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2024-11-05
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2024-12-28
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2/?
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atonement

Summary:

Kakashi stopped the Uchiha massacre, but not without a cost. Now with a career-ending injury, he must find a new place to fit into a village that's only ever seen him as a weapon. Luckily Iruka could use the help.

Chapter 1: Prologue: Itachi

Summary:

Kakashi stops Itachi, Tsunade returns, Danzo faces the music, Iruka gives career advice

Notes:

Ayo, happy procrastination season. I have four essays due this week, but I wrote this.

Chapter Text

It’s the least he owes Obito. That’s what Kakashi tells himself, bleeding out on the ground in front of the Uchiha compound, with a child dying beside him. 

It’s the least he owes Obito, to prevent the massacre of his clan, even if it destroys him. Even if it means he’s got the blood of another teammate on his hands. It becomes a mantra, words to barely breathe when the blood from his back is running between the cobblestones, and he can’t feel his arms or legs, and he can hear Itachi sobbing to his mother – spilling Danzo’s terrible plan with his last breaths. 

It’s not half of what he owes Obito, not with how fond his teammate was of Itachi, not when the Uchiha will certainly coup now. Not when Obito loved Shisui like a little brother. He’ll have to apologise when he sees them, Obito, and Shisui, and probably Itachi. Can’t be long now.

Then there’s green healing light, and someone brushes against the hole ripped through his torso, and the spike of pain is enough to send him into the blissful darkness of unconsciousness. 

 

 

He wakes up drugged to the gills, with Fugaku Uchiha thanking him for killing his kid.

Kakashi’s tongue is too heavy to form words, but the clan head must see protest in his eyes, because he shakes his head.

“His death isn’t on your head, not on yours, Hatake. It’s on my conscience, and on Shimura Danzo’s, but you were backed into a corner. You saved my sons, both of them, and hundreds of others besides. Itachi rests now without the blood of his family on his hands, and Sasuke lives still. You don’t have to accept the Uchihas’ thanks, but you have them.” for all his pretty words, his duty as clan head to always put the whole before the one, Kakashi knows what grief looks like. He recognises it sitting heavy on Fugaku’s shoulders.

The bedridden jonin shakes his head, tries to argue again, but he’s dragged back into the darkness before he gets the chance.

 

 

The next time Kakashi wakes, still heavily medicated, there are half a dozen people in the room. Gai is asleep in a chair beside the bed, Tenzo reading in the other one. Yugao’s sitting on the floor in one corner, sharpening her kunai one by one. Anko’s perched in the open window, signing rapidly to an ANBU he thinks might be Genma, while Asuma leans against the wall by the door in a posture casual to the untrained eye and that Kakashi recognises as standing guard even half out of his mind with the pain meds.

Leaning over him, shooting increasingly irritated looks at increasingly stubborn jonin, is none other than Senju Tsunade. Funny, he doesn’t usually hallucinate on pain medication.

“Don’t you move while I’m working, Hatake, or so help me,” she lets the threat trail off. Okay, so, probably not hallucinating, actually. Or a very accurate hallucination if it is. 

“Yes ma’am,” he croaks. Anko gets to the water first, face more serious than he’s seen her since Rin died. For all the chaos she usually exudes, Anko looks small and tired, and she waits for a nod from Tsunade before tipping the glass to his mouth. “Thanks,” he whispers, mouth more or less cooperating this time. 

“‘Course,” she nods a couple times, retreating back to guarding the window.

“Danger?” Kakashi asks vaguely at the sanin. She shakes her head, hands not pausing in their healing.

“No danger, kid, your friends are just overprotective.” the Hatake nods, that pretty much checks out. He must be in terrible shape, not one of them protests her words.

“Coup?”

“Didn’t happen,” ANBU Jackal – he was right, it’s Genma – says, perching on the window ledge. “You’ve got a guard posted as a precaution, but danger’s passed.”

“Breaking protocol,” Kakashi mumbles automatically, “not supposed to interact unless there’s danger.” Genma chuckles, nodding.

“Relax, Hound-taichou, the rotation just changed. I’m off the clock and someone else is watching your exits.” still breaking protocol, but less seriously. Kakashi rolls his eyes, finds his head is pounding, then processes what the ANBU is really telling him.

