Chapter Text
“I’m gonna take this off for a second so we can talk better is that okay buck?” It looks at the mysterious person with kind eyes and a soft smile. It wonders who this handler is and when they initially met. They seem familiar but so distant. It realises that the handler won’t move without something, perhaps permission from it? This is a new game the soldier has never encountered and easily plays along. Anything to not fail the mission.
“Yes” It gives a nod for good measure shortly after and loki thinks they might mistake it for a second but the minute they fully remove the mask they feel it fully. Why they felt so off the second they stepped into the house. This isn’t buck, it’s the Sargent.
“Soldier. Do you know where you are honey?” Loki mentally curses themself for adding the pet name that might confuse or upset soldier, but they hope it helps.
“No, I don’t. Are you my new handler? I’m sorry if I don’t remember us meeting I promise I can take my full punishment” Their eyes widen in worry and anger at the thought that he would ever be deserving of punishment that wasn’t something he wanted or benefited from.
“I’m not your handler Buck, you no longer have handlers. We met briefly before but it’s completely okay if you don’t remember me. A lot was happening around that time, but please let me make it clear you would never be deserving of a punishment here okay?”
The soldier tenses at this info unknowingly looking for pain to bind them to the moment. They grab their blood-clotted arm and squeeze, reopening the wound letting more blood flow through.
Loki holds their gaze seeing the pain apparent on their face, they look lower and see the gashes, blood pooling below and nearly lose their heartbeat. In fact all breath they previously inhabited within a second is pulled from them.
“Baby- Soldier why did you do this darling? Hm, can you please tell me that?” They start grabbing at his arm inspecting the damage while taking the bloodied shirt next to him and pressing it into the wound.
“Are you angry with me? I’m sorry I can do whatever you require please I can’t fail the mission” Loki doesn’t even pick up on what he’s saying at first.
They’re too absorbed on how they can get buck medical care without spooking the soldier. “Angry? No no honey I’m not angry at all I promise, I’m just worried. I know that doesn’t make sense right now but I’m very worried about you” They say trying to calm things down though mostly trying to steady themselves.
“How can I make amends without punishment? And why are you calling me those names? Are those my new phrases? Please I can do whatever you would like me to do once I understand the game more” And if that doesn’t break loki’s mind and heart they don’t know what does. They want no need to answer these questions and reassure him, but first the wound.
“I can answer almost every question you might have but first I need you to stand up and follow me, can you do that for me?” They say in a steady low voice.
“Yes, I can stand” The soldier replies in an even tone untucking their legs and rising slowly. Loki follows him gripping his arm while walking toward the bathroom.
They see a red spot on the tile figuring this is where the mutilation started. They lightly settle him on the toilet seat before looking for the kit and successfully finding it quickly. The soldier is confused by this display of concern from this mystery handler. Perhaps hydra is testing out new methods of torture that it is not aware of. Loki turns to him and gives a sad smile before speaking.
“We don’t want that to get infected so I’m gonna bandage and dress it now honey. In order to do that properly I'm going to touch you. Is that something you can handle right now?” They need to stop the steady bleeding from the open wound but the soldier needs to understand this isn’t out of a punishment.
“Yes sir anything you desire” It looks up at them with obedient and trained eyes. Loki tenses at that but moves past it lightly grabbing his arm wiping the blood before cleaning it with rubbing alcohol and iodine. While wrapping up they finally open their mouth not being able to hold it back.
“I’m Loki by the way. I’m one of your partners”
“You’re not my handler? Did something happen to my previous handlers?”
They want to declare to him so badly that both of the cunts are lying in a ditch with not a breath left in them looking up to the sky, courtesy of themselves and Steven. But that probably wouldn’t be helpful to hear in this state and what buck needs matters more.
“They are indisposed at the moment but regardless of their whereabouts, you have no reason to worry or fret. You no longer have handlers at all soldier, you’re free” They finish wrapping up then put the kit back.
“Can you follow me again? I just want you to be somewhere comfortable” It gives them a blank look they can’t place before nodding and standing. They walk them to the bedroom as it sits on the bed with a knowing look.
