Chapter Text
It still didn't feel real.
Arisu knew the facts. A meteor had exploded over Tokyo. Shibuya had all but been destroyed and hundreds were dead. His best friends were dead. He had been dead, his heart stopped for a full minute until the emergency medical team had managed to bring him back. He knew the facts but coming to terms with them was something else altogether.
It had been a lot to process, too much to fully wrap his head around, and that was before he had even remembered the Borderlands.
The memories had started to trickle in after a few days. At first he had written them off as trauma-induced nightmares. They were weird, sure- images of playing cards and an overgrown Shibuya and horses with machine guns- but that was probably to be expected after surviving something like he had. It would probably be more concerning if he didn't wake up screaming at least twice a night.
But then he had met Usagi.
They'd hit it off immediately and had already made plans for a date once they had been released from hospital. She'd felt somewhat familiar the first time he had spoken to her by the hospital vending machines, in an odd, indefinable, deja vu kind of way, but he hadn't thought all that much of it. It was probably just one more odd thing his brain had started to do after the disaster, or perhaps he had spotted her at Shibuya that day and some part of his subconscious recognised her. Either way, it was more than likely nothing.
But then she'd started turning up in his dreams and then the dreams had started bleeding into his waking hours too, odd flashes prompted by seemingly random things- a smartphone, a dish of pills offered to him by a doctor in a white coat, a magazine spread about a rock band who had recently passed away. They grew more and more frequent, more details staying with him each time he woke up, and he started to wonder if maybe there was something more to it after all.
For the next day or two he began taking rigorous notes, everything he had remembered so far. He didn't have many names, aside from Usagi, so most of the people in his notes were just descriptions.
The woman with the dreadlocks and the bikini and the one with sunglasses and red lipstick.
The man with the piercings who sometimes appeared covered head to toe in scars.
The girl with the bow and the prosthetic leg.
The man with the blond hair and clever, cat-like eyes.
At the end of the second day he met Usagi in the hospital cafeteria and slid the notebook across the table to her.
"I... This is probably going to sound crazy but can you look at this for me?"
Usagi frowned, confused. "What is it?"
He took a deep breath. "If I'm right, you'll know what it is. If not..." He shrugged, smiling ruefully. "Either I've had the most vivid coma dream ever or I'm going crazy."
She eyed him for a moment longer before opening the notebook, flicking through the pages. Her eyes widened.
"You remember?"
"Do you?" he asked, unable to keep the anticipation from his voice.
She nodded. "It took a while to come back to me."
"I think I'm still only part of the way there. There's gaps, like names. I don't remember any names. Except yours, obviously."
"I can help you." Usagi turned to the page with the list of descriptions and pointed. "That's Kuina, remember? And Ann. Niragi. Heiya. And-"
"Chishiya," he interrupted. "That's Chishiya."
He blinked a few times, processing the sudden fresh surge of memories that Usagi's reminder had brought on as the pieces finally fell into place.
The games.
The Beach.
The Borderlands.
"Arisu?" Usagi's voice dragged him back to the present. "Are you okay?"
He nodded slowly, still disorientated. "I remember. I... That was real? All of it?"
"That was real," Usagi said softly. "We made it, Arisu. We survived."
He laughed, a sound more of shock than amusement. "I really thought I might have been losing my mind." He paused, thinking. "What about the others? Have you seen them?"
She shook her head, anxiously chewing the inside of her cheek. "Not since King of Spades. They must have made it though, mustn't they? They'll be okay."
"Maybe we could find them," Arisu suggested. "I mean, they'd have most likely ended up here if they survived the meteor, right? Perhaps if we ask around someone will know. Kuina and Chishiya are both pretty distinctive looking. Surely someone would remember if they'd seen them."
He stood but Usagi caught his hand before he could walk away, a soft look in her eyes.
"Arisu... I just wanted to say thank you, for everything. I'm so glad I found you again."
He smiled back, pulling her into a quick hug before stepping back. "You really don't need to thank me. You're the one who saved me." He cleared his throat, breaking eye contact. "Come on. We can make a start with the search tonight. It's not too late yet."
