Chapter Text
Hurry up and wait. It had been a theme throughout their time in the army. Hurry up and wait for where to report, for orders, for paperwork, wait until the enemy makes themselves known. Hurry up and wait for a decision to be made about where the hell they all were headed for next. The men were kept busy on menial tasks. Dick attempted to keep himself from thinking too much. Physical training helped, praying helped, listening to Lewis talk about nothing in particular helped, the Austrian summer weather helped.
En route to his own room, Dick found Lewis and Harry out on the patio of the hotel where officers were billeted. They sat sprawled in arm chairs they had dragged onto the patio that branched from the lobby. They doled out pours from one of Lewis’s Goering bottles while they basked in the sun, fluffy clouds lazily breezed overhead.
“What’s the good word, Major?” Harry asked, nodding to the unopened letters that Dick held. Approaching Lewis's armchair, Dick perched on the arm and ripped open the first envelope.
“Mama Winters ain't too thrilled huh?” Lewis asked from his seat beside Dick, shamelessly leaning over to read the letter as well. “Tell mother Barnes yet?”
“I did. I expect another telling off from her too.” Dick missed Mrs. Barnes and couldn’t imagine the strife she must be going through. She’d lost her son, her husband; Elaine came and went, and she still faced losing her American son as well.
“Parent-trooper to a paratrooper.” Lewis read aloud and chuckled. “The Winters family still has some humor yet.”
“Where else would Dick have gotten his marvelous sense of humor?” Harry deadpanned though with a playful glimmer in his eye. Dick gave him a signature up and down eye flick before looking down at Lewis.
“What do you think, Nix? Sure sounds like Harry’s platoon wants some extra PT assigned.” It was an empty threat but earned a lazy middle fingered salute from Harry anyway.
“So what about DeEtta?” Harry asked. “You tell her about Japan?” Beside Dick, Lewis suddenly busied himself with lighting a cigarette.
“No, I haven't. Not yet.” Dick sighed. He had been avoiding DeEtta, as he had a tendency to do.
“That girl is in love with you, you know.” Lewis sat back and inspected the ash on his cigarette instead of looking up at Dick and tapped the ash onto the stone below. “Not that I can blame her. Ought to let her know she's still got some time yet before you come back the handsome decorated hero and drop down on one knee.”
Dick had zero intentions of doing such a thing. He'd tried to keep DeEtta at a distance, though she didn't seem to notice. Love is blind or so they say. Harry glanced up and seemed to read Dick’s expression.
“Come on, Dick, you've been writing the poor girl the whole war and she's gonna have nothing to show for it?” Harry shook his head before turning his attention towards Lewis, “What about your English gal? I know you still write her some.”
“She'll get a letter when we know if we're going or not.” Lewis shrugged.
“And if we're not?” Dick asked. He couldn’t hide his curiosity even if he tried. Not that he could hide much from Lewis anyway.
“Then I gotta come up with some other excuse as to why I'm not gonna see her again.” He glanced up, meeting Dick’s eyes and holding them for just a moment longer than he perhaps should have. He hadn’t expected Dick to comment on it really, and when he said nothing Lewis moved the conversation along. Tearing his gaze away from Dick’s subtly confused expression, he looked back to Harry, “And I suspect Kitty has all her wedding plans ready?”
“Every last detail; the only thing left is me.” Harry grinned wide.
While Dick still felt firm in his faith, he found himself less and less interested in Father Mahoney's services. Instead he ventured up the mountain. The strain on his body felt good. Like those misty mornings spent in solitude as he hiked Currahee. He found a quiet spot where he could look out into a valley and watch the clouds leisurely roll in and out. Sunlight would flit through the clouds and paint the valley in gold that stood in stark contrast to the blue water below. Like stained glass, he had thought. A church of its own. Not a church made by man. Not the faith that told him that his existence was wrong and placed whatever limitations they wanted on spirituality. This was a church of God's making, the God that was just and fair and wouldn’t give Dick more than he could handle.
