Archive of Our Own ^beta

Christopher Diaz has grown over the years. He's a teenager now, even if only somewhat recently. That changes many things. He's less open to affectionate words or touches because that's very much embarrassing now, his interests are changing. All of this is only complicated by the fact that he caught his father with a doppelgänger of his deceased mother and they spent the better part of the last year hundreds of miles apart, with Christopher in El Paso and Eddie in LA. Point is, it's been rough, and things have been changing.

Eddie, for his part, had gone through an identity crisis so bad Buck had been tempted to grab him and lock him in Frank's office until the worst of it had passed. However, that wouldn't have been very helpful. In the end, Eddie fought his way through, and with some encouragement, he made his way to his parents and had a serious talk with Chris. Buck isn't privy to the details, but Chris has returned. And that's great, but it's also clear that it takes time to heal all wounds and restore the broken trust.

The point is, the Diaz household currently needs one thing, Stability. Buck will do whatever is in his power to be exactly that.

Buck is a steel beam. He's Zen. A hundred percent, deep-rooted calm, steadiness. He's stable. And why shouldn't he be? Everything is going great! Eddie is slowly becoming himself again, that mustache is rotting in the pits of hell, Chris is back, Bobby is back, everyone is happy, and things with Tommy are great.

So here he finds himself. It's a Saturday, November is well on it's path, but for one home in LA Halloween is on the agenda.

The plans had been made before everything with Kim went down, before Chris had needed space so far away that even communication with Buck had been stilted and sparse. As a big Halloween fan, Chris had been excited to make plans, and Buck had been equally invested in planning, even when Halloween had been far off at that point.

Truthfully, Buck had expected the plans to fall flat all together after Chris had left and it had become clear that he wouldn't be coming back any time soon. Perhaps he had overdone it on Halloween in a pitiful attempt to get over how much he missed Chris. The whole ordeal with Billy Boils that had left a bunch of poor kids and Buck traumatized, and had very likely left Buck cursed for a day or two was perhaps a sign for how terribly that worked for him.

Halloween had passed by them without a word, and Buck had felt that familiar ache of abandonment in his chest more than the boils on his face, or the jokes about his stunt with very real human remains.

When Chris had been back, their plans only remained an afterthought for Buck. A dull sting that would pass, that didn't linger anymore. Just a short reminder of lost time.

It's the Wednesday before, when they're eating pizza at the Diaz home that it comes up again. Eddie breaks the, frankly discomforting silence, by asking Buck if he can watch Chris on Saturday. Buck had switched shifts with Thompson from B shift so he can visit his daughters ballet rehearsal.

Buck knows what's about to go down before it starts. Chris starts to frown, the pizza slice is dropped unceremoniously, "I don't need a babysitter, I'm not five anymore."

Eddie looks a bit taken aback, before his own expression grows more stern, "You do if I say so." Buck can spot the instant regret on Eddie's face the second the words had left him. Eddie is very much trying to be more open about letting Chris set boundaries and allowing him more freedom as is fitting for a boy his age. But it's still hard for him to let go.

Buck, as always eager to diffuse any conflict and to be what they need him to be - stability - decides to step in. He's going out on a limb, already preparing himself to be shut down in a very keeping-him-awake-late-at-night way when he proposes "It's true, you're a bit old for a babysitter." he chances a look at Eddie to make sure he's not overstepping "But I need someone to hang out with me this Saturday because Tommy has a shift, and so does everyone else. Also, I've still got a bunch of Halloween movies rented for our Halloween party."

It's quiet for a moment, Chris is clearly contemplating Buck's words. Then his eyes narrow in a way that makes it clear that he sees right through Buck - and he's not into it - but then

"Yeah, okay."

So the plan stands, against all of Bucks expectations. Eddie looks relieved too, he offers Buck a grateful look.

On Saturday itself, Chris appears to be more open for Halloween too. Eddie is already gone when Buck arrives, a deliberate choice to show Chris that this is really not supposed to be babysitting, except it kind of still is.

"I brought all of the movies from our list, I also have snacks, drinks, and two pumpkins we can carve out." Buck is excited. This will be the opportunity to spend some time with Chris as it used to be, or rather how it will be in the future when they're past the hard times.

