Chapter Text
“Gabe! Gabe!” Balthazar slid off his bunk and ran to the archangel as he sauntered down the hall. “Gabe! I’ve missed you!”
The archangel laughed and swung him up off the floor in a hug. “Hey Balthy. Have any new stories?”
“Nope! Been waiting for you.”
“Aww...isn’t that sweet.” He manifested a lollipop, handing it to him as he set him back down on the floor. “And who’s this?”
“This is my new brother.” Balthazar said proudly. “His name is Cassiel.”
“Castiel.” the dark haired fledgeling corrected quietly.
“that’s what I said!”
“Close enough.” Gabriel said.
Castiel frowned. “my name is Castiel, not Cassiel – I will not take someone else’s name.”
Gabe raised an eyebrow and popped a chocolate into his mouth. “Pendantic little shit, aren’t you.”
“You are…”
“Gabe’s the best – he has the most fun games.” Balthazar promised, gesturing widely with his lolly.
“If you say so…”
“I do. Where are you going now?” he asked, looking up at the archangel.
“Well. There’s a family meeting in the throne room, and I’ve been summoned in case I need to make any announcements.” he rolled his eyes.
“Is that your job?” Castiel asked.
“yeah. Pretty boring work really. Nothing special or anything. Although there was that one time in that tiny desert town...that was pretty fun.”
“Can we play a game today?”
He smiled at Balthazar. “Maybe later, Balthy. Kinda already late for this meeting so...toodles.” he ruffled his hair and walked away.
Balthazar sighed and offered his half finished lolly to Castiel. “...wanna follow him?”
“Are we permitted to?”
He shrugged. “No one said we can’t this time.”
“Balthazar. You are back.”
He ran a hand over the leaf of a nearby fern and looked at the flowers blooming on it, ignoring the voice behind him for as long as he could. “...if it’s a problem-”
“No, no. Not a problem.” Joshua smiled kindly at him. “never a problem, Balthazar. All angels are welcome here.”
He nodded, bending down to smell a blossom. “I never see anyone besides you here.”
“Well...since the Fall, there hasn’t been much time for the simpler things.”
Balthazar nodded vaguely, moving on to a tree and resting his hand on the trunk.
“I’ve seen you more often lately.” he said, following him.
“I...have had more free time lately.”
“Have you?”
He thought of the sword drills, of the sparring sessions, of the missions across the earth to prune out the especially troublesome monsters; and he nodded.
“Are you happy, Balthazar?”
“It is..peaceful here. Quiet.” he looked around.
Joshua listened.
“...do you think this is what we’re fighting for? Another type of Eden?”
“What do you think we’re fighting for?”
He chuckled. “We are fighting for…” he trailed off.
“You don’t know anymore?”
“Oh, it’s the same thing we’ve always fought for – the humans, of course. Their...life. Their happiness. Whatever.”
“You sound certain.”
he picked an apple and took a bite, chewing and swallowing. “I’m sorry if hearing the same righteous speeches for my entire existence have made me sound a bit blasé. Of course I still believe in it – I am an angel of the Lord. My purpose is to serve.”
“Are you happy?”
“Of course I am – I am living my purpose.”
“and that makes you happy?”
He turned back to Joshua with a frown. “What is with all of the questions?”
He smiled a little, turning away to prune a bush. “How is Castiel?”
he stiffened. “Cassie is fine.”
“Has no doubts, no questions as to his purpose…”
“Castiel is an upstanding commander.” he snapped, half reaching for his sword and stopping himself before it mannifested. “He would never doubt the cause.”
“But you are.”
He stilled and tried to smile. “I am loyal – I am an angel…”
“Have you thought about what you are looking for when you come here?”
He grit his teeth, turning away.
“Think about it, Balthazar. You can find it, if you know what you are looking for.”
He ignored him, walking quickly out of the garden and back into the main halls of Heaven. He walked as fast as he could without running, turning down halls at random to put as much space between him and the gardener as possible. He ran away from the conversation, telling himself he was not Lucifer – he was not rebellious.
“Balthazar.”