Sitting in the grass of his mountainside pew on a Sunday morning, with the sun glittering over the water below, he tried to recall the last time he felt that sense of peace. Rachamps came to mind, when he'd questioned what kept him back from Lewis and the relief he felt when he gave in. The closest feeling to holy he’d had in a long, long while.
When he returned to his room he found Lewis still asleep in his bed. Hair a mess, one arm draped over the edge of the mattress, mouth slightly agape and body twisted into the sheets. Dick glanced down at his watch, almost 10:30. Dick wouldn’t wake him, not yet. Instead he went through the suite onto the tiny balcony where he started on responding to his letters.
Harry was right. Dick may have tried to justify to himself that he made no promises to DeEtta but it wasn’t enough. He had to be clear with her once and for all. He hated that he risked losing her friendship, but he knew he was being unfair to her, and had known for some time.
This isn't what you want to hear or have me write. Actually, I should write about love and how sweet you are. I could if I wanted to.
But he didn’t.
I know all those words from movies and magazines. But that wouldn't be right. I don't feel that way and I don't want you to think that way. What I want for you is to get married to some good guy that comes along. There's always a couple around. You need a husband and a family to really be happy.
I like and enjoy seeing you write ‘Love, De.’ and all that, but I don't want you to actually feel that way because it's just going to end in you getting hurt.
Everybody talks about love like you would a beautiful church or a sunset. It seems to be something holy. If I were to be asked “haven't you ever been in love?” I’d answer "I don't think so”. I feel like you do when these hard working christians stop you on the street and ask you if you've been saved.
Hell, I don't know! I go to church. I read the Bible. Pray and do what I think is right, but I've never had any assurance that I was going to heaven and I am not sure if I am saved. It's the same with love. I don't know. Do you feel different, act different? What is it?
That seemed to be the hardest part about sorting his thoughts and feelings. No assurances. He had made peace before with who he was in the context of his faith. Like when he had acknowledged that he had no interest in women but that didn’t mean he had to sin. With Lewis, it didn’t feel like sin, didn’t feel guilty.
A little after 11 hundred, Dick decided Lewis had slept in enough. Though he suspected Lewis might have som e choice words for him. He started by gently shaking him and saying his name. Lewis pried an eye open, groaned, grabbed Dick’s sleeve and rolled. Dick let himself be pulled down onto the mattress, his arm draped over the sleepy man and his chest against Lewis’s back.
“Where do you go?” Lewis groggily asked. “On Sundays.” He mumbled into his pillow as he shifted to get comfortable. Dick propped himself up on one arm to look down at the half slumbering man.
“Would you like me to show you sometime? It's a bit of a hike.” Dick warned. Lewis mulled it over and his curiosity seemed to win out.
“Yeah, I'd like that.”
“Not gonna make a career of the Army?” The Major General had asked Dick during their meeting about his transfer.
Dick couldn’t answer yes or no. He thought he knew what he wanted going into this meeting and now he tripped over his own words. Life in the Army was so second nature to him now, so natural. What else would he do? Return back to Pennsylvania and farm when he had absolutely no experience? It was a pipe dream. Something to daydream about while sitting in the pouring rain and waiting for enemy contact. The idea of bringing it to fruition? Unrealistic and Dick Winters was, if anything, a practical man.
“You’ve done enough.” The Major General told him.
Dick couldn’t comprehend it. He was an experienced, dependable soldier. Wouldn’t that be ideal? He could have purpose . What did he offer now? Ordering drills and signing papers. Crafting new positions and tasks for his men so they didn’t fall into a pit of listlessness. He’d seen that footage of Okinawa. He should be there. He should be making a difference. What was he worth if he wasn’t doing all that he was capable of, if he wasn’t useful ?
In the end it wouldn’t matter. His transfer request was denied. If Dick was denied, almost certainly was Lewis too. There was still the faintest threat of the Pacific if they were needed and of course the option to become a career man in the Army would remain if Dick wanted. And if that career was this ? This hell of waiting and desk sitting and meeting attending, that wasn’t the Army to Dick. Without combat, his most pertinent skills were null. Sink would only go on to repeat the same things that Dick didn’t want to hear. Dick had found a sense of peace in looking forward to his potential transfer. With it denied, restlessness seeped back in.