“‘M being retired?” no other reason Genma would be willing to reveal his code name. A nod. “Damn.”

“You’d have to have a psych eval, even if you could do the job physically.” Anko points out, a little bit of wry humour back on her face. “Lost cause, anyway.” Kakashi almost nods, catching himself when he remembers Tsunade’s stern warning. Genma watches him for a long moment, behind the expressionless porcelain, then nods and leaves the way he came. 

“The Uchiha?”

“Rattled, but safe,” says Tenzo, glancing up from his book.

“Worth being retired.” Tenzo winces.

 “We should leave and let you rest.” None of them so much as shift. Tsunade heaves a heavy sigh. It’s all so mundane. Granted, there’s usually not so many of them at his sick bed, but it’s reassuring enough that he finds himself drifting again. There are voices rolling over him, none registering as particularly urgent, and he sinks back into unconsciousness slowly.

 

 

Tenzo is talking, quiet and even-toned, when he breaks the surface again. Kakashi comes to slowly, flexing fingers he can finally feel again, pointing his toes. Not paralysed, thank you very much, Tsunade. 

There’s a bit of pain now, most of it radiating out of his torso where a teen who used to be his responsibility carved a hole through him. He’ll take the pain, to not feel like he’s floating a half foot above the bed, and also sinking into the floor. 

Tenzo is squinting at him, probably trying to see if he’s awake. Kakashi keeps his exposed eye shut, watching his kohai through his eyelashes.

“I know you’re awake.”

“No you don’t,” whatever drugs Tsunade has switched to are murder on his brain-mouth barrier.

“They certainly are.”

“Did I say that out loud?” He looks around the room, finds only Tenzo. “They finally decide I’m not going to die?”

“There’s a mandatory ceremony.”

You’re here.”

“I’ve been excused.” Kakashi’s exhausted, so he just waits for Tenzo to continue. “Danzo’s execution.”

“You can say the name.” he thinks he sees something move outside the window, but Tenzo doesn’t react. Must be paranoia after everything.

“I can.”

“Congratulations.”

“I’m glad he’s dead.” a flash of red eyes, a face that hasn’t even lost all of its baby fat is angry and desperate. “Danzo, I mean.” Kakashi nods, he agrees, it’s good Danzo is dead. Good riddance. 

But his heart won’t stop racing, and the drugs make the edges of reality and dream blurry. Itachi looms in his periphery, sharingan spinning, and Obito’s voice is echoing in his head, begging him to protect Rin. they’re gone, and he’s cursed, and now another teammate is dead by his hand. His vision blurs until Tenzo is a blur of shapes, and behind him is a blob of yellow-green-blue that can only belong to his dead sensei. Kakashi’s breath catches on the name, then something jostles his IV and he’s out.

 

 

He cracks his eyes wide enough to see Tsunade is back. So is the heavy, floaty medication that doesn’t make him see ghosts. “Whatever that drug was, never give it to me again.”

“Already noted in your chart,” Tsunade says, like it’s all perfectly normal and there’s nothing further to discuss. Bless her. “You’ve had it before, but not since you were young. Won’t happen again.”

“Thank you, Hime,” he chokes out. She nods, not looking up from his chart. “Danzo’s dead?”

“He is.”

“Good.” he pauses for a long moment, deciding how much he really wants more details on his condition. “Jackal mentioned I’ve been retired from ANBU.”

“You have.”

“Just ANBU?”

“Active duty.” Right, well. Why couldn’t he at least have died, then?

“Permanently?”

“It’s retirement, kid, not leave.”

“Why?”

“He severed your spine, if I hadn’t come back you would probably be dead by now, and you’d certainly be paralysed. It’s too fragile, I clear you to go out into the field and your spine fails, that gets someone killed.” 

He doesn’t tell her he’d rather be dead, because that’s not something you tell the doctor who saved you. And because she already knows. “Kakashi, I know you’ve been in and out, and I’m not sure the way time is passing in your genius brain, but you’ve been conscious four times in the last two and a half months.” 

