Work Text:
“I refuse to tolerate this hogwash from you any further, Ethan! You’ve gone too far this time!”
“Oh, now we’ve reached Act 3 of tonight’s performance! Rupert’s finally had enough of me! He’s done with a capitol D! He’s reached his limit!”
“You want to make a joke out of this?” Giles screeched.
“Only if you like the punchline, darling!” Ethan replied hotly. “When I said you needed to loosen up, I wasn’t just talking about the ten foot pole you shoved up your arse!”
Buffy scowled. “God, I thought married life would fix those two.” Angel let his end of the wood pallets fall as Buffy dropped her end.
“When are they going to stop…?” Connor moaned.
Gunn felt sympathetic to his charge’s plight as even with the best noise-canceling headphones, Connor could hear Giles’ and Ethan’s argument as though they were standing in front of everyone. They had been at it for an hour and what was initially amusing to the stage crew now became an intrusive distraction from their work. Gunn certainly felt a headache coming along now.
Gunn clapped a hand on the boy’s shoulder and gave what he thought was a winning smile. “Give ‘em five more minutes. Then you can stop them yourself.”
“I like that idea,” grinned Connor. “You hold and I’ll —”
“I don’t care what you’re promising at home later!” Giles shouted. “What you’re proposing is unacceptable and I will not allow it!”
“Because you think I’m all about chaos even now!” Ethan countered. “There’s no redemption in your eyes, Ripper, no matter how sorry someone is! There’s none for Angelus and there’s none for me, either!”
Angel’s right eye was twitching at the mention of his name and his grip on the 42x42 pallets he attempted to pick up tightened until cracks began to form on the wood. Seeing what the argument was doing to the equipment, Buffy marched off to Giles’ office.
“Hey! I wanted to—” the rest of Connor’s protests were silenced by Buffy’s glare.
The argument grew louder as Buffy came up to the office door.
“It’s not about redeeming yourself, Ethan! It’s the principal of the matter and I will not let anyone get hurt by your stunts if I have anything to say about it!”
“You just don’t want me taking the lead on this one, is that it?”
“I never said that,” said Giles softly. Buffy hoped for a moment that it would be the end of it, but Giles could never be counted on for consistency in debates. “If anyone could ever hope to pull off what you’re suggesting, then I’m the only one qualified for it!”
“You always say that when you don’t want to share the glory you middle-aged, cold-footed —”
Buffy cracked her knuckles and kicked down the door with a loud CRACK! and watched as the door flew off its frame and neatly collapsed to the ground. Giles and Ethan were staring at her, eyes wide as plates. She stepped in and gave the pair a measuring look.
“Okay,” said Buffy calmly. “I’m not doing this. You’re not doing this, Ethan, and you are so not doing this either, Giles. Because if I was doing any of this, you’d both be in the hospital and Lorne would oversee the plan. Get the picture.”
Ethan grasped at his own neck in anticipation. Giles audibly gulped.
Buffy continued unperturbed. “It took a lot of favors to get everyone together and we’re all putting in 110% into this. Even Andrew hasn’t bugged anyone with his sci-fi jokes and comic book references lately because he knows how important this is to everyone! And you two are bringing that percentage down to 5 1/2%.”
“B—Buffy, I—I don’t think you can use fractions in a percen —”
“I’m sorry, were you spoken to? No? Then don’t speak.”
Giles did not speak again.
“Now,” Buffy said with finality, “tell Mama Buffy what’s the what and she’ll put an end to the matter.”
The tension was palpable as she waited for an explanation. And then, Ethan spoke up.
“…I want to be Dr. Frank-n-Furter and Rupert said no.”
“Giles…” Buffy said too pleasantly, turning her full attention to her Watcher, “why don’t you want Ethan to play Dr. Frank-n-Furter?”
“…because I wanted to play the role…” Giles responded childishly. “I always brought the house down when I played him…”
“Now, do you think it’s fair to hog the part for yourself and not let Ethan have fun?” Buffy asked.
“…I don’t trust him not to louse it up…”
“That’s not fair and you know it. You could trust him enough to start over with him, that extends beyond the bedroom.”