As it turned out, finding the others was a lot more straightforward than Arisu had expected, curtesy of the poster that appeared a day later in the cafeteria for a support group for survivors of the disaster. The moment they had walked in the door, a familiar figure had hurried towards them, a wide smile on her face and her dreadlocks swaying behind her.
"You made it!" Kuina exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck without hesitation. Before Arisu could even react she had moved on to Usagi, embracing her with just as much enthusiasm. "I mean, of course you did. Who else would have cleared the last game?"
Arisu grinned, somehow even more relieved than he would have expected to see her up and smiling, a striking contrast to how he had last seen her, bleeding out in an alley with a dozen knife wounds in her stomach. "You're alright?"
"Battered and bruised but I'm okay." She lifted the hem of her scrub top, revealing the edge of a thick swathe of bandages. "Waiting for this to heal is a bitch though."
Arisu winced sympathetically. "I bet."
"Have you seen any of the others?" Usagi asked. "We tried asking around but no luck."
"They're mostly here." She jerked her head back, indicating a little group gathered by the opposite wall- Ann, Aguni and Heiya. "Ann actually organised this whole thing. She thought it would be a good way to bring us all together." A slight flush appeared on her cheeks. "And she said she wanted to know if I was okay."
"So we all made it?" Arisu asked, unable to believe what he was hearing. "Even with the King of Spades, everyone's okay?"
Kuina's smile faded and she looked away. Arisu's heart sank as he saw her eyes grow glossy, her lips pressed together tightly.
"Kuina?"
Finally she looked back to them, her voice incredibly quiet when she spoke. "Not quite."
***
The ward she led him to was quiet aside from the low hum and beep of machinery and the occasional doctor passing through, checking readings. Usagi had stayed downstairs, catching up with a woman she recognised from another game.
"I convinced a nurse to tell me where he was," Kuina said in a hushed voice as they walked between the rows of beds. "I wanted to find all of you, obviously, but I hadn't seen him since the second stage began. I had to know."
She stopped beside one of the beds, lowering herself to sit in the plastic chair left for visitors beside it. She had a small, sad smile on her face as she looked at the figure lying in it for a moment before she reached out, carefully taking Chishiya's nearest hand into hers. His fingers were limp as she gently squeezed them before resting their joined hands back on the bed.
"Hey Shiya. Me again. And Arisu came to see you today too." She glanced back over her shoulder to him. "The doctors said talking to him might help. I'm not really sure if they just mean it'll make me feel better to be doing something but..."
He took a step closer, unsure what exactly he was supposed to say. It felt wrong to see Chishiya like this. He'd always had such a presence in a room back in the Borderlands but lying there in the bed, surrounded by wires and tubes and machinery, he looked so small and vulnerable.
"Hi Chishiya."
Kuina looked back to her unconscious friend.
"He hasn't changed since his heart started again." Her voice was dull, hollow. "He isn't the only one who went into a coma after being brought back- I think we all did for a day or two- but the rest of us... Ann woke up after four days. Aguni apparently took almost a week but Shiya..." She paused, swiping her free hand across her eyes. "It's been eleven days and nothing. I asked the doctors and they said they don't know how long it will take for him to wake up or if he will ever-"
Her voice cracked and she clamped a hand over her mouth as a sob escaped her throat, eyes screwed shut as tears spilt over her lashes and rolled down her cheeks. Arisu swallowed hard and crossed over to her, pulling her against his chest. She threw her arms around his neck, her dreadlocks brushing against his cheek as she sobbed into his shoulder.
"I never even got to say goodbye," she managed, her voice thick. "We just left him behind when the King of Spades attacked. Maybe if we'd gone back for him, or waited until he'd gotten into the car he would be-"
"It's not your fault," Arisu murmured.
She shook her head, still clinging to him. "You don't know that."
"I do." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I saw him, just before Usagi and I found you and Ann again. I told you, remember? He escaped before, when the second stage started and the King of Spades attacked. You don't need to blame yourself."
"Yeah. I remember. You told me you saw him and that he was fine." Her brow furrowed. "But if he was fine, why wasn't he with you? Where was he?"
"He..." He trailed off, glancing behind her at Chishiya, pale and still in the hospital bed, a sharp spike of guilt shooting through him.
