Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kain wandered the ramparts of Baron castle, his mind in turmoil, as it usually was. His mouth twisted in a sardonic smile as he realized, once more, that he was the definition of an angsty teenager, in love with his own misery. 

And that misery had a name: Cecil Harvey.

The whole of the Dragoon corps thought that his heart laid with Rosa, his childhood friend. And perhaps it did; his heart was already broken, why should it not be split between the two people closest to him? The two people he loved the most. The two people for whom he wanted just as much misery as he felt. 

Angrily, he shook his head, as if trying to shake the thought away. No. He did not wish this misery on them. And it didn’t matter, because they were happy together, regardless of what Kain wanted for them. 

He looked up at the pitch-black sky, searching for the moons’ out lines. Both of them were new, completely dark, which only happened extremely rarely. Some said that it meant the night was lucky; the last time the night sky had been so dark, lit only by the infinite stars swirling above them, was hundreds of years ago. 

If the night were lucky, he thought bitterly, he wouldn’t be alone right now.

As if the universe was listening, a soft voice called his name. He turned abruptly, surprised. “Rosa. What are you doing up here? It’s late and dark; you could trip and fall.”

“So could you,” Rosa replied with a hesitant smile. Kain returned it, just as hesitant, unsure of himself. She wasn’t the one he wanted the universe to deliver to him. 

But she was the one he got; he may as well make the most of it. He relaxed as he spoke. “Perhaps, but I know these ramparts like I would know my childhood home. You’re not up here nearly as much as I-“

“You would think that, wouldn’t you?” Rosa came up beside him and leaned on the rampart wall, looking out across the short distance to Baron city. “You’d be wrong,” she remarked, amused, “but you would think that.”

“I’m wrong?” Kain arched an eyebrow.

“You’re wrong.”

“What business could a white mage possibly have up here?”

“I imagine the same as you.”

“Brooding?”

Rosa gave a startled laugh, looking at him with a wide smile. “I didn’t realize you were so self-aware.”

Kain snorted, leaning on the wall beside her. “If you think this is how I want to spend my time, you don’t know me very well at all.”

“I know you’d rather be doing something else,” Rosa said, her voice kind. “That’s why I came up here tonight.”

“You came up here to harass me into doing something more productive than brooding.” Kain’s voice was dry as the Damcyan desert during a drought. 

Rosa giggled a little bit. “Maybe to do a bit of brooding of my own.”

In a desperate gambit to get her to leave it alone, Kain said, “Brooding of your own? What’s on your mind?”

The white mage’s gaze went out over the distance again. “Cecil,” she said softly. Kain quirked an eyebrow, ignoring how the name sent a sharp lance of pain through his soul. “I love him. I do. But…”

“But what?” Kain asked softly, his voice tense. 

She gave him a look. “You know very well what that ‘but’ is.” 

His heartbeat quickened at the implication. “I’m afraid I don’t.”

“Liar.” The invective had far less bite than Kain supposed he deserved. She looked at him thoughtfully. “You know… You might be the lucky one between the two of us.”

“What in the world?” Kain spluttered. “In what universe does watching my best friend and dearest love be happy without a thought to me-“

“So you do know what that ‘but’ is.” She looked distant. “I don’t blame you, Kain. You should know that. He’s handsome, kind, gentle… But both of us are in the same conundrum you are, and you’re not entangled with one of us.” Her gaze sharpened abruptly. “I’m begging you, for your sake, keep it that way. Neither of us are worth the heartache.” 

“You don’t even know who I speak of when I say ‘dearest love,’” Kain accused.

She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, Kain, I’m as much of a mess as Cecil is. You don’t want to deal with me, either, I promise-“

“Rosa,” he said, his voice taking on a gentle quality he reserved for her. Only her. “I’ve been dealing with you for as long as I can remember. I promise you, I can handle you.”

A faint blush he could barely see spread on her cheeks. “Am I the dearest love?’” she asked softly.

“… I don’t know. What if you are?” 

She heaved a sigh, reached out, and patted his arm. “My answer remains the same. You don’t want to deal with me—or him—in a romantic context. You just don’t.”

“Are you two unhappy with each other?” Kain asked, mystified. He could not fathom what could possibly be so wrong that she would speak like this about Cecil. They seemed to be so in love, it was almost sickening.