Chris let's him inside, "I know you're just here because my dad wants you to babysit me." The words are perhaps a little rough, but his lips twitch upwards in reponse to Buck's excited grin, and isn't that a win?

"Okay that's not true." Buck defends himself regardless, "Yes, I did want to help your dad out, but I also want to spend time with you." it's the truth. Which is also why it's so important that Buck says it, one of the things that had driven Chris away was the lying. That his dad hadn't been honest about what was going on and about his still persisting grief.

Chris takes another moment to observe him, but then he nods, any lasting tension dissipating.

"Pumpkins?" he asks then, a bigger grin on his face now.

"That's all Halloween's about." Buck places the bags on the kitchen table.

"No I don't think that's all there is. It's also about dressing up, and scary stories."

"Yeah, you're right! But it's one of the coolest parts." Chris nods at that, and they get to it.

Buck isn't any good, neither is Chris, but that's not the point after all. They're having fun. Conversation coming easier and easier between them, and the part within Buck that had feared that maybe Chris had outgrown Buck in El Paso is put a bit at ease.

There are exasperated eye rolls at dad jokes that would have made a younger Chris laugh, there are quips where there used to be adoring words. But it doesn't make Buck sad, no, it's nice actually. Because Chris grows, he becomes his own person, and Buck is so damn grateful he gets to be part of it. He loved the Chris he knew, and he loves this Chris. And to him, Buck isn't this hero on a pedestal anymore, but he's a friend nonetheless.

"Did you know that people used to carve out turnips first? It started in Ireland, and when Irish Immigrants moved to the US they used pumpkins because they were native." Buck carefully places the top part on his Jack-'o-lantern, satisfied to see that it still fits.

"Huh, can you imagine carving out a turnip? They're so much smaller." Chris is next to him, looking at both their pumpkins.

"I think I would have massacred it. Or myself. Can you imagine that?"

"Yeah, I can."

"Rude." Chris laughs at the playfully stern look Buck levels at him.

There's a buzz from his phone.

"Who keeps texting you?" Chris asks as they make their way back inside.

"No one who needs a response right now." Buck still checks, a reflex now that his phones frequent buzzing has been pointed out.

Tommy

Evan-

Buck doesn't read anymore. It can wait. He places it in his pocket.

"You want to start on the movies?"

"Oh yes!" Chris reaches the bag first, picking out a DVD case. They start with Coraline, then Nightmare before Christmas, Monster House, and then they watch Corpse Bride.

Buck hasn't seen any of the movies before, one of the reasons why Chris had put them on the list. They're good, Buck has to admit. They eat snacks, mix soft drinks and Chris keeps explaining things and Buck listens with rapt attention, always eager to learn more. They don't mind when the other talks during a scene, though they try to still pay attention. It's easy, talking to Chris. More and more so, the distance that had been hanging over them is bridged.

"Okay, be honest. Is it dad?" Chris asks eventually. The movie is close to the end, Victor is about to drink the poison. Buck looks over to the boy next to him. The light from the TV throws shadows on their faces. It's dark out already. Another buzzing hints at what Chris is talking about.

"No." but Buck reaches for his phone anyways, just to check.

Tommy

Don't you think-

Again, he stops reading.

"It's Tommy." he says then. Chris looks at him contemplatively.

"Why is he texting you so much?"

Buck isn't sure what to say.

"Maybe he misses me." he grins. And maybe Tommy does, because they're doing great. Like, really super great. Tommy is great, he's just so- great! He flies helicopters in dangerous rescue missions, he's good looking, and he likes Buck. And everything is... great. So great. Great.

Tommy sends another text. His phone lights up where it's still held loosely in his hand. Buck clicks the button that makes the screen turn off.

Chris rolls his eyes fondly and turns his attention back to the movie. Buck follows suit, but finds it hard to concentrate.

The thing is, the Diaz family needs stability. Buck needs to be fine, reliable, steady. His own problems can take second place - or last place - for now.

Victor defends himself with a fork.

"That's an unusual kitchen tool for fighting. Usually they have knives, a frying pan, or a rolling pin." he points out.

Chris hums in agreement, "I suppose people underestimate forks."

