon asked, watching a knowing smile spread across Wille’s face before a little, “oh,” slipped out.

Wille’s oh’s weren’t always little.

“Exactly. My house is actually private, even if we do have to take a bodyguard with us.”

“No, I mean yes. I understand. Sorry about that. I think I was a little-”

“You aren’t a little anything,” Simon teased, elbowing Wille’s shoulder. “Not a complaint."

Not a complaint at all. After seeing and hearing Wille have sex with him twice, knowing how much he enjoyed it the first time wasn’t a fluke, and knowing Wille wanted Simon like that, made it a little easier not to feel sorry for him.

He did though. Simon was probably always going to feel a little sorry for Wille, even though he hated other people’s pity himself. He felt bad for Sara too, and knew she hated that, but some feelings couldn’t be turned off.

He tried to turn off his feelings for you too, and he didn’t even last a day, so maybe that’s okay? Your feelings are your feelings. Nothing you can do but feel them.

“What are you thinking about?” Wille asked as Simon stared at him as they made their way out to the edge of the dock. He stood in front of him, playing with the ends of his scarf again.

“My friends and I used to swim here all the time, especially in summer, when the school was on break,” was a plausible redirection.

Simon was actually thinking about having sex, obviously. He probably wasn’t worried about the same things Wille was worried about when it came to doing anything different, but he was a little worried.

Who wouldn’t be a little worried? You know it’s probably his first time. You know this isn’t going to be the best sex, though, did he know that? He’s good at what he does. Like, damn! If you weren’t in love with him before, he was, you’d be falling pretty hard right now anyways. The sauna was good, but that was on you. Last night, or this morning, or whatever? That was on him. That was the nicest fucking blow job. Like, it was just nice, you know? He was trying to be nice. He was enjoying himself, which is nice, but he really wanted it to be nice for you too, I think.

Yeah, he must’ve wanted it to be nice for you. He even said, like, if you were enjoying yourself, and you liked it, and it was good for you, it wouldn’t even matter if you could do the same things for him, which, damn, you sure can.

Damn! That boy can cum!

Simon didn’t want to say anything about it, he didn’t want to make shit weird, or make Wille feel self conscious, but, he was totally thrusting in your mouth there at the end. Like, those were thrusts. There is no other word to describe that. Maybe it’s the difference between an L-1 versus T-12 injury? You’re used to Sara’s paralysis, and his chart even says incomplete injury. That left leg of his is a tricky fellow isn’t it? Twitchy fellow?

Simon shook that thought out of his head as Wille began to speak.

“They made me try swimming at Skogsbacken. I’d like to think I was never a good swimmer, but I am certainly not a good swimmer now. My family has a lake house though, so I think that’s just wishful thinking.”

“We can practice when it warms up, so, like, in June or July. Even in May the lake is cold. I can teach you though. Arm and trunk strength come in handy, remember?”

“Did you have to say handy?” Wille laughed. “So, you don’t want to go swimming right now then?” Wilhelm said, loosening his scarf. “Not a polar bear? I’d love to see my boyfriend naked again before lunch. Malin will rescue me if I start to drown. Let’s go.”

“Nej, Wille!” Simon said, grabbing the scarf again to pull himself down to kiss his boyfriend.

He caught Wille looking back at Malin, chatting with some guy from the stables, as he stood up. “Do you think they’re talking about us?”

“No, probably just discussing the weather. We’re too boring to gossip about. No drama,” Wille declared.

I wish. Guess it’s not really our drama though, just your fucking family who hates me, and is only going to hate me more after I deflower their son. Re-deflower? Fuck. Yeah, that. After I fuck their son.

“Wondering if we’re going to be really fucking stupid and try to swim?” Simon asked.

Wille hummed. “The water looks cold today!” He called back to Malin.

Simon put his hands on Wille’s thighs, leaning his forehead against his. “You’re such a dork. I thought you were a cool party prince. You’re just a hot dork.”

“I thought you were a pop star in the making. You’re just a sexy nurse.”

“We are too boring to gossip about!” Simon exclaimed, patting Wille’s thighs before he circled behind him. He didn’t ask if Wille cared if he pushed his chair, and could tell he didn’t when he reached behind his shoulder to rub his hand.

This is the most boring relationship. It’s been, like, a minute, and look at us. We’re just two nerds going on an afternoon stroll.

It’s nice though. There’s no tension anymore, and nerds are always crazy in bed. Don’t knock this.

“So, you’re going home for dinner too?” Wille asked as they headed back up to the castle.

“I really should.”

“And I can’t tempt you into coming back later tonight?”

“Nah. We’re going to have a game night. I don’t want to cancel on everybody.”

Simon kind of did want to cancel on everybody though. He felt bad enough leaving Wille alone that morning, but Anette seemed frantic about the situation down in the dorms. She was really bent out of shape about it, so Simon knew he couldn’t excuse himself from work that morning.

He could excuse himself from game night with his friends and family, but he knew he shouldn’t.

You always pull away from everyone else when you’re in a relationship. Wille’s not an idiot. He knows you have other people in your life. This is fine.

“It’s silly but-“

“What are you going to play?” Wille asked, even though it was silly.

“I don’t know, a board game, so I’ll be bored. I don’t have to go for a while though. I mean, lunch, yeah, but I can stay for a bit this afternoon too. Mama’s cooking, so I’ll just leave in time to get home for dinner. Cool?”

“Cool. Text me to let me know you got home safe. I’ll text back, and it won’t be a semi-coherent string of delusions this time. Promise.”

“You ever sext someone before?” Simon asked.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out. Sext me when you go to bed.”

4

Simon: Well… I lost. Not even second place. I LOST.

Wilhelm: Sorry about that.
It’s late, I was beginning to think you weren’t going to text again.

S: I had to concentrate on the game!
They were winning!
They totally colluded.
You in bed?

W: I’m sitting at my desk.
I’m in bed now.

S: Well, you were too slow.
Now I’m in the kitchen getting some fruit.
I eat a lot of fruit.

W: You eat a lot.
That looks harsh.
I didn’t mean it to be harsh… I’m just confused as to where it all goes.

S: I don’t know.
I’m pretty active?
And this is just fruit.
Fruit doesn’t count.

W: I don’t like fruit.

S: Shit.
I am a fruit.

W: Well, I like you.

S: I like you too.
And I like having a piece of fruit before bed.
Guess I’ll have to start making it two.

W: Am I the other fruit?

S: Yes, Wille.
I was going to say I eat a lot of dick… I don’t think I do though.
I COULD eat a lot of dick?

W: Please don’t.
You’re not supposed to actually eat it, Simon.

S: Yeah… I’ll choke.
I’ll just suck on it I guess.

W: Your lips are so beautiful when you do.
God… that looks weird written down.
Sorry.
I guess I can’t sext.

S: Nah.
Yours do too.
You get so pink.
All over.
You’re so pink.
I like pink.

W: See, I tried to write ‘I like brown,’ but that sounds like something ELSE!

S: Yeah, don’t eat that.
WHAT AM I SAYING?!?
You can eat my ass anytime you want.

W: I am almost positive I have never done that before.
I wouldn’t have any idea what to do.

S: You seriously never watch porn?
Guys rim in porn, like, all the time.
Do you only watch straight porn, or something?
You should watch some gay porn, Wille. Way better.

W: Okay, so I’ve seen it in porn.
I’ve never done it though.

S: You ever go down on a woman?

W: Yes.

S: I’m assuming it’s kind of the same.

W: Can’t be.

S: Well, okay, there’s no clit to find… but I know folks tongue that hole too. Just do that.

W: This is a stupid question, and not at all sexy.
How?

S: What do you mean how?
You just do it… I don’t know!
I’ve never had to explain rimming before.

W: Do you just lick the outside?

S: You can lick the outside, yeah.
It’s nice when guys like… tongue it too though… you know?
Like…just put your tongue there in and play around.
I’m not an expert, but I’ve also never had a bad rim job.

W: Well… that’s a streak I am going to break.

S: You’re definitely overthinking this.
And you don’t have to eat my ass if you don’t want to.

W: I think this conversation has been somewhat misleading.
I do want to.
Maybe you can walk me through it?

S: It’s kind of hard to explain how to fuck.
I was just thinking, how would you explain how to give someone a blow job?
You just put it in your mouth, and do it.
I don’t know!
This is so funny.

W: Okay good.
I’m lying in bed cracking up.

S: Me too!
Looks like we’re both bad at sexting.
Wait… I am not bad at sexting.
Let’s start over.
Are you touching yourself?

W: No.
I always type this slow.

S: Okay. Me too.
Definitely not rubbing my sack right now.

W: I am actually not doing that.
I’m stroking my cock.
Slow though.

S: You ever fuck someone before?
And now I am using fuck like you did last night…
Like you ever put it in? Somewhere below the belt?

W: I’m sure I did, but I don’t remember.

S: Not even with your boyfriend?

W: Well…
But I probably just made that up.

S: You made up fucking him?
Topping?

W: Yes.

S: You like it?

W: Yes. I liked it, or I like the idea of it.

S: I don’t know if it’s safe for me to top you.
I will physically get on top though.
It’s fun.. I think… to get on top of a guy and just hold it too, hand job style.
Either you hold each other’s dick, and the top guy, like, sort of fucks, or you hold your own and do it, or hold them together
Like dry humping… but not dry because you keep going till everybody cums.

W: That sounds amazing.

S: Yeah. I like it.

W: I’m sure I would too.
We sort of did that last night, but it was just me.
That WAS amazing.

S: I mean it when I said I like being beneath you too.
Like that, or just kissing, but I’d bottom with you.
Could do it on top, easy, but I could do it with you on top too.
Teamwork.
Gotta work on your push ups… because that sounds sick
You on top of me, in my ass, both of us moving…

W: It does… but I don’t think I can move the right way for that.
Sorry.

S: Okay so you’re picturing classic dude on his knees pounding another dude in the ass hip thrusts?
It doesn’t have to be like that.
There’s lots of other ways to do it.
And hey, I can always sit on your lap.

W: You can.

Wilhelm had to stop touching himself as soon as he typed that. Simon wanted to do that? Obviously, he’d just suggested it, and he’d suggested it before too. No one forced his hand.

Why would he say it if he didn’t mean it?

Wilhelm wasn’t paying attention to his body as they were texting, or sexting, and almost came the minute he pictured Simon’s thighs pressing against his, maybe his chest too, with Wilhelm holding onto his neck, kissing him, and Simon panting in his ear, whining.

Since he wasn’t touching himself, he could type with both hands now.

W: Does that feel good for you?
Because if it doesn’t, I don’t want to do it.
I do want you on my lap like that, but we could just hold each other’s cocks, or something. I won’t be able to feel the difference.

S: Yes you will.
Trust me.
You’re thinking too much about what it will feel like on your dick.
You have a whole beautiful body, Wille, and your whole beautiful body will feel the difference, trust me.
Your dick will too though.

He did.

S: Everything’s different like that.
It feels so different for me.
Let me stress that you can still hold my dick during because yeah… do that.
But it’s so different.
Let me also stress that I like it.
It feels VERY GOOD for me.
Should’ve led with that.
It’s a very different feeling though.
Like, fucking a guy or getting fucked by a guy?
It feels very fucking different.
I like all the different kinds of jobs, stressing that too, but it’s very different.
It’s A LOT more intense when I have a guy inside me.
Like, when I cum, it’s not just ‘hey your dick feels good… let’s go!’
My dick does feel good but it’s a real different feeling.
GOD this is hard to explain!
I’m trying!
When a guy is fucking my ass it’s, like, so much all at once.
Maybe I am just really into it? I don’t know.
But ,like, I don’t just feel him in my ass, or like that feeling, I DO LIKE IT, but it doesn’t just feel good on my dick or in my ass. It takes over my whole body.
The orgasm is so intense.
It’s like every muscle, not just my dick muscles, or my ass muscles, every single one is in on it.
I feel good all over.
The feeling when I cum is so overwhelming.
Like, every time I cum like that it’s like, how does this feel so good?
I cum so hard.

Wilhelm tried to touch himself as he read Simon’s messages coming across his phone screen, but the second he grazed his cock he almost came.

W: Maybe that’s what it feels like for me?
I don’t feel it in my dick.
I mean my body must register it, but I don’t feel that contact.
But I get that, the moment you want to die because it feels so good.
That’s how it feels for me.
I feel it over the rest of my body.
It’s like I feel it everywhere else, where I can feel things, I mean.
Right before I cum is best though.
I just felt that a minute ago… almost came… but I stopped so I can feel it again.
The before moment is almost better.

S: I like that, Wille.
I like that it feels like that for you… that it’s all over.
Anybody ever play with your ass?

W: No. I haven’t been with anybody like that.

S: Hey!
I’ve got a body.

W: Except you.

S: You remember doing that though?
Fucking your boyfriend?
The boyfriend playing with you?

W: I do.
It’s not clear though.
None of my memories are.
It was like that though, the time I remember.
He was sitting on my lap.
It’s probably because, by then, I knew that was the most likely way for me to do that in the future.

S: OR hear me out
It’s because that’s how you fucked him.
You don’t feel like somebody who’s never touched another guy before, Wille.
I kind of believe it happened.

W: Maybe.
I don’t know.
I literally don’t know.
And I’m taking that as a compliment, that I don’t touch you like someone who has NO IDEA what they are doing.

Wilhelm sighed aloud. Maybe that’s because you’ve touched him before? Kind of?

S: Yeah, but it’s like rimming or blow jobs.
It’s kind of self explanatory.
You know how good it feels to be touched, and you know what feels good when you’re touching me, so you just do it.

W: I guess so.
You feel so good Simon.
I could touch you anywhere.

S: Do that.
Where do you want to touch me right now?
Tell me, so I can do it.

Your ass.

Wilhelm did not write that.

W: Oh God… everywhere?

S: Okay, I’ll put my dick away, and just start rubbing myself down all over, like I’m putting on lotion.
Is that doing it for you?

W: Kind of?
I would love to lotion you all over.
I love lotion.

S: You love lotion?
Your skin is DRY!

W: I don’t have any with me. I don’t know what happened to mine when I moved.

S: Want me to pick you something up?

W: No…
I’m very spoiled, Simon.
I like my expensive lotion.
I should order some.

S: Yeah… then you can put it on me.
Okay… that does sound hot.
Still going to stop at the store though.
Lube and condoms are a must, bro.
We got gloves already.

W: At the risk of sounding like an idiot, what are the gloves for?
Please don’t say handjobs.
Your cock feels so amazing to touch.
It’s so soft.
I don’t think I’ve ever held a baby… but I don’t think babies are that soft.

S: I’ll pretend you didn’t just say I have a soft, baby dick

W: I DID NOT SAY THAT!
I meant your skin is soft.
Your cock is not soft.

S: Just messing
It’s hard as fuck Wille.

W: The skin is soft though.
I don’t think there’s anywhere softer.
The head of your cock is so smooth.
I was trying to think of what to compare it to… I can’t.

S: The gloves are for my ass.

Simon circled back to that.

W: Okay.

S: You don’t have to touch it with gloves on if you don’t want to… just wash your fucking hands.
Sometimes it’s easier though… then you don’t have to get up to wash your fucking hands.
Mama drilled it into me… ‘barrier always during anal play, Simon!!!’
I’m bad though.

W: Bad as in you don’t always do that?

S: I mean, I try to always fuck with a condom. I make an effort.
I like fingering though.
I mean I like getting fingered… but I like fingering a guy’s ass, and really feeling it too.
I’ll wash my hands.
I’d be comfortable fingering you.
I mean, that’s a little different than bottoming.
My dick is bigger than my finger.
And, like, when you’re fucking, it’s harder to feel what’s going on for your partner because your dick is like OMG THIS!!!!
But when you’re fingering a guy, you’re not literally getting off on it, so you can pay attention.
And it’s gentler.
You’re not repeatedly pounding it, or whatever, and you’re not going to thrust inside it like that.
Fingering a guy you’re just, like, getting things feeling good.
It feels real good to get fingered.
A guy fingers you while he’s working your dick or blowing you?
MIND BLOWINGLY GOOD!
Like, any orgasm with your ass involved is INSANE!
Love!!!
You might like it too.
This is so unsexy… but I’d be up for fingering you someday if you’re comfortable with that, and you WANT to.

W: Yes

Wilhelm was touching himself again. And, if any orgasm with your ass involved was INSANE, which he was interpreting to mean Simon got the same whole body feeling he described when getting fucked, then yes, Wilhelm did want to try that.

W: Yes to both.
If YOU want to.
You don’t have to go to the trouble of fingering me if it’s not something you enjoy.

