Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Steve was perhaps the worst, most inept handler the Asset had ever had. Steve gave no orders to follow out, no rules to abide by, no punishments for mess ups. There was no training schedule, no wipes, no- no anything. The Asset did what it could, it shadowed a few steps behind it’s handler, followed the few orders it did get and answered every question Steve asked. 

And yet Steve still looked sad all the time. Was it doing something wrong? It was hard to behave when there were no rules to stick to. It answered every question as quickly and as truthfully as it could, but it seemed like everything it said made the corner of Steve’s lips downturn. It made its handler sad, disappointed. Steve must be disappointed in him but yet no punishment ever came. It made the Asset uneasy. Some of it’s previous handlers would delay punishments, some kind of mental torture, have the Asset on edge for days waiting for the blow to finally come. Is that what Steve was doing? Was Steve keeping track of all of the Asset’s wrong doings and then there would be one big punishment?

It missed its old handler. It missed Rumlow. Rumlow never delayed punishments, the back of his hand came swift and firm. Rumlow was easy to understand and even easier to please, its old handler liked the Asset to kneel and sit pretty and do as it was told, and the Asset was so good at that, but no one asked him to do it anymore. No one asked it to do anything. 

The Asset had been waiting for a mission but none ever came. It picked up the courage to ask once, not Steve, it hadn’t asked Steve. The Asset’s voice must upset Steve so it didn’t speak to him without being asked first. No, it asked Natalia. Natalia was quiet but occasionally she would mumble to the Asset in Russian when no one else was listening, just off handed comments, but it reminded the Asset of how some of the old STRIKE team would talk to it. Sometimes Rollins would have a bad day and after taking it out on the Asset he would tell it about his day. It was almost like that. 

So the Asset had asked Natalia, quietly in Russian, while Steve was distracted talking to Sam about what they’d cook for dinner. They spent a few nights a week like this, in its handlers apartment. Steve, Sam and Natasha would drink wine or beer and cook dinner and the Asset would sit on the couch or at the breakfast bar and observe them quietly. 

“Mission soon?” 

Since Stark had taken the arm the Asset found some things a little uncomfortable, and some things impossible to do- like tying back its hair. So when Natalia came round she would sit on the couch and have the Asset kneel down between her knees while she brushed back the Asset’s hair and pulled it into a bun. It was one of the only things the Asset found himself looking forward to. It was almost familiar, kneeling on the floor between someone's thighs, being told to sit still, being told it was doing a good job sitting still. 

Natalia wasn’t gentle either, not like when Steve had done its hair the first few times after bringing the Asset back to the Avengers Compound. No Steve was gentle and brief. Natalia pulled, sometimes yanked, she wasn’t gentle, and the Asset found it comforting. Everyone else here was so soft. It was infuriating. 

“No mission” had been her reply. Steve and Sam were bickering and the radio was playing funk music on low, too distracted to hear Natasha’s voice as she added “They want you to be a civilian now”

It was facing away from her but she must've felt it’s body stiffen because the Asset felt her pause in her work, then a second later it felt a tug on it’s hair and she continued “I know, insane” and it heard her sigh “I thought the same thing when Barton brought me in”

Natalia wasn’t a citizen though, so it still didn’t make any sense. She was a government Asset, or an Avenger, she was still in the game anyways. Did Steve really want him to be a citizen? It was a weapon, a weapon couldn’t be a civilian, that was stupid. 

Its head jerked back suddenly as Natalia scraped the brush through its hair again, pulling the Asset out of its own head, and suddenly it flinched as it heard its handler’s voice.

“Nat, do you have to be so rough?” Steve was looking concerned from across the breakfast bar where he and Sam were chopping vegetables. 

“Bleh blah blah bleh” the red haired assassin mocked and it heard her stick out her tongue and blow a raspberry at it’s handler. Natalia petted the top of the Asset’s head in mock apology, as if petting a dog, and the Asset wished it could purr. “See, he’s fine”

Sam chuckled and the Asset saw the disapproving look on its handler’s face again, but suddenly Natasha’s warm breath was on the side of its neck as she whispered in its ear- loud enough for Steve to hear. “He thinks you’re made of glass, but I'm not going to break you. If i’m being too rough you’ll tell me, won’t you?”

Her voice was low and her accent thick, but she was putting on show and her voice held a tone of sarcasm. The Asset nodded and where she was still holding its hair the Asset felt how it yanked when it moved its head. “Da, Natalia” it said, because it couldn’t call her Sir. 

She laughed before leaning back to continue and the Asset could see Steve out of the corner of its eye, the blond watching them for a few long seconds before sighing heavily and turning back to Sam and their cooking. 

Has the Asset done something wrong again? Should it not have said yes to Natalia? Steve was disappointed again. Did he not like someone else being rough with his Asset? If that was the case then why wasn’t Steve ever rough with it? Or was he worried Natalia would injure it and cause malfunction? But there were no missions so… God, this was confusing. 

Natalia liked to take her time and the Asset was more than happy to kneel there between her thighs until its legs went numb. The rhythmic tugging and yanking of its hair was soothing, and the pain from its scalp being pulled at was just enough to keep it mind from wandering and getting lost in its thoughts. Present, but… maybe this was what Steve was referring to when he said the Asset needed to relax. It let its eyes drift close, leaning back against Natalia just a little. She didn’t seem to mind, didn’t shove him back forward or pinch him like Rumlow used to when the Asset would fall asleep at his feet. 

Eventually Natalia pulled it’s hair up into a bun but she decided to drag her nails lightly down the back of the Asset’s neck making it shiver before rubbing at the base of its neck comfortingly. She was talking to Sam now, and Asset didn’t think it had ever had a massage before but this must be what it's like. Though Natalia seemed to not even really pay attention to it anymore, just palming and squeezing the back of its neck and shoulders as if playing with a stress ball. 

The Asset’s head dropped forward, giving her move flesh to work with and she hummed approvingly. The Asset felt a warm, buzzing feeling in its chest that it hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t doing much, if anything, but Natalia approved of it. It was doing something good. It wanted to be good. Steve didn’t let it be good, because pleasing Steve was impossible and even if it did get an approving smile from Steve it was still tinged in sadness. 

Natalia pulled on its hair again, harder than before and it yanked its head back up with a quiet gasp of surprise. She yanked again, a little gentler, signifying what she wanted. The Asset let its head drop back, this time exposing its throat, and Natalia placed a light hand on the Asset’s cheek. 

Steve looked up when he heard Bucky gasp, frowning when he saw Natasha pull his head back into her lap and then casually place a hand under the brunet’s chin, holding him by the neck. She was being gentle, being slow, and Steve could see the calm, careful movements were more thoughtful than she was letting on. It was… Steve didn’t know what to think. Sam wasn’t saying anything about it as if pretending it wasn’t even happening as he asked Natasha if she would be going to Stark’s halloween party next month. 

“I dunno, I don’t even have a costume idea” Natasha replied as her fingers danced over the front of Barnes’ exposed neck. 

“What did you do last year?” Sam asked as he walked over to the sofa to refill her glass of wine, placing the bottle on the coffee table in front of her and Bucky. 

“Sexy mouse” 

Sam snorted. 

Steve was distracted, he couldn’t help but stare. Natasha was holding Bucky in such a vulnerable position and Bucky looked pleased about it- it was the calmest, most at peace Bucky had looked since- since before the goddamn war. And Natasha had him knelt at her feet, back arched as he leaned back to lay his head in her lap, throat bared and exposed and her sharp nails gently scraping across the thin skin there. Vulnerable, that's the word Steve kept thinking, he had to think vulnerable because otherwise he’d think erotic- and that wasn’t- that wasn’t what he should think. But it was. It was kinda erotic. In a weird, highly fucked up way. 

“Steve?” Sam bumped up against his shoulder, knocking him loose from thoughts he shouldn't be thinking and Steve’s eyes were dragged away from Bucky’s neck and Nat’s hand. 

“Huh?” he asked, lost. 

“You doing a costume for Tony’s thing?” Sam repeated as he nudged Steve out the way of the oven that he wasn’t keeping a watch on. Sam shooed him out of the way so he could stir the pots on the hob. 

“Eh, I dunno- well, Darcy suggested I should dress up as the guy from the Fantastic Four” he shrugged

“What, Reed?” Natasha frowned from her spot on the couch

“No, Johnny” 

Natasha snorted and took another sip of her wine. Both she and Sam could use some food soon if they kept up like that. 

“I can see it!” Sam laughed “Johnny should dress up as you, you could borrow each other's costumes- they are invited aren’t they?”

“Have you met Johnny Storm? I wouldn’t want to get into his suit” Natasha laughed again and Steve noticed how her fingers gripped Bucky’s throat a little tighter each time she did, but Bucky just seemed to relax more and more. He didn’t understand it. 

It took a little over two and a half years to track Bucky down. Following from one country to another, from one HYDRA base to the next. Always just days or even just mere hours behind him, witnessing the carnage his old friend left in his wake. Bucky left a blood trail, whenever Stark or Fury heard word of a HYDRA base burning down it was sure to be Bucky. Steve must have walked through more than a dozen bases where the floors were tacky and the ceilings were red, sometimes they’d be a few days behind and the corpses of the scientists would be bloated and stiff- though once they were so close behind Bucky that some of the bodies were still warm. 

Natasha had tried warning him then, that maybe chasing after Bucky wasn’t a good idea. Maybe they should just let SHIELD do it, Fury could handle this. No. It had to be Steve. Steve needed to be the one to bring Bucky in, no matter what. Especially when Steve realised what Bucky was doing. 

The first few bases they went to they hadn’t even noticed it, or just chalked it up to coincidence. Siberia, the first base that discovered the cryo technique and held the prototype cryofreezer. Slovakia where they perfected parts of the brainwashing he endured. Argentina where they first introduced the wiping after cryo. Most of the bases had cryo freezers or chairs where he would be restrained for “Maintenance” 

Bucky had hit a lot of bases that he had stayed at with Pierce too, they had noticed. The most recent bases, a lot of them on American soil and so were the first few to be hit by Bucky after the Triskelion fell. All of them had chairs bolted to the ground- or they used to be, before.

They’d been able to tell how far behind Bucky they were by how congealed the blood pooling in those bases were, but it was Sam who really convinced Steve that there was still hope for Bucky. 

“He’s destroying the bases so they can’t freeze and wipe him again, and Tony- you still there?”

“Yep, sending over the screenshots now, look who big bad Winter has a crush on!” Stark’s singsong voice came over the speaker of Sam’s phone

“Before he destroys the computers he does three searches each time-”

Steven Grant Rogers- Captain America

Bucky Barnes - Winter Soldier 

Brock Rumlow- Field Handler

“You’re top of the list each time, Blondie!” 

But there was always that awful gnawing feeling, and that look on Natasha’s face when she saw Rumlow’s name on the list of searches. Brock Rumlow- Field Handler. That fuckin- that-

Steve had shared drinks with Rumlow and his team so many times. Rumlow had bought him whiskey and listened to Steve talk about his woes and his worries and how much he missed his family and his friends from the 40’s. Brock Rumlow had watched Steve get teary eyed as he told him the story of how Bucky fell from that train. And then Brock Rumlow had gone right back to the HYDRA base they kept Bucky in and abused him. He had pretended to be Steve’s friend, maybe best friend, for years. 

And Bucky searched his name in every base, every time. Why?

Nat and Sam had been holding a conversation by themselves for maybe fifteen whole minutes while both the supersoldiers in the room zoned out. Steve leaned up against the kitchen counter, unblinkingly staring at the floor as he was deep in thought. Bucky, eyes closed, breathing slow, maybe on the brink of sleep as Natasha idly laid her hand across his throat keeping his head in her lap. 

Sam dished up the food while Natasha very slowly brought the Soldat back to consciousness. He stirred slightly when she moved her hand, frowning sadly when she picked his head up and helped him lean forward with a hand on his shoulder. His movements were slow and a little stiff but once he was back to sitting up straight between her legs the Asset looked up at her sleepy and confused. Natasha smiled at him “Stay kneeling, I have to set the table” She murmured in quiet Russian and he nodded and stayed still. 

Natasha managed to untangle herself from the Winter Soldier and began setting the table for dinner. They usually all ate together on the sofa, so by setting the table she meant gathering cutlery and drinks to sit on the coffee table, and finding something good to watch while they ate. Sam was setting everything up buffet style on the breakfast island. Steve seemed to snap out of his daze once Natasha stood up and he began finding plates and helping Sam dish up the food. 

“What are we thinking? Netflix or-” Natasha was standing in front of the tv, hand on one hip, tv remote in the other. 

“Can we watch Squid Games?” Sam asked as he threw a dirty pan in the sink to soak 

“What about that documentary about those brothers who killed their parents?” Natasha called back, only scrolling through the true crime section 

“Do you only watch disturbing stuff?” Sam groaned in response

“Can we watch the new Oceans 13 movie?” Steve piped up, finally remembering to speak “I’ve seen all the others”

Natasha paused in her scrolling, actually considering it. She hummed and typed it into the search bar and when Netflix told her they didn’t have it she pressed the button on the tv remote that Tony had installed. FRIDAY wordlessly took over, closing out of Netflix and finding the movie in its own database. FRIDAY got the movie set up and Natasha paused it while she went to grab a plate. Sam was a good cook so when she had requested breakfast for supper she knew she was going to get some good food. Bacon, eggs, fried mushrooms and tomatoes, grits, hash browns, Steve always requested a side of beans when they had breakfast food- like a weirdo. 

While she and Sam got themselves a plate Steve crouched down in front of Bucky, who tensed a little when Steve made eye contact with him. He had a blue box in his hands reminiscent of a first aid box, but Natasha knew it held Bucky’s feeding tube. 

“Hey, we’re gonna eat now. You wanna eat now or later?” she heard Steve ask the Soldat. 

Natasha just shook her head, which earned her a look from Sam. She gave a shrug in response to the look. How many times would she have to say it outloud? The Asset doesn’t respond well to questions, you have to give it orders. But no one liked to hear that, so Natasha had stopped saying it. 

Predictable the Asset answered Steve in a raspy quiet voice “Later, Steve”

Steve sighed and nodded “Alright, later” he said before standing up and coming over to get his own plate of food. 

The Asset stayed kneeling where Natalia had left it, as it was told to do. When Steve asked if it wanted to eat now or later it thought it was maybe a trap, so decided to answer later. If it had answered now would Steve have made it wait anyways? They were about to eat their own food, Steve’s food would go cold if he had to mess around with setting up the feeding tube and the syringe. They were feeding it three times a day which was more than it needed to function, so it could wait until later. Steve often asked if it was hungry but the Asset didn’t really know how to tell what hunger was. Sometimes its stomach hurt and cramped, but sometimes it hurt and cramped for a lot of different reasons, like after cryo the cramps were intense and blinding- or sometimes Rumlow would beat it and it’s stomach would cramp from being hit and it would throw up. 

Steve was disappointed in the Asset’s answer again. Nothing it did was ever right, but no immediate punishment came. Steve must be keeping a list, keeping track of all these disappointments. A punishment will come along sooner or later, it always did. It didn’t understand, it knew Steve was maybe the first handler it had ever had that had a physical advantage on the Asset, the only handler that could actually beat it in a fight. Steve had almost killed it in their last real fight. Steve should have no problem dealing out physical punishment, he shouldn’t be scared of retaliation from the Asset like some of the old handlers did in the beginning of their time. Even Rumlow had asked Pierce in the beginning if he should be worried about the Asset going rogue and snapping his neck, Pierce had laughed and- and what had he done next? Something bad, the Asset knew it was bad but what-

Natalia was climbing over the Asset again, this time with a plate of steaming food and another glass of wine. “Stay still” she ordered firmly, like it ever planned to move. She settled on the sofa behind the Asset, sitting cross legged and it missed the warmth of her legs around it’s shoulders.

Steve sat down beside her, and Sam collapsed down in an armchair beside the sofa on Natasha’s side, setting down two beers for him and Steve on the coffee table. As everyone got settled the Asset remained still like Natalia had instructed, until it felt its handler’s hand on its right shoulder making it flinch. Steve was quiet for his size and the Asset had been distracted by Natalia shuffling around behind it. 

“Drink this, slow” Steve was handing it a glass of water and the Asset took it carefully making sure it didn’t spill any. Steve’s fingers were warm as they brushed up against its own and finally for the first time in hours Steve was giving him an order. 

It sipped the water and it heard Steve whisper “Good”

Good

Natalia asked FRIDAY to hit play and the sounds of the movie started up. 

Good. 

The Asset’s handler and his friends chatted idly and lowly as they ate their food and watched the movie, only commenting on it every now and again, but the Asset wasn’t paying attention. It was being Good, sipping the water, slowly, just as its handler had told it to. The Asset timed its sips, making sure it was slow, timing it out so that it would finish the water once the movie was almost done. So it could present it to Steve and show him how Good the Asset was.

Halfway through the movie Natalia leaned over it again to sit her empty plate on the coffee table and as she did she placed her legs down either side of the Asset’s shoulders again, squeezing it slightly with her thighs before starting up her massaging. The Asset wondered if she just liked to squeeze things, it had seen adverts on the tv while Steve was watching it during the day, adverts for slime and squeezy stress ball looking things. It had thought about slime a lot one day last week, how nice it must feel to squish, but how it would probably get stuck in the gears of its metal hand. That’s when it had snapped out of that long daydream, when it realised once more that it didn’t have the metal hand anymore.

The Asset hoped Natalia didn’t watch daytime tv, and never saw those adverts. It didn’t want Natalia to get a slime stress ball and stop squeezing the back of its neck. It felt… nice. It liked it. Not that the Asset would ever admit that outloud, in case she stopped doing it. For the last half of the movie Natalia only stopped running her hands over the Asset’s shoulders when something intense was happening on the tv. 

When the credits rolled Sam stretched out his arms above his head and sleepily said “That was pretty good actually, I can’t believe I put off watching it for so long” 

“You only watch tv series” Natalia said and the Asset could hear her roll her eyes. “You don’t normally have the attention span for a movie”

“Most movies nowadays are like three hours long, who has the time?” Sam complained

“You sound like Clint,” she chuckled. “He’s exactly the same”

The Asset heard its handler shuffle on the sofa, leaning forward to grab some snacks off the coffee table “Have your legs gone numb yet from sitting like that, Bucky?”

It glanced up to see its handler giving it a small concerned smile and it shook its head. This was pretty comfortable considering all the positions it's been asked to sit or stand in over the years. The Asset decided now was a good time to present the empty glass of water and Steve’s smile got a little bigger, a little less concerned. 

“Nice, well done” Steve grinned a little as he took the empty glass from the Asset, once again their fingers brushed together. 

“Good?” The Asset breathed in question, so quiet if Steve hadn't had super soldier hearing the Asset wasn’t sure if he’d have heard it over the sound of Sam talking to Natalia. 

“Yeah, Buck, that’s real good” Steve said softly and the Asset felt that warm buzzing feeling in its chest that it got when Natalia gave it orders or yanked its hair real hard. Praise, or just attention. The Asset was starved for either. “You want some more?”

It nodded quickly at the opportunity to be Good again, or even better- real good. If Steve wanted it to drink water and that's all it took to get some praise then the Asset could easily do that, it would drink water until it drowned as long as Steve called it Good. 

Natalia petted its head while Steve stood up to get it more water and the Asset closed its eyes and wondered how cats purred, maybe it could do it too, show Natalia how much it liked it when she petted it. Pierce used to pet it sometimes if it had been well behaved, or sometimes Pierce would trick the Asset into sitting still for pets and then the punishments would come- but for a few moments first there were pets. Most of the HYDRA agents and scientists were too scared to ever touch it, and the ones who weren’t had rough hands and didn’t care much for petting- only heavy petting. 

When Steve returned he set another glass of water on the coffee table and had the blue box again “It’s later” Steve shrugged “You can’t put it off forever” 

Natalia pulled on its hair and suddenly said in Russian “Come sit on the sofa with me, it’s easier for your handler”

She was right of course but it still felt weird to get up and be on the couch. It felt like a dog on the furniture, a cat on a counter, a pet who knew they shouldn’t be somewhere. Natalia shifted so she was sitting sideways to face the Asset and Steve knelt down in front of its knees and-

There was a horrid clawing in the back of its throat when Steve kneeled down in front of it, a sudden flash of No. Nononononononono don’t do that- Don’t do That. The Asset slid back as far as it could until it felt the back of the sofa cushions, unable to go any further away from Steve. Steve was its handler, Steve shouldn’t be on his knees in front of the Asset- the Asset didn’t like it, it didn’t like it- 

In its head it saw a flash of being strapped to the chair after a wipe, Rumlow right there, kneeling in front of him. Smiling up at him, leaning up to wipe the drool from the Soldier’s mouth, take out the mouth guard. “Did you bite your tongue again? Awh, does it hurt? Awh, want your field handler to make you feel better?” and it remembered not even knowing where it was or what year it was, being confused and Rumlow being there to make it feel better. Feel Better.

“-ucky? Hey, you with me, pal?”

“Yeah, Stevie,” the Asset mumbled. It hadn’t realised it had closed its eyes but when it opened them again Steve was sitting next to it on the sofa, a couple inches apart. Natalia had moved and it hadn’t even felt her leave, even though her thigh had been pressed against the Asset’s. She was in the kitchen now, it noticed, making tea. Sam was raiding Steve’s kitchen cupboards for more snacks. 

Steve seemed to perk up when the Asset spoke “I’m sorry, I didn’t think that would be a problem…” he apologised. 

The Asset frowned. “Handler’s don’t do things wrong”

Asset’s sure did though, and this one had just fucked up. It had forgotten, how could it have forgotten? Steve was Steve, it wasn’t permitted to call Steve its Handler. 

Steve’s soft smile faltered and the Asset felt a cold stone lump in its stomach, freezing up it stopped breathing for a few long moments. 

“I’m not a handler, Buck, so I can do things wrong. I do things wrong all the time” Steve told him in a sad tone “I’m probably doing everything wrong”

“No- no, you’re good” the Asset stuttered out quickly, eyes widening. “ Good ” it tried to emphasise

Oh no, it called Steve its handler and now Steve was really sad. Steve was disappointed and sad and when he was sad he didn’t give any orders, or any praise, and the Asset was sure it just made the punishment tally climb even higher. It glanced desperately to Natalia, hoping she was overhearing this, maybe she could back the Asset up- she must know how to make Steve feel better-

Feel better.

It.. it never made the Asset feel better, but Rumlow sure seemed to feel better when the roles were reversed. The Asset was better when the roles were reversed, and was better when it was the one kneeling. 

The Asset slipped off the sofa, knees hitting the carpet with a thud. Steve reached out to stop it but was too late, the Asset stared up at him trying not to show any fear- Steve hated it when it looked scared. 

“Steve- you- Don’t kneel.” the Asset was choking on its words, forgetting to breathe “Please” it added, sounding maybe a little desperate. “Steve- Don’t kneel”

Like it did with Natalia the Asset got between Steve’s knees, wedging its shoulders in between Steve’s thick thighs. But unlike with Natalia the Asset made sure to face Steve. And Steve liked eye contact- he was always trying to make eye contact. So once the Asset got settled on its knees it looked up at Steve-

Maybe this was a mistake too, but fuck it, the Asset didn’t know what else to do and this had always worked with its old handlers. 

“Okay” Steve breathed out a little dazed at all the sudden movement and the Asset’s jumble of words “Okay, I won’t. I won’t do that again, okay Bucky?”

They were both a little wide eyed, a little flustered. The Asset was confused and a little embarrassed, it hadn’t meant to do all of that. It has been being Good. It was not good to suddenly move away from your handler, disobey a handler's order to not call them a handler, and then confuse them even more by giving them orders. The Asset had just given Steve an order, had told him not to kneel, and Steve had agreed? What the fuck was happening?

Natalia suddenly appeared behind Steve, placing her hands on his shoulders and rubbing there, squeezing like she had done to the Asset just a few minutes ago. Steve relaxed a little into it. 

“You have no snacks” She pouted as she leaned down to place her chin on top of Steve’s blond head “So me and Sam are gonna head out and go get pancakes, want us to bring you some back or are you gonna be getting ready for bed by then?” 

“Denny’s or IHOP?” Sam offered, he was putting on his jacket by the door. 

“Ugh” Steve muttered “No thank you. Also I did have snacks, you ate them all yesterday, I haven't had a chance to go out and get more” 

“You had 24 hours to restock your chocolate supplies and you didn’t, now look what happens, this poor gal has to go out in the night to IHOP” Natalia said dramatically and she smiled down at the Asset who was appreciating the momentary distraction from his fuck up. 

“Good job you have an Avenger going with you” Steve snorted

“Yeah, Sam would be a sitting duck on the street without me” She joked, Natalia shot the Asset a wink and then gave Steve a sweet kiss on the top of his head “Alright, well, I might swing by with Tony tomorrow”

“Good idea” Steve sighed and the Asset watched as Steve unthinkingly reached a hand out closer to it, leaving his hand laying on his own thigh, just fractions away from the Assets face “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Definitely”

Natalia blew the Asset a kiss as she walked away, Steve called out a thanks for dinner and they all said their goodbyes, Natalia closing the door behind them as they left. 

Leaving the apartment quiet except from the music of the credits still rolling on the tv. 

Steve sighed heavily and said out loud “FRIDAY, can you put another movie on? I don’t care what”

The Asset didn’t turn around to look at the tv but it could hear the opening tracks of another movie starting to play. Its handler slumped back against the sofa, all the breath seemingly leaving his chest as he did so. The Asset stayed still, wondering if maybe it could go invisible and Steve would forget the last five minutes. 

“You still need to eat, Bucky. There’s no getting out of that” Steve told him, glancing down at where the Asset was still kneeling between his knees. 

The Asset nodded, the blue box that contained its feeding tube and the other supplies had gotten knocked off the sofa when the Asset had slid onto the floor. Still sealed though, the Asset leaned sideways and grabbed it with its one good hand, bringing it back to offer to the blond. 

“Thank you” Steve gave the Asset a small smile. “Can you come up here? It would be easier if you sat next to me on the sofa so I can lift your shirt up” 

The Asset would never admit it but its knees were a little sore, its legs feeling weird as it stood up briefly just to perch on the edge of the sofa beside Steve.

“Good,” Steve said again. 

Good. 

It was good as it stayed silent and still, observing its handler as Steve put on a pair of clean latex gloves before unsealing the syringe and filling it with a thick beige liquid. HYDRA had installed the feeding port in its stomach in the 70’s after the Asset had to have its jaw wired shut for a week or two- some injuries were a little much even for a supersoldier, and whatever agent that broke its jaw was never seen or heard from again. 

The last two and a half years on the run had been difficult though, getting food down was hard and the Asset could never quite get the hang of it. In the end the Asset found it much easier to make (or steal) protein smoothies, or chew everything as much as it could to prevent throwing it all back up. When Steve had brought it back the doctors here were nice and didn’t want to cut it open too much, they’d resupplied the Asset with a proper feeding tube and shown its handler how to use it. 

“Ready?” Steve asked, his fingers curling around the hem of the Assets black t-shirt. 

It nodded and Steve lifted its shirt, pushing it up to his chest so he could get a clear view of the feeding port. It made the asset uneasy to look at for too long so it kept its gaze focused on Steve’s hands and wanting to be Good it decided to hold the shirt up itself so Steve could have both of his hands back. 

Steve made short work of it all, making sure to keep everything as clean and painless. The Asset didn’t feel a thing as Steve connected the tube and sorted the syringe. 

“Hopefully soon you won’t need to do this anymore, and you can just eat with us” Steve mumbled as swift fingers did their work. “Can you think of anything you’d wanna eat first?”

The Asset remembered being served meals before, some kind of grainy powdery gruel. The HYDRA scientists always knew exactly what it needed to run off of, like how they knew what kind of fuel a diesel engine needed. What would the Asset want to eat? It didn’t know, hadn’t really consider-

Steve was watching the cogs and gears in Bucky’s head turn and grind. He always seemed to have so much going on in his head, Steve just wished he’d say some of it, maybe it would lessen the burden. Bucky still saw him as his handler though, and Steve remembered the Handlers Rule Book they’d found in the Siberia base. And Rumlow’s mocking tone “What? You gonna be his new handler? You’re too much of a coward, Rogers, the Soldat needs a man to handle him”

Even if Steve didn’t want to follow the Handler’s Rules, Bucky was almost bound to them, unable to break them by his own will. It’s why he kept his mouth shut, why he only did as he was told, probably why Steve wasn’t allowed to kneel in front of him- though he couldn’t remember that rule, but it seemed like some shit they’d have in there. 

“Plums?”