Lewis had taken to hiding some of his alcohol in Dick’s locker again. Bottles from Goering's cellar now lived underneath Dick’s socks and underwear. Dick had only come to his quarters to retrieve a list he’d written that morning when he found Lewis hunched over his locker, digging out another bottle from the several he’d already shared that day with his usual suspects. Dick merely rolled his eyes as Lewis straightened.
“Really need to hide it?”
“Do you have any idea how much a bottle like this costs?” Lewis asked in reply, holding the wine aloft.
“I don’t.” Dick shook his head with a soft smile. “Do you?” as if Lewis ever looked at the cost of his taste a day in his life.
“Touché.” Lewis saluted him and brought the bottle to his lips. “You sure you won’t try some? If you’re gonna drink, it might as well be the good stuff.”
Dick stared at the bottle for a long minute. He had to admit he was tempted. He remembered that burning sip on D-day. That sharp, bitter taste of whatever it was the men had found. He took the bottle from Lewis and that alone left the other man gawking. He brought the bottle close to his nose and inhaled. It was more mellow than expected. Still alcohol for sure, but sweet, like the communion wine he had tasted on Lewis’s lips in Rachamps. He couldn’t say he rather disliked it, or maybe it was just the memory that made it sweeter. He lowered it once more and shook his head. If he was going to taste alcohol, it wouldn’t be from a bottle he decided. Lewis took the bottle back with a shrug before drinking again.
Dick watched his mouth meet the bottle, watched his Adam's apple bob several times before he pulled away with a satisfied sigh. Lewis licked his lips before his gaze met Dick’s.
“Don’t you look at me like that. It’s the middle of the afternoon.” Lewis teased and set the bottle down anyway. Dick shrugged and stepped closer. “For a man who doesn’t gamble, you sure like taking risks.” Lewis shuffled closer until the toes of their shoes bumped. Dick was a calculating man, it was well known. Though that didn’t mean he didn’t ever take risks. Like requesting trial by court martial, or the way he ordered their formation through the snow after Foy. Calculated risks.
“So then lock the door if you’re so worried.” Dick said simply. Calculated risk indeed. Lewis didn’t need telling twice, turning promptly and perhaps all too quickly scrambling to turn the lock. Lewis swore he could feel Dick smirking at his back.
Dick had never considered himself a particularly domineering or wanting person and Lewis certainly wasn’t one to be told what to do. Yet, Dick easily backed Lewis up against the now secured door without any hesitancy and Lewis gave no opposition. Lewis was almost surprised, almost. There was something that Lewis brought out in Dick, and what Dick brought out from Lewis in return. Exceptions to each other's rules. This is what he’d been trying to pull from Dick, Lewis thought as the back of his head thudded against the wooden door and Dick’s lips hungrily met his. Dick was always so reserved and in this moment he could let that go. Lew encouraged it, hooking an arm around the back of the other man's neck, pulling Dick in closer and opening his mouth.
He’d forgotten how wine made him feel. Loose and fluid. Lewis’s senses swam with the wine coursing through him and Dick’s hands felt hot even through the thickness of his uniform. Craving more contact, he arched against the slightly taller man's body. Dick shifted, his thigh sliding between Lew’s and Lewis took up the opportunity to grind against it. He felt so much more heightened than whiskey would’ve allowed. He rolled his hips again, the scratch of fabric tingled against his skin. Dick groaned into Lewis’s mouth, feeling how Lewis wantonly rubbed his erection on Dick’s thigh. A thought passed through the back of Dick’s mind to let Lewis continue like this, he could press his thigh up just a bit firmer and see how long it took before Lewis whimpered and brought himself to orgasm just from this friction alone.
“I doubt I have long … before Harry … or Sparky come sniffing around.” Lewis panted between kisses. In reply, Dick pulled away from the door and tugged Lewis with him. Together they stumbled their way through the suite to the bedroom where Lewis voluntarily let himself flop backwards onto the mattress. He busied himself with unbuckling his pants while Dick dug through the duffle bag where he’d last seen that precious tub of Vaseline. Dick knelt over Lewis impatiently before Lewis could even pull his pants off fully. Ankles still stuck in a tangle of fabric, he preened for Dick’s touch, rolling onto his side and twisting to meet Dick’s lips as he leaned down to meet him.
