Work Text:
Hazel felt… weird.
Strange.
Her own emotions often felt like a mystery to her, sometimes more than others. There had always been emotions that were hard for her to explain and put into words, and certain emotions that confused her in more ways than one. Sometimes embarrassing her, and sometimes making her confused about who she was, and what she felt.
Sometimes, the confusion was filled with shame as she didn’t even know what to think anymore, or why she was feeling the way she did. Like there was no real answer, while a part of her thought she did know why.
Perhaps it was because of her mother. She’s called a witch, after all. The nuns at her school never liked her anyway, and there was so much gossip. Everyone assumed that there was something strange about her, something wrong about her that no one could fix. Like if some part of her was broken. Or that she was experiencing something that she shouldn’t, something that was shunned.
Something that she pushed to the side, not even wanting to focus on the thoughts back then, her life already being too confusing.
She had done her best to ignore all of those budding feelings inside of her as she grew older. How the way she looked at some of her classmates changes subtly, more romantic, her becoming interested and flustered.
Not only towards the boys.
It’s not unheard of, but even as a young teenager, she had heard the way topics of such nature were spoken of. With disdain, something that was shunned, and something the nuns tried to avoid to even utter, saying that it wasn’t a topic for children, and that it would sway them towards sin.
Already being the target for harassment, already being accused of being the daughter of a witch, Hazel had pushed those thoughts aside, wanting to suppress that part of her that she was too afraid to properly acknowledge. She didn’t want to find yet another thing about her that was wrong or broken, or something that would make her even more of an outsider than she already was. She was already black and shunned for how she was born, she was already considered a freak because of her mother and the fact that she had no father in the picture. They called her lazy and dumb at school too because she couldn’t keep up. She couldn’t add to it even more.
She just wanted some part of her to be normal. Hazel was too terrified of not ever fitting in, not even in a single group. So, she suppresses those strange new thoughts, doing her best to bury them. And for a while it works.
There hadn’t been that many people to interact with in Alaska either
Or in the Underworld after her death, as she spent decades on her own, lonely.
Those thoughts hadn’t even crossed her mind again, slapping her right in the face when she arrived at Camp Jupiter, meeting Reyna for the very first time.
Reyna, her praetor with that confident, secure look in her eyes. That silky dark hair framing her skin so perfectly, her eyes that showed a harsh, yet warm sense of care and duty over everyone. The harsh hand everyone needed, from someone who still cared deeply enough for everyone.
Hazel had been scared and confused in this new world, finding out more about herself and her past, feeling like an outsider at Camp Jupiter at first, trying to fit in. And even if she didn’t interact with Reyna too much, even if she had just been on probatio and Reyna had been her praetor, something started to swell up inside of Hazel. So many new emotions, as Reyna was quickly the only one on her mind. She made her feel warm, she was all she could think about, and when she found her mind drifting astray as she began to daydream, it was about talking about her, being close to her. Admiring the way the sun seemed to kiss her skin and paint her during a sunset. Wondering what it would feel like to run her fingers through her hair, hearing her laugh and leaning in for a ki…
Whenever her daydreams went into that territory, Hazel quickly snapped out of it, confused, embarrassed, with her face flushed completely.
Unlike back at Saint Agnes where it had been fairly easy to hide any affection for someone, it was almost impossible when it came to Reyna. Her mind was living a life on its own, making her scream internally as she couldn’t push these new and confusing feelings aside. They were just as strong as other feelings that she’s had in the past, just as strong as what she had felt for Sammy. There was no difference in the way she felt for either of them, and no other sensations that could explain away what she was feeling, which only made her more confused, and more concerned.
She’s tried so hard to bury these feelings, yet she hadn’t. At first it had worked well, but then she had to have met Reyna, and Hazel’s brain and heart had gone all weird and stupid, and she couldn’t suppress it anymore.
It was intimidating, truly realizing that she was having such feelings for another girl. Because now, it was at the stage where she couldn’t deny it anymore, and it was terrifying. For so many reasons. First was of course that Reyna was another girl, and that would make it never work out. She'd be shunned, she’d be an outcast yet again, just when she thought she might belong. She’d be looked down upon. And Reyna would never look at her in the eyes ever again, and Hazel would lose the only sort of comfort that she had.
Even if Reyna didn’t love her, Hazel felt comfortable around her, even if they couldn’t be classified as more than acquaintances that were part of the same legion. But Reyna was their leader, and Hazel was drawn to the secure and calm leadership of hers, and the warmth she produced.
But even if she liked Reyna in a way she probably shouldn’t, she knew that Reyna would never like her back. Because what even were the odds of that? Especially someone like her, a nobody, when Reyna could have any boy she wanted with her power and status.
It became torture, almost impossible to hide as she kept feeling the flushed sensations all over her, as her body and soul refused to let go of this crush that was eating her alive. This crush she still felt confused about having. She felt so alone, so distraught, so terrified because she didn’t know what to do with it, or who to talk to. She didn’t have too many friends either, and a part of her was too scared of voicing such a big secret, afraid of being shunned.
After all, it had been one of the biggest taboos when she grew up.
At first, she thought she might be alone with this secret, having to bear it forever by herself, and for months it was the same.
Until one trip to New Rome with some other members of the fifth cohort, where Hazel spotted two veterans going for ice cream together. Two men in their mid twenties, holding hands openly, and no one seemed to bat an eye.
