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"Your father... beautiful handwriting."
What a stupid fucking thing to say. They hadn't spent any time alone together on this hunt, but Sam was presumably still at the police station, leaving Cas to page through John's journal while Dean does research at the table. And the only thing he can say to him is to comment on his father's beautiful handwriting? Dean very nearly starts yelling.
But he doesn't. Because when he looks up, words laced with venom dancing on his tongue, he finds that the sight of Cas sitting casually on the bed in that ridiculous trenchcoat is one he had missed desperately. His heart aches in a way that it hasn't in a while. That feeling, the one Dean never elected to put a name to, bubbles up to the surface without his consent, boiling in his chest and making his breath stutter.
So he closes his mouth, remaining silent for a moment. The traces of frustration fizzle out, and he just watches Cas. The angel leafs through the pages of the journal with a reverance Dean has never used, like he respects the effort that John had put into it. He supposes it makes sense - his father was many things, but even Dean had to admit that his meticulous recording of events had saved their asses more than once.
And Cas is right. He did have beautiful handwriting.
Dean watches Cas for a few more moments, taking in the quiet wonder written across his counterparts face. In the midst of a hunt, Dean sometimes forgets to appreciate Cas, but he really is stunningly beautiful. He manages to appear confused and naïve more often than not, but Dean can see beneath the mask. He knows that Cas has scars that'll never leave him.
He remembers the traces of the handprint on his bicep, no longer there but always with him regardless. Looks like they both have scars that no one can see but each other.
"How you feeling, Cas?"
The words surprise him when they leave his mouth. He's never been very good at being comforting, but he wants to be. He cares about Cas so much, on the inside. He just has a hard time showing it. But he supposes now is as good a time as any to try.
He's started to live like he may never have another opportunity to do so.
"Fine," Cas responds, but Dean hears the forced nonchalantness and recognizes that Cas is lying. It hurts more than he'd like to admit that after everything they've been through, after Dean being the reason he was in Purgatory at all, Cas still won't open up to him.
"Well," he tries again, ambling for the right words, "I just... I know that when I got puked out of purgatory, it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs."
Dean watches the tiny creases appear between Cas brows when he says "sea legs" and know that he doesn't understand what that means. He almost grins at that, but Cas speaks.
"I'm fine," he says again, this time with exasperation tinging the edge of his tone.
As if Cas has any right to be exasperated that Dean is checking on him. He tries one more time, keeping his tone as gentle and caring as it can be with the frustration from earlier creeping back in.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm happy you're back. I'm friggin' thrilled. It's just this whole
mysterious-resurrection thing, it always has one mother of a downside."
Cas sighs and puts down the journal, finally looking up at him. When Cas' crystal blue eyes land on Dean, he has to refrain from shivering. Cas hasn't looked right at him like that in a long time.
"What do you want me to do?"
Dean thinks he's making a little bit of progress, so he chooses to be bold.
"Maybe take a trip upstairs."
"To heaven?" Cas asked incredulously.
Dean continues, completely unaware of how he's provoking Cas. "Poke around, see if the God squad can't tell us how you got out."
"No."
Dean sighs this time. Cas' lack of ability to communicate his feelings rivals Dean's own. "Look, man, I hate those flying-ass monkeys just as much as you do, but-
"Dean!" Cas shouts. "I said no!"
The sudden outburst stuns Dean. He opens his mouth to retort, to get frustrated back, but closes it again. For the second time that night, he forces himself to breathe. He knows Cas is hurting and that he's defending himself out of fear. He knows because he's been doing the exact same thing since his escape from Purgatory. Hell, probably for as long as he can remember, to be honest.
And he's making headway. He can feel it. Dean heard the desperation in Cas' voice and saw the silent plea in his eyes. He wants help, has to.
So Dean takes another deep breathe, more to steel himself than anything else, and stands up, crossing the room to sit on the other bed across from Cas.
"Talk to me," he says, and he hopes Cas knows him as well as he knows Cas, and that the angel can feel the sincerity in the offer.