Dick blindly opened the little tin with one hand. He tried his best to warm it against his fingers but Lewis still let out a soft gasp when he rubbed a lubed fingertip over his hole. The wine mixed with his lust made relaxing and letting Dick slowly work him open much easier. Lewis gripped the front of Dick’s shirt, keeping the man anchored down to him. He was about to complain that they didn’t have all day when Dick slightly pulled away and tapped his hip,
“Turn over.” Dick straightened and Lewis’s cock eagerly throbbed when he heard the tell tale clink of Dick’s belt being undone. Lew scrambled to flip, still mostly dressed and making no effort to finish the short work of his shoes or pants. He grabbed for a pillow instead and stuffed it under his torso. He had assumed this position enough times in his life to know the motions. Dick took an extra level of care to go slow and move as gently as he could while Lewis let out a long slow breath as his body filled.
“Dick, I'm not gonna break.” Lewis huffed impatiently and glanced over his shoulder. Dick rolled his eyes and gripped the back of Lewis's shirt, using it for leverage to pull Lew back and meet his thrust. The loud mewl Lewis emitted would've been embarrassing if he were with anyone else.
“Better?” Dick asked as his hips found a faster rhythm and Lewis didn't need to look to know that Dick was smirking.
“Much!” He gasped into the pillow beneath him, closing his eyes. He let his body relax into the rocking of their movements. He snaked a hand beneath him and wrapped it around his neglected cock, releasing another loud assuaged moan. Dick leaned forward, a hand planting beside Lewis's head and Lew’s unoccupied hand linked around Dick's wrist, feeling the other man's wild pulse under his fingertips.
Lewis found himself getting lost in a sea of pleasure. The hold on the back of his shirt kept him tethered to earth as his body coiled up tighter and tighter. He suddenly noticed the halt of Dicks sharp breaths before he realized that Dick had stopped moving altogether and Lewis had been rocking himself back onto Dick.
“Wha-” Lewis began to ask what was wrong, why he had stopped, when Dick cut him off with a harsh shush.
Talking. The muffled sound of several men talking. In their haste, neither man thought to shut the door leading onto the balcony. If they could hear the faint sounds of the surrounding rooms with open windows, they certainly could hear them. Lewis glanced over his shoulder and could see in Dicks eyes that he was assessing if they'd perhaps been heard.
The conversation outside continued. Several men must be gathered on a balcony; either several rooms over or perhaps the room above them. Releasing a frustrated huff, Lewis let his body subtly rock, gauging if Dick would scold him for it. As far as he could tell, no suspicions had been raised. A warning look was shot in his direction but no action was made to stop his movements. Lewis pressed back harder and he watched Dicks jaw tighten to silence himself. Dick’s resolve had to be stronger than Lewis’s because when Lew pushed back once more, that sweet spot inside sent a jolt through his body
“Oh, fuck!” the words fell from him carelessly. The grip on the back of his shirt tightened and he felt Dick pull him up on his knees, until his back hit the other man's chest. Before he could protest, a hand lightly clamped over Lewis mouth,
“You have to be quiet!” Dick hissed against the shell of his ear. Lewis nodded and dropped his head back against Dick’s shoulder. Hand still over his mouth, Dick watched his face carefully as he gave a slow, tentative thrust. The brunet let out a sharp exhale but otherwise remained quiet, nodding silently as he begged for Dick to continue. Keeping his hand over Lewis’s mouth for security, he picked up his pace once more, careful not to let their bodies meet too harshly for fear of the echoing sound. Lewis felt that tension quickly build back up within himself and within a few strokes of his own hand he was releasing a cry into Dick’s palm and he struggled to avoid cumming onto his own uniform.
“Shh…” Dick whispered and wrapped his other arm around Lewis’s torso as he relaxed against him. Pleasure rolled through Dick, along his spine in a wave and he dropped his head into the crook of Lewis’s neck when the tension finally cut loose. Breathing hard, Dick reluctantly released Lewis, freeing him to crane his neck for a panting kiss.
