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He had nothing to live for. The one person he had trusted had betrayed him. And because of his betrayal, now everyone looked at him like he was going to do the same. No one wanted him around.
He would be better off dead...
"Nii-san?"
Bamba was brought out of his thoughts by someone tugging on his sleeve. He glanced over to look at Towa. Towa seemed worried.
"Yes?" Bamba asked.
"Do we really have to leave?"
"Yes. We do."
Bamba couldn't tell Towa anything about why they were suddenly packing up and leaving the tribe. Towa didn't need to know anything about what had happened. He deserved to stay innocent.
"I'm nervous..." Towa mumbled, moving closer to Bamba's side.
"It'll be fine. I'm here." Bamba reassured him, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him into a hug.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
Bamba stared up at the stars above. As much as he wanted to just give up this life, he had someone who needed him still. He couldn't leave Towa behind. Especially without any explanation for why he would do such a thing.
Guess he had to keep going for a while longer...
...
Wasn't time supposed to heal all wounds? Why did nothing ever get better? Why did he still feel the same? Why did that day ruin him? He couldn't even bring himself to open up at all to anyone because of the past.
He was pathetic. Everyone would be better off without him around to complicate everything.
Bamba had the thought of leaving Towa with the other Ryusoulgers and just disappearing. Towa would have people to support him still that way. And then he didn't have to keep pretending that he was alright when he was anything but that.
Would Towa hate him if he learned what he wanted to do?
He tried to put the plan into action. Towa and him were spending the night with the others. It was the perfect time to just vanish without a trace. If he wanted to do it, now was his chance.
Towa was asleep on the floor nearby him. Bamba was careful as he got up. He glanced around the room. Did he take anything or did he just go and figure out what to do when he got there? He hadn't planned the next step very well.
He decided it was better to leave things as they were. If they saw what was missing it could lead them to come looking for him. He shouldn't give any indication of what he was doing. He just needed to vanish.
Bamba took a glance at Towa and then left the house. He stood outside, shivering slightly as a breeze whipped by. This was it. If he did this... there wasn't much option to go back.
Where did he even go? Where was a place no one was going to find him? He didn't ever want to found again. Didn't want any of them to know what became of him. How did he do that? Did he just go far away to where they would probably never go? Was that his best option here?
"Nii-san?"
Bamba jumped at the sudden voice. He turned around. Towa was standing in the doorway, staring at him.
"Yes?" Bamba tried to act calm.
"What are you doing out here?"
"Couldn't sleep. Came out for some air. Go back to bed." Bamba replied.
"Can I sleep with you?" Towa asked, giving him a pleading look.
"Why?"
Had Towa noticed something was off about him?
"I had a bad dream..."
"Fine. Come on."
Bamba went back inside with Towa. He couldn't leave now. Towa wanted him. Looks like he would have to try again another day.
They crawled into the makeshift bed together. Towa cuddled up beside him.
"You're getting too old for this." Bamba commented as he pulled Towa closer and ruffled his hair.
"You keep letting me do this though." Towa hummed in reply.
Bamba didn't reply. He had always been quite lenient on caving to what Towa wanted. Mostly because he never knew when Towa might lose him. He wanted to make sure Towa had as many happy memories as he could of the two of them.
But every time Bamba thought he might finally go through with it, Towa seemed to show up at just the right time to ask for something. Bamba had to keep it together for Towa. Had to act normal and stay the strong older brother he knew. That meant always going and doing what he wanted.
Would he ever be brave enough to be selfish for once?
...
Bamba didn't know how he had made it this far. Somehow he hadn't gone through with anything. Somehow he was still here. Still with everyone. Still with Towa. Still pretending that he was fine.
And then things came out. There was a minosaur. And said minosaur was able to make people feel depressed.
Without hesitating, Bamba had thrown himself in front of Towa and taken a hit of the power. Everyone had been very concerned, seeing as every person that had been hit had been suddenly unable to function.
"Are you alright?" Bamba glanced back at Towa.
"Yeah..." Towa nodded. He looked nervous as he looked at Bamba.
Bamba felt no different than usual. And that was the first time he realized just what he had been feeling this entire time.
"Are you okay?" Asuna asked him.
"I'm fine. I can fight like this." Bamba replied.
"Eh?"
Bamba was already going back on the offensive. He heard the confusion in Asuna's voice, but tried not to think too hard about it. He could play off being able to function, couldn't he? He had faked it this long, he could fake this too.
The minosaur got away, unfortunately. Just when they thought they had the minosaur, the Druidons always seemed to get involved and prevent it. This time was no different.
"Bamba? Are you sure you're okay?"
Everyone was immediately surrounding him in concern. Bamba didn't know what to do or say. How did he get them to back off?
"Nothing I can't handle." He stated.
That didn't seem to have helped. He was forcibly made to go back to the house. No one seemed to think he was good enough to keep fighting with them. They had a good reason, Bamba knew that. He wasn't the first of them to get hit. The other one was definitely having a much worse time handling these feelings.
"You guys are back... and the minosaur isn't dead." Melto greeted them as they returned. He had gotten hit in a previous fight. He was struggling.