It takes a few minutes. They sit there silently, looking at each other. Usually, when Cas is looking as him, Dean feels as though he's being seen straight through to his soul. It's a piercing gaze that he just can't ever seem to escape. But right now, all Dean can feel in Cas' gaze is searching. Searching for the courage to tell Dean how he's feeling, and for the reassurance that he's going to be taken seriously. Dean tries his damndest to give him that reassurance, the courage he needs.
"Dean, I..."
Dean leans forward the smallest amount, nearly unnoticeably, waiting for Cas to continue.
"When I was bad, and I had all those things, the Leviathans, writhing inside me…I caused a lot of suffering on Earth..." Cas looks up at Dean, their eyes meeting once more. "But I devastated heaven."
Dean feels his own heart break at the rawness of Cas' admonition.
"I vaporized thousands of my own kind...and I can't go back." Cas looks back at his hands in his lap, at the edge of the bed. He watches them like he can't comprehend the things that he has done with them, the people that he's hurt. Dean understands. The guilt that he hears in Cas' voice is one he fights to keep at bay every single day in his own voice. The way Cas is shaking ever so slightly, that Dean only now notices because he's staring at Cas' hands too, is a trembling that Dean hides behind his own punches and jokes.
But Dean can't say any of that, not now. It's not the time or place. So he says, "If you do, the angels will kill you." It's less a question and more a statement.
But Cas shakes his head. Dean is almost afraid that Cas is going to shut down again and not talk about it anymore, but he doesn't. It's like Dean has unlocked something in him, and now he's allowed to say the words he's clearly been holding back all this time.
"Because if I see what heaven's become, what I… what I made of it..." Cas stops. He's still looking as his hands, but now they're clutching each other tightly, like it's the only thing reminding Cas that he's there.
"I'm afraid I might kill myself."
The words hit Dean like a ton of bricks. He inhales sharply without meaning to, and Cas looks up at the sound, fear in his eyes. Dean knows that look- he's reatreating. Cas almost moves to stand up, but Dean reaches a hand out instinctually and puts it over Cas', which are clenched so tightly around each other that his knuckles are turning white. Dean holds him just as tightly as he's holding himself.
He swears he feels the echo of the handprint burning on his arm.
"I know there's nothing I can say that can make this better," Dean starts, desperately grasping for anything to say, "but I'm going to try anyway, because you need to hear me.
"The person who did all that shit in heaven? That wasn't you. You're letting guilt eat you alive for something that you didn't do, Cas. It was your body, and they're your memories, but you weren't in your right mind. You were being influenced by the power and wills of the Leviathans, and it turned you into a vessel for evil. I know you think that you did all this, but you didn't.
"You saved my life in Purgatory. You've saved my life a thousand times. Cas, you brought me back to life, back out of Hell, and gave me a second chance that I work to deserve very single day. Would you have done all those things if you were the person that killed all the angels in Heaven?"
Both of Dean's hands are around Cas' now, squeezing tightly. His thumb is gently brushing back and forth across the top of Cas' hand, trying desperately to soothe him. That unnamed feeling is rushing back in the silence that splits them, so Dean speaks again to quell it.
"I know, I know that there is nothing that could ever happen that would make you do things like that, Cas. Above all, you are good. And you've hurt people, and you'll hurt more people in the future. But you're a damn good man. You do everything for the right reasons. You'll never become the person that was corrupted by the Leviathans, I won't let it happen."
Tears are streaking down Cas' face, and Dean ignores a lone tear on his own cheek. They sit there for what feels like eons, knees so close they're practically touching, Dean protecting Cas' hands with his own.
"But you're wrong Dean." When Cas speaks, his voice is barely a whisper. "I know I'm not that person now, but I could be. When I remember the power, I can taste it like it was yesterday. And I try so desperately to forget it, but I can't because I know there is one thing that would make me do all of that over again, willingly this time. Of my own accord."
They're closer now. Cas has shifted so their legs interlock, knees between each other's, and Dean can feel the gentle brush of the breaths Cas doesn't need to be taking.
"Cas-"
"You, Dean. I would kill every angel in Heaven if you were in danger. I would walk right into a massacre if it meant I could keep you safe."
Dean can only stare silently, his breathe hitched, waiting for every word that tumbles out of Cas' despairing lips.
