Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hey, do you mind if I invite Wonwoo to dinner next week?” Joshua asks over his phone as he scrolls through the 134th reel with the same audio everyone uses. He jabs a toe into Jeonghan’s thigh to get his attention. 

That was how it started, this complicated mess that Jeonghan dug himself into. He should’ve said no, made up a ridiculous excuse. He should’ve delayed this inevitable meeting for a few more weeks, months if he’s lucky. Luckier if they broke up before that happens but Jeonghan feels even worse thinking about it. He’s happy for Joshua. Really. And Wonwoo is a nice guy. He, out of everyone, should know.

Fuck, he curses as he paces around the living room while he waits for Joshua to finish perfecting his hair for that effortless look.

But if he’s really honest with himself, it probably started a lot longer than that. Months earlier. It all started with a simple smile, a casual curiosity, a lie. It started with him ruining his life in a quick sweep. 

Jeonghan has been in the service industry for too long that the smile and friendly tone comes naturally to him. He doesn’t even have to think about it anymore. And what’s nicer here is that he can let himself go more, be less casual, be more free.

“I get off at 5pm. We can go together,” Jeonghan offers, lets himself be dragged by his impulses. He doesn’t need to think too much here, doesn’t let himself.

“You don’t even know me,” the customer says, looking at Jeonghan with a confused expression.

“I’m Hannie,” he introduces himself instead, pulls his smile wider.

“Wonwoo,” he answers shyly, like he’s not sure if this is how he’s supposed to do this.

“Great, now we know each other,” Jeonghan declares and starts making plans for them to meet for a little excursion in the city and maybe have dinner together somewhere near the Seogwipo market.

The sound of the doorbell felt like it echoed through his spine, shocking his systems awake.

“That must be him,” Joshua says, still in his room, expecting Jeonghan to answer the door. Well, maybe it’s good that he doesn’t witness the first reaction. This way, Jeonghan can probably try to manage the situation before it escalates.

One breath, two breaths. One long breath.

“Hi,” he brightens, customer service smile plastered on his face as he swings the door open. “Come on in.”

Surprisingly/fortunately/almost a little disappointingly, Wonwoo doesn’t really react. He smiles a little bit and walks in, neatly puts his shoes by the door and easily finds the house slippers like he’s been here before. He’s probably been here before now that Jeonghan thinks about it. He’s been so anxious about the possibility of meeting Wonwoo all this time, he’s never really asked Joshua enough about the relationship.

“Wonwoo-yah, give me a sec,” Joshua peaks out of the door only to disappear again after telling him to get to know Jeonghan.

“Guess you don’t really need an introduction, huh?” Jeonghan fakes a little laugh.

“Mm,” he makes a sound of agreement, seeming like that was all he has to say. And unfortunately, Jeonghan being Jeonghan, he can’t take that kind of silence.

“So, how are you? Did you come from work? Traffic okay?” He rambles on, not even pausing enough for Wonwoo to reply. He almost asks another irrelevant question when Wonwoo cuts him.

“I’m okay, hyung,” Wonwoo says, much too kindly than Jeonghan expected, a shadow of a smile on his face. Somehow that hurts more. Jeonghan tries to ignore the swelling in his chest. “You okay if I still call you hyung?”

“You can be more casual with me,” Jeonghan insists.

“It’s okay,” Wonwoo politely declines.

“Would it make you feel better to call me hyung? Though I’m only a year older,” Jeonghan rolls his eyes. But he’s willing to compromise. He’ll try to break Wonwoo soon. It feels like a fun little challenge.

“Is it really important to you?” Wonwoo tries to sound a bit more casual, but it comes out a bit stilted. Jeonghan really wants to tease him.

“Very,” Jeonghan beams.

“Fine.” Pause. “Hannie-hyung.”

“Uh? Yeah, sure,” he replies a little quietly, feeling disoriented. Guilty. “Sure.”

Before either of them could say anything else, Joshua walks out, announcing he was ready. Immediately the smile returns to Jeonghan’s face before Joshua can ask him what’s wrong. It’s his big celebration after all. And he really wants it to be a celebration. He’s worked really hard to get back to this. He deserves it.

“Come on, let’s go. You know Seungcheol will complain if we’re late,” Jeonghan says and ushers everyone out of the apartment.

The night was easier once Jeonghan gets a few shots of soju in him, sitting between Seungcheol and Seokmin and getting pulled into the warmth. It’s been too long since he’s met all of them and he’s so glad he got to come back to Seoul after everything that happened. It’s been a long 11 months.

“To Jeonghan-hyung’s new job at Korean Air and to Joshua-hyung being closer to 30,” Mingyu toasted, already downing his beer to Joshua’s complaints about still being young, elbowing Mingyu’s ribs, but laughing with the rest of them. Jeonghan thinks someone kisses his cheek, pours him more drinks, holds him close.

He misses this.

The first few nights are cold and the heating in the small side house he’s renting isn’t that great. But it’s better than not having anywhere to sleep. He makes do with the thick blanket, burrowing himself into it.

Empty beer cans scatter on the floor next to the futon. He’ll clean it up tomorrow, he promises. It’s bad enough having to drink alone. He really doesn’t want to wallow in misery while cleaning up. It feels terrible just thinking about it. 

He wishes he was home, somewhere familiar with people he knows. But he also chose this. He also wants to be nowhere he knows, somewhere no one can find him. Here he can pretend to be somebody else. At least for a little while. At least until he has to face reality again.

But he’s back now. For good. He’s escaped all the bad things from the past year and he can move on now. He can start again.

Jeonghan spends the day cleaning up and rearranging his room. There’s not much for him to do considering he didn’t take much with him to Busan. In a way, it was his way of promising he was only going to go for a short while. It won’t be permanent. He would make sure of it.

He went in May, the weather was warming up, the humidity from being close to the ocean doesn’t help. One of the first things he did after unpacking his one suitcase in that small studio apartment was to look for vacancies at other airlines that will at least take him away from that company and any of its subsidiaries. He was done being treated like a dispensable pawn, humiliated and thrown about easily.

It was around October when he got that call from Joshua. Was that where it all started going wrong?

“Hey, why are you suddenly calling me?” Jeonghan answers, a little worried. He texted Joshua that he just got back to his place, when suddenly the phone was already ringing. It was very suspicious.

“Can’t I call my bestfriend? My soulmate? The love of my life?” Joshua accuses dramatically but they both know he’s just making excuses.

“Seriously, now you’re making me really worried.”

A deep sigh. “It’s nothing.”

“Joshuji…” Jeonghan whines, almost impatiently. But really, he can wait for Joshua. Sometimes with Joshua he needs to wait a bit.

“I went out on a date,” he admits like he’s embarrassed, scared, a little sceptical himself.

“Really?” Jeonghan couldn’t hide his surprise. Out of everything he thought Joshua might tell him, he really didn’t expect this.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Joshua chuckles nervously.

And Jeonghan’s best strategy is to make a little joke out of everything. “You’re not kidnapped are you? Abducted by aliens?”

“Not funny.” He can almost hear the eye roll.

“Must be a special person,” Jeonghan says finally a little serious.

“Yeah, he’s a nice guy. It’s… I don’t know. Is it weird to just want to be with someone because it feels comfortable?”

“No, I think that’s fair. It’s better than being with someone who makes a mess of your life.” He should know.

“He’s handsome too.”

“You can’t just say that without any evidence.”

“I’ll send you a photo later.”

“I’m happy for you.” He is. He almost wishes they could talk about this face to face, sitting in their small couch, too close too each other.

“Me, too.”

He couldn’t imagine then that it’d be Wonwoo. It seemed impossible even when he saw the photo, the face he would never forget.

Well, not that he could regret that now. He’ll have to figure out how to talk to Wonwoo. Or maybe he should talk to Joshua. Either way, he’ll need to figure it out. It seems like Wonwoo will be a permanent fixture in their lives. 

“I’m happy for you.” And he still is. He’s happy Joshua found someone he cares enough to be this close to, open himself to. And a part of him is a little glad it’s Wonwoo, knowing how kind and gentle he is.

It was the second week of January and Jeonghan finally has a proper day off. His schedule has been a bit messy since he just started and there’s a lot of training and new things to get used to. It’s tiring. But he’s also happy to start this new chapter. It was a bit brutal how it happened, but he’s glad everything happened the way it did to force him to make the hard choice to get out. Because he likes his new job better, it even pays better. If things didn’t turn out like it did, maybe he’d still be stuck there. Not just with terrible bosses, but also a terrible boyfriend he should’ve left earlier than he did.

“You should just take the deal,” Minwoo says, tone flat. Like he’s talking to any other colleague, giving a simple instruction. It was this that hurt Jeonghan more.

“They’re trying to make me the scapegoat. You know Lee-sunbaenim has it out for me. Don’t you even care?” He raises his voice, he wants to yell, he wants to let the hurt out. It wasn’t his fault.

He was just unlucky that a customer in first class made a lot of ruckus when he was working with Lee-sunbaenim as the purser. She didn’t hesitate to let him take the fall. He was even more unlucky when word got to the higher management, coming from a customer they couldn’t ignore.

He feels wronged. But this only angered Minwoo. 

“Be quiet,” he hisses. “Do you want everyone to hear?”

Jeonghan doesn’t answer.

“It doesn’t matter if I care or not. It won’t stop them,” he reasons.

“No, it matters to me,” Jeonghan says and decides in that moment that he’s done fighting. So he took the deal – resigned, have them transfer him to the subsidiary airline in Busan – no matter how much he hated it. It was better than staying at this point. They’ll only try to drive him out a different way. And he left Minwoo along with all the terrible feelings in his chest. He should’ve realised sooner that he’d never have Jeonghan’s back.

“What are your plans today?” Jeonghan asks as he joins Joshua on the couch. It’s already noon, but he just worked a long flight and was ready to crash. He wraps his arms around Joshua, making himself comfortable.

“I’m meeting Wonwoo for dinner,” Joshua says as the Youtube video on the tv switches to the next one, an advertisement song playing in between.

“Will you be out all night?”

“Not sure yet,” Joshua answers easily, hand in Jeonghan’s hair, scratching his scalp. “You can join us if you want. It’s not like we have any proper plans.”

“No thanks,” he quickly declines, not even ready to think about that yet. “I’m not third-wheeling your date.”

“I think if anyone’s third-wheeling, it’ll be Wonwoo,” Joshua jokes, laughs a little by himself. “We should hang out tomorrow though. It still doesn’t feel like you’re really back.”

“Okay. But we’re not going anywhere because I feel like my back might actually break,” Jeonghan agrees and slowly drifts off to sleep to the soft sound of the tv and Joshua’s breathing.

Joshua met Wonwoo the first time at a group dinner. Seungkwan wanted to try a new barbecue place and asked a few of them out. He brought a new face, someone from work.

“So, you’re an architect?” Joshua asks, making friendly conversation. Wonwoo looked like the typical introvert, even if Seungkwan didn’t already warn him. He feels like he should extend the welcome.

“Yeah,” Wonwoo nods, doesn’t say much more. 

“Was that always your dream?” Joshua prods. It brings out a few more words, about how his father is also an architect and it felt like the only thing he knew. 

“What about you, hyung?” He asks in return.

“Oh, I still don’t dream about being in HR. I do dream about not being in HR though,” Joshua laughs a little, keeping things light and easy. 

The conversation drifts from one topic to another. In some ways, it’s nice to have a new person there. It gives an excuse to bring up old stories. Seungkwan is alway happy to share Joshua’s almost-idol past in university and Joshua was more than happy trying to find videos of Seungkwan doing girl group dance challenges.

“Isn’t Wonwoo handsome?” Seungkwan asks at one point, when Wonwoo leaves the table to go to the restroom. Joshua should’ve know this was a setup. He could immediately tell Mingyu’s in on it too.