Rosa patted his arm again. “We’re not… unhappy, per se,” she said haltingly. “We… disagree about his life choices.”

“Are you telling me that you would give him up-“

“Not for the world,” Rosa said, a bit sharply. Then she deflated. “But he’s talking about breaking off the engagement now. Saying I would be happier with someone not dedicating his life to darkness and hatred.” She looked up at Kain. “Someone like you.”

Now it was Kain’s turn to give a surprised laugh. “He doesn’t know me very well, then,” he said bitterly. “You’d never be happy with me. At least you love him.”

Kain wasn’t sure what he was expecting of that comment. A protest that she loved him, just not the way Cecil was assuming; a protest that he was a catch in his own right; even a contradiction, telling him that in other circumstances, she could see them together. He was met with thoughtful silence instead. 

When she finally spoke, it was to change the subject. “My point is that we don’t have the fairy tale love that most everyone in the castle thinks we have. That you seem to think we have.” She smiled at him. “Regardless of which of us is your ‘dearest love,’ we’re flawed, Kain. You may not believe this, but being with me, or him, won’t make you happy. That needs to come from within you.” Her smile faded. “Just like Cecil’s happiness needs to come from within him. I can’t compete with his misery. We wouldn‘t be able to compete with yours.“

“And your misery?” he asked softly. “You’re not happy with him. You just told me you weren’t. Don’t you deserve to be with someone who can dedicate themselves to you without needing to compete with anything for their affection?”

“I do.” Rosa’s voice was firm. “But that’s not what I have.” She paused. “Do you understand what I’m saying, Kain?” 

He nodded slowly, taking a shuddering breath. “I think I do. Thank you, Rosa. I hope this talk has helped you, too.”

She returned his nod. “It doesn’t make it easier… but perhaps you’re right, in the end. Perhaps you’re both right.” 

Kain’s already broken heart broke a little more. “I didn’t mean to come between you.”

“You didn’t. The truth you spoke did.” Rosa took his hand and squeezed it before letting it go. “Things have a habit of rectifying themselves in the end. Don’t think on any responsibility you feel you have for what will happen. I love Cecil, with all my heart—with every part of my very being. But if he feels we’re better apart… then maybe we are.”

“Do not break up with him to make space for me,” Kain said sternly.

She gave him a shrewd look, a playful glint in her eyes, and said, in a tone he would only ever tolerate from her, “Get over yourself, Kain. If I can’t have him, neither can you.” As he bristled, she grinned, and said in a more reasonable voice, “I’m not breaking up with him at all, let alone to make space for another man. I’m perfectly aware you wouldn’t make a move. You’d wait until we were over each other, and then you’d wait some more. You’d probably wait until it was too late again, to be honest.”

Kain flushed, looking away. “You’re probably right,” he muttered. “It’s cold up here, Rosa, and your outfit leaves little to the wind’s imagination. Go and put something warmer on, at least.”

Rosa huffed. “You’re lucky I love you. Otherwise you’d have my handprint across your face right now.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know you didn’t. Hence the restraint.” Her voice was far less stern than her words. She stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek. “But it is indeed cold up here, so I think I’ll go take your advice. Don’t stay up here too long, or I’ll be back up to chase you back to your room.”

“Yes ma’am.” 

Satisfied with that, Rosa left him alone, retreating back the way he came. He turned his face to the cold, bracing wind, letting it cool the embarrassment from his cheeks. So Cecil didn’t have the perfectly balanced personality that he liked to portray, and, as Rosa had put it, he didn’t have the fairy tale romance many in Baron admired and envied them for. Kain had wished that he had that fairy tale romance. And he still didn’t know if he wanted to be with Cecil, or be him. 

But it was comforting to know that Cecil was a flesh and blood human, not an ethereal being who was untouchable. That conversation with Rosa, although grim, had helped. He felt better about his position with them now.

Marginally.

The wind whispered to him, caressing his face like a lover, and he smiled. The wind would always be there for him. As alive as he felt with Cecil and Rosa, being alone with the wind was electrifying. He almost felt that he could reach out and caress the wind in return. 

Silly.

He smiled at his own flightiness, and followed Rosa back into the castle. The cold didn’t bother him, but the wind whispered to him that it was time to rest. And he thought that perhaps he could do so with a clear mind for once.