S: JFC
I enjoy touching you. It’s not fucking trouble.
Like, it’s not like every time I touch you I’m thinking ‘oh shit, does this feel good for him?’
I want it to, but sometimes it’s just for me, just because I like touching you.
I like touching your dick.
I like grabbing your ass.
I like rubbing my legs on yours.
I really, really liked holding you in that fucking window.
It was nice to just hold you like that, and feel your butt up against my thigh, and caress your little pony pj legs.
Like, it doesn’t make sense to me not to like that.
Shit… this looks so selfish written down.
I know you can’t feel it, but I’m doing it with feeling.
Like, genuine question, is it nice when I touch you in places you can’t feel it? For you? Because it’s still nice for me, but if it’s not for you, I’ll just try not to do it so much, and touch your top half.
But to me it’s nice.
Maybe it’s even a little more nice than touching someone else’s legs.
Like anybody else wouldn’t think anything of that.
Maybe they’d be like, ‘okay, it feels good when Simon touches my legs and grabs my ass’ but it would be kind of expected, you know?
Is it unexpected for you?
I feel like it’s unexpected.
You don’t even believe me when I say you’re hot, and I think your body is attractive.
I think you’re thinking like, ‘okay the top half is okay… I guess.’
I’m not saying that though, or thinking it.
I think all of you is hot.
I think your fucking ankles are hot.
That’s not me being silly.
Like, they’re so soft, Wille, like where the hair stops, on your ankle bone… so soft!
I was trying to be real straight in bed (HAH! Nope. So gay!) so I could rub them with mine. That feels good to me.
And yeah, guess it is selfish because I know you can’t feel it, so it’s just for me, but in my head it’s for you too.
In my head it’s like I’m showing you it’s all of you… all of you is sexy. I want all of you.
Please tell me you’re just cumming, and I’m not sitting here digging a real deep hole, being all problematic about touching your legs.
I’m going real slow here so I can type… also doing that real slow… because I’m thinking about lying in bed with you all tangled up in your legs and arms, and you’re touching me while I’m touching you, holding each other, grinding, and kissing… not just beating each other off.
I want to feel your body all over mine.
And yeah, sorry you can’t feel mine all over yours, but you can know I’m doing it, and that I like it.
Like, you can feel me moving with you, and you can see me touching you, and I guess I hope that counts for something because I want to do that so fucking bad, Wille.

Wilhelm knew he was going to cum when he read, ‘I feel like it’s unexpected.’

This was so fucking unexpected he didn’t have words to describe how unexpected it was. Wilhelm made the choice to just keep masturbating and reading, thinking he was just about to cum, but he burned in the almost for quite a while, unable to even stop touching his cock after he came, fingers in his cum, rubbing it into his skin.

He’d rub himself raw if it came to that.

He had to say something though, and let go of his now flaccid cock, licking his palm before wiping his hand on his bedspread. He’d have to ask housekeeping, and not Simon, to wash it in the morning.

W: I don’t know what to say.
Sorry… just staring at my phone.
It is nice when you touch me in places I can’t feel it.
I don’t think I realized how nice it is.
Sorry, and I was cumming too.
That’s why I stopped typing.
No it’s not.
I was reading what you sent, and thinking about it.
It’s kind of overwhelming.
It’s overwhelming to touch you, anywhere, and have any of you touch any of me, but reading that was hotter than reading about fucking you, or what orgasms feel like, or even thinking about you doing all these new things to me.
I hate my body.
It feels wrong to me.
All over. Everywhere. It feels wrong to be in this body.
But if it feels right to you, then maybe it’s just me who is wrong?
And it doesn’t feel wrong when you’re touching me.
It feels very right
I mean my body feels wrong still, but nothing about how you touch me feels wrong.
That only feels right.
You’re so beautiful Simon.
Everything about your body is so perfect maybe it does feel wrong to touch you with mine… but I don’t fucking care.
I want to touch you everywhere.
I want to do everything with you.
I wish my body even came close to yours, which it doesn’t, obviously, but please don’t think I’m not feeling enough.
I can’t cope with how much I feel when you’re touching me.
Please don’t stop touching my legs.
Please touch my ass.
Please let me touch you.
I want to touch you everywhere. I want to be inside you everywhere.
I wanted to stick my thumb in your mouth when we were in bed, when you were touching me. My tongue was not enough.
I do want you to finger me.
I want you inside me too, however and wherever that can be.
Both.
Everything.
I hate that you went home tonight, and you’re not in bed with me.
I want to lick the sweat off your forehead, and bite your shoulder.

And Wilhelm hoped Simon wasn’t replying now because he was busy touching himself, not because Wilhelm had gone completely off the rails. He watched as his phone showed that Simon was typing, and sighed with relief.

S: The thumb thing… you should do that.
Totally came at the thumb thing.
You can bite my shoulder too.
You can do whatever you want to my body, Wille.
I know it’s not a selfish thing.
Like, guys can be selfish. They want to see how much they can do to you… how much they can get away with… and it’s not about you feeling good.
If you want my body to feel half as good as you make me feel inside… like, yeah. Take it. Do whatever you want to me.
I want you to.
You make me feel things Wille…

Simon ended his message with an ellipsis, but another line of text did not follow.

W: Without scaring you, I am sure I am about to do that, but I’ve always wished I died in the accident.
My first memory of waking up was how much everything hurt and how much I wanted to die.
You make me feel alive.
If the trade off for feeling alive is living in this stupid, wrong body… fuck. I’ll take it.

That was too much.

It was definitely too much to say over text where, instead of being a fleeting moment where he put that thought to words aloud, Simon could see his words etched across his phone in abject truth.

S: I was numb before I met you.
Ironic.
Very numb.
And cold… but I’m supposed to be a warm person, you know?
You’re so hot… you heated me right up, Wille.
Can I stay over tomorrow night?
I can pretend to leave, like, we can make a big show about me leaving, and I’ll just sneak back in through the bathroom.
I think if I had a car I’d be in it right now.
I want to lay you out on the bed and kiss you all over.
Pick the cum out of your pubic hair.
Smell you.
Everything.

Wilhelm agreed to Simon staying over the next evening, as if he would say no, and fell asleep sure that no one in the history of mankind had ever made picking dry cum out of pubic hair sound so loving.

5

“And you’re sure your mama has to work? But will go on up to the house even knowing I’m not there?” Wille asked Simon over the phone on Saturday afternoon. Simon didn’t stay for an afternoon workout. He had to go home to clean.

“Wille!” Simon said, laughing. “She’s going to go after dinner. Swear. She’s picking up a shift at the hospital.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s nice? I don’t know. Someone called, and asked if she would cover, and she said yes. Besides, she knows damn well why you’re coming here.”

Cumming here.

“Why though? Why is she picking up shifts at the hospital? My mother didn’t-“

“Your mom didn’t threaten her with shit, Wille. I talked to her though, your mom.”

Simon sighed over the phone. “We can talk about this later, you know? I am going to see you in, like, an hour.”

“Well, I’m going to worry about this for, like, an hour, more probably because I’m not going to want to talk to you when I see you.”

“Gee, thanks, Wille.”

“Sorry. I meant that as a compliment not… No, I’m still sorry. We can talk when I get there.”

Simon knew Wille was going to worry about it until then though.

“So,” he began, “she talked to all the nurses, even the one who quit, me, and all I said was, and, I mean, she knows this, it’s good for you to take care of yourself. If you have a nurse around all the time you’ll know, in the back of your mind, if you feel like dicking around, and not following your schedules, bed-rotting and not getting up to work on your coursework, not taking care of yourself, or getting exercise, that safety net is there. And you have that safety net with me too, obviously,” Simon needed to drive this point home, “and I’ll always do whatever you need me to do, but it’s less desirable for you, so you rarely ask, even though I don’t mind.”

“I think you underestimate how much I hate asking for help.”

“Nah. I don’t. You hate asking me the most though. And you do more shit, just in general, whenever I’m around, so why not just keep me around and cool it with the nurses twenty-four seven, you know? That’s all I said.

“I’m good for you,” Simon continued, more than a little smug. “And your mom wants you to succeed, for your sake, and the less support you actually have the better it is for you.

“I mean, I want to support you too, but it’s different with me, you know? I’m not your nurse. I’m just your guy. You want to look good in front of your guy. I didn’t say that though, obviously, just that we’re real good friends, but August is right, you did need a pretty boy to motivate you. I’m a pretty boy.”

“I think you underestimate what a beautiful man you are, Simon.”

“Nah. I know I’m a ten. Chill.” Simon swallowed. “Mama knows I want to be with you too, and Mama knows I can take care of you. It’s what’s best for me too. Like, she knows I’d feel better not feeling like there was a mean, old nurse breathing down my neck when we’re hanging out together. Even if it wasn’t better for you, she’d say the same thing to your mom because it’s what’s best for me, and she’s my mama. I’m her top priority,” though Simon knew that was an overestimation. Linda’s children, plural, were her top priority, but if ever it came down to who needed her more, it wasn’t him. Simon could take care of himself.

Mostly.

“It’s bad enough with the bodyguards. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Mama knows how much I hate that.”

“You hate that?”

“Yeah. I mean I get it, your mom is worried about your safety, okay, but it’s like we never have any privacy at all. There’s always people listening.”

Simon hated that. It made every word feel private because none of them were.

And when they were together it was worse. Simon could get back into the house after dinner relatively undetected, the staff weren’t going to say shit, but even going in through the bathroom, it was obvious when Wille was talking in his room, and obvious when they were doing more than talking.

’Oh my God. I love this. Oh God, Simon. Jesus,’ Wille said as he entered him with a finger for the first time.

‘Okay, yeah, it’s heaven, shh. You’ve felt an ass before, Wille,’ he whispered as the man moaned. ‘Nothing new.’

‘Everything new,’ and, fuck, if Simon wasn’t stifling a moan too.

‘You do this everyday, Wille.’

‘No, I don’t. I do…’ he stilled himself. ‘I do something back there everyday. It’s not this.’

No, it wasn’t, though that was an idea.

‘You could finger your own ass too, see how you like it, you know? Then I wouldn’t feel so-‘ nervous about it.

‘Shh,’ Wille hushed. ‘I don’t need them thinking I’m in here doing that.’

‘You’re in here doing that. Malin’s queer. She’s cool,’ Simon said, more as a reminder to himself.

Malin was cool. He wasn’t so sure about the other guards, which was why their planned overnight trip to Simon’s was all the more necessary.

It wasn’t going to be an overnight trip though. Cinderella had to get back before midnight. Simon almost put a plug in before Wille got there just so they could get right to it when they finally shoved his mother out after dinner. And maybe, some other time, that would be a good idea. Not this time though.

It’s his first time. You can’t rush him.

He wanted to rush him though. Simon was not going to complain if this went quickly, even if he didn’t cum, because the thought of saying goodbye to Wille afterwards was fucking heartbreaking. He could follow behind them on his bike, true, and sneak himself back into Wille’s room to join him in bed all night, but he would still have to let go of him, watch him dress, and say goodbye. Even if it was a short goodbye, it was still a goodbye.

Simon hated those.

We only got to do this a couple of times, he thought to himself, remembering the year he was sixteen and in love. It wasn’t even a year, October to May, eight months, separated by school breaks, and breaks of their own devising. They only had anal sex a few times, and for the same reason, there was no privacy. They were supposed to do it more. They were just getting the hang of it, Simon had just fucked his boyfriend the way he was going to fuck Wille, a few weeks earlier, but they had plans to spend their summer at Wille’s favorite vacation house, fucking one another’s brains out. They’d perfected a quiet blowjob or hand job, but just the sound of the stupid dorm beds, the same stupid dorm bed his Wille had now, was loud. They couldn’t wait to be somewhere private where they could just scream.

Simon shook the sound of the boy screaming, out of his mind as the doorbell rang.

“Hey,” Wille said, grinning like an idiot as Simon opened the door. Thankfully Malin had come with him, not one of the other guards. Linda refused to serve a meal to three people, when there were four in her home, but sharing the table with Malin would be fun. Simon liked her. Not just because she was queer, or because she was cool, she was just cool. It was almost as if Malin felt as though she was providing a very different service for Wille than the other two guards.

’I see why Kristina wants him to have protection, I do, but I’ve always told her, the boys need a chance to be boys. They need space! Erik was older when that became a necessity, but Wille grew up like this. He was eleven or twelve I think, and now I can say he truly doesn’t remember a time when having protection wasn’t the norm.

And it was one thing at the center, but here? There would be better ways to secure his residence, like actually securing his residence, that would be safer and give him more personal peace of mind. You too.’

Simon really liked Malin because she didn’t pretend that he didn’t exist. Everybody knew he’d stayed the night a few times. Everybody knew what they did together, to some extent. Everybody knew they were together now, a couple, but no one else acknowledged that. No one else acknowledged Simon. Malin said hello to him. Malin chatted with him. With the others, Simon was just Wille’s shadow.

Simon took Malin's coat along with Wille’s to hang up as Linda greeted them both, turning to see Wille surveying the room as he passed her the flowers he’d brought.

‘You’ll like my house. It’s just a normal house, nothing fancy, but everything in it is arranged with Sara in mind. We lowered stuff, both bathrooms have grab bars, and the door on my room was tiny, and I couldn’t just make it bigger like your room upstairs, so I took it off.’

‘You took the door off? You don’t even have a door?’

‘I have a door. There’s a door to the laundry room, and my room is past that. Mama’s not going to come do laundry instead of going to work. Chill, bro.’

‘I think it’s because of my guards,’ Wille began. ‘But I hate being in a room with open doors. Guess it’s a quirk now, or a phobia? I’m not scared of open doors though, I just don’t like them.’

“Close the curtain,” Simon said with a smirk as Wille followed behind him into his room. “Okay, so this room is tiny as shit, I know, but I picked up, so you should be able to get all the way to the end. All the way,” he giggled. “It’s like four meters. Sorry. It was supposed to be a storage room but, whatever. I’d rather have a tiny bedroom than share with my sister.”

“It’s cozy,” Wille said, testing Simon’s claim that he could make it from one end of the room to the other, fingering the lava lamp and cologne bottle on his bedside table.

Simon giggled. “It is what it is.”

And what it was, was so tiny Wille had to back up to the doorway because there wasn’t space for him to turn around.

“I know it looks like a teenager lives here, probably because I put up all this shit when I was a teenager.” Most of it was there when he was sixteen.

“Not me. I remember the first time I went home to my mother’s house. I was so, this is stupid, but I was so excited to see what my room looked like. I thought it would be a good way to get to know who I was supposed to be. But when they showed me to my room, it was so spartan I presumed I was in a guest room.”

Wille pushed his hair back with his thumb and middle finger. Simon didn’t turn the overhead light on, small lamps only, and the glow from the ones on his desk made Wille’s slender arms look not so slender anymore.

A month of working out is paying off.

“It was mine though. I was always this boring. At least the two of us have that in common.”

“I’m boring too? Gee, thanks,” Simon teased.

“No, I meant who I am now, and who I used to be. We’re both boring.”

Which was a somber way to start the evening.

“Are the plants yours?” Wille asked, waving Simon aside, so he could take a closer look at them.

What the fuck? This is no less somber.

“Nah. I just keep them in here in these fancy pots I picked out, and keep the lights on a timer for them, because they’re not mine.” Simon chuckled. “I like taking care of people.”

“And plants.”

“Plants are people too.”

“Do they have names?” Wille asked, instead of disputing Simon's claim about their humanity.

Simon hummed as he stepped over the corner of the bed to fit in front of Wille in the tight space. “Named them after the guys in a boyband,” my boyfriend and, “I used to like. That’s Olle,” Simon said as Wille moved up behind him, pressed against the back of Simon’s calves as he pulled him down by the waist. He was almost sitting on Wille’s knees.

Simon hesitated, thinking they might tip, but the feeling at his back was just Wille’s chest as he peeked around his shoulder. “And that’s Oski, my favorite,” he whispered, even though they were far from the kitchen, and no one was listening.

Wille kissed across the back of his neck.

“And the third one is named Felle,” Simon said with a sigh as he leaned his head back against Wille’s as he crossed his arms around Simon’s waist.

“RIP Omi. Gone but never forgotten,” Simon concluded, squeezing both of Wille’s arms.

His plants were old, nearly ten years old, and taking care of them had become quite the obsession after Omi’s untimely demise. Simon didn’t even like that they were so close to them now, perched so precariously, and was terrified that he might overturn the little stand they sat on, even though it was wedged between the wall and his desk.

Wille bought him his plants.

’I was going to get you flowers, but they didn’t have any nice ones at Lidl, so yeah, potted plant it is. Maybe it will have flowers someday.’

It didn’t. None of them were flowering plants.

He brought me one every time we had sex. Shit, that’s so weird.

It was a little weird, getting a potted plant a day or two after each time Wille fucked him, quirky weird though.

This Wille bringing flowers was super weird.

No, it’s not. You told him not to come empty handed, and he can’t cook. Besides, he gave them to Mama. They’re not your sex flowers.

“Scoot,” Simon said, trying to carefully get up while his legs were splayed around Wille’s. He turned around carefully, and pushed him back by his knees, straddling his lap that direction once they had a little space.

“Why’d you ask me about my plants?” Simon asked, leaning his forehead against Wille’s.

Why’d you ask me about my plants? Now I’m sad.

“I don’t know,” Wille whispered, shaking his head slowly against Simon’s. “They were the first thing I noticed when I came in, I guess.”

That made sense.

“And I can tell you care for them. I mean, they look like you’ve had them a while, right? You’re so gentle, and thoughtful, I’m not surprised, but maybe I am, just a little? And of course they have names, I just didn’t know that. They must mean a lot to you. I’m sorry if I-”

Wille was so nervous.

“No, sorry,” Simon interrupted. “Thanks for asking. They’re the only things in this house I care about, besides the people in it. Whenever I say I have to go home to see Mama, I also mean I have to go home and check on my plants. I’ve told them all about you. I think they’re excited to see you.”

“I’m excited to see them again too.”

Simon froze just as he was about to kiss Wille. “What?”

“They’re in a lot of your pictures on Instagram. I may have studied your instagram, Simon.”

“Oh,” Simon laughed as Wille ran his fingers through his hair, holding the back of his neck before pushing his face back with his own, so he could kiss him.