"I can't go back to heaven because I'm terrfied of who I can become, and who I might become, for you."
Silence settles over the motel room like a blanket, but Dean can hear it thunderously. It's paralyzing him, keeping him in a state between needing to say something, to do something, and to stare in silent disbelief at his angel.
He doesn't know what he can say. He wants to deny it, to reassure Cas that he knows he would never willingly harm anyone on a scale like that, but in a rush of sudden clarity he knows that's not true.
Cas would do anything for him.
Even scarier, Dean would do the exact same thing back.
He'll blame it on his heightened emotions later, that he wraps his hand around Cas' tie and pulls him forward, their lips crashing together in a kiss that can only be called desperation. He feels more than hears Cas whimper slightly, whether at the contact or from the surprise, he doesn't know. What he does know is that Cas isn't pulling away- rather, the angel puts his hands on either side of Dean's face and holds him with reverance. It's only then that Dean notices his cheeks are wet with tears.
After a few moments, the kiss becomes gentle, and Dean melts into this new way of being with Cas. The unnamed feeling from before settles deep into his chest and makes a home of his heart, and he's starting to think he knows what it is.
Cas pulls away first, looking so fragile that Dean's afraid another kiss might shatter him. But they're still making eye contact, and Dean won't look away. He's never going to look away from Cas again.
"Dean, what does…" Cas clears his throat. "What did that mean?"
Dean takes a deep breath and considers. It was what felt right. He's afraid to name the way it felt, afraid to take the leap that he hasn't has the courage to take, but he knows he can't lie to Cas.
"I dunno for sure, Cas, but it felt right. It just… I dunno. It made sense. You make sense. I want you to know that…"
He considers his next words carefully. How can he make the angel see that he's all Dean will ever need? That he's only complete when Cas is near, that when they're apart Dean feels like he can't breathe? He doesn't have the words. He never has the words for what he needs, and he always fucks it up.
Well, he's going to make sure that he doesn't fuck it up this time.
Slowly, like Cas might startle and run away if he moves too quickly, Dean reaches once more for Cas' hands. When each of his hands are locked with the angel's, he moves from his spot on the bed and lowers himself onto his knees in front of Cas.
He looks up into Cas's eyes and find them heavy with something Dean can't identify, but he continues anyway. Still looking into the ocean of blue, Dean raises Cas's hands and places them on either side of his head, Cas's fingers meeting his temples.
"See for yourself, Cas."
And then he closes his eyes. He feels Cas's grace rush into him, flooding every corner of his soul and piercing his mind, and he thinks about them.
He thinks about driving in baby with Cas in the passenger seat, and how nothing makes him feel more at home than that simple pleasure.
He thinks about the first time he saw Cas' wings and how he was swept up in awe, nearly dropping to his knees and praying right there.
He thinks about the heartbreak that came from watching Cas' hand slipping out of his own in that portal between Earth and Purgatory, and the piece of his soul that chipped off when the portal closed and Cas was gone.
Most of all, he thinks about the feeling of Cas' arms wrapped around him on that dark road in the middle of nowhere, finally reunited when Dean thought they never would be.
He thinks, now, of the feeling that he's been avoiding naming. The one that's making his heart race faster than it ever has, making him feel full and safe and overjoyed and saddened all at once. He wishes he had adequate words to describe what Cas means to him, but he doesn't. So this will have to do.
He feels the emptiness the moment that Cas releases him, his grace rushing out of Dean like cold water. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he opens his eyes and looks up at the man before him.
"Love," Cas says with wonder in his voice.
"What?" Dean chokes out.
"That's the feeling. Love."
And then Cas kneels too, mere inches away from Dean, and looks at him. Sees him.
"I love you, Dean Winchester." Cas reaches his hand up and cradles Dean's face, and he leans into the touch. "I love you in every way thats worldly, and every way that's divine. And now that I know you love me just the same, I will never leave you again, Dean. I swear it."
Dean can do nothing but stare helplessly into Cas' eyes. Of course he loves Cas. Is that what this has been the whole time? Is love what motivates Dean to do insanely stupid and reckless things for Cas? Is it what keeps Dean going even when he wants to give up?