"It got away again thanks to Wiseru." Koh sighed.
"Why aren't you chasing it then?"
"Because someone else got hit by that attack." Asuna stated, giving Bamba a firm look.
"I told you I'm fine." Bamba retorted. "I don't see why you can't believe me."
"You got hit by an attack that makes you feel like shit, to put it in simple terms. How the hell are you going to say you're okay?" Asuna argued back.
"Because it isn't bothering me enough to the point I can't function."
"Lucky..." Melto cursed under his breath.
"I don't get how, though." Asuna wasn't done arguing with Bamba yet.
"How am I supposed to know?" Bamba shot back. "I just know I feel well enough to keep going."
"How well is well enough?" Koh asked.
Bamba didn't know how to answer that. "I don't get what you want me to say."
"Do you feel different?" Koh said.
Bamba hesitated. If he said no, would that tell everyone the one thing he was trying to hide? But if he said yes, they wouldn't let him fight, would they?
"It's not that hard of a question."
"No. I don't." Bamba retorted. "I'm fine."
"But you should feel different."
"Then why did you ask if there wasn't supposed to be a different answer?"
"You're not okay." Asuna stated. "You just don't want to admit that this is affecting you."
"You are acting different." Canalo agreed.
"See?" Asuna said. "So, stay here and let us continue."
"I can-"
"You shouldn't fight in this state. Please." Koh cut him off.
"Fine." Bamba gave up trying to convince them otherwise. It was getting nowhere.
"Keep an eye on him, Melto."
"I'll try." Melto replied.
The rest of the group went back out to search for the minosaur again. Bamba let out a frustrated sigh and sat down.
"You don't need to act like it isn't affecting you." Melto commented.
"It isn't, though."
"It seems like it."
"How?"
"You're getting too defensive over it."
"Because no one wants to believe that I'm fine."
"The attack wouldn't just not affect you."
He knew that. Knew that everyone was worried because he was supposed to feel something he hadn't felt. But it was the same thing he'd been feeling for years on end. The feeling that had led him to trying to end his life many times.
"It... isn't anything I've not felt before." Bamba was careful with his wording.
"Eh?" Melto's eyes went wide in surprise.
"I know how to function while feeling horrible like this. This isn't anything new." Bamba stated.
"But isn't it better to not have to do that again?"
Well, at least his wording made it seem like he wasn't depressed anymore. If only that was the truth. If only that could be the truth. How he wished he didn't have to keep feeling this way. How he wanted to feel normal again and yet nothing helped.
"I don't care if I have to." Bamba replied.
...
A while later, Melto said they must've defeated the minosaur because he felt better. Bamba just agreed and pretended the same happened for him. He would never know since he was depressed either way.
Everyone came back to check on them. They were all relieved to hear things were better. Though, Bamba couldn't help but notice the looks he still got.
He went out for some air to get away from everyone. He didn't get much peace. Towa followed him.
"Nii-san?"
"What?"
"Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well... you wouldn't lie so..." Towa trailed off, but Bamba understood. Towa was the only one who realized when he answered no that he was being honest and not pretending.
"I'm fine, Towa." Bamba stated.
"But you aren't, are you?" Towa accused. "You've been acting different since you made us leave the tribe. This is why, isn't it?"
"What does it matter? I'm here and I'm doing what I need to." Bamba replied.
"Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you pretend to be fine with everything when you felt like that?! Why? Do you think I'm not worth telling?!" Towa yelled at him.
"Towa-"
"Why did you lie to me? Why did you never say anything?"
"What was I supposed to say?" Bamba shot back. "It would've just made you more worried."
"Maybe I'd rather be worried about you than think everything is fine when it isn't!"
"So if I had told you I was planning to leave you, would you have really been fine with that? It would've been an unfair burden to place on you."
"Eh?" Towa tensed. "Leave me? What would that accomplish?"
Bamba sighed. "Not that leaving. I mean... leaving this world."
Towa went silent and wide-eyed at what he said. "Leaving... this world? Like... like dying?"
"Yes."
There were tears forming in Towa's eyes as he shook his head. "No... you wouldn't... nii-san..."
"This is why I never told you anything."
Towa hugged him tightly. "You can't leave me."
Bamba sighed and returned the hug. "I'm sorry. I'm trying not to."
Towa was crying. Bamba could feel it. This was why he never wanted him to find out. He knew Towa wouldn't take it well. Bamba was all he had left. Hearing that he wanted to die was not easy.
"You know, Towa... you're the reason I'm still here. You always found me when I was debating it and pulled me away." Bamba said quietly. "I've tried to stay strong for you."
"Nii-san..." Towa sniffled.
"I love you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is the person I really am."
"No. It's not something you wanted. I... I love you too. Please don't leave me."
"I promise." Bamba said.
He would try to keep that promise. No more debating those thoughts. He had to stay here. Towa needed him. He had someone who needed him here. He couldn't leave yet.
It wouldn't be easy, but he would just have to deal with it. Time healed all wounds, right? Maybe his concept of the time it took was just very far off. Maybe it would get better and he was just being impatient? The only way he was finding out is if he was here to see it happen.