“Take your shirt off,” Wille insisted, grabbing at the hem as Simon lifted his arms, leaning back so Wille could pull it off, and toss it to the floor. Wille couldn’t see it was behind his chair now, and Simon saw flashes of it somehow tangling in his wheels, tipping his chair when he moved next.

He hummed, pulling away slowly to turn on some music.

“So they don’t listen,” he said as he turned again, scooping Wille up in his arms before he tried to run over his shirt. It startled him, and he felt the man grab his neck harder than he would’ve were Simon leaning to kiss him, but he relaxed before he laid him down over the bed, tossing his shoes just as carelessly as Wille tossed his shirt, knocking the plant stand.

Wille gasped again. “Shit. I thought you were going to hit Olle.”

“I care more about the people in my house, the flesh and blood people,” because all the ghosts are gone now. It’s just you.

The other Wille came over to make out with Simon once. They took turns blowing one another, one before, and one after dinner, before he had to get home for curfew.

He’s fucking twenty-one fucking years old. Wille should be able to stay out as long as he fucking wants with his fucking boyfriend in his fucking bed.

“God, yours is just as noisy as mine.”

Simon laughed, covering his mouth as he laid beside Wille. “It is yours. I mean it’s from one of the dorms too. The B and B people tore down one of them, Granved, a couple of years ago, and people came to take all the furniture out before they did. One of the contractors let it slip that they were going to demolish the building with everything still in it, so, like, everybody and their cousin came to get stuff with trucks. The B and B people were, like, ‘we’re calling the cops!’ But the police chief was there, so he was, like, 'go ahead!’ And took his phone out, like he was waiting for the call. Every kid in Bjärstad either has a desk or bed from the old boarding school, or knows somebody who does. I have both.”

“Shit. I didn’t notice. We have the same desk too?”

Simon hummed. “I like to think you’re sitting at your desk whenever I’m sitting at mine.”

“And we’re sleeping in the same bed. And doing other things in the same bed.”

“The exact same bed tonight,” Simon whispered.

“We still have to go eat dinner.”

“Do we though? You eat like a bird. I had a snack earlier, and I can feed you.” Simon didn’t want to let him go, not even for Wille to lay atop him, even though he knew he loved doing that.

“Your mother has been so nice to me, Simon. We have to.”

Had she though? She was nice to Wille. Of course she was nice to Wille, Linda was nice to everyone. She was a nice person.

“She treats you the same as anybody else. You’re not so special,” he teased, tapping Wille’s nose. “You’re just okay.”

“You’re just okay too,” his guest repeated, because this was their little joke now, pretending the other was ‘fine,’ or ‘okay’, or they ‘liked’ them, when they both knew, or at least Simon knew, they were both in love.

Both of them were in love. Simon wouldn’t have invited Wille over to have sex if they weren’t in love. He had to be sure because he had a feeling, once they were together like that, Wille was going to be in love with him anyways. He didn’t want to ever question if Wille loved him though, or wonder if he just loved having someone to love. He wanted to be sure Wille loved him first.

That was another Wille, Simon told himself, remembering questions he didn’t need to ask himself about this Wille as the man kissed his chest, sighing with every smack of his lips.

You already love this one too much. You’re going to love him forever. He already adores you. You’re his whole world. He’s not going to want to let you go after this either, so you can never be the one to ask him to.

You’re just going to love him forever, and pray he loves you forever too.

Simon tried to remind himself Wille was young and inexperienced. This was the first time he’d tasted a man’s love on his lips, and someday he might grow tired of it, or yearn for other tastes. But Simon was not so young, not so inexperienced, and he’d come to remember exactly what love tasted like. It tasted like this. It tasted like Wille. It tasted exactly like Wille. Simon loved that taste. He would never grow tired of it. He’d been putting himself to bed with a piece of fruit for fifteen years, never once wishing for something savory. If Simon didn’t go to sleep with his fingers smelling of citrus, he was restless, unless he was locked in another man’s arms, smelling him, tasting him, feeling him everywhere, lulled to sleep by the sound of his breath through his loud, little nose, instead of music from his earbuds.

“I listen to this same album overnight when I’m sleeping, whenever I’m alone. This album, every night I’m alone since 2022.”

“It’s nice. I like it.”

Simon nodded as Wille kissed his neck. “The way you like to know the schedule, I like routine. I don’t get tired of doing things the same way all the time. It can be nice when something else is going on, and the routine doesn’t matter so much, but otherwise I like it.”

He felt Wille nodding as he kissed his stomach, moving lower on the bed for an aperitif before dinner. He wasn’t listening to what Simon was saying, let alone what he wasn’t saying.

“If you don’t like it,” Simon said, lifting Wille’s face from his bare skin, holding the corner of his jaw, “it’s okay with me. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m okay with how things are right now. Even if they never change,” even if Wille had a curfew, and a caretaker who wasn’t Simon, he was okay.

He was really okay. Simon wasn’t just saying he was okay. He was okay.

“And I mean that, I do, because having you in my life means the routines aren’t meaningless. I go through them, the ones I do without you, and I know it’s all okay because I’ll be with you again soon enough, and then nothing else will matter.”

“Simon,” Wille pulled himself up his chest again, staring down into his eyes. “I know I’ll like it. There’s no way I don’t want to be with you. I mean,” he sighed. “I want to be with you in every way, no double negatives. No negatives at all. All I want is for it to just be us.”

That was exactly what Simon wanted to say.

“I want to petition to be your good man,” he said louder, nodding as he finished the sentence. “And it doesn’t even matter what happens with us. You deserve to have someone who only cares about you, not your mom, or your money, or anything like that. Just you. You’re practically the only thing I care about anyways, and I know myself well enough to know I always will, so I want to do this for you.”

Wille swallowed. “You mean that?”

“I said it,” Simon said before Wille kissed him hard, lying with his head on Simon’s chest after. He wrapped his arms behind Wille’s back as he rubbed his pant leg with his sock.

“You’re too beautiful to have someone doing this for an ugly reason. I want to take care of you, of you. I don’t want to take care of things, or make things easy for you. I want to take care of you, even if that makes things hard for either of us. You deserve that much. You should be able to make choices for yourself though, whatever you want, so I won’t do this without asking.”

Simon closed his fingers in Wille’s hair, and tried to pull his face off of his chest. “I did it for Sara without asking. It was Mama before, and she meant well, but she treated Sara like she was still a kid, because she is her kid, and always will be. But Sara needed it, I knew she did, so I filed everything without asking, and then I was like, ‘well, I did this. You can choose to say no, but I think this is the right choice.’

“And I do think it was, and so did everybody else, in the end. But this is your choice, Wille. I won’t do it without asking. And if you ever ask me not to I will. I promise. We don’t have to be together, and you don’t have to worry about me being mad about it. I won’t. I want what’s best for you, but I know you’re the best person to know and decide what’s best for yourself.”

“No,” Wille said, flipping Simon’s stomach into knots underneath the weight of him. “You know me better than I know myself because I would’ve never thought to ask this. It’s too much.”

Was that a no?

“I feel bad asking you to do anything for me you wouldn’t have to do for someone else, or adding up all the things you have to go without just to be with me,” Wille continued.

“I can’t ask. I want it to be you, but I can’t ask, Simon. I can’t.”

Simon shook his head, rubbing his nose against Wille’s before he nodded. “Okay. You don’t have to. I asked you, and you answered. I want it to be me, okay? I’d like that. It would make me very happy.”

“Why?”

“You know why,” Simon whispered.

“I don’t.”

Simon covered his mouth. “I know you do, and you don’t have to say this part either.”

But the floppy haired man nodded, and as he nodded Simon kissed him. Simon kissed him and hooked his legs around Wille’s, pulling him closer, rubbing his spine, his fingers drawing over the places where his skin was smoother and pinker.

“This okay?” He asked. “Can’t have you thinking it’s not all of you that I-“

“BOYS!” Linda called out, opening the laundry room door to holler at them further in Spanish.

“Si, Mama. Vi kommer,” he called back. “Ingen spanska! För Willes skull!”

Wille laughed, resting his head on Simon’s. “You can speak Spanish with your mother. I think I’d rather not know what she just said.”

“That is exactly why she needs to speak Swedish. I’m not going to be the only one feeling like a teenager who just got caught with their hand on their boyfriend’s dick.”

“Shit. Sorry,” Wille said, rolling against the wall.

“Wille, it’s okay. You’re literally in my bed. You literally came over to fuck me. You can touch my dick.”

“No I didn’t,” he refuted. Simon turned to look at Wille as he slipped his shirt back on.

“Oh yeah? Why’d you come then? To see Mama?”

“I haven’t yet. Pretty sure,” he said, trying to peek underneath his waistband. “Yep. Haven’t cum yet.”

Simon shook his head as he turned Wille’s chair so it was pointed out of the room, smiling as he sat and held up his arms to be picked up again. He couldn’t transfer with the chair at the corner of the bed like that, and Simon couldn’t help but love picking him up.

6

Wilhelm started undressing Simon the moment they got into the laundry room. He wasn’t sure how they were making their way down the hallway with Simon crouched, holding onto his thighs, but they were getting there somehow, even though Wilhelm wasn’t touching his push rims. He reached for the tail of Simon’s belt as the curtain to his room slapped him in the face, his chair crashing into the man as he fell to the ground, on purpose, in front of him.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Wille,” he said, rising high on his knees for Wilhelm to kiss him as Simon undid his pants for him.

“I’ve got it. You-“

“Are undressing you. Shut up. Did you have to look so good today? Really? Just had to mess with me, huh? You wore this little shirt the day after that stupid party. Fits you better now.”

“I have this insane physical therapy assistant. He’s insane. He’s truly insane. No mercy.”

Simon hummed. “I like this guy,” he said, running both hands under Wilhelm’s shirt before he pulled them out to take it off. “I like this guy too,” he said, picking him up to sit him on the bed, and finish taking off his pants. Simon tore his own shirt off before kneeling again, pushing Wilhelm’s legs apart before taking him in his mouth.

“Oh. Are we not-“

“This first. I meant to do it when you got here, but it’ll be fine. We can take our time tonight. We don’t have to rush. You’re a pent up, horny teenager at heart. Me too.”

“Okay. You know I can cum twice,” Wilhelm tried to say as Simon took him in his mouth again.

This is just a warm up, he thought, lacing his fingers in the man’s hair as Simon leaned against his legs, rubbing the small of his back. Wilhelm could tell he was doing that from the way his arm muscles moved.

“I do know,” Simon lifted his hand to say, rubbing Wilhelm’s stomach now. “Like I said, we’re like horny teenagers.”

“I can’t help it.” Wilhelm could’ve said, ‘you’re gorgeous,’ but he could not have said, ‘I’m in love with you.’

He was so in love with Simon though.

Wilhelm often thought of how much he loved Simon. One of his first thoughts of the man was of how much he loved him simply for the way he spoke to August. Everything that came thereafter only made him love him more.

Say it. He’ll say it back.

Or not?

He might not. Simon was in love when he was a teenager. Maybe he’s neither of those things anymore?

He sucks your cock like he loves you though.

Shit.

You’re going to make love to this man. Whether you say it first, or not, that is exactly what you’re going to do, or what you would do if you could do a fucking thing.

Wilhelm tried to shake that thought from his head. Simon had done everything he could to reassure Wilhelm that he liked being on top, the way they planned.

’I swear, Wille. Like, some of the best sex of my life was when I got to be a cowboy,’ he giggled. ’It’s real nice. I mean, you can see your partner, nice, and it feels good, also nice, but it’s way easier to have a real nice time when you have a little more control over things, which you do in that position. I mean, I do. The person receiving has more control, you know? Not saying you would, I know you wouldn’t, you’re too careful with my heart, but sometimes that’s not a sure thing, and when it’s not, it’s nice to have more agency. That make sense?

‘No,’ Simon continued, as they talked about their plans. ’That’s so negative. You know why it’s so good? It’s because, like, everyone is an equal participant. Sometimes, in other positions, the person receiving is really only doing that, you know? They’re just getting fucked. With me on top, I get to fuck you too. We get to fuck each other. That’s so fucking hot, you know? Like, when we were in the sauna, and I was like, ‘no, just you,’ but you were like, ‘no, both of us,’ wasn’t that insane? Like, it being both of us at the same time, wasn’t that kind of amazing?

‘I think so. And, like, I want to be with you, not get fucked. The being with you part is what I want. With,’ Simon repeated.

‘Do you like it when men just fuck you too though? When it’s less equal?'

Wilhelm shouldn’t have asked that question.

'I mean yeah, I do, sometimes. That’s nice too. It’s kind of liberating, in a way. Like, knowing all you have to do is be present in that moment, you don’t have to really do anything else? Just that is enough? With the right person, that can be real nice too.’

Wilhelm remembered the way Simon climbed on his lap as he said, Maybe I’m the right person for you?

He was. Simon was definitely the right person for him, and Wilhelm could see his point. Hell, he wanted to do that. He wanted to not have to really do anything beyond being present in the moment getting fucked. He was pretty sure he wanted to do that just as much as he wanted to fuck Simon.

Wilhelm definitely wanted to try bottoming, and just be present, getting fucked, and that wasn’t a problem either. The problem was that he could never give that experience to Simon. Simon could lay him out on the bed and drill his ass. Wilhelm did have experience watching gay porn, and he was sure he would enjoy that. Recently, he’d had a fair deal of experience with it, and while he enjoyed imagining getting fucked the way he saw other men getting fucked, he knew he could never reciprocate. Simon seemed to think there were plenty of other things they could do, but Wilhelm couldn’t picture that being enough for Simon.

You may as well be a dildo he’s riding, and that was what he was thinking of when he came in Simon’s mouth.

Simon stood up, sucking his bottom lip, smiling, not thinking about what Wilhelm couldn’t do.

So why are you? He wants to be with you! You want to be with him! He has an ass that’s begging to be fucked.

“You want to prep me? I can do it myself if-“

“Yes,” Wilhelm said, sounding practically feral.

This was something he could do.

“Lie back,” Simon said, pushing Wilhelm with his hand on his chest. He finished undressing as Wilhelm laid down on Simon’s pillow. He tossed him the same bottle of lube he’d brought with him the night he slept over, when Wilhelm made him cum from fingering his ass alone.

Simon insisted he was very good at that, and Wilhelm was sure he was half-way decent, but the credit belonged to Simon.

’You really do this to yourself sometimes?’ he’d asked.

’I like it. Yep.’

‘With your fingers?’

‘Or a toy. Yep.’

‘Why?’

‘Feels good.’

‘It does.’

‘Don’t stop then,’ Simon said, turning to look back at Wilhelm as he crouched over his body. ‘Make me cum.’

And he did. Wilhelm made Simon cum that night. He did that. His fingers in his ass, touching him with barely any guidance, made Simon cum.

’Whatever you’re doing with your thumb is insane, Wille. You think you can keep that up, but add another finger?’

‘Um,’ he was confused.

‘Add your middle finger.’

‘Jesus,’ Wilhelm swore aloud. ‘That would feel good?’

Simon hummed. ‘Look good too.’

And, as good as Simon’s ass looked that evening, it looked better on this one. Somehow, it just did. The low, warm light in Simon’s room? Memories of the sight of him? Wilhelm didn’t realize how closely he’d be able to watch Simon as he fingered him the first time they did it, but now he did. He knew now how hot it would be to see his fingers moving in and out of his ass, rubbing lower with his thumb, the muscles in Simon’s cheeks and back tensing as he groaned.

“You’re breathtaking,” Wilhelm said as Simon sighed.

“Knew you loved this,” he said, looking over his shoulder at him. “Good call, Simon. I thought about putting a plug in so we could, like, just go at it, but this is so nice, Wille. You’re so good at this. You really should give it a try.”

“I’d love to, but with you.”

Simon turned around again. “I want to do something else with you right now. You good? You’re hard.”

Of course he was hard! He was touching Simon in such a beautiful, intimate way.

“What should I do?” He asked, removing his hand from the man’s ass. Simon tossed him two wet wipes.

“Throw them on the floor. I’ll get them later,” he said, turning around to roll a condom down Wilhelm’s cock.

“I mean, specifically, now. What should I do?“

“Oh God? This again?” Simon laughed. “I’m sorry, but I can’t explain this. This is between you and God, Wille. I can’t tell you how to fuck.”

“I mean, you’re going to get on top, but then-“

“Yeah. That’s it, bro. I’m going to get on top, and then it’s just sex. You know,” Simon ran the closed fingers of one hand over his other thumb. “I’m the left hand, you’re the right.”

Wilhelm could hear himself swallow.

“You can do whatever you want.”

“Do you have another pillow?” Wilhelm asked as Simon knelt above his body, one taut thigh on either side of his hips. “It would be easier to touch you if my back was higher.”

“Oh. Shit. Yeah that makes sense, but no, I don’t, and I’m not gonna go steal Mama’s for this.” He laughed. “Maybe your hospital bed wasn’t so bad after all,” he said, covering his mouth to laugh. “It would come in handy right now. You could sit up against the wall though? I mean, that works too, just, like, leave some space behind your butt, so I’m not squished with my knees, and stuff.

“That works. Let’s do that. Cool?”

“Sure,” Wilhelm said as Simon stood by the edge of the bed again, watching him try to reposition himself.

Actually, it was not cool. None of this was cool.