“I told him not to,” Vernon raises his hands, pleading innocent when Joshua turns his sharp eyes towards him.

“You know I’m not looking,” Joshua says with a heavy sigh. He’s fine not dating. He knows they mean well, but sometimes he wishes they’d let it go.

“You can just be friends then,” Seungkwan argues and means it.

“I don’t need more friends,” Joshua clips back.

“You’ve been looking like a lonely puppy since Jeonghan-hyung’s not around,” Seungkwan points out and Mingyu backs him up. Joshua has no defence against that. He has to admit that he hasn’t been as fun since Jeonghan went to Busan. Or maybe even before, when he disappeared for those three months.

“You two need to shut up,” was the only thing Joshua could say, too lazy to think of a smarter retort.

And he meant it. He was happy not dating. But he guesses he’s also happy to date when he got to know Wonwoo better. Maybe in some ways Seungkwan and Mingyu were right even if he hates to admit it.

“Seungkwan didn’t put you up to this, did he?” Joshua asks when he gets in the car after the dinner, taking up Wonwoo’s offer to send him home. Only because it was on his way.

“No. Why would he?” Wonwoo asks, confused, oblivious. Well, at least Seungkwan didn’t tell him.

“No reason,” Joshua shrugs and looks out the window at the buildings they pass by. It’s not a bad kind of quiet.

“Do you really sing?” Wonwoo asks after some time, and Joshua only just notices that he’s been humming along to the car radio.

“Ah. Yeah. Unfortunately, Seungkwan is not a liar,” he admits, a little embarrassed to say it himself. There’s still a few evidence from that time that Jeonghan likes to bring back whenever he’s in the mood for it. Joshua thinks he’d be happier if they all just disappear, burned to ash.

In the small space of the car, they talked more. It’s easier without the distractions of other people, of the outside world. It’s easier to share secrets like this. Joshua shares about his uni days and Wonwoo shares about his own and his hobbies. Before they knew it, they arrived in front of Joshua’s apartment building.

“You can stop here,” he points to a spot near the curb, opposite a convenience store. “Thanks for the ride. It was nice meeting you, Wonwoo.”

“You too.”

They walk around Itaewon after dinner, following the ups and downs of the hilly landscape, heading towards the Namsan Botanical Garden. It’s quiet and empty considering the cold. It’s nice like this. Wonwoo takes the opportunity to pull Joshua a little closer into him.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Wonwoo asks as they walk through the garden, lit by warm streetlights. “If you want, you can come back with me.”

“Is that an invitation?” Joshua looks up at Wonwoo suggestively through his eyelashes, a teasing smile on his lips. Wonwoo feels his face heat up.

“You know we don’t have to do anything,” Wonwoo stresses, always ready to remind Joshua that he doesn’t mind. 

“Is it okay if I might not want sex?” The question catches Wonwoo off guard. The way Joshua says it so plainly. Wonwoo has always been a little shy talking about it openly.

He pauses, takes his hands off Joshua’s waist as he considers how to answer. He wonders if it’s weird they’re talking about this with Joshua hovering over him, mid makeout. Or maybe it’s the perfect time. “Is it me? Or, is this like a religious thing?”

“Religious?” Joshua repeats the word like he’s never heard it before. Then he laughs, the kind that shakes his whole body.

“I don’t know,” Wonwoo mumbles, feels a little stupid. His eyes flit around, focusing on anything but Joshua. But Joshua grabs his chin, pulls his face back so their eyes meet. Wonwoo is a little scared of it, the way Joshua has this look like he can read your mind.

“What if I say I have a 90-day rule?” Joshua asks and it feels like a test. Wonwoo’s not sure what a 90-day rule really is, but he’s confident he can follow it.

“Okay.” Because whatever Joshua wants, Wonwoo feels like he’s willing to give it to him.

Joshua just laughs again, lets his arms fall, body leaning into Wonwoo. He rests his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder, arms wrapped around his neck and stays there for awhile as he calms down. Wonwoo doesn’t break the silence, just runs his hand along Joshua’s spine, hoping it’s comforting.

“It’s not you,” he says after a moment, whispers it close to Wonwoo’s ear. “It’s me. Most times I just don’t want to have sex. It’s not that I don’t like you or anything. It just takes some time for me to find myself… wanting.”

Wonwoo wants to understand before he says something hasty, makes meaningless promises. This feels like an important thing, an essential part of Joshua. And he wants to make sure he understands well enough so he doesn’t do anything to push Joshua away, hurt him. 

This time it’s his turn to make Joshua look at him. “Hyung, can you tell me more?”

Joshua uses the word asexual. “Demisexual, if you wanna be specific about it. It’s not that I never want to have sex, but most times I just don’t. There are times when I feel it, that strong want. But it’s hard to say if it’ll happen, or when it’ll happen. I know it’s not an easy ask. So it’s okay if you’re not okay with it.”

“But you still like me, right?” It’s a lot of new things for Wonwoo, but he thinks that most of it doesn’t really matter much to him. He likes Joshua. A lot. He doesn’t want to give up just because of this. It doesn’t feel like a good enough reason.

“Yeah, I very much like you,” Joshua says, and the smile on his face returns. Looking at it, Wonwoo’s sure now he doesn’t care. He’ll take any part Joshua is willing to share with him.

“I don’t mind. I guess I just need you to tell me what’s okay and what’s not.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll let you know,” Joshua seals the promise with a kiss that turns Wonwoo’s stomach inside out.

“I know, you just like spending time with me,” Joshua says aloud what Wonwoo is too shy to say. “Jeonghan’s free this weekend. I feel like I should spend some time with him.”

Wonwoo gets it. He knows how much Joshua misses Jeonghan, even if he doesn’t say it out loud much. It’s the way he brings Jeonghan up in conversations, the way he talks about Jeonghan and the things they used to do. He calls Jeonghan his best friend, but it sounds like more, heavier.

“Oh, come on. Don’t look so disappointed,” Joshua pokes him, more playful smiles. He can’t help but think they’re kind of similar in that way. How playful they are, how they enjoy teasing him. “I would ask you to join, but I think Jeonghan is still not used to you yet.”

Wonwoo doesn’t correct him, doesn’t say that he thinks it’s because Jeonghan wants to avoid him. And in some ways, he’s avoiding Jeonghan too.

He doesn’t think either of them are ready to talk about what happened. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

“I’m not disappointed,” he reassures Joshua instead. “I think you should spend some time together. Just the two of you.”

Joshua reaches for a quick peck to his cheek, before burrowing his head into the crook of Wonwoo’s neck. They don’t say much of anything else.

They decided to have a Netflix marathon, watching a new drama they both had been meaning to start. Sometimes it’s just nice to spend time being in close proximity, not really saying anything or doing anything. Just the two of them being close.

They ordered a late breakfast/early lunch and ate in front of the tv, doing a running commentary as the show plays. Jeonghan misses this. It’s been so long since he had this, something comfortable and warm and familiar. Home.

Halfway through, once they exhausted the snacks in the apartment, Jeonghan couldn’t help bringing up the ring on Joshua’s left middle finger. It’s a silver ring, obviously handmade from its slightly uneven surface. He noticed a similar one on Wonwoo’s pointer finger when they met for the Christmas dinner thing. He just never had a chance to bring it up.

“You know, I never took you as a couple’s ring kind of guy,” he points out. Joshua looks up at him from his spot on the floor, lying on the huge floor pillow.

“I never really thought about it either,” he replies, twisting the ring around his finger like he’s regarding it properly only now. “It just kinda happened.”

“How do you kinda get a couple’s ring?” Jeonghan asks because he’s genuinely curious. Only Joshua could get into situations like this.

“I thought it’ll be fun to go to a craft workshop together,” Joshua starts explaining. “You know that place in Hongdae I told you about?”

“The one you wanted to drag me to?” Joshua is always picking up another crafting hobby without him noticing. He finds it calming to do things with his hands which Jeonghan understands. Joshua likes to make pretty things to get his mind off all the big things he can’t avoid. He goes even crazier when work stresses him out. There was a time when he kept making bracelets that everyone got at least one.

Joshua nods. “Yeah. It just so happens the class that day was ring making. And I thought it’d be nice to make one for each other.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” Wonwoo tries to renegotiate after the workshop is over. He clutches the silver ring he made tightly in his fist.

“But I want to,” Joshua says confidently, about to peel Wonwoo’s fingers open himself.

“But it’s really ugly,” Wonwoo argues, stands his ground, tightens his grip.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Joshua reasons. “Just let me look at it first. If it’s really ugly, then I won’t take it.”

“It’s too embarrassing to even show you.”

“Wonwoo-yah, it’s your first time doing something like this. Obviously I don’t expect it to be perfect. I think that makes it a little more special.”

Wonwoo doesn’t argue after that, only shyly passing the ring to Joshua. When he looks at it, he notices the little stars carved out on the ring.

“Why stars?”

“Because it suits you,” was all he says and Joshua’s learning to understand that Wonwoo’s not someone who says all the words he feels. Not because he doesn’t want to, but more that he doesn’t know how. So he tries to appreciate more than what’s said.

“They’re pretty. I like it.” And he’s ecstatic to see the slight blush on Wonwoo’s face.

“Sounds like a marriage proposal,” Jeonghan pokes him and laughs when he blushes. Joshua throws a small pillow over his head to retaliate. “What? I’m right.”

“You and Myungho are just the same,” Joshua whines, goes back to lying down, facing the tv.

“Proves that we’re right,” Jeonghan says. This time Joshua smashes the pillow against his shoulder and it throws him off balance. But he just laughs as they continue to fight while the drama plays on and they miss about 15 minutes of a main plot reveal.

Seungkwan felt that they need a party for Vernon’s and Seokmin’s birthdays. He’s always finding excuses to get everyone to hang out together and his boyfriend’s birthday party is the perfect occasion.

“It’s a 2-for-1 combo deal,” he convinces them. And it’s a perfect weekend, right after the lunar new year holidays so everyone will just be getting back to Seoul after a long weekend visiting family. He even found a day that Jeonghan would be free which isn’t easy with his days off not always the same as everyone else’s weekends.

“You should invite your friend Soonyoung, too,” he insists when he finds Wonwoo at the office. He tells him the time and place – Seungcheol’s house because he has access to a rooftop that can easily fit about 10 people. He says it in a way that Wonwoo can’t refuse.

“So Hannie will be there?” Soonyoung asks over lunch when Wonwoo tells him.

“Why didn’t he invite me?” Jihoon butts in, chewing on a piece of chicken.

“It’s because you never go anywhere,” Soonyoung replies for him. Jihoon doesn’t argue. Because it’s true.

“He’ll be there,” Wonwoo confirms. And corrects him, “You should start calling him Jeonghan.”

Soonyoung asks if they should find him, this mysterious guy from Jeju that disappeared one morning. “I’m sure it’s not that hard. He told you he was in Seoul before, right? Maybe he’s back.”

Wonwoo shakes his head. “No. I don’t think he wants to be found.”

Soonyoung’s right. It won’t be hard. Not when Wonwoo has pictures of his face, even if he only has a fake name to go by. He’s sure it’s fake. He knows Hannie is too careful about sharing his past, sharing his true self. Which is why he won’t look for him. It was a silent agreement between them, that Hannie won’t say some things and Wonwoo won’t ask.

It’s Wonwoo’s own fault for breaking the agreement by falling for him.

It’s really not difficult, he thinks again now.

“And definitely don’t bring up Jeju,” Wonwoo reminds.

Jeonghan arrives a little later than everyone else. He just landed at Incheon two hours ago and changed quickly out of his flight attendant uniform before taking the train over. Thankfully Seungcheol’s place is not too out of the way.

“Why are we on a rooftop in the middle of February?” He asks as he hugs the jacket tighter, arms crossed over his body. 