Bucky’s voice was quiet and unsure, a small raspy question. Plums, yeah now that Steve thought about it the day they found him in Romania- Bucky was buying plums in the market. It's when Steve first spotted him. 

“Yeah, good choice” Steve grinned as he dropped the handle of the second syringe. “We can get some fresh plums. Maybe you should make a list of things you’d like to eat when we get you back to solid foods, or just plums” 

Steve saw the cogs turning again in Bucky’s head but he was nodding, and seemed at peace at least. Sometimes Steve thinks he scares Bucky- not that he ever means to. It's just Steve occasionally forgets that there's a power dynamic at play now. There never was before, back in the day, not even when they were in the Howling Commandos and Steve was technically Bucky’s Captain. They had always seen eye to eye, been eye to eye, now Bucky saw himself as lower and needed-... needed Steve to be his Handler. And it made Steve feel a little sick, like maybe Rumlow was right, he was a coward. Some days it was hard to even look at Bucky, how thin he’d gotten in the last couple of years on the run- unable to feed himself without the right feeding tube equipment. How sunken in his eyes were, dark circles, unable to sleep more than two hours at a time. But the worst was eye contact, Bucky struggled to maintain eye contact. Icy blue eyes always darting away, too scared to hold the connection. How did Steve not even know he was still alive? Under HYDRA’s thumb this whole time? How could he have just gone about his happy life while Bucky had been tortured for 70 years? 

Zoning out while doing the feeding tube wasn’t a great idea, if Steve overfed Bucky or gave him too much too quick, Bucky would throw up. And the brunet wouldn’t say anything or stop him either, would just allow his handler to do that without speaking up for himself. 

“Okay, let that settle” Steve murmured after another syringe. 

Being supersoldiers meant they needed a lot of calories and Bucky was on a heavy calorie liquid diet right now to try and help him put back on the weight he’d lost. It was part of the reason why they’d taken the arm from him, since he’d lost some muscle from the weight loss it meant the pure heaviness of the arm was tearing at his neck and shoulder muscles. Sure the serum was fixing him up afterwards, but the Zola knockoff didn’t work as quickly as Steve’s healing, and even if it did, repetitive tearing like that would’ve led to more permanent damage and Bucky already had enough. FRIDAY had warned Tony not to stick Bucky through an MRI even with the arm removed, there were so many metal plates, screws and supports they’d placed on his spine and ribs just to help support the arm, it was insane. 

Bucky shifted uncomfortably, he never liked to look at the hole in his stomach and Steve couldn’t really blame him. Steve went through the motions of taking the tube out and disinfecting the area

“Alright, you’re done, you can get comfortable again” Steve told him as he stood up to deal with the dirty equipment in the kitchen. 

When he came back Bucky was on his knees again beside the sofa. 

The Asset had been watching Steve as he cleaned up the equipment in the kitchen before placing it in a yellow medical box that would get sent off, probably back to the labs. It wondered when they would start running more tests on it. They didn’t want the Asset on missions so it must be needed for something else- it's not like world peace happened while it was malfunctioning and burning HYDRA labs, they could have the Asset doing so many missions there would never be time for cryo.  Natalia said they wanted to make the Asset a civilian, but she must have been joking. If they didn’t need it to kill anything then the Stark scientists were probably trying to create more of the super soldier serum, maybe Steve didn’t want to take part in it so the Asset would? It was confusing not knowing, irritating even. Steve was irritating like that, previous Handlers had made it very clear what was expected of the Asset. 

The movie FRIDAY had picked was about ice hockey, and some guy who was real bad at it. Steve finished up in the kitchen and began cleaning up the mess on the coffee table. Natalia had cleaned the kitchen in her search for chocolate, but there were cups and snack wrappers left on the table from the last movie. The Asset wondered why Steve didn’t just get it to do these tedious tasks for him, the Asset could still do some things, even if it was just wiping down the table and clearing away trash. It kept its head low as Steve moved around the room but never really took its eyes off of its Handler. 

Rumlow used to pace when he was angry, so the Asset could always expect a beating not long after the pacing started. Steve paced a lot too but the punishment afterwards was different- Steve would leave the apartment without the Asset. Leave it alone and Steve would return an hour or two later, sweaty and tired and no less sad. When left unattended the Asset wasn’t sure what to do. No orders, no handler, no mission, nothing. Without Steve pacing, or humming in the kitchen as he cooked, or the sound of the tv while Steve would sketch on the couch- the Asset would be left in silence. 

The Asset didn’t like being alone. 

It wasn’t supposed to like or dislike anything. Weapons didn’t like things, didn’t have favourites, didn’t hold grudges. But it found it did, even if Pierce told it differently. The Asset doesn’t like milk? Well the Asset also doesn’t dislike milk, because the Asset cannot like or dislike, the Asset only knows what it’s told, and only does as it’s told. A gun doesn’t have a favourite hand, it only shoots when its trigger is pulled. 

Pierce always forced it to drink milk whenever they met from then on. Once even pouring it over the Asset’s head, a whole pint of it, and then the Asset had been ordered to lick it up from Pierce’s basement floor. 

The last time the Asset saw Pierce things were… different. The Asset had entered it’s Handler’s home just like it had a hundred times before, silent in the night, appearing in the shadows only to Pierce when he was alone. It hadn’t expected the housemaid to come back for some reason, it was a shame. She was nice, not that they had ever formally met, but the Asset had seen Pierce and her interact on many occasions and she often talked about her only son. Pierce firing the shot that killed her was surprising at the time- the Asset knew that Pierce didn’t like to get his own hands dirty. Maybe since he had been so close to victory, just a couple weeks away from finally getting one up on Fury and SHIELD and the Avengers- maybe Pierce had felt brave. Or maybe he had been desperate. 

The Asset remembered how when it had entered it had placed its gun on the kitchen table, and Pierce had offered it some milk with a smirk. The smirk fell after Pierce had glanced at it, however. The Asset had seen something unreadable on its handler's face. He’d been… scared? Of the Asset? No, that couldn’t be right. Wait, the Asset still had its metal hand on the gun on the table- it hadn’t been following the Handler Rulebook, the Asset wasn’t surrendering it’s weapon, it was still holding its gun when Pierce asked it if it wanted some milk. 

Pierce hadn’t punished it immediately that time. Instead it had told Rumlow and Rumlow had dealt with it. 

“Put this under your knees”

Steve’s voice. An order. 

The Asset snapped out of its thoughts to find Steve handing him a folded up pale baby blue  blanket, it was soft as the Asset took it from Steve’s hands. It tucked the blanket under its knees and Steve nodded approvingly as he sat down on the sofa next to where the Asset was on the floor. Once settled the handler pointed to the glass of water on the coffee table “Drink that one too, slowly again though. I don’t want you to throw up” 

It reached out and grabbed the glass carefully. These were orders, as small and insignificant as they were and the Asset was determined to prove it was capable of doing the bare minimum. It could be Good. 

Steve let the rest of the movie play but was distracted by his phone that buzzed every ten minutes. Sam checks in from IHOP, asking if Bucky had settled after his freakout earlier. A photo from Natasha of the chocolate chip pancakes he was missing out on. A text from JARVIS, reaffirming it was okay for Tony to come by the apartment tomorrow to ask Bucky about the arm. Steve glanced down at the brunet.

Bucky at least looked a little more comfortable with the blanket under his knees but his back was straight and stiff, perfect posture. He was so close to Steve’s thigh he could feel the heat coming from Bucky’s side, like a little furnace. When they had first come back to the compound they had no choice but to take Bucky to medical, it had been obvious he was in a lot of pain and the arm wasn’t working right. They had to take the arm off, it really had been for the best- but watching the way Bucky’s face had gone pale when they told him had hurt so fucking bad. The arm wouldn’t come off easy either, attached to his nerves and wired into him, bolted and welded to flesh. 

However, whenever Stark or Cho had asked Bucky any questions, he answered quickly and truthly, telling them everything they needed to know about maintenance of the arm. 

“Okay, well we need to remove it for a short while, for maintenance. Is that okay, Sargent?” Cho had asked calmly. 

That’s when Steve had seen his pale face go even whiter, his flesh fingers subtly digging into his thigh. Bucky had looked at Steve with a blank expression and said “ The Asset is forbidden to remove the arm, only a Handler can authorize that” 

Steve had insisted Bucky stopped calling him Handler, it made him taste sick in the back of his throat every time Bucky called him it. Steve wasn’t like Brock and Pierce- he wasn’t. He wasn’t Bucky’s handler, he was Bucky’s friend. The difference was huge, staggeringly so, Steve never wanted to be Bucky’s handler, he wouldn’t force him to do anything. Bucky was a free man and could do whatever the fuck he wanted- apart from break his “bail conditions” as Stark called them. He had to stay on the Avenger’s compound and see the therapist every other day, all that shit Fury had insisted on. 

Being thought of as Bucky’s Handler made Steve’s skin crawl. He’d read what the previous handlers had done, and Rumlow had even been kind enough to share some of his experiences when Steve had visited him in the hospital when he woke up from his coma. Steve wished he’d never gone to see him. “The Asset will want to kneel for you, Rogers, did it kneel for you when it was Bucky too? Maybe it’ll be a familiar sight” 

It was, and it wasn't familiar. When they were kids he’d seen Bucky kneeling at the edge of the bed in prayer, or crouching down to tie Steve’s laces for him. As they got a little older Steve would wake up in alleyways with Bucky kneeling over him wiping away at the blood on Steve’s face- normally telling him how much of an idiot he’d been. He’d seen Bucky kneeling beside his bed a couple of times, in prayer, but not like when they were kids. Bucky had been crying, Steve had been sick. 

And Bucky had knelt for him twice while they were in the Howling Commandos, once before and once after Zola. 

Steve looked down at Bucky again, it was the 21st century now and Bucky was kneeling at his feet again and it was horrible. It wasn’t familiar, it was rigid and those eyes were glassy and blank. Rumlow had laughed when Steve told him that he would tell Bucky he didn’t need to kneel.

“You’ll see, HYDRA made him perfect and there’s no undoing it now” 

It had only been a few weeks, Steve would show Rumlow one day. It just might take a little longer than he thought. 

Bucky presented the empty glass again and Steve smiled and said “Good job”

He had noticed it, of course he had- he’d have to be blind not to. Every time Bucky was given the slightest bit of praise there was some kind of flicker in his eyes, Steve didn’t know what to think of it, so he tried not to think about it at all. 

Natasha had told him over and over that even if Bucky wasn’t going to be the Winter Soldier anymore he’d still need some orders of some kind to stop him from going crazy. Steve had brushed it off at first because he wasn’t gonna give Buck orders, they were supposed to be helping him towards his own personal freedom, how was ordering him around like he was still in HYDRA gonna help? As always however, Natasha was right. 

At midnight Steve sat up a little and stretched his back out, he saw the brunet flinch a bit at the unexpected movement. 

“Do you feel tired, Bucky?” he asked

Greyish blue eyes dared to glance up at him and Steve knew Bucky must always be tired, he only slept a few hours at a time before Steve heard him tossing and turning- sometimes even crying out. Whenever Steve heard Bucky having a nightmare or crying in the night he would knock on Bucky’s door and all the sounds would stop. Steve never went in if Bucky didn’t answer the knock. And Bucky always pretended to be asleep. 

Bucky nodded to the question. While Steve had been distracted by his phone again, Natasha had seen a cute cat with a missing eye on her walk around town with Sam, Bucky’s posture had shifted slightly, not quite as straight back. He must be sleepy.

“Okay, you remember the stuff you need to do before you go to sleep?” 

Bucky nodded again. The list of stuff was in Bucky’s bathroom anyways but Steve liked to remind him just in case. Use the bathroom, shower, brush teeth, put on sleeping clothes. If you need anything, anything in the night feel free to rather use it, do it, or wake Steve up. 

There were no cameras in the bathrooms but FRIDAY could keep an eye on vital signs which gave Steve a little peace of mind. 

Steve stood up and offered a hand up for Bucky, which he took. His hand was warm and Steve let their touch linger a little too long, holding his hand for a couple seconds as Bucky got his balance on probably numb legs. 

“Do you need anything before I go to bed?” he asked and Bucky shook his head “Do you want anything?” he offered.

Bucky frowned and shook his head again. Steve just nodded, maybe one day Bucky would have an answer to that last question. 

“Alright, feel free to wander around the apartment if you can’t sleep, or wake me up for anything. Get water if you need it, or if you get hungry there’s some snacks Cho left for you on top of your dresser”

Steve couldn’t help it, he reached out again and lightly touched Bucky’s forearm and was surprised when the brunet didn’t flinch. “I won’t be mad if you wake me, okay?”

“Okay, Steve” Bucky replied quietly, he was watching Steve’s hand curiously but nodded. 

Steve just smiled and squeezed Bucky’s arm gently before heading to his room “Goodnight, Buck”

“Goodnight, Steve”

Chapter Text

Stark had taken the arm the first day the Asset came to the Avenger’s Compound and that was nearly three weeks ago, the Asset hadn’t seen it, or Stark since. It was Hell without it. The Asset couldn’t go on missions, couldn’t train, couldn’t even do the most benign tasks. The Asset couldn’t protect itself or its Handler at 100% without it. It was off balance, weaker. No one else seemed to care. They just kept asking how it felt. The Asset told them it was off balance and not capable of fulfilling simple duties, it was still malfunctioning. 

“Yeah, but what does malfunctioning mean?” Stark asked 

It was late morning when Stark and Doctor Cho had shown up, all smiles and Stark loudly declaring that “The doctor was in!” 

Steve had warned it that they would be coming while he made himself breakfast that morning, telling the Asset that they were just there to ask it some questions about the arm and potentially some other things, but Steve hadn’t been sure what the other things would be. The Asset was bad at answering questions, there were so many gaps in its memory, so many holes where it knew information should be. And there were always so many questions, from too many different people. Steve, Stark, Cho, Natalia and Sam. But also those meetings it had to go to with Doctor Mary, the therapist.

The Asset frowned at Stark’s questions. What does Malfunctioning mean? 

“Not in working order. Broken” it tried to explain. 

Ignoring Steve was hard but it tried its best to not look at the blond’s face while it answered questions. Steve hated all of its answers but it had been told to answer honestly. It wasn’t supposed to lie. It couldn’t lie but all its answers made Steve’s lips twist and his eyes get wet, so what was it supposed to do? 

“What is broken, Sargent?” Doctor Cho asked it with concern written all over her face. 

Steve was pacing in the kitchen while the Asset sat on the sofa in the same spot its handler had sat last night before they’d gone to sleep. Stark was perched on the arm of the other side of the couch, some kind of fancy hologram pad in front of him displaying the blueprints for what the Asset recognised as its arm. Cho was comfortably sitting in the armchair, a tablet more like Steve’s in her hands, but she was looking at the Asset, unlike Tony who’s eyes never left his tech. 

The Asset frowned again. The therapist had asked this question a few times and the Asset had gotten it wrong every time. They weren’t referring to the arm malfunctioning, but neither was the Asset. It was referring to its head, something was broken there. 

“There are… gaps. Holes. I can’t remember…” it trailed off because Steve hated that. Steve hated knowing it couldn’t remember him properly. 

“That’s understandable, Sargent. You’ve had a lot of electrotherapy in the past, that does create memory loss, but it’s not always permanent. With any luck you’ll start remembering things sooner rather than later, but I can’t guarantee when. Some things you might never remember however, it really is one of those things where only time can tell” her smile was comforting. “Are you still suffering from headaches?”

It nodded. Sometimes he woke up with a migraine, sometimes it seemed like just thinking too hard could set one off. 

“Steve, has Banner ever made you any pain relief?” Stark suddenly asked

“No, never needed it” Steve stopped his pacing to say. “You think Bruce could make something?”

Stark hummed “FRIDAY, text the Green Guy, ask him about it”

“Yes, Boss” the AI voice said from somewhere the Asset couldn’t see. 

It had been given medication before. Morphine or some kind of opium, injected. Mostly as a sedative, if it remembered correctly. They’d given it pills before too. Ecstasy, adderall, viagra. In high doses they had effected it for short amounts of time, but the trial and error of finding the right dosage had left the Asset overdosing and with some minor liver damage. Should the Asset tell them that? They hadn’t asked. 

“We’ll see what we can do about the headaches, is there anything else that you think is malfunctioning or broken?”

The Asset thought about it, nothing was stopping it from functioning apart from the missing arm.

“The Asset is of limited use without its arm” and it nervously glanced to its side to look at Stark who still had the blueprints up on the holodeck. 

Stark snorted “Yeah yeah yeah, look buddy this shit is a menace to work on, you’re gonna have to gimme a minute longer, alright? I get it though, must be tough opening jars one handed” 

Stark did a lot of talking with his hands, waving one around as he spoke while the other continued its work on the blueprints. 

“I know you've already told me a fair deal about the arm, but you never said anything about-” Stark flipped the holodeck around and with a pinch of his fingers the hologram was displayed in the center of the room, zoomed in on a specific panel on the upper arm. “This bit, right here” Tony pointed to it and the panel in the hologram came away to reveal some wires and tubes. 

The Asset tilted its head in confusion. Steve came around the breakfast bar to stand behind the sofa for a better look “What am I looking at, Stark?” he said exasperated. 

“The fail safe?” The Asset needed clarification on what Stark meant. 

“So you knew it was there when we took the arm off and never said anything?” Tony accused. 

Everyone was looking at the Asset, waiting for an answer and the Asset dropped its head. It was in trouble, it had done something wrong, again.

“What does the fail safe do, Tony?” Steve wanted to know. 

“This tube right here? Main blood line. There is no need for a main bloodline in a metal arm normally but because his arm is connected to his nervous system they had to run an artery down to here-” the mechanic pointed from the base of the arm where it was normally attached to the Asset’s shoulder and then ran his finger down just a few inches to the panel on the side of the bicep. “That wasn’t the crazy part”

“Okay, what's the crazy part?”

“I said fail safe, it’s actually two fail safes. Running a major artery like that into Bucky’s main weapon is pretty fucked up, what if something ripped the arm off? No offense tall dark and scary, but if I had to fight you I’d start by taking that arm outta play, and i’m sure i’m not the first to think of that” 

The Asset nodded, Steve had pinned the arm in the apartment in Romania when it had attempted to fight back and flee. During a fight you must stop your attacker from using its strongest weapon, it only makes sense. HYDRA learned that about the Asset on day one, when it killed two scientists upon waking up from the surgery. That was a long time ago though, sometimes the Asset wasn’t sure if that was a real memory or if it had imagined it, made it up. 

“Cut the arm off, he bleeds to death” Stark said bluntly “Luckily Jarvis was there during the surgery to warn me and Cho, or we could have killed you. You knew it was there” 

The glare from Stark was harsh and it made the Asset tense up. Steve’s hand on its shoulder made it flinch and draw into itself. It was in trouble. It was going to be punished. It had not been Good.

“I’m sorry” it choked out quickly. 

“Bucky…” Steve’s voice was quiet and sad and it was horrible and the Asset felt its chest tightened. “You knew?”

It knew. It knew everything about HYDRA’s arm, of course it did. It needed to know in case it needed emergency maintenance and there was no scientist or engineer around. Its handler was supposed to know the basics but it was the Asset’s job to make sure it didn’t malfunction. 

“And the other bit, Tony. Steve should know about the other bit” Cho spoke up softly. 

The Asset pulled its bottom lip between its teeth and bit down hard. It should never have let Stark take the arm from it, it should never have trusted Stark to not tell Steve. The Asset hadn’t thought it important, figured Stark would see it and think it normal, think nothing of it. No one else had said anything while doing maintenance in the last 70 years, the Asset didn’t think the main bloodline would matter. And if Stark and Cho had cut it during surgery? Well- well, maybe that would've been a good thing. It knew what Stark was about to say next though, and that was something it knew it had done wrong for sure.

“Oh yeah! There was a bomb in his arm” Stark said offhandedly and the Asset felt Steve’s hand tighten its grip on its shoulder, the one that was missing its limb. 

“ Was is the important part of that sentence, Steve” Cho said quickly before Steve had a chance to get a word out “It was already missing when we opened up the arm, someone had already taken it out. What kind of explosive was it, Sargent?” she turned her attention back to the Asset. 

“Small. If the arm was ripped off the explosion would have killed the Asset and the assailant. To prevent capture. There was also a remote denotation, only Pierce had access” it kept its voice calm and void of emotion, not wanting any of them to know how nervous it had become. 

“Where did it go?” Steve asked, leaning over the couch a little to see the Asset’s face. 

“I-I took it out” it admitted “After- when I failed my mission. I took it out.” 

“Okay, that’s good Bucky. Good thinking” and Steve’s hand rubbed the Asset’s shoulder a little. 

The Asset had to see Steve’s face, because there was no way this was Good. Nothing about this was Good. 

“The Asset is not Good ” it said suddenly without thinking, confusion written all over its face as it lifted its head to look at Steve. “It removed the failsafe without a Handlers permission- that is not Good-”  

Its heart was racing, and it wondered if it should tell Cho it had another headache coming on. It just didn’t understand, everything about this was so fucking confusing. They were mad about the bloodline, a thing the Asset hadn’t tampered with, but were not mad that the Asset had removed the remote decommission denotation without Handlers permission? The Asset had been instructed to never touch it, never remove it, no matter what. If the Asset went rogue, like it did, it was the only way to kill it without a fight. And it had removed it. It closed its eyes and tried to fight back the panic it could feel building in its chest. 

“-just give him a couple minutes, Steve, it’s okay” 

Doctor Cho was nice but the Asset could tell she was on Stark’s side. Her voice was calming however and it could hear her talking now over the sound of its own pulse. Why did they have to come and ask so many questions? Did any of this even matter, the bomb was gone now and they hadn’t killed it during the surgery. Steve never needed to know. 

Stark was talking a mile a minute in a hushed tone and the Asset couldn’t keep track of it, apart from the bit where Stark said something along the lines of “-get Nat”

Natalia didn’t need to know either, don’t- don’t tell her, why did she need to know the Asset was being bad? She thought it was good and sweet and she petted its hair- she didn’t need to know it was being bad.

“Please” it was quiet and desperate, eyes wide as it turned to look at Steve “Don’t. Please. Please, Steve, I’ll behave- Don’t tell her I’m bad-”

Steve was suddenly beside him on the couch, strong arms wrapping around the Asset’s shoulders and yanking it in against Steve’s chest. It was breathing too fast, it realised. It was breathing fast and its vision was getting blurry, its hand was shaking as its fingers curled around the bottom of its Handler’s shirt. Its face was pressed against Steve’s warm firm chest and one of Steve’s hands was on the back of its neck. 

“I won’t tell Natasha, you’re okay, Bucky. You aren’t even being bad. It was good you removed the bomb, if HYDRA had found the remote they would have killed you, I don’t want you to die, so that’s good, okay?” Steve was breathing too fast as well, not as quick or as shallow as the Asset but still too fast. It could hear Steve’s heartbeat in its ear, too quick as well. 

“But.. but why didn’t you mention the artery before Stark and Cho did the surgery?” Steve leaned back a little to look at the Asset. “You knew they didn’t know about it, but you didn’t tell them” 

Steve gave Bucky a second to think about his answer, it was obvious he was confused and upset. He leaned back to give the brunet a little room to breath but kept one arm around Bucky’s shoulders, not wanting to let go. Bucky was chewing his bottom lip again, nervously glancing at Stark and Cho who were silently watching on. 

“Everything I say makes you sad” Bucky suddenly said and Steve internally winced, hoping it wouldn’t show on his face, he probably failed miserably. 

“No, no Bucky, I’m just sad I can’t help you more”

Bucky rubbed at the side of his head like he did when he had a migraine. His jaw was just as tense as the rest of his body. “I don’t know why I didn’t say anything,” he told him. “I’m sorry, Steve”

He was lying and Steve knew it, but Bucky just looked so tired and dejected that Steve just smiled and said “It’s okay. Everything turned out fine in the end anyways, right?” 

Steve wished Natasha was here, she was supposed to come with Stark but had got caught up in traffic. She and Sam had ended up staying in the city last night after they left Steve’s place, Sam had a few too many to drink after they left IHOP and Happy wouldn’t pick him up again after Sam had thrown up in the car last time.

 Just then Doctor Cho’s phone chirped up and she sighed as she checked the notification.

“I have that phone call with the UN, I have to go” she looked reluctant to leave. “Can we come back sometime?” 

Stark took that as his cue to leave as well, also not looking happy about going without getting to ask more questions “Or you can come to the lab, check out the arm” he offered, looking at Bucky as he said it. “I’ll need you to come in for a fitting”

Steve nodded for the both of them “Yeah, rather you here or us there, whatever would be easier” he slid his arm back from where it had been tucked around Bucky’s side and stood up to walk the pair out. 

“Gimme a couple days to make the place presentable, then come visit me for a change?” and Stark playfully fluttered his eyelashes at Steve “You could do with a break from this apartment anyways”

“True” the blond sighed “Change of scenery would be nice, actually. Let us know when’s best to come down”

They said their goodbyes in the doorway, promising to catch up again in a couple of days. 

The Asset stood nervously as Steve closed the door of the apartment after seeing out the Doctor and Stark, it quietly stepped around the couch and a couple paces closer to its handler. It was in trouble, wasn’t it? It was hard to tell with Steve, he hadn’t given out any punishments, unless the Asset included the times Steve had left the apartment without it. But Steve didn’t even seem to realise that was a punishment, so it probably didn’t count. 

It had lied by omission, not telling them about the bomb or the blood line, it was still lying. It had spoken out of turn, it shouldn’t have told Steve that it knew everything it said made him sad, that had just made him sadder. It had left a question unanswered. Why? No, the Asset had told Steve it didn’t know why, and that was a straight up lie. Not even by omission. The Asset knew why it didn’t speak up about the blood line. Steve had to know it was lying. 

When Steve turned around he seemed surprised the Asset had moved, he opened his mouth to say something but the Asset cut him off

“Why haven’t you punished me yet?” 

It was speaking out of turn again, but it didn’t care. It needed to know, and if speaking without permission this once was the straw that broke Steve’s back and finally got the Asset punished then good. Good. It should be punished. It was driving the Asset crazy waiting for it. No Handler had ever made it wait this long, it was agonising to constantly fuck up over and over again and know it was all stacking up. 

“Bucky… I don’t-... I don’t want to punish you, you haven’t done anything wrong” Steve’s voice shook as he spoke. Upset. Sad. The Asset was right, everything it said upset Steve. Didn’t want to punish him? Hadn’t done anything wrong?

“I attacked you in Romania, I tried to run from you” it reminded its handler

“You stopped, you’re here now” Steve answered and he took a step closer to the Asset.

“You didn’t punish me for it. I have spoken out of turn, lied, I make a mess and you clean it- I don't understand.” The Asset stared hard at the wood flooring, not daring to look at Steve’s sad face. “You ask me questions I don’t understand, I can’t answer- you are constantly disappointed. The Asset cannot go on missions without the arm, Stark won’t return it. You don’t get mad when I do things without permission, but you should. You have read the Handler’s Rulebook, I know you have, Steve”

It finally looked up when Steve sighed for the billionth time today. The Asset was right, he was sad, his eyes were wet and his hands were shaking. 

“I have, I didn’t like it” Steve mumbled with a shrug “I didn’t think you would have liked it either” 

“The Asset does not like or dislike anything, a gun doesn’t have a favourite hand, it just shoots when it’s trigger is pulled” 

It was quoting Pierce, it realised, and as soon as it realised the Asset found it dropping to its knees and throwing up right there on Steve’s hardwood floor. Not much, just stomach bile, but it dry heaved and coughed and Steve was right there beside it rubbing its back and uttering “It’s okay, you’re okay” 

Steve hadn’t fed it this morning, after hearing that people were coming to ask questions the Asset hadn’t wanted to eat. It left a small puddle of stomach acid on Steve’s floor once it was done dry heaving. The taste of bile and copper sticking to its tongue. 

“Sit up, kneel properly with your back straight, it’ll help you breathe right” Steve said firmly and the Asset did as it was told. “Good, don’t move, I’m calling Natasha”

The Asset’s head snapped up “Wait- Steve, you said-”

“You finally want to be punished? Well, this is the punishment, I’m calling Natasha” Steve’s voice was still shaking, but he seemed committed. 

Fuck, the Asset had pushed, it had pushed and now was getting what it wanted. It wanted punishment, didn’t it? It had asked for it. Not this though

“No- Steve-” It wanted to get up and follow Steve into the kitchen but it had been ordered to sit still and kneel “No, please, I’m sorry- I just meant… I meant-”

Steve came back from the kitchen with his phone in one hand and some paper towel in the other “If you are worried about me cleaning up your messes, here” he handed it to the Asset “You clean that” 

“Please just hit me” the Asset begged as it watched Steve go through his contacts. 