How fucking delusional are you that you think this is even going to work? How is this going to work? Wilhelm thought as he struggled. If he could’ve pulled his legs away when Simon helped him push himself back, he would’ve.

You’re like a sex doll. Jesus, this is humiliating. You should be grabbing him, and bending him over. You should be fucking him! This is so wrong, such a stupid, corrupted version of what you should be doing to him, he thought as Simon knelt again, kissing Wilhelm hard as he leaned him back, holding the tops of his shoulders after rubbing his cock to put some lube there too.

“How’s that? You good?”

Miserable. You?

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“This is the same as anything else.”

Hardly, Simon, hardly. If I am going to be inside of you, if you are going to let me do that, I should be able to actually do it. I can’t.

“I can’t,” he admitted as Simon grabbed his wrist, putting Wilhelm’s hand on his ass.

“Look. See? You can.” He sighed. “You can do this, but it’s okay if you don’t want to. I don’t mind, Wille. Cross my heart,” he said, picking up Wilhelm’s other hand to drag his limp fingers over his chest twice. “But now it feels like this is, like, horseback riding, bad metaphor, or something, and if you bail, it’s going to be a thing, a mental block, or something.

“If you think you can’t do this very natural thing, which, untrue, you can, but if you believe you can’t, then you won’t. Like, your body won’t let you, maybe? I don’t know. Sorry. This is way too much pressure, and I’m being stupid.”

Simon swung his leg off of Wilhelm, or tried to, but Wilhelm pulled his hand away from his chest and grabbed Simon’s taut thigh.

“No. You’re right. This is something I want to do. I’m just scared.”

“What are you scared of? Me? Not cumming? Bro, trust me, not gonna hate it if it takes a minute or thirty.”

THIRTY? Thirty minutes of him riding your cock? Thirty? Is he insane? Is that even humanly possible? You’re going to hurt him.

“And, if you don’t, again, no big deal.” Simon smirked. “I know I can make you cum,” he said, leaning forward to kiss him, rubbing his chest against Wilhelm’s. “It doesn’t have to be like this. Plenty of people don’t like anal.”

“You’re not one of them,” Wilhelm said, leaning away from the wall to pull Simon’s face to his, kissing him.

“Sorry.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know why I am panicking about this. There is virtually nothing I want more.”

“Virtually nothing? That means there is something. What’s the something you want-“

“I misspoke,” Wilhelm said, covering Simon’s mouth with his left hand. “I don’t think there is anything I want more than to be inside you. God, Simon, I know what that feels like now. My brain can fill in the gaps. Hell, just thinking about what it looks like when your ass-“

“Is stretched? Yeah? Well, just think how good it’s going to feel stretched by your dick.”

He was. Wilhelm was definitely thinking about that.

And Simon was right. He couldn’t tell him what to do, and he hadn’t needed to before. Wilhelm knew exactly how to respond to feeling Simon’s body, or to his touch. Without thinking, he knew how to touch Simon back, and pulled him closer, kissing him and stroking his back, no, his ass.

God, that ass. ‘If you don’t like it?’ If? Really? You could cum just rubbing it between his cheeks, or against them. You could cum just staring at his ass. He has the most beautiful ass in the world, and he wants you inside of it? You?

What the fuck is wrong with you that you aren’t chomping at the bit for this?

“I just want it to be perfect. I know I’m not perfect, but you deserve perfection.”

“Don’t want it.”

Nonsense.

“I want you. That’s it. I don’t want shit to be perfect. I want it to be just like this, with you.”

Because this little breakdown is just about the worst thing you could do right now? This is turning him on?

“I want this, just us, you and me, together, figuring shit out. I want to figure shit out with you. The process is great. If it’s gonna be like this-“

Like what? Me complaining, and acting like an idiot?

“With us talking, being close, and kind to each other, and open about what we’re feeling-“

You’re not being open about what you’re feeling. You’re in love with him.

“I mean, that’s intimacy. That’s real intimacy, Wille. I’d rather be real intimate with you than get my back blown out, you know? I care about you, you care about me, why would I want anything else? I’d rather be cared for than anything else. There’s other dicks out there. There’s not other people who care about me the way you do, Wille.

“And I don’t give a fuck about them, other people. I care about you. And, okay, fine, I’m nervous about being good for you too. That’s just how it is the first time you’re with someone new, unless you’re drunk or, like, an ultra horny teenager who’s just gonna blow the second they get it in.”

Oh, and it is your first time. Period.

“Don’t you be nervous,” Wilhelm said, rubbing the back of Simon’s neck. “I promise, this is going to be the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“Remind me to lecture you about ranking sex acts, but yeah,” he smirked. “Probably, dork.

“So… we good?” Simon asked, drumming on the tops of Wilhelm’s shoulders. “Can I ride my man’s cock now?”

“Oh. Sorry. Yes. Sorry.”

Simon shook his head, then leaned down to shake it again, rubbing against Wilhelm’s nose. “I’m going to take real good care of you, okay? Just speak up. You have to speak up.”

Wilhelm nodded back against Simon’s nose, wishing the man had used any word but care. Simon was going to end up ‘taking care’ of him again, no matter how much effort he expended to prevent any such thing. He already had once, and how he still wanted to-

Wilhelm held his breath as Simon shut his eyes, exhaling hard against his cheek. He rubbed the small of the man’s back, clutching Simon’s shoulder with his other hand.

Crisis of conscience averted. Simon could take care of him.

Fuck!

No, Wilhelm needed to take care of him, somehow.

“Are you good?” He said softly, rubbing Simon’s cheek with his head.

Simon nodded, humming as he leaned back, moving his legs forward a little. Now Wilhelm could see why he needed to move away from the wall. He curved his back to hold Simon in a way which was not exactly comfortable.

This can’t be exactly comfortable for him either, he thought as Simon inhaled quickly, smiling at Wilhelm as he opened his eyes.

“Yeah. I’m good.” He bit his lip. “Damn. This is where someone is legally obligated to say, ‘it’s so tight,’ so I guess I will. Damn.”

Don’t take that to heart. You know you’re not exceptional. Your unremarkable cock is not eliciting that damn. His ass is just so plump, a word which made Wilhelm smile back at Simon, anything would be tight. Your finger felt tight.

Oh. Damn. Well, it is bigger than your finger, or two. Damn.

Simon moved slowly, with a small, little grunt. “Oh yeah. That’s… yeah sorry. I’m trying to be quiet, I swear, but…” He moved again. “Damn.”

Simon’s bed was just as loud as Wilhelm’s.

“Malin knows what we’re doing,” Wilhelm said quickly. “I mean, she has to know why we went to your room. Maybe she doesn’t know exactly, I’m sure she’s not picturing-“

“Yeah. I’m not so sure about that,” Simon said, leaning his forehead against Wilhelm’s to kiss him. “I don’t want to think about it, but, bro, she hears everything.”

Unfortunately.

“She’s heard us talking about this.”

Undoubtedly she had.

“Least you didn’t have to ask her to take you to go buy condoms and lube.”

“Oh God,” Wilhelm said as he pulled himself away from the wall to hold Simon tightly as he tried not to laugh. He was about to say, ‘thank you for sparing me from that embarrassing errand,’ but Simon whined, panting in his face, completely driving the words Wilhelm was about to say from his mind.

“Sorry,” he said, leaning back again.

“Um, don’t be?” Simon replied, leaning back in his arms too, smiling. He moved forward just a bit more, biting his lip as he stifled a sound and sighed. “Yeah. So, that feels good.”

It did. It did feel good. Wilhelm could tell his cock felt good.

Was he almost at almost?

ALREADY?

Simon moved again, swearing loudly, breathing nearly as loud, biting his lip.

If anyone should be biting that lip it’s you, Wilhelm told himself as he leaned forward again to kiss him.

“Oh, that’s so good,” Simon said, quickening. “You good? More?” He asked, fingertips curling around one of Wilhelm's shoulders, the other gripping the back of his neck. Wilhelm wanted to do that too, and grabbed Simon’s neck. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” he huffed. He felt like he was braying in the man’s face. Even if he couldn’t feel his cock inside of Simon, he could imagine what it must feel like, how warm, and tight, and he could imagine how hard Simon was fucking him.

Shit, he was fucking him hard. He could hear that too. Wilhelm could hear their skin slapping together, that fucking juicy ass. He was sweating everywhere.

Wilhelm let go to push his hair back, only for it to fall forward again, but Simon got it as soon as Wilhelm ran his hand up the back of the man’s shoulder to hold him there. He was pressing back against Wilhelm’s hands as he dropped his head, watching their bodies.

Wilhelm’s gaze had been fixed on Simon’s face until that moment. His face felt too beautiful to look away from, but all of him was beautiful, so he cheated down to look at their bodies too.

You wouldn’t know, just by watching the two of us, that this is anything out of the ordinary. Look at him. He knows what to do. He’s just fucking you. He is fucking you. This is how men fuck. People do this on purpose. You’re doing this on purpose! It’s not so different. He’s done this with other people, and now he is doing it with you.

It’s not so different, and he likes it.

“God, Wille,” Simon groaned, kissing him quickly. “You feel so good.”

Simon’s body was so tense, except for his fingers. They were relaxed, rubbing Wilhelm’s hairline, fitting over the bones of his spine. Wilhelm could feel that. He could feel how gentle Simon touched him there, knowing he was not being gentle anywhere else. He could imagine the head of his cock or thighs looking bruised later, from the force Simon seemed to be enacting upon his body.

“Do you like it like this?” He asked. “Hard?” It felt like Simon was fucking him hard. Maybe he had to? Maybe, with Wilhelm being so still, it was the only way he could-

“Every time you tense your stomach? Wille,” he sighed. “Fuck. It’s so good.”

He could feel that?

“Is this too much though?” Simon asked, draping his body against Wilhelm’s. He was aware just how deep his cock must’ve been as he did so.

Wilhelm was well aware of that.

“I can go slower, if you want.”

“If you want to.” Wilhelm was not about to dictate terms. He could imagine going slower, he could imagine it would still feel good, “but this feels perfect.”

“Good. Yeah,” Simon continued. “This is perfect.”

Simon continued, not slower, not softer, except for the way Simon touched Wilhelm’s back and neck. His fingers were so gentle there, soft, arching his own neck now as he whined.

Wilhelm moved one hand lower on Simon's hip, so close to his cock he had to touch it. He tried to touch it as gently as Simon touched his neck, but Simon bit his lip and hissed like he’d batted at it like a tiny kitten who couldn’t control their claws.

“No, that’s good.” He said, squeezing the top of Wilhelm’s arm as he tried to pull away. “Just hold it. I’m gonna cum though.”

Because he was touching his cock?

That was good though? Simon just said that was good.

Simon was panting and groaning, and everywhere their skin met stung with sweat and electricity. It was good.

“I am too,” Wilhelm said, trying to will his body not to, for whatever reason. Simon raised himself from his lap slowly, still for a moment, clutching the back of Wilhelm’s neck, fingers in his hair, pulling it as he kissed him.

Wilhelm did not stop kissing him when Simon resumed, moving even more now, somehow, unable to break contact with his skin, even if it meant pressing himself against the man.

And, even though he said ‘just hold it,’ Wilhelm did not just hold it. The head of Simon’s cock was so smooth, so soft, so sensitive, not touching that felt like a sin. Not sucking on his neck as it strained felt like a sin. Not muffling himself against the man’s shoulder felt like a sin. Not willing himself to relax, somehow, even though he was holding onto Simon so tightly, was the greatest of sins.

He was almost there. Wilhelm was almost about to cum inside this angel, and this angel, his angel, was absolutely singing. Not even Wilhelm’s out of tune harmony could ruin this song. Malin could burst through the door, insisting there was an emergency, his mother could walk in, or Simon’s, or anyone, they could put a gun to his head, and Wilhelm would not stop, not for anything.

He loved this. Wilhelm loved it more than he loved anything in the entire fucking world.

Because you love him. You love him. Tell him you love him. Even if he doesn’t say it back, he’ll understand why you said it. Look at him! He loves this too! He’s gone out of his way to tell you how much he cares about you. Pretend that when he said he was going to take care of you what he was actually saying was that he was going to love you. You wouldn’t be at all worried about that. You’re in love with him! How would that not be the most wonderful thing to hear?

But Wilhelm couldn’t say that because almost was now, and he couldn’t say anything at all. Simon didn’t say anything either, not words at least, but Wilhelm could tell what the other man was feeling even before he felt Simon's cum on his hand. He let go, wiping it on his leg before grabbing Simon’s neck with both hands, making some kind of sound he had never fucking made before, as he came too, trying to kiss Simon’s neck.

Simon laughed quietly as Wilhelm’s lips fluttered against the corner of his jaw. His laugh was like whipped frosting one stole a taste of with a fingertip. Wilhelm wanted to suck his lips as they held their faces close to one another, panting as they flirted with a kiss, or the whispers they decided not to voice.

Wilhelm finally kissed Simon's bottom lip once, smiling at the small taste of him he’d been granted.

Simon didn’t lean back to see Wilhelm smiling, but he must have felt it as he laughed the smallest puff of joy, of ecstasy.

His skin had never been softer, the smell of his hair never sweeter, the warmth of his body was never so comforting, or the weight of him so great. Simon had never been more perfect in Wilhelm’s eyes, even though he could only see flashes of his skin shining in the dim room.

He had never felt so much of him either. Wilhelm was quite sure he had never felt more in his entire fucking life, not even in the moments immediately proceeding their shared smile.

“I want to do that again. A million times over, Simon. I hope-“

“Stay with that, just stay with me in that. Hope. I love that. Let’s just hope.”

Wilhelm could do that. He was full of hope. What they’d just done had expended none of the hope inside of him. And, if hope was love, then he hoped Simon would stay with him in that forever.

Simon sighed, rubbing his cheek against Wilhelm’s face before he hummed, and nodded very slowly.

“You’ll have to hope we can slip away together again soon. I know I will.

“Wille,” his name was a sigh. “You don’t even know, Wille. You don’t even know how much I hope that.”

“I hope so too,” Wilhelm whispered, because if hope was love, then the two of them had hoped to feel it, felt it still, and Wilhelm would never hope for anything else.

7

Simon had to take the bus to Stockholm to take an exam on campus.

Making an extra stop afterwards was no trouble.

“You can fill this out online. You didn’t need to print it, and do this in person, dear,” the clerk said as Simon handed over the envelope with all the paperwork he and Wille signed the night before.

“Yeah, I know. Wille wanted to do it this way because he couldn’t actually sign the online forms. I think it was symbolic. I was coming down here anyways.”

The woman nodded. “Sweet of you to humor him,” she said smiling, like it was a compliment to Simon, and not a dig at Wille.

“Amazing of him to let me do this for him, actually.”

8

Wilhelm asked Malin to take him down to the gym to meet with August.

He waited until Simon was gone, he thought with a sigh. Simon wasn’t sleeping over, but it was late, and Wilhelm did not have the energy to go down to the gym alone, at that time of night, to meet with his cousin.

“August, I was just about to go to sleep. Can’t this wait until morning?”

“Is this your way of saying Simon is there,” he chuckled.

“No, he left. I’m tired. Can’t this wait until morning? Or just tell me over the phone?”

“I promised your mother I would include you, Wilhelm. She’s not mentioned your frequent guest, has she? There’s a reason for that.”

What is this? Blackmail?

“Fine. I’ll be down shortly, but it will be a few minutes. I’m in my pajamas.”

Simon helped him put his pajamas on. No, Simon dressed him because Wilhelm was tired. He was wrapped in what they now referred to as Simon’s blanket, all tucked in and ready to go to bed early, even though Sunday morning was the one morning he could sleep in. It was the only day Linda let him have off, because his guardian angel wasn’t there to watch over him.

Of all the nights for him not to stay over! Wilhelm complained to himself again. He knew why Simon wanted to go home, he usually had breakfast with Ayub and his little girl on Sundays before her dance class. He hadn’t gone the week before, when he did stay over on Saturday night, after Malin brought him home from ‘dinner with Linda.’ It was hard to argue with that reason. Wilhelm did complain that it was the one day they could linger in bed all morning because he didn’t have PT, but Simon tapped him on the nose, smiling as he shook his head.

’You think I like waking up without you? I don’t, but this is also the one night I don’t have to sneak back up to Kaggeholms, like I’m getting off the bus at six fifteen, Wilhelm. I couldn’t sleep in, even if I was there.'

Because Wilhelm didn’t want August knowing Simon slept over. They both knew the man knew he did, but at least they were keeping up with appearances. Plenty of people saw Simon ‘walk in’ through the kitchen in the morning, stealing tangerines, giving them plausible deniability.

Wilhelm had barely locked his wheels before August spoke, eyes fixed on him, as though everyone else knew what he was about to say.

“So, Lucia is next weekend, and we are going to-“

Wilhelm put up his hand. “We aren’t going to do anything. Sorry. You can host whatever you want down in the cabins, or The Palace, but Simon and I are doing something up at the house, and I trust your party guests will not cause a scene in front of mine.”

He must’ve seen the flyers we put up this afternoon, the real reason Wilhelm was so tired, not what he’d done with Simon before he left.

“What?” August spat, laughing. “You’re hosting a party? Alright, tell us, Wilhelm, what do we have to look forward to?”

“Well,” he laughed. “Nothing probably. We’re hosting an event for the community. Some children from the local hospital are going to have a procession on the back lawn. We’ll have a bonfire, and then desserts in the dining room. The upstairs will be cordoned off, and we’ll lock the lift, so only the ground floor will be open, but it will also serve as an open house. Many in the community haven’t been able to see Kaggeholms for years because the B and B people-“

“What? Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?”