He startled, spinning to face the voice, and relaxing when he saw Castiel.
“You missed Michael’s announcement, Balthazar.”
He smiled at his brother. “I am sure you will tell me everything important from it.”
“You should be at the announcements. They are clearly made known to every angel – even you.”
He shrugged, crossing his arms and ignoring the unspoken fact that he had been withdrawing from socialising with his fellow angels. “does that mean you won’t update me on what went on in this all-important meeting?” he asked with a smile.
Castiel looked at him disapprovingly for a moment more before sighing. “The demons have managed to ensnare the soul of a righteous man in a deal for his soul, sending him to hell. Michael has chosen a commander and a team to retrieve the soul before he can spill blood and break the first seal on Lucifer’s cage.”
Balthazar’s eyebrows raised as he listened. “A...mission. Into hell.”
“Yes.”
“I...how many are they sending?”
“A platoon. This is a covert mission – we are not to antagonise the denizens of hell any more than we must.”
“We must not – really? We are being sent into the depths of hell with less than fifty angels? Are – is Michael coming with us? Raphael – the archangels? Because I can’t imagine a mission into the depths of hell is going to be covert, much less a success.” he said sharply.
Castiel frowned. “I have been chosen as a commander. The Archangel Michael has great faith in me, and in the people I will choose.”
“Will – will choose? Michael didn’t assign anyone?”
“This is my responsibility.”
Balthazar closed his eyes and took a deep breath, stifling the urge to take his brother by the shoulders and shake him. “Cassie. I...you have to see this is a terrible idea. Hell isn’t...it’s not the regular demons we find on earth. There are...there are strong demons in Hell. Princes, Knights, who knows what else – we need more than just a platoon of run of the mill angels.”
He stiffened. “These are our brothers and sisters in arms – they are not lesser beings. Working together, we will succeed. Balthazar, you must believe in yourself.” he said earnestly, putting a hand on Balthazar’s shoulder. “With your family, you are stronger than by yourself.”
“It’s...it’s not a matter of skill or – or talent. It’s just a matter of practical power – Cassie…” He sighed.
“Michael has given us an order.” he dropped his arm to his side. “Balthazar. Will you come with me on this mission?”
“...me?”
“yes, Balthazar. I can think of no one else I trust more than you.”
he ran a hand through his hair and nodded slowly. He reminded himself that they had been given their orders from on high – that they weren’t supposed to question this. If Michael had deemed it possible for them to do this maybe he was wrong – what did he know anyway? He was barely a seraphim – he had no right to question or criticise an archangel’s orders. “yes. Yes, of course, Cassie. You’ll always have little old me.” he said ruefully. “And what do I know – with you at the lead, perhaps we can hardly lose.”
“I am a soldier, the same as you.”
He sighed and patted Castiel on the shoulder. “yes. You are. Such a remarkable one. Do you have a plan for infiltrating Hell, or are we just going to...hope and pray.”
“who would we pray to?”
Balthazar closed his eyes and prayed generally for patience. “...nevermind.” he thought back to the garden, to the peace he always seemed to find there. He wondered if it was possible to find it somewhere else – if maybe letting Lucifer out of the cage and starting the final battle would spread that peace outside of heaven.
“...do you ever think about just sitting down somewhere and just...existing? Just letting time pass you by without thinking about it or filling it or...anything?”
“what do you mean?”
“I…” he didn’t know what he meant. He didn’t know what Joshua meant. All he knew was that he was yearning for something that got farther and farther away every day.
He smiled at Castiel and shrugged. “Too much time alone, I think.”
Castiel nodded seriously. “It is not good for you, Balthazar.”
“It really isn’t. Perhaps I should have better attendance.” he said, starting to walk back towards the barracks, feeling Castiel fall into step beside him.
“You should. You should have a better record.”
“do you have any complaints with my service, Cassie?”
“No, I...you are one of my best soldiers.” he admitted.
“Then I will let that record speak for itself, yes?”
Balthazar held Castiel’s hand tightly, pulling him up and down the halls of heaven, weaving around the legs of older angels as he tried to remember the way to the throne room.