Lewis lazily pulled his ODs into place and slumped forward onto his stomach. He glanced over his shoulder and watched Dick smooth his own clothing back into place and secure his belt.
“I oughta send that Robert character a thank you card.” He laughed and patted around the mattress for where his lighter and cigarettes might’ve fallen, “For the time he put into you.”
“It wasn’t much time really.” Dick bent down to scoop up the lighter from the ground, flipped it open and leaned over to light the cigarette now waiting between Lewis’s lips. When Lew gave him a curious furrowed look, he elaborated, “It was only one time.”
“What?” Lewis quickly flipped over and sat up to look at Dick’s reddened face. It was unclear whether the color was from the exertion of their activities or from embarrassment of his admission. “You only fucked the guy once?”
“...Well, I didn’t…he was …” Dick stuttered through, suddenly back to being a shy well mannered man. Realization slowly dawned on Lewis, that Dick had only ever had one other intimate experience and that he also had been the one on the receiving end of things.
“Why didn’t you say anything?!” Lewis asked, then shook his head, “You think you know a guy…”
“You didn’t ask.” Dick shrugged. “And I didn’t want what I had with him.” Lewis let himself read too much into the statement and his stomach performed a flustered flip.
Lewis lingered in the room after that, lazing on his back with several post sex cigarettes. In the distance, from the still open doors, someone called for Lewis. The drunken noise of Harry and Spiers lumbering up the stairs to the hotel. Lewis groaned as he sat up. He recollected his bottle of wine and walked over to where Dick sat at the writing desk in the corner of the suite.
“Duty calls.” He leaned down and when Dick glanced up from the list before him he was met with a kiss. It was quick and with a simple ease that left Dick struck with how second nature it felt. He was still reeling when Lewis left to rejoin his fellow revelers before they could spot where had been this whole time.
Lewis spotted the bloom of red between waving leaves and picked up his pace,
“I thought it might be you.” Lewis’s voice drifted from up the path. Dick hadn’t seen Lewis yet that morning, hadn’t seen him since that domestic kiss the evening before. Glancing down at his watch, Dick was surprised Lewis was still awake.
“Morning.”
“Yeah, I heard reports about a redheaded Eskimo. Thought I’d check it out.” Lewis was disheveled to say the least.
“Come to join me for a morning swim?” Dick teased and Lewis laughed,
“Yeah, you know me so well.” Lewis shifted to extend a packaged folder from under his arm, “Here, from Zilenski.”
“Oh, great!” Dick immediately recognized what it was and turned to perch along the water bank beside Lewis, “Ran into the regimental photographer. He said he had all these photographs of the 506, going all the way back to Toccoa.” Dick explained as he unraveled the folder and opened it up, “I traded them for a couple of lugers.”
“That’s a bargain.” Lewis looked over Dick’s shoulder as he fingered through the little pockets and paused at one with a soft chuckle. There in black and white Lewis and Dick stood shoulder to shoulder in their class A’s. Lewis couldn’t quite recall when the picture was taken. After their first successful jump? It seemed like a lifetime ago. Simultaneously both yesterday and forever ago. He’s known Dick, what, three years now? Day in and day out seeing his redheaded companion. To think they were so close to going back to their civilian lives. He in New Jersey and Dick…
“What do you think you’ll do after this?” he turned to look at Dick’s profile as he rifled through the pictures.
“I’ll get some breakfast.” Dick replied distractedly and Lewis looked down for a moment and stifled a scoff. God, Dick could have such a single track mind.
“No, after, after .” Nerves bubbled in Lewis’s stomach.
Dick stopped his sorting and looked over at Lewis who couldn’t manage to hold his gaze. Dick closed the accordion folder and set it aside,
“Well, it’s funny you should mention it, cause I had a meeting with Colonel Sink…”
“Really?” Lewis raised a brow, surprised he hadn’t heard about it until now. He thought they were past Dick keeping secrets.
“Yeah….” Dick looked down to where his heels rested in the dirt path, “Yeah, discussed the possibility of staying.” He forced himself to look up again, where Lewis was attempting to keep a neutral expression.