“Because I didn’t think it necessary to bother you with the preparations. I know how busy you are with your classes, and you were gone last weekend, so-“

“We live in the same house, Wilhelm. Don’t act like there wasn’t a chance for you to mention your plans. Who is paying for this? How did you-“

“No one is paying for anything. Anette assured me we have the necessary decorations in storage, so that’s sorted. There’s plenty of firewood already cut, so that’s of no concern. The hospital is taking care of a large portion of the refreshments, and Simon and I inquired at a few local businesses, and asked if they’d be willing to donate the paper goods.

“Oh,” and this was lovely, and worthy of inclusion. “Linda and Sara are going to bake a few traditional Venezuelan desserts, and when a few other staff members found out about that, they agreed to bring some of their families’ traditional recipes as well. The hospital can supply the candles, robes and headpieces, so, really, everything is all sorted.”

“Who’s coming to this little soiree? Children and their families?”

For some reason August found this laughable.

“Yes, but, as I said, we’ve opened it up to the community as well. We should have an abundance of desserts now, Anette seems to think we’ll be sending everyone home with goodie bags we’ll have so much. And I already spoke with groundskeeping about the parking situation, and Phillip will be directing traffic that evening for us. His brother is on the local police force, and said he would be happy to assist as well.

“You haven’t heard? The household has been preparing for a few weeks now, August. Sara is-“

“Sara is what?” He interrupted.

“Very excited.” Wilhelm giggled. “Felice says she even tried to work a horse into the schedule of events. Maybe Lucia will come in on horseback? That would be quite a lovely-“

“Did you ask your mother about this spectacle?”

Wilhelm smirked.

He thinks this is his trump card.

“Regrettably, she won’t be able to attend. She has an event already on her schedule. Felice’s parents are coming down though. I think she heard about it from Smysan? She asked if we needed financial sponsorship, but I directed her to make a donation to the hospital instead, if she felt so inclined.”

“Well, never mind then. Looks like we’ve been bumped, gentlemen,” August announced, turning to his friends. “I should’ve consulted with the Party Prince sooner.”

“It sounds like-“ someone began to say.

“And you say Simon has been helping you with this?” August turned to ask.

“And Sara. Felice too, but she’s busy with her exams, so she’s mostly served in an advisory capacity.”

“Alright. Not the kind of party planning I would expect from either of you, but I know Simon tries to maintain a presence at the hospital, even after what happened there.” He chuckled. “Probably trying to butter them up for a job again.

“You do know about that, don’t you, Wilhelm?”

Wilhelm rolled his eyes.

Again with this bullshit?

“August, I don’t know what you’re trying to imply here. I’m sure everyone knows about Simon’s past.”

“Well, all of us do, yes. Do you? You did look him up, didn’t you?”

He’s not getting his way, so now he has to retaliate. If he can’t make you feel small, he’ll attack Simon. You expected this from him.

“He was sixteen, and that video was taken and distributed without his consent. I will not have anyone using it-“

“I’m not talking about the fucking video, Wilhelm.”

Then what was he fucking talking about?

“His father is a convicted felon, a drug dealer, and Simon has a drug conviction of his own from a few years back, stealing from the hospital. Why do you think he was so eager to take a job here on the housekeeping staff, or why I was so pleased when he quit your care team? Hmm?”

“Simon doesn’t even drink,” Wilhelm said softly, remembering Simon’s first words to him when he found him on the lawn, ’what did you take?’

“Oh, so he didn’t tell you about that then?” August asked. “You two are always hanging out. I assumed it had come up. It’s why no one wanted to hire him here, for anything, but especially not working so closely with you. I only did it as a favor to Sara. On top of everything else she’s had to go through, she had to watch her brother, the one of them with the whole world at his feet, squander opportunities she’ll never have. I think he managed to get off in the end, went away to treatment, and apparently is done with all that now.

“I hope you keep your things locked up though. You should check that closet where you keep all of your supplies. If there’s ever anything missing, it would be good to have a head’s up. I have been cautioned against keeping an inventory of your things since, apparently, it’s an invasion of privacy, according to your guards.”

There wasn’t anything missing in Wilhelm’s room, best he could tell, but he knew precisely what August was implying. If anything went missing, someone who had access to his room would be the likely culprit. Lots of people went in and out of his room, housekeeping, and his nurses, but Simon was his only guest.

Wilhelm scoffed. “That’s so fucking low, August. What’s wrong with you? Using the man’s mistake to attack me?” Wilhelm said. “I’m sure your friends are all quite impressed right now.”

“Impressed? I don’t think so. Disappointed? Perhaps. I asked Simon if he could get anything for us a few weeks ago, after our weekend in Stockholm. It was quite the disappointment that he-“

Wilhelm laughed. “So you’re bragging to me that you were trying to get drugs for a party? A party you invited me too? I wonder how my mother would feel about that?”

“Is that really how you want to play this? Tit for tat? Because if you want to play it like that, by all means, go ahead, Wilhelm. I speak for you, legally, and having a convicted-“

“I wonder how much longer that will be true? The papers have already been filed, August.”

“What?”

Weren’t expecting that now, were you?

“You’re not going to be my good man soon. Whatever happens, you won’t be here after Christmas. And you gave up your lease in Stockholm, as a gesture of good faith I believe, so who knows? You may be finishing your studies remotely from your mother’s home in Årnäs. You won’t be here, running your little party spot for your friends. They’ll have to go visit you in the west, or ask me to visit. This is my home. My name is on the deed.”

August didn’t laugh his signature, insincere chuckle. He stood, looming in front of Wilhelm as always, but he didn’t look up at him. Wilhelm didn’t care about whatever look was on August’s face, be it smug or not.

“Simon is my boyfriend. Do what you want, August, try to screw over your poor, disabled cousin, but I won’t stand for you attacking Simon.”

The room was silent.

Even inviting Wilhelm to ‘discuss’ this party was nothing more than one of August’s schemes to… who could even say? Control him?

Wilhelm took the corner a little close, bumping August’s foot as he exited.

Oh, forgive me, dear cousin. I’m just so bad at getting around on my own.

Several people followed him, some going out the window to catch up to Wilhelm quicker. Even Vincent agreed it was stupid for August to get so defensive just because they couldn’t have a party that night, insisting the man was just overwhelmed.

“It’s traumatic for him, you know? His father died around Christmas.”

“Maybe,” Wilhelm replied. “But I was in a coma last Christmas. I was never supposed to wake up.”

“Ah. Didn’t know that,” the man conceded. “They must’ve kept it out of the press.”

“I wouldn’t know. Simon does though. I think he just wants to do something nice for me to-“

“Yeah, of course. He seems nice, Wille,” someone else said. “Congrats. He’s cute.”

“Is he?” Wilhelm asked. “I haven’t noticed,” though he noticed him at the piano right away, when he came down for breakfast the next morning.

“So glad to see you today,” Wilhelm said, coming to kiss Simon quickly as the man closed the piano keys. “Please tell me you’ve heard back about my petition?”

Simon giggled, leaning to kiss his cheek. “It’ll take a couple weeks. I wouldn’t expect to hear anything back before the holidays.“

“That long?”

“Yeah,” Simon answered slowly. “Hey, what’s wrong? There was a car pulling away when I got in. Did August invite his-”

Wilhelm swallowed. “I think a few of them hung out at the cabins last night,” Wilhelm said quickly.

He didn’t want to talk about this.

“Do you remember that night you found me out on the lawn?” He asked, because apparently, whether he wanted to or not, he was going to talk about it with Simon.

“Huh? No, obviously I have forgotten everything about that night. Remind me,” he said playfully, leaning against Wilhelm’s shoulder.

“Did you go to that party? It was down in The Palace, that old-“

“The old carriage house. Yeah, I mean, for like a second, yeah. Anette said August needed something. She didn’t know what, he wouldn’t say, so Sara drove me down on our way out that night. He just wanted to know if I was with you though, I think, but I said I hadn’t seen you since that morning, and didn’t know what your plans were.

“He invited me to stay, just me, not the girls, specifically not the girls. Sara asked if they were invited too, and he was an ass about it, no surprise, but that was, like, it, and then we left. Why do you ask?”

Wilhelm couldn’t help thinking Simon sounded a little defensive.

“August mentioned you stopped by.”

“Yeah,” Simon said slowly. “Because Anette told me to. I thought they needed something, or some shit. I was just trying to get out of there, Wille, because you told me to go.”

“I know. None of this would be happening if I hadn’t told you to leave.”

“Hey,” Simon said, rubbing Wilhelm’s shoulder. “Why are you upset about this all of a sudden? Wille,” he sighed. “That was weeks ago. It’s fine. Let’s not-“

“Did you bring them drugs?”

Simon let his hand fall off Wilhelm’s shoulder.

“Why are you asking? Someone took drugs, or something, so it’s automatically got something to do with me?” Simon asked.

“August said he asked you-“

“August said? For fuck’s sake! August said? You’re just going to believe some bullshit August said? Like, that’s your first impulse? To believe your cousin, who you hate, over me, the guy you…”

Simon rolled his eyes. “Okay, he asked if I knew where to get anything, but I don’t, and I didn’t give him any fucking drugs. Why the fuck would I do that? Where the hell do you think I’d even get drugs?”

Simon didn’t wait for Wilhelm to answer.

“Did they take your drugs, or something? Trying to get high off of gabapentin? Fucking morons,” Simon sighed, under his breath. “They take shit, so you think I was involved somehow? Why? Because one time I took stuff from the hospital and got caught? Yeah, that happened, and I’m lucky I didn’t get jail time, or lose the ability to get my PT license. I fucking lucked out because people understood I wasn’t myself then, and I wasn’t going to do anything like fucking sell it.

“Are you kidding me?” Simon questioned.

“Why would you even go down there anyway? You weren’t working that day.” Wilhelm asked.

“Anette asked me to! What the fuck? I was just doing a real quick favor my boss asked me to do, since I was here, waiting to see if you changed your mind about fucking throwing me out. And, August is my boss too, Wille. He’s everyone’s boss. I don’t have the luxury of pissing him off, like some people,” Simon scoffed.

“Oh, and I do? He’s in control of my whole fucking life!”

“Because you let him be.”

“What?” Wilhelm moved away from the piano bench so he could face Simon as the man stood up.

“You let him be. You know he’s just here for money, because he’s fucking broke, or something. Erik was going to help with his debt before he died, that’s what everybody says, and that’s why he wants control of your money too. If I know this. You know this. And I know you’re not stupid, Wille. You know what a good man is supposed to do, and you know what you let him get away with. You could’ve petitioned at any time for someone else to be appointed, a neutral third party even. You didn’t, and that’s your choice, so, whatever.

“And I get that you feel like you have to listen to him because he’s who your mom chose for you, and she’s your mom, but you let him control you. He can only do it because you let him. Her too. You don’t speak up for yourself, and I’ve been trying to tell you that you should do that from day fucking one.”

Wilhelm looked out the window for a moment before continuing to turn himself to face Simon again.

“I spoke up for you, Simon, you, even though I apparently can’t speak up for myself. I told August I knew he was just trying to blackmail me, or turn me against you, or whatever his stupid plan was.”

Simon stared at him, mouth slightly agape, blinking slowly.

He’s going to say thank you. He knows how hard that must’ve been for you to-

“Jesus, Wille. You’ve got to be fucking kidding! He’s threatening me. And, what? Am I supposed to be grateful you spoke up for me, and then accused me of shit that is completely unfounded? Wow. Great job, Wille. Thanks.”

“Well, I can’t have any semblance of irresponsible behavior linked to me. You know what that would mean. My mother wants to appoint August as my administrator, or worse, and if-”

“So? Now you know I got caught stealing, not dealing, not even taking, just stealing drugs one time, so, what? Now I’m irresponsible? Yeah, Wille, I did something real irresponsible. It was over a year ago. You want me to judge you based on who you were a year ago? Are you the only person who is allowed to get better?”

“No. I didn’t say that,” Wilhelm replied, crossing his arms. “Just try to see this from my perspective. This affects my future.”

“What about me? My future? Our…” Simon shook his head. “Fuck you.”

“I didn’t do anything! I said I spoke up for you, and…”

“Say it,” Simon insisted. “Go ahead. What were you going to say?”

“And I told you what happened the first chance I got. I’ve never kept a single secret from you, Simon.”

Simon backed away against the wall, around the piano. He was headed towards the front door.

“I’m trying to talk to you!” Wilhelm shouted, hitting the piano as he tried to turn around quickly, and beat Simon to the doorway. “I am in a fucked up situation.”

“Yeah? And you spoke up for me? So? When have I ever not spoken up for you?”

Simon shored his backpack on his shoulder and walked past, oblivious to the fact that Wilhelm was trying to beat him to the exit, or just moving faster than he could.

“Don’t want to be accused of keeping more secrets, so, hey, just letting you know, I’m going home."

9

Simon laid down on his bed, facing the wrong way for some reason, as soon as he got home.

He walked.

Actually, he ran part of the way, even though he didn’t have on his running shoes, and was carrying his very full backpack. The thought hit him, why aren’t you speaking up, and then he spiraled.

You are keeping more secrets. You should’ve told Wille about your arrangement with August right away, the very first day you hung out. You could’ve been so casual about it.

‘So, hey, bro, you should know I am a good fucking nurse, medical assistant, PT helper, whatever, but I only got this job because your bitch of a cousin kind of blackmailed me into it.’

Kind of?

But you should’ve explained, ‘I’m here for you. You’re a cool guy, I can tell, you definitely don’t need full-time nursing care, and your brain is clearly fine. I’m not telling him shit about you, or doing a damn thing to help him make a fucking case against you, but let’s play along, okay? So I can keep my job, and my mama and sister can keep theirs too, cool?’

It would’ve only been for, like, what, two weeks? And then, I mean by then it was so obvious you more than liked him, and you quit his care team, so even if August still thought you were going to help him, Wille would’ve known for sure that there was no way you were on that tool’s side.

Simon knew why he hadn’t done that though.

Even after talking with Wille, even after figuring out that he was fucking falling in love with him, Simon wasn’t entirely sure he was right about him not needing more support. Wille had so much money, and maybe there was a reason his family didn’t want him to have unfettered access to it, even though he still should’ve had that, even with a good man. Maybe he was bad with money? Maybe he did make impulsive decisions? Maybe he wasn’t always so good at taking care of himself?

Maybe he did need a pretty boy to motivate him? You don’t know what shit was like at the rehab place. Maybe they did try? Maybe he just refused to participate? You know that game.

Simon did go to therapy after Sara’s accident. He went to therapy on and off for years, he just didn’t participate fully. He was even in therapy when he fucked up at the hospital, and, be honest, you’d been fucking up like that for years.

And he had. He’d skim a few pills here and there, one at a time, saving them up for when he had a ‘bad night.’ He’d been doing that for a while.

He had Wille’s cousin, the other one, to thank for that.

No, not Wille's cousin. You learned that from your dad.

He did. Simon did learn that from his dad, his dad with an addiction problem, his dad who fucked their family over by hoarding his meds, or drinking himself into a stupor.

You can't get all high, literally, and mighty about not being a drunk. You're just as bad.

No, you were just as bad, he thought because he had stopped.

When Simon was arrested and fired he knew he had to stop. He knew shit had to change because he was literally killing himself. At the time, his self-worth wasn't solid enough to care that he was ruining his own life, but he knew that was what he was doing, and he couldn't sink that low, not that he could've sunk further. Simon was at rock bottom. His mama was furious, Sara fucking hated him, he ruined his career prospects, and Simon had nothing left for himself. Back then, he phrased it in his mind as, 'nothing left to live for,' but once he said it like that, he knew what he had to do.

Simon had to live for Wille, the first one. He didn't want to live anything remotely close to the life they’d planned together, Stockholm kind of sucked, he never went into music, and he obviously was never going to be some admirable public figure who used his boyfriend's wealth and status to do good in the world. He was never going to run a charity for queer youth, like they planned, but that didn't mean his life couldn't amount to anything. No, without the backing of the Crown, and a pretty poster boy 'the people' adored, he was probably never going to do any of the big things he and Wille planned to do. But Simon knew, if he didn’t change, he was never going to do small things either.

He had to redirect. Trying to live the life they'd planned together was killing him.

Simon didn't want an apartment in Stockholm, he'd already decided that wasn't the place for him when he went home to Bjärstad. And maybe he wasn't going to accomplish big things, but he was doing small things, and that wasn’t nothing. Nursing probably wasn't the right choice, and he'd never get hired on anywhere he had access to drugs again, but he did like helping people. It brought him some peace, and he was good at it. All it took was his mom suggesting a physical therapy license, same as she'd gotten when he was a teenager, for Simon to decide that was a good fucking idea. He almost even liked working out when he was in rehab. It wasn't fun, and he also hated it, but there wasn't a lot to do between his therapy sessions, and it was a good release. That was when he got into running too, not just as something to do with Rosh to hang out, but for himself. Even though he wasn't very good at it, and kind of hated every step, afterwards he usually felt a little better.

And you have barely run since you met this Wille.

You've barely run. You've barely kept your grades up. You've barely helped out at home. You’ve barely seen your friends. You're kind of obsessed with him.

Kind of?