He thought he'd known love before, but he's never felt like this. Maybe that's why he couldn't name it. Because this feeling of completeness is something he's never had before. It's different than how he loves Sam, or how he loved his mother, or even the devotion he had towards his father. This is a love he knows will persevere through every universe, through every timeline, through every plane of existence that could ever separate him and Cas.
His mother used to tell him that angels are watching over him. Dean thinks, with shocking clarity, that she was right. He will always have an angel by his side.
When he speaks, his voice is steady, though his hands are trembling and his heart is racing.
"I do love you. I love you, Cas, and I'll be damned if I ever let you out of my sight again."
And then they're kissing again, and this time it's different. It's not the gentle, tender kiss that they shared before, or even wet with tears like how the first kiss started. This one is desperate in a different way, in a way that makes Dean's face heat up and his fingers tingle.
One of Cas' hands moves from it's place on his cheek to tangle into the hair at the base of his neck, and Dean shivers. To have Cas' fingers caress his skin so gently, knowing the destruction they've caused… it would bring him to his knees if he wasn't already there.
Dean puts his hands on either side of Cas' waist and waits for him to pull away and change his mind and tell Dean that this is a mistake, but Cas only leans into his touch and presses their chests flush together. To feel his warm chest underneath all that office-outift exterior reminds Dean that Cas is just as human as he is.
Slowly, tentatively, Dean lets his hands wander over Cas' torso. He presses his hands on Cas' back, slowly moving them up, feeling his muscles tense under Dean's touch, feeling the strength of his shoulders, the tightness of his neck, and back down to the base of his spine, and how the muscle gets softer there, relaxing.
He moves his hands to the front of the angel's torso, feeling the warmth of Cas' skin even through his button-up. He always knew Cas was strong, but he didn't realize just how toned his chest was, how hard he worked to maintain his physical form. Cas trembles under his touch like he wants more.
"Dean," Cas growls into his lips, "I want you in any way you'll have me. Please."
Dean feels the air evaporate from his lungs. The gravel in Cas' voice goes straight to his dick, and he feels himself hardening. He bites Cas' lip in response and gasps out, "Yes, please yes, Cas. Anything you want."
Cas pulls away to look at his, and the sight of his lips swollen and face flushed nearly undoes Dean.
"Anything?"
"Cas, I'm yours. I've been yours since your hand touched my arm in Hell. I want anything and everything that you want- I need everything. Now if your lips aren't on mine again in about two seconds, I'm gonna-"
That seems to be all Cas needs to take control, because his hand is back behind Dean's neck, pulling him into a kiss that's all-consuming. His other hand, however, finds the curve of Dean's ass and pull him up so they're standing - fuck, the sheer strength is hot - and turns them around so quickly that Dean isn't entirely sure how he ends up with his back on the bed and Cas straddling him, but he damn sure isn't complaining.
"Cas," he breaths, eliciting a deep moan from the angel.
Dean's hands find the knot of Cas' tie and undo it with a speed Dean didn't know he had in him, making quick work of the buttons as well. Their tongues tangle while Dean works, and he has to focus incredibly hard to make his fingers obey his will.
Once the buttons are undone, Cas breaks the kiss to sit back and remove his jacket and shirt. His ass grinds against Dean's crotch, and he knows Cas can feel that he's rock hard.
Seeing Cas' chest bare is another experience entirely. Cas leans back down to kiss Dean, but he places a hand on the angel's chest to stop him. When he sees the frown that forms on Cas' face, he says, "I wanna look at you. Can I look at you?"
Cas flushes under the attention, a small smile spreading across his face. "Of course, Dean," he whispers reverantly, and then he's standing up and removing his belt and pants as well, and then his briefs come off and he's naked, his own dick hard enough that it looks like it hurts. Dean swears he might be drooling. Castiel, Angel of the Lord, naked in front of him. Standing unabashedly in the dim lighting, all for Dean to admire.
Dean sits up and moves to the edge of the bed, running his hands up the outside of Cas' thighs, then hips, then ribs and then back down to rest on his hips.