Steve froze up, the Asset heard his breath hitch like he was trying not to cry. The Asset wished it was allowed to cry as well. This wasn’t fair, this isn’t what it meant. It held the paper towel in its hand, wondering if it refused to clean up its own sick maybe Steve would think of a different, worse punishment. 

“Steve, please” the Asset whined in the back of its throat and Steve couldn’t help it, he started crying. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry I asked, I won’t ask again”

It heard the sound of a text being sent before Steve threw his phone across the room, hitting the living room carpet with a thud. Steve grabbed another piece of paper towel and the Asset was quickly reminded of what it had been told to do, clean up its own sick. It started wiping as Steve came over, but Steve simply put his fingers under the Asset's chin and said “Lift your head a bit” 

The Asset nervously looked up, Steve’s eyes were red and teary and he wiped the Asset’s mouth where it was still messy from throwing up. Still being sweet, still being nice, the Asset wanted to scream and rip its skin off, it didn’t get it. It didn’t understand. 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Bucky,” Steve explained softly, his voice wobbly as he spoke with tears in his eyes. “I don’t mean to confuse you either. Natasha is better at these things, she can explain them better than I can. I know you don’t want her to think you are being bad, but if you need punishment, I don’t know how- how to…”

Steve trailed off and the Asset just admitted defeat. The text was sent, Natalia was coming, she would know everything. The Asset was not being good, and its handler didn’t know how to punish it. Is that why Steve hadn’t punished it, he just didn’t know how? 

“But-..” the Asset frowned again “You read the Handlers guide, you know that the Asset must be punished” 

“I disagree with that stupid fuckin’ rulebook, Bucky” Steve finally snapped. “Fuck the stupid Handlers guide to torturing someone!”

The Asset flinched, seeing anger from Steve for the first time since DC, since before Steve ripped the Asset’s mask off in the street. It's how the Asset knew it was real, it recognised Steve Rogers, and Steve Rogers had recognised it back. 

The front door opened even though the Asset had watched Steve lock it, and Natalia quickly stepped inside. She was in last night's clothes but was still well put together and she wordlessly took in the scene as she stepped over to them both. 

“Mommy’s here, stop arguing” she smirked. Natalia could read the room well, she must have heard Steve yelling about the Handlers guide before she walked in and could probably smell the stomach bile that was soaking the paper towels.

She took them both by surprise when she side stepped Steve and grabbed the Asset by the hair and yanked it up from its knees, forcing it to stand. She had to let go of it’s hair as it stood and instead she took a firm grip of its elbow, leaning it to say

“Good boy, now I need you to go shower and change your clothes while I talk to your Handler. When you’re done, kneel on the floor in your room” she was still smirking and when the Asset looked at Steve there was a flash of anger again behind his eyes at the word handler. 

“Go on” normally the Winter Soldier was built like a wall, but without the arm it was easier to shove it off balance, which Natalia did. Pushing the Asset towards its room. It stumbled a little and looked to Steve for permission, but the blond was too busy staring at Natalia.

Natasha watched the Soldat walk away hesitantly, heading towards the bedroom. Once the door was closed she finally turned to Steve “Make some coffee, you’ll need it” she warned. 

“Nat,” Steve let out a heavy sigh, he was glad to see her but now that she was here Steve was getting worried what she would do. “I’m at a loss”

She got him in the kitchen and directed him to begin making coffee while she found some cleaner under the sink that Steve didn’t even know he owned. He found Natasha’s favourite mug on the drying rack and got some milk from the fridge while she scrubbed the floor properly. 

“Tell me” Natasha instructed once she was done cleaning and the coffee was ready.

Steve sat the coffee down on the breakfast island and they both took a seat. He wondered if maybe Natasha should just move in, she was here nearly every day anyways. 

“He wants punishing” Steve put it bluntly “and when I tell him he doesn’t need punishing, it freaks him out” 

The redhead hummed and blew into her cup gently to cool it down. “We were expecting this,” she reminded him. “The Winter Soldier doesn’t believe its a person”

“I wasn’t expecting him to ask to be punished, Nat!” Steve said frustratedly. This is what Rumlow had meant about the Asset needing a man to handle him. “Bucky thinks I’m keeping score or something, he brought up Romania, that was weeks ago and he still thinks I’m gonna punish him for reacting like that in the apartment- when we cornered him like a rabid dog and I pinned him-” 

“Slow down, Rogers” she held up a hand “Barnes doesn’t think like us, he thinks like someone who has been punished for every slip up in the last 70 years. When he fucks up, no matter how small, he expects consequences. When there isn’t any, he still expects it to come at some point. The longer you leave it, the worse this’ll get” 

“So what? Every time Bucky thinks he’s done something wrong I'm supposed to… hit him?” 

Desperately staring at her Steve hoped she could tell him differently, but she just shrugged and Steve wanted to scream. 

“You don’t have to hit him, I suppose. That’s easiest though” Natasha was deep in thought for a moment and Steve hung his head. “You’ve read the files, you know what else they did to him” 

“I’m not doing that,” Steve said quickly, firmly. “I’m not Rumlow”

She shrugged again “I didn’t say you were.” 

“I don’t want to hit him, I don’t wanna deprive him of food or water when he already gets so little- the same for sleep, and i’m not- I’m not gonna-”

He felt a little sick thinking about it, honestly. Some nights while they tracked Bucky down through Europe Steve had stayed up late to read the files, always regretting it but refusing to stop. Steve felt like he needed to know, deserved to know and feel at least some pain from just the knowledge of what they were doing to his best friend. He had never gone looking after Bucky fell from the train, had assumed- like everyone else- that Bucky Barnes died in that fall. 

Bucky hadn’t died though. Though Steve knew exactly when Bucky stopped fighting so hard, HYDRA had documented it in the Winter Soldier files. After they broke the news to Bucky that Steve had died in the plane crash they remarked at how much more docile he’d become. The Soldat took the news hard, it has been restrained to stop it from self terminating. Then a month later another file update, Soldat refuses food and water, but has become less violent. We plan to quicken the schedule, now is good timing for the real training.

Before they left for Europe Rumlow woke up from his coma. Steve needed answers, badly. He had so many questions, and his old friend Brock seemed to find it funny to answer them, chuckling even though his crushed ribs must have hurt when he did. 

“You’re chasin’ after ghosts, Steve. Bucky’s dead, he’s been dead a long, long time.”

“Why did he pull me out of the river then? He save my life, he recognised me” 

“It might sound crazy, but have you ever looked at Pierce and thought ‘God, what an ugly, older version of me?’ Blue eyes, blond hair, you know back in the day Pierce was probably a looker” 

After he’d left the hospital he had asked Fury if there were any old photos of Alexander Pierce, Fury had sent some over without questions and Steve had hated what he saw. They wouldn’t have been mistaken for twins, but he could see some resemblance. 

Rumlow had said a lot of other shit that night when Steve had visited, some things he had assumed Rumlow had made up just to be cruel but Steve had later found out to be true from the old HYDRA files. Some of the stuff he told Steve wasn’t in the files they found but… he wondered now how true they were. 

“If you’re gonna be his handler, you gotta know how to handle him. He likes to be handled rough, Steve, think you can be rough with him?”

“Did you need me to do it?”

Natasha was drawing him out of his thoughts again. A concerned expression on her face as she looked at him. 

“I can do it, if you can’t” 

“He begged me not to tell you. Twice. He got freaked out by Stark earlier, Tony asked if we should call you and he- he got even worse. He begged me, Nat, he was terrified you would know he was ‘being bad’.” Steve explained to her, wringing his hands in his lap. 

Natasha frowned, she seemed surprised by that. “Huh” 

Steve sipped his coffee, it was already going cold. Bucky was probably already done showering and changing, Steve could imagine him kneeling on the bedroom floor waiting for his punishment. 

“You can’t deprive him of food or water, that’s true. It’s not like he’s a teenager though, he doesn’t have a laptop you can take away from him and he has no special privileges.” Natasha hummed in thought “You say you won’t hit him…” 

“I really, really don’t want to hurt him, Nat. Bucky’s been through enough, I don’t want him to be scared of me- or more scared of me than he already is” 

There was silence in the kitchen again as Steve stared at her hoping she could think of something. She was right though, it’s not like there were many other options. Bucky didn’t have any hobbies or privileges, and even if he did Steve wouldn’t wanna take those away. He didn’t go anywhere he enjoyed, there wasn’t anything he liked. 

No Bucky had told him, quite clearly. The Asset did not like things. 

“I don’t really know what to tell you, Steve. Have you asked him what punishment he feels would be appropriate?” she asked curiously. 

“No… I didn’t” Steve didn’t think he’d like the answer much whatever it was. 

“Let’s go ask him. You won’t wanna do anything anyways, might as well get an idea of what he wants” Natasha shrugged and stood up from the breakfast bar. 

Steve followed behind her quickly “I don’t know, Nat. Can’t you just explain to him that he won’t get punished?”

“It won’t stick” she shook her head “Not this early in” 

The Asset heard a knock on the bedroom door before it swiftly opened. It was kneeling in the center of the room, hair damp and in clean clothes. It had brushed the taste of vomit out of its mouth but it couldn’t get its hair back up without help. While it had been kneeling waiting for someone to come in and deal with it, its heart rate wouldn’t calm. The Asset had asked for punishment, so why was it suddenly so fearful? 

Natalia strolled in as if she was just popping in to say hi, light on her feet and with a small smile on her face. Steve came in behind her much differently. His eyes were still red and teary and his body was all rigid, radiating upset. 

“Come here then” Natalia plopped herself down on the barely used bed and patted her inner thigh, leaving a space between her knees for the Asset- who crawled over to her on its hands and knees before wedging its shoulders in between her legs. 

“You as well, Steve” she beckoned Steve over, patting the space beside her on the bed as she cupped the Asset’s cheek with her other hand. 

Her hand was warm and soft and she smelled like coffee but sweeter. The Asset leaned into her hand slightly as she rubbed her thumb along its cheekbone just under its eye. Steve was slow and cautious coming over but eventually sat himself down. 

“Steve tells me you’ve been being good, but he isn’t very observant. You are, aren’t you Asset?” She spoke softly but firmly, her green eyes staring into its and the Asset couldn’t look away. 

It nodded, it was observant. 

“So tell me everything you think you’ve done wrong in the last three weeks. Steve hasn’t been keeping track, but you obviously have been. Good Asset’s keep track of things, don’t they?” her fingers pushed through the front of its damp hair, brushing the wet strands out of its face. 

Was this a trick? It was a trap, to see if the Asset would lie or forget anything. There was a previous handler who did something like this, he was one of the handlers who lied to delay punishments as well. It would ask the Asset now what did you do wrong this week? And the Asset would list everything it had done, even things the Handler wasn’t around for, because Handlers see and hear everything. There was no hiding from their wrath. 

The Asset began to list, beginning with Romania. Telling Natalia about how the Asset had tried to run from Steve, had fought him, but she knew all that because she was there for it. The Asset explained how it couldn’t perform basic tasks, had lied by omission, had lied at will- once. Steve had frowned at that and the Asset had hung its head and admitted

“When Stark asked about the blood line artery, Steve asked why I hadn’t told anyone that I knew about it before the surgery. I said I didn’t know why I didn’t say anything” 

Its heart race increased even more. It knew it shouldn’t fidget, but found it curling its fingers around the hem of its shirt. Steve’s shirt. All of its clothes were Steve’s clothes. 

Natalia raised an eyebrow, Steve spoke next. 

“Stark and Cho found a major artery running through part of his arm, if they hadn’t spotted it and had cut it, he would’ve bled to death” Steve supplied. 

She nodded slowly before brushing the Asset’s hair back behind its ears with both of her hands before she cupped its cheeks to look at the Asset’s eyes. “I think I already know why you lied, but tell me anyway. I think you should confess” 

“I didn’t- I didn’t tell anyone because…” The Asset glanced over at Steve, he already seemed so sad and defeated

Natalia was still holding its face in her hands and when it tried to look away she forced it to look at her in the eyes. 

 “The Asset does not have the authority to decommission itself” it told her, keeping its eyes trained on Natalia’s green eyes so it could block Steve’s face out. 

It couldn’t help but notice its handler however. The sudden shaky intake of breath, how Steve’s hands gripped at his jeans and his thighs tensed under his fingers. The Asset noticed Steve’s eyes fill up with tears and his bottom lip quiver before Steve bit down hard, but not before the Asset heard Steve whisper “ Fuck”

“Mmm, well done. Good confession.” Natalia praised, tone neutral. She brushed back its hair again and rubbed at its cheek a little to draw the Assets eyes back to her from where it was staring at Steve. “You are forbidden from self decommissioning” she nodded reaffirming the rule. 

“Nat…” Steve all but whined, sounding like a kicked puppy. 

The Asset watched as she took away one of her hands from its face to reach over and grab Steve’s. Natalia was comforting its handler, because the Asset had upset its handler. Should it add that to the list of… confessions? 

“The Asset constantly disappoints its handler” it decided to add. 

“No you don’t-” Steve began to quickly argue, but with just a small squeeze of the redhead's hand in Steve’s made him slow down. “You aren’t disappointing me, Bucky” 

“The Asset makes you sad” it said firmly, that was a fact and it knew it. “I disappoint you” 

It was frowning wondering why Steve would lie about it not being a disappointment. Steve, Natalia, Sam- even Stark, had all put a lot of time and money into tracking and capturing the Winter Soldier. It was a poor investment. 

“ You don't make me sad, Buck, I'm sad on your behalf” Steve was choosing his words carefully. “I’m not disappointed in you. I promise” 

The Asset tried to wrap its head around that but its migraine was starting to come back again. 

When Steve reached out a hand towards it the Asset did not flinch, it was very careful not to. Natalia moved her hand away so Steve could place one of his hands on the Asset’s chin, tilting its head so it was looking directly into its handler's blue eyes. 

“I am not disappointed in you” 

The Asset nodded. If that’s what it's Handler wanted to believe…

Steve’s fingers were warm and light on its chin and the Asset found itself trying to follow them for half a second when Steve pulled his hand away. 

“We will be making new rules, Soldier” Natalia spoke and its eyes darted back to her in confusion. 

New rules? More rules?

“You were HYDRA’s fist. You belonged to HYDRA. Now you don’t, now you belong to Steve”

At least it wasn’t just the Asset that upset Steve, Natalia was upsetting Steve. She didn’t look worried about punishment though. Natalia was maybe like a field handler, if he ever went out to the field again, but Rumlow had been a field handler and still could get in trouble from Pierce.

“Steve isn’t HYDRA, his rules will be different” 

It frowned in response. Were they playing some kind of game? Say the rules had changed and then force him to break the original rules? 

“Rule one: Self termination or self decommission is forbidden, this is a rule that will not change. This is a good rule” she took its face in her hands again “Rule two: if you know something will kill or hurt you, you must speak up”

“You have to say something, Bucky, Stark could have killed you removing the arm”

It nodded again. That was a HYDRA rule. It must not be killed or let itself be killed. 

“And not just that, I know you’re in pain sometimes and you don’t say anything…” Steve’s voice was so defeated “You have to tell someone when you’re in pain, okay? We might be able to help”

The Asset furrowed its brow “Every time?” it asked

“Are you in pain now?” Natalia asked.

The Asset did a once over itself. What did it consider to be in pain? There was… discomfort. The metal supports HYDRA installed in its back, chest and ribs could cause some stiffness, some twinging, there was discomfort there sometimes but the Asset did not know if that was pain. Its jaw never fully healed from all those decades ago when they had to wire it shut after it was broken. Sometimes it clicked, sometimes it got stuck and the Asset had to pry it open with its fingers, did that.. Hurt? When Natalia rubbed and squeezed the back of its neck that seemed to relieve some tension, but the Asset didn’t know if that was the pain and help its handlers were talking about. 

The only thing it knew hurt for sure was its head. 

Natasha could see Barnes thinking hard about what they’d said, she knew all this was confusing from first hand experience but even she hadn’t been in this deep when Clint had brought her home. Steve was fidgeting on the bed beside her, chewing his own lips off to let James have a moment to think in silence. She knew this all had to be hard and confusing for him too, despite how Natasha and Sam had tried their best to warn him. 

Changing the rules would be a big thing. Something that could take weeks or maybe months to implement fully, she knew Barnes thought this was all a trick, some kind of trap to make him break even more rules. This was going to potentially be pretty scary for him but Natasha knew they’d never break HYDRA’s conditioning if they played by all of their rules forever. 

“The Asset gets headaches” it said finally. Then corrected itself “Has a headache” 

That was unsurprising and something she already knew he dealt with. Cho had told them about the brain damage from the electroshocks he’d been given, and the cryo wouldn’t have helped. They’d done multiple brain scans when Barnes had arrived and knew at least he didn’t have any metal or screws up there- unlike the rest of his body. 

Natasha rubbed Barnes' temples gently with her thumbs and watched as he let his eyes drift shut. “Yeah, we are gonna figure something out to help with that” 

The brunet’s mouth opened slightly as if to say something but he closed it again. 

“Hm?” she pressed.

“...This.. this helps” the Winter Soldier admitted quietly, nervous. 

She smiled “Good” 

Bucky seemed happy with the praise, relaxing against her thighs a little. Eyes closed as he let Natasha rub at the sides of his face. She had noticed Steve had a small pocket sized notebook with him that he had carefully pulled out when Bucky had closed his eyes. Steve was quietly scribbling away and she could see he was writing down Headache, try rubbing temples. 

“Does anything else hurt?” Natasha asked the man kneeling at her feet. 

“I don’t think so?” Bucky replied unsure. 

“Remember you must speak up if something hurts you, that is the new Rule 2. So let us know if something starts to hurt” She reminded. 

“Da, Natalia” 

She took a moment to really take in the room, it looked unlived in. Everything was exactly the same as the day Stark’s contractors finished building it. Dark hardwood floors with a small plush grey rug at the bottom of the bed. Plain but expensive wardrobe, chest of drawers, a shelf with nothing on it on the wall. They had ordered just black and grey basic clothes for Barnes but Natasha had seen him occasionally in some of Steve’s clothes. There was a door that led off to the en suite, Bucky’s bathroom, but the door was shut. She imagined it was similar to this room, mostly empty, and what stuff you could find was Steve’s anyways. 

Rule one: Cannot self terminate 

Rule two: Must speak up if something hurts or will kill him

Rule three: ? 

“Have you been getting three meals a day?” Natasha asked Barnes. 

He nodded but then hesitated and glanced at Steve. 

“Has he?” 

Steve shrugged “More like one or two, he can’t keep too much down but he’s trying.” 

“You have to eat at least once a day, what about water?”

The soldier perked up “I’m good at that” Barnes told her. 

The blond actually smiled a little at that and made a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh “Yeah, I think he’s fine drinking” 

“That’s good then. We’ll make that rule 3, at least one meal a day, strive for three. And you must drink water, obviously, but you already do great at that” 

The praise worked well, Natasha would have to get Steve to write that down. Physical affection, praise, it made sense- Barnes was starved of it. 

The Handler Guidebook had a lot of rules, the main ones being that Barnes could never refuse any order given to him by a Handler, he was to never attack, maim or kill any HYDRA agent, and he was to succeed on all of its missions without ever being seen. 

Natasha also knew Barnes wasn’t supposed to speak without being told, or move, or eat or drink, sleep or shower, or anything apart from breathe and blink essentially. The Handlers Guidebook had a list of suggested punishments for the more “extreme cases of rule breaking” such as what to do if the Asset ever spoke out of turn or attacked a HYDRA agent. 

She had read the list of punishments, but only because Steve had broken down halfway through and Natasha had taken the files away from him to physically stop him from torturing himself just reading them. 

“What do you think the punishment should be if you break rule 3?” Natasha decided to ask it. That’s the reason they came in here, wasn’t it, to ask Bucky what he thought about punishments. 

Icy blue eyes snapped open to stare at her, immediately filled with anxiety. Natasha stroked her thumb over under his eye along his cheekbone. 

“That is a Handler decision” Barnes told her “That’s not up to me” 

“What do you think previous Handlers would have done if they had given you that rule and you had broken it? What do you think the punishment would have been if you had forgotten or refused to eat for a day?” She was curious. 

“Natasha… is it best to ask about previous Handlers” Steve mumbled

“I want to know” 

The soldier shifted on the hardwood floor beneath him, she wondered if his knees bruised or if the super soldier serum healed him too quickly for that. 

“It would depend on the Handler, and if I forgot or refused. Refusing is worse than forgetting- both are bad. An Asset should never refuse its Handler, ever.” He shook his head and took a breath “Rumlow would probably have beaten me, if- if I had to assume. The Asset is required to maintain itself while on solo missions to be at full potential, but the Asset does not need to eat daily.”

“The Asset does need to eat daily now” Natasha reminded it “Rule three. So Rumlow would have beaten you, yeah I would guess that too.” 

Steve stood up and it made Bucky flinch. He didn’t mean to make him flinch all the time, he couldn’t help it. Steve wished Bucky could trust him. 

“I’m not beating you, Bucky” Steve said between gritted teeth as he turned his back to the pair and began pacing the room slowly. 

“What about rule one and two, do you know what the punishment for breaking those rules would have been in HYDRA?” 

“The Asset would have been considered a danger to itself, beating, wipe, potential cryo- if not then restrained in solitary confinement” Bucky listed off with a blank neutral tone. “Once they-” he cut himself off quickly and Steve turned to glance over. 

Nat had gotten Bucky to lay his head on her thigh like a dog, his one hand limp in his lap and those icy eyes were closed tightly as it thought about something horrible. 

“Once what?” Steve pushed, needing to know. Bucky rarely added extra detail, though Steve knew he wasn’t gonna like what he was about to hear. 

“Handler Caltower, after the Asset tried to self decommission in the 80’s, made the Asset play Russian Roulette with one of the girls from the Red Room” 

Steve immediately was drawn to Natasha to see her reaction, her green eyes widened a little in surprise but a look of recollection on her face. 

“A black haired girl, Georgina, I remember them bringing you in that week to teach us hand to hand combat against larger foes. At the end of the week you missed a day, the next day Georgina was sent for a private lesson and she never came back” 

It didn’t feel right to see Natasha sad, it wasn’t a look Steve thought he’d ever see on her. 

Steve knew Bucky had been sent to the Red Room, Natasha had told him and Sam all about it during the time they spent in Europe. When Sam had questioned why she was even there, even helping, Natasha had confessed that she knew Bucky better than she was letting on. Of course she had already told them about how Bucky had shot her in the hip years ago while she was on job protecting some scientist, how Nat was lucky to live through that. 

“Handler Caltower placed the gun between the Asset and the girl and told us to pick up the gun and shoot it at each other, in turns. The Asset said it did not want to shoot the girl, so the Asset was punished again for refusing an order” Bucky continued to tell her

“What was the punishment for refusing?” 

Steve surprised himself by asking, surprising Bucky and Natasha too as they both turned to him where he had stopped pacing the room.

“The Asset wore an electroshock collar back then, Handler Caltower believed it helped with stubbornness, which the Asset was still prone to at the time- not anymore though, the Asset can behave now, I promise” his eyes glancing between Natasha and Steve almost pleadingly. 

Steve internally cringed, like a dog shock collar? 

“The Asset got in a lot of trouble that week…” Bucky said a little quieter, as if only now starting to remember it fully. “For attempting to self decommission, other punishments have been restraining the Asset and wiping it, those seem most effective. I don’t think Steve would like it if the Asset shot a girl” 

Natasha actually chuckled at that “No, he wouldn’t” 

“No damn right” Steve grumbled. 

Caltower had been in the old files, but Steve hadn’t remembered the stuff about the electroshock collars or anything about him forcing Bucky to shoot one of Natasha’s classmates in the Red Room. 

“Then the punishment for attempting to self decommission out right we’ll figure out, what we do need to think of right now is a punishment for self decommission in the way of letting Stark accidentally cut open an artery. Because that is what you were trying to do, weren’t you, Soldat?” 

Steve felt like all the life in the room was sucked out as he watched Bucky nod and curl into himself a little. Drawing his shoulders in and pulling his body a little closer to Natasha. Bucky had been trying to die then, he was confessing that by not telling Stark or Cho about the bloodline he really had been hoping they cut it and he’d bleed to death. 

“Why, Bucky?” 

The Asset did not flinch as Steve collapsed on the floor beside it next to Natalia’s legs, the blond’s hand suddenly on its back. “Bucky, you said you were ready to turn yourself in, why would you want to bleed to death on Cho’s table?” 

Steve’s lip was wobbling again but this time the tears were fully streaming down his face, shoulders shaking. It desperately looked to Natalia but she said nothing, letting the Asset fumble through this on its own. 

“I- I’m tired, Steve… I don’t- I don’t know. I just… Everything is so confusing, and I-I didn’t want to lose the arm. HYDRA will be so mad the Asset lost the arm” it rambled

“You aren’t ever going back to HYDRA, Buck, fuck HYDRA, it doesn’t matter if you break their rules or do shit that will piss them off. HYDRA can die and rot in the ground” Steve spat out hatefully

The Asset curled in on itself a little further. Steve and Natalia were Avengers, were SHIELD, HYDRA’s natural enemy. Of course Steve would say that. 

“HYDRA cannot die, Steve,” the Asset reminded him. Everyone knew that. “HYDRA will want their Asset back, and the arm”

“I won’t let them” 

It was reminded then of the Steve he saw on the bridge and on the triskelion. Steve wouldn't back down, no matter what. It was... Reassuring. Steve was a man of his word, wasn’t he? That’s what everyone seemed to think. That’s what the Asset remembered… wasn’t it? Steve was a man of his word. 

“You promise?” 

Steve’s hand shot out to grip its shoulder firmly, forcing eye contact as he said, with meaning

“I promise, Bucky. I let you down before, I won’t ever let you down again” 

“You’ll get your arm back too, James” Natalia told him from above them “It’ll be shiny and new, but it’ll be better than the old one. Lighter, stronger. It’ll take a bit of getting used to but it’ll cause you less pain” 

“HYDRA’s arm hurt” it supplied, knowing Natalia and Steve wanted to know when it hurt. 

“Yeah, I'll bet” Steve said as he wiped at his face, trying to dry the tears there. 

The Asset watched as Steve collected himself a little. The Asset didn’t know if it had ever seen a Handler cry before. Steve really was the weirdest one it had ever had. 

“What do you think then, Asset? A punishment for trying to self decommission by not telling us about the bloodline?” Natalia pressed on. 

What did it think? It had already told her “It is not up to the Asset-”

“But if it were” 

“Rumlow would have-”

“No, what does the Asset think is suitable?” She corrected him but it didn’t hear any frustration in her voice. 

Its head hurt. This was so confusing. Steve didn’t like the sound of any of the punishments that had been brought up. 

“The Asset should take a beating” 

Steve, predictably, made a sad whining noise in the back of his throat.

“Steve said he doesn’t want to hit you” Natalia told it, but it already knew that. 

“Is it-” it shouldn’t ask questions, but Natalia raised an eyebrow and urged it to continue “Is it because I asked for it?” It directed the question at the blond who was still on the floor beside him. 

“Buck…” 

“The Asset asked to be hit, instead of Steve telling Natalia that I had been misbehaving. Is that why? Because I asked to be hit? I don’t… I don’t understand. You can hit me, Steve” 

Steve stared back at it with wide watery eyes before he turned those wet eyes to Natalia in desperation, at a loss for words. “I don’t wanna…” 

“You think because you asked to be hit, Steve won’t hit you. No, Soldat, Steve doesn’t want to hit you because he doesn’t want to cause you pain” Natalia explained but it wasn’t helping. 

“The Asset learns through pain. That is how you train the Asset.” 

It had been worried that Steve and Natalia, and everyone else here, was frustrated with the Asset’s lack of usefulness. Now it realised, no, the Asset was frustrated with their lack of capability to do what needed to be done. 

Fury wanted the Asset to be fully decommissioned, and the Asset agreed. Steve was its handler though and Steve disagreed, okay so the Asset wasn’t to be decommissioned. Steve must have a purpose for it though, the Asset must be useful, must be put to work or put on ice until it has a mission. Steve disagreed, and Steve was its handler, so okay the Asset was not to go on mission or on ice. So what was to be done with it? 

There was often some downtime during missions with Rumlow and his STRIKE team, and even during those short hours Rumlow could still find use and purpose for the Asset. Maybe that’s what Steve needed. 

Steve and Natalia had started bickering while it had gotten lost in thought, but it wasn’t sure what about. 

“Rumlow found other purposes for the Asset that did not include missions or extreme amounts of pain, so have other Handlers. Is that the sort of thing you mean? No mission, no training?” it said aloud causing them to stop their arguing, it knew it should not interrupt. 

