Chapter Text
Celebrating New Year’s at home is only a matter of one week's worth of time off.
With so many people coming in and out of the house, suddenly the week’s almost over, and the evening for the New Year’s dinner is fast approaching. Except for that first evening, Duo Duo never brought up Wu Bi’s name again. None of the others did either. Even Mao Chong had stopped joking to him about having a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Su Yu knows this is all for him.
He understands how Duo Duo misses Wu Bi, he watches her staring at her phone all day, their text messages back and forth felt endless. In the beginning, he thought it was the boy she liked, but she only shrugged that off. “I haven’t liked him for a while now.” It wasn’t difficult at all then, to understand who she was messaging.
“I’ve had to lie to him all these years…”
Su Yu knows, it is for his sake they are all keeping quiet on boths sides.
He knows they all hate lying, and he feels guilty knowing he’s the reason they are, and a new kind of knot forms at the bottom of his stomach: it pools together with the other knot, both quietly, persistently gnawing away at his consciousness.
One evening, Mao Chong took him aside to go for a walk.
To get some fresh air, as he said it, and then they found a random stall where they ordered a few beers, cracking them open on the tiny tables and rickety chairs that were placed on the sidewalk. The shop owner is a middle-aged woman, a young child is hanging on her mother’s skirt while the owner works around the shop. It reminds him of aunt Zhou’s old stall and the way they’d bike past her on their way to school every morning, how she’d hand them a bag of still hot, homemade buns, and it reminds him of his father eating breakfast there before he helped send Duo Duo off to school by bike.
“Su Yu, it’s not that I want to talk about this, but tomorrow is New Year’s eve, you’ll be leaving again in three days. When are you going to see him?”
Su Yu almost chokes on his sip of beer.
“Too look for who? Who am I supposed to see?” He pretends to be clueless.
“Everything’s already come to this, and you’re still acting like an idiot. You’re both wasting precious time. What, why are you looking at me like that? Do you think I’m a fool?”
Mao Chong sounds older, and not like the seventeen year old childish boy he remembers. Of course, he’s been away for many years, they have all grown up, but it still felt weird, like it’s a familiar and unfamiliar feeling at the same time.
He mutters a reply: “Don’t talk nonsense.”
“I am not! Honestly though, whatever happened between you two back then, do you really think I didn’t know anything? Sitting next to you all that time, watching you two fight, then become friends again, then fight again. And don’t even get me started on when I took you and Duo Duo to help you when Wu Bi went abroad temporarily. How ungrateful both of you were then.”
Su Yu smiles at the memory, Duo Duo had been down for so many days he didn’t know what to do, and truly he was grateful Mao Chong suggested he would go with them to the amusement park.
“I was very grateful for you at that time, you know.” Su Yu finally says.
Mao Chong gave him a look, like he didn’t believe him.
“You didn’t even spare me a single look, no matter what I did for you. Ah the days when I felt the loneliness of being the third-wheel. Can’t believe I got beat up by Wu Bi for that when he was the one who went abroad. Tsk.”
Now it was Su Yu’s turn to stare. What did Mao Chong mean by looking at him? Mao Chong was three beers in, and he seems to be on a roll.
“The truth is, the way Wu Bi felt for you, the way he treated you… heh. None of us could ever compare to him, we didn’t want to compare with him either. He truly lived up to his name, Wu Bi, no comparison.”
Su Yu’s eyes widen. What emotions? What feelings? He can’t comprehend what Mao Chong is saying. He has questions, so many questions, but he couldn’t form them, they were all jumbled words in his mind, clamouring to make sense.
“Hehe, what was it that we always used to say? With your brain, the only thing you are fit for is science homework. Towards all of this other stuff, you’re like a blind person. Don’t worry. I killed those ideas a long time ago. Tomorrow I’ll bring my boyfriend to dinner.”