“I’ll be right back okay? I’m just gonna grab water and some things” They nervously smile at them preparing for another jarring response. “That’s fine. Can I use the bathroom first to freshen up?” It gives them a blank face with a tight jaw.
“Uh sure, it's just through there” Loki says while pointing to the main bathroom in the room.
“You don’t have to ask to use the bathroom though darling. Whenever you need to you can just go, you don’t need permission to do anything you’d like” With that they leave the room in search of water, juice, and a snack. Coming home they were mentally preparing to do extra aftercare to buck not the whirlwind of giving aftercare to the winter soldier.
And it’s definitely an ordeal, to say the least, but not something they’re incapable of handling. Out in the kitchen, they take a moment to breathe and center themselves splashing a bit of water on their face before putting ice cubes in the water.
They make their return to the room finding a pantless, only donning boxers buck. Or soldier to be more specific. Sitting on the bed with calculated eyes and pants folded neatly on the bed next to him.
“Did you want a different pair of pants? Perhaps something more comfortable?” They try in a relaxed voice putting down the water on the nightstand.
“Please don’t play more games. Let’s just get it over with, I hate when you guys try to make me confused” Loki’s head tilts in confusion and their forehead scruches in anger.
“Buck. I’m sorry, Soldier I’m not playing any tricks with you okay?” Before they can continue the soldier interjects.
“Fucking bullshit you convinced me for a second you were different. It doesn’t matter I’ll complete my mission okay?” It looks up at them before giving a small huff under its breath. Loki curses themselves for bringing him to the bedroom not even thinking of the implications that could arise.
“Please listen to me we are doing nothing but talking and you drinking some water. I’m not your handler. You reside in New York City at this apartment in Brooklyn with me and your other partner named Steve”
“My other partner? I have two boyfriends?” They ask seemingly losing a smidge of their previous anger.
“Well my pronouns are they/them most days, I’m genderfluid. But yes, Steve is still he/him so you can consider him your boyfriend. I’m just your partner”
“Oh. That’s nice I guess. What are my usual duties in the…relationship?” They ask with a slight tilt. Loki hopes this isn’t going in a big circle.
“Well, they’re whatever you wish to do. Remember that you’re completely untethered to hydra. Your choices are that of your own Buck” They give him the water and they take it with a silent nod in thanks.
“You keep calling me buck, is that my regular name?”
“Yes, your full name is James Buchanan Barnes but most people call you Buck or Bucky. Sorry, I know that you’re usually used to “Winter Soldier” but no one calls you that anymore” They look away from him trying to not seem so overbearing.
“So I’m free just like that? No hidden meaning or secret agenda?” It looks to them with the most hopeful look loki thinks they’ve ever seen. “You are. You’re your own man with no holds barred. I’m deeply sorry it wasn’t always this way”
They give the faintest smile at the news. Their head begins swarming with mixed memories when a sudden wave of exhaustion hits them like a baton to the back.
“Hm, that's good. Me being mine, alone”
“It is. More than good I would say, it’s your basic rights honey. What happened to you, all that it entails isn’t your fault in the slightest” They finish the glass before giving it back to loki.
They put it on the nightstand while giving him a snack and standing suddenly. They go into the drawers looking for sleepwear that buck usually likes then give the garments to him.
They eat the bar then put down the wrapper. Standing to change and putting the clothing on, loki looks away in respect. “Why’d you look away we’re partners right?” It asks confused as to why that reaction would be warranted. Are they unattractive to them in some capacity?
“To give you privacy, you’re in a vulnerable state and you’re allowed the comfort of changing without onlookers. Regardless of our relationship”
“Do you promise?” It questions with sadness in their voice. A loaded question with many answers. Loki looks at him now fully clothed.
“That you’re entitled to privacy? Absolutely” They say earnestly.
“No, not that. That I’m out, just done with Hydra and fully my own person?” The question tears them into two. The fact that he would ever have to doubt such a thing, but they pull through and answer promptly.
“I would never lie to you about something like that. You are truly free I swear it on asgard, on my life. You will never meet a danger akin to the likes of which you’ve suffered before my love. You’re safe here” The soldier breaks at that.