You’re obsessed with him. You’ve gone from thinking you have to live your life, because the old Wille didn’t get to live his, to thinking you have to do it for this one, because he needs you. You can talk about how they’re two different people, and say that you love them different all you damn well please, but be for real. Instead of doing small things that are good, like getting your license, helping your loved ones, or volunteering with the kids, you’ve switched to just doing things for Wille. And, yeah, you can say you’re making his life better all you want, but fucking are you? How much better is his life now compared to when he got to Kaggeholms? He’s in better shape? He’s having fun? Is he even doing that last part?

You haven’t even had sex again, like that, and it’s been, like, what? Two weeks? He hasn’t asked. Why do you think that is? Because you act like it was some gorgeous, meaningful, epic, intimate shit, but maybe to Wille you were just a hole to fuck? He likes fucking you, yeah, but he likes other sex acts more, and that makes sense because he feels like he wasn’t really doing shit when you fucked like that. Probably didn’t feel intimate to him the way it felt to you, and he’s just fucking horny, and touch starved, and-

I think he hates you a little bit.

I think he hates that you remind him of things he feels like he can’t have. Be honest, you haven’t been running just because Wille can’t run.

And, when he finds out you kept this shit from him, not the drug shit, not stupid shit you did in the past, but the stupid shit you’re doing now? Wow. He’s really going to hate you. He thinks nobody really likes him, let alone loves him, and what? You’re going to confess that, ‘hey, guess what? I did get close to you for a fucking selfish reason?’

How the fuck do you think he’s going to feel?

You just fucking blew up at him, and, okay, he blew up at you first, but you know why you did that. You’re fucking guilty as fuck.

Jesus! What the fuck is wrong with you? You think you’re the first person to lose their first love? Most people don’t end up with their first love! For most people it’s not their last. That Wille didn’t have to be the last, obviously, you’re just so selfish you tried to force that into being. And why? So you’d have an excuse to do nothing with yourself, and fuck up all the goddamn time?

What’s your fucking excuse now? Why are you fucking up this time? Because you know, you KNOW this Wille is amazing. Hell, the only reason he gives you the time of day is because he’s disabled. If he was however the fuck many centimeters standing straight, his ass would not be with fucking you. He’s not even gay-gay. He was a fuck boy. He pulled hot girls, like, all the time. He’d be with some fancy, rich, hot girl his family approved of, not your small town, fuck-up ass.

Clearly, being at home wasn’t helping Simon feel any better. He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, spiraling. The run didn’t help, it was just practical. Simon wasn’t thinking when he left, and didn’t go down to the bus stop. To go back and catch the bus, he would’ve had to walk past the house again, and he couldn’t do that. He could imagine Wille sitting at the window, staring out at nothing. If he walked by the house again to get the bus, his view might change.

Or it might not.

Maybe this was his wake up call? It almost worked before. The last time his cousin talked to him about you he tried to dump you. He knows everybody else hates you, and just because Wille’s a nice guy doesn’t mean he’s not privileged.

Just because most of his memories are of a life in hospitals, the rehab place, and here, doesn’t mean he’s unaware of how the world works. He should be aware, and if he’s not, that’s just his privilege talking. He’s been so monitored, which sucks, yeah, but there was no chance for him to slip into depression the way you did after your accident. He doesn’t know what depression like yours is like. He doesn’t even remember his brother. Maybe he’s lucky for that because he doesn’t know what losing someone like that feels like. His brother was dead for months before he even woke up. He wasn’t fucking haunted by the guy for years.

Simon didn’t feel Wille when he fucked up though, he couldn’t use being haunted by him as an excuse. He’d stopped feeling him completely by then. He’d started his degree a year late, because he was working, and even then he took shit a little slow, also because he was working. He left during his last practical rotation, Sara had pneumonia, to go help out at home and work at the hospital as a medical assistant. Even after he didn’t feel Wille anymore, Simon had work and family to ground him, but instead of leaning into that he fucked up.

Simon made a mistake. Yeah, he’d been making that mistake for a while before he got caught, but he did get caught, it was a wake up call, he did do the work to fix his life, and it was behind him now.

And so what if he hadn’t told Wille about that? It had nothing to do with him. What? Was he required to tell him every detail about his past, or something?

Wille sure as hell hadn’t done that.

Simon barely knew anything about Wille’s life before the accident, which was fine, Wille didn’t really know anything either, nothing that wasn’t hearsay.

This was hearsay. Who knows what the fuck August told him. You were probably this junkie dealing pills he stole from the hospital, which Simon never did. And it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t care if Wille was pissed at you for that. You’re pissed at you for that! You should’ve told him, it might come up with getting August removed. He likes to mentally plan.

But Simon wasn’t removed as Sara’s good man, so he didn’t see why it would impede him from being Wille’s. He could just say the same thing he’d said last time.

’I know how powerful addiction can be. I would never sit back and watch someone I love make the same mistakes. I’m sober, I’m working, though he was just working at the Circle K back then, and I’m taking steps towards restarting my career. I want to make a difference bettering the lives and health of those around me, no one more so than my sister.

He could say the same thing again, only this time it would be for his boyfriend, if he even still had a boyfriend.

You told him you’d do this either way, and you meant it. The least you can do is not let him down like that, if that’s what he still wants. Simon told himself as he fingered one of Oski’s long tendrils of leaves.

He tried to tell himself Wille wouldn’t have spoken up to his cousin if he didn’t love him too, and Wille had a point, he didn’t speak up for himself, but he’d spoken up for Simon.

Because he doesn’t love himself.

That wasn’t a good thing though. Simon wanted Wille to love himself. He wanted Wille to see all the things he loved about him. And maybe Simon didn’t love everything about Wille, but the same had to be true for his boyfriend.

He didn’t love hearing Simon had a drug problem. That was obvious.

He won’t love hearing you got this job by agreeing to spy for August either. It’ll probably break his fucking heart. He’ll think this was all fake. He’ll think you were just getting close to him to pass along information. It won’t matter that you didn’t, or that you fell in love with him along the way.

This was so fucking wrong, and you know it.

You fucked up. Again.

Simon let Oski’s tendril fall from his fingers.

Wille’s going to be so disappointed in you. He’s always thought you were so honest. You act like you fell in love with him honestly, but what about Wille? What fucking choice did he even have? You’re the only guy who’s paid attention to him. It’s you or nothing. Forget him being your second. You’re his only. You’re the only person who loves him, and you can’t even say, ‘the only person who loves him right.’

This is wrong, always has been. You wanted to feel loved again? Well, congrats! Is it everything you dreamt it would be?

10

Wilhelm set an alarm to get down to the gym on Monday before anyone else was there.

He had to say something. Simon didn’t reply to his text the night before.

’I’m so sorry, Simon. I hope you got home safe.’

Well, he gave it a thumbs up, so Wilhelm could assume he did get home safe. He wanted to think the thumbs up was cute too, a nod to when he gave Simon a thumbs up during sex, but he was sure that was a reach.

It was a reach to think Simon would even show up for his PT session.

In case he did though, Wilhelm got up early, and took himself down to the gym to wait for Simon, hopeful he would be there, and hopeful that they could talk before Linda arrived.

“Hey,” he said, crossing the large room as soon as he saw Simon and his gold backpack. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah. Let me go put my shit down, and change. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Okay. I was just hoping we could talk before your mother-“

“Give me a minute.”

It was six minutes, and Wilhelm knew how quickly Simon could get dressed or undressed.

“What did you want to talk about?” Simon announced as he walked in, sitting against the wall by the locker room door. That put them about as far from the entry as possible, so they could maybe wrap up their conversation before Linda walked into the gym itself.

“I want to apologize again for the way I handled myself yesterday. I spent the whole night agonizing over what August told me, more so the implicit threat that he was going to tell my mother about your conviction, and that we’re-“

“She already knows.”

“She does?” Wilhelm asked.

“Why do you think they weren’t going to hire me? A video from ten years ago? I mean, that was part of it, sure, but nobody else was interviewing for the job, and I did, like, my whole nursing degree. If I’d logged in my practical hours I’d be a nurse right now. It’s just pointless to do that because nobody is ever going to hire me for a position where I have access to medications. Physical therapists aren’t prescribers, and they don’t dispense either. That’s why I picked it.”

“Oh. Well that’s ridiculous. I know you don’t have a drug-“

“I did have a drug problem, Wille. I don’t now, and I’m obviously not planning to do it again, but addiction is a disease. It runs in my family. My dad’s an alcoholic and an addict, and I knew that when I started messing around with that shit, so, yeah. Go ahead and worry about that if you want. I do too.”

“I’m not worried about that.” He wasn’t, yet. “And I didn’t know my mother already knew. I apologize, I wouldn’t have been so worried if I…”

Wilhelm decided to get out of his wheelchair, and sit against the wall beside Simon, instead of literally looking down at him.

Doing so was embarrassingly awkward, and once he did, he realized he’d just made it so Simon would have to help him back up in a few minutes. He had to help him in the gym a lot though, so maybe that wasn’t such an imposition?

“Sorry. I don’t mean to make excuses for myself. I’m very sorry, Simon. I know I raised my voice, and I was very accusatory. I apologize.”

“Okay,” Simon said with a sigh.

“Is everything okay?” Wilhelm asked, hopeful it was. Simon forgave him the last time he-

Simon turned his head slightly. “Does everything feel okay, Wille?”

No. It certainly did not.

“What can I do?”

Simon shrugged. There was not a speech about how Wilhelm could do anything he wanted to do following his shrug.

“Sorry. I’m not feeling the best today.”

“Are you unwell, or-“

“Mentally. Been thinking about you and Wille, the other Wille, like, all night. Barely slept.”

“Oh. You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about him too.”

“Yeah?” Simon sighed. “Sorry about that. Must suck knowing-“

“No. I take an extraordinary amount of comfort in knowing-“

“What?” Simon interjected, deadpan. “In knowing what?”

Wilhelm shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Nah. Don’t do this shit. You wanted to talk to me. I just wanted to get through this morning, and go home. Talk, or don’t. I could go either way.”

“Don’t you think it’s odd that he and I are so alike? My accident was even-”

“I know when your accident was, and no, you’re not alike at all. You didn’t know him, Wille, and, like, whatever people have told you about how similar you two are? That’s just, like, circumstantial, trivial shit. Yeah, it’s weird you have the same names. Yeah, it’s weird we met here, where I knew him. Yeah, the car accident thing is a really stupid coincidence, but that’s it.”

“But that’s not it,” Wilhelm protested. “I do know a little bit about him. You know, I inherited my Party Prince title from Prince Wilhelm? They used it in an article about him once, when he was a teenager, and-“

“Yeah, I know. Whatever. That too. The papers are shit, and just recycle shit, and make shit up for headlines. Lazy.”

“Well, maybe, but it’s not just that. He was in the choir with you, wasn’t he? When you were in school here? Just like I remember doing with my boyfriend? And he gave you your plants?”

Simon turned his head. “I didn’t fucking tell you he gave me my plants. That’s not on my fucking Instagram that you stalked either, Wille. Who the fuck told you that? You been looking me up, or-“

Wilhelm shrugged. What was he supposed to say?

’No, I gave you Olle. I bought him at Lidl.’

He remembered doing that. He didn’t remember giving the plant to Simon, and he didn’t know why he remembered buying it, of all the things to remember it seemed rather inconsequential, but he remembered doing it. He even remembered how close the Lidl was to the Circle K he met Simon at the night he took the bus to see him.

“I haven’t looked you up. I did go through your Instagram, and sometimes people, staff, talk to me about you, but-“

“Jesus. Of course they do.”

“Sorry. I’m not trying to upset you. I like thinking that there’s more to my being here than Kaggeholms having been for sale when my mother was looking for a place to send me. I like thinking I’m here to-“

“What? Take his place? You think that’s all this is? I wanted a new Wille? I didn’t fucking want that. Probably would’ve been better if I stuck to my guns, and didn’t get involved with anybody.”

He can’t mean that.

“I’m a fucked up person.”

“Simon,” Wilhelm picked up one of his hands. Simon didn’t pull away, but he didn’t squeeze back. “You’re not a fucked up person.”

“No, I am. It’s cool. I know I am. Sorry.”

What’s going on? I’m the one who’s usually in need of-

Oh. He needs you right now. He feels bad, and he needs you to be strong.

You should tell him you love him.

No, don’t do that. He’s upset. He’ll think you’re just saying that to make him feel better.

“I wasn’t looking to find anything with you, Wille. We’re kind of in different places in life, you and me, you know? I’m old, everyone loves reminding me I’m older than you, but I’m just kind of old inside, you know? I don’t want to be out having fun with anybody, and you’re young, so you should be having fun with people. You’re great, and cute-“

He even compliments you when he feels like shit?

“You should be with somebody who can meet you where you’re at.”

“Well,” Wilhelm tried to lighten the mood. “Where are you? I’ll join you.”

“I don’t know. The fucking cemetery?”

Oh. This is about him.

“Well, that’s alright, Simon. I honestly don’t mind that Wille was the love of your life. And, obviously, it would always be different now because I don’t remember everything I should, and what I can recall is-”

“You’re an entirely different person, Wille. What the fuck are you on about? Don’t you get that? I mean, have I done that shit of a job showing you that I don’t think you’re fucking interchangeable? Fuck. Goddamn-“

“I don’t mind that at all. I feel honored to be his stand-in, Simon. You loved him so much, and to feel any portion of what you felt-“

“That’s fucked up.” Simon said, standing up. “That’s so fucked up. Jesus! You’re not the same person. What the fuck? I told you, you’re, like, totally different people. Totally. Just because you have memories of doing dumb, ordinary, normal shit with a guy in high school, that sometimes are similar to the dumb, ordinary, normal shit I did with him, doesn’t mean you’re interchangeable. It just means I’m boring.

“You’re talking like, I don’t know, like you think you are him, or some shit. You’re fucking not, okay?”

Wilhelm closed his eyes.

Good job making everything ten times worse.

“I mean, obviously, I can’t explain how that could possibly be true, but I don’t have a single memory that doesn’t align with yours, so-

“You remember being in a sex tape giving your boyfriend a blow job? You remember being the fucking prince? No? You don’t think those were, like, really fucking important elements of my past? I’m sorry, and I’m not trying to be harsh, I’m not, and this is, like, a really normal thing for you to do, kind of piece together shit you think you remember with stuff people tell you, but this is also a little insane, Wille, and kind of insulting. Like, you really think so little of me, and so little of yourself, that, what? You think I’m just pretending you’re him, or some shit?

“Because I’m not,” Simon said, walking away to get on the treadmill just as Linda walked in. “I promise you, I am fucking not. I know what’s real and what’s not. Hey, Mama.”

That’s where we’re leaving this? With you accusing him of pretending to like you? With him feeling like you’re pretending to like him?

This isn’t pretend. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t pretend. He’s the one who told you your memories are real. And, yes, maybe he was just talking about how they feel, but you heard him, you heard how he reacted when you mentioned his plants. No one told you about that.

“You left so early today! Did you come with Sara?”

“Nah. I went for a run. Needed to clear my head a little. I’ve got to take a test online this afternoon though, so can I get a ride back after your shift?”

“Sorry, baby boy. I’m working a double. Text Sara. I don’t think she’s going to be at the stables all day.”

“Nah. I’ll just run back. I need the exercise,” he said, running at a fast clip on the treadmill. “I’m going soft. Can’t have that. I know what I’m good for.”

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Wilhelm thought, because, clearly, that was directed at him. Simon looked at him as he said it. Why was that directed at him? Because he liked having sex with Simon, and they’d been having a lot of it? Why was that a bad thing all of a sudden?

Because, all of a sudden, you just dropped on him that you like to pretend you’re his Wille. Jesus Christ! Do you hear how stupid that sounds? He’s right. You’re insane. You aren’t right in the head, and you never have been. Maybe your mother, August too, maybe they’re right. You’re not fine. You know this. You woke up wrong, and now you’ve gone and made a terrible situation with Simon a hundred thousand times worse.

He doesn’t feel loved now. He probably doesn’t even think you like him! He thinks you just like being with him. He thinks you like pretending he is the boyfriend you remember. You just made him feel like a stand-in for the boy you loved.

What the hell is wrong with you, other than everything?

11

Simon walked into Anette’s office and set his backpack down beside the chair.

This was an exit interview.

“I spoke to Wilhelm’s mother about the party tonight. I was hoping she would come, but I suppose she has somewhere else to be. I did try and emphasize that this event will be nothing like the house parties August has been hosting, and I made sure she understood that Wilhelm has had nothing to do with any of that. He spends all his time with you, and you’d never be involved with such things.”

“Well, we went to the first one,” Simon said with a shrug. “Left early, and just sat outside, but we did go.”

She waved her hand at him. “That doesn’t count.” She sighed again. “I gather your mother has spoken with her as well.”

“She’s pretty mad at me, so-“

“For?”

Simon shrugged. “Not working out with Wille the past couple days. His bodyguard spotted for him, and helped him transfer, and stuff. I’ve been busy with school exams, and shit.” An understatement. There was also ‘seducing that boy and leaving him high and dry.’ That seemed to be Linda’s chief complaint.

“I guess we broke up, and I guess he has been in a mood this week.”

Anette raised her brows. “Just between us, Wilhelm-“

“Hasn’t been cooperative. I know. Mama told me.”