“Oh yes,” Ethan purred. His hand wound up behind Giles’ back and Buffy was certain that he took the opportunity to pinch his husband’s backside.
Giles yelped. “AH! Uh— I mean, yes…I suppose you’re — oh! — right.”
“Think of it like this, Ripper,” Ethan added with a triumphant tone, “you won’t look like a fool trying to block all his scenes with your precious Slayer —”
“Ethan!” Buffy cut in sharply. “You better keep your hands where we say to keep them and nothing more. Clear?”
Ethan pouted and removed his hand from Giles.
“Crystal,” Ethan said quietly.
“And if you get stage directions telling you not to grope your cast members, you’ll respect them?”
Now Ethan glowered. “As if I could be so heinous —”
“That’s funny coming from the guy who tried to kill my girlfriend when she was in high school.” Angel stepped up from behind Buffy. Their hands tightly clasped together. “And didn’t you curse that band candy the year after and put a lot of babies in danger?”
From an outside observer, it would have been easy to mistake Angel’s blithe tone to suggest it was nothing more than a gentle reminder. But Buffy could tell how close to the edge Angel was and that Ethan was getting a last warning. Years of dealing with the Scoobies and Giles had taught Ethan some wisdom and he had the sense to duck his head down in shame.
“Let me see if I understand this: you two have spent the last hour fighting over who got to play the lead?” Angel asked. He didn’t wait for a response and waved them off. “Just kiss and make up. At home.”
When Angel stormed out of the room, Giles cupped Ethan underneath the chin, looking rather pensive. “Well darling, we have our orders.”
Ethan’s eyes twinkled mischievously. “Indeed. Want to teach me a lesson, Daddy —?”
“Out.” Buffy shoved them both out of the wrecked office space and saw everyone staring. “Okay, show’s over — well, maybe not the show-show, but get back to work!”
To get her point across, Buffy strode over to the wood pallets she had abandoned and hoisted them off the ground. Angel was on the other end and together, he and Buffy finished carrying the pallets off the stage.
Lorne walked in a few moments later, looking rather lost. “Alright, someone hand me a compass ‘cause I’m feeling pretty lost. What did I just miss?”
Connor answered for everyone. “Mr. And Mr. Giles-Rayne’s weekly argument.”
Buffy bit her tongue as Tara fiddled with the skirt and marked at it with her chalk. Cordelia was suffering through a similar crisis under Willow’s administrations. She was also having a fierce — but quiet — argument about Willow’s measurements.
“ — and it has to show enough skin to show Janet is vulnerable, but not too much so the audience will suspect she has cellulite —”
“Why would they think that?” Willow asked, exasperated. “You’re playing Janet and you’re not even 25!”
Cordelia scowled. “Tell that to the assholes from last week’s audition. One of them actually thought I was in my 30s. Do you have any idea how mortifying that is for a prospective actress?”
Buffy smirked. “Since when were you an actress, Cordy? Did we forget the memo you never left us back at high school?”
“Not the point, Summers!” Cordelia snapped. “And look who’s talking, Miss-I-Never-Acted-In-Any-Of-The-School-Productions! Some of us would like to win their Emmy or Tony someday, you know.”
“But we’re not doing this show for attention,” Tara quietly interjected. “This is supposed to be fun.”
Cordelia gave Tara a queer look. “So why didn’t you audition for a part? You would totally have a blast as Janet.”
Buffy found herself wondering the same notion. She heard Tara singing before, so it didn’t seem fair that she didn’t try getting a part. Worst case, Tara would have been the understudy and not Buffy.
Tara smiled ruefully. “I have bad stage fright.”
“Oh dear, now I’m getting flashbacks.” Willow chuckled. “Remember, Buffy? When we had to do that monologue for the Talent Show —”
“And you ran off before the act was done,” Buffy said fondly. “Yeah, that was good. Brought the house down with that.”
The door slammed open and all four women looked up in alarm. They calmed down when they saw it was just Groo.