“Where are you two off to?” Anna asked kindly, crouching down in front of the fledgelings.
Balthazar tripped in his haste to not run into her, and Castiel steadied him. He grinned at her. “We’re playing with Gabe.”
“You are? I thought…”
“He does not know he is playing.” Castiel corrected.
She looked surprised and Balthazar sighed. “No, he doesn’t – but he won’t mind, really!”
“...and what are you planning?”
He shrugged. “Something fun for sure.”
“You should always have a backup plan, child. You never know when it might be your salvation.”
“It’s...it’s just a game.”
She smiled a little and smoothed his hair off his forehead. “of course it is.” She stood up again. “Try to stay out of trouble while you have fun, yes?”
Both fledgelings nodded quickly.
“good boys.” she said before striding off.
“...Balthazar. You should have a plan.” Castiel said seriously, still holding his hand.
“I do have a plan. Follow Gabriel.”
“Why are we following him?”
“Because it’s fun?”
“And what will we do when we find him?”
“We will...uh…”
Castiel waited.
“Maybe he will take us down to Earth again?”
He tilted his head. “He has gone down to earth? With the humans?”
He nodded quickly. “All the time. Sometimes he sneaks me out with him. Yeah. We’ll get him to do that.”
“Can we not just...ask him outright?”
He grinned and started pulling Castiel along again. “Where’s the fun in that?”
He sat on the beach, watching the moonlight reflect off the waves as they crashed and rolled in towards the shore. He could taste salt on his lips and feel the seawater soaking into his skin as he sat there with his legs stretched out in front of him and his arms braced against the sand behind him. He let his head slowly fall back, closing his eyes and turning his face towards the stars in the sky.
He had fought the Leviathans, he had banished hordes of demons, he had fought Alpha monsters on solitary missions. He had guided and misguided humans, and he had served heaven faithfully his entire life. He had been in doomed missions before. He had seen how faith and determination had scraped a win out for the side of heaven, and he had seen how that same unwavering loyalty led to the ashes of the faithful spread across the ground as he beat a desperate retreat. He had seen both sides to the war against evil, but never had it felt so...wrong.
It was a covert mission to save the righteous soul before the first seal could be broken. It was a frontal assault trusting in the might of heaven’s finest to carve a way through Hell.
Except they weren’t heaven’s finest, were they. If they wanted to inspire terror and despair into the enemy, shouldn’t Michael be leading this charge? If they wanted a frontal assault, shouldn’t the platoon be made up of archangels and the oldest seraphim as they rained down destruction on hell? Surely Michael alone could clear a path through Hell. Or if it was covert, shouldn’t they try to find another way in? A back door or a spell or...something that wasn’t knocking on the front gates?
It felt wrong. It felt horribly wrong and he didn’t know why.
Maybe he was just rebellious – tainted. Maybe he was just a poor excuse for an angel. Maybe there was nothing wrong and he was flinching at illusions. Maybe he was overthinking this and the might of Heaven really was just that awe inspiring and they would have no problem cutting their way through the demons.
Or maybe his instincts were right and were trying to warn him.
He pulled his knees to his chest in a sharp movement and wrapped his arms around them.
This was why he wasn’t a leader in Heaven – this was why he didn’t have his own garrison. He didn’t have the same certainty and faith in the plan that Castiel and others like him did. He was broken – corrupted. He was something lesser – he should turn himself in for reassignment, for reeducation. He should tell Castiel to replace him and find a better angel to go on this righteous mission.
He caught something moving out of the corner of his eye and raised his head, seeing a man in a black overcoat walking slowly down the beach.
He swallowed and flew back to heaven, cleaning his vessel of the sand and salt with a thought as he landed.
“...Balthazar?”
He looked at Naomi who was frowning at him.
“you really shouldn’t make that face – it might freeze that way.”
“Where were you?”
“I was practicing my offense – I had a few holes in my movements.” he said with a smile.
She narrowed her eyes.
“Did you need me for something?”
“No. I heard you missed training.”