Kuina reached out, clutching his arm, desperation shining in eyes still glossy with tears. "He was what? Arisu, please. Tell me."
He swallowed and when he spoke his voice was very soft, barely audible. "Niragi shot him. He was aiming for Usagi and Chishiya... He got between them. He saved her life."
"What?" Kuina's eyes were wide, fresh tears welling as she stared at him. "You told me he was fine."
"He was. I mean, he was hurt but he was still alive."
"Niragi shot him, Arisu! How could you possibly think he was fine?" she snapped, a dangerous edge of anger creeping into her voice.
"I tried. I... We put him somewhere safe, where the King of Spades couldn't find him. There was no time."
"So you just left him there? You lied to me and just left him to die alone, is that it?"
"No! Kuina, I'm sorry, really. I didn't want to leave him but the King was coming and... and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before. I should have told you the truth. I knew you'd been looking for him and how worried you were but with the King of Spades attacking I just thought... I thought if I told you then, it might distract you. I didn't want to see you get hurt too. I'm sorry."
"Are you? After what he did at the Beach?" she scoffed, shaking her head. "I doubt it."
She sniffed and turned away, sitting once more at Chishiya's side and reclaiming his hand.
"I'm so sorry, Shiya," she murmured, voice choked with tears. "I should have found you. I should have brought you back with me."
"He'll wake up," Arisu said with more confidence than he felt. "It's Chishiya. If anyone can find a way, he can."
Kuina glanced back at him, a kind of desperate hope in her gaze. "You really think so?"
"Yeah. He's a survivor. He wouldn't let himself be beaten that easily."
She looked away again, back to Chishiya's unmoving form. "I know he wasn't perfect. I know he could be cold or selfish and I know that what he did to you at the Beach was awful. But he was also funny and more caring than he wanted people to think, in his own way, and even with everything he did, he never let me down back there. Not once." She sniffed, clutching his hand tightly. "He's an arsehole but he's my best friend and I just... I miss him so much."
"I know." He paused, taking a step closer. "And for what it's worth I really am sorry, that I didn't tell you and that I couldn't do anything else to help him. I would have done, if I could. I didn't want to leave him like that. Whatever he did before, I don't think he was a bad person exactly. He was... complicated, maybe, but he saved Usagi. That says something, doesn't it?"
He didn't mention Chishiya's last words to him, what he may well have thought was his dying confession. Kuina may have been his best friend but that had been personal; it wasn't his place to decide whether or not she would hear it.
Kuina sighed, running her free hand over her face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's not your fault."
"It's okay. I understand. You care about him." He hesitated, biting his lip as he took in her tear-streaked cheeks and grief-striken expression, the gentle way she brushed stray hairs away from his face and rearranged his blankets. "I... You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but were you two... You know. More than friends?"
He wasn't sure exactly what he had expected in response to that question but it wasn't the burst of laughter that erupted from Kuina as she all but doubled over in her seat.
"You thought me and Shiya... God, no. Definitely not." She shook her head, brushing fresh tears from her eyes, although this time they were tears of laughter. "I hope he heard that. He'd think it was hilarious."
Arisu blinked, slightly bewildered by the strength of her reaction. "I just thought, you care so much about him and you two were always together at the Beach. Plus Chishiya's... I mean, objectively he's... nice-looking, so I thought maybe... It's not that crazy, is it?"
Kuina snorted softly. "You do realise that I'm gay, Arisu?"
"Oh."
"And believe me when I say Chishiya definitely isn't interested in me that way either."
"Oh. Right."
"Seriously, if- when he wakes up, you need to tell him that. I'm sure he'll be in need of a laugh."
"I will," he promised. He glanced back at Chishiya's still form once more. "He's going to wake up, Kuina. I'm sure of it."
***
Six weeks later
***
Arisu stared down at his coffee, trying to figure out how he had ended up here.
"Arisu?" Usagi's voice across the table was soft which somehow made it so much worse. "Arisu, are you listening to me?"
He nodded stiffly, dragging his gaze back up to meet hers. "I don't understand."
She sighed. "Arisu, it's been nearly two months since we came back and nothing has changed. I feel like I hardly even see you."
"We were at Kuina's for a movie night last week. And the week before that we all went for dinner."