Months? The word rattles around in his brain, not making any sense. He thought maybe a week or two, the way it usually is. “Due respect, Tsunade-hime, but why are you still here?”

“You’re still in critical condition, for one thing.” 

“Plenty of people have died since you left,” he says, knowing it's wrong the moment it's out. His mouth and brain still aren't quite cooperating. Tsunade takes it in stride, nodding.

“I'm a selfish creature, kid. Kushina was family, I wasn't here when she died and I have to live with that. But she loved you, Kakashi, as much as Namikaze did. Least I could do was keep you alive for her.”

“Naruto's family, too, you know.” He murmurs. Another nod, she must be feeling particularly indulgent of his drugged state.

“You don't need to pitch me on staying, kid. I've already agreed to it.”

“That so?”

“Can't exactly leave sensei in charge, not after he authorised a massacre.”

“Authorised?” any trace of levity leaves her face when she nods. “ Authorised ?”

“You were technically a traitor for all of ten minutes, before every major clan in the village decried it.” Kakashi manages to huff half a laugh, past the spinning in his head. Not just Danzo, Hiruzen had allowed this to happen. Endorsed it. 

“He was thirteen, hime.” Let alone the rest of the clan, all the other kids in the compound that day. Kakashi's seen terrible things, done terrible things, but even he's never seen a child ordered to kill his entire family. What if Kakashi hadn't been there? How far would he have gotten, how many dead?

“Breathe, Kakashi. I need you to calm down.” He sucks in a breath.

“He was thirteen. ” In the doorframe, holding two cups of tea and looking terribly caught, is Uchiha Mikoto.

“Breathe, or I'll sedate you again.” Tsunade's never been known for her bedside manner. 

Kakashi can't breathe, because Itachi was thirteen, and scared, and the Hokage isn't supposed to be a monster but only a monster authorises what he did. 

She sedates him.

 

 

He wakes up alone, just once, in the dead of night. 

His window is open, though the ANBU guard seems to have been called off. Kakashi stares out at the moon, twisting his neck as much as he dares without knowing how his spine is progressing. He’s pretty sure the open window is against protocol, but he’s grateful for it regardless. The breeze is nice, and while he knows he couldn’t actually do much against an assailant, the idea of escape is still comforting.

The night is startlingly clear, the sky full of stars visible through the trees.

“I’m sorry, Obito,” he mumbles through clumsy lips. “Not sure how much more of the world I can take you to see.” a bird lands in the tree. “I killed your baby cousin, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I had to stop him. I’m so sorry.”

He wakes in the morning when an unfamiliar mednin comes to check on him.

The window is closed.

 

 

“Umino?” He mumbles, squinting at the chunin in the chair beside his bed. “What are you doing here?”

“You came by when I was injured.”

“It was my fault you were injured.” His whole body aches, the floaty feeling weaker but still present. Kakashi assumes Tsunade is weaning him off now, but keeping him on the same drug. Good. He'll stay vaguely detached from his body for the rest of his life if it means no hallucinations.

“It wasn't your fault.”

“It was my mission.” They had this argument several times, when it was Iruka in the hospital bed. “How long was I out this time?” Kakashi refuses to be surprised by months passing again.

“A couple of days.”

“Sounds like progress.”

“Tsunade-sama says you're well on your way to recovery. ” Kakashi nods and feels it in his spine.

“not a full recovery, I take it.” Iruka winces.

“You'll walk.” It's better than nothing. Probably. Tsunade had said he was retired, but it's still sinking in. 

“Tsunade said she was staying.” 

“Pretty sure it's bad form for the Hokage to run away from the seat of her power.”

“Hokage?”

“That's why she agreed to stay. I don't know how much you've heard about–”

“I know.” Iruka nods, slumping back in his seat. “I'm sorry.” sorry the man who cared enough to have tea with a troubled orphan didn't care enough to save anyone else. Sorry the man who dedicates his life to children had to see the closest thing he has left to family condemn those kids to death.

“Yeah, me too.” Iruka states at his hands, visibly steeling himself. “Listen, have you considered teaching?”

“Jonin instructors have to be cleared for field duty.”

“Academy instructors don't.”

“I'm not good with kids.”

“It's a skill you can learn.”