“ah well. There is always next time.”
“You miss too many as it is, Balthazar – I really think-”
He cut her off. “If you don’t mind, I need to get back to my commander.”
“ah yes. Castiel.”
He nodded and started walking away.
“Be careful.” she called after him.
He changed his path and started heading for the armoury.
He couldn’t leave Castiel’s side, but he could certainly prepare a backup plan just in case Cas’ faith fell through. No one could fault him for that, surely?
“You’ve made it very clear what you think of us.”
Balthazar stopped at the door of the throne room, at the sound of Lucifer’s venomous words. He crouched down, pressing his ear to the door to listen without thinking about it.
“Son. You will always be my child – all of the angels will be. But humans…”
“ah yes. Those hairless apes that you dare think are better than us. Those mortal, muddy-”
“Lucifer.” Michael snapped. “watch yourself.”
“they are your younger brothers and sisters, son.”
There was silence for a moment and then Lucifer spoke again: “they are not our family. The fledgelings are my brothers and sisters – not these...things you have made. Mortal, weak.”
“You will love them. You will serve them.” the father’s tone was stern.
“Will I?” Lucifer asked softly.
Someone moved and Lucifer laughed. “ah yes. Go for it, Michael – just try. You can be Father’s attack dog all you want but that doesn’t make you my keeper.”
“Father has given us an order – you will obey it.”
“No. No I will not.”
“Hey.” Gabriel spoke up, nervous. “hey uh...maybe we should take a break? Think about-”
“You will not?” the father asked.
“I will not.”
Balthazar’s heart was in his throat and he could feel Castiel trying to pull him away from the door but he couldn’t move.
“so be it.” Father seemed angry. “then you will be cast out – cast out from all of your family, not just the ones you choose to abandon. You will be alone, imprisoned as a lesson for anyone that would ever doubt the righteousness of this cause.”
There were noises on the other side of the door, sounds of a struggle.
“Father. You…”
“Shut it, Gabe.” Lucifer’s voice was strained. “he doesn’t care about us anymore. He has his new favourites-” he broke off and there was the sound of impact.
“Balthazar!” Castiel hissed. “let...let’s go. You..we shouldn’t be here, please.”
He let himself be dragged up, and pulled away from the door; and he tried to feel something other than scared.
Balthazar paced back and forth in front of the opening to Hell, practicing blocks and parries with his sword as he tried to formulate a plan. There was a platoon of angels milling around him in many new and a few old vessels – all focused on their mission: retrieving the righteous soul.
He caught a glimpse of Castiel on the sidelines and moved away from his pacing, sliding away his sword. “Tell me you’ve come up with a brilliant plan in the interim, Cassie.”
Castiel stared at him for a moment. “Our plan is simple. It does not need brilliance.”
“No – but it needs more than a frontal assault.” he retorted. “That’s not a plan. That is suicide.”
“I have chosen the most loyal of our brothers and sisters.”
He took a deep breath. “Loyalty isn’t the problem here – it’s numbers. And strength. We aren’t even entering through a secret way – we are literally charging the front gates. Tell me you see the stupidity,” he pleaded.
“Balthazar. Have some faith in your family – in yourself. We will succeed.”
“and how many of us are going to die to do it, Cassie? How many of us aren’t going to come back?”
“I would lay down my life for any of you.”
Balthazar stifled a scream of frustration. “Cas – we’re missing something here. There..”
“Of course we are.”
He stopped, confused by the easy agreement. “You...agree?”
“Of course. There is a bigger picture that we are not priviliged to see – we must trust that our part in it is for the greater good.”
Balthazar stared at him.
“Michael chose me for this mission, and I have chosen all of you. We will suceed.”
“...and if we don’t?”
“We will. The powers of evil will never suceed.”
He closed his eyes and gave up, nodding. “Alright. I’m with you.”
He watched him for a moment more before nodding and walking away.
Balthazar stood there in silence, listening to the rest of the platoon move calmly around him. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He wondered if every angel felt this way inside – felt lost and alone and just hid it well.
He thought it would be ironic if that were true.