“Yeah, yeah Bucky, no missions or training or painful punishments- I don’t wanna hurt you, and you don’t have to hurt anyone either” Steve nodded quickly with a slight smile 

Natalia wasn’t smiling though when she asked in a voice that sounded like she already knew what the answer would be “What other purposes?” 

“You can fuck the Asset, or the Asset can suc-”

Steve was on his feet and throwing his arms up in the air, the Asset flinching at the sudden burst of anger and frustration shown by its Handler. 

“NO” Steve yelled as he slammed the bedroom door closed behind him as he stormed out. 

It did not move. It did not look at Natalia. It did not speak. 

“I saw that coming…” it heard her mutter into the now silent room. 

The Asset was still kneeling between her thighs but didn’t dare breathe. 

“That wasn’t your fault, Soldat, I think Steve is against all forms of punishment” she sighed. 

“Will you do it?” it asked her quietly, curiously. If not her, then who? Sam? Sam didn’t like him much so maybe “Sam could do it, Sam doesn’t like the Asset” 

The Asset had shot Natalia and killed her classmates in the Red Room, she should want to punish it. It had ripped Sam’s wings off, almost killed him, Sam should want to punish it. The Asset had nearly killed Steve, if it hadn’t pulled him out the river.. Steve would have drowned. Steve had the most reason to want to hurt it. 

“Steve’s hit me before, I don’t understand” 

“He didn’t want to hit you…”

Natalia tightened her legs around the Asset and lifted its head. “Do you think you need punishment? Really?” 

She was looking for something in the Asset’s eyes and it didn’t know what, she was scrutinising it, searching for something. Was she trying to tell if it was lying? 

“I don’t understand. The Asset tried to kill Steve, I shot you, Natalia. I tried to run, I tried to die. Why delay it any longer?” 

“You did shoot me” Natalia huffed in amusement “I didn’t forget that. Steve hasn’t forgotten that you almost killed him, he also hasn’t forgotten that you also saved his life when you pulled him out of the water. Steve wasn’t intentionally delaying punishment either, he didn’t know he was supposed to punish you” 

Didn’t know? That made sense, it supposed. Steve had read the Handlers Guidebook but… maybe he didn't know? Maybe Steve thought someone else was supposed to do it? Sometimes Pierce would delegate someone else to do punishments when he was busy. 

“So what does Steve want the Asset to do? No mission, no training, Steve doesn’t want to hurt the Asset, or even fuck it? What is the Asset’s purpose if you don’t want to put it on cryo?” it couldn’t help the twinge of frustration in its own voice 

“To be a civilian-” Natalia tried to repeat. 

The Asset couldn’t help but be annoyed, it wriggled free of her thighs and sat back to glare at her. It shouldn’t try to get away from her, it shouldn’t be angry with her, but what would she do? Punish it? It was asking, no, begging for it and they still wouldn’t. 

“The Asset is a weapon. The Handler should point and the Asset kills. The Asset cannot be a civilian- it tried it, to blend in, in Romania, but Steve came and got it. And the Asset was dying there anyways, it is not good at being a civilian” it snapped. 

It had tried, really hard. It watched other normal people, saw how they shopped, saw how they smiled at one another in the apartment building hallways, how they said please and thank you at the market or when it held open doors for them. It had watched, and copied, and people almost seemed to like it- though everyone seemed to know it wasn’t quite right. Everyone seemed to like it, until they met its eyes. It must have the eyes of a weapon, not the eyes of the person, because it's what gave it away every time. 

It knew people ate and drank and socialised, and when they got hurt they saw doctors, when their machinery broke down they saw mechanics. The Asset ate barely, not having the right equipment for its feeding tube made things difficult. It had considered robbing the doctor's office or sneaking into a hospital, but it didn’t seem worth the risk at the time. Socialising was impossible, above the basic small talk of asking vendors how much per plum or bus drivers how much per ticket, it could barely hold a conversation. It couldn’t see a doctor without revealing itself to HYDRA, they had eyes and ears everywhere, and the same went for the arm. 

It had done its best to keep itself alive before Steve found it, but it had been failing. The Asset had planned to hit more HYDRA bases but knew it was losing strength. The arm had taken a shot and a panel had given way, splitting and a piece had gotten stuck inside the inner workings of the arm causing it to lock up and spark occasionally. It had been blindingly painful whenever it sparked. Enough to make the Asset see white. It reminded it too much of the wipes. 

“I couldn’t be a civilian either…” 

Natalia was skimming through a small little notebook that it recognised as Steve’s, he must have left it behind on the bed before he stormed out. The Asset knew Steve wrote important things down in that book, it made the Asset glanced between Natalia’s legs in front of him, to its backpack under the bed. 

Steve had never asked to see them once they got back from Romania, but he had read a few pages in the apartment before he realised the Asset was even there. It wondered what pages Steve had managed to read, if he had seen anything he shouldn’t have. Not that the Asset should keep things from its handler but… it didn’t want to lose its own notebook. 

“That’s Steve’s…” it attempted to quietly protest, thinking itself brave. 

It would hate it if Natalia read through its notebook. It had been keeping track of all of the stuff it dreamt about at night, since the wipes had stopped and it had been out of cryo for so long it had started dreaming at night again. The Asset also wrote down every memory that came back to it, good or bad, it wrote everything down. It didn’t want to forget again. It didn’t want to forget.

Natalia snapped the book shut with a grin “You’re right” she threw the Asset the notebook and it managed to haphazardly grab it with its one hand. “You can’t be a civilian, at least, not yet. But right now, you aren’t really up for much. You are weak, have malnutrition, even when Stark has the new arm you might not be strong enough to use it without hurting yourself. This is why you must eat, and you and Steve will start going to the gym together so you can do some light training.”

“Da, Natalia” it understood

“And as for punishment?”

Natalia swiftly stood up and the sound of her slap striking the Asset in the face resonated across the empty room, quick enough and hard enough to catch the Asset off guard and make it fall sideways. It managed to catch itself with its one arm before it hit the ground. The sting was sharp and its cheek burned.

The Asset looked up surprised

“I think that makes us even. We’ll have a clean slate from now on. The only rules that will apply are these rules and the ones Steve may add in the future. Rule One, do not self decommission. Rule Two, do not find other ways to die. Rule Three, you must eat one meal a day and drink water. Rule Four, you must not hurt allies or civilians. Do you understand?” 

“Da, Natalia” it breathed out, still in shock from her blow

“Good.” 

Good. 

Chapter Text

After the slap, the Asset slept well. Steve did not sleep at all. 

Bucky was different after Austria, but Steve hadn’t been the same either. The last time Bucky had seen Steve in person he’d weighed 90 lbs soaking wet and couldn’t climb the stairs without an asthma attack, now look at him. 6 '2, strong as an ox, firm as a wall, and now he was barking out orders to the rest of the commandos and Bucky was just standing there like a dope- he hadn’t been listening again. 

Luckily the orders weren’t anything important it seemed, they had just made it to a small clearing in the middle of the woods, halfway up a mountain that they’d spent the last three hours trekking up. Dum Dum was setting up somewhere to start a fire while Gabe looked for firewood, the others were setting up their tents. Bucky slunk off into the trees when no one was looking, not so far that he couldn’t hear them but far enough that he felt almost alone. In the opposite direction to where he saw Gabe head off to. 

The sun was setting and the snow crunched under his boots, it was only going to get colder as the night grew longer. He just wanted to be alone, just for a little while. A few minutes of peace. To just stand still in the dim light of the forest and feel the bitter chill on his face and to just pretend he was anywhere- fucking anywhere else. 

Bucky wanted to go home. To the shitty apartment he couldn’t afford, to Becca’s house to meet her new husband that she had married while Bucky was away, to the sweetshop round the corner from the church, he wanted to visit the cemetery that housed the graves of both his and Steve’s parents- he wanted to go home to Steve. But Steve was here now. 

He thought he had died. Opening his eyes after- after Zola- and seeing Steve standing there. Tall and healthy and strong enough to lift Bucky off the table. He thought he had died, and he kept thinking he was dead until he had woken up the next day and Steve had still been there. 

Bucky leaned his back against a tree and rested his rifle against his leg so he could dig through his pocket for his cigarettes. Lighting one and bringing it up to his lips for a desperate, long inhale. When he exhaled the smoke blended in with the heavy fog that was beginning to settle up here in the mountains. 

It was crazy to him that as big as Steve was now, he was still so light on his feet. He barely made a sound as he crept through the woods following Bucky’s footprints in the snow. Bucky knew he’d follow eventually, and lately… Bucky had noticed he was hearing things a lot clearer, and even hearing things that the others commandos couldn’t. Only Steve could pick up on them too, with his supersoldier ears. 

When Steve finally caught up to him Bucky instantly dropped the cigarette, crushing it beneath his boot on reflex, just in case the smoke would give Steve an asthma attack but.. 

“Hey” Steve greeted quietly, his tone was light, casual, but his face always gave him away. Especially his eyes. Concern was dripping off of him and it pissed Bucky off. 

“Hey” and Bucky dug another cigarette out because he wasted half of the first one needlessly

“Can I have one?” Steve reached for the pack and Bucky slapped his hand away quickly.

“Fuck no” 

“Come on Buck, it won’t kill me” Steve pouted “Not anymore”

“Absolutely fucking not. They finally stick you in a healthy body and you wanna fill it up with smoke?”

Steve was like a pure white dove, innocent and naive still in Bucky’s mind. Unpolluted, fresh and clean, a literal ray of golden sunlight. Just standing beside Bucky was getting him dirty, if Steve was white feathers, Bucky was black tar. He was corruption and filth. 

“You’ll catch your death out here” Steve said “Dugan’s getting the fire going, come warm up” 

“I will” he replied dismissively, but Steve didn’t consider himself dismissed at all. 

In fact, Steve leaned up against the tree trunk beside Bucky, their shoulders touching and Bucky had to shift to put a little distance between them. Steve noticed but didn’t say anything. 

“Go back and get warm, Steve,” the brunet sighed. 

“I will”

Bucky gritted his teeth and stared off into the dark forest. “Don’t start, Steve, I’m not in the mood. Go back, I’ll be back in a bit” 

Steve sighed sadly and nodded, but Bucky wasn’t even looking at him. “Alright, but don’t be long. I’m coming back out here if you're not back in fifteen”

“Yeah, okay” Bucky replied, voice flat. 

The blond left him to it, heading back the way he came until the voices started becoming louder. 

Dum Dum had gotten a fire going with Gabe’s help and Dernier had abandoned Morita in the tent building to insist he was doing the cooking. Steve smiled, at least this was nice. This felt somewhat normal, watching the guys setting up camp. Bickering like brothers. 

“How's the sarge?” Falsworth is beside him suddenly on the edge of the clearing, he’s already put his and Dum Dum’s tent up. 

Steve shrugged, not knowing what to say really. “Quiet”

“Hmm… Unlike him” Falsworth said as they both stood there watching the others go about their tasks. “He’s been acting a touch… odd. Though, I suppose maybe that was to be expected. I think we are all still dealing with Austria in our own separate ways, and his experience there was so different to ours”

Steve thinks of Bucky on that table, glassy eyed and mumbling off his serial number and rank. Skin pale and greyish, apart from the places he had bruises. Which was more places that he had pale and greyish skin, really. Strapped down, needle tracks in his arms. 

Blood had come out of Bucky’s ears for two full days after the rescue. But he would never say what happened. 

“He’ll be okay, I think” Steve replied to Falsworth after a long moment in thought “I hope” 

Falsworth glanced behind him at the forest and sighed “I hope so too, my friend. Here, let me help you get your tent together, Captain”

By the time Steve and Falsworth were finishing up with the tent Bucky had silently returned, coming up behind Dernier and stealing the spoon straight out of his hand so he could try a spoonful of the stew. 

“It’s not ready!”

“Oh really? Is that why it tastes of shit?”

Steve looked up from the finishing touches when he heard Dernier start spitting out insults in french, and while Steve was technically fluent in the language he still couldn’t keep up passed You son of a bitch-

Bucky slumped down in front of the fire laughing, he stuck out his tongue to Dernier and glanced back at Steve with a smile on his face that, if Steve didn’t know any better, would've been believed as genuine. 

They all gathered around the fire to eat, talking and laughing amongst themselves whilst also keeping the chatter low enough to keep an ear out on their surroundings. Bucky was silent as he ate, taking the time to keep staring off into the forest. Steve wondered what he was looking at, or looking for. Was he just paranoid that someone was going to sneak up on them? Or maybe Bucky wasn’t even looking at anything, because when he finally snapped out of it Morita calling his name asking if he wanted seconds, Bucky looked at them with glassy void eyes and said

“Huh?”

“You want more?” Jim repeated, head cocked to one side. 

Bucky shook his head “Nah, thanks”

Steve was looking at him weird, they were all looking at him weird. It made Bucky’s skin crawl. “I’m gonna go smoke” he mumbled to Steve as he stood up, grabbing his rifle. 

“Want company?” Steve offered, sounding hopeful. 

“Nah, eat those leftovers, you need to eat more”

The forest was dark but Bucky didn’t find that as bothersome as he had before. His vision, like his hearing, like his sense of smell, it was all clearer after Austria. Bucky remembered them doing something to his eyes, he remembers struggling- hard- and a needle so close to his eyeball and- they had shone bright lights in his eyes and then there was darkness. Hours of darkness and Bucky still wasn’t sure if he’d been blind or just in a completely dark room, because he knew his eyelids had been open, he’d left them open for so long they burned and tears had fallen, and he still couldn’t see anything. His sight had come back eventually, and Bucky had wished he had stayed blind. 

But now he could stare down the sight of his rifle unblinking for a hell of a long time before his eyes started burning, he didn’t need to blink as often. Walking around the forest in pitch darkness was no longer an impossible task, he just had to be careful.

Bucky strayed out a little further this time, until he couldn’t hear voices at all. Another tree to lean on, another cigarette to smoke. He knew he was completely alone out here apart from a few squirrels in the branches above him and a deer about 100ft to his left. It should make him less paranoid, hearing everything and seeing everything so much better, but it didn’t. 

He knew he was completely alone, and his breath hitched in his throat. Pressing his weight against the tree Bucky slid down until he was kneeling in the snow, dropping his cigarette in the process. It sizzled as it hit the snow, melting a little hole in the white powder. Bucky’s jaw ached from where he’d been unknowingly clenching it, his back and neck ached from how tense and sleep deprived he was. The trek up the mountain had felt like nothing, Bucky could probably trek another three hours right now and still not feel physically tired. But his brain was so exhausted. He didn’t want to think another thought, he didn’t even want to think about thinking. 

But he couldn’t stop. 

And all his thoughts were filled with those of Zola. Zola’s dumb little glasses, Zola’s stupid sleazy smirk, Zola’s scientists, Zola’s goons, Zola’s machines… 

Bucky leaned forward and threw up the stew he’d eaten, like he knew he eventually would. He throws up almost everything he eats now, the trick is trying to wait long enough to let at least some of it digest. The real kicker is how hungry he is all the time now. Always hungry and can never keep it down. Bucky wished Zola had just removed his stomach instead of whatever it was that they had been digging around for. 

Zola had called it a keyhole surgery. Less invasion, Sergeant Barnes. Means we won’t have to splay you open while we look inside you. 

What the fuck had they even been looking for? 

Bucky shakes and dry heaves, nothing left but his whole body contracts thinking there's still something deep within him that needs out. Maybe there is. Maybe Zola wasn’t going in to look for something, maybe he was going in to leave something behind. 

He pushes aside his coat, feeling the bitter cold seep in through his uniform. He digs his fingers between his top ribs hard enough to bruise, then does that all the way down, and then again on the other side. Bucky doesn’t feel any bumps but he lifts his shirt, places his freezing cold hands on his stomach making himself flinch. He digs again, pushing down as hard as he can, hard enough that he feels sick again. 

Nothing, he feels nothing. 

And sees nothing either, not even a scar. Bucky had assumed they’d be an incision scar but the wound had healed up perfectly, like the surgery never happened. 

Did it happen? 

Everyting was so blurry, so fucked up and confusing. 

Bucky wonders how long he’s been out here, knelt down in the freezing cold snow, when he hears footsteps crunching in the snow. It's quiet, coming from the direction of camp, it was Steve. He knew without even looking, it was Steve. 

“You’ll catch your death out here” was what Steve finally said when he approached and saw the state Bucky was in. 

Bucky didn’t have the energy to stand. His shirt was untucked and his coat still undone, his fingers were red from the cold. When Steve spoke Bucky finally remembered to blink. He could feel ice on his eyelashes, on his cheeks. Had he been crying?

Steve moved to kneel down beside him, both of them now getting wet from the snow. Steve’s a fucking idiot, Bucky thinks, he shouldn’t even be outside in this weather let alone wet when its freezing out. 

“Says you” he mumbled a reply. 

His fingers were numb, is that why he couldn’t feel the thing inside of him?

Steve’s giving him that fucking puppy dog eye, all sad and concerned. 

“I’m worried about you”

“Good. I want you to feel my stomach and tell me if you feel anything weird” Bucky suddenly responded, looking up at him with a strange, determined look. 

“What?”

Bucky lifted his shirt back up and grabbed Steve’s hand, it was warm, good. He wouldn’t have numb fingers, this could work. Steve never pulled away as Bucky forced his warm palm on his own cold skin, however the look of concern was growing stronger. 

“Bucky, what am I even feeling for?”

The blond’s hand was too light and gentle, just resting on the top of his skin, just warm contact. It was nice, Steve’s touch made his heart beat faster but his head quiet down. 

“I don’t know- something- anything that feels… Weird” and Bucky pressed Steve’s hand down firmer. 

Steve finally tore his gaze away from Bucky to look down at the smooth pale skin in front of him. Bucky was so pale and Steve could see his ribs. He could also see a lot of fresh red marks that he could only assume had been Bucky attempting to examine himself. 

If it calmed him down, if it helped, Steve would feel around for something… weird. 

He let his hands firmly press down against Bucky’s stomach, his skin was cold. Steve let his hands drift from the centre of his stomach outwards towards his ribs, pressing down firmly, sometimes Bucky would grab his wrist and force him to press down even harder- hard enough to make himself gasp and for Steve to feel uncomfortable.

When Steve was done he found himself with his hands resting on Bucky’s bare hips, the brunet breathing a little too fast, looking a little frantic. 

“Nothing feels weird, Bucky. I couldn’t feel anything” he reassured him. 

Bucky’s ice cold hands grabbed his, feeling Steve’s fingers. “Are your fingers numb yet?”

“No, not numb, and I’m sure I felt nothing weird. Wanna tell me what this is about, Buck?”

They were kneeling facing each other in the snow, Bucky dropped his shirt back down and Steve suddenly became aware that he was still holding onto Bucky’s hips. He let go and Bucky swayed a little now untethered so Steve slipped his arm around Bucky’s waist, pulling the brunet’s coat around him a little. 

“I- I thought maybe…”

Bucky had been crying. Steve could see the frozen tear tracks on his face.

“Zola cut me open, only a little- right here. But it never scarred” the smaller man suddenly blurted “He was looking… for something. I thought- I thought maybe he-”

Bucky goes even paler and Steve worries he might add to the pile of puke he noticed nearby, but he doesn’t. 

“I can’t feel anything weird, Bucky. I promise, and you had a proper medical when we got back, they would’ve told you-”

“I didn’t let them look at me,” Bucky admitted, ashamed. 

Steve sighed and pulled Bucky a little closer, so their knees were interlocking. He could feel the snow soaking into his trousers. Bucky went willingly, wrapping his arms around Steve’s shoulders so Steve could wrap his around Bucky’s waist. 

“It’s okay, that’s okay, Buck. When we get back, I can go with you, if you want? You don’t have to go alone, but for what it’s worth, I think you’re okay” Steve rubbed Bucky’s back as he felt the brunet resting his face in the crook of his neck, breathing fast and hot against Steve’s skin. 

“I’m not” Bucky whined quietly with his face still pressed against Steve’s neck, the blond could feel his lips moving against his skin. Steve squeezed him tighter. “I’m not okay, everything is different and my head won’t shut up. Everything is so loud, all the time, it’s so fucking loud even when no one is saying anything” 

One of Steve’s hands came up to thread through the hair at the base of Bucky’s neck. He was holding him close, but Bucky was basically in his lap and seemed to want to be inside his skin. Steve could feel him shaking apart, he wondered if that was the cold or just Bucky’s silent sobs. 

“You’re soaking wet, you’re going to freeze to death out here” 

“I can’t go back like this-” Bucky said, pulling back to look at Steve with those same frantic eyes. 

“Okay, but in a minute I gotta take you back” their wet clothes had started going stiff. Steve wiped at Bucky’s cheeks gently and the brunet closed his eyes, didn’t even flinch when Steve ran his thumbs over his eyelids gently to knock loose the frozen tears. 

Gently brushing over Bucky’s cheeks and jawline seemed to be helping to calm him anyways, they were so close that Bucky could time his breaths with Steve too. 

“Falsworth’s worried about you,” Steve said quietly. 

“Him too?” Bucky sighed as he opened his eyes to look at Steve, he looked so exhausted. “I asked Gabe for a length of wire and he said no, then asked what I wanted with it. Think he thought I was gonna go hang myself or something” 

Steve’s hands settled around Bucky’s waist again and he nervously asked “Is that actually something we need to worry about?”

Bucky was offended, smacking Steve in the chest “No! I can’t leave your dumbass out here in the fucking snow, can I?” 

Steve couldn’t help but laugh a little “If me being a dumbass keeps you around then I guess I’ll just have to keep being a dumbass” 

Bucky scowled at him but Steve could see a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. 

“Com’on, let’s go” Steve stood up from the snow and offered a hand down to the smaller man, helping him stand. 

Bucky stumbled a little, legs just as frozen as his fingers, but Steve caught on to his arm and helped him stand upright. The brunet pulled his blue coat tight around him and dusted the snow off his legs, wiping at his face one more time before he reached back for his gun that he had left propped against the tree. 

He followed beside Steve silently as they headed back to camp, the light of the fire and sound of familiar voices drawer nearer and nearer. Bucky kept his head low as he mumbled to Steve “I’m goin’ to bed”

“Alright, I won’t be long” 

Bucky ducked into their tent quickly without a look to the others, who were pretending they didn’t see anything. Steve sighed and sat down with the others, thinking it best to at least dry his clothes off before he went to sleep as well. 

Falsworth raised a curious eyebrow at him and Steve could only silently shrug in response. Morita and Gabe were playing cards again and it looked like Gabe was losing hard, already losing his coffee rations. Dum Dum came around to hand Steve a cup of powdery hot chocolate, one of the only sweet things they had left from their rations. 

“There’s enough in the pot for Barnes” Dugan told him as he sat down heavily beside his captain. 

“I’ll take it in for him, if he’s still awake” 

Bucky would still be awake. They shared a tent and since the serum Steve didn’t need as much sleep, he could comfortably run on three or four hours, but whenever he woke up in the morning Bucky was already up, having relieved whoever was on the last watch. And at night when Steve struggled to sleep, he could hear Bucky’s breathing, too fast to be asleep. 

Dum Dum nodded slowly and looked over his shoulder at Steve’s tent. “Is he doing alright?” he asked under his breath. 

Steve shrugged, once again unsure what to say. “Homesick, maybe” he said lamely. 

Dugan obviously didn't believe him, it was a terrible lie, but he didn’t press either. Steve stayed out by the fire until his clothes had completely dried and he had drunk his shitty powdered hot chocolate. Morita gave him the last in the pot for Bucky and he said his goodnites, telling them to wake him for his watch, and entered his tent. 

Steve was meant to have this tent alone, as the Captain, but it made him uncomfortable to be the only one with a big tent. Luckily he hadn’t had to say anything though, Bucky had just started sleeping in there with him without a word about it. 

Bucky had left the lamp burning low so Steve could see and the brunet was curled up in the blankets, Steve placed the hot chocolate on Bucky’s side of the sleeping bags. But not too close that he’d knock it over. He unlaced his boots and threw his coat at the bottom of the sleeping arrangements on top of Bucky’s blue one. Steve turned out the light, climbed into his sleeping bag and got under the blanket, shifting closer to Bucky who was shaking too hard to be asleep. 

“Com’ ere, do you want hot chocolate?” Steve asked quietly and Bucky shook his head and inched closer until their chests were touching, sharing body heat under the blankets. 

The smaller man clutched at the front of Steve’s shirt with freezing cold hands, Steve could feel the ice cold skin through the thin material. 

“Are your clothes still wet?” Steve asked

“Dunno, numb” 

Steve fumbled under the blankets until he had a hand on Bucky’s waist, he managed to roll him on his back a little, much to Bucky’s dislikement, and ran his fingers over his chest before finding his hip and running his hand down his legs, feeling how wet his uniform still was. 

 “Pants off, Barnes”

“No date? Jesus” 

“Do I have to undress you?”

Bucky had his head back, resting on a rolled up shirt placed like a pillow, his eyes were closed but he was smirking in the darkness. “Why, you offering?”

“I’m trying to stop you from freezing to death in your sleep, moron” Steve sighed exasperated. 

Bucky groaned “You’re no fun” but Steve saw him start to fumble at his belt, wriggling his pants down over his hips and down his legs. “Happy?”

“Yeah” Steve finally relaxed back down and pulled Bucky back in by his waist.

It was surprisingly easy to do that now, just pull Bucky in closer like he weighed nothing. Steve wondered if that’s what it used to be like for Bucky back when they were in Brooklyn. 

Bucky rolled onto his front and threw an arm over Steve’s hips, something he hadn’t done since they were teens, but Steve didn’t even dare hold his breath in case the change in breathing made Bucky move. Steve laid still, letting the day replay in his head as he tried to drift off to sleep. 

He kept coming back to worrying about Bucky though. Especially when even after an hour his breathing never evened out. Bucky had to be exhausted, they had done a pretty hard trek all uphill today and Steve knew the cold was draining them of their energy as well.

Steve shifted positions a little so he was on his side facing Bucky and he felt the brunet’s fingers tighten around the hem of his shirt. 

“You gotta sleep, Buck” Steve whispered “Do you want me to ask Dernier for the first aid box-”

“No,” Bucky said quickly, icy blue eyes snapping open. “I don’t want that shit”

“Okay… You gotta sleep though, Buck, you can’t keep running off fumes”

“I’m fine” Bucky lied poorly. 

“Uh huh” Steve hummed unimpressed by the lie “Are you still cold?” 

“Only a little” 

“Then come closer” 

Steve’s hand was back on Bucky’s waist, tugging him and Bucky rearranged so his forehead was resting on Steve’s collarbone and they were hip to hip, side to side, Bucky maybe more on top of him than not. 

“You can talk to me, ya know” Steve slung his arm over Bucky’s stomach and let his other hand get tangled in the longer hair at the back of Bucky’s head. 

“I know… I just don’t know where to start. I can’t… remember which bits were real” the shaking comes back a little. 

“You said your head was too loud” 

Steve felt Bucky nod against his collarbone. 

“Are you hearing things? Or just having a lot of thoughts?” he tried to keep the worry out of his voice.

“I can’t tell” Bucky admitted in such a small voice Steve didn’t think he would’ve been able to hear him without the serum. 

“We’ll figure it out together.” Steve reassured him. 

They had a couple hours Steve guessed until it was their turn to take watch and they both really needed to sleep, but he didn’t really know what to do if Bucky wasn’t willing to take the sleeping pills in the first aid box. 

Bucky didn’t shake as badly while Steve held him together, so he used one arm to hold him close and used the other to rub small circles at the base of his neck and between his shoulders. As he rubbed the brunet’s back Steve felt Bucky fully relax finally, going boneless against Steve’s side. The brunet started to hum like a purring cat, until Steve worked out a knot of nerves between Bucky’s shoulder blades and Steve felt Bucky groan into his chest. 

Steve’s dick twitched at the groan but he quickly thought of other things, kept rubbing at Bucky’s back and thought about all the times Bucky had massaged his back to help with his scoliosis back in Brooklyn, trying to remember his technique and using it against him. 

The brunet in his hands stayed limp, making quiet noises of appreciation for a long time, but neither of them fell asleep before Steve heard Dernier come to get them for their turn on watch. Steve considered telling Bucky to stay, ordering him to try and get some rest. That would piss him off so bad. 

Bucky must've heard Dernier approaching too because he stretched out a little under Steve’s hands and groaned again, this time unhappier. He reached down into the sleeping bag grabbing his tac pants and wriggled into them, doing his belt back up while Steve begrudgingly got out of the warmth to put his boots and coat back on. 

“Captain, you up?” Steve heard Dernier say when he finally reached the entrance of the tent. 

“Out in a sec” Steve let him know quietly as he waited for his watch partner to get his coat done up. 

