Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Good evening Mr TV superstar,” Ted beamed as Roy opened the door. Roy then slammed it straight in his face. The doorbell rang again. Roy closed his eyes, settled his breath and then opened the door again.

“Fuck off Ted,” Roy sighed and moved to shut the door. Ted stuck his foot into the doorjamb as Roy set the door in motion.

“Gosh darn,” Ted cursed as the door solidly thumped into Ted’s outstretched foot.

“What the fuck!” Roy exclaimed and wrenched the door open properly. “What the fuck were you doing?” he shouted as an embarrassed flush spread across Ted’s cheeks.

“Well ow it doesn’t look to hurt too much ow in the movies,” Ted groaned as he hopped into Roy’s house.

“For gods sake come sit down. If this is some con to get me to let you into my house I hope you have broken foot bones,” Roy grumbled, helping Ted down onto the settee and pulling out the little foot stool that he had from his knee surgery so Ted could elevate his foot.

“This is mighty kind of you Roy. Thought you were just going to throw me out onto the street there not invite me in and make sure my foot is doing swell,” Ted smiled, but winced as Roy, not gently at all, pulled off his shoe and prodded at his foot.

“I don’t think it’s broken. But it’s going to swell. I’ll get you some ice then we can both sit in silence until it stops hurting,” Roy growled and stormed into his kitchen. Ted Lasso was on his settee. Ted Lasso clearly wanted him to come back and coach and was now moving his charm offensive into in person instead of virtual or by word of mouth. Roy couldn’t come back to Richmond and coach. He was a pundit now and despite how much he hated Cartrick he was actually enjoying it. But he did love coaching. Roy put the kettle on to do something with his hands and threw the ice into Ted’s lap.

“Thanks there doc,” Ted tipped an imaginary hat and sat with the ice resting on the already bruising muscles of his foot. Roy just growled and stared into middle distance.

They managed to sit in silence until Roy returned with cups of coffee for them.

“So,” Ted hummed.

“No.”

“You didn’t even know what I was going to ask!” Ted exclaimed incredulously.

“I’m not coming back to Richmond,” Roy stated, still looking anywhere but Ted.

“Care to explain to this old soul why?” Ted asked quietly, “because from what I saw with Isaac and with your niece’s team you really like coaching.”

“I do like coaching,” Roy admitted. He did. It gave him purpose but it would hurt too much wouldn’t it? And he couldn’t go back to Richmond anyway.

“And you are good at it so I don’t see the problem Roy?” Ted continued to poke and prod between sips of coffee. “I’m blanket offering you a job. If it’s salary we can work on that, or hours?”

“It’s ethically wrong!” Roy blurted out before his brain caught up with his feeling. Ted for the first time frowned, brow crinkling in confusion.

“Ethically?” he turned to face Roy, and stared deeply into Roy’s soul. A hot red flush spread up Roy’s neck as he threw his head back and groaned. What was it about Ted’s stupid face that made people just confess things to him. This was supposed to be a secret and now Ted know it would not be a secret for long. That man was such a snitch it was unreal. As soon as anyone said anything secret adjancent it was like he couldn’t help himself. But Roy couldn’t come up with a lie. The truth would have to do, but vague. Maybe then Ted wouldn’t be able to fully work it out.

“I’m, I’m dating a player,” Roy stumbled over the words as they forced their away out of the chains encircling his chest. He just wouldn’t say what player and then Ted would never know.

“Oh my lord, you and Jamie are dating!” Ted squealed.

“For fucks sake,” Roy shouted jumping to his feet, “how’d you know it was Jamie?” Ted’s look said it all. They weren’t being as subtle as they thought they were obviously.

“That’s so lovely Roy. I’m so happy for you boys. I’ll have to tell Beard I think he won the betting pool,” Ted rambled pulling out his phone. Roy batted the phone out of Ted’s hand on reflex.

“Sorry,” he apologised immediately at the sight of Ted’s raised eyebrows. “It’s a secret, it’s only new we don’t want the others to know yet,” he explained now the initial spike of panic had faded.

Now that Ted knew this was turning into a little girltalk session and surprisingly Roy was kind of ok with it. It was nice to have someone that was not related to him or the prick in question to talk about this with.

“So when did it start?” Ted asked with a grin.

“When he came back to Richmond,” Roy sighed. “I had broken up with Keeley after the trip that never was and that prick came back off that tv show.”

“Lust Conquers All, you should watch it. He looked hot,” Ted interrupted, and just grinned at Roy’s shocked eyebrows.

“Yeah that. He came to apologise to me. About my knee and about all the things he said about me. Said he was just jealous that I didn’t pay him any attention when he first came to Richmond. I was his idol and all that. He seemed so mellowed, and genuine so I invited him in. Then he got your call and just … never left,” Roy shrugged.

“Aww Roy. That’s a love story for the ages right there. They’ll make it into a film, a hallmark movie, set at Christmas in a ski chalet in the alps,” Ted cooed. It took everything that Roy had to not kick him out right there, fucked up foot or not.

“Absolutely not. We are just, trying it out. Nothing serious,” Roy paused between each word, grinding his teeth and considering what he wanted Ted to know. He didn’t want Ted to know that he was head over heels. He didn’t want Ted to know that if Jamie decided he was too good for Roy then Roy may never recover from that wound.

“Of course of course,” Ted nodded but seemingly couldn’t help himself from cooing.

“Ted,” Roy scolded.