"That's kind of the point, Arisu. We all went."
He frowned. "Don't you want to see the others?"
"Of course I do, but I want to see you too. We're supposed to be dating but when was the last time we did anything even vaguely romantic?" She paused, giving him the opportunity to give an answer they both knew he didn't have. "Arisu, I like you. You know that. And that's why I think it's best if we end things."
His eyes widened. "What?"
She smiled sadly. "I want you in my life, Arisu. You mean a lot to me and I literally wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you. But I think... I think if we keep trying to be something more, we won't be anything by the time we're done."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I would rather have you as a friend than push each other away completely." She reached across the table, taking his hand. "It's okay, Arisu. We'll be fine but I think this is for the best."
He shook his head, unable to believe what was happening. "But- what about everything we did? Everything we survived?"
"That's just it. I've been thinking about it and I keep wondering, if we hadn't been there, if we hadn't felt like every day could be our last, would we have ever ended up together in the first place? For a while, all we had was each other. Had that not been the case, if we'd met in a cafe or through friends or however people meet in normal life, would you have seen me that way?"
Of course. He knew that was what he should say and it was true, wasn't it? He'd never cared for a girl the way he cared for Usagi. He was sure of that. Somehow though, the words failed to come out.
She offered him a sad smile. "I thought so."
He finally found his voice. "Usagi... I'm sorry, okay? I can do better. It's just been a lot. Trying to find a job and thinking about university and..." Even as he said the words, a little voice at the back of his head questioned how true it was, if he really couldn't find time anywhere in his day. He decided to ignore it. "I really care about you. You know that, don't you?"
"I know. I know you'd never do anything to hurt me on purpose. But I think you need some time to work out how you actually feel."
His phone buzzed on the table between them. He picked it up, heart sinking when he read the message and saw the time.
16:47- Kuina: I'm on my way now, should be there in 15 mins. Meet you in reception
"I'm sorry, Usagi. I... I have to go. I'm supposed to be meeting Kuina at the hospital."
Her brow furrowed as she stared at him. "What?"
Kuina visited Chishiya three times a week. On Mondays she went alone but Ann accompanied her every Wednesday and Arisu joined her on Fridays. They'd take turns talking to him, telling him about their week and the other survivors they'd heard from, current affairs or pop culture gossip, their lives before the Borderlands- anything they could think of.
None of it made any difference though. No matter how often they visited, no matter how much they talked to him, Chishiya didn't open his eyes, didn't so much as move a muscle, and with each day that passed the possibility that he ever would grew smaller and smaller.
Usagi hadn't really understood why he felt the need to visit so often. Even with Chishiya's change of heart the last time they had spoken, he wasn't entirely sure he would describe the other man as a friend, certainly not a close one. He'd explained it away as wanting to support Kuina; it wasn't a secret that she was taking Chishiya's condition very hard, overwhelmed with grief and worry for her best friend.
The truth was there was more to it than that. No matter how much Kuina had reassured him that she didn't blame him and her outburst had come from a place of grief and not her true feelings, he just couldn't shake the feeling that it was his fault that Chishiya was there in that bed. He'd lost track of how many nights he'd lain awake, running through the events of that last day in his head, wondering if he could have done something differently- if he could have treated his wound somehow rather than just leaving him there, or maybe he could have shot Niragi sooner so he would never have been hurt so badly at all. Wondering if maybe he could have saved him.
The least he could do was visit him when he had as good as put him there in the first place.
He shrugged helplessly. "It's Friday. I'm already going to be late and I can't leave Kuina to visit him on her own. I'm sorry, I should have planned better. I just didn't realise that this conversation was going to be, well... this."
Usagi sighed. "It's okay, Arisu. I get it."
"I really am sorry." He exhaled slowly, running a hand through his hair. "It all seemed so much easier back in the hospital but getting out and going back to real life... Everything just seems to get so much more complicated."
It was hard to admit but it was true. He'd woken back up with such good intentions. It had felt like a fresh start, an opportunity to get his shit together and turn his life around. He was going to get a job and apply to university. His family actually seemed like they might care for the first time in years following his near-death experience. He had a love life for the first time ever and if all went to plan he might even have enough money after a few months of working to move out of his dad's house and get a place of his own.