“In the army?” Lewis clarified as if there was any other option. As if Dick was going to take up occupancy on the mountain side and raise goats.
“Yeah. Yeah, as a career.”
“What did you say?”
“Said I’d think about it.”
Think about it. Course he would. Lewis knew that Dick thrived here. With his structure and authority. Many men faced the harsh reality of coming back home and starting from square one. Where you were just another nobody soldier looking for a job, just the same as everyone else. He knew Sink had his eyes on Dick for a career man, all the way back at Toccoa during those officer Olympics. Dick could be happy, Lewis supposed, being an Army man. He should let Dick be happy. Let him pick this path of less resistance. But goddamn if Lewis Nixon wasn’t a selfish man.
“What do you think of New Jersey?”
“New Jersey?”
“There’s a company in Nixon, New Jersey. It’s called Nixon Nitration Works.”
“Sounds picturesque.” Dick smirked.
“Oddly enough, I know the owners.” He and Dick shared a scoff, “Probably gonna expect me to make something of myself. I thought maybe I’d … drag you with me.” Lewis watched for a moment as Dick processed his words.
“Are you offering me a job?” Dick asked. It wasn’t just a job offer, they both knew that, yet somehow the truth couldn’t be said out loud.
“We’ll see how you do in your interview.” Which was only a half joke on Lewis’s part. Dick would have to pass Stanhope’s intimidation, “But, uh, you know, a man of your qualifications, I think we’d probably scrape something up commensurate with your current salary level.”
A smile graced Dick’s face as Lewis did his best to decipher every miniscule movement that Dick made, what it meant.
“Yeah, I’ll think about it…I, uh, I really appreciate it.”
“Yeah, just think about it.”
“Yeah.” Dick repeated softly and pushed himself to stand. They hadn’t discussed what they’d become…what they were doing. This…distraction. Though now there was little need for distraction, yet they continued anyway. Leaving Lewis on the bank, Dick walked out onto the dock.
Lewis watched Dick swim out, knowing that he was likely weighing the pros and cons in his mind. He really did hope Dick would go back to New Jersey with him, he’d respect whatever choice Dick made. It would be a leap of faith, but Lewis was willing. In fact, he realized it was the most optimistic he’d felt about the future in a long, long while.
He laid back onto the dock, the sun bright even behind his closed lids. If these were his last days beside Dick, he’d take what he could get. Lew had caught him at a good time, asking him just before his swim, when he used his exercise routine as a form of meditation, to think through anything on his mind. As Dick swam out and turned to float on his back he could make out the messy form of Lewis on the dock, sitting beside the towel and t-shirt he’d left behind.
After a light doze, Lewis returned to the folder of pictures. He recognized several of the captured moments. Drills at Toccoa, Red Cross nurses smiling at Aldbourne, one of Lewis and Dick sitting at a table in with Dicks soft smile turned towards Lewis, a group of men in Foy with their arms slung over one another just before an enemy sniper made their last stand and Shifty easily took them out.
“Towel!” Dick emerged from the freezing water, “Towel, towel, towel!” He pleaded with an outstretched hand and Lewis tossed it to him.
“Look at these two kids.” Lewis turned the photograph he had been admiring towards Dick. They really did look like kids, kneeling beside a tent at Tocca, “What the hell happened to them?”
“New Jersey, huh?” Dick asked, vigorously rubbing the towel along his arms to warm himself.
“Yeah. Think about it.” He wouldn’t pressure Dick.
“Yeah, I am. You awake yet?”
“Awake? Time to go to bed.” He groaned as he stood. He looked out at the water, then to where Dick stood knee deep. Fuck it. He turned abruptly and dove off the end of the dock. The cold water shocked his body even through his layers of clothing and he emerged sputtering and cussing while Dick laughed. That deep earnest laugh that was so hard to pull from the ever stoic man.