To finally hear those words when they could never have envisioned such a thing happening. To even think of a future without being a soldier would go against orders.
“Okay, I’ll try to believe that, loki” They look at him and get filled with the desire to comfort but don’t want to make him uncomfortable so ultimately they just ask.
“Can I hug you? If that's okay?” It nods before even registering it. Slowly loki approaches his space before carefully giving him a hug. As expected at first he’s held back and jolts a bit at the first touch.
Then just as slowly as the sensation came it goes into the space and their tiredness wins. They feel an odd sense of comfort before the other retracts.
“See not so bad right?” They nod in agreement almost automatically. “You seem really tired I’m sure today has been a lot for you. You should get some rest” They say glancing to the bed behind them.
“I don’t know if I can but I’ll try” Loki smiles at the small changes so far. “That’s all I could ask of you. Speaking of promises I need to call steve and tell him to come home” They say glancing at the clock while picking up the water and throwing the wrapper away.
“Why if I can ask? Did you promise him something too?” Soldier rounds the bed before lifting the covers and feeling how normal yet foreign the motion feels.
“I promised him that I would look out for you and I failed that aspect. He needs to know” Taken aback at their words it looks at them confused. “You did nothing wrong though. I did the-” It pauses to look at their arms before continuing.
“You know it wasn’t you that hurt me, I did it and I’m fine” The soldier tries.
“I came home to my boyfriend bleeding with a mask on his face, and when I finally talked to him I found that it wasn’t fully the man I know. I think that deserves a phone call” Soldier grimaces apologetically at how it all looked.
“Sorry, that had to be a lot”
“Don’t apologize you didn’t do any of those things on purpose. You acted on instinct” Once his eyes start fluttering down loki starts to pick up on how tired he truly is and heads for the door handle.
“Have a nice nap soldier, it was nice to meet you”
“You too” They reply as their head hits the pillow.
☆☆☆
Hands grip the counter in an effort to remain calm but the voices of doubt still creep in. How could I leave him alone like that, how could steve for that matter? They search for their phone in a coat pocket as it finds them with a vibration. Pulling it out they see the face trying to call them, Steve. What impeccable timing he has they think.
“Hi, honey I just got done with sam and I’m on my way home. How was the drive back-”
“Steven” He stops walking before standing under an awning.
“What’s wrong you only call me that when there’s trouble. Did something happen?” His unseen face twisted up in worry.
“A lot of somethings happened- just get back as soon as you can, please” They say with a heavy sigh.
“Can I know what I'm coming back to?”
“Buck is okay right now but that’s definitely not the scene I walked into. He hurt himself and more than that he- he wasn’t James when I came home” They hope he picks up on the deeper meaning, still not wanting to have this conversation even though they must.
“He did what? No, no things have been going well. I mean he has bad days we all do but he hasn’t shown signs of wanting to do that in a long time loki” His voice comes through shakily with the tale-tell sign of a panic attack.
“Sweetheart breathe I’m coming to you” In an instant loki walks over to the couch before making a portal to steve. They pull him in and slowly place him on the couch. “I know I agreed not to use magic in public but this was grounds for an exception” Steve nods before looking around the living room.
“What happened here?” He asks with a creased temple scanning over the disarray of the closet and floor.
“He went looking for the mask, not that it was hard to find. I think he did that as himself or maybe the soldier convinced him to. I’m just as lost on that as you might be” They wipe over their face in contemplation.
“I’m sorry soldier? What are you talking about?”
“Yeah it was a shock to me too, he was kneeling on the floor with the mask on his face. It was like he was bloody entranced with the task” They start rubbing his back seeing his breath pick up.
“He was that messed up from the scene? I wouldn’t leave him like that if I knew it was that bad loki, I promise I asked him if it was okay. He went over the whole importance of sticking to a schedule and I was the idiot for going instead of staying” He grabs his chest as each word bubbles up in throat.
“First of all you’re not an idiot and I’m sure he was very adamant about that. We’ve all been working on giving him space and trusting that he knows what he needs. But this time- I don’t know” They stand up and get a glass of water passing it to steve as he takes it with shaky hands.