Except it didn't go to plan. None of it did.
The dozens of job applications he sent off remained largely unanswered; apparently the demand for a twenty-four year old with work experience that could be counted in days rather than years and few achievements to his name outside of game rankings was not exactly high. And, of course, with no job there were no prospects of moving out any time soon. Nearly two months down the line and he was more or less exactly where he had started. His father and brother certainly seemed to think so; for a moment when he had told them his plans he had seen something like enthusiasm in their eyes, maybe even pride, but with every passing day where nothing changed he could see that fading. Now even his relationship with Usagi seemed to have fallen apart and he hadn't even noticed until it was too late.
Perhaps letting people down was all he was capable of.
Usagi's fingers brushed against his, gently taking hold of his hand and drawing him out of his thoughts.
"I know," she said softly. "I'm not angry with you, Arisu. I just think you need some time, to get everything else in order and to decide what you want. And if that turns out to be me then we can try again but if not then I can live with just being your friend. I just can't keep doing whatever this is. It needs to be one or the other because this isn't fair. Not to either of us."
He nodded numbly, a million things he wanted to say whirling round his head but none of them managing to make it out of his mouth.
"Okay." Usagi squeezed his hand before releasing him, leaning back in her seat. "You'd better get going. Say hi to Kuina for me." She hesitated before adding quietly. "And to Chishiya."
Usagi had only visited him once. She had stood silently at the end of his bed, staring at his prone form with conflicted eyes- the man indirectly responsible for one of the worst things to ever happen to her but who had also saved her life, who may even be in the state he was in because of what he had done for her. Eventually she had walked to his side, leaning down to squeeze his hand once and murmur, so softly Arisu almost hadn't been able to hear her.
"Thank you."
She had only waited for a moment longer before standing and leaving the room. Arisu often wondered if she felt as guilty as he did, knowing that bullet had been intended for her, but asking would mean admitting the weight on his own conscience and he wasn't sure if he was ready to voice those thoughts.
"I will." He stood, unsure if he should offer her a hug before leaving. "I'll call you later? To talk properly?"
She stayed in her seat. "Okay."
He nodded awkwardly. "Okay then." He turned to leave but paused, glancing over his shoulder. "I really am sorry."
Her lips twitched upwards slightly, her gaze painfully gentle. "I know, Arisu. I know."
Arisu still felt numb as he unlocked his bike outside the cafe, climbing onto the seat and pushing off on autopilot. He just couldn't understand how he had let this happen again, had let his life slip out of his control once more. This was supposed to be a new start and yet he felt just the same as he always did- useless. Karube and Chota had given up their lives to give him this second chance and here he was, blowing it.
He should have spoken up more in the cafe. Usagi was kind, she was caring, she was everything anyone could ever want in a girl. He didn't know what was wrong with him. So what if some of what she had said rang true, that he wasn't doing as much as he could and that they acted more like friends than lovers. He cared for her, he knew that, more than he ever had for a girl before. Surely that was enough; if it wasn't for all the other distractions in his life, they would be fine- he was sure of it.
He pushed down on the pedals harder, focusing on the burn in his legs and not on the relentless whirl of thoughts pummelling his brain. Get to the hospital, visit Chishiya, go home, make dinner, go to bed. Anything else- his life, his relationship or lack thereof- could wait until tomorrow. For today, he would just focus on right now and the fact that he was already horrendously late to meet Kuina.
Arisu was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice the car accelerating out of the side road until it collided with him. Pain exploded up his side and the world spun on its axis before he slammed onto the concrete of the road. He was vaguely aware of panicked shouts and footsteps running towards him but it all felt so distant, like something that was happening to someone else. His vision swam, drifting in and out of focus, and he was dimly aware of something wet sliding down the side of his face.
A face appeared in front of his, their eyes frantic and their mouth moving but the words were oddly indistinct, fuzzy like a sound heard underwater. His head ached, his eyelids so heavy they felt like they were made of lead. The face leaned a little closer, increasing panic clear in their expression, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to care, unable to respond if he wanted to.
The world drifted out of focus again, the sounds fading away into the distance and his vision dimming to nothing as the world finally went dark.