Barkis, having disarmed Victor, is about to end things when Emily intervenes. Buck can't stop a gasp at that, which makes Christopher giggle. "That guy really sucks."

"Oh yeah." Chris nods enthusiastically.

Then, Barkis starts his evil monologue.

"Oh I'm leaving. But first! A toast, to Emily. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! Tell me, my dear, can a heart still break once it's stopped beating?"

And that's kind of just it.

Buck is fine. He's zen. Stable, reliable, a steel beam. Buck is-

Buck is crying.

Buck isn't the type of person who starts crying easily, but here he is, tears streaming down his face, a choked sob. Chris looks alarmed, reaches out for him.

"I'm sorry." he says, "I don't know, what's- why-" except he does, but-

Buck is fine. He's zen. Stable, reliable, a steel beam. The Diaz family needs stability, Buck's problems are irrelevant.

"It's just, that guy really sucks." Buck says, his voice only slightly wobbly. He points at the screen, where Barkis is finding his well deserved demise. "And I mean, who- who would say that- to- to someone?! Emily is- is literally just... trying her be- best." his restraint breaks then, voice dissolving into an unsteady, pitiful mess, as more tears follow.

Chris nods empathically, face concerned and slightly unnerved by Buck's sudden meltdown. His small hand awkwardly patting Buck's shoulder. "Yeah, I- I know. But look, he... he's already gone."

Buck nods along, roughly wiping at his eyes to dry the tears. "That was not on my 2024 Bingo card." it's said mostly to himself, because as surprised as Chris is about this outburst, Buck is weirded out more.

"It's a year of surprises." Chris says hesitantly, still patting his back.

"Can we watch a happy Halloween movie now? Are there even any?" Buck is losing his mind a bit. He gets up abruptly, walking over to the bag of movies to search through them. He moves through the motions of picking up DVD cases and looking at their cover before putting them away, but he fails to actually take anything in.

"How about I turn on something from Disney+?" Chris proposes tentatively. Buck nods enthusiastically without facing Chris. Then he gets up again and moves to the kitchen to get a tissue.

By the time he's back Chris has picked out a movie. Buck places some more snacks between them as he settles down again.

"I thought that Halloween movies are supposed to scare me with monsters and jumpscares, not with my emotions. I feel attacked." Chris laughs at that, and the tension dissipates again. The rest of the evening is normal, the events from before are left unmentioned and forgotten. By the time Eddie comes home Chris is already in bed and Buck has cleaned up.

"How was your day?" Eddie smiles at him, but it's clear that he's exhausted.

"Good, how was yours, rough shift?" Buck asks. Eddie makes a sound of agreement.

So here it is. The moment where Buck has to decide on whether he should tell Eddie about his little freak out or not. Oh, yes, everything was great. There was like one moment where I kind of started crying like a baby and Chris had to console me like he was babysitting me, but I'm sure it's all dandy. Yeah, no.

"You want a beer before you head out?" Eddie offers from the kitchen. Buck takes a step into his direction, where the warm glow of the kitchen light seems very inviting and he wants-

His phone buzzes.

Buck halts, hesitates for a second, then he turns away.

"No, thanks. Tommy is waiting for me. But see you next shift?"

Eddie makes another sound of agreement, always a little lazy to communicate after a long shift. Buck smiles at that, achingly fond.

And that's it, then.

When he does see Eddie at their next shift, he's mostly repressed forgotten all about the not so nice part of the November Halloween Party.

It's a slow morning, only few calls. Which means Buck can indulge on Bobby's breakfast pancakes. The mood is good.

Eddie causally slides up next to him, leaning against the railing. "Sooooo... I take it Tim Burton's still got it?"

"Oh. My. God." Buck groans in agony.

Eddie just raises an eyebrow, grinning at Buck.

"Look, I'm grateful. It was a real bonding moment for Chris and me, but, do tell me, is everything good?"

Buck can hear the undertone of genuine concern in Eddie's voice, and for a second, he's tempted. He looks into his best friend's brown eyes, and he wants to explain himself. But he can't.

Because Buck is fine. He's zen. Stable, reliable, a steel beam. And it's not like it's just a run-off-the-mill problem, it's a problem that might influence Eddie in a not good way, and that's the last Eddie deserves right now. Buck is strong enough to shoulder it.

