Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Don’t let that gap between you grow another inch.”

When he approached Brad for the autograph for his son, he hadn't expected the conversation to have left him spiraling for hours after his shift. He had expected Brad to maybe have given him shit for what he said about Hotshots, maybe even to have said no entirely to an autograph. What he didn't expect was when he brought up his son to then pour his feelings out about his son to this man who had been a consistent nuisance to the 118. It was even more unexpected that Brad replied back with a similar story and oddly sage advice. The estranged kid wasn’t surprising at all, if anything he’s surprised it’s just the one. What left him reeling was the advice.

“Don’t let that gap between you grow another inch.”

Eddie had been sitting at his table for hours after his shift had ended. He had planned to be somewhat productive, maybe do some cleaning, a little bit of cooking, maybe even try to talk to Chris again, but that was clearly not going to happen. He felt paralyzed thinking about what he should do to mend the gap between him and Chris that had only seemed to widen with time. 

Eddie knew that he had let the situation go on far longer than it ever should have. 

Realistically he never should have let Chris go in the first place, but Eddie let his own shame and his parents’ meddling override his common sense. He knew deep down that Chris leaving wouldn’t fix the damage he’d done and Chris was perfectly capable of being angry in his room at home in LA. But there was a part of him that feared that keeping his son here when his parents were more than willing and able to take care of him would only build resentment. If he was being honest with himself there was a part of him that wondered if he even deserved to be around Chris after what he’s done. That was unfortunately the only voice he listened to when he let Chris go.

He understood why he didn’t leave to go get Chris at first. Eddie had not been at all in a fit state to talk to let alone care for Chris in those first weeks. For the first couple of days after Chris left, more accurately taken by his parents eagerly, Eddie could barely even register he was gone, caught up in trying to come to terms with whatever the hell happened with Kim. Chris being gone felt unreal and Eddie felt like he was in a perpetual catatonic state not talking, not eating, not crying, nothing. Then one day when Eddie walked past Chris’s door and turned to see the obviously empty room, it hit Eddie like a freight train what exactly he had lost.  Eddie remembered breaking down sobbing in the doorway wondering how the hell he was ever going to be able to look at Chris again without the shame and guilt crushing him into nothing. It felt like hours before he was able to pick himself off the floor, throat raw, eyes red, and clothes disheveled. Eddie made sure to always keep Christopher's door closed since.

It had taken even longer after his breakdown before he was able to pick up the phone and talk to Chris for more than a quick check-in. During each of those initial calls, Chris was understandably cold. He answered most of his questions in single words and refused to give Eddie more information than he needed. The first time Chris had hung up on Eddie when he called midway through an “I love you, be safe,” Eddie was hurt but the more it happened, the more he got used to it. 

After each call, Eddie contemplated how he could get Chris to come home. Every scenario he could envision began with Eddie going to Texas. Whether it was alone or with Buck, he knew that he needed to be the one to go to Chris. Calls weren’t going to fix the situation and Eddie needed to be able to talk to Chris without being hung up on and without his parents’ interference. He pictured dragging Chris back home kicking and screaming not saying a word until they got back home. He imagined showing up to his parents’ doorstep begging and pleading for Chris to forgive him and to come home. He thought very briefly about having Buck help him make his case but he knew that ultimately it was his problem to fix. At the end of the day, he knew that how he approached bringing Chris back mattered far less than just actually making the effort to reach him but his indecision killed him. Because as call after call passed, while Chris became less hostile the gap between them seemed to only grow more and more until it felt like that chasm could never be crossed. 

Eddie had tried so hard to not further ruin his relationship with Chris by forcing him to talk and be with him in the ways that his parents did. He had been so fixated on not severing their relationship that he failed to consider that it could shrivel up and die all on its own. He fought so hard to not become his father but each day that passed he felt he couldn’t escape the shadow Ramon left behind.

Eddie opened and closed his iPad looking at his most recent FaceTime calls trying to work up the will to talk to someone — anyone — about his feelings about this. He had the missed calls to Chris which if he thought about for more than three seconds he might be reduced back down to his first Christopher-less weeks. He had the brief, but painful, calls with his parents where they did their best to avoid any of Eddie’s questions about Chris. Lastly, he had his many calls with Buck. 

There were the ones after each failed call with Chris when he just wanted to hear a friendly voice and Buck was the only one who could understand what Eddie was going through. There were the calls where Buck needed someone to desperately prevent him from doing something stupid, reaching out to Tommy. There were the drowsy calls they had after working a long shift when neither person wanted to be alone but lacked the energy to drive to the other’s place, happy to joke around on FaceTime instead. These calls were the few positive conversations Eddie had anymore these days. Whether it was Buck rambling on the phone about whatever Wikipedia spiral he went down that day or whatever new baking technique he tried, talking to Buck was like a shot of sunshine straight into his veins. It didn't matter that Eddie couldn't tell Buck what was going through his head. It didn't matter if Eddie was just acting as a placeholder for Buck’s most recent relationship. His days were made infinitely better when he could see his face and hear his laugh.