Anette nodded slowly. “Do you know his mother wants to place him under a more stringent form of conservatorship? I’ve voiced my concerns about leaving that to his cousin, and before this week I would’ve called such an idea ridiculous, but, I have to say, I’m quite concerned. Have you spoken with her at all, Wilhelm’s mother? Being that you and Wilhelm are close, I wondered if-“

Were close… maybe.

“She knows how to get in touch with me,” which was a no, not recently.

“Are you coming to Lucia? We have you to thank for organizing it after all. Your friend Ayub has been a delight this week, finishing up the preparations.”

“Seriously?” Simon asked. Ayub’s work ethic was sporadic and casual. He couldn’t imagine him being a delight for the strict woman to deal with.

“And Sara is leading the procession. Don’t you want to-“

“Don’t I want to come? Kind of, yeah, but I wanted to do something nice and chill for the holidays, for Wille. Don’t think it will be nice or chill for him if I come. His best friend will be there. He’ll be okay.”

“I don’t think he plans to attend, Simon.”

But I did this for him…

“He said, when he was in school, Christmas was kind of a bust because most people went home.” Wille went home, and didn’t have a good time.

‘The only Christmas I remember, when I was a teenager, I was miserable. That’s all I remember, being in that big house, alone, even though it was full of people, and miserable.’

“But Lucia was nice. I remember him saying that,” and, at the time, Simon didn’t give a shit about the validity of Wille’s memories. He remembered what he remembered, and if he remembered Lucia being nice, and Christmas sucking, Simon wasn’t going to argue with that. It was easy enough to make Lucia fun at Kaggeholms. Sara’s plan was such a good one, and would be such fun for the kids. It seemed like a great idea at the time. They did have fun organizing everything, even though Simon had bad memories tied to that day. He’d thought doing something positive, something that was only fun for him and Wille, would be a good way to let go of that pain.

“He’s really going to sit in his room all night, and just watch the cars drive up from town?”

“Well, the curtains are usually closed.” This was why Simon loved Anette. “But I think so. Maybe you should talk to him?”

“Yeah? And maybe he should apologize.”

“And maybe I should fire you for not showing up to work for four days?”

Simon took a piece of candy from the dish on her desk. “Only missed two shifts,” he said as he unwrapped it, popping it in his mouth. “Maybe I’ve been sick,” he said, pretending to cough. “I can get you a doctor’s note.”

“Don’t make it more. People have been dropping like flies. I lost two of the girls over the weekend.” She sighed. “They brought in too many people at first, and now that there’s fewer left-“

“And more work for everyone else, then more people leave.” Simon shrugged. “I’ll be here tomorrow to help with clean up, and thanks for not cancelling this when I flounced.”

“Well, most of the work was already done, and it would be impossible to uninvite people when we advertised it as an open house.” Anette sighed. “Also, I heard what was said in the foyer the other day. I thought you deserved some space.” She rose from behind her desk, circling to pat Simon on the back. “Anyone can see you two are good together. Reminds me of that boy you used to date. You smile when he walks into the room, or, you know…”

“Enters. Yeah,” Simon smirked. “I do.”

Do you?

“I did. Like I said, I think we broke up.”

“Because of that argument?”

Simon shrugged. “Because of a lot of things. That’s part of it though. Like, what the hell, Anette? I know I fucked up last year. Got it. Am I fucking up now? No. But it feels like anytime I make a mistake, or, like, anytime something bad happens to me, nobody ever lets me fucking forget it. Like, folks act like I deserve every bad thing that ever happens to me now. Why? What did I do that means it’s okay for people to treat me like shit? My dad is a fuck-up? What does that have to do with me? Somebody invaded my privacy when I was a teenager? Okay, how was that my fault? My fucking boyfriend died in a tragic accident? I was not even fucking driving, and, like, the guy who did it is the one who should be blamed. I was depressed, traumatized, and I acted out? Okay, that one is on me, but I did the work to get better, and not repeat that mistake, but, like, what? It doesn’t even fucking matter? Too much bad shit happened to me that, what? Now I just deserve bad shit?

“It’s not fucking fair. Like, sorry my life hasn’t been perfect. Sorry I’m a brown kid from a shitty, small town. Sorry I’ve had to work hard, and overcome all this bullshit, and I’m not, like, some stupid, flawless human being who’s above it all. I’m not fucking above any of it. That shit weighs on a person, and I am fucking trying, you know?

“I know I flaked on you this week. Sorry about that,” Simon apologized. “But I’ve been at the hospital with the kids, like, every fucking day, trying to make shit fun for them. It’s not like I’m sitting here wallowing in my feelings. I try to be a good person. Sorry I don’t measure up.

“Sorry I dumped on you,” Simon concluded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry. I know nobody wants to hear how-“

“Do you want to talk?” The housekeeper asked, sitting down at her desk again. “I would love the excuse to not go back to work, Simon.”

Simon sat down too. “Me too, obviously, but make me a list of any shit that needs to get done before tonight. I’ll knock it out for you before I leave. Promise.”

“Alright.” Anette tore a piece of paper off a little pad and uncapped her pen, quickly scribbling something before pushing the paper across her desk.

“Come to the open house,” Simon read aloud. “Okay, yeah, but I’m probably going to knock out early. I’ll come back in the morning though for clean up. Promise.”

12

Wilhelm looked to the small door of his room as he heard a rustling sound. It was not about to be opened, Felice was not barging in to see that he was dressed to come to the procession with her.

It was just a slip of paper. In very nice handwriting, not Simon’s rounded print letters, it read, ‘Come to the open house.’

There was more on the back though, and that part was in Simon’s writing.

Everybody here came to see you. There are other Lucia things they could be at. The school does one. Folks are coming here to be nice to you. You can get on your high horse about pity, if you want, but people appreciate you being here, Wille. They appreciate the jobs, and not seeing the town landmark fall to ruin. Be a real shame if you don’t let them appreciate you too. — Simon

Wilhelm tossed the note before taking himself back to bed.

He could’ve texted, he thought, eyeing the Lucia robe and crown that had been left on his desk by his nurse for the day.

He did all this for you. He has plenty of other ways to mark the holidays. He’ll have Christmas with his family in a few weeks. Simon arranged this for you. You can get on your high horse about how he abandoned you, if you want, but he just reached out. He appreciates you, and doesn’t want to see you ruin your progress. Be a real shame if you let him down.

Wilhelm swallowed.

He was a mess. He needed a shower. He wasn’t sure the last time he’d taken a real, proper shower. Sunday? No, Monday.

It had only been four days since he showered, and Linda gave him a sponge bath on Wednesday, entirely against his will, though he didn’t fight her on it.

Simon showers twice a day, and you smell, Wilhelm told himself, already in his chair, crossing through the dressing room to the bathroom. He didn’t knock, even though he knew Felice was staying across the hall, and might’ve forgotten to lock both doors, something he only remembered once he’d opened it. The bathroom was empty though, and Wilhelm went to the mirror to look at himself.

A shower was not going to fix things. It wouldn’t hurt, but Wilhelm did not ‘look good.’ He looked how he felt, hopeless. Of course he hadn’t meant to yell at Simon, or upset him, and of course Simon was right, everything he said was right, but Simon couldn’t understand how panicked he was at the time. Both times they’d spoken since the weekend, Wilhelm was panicked. It didn’t matter that hours had passed since August’s little meeting when they argued in the foyer. His words were as fresh in his mind as if he’d just said them, and Wilhelm was scared. That alone was enough, but anyone questioning Simon and his motives was enough to rattle him too.

And their conversation in the gym, if it could even be called a conversation, was an absolute disaster.

Simon did not think that a potential link, whatever it may be, between himself and the other Wille was romantic. Simon did not think the similarities between Wilhelm’s memories of his boyfriend, and Simon’s memories of his own, were a nice coincidence.

And that’s all it fucking is, a nice coincidence. Hell, it’s not even a nice coincidence. How could you ever think there is anything nice about it? He loved that boy. He loved him with his whole heart, even though their lives were complicated. Then he died. Just because you love him with all of yours, not that you’ve ever told him that, doesn’t mean it’s the same.

Of course it’s not the same!

Why were you trying to imply that it’s the same!

You have amnesia. You had a serious head injury, you were in a coma, and you experienced a very traumatic event. Your brain knew you were too stupid and weak to ever cope with knowing everything you’d lost, so it dumbed shit down for you. All you lost was a teenage boyfriend you barely remember, something normal people get over.

Simon did.

And Simon was too good to be true. Anything Wilhelm ever thought he’d felt for anyone else was nothing compared to his feelings for Simon, feelings he couldn’t even properly express. He loved him, and couldn’t allow anyone to attack him, unless he was the one doing it himself, apparently.

And what could he even say to him now? I’m sorry?

Yes, Wilhelm was sorry. He was sorry for what he'd said, thought, and felt because he was a sorry excuse for a man.

You are a toddler. You act like a toddler, and need people to care for you like a toddler. He is a man. Simon has lived ten times the life you’ve led, twenty, a hundred, Wilhelm escalated in his mind. How much could he ever live with you? You are an albatross around his neck. You’ve caused him nothing but trouble. He’s already filed to take on more, and then he’ll never be rid of you. You’ll never want to let go, and he’s too good of a man to leave on his own. He went against his own mother, who is wonderful, to aide his sister. He’d never leave you to someone like August.

A young man gave Wilhelm a candle after Malin brought him outside to the bonfire. Wilhelm barely remembered showering, dressing, or calling for her to bring him down. It was as though one second he was in his room, staring at Simon’s crumpled note, and the next he was there, being handed a candle. Wilhelm took it before realizing he now couldn’t move, even though Simon was on the other side of the blaze, caroling with the other domestic workers.

He waved to him with his candle, nodding down at his chair to signal that he was stuck.

Simon shrugged.

Just come over here, please? What am I supposed to do? Self immolate to reach you? he thought as a wind blew across the lake and up the hill, snuffing the candle out. Around him, girls were laughing as their candles were similarly darkened, tipping them towards the bonfire to relight them. Wilhelm tossed his in, and headed down the hill, towards the lake, hoping Simon would follow. The house was full of people, staff setting up the dessert reception, and guests passing through to come out back. They couldn’t slip away to talk there, but the lights were on in the dorms and the old school, so he headed that way.

“Here?” Simon began when they reached the patio of the school building, tipping Wilhelm’s chair back to rock it up the low steps. He must have seen him leave, and followed him, for some reason.

“Why here?“ Simon asked, dejected, looking around the classroom Wilhelm turned into. “Did you want me to follow you, or what? I saw you-“

“Yes. I did.”

Of course I did. I haven’t seen you in days!

No one turned on the lights, but the blaze from the bonfire lit the room well enough to see.

Simon leaned against the first row of desks, humming. “So, what? Am I supposed to apologize here? For not wanting to talk about this stupid-”

Wilhelm shook his head. “I’m sorry about all that. I just wanted you to know, so you wouldn’t worry, that I don’t mind that I-”

Simon sighed. “Yeah, well, now I know, and I am worried. Hearing that shit was very fucking worrisome.”

“I didn’t want to lose you. The way I see it, and I know this is stupid, I’m just fucked in the head, but I didn’t have anything to lose before the accident, which, yes, of course that’s wrong. I lost my fucking brother, and I’m sure if he was here right now he’d be telling me what a moron I am too. But when your Wille died, you lost so much, Simon. And I know it’s wrong of me, I know I’m not him, and could never be, but I don’t mind that he was the love of your life. I don’t mind that I will, obviously, never compare to him. But, the way I see it, I had nothing to come back for, and he-“

“He died, Wille. He died, like, ten years ago.”

“I know. I know! I know,” Wilhelm repeated. “It’s stupid. I’m stupid. That night, after August spoke to me… it’s just… he wants you out of my life because without you, I have no one.”

Wilhelm crossed his arms tighter around his waist.

And he got what he wanted. I lost you, and now I have no one. I don’t even have myself. I’m just a child. No one can depend on me. Not myself, not you-

Simon scoffed as he stood up for a moment before leaning forward, putting his arms around Wilhelm’s shoulders, faces buried in one another’s necks as Wilhelm grabbed onto as much of Simon as possible. His fingers fit against the muscles on Simon’s sides, and he held onto him as tightly as he could.

Simon couldn’t lean down like that forever though, and rubbed the backs of Wilhelm’s shoulders as he stood up again, so close that the front of his legs were pressed against the footrest on Wilhelm’s chair. He didn’t let go of his neck though, even as Wilhelm’s arms fell slack in his lap, and after stretching, Simon put his forehead against his.

They both had damp hair from their evening showers, in spite of the cold wind outside.

Wilhelm tried to take a deep breath, sniffing back tears as Simon’s fingers danced along the back of his neck.

He couldn’t breathe anyways, and there was nothing else he could say, so Wilhelm pushed the man’s face up with his own to kiss him quickly.

He expected Simon to let go and jump back, shouting at him the way he’d shouted the last time they spoke, but he only shook his head slowly, rubbing their noses together as he whispered, “I’m not lost, Wille. I’m right here, see?”

Simon shook his head. “I don’t want to think about any of that crap you were on about at the gym, or now, or anything. I don’t ever want to think about that. I did lose that Wille. He’s gone, and he’s not you, you’re not him, and you’re not, like, taking his place. You can’t take his place because, if the last ten years taught me a damn thing, it’s that there’s no place for him in my life now. He’s just a memory, and that’s okay. He’s a good memory. I like thinking about him, yeah, but I can’t get lost in my memories anymore, and you shouldn’t either.

“Please, Wille, please. Please, don’t lose yourself in this.”

Wilhelm nuzzled Simon this time. “There’s nothing to lose. I’m nobody, Simon. If I don’t have those memories, if they’re not real, I don’t know who I am.”

13

“You’re my nobody,” Simon said louder than they’d been whispering. He didn’t let go of Wilhelm’s neck, but he stood up, arms outstretched.

“And that’s not all you are. You’re a student. You’re studying literature, not history, because you love reading. Maybe you didn’t love reading before your accident, but you love it now because everything is new. Books you’re sure you’ve read before, because your notes from high school are in the margins, you get to read all over again like they’re new. You’re a reader, Wille, and you love movies, and music because everything is new to you. Do you know what I would pay to go back and watch my favorite show all over again, like it was the first time?”

Simon laughed. “Metaphorically, because I can’t afford to stream it unless it’s only, like, forty kronor, but I would definitely pay that much,” he joked.

“You’re not an animal lover, you sort of hate horses, but I think we can turn you into a plant boy. You’re a picky eater, and you are fucking stubborn as fuck, but you’re a hard worker once you get going, when you want to be. Your favorite color is blue, and don’t say you don’t know what your favorite color is, like you did the last time I asked,” Simon said, almost laughing. “Like, half your clothes are blue, so fuck that. It’s blue. You say you love being held, but I think you like having someone to hold more.

“You’re my boyfriend.” This declaration was softer. “And I’d do anything for you, even if it means leaving when I don’t want to.

“I don’t want to though. I don’t ever want to. Let me bring my plants over and I won’t, not if you ask me to stay.”

But, “the other day, you left-“

“Because you were fucking yelling at me, and it felt like you didn’t want me to stay.” he whispered.

“You wanted to go.”

Simon shook his head, resting it on Wille’s. “I wanted you to listen to me.”

“I always listen to-“

He was still shaking his head. “You don’t, or you wouldn’t say you’re nobody. You hear me, that I’ll give you, but you don’t always listen. How many times have I told you-“

Wille interrupted. “Because I’m too stupid, and too inexperienced to-“

“You’re not, and that’s just an excuse. I know who you are, Wille. I know who I am. I’m your boyfriend.”

If there hadn’t been caroling outside, if everyone at Kaggeholms had been quiet, if they were listening to them, they would’ve heard Wille gasp behind the closed doors of the old school.

This is where I loved him. They’re not the same. If they were the same, he wouldn’t have brought me here, to this same fucking room, to relive this goddamn moment again. Wille would remember this. He’d remember how his cousin wanted to blame me for that kid who got caught with drugs, your dad’s drugs. Yeah, slightly different mistake, but same vibe. This Wille would be mad about that too, just like that one was.

But that's your mistake, not his. You caused this problem. You can’t be pissed at someone for being pissed at you when you’re the one who fucked up. You did leave Wille, and when does leaving ever help? He’s been a mess all week. If you love this guy, he did, you have to clean up the mess you made. Look at him. He needs you.

Yes, it was nonsensical to think there was anything tying Wille to Simon before they even fucking met, but it was no more nonsensical than Simon repeating his mistakes.

This is your chance to do things right. You wasted so much time with the other Wille. Don’t waste another second with this one.

Simon kissed Wille.

You don’t believe in ghosts, or souls, or God. You don’t believe in anything like that, but you do believe in love. You’ve never not believed in love. You believed in Wille’s love even after he died.

You’ve always loved Wille.

Simon spoke without lifting his lips off of Wille’s. “You are my Wille.” He shook his head, rubbing their noses together before he let go and stood up. “That’s all you ever have to be.”

14

“Shit, we’re going to miss it!” Simon said as he backed Wille’s wheelchair outside, and off the patio. “Let me push you?” He asked, hopeful Wille would agree.

“Just leave me at the end of the procession, and go join your-“

“I’m not leaving you at the fucking end of the line.”

“I’m slow in the grass. I’ll hold up-“

“So? Let me push you then? It’s your house. Sara is only Lucia tonight because it’s your house, and Felice was kind of a brat about it, good for her. But nobody, okay, except Mama, Rosh, and Ayub, are here to see Sara. They’re here to see you,” Simon said, practically jogging as he pushed Wille across the lawn, past the two lines of young people assembled for the procession, giving one of his favorite kids a high five as they cut in front of her.