Bucky at least seemed to be a little more rested, even if he hadn’t slept. Steve remembered a doctor once telling his Ma that even if Steve couldn’t sleep, the next best thing was pretending to be, it at the very least let the brain rest. 

They relieved Dernier and Falsworth from their posts and watched as the two headed off to their respective tents tiredly. The wind this high up was biting and the snow had only continued to fall during the night. Bucky had brought his undrunk hot chocolate with him, setting it near the low fire to reheat it. 

It was quiet apart from the crackle of the fire and the slight snores from Gabe and Dugan’s tents. Steve did a quick lap of the camp while Bucky heated up his drink, finding nothing unusual he returned to Bucky’s side to see him staring far off into the forest. 

His eyes were focused on something Steve couldn’t see, out there in the dark in the trees. 

“See anythin’?”

Bucky snapped out of it, eyes shooting from the trees upwards to where Steve was standing beside him.  “No.” he dismissed. 

“Buck,” he knew he shouldn’t say anything, it was only going to upset the brunet. Bucky didn’t like to be babied. “I can get Falsworth out here again-”

“Don’t be an ass” Bucky scowled “You’ll end up gettin’ me sent home, and for what? Lookin’ at a bird?” 

There definitely wasn’t a bird, or at least not one Steve could see. Maybe even without the serum Bucky’s eyes were better than his. “You wouldn’t get sent home” Steve sighed and when Bucky continued to glare from his spot crouched in front of the fire, Steve reluctantly backed off “Fine, but I need you to focus”

Bucky scoffed, indignant. “I’m the one lookin’ at the trees, pal. You’re the one lookin’ at me”

Steve blushed a little, embarrassed, thankful it was so dark out here maybe Bucky wouldn’t notice the pink that crept into his cheeks. “Come on”

The brunet grabbed the hot chocolate with his gloved hand and swung his gun over his shoulder with the other before standing. 

It was only a couple of hours, and at first they didn’t even say much to one another. Bucky drank his terrible hot chocolate in silence and ignored the worried glances Steve kept sending his way, it was annoying and distracting. How was he supposed to focus like Steve asked, if Steve kept looking at him like a little lost puppy every fifteen minutes. 

“I’m gonna do a lap” he told Steve once they’d been crouched in position at the edge of the clearing for a while. 

Steve seemed to get bored on watch, staying in one place and just silently looking, waiting. Steve liked to move around, Bucky normally offered for the blond to do the perimeter checks but tonight… He just needed to walk. Being antsy wasn’t really Bucky’s style, he didn’t like it one bit either. Back in Brooklyn he was always known for going out and drinking and dancing, but Steve knew better than anyone that really all Bucky truly loved doing was lounging around doing nothing. Bucky had looked forward to Sundays every week, once church was out of the way, it was a whole day of doing nothing with Steve. 

It was after midnight, today was technically a Sunday. Wasn’t it?

Bucky knew better than to take too long on the perimeter check but he made the most of it while he was out in the woods alone. He did stay focussed, or so he thought. An owl startled him and Bucky didn’t know how long he’d been standing against a tree looking down the barrel of his sight, looking in the direction of the camp.  

It unsettled him enough that he doubled his pace back to Steve, who was doing a smaller lap of the camp when Bucky came back. Bucky saw him give a small sigh of relief when Steve caught sight of him. 

“Didn’t see anythin’” he told his captain when they met back up at the fire. Steve must’ve thrown one last log on to keep it burning. 

“Good” the blond nodded towards a dry tarp in front of the fire “Sit and eat those”

There were two protein bars on the tarp and a canteen of water. Bucky knew he was scowling again but couldn’t help it. When he didn’t move Steve looked away from the edge of the clearing with a frown. 

“Is it snack and nap time, is it?” Bucky grumbled lowly, annoyed. 

“Jesus, Buck” Steve sighed and rubbed at his own tired eyes. 

Bucky had kept him up, he knew. Steve could’ve gotten a couple hours of sleep if he hadn’t been so concerned over him. That fucking idiot. 

“If you feel tired, I can get Falsworth back out here” Bucky mocked.

Steve didn’t give a verbal reply to that one, just a cutting glare. 

“You don’t have to sit me down for snack time and rock me to sleep, Rogers. I’m not a fuckin’ baby”  Bucky spat out at his Captain, at Steve. “I can look after myself”

“Oh, can you now?” 

They were keeping their voices low, barely above a whisper, not wanting to disturb anyone else or let them overhear this dumb stupid conversation. The last thing Bucky wanted was the other Howlie’s thinking he was incapable of even feeding himself, they all had started looking at him weird… it had started the first time Zola had dragged him off, the looks of pity, of worry. Bucky had appreciated it at the time, all of them thinking he was being dragged off to his death. But he didn’t die and the looks didn’t stop, they never stopped and it was driving him fuckin’ crazy and the last thing he needed was Steve looking at him like that-

“Fuck you” 

Bucky shoved by Steve, heading out for a second perimeter check before his fingers had even warmed up from the last one. 

Steve just sighed again and crouched down to poke at the fire, keeping it going for the next watch. 

They would argue sometimes back in Brooklyn too, usually it was Steve’s fault though. In Steve’s eyes Bucky could do no wrong. Bucky was the main breadwinner, Bucky could cook, Bucky even dusted because Steve couldn’t hack it with his asthma, Bucky took care of him when he was sick. Becca had gone on one date with some sleazebag from New Jersey and when she told him no to a second, that asshole had harassed her for days until she told her older brother. Bucky made sure he went back to Jersey with a broken hand. And when Mr Harriet, their elderly upstairs neighbour, fell down the stairs and twisted his ankle, Bucky did all his grocery shopping and errands for him for almost two whole weeks- unpaid, because he refused any payment. 

Steve could think of a hundred examples of Bucky being good and decent, polite and funny, nice. The Bucky Steve had seen in the last couple of weeks had been too high strung to make jokes, but occasionally on a good night when his eyes were clear and he’d had a couple drinks Bucky would throw in a good one liner and it was almost like they were back at home in a dance hall or a bar. Bucky still held doors open for the girls whenever they had a rare encounter with a lady but he didn’t follow behind with a charming smile and an introduction anymore. 

As for politeness and niceness? Steve couldn’t fault him for losing his manners at war, but telling Steve to fuck off when all he wanted him to do is get some food in him?

Every Sunday back home Bucky would complain that he ruined his one day off by drinking too much the night before, so Steve had told him one Saturday night “If you complain about a hangover tomorrow I’m not going to give you any peace. If you want a nice day off tomorrow maybe you should stay in tonight”

“You aren’t the boss of me, Rogers, I’ll do as I damn well please”

Well look at that, Steve was the boss of Bucky now. 

When the moody brunet finally returned from his second perimeter check he came slinking over to the fire to warm up a little, avoiding the tarp with the protein bars on them. Steve had had enough. 

“This is the last time I will tell you nicely, Barnes” Steve sent a firm look across the fire at him “Sit down and eat”

Bucky’s upper lip pulled up in a snarl, actually baring his teeth at Steve before he opened his mouth to spit something vile at him- but Steve cut him off. 

“Sit and eat now. Or I’ll make you sit there and forced it down your throat while the others do your fucking watch for you” Steve threw Bucky’s vile language back at him, catching the brunet off guard. 

Bucky’s eyes widened and the snarl fell away, his face went even paler if that was even possible and his eyes darted from Steve to the woods behind him like he was thinking of running. 

“Bucky” Steve said to bring his eyes to him and only him “That’s an order from your Captain” 

Standing there with snow in his hair, his blue coat wrapped around him tightly, rifle over his back, Steve didn’t want to be treating Bucky like he was a miserable teen- but he was acting like one. 

“You won’t- you wouldn’t-” 

Bucky suddenly didn’t look angry anymore, less like a moody teen and more of a scared little kid. His eyes were still wide and his mouth opened and closed a couple times as he tried to get his words out. Steve watched as he gulped, shook his head a little and tried again

“Steve, you don’t mean that” Bucky shook his head again slightly, as if he was a dog with water in his ear and Steve frowned at the tic. 

“You don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you don’t follow orders-”

“But you wouldn’t- you wouldn’t actually force me to-”

They weren’t being quiet anymore. Steve could hear a couple of the guys moving around quietly, waking up in their tents to the sounds of arguing voices. Steve rounded the fire so they didn’t have to talk over it but as he came closer to the brunet Bucky took a couple of hurried paces back, keeping the distance between them. 

“Bucky…” Steve sighed, too tired for all this. “No, I wouldn’t be able to actually force you to eat, I don’t think, but you have to ” 

Bucky didn’t look convinced and when Steve reached out for Bucky’s hand and the other man frantically snatch away from him- fuck, ah fuck it- Steve finally realised what he had done wrong. What he had said. Bucky never spoke about Austria, didn’t reply to any of Steve’s questions about what they did to him. He’d thought for a brief moment Bucky just didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of the others. 

“I wouldn’t, Bucky. I was just saying that, I didn’t mean it. I would never really do that” Steve rushed out to say, keeping his hands extended for Bucky “I’m sorry, Buck, I should never have said-”

“M-maybe you should wake Falsworth. I’m going to bed” 

Bucky stepped back from again, eyes not quite as wide as before but now Steve could see them unfocusing a little, going like glass before Bucky ducked his head and headed into their tent. 

“Fuck” Steve hissed between his teeth. 

The next few days of trekking were Hell. Bucky kept up the rearguard purely so he could avoid Steve and every time they were near each other the sergeant was stiff and wouldn’t make eye contact. It was made doubly worse by the awkwardness of it all, because it was so obvious they were arguing, everyone was giving them both strange looks and avoiding the elephant in the room.

Steve didn’t even want to be arguing! If this even was an argument anymore? Bucky looked miserable. Silent apart from when spoken to, he was keeping himself apart from the others too. When they gathered around the fire in the evenings to eat, Bucky sat near no one picking at his food slowly, giving Steve the odd sideways glance. 

The others were becoming concerned, one by one they pulled their Captain aside to ask what the hell was going on with Barnes. What was Steve supposed to say? He’s fine? Bucky so clearly wasn’t fine, but he was functioning. 

Night time was the worst because Bucky still slept beside him in his tent, but kept the distance between them still. They’d been sharing beds together since they were kids and it had never mattered to them if they were touching, a lot of the time the beds had been so small that they didn’t have a choice. Unless one of them slept on the floor, but that never seemed right. They had always shared a bed, and there was normally at least some part of Bucky touching Steve, and some part of Steve touching Bucky. 

At some point Bucky had gotten the sleeping pills from Dernier, Steve had seen him taking them one night before bed but didn’t dare say anything about them. Especially when Bucky quickly shoved them in his pack out of sight. It meant they had to change Bucky’s watch shift to the last watch, which put them on different schedules. 

Maybe that was for the best. They needed a break from each other, maybe it was for the best. 

Steve hated it. 

The only time Bucky was close to him was in those few hours when he was knocked out asleep beside Steve. In his sleep Bucky scooted back over to his natural position, curled around Steve, seeking his warmth. Steve could finally fall asleep then, with his arm slung over Bucky’s waist. However in the mornings he woke up alone again. 

It was Hell. 

Then it got worse. 

When they had finally got over the goddamn mountain and ended up at the mission, things had gone so smoothly that Steve had felt a real sense of pride in his team. They were perfect together, their communication was excellent, everyone was where they needed to be when they needed to be and everyone followed orders to the letter- even Bucky. 

It had been a small farming village before HYDRA had taken over, enslaving the townspeople. This mountain was more special than it looked, as they had been hiking right over the top of it. Bucky had crouched down in the snow, pulling a bright blue flower from between the rocks. He’d inspected it for a few moments before throwing it over the side of the mountain “Poisonous” he had warned them. Dernier had dropped the one he’d been holding, but the small ungloved contact still made him puke an hour later. 

Apparently HYDRA was also interested in the rubies buried under the mountain, they’d had the women and children farming the flowers, the men in the hastily constructed mines. 

They had worn their gas masks and kept buttoned up as they swept through the town and cleared out HYDRA. Gabe managed to fumble through a conversation with a native, who recommended burying the flowers in the mines before closing them off, instead of burning them and releasing god knows what into the air. So many people here had suffered, and would continue to suffer for god knows how long from the effects of being around those flowers, from the dust in the mines. How many mines had collapsed before they got here? How many children got poisoned picking those bright blue flowers. 

It turned bad again when Bucky disappeared into the hut to see which HYDRA agents they’d taken alive for questioning, which ones hadn’t bitten down on the cyanide pill. 

There were two who didn’t die fighting, Gabe and Dugan had tied them up to each other in a hut near the edge of the small village, they took turns keeping watch outside. 

Steve didn’t think much of it as he watched Bucky mutter something to Morita outside the door before he slipped into the hut. 

They wouldn’t have long here in the village before they’d need to move on, find other people to help, but they could do as much as they could to bring this place back to normal before they’d have to leave again. The more Gabe talked to the natives the more he understood the language, Steve found out how to say hello and thank you which would serve him well over the next few hours he bet. Dugan was running back and forth to the local river with some of the other men from the village, bringing back as much water as they could to rinse the blue dye from peoples fingers and palms. Dernier and Falsworth were doing as much first aid as possible. 

It would be Steve and Bucky on real clean up duty soon, lugging bodies and figuring out if it was better to bury them all or burn them. There was a fair few, but he’d ask the locals-

A gunshot went off nearby- the hut, the one Bucky had just gone into only a couple minutes ago. Morita slammed open the door as Steve came full sprint to see what the hell was happening and-

One HYDRA agent was wriggling around desperately, crying hard and trying to plead for his life under the gag. Piss all over himself. Still tied to the other HYDRA agent, who had been alive the last time Steve saw him, but now had a clean bullet wound through the side of his temple. His brains covering the hut floor, his body slumped. 

“Bucky! What the fuck did you do?” Steve yelled.

Jim tried to follow in behind him but Steve slammed a hand back and shoved him back outside, not wanting anyone to see what Bucky looked like right now. 

Eyes made of glass, staring straight ahead of him at the dead HYDRA agent. His hands unshaking and he dislodged the bullet casing in his rifle, it hit the floor with a rattle, and he reloaded. 

“Bucky!” Steve yelled again and the brunet shook his head again. That same weird little tic. 

When he stared at Steve his eyes still weren’t right, they weren't glassy anymore but still void of any emotion. Then he spoke, but not to Steve, and not in a language Steve could speak. 

It wasn’t German, it wasn’t even french. Steve recognised it as a language Bucky had never mentioned ever being able to speak, it was Russian.

“Тебе повезло, что я не узнаю твоего лица”

 And the HYDRA agent's eyes widened in fear as Bucky strode straight past him and straight up to Steve who was blocking the door. 

“You are not just walking away from this” Steve said incredulously “There’s no fucking way you can just walk away without explaining yourself”  

Bucky glanced back at the dead HYDRA agent and the other that fell still and silent at Bucky’s gaze. “Does it matter?” his voice was cold, like his eyes. 

“Does it matter?” 

Steve was losing him, wasn’t he? Bucky was slipping away in front of his eyes, becoming a ghost of the kid from Brooklyn. 

“Does it matter?” Bucky repeated again. 

Steve shoved Bucky backwards causing him to stumble and drop his gun, the blond kicked it at the same time as he slammed the door closed behind him. Locking it while Bucky steadied himself on his feet. 

Bucky glanced at the gun, then back to Steve, but made no motion to retrieve it. He’d have to cross in front of Steve to get to it and he didn’t want to come any closer. The HYDRA agent that was still tied up desperately tried to back away from all the sudden violence, but couldn’t get far with his partner's dead weight attached to him. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Barnes?” Steve hissed out “What the fuck do you think youre doing?” 

“Is this not what we were hired to fucking do, Rogers?” Bucky kept answering questions with questions, riling Steve up even more. “We kill pieces of shit like this so they don’t keep cropping back up like poisonous weeds” 

“We don’t murder them in cold blood, Bucky! We don’t tie them up and execute them, we aren’t the fuckin’ Nazi’s!” 

“They’d do worse to us” Bucky replied with such absolutely surety it made Steve’s blood run cold. “Look what they were doing here, Steve, how many kids died picking those shitty flowers so they could send ‘em back for Zola’s stupid little experiments?” 

The smaller man was seething, fists balled up at his sides- he was baring his teeth again like he wanted to tear out the other agent's throat. 

“We don’t know if they were sending them to Zola yet, we don’t know what they wanted them for” Steve sighed. 

“I know” Bucky, again, so certain. Then he lashed out and kicked the agent in the ribs “He knows”

Steve eyed the agent again, whose face was red and puffy and he was sitting in a puddle of his own urine, hunched over trying to protect his ribs from Bucky's boots. Steve reached over and yanked the gag from his mouth. 

“Were the flowers for Zola?” First Steve said it in English and when all the man did was scream and cry, Steve repeated it in German too. 

“Da!”

“You knew the flowers were poisonous days ago” Steve suddenly started piecing it all together. “You knew what HYDRA was looking for here before I did” 

He shoved the gag back into the HYDRA agent's mouth and turned back to Bucky, who had stepped even further away from Steve, back into the shadows of the corner of the hut. 

“You recognised the flowers” Steve’s voice dropped a little, his chest feeling tight. “You recognised this man” he gestured to the man Bucky had put a bullet in. “But not this one” 

Bucky was hanging his head, avoiding his gaze. But even in the shadows Steve saw his shakily nod. 

“Okay. Okay, Buck. Go wash up, go take a walk or something. Cool off, but don’t disappear, okay?” 

Steve couldn’t help but keep the defeated tone in his voice. This was-.. God it had been going well. They still had one survivor however, and this one seemed willing to talk as long as it kept Sergeant Barnes away. 

Bucky didn’t protest the order, for the first time in days. Silently he moved and when Steve saw him reach for his gun the blond stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Leave it, I’ll clean it and bring it back to you” 

Bucky’s breath hitched and stopped for a couple seconds as he thought about being gunless and Steve saw him glance at the dead HYDRA agent. 

“You’ll be okay without it for a little while, I promise. We’ve cleared the area. Go clean up, Buck” 

Bucky nodded again, not even looking in Steve’s direction as he left the hut. 

Morita gives Steve a polite respectful couple of minutes to pull himself together before he comes into the hut cautiously. 

“Cap?”

“Hey, we’re good. Sort of” 

Steve had his back to the door but he sighed in appreciation when Jim’s hand came to rest on his shoulder. “What happened?”

“These guys were sending the flowers back to Zola, for his experiments. Bucky recognised it, and recognised him” he motioned in the direction of the dead man. 

“Worse things have happened at war, Steve.”

Jim spotted Bucky’s gun on the floor, splattered in blood just like the Sergeant had been when he had quickly slunk out of the hut. He went over and picked it up, taking out a hanky to start wiping it down before the blood had a chance to dry. 

“I know, look what these guys were doing here. But we aren’t like them” 

“We aren’t, Cap. And Bucky’s nothing like them either, he’s just…” 

“Yeah” Steve said lamely, neither of them really having the words. 

Morita took on the burden of explaining this to the other Howlies, thank God. Steve untied the living HYDRA agent from the dead one, then retied him to the pole in the middle of the hut. They put the one Bucky shot with all the other dead HYDRA agents, there must’ve been nearly twenty-five here. It shouldn’t really matter if it was just one more dead HYDRA scumbag, but… 

The natives had given them a couple huts they could stay in for a few nights, and that’s where Steve found Bucky again.

Knees curled up to his chest, his coat laid out on the floor beside a bowl of water and pinkish rag. It was still cold and snowing outside and Bucky looked freezing huddled there without his coat. 

Each hut had a small fire pit with a chimney leading outside so Steve decided to get a small fire going to warm the room up. There was a small bundle of twigs for kindling and then bigger cut up branches for logs. “Come over here” Steve called once the fire was going. 

Bucky crawled over on his hands and knees instead of standing. The room wasn’t big but he still didn’t bother to even get to his feet. The brunet stopped a little ways from Steve, like he didn’t dare come closer. Until Steve reached out an arm, leaned over and grabbed him by the sleeve of his uniform. 

“Come here, Buck,” he repeated more firmly. 

Steve tugged him closer until they were both kneeling in front of the fire side by side, their shoulder’s touching. They were silent, Steve waiting for Bucky to relax a little, uncurl enough to look less scared of him. 

“I fucked up, didn’t I?” Bucky sighed heavily after a few moments. 

“That wasn’t your finest moment, I’ll be honest” Steve sighed too, letting his shoulders deflate a little.

“Do you hate me, Steve?” 

Steve snapped his head around to look at Bucky, who’s sad grey eyes were staring into the flames, his hands curled up in his lap. Bucky looked dejected, done, exhausted. 

“Of course not” Steve told him with as much feeling as he could “Of course I don’t hate you, Bucky, I could never hate you”

“You came all that way-” Bucky’s voice caught in his throat “You coulda gotten yaself killed in Austria-” 

“I would do it all again” Steve firmly declared, and he would. “I’d do it a thousand times” 

“I don’t want you to die out here, Stevie-” 

Bucky broke down into sobs suddenly, hunching over into himself and Steve immediately grabbed onto him, yanking him closer so Bucky was almost sitting in his lap.

“I’m not. I’m not dying out here, Buck, okay? I have the Howlies to watch my back, I have the super serum healing gunshot wounds, I’m gonna be fine. It’s you I’m worried about, Bucky” 

Steve slid his arms around Bucky’s shoulder, pulling him in tight and Bucky’s face found the crook of Steve’s neck like they were puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. Bucky still felt a little cold but Steve could feel him slowly starting to warm, the serum made Steve run hotter, like a furnace, so that would help too. 

“It’s worse if they don’t kill you” the brunet mumbled sadly into Steve’s neck “I wish they had killed me” 

“Bucky…” Steve whined. He was crying too he realised. 

Bucky’s chest was heaving as he sobbed, shoulders shaking and his breath rattling in his lungs. 

“All the others died, why not me?” Bucky blurted out between shaky sobs, his hands were gripping onto Steve’s uniform so tightly he was worried he’d rip it. “Why did I have to live?” 

Steve did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed Bucky by the hips and pulled him up so he was sitting straddling Steve’s thighs, sat in his lap so Steve could wrap one arm around his hips and wipe the tears away with the other. 

“I’m so fuckin’ glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re alive, Bucky. I don’t know what I’d do without you, I don’t want you to die” Steve rambled a little.

Bucky whined and sobbed, letting the tears come out freely, splashing on his hands that were left limp in his lap. 

“I-I fucked up- I fucked up- They’ll send me home-” Bucky hiccuped. 

“You aren’t getting sent home yet Bucky. We’re gonna… we’re gonna sit tight for a couple days. We’re gonna help these people, then we’re gonna move on to the extraction point. Then we get to go back to base, okay? We’ll go back to base and we can figure shit out there, but for right now? We’re gonna sit tight” Steve explained as he quickly rubbed at his own wet eyes. 

It took some time, maybe nearly a full hour, for Barnes to finally calm. Bucky stayed sitting in Steve’s lap for longer than that though, even once the tears had stopped and his cheeks had dried, he slumped against Steve’s chest and… fell dead asleep.

Bucky spent most of the next 48 hours catching up on missed sleep, and when he left the hut he did so without his gun and under the careful eye of the Howlies. 

The children of the village loved him and that seemed to help lift Bucky’s spirits considerably. Gabe explained that the kids thought Bucky was too pale so they kept bringing him dried fruits and nuts to snack on and Bucky responded in kind by stealing the last of Dugan’s hot chocolate stash and making it for the kids. There wasn’t much to go around but Bucky had made it work and the kids had been delighted. 

Bucky spent his hours keeping the kids entertained and whenever he attempted to help the Howlies they told him they didn’t wanna swap with him to do babysitting duties, so that was fine by him. They probably just didn’t want him around, and that was fine too. Bucky wouldn’t want a nutcase working on his team either.

The kids liked piggyback rides and painting with pretty coloured pastes, they made him and the other Howlies flower crowns- with no blue ones- and brought the soldiers water when they were working hard. Though Bucky never did learn what any of them were talking about. 

Eventually though, it was time to leave. 

They’d laid the HYDRA corpses in the mines along with all the flowers that they’d been careful not to get exposed to. And they had helped the natives with their burial rites for their lost loved ones. 

Now it was time to leave and Steve could see Bucky hesitating. 

Looking back now, maybe it would have been better if they’d stayed in that village. Never left, never moved on. 

Two months later they were boarding a train, and Steve wouldn’t see Bucky again in this lifetime. 

Chapter Text

Steve was reading through reports on his Starkpad when the Asset finally came out of its room, maybe the first time Steve had ever woken up before it since it had been brought here.

It had a weird dream last night, about people he shouldn’t know but does. It, It saw them in the museum lined up next to Steve on the wall titled Howling Commandos. It had seen its own face on that wall too, though different enough that the Asset had managed to convince itself that it had been someone else. It couldn’t be up there, his face shouldn’t be next to Steve’s and the others.

Steve’s watching him cautiously under his lashes, they were both gaging the others moods and both of them came up blank. Steve had been pissed last night and it had taken a couple of hours for him to stop scowling. Steve had sworn at Natalia, told her she had no right to hit Bucky. The argument had gotten so heated that Natalia had left, slamming the door behind her. Steve had the Asset kneel down in front of him while he inspected the red welt, whispering unneeded apologies when his cool fingers made contact with the hot skin.

Natalia had a good swing on her. That was good.

Steve hadn’t liked it much when the Asset apologised back, saying sorry for pushing this all to happen. It was the Asset’s fault any of this happened. It was always the Asset’s fault.

“Hey, it’s not your fault, Buck. You were asking me for something, and I wasn’t listening”

The Asset was still standing in the bedroom doorway, hovering. It shook its head to clear away the thoughts of yesterday. The dream still lingered, it wanted to ask Steve about it. Steve was waiting patiently, pretending to work but the Soldat knew he wasn’t. When it approached Steve put down the Starkpad, turning his full attention to the Asset.

“Good morning” Steve greeted, still cautious. “Did you sleep okay?”

Steve knew it didn’t, they had super soldier hearing, Steve could probably hear every mistimed breath from the Asset’s room.

It shook its head, licking his- its lips to speak and then realising it didn’t know how to begin. Steve was still patient.

“I had a dream,” it said, watching Steve’s every movement, his micro expressions. “I don’t know… It felt real”

“Do you wanna tell me about it? If I know if it’s real I’ll tell you”

The blond had a pleading look in his eyes like he’d been waiting every day for this. He pointed to the stool across the bar from himself and the Asset sat down.

“I don’t know what year… it was the war, the first one. Well- no, the second, but the first one for me?” it frowned, confusing itself even more. “We were both there, you were my handler”

Steve was very still, his hands tightly wrapped around his coffee mug, listening aptly.

“There was a mountain with blue flowers and a town but… I don’t remember it’s name”

The blond was nodding and the Asset was pleased to see some recognition in his eyes. Dreams always fade so fast, like trying to catch fog. The Asset closed its eyes, thinking hard. It hadn’t written this one down, it had just come straight out to ask Steve about it. Maybe it should have written it down.

“I killed a man there, I upset you, you-... did not punish me there either” it remembered how Steve held him in front of the small fireplace and comforted him-no, it, as it cried. Weak, pathetic. It did not remember a punishment, but it could still remember the horrified look on Steve’s face as he came into the hut and saw all the blood.

“I took your weapon away for three days afterwards, but you’re right, there was no real punishment. I took the gun more because I was worried you’d kill yourself” Steve replied quietly, his eyes getting a little misty as he thought back all those years.

“You asked me that” the Asset said “On the mountain, someone else was worried I would do that too. Is that- is that where the original rule came in? To not self-destruct?”

Steve didn’t like decommission talk but he started it.

“No, Buck. I wasn’t really even your handler then, I was your Captain, which I guess is similar… But it’s not like I was ever really in charge of you. You showed me that time and time again” the blond gave out a weak laugh.

“I was disobedient then” The Asset nodded, thinking back to the dream. “You do not eat, you do not sleep, you do not follow orders-”

Steve was smiling sadly and nodding quickly “Yeah, yeah I did say that to you” he laughed again “See? I’ve never been real good at being in charge of you, when we were kids you were the boss of me”

“I can be obedient now,” h-It said.

In the dream- memory- Steve had been mad at it. Had even shoved it back off balance, had yelled and took away its weapon. In the dream, it realised, it did not have the arm. So taking the gun was probably a good punishment after all.

“You are very well behaved and obedient now” Steve agreed sadly, like he didn’t like it.

Steve had wrapped his arms around the Asset in the memory, had pulled it on his lap and hugged it. What if… did Steve prefer him disobedient? That couldn’t be right, right? But he had rewarded the Asset?