“What did you two do last night?” A sad smile greeting their face.
“Nothing out of our normal play, I tied him up a bit, held him down and choked him enough just to get out of his thoughts. He said it helped after when he got all floaty and soft. I cared for him after obviously and again this morning before I left” He sips the glass taking in deep breaths in-between. Definitely not his first panic attack and won’t be his last.
“I won’t lie to you, after all the smoke cleared and I let him rest I was the slightest bit upset that you could leave him in such a state-”
“Honey I would never-” Steve tries to rush the words out in rebuttal.
“Hold on I’m not done, I was initially upset but I know in my heart you would never go if you saw him the way I did when I came back. I know he can heal beyond normal “human” standards but god steve if he fucking wasn’t, those gashes on his arm could’ve done serious damage. Whether it’s soldier or buck it’s still him and we have to get down to the bottom of it” The fire in them slowly fizzles to a simmer once they look at steve.
“You’ll get no complaints from me other than being genuinely sorry, to both him and you. Especially for not being here to help when he clearly needed it” He sets the cup down and grabs loki’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before standing.
“I know you’re apologetic but you had absolutely no idea this was going to occur and it does no good to yourself or bucky for that matter to beat yourself up” They say softly.
“Hm, yeah I hear you”
“Where are you off to now?”
“I’m gonna take another shower I feel like I stink” He walks towards their bedroom and opens the door seeing a peaceful buck sleeping like he should’ve been to begin with. He picks up some clean clothes and heads for the bathroom.
☆☆☆
In the meantime, loki preoccupies their mind with cleaning the living room. Putting their various games and coats away. Unknowingly- at least that’s the lie they’ll tell themselves, from cleaning the oxidized blood stain on the floor. Too much too soon.
Sometime later steve gets out of the shower and the stain is no more. They order food from some thai place buck can’t get enough of. Anything to cling to the air of normalcy is a check in their book right now.
“You cleaned it too? I could’ve done that baby. You already had to deal with everything from before-”
“It’s okay I’d rather be the one to fix it, no reason why both of us had to go through it” They quip in that short tone they use. The one where emotions cloud judgment and they see no end in sight, steve knows it well.
“Dove, would you come here for a second?” He knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s a quiet call and response to see where their head is at. The name at first shocks their system like it always does but they walk over in almost a slitterly way, drawn to him by a beckoning call.
“Is there something you need dearest?” Eyeing him up and down with his chest exposed still glistening from the pour of the shower, while soft bottoms hug his waist in comfort.
“You look understandably tense but I’d like to calm you down a bit. Can I do that for you?” He asks calmly, okay with any answer that they could give.
“I’m not that tense just a little on the edge”
“You do understand that’s the same thing doll?”
A small huff falls from their lips and it's truly on instinct how quickly steve holds their chin and connects them together. It slowly sinks into him that they haven’t kissed since their return back. Just as the realization creeps up on their face, he pulls away.
“Take your shirt off and sit down here for me, will you?” He says while getting a bottle from the room. Coming back with his shirt on and green gloves that grip.
“Putting more clothes on while I strip mine off? Do you fancy me to be a personal dancer for you Mr. Rogers?” They give a sly chuckle before sitting down on the barstool chair.
“If you were one, you’d be the finest I’ve ever seen. Cause you’re my best girl, isn’t that right?” Steve says directly in their ear. It must be as warm as he intended because any quick rebuttal falls on silent lips.
“Now shush, let's see if we can’t loosen you up before dinner. And no, not in that way, massage only sweetheart” He hears a sad tsk before silently laughing it off. He pours some oil on the gloves rubbing them together before pouring a little on their back.
“I know you’ve had a tough ordeal with the tsa and dealing with the troubles in asgard. Not to mention your family, I’m sure they didn’t make it easy on you hm?” He rolls their shoulders putting pressure on the little pockets of space that connect to their bones. Making sure the gloves bear the weight of his pressure as the oil slides the tension right along.
“How are they by the way?” A few beats of silence lingers before he adds.