“Begging your pardon, my princess,” said Groo sheepishly. “But I wish to hear your opinion on what I should be wearing as —”
He gestured to his body and that was when all present company realized how much skin was showing. Buffy didn’t have the same decency as Willow and Tara did to turn their heads away, so she got a perfect understanding on why Cordelia was so enamored with her demon boyfriend. She wasn’t sure who exactly was in charge of creating the costumes themselves, because Groo’s golden g-string made the trunks from the movie look modest. Aside from that, a waiter bow tie with matching cuffs, and a pair of golden-laced sandals, Groo was showing nothing but skin and muscle.
At least Ethan will be happy. He better not piss off Cordy, though…
“Do I look acceptable for the part?” Groo asked pleasantly.
Cordelia’s face was blank as she slowly stepped down from her stool. Groo’s smile faltered as she approached him and he started to look nervous.
“M-my princess…is all well?”
Cordelia was up to his face, grabbed his head with both hands…
…and proceeded to kiss him with tongue. Groo made a startled sound at the back of his throat, but it became more pleased as the kiss progressed. He lifted Cordelia up into his arms and carried her out of the room without another word.
Tara was still looking away when she finally asked, “How long are they going to be gone for?”
Willow sighed and pulled herself off the floor. “Never.”
Now if only Buffy could sneak that little costume out after the show. Angel and Groo were the right size, the right muscle mass, the right — oh God forbid this was all a fantastical dream. Her thoughts wandered to naughtier fantasies with Angel playing Rocky in bed as Willow and Tara fussed over her own Janet costume together.
Riley squinted through the glasses. “Do I really need to wear these?”
“You’re playing Brad, not Cowboy Guy,” Connor said dryly.
Angel snorted. “Don’t sound too excited, Finn. Show’s not even open, yet.”
Riley made the wise decision to ignore Angel and let Connor walk him through the blocking. Angel also made the wise decision to not interrupt them and it wasn’t because he didn’t like that Connor actually liked Riley Finn.
“They do make you look cool, Mr. Finn,” Connor said under his breath.
Riley ruffled his hair with affection. “Kid, just call me Riley, or I’ll feel like my dad’s age.”
Angel wasn’t sure why exactly — he was not going to admit Riley being so patient with Connor was one of those reasons — but he was going to be a professional and not let his feelings regarding the former soldier get in the way of the show.
“When everyone starts getting Medusa’d, you’re going to exit stage right. But you’ll be staggering, like you’re black-out drunk, like this.” Connor slouched and wobbled around while Riley watched. “You were trying to get to Janet, but now you’re being pulled away from her. Got that?”
“I got it.” Riley nodded, smiling. “And for the record, kid, you clearly haven’t been drunk before.”
“What makes you say that?” asked Connor, raising an eyebrow.
“Cause you were able to walk in a straight line.” Riley teetered across the stage to illustrate his point.
“He’s right, son,” Angel said with reluctance. “I could never walk a straight line when I blacked out. Lost track of the lectures my father gave me when I was hungover.”
“Yeah, right.”
“It’s true.” Angel insisted. “And you were walking the wrong way, stage right is your right, not the audience’s right.”
Connor stared at him funny. “I take it you know everyone’s cues and the blocking perfectly, then?”
“Photographic memory, remember?”
“OI! Give a man some room here!”
Xander yelped as Spike wheeled past him.
“Hey Peroxide, ever heard of slowing down?”
Spike didn’t look over his shoulder. “I have to play Doctor Scott and Eddie, not my fault I need to learn to use this thing again!”
Wait a sec! “Hey, I thought I was playing Eddie!”
“They’re played by the same person, you tit!”
Xander watched Spike roll away and then stormed off in the opposite direction, muttering about how he was going to get revenge for this slight.
Anya strapped on her dancing shoes. She was the only one who didn’t look the least bit panicked. Fred was helping Lorne with his concessions’ outfit for the opening number. Behind her, there was a bouquet of flowers with a note saying Best of luck, Fred and Lorne! Love: Gunn and Connor.
Cordelia burst into the room and all activity stopped. Her mouth was twisted in worry as she looked at her phone.
“Groo broke his leg,” she said, frustrated. “I can’t go on! He’s not going to get himself to the hospital because he’s too proud and he’s hurt and I’m not leaving him alone! Buffy, can you —”
“Already done.” Buffy pushed Cordelia out the door. “We’ll meet you there right as the curtains close, now go!”