Mingyu hands him a piece of beef he was grilling as compensation. “At least it’s a lot warmer than yesterday. And not raining.”

At the same time, Dino passes him a can of beer.

“You should be lucky I am even allowing you all here,” Seungcheol grumbles as he flips the chicken wings. But Jeonghan knows he’s enjoying this. He likes taking care of them.

After stealing a few more pieces of meat, Jeonghan goes to wish Hansol and Seokmin. Then he looks for Joshua, who is sitting near an electric heater, making a cocoon with his large padded jacket, scarf around his neck.

“You made it,” he says when he spots Jeonghan walking towards him. He gestures for Jeonghan to sit next to him then proceeds to bear hug him, cold fingertips curling around Jeonghan’s wrists.

“You’re terrible,” Jeonghan hisses, knows exactly what he’s doing. Joshua’s always been more sensitive to the cold, growing up in California and all. A sunshine child even though he’s born in winter. “You should’ve brought hand warmers.”

“He should,” Jeonghan hears Wonwoo say instead, the voice unmistakable. When he lifts his head, he sees Wonwoo passing a pair of hand warmers and a plate of grilled meat to Joshua.

“Thanks,” Joshua replies and Jeonghan is really so happy to see the happiness written all over Joshua’s face, the soft curve of his eyes. 

But he still doesn’t know how to face Wonwoo. The only good thing is that there’s a lot more people tonight and they’re not sitting down at a table. This way, it won’t be too obvious if Jeonghan doesn’t talk to him. 

“This is Soonyoung, Wonwoo’s friend,” Joshua introduces the new face who takes a seat with them. Soonyoung is friendly and happily shares information about himself, how he met Wonwoo and all.

“Me and Jeonghan met in high school,” Joshua opens up, talking about that year he moved to South Korea after his parents’ divorce. His mom decided to bring him back to live closer to her family. That first year was tough for him considering the sudden move so close to senior year and all. Joshua always says he’s lucky to have Jeonghan. But Jeonghan feels the same. They both needed each other at the time. “When we both got into the same uni, we decided to live together. And we’ve sort of lived together since.”

“Did he tell you he was famous in uni?” Jeonghan adds, ready to tease Jeonghan about the times he went around with his guitar like he’s a pop star, a little Justin Bieber wannabe.

“He knows,” Joshua cuts him off, huffing.

“Well, you’ve always been famous even in school,” Joshua retaliates before Jeonghan could say anything else. “You literally played every sport.”

“I can’t imagine you playing sports,” Wonwoo replies, a genuine look of surprise and interest on his face. Jeonghan feels his heartbeat going a little irregular and hates it. Why suddenly? Because Wonwoo is looking at him? Giving him attention? Cares about things he did? It’s not like it means anything. Not anymore. Not here.

“You okay, hyung?” Wonwoo asks, a few steps ahead of him as they climb up Seongsan Ilchubong. They’re halfway up for the sunrise view, but he can feel the breath leaving his lungs. He shouldn’t have agreed to this. He should’ve stayed at the foot of the hill and waited for Wonwoo while he eats some snacks and drink his morning coffee, instead of struggling to breathe.

“You don’t have to brag,” he hits back, hates how it makes Wonwoo’s smile widen.

“You should work out,” Wonwoo teases him. A rare turn of the tables.

“You should wipe that look off your face, Jeon Wonwoo,” he threatens and finds the energy to continue the hike out of sheer spite. One thing he doesn’t do is give up. And he’s glad, because they did get a nice view of the sunrise that morning, the sky just clear enough to see the light peaking through the horizon.

“He doesn’t look like it, but he was quite the star of the football team,” Joshua lauds, always loved bragging about Jeonghan for some reason.

“You exaggerate too much. I was hardly a star,” Jeonghan says simply, then makes an excuse to get food for himself. Not like he has a boyfriend to do it for him.

Jeonghan leans over the wall, looking over the other buildings in the area. It’s not a great view, but it’s nice that the building is a bit higher than the rest. He feels like he can find air to breathe. 

It’s quiet now with most of them finding refuge in Seungcheol’s apartment, hiding from the cold especially with all the food being eaten. But just when Jeonghan thought he’d have a moment alone, someone joins him.

“Hyung, aren’t you cold?” Wonwoo asks. Jeonghan doesn’t have to look to know it’s him. He really hates this.

“Not really,” he replies, still not turning towards Wonwoo. But he knows they can’t avoid each other forever. Not if both of them want to keep Joshua close. So he decides he should probably say something first. It’s his fault anyways.

“How’d you know Joshua knows me? You didn’t seem surprised.”

“You’re on his Instagram.” Boring.

“And you didn’t ask him anything?”

“No,” Wonwoo refutes and pauses like he’s processing his words. Somehow it was a little disappointing, like it didn’t matter either way. But maybe that was Jeonghan’s fault to begin with for leaving like that. “He already shared enough for me to piece things together.”

“What’d he say?” Suddenly he’s mad/upset/embarrassed. The whole point of leaving the way he did, was that he never wanted Wonwoo to find out all this. To know the real him. To realise he’s not the same easygoing, fun, friendly Hannie he met. Jeonghan comes with a lot of baggage.

“Just that you got transferred to Busan because something happened. And when he found out I went to Jeju, he just told me you were also there when you took time off from work. He didn’t really give a lot of details.”

“You don’t want to know why I lied?” He turns now to Wonwoo, to properly look at his face, to try and figure out why. Wonwoo looks the same as the person in his memories, he realises. But Jeonghan’s different, he even looks different with his hair short again. He feels impossibly different.

Wonwoo just shakes his head. Not unkindly. Rather, he looked like he understood, like he cared. “You don’t owe me that.”

“You’re really not mad at me?” Jeonghan asks bewildered. Why, he wants to yell, but tries to keep his cool. He can’t have them catch too much attention. He might be ready to talk with Wonwoo about it, but he’s definitely not ready to confess to everyone else. Especially not Joshua, not here, not right now.

“I knew you were hiding things from me. I never expected to know anything,” Wonwoo answers so simply it kind of hurts.

Was it always this easy? Should he have done things differently? Jeonghan wonders and feels his eyes sting. 

“Hyung, are you free tomorrow?” Wonwoo asks, hair mussed, cheek pressed against the pillow. Jeonghan traces invisible shapes on his arm, up his shoulder.

He avoids Wonwoo’s eyes as he says, “Let’s not think about tomorrow.” Knowing full well he won’t be here anymore by then. He doesn’t want to have to say goodbye, doesn’t know what to say besides. 

It’s a coward move considering Jeonghan started it all, the little trips, the teasing, the kissing. It’s his fault. But he really doesn’t want to face it now when reality is calling him home.

But there’s no point mulling over it now. Things already happened. There’s no point regretting.

So instead, he tells Wonwoo to keep a secret for a little longer. “I feel like Joshua should hear from me.”

“Okay.”

Jeonghan and Joshua have always shared everything with each other since they met. Joshua was the first person Jeonghan came out to, feeling like he might be the only one, scared. Then Joshua shares about his feelings about attraction and how it’s difficult for him to like people like that, not having the words to explain it, confused. They found comfort in each other.

For a long time, it felt like it was just the two of them. Maybe that’s what makes this harder, eats at Jeonghan’s stomach. 

He already regretted keeping things from Joshua once recently. It went terribly.

“Where the hell have you been?” Joshua yells at him after 10 days of radio silence. Jeonghan replied to the many unread messages with a quick “I’m fine, I’m just taking a vacation” hoping to go offline again once he checked his bank account balance. But suddenly Joshua called and he didn’t even say hello before bombarding Jeonghan.

“I was so worried about you, you bastard. No one heard from you. Your phone was off. I was already so worried but then suddenly your friend Jun dm’d me asking if I’d heard from you and told me you were fired? I even tried to contact Minwoo but that fucker blocked me. What the fuck happened? I thought I lost you. Do you know how fucking worried I was? And I even had to lie to your mom? You better call her by the way or I will go find you wherever it is you’re hiding and murder you myself.”

“Hello,” was all Jeonghan could say. He almost wants to laugh a little. Maybe because it’s comforting to know Joshua is still there, even when he’s not here. It’s also funny because usually Joshua’s the one who likes to disappear whenever he’s on vacation, only sharing his stories when he’s back. Jeonghan doesn’t say any of that though. Joshua’s angry enough as is.

“Don’t fucking be cheeky with me,” Joshua’s voice clipped, angry, hurt. He rarely gets serious with Jeonghan like this.

“I’m sorry, Shua. I really am,” he finally admits, feels a lump grow in his throat, choking. “I just need to get away. It was too much.”

He hears Joshua take a few breaths, like he’s trying to calm himself. “Just tell me if you’re okay.”

“I’m–“ he couldn’t lie to Joshua. He couldn’t say he was fine. Especially not when he’d already pushed Joshua this far“I’m managing.”

“Okay,” Joshua says, like he’s evaluating if it’s an acceptable answer. “Okay,” he repeats like he needs to convince himself. “Are you safe?”

“I am,” he can answer this with more certainty.

“Okay. That’s good,” Joshua let’s out a sigh. After a long pause he adds. “I don’t need you to tell me everything. But can you just… Can you just text me every other day? So that I’m not imagining every worst case scenario?”

“Sure,” Jeonghan agrees easily. There’s not much he wouldn’t do for Joshua.

“Okay.”

Jeonghan thought he didn’t want to talk to anyone. But somehow he couldn’t find the will to hang up. “They’re calling it a transfer, by the way. But I guess technically they fired me before giving me a different job. And I broke up with that asshole.”

There’s a distinct pause before Joshua’s tone changes. “Do you need me to go beat him up?”

“You?” Jeonghan teases, knows that this is a mercy from Joshua. This is an olive branch.

“Fine,” he sighs again, more put on. Jeonghan can almost see the eye roll. “I’ll bring Seungcheol and Mingyu.”

“Sounds fun. If you do, make sure you record it. I think it’ll make me feel better.” Jeonghan is not sure he’s entirely joking when he says it.

Another pause. “Do you need money?”

“I’m good. And you don’t have to worry about rent either. I’m still gonna pay.” It’s the whole reason he turned on his phone anyways.

“You don’t have to. You know I’m fine with covering it.” Joshua sounds upset again.

So Jeonghan allows a compromise. “I’ll let you know if I can’t make it, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Don’t mess with my room,” he says just for something to say.

“I won’t.”

He turns his brain for something else. There’s nothing else. “I should go.”

“Promise you’ll call,” Joshua reminds again.

“I promise.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Shua.”

He’ll tell Joshua. He promises himself. Soon. Hopefully. He just needs to figure out where to start. And where to end.

Starting again at a new airline means Jeonghan doesn’t have much way in terms of seniority. It means a lot of short flights in a day, not having much choice on his days off. Most days he’s too exhausted to think, dozing through his days off.

So it’s not often he has time to actually consciously spend with Joshua.

“Come on, we should go out,” Joshua pushes him, complains about how he hasn’t been out of the house in weeks. “All you’ve seen is the inside of an airport and this apartment.”

“No,” Jeonghan corrects, just to be contrary. “I’ve also seen a lot of Seoul Station.”

“You’re really annoying, you know that?” Joshua says, but almost fondly. He passes Jeonghan his jacket as they make their way out. They decide to go to their favourite Thai restaurant that’s just about 30 minutes on foot from their place. It gives them an excuse to be out longer.

“How come you’re not out with Wonwoo today?” Jeonghan asks as they cross Yeomcheon Bridge, passing by a lot of tourists finding their way around, taking photos. It’s a sunny day even if the wind is still cold. It’s exactly the kind of weather that makes Jeonghan happy. He’d be complaining about the heat once summer comes.

“He told me to spend time with you,” Joshua answers. “I think it’s an excuse to play games without me bothering him.”