"Jesus, Cas, look at you…"
Cas blushes ever harder and reaches down, his hands finding the buttons of Dean's own shirt and beginning to undo them. Dean helps, and soon they're both undressed and back on the bed the same way they had been.
They lay there like that, Cas straddling Dean, letting their hands explore each other, feeling every inch of skin from the curves to the imperfections. Dean scratches his nails down Cas' back when Cas sucks on his lower lip and Cas moans into his mouth, so Dean keeps doing it. Their lips and tongues find homes with each other, and nothing feels more right than just kissing.
After a long while of just kissing, Cas trails his lips from Dean's to his cheek, to his jaw, just below his ear and down his neck before he starts sucking marks into Dean's collarbone. They're gentle, at first, but the more Dean whimpers and grinds his hips upward, the harder Cas bites until Dean's chest is covered with dark red marks.
"You're gorgeous, Dean," Cas says, and when he sees Dean open his mouth to deny it, he says, "I'm going to kiss every inch of you, inside and out, until you believe that you're the most beautiful creation in the universe. There is no one like you, Dean."
He flushes under the praise, not knowing how to handle it, but fortunately Cas just keeps on kissing him. As Cas' lips do just as he promised, making their way down his torso, he spares the energy to wonder how in the world he got so damn lucky, how Cas could possibly be real, much less be his. This beautiful man, this divine angel, is kissing all over Dean, and he thinks Dean is the unique one? Cas is perfect, and Dean will argue it 'til the day he dies. He just doesn't have the capacity to form words at this exact moment.
Cas' kisses stop just before Dean's dick, much to his disappointment, and Cas returns to Dean's level, kissing him chastely on the mouth.
"I want to be close with you in a way that you'll never be close with anyone else again, Dean. I need to be inside you, please," Cas whispers, nearly begging. Dean feels precum drip off Cas' dick, and he'd be damned if he said no to anything even remotely as amazing as that.
"Fuck, Cas, I want you in me, too. I need you, I need you now."
With that confirmation, Cas immediately gets to work. Dean sees his eyes light up with that divine glow, and all of a sudden his asshole feels… different, and then there are wet fingers pressing against his hole, and he doesn't even have time to consider the logistics of divinely-conjured lube.
"Shit, Cas, fuck…"
Cas lowers himself to press kisses to the head of Dean's cock and Dean involuntarily bucks upward just the smallest amount. Cas doens't seem to mind, dropping his head and surrounding Dean's dick with his mouth.
Dean doesn't think Cas has ever done this before, but he sure as hell can't tell because Cas' tongue works expertly on his dick, licking up his shaft just the way he likes, teasing his tip in the way that makes him shake, and hollowing out his cheeks to give Dean that pressure that he craves.
Somehow, Cas knows exactly what Dean needs.
As if on cue, Cas' first finger slides in Dean's ass unexpectedly, making him gasp and fist the sheets.
"Fuck! Holy shit, please, fuck I need- I need more, fuck-"
Dean is begging- he never thought he would beg for pleasure but he's begging for Cas, and the angel obliges, immediately slipping in a second finger. He keeps them there, letting Dean adjust and making slow passes up and down Dean's dick with his mouth, before starting moving them in and out.
Dean focuses on the way his knuckles catch ever so slightly on his rim every time Cas thrusts back into him, and he clenches around air when Cas removes his fingers entirely, only to gasp again when three fingers re-enter him. It's a stretch like none other, and Cas' fingers are otherwordly inside him, like his hands were made to touch Dean.
Cas pulls his mouth off Dean's straining cock with a wet pop and looks up at Dean with so much lust Dean almost comes just from that.
"Fuck, stopstopstop, Cas please… need your dick asap, need more, need to be closer to you, please…"
Cas smiles up at him and removes his fingers, and the air around them changes as Cas' eyes glow again and then Dean see's his cock glistening with lube.
Before he can think better of it, Dean sits up and reaches a hand between them, wrapping his fingers around Cas' cock. Cas sits back on his heels and throws his head back, gasping and shuddering at the contact.
Dean's hand slides easily over Cas' hard, slick cock, and he feels every curve and vein as he slowly pumps up and down.