“You don’t like me being obedient?” it frowned, meeting Steve’s baby blue eyes that were a little wet around the corners. “You rewarded the Asset?”

Steve fumbled for words “It’s not that I don’t like it- it’s just- I guess it’s… different. You could be a brat sometimes” Steve said fondly “I’m not gonna punish you for minor disobediences though, Buck. You have free reign on the word No, you can tell me no whenever you want”

Then the blond thought for a long couple of seconds “And I don’t think I rewarded you…” he was frowning in thought.

Did the Asset make that bit up? Maybe that was part of the dream instead of the memory. Had it made that up? It would make sense, its brain constructing false happy memories to stop itself imploding, but it had never really done that before.

“Y-you sat me in your lap?” It offered, hoping it might jog Steve’s memory.

“Oh” the blush was light but the Asset could still see it creeping up his neck. “Yeah, I did do that”

The Asset sighed in relief, real. So Steve was good at rewards at least.

“Did you punish me during the war?” it asked, wanting to know.

Steve blushed. Cheeks immediately go pink. The Asset cocked its head on the side in confusion.

“No, I mean, not technically. I did… kind of punish you once. I spanked you”

Steve spanked him? “When? Why?” it asked in quick succession.

Steve was only going redder, his pale skin blushed so easily. He fidgeted with his empty coffee mug, having to get up and make himself another, bringing one back for the Asset. Steve was thinking about what to say so the Asset was patient, like how Steve was patient with it.

“It was a week or so after the town in the mountain” he said as he sat back down, passing the mug over to the brunet. “You had been acting out of sorts, you were angry, you couldn’t sleep. The whole team was at its wits end about you- you were snapping and swearing, then one night in the tent you hit me”

The Asset froze in place, its mug halfway to its mouth. What? It did what?

“You didn’t do any real damage, just shocked the hell out of both of us. You looked more freaked out about it then I did at the time, I remember that” Steve rubbed at his jaw in memory.

“The Asset should never attack a Handler- I- I’m sorry, Steve-” it replied with wide eyes.

Steve wave a hand in dismissal “You apologized soon after, well, after I put you over my knee like a kid and tanned your hide until you cried”

This only confused the Asset even more. So Steve did know how to use physical punishment! He knew how to do it, he just refused! The Asset had hit its handler- or Captain, it had hit Steve. Steve. Way before the bridge and DC and everything, all those years ago it had hit Steve and Steve still came and found it in Romania.

“Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have said that” Steve grumbled to himself when Bucky started staring through him, no longer present.

It was the most questions Bucky had asked in a long time though that didn’t consist of Orders? Punishment? Training? The Arm?

Bucky had a dream about them, in the 40’s, this was great news! Who knew what else might start coming back, maybe he’d finally remember that he used to be disobedient all the time, he was sassy, he was charming, he never shut up.

Steve studied him while he zoned out. Not flinching or even blinking when Steve stood to grab his notebook off the coffee table. Sometimes Bucky got a little stuck like this, Steve had been noticing it more and more. Something would trigger it and Bucky would lock up and start staring dead ahead. It normally took just a couple minutes before he could shake himself loose, though once in the early days Bucky had got stuck in his brain for almost a solid hour, long enough that he wondered if he should call someone.

It didn’t take so long this time, just a few minutes and then Bucky was back with another question.

“So you can do punishments?” Bucky asked quietly, lowering his eyes nervously.

Fair play, after Steve’s outburst last night he could understand why Bucky was nervous about this one.

“I think that’s kinda different- I don’t know- That wasn’t like a real punishment, I was just trying to shock you back to your normal self-”

Bucky perked up in interest “Can you do that? Did it work?”

It had, actually. Once Steve had been done his ass had been red raw and he’d been sobbing over Steve’s knee, getting tears and drool all over Steve’s tac pants. But afterwards Steve had put him back together, held him as he tried to shake apart. When he finally went still he slept for 12 hours and woke up back to his old self. Like hitting a reset button. Kind of, anyways. Bucky still did the head shake, the one he’s still doing now 80 years on.

Steve shrugged at Bucky “It… kind of work, but I don’t know-”

“Steve”

The icy blue eyes were staring directly at him with such sharp focus it made Steve immediately lock in on them, Bucky’s eyes didn’t look glassy and void anymore, just bright and a little desperate.

“Do you think it could work now? Would it shock the Asset into being Bucky Barnes?”

It was like someone had put ice in his chest and that icy cold was spreading out, into his stomach and up his throat, into his limbs making his fingers freeze up. Steve couldn’t help it, didn’t care if it was a bad idea or not, but he reached out across the bar and grabbed Bucky’s hand.

“You’re already Bucky Barnes” he squeezed the brunet’s hand tightly. “I know it doesn’t make sense or feel like it yet, but one day it will. You are already Bucky Barnes”

The Asset sighed frustrated but didn’t move away from Steve’s hand on it.

“I want to be your Bucky Barnes, from the war - but obedient” it added quickly onto the end.

The blond hunched in on himself, dropping his head and sucking in a deep breath. His hand squeezed the Asset’s again, even harder.

“You are my Bucky, you always will be, pal”

That wasn’t true. Steve’s Bucky got to sit in his lap and get petted, got its tears brushed away, apparently got a spanking when it needed it. That Bucky got everything he wanted. The Asset did not get to have wants, but it wanted to be Bucky Barnes so badly.

It lost track of the rest of the morning after that. It wished it could still feel the burning welt of Natalia’s handprint, the pain was good for bringing it out of its head. Instead it got lost in thoughts, of memories not as good as the ones about Steve and the war.

Other Handler’s have spanked the Asset. Quite a few have given it harsh smacks on the ass over its tac gear. Rumlow once bent it over a table in an abandoned office block and pulled its pants down, underwear too, and hit its ass with the belt so hard it bled. Most of the time it was a humiliation tactic, though the Asset thinks Rumlow just got off on that kind of shit.

It desperately wanted to think of Steve giving it the spanking he spoke of. How was it not a punishment? The Asset had cried, it was a spanking so good it reset its behaviour immediately? Why did it not remember that, but could remember an unnamed Handler beating the backs of its thighs with a thin tree branch out in the middle of the woods, no mission, just a random day off.

Steve moved around it, making breakfast and more coffee, replying to emails. It knew he spoke to it more than once but it could not bring itself to move its head to even look at the blond. Time ticked on and the Asset remained stuck in a loop of memories, desperately trying to sort through them to find the one about Steve, but all the memories were so jumbled and- was it even in his head anymore? Maybe HYDRA had washed it away with the wipes. Maybe it was truly gone. Maybe the Asset would never know.
“-ucky?”

It blinked and a tear rolled down its face, eyes burning from not blinking. It glanced at the blond who was standing on the other side of the breakfast bar, then glanced at the clock. 40 minutes lost.

“Why can’t I find it?” it mumbled out, confused.

Steve frowned “What, Buck?”

“That memory of you spanking me. I think they took it”

Steve very slowly moved forward, learning across the table to wipe the tear from the Soldier’s face. His thumb was warm as it gently rubbed against its cheek and was gone as quick as it arrived. Barely having time to revel in the feeling before mourning its loss. Steve was wiping the Asset’s tears, maybe it was like Bucky Barnes, in som e weird fucked up way.

“That’s okay, it might come back one day, and if not that’s okay” Steve reassured “It wasn’t- it wasn’t anything special anyways”

The Asset did not believe that for a second.

“Do you want to eat soon? You haven’t had breakfast” Steve offered.

The Asset considered it, thought about Natalia telling it to strive for three meals a day, thought about how Steve said the Asset could say no and not be punished. As long as it ate once today Natalia couldn’t claim it was breaking any rules and Steve said it would not be punished for minor inconveniences.

“..No… Steve”

Steve paused in his motion of grabbing the blue box from the kitchen cupboard, looking back over his shoulder at the brunet in slight confusion. Their physiology was pretty similar, they both needed to consume thousands of calories every day. Steve knew Bucky must be waking up just as hungry as he was. Steve often had breakfast, and then had a second breakfast.

But Bucky was looking up through his lashes, nervous and cautious.

Bucky was testing the waters about that thing Steve said about disobedience. Well, he did say Bucky could tell him no whenever he wanted.

“Okay, Buck. If you change your mind just tell me, alright?”

The brunet nodded slowly, still watching Steve to see if the No would have repercussions. This isn’t exactly the kind of thing Steve was referring to when he said Bucky could tell him no whenever he wanted, but it was a start. Bucky would eat at least once today, if he wanted to follow the rules that is.
The Asset was surprised when Steve just put the blue box back and returned to his seat, unphased and unbothered by the refusal to eat.

Memory Steve had threatened to force feed him and the Asset could still feel that lingering dread he’d felt in the dream, it knew it had been force fed many times and knew how horrid it was, Bucky Barnes had been right to feel dread at the threat. It didn’t think Steve ever went through with it though, or he didn’t in this dream.

When the blond moved over to the couch to flick on the midday news the Asset did not follow for once. It stayed sitting at the breakfast counter and again Steve made no fuss about the minor disobedience. Maybe he hadn’t been lying about it, after all Steve didn’t want to give out major punishments. These minor disobediences weren’t worth its Handler’s time.

Captain, it thinks Steve prefers to be called Captain instead of Handler.

The news was talking about the war in Iraq again. Steve was keeping an eye on how things were going but it was unsure if Steve was truly involved in this war like they’d been involved in WW2. Steve even put his Starkpad down to watch it, listening closely.

They showed a clip of a gunfight in some dusty streets under a hot sun. Combat in broad daylight. The Asset had been to Iraq before, Pierce had gone there for something and needed the Asset to protect him while they were over there. That was before any of the fighting got really bad however, but it still hadn’t been safe for Pierce.

Steve shot him a sideways glance every time the news showed a clip of a gunfight, and it didn’t know why. Was Steve worried that the mere act of seeing a gun would make the Asset lose it? They watched fake gunfights in movies all the time and there was never much issue.

After the segment about the Iraq war the newscaster started going on about other things like the weather, so Steve shut the TV back off.

The blond got distracted with his work again. Replying to emails, reading reports, even making a couple of short phone calls where he didn’t give all too much away about what the missions were actually about. Steve didn’t like the Asset listening in about his work it seemed but it didn’t understand why. Is it because Steve wanted it to be a civilian? Or because he didn’t trust it?

It was mid afternoon by the time Steve got off his last phone call and he chucked the Starkpad to the other side of the sofa, it landed with a soft thump. The Asset watched the way Steve’s legs stretched out in front of him, how he pulled his arms over his head, how his shirt rode up to show a strip of pale flesh.

When Steve finally got up from the couch to come get another coffee he gave the Asset a curious look as he passed by it.

“You want another coffee?”

Steve smiled when the Asset said “No, thank you, Steve”

However the Captain did bring the Asset a glass of water, placing it down in front of it on the breakfast bar. The Asset stared at it, wondering if it could refuse that too. It glanced up at Steve who was still watching it curiously.

“You don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you don’t follow orders-”

It had asked a lot of questions this morning, speaking without being spoken to. Pierce would’ve slapped it for that. It refused to eat, it refused coffee, was this one step too far? Natalia said it had to drink water, it was in the rules.

Steve watched the gears trying to turn in Bucky’s head. The brunet was frowning at the glass of water with such an intense look it was like he was trying to use his willpower to break the glass. It was obvious what he was thinking.

“You haven’t had anything to eat or drink apart from the coffee this morning, I can’t really take a no this time, Buck” Steve sighed

Bucky hadn’t even had his breakfast smoothie with his meds in it, which probably wasn’t great but Steve had gotten so distracted by Bucky’s dream.

Steve could see the gears still turning in Bucky’s head, getting stuck and grinding against each other.

“Are you going to punish me if I refuse it?” Bucky asked, finally looking up from the glass.

“No,” Steve said with certainty. “But you will have to eat something today and I want you to drink at least three glasses of water before we go to bed tonight”

“And will you punish me if I don’t do that?”

Steve saw the icy blue eyes dart over to the fridge where his rules were.

“If you don’t drink you’ll get dehydrated and you’ll get sick. If you don’t eat you’ll get sick too, and you know you have to put some weight on” Steve sighed but Bucky was waiting for an answer to his question “Yeah, I’ll have to do something if you start refusing to eat and drink”

The Asset pulled the glass closer to itself, not lifting it to drink from it however. It didn’t want Steve to think it was flat out refusing, at least it wasn’t just yet. It was still thinking, it took so long to think things through, its brain was slow and stupid from being out of cryo for too long. Steve said nothing, just waited for the Asset to think. Steve never rushed it, that was nice, it did not like to be rushed. Rushing just meant its brain got even more tangled up.

To not eat one meal a day and to refuse water was breaking the New Rules. It had literally been punished last night, Natalia had slapped the slate clean and here the Asset was trying to fuck that up again. To refuse immediately breaks rule three just hours after it had been installed.

The Soldat had slept well though last night and a dream had come to it, a memory of Bucky Barnes. Did Natalia’s slap shake it loose?

Steve had screamed at her that she had no right to hit the Asset- no, no right to hit Bucky. Steve had also screamed that if Bucky needed punishment it was not up to Natalia to deal that out.

“I’ll have to do something-” Steve had just said. He would do something.

Steve maybe wouldn’t slap the Asset, but he had admitted to spanking Bucky Barnes. If Natalia had been forbidden then maybe Steve would have no choice but to spank the Asset. If that reset Barnes behaviour, maybe it could shake something loose in the Asset.

The Asset slid the glass back over to Steve who was still waiting patiently on the other side of the breakfast bar. Steve didn’t react poorly, didn’t look angry about it. In fact he smiled again, though it was still tinged in sadness like most of his smiles.

“That’s fine, Buck. Just remember what I said about one meal and three glasses of water”

The Asset nodded, it would not forget.

When Steve returned to the couch with his coffee the Asset followed and Steve kept smiling. The Asset should not like things, it should not want things, it knows this. That did not stop it from liking Steve’s smile, it did not stop it from wanting to disobey just to see what would happen. The Asset waited for Steve to settle before it got down on its knees beside him, getting into its normal position.

Watching Steve from the breakfast bar had felt strange, weird, it knew it should have been kneeling but wanted to see what Steve would do if it didn’t follow. There never was an order to follow Steve and kneel, it had just been doing it the whole time, and Steve apparently didn’t care if the Asset followed or not.

It felt better to follow Steve, more natural to slink down onto its knees at Steve’s feet. At least it knew what Steve would do now though, nothing.

The blond put on some kind of nature documentary and leaned forward to grab his sketchbook off the coffee table. When was the last time Steve had gone outside? Did he ever get to leave the compound? The Asset knew he left the apartment a couple hours every week but did he manage to at least get outside?

There were trees around the compound, the Asset could see them from the living room window. It wondered if Steve had been out there walking before. The Asset had spent weeks in the woods while it was hunting HYDRA, the woods were calming. Quiet. In the dream Bucky Barnes had gone out into the forest to find some peace, maybe they were alike in that.

When Steve made himself dinner he asked the Asset if it wanted another glass of water, the Asset shook its head. “Do you want to eat yet?”
Steve’s cooking smelled great and a stranger's voice in the back of the Asset’s head said that was new because Steve was a terrible cook. It shook its head again, this time shaking the voice out. Steve cocked his head in confusion from where he was stirring a pot on the hob.

“Was that a no or just a head shake?” he asked curiously.

“Just a head shake” The Asset clarified but it paused and added “And a No”

Steve nodded “Okay, Buck” he was keeping his micro expressions to himself for once, his face completely neutral as he said that.

It was 6PM, the Asset had six more hours until the day was technically over. It had time to change its mind, right?

Steve ate while they watched another movie that the Asset could not pay attention to. It was too busy looking at the clock, watching the minutes countdown. Steve ate and cleared up the kitchen. Another couple hours passed by while Steve did the chores he’d been putting off all day and the Asset wondered for the millionth time when it would get the arm back so it could start being useful.

At 9PM Steve asked again and the Asset refused once more.

It was getting anxious, and its voice shook a little when it said “N-No, Steve”

Steve glanced at the clock and replied “Okayyyy” like the Asset was making a mistake, but he still didn’t seem angry. If anything Steve seemed anxious about it like the Asset did. “You must be hungry though, Buck”

It did not know. Its stomach hurt if that's what hunger was. It felt a little nauseous.

10PM rolled around while Steve went for a shower and the Asset remained kneeling by the sofa, it never followed into Steve’s room, had never been through there into the master bedroom.

At 11PM the Asset was resting its head against Steve’s knee while Steve was channel surfing looking for something to watch. The blond’s sleep pants were grey and soft against the Asset’s cheek and it could smell Steve’s soap and fabric softener, feel Steve’s warm skin through his clothes. It had slept well last night, slept longer than it had in weeks- maybe years. It was surprised how sleepy it felt, its eyelids heavy, it wanted to sleep and have another dream about Bucky Barnes and Steve.

“It’s 11PM, Buck, do you wanna eat?”

Steve was careful not to spook Bucky as he spoke, moving his leg slightly first so the brunet had a little warning. Bucky lifted his head slowly looking exhausted.

“No…”
“Come on, Bucky” Steve sighed “You gotta eat”

Steve knew full well how hard it was to be full of the serum and not having anything to eat all day. After his transformation it had been the most surprising thing, that black hole he had in his stomach every morning, just constantly hungry. He knew Bucky had to be similar.

But Steve knew what this was really about and he had been kicking himself for it all day. Bucky had desperately wanted to be punished yesterday and Steve thought maybe the slap from Nat had put that all to bed, but it didn’t seem like it. Then this morning, Steve had admitted he could do physical punishment, he had admitted to spanking him before and Bucky’s eyes had lit up in a way that Steve knew meant he was formulating a plan.

Bucky wanted to know if Steve would follow through, Bucky was testing him.

Steve really, really didn’t want to follow through.

“I thought you wanted to be good?” Steve tried to coax him and Bucky’s head lifted off of his thigh with a frown. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say because Bucky’s eyes went blank and void for nearly a full minute, but he shook his head and his eyes seemed more alert.

By the time it was 11.30PM Bucky could barely sit still. Steve was doing his best not to glance at the clock or show his own anxiety, hoping maybe if he was calm Bucky would be calm. False hope however. The brunet fidgeted beside his knee, every few minutes shifting a little like he couldn’t get comfortable. Steve could feel him shaking slightly from where he was leaning against his leg.

When Bucky only had 15 minutes left of the day, Steve offered one more time. “Are you sure about this? There’s still time to eat”

The brunet stopped shaking but only because his whole body tensed. Bucky didn’t look up but Steve saw him nod.

“Okay” Steve said softly, making sure Bucky knew he wasn’t angry.

When the show Steve had put on ended, they both knew it was 12 o'clock.

The Asset squeezed its eyes shut and took a breath, wondering why the fuck it had decided to do this. What on earth made it think this would ever be a good idea? Purposefully breaking rules? Was it stupid? Was it a fucking idiot? Bucky Barnes must've been a lot braver than the Asset to be so disobedient all the time.

Steve shut the TV off and the Soldat heard him sigh heavily. Upset. Disappointed. Why had the Asset done this? It had seemed like a good idea earlier, hadn’t it?

“Alright, Buck. Come sit up here on the sofa” came Steve’s soft voice, sounding more exhausted than angry.

The Asset moved slowly, hazarding a glance at the blond from under its lashes. Steve was patting the seat beside him indicating where he wanted the Asset.
Once it was sat, Steve began to stand and the Asset flinched at the movement.

“You’re gonna eat now” and when the Asset’s lips parted to keep up the protest Steve added “No, Buck, it’s an order now”

Oh.

Steve moved into the kitchen, turning the radio back on as he went. It was playing something with a violin in the background and it made the Asset think of a woman standing in front of a window playing her violin. Paris? It had been a cold morning, the Asset had looked down the scope of its rifle and could see the fireplace burning away behind her. It wished it could have heard what song she was playing.

Steve was coming back with the blue box in hand and he sat back down next to the Asset on the side where its feeding port was. It was shaking, it realised. It only noticed when Steve asked it to hold the opened box in its lap..

“I don’t… I don’t like doing this, making you eat” Steve mumbled.

“I’m sorry” the Asset tried to stop its hand shaking. Tried to even its breathe. If it didn't calm down it would just throw up whatever Steve fed it anyways. “The Asset should eat, I-I’m sorry, Steve”

“Are you gonna tell me why you refused to eat and drink today?” Steve asked but he sounded like he already knew.

The Soldat was watching everything Steve did closely, there should be a punishment coming right? If Steve hated physical punishment so much would he- was there something-

It looked at the beige mush that would eventually get plunged into its stomach. It looked normal, it looked fine, it looked like it did every other day but- but what if-

“Hey, you with me, pal?”

The Asset almost dropped the box off its lap when its hand suddenly darted out to grab Steve’s wrist, just above the latex gloves he had just put on. Steve’s eyes widened in surprise “Hey, you okay Bucky?” he asked, concerned.

“What-what's in it?” it stuttered out, it shouldn’t ask, it shouldn’t ask. It had asked too many questions today.

“Just the normal stuff, nothing new or weird- it doesn’t even have your meds in it. Just food” the Captain reassured him.

Steve said he wouldn’t force feed Bucky Barnes. This was different though because they both knew the Asset wasn’t really Bucky Barnes, and this wasn’t exactly force feeding was it?

Bucky was freaking out and Steve was regretting everything he’d said today. He’d stopped still as soon as Bucky had grabbed his wrist but now the soldier was zoning out, eyes wide and glassy. That was okay, Steve tried to tell himself, he could wait as long as Bucky needed him to. It took a couple of minutes before those icy blue eyes darted to his and Bucky glanced down to find the feeding tube still unused.

“I’ll do it when you’re ready, not before”

There was a shaky intake of breath from the brunet, his shoulders trembled a little but he eventually let go of Steve’s wrist and nodded to give the go ahead.

Quick and efficient Steve popped the port open and attached the feeding tube, asking Bucky “You ready?” and getting another wordless nod before he slowly released the plunger.

It was a third of what Bucky should normally have per meal but Steve would bet money that a full portion would make the brunet puke right now. They went slow and by the end of it Bucky had almost stopped shaking, but he still seemed too in his head.

When they were done Steve cleaned up quickly, wiping the area down before closing the port. Bucky sighed in relief.

“Good boy, see, that wasn’t so bad” the blond hummed and Bucky’s eyes flickered to his.

Steve took the supplies into the kitchen to get sterilised and returned with a glass of water that he slid into Bucky’s hand “I want a couple of little sips, not too much or you’ll be sick”

The brunet took two small sips and handed the glass back, Steve set it on the coffee table.

“Good”

When Steve sat down again he was sitting in the middle of the sofa, a frown on his face like he was thinking hard. The Asset wondered what would come next, punishment now surely? Was it time for Steve to spank it? Or would he slap it like Natalia? Maybe Steve would do neither, maybe he was lying when he said he was going to be dealing out a punishment-

“Hey, I can see the gears turning in your head” Steve spoke up and the Asset tore its eyes off the floor to meet Steve’s blue eyes. He was nervous, chewing his lip before he spoke again “I’m going to give you a choice… I can ask Nat to come over tomorrow and deal with your punishment like she did last night, or I can- I can spank you”

It had slept well last night after the slap. The welt had been hard enough to last an hour, it might have lasted longer if Steve hadn't put a cool wet cloth against it, and every time the Asset had pressed its fingers on the red mark it had sent a burning pain through its skin. That pain had been grounding.
But Natalia only hit him once, but it was bare skin. Would Steve spank him on bare skin? How hard? Hard enough to bleed like Rumlow would have done? Or maybe hard like Natalia.

Bucky Barnes had apparently had a 180 attitude change after his spanking from Steve, that’s what the Asset wanted.

It shifted closer to Steve “Handlers should deal out punishment-” It frowned, glanced up at Steve who tried not to make a reaction at the word handler but failed “Captain’s should deal out punishments”

Steve smiled at that, a half smile, sad. He nodded “Okay, come lay over my lap then”

The Asset nervously moved across the couch and Steve held a hand out for him, helping to get the Asset situated over the Captain’s lap. It was.. Odd. Its stomach over Steve’s legs, its flesh arm under its head. Its hips raised a little when Steve lifted his right leg.

It felt like a child. It couldn’t ever remember being punished like this before, it didn’t think any other Handler had ever dared. The Winter Soldier was not a child to be pulled over Pierce’s lap like this. But here Steve was, doing it. And giving the Asset praises for doing it too.

“Well done, that’s good like that” the blond’s hand was resting on its lower back, hot and heavy.

“It's been a long time since the last time I did this, so we’ll start small. We’ll stop when you tell me why you refused to eat today”

And then Steve’s hand disappeared from its lower back and slapped down on the back of the Asset’s thigh.

Hard. The Asset flinched at the unexpected slap and Steve wrapped his other arm around its waist to stop it from moving away too far. Then another slap, on the other thigh, the Asset gasped at the sting even through its clothes. Steve brought his hand down again and again, both times on the fleshy parts of the Asset’s ass and it could do nothing but gasp and try its best not to wriggle.

It hadn’t expected Steve to hit it so hard, Steve didn’t even like physical punishment.

“Ah-” It cut itself off, clamping its lips shut as Steve’s hand made contact on a piece of flesh he had already hit.

“You’re doing good, Buck” Steve whispered before he hit him again.

“Steve-” it whined under its breath but the blond could hear it.

The Captain’s hand rested on the Asset’s behind, rubbing the fabric of its thin sweatpants against the hot skin making the brunet writhe.

“Do you know why you refused to eat today?” Steve asked.

It whined again, Steve’s hand still on its ass. This would end when it answered that question and while its ass was hot and stinging, it did not feel reset yet. “‘M sorry”

“Are you ready to tell me?”

The Asset shook its head, burying its face into its arm.

The next round of swats were even harder, enough to make the breath in the Asset’s throat hitch and for a tear to squeeze loose. Fuck, fuck it stung but- but it didn’t feel like a normal HYDRA punishment. It was different, even from Natalia’s slap. A harsh bullseye right to the center of its left cheek made the Asset jerk up, Steve wrapped his arm around its waist even tighter before rubbing where he’d hit making the brunet whimper.

“Good boy, com’on Buck, you can tell me why”

His voice was so sweet and gentle, so opposite of his hard swings. The Asset’s head felt fuzzy but not in the usual way. It focused on the pain, focused on Steve’s sweet voice. Steve hadn’t asked it to count but it was, 15, 18, 22, Are you ready to tell me yet? 25, 30, 35.

It let out a wet shaky gasp when its Captain’s hand made contact with where its thigh met its ass. It jerked hard, shuddering. If Steve’s sense of smell was anything like the Asset’s he could probably smell the salt in the air from the Asset’s tears, if it wasn’t already obvious by the way it was trembling in Steve’s lap.

Steve gave Bucky a moment of reprieve, stroking up and down his back slowly while the brunet sucked in a few wet gasps. It was hard to tell if Bucky was gonna end up bruising when they did this over his sweatpants but he hoped the serum would heal it up fast. Steve could still remember the last time they did this, he had yanked Bucky’s tac pants and underwear down- much to Bucky’s dismay- and had hit him so hard he had left a bright red handprint. Bucky’s skin was so pale it had gone red so quickly.

“You’re gonna bruise if we keep this up…” Steve muttered wondering if the soldier could even hear him over the sounds of his own laboured breathing, but Steve was shocked to hear a quiet whine.

“P-please, Stevie-”

Bucky had wanted it to bruise that night in the tent all those years ago too. Had basically begged Steve to hit him harder. I want it to hurt, Stevie- I need to hurt-

“It’s okay, doll” he found himself sweet talking, but Bucky didn’t seem to care. “I think I get it”

This version of Bucky could take a spanking a lot quieter than the one from WW2, all quiet gasps and whimpers. Steve did and didn’t want to hear him scream, and swear. The old Bucky had once even bitten Steve’s fingers when he had turned his face to check on him. This version of Bucky was so well behaved even during a punishment, he jerked and fidgeted, wriggled a little, but never far. It was different, but so similar.

Steve kept hold of Bucky’s waist tightly and wrapped his leg around the brunet’s whenever he jerked away. With only one arm Steve knew Bucky could still struggle out of his grip whenever he wanted anyways, but instead Bucky went limp.

The Asset had gotten to 50 before it lost count, too distracted by its own sobbing. It hurt, it hurt, Steve was giving it that grounding pain it didn’t even know it needed so badly until it was there. All it could focus on was Steve’s hand coming down in force, Steve’s arm around its side keeping it tucked against the blond, Steve’s smell, Steve’s breathing.
The Soldat gripped onto its own hair to stop it from ripping up the sofa cushions beneath it, yanking hard in time with the spanks. And it cried. It cried until its head hurt just as bad as its ass. Dehydrated, Steve had warned him.