Jeonghan knew Wonwoo is really into gaming. But lately he’s been enjoying it more since he and Seungcheol got to know each other. It’s all they ever talk about when they’re together. 

“You’re sounding like a neglected wife,” Jeonghan jokes. It’s a huge joke, considering they meet each other once a week, twice if work isn’t that bad or if Wonwoo’s work takes him near Myeongdong for the day. If they don’t have time to go out, at the very least, Wonwoo will come over and Jeonghan says a few words to them before holing up in his room. During weekends when Jeonghan is working, Joshua disappears a lot more lately, sometimes spending the whole weekend at Wonwoo’s.

Which is why it’s kind of surprising the two of them manages to find the time to go out today. Usually it’s just a quick breakfast or dinner or falling asleep in front of the tv together. They usually only find time to be lazy together now.

“Have you thought about maybe moving in with him?” It’s not what Jeonghan meant to say. It just came out. He regrets asking because he really doesn’t want to know. 

Joshua looks incredulously at him, like he just asked something stupid. “Why would I move in with him? I like living with you.”

The way Joshua says it so confidently, like there’s no room for doubt soothes Jeonghan. He almost started panicking, wondering what’ll he do if Joshua says yes. He doesn’t think he knows how to not be with Joshua. He barely managed last year.

“I’m just asking,” he says quickly and changes the subject. He doesn’t say, “but what if one day you’ll want to?” Because that might just upset both of them. He also avoids talking about Wonwoo in general, he can’t find the nerve to. There’s only so much his heart can handle in a day.

Despite the careful manoeuvring, it’s unavoidable that there will be times Jeonghan and Wonwoo will be forced to spend time together. Especially now with him so integrated into their friend group. This week, it’s dinner and drinks with Seungcheol, Seungkwan and Mingyu. 

Most of them came directly from work, in their shirts and suits. Jeonghan is the most casual in an oversized sweater and jeans, his work day ending before noon today. They order what’s supposed to be too much food for six people.

The weird part is sitting next to Wonwoo. He realises a bit later that they haven’t been this physically close since Jeju.

Jeonghan makes sure to keep it off his face, but he can’t help how he’s so aware of Wonwoo and his movements when they’re this close. His eyes keeps drifting to Wonwoo’s hands as he picks up his chopsticks to grab the food on the table, the way his fingers curl around his glass. Jeonghan feels it whenever Wonwoo slightly leans towards him. It takes so much effort not to flinch.

He counters that by pouring himself more soju, pretending to keep up with Mingyu as they egg each other on. He doesn’t really remember what they’re talking about, but he remembers Wonwoo grabbing Jeonghan’s cup, replacing it with a glass of water.

“What?” He mumbles, blinking at the glass. He’s not slurring or acting terribly drunk or anything. It’s always harder for people to notice when he’s close to his limit. He’s only just a little more tired than usual. 

“You’re getting drunk,” Wonwoo whispers, leaning really close that Jeonghan can feel the warmth from his body. Jeonghan makes a valiant effort to elbow him away.

“I’m fine,” he says, not liking how Wonwoo can tell. So he grabs the cup back and joins Mingyu and Seungcheol as they try to outdrink each other. Not that they don’t already know Mingyu’s gonna win.

Jeonghan is completely drunk when the night ends. Which wasn’t surprising considering how much he had to drink. But Wonwoo does feel slightly guilty like it has something to do with him.

“Let me help,” he says, taking most of Jeonghan’s weight from Joshua who looks a bit worried.

“You sure?” Joshua asks and only lets go of Jeonghan once Wonwoo nods. So they walk back to his car like that, Wonwoo supporting Jeonghan, one arm around his body to keep him up as his feet clumsily finds the ground, Joshua on Jeonghan’s other side, making sure he doesn’t accidentally hit something.

“You drank a lot more than usual,” Wonwoo hears Joshua comment in the car, Jeonghan making soft sounds that Wonwoo can’t really read. He pretends not to hear it altogether, leaving them in the backseat in their own world, Jeonghan’s head on Joshua’s lap, fingers combing through his hair.

He just drives back to their apartment, the road all too familiar to him now. The sound from the gps more as background noise. When they finally arrived, Jeonghan is already fast asleep, too deep to be woken up. Joshua looks a bit apologetic about it.

“It’s fine. I can carry him,” Wonwoo says and carefully picks Jeonghan up. He thought about carrying Jeonghan on his back, but it would be difficult with him so out of it. So the best thing to do is to cradle him in his arms, holding him close to his chest. At least Jeonghan’s asleep and can’t hear the erratic sounds of Wonwoo’s heartbeats when he can feel the soft breaths against the crook of his neck, Jeonghan’s lips brushing his skin.

Hannie sinks his teeth a little more meaningfully, nibbling on the sensitive skin of his neck to leave a mark. He seems proud of his accomplishment when he pulls away to look at his work. Wonwoo doesn’t care much for marks, but always finds himself indulging in whatever Hannie wants. Even if it means brandishing evidence of whatever their relationship is so visibly.

I like you, he doesn’t say. He knows he can’t. Even as he’s losing himself, he knows this much. This is just for now.

They only have a week left of this anyways. Once Wonwoo’s back, he’ll probably never see Hannie again. Who knows where he’ll be, who he’ll be after this is over. So Wonwoo just lets himself drown in this moment, chasing after those playful lips, kissing Hannie until his giggles turn into moans.

Joshua walks ahead to open all the doors for them, then quickly pulls the comforter in Jeonghan’s room so they can lay him down. He tucks Jeonghan in comfortably after Wonwoo drops him on the bed, leaving the room first to find somewhere to breathe.

When Joshua finds Wonwoo in the living room, he places a soft kiss on the side of Wonwoo’s jaw, smiling softly. “Thanks. You’re a big help.”

Wonwoo answers by wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him in closer for a proper kiss. He lets them fall onto the sofa and stay there for a while. He needs to breathe. Joshua makes it easy to breathe, pecking light kisses all over Wonwoo’s face.

“Stay.” And Wonwoo hates to deny him anything. When he feels calmer, he puts both his hands on Joshua’s face, pulling him for a deeper kiss, letting his tongue explore the warmth of Joshua’s mouth, tracing the lines of teeth. When Joshua moans from his tongue getting bit, Wonwoo swallows the sound, burying it in his chest to keep it safe.

“Okay.”

Waking up is terrible. Jeonghan’s throat feels dry and his head heavy, body sticky. He hates himself for being too drunk to even change clothes before falling asleep. Now he has to immediately shower and complain to Joshua.

“Shua, you could’ve at least taken off my pants, you asshole,” Jeonghan whines as he walks towards the kitchen. But the person who turns around is someone else, shoulders much too broad to be Joshua.

“Ah, sorry, hyung,” Wonwoo apologises, even looks a little sorry. Suddenly the hangover isn’t the worst thing Jeonghan was experiencing that morning. He doesn’t remember much after getting into the car, but he remembers the warmth from Wonwoo’s body, the strength in his arm as he helped Jeonghan from the restaurant. He hates that he still keeps memories of when Wonwoo’s done that before.

“Oh. It’s– Uh– I thought you’re Jisoo,” he says in almost a mumble, considers going back to his room and drowning into the pillow. He doesn’t want Wonwoo to see him like this.

“He went to get bread and coffee from the bakery across the street,” Wonwoo answers easily. It takes Jeonghan a while to realise Wonwoo was walking closer towards him. Shit shit shit.

He just stands there, freaking out, not knowing what to do. It takes a while for him to realise that Wonwoo is passing him a glass of water before he disappears from the kitchen, heading to Joshua’s room. 

Jeonghan absentmindedly drinks the whole glass and decides to take a shower. He’ll feel better after a shower and a change of clothes. He hopes.

When he comes out again, Joshua is back with a bag of their favourite pastries and the sweet smell of coffee. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan nods, feeling a lot better seeing Joshua return with his bounty.

Then Wonwoo comes out, perfectly dressed in the clothes he wore last night.

“You’re leaving already?” Joshua asks. But not surprised, Jeonghan notices.

“Yeah, I’m meeting Soonyoung and Jihoon for lunch. Let me know if you’re free tomorrow” he says, a quick kiss to Joshua’s forehead before heading out.

“What’s this?” Joshua asks when he comes out from a shower, finding a bracelet on Wonwoo’s dresser. He feels like a caught prey somehow. He hates having to continue to keep things from Joshua. But he also promised Jeonghan.

“I got it from Jeju.” He should’ve kept it back in his drawer. Why did he even take it out last night?

They’ve been spending the morning at Woljeongri Beach. Wonwoo can feel himself drawn deep into the way Jeonghan smiles and giggles, how his hair is carried in the wind and the sunlight kissing his cheeks as he wades through the cold waters, getting splashed by the waves. He feels almost like a magical creature, unreal, appearing to make Wonwoo believe in invisible things again like joy and hope and wonder.

“Here, this one’s for you,” Hannie passes him the bracelet. He didn’t even realise Hannie stopping at one of the shops by the roadside as they walk back to the car.

It’s a simple woven bracelet, nothing impressive. It looks like it could be bought anywhere. The only thing special about it is Jeonghan bought two and wraps the blue and grey one around Wonwoo’s wrist when he doesn’t take it. Hannie then puts on the yellow and black one on himself. 

“Now we match,” he announces like he’s proud of it, like he’s happy that there’s something that they share. And Wonwoo wants to believe it so bad.

Wonwoo doesn’t even know why he’s still keeping it like a piece of treasure anyways, why he left it out. He already decided to leave all of that in Jeju anyways. They’re just memories now.

“Should we order dinner soon?” He changes the subject, uncomfortable with his own thoughts and feelings and all the lingering mess inside of him. Thankfully Joshua doesn’t push it. He feels Joshua reach out to him, pulls him down for a kiss.

“You order. I’m fine with anything,” Joshua says, smiling like he knows more than what Wonwoo’s saying. He tries not to think too much about it. 

Then Joshua’s already walking towards the closet to raid through Wonwoo’s clothes. Wonwoo’s mentioned a few times to just keep some of Joshua’s own clothes here, since he spends so many nights over now anyways. But he always claims he likes Wonwoo’s clothes better. Wonwoo suspects it’s because Joshua knows what it does to him, seeing Joshua in Wonwoo’s clothes that are larger for him, carrying his scent. It’s weird how humans can feel so possessive.

Wonwoo finds himself reaching out for Joshua, pulling Joshua into him from behind. He noses at the spot where his neck meets his shoulders, drops a kiss.

“I love you,” he whispers, hoping it reaches into his skin.

Joshua just giggles and then yells at him when he starts nibbling on the sensitive skin. “Go away!”

“Come on in,” Jeonghan says as he opens the door for Wonwoo. 

He’s supposed to pick Joshua up for a date, but Joshua suddenly has to do a bit of overtime, rushing to clear things before the weekend.

“I’m sorry for crashing in,” Wonwoo apologises.

“It’s fine.” And it is. Jeonghan is getting more used to seeing Wonwoo around all the time. “I don’t think he’ll finish by dinnertime though.”

Wonwoo looks like he’s considering it, quietly scrunching his face in thought.

“I’m not telling you to leave,” Jeonghan says, chuckling. He’s still so cute. “I just think you might want to join me for dinner. I’m ordering chicken.”

Wonwoo looks at him a little surprised. “Ah, no. It’s fine. I’ll just– I’ll wait.”

“Suit yourself,” Jeonghan shrugs but orders a little extra anyways. He thinks Joshua might be hungry too when he comes home. Better safe than sorry.

Then he pushes Wonwoo towards the living room, the tv paused to a new drama Jeonghan started last week about undercover cops. They sit together quietly until the doorbell rings from the delivery. He doesn’t say much, just opens the boxes and pushes one towards Wonwoo as they continue to watch the show. It’s some time later before Wonwoo picks up a piece of chicken and Jeonghan can’t help but smile.