Hazel had been so caught off guard that she had stopped moving without even realizing it, as the rest of the group continued. Frank, who had only been there for three weeks at the time.
“What are you staring at?” he had asked, because now she was staring into nothingness, the couple having already passed them.
“Nothing, I just zoned out.”
For the rest of the day, her mind was going haywire.
She thinks about the couple, holding hands openly. She thinks about how no one had batted an eye at it, or seemed to see it as strange. To screams, no slurs, and no fear or embarrassment in the couples eyes. No one made a scene as they lived their life.
It looked surreal, and too good to be true, as it made Hazel question everything about the world, and about herself, everything almost too much as a million emotions overwhelmed her as she questioned herself and her entire life. How taboo that subject had been, how anyone open would have been shunned, and that it was always kept secret. That it hadn’t been considered a topic for children, and that people like that… like herself… were wrong and broken.
She knew she was in a different time, but it was still strange to believe, even when she saw it with her own eyes. But could it really be that this was such a different time that no one considers this to be strange or unusual anymore? She had been too scared to hope at first, but on the other hand… she had entered a new time period. A time period were not a single person at Camp Jupiter seemed to take issue with the color of her skin, with her being far from the only black demigod among the legion. If she could share a cohort, sleeping in the same room as people of several different races with no one considering it an issue… perhaps the world was better with things like this too.
Perhaps she wasn’t considered an outcast. Perhaps there wasn’t something wrong with her.
Hazel thinks about it for the rest of the day, and she thinks about Reyna.
Reyna, and all of the emotions she made her feel. The buildup inside of her, the happiness and the warmth that clearly showed that what Hazel felt was more than simple admiration. It was a crush, even if a part of her still tried to deny it, as if to warn her to not acknowledge it. But she couldn’t keep it contained, not now after seeing that things might be different.
That her feelings for Reyna might not be as unnatural as she thought they had been back in the forties.
She keeps thinking about Reyna until her face gets so warm that she swears she’s about to set herself on fire. She knows that Reyna doesn’t like her back, and a part of her aches because of it, but another part of her feels so powerful simply acknowledging that the feelings are there. It’s empowering not shutting these feelings off, pretending that they don’t exist.
They’re there. They’re strange, new, and confusing, but they’re there.
After another few hours, she can’t keep it contained anymore, and she goes to the person she trusts the most. Which is Frank. He’s been here a short time, but she did enjoy his company, and it feels like he might be good to have this conversation with. At least, Hazel wants to get this chest off of her chest.
The way she starts the conversation is incredibly strange and straight forward though, because she doesn’t know how to bring up the subject.
“Have you ever been in love with a boy?”
For about two, three seconds, Frank looks at her confused, and at first it makes Hazel afraid that she’s misunderstood the situation and social cues, and that she’s just made a huge mistake.
Thankfully it doesn’t seem to be the case.
“Not really. I’m pretty sure that I’m straight.”
“Straight?”
“Yeah, you know, the opposite of gay. Liking the other gender. Heterosexual. Why are you asking?"
Hazel internally curses herself. Of course they would use different words for it today. When talking about people who were gay, they were often called homosexual at best, or slurs at worst. But she did find comfort in knowing that there was a word like “straight” and that it seemed to not simply be called “normal” by most people anymore.
“Well, there’s this girl and… well, I don’t really know what to call myself.”
“Oh, you think you’re lesbian? Do you have a crush on someone?”
The way Frank is taking this so casually is both comforting, and also a little bit scary to Hazel. She’s acting like this is one of the most normal conversations in the world, and that she hadn’t just told him a very big secret.
“I do. And maybe? I’ve… been having these feelings for girls all my life but I never really thought about them a lot. I tried to not think about them. It wasn’t the best place to be open about it and I was afraid I would be treated differently, you know.”
“Ah, yes. I get that coming out can be terrifying. I’m not even queer myself but it must be terrifying sometimes, especially when there’s people around being all weird about it,” he says. “But Camp Jupiter seems really accepting about it.”
She nods.
“Yeah. This is the first place where I can really think about it and my feelings,” she says, with her subconscious starting to think about Reyna. “But I’m still figuring it all out. Because I’ve got these feelings for boys too and I thought that I couldn’t really like girls until I got this crush and all. My brain tried to tell me it was one or the other.”
“It doesn’t have to be. It kind of sounds like you’re bisexual, but I’m not going to label your sexuality for you,” he says, and Hazel starts thinking about the word. Liking both was actually an option. “That’s for you to do yourself, only you know who you are. But I’m happy that you’re able to figure it out yourself now.”
She nods.
“Thanks. It’s just a lot at the same time. Figuring myself out, this thing with Reyna and…”
“Wait a minute, you have a crush on Reyna?”
Immediately, she tenses up, her cheeks growing warm, and she wants to sink under the earth from pure embarrassment. No one was supposed to know, and it takes all of Hazel’s willpower to not run away.
“Don’t tell anyone, that’s embarrassing.”
He simply laughs as he nods.
“Of course. But this makes so much sense, no wonder you’ve looked so awkward around her.”
As she finds out that it’s been noticeable, Hazel grows more embarrassed. But at the same time, she grows calmer, and more secure of herself. This was a part of herself that she was still discovering, and while she was sure that Reyna would never return her feelings, it felt nice not having to worry about this on her own anymore. It feels nice slowly figuring herself out and how she fits into this world, little by little.
It’s nice when such a conversation already feels so normal. It’s one less secret to hide.