At that, Su Yu’s words finally made a coherent sentence, though coherent might be exaggerating it. It’s more like words were tumbling out over his lips and somehow they made sense.
“What? Did you even talk to aunt Zhou about this? Aren’t you adding extra work for her? Shouldn’t he celebrate the new year with his own family?”
“Told her a long time ago, it was actually her idea to bring him over.”
“Oh.”
Several minutes passed, when Su Yu finally seemed to take in what Mao Chong had said.
“Boyfriend?!”
“Yep. Did you wake up just now? Silly.” It is clear to Su Yu now that Mao Chong was waiting for him to catch up.
“How did I not know? When did this happen?”
“You were so busy in the military, how could I tell you? How long has it been? Almost two years now.”
Another wave of guilt rushes through him, the one he always felt when he thought about home. He knows he’s not been a good son, he’s not been a good friend, and most of all, he’s been a lousy big brother. He tries not to think about it.
“Two years? What about all those girls that were chasing you?”
“I never had any interest in any of them.” Mao Chong says coolly, hands waving in the air like he dismissed them.
Su Yu hesitates for a few moments.
“Come to think of it, I do still remember that time you asked Han Bo Kuang to be your pretend girlfriend.” Su Yu muses at the memory.
“Yes. That was so hilarious though.”
“What’s so hilarious about that?! That time I almost got beaten up by Wu—” he can’t seem to finish the sentence.
“Serves you right, for all the times I suffered his wrath to just breathe in your direction!”
There is nothing he could say to that.
Mao Chong smirks at him, like he’s got him. “That’s why I am saying, the two of you really should meet. No matter what happened then, it is time to figure this thing out. If you see each other you’ll know if you truly moved on from each other.”
As Mao Chong is talking, his cellphone rings. “Hello? Yep, I’m outside, having a drink with a friend. Okay I’ll be right there. See you soon.”
He contemplates Mao Chong’s words, not quite able to adjust to this matured version of his high school friend. Mao Chong hung up and swiftly paid for the beers. Su Yu sat there, his eyes looking out to the distance somewhere.
“I’ll be leaving first. See you tomorrow. Bye.”
Mao Chong was already gone in a taxi before Su Yu could react, but his cell phone buzzed as the taxi drove past him.
“Wu Bi’s address. It’s up to you if you’re going or not, but remember that there’s no better chance to get a proper closure than this. And Duo Duo deserves to have both of her favourite brothers by her side at her graduation.”
Su Yu stares at the text message for a long time.
Ever since Duo Duo was a kid, she always had so many people around her to protect her, to accompany her, people who would do anything for her if anyone dared to even touch her. And apparently as the years went by, even Mao Chong and Han Bo Kuang grew fond of her like a bonus little sister. When Su Yu was younger, he was always jealous of her. He knows it’s not a very mature thing to feel, but he was seventeen. He always felt his mother abandoned him, and he didn’t deal very well with that. No child would truly deal properly with it, they aren’t meant to. Su Yu understands it now, but he was too young to understand then, however mature he tried to appear in front of the grownups around him, he was just a child who wanted to be loved as well; and he didn’t understand that they did (and do). He was scared that, even though he knew they cared about him, that in the end they would all abandon him too.
Now he sees how everyone loves him, by lying to someone they all cherish.
When he left, and subsequently told everyone to keep quiet about his whereabouts, he wasn’t thinking clearly. There was no space to think, his only goal was to get away, as far away as possible.
Closure.
Maybe it was really time to get that. He remembers how good it felt to finally sever ties with Ye Wan Ying, to finally realise what he truly felt or didn’t feel. Perhaps, even if Wu Bi has moved on, they could learn to be friends again. Finally, as if emerging from a haze, Su Yu gets up from the stool where he sat.
He glances at his watch, it’s already 1am, and he hesitates briefly.
It’s late, he should go home instead, he shouldn’t… but when he hails a taxi, he finds Mao Chong’s text message and gives the driver the address.