The door shut and Buffy sighed. “Okay, we need a Rocky. Xander, could you —”
“No way, Buff-ay. Xan-man never showing that much skin to an audience again — I mean, I would if I did before!” Xander suddenly became very interested in his fingernails.
Buffy turned to Wesley. “Wesley, it’s just for a night and you won’t have to sing —”
Wesley was already walking away. “Just because I look like a porn star doesn’t mean I’m willing to be one.”
Buffy blinked. She hadn’t even commented on the five o’clock shadow Wesley acquired. Out of the corner of her eye, Buffy saw Angel. Everyone else looked at him.
“Angel?” Buffy said quietly. “Take off your clothes.”
Angel immediately did an excellent impression of a deer in headlights. “I’m supposed to be in the audience right now.”
“You won’t need to sing.” Buffy slowly advanced towards him.
“Connor and Gunn are waiting for me.”
Willow was behind Angel, blocking his only exit.
“I would rather be thrown into the ocean in a metal box with no oxygen or blood than go out showing off my ass.”
Buffy traced her forefinger underneath Angel’s chin. “We’ll be able to do a number together. Won’t that be fun?”
Angel blinked as his brain caught up to what was being proposed. Him and Buffy. Together. On stage. He pulled his pants down without warning. “Well, the show must go on, then.”
Lorne finished his rendition of “Science Fiction/Double Feature” to a loud applause. Connor, Gunn, and Dawn were cheering the loudest. But as “Janet” and “Brad” stepped on-stage, Connor looked at the empty seat beside him on his left.
“Where’s Dad?” He whispered.
“Shh!”
Gunn put a placating hand on Connor’s shoulder. “You know how these things turn out. Don’t want this place going all Exorcist on us, with our luck.”
“You can say that again.”
The trio turned their heads to see a flustered Cordelia with a rather apologetic Groo right behind in civies.
“Am I seeing double or would you care to give an explanation.” Gunn looked at the pair furtively.
“I had sent a text offering the theatrical good luck, because it is bad luck to say good luck on opening night.” Groo rubbed the back of his neck. “Unfortunately, I am not good at texting…”
“SHHHH!”
Cordelia ignored the irritated on-goers as she and Groo settled into seats beside Connor. “So, what I read said broke a leg and here we are.”
Dawn’s face paled and she tried not to look at Connor as she understood what the misunderstanding meant. Connor wasn’t sure why Cordy was clenching his hand when she wasn’t performing, but he squeezed back for reassurance.
“You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, WE’RE ALLL LUCKY!”
Gunn smiled at Fred’s energetic delivery as Magenta. And Lorne’s cosmetic spell — thank you, Tara — allowed him to look like he and Fred were genuinely related. As Lorne belted out the first part of “Time Warp”, Gunn noticed Connor silently tapping his foot to the beat and ruffled his hair. Angel might be his father and the kid could occasionally be a pain in the ass, but damn, Gunn wouldn’t trade him for the world.
While the rest of the number went off without a snag — and Anya proved she was a damn good tap-dancer — Gunn couldn’t fight the dread of who was going to be Rocky if not Groo.
Please let it be Xander or Wesley, please let it be Xander or Wesley. God, why didn’t we get an understudy for Groo?!
When Ethan stepped out as Dr. Frank-N-Furter, “Janet” shrieked and “Brad” showed off his comedic timing as their host continued to act coy.
And then…
The lab. Levers flipped. Body wrapped like an Egyptian mummy. And the same height as Groo…
This was gonna suck.
This sucked. Angel thought as he mouthed along with the lyrics — damn Texan must be laughing his ass off right now! — while trying to ignore how everyone could see his ass. There was no way Ethan was faking that level of enthusiasm as he chased after Angel during the number.
He almost laughed from hysterics as Buffy sang out with far too much enthusiasm that she was a muscle man.
At least no one would suspect the terror on Angel’s face was real…
__
Buffy’s hand hovered over Angel’s chest as their number began. Angel relaxed as they circled each other on the stage. “I was feeling done in. Couldn’t win.”
She leaned close to his face and shuddered. “I’ve only ever…kissed…before…”
Keep it together, Buff. Don’t break character. Don’t break character.
