Chapter Text
Abel
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Drowning,
That's all he ever did was drown.
Drown, drown, drown.
Trapped he was utterly indirectly trapped
Trapped, trapped, trapped.
And the worst of all was he was alone horribley
Alone, alone, alone.
He was drowning in the drugs in the need and the hungriness for fame, or atleast to make something of himself for his people.
He was trapped in party after party. In the groupies that surrounded him in this goddamn house full of balloons. And perhaps also the lure of drugs but no, he was drowning more so in them then trapped. If he really wanted to he could get out of them, but in no world could he imagine ever having the strength to do so.
And last he was alone since that day he lost her, rather left her, he lost it all. His life had been going down ever since without her his baby, his lonely star. The only one who made everything bearable
So here he was in an endless void
Of drowning
Of being trapped
And being alone
And he wanted out but once again he didn't have the will to find the key.
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The world began to spin as I popped a Xanax they had always helped me sleep or atleast get some form of sleep, I didn't know what to call it these days. I stumbled to the mattress on the floor a particular balloon hitting me in the face as I fell.
There was a girl underneath me I could feel it but I kept my eyes closed wanting to imagine it was her, but no it couldn't be it was never the same as it once was.
I would know if it was her I could never truly pretend she was someone else. She was too perfect to do that, and it didn't help that over the years I had rembered every little curve and line of her body. It didn't matter how many years went by I'd remember it no matter what, I could be one hundred and just by one simple touch I'd know it was her. If I even came close to living that long it wasn't hard to doubt I'd never even come close to that age.
It wasn't long before I felt my body powering off still keeping my eyes closed I rolled off the girl onto the other side of the mattress my body relaxing further as I fell into a Xanax induced sleep knocking me right out.
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Many years before....
It was my first day of 8th grade and I didn't want to be here,
Fuck I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be breathing.
I had already smoked 3 cigarettes this morning so it wouldn't be too long before my lungs stopped all together
It was still quite warm in Toronto but the early mornings were cold. I leaned my forehead on the frosted over glass of the school bus counting down the minutes as house by house went by.
I watched as the red stop sign went out on the side of the bus flashing red as the bus stopped at its next stop. I didn't even bother to look who was getting on as I would no doubt be seeing them throughout these next few years, not that I was sure I'd ever talk to them.
A few moments went by of loud chatter that I had already been drowning out this whole time and only when I felt a small tap on my shoulder did I remove my head from the cold window to see who it was.
Just to find the most prettiest girl I'd ever seen standing before me with this beautiful wavy brown hair and big brown eyes with small gold hoops in her ears oh and a summer tan that she definitely didn't get in Canada. No fuck not prettiest...the most beautiful yes that was the right word. She was saying something that I didn't quite hear as the world around me finally began to stir back to life as I got out of my head.
"What?" I said my palms sweating "I was just asking if I could sit with you" she gave me a big smile with her perfect teeth and the cutest dimples and I knew in that moment I was done for. I would never recover from this moment.
"Uh yeah sure" I grabbed my bag placing it on my lap making room for her, and fuck did she have balls my anxious self could never tap on a person's shoulder and ask to sit with them I think I'd rather stand and avoid the confrontation all together then do what she just did. To be honest no matter how easy it was for others to do what she just did I'd always admire someone for it.
"My name is Valerie" she gave me another one of those big toothy smiles "what's yours?" She asks probably already sensing that she'd be the one leading this conversation.
"Ah it's Abel....Abel Tesfaye..." I stiffened not sure if it was normal to say your last name when introducing yourself. "Oh well then my name is Valerie Anastasia" she laughed slightly "I'm new here....I came all the way down here from Montreal, how about you?" she added her leg kicking mine slightly as if to bring me back to earth.
"Oh....I've lived here...in y'know Toronto all my life...ah born and raised you could say" I managed. "Oh well then I guess your going to have to show me around Abel Tesfaye" she spoke and not once did she stop grinning not even as the bus came to a stop as we reached our school. As she stood up with her bag she looked at me once more.
"That's hint for I want you to be my friend" she whispered telling me directly this time "oh...uh okay I'll be your friend...uh Valerie" I bit my lip.
"Good I'll see you around Abel Tesfaye." She gave me one more smile before walking down the rows of seats to get off the bus. I shut my eyes for a moment letting out a sigh of relief that I'd no longer have to make a fool out of my self. Once I opened them up again everyone that was once on the bus was off.
As I got off the bus I knew I would never be the same again. It didn't matter if I'd barely even talked to her or that I made a complete fool out of myself she would be the only thing I could think of for the rest of eternity and for some odd reason I wasn't sure I minded.
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I let out a sharp breath as I stirred away, far away from the haunting dream. Away from the memories I'd never be able to stop from coming.
I finally opened my eyes my vision still blurry from the lingering effects of the Xanax.
As I became more aware I wanted to think the girl cuddled into my body was Valerie once more but I knew it wasn't and I hated it.
I hated myself for ruining everything like I always did.
I let out another sharp breath as I detached myself from the girl as I crawled off the mattress my vision still blurred as I stumbled for my suitcase, reaching around tossing pill bottles and clothes all my possessions till I found it. I had many possessions from my good life but I had left a lot of it when I ran away but this little piece was the only thing I brought.
An intricate locket that was gold because Valerie only ever wore gold, with our initials on it. I opened up the locket with shaky hands to find a picture of us arms around each other smiling. Her giving me one of those impressive toothy smiles from the dream. I sighed taking a deep breath before closing it back up.
There was a small dent on the outside that I had tired to fix many times before.
A dent from the day I broke her heart outside of school when she took off the locket and threw it at my face after I broke the news to her that I was dropping out running away and leaving her.
Not that I wanted to but I knew I couldn't drag her down with me. I promised her I'd come find her again when I was ready when I made something out of myself. When I became the man she deserved.
And she didn't believe me and she had every right to as I didn't even believe myself.
I let out a groan as I safely placed the locket back in my suitcase and covered my face with my hands as the Xanax began to wear off and I let myself feel for once as I cried. These small moments were the only moments I let myself feel nowadays and only for her.
Because I was
Drowning
I was trapped
And I was alone.
Why My Valerie why did I do this?
Why did I ruin everything you built up?