The taxi driver is the quiet type, and Su Yu is thankful for small favours. His mind is bouncing so fast he isn’t sure he would be able to keep a random smalltalk conversation going.
“Young man, I can only park here, we’re not allowed inside the residency area.”
“Oh.” Su Yu fumbles to fish out his credit card and hands it to the driver.
“Don’t forget your personal stuff,” the man calls after him as he is about to get off.
“Thank you, uncle.”
Su Yu closes the door carefully and wanders off. He isn’t really paying attention to where he’s going, his mind in a haze and he desperately tries to make sense of something he could say. Even though he isn’t paying attention, it feels like he didn't need to, it’s as though his feet knows where he is going.
The narrow, dimly lit streets, every bit of pavement feeling familiar like his own heartbeat.
Suddenly, he is standing in front of the courtyard.
Huh? This can’t be right? Is Mao Chong playing tricks on him?
However, it did look like the lights were on inside. Could Wu Bi really be living here?
For some reason, he thinks back to when Wu Bi waded through the snow storm to look for him, the way he’d sat outside his door the whole night because he was afraid to disturb Su Yu’s sleep… but in the end… and as if by some magic, the double doors to the courtyard opened.
Weird, Su Yu can’t remember he knocked, but he stares nonetheless.
The person walking out of the doors is indeed Wu Bi, but Su Yu did not recognize the woman hanging on his arm. Looking at the two of them, Su Yu immediately turned around to walk away, his heart beating so fast it threatened to leap out of his chest. Is this how Wu Bi felt all those years ago?
“Su Yu!”
A loud cry made him stop mid-step, but he didn't want to turn back and he didn't want to see the woman.
“Ge ge, who is he?” The female asked.
Who is he? Who are you? A question so familiar, like an echo from the past. He huffs. Yes, who is he? So many years have already passed, Su Yu knew deep within, that Wu Bi had moved on already. He’s the silly one, holding onto something from a lifetime ago.
Closure.
Perhaps this is what he needed, to see Wu Bi having moved on from him, to see Wu Bi alive, and happy, without him. This is what he always wanted for Wu Bi anyway, this is why he left.
He left so they both could live, it’s time he starts living too.
Thinking about it, Su Yu started walking again, but what he didn’t expect were the sounds of footsteps following him, then someone grabbing his hand. The touch feels so warm, so familiar, like an old burning ember about to die out coming to life.
Su Yu swallows hard.
“Su Yu, it’s you. It really is you.” Wu Bi’s voice sounds so earnest, he sounds so relieved it didn’t make sense to Su Yu.
He had to see it for himself, to see if it was true, so he turned his head around. A small smile spreads across his lips, but the feeling is somewhat bittersweet.
“It is me.”
“When did you come back, why didn’t you tell me you were coming back? Where have you been all these years? No matter how much I asked Uncle and Auntie, they refused to tell me anything.”
The eagerness in Wu Bi’s voice punches him in the gut and draws all air out of him. He can see Wu Bi almost bouncing off his feet, but he’s holding back. If Wu Bi still … if he still… he’d have pulled Su Yu in by now, he’d have pulled him in and embraced him in a way that almost crushed his bones, but Wu Bi is still standing in place.
It is all Su Yu needed to know.
“Go back inside, your girlfriend is waiting for you. Just pretend I was never here.”
He pushes away Wu Bi’s hand, inch by inch, his heart beats so loud it’s almost deafening and then, he forces himself to turn around and walk away.
Wu Bi is happy, and that’s all that matters—
“Su Yu, you stop right now. She’s not my girlfriend.”
If she’s not a girlfriend, then who is she? For you to bring her here. Su Yu wants to ask, but he can’t bring himself to, so he keeps walking, eyes focused on the pathway in front of him.
“Look at her! Do you not see how young she is? She is my little sister.”
Wu Bi calls after him, Su Yu can hear him taking big steps to catch up.
He freezes in his tracks. “What did you say?”