They grow more comfortable from there, Jeonghan starting his commentary of the show and Wonwoo nodding, asking questions to push him on. 

“Hmm, I think I need to get a haircut soon,” Jeonghan mumbles more to himself as he brushes the bangs out of his face. It’s been bothering him for a few days now, the longer hair at the front keeps getting into his face, threatening to get into his food.

“I like your hair longer,” Wonwoo blurts out and when Jeonghan looks at him, seems almost as surprised to hear it come out of his mouth.

“Yeah?” Jeonghan asks him back, almost teasing. His first instinct is always to tease Wonwoo, getting all those adorable reactions out of the man. But he knows it’s not his place anymore. So he reels himself back before he gets carried away. “I could keep it longer on vacation, but I need it short for work.”

“How short do they make you keep it?” Wonwoo asks, curious.

“Not too short. But we do need to keep it neat. I can still get away with this, but it bothers me,” he explains as he twists the hair, wondering if he should just take a pair of scissors and do it himself. He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t, he needs to remind himself. He’ll just find time to go to the salon.

“Well, I think you look good either way,” Wonwoo says, this time more confidently, with intent. Jeonghan scrambled his head to think of a reply. What do you even say to that? And is thankfully saved by the sound of the front door being unlocked.

“Hey, sorry I’m so late,” Joshua’s voice rings from the entrance. 

“Come have some chicken, I ordered extra,” Jeonghan invites, glad for the distraction. He doesn’t want to think about why Wonwoo’s comment is affecting him so much, what it means. 

Jeonghan does what’s reasonable after that, he runs, again, makes himself scarce whenever he thinks there could be a possibility of seeing Wonwoo. Which includes hounding Seungcheol for sushi and drinks.

“You’re paying,” he says as they sit down and look at the menu, absolutely shameless about milking all of Seungcheol’s worth.

“Yoon Jeonghan, you should at least pretend you’re not after my wallet,” Seungcheol sighs but doesn’t refute. He just calls the waiter to start ordering.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Seungcheol says, after they’ve finished most of the food, just lingering with the sake cups in hand. “It was too boring without your chaos.”

“You’re welcome,” Jeonghan tips his head in acknowledgement, raises the cup of sake to his lips. “Maybe you should’ve found someone to date, too.”

“What? Jealous your husband found himself a boyfriend while you’re away?” Seungcheol hits him back, smiles like he’s proud of the comeback. Jeonghan frowns. But for an entirely different reason.

“I met Wonwoo before,” he confesses, feels it spilling out of him. Maybe he’s been keeping it for too long that it’s getting harder now. It’s been almost 3 months since he promised Wonwoo and himself. He really should talk to Joshua soon. Maybe this can be practice.

“You know him?” Seungcheol seems only a little bit surprised.

“Yeah. We met in Jeju. But he didn’t know who I really was.”

“Will you return to Seoul?” Wonwoo asks him one night as they drive back after a long day out together. Jeonghan can still feel the traces of the sun warm on his skin.

“I don’t know,” he says. Maybe, he doesn’t say. Mostly because he doesn’t want to hope, doesn’t want to think about the near future of him having to return to all the bad things that happened. And maybe a little part of him also doesn’t want to hope there’s a possibility of seeing Wonwoo again.

They shouldn’t. Even if they do meet again, Jeonghan would be someone else. He won’t be this, the same carefree and exciting person he is. He’d be back to being dragged by the weight of the world, of his reality. Jeonghan’s managed to avoid all that here, avoided all of Wonwoo’s questions.

“And you didn’t tell anyone… because what? You’re embarrassed?” Seungcheol’s accusation hits him right on the head. Jeonghan whines. “What? It doesn’t sound like that big of a deal.”

“Ugh!” Jeonghan grumbles, then blurts the rest of it out. “I slept with him.”

Again, no surprise. Jeonghan glares more. Seungcheol just shrugs his shoulders. “What? You wouldn’t be the first one to have slept with someone’s somebody in this group.”

Jeonghan hides his face in his arms on the table, grumbles more.

“You should just tell Jisoo,” is Seungcheol’s easy solution.

Jeonghan knows he should. But he also wants more time. There’s less certainty now that Joshua would forgive him. He doesn’t even want to think of the possibility of Joshua choosing Wonwoo over him even if everyone else might think it’s impossible. He knows Joshua better. And to be really honest, he’s scared of his own feelings showing, that Joshua will read him like an open book.

“You free next Saturday?” Joshua asks the moment Jeonghan steps through the front door. Joshua is making pasta, he can tell by the smell. It’s so familiar, his favourite go-to recipe.

“Why?” Jeonghan asks as he takes off his shoes, placing them neatly on the rack. He walks in and hugs Joshua from behind, digging his chin into Joshua’s shoulder.

“Mom misses you. She told me to drag you to see her next week,” Joshua explains, continues to casually stir the sauce. “I was thinking Saturday, but we can work around your schedule.”

“No, Saturday should be fine. I should be back by 9am.” Jeonghan’s starting to get longer flights now, which means he has a more relaxing work day, a maximum of three flights per shift. He’s happy that he’s already managed to prove himself in just a few months. 

“Great, I’ll let Wonwoo know then.”

“He’s coming?” Jeonghan frowns, thankfully Joshua can’t see him like this.

“Mom specifically told me to bring both of you,” he grumbles. “She’s been asking a lot about Wonwoo lately.”

“And you don’t want to pressure him?” Jeonghan guesses. Joshua just hums softly.

“His family seem like they’re fine with all of it. But– I don’t know. I’m still worried,” Joshua rambles, the hand stirring the pan going one way and the other. Jeonghan squeezes his torso a little tighter.

“Well, I think it’ll be okay. He really likes you,” Jeonghan assures him, plants a sloppy kiss on Joshua’s cheek. He laughs and finally pushes Jeonghan away.

“I know that,” he gloats like he wasn’t just worried two seconds ago. “Go change. I’m hungry and I won’t wait for you.”

“Jeonghannie!” Joshua’s mom calls his name when he gets out of the car. She was already waiting at the front door for them with open arms.

Jeonghan skips to her, giggling. “Eomma,” he sings, hugging her. 

“Mom, I’m your son,” Joshua complains in English, walking slower behind him, holding Wonwoo’s hand. “This is Wonwoo.”

“Eomeoni,” he bows politely, earning a praise from Joshua’s mom. He passes her a bag with a bottle of wine. Jeonghan knows it’s expensive. He peaked at the bag in the car.

“What a handsome young man,” she compliments, lets go of Jeonghan so she can pat Wonwoo on the shoulder. “Come on in. I already finished cooking lunch.”

“I can’t wait to eat!” Jeonghan rushes in first, helping take the dishes from the kitchen to the dining table where they all make Wonwoo wait.

“You’re the guest,” she insists when Wonwoo offers to help and he is too polite to argue.

Lunch is filled with Joshua’s mom asking Wonwoo about his job, his parents and family, his favourite food, saying things like she’ll make some when he visits next time. Wonwoo was shy at first, but Jeonghan can see him slowly become more comfortable.

“And you,” his mom turns to Jeonghan, glaring at him. Jeonghan can feel his anxiety spike. “Too busy to even call mom?”

Jeonghan flashes his cheekiest smile. “I’m a terrible son.”

“It’s good that you know that,” she huffs. Then she pats his head. “You know we were all just worried about you, right?”

This makes Jeonghan’s eyes sting a little. That’s the most difficult part of coming back. When he ran away, he just thought about protecting himself. Coming back just reminded him that he left behind the people who cared for him, hurt them in the process.

“I won’t do it again,” he promises.

“Good. Now eat more, you got skinny,” she reprimanded, not unkindly, putting extra meat in his bowl.

Wonwoo gets banned from the kitchen again after lunch. He doesn’t feel so useless this time since Jeonghan is thrown out with him. The two of them sit in the back garden, enjoying the warming weather. Spring is almost gone. Wonwoo suddenly realises it’s now more than a year since he’s known Jeonghan. But he still gets surprised by each new side he sees.

Jeonghan munches on the apple slices, relaxing into the chair.

“You’re really close,” Wonwoo speaks up, can’t help but want to see more of Jeonghan.

“We’re practically family,” Jeonghan says, a small smile on his face. “I was a bit lonely too, I think, before Jisoo came here.”

“Does your family live nearby too?” It’s a city about an hour and a half from Seoul. It’s quieter here. It’s not that much different from where Wonwoo grew up in.

“Hm. I’m gonna have dinner with them later.” Wonwoo can’t help but wonder how he’s family like. Joshua seems to take a lot after his mother, the way they talk, the way they carry themselves. Wonwoo wonders what Jeonghan takes from his family. But it’s not like Wonwoo can just invite himself so easily. Not that he wants too. It’s nerve-wrecking enough meeting Joshua’s mother for the first time.

“You’re still coming back with us, right?” Wonwoo asks instead.

“Of course, I’m not letting you leave without me,” Jeonghan says with a smile. Wonwoo wishes that’s always true.

Jeonghan goes home soon after, and Wonwoo finds himself sitting with Joshua’s mother and an old album opened on her lap. She shows him pictures of Joshua growing up, of their life in LA, of how shy and sweet Joshua was as a child. Joshua complains but doesn’t really make an effort to stop her. He just adds on to the stories or corrects any factual errors.

“Wonwoo-yah,” she says at one point when Joshua goes to the bathroom, leaving the two alone for the first time. She has a hand on Wonwoo’s. It doesn’t cover much with her hand being much smaller than his, but they’re protective and warm. “I don’t mean to pry, but does your family know?”

“Uhm, yes,” he says, but he hasn’t really told them everything. He used to tell his mother most things, it’s easy talking to her. But it’s more awkward talking about his relationships with his dad or brother. So he usually only tells them the simple facts of it.

“Well, from what Joshua tells me, they’re really nice,” she says, softly patting Wonwoo’s hand. Then without so much words, she offered something Wonwoo has been missing. “If you need anything, you just come to me okay? Anything at all.”

He nods, not knowing the words to say. It’s always so difficult for him to find the words when it matters. But he hopes she understands how truly cared for he feels, how secure.

“You’re a really sweet young man. I hope you and Joshua stay happy with each other,” she smiles, the same one Joshua puts on that makes him feel safe from the world. 

“I hope I can continue to make him happy, too,” he answers clumsily and tries for an assuring smile. He hopes it comes through.

“Why do you like me,” Joshua asks, only after the first few dates. They’d only known each other for a month. 

When he asked Joshua out the first time, it was on impulse. He didn’t really know why. He just had this feeling that he wants to know more about Joshua, see more of him. It’s just a little curiosity that he allows himself to indulge in. He’s not usually so quick to do something like this. But he’s realised he’s changed in more ways than he’s noticed since spring.

And he just kept… wanting to see Joshua. Always a little bit more curious each time. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Joshua asks, eyes crinkling with his smile. Wonwoo’s glad he’s not taking this badly. Sometimes his words can be taken the wrong way.

“I just like being with you. And I want to continue doing it,” he tries to explain, with as much words as he can muster. 

“And what if you stop liking being with me?” Joshua asks after a long pause. He looks up to Wonwoo with curiosity more than a challenge.

“I don’t know. For now I can’t really imagine that happening.”

He guesses the answer satisfies Joshua somewhat, because he doesn’t ask more. He just pulls Wonwoo through the last hall of the museum, passing by the delicate porcelains and ink paintings.

After dinner, Joshua gets Wonwoo to drive down a different area of the neighbourhood. “I should say hi to Jeonghan’s parents, too.”

So Wonwoo ends up meeting everyone anyways. The good thing is that he doesn’t have much time to think about it, since Joshua only told him 30 minutes ago and the drive is less than 10 minutes. Suddenly he’s being greeted by a lot of new faces without any time to think about how he feels about it.