“You may speak now”
“I wasn’t aware I could” A hand slightly tightens around the back of their neck, giving a slow pull that removes some of the damage of jetlag and serves to give a silent warning.
“It shit- It was fine the same things I’ve been hearing for years about me needing to be a better god and that means being a man"
"Regardless of the fact that we have a multitude of various genders that are completely understood and respected amongst the people. But the minute that it has to do with anything pertaining to royalty they’re suddenly contrarian and traditional” They roll their neck in timing with the pushes and pulls steve gives them. They hate how right he was about needing this.
“That really sucks honey I’m sorry that you had to deal with that nonsense. I wish that we could’ve gone this time as a buffer. Your father will truly be the death of us all or the winner of a shinner to the face if he keeps this up” He pours some body-safe scents on his bare hands working in the mint oil as it cools their neck and back.
He knows it's definitely relaxing, being their specially enchanted oil. Labeling and color coding have frequently saved them all headaches time and time again.
“Well, Thor was the buffer this time. Anytime father wanted to give me a delightfully asinine comment on my ever-changing personality, appearance and namely my sleepwear this time, thor was quick to change the topic or push another more important matter on him. I believe he is learning much more about how to support me, which is a particularly nice feeling to say the least” They hear the cap close and reach to pull their shirt on as the doorbell rings.
Steve plants a few kisses on their neck before walking to the door and tipping the delivery driver. “Thai huh? Nice choice I see someone was feeling sentimental tonight”
“Yeah a little, thanks for the massage I hate to say it but I really needed it. My back feels wrung out and smoothed. Makes up for the charcuterie I was promised” They say with a fond smile while putting back the chair.
“Oh fuck I’m so sorry doll everything just got in the way with today. I’ll make it for you tomorrow if you still want it” He hopes that things won’t be as chaotic tomorrow.
“It’s alright I know the day got ahead of us both-”
“Hey sunshine when’d you get back in town? You know you could’ve woken me up” They emerge from the bedroom door, hair slightly tousled with their arms crossed. Steve immediately gets up from the couch and loki follows.
“Bucky-”
“Buck darling-”
“That’s my name don’t wear it out” He slightly jokes noting how not an ounce of a chuckle is given back to him.
“What’s gotten into you two? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something” He walks over to the couch and sits in their place. Causally like he’s done before a million times in the past.
“Do you remember anything about this morning? Like what happened at all?” Steve asks cautiously.
“Uh you went to the gym to work out with sam and babydoll over here was gonna watch me for a while when they came back. But I must’ve been knocked out so they let me sleep it off. Still could’ve woken me up I wouldn’t have been mad or anything” He looks at the food bag and smiles. Waking up from a somewhat stellar nap and his favorite take-out place?
“Do you remember talking to me when I got back around noon honey? Do you know how you got that bandage on your arm?” Loki slowly sits next to him, steve following by sitting on the coffee table.
He scrunches his brows in confusion at the third degree of questions before he pulls his shirt up revealing tightly wrapped bandages and bled through patches.
“Okay, what the fuck is going on? This wasn’t on my arm this morning- I didn’t fucking do this if that’s what you two are insinuating”
“No we’re not buck, not at all. We completely believe you okay? It’s just a lot of not understanding going around for all of us. Can we tell you what we know and you can fill in the blanks if you have them?” Steve suggests hoping to get on the same page but not scare him away.
“Yeah okay sure, let me know why I have a zombie size gash on my arm cause I sure as shit don’t”
“It has to do with the Winter Soldier” Loki says as calmly as they can. Not that either of them knows the easiest way to break this news to someone.
Buck’s blood runs cold at the name. They don’t talk about the past unless it’s an emergency or topic-related, it's their rule and has worked for them since. So it comes as a surprise for him that they’re bringing this up especially since buck just- No, they would never do something like that.
“You go snooping in my brain loki?” He asks genuinely hoping to be dignified with the truth.
“What? No, I would never buck. Please don’t think that lowly of me”
“Then how would you know I had a dream about him?”
It’s time for them to be taken aback at a confession.
☆☆☆