“I-I’m sor-ry” It sobbed “I just- I wanted to be-”

Steve’s swats let up, his hand coming up to rest on the Asset’s lower back, so warm and gentle. Steve was so warm and gentle.

“Go on… tell me”

“I just, I-I want to be good” it whined and Steve stroked up its back.

“You are”

“I- I want to be good for- for you. I want to like things- I want to want things, like you want me to”

Steve watched as the brunet shoved his face into his arm, trying to wipe away the tears and drool. He pulled on Bucky’s waist, signaling him to sit up and he did so sluggishly. Steve had to help him, keep him steady, and Bucky tried to move over to sit on the couch but Steve pulled him into his lap. Bucky hissed as his ass made contact with Steve’s thighs.

“I want to be Bucky Barnes, but I’m not”

Some of Bucky’s hair had come loose from his bun, falling into his face and he dropped his head, avoiding eye contact with Steve. The blond wrapped an arm around Bucky’s waist and tugged him a bit closer, hoping Bucky wouldn’t sway right out of his lap.

“You are Bucky Barnes” Steve said once again, firmly. He rubbed Bucky’s shoulder and cocked his head so he could see those steel blue eyes. “Different, sure, but you’re still him. You’re still my Bucky, I promise.”

The Asset’s head was so fuzzy and its body felt light. Steve’s legs must be numb under its weight but it felt like it weighed nothing, it felt limp and tired, like it could fall asleep. There was a pounding ache however, right at the front of its head.

“You’re Bucky made you sad too?” The pounding grew worse as it thought back to the dream but it was determined to bring it back to the forefront of its mind. Bucky Barnes had made Steve sad back in the war, when he had found Bucky crying and out of his mind in the snow.

Steve nodded slowly “Yeah, sometimes. We would argue occasionally, well, a lot maybe. But that wasn’t a bad thing I don’t think. We were both real opinionated back then, and I thought I was right about everything” he sighed and the Asset finally looked up.

It was nice being sat in Steve’s lap, at least now the Asset knew how that felt for Bucky Barnes. Its ass hurt where it was making contact with Steve’s legs but it didn’t care, liked it even, it helped keep it grounded even as it searched back through its shattered mind looking for more things about Steve and his Bucky.

Steve’s arm tugged it even closer, they were hip to hip almost chest to chest. The Asset wanted to collapse forward, like Bucky would, shove its face in Steve’s neck and cry a little more. It did not do that though, it was already probably pushing its luck. Just sitting here with Steve’s hands on it was reward enough, it didn’t have to push.

“And sometimes you wouldn’t look after yourself back then either” Steve said with a sad smile “You don’t eat, you don’t sleep…” he rattled off knowing the Asset knew what he meant.

“Bucky Barnes was disobedient” it spoke, then hesitated, but Steve was just waiting patiently once again. “The Asset thought… being disobedient would be like… being like Bucky”

Steve hummed and nodded, it was obvious really and Steve had already known that. This was about confessing though.

“You’ve been through a lot, Buck”

Its head was so light and fuzzy it didn’t even flinch when Steve’s hand was suddenly right by its face, it knew Steve was moving slowly but it hadn’t even noticed-

“I don’t expect you to be exactly the same as before. We’ve both changed since the war, I’m not expecting you to act like you did all those years ago”

When Steve’s hand finally cupped the Soldat’s cheek it couldn’t help but press against it. A weight had just fallen from its shoulders it didn’t even know it had been carrying. It wanted to be Bucky. It wanted to be Bucky. It wasn’t fair that it couldn’t be a normal human person like the museum and therapist Mary and everyone kept telling it that it could be, that it once was. It couldn’t be normal. It couldn’t be a person.

The Asset was a weapon. It wasn’t supposed to like things or want things. It wasn’t supposed to speak outside of debrief, let alone ask questions, so many questions. Weapons did not have names, did not long to feel cold dog tags in its hand. Should not long to sit in its handlers lap and cry like a child. It should not have emotions, it should never cry.

But Steve didn’t care about all of that.

“I don’t- I don’t want to be disobedient again”

“No? You didn’t like it?” Steve huffed, sounding a little amused.

“No” it shook its head “That was anxiety inducing”

Steve tilted its cheek so they were making eye contact “That’s okay, you can just be good if you want. You don’t have to be disobedient”

It realised its hand was tangled in the bottom of Steve’s shirt, wondering when it did that.

“You like disobedience” it frowned.

“I don’t mind you acting like a brat sometimes” Steve did laugh this time, small and quiet but still a laugh “Doesn’t mean you have to break the rules though. You can give me sass and attitude without refusing to eat”

Sass and attitude… it was not sure how to do either of those things, but it nodded.

“Tomorrow I will be more obedient, I’m sorry Steve” it said quietly.

“You were testing the waters, that's fine, Buck. You took that spanking really well, but I’m worried you’re gonna bruise…” Steve worried “Do you want me to get you a cool compress or some cream-”

The Asset shook its head and sat back on the tender flesh a little firmer, making it grimace from the sting of pain. “No” it replied quickly “No, thank you”

“You don’t want anything? It must hurt…”

Steve had a guilty look in his eyes but the Asset was shaking it head “It’s good. I-.. I think I like it” and Steve chuckled.

“Okay, tell me if you change your mind”

The Asset nodded, but it never changed its mind.

Chapter Text

Steve had a lot of memories of Bucky, of them growing up, going to school together, living with each other. They’d spent two years in the Howlie’s before that all came to a crashing end. Steve had revisited those memories a hundred, two hundred times, maybe more, since he’d woken up from the ice. Two years.. It hadn’t been enough time. But it had been enough for Steve to wonder what their life after the war would be like. 

They had been in the north of France making their way back to base camp, it had only been  two months since Austria but they’d just completed their first successful mission as the Howling Commandos- everyone had been on a high. Everything had gone well, sure there might be a few things they needed to iron out as a team but damn it had gone well. No injuries, they’d taken out the POW prison and rounded up any fleeing Nazi’s, they’d gotten their guys back to safety and now they were heading back to London. 

So when they’d stumbled into the sweetest little village, just meant to be passing through, it hadn’t taken much convincing from the guys to stay the night here instead of camping in the woods. 

It was such a quaint town, only a dozen houses or so not including the butchers and bakers. Old brick probably older than the founding fathers, and thatched roofs. Basically untouched by the war apart from the eerie fact that nearly all the abled bodied men were gone, and of course some shortages of food. The people were so friendly though, even if they were a little hard for Steve to understand. He was fluent in French but their accents were so heavy, Dernier had to lead them through most of their conversations with the locals. 

“It’s the dialect, Captain, not the accent. You were taught French by a southerner, it’s why you struggle in the North” Dernier had said. 

They had arrived midafternoon, Steve, Dernier and Falsworth entering the tiny village to get a feel for the place. See if there was anywhere for them to buy some more supplies or a well to fill up their canteens. Dernier had spoken to an old man, explained who they were and apparently all the old guy cared about was what part of France Dernier had been born in. When he replied with the north, they were welcomed with open arms. 

Steve had given them leave to have a couple hours break, just expecting them all to restock and rest so they could keep moving for the coast. Dernier spent the entire time chatting with the old man they’d met on a little bench outside the butchers and anytime Steve walked by it was truly like they were speaking a different language from French.

Falsworth, Morita and Gabe had gone into the butchers to buy sausages and cheese, while Dugan had grabbed Bucky by the arm and pulled him into the bakers. Steve perched up on the edge of the well and refilled his canteen, glancing up through the bakery window to see what Bucky was doing. 

Dum Dum was leaning on the counter giving a big dopey smile at the young lady behind the counter, she was pretty, and he had even taken his bowler hat off to be a proper gentleman. Blonde and petite, in a pretty yellow dress and a flour stained apron. Steve was surprised Bucky wasn’t the one leaning over the counter batting his eyelashes at her, instead he was just buying bread. 

Steve saw Bucky give Dugan an encouraging pat on the shoulder as he stepped out, glancing around to see where the others were but he was already moving towards Steve. 

“No croissants?” Steve asked, a little teasingly. Bucky had been talking about wanting a croissant since they’d stepped foot in France. 

“No” Bucky pouted, taking a seat on the well wall beside Steve. “But here-”

Bucky passed him the brown paper bag he was holding, it was still warm from the oven whatever it was. Steve peered inside and saw a round loaf of bread, dusted with flour with some seeds on top. “It’s pumpkin bread,” Bucky told him. “The girl’s name is Patty and she baked it fresh only an hour ago, real nice gal actually. I told Dugan her name but I couldn’t stick around and watch him fumble through that” 

Steve laughed, Dum Dum’s French was getting better, Dernier had been teaching him, but it wasn’t that great yet. 

“What? Is she not your type?” 

Bucky rolled his too bright eyes and laughed “If Dum Dum can pull it off, he can have this one. I have enough blond in my life” then he grinned at Steve “It’s good to know I’m still good lookin’ enough to get free pumpkin bread anyways” 

“She didn’t charge you?” Steve didn’t know why he was surprised. 

Bucky just shrugged with a coy grin “I’m gonna go take a walk, I’ll be back in twenty?” 

The brunet stood, his rifle still slung over his back. 

“Yeah alright, don’t stray far”

“Yes Captain” Bucky smirked, he gave Steve the most disrespectful salute which Steve returned in kind, and then off he went. 

Bucky needed more time alone than Steve was ever used to him needing. Back home in Brooklyn Bucky could be like a leach sometimes, even when Steve was sick he couldn’t get him to stay away. He and Steve were different in that way he supposed. Maybe it was because Bucky grew up in a much noisier household, the eldest of four- and Steve only had his Ma. Now though, whenever they got a chance Bucky wanted to take a quick fifteen minute walk. Whenever Steve offered to keep him company he’d politely shut him down. 

It wasn’t anything personal, Steve knew, Bucky just needed to be alone. It had only been two months since Austria and Bucky still hadn’t spoken a word about what he endured there. He was still processing it, Steve guessed. 

“We’re gonna go cook up some sausages, you want in?” Gabe came over to show Steve what they’d bought. 

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle at the sheer excitement on Gabe and Falsworth’s faces.

“There’s even blue cheese” Morita tried to tempt him

“No, no i’m good thank you” Steve smiled shaking his head “You guys want some bread to go with your cheese though?” and he nodded his head to the bakery where they could all see Dugan still flirting with the baker's daughter. 

“Why yes, Captain, yes we do” Falsworth grinned mischievously as he grabbed the backs of Morita and Gabe’s uniforms to drag them over to the bakery. 

“Meet me back here in two hours!” Steve called after them. 

Bucky had left him with the pumpkin bread he realised and since Bucky hadn’t even paid for it Steve didn’t feel guilty when he helped himself to some. It was probably one of the best breads he had ever had. He kinda wished he could speak the language better so he could ask the girl the recipe. Actually, Bucky must have understood her well enough to know she only made the bread an hour before they arrived, maybe he could ask for him. 

Steve went on a little wander himself. When Howard had given him the Shield he and Peggy had asked Steve if there was anything else he’d need. Apart from his uniform, his boots, knife and a gun, Steve had said he was good. Now though, he kinda wished he had asked for a camera. 

Maybe that would suck the joy out of drawing and painting though. 

Morita had given Steve a paint set the last time they were in London. Steve had filled a good third of his sketchbook with new water coloured paintings in the last three weeks they’d spent in France, making a decent dent in the blues and greens in the set. France was just so pretty, it had the most peaceful fields. 

Steve had gotten settled on a bench on the edge of the village, overlooking a small field of pumpkins and root vegetables. There were some poppies sprouting up like weeds and Steve finally decided to dip into the red to paint those. 

That’s where Bucky found him not long after. The brunet silently sat down next to him, wordlessly pulling the pumpkin bread from Steve’s bag. 

There was fresh mud on Bucky’s boots and he smelled of pine trees. 

“The others want to stay the night. Dugan might want to stay forever” Barnes finally spoke when Steve stopped painting, letting his work air dry. 

Steve smirked, “Things going well with Patty?” 

He saw Bucky return the smirk “Yeah, you could say that. Dernier did a good job chatting up that old bloke too, the guy said we could stay in his son’s house on the westside of town”

“I should expect the guys to ask me to stay for a night then?” Steve huffed in amusement. “It wouldn’t be a terrible idea, if that guy will really let us stay in one of these houses”

Bucky shrugged “Dernier said we could, I think he reminds the old geezer of his son” 

“I can’t believe how different the dialect is up here, I don’t know how he understands a word that guy says” 

Steve rested back against the bench as the chill breeze dried the water on his page. He hadn’t ever really used the red in the set but it was the perfect shade for the poppies. If the guys really wanted to stay the night here Steve actually wouldn’t mind at all, he wanted to paint the thatch roofs and the bakery. Some things could wait, Steve’s memory was basically picture perfect, but if he found the time he could paint the Baker’s girl, the way Dugan leaned across the counter. He could paint Bucky perched on the edge of the well, his rifle slung over the back of his blue coat. 

“Do you wanna spend the night here?” he looked over. 

Maybe he should paint Bucky once he’s finished with the poppies. He looked so handsome all the time but especially in this light. His hair was a little long but only enough that when the breeze swept by he had to tuck it back to stop it burning on the cigarette between his lips. Bucky’s cheeks were a little pink from the cold and from his walk but his skin was still so pale from his time in Austria. Steve didn’t know how to paint Bucky’s eyes however. Would he paint them as they were now? So bright and icy blue? Or how he remembered them from Brooklyn, a greyish steel blue. Softer, a little less alert. 

“Why are you starin’ at me?” Bucky snapped his fingers in front of Steve’s face. “Do I have flour on my face or something?” 

“Do you think you could sit still long enough for me to draw you?”

“Right now?” Bucky asked with a confused look on his face. 

Steve blushed a little, feeling it creep up his neck. “Well, yeah I guess”

“Honestly,” Bucky’s smile fell as he sighed, he gave a nervous look over the fields. “No, I can’t. You just sitting here out in the open like this is making me want to crawl out of my skin” 

“You really do think like a sniper, huh?” Steve said lightly, with a small smile. 

The sketchbook pages were dry and Steve had a perfect memory of the poppies, camera or not. He closed his book and nudged Bucky’s shoulder “Let’s go see what the others are doing”

He saw Bucky bite his lip, seeming regretful “I didn’t mean- don’t stop painting, Steve”

“I can finish it in the morning” 

That made the brunet smirk “Oh, Dugan will be pleased to hear that”

It wasn’t until after, like two days later, when Steve realised he had asked Bucky if he had wanted to stay and he’d zoned out staring at Bucky’s face without ever hearing his answer. Looking back he could probably guess. 

The guys had been thrilled to hear they were getting to stay the night in a house, all of them fed up with setting up tents and sleeping cold. The old man had given Dernier three bottles of red wine when he had handed them a key to a small house on the edge of town. 

It was the kind of home Steve’s Ma had always dreamed of, though maybe a lot more rundown. Old grey brick with ivy running up it, thatch roof, tiny round door and low ceiling beams that some of them had to duck a little for. It had 4 rooms and Steve assumed an attic. Kitchen, living room, master bedroom and a spare. All the original furniture was still here, though some of it was covered in dust sheets. No electricity out here however. 

“Monsieur Bernard is not expecting…” Dernier trailed off “But let’s not make a mess, nonetheless”

Everyone had silently agreed of course. 

They were respectful not to ruin anything as they split off into rooms and inspected the place. Bucky was the first upstairs, claiming the master bedroom for him and Steve. Morita and Dernier would take the spare and Gabe and Dugan would sleep on the sofa or the armchair in the living room. 

They threw their packs down and got settled. Bucky told Steve he wanted to take a nap and he honestly looked like he could use one. The ever present dark circles just made his face look even paler. 

“Yeah, Buck, go have a nap” Steve had urged.

“You gotta wake me in 30 minutes, no longer” Bucky had hesitated at the bottom of the stairs. “If I even fall asleep”

“I’ll wake you, I promise. You’re good, go sleep” 

Steve knew Bucky didn’t sleep easy anymore like he did back in Brooklyn, not that he could blame him. What soldier could sleep easy so far from home? At the very least he could hopefully get a power nap in. But these last couple of days… Steve had wondered if Bucky had managed to sleep at all. 

While they’d been hiking back to the coast Steve had noticed the brunet growing quieter and quieter. On the way there it had been the other way around, the sergeant seemingly getting more anxious the closer to the mission they got. Just a couple of days ago Steve had caught Bucky staring off into the pine trees like he had heard a noise behind them, but Steve had heard nothing at all. 

Fresh mud and the smell of pine, Steve didn’t put it together until later that night. 

After 30 minutes he had gone upstairs to wake Bucky but had found Gabe standing in the doorway of the master bedroom looking in disapprovingly, saying “-making me fuckin’ paranoid, Barnes, I wish you would cut it out already” 

The doors were old and obviously handmade, there was a gap big enough for Steve to see through where the door connected at the hinges. Bucky was perched beside the window, rifle by his side. He obviously hadn’t slept at all. His bright eyes were blank and eerily void as he stared out the window towards the pine trees they’d come from. When Gabe glanced over, finally noticing him, Steve spoke up loud enough so Bucky could hear him. 

“You done sleepin’, Barnes?” 

Gabe locked eyes with him and Steve nodded, letting him know he got it. Bucky’s paranoia was making some of the guys uneasy. They threw pebbles at him when they noticed the Sergeant staring off into the woods with a hyper focused gaze. 

“Yeah” Bucky called back, his voice sounding a little rough. 

“Good, get downstairs, we’re gonna eat” 

When Gabe followed behind him he was muttering “It’s getting unsettling...”

“Yeah, don’t I know it” 

Dum Dum got the fireplace in working order and Dernier found pots and pans in the kitchen. By the time Bucky had come slinking back downstairs he had lost the vacant look in his eye. 

When Falsworth popped the first bottle of wine before they’d even finished cooking he said to an unimpressed Steve “Well, the way I see it, Captain. You’ll want us up early, so the earlier we start, the earlier to bed we’ll be”

He doubted that, but who was Steve to ruin their chance at one nice night? It was safe enough here, the people were friendly. Three bottles of wine shared between the five of them wouldn’t be so bad anyways. 

Dugan told them all his woes later on in the evening when Morita asked why he wasn’t going out to see his blondie. The living room was warm, a little stuffy even with all of them packed into such a small room. The Howlie’s were halfway through their second bottle and Steve had noticed Bucky hadn’t had more than a sip. The food had been amazing compared to the rations they had been eating for the last few weeks. Sausages, eggs, pumpkin bread and cheese. 

“So after all that- Patricia said she’s got a husband she’s waitin’ on” Dugan told them all pitifully. “Can you believe that? Why’d she make me stumble through all that damn French-”

“Was she wearing a ring?” Falsworth asked curiously. 

“Huh”

“Was she wearing a ring, Dum Dum” suddenly Gabe was grinning. 

“Well, I don’t know, I wasn’t looking I guess-”

The room erupted into laughter as they began to rib him, telling poor Dugan he’d been played. Dernier attempted to defend him, saying he’d seen a ring, but it was sounding pretty unconvincing. 

Bucky was standing up, nervously looking in the direction of the back door that led out into the garden. “Smoke?” he muttered quietly to Steve. 

Steve nodded despite knowing Bucky wasn’t really offering. Every time Steve had asked to bum one off him the brunet had refused. Steve followed though, thinking Bucky probably just wanted the company. No one even noticed as they both slunk out of the room. 

The back garden was seriously overrun but Steve bet it had been gorgeous once. He had always wanted a garden back home, Bucky’s Ma had gotten them a houseplant instead when they’d moved in together which was probably the closest they’ll ever get. The grass out here was knee high and patchy, parts flattened like animals had been roaming through here. There was a pond covered in green algae and a little piece of land that still had canes set up for runner beans. However at the back of the garden was a large rose bush, being left to the wilds hadn’t ruined that at all. It was more like a rose tree now, Steve guessed.

The chill air felt nice on Steve’s skin after being inside the stuffy living room, but the moment he had closed the door behind him, Bucky was grabbing him by the shirt and pushing him back against the wall. 

“Hey-” Bucky put a finger to his lips and kept Steve pushed flat against the wall. “Do you have your talkie on you?” 

Steve blinked in complete utter confusion, too stunned to remember how to speak. Those icy bright eyes were alert and frantic and his voice was barely above a whisper, Bucky had yanked him in close to speak, close enough his breath was hot on Steve’s neck. 

“Yeah?” it was on his belt like always “What the hell-”

“Go inside, keep everyone downstairs” just as quickly as he had pulled Steve close, Bucky was shoving him away. Back towards the door. “Go”

“Bucky, what the hell is going on-”

The brunet hurriedly put a finger to his lips “ Shut the fuck up” he mouthed, and shooed Steve inside. 

Confused, Steve huffed and went back inside. Was this it? Was this Bucky losing his fucking mind? Steve wouldn’t blame him if he did go crazy, Steve knew Zola had experimented on him even if Bucky wouldn’t admit it. However it was driving Steve crazy wondering if Bucky was going crazy. 

Steve slumped back down on the sofa beside Gabe. Fine, if this is what Bucky needed to help his paranoia, that was fine. He could take his strange cryptic walks alone even if it made Steve want to chase after him, at least they had the talkies.

The Howlies had started the third bottle of wine, and while it was strong stuff they weren't all completely sloshed, nicely buzzed maybe. Falsworth had them singing Christmas carols though, despite it being October. Dum Dum and Dernier were on the floor by the fire playing cards and Morita was halfway to falling asleep in the armchair by the time Steve heard Bucky’s quiet voice on the other end of his radio, maybe an hour later. 

It was nearing midnight but Steve had been sitting anxiously, glancing at the back door every few minutes hoping Bucky would come back in all smiles. 

“ Steve” Bucky’s voice crackled through, Steve could tell he was whispering. “Is everyone downstairs?”

“Yeah, Buck, all here. Where are you? You okay?” The blond quickly picked up the radio.

“Are you sure? Do a headcount”

On instinct Steve did, though he knew they were all there. “Yes, Bucky, we’re all downstairs. You wanna tell me what this is about yet?”

The others were looking at him in confusion, worried. Gabe asked “We got a problem, Captain?” 

“ Are you sure? ”

“Yes, Bucky, I’m fucking sure-”

Everyone reacted quickly as a gunshot went off and they all heard glass shattering above them. Steve grabbed the shield from where it was resting against the sofa and bolted up the stairs, heading to where he’d heard glass break and something heavy falling to the floor in the spare bedroom that faced the garden. Barging the door open Steve saw-

There was glass all over the bed, scattered and shining like tiny diamonds where they were reflecting the moonlight through the broken window. The chilly night breeze was coming in now, making the dusty curtains flutter. Jim and Dernier’s packs had been pulled apart and dug through, clothes dumped at the foot of the bed and one of Derniers first aid boxes was raided. Someone had been in here, sitting on the edge of the bed stitching themselves up. Steve would have been able to put that all together pretty easily, even if that person wasn’t still in the room. 

Splayed on the floorboards, blood pooling from a gunshot to the head, was a man in a German uniform. He’d been halfway through stitching up a wound on his side when he’d died, the thread still attached to the needle in his limp hand. A handgun was still on the bed. 

Steve paled at the sight of the young man’s face, light brown hair now staining in his own blood, eyes still open in shock. This soldier was from the POW camp they had just liberated, he had been one the Nazi’s that had fled capture, he’d been tracking them for weeks. 

“Fuck” Steve choked out when Morita burst into the room a few seconds later.

“Fuck” Morita repeated. 

Steve grabbed his radio “Good shot, Sarge”

“What was this guy even doing here? This far from the prison?” Gabe asked dumbfounded by the door. 

“Don’t ever look at me like I’m crazy again” came Bucky’s moody response from the radio on Steve’s belt. “Get in here, Buck” was Steve’s reply. 

Jim got the German soldier on his back, immediately grabbing for the dead man’s radio and handing that off to Steve. They were compromised, but how badly? These radio’s only worked for so many miles, if the guy had any backup they’d have to be close. When Steve tried the button he realised the radio was dead.

The mission had gone so smoothly, or Steve had thought it did. How had they not noticed a straggler slip free? How had Steve not noticed him following them for two weeks?

Steve thought they’d rounded all the fleeing Nazi’s up. 

Bucky had noticed though, hadn’t he? His paranoia had been proven right. 

When Bucky had stepped into the bedroom, Gabe and Morita had stepped out. Giving them both some space, they must have been able to feel the sudden uneasy tension in the room. Maybe had seen the dark look on the Sergeant’s face. 

“How long ago did you realise?” Steve asked quietly.

The brunet didn’t answer, his entire focus trained on the pool of blood forming under the man’s head, trickling a little through the gaps in the floor. Steve saw his pupils dilate, his fingers twitched, still curled around the rifle in his hand that he was pointing towards the floor. Still ready to be of use if it needed to be. 

Steve draped the bedsheet over the dead soldier so Bucky would stop staring at the hole in their head. 

The brunet stood there silently, not answering until Steve was finished and the sheet was in place, forcing him to tear his eyes away from the body. Bucky’s nose and cheeks were pink again from being out in the cold for so long and Steve could smell roses and gunpowder along with fresh dirt and pine. The front of his uniform was wet and he had a leaf in his hair. 

“You doubled back today, didn’t you?” Steve didn’t like how accusing his own tone was. 

Icy cold. Bucky stared at him, unmoving. “I noticed him five days after we left the mission,” he confessed. 

“And never said anything?!” Steve stood up from where he was crouched by the dead would-be assassin, standing to get into Bucky’s space. “It’s day eleven of this now!”

“In my defense I thought I’d already shot him” the brunet shrugged dismissively, he didn’t move away from Steve but also couldn’t hold eye contact, looking away. “Just grazed him though, I guess… I noticed him again two days ago”

“What?” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose hoping to stem off the headache he was gaining. “How did you manage to fire a shot off without me hearing it?” even with a silencer Steve would’ve heard it. 

“Doubled back… pretty far. You were asleep an’ I told Dernier I was gonna go take a shit in the woods. I was gone for like, an hour an’ a half. I’m surprised he never came to wake you, he was pretty pissed when I came back” he at least had the decency to look sheepish about it.

“I can’t fuckin’ believe you, Buck” Steve grumbled, leaning back against the dresser. “Why did you not say anything? If you hadn't noticed him again he could’ve killed us!”

Bucky anxiously looked at the bedroom door, opening his mouth to say something and thinking better of it. He shrugged-

“No, not good enough, Barnes!” The Captain snapped, furious. Steve moved again, grabbing Bucky by the front of his wet coat and shoving him backwards until he hit the bedroom wall with a soft grunt, Steve pinned him there “Fuckin’ explain yourself- Now.” he was so fed up of Bucky’s vague answers and lame excuses. 

“I didn’t- fuck, I didn’t think he was real” Bucky gasped in surprised, his eyes widening as Steve yelled at him. 

He had dropped his gun when Steve shoved him and his hands were now on Steve’s forearms, struggling a little against a grip he knew he couldn’t break. Steve didn’t let go but he could feel his anger falter. 

“I thought I was- was fuckin’ nuts or something, okay? I didn’t think he was real. When I shot him, he didn’t even scream and when I went to check- I couldn’t even see any blood. When I didn’t feel him following us anymore I just figured- figured I rather had shot him, just couldn’t find the body, or- or… I was just fuckin’.. Imagining it.” 

Bucky closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the wall when he finished his confusing confession, and stopped struggling against Steve’s hold. So Steve let go, took a step back. They both just took a reeling second to breathe and try to process. When Bucky opened his eyes again he just looked… scared. 

“At least I’m not fully crazy…” Bucky attempted to smile as he gestured to the stalker, but it didn’t reach his now slightly watery eyes. 

“No, Buck, you aren’t crazy” Steve sighed “I’m sorry if I ever looked at you like you were”

That seemed to be the approval Bucky had been waiting for and as soon as he heard it his shoulders shook and his head dropped, Steve heard him take in a shaky breath and his fists balled up at his sides as he tried to keep the sob in. “Bucky..” Steve murmured as he put his arm around those trembling shoulders. 

“You did a great job, I’m sorry I yelled at you” Steve whispered out an apology, guilt suddenly filling his chest. Bucky had spent the last eleven days being the only one who knew they were being hunted, no wonder he had looked so exhausted and skittish. 

“Y-you’re right, though. He was in here, he was in here” Bucky sounded a little frantic so Steve pushed Bucky’s cheek against his shoulder and held him closer. 

“Even if you don’t think it’s real, you tell me, we check it out together” Steve told him, an order. 

Bucky’s hands clutched at the front of Steve’s uniform and he turned his face to nod into Steve’s chest. 

The Howlie’s never doubted Bucky’s instincts after that, and they were careful how they looked at him when sometimes his instincts did turn out to be paranoia. Steve never did ask how Bucky had known the soldier had gotten into the house.