“You must be our Jisoo’s boyfriend,” Jeonghan’s mother beams. She’s quicker to pull people into hugs, wrapping her arms around Wonwoo. “Jisoo’s eomma told me a lot about you. You’re really handsome”

He can feel his face flushing. It’s worse when he hears Jeonghan laughing after.

“Eomma, you’re making him shy,” he pushes her gently. 

“He should get used to it if he’s going to be her son-in-law,” Joshua jokes and Wonwoo chokes on air, missing the panic in Jeonghan’s eyes. But no one else seems to notice.

“Ah, Jisoo… I miss you,” was all Jeonghan’s mother says before they start wishing each other goodbye. “Next time you should join us for a meal too, Wonwoo.”

“Eomma!” Jeonghan grumbles one last time before Joshua happily drags him to the car, waving to everyone until they’re too far away.

“Had fun?” Joshua asks from the front seat, turning around so Jeonghan can’t miss his devilish grin.

“They smothered me as payback for not telling them about Busan,” Jeonghan slumps into the seat, arms crossed over his front as Wonwoo drives into the main road, making their long way back.

“That’s what you get for lying to everyone,” Joshua says and Wonwoo wonders if he’s just seeing things or did Joshua looked at him when he says it. It’s probably just him. “Soobinnie did your nails?”

Wonwoo just then notices the many colours and patterns on Jeonghan’s nails.

“Yeah, she wanted to test out a new design,” Jeonghan says, leaning towards the front so Joshua can get a closer look. “She’s getting better.”

“They’re pretty,” Joshua admires.

“Too bad I need to remove them before work,” Jeonghan frowns, leaning back again.

They stay in silence for some time, before Jeonghan breaks it. “Thanks for bringing me home, Shua.”

“It’s what I do,” Joshua accepts with a haughty tone. 

Joshua hears the door opening a beat too late. Once he’s awake enough, there is already a pair of arms wrapped around his waist, nose poking his back.

“Hannie-yah?” He croaks, naturally slips his fingers between Jeonghan’s bony ones. Jeonghan just hums into his pyjamas. 

Joshua was falling asleep again before he hears Jeonghan calling him. “Joshuji…”

He usually only uses that nickname when he’s teasing Joshua or it’s something serious. It wakes him up a bit more, but not enough to make him turn around to face Jeonghan. It must already be quite late. He belatedly remembers Jeonghan telling him he won’t finish his shift until almost midnight.

“Is something wrong?” Joshua asks, a little worried now, eyes open.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Jeonghan mumbles, Joshua can feel him shaking his head. He only sighs and finally turns around in Jeonghan’s arms.

“Jeonghan-ah,” his voice sounds like it’s running through sandpaper. “If nothing’s wrong, why are you waking me up in the middle of the night.”

“Tomorrow’s Saturday, though,” Jeonghan argues instead, always so good at picking at the most useless thing.

“Hmm. But I had a long week,” Joshua says, feeling his eyes close again. If Jeonghan’s not gonna say anything, there’s no point in pushing him. Sometimes he just needs this, to feel close, to feel a solid thing next to him.

“Would you be mad at me?” Joshua thought he’d already fallen asleep but Jeonghan’s voice breaks through, quieter than a whisper. Like he almost doesn’t want Joshua to answer.

“What would I be mad at you for?” He blindly reaches for Jeonghan’s head, patting his cheeks.

“I lied to you,” Jeonghan says. He takes a long pause like he’s gathering all his courage to say the next part. “I already knew Wonwoo.”

“I know,” Joshua answers easily, mumbling through the sleep that’s dragging him back.

Jeonghan makes a noise of surprise. “What?”

“You can’t hide much from me,” he explains like it’s the most obvious truth. And it is. “I’m not mad. So can we sleep now?”

“You’re not gonna ask anything?” Jeonghan sounds a little disappointed. Joshua doesn’t like the sound of it, like he feels unimportant. So Joshua pushes himself to wake up a bit more, cracking his heavy lids open. 

“I wanna hear everything you want to tell me. But you can’t blame me if I accidentally doze off.”

“Oh,” Jeonghan whispers back, like he’s just realising how late it is. “You’re right.”

He makes to get up from the bed, but Joshua pulls him back, hugs him tight, buries his face in Jeonghan’s soft t-shirt. “Sleep here.”

Jeonghan doesn’t answer with words, just continues to lay there, putting his arms around Joshua. But less possessive now compared to when he woke Joshua up earlier. He lets the darkness and quietness surround them. Then when even Joshua thought he had already fallen asleep, he hears a secret confession. “I think I still like him.”

Joshua doesn’t reply, not even sure if he heard correctly. It could very well be a dream.

Jeonghan wakes up to an empty bed. It’s fine, until he realises the window is facing the wrong way. He’s in Joshua’s bed. And Joshua’s not here.

He panics a little as the conversation from last night slowly comes back to him, haunting him. He stumbles out of the room.

“Shua!” He yells when he finds Joshua in the kitchen making eggs.

“Why are you yelling in the morning?” Joshua complains, but Jeonghan can see the slight smile on his lips.

“I’m just…” Jeonghan doesn’t know what to say. What should he say? He really shouldn’t have done that last night.

“You want breakfast?” Joshua offers, but Jeonghan can tell he’s already making enough food for both of them. “We can talk while we eat.”

So Jeonghan goes to brush his teeth in a nervous sweat, taps the table as he waits for Joshua to finish frying the meat. He wants to wait. But he’s also losing patience.

“Did Wonwoo tell you?” Jeonghan asks.

“No,” Joshua answers coolly, like he expected Jeonghan to ask this. 

“Did Seungcheol tell you?” Jeonghan asks and realises he made a mistake because this actually pisses Joshua off.

“You told him and not me?” His voice raises a little, eyes threatening. But then he pulls himself back, fingers combing through his hair frustratingly. “No, let’s not talk about that. I told you, you can’t hide from me.”

“How?” There’s no other way to ask. Just. How?

“It’s not like I figured it out from the start. But both of you left enough clues,” Joshua starts, pausing, considering his words. “Like the bracelet you keep in your drawer.”

Jeonghan doesn’t know what to say, very rarely at a loss for words.

“That’s it? One dumb bracelet and you know everything?” He should’ve thrown that out. He shouldn’t have bought it in the first place. He can’t think of why he did it anymore now.

“It’s not just that. It’s the way Wonwoo was instantly comfortable with you even though he’s usually shy with new people. The way there were things you already knew about him before I even told you. But mostly it’s the way you look at him,” Joshua lists out and Jeonghan looks like a deer caught in headlights. “Chill, I’m not mad.”

It’s supposed to be just confessing what happened in Jeju. It wasn’t supposed to get to this. This is still a secret he wasn’t prepared to share, to face. He doesn’t want to give it a name. “How are you not mad? About any of this.”

“I am kinda mad it took you this long to tell me. But about everything else… I think maybe it’s because it’s you,” Joshua answers like it’s the most basic truth, like he’d never expect Jeonghan to hurt him. “I know you don’t mean anything bad about it.” I trust you, he doesn’t have to say.

“What if I did?” Jeonghan probes, the lizard brain of his always ready to bite back when cornered.

“Then you’re doing a really bad job at stealing my boyfriend,” Joshua answers matter-of-factly, eyes deadpanned, taking another bite of the rice.

“You’re really just okay with this?” Jeonghan asks again, because it feels unbelievable. He wonders if he’ll take the news as easily if the roles were reversed.

“Well, I think it’s also up to him. But that’s between the two of you to talk about.”

“What do you mean?” Jeonghan is more confused now. Didn’t they already talk about it? Didn’t Wonwoo say he wants to leave it all behind? What’s left to talk about?

“Am I the only one with eyes?” Joshua asks like he’s equally confused, bewildered. He scans Jeonghan’s face so intensely but seems to give up when he doesn’t find what he’s looking for. “You can’t tell that he likes you? Or should I say, still likes you?”

“Okay, now I know you’re losing it,” Jeonghan scowls. This is getting more and more ridiculous. But it only makes Joshua smile like he’s already won. “He likes you.”

“And?” Joshua asks like a challenge. “You shouldn’t judge him so easily.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jeonghan can kind of make out what Joshua is hinting, but he’s not ready to accept it. It feels impossible.

“Let’s make a bet,” Joshua proposes instead, grinning, eyes sparkling with mirth. “If you win, I’ll buy you those shoes you have in your cart.”

He hates that Joshua knows he won’t back out of a bet. Especially when they stakes are good. “And if you win?”

“If I win, we’ll have to figure this out I guess.”.

The thing about Jeonghan is that he is easily driven by impulse. But if you let him think about it too long, he starts thinking too much. So it becomes a problem when he suddenly gets busy the week after that even Joshua barely sees him. There’s no way to force him to talk to Wonwoo.

Joshua wants to be patient. He knows there’s no point rushing things, especially if any of them are not ready. But he’s also eager to see where this could go. He believes that it’ll be good for all of them, so sure of it that he wants it to happen soon, happen now. He’s been letting both Jeonghan and Wonwoo drift around each other too long.

So Joshua does the next best thing: target Wonwoo.

Wonwoo is easier because he’s less like a jumpy prey animal that is always on high alert. He doesn’t read too much into anything, says most things that comes to mind. He’s also terrible at mind games. Talking to him will definitely not be like trying to wrench a confession out of Jeonghan.

“How come you never told me you knew Jeonghan?” Joshua brings up over dinner at Wonwoo’s. It’s a Tuesday but Joshua managed to get home on time and thought it might be nice to see him.

“I was wondering when you’ll ask me actually,” he says after some consideration. See, no accusations. Kind, sweet-hearted Wonwoo with no sense of self preservation around the people he cares for. “I wanted to tell you. But it felt like you should hear it from Jeonghan.”

Joshua understands. He was never really interested in knowing Wonwoo’s dating history, except whatever Wonwoo wants to share. It never really mattered to him. So he doesn’t feel like this is an especially important thing for him to leave out. It’s definitely more for Jeonghan to share.

“Well, he finally told me,” Joshua informs, feels like he should know. “He told me how you met and all. To be honest, it was the most he’s told me about his time in Jeju. Before this he’s only told me about where he worked and the old couple that runs the place.”

“I’m glad you guys finally talked about it. I hate keeping things from you.”

“You sure there’s nothing else you’re keeping from me?” Joshua pushes as gently as he can. It still manages to spook Wonwoo, unfortunately, eyes going round. 

“Wonwoo-yah,” Joshua calls, softening his tone further. “I never told you this. But I had a few exes who were really uncomfortable about my relationship with Jeonghan. And I think I understand somewhat. We never knew how to explain it to other people either. But you never questioned it. And I really appreciate it. So trust me, I’m the last person who’ll judge you for feeling whatever.”

Being acespec is complicated enough, some people using sex to measure how dedicated Joshua was to a relationship, as a measure of his affections. With how close he is to Jeonghan, some of his partners even accuse him of lying to them. There was a woman he dated in university who was completely convinced he was using her as his beard and was actually in love with Jeonghan. He can’t deny the second part. He does love Jeonghan, but not in ways most people can understand.

“I do like him. But I also like you. Is that selfish?” Wonwoo confesses, shyly, maybe a little guiltily.

“No, I don’t think so,” Joshua says with conviction. He hates to see Wonwoo beat himself up over this.

“You’re really okay with this?” He looks up now, like he’s begging Joshua for… something.

“I am,” Joshua nods, takes his hands, holds onto them tightly with a promise. “I want us to figure this out.”

“Okay.”

“But that means you’ll need to talk to Jeonghan. He seems to have it in his head that you don’t like him,” Joshua’s not sure where that came from, but he thinks maybe Wonwoo can fix it.

“Okay.”

“Let’s have dinner at that steakhouse in Itaewon” Joshua suggested when Jeonghan walks into the apartment, barely had time to take off his shoes.

“You buying?” Jeonghan asked. 