The Japanese finally surrendered in August, lifting a final looming possibility from over the men. Things were truly over. If they weren’t being sent home right away, furloughs were being approved one after another. Lewis wanted to go to London, and asked Dick to accompany him. Dick wanted to go, to follow Lewis just about anywhere. London, Paris, New Jersey, they all sounded equally appealing. Instead he opted for Albourne, he wanted to see Mrs. Barnes one more time before heading back stateside. He felt he owed her at least that much.
Mrs. Barnes burst into tears the moment she saw Dick. She pulled him into a tight motherly embrace and Dick found it just as comforting as if he were her blood. She pulled back and cupped his face,
“Look at you!” She blinked away her own tears and tilted Dick’s face this way and that, ensuring her adopted son was indeed whole. The Barnes’ home felt so large now, Dick thought as he sat with the white haired woman. No Elaine chatting about her favorite book. No Mr.Barnes smoking his pipe in his armchair. No Harry and Lewis shuffling about and bantering. Quiet, so, so quiet.
Dick kept himself busy. He found a sense of normalcy in helping Mrs. Barnes with the tasks she could not tend to on her own. Even under the hot late summer sun, yard work felt good. Productive. Useful. The topic of what was next came up over tea.
“Why wouldn’t you want to return home?” Mrs. Barnes asked one evening, moving to take the screaming kettle off the stove. Dick sighed and slumped back in his seat not so unlike an exasperated teenager.
“I know I should want to. To see my family, and I do, I miss them. But what is there for me beyond that? My father has talked to a few people about a job. I can take any job, really, sun up to sun down. Clock in, clock out. Everyday the same cycle.”
“An honest day's work.” the mature woman nodded sagely and poured the boiling water into their respective cups, “I know you’re not afraid of that.” she casted him a knowing look.
“Sure, but what does it add up to?” Dick asked and gave a soft thanks as Mrs. Barnes handed him his cup of tea. The first sip tasted like home in a way. Warmth and comfort and peace. Guilt ate away at him that he didn’t think he’d feel this back in his own parents’ home. Mrs. Barnes reached out a wrinkled hand and rested it over Dick’s,
“It adds up to a life, love. What we do beyond the nine to five.” she gave his hand a soft squeeze before withdrawing. Dick wasn’t so sure he totally agreed. He needed his work to mean something, and it wouldn’t mean much of anything at Nixon Nitration. There was a trade off of having Lewis in his life, in whatever capacity that may be.
“Well, Nixon, you remember him?” And Mrs. Barnes nodded, “He’s offered me a job in New Jersey. I think I’m going to accept it.”
Mrs. Barnes’ brows lifted slightly and she smiled, “And you’ll be happy there?”
“Worth a try.” Dick shrugged. Mrs. Barnes’ nodded and raised her cup to her lips once more, lost in thought.
“Mr. Barnes never did like that man, Nixon.” She said suddenly before taking another sip and continued before Dick could say anything in Lewis’s defense, “I’ll admit, I was slow to warm up to him too. But he’s a good man, even if he doesn’t want others to know.” she hummed a laugh.
Dick braced his elbows on his knees, between his fingertips he twirled a piece of edelweiss. Clockwise and counter Dick watched the little petals blend together into a blur of white. Lewis had complained nearly the whole way up the mountain. Dick didn't mind the hike taking some extra time. Lewis had wanted to join him and that was enough.
“Lew?”
“Hm?” Lewis grunted beside him where he lay stretched out in the long soft grass, one arm bent to tuck his hand under his head and the other hand pinching a cigarette between his fingers. His eyes were closed behind his ray bans, enjoying the sun and breeze.
“I’ve been thinking about it, and I really do want to go back to New Jersey with you.” Dick began. This caught Lewis’s attention and he blinked his eyes open to quickly sit up. The way that Dick refused to look over at him made Lewis’s heart clench.
“Great, then come back with me.” Lewis cut Dick off from finishing the rest of his thought, “If that’s what you want, then that’s all there is to it.” his voice pleaded. Dick could feel Lewis scanning over his profile and closed his eyes to the sensation of being observed. Dick had told DeEtta before that he intended to follow his head and not his heart, which made this all the more difficult.
“Dick, it’s not that complicated.” He continued, trying to reason, “You’re allowed to want things. You’re allowed to act on that. Is there some other duty you feel like you’re not fulfilling?”