Eddie’s thumb hovered over the call button to Buck but he couldn’t bring himself to press it. Buck had tried to ask about Chris in the past couple of months, but when Eddie could barely choke out a few words, Buck backed off. He had a feeling that Buck also told the rest of their friends at the 118 to back off because the questions about Chris from them became less frequent. The questions were replaced instead by well-wishes and reminders that they were always free to talk. In Bobby’s case, he offered to introduce him to his priest if he wants someone to talk to that isn’t a therapist or a friend. An offer that Eddie eventually took him up on.

Eddie knew that Buck still talked to Chris, that the two of them still texted even if it was far less frequently than before. He could tell by the look on Buck’s face he had sometimes when his phone would flash and Buck would see who the sender was. Eddie never asked about Buck’s texts with Chris not wanting to take away a safe place to talk and vent from Chris or negatively impacting Buck’s relationship with him. Eddie knew that Buck was also hurting, that he was desperate to talk to Eddie about Chris being gone for so long. But Eddie also knew that Buck would put Eddie’s and Chris’s feelings first and that Buck would never force Eddie to talk about Chris when he was so clearly distraught any time he was brought up. Eddie knew that he should talk to Buck. He knew that Buck wouldn’t judge him. He knew that calling would help both of them better cope with Chris leaving and maybe even come up with a plan to get Chris home. Even with that knowledge, how could Eddie ever talk to Buck about what he’s done? 

While his friends have some idea of what happened; Chris, his parents, and Buck are the only ones who knew the full extent of what he did. Chris and his parents already hated him for what he did, he couldn’t bear to see or hear that same hatred from Buck. 

It had become harder and harder to even meet Buck’s eyes when he talked to him, let alone to address what made Chris leave in the first place. How could Eddie begin to talk to Buck about the son (their son) that he drove away? So Eddie didn’t bring Chris up and neither did Buck and both of them suffered in silence. 

Eddie took one last look at Buck’s name before closing out of FaceTime and putting the iPad down. Eddie was right where he was when he began wondering how he could repair his relationship if he couldn’t turn to Buck and if Chris was still unwilling to come back to LA.

For years Eddie had argued back when his parents told him he'd better off home in El Paso where they can help with Chris, but as more time has gone on Eddie wondered if they were right. What had he really built up in LA? He had so many dreams of what he would find when he moved here. A completed family, friends, a loving home were what he aspired to but all he has now are dusty rooms and missed phone calls. He had the 118 but at the end of the day they had their own families to go home to. They had siblings, kids, and partners while his kid was hundreds of miles away with parents who barely tolerated him. 

What was he really asking Chris to come back to? While Eddie had grown to love living in LA, what did it mean for Christopher? The city where he lost one parent and repeatedly almost lost the other? The city where he himself almost died in a tsunami with his best friend? In El Paso, Chris had grandparents, friends, he was swimming, and now he had chess. While Chris had only been gone for a couple of months, it seemed that he already built an entirely new life in Texas. For Eddie, LA had been a fresh start, an escape from his chaotic home life. Maybe, El Paso was for Chris what LA was for Eddie and Eddie would hate to rip Christopher from that. However, Eddie would hate even more to be completely out of Chris’s life.

For the first time in years, Eddie contemplated living in El Paso and what his life was like before. While many of Eddie’s worst memories were associated with El Paso, there would always be a part of him that would miss his old home. While the heat in LA was a familiar comfort to Eddie, it was always too dry, too searing. The heat of El Paso would cling and embrace you and on late summer nights would lull you easily to sleep. It was a while before Eddie learned how to sleep in LA without layering blanket after blanket trying to recreate what he knew best. While there were plenty of bakeries and restaurants in LA that he loved, he would always miss the places he would go to as a child. He was never close with parents, but he did miss living near the rest of his family. He hadn’t seen either of his sisters in years. He wondered how university was going for Adriana, if she still wanted to go into journalism. He wondered if Sophia was still working in the same hospital. He wondered if she ever went back to school to become a nurse practitioner after having her second kid. 

Eddie hadn’t just missed out on Chris’s life, what about the rest of his family? He hadn’t talked to his sisters, his cousins, or any of his tíos or tías for more than a couple of minutes in the past couple of years. He could still be a firefighter in El Paso, he would just be closer to family and would be able to reconnect with Chris on his own time without having to force it with a job back in LA. As a firefighter, he’d be able to afford better housing and he would have more financial freedom from his parents than he did the last time he lived in El Paso. The 118 – they would be sad but they would be perfectly fine without him. 

Moving to LA will always have been one of Eddie’s best choices but what was he sacrificing by staying? How many breakdowns, how many failed relationships, how many times would he be left in LA before he realized that he wasn’t meant to be here? How many times would he drag down those he loves around him before he realizes it’s enough and he needs to change?

In that moment, a wave of resolve washed over him. He knew exactly what he could do to fix what he broke. Even if it made him miserable. He pulled up Homes.com and grabbed his phone to start making some phone calls.