“She’s my sister!”
Su Yu turns around slowly, and he sees the woman standing there next to Wu Bi, her breathing heavy, her eyes wide with curiosity and questions.
“Sister? The daughter of Mo—?” Even the thought of uttering the name makes him nausetious, but he bites back the bile in his mouth.
“Yes. She’s my brother’s daughter. But he and her mother are divorced, she does not have a good relationship with her dad, so sometimes she sleeps here, sometimes she’ll be at her mom’s.”
At this point, Wu Bi turns to the girl: “I’ll let the driver take you home today, I can’t accompany you tonight.”
“That’s fine. Will you tell mom?”
“Of course, I’ll call her right now.”
Swiftly, Wu Bi picks up his phone. “Hello? Sis? Something’s come up at my place, I let the driver send her home, I’m not coming over today.”
Su Yu is standing there, he’s looking from Wu Bi to the girl, and he finally sees the familiarity between them. She was really young, possibly not even finished sixth grade yet, and Su Yu feels guilty for assuming something she is not. He’s unsure of what to do, but he swears that the girl looked like a grown woman from afar, that’s how tall she is.
Only when Wu Bi had closed the door to the car, did Su Yu wake up from his trance.
“She … really is your niece.”
“Yep.”
Two grown men stand in the middle of the street like that, face to face with each other, not knowing what more to say, Su Yu can’t quite bring himself to utter the apology.
It was Wu Bi who spoke first. “Let’s go inside, it’s cold tonight.”
Walking through the double doors is like being thrown back in time.
Everything is still the same. The houses, the big tree where they buried the box of wishes. He spends some minutes taking it all in, thinking about how years have passed in the blink of an eye.
Wu Bi says in a hushed voice: “it’s the ten year anniversary next year.”
Su Yu nods quietly, not trusting his own voice at that moment.
Everything inside the house was still the same too, the same shabby couch, that god awful tv. Even the fish tank is still here. The fishes were probably the only thing that had changed.
Su Yu looks at everything, like it somehow could give him some answers.
It doesn’t make sense to him that Wu Bi still lives here, that he has lived here all this time from the looks of it, and by himself, except for the company of his niece from time to time apparently. He stares at every piece of furniture, every piece of item in the house, but they have no answers for him, so he is forced to speak; every word he tried to practise in the taxi was gone without a trace.
“You… why are you still living here? Didn’t your father buy that one-bedroom apartment for you back then?”
He winces.
Wu Bi brings him tea, but Su Yu couldn’t bring himself to meet Wu Bi’s eyes when he accepts the teacup.
“I sold it. Then I bought the entire courtyard and the area surrounding it.”
Wu Bi talks about buying land as if there is nothing to it. Of course, to someone like Wu Bi, that is nothing. Money is nothing. Su Yu stares at the tea cup in front of him, but he says nothing. What is there to say? Silence falls over them, an uneasiness settles between them that was never there before.
Su Yu hates it.
“Actually, Uncle and Auntie wanted me to go live with them in the new condo. When they were looking for a new place, they looked for a four-bedroom two living room apartment initially.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Without you, it didn’t matter where I live. At least here I could still feel some of your presence.”
Wu Bi’s words were like a curveball.
No matter how far he ran, Su Yu could never seem to shake the shadow that always followed him, and yet Wu Bi had chosen to stay at a place where he could feel the presence of him, despite how that must have pained him.
None of it makes sense to Su Yu.
He’s suddenly painfully aware of how Wu Bi is sitting away from him, clearly careful so they don’t accidentally touch, it makes Su Yu ache with something he couldn’t explain: between the two of them, Wu Bi had always been the more physical one.
“Do you remember how you promised to spend every holiday celebration with me until I got married?”
Su Yu fiddles with the tea cup.
Wu Bi has always been like this, so honest about whatever he was thinking, however he felt. Su Yu could never. How could he not remember it? Everything was always a tangle inside him until he couldn’t keep them in check anymore and they tumbled out like a mess.