“That’s not it-”
“Bullshit! You’ll let everyone else’s expectations form your own. But what do you want?” Lewis pushed and Dick swore he’s had this exact conversation before with DeEtta.
“Of course I want to go home with you Lew!” Dick snapped and finally opened his eyes to look over at the other man, “But I can’t give you the things you want!” He had hoped to explain it more gently but it came tumbling out, “The life you lived before. The agreement between you and Kathy. I’m not that kind of person, and you know it…..and, well, I'm in love with you, Lew, you have to know that by now.”
Dick had expected Lewis to be surprised perhaps by this assessment and declaration. Or saddened by the reality. Instead Lewis smiled around his cigarette, dark eyes looking Dick up and down. Like he knew some secret joke that Dick didn’t.
“What?” Dick urged impatiently
“Dick, you think I don’t know that you’re a one on one kinda guy?” Lewis laughed and pulled the cigarette from his lips and squashed it into the dirt, “If I wanted what I had with Kathy I certainly wouldn’t have chosen an uptight Pennsylvanian Quaker.”
Lewis smiled even wider at the exact facial expression he expected from Dick. That flat, deadpan, with a hint of withering look. He knew Dick was actually relieved to hear Lewis agree to mutual exclusivity out loud.
“What would that even look like?” Dick shook his head with a sigh, “Lying to our families? Arrive to work at different times to act like we didn’t just arrive from the same place? Lew, we won’t even be able to go to the grocery store together without raising suspicion.”
“We’ve made it this far haven’t we?” Lewis looked down at the space between them and reached out to where Dick’s hand rested in the grass. He curled his fingers around Dick’s and gave a reassuring squeeze. Dick regarded their hold as he considered Lewis’s words. He knew that some of the other men had to have noticed their particular attachment to one another, he’d seen that suspicious look in Harry and Lipton’s eyes more than once.
“We’ve been lucky.” Dick clarified.
“I’m willing to take the risk.” Lewis lifted Dick’s hand from the ground and pulled it into his lap, palm up so he could idly trace the lines there, “No one will think twice about me letting an army buddy live with me, and if -or when- the time comes we can get you a decoy apartment. I’d have to go to work separately from you anyway, I’d keep different hours than you, I don’t even go in most days. You’d stay later than you need to, because I know you would insist on it. Then you’d come home and we’d eat dinner that I made. We’d wash dishes and listen to the radio before going to bed. And you’ll probably try to read before falling asleep and I’ll only let you get a few pages in before I can’t keep my hands off you. In our bed, in our home. And on weekends we can go into the city and have dinner with Blanche because she’ll know about us. We won’t even have to say anything, no explanations.”
When Lewis had originally asked Dick to follow him home he thought Lewis had done so on impulse, in the same way Lew did a lot of things. He realized now that Lewis had truly thought about it. He knew the risks and wanted it anyway. Wanted a life that was so unlike what he had before. Dick had to admit to himself that he had similar fantasies but that’s all they had been, fantasies, day dreams. He never would’ve considered that this…affair… between them would translate back into civilian life. Yet as Lewis spoke, Dick could see it all, feel it all. He could see a life with this man.
“And what if I don’t want to stay in New Jersey? At Nixon Nitration?”
“Then we’ll leave.” Lewis replied simply, “Wherever you want to go Dick, let's go. There’s a trust left to me, the funds will be released when I turn 30. Three years, and then we’re footloose and fancy-free.”
Dick had to tear his gaze away from Lewis’s pleading eyes and he turned his head toward the expanse of white topped mountain in the distance.
“Originally, I thought I’d return to Pennsylvania. I like being close to my family. Dad said he’d keep an eye out for farmland for me. I’ve always pictured myself living somewhere simple and peaceful. I don’t think I could picture you living like that.”
“I could,” Lewis protested, “I could, so long as you were there, because I love you too, damn it.”
Dick nodded. “Okay, I’ll go back with you.” Together they agreed, surrounded by the stained glass of the earth and under the sacred roof of mountain clouds, this church of mother nature’s making.