Angel hungrily leaned towards her, but Buffy danced away. His eyes narrowed and Buffy smirked, knowing that her back was to the audience. She was gonna make him earn his reward.
“Now all I want to know.
Is how to go
I’ve tasted blood and I want more”
Buffy let Angel advance before she spun away from him again. Before he could react, she grabbed him by the wrists and pinned him to the rolling bed. Buffy locked her legs tight against Angel’s bare thighs — damn, we need to try some spicy stuff at home — and gyrated against his hardening groin.
“Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me!”
Buffy pulled Angel’s hands up and pressed them to her breasts. He squeezed them with little restraint, and Buffy didn’t need to fake the ecstasy at his touch. Without warning, Angel flipped them over and had Buffy flat on her back. Now, he began to thrust against her, groin to groin. He was dipping down and Buffy thought that Angel wanted to try for that kiss again.
Nope. His cool tongue trailed down her collarbone and between her bra line, teasing at the fabric with his teeth. He buried his face between her breasts in worship and continued to thrust as the song — and Buffy — reached its climax.
“Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me
Creature of the night
Creature of the NIGHT!”
Her ecstatic cry and Angel’s stuttered gasps and cries of “Buffy” were drowned out by the audience’s frenzied cheering. Buffy didn’t feel the bed being rolled off stage, nor did she notice how wet her knickers had become. As they were positioned safely offstage, all Buffy concerned herself with was holding Angel against her.
Any sense of rest left Buffy’s mind as Angel eagerly wanted to begin round two.
Thank God no one was going to notice how their scene looked too real for comfort.
Gunn saw Connor’s face turn a nice shade of spoiled milk as the number progressed. To his right, Dawn’s face mirrored Connor’s. Cordelia was uselessly patting Connor’s hand and offering quiet condolences — she could cover his eyes, but not his nose.
“Well, what’s your plan of action, Gunn?” asked Cordelia quietly.
Gunn nodded as he thought. “We let the curtains fall. We wait out back for them. And when it looks like we’re letting them off the hook…we beg Willow and Tara to erase this crime from our minds. You kids okay with that?”
Connor and Dawn silently nodded.
“Doesn’t count as mind rape if we give our consent first,” Dawn mumbled.
Someone had forgotten to let them know that they were going to be on stage soon.
Damn Spike and his vampire sense of smell. “JANET!”
“DOCTOR SCOTT!” Buffy shrieked and hid under the covers.
“Janet…” Riley’s eyes had a blank look to them.
“Brad…” Buffy’s face turned red.
“Rocky,” Ethan purred.
Angel covered his visibly-stained g-string with a plush pillow. Everyone laughed.
“JANET!” Spike’s face was screwed up tight like he was trying not to laugh.
“Doctor Scott!” Buffy glared.
“Janet…” Riley still had that blank look in his eyes.
“Brad…” Buffy wilted.
“Rocky,” Ethan smirked, approvingly.
Angel pressed the pillow tighter against his groin.
Spike covered his mouth to muffle his giggling. “Janet!”
“Doctor Scott!” Buffy threw a pillow at him in her anger.
“Janet…” Riley collapsed to the floor.
“Brad!” Buffy facepalmed at her ex-boyfriend. Like he never walked in on someone having sex before?
Andrew sucked on his pipe and coughed.
“And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race...
Lost in time
And lost in space
And meaning.”
The curtains had barely closed before everyone stood up and roared their approval. Fred — green make-up and all — and Lorne got the loudest applause. Ethan caught a rose that a teary-eyed Giles in the front row had tossed to him when he made his bow. Buffy stood proudly between Angel and Riley, all dressed in matching corsets, lingerie and feather boas. They were hand in hand as they made their bows together. Then, smiling mischievously, she kissed them both on the cheeks before pushing Riley away to absolutely devour Angel’s mouth to the jeering delight of the crowd.
Angel smiled when the kiss broke, but as he gazed out at the fans, his eyes shrunk.
“Buffy…” She followed where he was looking and saw Dawn and Connor still in their seats. Cordelia and Gunn were glowering at them in disapproval. Groo looked like a guilty man waiting to be hung. And without a broken leg, it seemed.
Buffy’s mouth dropped in shock. “Aw shit!”