Chapter Text

“I know you aren’t comfortable here, but this isn’t really something we can do at home…”

Steve was worrying over the Asset as it tried to remain lucid enough to hear him. Doctor Cho had it propped up on a padded medical table, wires taped to its chest and to its temples. She was keeping an eye on its vitals, so it tried to calm its thoughts and heartbeat. 

A heart monitor was beeping quick and quiet somewhere, telling the Asset it was doing a bad job. Sam had asked last night if the Soldat was excited. Excited? Asset’s did not get excited. “You’ve been asking about it for weeks, I figured you’d be excited to hear its finally happening” 

Is that why it didn't sleep well last night? It had not felt like excitement, it had felt very much like dread. It had been to Stark’s lab before and the man was an engineer, not a medical scientist, so that hadn’t been so bad. Doctor Helen Cho was nice, she spoke with a gentle tone when she warned the Asset of her touch and had cooling hands when she placed her fingers on his temple. None of that was helping however. 

It felt like being in the chair. The bright white lights above it were dizzying, the medical equipment Cho had brought with her smelled like antiseptic and cleaning chemicals, like latex. It wasn’t drugged yet or restrained but it could not relax when Steve told it to. 

“We don’t have to do this today, Bucky” Steve put a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

The Asset jerked- Hold it down, if it won’t go willing- Steve looked a little taken back. 

“If this is too much-”

“I need the arm” The Asset hoped it didn’t sound like it was pleading.

Stark was doing the final preparations on a table on the other side of the lab. The Soldat could see him holding what looked like a little soldering pen, his tongue stuck out in focus. Tony had been blaring rock music when they’d come in and Steve had to shout over it to ask JARVIS to tone it down. It was still playing now but much quieter and Tony was bopping his head along to it as he worked. 

“Sergeant Barnes,” Helen Cho stood beside it, smiling gently. “I know in our earlier meetings you said you would prefer to be awake for the procedure, is that still your wish?”

It glanced at Steve but the blond remained still, not giving any help. So it nodded “Yes, Doctor”

“Okay, and before you refused any pain relief as well. I advised against this but it’s ultimately up to you, is that still what you want as well?”

It should not be making these decisions, it never had in the past. It's Han- His Captain… still made no motion to speak for the Asset however. In the past it had never received any pain relief, why would it now?

“Yes, Doctor,” it replied. 

Cho nodded, her face completely neutral. 

It was warm in Stark’s lab, which was different from the vault. Pierce had gotten the technicians to strip it down to its waist and it thought it might’ve broken a few of them, it remembered hazily being disobedient before Pierce got there. Its mind had been filled with images of Steve’s mind on the bridge at the time. When its left shoulder jerked it was glad on Cho’s behalf that they hadn’t attached the arm yet. 

The New Rules and HYDRA’s rules had some similarities, some overlap. Do not die, Do not hurt allies. The Asset had broken the latter rules even under HYDRA’s hands, it did not want to, but it had. It killed quite a few technicians just on accident while they did repairs to it, did Steve know that? He had to know that… Did Stark and Cho know?

Has anybody warned them that sometimes its body worked on its own? 

If it told Steve, would they not give it the arm? 

HYDRA had drugged and restrained it for a reason. 

“Steve” It darted its eyes from the arm across the room to its Captain standing beside it. “Can they paralyse me?” 

“You could sleep through this-”

“I don’t- please, no” the dread was back in full force, making the inside of its chest feel freezing. It was worse when they knocked it out, it didn’t know what they had done when it was out cold. “I just don’t wanna-”

One of the first things to come back to the Asset had been the memory of blearily waking up with HYDRA’s fist attached to him. Everything in the memory everything was blurry but it thinks now that was because it was drugged, but it remembers how the arm reacted seemingly on its own, crushing the throat of the first person to come into his line of sight. In its mind now that person was Helen Cho. Her sweet face goes purple before the metal hand breaks her tiny neck. 

The Asset had to sit up, it felt sick. It could not lay back in the chair, it did not want the bright lights in its eyes, it did not want to bite down. It did not want to break Doctor Cho’s neck. 

“The Asset cannot break its rules” it choked out, maybe more to itself than to Steve. 

“Which one are you worried about?” 

Steve’s hands were much bigger than Cho’s and warmer. One was resting on the side of the Asset’s neck and the other was on its knee where it had slung its legs over the side of the table. It was breathing a little too quickly it realised, it could hear the heart monitor beeping. 

“The Asset has hurt technicians before- has killed technicians before” it stumbled over its words “Bucky Barnes, when HYDRA put the arm on him-”

It knew that memory was like the ones from the war, not the Asset’s. They were Bucky Barnes memories, getting the arm was one of Bucky’s last ones. 

Bucky Barnes had screamed, had ripped the bandages off his shoulder and dug his fingers so deep into the still bloody seam where flesh met metal. He had screamed until he coughed up blood, had screamed until his voice box gave out. Those fingers had ripped and torn until soldiers came and pinned him down and drugged him, but he fought and the arm was strong, and he crushed a jaw before they got him under.

“Hey” 

How long did it zone out? Helen had left the room, but Tony was still sitting on the edge of the desk swinging his legs as he quietly worked on the arm. The music was still playing low, maybe even lower, but Stark wasn’t moving his head along to it anymore. What a terrible spy he would make, it was obvious he was listening. Steve was holding its hand, squeezing it every minute or so. Had the Asset not been blinking? Its eyes were slightly wet and they felt like sandpaper. 

“How long?” It asked. 

“About nine”

It trusted Steve to be truthful like always, but it always surprised the Asset how long it could space out on a single thought. Nine whole minutes spent not seeing the real world, only what was going on inside his head. If it did this in the field it would be shot dead. That must be why Steve wanted it to stay off mission permanently, a civilian. It could not be trusted to keep focused. 

Its eyes flickered to Tony, it felt… embarrassed. Stark was very careful, not looking at it. That was polite, it supposed. 

“Wanna go home?” Steve offered with a smile. 

“I need the arm” It repeated, because it did. 

It could not protect Steve properly without the arm, couldn’t even help with anything. It could fire a handgun one handed but not a rifle which it preferred, it was off balance, it needed the arm. 

“You should paralyse me” 

This time it directed it to Stark, who was pretending not to listen. 

Stark’s head jolted up, looking over perplexed. He held up a hand defensively “Hey, I don’t get a say in all that stuff, that's on Helen, and she’s already on it I think”

As he said that the Doctor reappeared, she was holding some small supplies in her hand and it seemed she had heard what was going on, perhaps had even left the room the first time the Asset had asked for a paralytic and it just hadn’t noticed. “I think I understand you, Sergeant Barnes” she crossed the room swiftly, presenting what she had in her hands. 

It was a small glass bottle with a long label the Asset did not recognise “A paralytic, a nerve blocker. Once you have this however, you will not be able to move at all for about an hour” 

The Asset nodded “Yeah, you should- it wont… will it put me to sleep?”

Cho shook her head “No, it won’t. It’ll help with the pain as well” though that last bit seemed more for Steve than for the Asset. 

The Asset did not really care about the pain, it just did not want to be unconscious in the lab, or lash out. 

Cho prepared the injection site and slipped the needle in, saying it might take a minute or so. Steve held onto the Asset’s hand tightly and that was nice. 

“Alright, tin-man, you ready?” That was Stark who was holding the arm, setting it down on the medical tray beside the table. 

It nodded, already feeling its head getting heavy. 

Stark began explaining how things would happen, despite having explained it yesterday, but the Asset was glad they were giving the drugs a chance to kick in before they started messing with it. Steve was squeezing his hand and it knew how much the paralytic was working by how much harder it was getting to squeeze back. 

“These wires get attached to your nervous system, it's the thing we were worried about the most because you didn’t want pain relief but thankfully you decided on the nerve blockers” Cho cut into Tony’s explanation. 

“So once it’s installed, the nanobots can attach those wires, we’ll do all the minor adjustments once that bit is outta the way” 

 “Sergeant Barnes, can you shake or nod your head?” Cho asked. 

It tried, it could not, it tried not to panic at the failed attempt. This is what it wanted. 

“Bucky, when you’re asked questions, you’ll blink twice for yes, once for no. Okay?” it could see Steve still holding its hand even if it couldn’t feel it anymore. 

It blinked twice. 

“Let's get this party started!” Stark clapped his hands. 

The next hour was a living hell and the Asset regretted every decision Steve had ever allowed it to make. It regretted anything that led up to this point. Steve had offered more escapes than it needed, to sleep through this, to just go home, but it had refused and look where that got it. It had forgotten- how had it forgotten? It did not want to be restrained because they restrained it in the chair, it did not want to be put to sleep because they did things to him while he slept. How had it forgotten that HYDRA had used paralytics too? Of course they had, they used everything else. 

The serum had made it stronger than they were prepared for and the arm could shred through the thickest leather straps, the Asset had forgotten but Bucky Barnes remembered. In those early days, the first few wipes before they figured out how to contain it- before it was obedient, they had to paralyse him to stop him from struggling. Bucky Barnes had struggled. 

It couldn’t close its eyes because closing its eyes was infinitely worse than watching the whole thing. Steve had been ushered out of the way but he hadn’t gone far, still in the Asset’s line of sight. He had his arms crossed over his chest, leaned up against the desk that Tony had been working on earlier. Steve was keeping watch, he would be okay. 

Stark chattered relentlessly as he worked and twice Helen had to tell him to be quiet so she could concentrate. The minute she was finished doing whatever tricky thing she was doing, he’d start right back up. The Asset found it too hard to follow and it didn’t seem like anything useful so it tuned it out mostly. 

“So I told the kid, ya know, come meet the Avengers! Ooooh Ahhhh how exciting, right? And this little twerp, he turns around and goes well actually i’m gonna keep lookin’ after the little guys for now, I just wanna be local Spider-boy and well- okay, great, but I had a whole press conference-” 

That sounds kinda like Steve, he was always thinking of the little guys. Makes sense since once upon a time he was a little guy. Now the blond looked a little intimidating with how he was standing watching the surgery, big biceps and broad chest, so tall. It’s not lining up with some of Bucky Barnes' memories. Steve was so small, once. Then he got the serum, the better stuff than what HYDRA gave him. 

It was still mostly lucid when Stark clicked his fingers in front of the Asset’s unfocused eyes. It zoned back in, looking at the mechanic. 

“We’re gonna do the connection now, you might not feel it but your body might jerk anyways” Stark was warning it, that was nice of him. 

“Ready?” that was Helen asking and it suddenly remembered it couldn’t nod, so it blinked twice. The sooner this was over with the better. 

Stark lifted the arm into place and twisted, it heard a hissing noise before-

HYDRA’s arm was installed with no intention of it ever being removed, so they had anchored it in with metal supports in its shoulder blades, its collar bone, and some of its ribs were completely metal. If it laid on its back on the concrete it could feel the metal wrapped around its spine. It was uncomfortable to sleep on. They had removed it once or twice anyways, when the Asset had mangled it beyond repair and when HYDRA got the idea for the vibranium core and outer plates, to make it less likely to shatter. It had been awake for the removal but always passed out when they disconnected the nerves. 

Nerve blockers apparently can’t block this kind of pain, this kind of shock to the system. It was blinding, the Asset saw white and if its body moved it couldn’t see to tell. It was like electric shooting into it, like the chair, but through the socket of its arm instead of behind his eyes and- someone said something, a little panicked, it couldn’t hear-

Steve was the last thing the Asset saw before the white blinding pain, and when it slipped into blackness Steve was the first thing Bucky saw too. 

“Oh com’on, Stevie, why the long face?” 

They were standing outside the subway while Bucky smoked a cigarette before they caught their train, it was almost Christmas. It was snowing and Steve’s small frame was wrapped in a coat two sizes too big for him, one of Bucky’s dad's old jackets. They had shown the girls to their platform and Bucky had gotten the job. Weird, odd job it would be… But well… Christmas was coming and winter was already bad, they had to think about the heating and Steve’s eventual medical bill. Because he was gonna get sick, was probably already getting sick right in front of Bucky’s eyes. 

He had tried to ditch Steve at home, warned him about the bitter wind and how the chill would make his bones rattle. Steve, of course, hadn’t listened one bit. Steve knew where Bucky was going and had still insisted on coming, because he knew why Bucky was going. 

They had to jump on the subway then walk in the cold air for twenty minutes, and Bucky had even reminded Steve of the all uphill walk before they’d even made it to the train.  

Bucky had taken the same job last year. It paid well and was discreet, which was nice, because Steve was the only person he wanted to ever know about this. 

There was a real nice burlesque parlor underneath one of the apartment buildings in Park Slope, hidden so well in the maze of the basement that if you hadn’t been before you’d never find it. It was a large room set out like any normal pub, they’d even installed a real bar, a real stage. A band was up there, playing jazz, and the shelves behind the bar were mirrored and filled with booze. A low excited chatter was buzzing around the room and pretty girls in skimpy purple and red outfits walked around with trays of drinks. 

Steve looked ready to choke on all the smoke but still he had followed. 

“What if you end up getting stabbed in a place like this?” Steve had muttered when Bucky told him to wait by the coat check. 

“What? Then we both get stabbed? Great idea, Rogers. Anyways, I wont get stabbed”

And they didn’t get stabbed. Lady Jane’s establishment was very high end and professional, she wouldn’t have even allowed the thought. Bucky had got a nod of recognition from the bartender, letting him know he was expected after all, and he and Steve sat with their drinks for a few minutes, watching the clientele and the girls. 

Steve blushed whenever he caught sight of any of the girls, keeping his eyes on his drink and Bucky found himself smirking at the bashfulness. The clientele here were slightly older, definitely richer, than the other burlesque joints Bucky had been in. They wore nice suits and left their expensive coats at the door, when they picked up their fine scotches and rums they were wearing shiny watches that cost more than a month's rent for the shitty apartment he lived in with Steve. These were men of money, well to do men of society. Bucky and Steve were sticking out like sore thumbs as they sat at the bar, but that was okay. 

These well to do men? They couldn’t be seen in a place like this, and therefore would never see anyone else in a place like this. 

Lady Jane was an older woman from New Orleans, she kept her dyed red hair in pin curls and her lips were always a shade of dark purple, to match all of her outfits of course. She was grinning at Bucky as she came out of the door beside the stage, she didn’t seem at all surprised to see Steve. 

“James, my pearl” she cooed, accent heavy, arms extended for a hug as she approached. 

Jane was a tiny woman really and the heels didn’t help her much, Bucky leaned down and she planted a dark purple kiss right on his cheek 

“Lady Jane, it's a pleasure to see you-”

“You brought a friend?” there was a twinkle in her eye and she beckoned Steve to her. 

Steve was taller than Jane even, so he had to bend slightly too to receive his matching kiss stain. “Hello, ma'am,” Steve said, a little nervous. 

“Well look at you, what a little dove you are” 

Steve looked uncomfortable with the way the older lady was checking him over so Bucky said “I came about the job, Lady Jane?” 

“Just you?” she raised an eyebrow and he quickly nodded in case Steve said something stupid, thankfully he didn’t. 

“Yeah, yeah just me. Same thing as last year right?” He drew her attention from Steve and she gestured to the door she had come through. 

“This time of year, business always picks up. Oh- I am afraid the back rooms are for employees only” Lady Jane had held a hand up when Steve had begun to follow. She was smirking, tempting Steve like a snake. 

“Stay here, I’ll be right back” Bucky told the blond firmly, he could hear Jane chuckle as she wrapped her arm around his. 

“Bucky-”

“Steve- Stay here” 

“Micah will look after you, little dove” Lady Jane patted Steve on the forearm like he was a child and gestured to the bartender “Have another drink on the house while I talk to your friend, hm?”

Steve was too polite to argue with her but he sent a worried glance Bucky’s way as he doubled back to the bar. Jane pulled him along, surprisingly stronger than she looked and Bucky followed her through the side door into the employee only rooms. 

“-come back whenever you’re ready- there’s no rush-” Bucky swung around to look at Steve, who’s voice had been right in his ear, but Steve was back at the bar. 

There were almost as many people back here as there were out front, but it was slightly more chaotic. There were girls getting ready for the stage, some in half states of undress and Bucky respectfully kept his eyes to himself. The were loud and gossiping as they walked by and when they saw Lady Jane they all smiled and greeted her warmly

“Hi Lady Jane” the girls said in unison as they passed by. 

“Ready for a good night, my sweeties?” 

“We are, if all the boys out front look like this one!”

Someone pinched Bucky’s ass and he jumped, the girls burst into hoots and hollers as he blushed. Lady Jane smacked the offending hand away with a playful grin, the girl who had pinched him had auburn hair and was sitting in front of a vanity mirror applying glittery makeup, she was only in a tight red sparkly corset. “I’m callin’ dibs on this one” she told the other girls. 

“Ha! You wish! See who’s arm he’s on, Veronica? This one is already claimed” Lady Jane laughed as she began dragging Bucky further down the halls. 

Too flustered to say anything, Bucky just let himself be dragged. He liked to think he was charming but… he had felt like prey in shark infested waters for a moment there. They walked by a few more people on the way to the office and they all smiled at Lady Jane no matter who they were, from burly security to the coat check girl going on break to the busboy, Lady Jane knew all their names. 

After a few minutes of walking around the underground maze, he spotted a familiar room. Jane’s office. She unlocked the door and led him inside. 

The walls were painted a dark shade of red and the carpets were black, there was a dark mahogany desk with a lamp, a leather sofa with a coffee table. Lady Jane rounded the desk, immediately heading to the bird cage there. 

It was a parrot, red wings and a green chest and a yellow head- and it was huge too. Bigger than any pigeon Bucky had ever seen. “You like her? She’s a macaw, from Peru. One of my favourite regulars brought her as a gift for me, isn’t she just lovely?” and it began to chirp at her when she stuck her bony finger through the bars to scratch its neck. 

“I’ve never seen one before” Bucky admitted “She’s beautiful” 

Steve would love to see one, he’d wanna draw it probably. 

Jane grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the drink cart, her fingers hooking around the rim of two glasses and she brought it back over to the desk “Take a seat, my sweet” she sang

She looked taller when she sat, probably because her chair was so pumped up. Bucky felt awkward being in here alone with her when she looked at him like… that.

“Last year went well for you, then?” Jane slipped a cigarette into a long pen-like holder and took a long inhale, blowing the smoke away from the bird. “I have plenty of jobs that would suit your… talents”

She was smirking, so Bucky took a nervous sip of the whiskey she offered. 

“Yeah, if it’s still paying as well” he tried to sound casual. 

“Should even be Holiday tips. I should imagine a pretty young man like yourself could bring home $100 before Christmas is over with, more if you want the hours”

 A hundred could cover rent for a couple months and buy groceries, they might even have enough to put aside for Steve’s doctors bills that would be coming eventually. It was too much to turn down, right before Christmas

“How many hours we lookin’ at though?” Bucky asked with a sigh. 

Jane opened up the drawer beside her and pulled out a thick red log book-

The room glitched- like time stopped and a sudden white pain shot through him- but Bucky Barnes did not react in his chair. The red book had a star on the front- wait no- no it didn’t- 

“I’ve got a couple familiar names in here for you” Jane was smirking still “They asked for you specifically after last year, but I have at least eight hours worth so far. More will only come in”

Didn’t sound like a lot of hours, but it was longer than Bucky wanted, but again… that pay was too good to turn down. 

Jane slammed the red book closed and- the room glitched again- Ready to comply? Da. No because it didn’t have a star on the front- this was too early. These were Bucky Barnes’ memories- this was before the war.

“-ink he can hear me?” Was that Howard’s voice? From where?

It shook its head- Bucky Barnes shook his head. 

“No, out of the question. He’s not interested”

“You sure? You two could do the same jobs if that where the worry lies…” Jane had that mischievous sparkle in her eye again. 

“No- no that's not-” he knew he was blushing “We aren’t- no, he’s just- not interested”

Lady Jane laughed at his pathetic stumbling, at the red blush creeping up his neck “You are just too cute! My regulars will eat you up” and her eyes widened like she was staring at prey “But right, you best show me the goods, just in case anything has changed since last year”

“I promise you it’s all the same-” 

“Best to show me, hm, sweetie?” and Lady Jane leaned back in her chair, dragging on her cigarette. She rolled her wrist as if to say well, get on with it

Bucky held back the sigh, this would probably be just as embarrassing as the last time. He slid his chair back, standing up, and began to unbutton his shirt. 

“Hey, you’re okay. Can you feel that yet?” 

Steve’s voice again. 

Steve had been real worried about him last year, and had wanted to follow Bucky from job to job to make sure he got out okay, but Bucky had flat out refused to let him do that. If Bucky got into shit, or worse got caught, he didn’t need Steve being there getting tangled up in the mix. 

Oh, it could feel that. Something squeezing his hand. 

The room had come to a sudden stop again, the scene skipping, jumping- He was undressing, Jane was smirking and making him do a twirl, she was beckoning him over. He could feel a blinding pain but Bucky never reacted like he did. Kneeling beside her desk everything glitched and- and

“Just give it a minute, Tony, sometimes he can’t hear you”

Steve was talking and he sounded annoyed, sounded stressed and worried and that was so familiar. There was music playing, not the jazz on the stage but Stark’s rock music. Tony, not Howard. That wasn’t Howard. 

“S-eve?” he managed to croak out. 

The room was coming back to him now, messy tables, scrap from Stark’s projects everywhere. The bright lights had been switched off and he felt heavy. 

“Hey” Steve’s hand squeezed his tightly and he was standing above him. “That scared me, Jesus” and he looked so relieved. 

“Fuck,” grumbling he tried to sit up a little and found resistance. Still drugged? No, heavy- “ Fuck-” 

The arm. The whole point of all of this, it had gotten lost in Barnes’ memories and forgotten about the fucking arm-

The fingers flexed when it tried them, the wrist rolled, the plates moved. He bent it at the elbow and marveled at how light and easy it was to move. It didn’t look too dissimilar from HYDRA’s fist, but it was obviously newer, more vibranium. It rolled the shoulder and watched the plates reset and settle- it was so light. 

“You just upgraded from a broken prius to a state of the art Stark invention- how’s it feel, full metal?” 

Stark was standing at the foot of his bed with a gleeful expression, rocking on his heels in excitement. So much like Howard and yet so unalike in so many ways. 

“Light” it said honestly. “Were there any complications?” 

He meant did it lash out but Stark was shaking his head “No, of course not! Stark technologies don’t do complications!”

“No, Buck, apart from you passing out at the connection everything went as planned” Steve put his other hand on the Asset- on Bucky’s- on the soldier’s shoulder. 

“Good” it replied with a sigh. “Next time, just knock me out, Stevie” 

He rested his head back against the propped up medical table and took a deep breath. Whatever Bucky Barnes had been remembering had been confusing and flustering, better than anything the Asset would’ve thought of though. 

Steve’s whole body flooded with relief as he rubbed the brunet’s shoulder. That had admittedly gone better than they had thought it would but it still had taken some toll on Bucky, he looked confused and exhausted, but at least the arm was on. Stark had been concerned for Cho’s safety at the start of all this and Steve had done his best not to feel offended on Bucky’s behalf when Tony asked if Barnes was about to lock up and choke them out. Cho had excused herself once the surgery was done anyways, saying she would swing by the apartment in a week but she was on call if they needed anything. 

“Did Lady Jane give me a uniform?” Bucky frowned, opening his eyes again to look dead at Steve. 

Steve wondered who the hell he was talking about, scientist Jane? Jane Foster? “Who- wait”

“The lady, in Park Slope” had that been where Bucky had been when he voided out just now? “She gave me a uniform, did you ever see me in it?” 

“Oh- oh!” Steve realised and as soon as he did he began to blush, much to the curiosity of Stark. “Yeah- I mean, once- but Bucky, I don’t know if you wanna talk about it here” 

“What?!” Tony said all dramatic “But I wanna know what’s got you all red in the face? Who’s Lady Jane?”

Bucky had cocked his head in confusion but said “Okay, Steve” 

“Goddammit, Rogers.” Stark grumbled “He was about to say something juicy, wasn’t he?”

Steve could only feel the blush getting worse. Bucky had gone this long without telling anyone, or at least Steve didn’t think he’d told anyone, Steve didn’t want him waking up from surgery and spilling his secrets without even realising what he was doing. And it wasn’t even a uniform really, a strip of purple ribbon did not count as a uniform. 

Stark had Bucky do a few exercises once he was fully lucid to test out the arm’s mobility. He was still overcompensating for the old weight. 

“It’s so light…”

“Yeah, it's like 75% vibranium now, a lot less drag. You’ll get used to it” Tony had slapped it on the metal shoulder and grinned. 

“Thank you, Stark” Bucky had said earnestly, still in quiet awe over the arm. 

Tony couldn’t do genuine emotion, so he skipped over to Steve “Right, you’re all good to go for now. I’ve got my scans, but I might want more. But scarper, get lost, begone-”

Steve laughed “Alright, got it. Thanks again, Tony, I mean it-”

“Eh, beat it, I got stuff to do” and he shooed the two soldiers out. 

As they left Bucky kept his eyes on the arm, watching the way the plates rippled and moved into place as he moved his fingers. As they walked down the hallway he was so intrigued by the arm he couldn’t walk in a straight line and Steve had to tug him out of the way of stuff twice. Steve got them in the elevator and hit the button for their floor. 

“I still wouldn’t call that a uniform” Steve muttered, thinking Bucky was too lost in his own head to hear him.

“That’s what she called it” the brunet’s head snapped up and he was smirking , Bucky’s eyes didn’t even look as bright as they normally did, more like steel as they made contact with Steve’s baby blues. His tone of voice, he sounded like Bucky. 

“You can’t class that as a uniform, Buck!” Steve snorted, a rush of excitement running through him. 

“Jane did, and you knew exactly what I meant when I mentioned it, so it's a uniform” still smirking Bucky leaned back against the elevator wall “You saw me in that?” 

The blond’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, the heat creeping up his neck told him he was blushing and a glance in the reflective metal walls of the elevator only confirmed that. 

“I mean- yeah-” 

“Did you follow me to work?” Bucky laughed at Steve’s offended look. 

“No!” The elevator doors opened and Steve hastily got them to the apartment while Bucky laughed at him some more. It was a sound he had been dying to hear for years but he couldn’t believe this is what was causing it. “Get in here, dumbass” he said once he had the door unlocked. 

“You never followed me to work? You followed me to Jane’s” Bucky asked as Steve closed the door behind them. 

Steve watched as Bucky moved across the apartment, seemingly more at ease, more himself- like Bucky Barnes, than Steve had seen in a long, long time. He was still turning his arm this way and that, inspecting every inch of it as he crossed the kitchen to sit down at the breakfast bar. Steve hadn’t been expecting this at all, he’d been expecting things to go so badly in all honesty. HYDRA had kept detailed reports on arm maintenance, removal and replacement, how it had all gone down. It’s why Steve knew they couldn’t do certain things, couldn’t offer restraints instead of paralysing him, couldn’t offer him something to bite down on during the connection. Steve hadn’t expected Bucky to ask for a paralytic but the nerve blocker was maybe the second best thing Cho could have offered, after knocking him out. 

“I didn’t follow you to work,” Steve couldn’t believe Bucky thought he would “I would never do that!”

Steve put the coffee pot on and grabbed a couple of mugs, hoping the small task would take his mind off blushing.

“Then how come you saw me in it? Wasn’t that reserved for private clientele?” 

Steve snorted “We lived together-”

“I was not wearing that around the apartment”

The blond leaned back against the counter as he waited for the coffee to brew. The Soldier sat on the barstool and finally turned its attention from the arm back to its Captain. Who was red in the face, was he embarrassing Steve? Steve always had been a bit of a prude, too bashful to look a gal in the eye- that’s what made this so unbelievable. There was no way Steve saw him in that ‘uniform’

“Well, you, uh, showed me” Steve shrugged and dropped his face trying to hide how red he was going “You told me all of Jane’s boys had to wear a uniform an’ I wanted to see…”

“I wish I could remember that…” the Soldier frowned a little, that wasn’t fair, how come he couldn’t see Steve’s face when he finally saw Bucky in that. His face would have been so red. 

Just purple ribbons. 

Steve shook his head with a rueful smile as he handed the Soldier a cup of hot coffee “If you ever do, let me know”

When Steve got up the next morning Bucky was already up, his eyes were bright but the dark circles under his eyes told Steve he hadn’t slept. His back was stiff and straight and there were small blood stains bleeding through his sleep shirt on his left shoulder. He didn’t seem much like Bucky, eyes void and blank as Steve had patched his shoulder up, his voice cold and flat as he admitted to digging his fingers into the seam during the night.