“We’re too old for-“

“You’re always saying you’re a toddler. It’s cute when toddlers do adult shit. Come on! This party is for you!”

Simon heard Wille swallow. “I know. You did all of this for me. Thank you… but aren’t the girls supposed to go first? We should at least-“

“I’m gay. You’re fruity. Close enough. Who cares! It’s your fucking house, and this is your fucking party.”

Wille looked back at Simon and swallowed again, patting his hand. “It’s your party, so you can do whatever you want. It’s your night. You did all of this.”

“Well, I flaked out the last couple of days, but let’s not sweat the details.”

About anything, please.

“Yes. You’re right. All that matters is that we’re,” Wille turned part way round again, asking, “we’re together again?”

“I’m literally right here,” Simon whispered, leaning over his shoulder to kiss his boyfriend’s cheek. “Didn’t turn invisible, did I?”

Felice was pushing Sara, most of the kids with wheelchairs had people pushing them too, with one line going up the ramp that had been built before Wille arrived, which was too steep for someone to comfortably go up on their own, and the other up the new zig-zagging ramp Simon had been working on before he stopped showing up for work. He figured Rosh must’ve finished it for him, even though she was very unsympathetic to his argument with Wille.

’Yeah, but you knew he was like this. Before you started working there, you knew he was like this. You knew he was stupid rich. Maybe he has a lot to worry about, and maybe he does worry about his money, I don’t know, but he doesn’t worry about money like you or me. He’s never going to worry about not having a place to live, he just doesn’t like the place where he lives.’

‘I think he does though. I think he does like it here.’

‘I think he likes you, and he’d like to be wherever you are, but moot point. You’re here.’ she said as they sat together on Simon’s bed. She was holding his shoulders, and Simon was pretending she was Wille.

“Did you squeeze your blanket?” Simon asked quietly as soon as the song was over, and both lines of young people found their way indoors, looking for their families and friends.

“What?”

“Did you-“

“I heard you. What do you mean?” Wilhelm asked as Simon looked for Sara and Felice.

“That little checkered blanket on the foot of your bed, my blanket.”

“Oh. No. I cocooned myself up in it as tightly as I could.”

Simon leaned behind Wille’s back, and held his shoulders as tightly as he could too. “I call it tonight.”

The man pulled away to turn around and face him in his chair. “You’ll stay? Tonight?”

Simon smiled and nodded. “Want me to?”

“There’s nothing that would ever make me not want that Simon,” a phrase Simon screamed in his head a few moments later.

Simon realized they needed to go upstairs immediately.

“Let’s go take off our robes. Everybody’s going to want to talk to you, and they should see just how cute you are in your cute little collars, and jackets, and stuff,” Simon said, throwing his headpiece onto Wille’s lap to try and make the front of his robe less visible. He took the handles on his chair again without asking too, trying to quickly plow through the bodies in the dining room to get to the foyer.

“You don’t like my cute, little-“ Wille began, one hand on Simon’s headpiece, one hand on the collar of his robe, as he started to turn to look at him. Obviously, he was going to figure out why they were leaving in a minute, but Simon was hoping he wouldn’t notice until they were out of the room.

“Shit,” the man whispered, though it wasn’t that bad, thankfully. “I didn’t know. Sorry. Yes, let’s-“

“Leaving so soon?” August asked, blocking the doorway from the dining room. “Wilhelm, everybody-“

“We’ll be back in a minute. Move,” Simon said, unceremoniously pushing Wille forward, knocking into the man’s stupid, long legs, entirely on purpose.

“Hey!” August shouted, grabbing Wilhelm’s shoulder so he couldn’t go further. “I will not allow you to, literally, run me down in my own-“

He noticed.

Please, just let us by! Simon pleaded in his mind, wondering if he should keep pushing Wille, and really knock the motherfucker over, or what.

What was he supposed to say? He didn’t want to say anything! Simon never wanted to talk to that creep, never had, and never would.

And anybody that close to them could see what was wrong without removing the camouflage Simon had attempted to put in place.

If he was a normal person he would show a little compassion, but, of course, August was not a normal person. He was the most abnormal, morally bankrupt human being Simon had ever had the displeasure of knowing.

He’s going to tell his mom. He’s going to tell her Wille had an accident at the party, and she’s going to make a whole, big fucking deal about it, as if it’s not a perfectly normal, unimportant, nothing, bullshit, easily remedied, pointless detail to harp on. He can’t feel it when he has to go. Big fucking deal! That’s not a fucking new development. It’s not a fucking surprise. He was so upset down at the school, I shouldn’t have even made him do the fucking procession.

But Simon was sure, absolutely sure, Wille had been fine then. Simon was leaning on his lap, and he would’ve noticed if it was wet. Hell, he remembered looking over his shoulder when they went past the bonfire, and he was fine then too. This had just fucking happened, probably when they went through the door, over the fucking shit bumpy transition strip, or on that fucking too steep ramp. Simon picked the steep side since Sara was going up the good one.

Nobody saw. We’d know if anybody else saw. They would’ve said something, which was exactly what August was about to do. He reached down and briefly lifted the headpiece, clicking his tongue.

“Oh, Wilhelm,” he whined. “Honestly, again?”

“August, shut the fuck up, and let us by. I’ve got this. It’s no big deal. We’ll be back down in a second.”

“It is a big deal, Simon. Don’t you understand what an embarrassment it would be if he did something like this in front of people who matter?”

Don’t fucking YOU?! Shut the fuck up, and let us by!

“August, move,” Wilhelm said softly, as his cousin stepped back, leaning against the piano.

“I have to tell your mother about this,” he said loudly as they made their way into the foyer. “She needs to know you can’t be trusted to-“

Simon stopped and turned around, holding one handle of Wille’s chair behind his back as he stared at the man.

“Trusted? I don’t even care whatever the fuck thing you were about to say. Fucking trusted? Jesus fucking Christ! It’s fucking nothing, okay? Show a little fucking compassion, for once in your goddamn life, and shut the fuck up, asswipe.”

He laughed. “Suppose that’s what’s on your mind right now, huh, Simon?”

Sara was in the doorway. “Jesus, can both of you tone it down? You’re making a scene.”

“Think Wilhelm’s already got that covered, literally,” August joked, slapping a hand on the top of the piano.

“What? What are you talking about? Because he came up to the house with me? Who cares! I don’t care. Nobody else cares. It didn’t take anything away from me to walk beside-“

“He pissed himself, Sara.”

Sara blinked slowly as Simon felt Wille pull his chair out from under his hand, turning part way around.

“Okay. And? So what?”

“So what? Aren’t you the one who told me how humiliating-“

“Yes, August. It’s humiliating, but not as humiliating as a grown man making a scene over normal bodily functions.”

That’s my girl.

“God, why are you like this?” Sara questioned. “You know, I've stood up for you, multiple times. I’ve been telling Simon you’re not so bad, and that you have your cousin’s best interests at heart, you two just disagree on what those are, even though that shouldn’t even matter because Wilhelm should be in charge of his own life.”

“Shouldn’t be, clearly,” August scoffed. “He can’t even-“

“We had that conversation about humiliation when the same fucking thing happened to me, August. What? Should I not be in charge of my own life either? Should I have someone breathing down my neck about my schedule, and personal care? Is that what you think?”

Shit. They are friends, Simon thought, before August even began to reply.

“No. Sara, of course not. Anyone can see how capable and-“

He tried to touch her shoulder, but Sara slapped his hand away. Hard.

“Anyone can see you are incapable of being a decent human being, anyone except me, I suppose. Guess I should have an administrator too, huh? A Guardian? Are you angling for that job? With me? I don’t come with a fat bank account, like Wille, but that’s not the honey pot you’re after with me now, is it?”

“Simon,” Wille said, tugging on the sleeve of his robe.

“Be right there. I have to-“ Simon began to say, stepping away to put his arms around Sara, crouched at her side, hushing her.

“Why?” She asked, calmer. “Why should I be quiet? It’s not enough that Wille’s disabled, and he’s constantly flexing his fabulous life to him, you had to go and do this, August?” She asked him. “How would you like it if-“

“Shh,” Simon said, kissing her hair, just below her wreath, which he straightened before standing up.

“Out,” Simon said loudly. “Get. The fuck. Out.”

“This is my home too, Simon, remember? Remember when I hired you, despite knowing about your drug conviction and your sex scandal? Remember that? Remember how you said you’d help me with Wilhelm? Make sure he has the help he so obviously needs? Help his mother and I make the case that he needs more assistance? I’ve been talking with Sara about her rehabilitation too, and it’s clear that Wilhelm is never going to rise to her level. How can you even argue against that when it’s so clear he can’t take care of himself. He can’t even keep himself dry!“

“Oh, so now it’s my fault you’re going after Wille? Because I told you about my rehabilitation journey?” Sara spat. “We’re not the same fucking person, August. We don’t even have the same injury! I had a complete spinal cord injury, and a year out I knew nothing was going to change. Wille doesn’t. For all I fucking know, which is nothing, he may feel varying levels of sensation, which can make it difficult to tell when-“

“This is my party,” Simon interrupted. “And you’re uninvited. Leave. Didn’t you say you were going to move into one of the cabins? Looks like this is a good fucking time to do that. Get out.”

Anette had come to join them, as well as several people who had absolutely no right to claim witness to such a private scene.

“August, I think it would be best for you to leave.”

“I’ll call his mother. I think she-“

“Go right ahead.” Anette said, offering him her phone. “I have some things to say to her as well.

“Simon,” she said, turning to him with a hand on his shoulder that made him jump. “Could you, oh, Sara,” she said, as though Sara needed him more than Wille. Sara had their mother, and Felice, and her friends.

Wille didn’t have anyone else.

Probably feels like he doesn’t have anybody right about now, Simon thought as he patted Sara’s lap and stood up to take the three steps back to stand with his boyfriend.

“Malin,” Anette said to the woman who was already beside him. “Could you see to Wilhelm for a moment? Bring him upstairs? I don’t know who is on duty, or where they-“

Malin agreed, taking hold of Wille’s chair as he grabbed his push rims.

“No.” Wille launched himself forward, turning around the back of the piano to reach Simon and Sara.

“Your brother is right. This isn’t your fault. Anything you said to him about me, in confidence, was only meant for-“

“I didn’t tell him anything about you!” Sara shouted. “You told me not to, Simon,” she continued, looking up at her brother as she shrugged him off. “I thought he was talking to me just to talk to me, because he was interested in what I had to say. I don’t even know you, Wille, and even if I did, I would’ve only said good things, unlike you,” she said, scowling at her brother in disbelief. “How could you, Simon?”

“I did only say good things,” Simon replied softly. “I made it seem like I would help, but I just did it so you and Mama could work-“

“You did this for yourself. God, you’re so fucking selfish! You waste every opportunity that falls in your lap because you’re never satisfied with anything, Simon.

“Even coming here,” Sara continued. “The headmistress worked her ass off getting you another scholarship somewhere after the school closed, but you wouldn’t even go. You could be a musician right now, like you wanted, if you hadn’t been so fucking selfish! You act like you’re so selfless, but you’re not. You’re always throwing all the things you do for me in my face.

“He’ll do it to you too, Wille. Trust me. You’ll never hear the end of how much selfless Simon loves doing things for you. It’s how he justifies being a selfish son of a bitch, who wastes every opportunity he has.”

15

“Sara is right,” Simon said quietly when Wilhelm entered his room. Simon had gone in through the narrow door, and was waiting on the edge of the bed while Wilhelm used the restroom and changed his pants. He got up to take his Lucia robe from him, and put it in the hamper.

“I do waste every opportunity. She’s right. You don’t have to tell me it’s true. I know it is. I know I’m selfish. I’m sorry I ru-“

Wilhelm nearly ran Simon down crossing the room to stop him from heading to the door again.

“You didn’t ruin anything. Nothing’s ruined.” He said, slapping the door shut.

On the contrary, this was sort of wonderful. When faced with the decision of retaining August as his good man, or passing those duties off to someone else, how could any magistrate disagree with Wilhelm’s wishes to have someone else in that role now? Someone who was truly looking out for him and his welfare? Embarrassing him at a holiday party Wilhelm, or rather Simon, was throwing for the whole village? How could that possibly be skewed as being beneficial for his welfare and wellbeing?

“Wille, what are we going to do? I did this. I agreed to tell August what he wanted to hear just so I could get this job. Mama and Sara too. Mama shouldn’t be working herself to the bone at the hospital when she could…”

Simon sat down again, leaning on his knees, covering his face. “Sorry. It’s all just excuses. I didn’t tell him shit though. I swear… and I’m still making-“

“Excuses,” Wilhelm sighed as he moved in front of him, and Simon lowered his head onto their joined hands. “It’s okay. I know you probably didn’t want to be my friend at first,” Wilhelm said as he let go so he could transfer to the bed. He picked up Simon’s hands again, locking all of their fingers together as he sat beside him.

“No, I did.” Simon whispered. “As soon as I met you, I thought, ‘this kid’s okay. What the fuck?’ And not kid, sorry, I just meant…“ Simon trailed off and put his head on Wilhelm’s shoulder.

“You told me you had to ask August to even come to the welcome party, and bring Sara. And I’m pretty sure, after that night, you just liked me. Liking me has only ever made your life more complicated. I know you wouldn’t have pretended to like me because it would’ve been easier not to. You were very torn up over-“

“I don’t deserve to ever get my physical therapy license. Ever. I can’t do this shit. I can’t not get involved, or make stupid mistakes. I’m sorry. Sara’s right, she’s so right. I bet wanting to help you is selfish. I do feel good when-“

“Shh. Don’t say anything.” This was a pointless argument. If Wilhelm understood correctly, August was claiming, and Simon was confirming, that he’d agreed to help him make a case with his mother that Wilhelm needed more ‘support’ than what August was already providing.

But Simon hadn’t actually done that. Hell, he’d volunteered to be Wilhelm’s good man. The paperwork was filed. Wilhelm was not going to hold something Simon said he would do before he even met him against the man. It was nothing. Simon had done nothing.

Nothing? He’s done everything for you! You know he is sincere. August isn’t. He thinks he can toy with you. You can’t let him get away with this.

“But, Wille, everyone heard that. Everyone heard what August just said.”

Wilhelm let go, and leaned over his own legs, growling. Everyone probably had heard them. He hadn’t meant to, but Wilhelm definitely caused a scene.

His mother was always going on about him causing a scene.

“But, no matter what, nobody should make your choices for you,” Simon said, putting his hand on Wilhelm’s shoulder. “If you don’t want August here, or to have more of a say in your life, you can’t let them speak for you. You have to speak up, Wille, for your sake. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Wilhelm sighed, leaning against Simon this time. “No, we didn’t. We didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t choose this, but we’re in it together,” he said, shifting as one of his legs slid forward across the floor boards.

His shoe scuffed loudly, so maybe Simon thought he was going to slip off the bed, or maybe he could just tell Wilhelm needed to be held, cradling his head against his chest as he played with his hair.

“You don’t hate me?”

Wilhelm shook his head.

No, Simon. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I woke up knowing nothing except that I was in love with you.

“I am sorry,” Simon continued. “Even if you did need more assistance, it was wrong of me to agree to help August prove that point. If it was true, it was going to be true, and the people in charge could make that call, not some idiot like me. I know I’ve justified a lot of my unethical behavior, and I’m sorry for that too, but this mistake was the worst. There was no possible benefit for you, no matter how much I pretend-“

“This isn’t pretend,” Wilhelm whispered, as much to himself as to quiet Simon.

“No. It’s not pretend. It’s very real. My feelings for you are very real. Always have been.”

Always…

Wilhelm took a deep breath. “Good.” He half laughed, shaking his chest once. “Now we’ve both consoled the other tonight, so I don’t have to feel so pathetic.”

Simon laughed through his nose. “Well, that’s good, I guess, because you’re not.

“This is selfish, I know, but it’s kind of nice that you’re so pure. Like, everybody starts out that way. Everybody starts out just asking to be loved, and cared for, and made to feel safe. The longer you live, the less important that becomes though. It’s all work, and money, and status, and having things, and getting laid, or being liked, when, really, none of those things matter if you feel loved, and safe.”

“I feel that way with you,” which was almost saying, ‘I love you.’

“I feel loved and safe. That’s all that matters, Simon.”

Simon hummed, pulling Wilhelm down onto the bed with him, moving his legs onto the bed with his feet.

“You have cute feet,” Wilhelm said as he scooted over towards the wall.

“Feet?” Simon questioned with a smile. “In my cute white socks that are grey as fuck? Feet? You’re just copying me because I said you have cute ankles.”

“You have cute everything. Your teeth are cute.”

“My teeth?” Simon rolled his lips in. “Well,” he began, pulling Wilhelm close to his chest, rubbing one of his legs with his cute feet. “You have cute teeth too. You’re just a cute person. If someone can be an ugly person, who’s to say they can’t be a cute person? You’re a cute person.”

“You’re a cute person,” Wilhelm corrected.

“You really don’t hate me?” Simon asked. “You were so mad at me the other day, when, like, I didn’t do anything, nothing new at least, but-“

“I could be mad,” Wilhelm confessed, “I could be mad about a lot of things, but I’m not. I just don’t want things to be any harder for us.”

Simon kissed Wilhelm gently. “I like that you said us.”