“I know, alright I’ll calm down. So if it’s nothing serious then why not come back to Richmond?”

Roy stared at him, partially in shock and partially in confusion, “it’s an ethical nightmare.”

“Is it though?” Ted asked with a shrug.

“Yes it is, on so many levels. One for the relationship, Jamie might feel he has to stay with me or he could lose his job or his starting spot. And the others might feel like he is being treated unfairly because he’s banging the boss,” Roy rambled.

“But you wouldn’t be the boss. You’d be an assistant coach. Bottom of the hierarchy,” Ted explained. “If you tried to do anything like that there’s a whole team of people that would tell you to stop and honestly, at this point Jamie is more valuable to the team than you are.”

“Wow Ted, way to kick a man when he’s down,” Roy grumbled but Ted was right. They didn’t really need another assistant coach. They did need their national level quality star striker. If anyone was going to get kicked to the curb here it would be Roy.

“No kicking intended, just the facts,” Ted smiled.

Roy ground his teeth and was about to argue again when the sound of the front door opening interrupted his thoughts. “Babe! They didn’t have any cherry tomatoes so I got plum,” there was no hiding that was Jamie’s voice even if Roy had tried to. “They just look more squished right but they’re the same size so there can’t be,” Jamie rambled, walking into the living room as he read the package of plum tomatoes. Jamie looked up and blinked, staring at the grinning Ted. “Roy, why is Ted in your house?”

“He came to offer me the assistant coaching job at Richmond,” Roy groaned, face pressed into his palms in distress at all of this.

“Wait, Nate’s getting fired!” Jamie gasped.

“No, why would you think I was going to sack Nate the Great?” Ted gasped. Roy felt like he was in some alternate reality. He had fallen out of bed and smashed his head open and all of this was some fever dream for his sins? Who did he wrong for him to grow so unbelievably fond of these two idiots?

“Well you ain’t gonna sack Beard are you? So it’s either Nate or three assistant coaches which is just unnecessary really,” Jamie shrugged.

“I happen to think it is very necessary. Roy would bring something to the table that none of the rest of us have,” Ted grinned looking between Roy and Jamie. Jamie hummed and nodded slowly.

“He does have an old-timey wisdom,” Jamie mused.

“I’m right here!” Roy exclaimed.

“Are plum tomatoes fine?” Jamie shouted back.

“Yes!”

“Right, I’ll go put this stuff away then,” Jamie reached down and gave Roy a peck on the cheek before retreating into the kitchen.

Only to come out a second later, a shade paler, and still holding the tomatoes. “Um, yeah. That meant nothing. Purely platonic bro kiss. Nothing to see here. Just two bros making food together,” Jamie rambled, eyes wide and frantic.

“Jay it’s fine he knows,” Roy sighed, now turning to stare at the heavens for help getting out of this.

“And I think it is just so gosh darn adorable. You two little sweethearts finally stopped pulling each other’s pigtails,” Ted cooed.

“Any more of that and you are out!” Roy growled. Jamie however let out a deep sigh of relief.

“Oh thank the stars I thought I right fucked it,” Jamie beamed, perching on the side of Roy’s arm chair with one foot tucked underneath him. Still holding the plum tomatoes.

“Stop sitting like that you’ll fuck your ankle,” Roy muttered under his breath. Jamie rolled his eyes and then smirked. In a flash Jamie had deliberately rolled backwards and was now laid across Roy’s lap with his legs hooked over the arm he was previously sat on.

“That better coach?” Jamie grinned up at him through those intoxicating lashes.

“Not your coach.”

“Not yet,” Jamie smirked. Ted cooed again but was effectively silenced by Roy’s glare. He mimed zipping his lips and putting the key in his pocket. “Come on Roy. You would be really good at it. You always give me well good advice and it would be fun to work together,” Jamie pouted.

“It’s the morality of it. I’d be your boss.”

Jamie huffed his displeasure, “as if Ted or anyone else would let you fuck me over, or fuck me. Either, they wouldn’t let you do either!” Ted made a noise befitting of a fifties housewife at Jamie’s comment but otherwise remained silent.

“I can’t Jamie. It just wouldn’t be right,” Roy shook his head but he knew that his excuses were starting to fall flat.

“Just, like, come along to training tomorrow. See the lads. Get involved and we can see if you want to continue?” Jamie suggested, full puppy dog eyes in effect. God! Roy could not say no to him.

“Fine!” Roy shouted and Jamie cheered. Ted just did a little fist bump but when both men looked at him in confusion he mimed unzipping his lips.

“Well that’s a darn good idea Roy. Try before you buy but for jobs, excellent idea,” Ted nodded and got to his feet. Jamie also sprung up with a childlike agility that made Roy want to trip him up so bad.

“Why am I saying yes to this,” Roy groaned.

“Because I love you,” Jamie leant down to give him a kiss. “And you love me,” he added with another kiss. Ted cooed again and got flipped off as Jamie deepened this kiss.

“Ain’t you gonna stay for tea Ted?” Jamie frowned, heading towards the kitchen door, tomatoes still in hand.

“Oh no I still hate that dirty soap water!”

“No the food tea.”

“It comes in a solid now?!”

“No it’s like, another word for an evening meal.”

“Well ain’t this language like a rollercoaster. You never know what’s coming next!”

Roy dropped his head into his hands. He had signed up for this. They were going to drive him insane. So why did he find himself smiling into his hands? They were idiots. But they were his idiots.