“Honestly, I didn’t want to leave.”
“Then why did you?”
The question is asked without a single shred of accusation; instead the words were filled with so much hurt and pain, Su Yu finally breaks.
“You, you almost died in front of my eyes and it was all my fault, all of it. But I couldn’t stay either, knowing what I did. I couldn’t face you knowing what I had done.”
“What, what do you mean, what you did?”
“The accident, the fact that you almost died, I… I just couldn’t.”
“How was that your fault?”
Su Yu doesn’t have an answer, he just knows it was his fault. Su Yu thinks he’s hearing the tone of the words wrong. He thinks Wu Bi is acting like this to be kind to him, that Wu Bi is saying things to make him feel better. Surely if he looks at Wu Bi, he’ll find all the blame he needs to see, but when looks up, Wu Bi’s eyes stare at him like Su Yu is the one who doesn't make sense, and how is that even possible because Su Yu could clearly remember…
Deep down Su Yu knows Wu Bi is not the kind of person who would do that type of thing—to coat his words so the other feels better—but it was the only thing which made sense to Su Yu.
“I—” Su Yu fumbles.
“Is that why you ran away and hid from me for so many years? Listen, I was the one who made that choice.”
Su Yu still can’t understand. What choice did Wu Bi have? There was nothing he could have done to undo the accident.
“Do you remember when you figured out the truth about my mom?”
He cracks a smile at the painful memory. “How can I not?”
“I was so mad at her for leaving me behind—that, that she was willing to die for my dad, but not willing to live for me. But then, when I realised why my brother gave you the car in the first place, I was the one who made the decision. That moment in the car, when I looked at you, I understood why my mother did what she did, why she chose the way she did.”
No, this is not right, none of this makes sense to Su Yu.
Wu Bi puts a finger under Su Yu’s chin, tilts his face and forces Su Yu to look at him.
“Su Yu, look at me. It was not your fault.”
“But your brother said…”
“Fuck what he said, he’s no brother of mine.” Wu Bi spits the words out like he was throwing out trash, the harsh tone surprises Su Yu and he understands even less.
“What do you mean? He loves you so much, he cares so much about your future, he… he…”
“He what? That he was willing to kill the love of my life, to secure his own position in my father’s company?”
Wu Bi sounds angry now, the reaction startling Su Yu a little.
“What did you just say?” The question tumbled over his lips.
“Yeah, we figured it out after the accident, my cousin, my own flesh and blood had tampered with the car and my father finally kicked him out of everything….”
“No, not that, what, what did you say before that?”
“That you’re the love of my life?”
Wu Bi says it so easily, like breathing, it makes Su Yu’s blood boil.
“Don’t joke about things like that!”
“Why would I ever joke about something like that? Look, if I knew how it would turn out, I’d do it again. I’d be injured or die hundreds, thousands of times over if it’s what it takes to make you understand that.”
With that, Wu Bi pulls him close and kisses him.
Of all things Wu Bi could say and do, Su Yu never expected any of this.
The kiss happens so out of the blue that he freezes in his seat. Wu Bi’s warm, soft lips against his own is something so familiar, yet, it’s something he never thought he’d feel again. It takes a few moments for his brain to catch up, but when he finally does, he can feel himself moving. The kiss is slow at first, like they’re getting to know each other again, as if they’re finding their way back. But then, it’s as if something clicks in both of them, and the kiss turns demanding. It was years of guilt, confusion, grief, yearning mixed together and everything poured out at once, the weight of it hitting him so hard he felt he couldn’t breathe. Wu Bi slides a hand in Su Yu’s hair, and Su Yu leans into the touch.
Before long, Wu Bi is tearing off the buttons of his shirt, and for a moment, Su Yu stops him.