“Why would I? Did Tsunade put you up to this, something to keep me busy?” Iruka raises an eyebrow, frowning pointedly.

“She mentioned it.”

“That's–”

“But I hope you don't think I take my work so lightly as to let it turn into an injured jonin retirement program.” Iruka all but growls. 

The thing is, Kakashi doesn't think that at all. He knows that plenty of people consider academy teaching to be a department of wash-ups, but he worked with Umino Iruka on a couple of missions before he started teaching – including the one where he was injured. The man is smart, fast, talented in fuinjutsu and trap-making. Any department would take him in a heartbeat.

“You're right, I'm sorry.” Kakashi can occasionally be counted on to drop the arrogance of his persona. It's easier than usual, still slightly inebriated as he is. “But I don't see why you'd want me anywhere near your kids. I barely even attended the academy.”

As quickly as Iruka's temper flared, it cools. “Do you know the difference between teaching children and training soldiers, Kakashi-san?” Kakashi shakes his head. Something cracks and they both freeze for a moment, Iruka's eyes trained on Kakashi for any sign of pain. 

It didn’t feel great as it happened, but everything seems fine for now. 

“Nothing,” Iruka tells him bluntly. “There's no difference. Not for academy kids, not in the eyes of the village. I prepare kids as best I can and then send them off to try and survive. You can’t teach, you’re not good with kids, you don’t even know the curriculum because you skipped most of it.”

“You see my concerns, then,” Kakashi deadpans.

“But you’re a good ninja, Kakashi-san. I don’t just teach kids, I train shinobi. You’re one of the best, and I’m sorry you won’t be in the field, I’m sure you can’t stand the thought. But if you’re stuck here with the rest of us anyway, then I could really use your help. If you can give those kids an edge against people who have been active since before they were born, then I can’t afford to pass that up.”

“I’m hardly the first jonin to have a career ending injury. Or even the first ANBU.” He’s thinking about it, though, thinking about still being able to protect a tiny section of the village if they won’t let him guard the whole thing anymore. Thinking about always being there to keep the academy safe if someone were to attack. Thinking about his sensei’s kid, and making sure he’s as prepared as possible for a world that wants him dead.

“I trust your moral compass, and I know for a fact that you won’t discriminate against any of my kids.”

“Can’t imagine the new Hokage is going to let that fly anyway.”

“I wasn’t talking about Naruto.” Kakashi frowns. He knows the civilian-born kids have a hard time sometimes, but there’s plenty of people with no bias there. Who – oh.

“Itachi’s brother.”

“Sasuke.”

“He had nothing to do with it.”

“I know. And you know. But it came out pretty publicly that Itachi went along with the plan because Danzo promised not to hurt his brother.” that’d do it. “I’m not saying it’s right, but the kid’s taking it hard enough as it is. Now people are talking, putting things on him he had nothing to do with and no control over. Expecting –”

“I remember.” That seems to stop Iruka short. The teacher would have been too young to recall the aftermath of Hatake Sakumo’s ‘failed’ mission, but he’s certainly heard stories. He softens a little and Kakashi hates him for it, but it’s probably better than disdain.

“Yeah, I guess you do. There are plenty of complicated kids at the academy right now. The generation born after the war is full of the children of heroes, and martyrs, and clan heads. One of the civilian girls is being relentlessly bullied by another. Two kids the year above Naruto have barely any chakra control and the stubbornness of a thousand mules. Uchiha Sasuke is a talented student, but people are watching his every move, waiting for him to crack like Itachi.”

“Itachi didn’t crack he was–”

“He was following orders, I know. He was a child backed up against a wall, and his best friend had just killed himself. None of that matters to the people I’m talking about.”

“I killed his brother. He’ll hate me.”

“Probably, certainly at first. But you won’t hate him. And that’s more important to me.”

“You’re ruthless, you know. You should have gone into T&I.” 

“And have both me and Anko in the same department?” Kakashi shivers at the very thought of the chaos they would wreak. “I won’t push you into anything, but please at least think about it.” Iruka stands with a stretch, heading for the door.

“I’ll think about it.” Kakashi agrees, knowing he’s already made a decision.