So, Buck puts on a smile. "You want to feed on a guys moment of weakness? That's low Diaz."

It causes Eddie to grin, and that's a success right there. That's much nicer than what might have happened if Buck had given an actual answer.

So what's a little crying? A little identity crisis? A little terrible heartbreak?

"So it was a moment of weakness?"

"Oh, you talk a big game for someone who's cried during Finding Nemo. Twice."

Eddie gawks offended.

We all got our themes. Buck thinks, but saying it would be a bit too obvious.

The bell rings, putting Buck out of his misery. Eddie levels him with a look that promises this conversation is not over yet, and then they're off.

Eddie leaves him be for the rest of the shift, but he keeps giving him searching looks. As if trying to pick out whether Buck is truly okay. Eventually, to Buck's relief, he let's it be.

So the day passes, they are off to a few calls, but nothing is really noteworthy. In between breaks they play card games, that Chim is very definitely cheating at. Bobby let's Buck help with lunch and dinner, which excuses him from washing the dishes and allows him to get his hands on a new recipe.

When the 24 hours are over, Buck is exhausted and eager to go home and lay in bed for a good while.

"You wanna come over and pick up your movies?" Eddie catches up to him on his way out. Buck had almost forgotten all about them.

"Oh, yes. I have to bring them back to their respective owners. Good that I made a list. Three are Maddie's and she'll strangle me if she doesn't have them back by next weekend. She calls me a hogger, can you believe that? I always- mostly, return the stuff."

"Why didn't you just watch them on Netflix or whatever?"

"And leech off your account? Also, we have to appreciate the old media."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "See you there." and then they part ways to go to their respective cars.

The drive is relatively easy, which is good, because Buck has little energy left for LA traffic.

It's supposed to be an easy affair, go in, get your movies, get out. It's not that Buck wants to be out quickly, but there isn't much else to do. At least from his side, because Eddie apparently has different plans.

"A trap. I see how you're playing." Buck narrows his eyes at Eddie, who looks at him smugly, hand holding the bag with Buck's movies just out of reach.

"Now, tell me what's going on." the mirth is gone from Eddie's face, then. Buck feels a little put on the spot. He doesn't quite now what to do.

"Nothing." he shrugs, and it's so deeply unconvincing Buck can't blame Eddie for simply shaking his head.

"So I cried. Happens to the best of us. It was a sad movie. I'm a little convinced that's Tim Burton's intention." he can't uphold the eye contact, eyes flitting around the room.

"Okay." Eddie says. Buck is relieved at having gotten an out, and he takes a tentative step forward, reaching for the bag still in Eddie's hand. Before he reaches it, Eddie pulls it out of reach yet again. Buck's eyes snap from the bag to Eddie's. And no, that was no out, it was just another trap.

"I would believe you, but I can count the number of times I've seen you cry on one, very incomplete, hand." Buck doesn't know what to say. So Eddie continues. "You can tell me. I know you think that Chris and I need you to be a pillar, but Buck, we're getting better and it's okay. I can handle it." his brown eyes are so earnest, so gentle, and Buck can feel his resolves crumble.

Where eye contact was difficult before, now it seems impossible to look away. He's quiet as he searches for the right words. For a nice way to go about this, even though there isn't, not really.

"Did you know that I am super into helicopters?"

Eddie looks only a little confused, knows Buck well enough to trust that he'll get wherever he needs to go.

"Not just helicopters, but, planes. I just think it's cool to fly in one, and wouldn't it be even cooler if I could fly one too? You know, I kept pestering Tommy about it. For him to take me flying with him, or to teach me how to do it."

At one point, Tommy had said Evan, it feels almost like you're only dating me for a helicopter ride. And it had been a joke, but he hadn't felt like laughing, and he hadn't felt like asking again either.

"It's why I met up with him that first time, because I think helicopters are cool." there's something there in Eddie's eyes, like he's got a bit of an idea in which direction this might be going. Except it goes further.

"Tommy was, reasonably, annoyed by me asking him all the time. I don't think it's going to- no, I know it's not going to happen." Eddie is frowning now, looking upset.