“It’s not coming out of your pocket,” Joshua assures him. “Go shower. We’re leaving at 6.30. Wear something nice”

Jeonghan should’ve been suspicious from the start. He should’ve known Joshua was planning something, the way he was so insistent, picking at his outfit choices. And on a weekday. Because when they got to the lobby, Wonwoo is leaning against his car. He’s wearing a yellow top, beige pants, sleeves rolled up, hair pushed back. Jeonghan instantly notices that he’s a bit too dressed up coming from work.

“There’s your ride!” Joshua says and practically pushes him into Wonwoo’s arms. He waves them off as he heads back up, not turning back.

When Jeonghan finally finds his feet again, Joshua is already gone. So he can only interrogate Wonwoo. “What’s happening?”

“Uhm, I want to take you on a date,” Wonwoo says, a little nervously. Oh. That explains the outfit.

“Did Joshua put you up to it?” Jeonghan is already plotting different ways to exact revenge on Joshua the moment he goes back up there.

“Only partly,” Wonwoo confesses, never one to lie. “But the date is my idea. I realised I never took you out on a proper one.”

This strikes Jeonghan. It’s the way Wonwoo looks sincere and nervous and shy. It’s the way he says it like he’s always wanted to.

But then he sighs, fiddles with glasses, the thick square-rimmed black ones that fills up his face. “It’s fine if you don’t want to. I know this is kinda sudden. And I assume Joshua lied to you.”

“No,” Jeonghan cuts him off, despite himself. He doesn’t let himself think about it. “Let’s go.”

He goes around to get into the passenger seat before he changes his mind. Wonwoo, thankfully, takes the hint and gets into the car without Jeonghan having to say more.

The drive is relatively quiet. Jeonghan is still a little out of it to say anything, be his usual social self. Wonwoo seems more than fine in the silence. It was a short drive anyway, so before he knew it, they’d arrived at the restaurant.

It’s a nice place with a western vibe, with a modern interior and exposed brick walls. There’s even an open bar seating. But they get a table by the window, with a view of the neighbourhood. 

Because Jeonghan is still a little upset about being cornered and scammed, he orders the tomahawk steak with a glass of beer. Wonwoo doesn’t blink as he reads his own order.

“I’m really sorry about the ambush,” Wonwoo apologised again once the waiter leaves their table. But this time he has a slight smile on his face. He doesn’t look as unsure as before.

“No, it’s my fault for ignoring Joshua,” Jeonghan admits, knows when to throw in the towel. Also he hates the sound of an apology from Wonwoo. He’s sure he’s said it before. “I’m guessing he already talked to you.”

“He told me that you told him what happened.”

“Did he tell you about the bet?” Jeonghan asks. The surprise on Wonwoo’s face tells him enough. “I guess not.”

“Do I want to know?” Wonwoo asks, chuckling. He’s a lot more relaxed now. Especially with their drinks being served, his fingers tapping against his cool glass. They’re so distracting, Jeonghan thinks.

He decides not to talk about it yet. Instead he brings up something else. Something he was thinking in the car, realising it’s the first time Wonwoo’s driven him, just him. “You’ve never looked this nice when we went out before.”

This got a full smile out of Wonwoo, but the one that comes out when he’s a little embarrassed. “That’s good. Because I put in a lot of effort tonight.”

“Well, if you’re trying to impress me, it’s working,” Jeonghan says, thinks that Wonwoo should show his forehead a lot more. Most times Jeonghan meets him, he has his hair down which is cute. But this is something different. He looks more mature, compared to how boyish he can seem with his hair down and the right style of outfit.

“I was going to get you flowers or something. But I felt like that might actually make you run,” Wonwoo adds, a little sparkle in his eyes. Jeonghan belatedly realises they’re flirting. Suddenly he’s the one getting shy.

“Work not busy? You got off quite early,” Jeonghan changes the subject. And credit to Wonwoo he goes along with it. They talk about meaningless things, catching up casually. They continue to go around the elephant in the room as the food comes and Jeonghan absolutely indulges in his steak.

In some ways, it’s like any regular first date.

“Do you want to go for a drive?” Wonwoo offers after they finish, neither of them feeling up for dessert. But also not ready for the night to end. Jeonhan hasn’t felt like this in a long time. The last time was with this exact same person, in a different place, as a different person.

“Sure.”

Wonwoo drives towards the Han River, plays some slow and soft music on the radio. He doesn’t turn on the gps, just drives like he doesn’t really care if they get a little lost. It reminds Jeonghan a lot of their time in Jeju, not really caring where they end up, feeling like they have all the time in the world, just the two of them.

It makes his heart hurt a little.

Sometimes he does wish he could go back to that. But he also knows it was just playing pretend. A lot of it weren’t real. But as he looks at Wonwoo, he wonders if maybe some of it were.

They get to the parking lot near Banpo Bridge 10 minutes longer than it should take normally. The light show has already started, probably the last one of the night. He doesn’t know what song is playing because the music from the car radio is just loud enough to keep out the outside world. But the lights are really pretty, the way it turns from purple to pink to blue and green with the water doing summersaults. Jeonghan almost gets lost in it until Wonwoo finally breaks the silence between them.

“For almost a year after my mom passed away, I felt so lost,” Wonwoo starts, voice low in the beginning that Jeonghan almost misses it. But it grows steadier, louder. “So I threw myself into work because that’s the only thing I could manage to do, the only thing I felt control over. Then suddenly I just… fell apart. I was burn out, drowning. My boss forced me to take a month off. I stayed with my dad at first. I thought it might be nice to be home for a bit. But my dad got tired of seeing me just lounging around the house. Even the dog was getting annoyed. That’s when I went to Jeju.”

He pauses here. When Jeonghan turns to look at him, he’s already looking back, gaze steady. Wonwoo’s always looked a little serious, a little cold until his whole face cracks with a smile. When he’s looking at Jeonghan like this, it’s hard to control the rapid beating of his heart.

“Meeting you was… It felt like a breath of fresh air, like I could breathe again. You made me want to look for the small beauty and happiness in life. I’ve never really said thank you for that.”

“Wonwoo…” Jeonghan whispers because it feels like the only thing he can say at the moment. What is he supposed to say to all this? He sees Wonwoo slowly reaching out for his hand, makes sure that Jeonghan sees it and doesn’t stop him before he lets their fingers curl together. Jeonghan’s not sure which one of them needs it more. But maybe it doesn’t matter. So he lets himself lean into it.

“I know. I know that wasn’t who you really are, I know you never meant for me to fall for you. That’s my problem. Which was why I never tried to find you.” Another pause. Wonwoo’s eyes drift out to the changing colours outside of the windscreen, like he’s looking at something far away. Then there’s little squeeze of Jeonghan’s hand, like he needed to make sure this is real, a solid, warm touch. “But I did find you. And I fell again. What makes me like you more is seeing you like this. I like how you care for the people around you, how worried you can be. I like that you can be serious and that you are capable of more than one type of emotion. I like seeing all the different sides of you.”

Wonwoo’s looking at him again, like he wants to confirm something. And it’s Jeonghan’s turn to look away. He really doesn’t know what to say or do or feel. He just feels like his whole being is being wrung dry. But he doesn’t let go.

“I’m sorry,” is the only thing he can think to say.

“You don’t owe me your apologies,” Wonwoo repeats.

“You don’t owe me your apologies, Wonwoo-yah. Keep it for when you really need it. We don’t need that between us.”

“Then what do I owe you?” Jeonghan says, a little challenging, looking up again. He feels a little choked up. He really hopes he won’t cry.

“You can tell me if you like me, too. Or if you don’t. Hyung, I just want to know,” Wonwoo sounds like he’s pleading. And Jeonghan is running out of excuses to deny him now.

“I like you,” he says simply and tries to find more words. But he can’t. He just leans onto Wonwoo, head on his shoulder, like he can let go of all the weight he’s been carrying here. He hopes this is enough.

Wonwoo untangles their fingers, only to move one hand to wrap around Jeonghan’s waist to pull him closer. The other hand reaches to the back of his head, running through his short hair. He’s always liked when Wonwoo does that, lets himself melt into it.

They stay like that for some time. It’s hard for Jeonghan to tell except that now the lights are gone. They only have the dim streetlights accompanying them.

“I didn’t think you were hiding things from me, too,” Jeonghan speaks up, head turned only slightly so Wonwoo can hear him clearly.

“Huh?” Wonwoo pushes him a bit further away still, so he can look at Jeonghan’s face.

“About your mom,” Jeonghan points out, reaching out to Wonwoo’s face. He runs his knuckle against Wonwoo’s jaw. “I’m sorry, by the way. It must’ve been hard.”

“It was. But I think meeting you and Joshua helped a lot.” Jeonghan feels his heart break. But it also grew, swelling so much that feels like it might break his chest.

“Meeting you meant a lot to me, too,” Jeonghan finally confesses. He tells Wonwoo a little more about what really happened, why he ended up in Jeju. He talks about how lonely he felt. “You gave me things to look forward to. I liked you a lot. I even considered telling you my real name.”

“You did?”

“Well, I chickened out in the end,” Jeonghan reminds him, but it seems like just the thought of it made Wonwoo happier. Whenever he smiles, it takes up his whole face, every muscle smiling with him. Jeonghan smiles too, despite himself.

Jeonghan comes home near midnight. Joshua pauses the movie he’s been watching to look at the foolish smile on his face.

“You’re back late. I almost thought you won’t be coming home,” Joshua pesters, leaning over the arm of the sofa like a lazy cat. He wiggles his eyebrows for dramatic effect.

“Please,” Jeonghan replies with an eye roll. “Your boyfriend would barely kiss me.”

“Boring,” he criticises, hoping for more juicy details. But he guesses he’ll settle for the more PG details. “So, did I win the bet?”

Jeonghan doesn’t deign to answer directly, always a little bit of a sore loser. “You happy now?”

“I am actually,” Joshua answers smugly. Jeonghan retaliates by barreling into Joshua, making himself comfortable on top of him. Joshua struggles to breathe with the added weight. “You sure you’re keeping your weight?”

It was a low blow and earns a pinch from Jeonghan. “Shut up.”

But all Joshua could do is laugh and curl his arms around Jeonghan. Because he is happy.

“Let’s talk with Wonwoo together soon.” Jeonghan nods. When he gets up to change, Joshua follows him into his room and ends up falling asleep in his bed. Jeonghan doesn’t wake him up, just makes sure all the alarms are set so he doesn’t miss work the next day.

The meeting with Wonwoo doesn’t happen until a couple of days later, Jeonghan coming home to the two of them being cosy in the living room. Joshua is sitting between Wonwoo’s legs, laying back into his chest, Wonwoo’s arm wound around his waist. This isn’t the first time Jeonghan has walked in on them like this. There’s even been an incident where they were in a more compromising position.

The main difference is that Wonwoo doesn’t look embarrassed or like he’s trying to hide from Jeonghan. He looks almost… inviting. Or maybe that’s just Jeonghan.

“You tired?” Joshua asks, still mostly wrapped up in Wonwoo. “We’re thinking of going out for dinner.”

“Can we stay in?” Jeonghan suggests. His body feels like it might breakdown soon. He wants to just change into something comfortable and lie down on a soft surface and not move. But he also wants to get this over with. They really need to talk soon. After what happened last Tuesday, Jeonghan is getting impatient too.

“Sure. Pizza okay?”

“Hmm,” Jeonghan answers before disappearing into his room.

When Jeonghan joins them again, the two of them are less tangled. Wonwoo is sitting up on the sofa, Joshua leaning against the armrest on the other end. Jeonghan finds a comfortable spot on the carpet, grabs a pillow. He thinks he might just fall asleep like this.

“So, where do we start?” The good thing about Jeonghan and Joshua is that neither of them enjoy talking in circles unless they’re intentionally trying to confuse people. They like to get straight into things. So they already managed to discuss part of the arrangement before the pizza even arrives.