"God, look at you, Cas. You're a mess, you're a mess for me. Look how hard you get just to be inside me.
"You're so beautiful, Cas, your dick is perfect and god I need you inside me, fuck-"
At that, Cas snaps his head back, lust taking over, and in one swift motion he pushes Dean back onto the mattress and spreads Dean's legs further apart.
He lines the head of his swollen cock up with Dean's hole, and Dean only has a second to worry about how wide Cas' cock is before Cas is slowly sliding in, stretching him so far it burns.
He hisses and moans and pushes onto Cas's cock, needing more, needing to be completely filled up, one with his angel, and soon he's filled to the brim and Cas' balls are resting against his ass. They stop like that for a moment.
Cas leans down so their bodies are flush and just breathes into the crook of Dean's neck for a minute, both of them adjusting to their new states of being. The fullness is so much more than Dean could've ever imagined. It's everything he needs.
"This is perfect, Cas, you're perfect," he whispers into Cas' ear.
Cas lifts his head to look at Dean and responds, "You're mine, you're all mine. No one else will ever have you like I have you now. This closeness is ours and ours alone, Dean, you're mine forever."
Dean breathes shallowly, nodding his agreement, and then they're kissing again and Cas is slowly rocking in and out of Dean.
The motion is ridiculously good, feeling the slide of Cas' thick cock inside Dean's tight hole, and holy fuck Dean isn't going to last very long like this. As if Cas can sense it, he sits up, still inside Dean, and throws one of Dean's legs over his shoulder.
Without warning, Cas pulls almost all the way out of Dean and then slams back into him, and Dean sees stars when his prostate is hit. He clenches hard around Cas' cock and moans lewdly, and Cas is groaning too, and together they find a relentless pace that pounds Dean's prostate and strokes Cas' dick perfectly.
"Fuck, Cas, I was made for you, for this, you're so good it's so good, fuck fuck fuck!"
At Dean's words, Cas' groans become more like whimpers, and he thinks he hears Cas saying "please please please" over and over again, and Dean tilts his hips at a quick angle on the next thrust and Cas calls out Dean's name. Dean nearly comes from just that, but then Cas wraps his hand around Dean's leaking cock and pumps up and down it in time with his thrusts, and that combined with being so full of Cas makes him come.
His orgasm slams into him like a tsunami, and he squirts ropes of cum over his chest and Cas' hand. Cas fucks him through his orgasm, hitting his prostate over and over again, milking Dean's release for every drop, and then keeps going until the overstimulation is almost too much.
"Cas, Baby, come inside me, I need you to fill me up, I need your cum in me, I need this to be ours, only ours, please come for me gorgeous-"
"Dean, fuck, Dean!"
And then Cas' hips stutter and Dean feels hot cum inside him, and Cas keeps thrusting into Dean as his own orgasm rolls through him. Dean clenches around Cas' cock and moves his hips in time with Cas', milking him just the same way Cas did him, Cas whimpering Dean's name the whole time.
When Cas' hips finally stop moving, he pulls out, and Dean's hole squelches at the loss of being filled. He can already feel Cas' hot cum dripping down his cheeks.
Cas crawls up the bed to Dean, and Dean opens his arms for his angel, holding him close. They lay there in silence, just breathing heavily and holding each other, until Cas adjusts and Dean feels the come drying on his chest.
"Can you… vanish the… y'know…"
Cas lifts his head slightly, furrowing his brows.
"The come on your chest?"
And for some reason, Dean flushes at the vulgar language coming from Cas' mouth, as if they didn't just have the most mind-blowing sex of their lives.
"Yeah, that."
The air around them shifts just slightly, and then Dean and Cas are both clean. Dean shudders, reaching down to pull the blankets up over them, adjusting to wrap himself around Cas and hold him as close as possible.
"I love you, Cas. I really love you."
He feels Cas smiles into his chest when his angel responds, "I love you, too, Dean. I'm never going to leave you again."
And when Dean responds, he knows with certainty that God Himself would have to kill either of them before they were really separated again.
"I know, Cas. I'm never gonna leave you, either."