“Maybe we shouldn’t—”
Wu Bi’s eyes were dark, they were blown wide, filled with lust and the want rolled off of him in a way Su Yu hasn’t felt since they were young and it makes him feel dizzy. Wu Bi’s need has always been like this, it has always been so overpowering—all encompassing—Su Yu could even feel him from the opposite side of the room.
Wu Bi puts a finger on his lips, rendering Su Yu mute, his knees weak from the move.
“You were gone for almost a decade. You don’t get to run away from me again, got it?”
Su Yu can only nod, while Wu Bi arranges them so Su Yu’s laying on his back on the couch, his body utterly compliant to everything Wu Bi does.
Wu Bi keeps unbuttoning his shirt, he’s moving slowly, like he’s savouring the process and somehow all Su Yu wants is for Wu Bi to simply tear the fabrics off. He wants to feel Wu Bi’s lips again, he remembers how Wu Bi’s fingers felt like when they touched his skin and his dick twitches when Wu Bi lets a finger travel across his now exposed abdomen. However, the man above him is unhurried, he keeps drawing invisible lines with the slightest touch of his fingertips, touching naked skin, but never closer to anything else. Wu Bi keeps doing this for who knows how many minutes, and Su Yu can feel the desperation in himself grow for every second.
“Maybe we shouldn’t, huh?”
Wu Bi parrots his words from moments earlier, and Su Yu feels the heat spread across his face. He lifts his head, to chase after Wu Bi’s lips again, but Wu Bi ignores him.
Instead, he places open kisses down Su Yu’s neck.
“Hnnngh…” he moans.
“Mmmhm, I know,” Wu Bi whispers into his ear, blowing gentle air against it.
“Wu Bi…”
“What?” Wu Bi urges him, voice silky and soft, and Su Yu shivers.
In face of Wu Bi, Su Yu was never able to hide himself for too long, however hard he tried.
“Please, ge…” the words fall out of Su Yu’s lips.
It’s been so many years, but it’s as if his body and mind still remembers everything, as if however hard he tried to lock away everything, it would be nothing more than a door half ajar, waiting for Wu Bi to barge in. And barge in, Wu Bi would. Every time.
It’s how Wu Bi loves and always has loved him.
“There it is,” Wu Bi coos, and then he slides a hand down Su Yu’s pants.
Su Yu’s rock hard, the way his dick brushes against the fabrics is almost painful, and then he feels Wu Bi’s fingers close around it, stroking slowly, so painfully slow.
“I can’t …”
“Hmm..”
“I can’t hold it…”
“Then don’t… come on my fingers.”
Wu Bi kisses him then, and Su Yu blanks out as he tips over the edge.
He can still feel the high running through his body when he comes to.
“Hi,” he says, feeling a little sheepish, his mind still kind of woozy.
Wu Bi is cradling him in his arms and he breaks into a smile.
“Hi yourself,” Wu Bi answers and kisses the bridge of Su Yu’s nose.
Something inside Su Yu settles, it all falls into place. He breathes, it’s as if he can finally feel air flow through his lungs instead of pain.
“I am sorry, I never realised…”
“Silly. You were always so dense.” Wu Bi ruffles his hair.
He smiles as he intertwines their fingers, and that is when he remembers.
“Oh right, tomorrow is a new year’s. Will you come to my dad and auntie’s place for dinner?”
Wu Bi’s laugh rings in his ears.
“Still not so bright about these things huh, little brother?”
“Tsch, who’s the little brother, you’re the little brother!”
Wu Bi playfully tickles him. “I’m not done with you yet, you want me to show you who’s the big bro again?”
“Okay okay!” Su Yu puts up both arms in surrender, but he finds himself suspended in the air as Wu Bi has already thrown him over his shoulder.
Indeed, the star he’s been looking for has always been there, right in front of him.
“What I longed for is not snow, but another winter with you.
What I was waiting for were not the months, but another chance to see you.
What I am longing for was not an apology, but a new spring so I can always lean on your shoulder.”