They all agree not to be too strict about scheduling time between them, it’s impossible anyways with how Jeonghan’s work schedule can change with each week. 

“I don’t need you asking permission every time you want to go out with Jeonghan,” Joshua says and Jeonghan nods.

“Can we hang out together more though?” Wonwoo asks, almost too shy. He’s really too cute.

“Sure,” Jeonghan smiles. It’s not like it’s a difficult ask. It’ll be a bit difficult if he’s asking for something else, like–

“But no threesomes,” Joshua says and Jeonghan almost feels sorry with how Wonwoo visibly chokes. Now Jeonghan’s wondering if Wonwoo’s ever considered it. He should ask. But not now. Maybe a little (or a lot) later without Joshua around. “I mean… not yet? Never say never and all that.”

“Well, we never know. Maybe it’ll work better between us with a third person,” Jeonghan adds, just to see the flush rising further up Wonwoo’s neck. He smiles at Joshua when they both notice.

What he doesn’t expect is Wonwoo’s follow up. “What do you mean with a third?”

Not so shy then. Jeonghan will definitely need to talk to Wonwoo about it later. “Everyone always said we’re like a couple anyways. So one time in uni, we thought we’d give it a try.”

“Safe to say we don’t have any kind of sexual compatibility,” Joshua cringes a little at the memory. Jeonghan can’t say it’s a pleasant memory for him either. But it’s one of the many weird, random things they’ve tried together and he doesn’t really mind it. Things are always a lot easier with Joshua next to him. Maybe that’s why this feels easy too.

The conversation slowly moves toward more menial things, then it’s just them catching up, talking about random topics. Once they’re done with dinner, Jeonghan heads into his room first, too tired to stay awake any longer. 

“Why are you here?” Jeonghan asks when he gets into Wonwoo’s car. It’s a Sunday and he just arrived from Melbourne. He’s not as tired as the past week when they made him work multiple Japan trips. His Japanese is a lot better than his English so they like to throw him on those. 

“I want to see you,” Wonwoo says, smile a little lopsided as he keeps his eyes on Jeonghan while he buckles himself into the passenger seat. I miss you, the words hang in the air.

Jeonghan feels a little shy. And a little warm. He feels butterflies in his stomach. The only times he hasn’t taken the bus or KTX from Incheon were when he would hitch a ride with Minwoo – which was very bare minimum of him because he only does it when their schedules match up and he’s driving back anyways – or that one time Mingyu came to pick him up because of an emergency. So it feels like a lot that Wonwoo drove all the way out here just because he wants to see him.

“You’re gonna regret it when we get into traffic,” Jeonghan huffs and tries to hide the smile by looking out the window.

“It’ll only give me an excuse to stay with you longer,” Wonwoo answers easily. It’s a wonder how sometimes he can turn so shy. And other times he can say things like this without batting an eyelash. 

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?” Jeonghan accuses instead, goes for the offence. He’s been postponing their date for almost two weeks now because of work and he knows Wonwoo has been sulking about it because Joshua’s said as much. It’s hard when you’re sharing a boyfriend with your roommate. There’s truly nowhere safe.

“Only a little,” Wonwoo smiles, all teeth. Then he reaches out for Jeonghan’s hand as they predictably get stuck in traffic.

They decide to get takeaway on the way to Wonwoo’s because Jeonghan didn’t have time to change out of his uniform and it’ll be hard for him to be outside in it even if the men’s uniform are less conspicuous compared to the women’s.

Wonwoo feels foolish for being nervous. It’s not like this is their first date or even their first time (he tries really hard not to go down that train of thought, he doesn’t want to entertain the possibility of sex). But it is the first time Jeonghan is entering his space and it feels oddly… intimate.

Jeonghan stares out of the car window, taking in the building as Wonwoo turns the engine off.

“You know you can get a closer look, right?” Wonwoo teases and earns a little glare from Jeonghan. He looks like a hissing cat when he does that, the kind that actually bites. “Come on, I’m getting kinda hungry.”

Wonwoo guides him up to the entrance, the hallway directly going into the kitchen. When he puts the food down, he finds Jeonghan looking at the different frames on the walls and some on the floor. He stops in front of one particular photo.

“Is that your mom?” Jeonghan asks, doesn’t take his eyes off it. Wonwoo hums as a reply. “She’s really beautiful.”

It’s taken before she got really sick, by the beach in Busan on a weekend trip. Afterwards she didn’t like to be photographed much, said she wants to be remembered as she’s always been.

“What happened?”

“Cancer.”

“Shit.” Wonwoo doesn’t like how sad Jeonghan looks, so he wraps his arms around him, pulls Jeonghan’s back against his chest. He’s not that good at comforting, but he wants to try. He thinks about what Joshua might do. Joshua would be good at this.

Wonwoo rests his chin on Jeonghan’s shoulder, hugs him a little tighter. It’s a little weird being able to do this again. “It was quick. I’m glad she wasn’t in pain for too long. That was the hardest part.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan whispers back, a little awkwardly. 

“It’s okay. I’m handling it a lot better now.” They stay like that for a few more moments before Wonwoo drags Jeonghan towards the kitchen. Since it’s warmer now, they can have dinner out on the terrace, watching the sun slowly set. This feels a lot like those times they spent with the ocean breeze blowing in their faces, reality so far away, just the two of them.

“I’m really glad I found you again,” Wonwoo says suddenly. Jeonghan looks at him a little surprised at being interrupted. Wonwoo’s not even sure what he was talking about.

Jeonghan looks at him with question marks in his eyes, but a smile fighting to break out on his face. Wonwoo really wants to kiss the corners of his lips until it disappears. So he leans in and allows himself to, no longer having to hold himself back all the time.

Jeonghan stretches his legs across Joshua’s lap, leans back against the sofa. He stuffs a chip in his mouth, not really watching whatever’s playing on tv. It’s something Joshua’s been watching and in English. Jeonghan doesn’t really care.

“I can’t believe he has a picture of me,” Jeonghan suddenly says, the feeling nagging at him. 

“You don’t have to brag,” Joshua drawls, not really giving him much attention. He’s still mostly focusing on the show.

“Shut up. It’s not like he doesn’t have your photo on his wall.” Joshua smiles at this, like he’s proud of it. Look at who’s the one bragging.

Joshua’s hand rummages into the bag of chips in his hand. “I don’t get why you’re so surprised.”

Jeonghan’s not stupid, at least he’d like to think not. Obviously he knew Wonwoo liked him, to some extent. He doesn’t think Wonwoo’s the kind of person who would kiss and have sex without liking the person. But it’s the careful way he treats that ‘like’, cradling it cautiously like he’s afraid he might break it. It’s this that takes Jeonghan back.

“Oh,” Wonwoo mouths when Jeonghan pulls the frame from the stack on the floor. Wonwoo’s giving him a tour of the house, now ending up in the home office on the third floor. All the furniture in his house are very plain and neutral-coloured, the decor neat and uncluttered. It’s definitely in contrast to their own apartment with its many colours, different pillows and throws, a collection of assorted collectables and other knick knacks, potted plants.

The office is probably the ‘messiest’ room with stacks of paper and books on the table facing the window, the shelves full of camera equipment including some film cameras Jeonghan’s seen him use before. And then there’s this photo, hidden slightly behind a few different frames of others. It’s a picture of a sunset with a silhouette of a person in the middle, the warm orange light surrounding the figure. Only a part of his side profile visible, but it’s obvious who it is. 

“I couldn’t resist printing this one. It’s my favourite,” Wonwoo’s smile makes something twist in his stomach.

“There’s more?”

“Only in an album on my computer. I assumed you probably didn’t want any pictures of you going around. So I just kept them to myself.”

“Did you find the photo? Was that how you found out?” Jeonghan asks now, he’s still wondering how Joshua put it all together. Surely Jeonghan’s not so transparent. He usually manages to scam people quite successfully.

Joshua makes a sound of assent. “I had my suspicions. But the photo definitely helped put it all together.”

Jeonghan is a little scared to find out how much more Wonwoo’s been keeping tucked in unassuming corners, out of prying eyes.

The last month passed by without much notice. They’ve settled into somewhat of a routine now, each of them finding their own way in the relationship. There’s been a few hiccups, as expected, but nothing too bad. Jeonghan wonders if they’re even capable of fighting properly. 

Now they’re at the Gimpo domestic terminal, waiting for their flight to visit Wonwoo’s family.

“Do you have any plans for your birthday yet?” Joshua asks Wonwoo over dinner at their place. Wonwoo’s over a lot more lately it almost feels like he’s living with them.

“I was thinking of going home,” he says around a spoon of rice. “Want to come with me?”

“It’s a little weird being at the airport like this,” Jeonghan says as he stares out at the many different planes landing and taking off. There’s a lot of people here, children running around. Maybe because it’s summer, a lot of people are planning to go somewhere.

Jeonghan realises that the last time he took a flight as a regular passenger was when he came back from Busan months ago.

Joshua leans his head on his shoulder. “Don’t tell me you’re nervous.”

It’s been even longer since he’s been at the airport with someone else. 

“You’re so annoying,” Jeonghan huffs. Maybe he is. But for different reasons. He wonders if Joshua is just better at hiding it.

When he looks up at Wonwoo, sitting across from them, he just looks pleased. Jeonghan couldn’t help but reflect the smile on his own face.

Wonwoo’s family feels familiar, the way they’re just like him. His father is a little drawn but he’s nice and friendly with more time. The younger brother looks a lot like Wonwoo it’s kinda funny.

Jeonghan knows they’re okay with him and Joshua, Wonwoo’s told them so. But it’s still a relief to see it for himself. 

“Is it weird that I’m more nervous to visit his mom?” Joshua says as he lays down on the bed. They’re sharing the guest bedroom, Wonwoo is in his own room. They feel like it’s better like this. None of them planning to do anything in Wonwoo’s family home anyways.

Jeonghan chuckles a little nervously. “You’re not alone.”

“Well, at least I’m not alone,” Joshua smiles, rolls over so he’s lying on top of Jeonghan. “Have I ever told you that I love you?”

Ridiculous. “I love you, too.”

They visit the charnel house the next day, right after breakfast. Wonwoo borrows his dad’s car, the drive quiet. Jeonghan just takes in all the buildings along the way. It’s a lot quieter here than Seoul, almost like his own hometown.

“Hi, eomma,” Wonwoo greets when they arrive in front of a photo of a woman Jeonghan recognises. “I’m turning 29 next week. I thought I’d come celebrate with you.”

Then Wonwoo turns to them. Joshua easily fits himself next to Wonwoo, holds his arm like he’s giving him strength. Jeonghan’s glad Joshua’s here. He’s always so much better at drawing comfort onto people around him. 

“I have some people I want you to meet. You remember I told you about Jeonghan and Joshua?”

There’s always a new thing that surprises Jeonghan. He wonders if Wonwoo told her about him after Jeju or if it was more recently when he came home for the anniversary. What did he say? Did he already love Jeonghan then?

“Eomeoni,” Joshua puts on his honey sweet smile, bows a little like the polite man he is. “You raised a great man. I hope we can take care of him as well as you’ve done.”

Joshua grabs Jeonghan’s hand, squeezes it as he says “we”. 

He added something else and Wonwoo also says a few more things before they decide to leave.

“I’ll come again soon,” Wonwoo promises. Maybe they can come for Chuseok, Jeonghan muses. Then he also starts thinking about bringing Wonwoo home, meet his family properly this time. He thinks Soobin would enjoy bullying him. 

His heart aches with all the want.

When they’re starting to head out, Jeonghan finally talks, a promise of a future he’s excited to see. 

“I want to cherish him for a long time. Please give us your blessing, eomeoni,” he says quickly before catching up to Joshua and Wonwoo.