"I'm sure if you tell him how much it would mean to you-" Eddie says, but Buck just shakes his head.

"It should have been the first clue. And I mean, I did wonder, sometimes. How come he could take you out of the state but I can't even ask?" Eddie looks guilty now, and doesn't that just make it so much worse? Because it's not like it's Eddie's fault, and it's not like Buck blames him. He should get to the point.

"Tommy told me he was interested in you first."

And boom. There it is. And isn't that just a statement that holds a lot of mixed feelings?

And Eddie looks devastated.

"Oh god, Buck, I'm so sorry-"

Buck quickly shakes his head, reaching out to put a hand on his arm. "No, no, hey! I'm not mad or anything, that's hardly your fault." Eddie doesn't look convinced.

"But I-" and he doesn't want to say it, because Eddie already feels terrible, but if he doesn't, Eddie will see right through him and feel even worse.

"It just, makes a guy wonder. Y'know, why that always happens to me."

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

"Why I'm always someones second choice. Like, what's wrong with me, and how the hell can I fix that?" Eddie looks downright miserable now.

"Hey, that's not true! Buck, there's nothing wrong with you, everything about you is just right."

Eddie is the one reaching out now, the bag long discarded, as his big warm hand comes to rest on Bucks arm. His grip tightens a little, as if to remind Buck to listen to him.

"No, Eddie. My parents only wanted me for Daniel, and when I failed I was basically like a piece of furniture that you can't throw out but that you don't particularly like all that much either. Abby left me behind without a word and returned with a whole new family, I wasn't even worth a break up." a bitter laugh escapes him. "Taylor promised me she wouldn't publish that story about Jonah, but she did it anyway, because a good story would always come first. It keeps happening, over and over."

"And now Tommy. And I want to be mad, and hurt, and I am, but do I have any right to be? When I wanted you first too, then where does that leave me?"

"Buck-"

"How can I be mad at Tommy, how dare I feel this unlovable and betrayed and used, when, if I had to choose, I would choose you too?"

"Buck!" Eddies hands reach for his face, hold firm yet gentle, but Buck can't stop himself now, can't think about the truths he's admitting. His eyes burn, his heart aches.

"How come I feel this terrible when I don't have any right to be upset?

"And I thought about staying with Tommy because maybe that's as close as I'm ever going to get to a relationship where I am as wanted as I want. Where even if I am not truly loved, I don't have any ground to be upset about it. But I'm still hurt.

"Why does it hurt, Eddie? Why am I crying?"

Eddie pulls him into a hug, holding Buck tightly. "You're okay." he whispers, desperate, frantic, as Buck continues to fall apart within his arms.

"Listen," Eddie's voice is firm but warm "You are- you are everything to me, Evan. Do you even know how much it hurts to hear you talking about yourself like that? Like you're just someone people could tolerate, when Chris and I, and the whole 118 couldn't stand to be without you?"

Buck presses a little closer into Eddie's body, desperate for any ounce of comfort he can get, and Eddie keeps giving.

"I nearly lost myself there for a bit after Chris left, but you were always there. I only made it this far because I've had you. And you have every right to be upset, to feel sad and betrayed, because Tommy is an idiot for not seeing what was right in front of him. And I'm an idiot too."

"What?" does that mean what Buck thinks it might mean?

"I didn't see you either, for so long. But I do now, and I hope you can forgive me for taking so long."

"What is that supposed to mean Eddie?" Buck needs to hear it, to be sure.

Eddie pulls back just far enough that he can look into Buck's eyes, one hand carefully cradling Buck's face once more.

"I would choose you. I choose you. I want you, Buck, first and solely. Just you, all the time."

It feels unreal, to hear those words, but Eddie's touch reminds him that this is real. And then, there's not anything left to say, or think, or do, but to lean in.

The kiss is careful, slow. It has all the time in the world. Buck can feel his heart beating slightly erratically in his chest, his hands twitch where they rest on Eddie's waist. Eddie, now holding Buck's waist as well, pulls him a little closer and Buck follows easily.

When they part, Buck can't help the smile that grows on his now tingly lips. Eddie grins right back.

"And now we're going to book a helicopter ride." Eddie says, very seriously, and Buck can only laugh elatedly.