Chapter Text
"Thank you," Xander said, making sure to tip the person who had just installed the Betamax VCR for him.
"Happy to help," the man replied, "remember, if you need anything, just ask the front desk and they'll be able to get it for you."
Xander nodded. "I'll remember that."
He pulled out his phone as the man closed the door behind himself. "Hello Diana? I'm in Vegas, have gotten some sleep and a Dread Pirate Roberts' mask. Did you get the tickets?"
There was a flash of light and Diana said, "I have two of them on me."
Xander grinned and put away his phone. "They comped me a room after I tried roulette and lost every single time, even when I bet on red and black at once, so you may have a point about me being cursed."
"I'm not remotely surprised," she said. "We can have Zatanna check after the show."
"It was probably the Mayor," Xander said, "he was responsible for just about everything bad in my life."
"And a lot of others," Diana said. "You may want to have your friends checked as well."
"Dr. Fate probably already took care of that, but I'll drop a bug in their ear," he said and pulled the mask on. "How do I look? Dashing?"
Diana grinned. "You look very dashing and even a bit handsome. Provided you don't go all broody avenger of course."
"Of course," Xander agreed with a smile, "brooding doesn't suit me at all."
"The show starts in an hour, so how about dinner while we wait?"
"Room service or steak?" Xander asked. "I could go for some steak."
"Steaks it is," she said. "Zatanna has nothing but good things to say about the food here."
"Did I accidentally pick the casino she's headlining at?"
"Apparently," Diana said. "Looks like your luck isn't all bad."
"I've been very lucky lately," Xander said and waggled his eyebrows under the mask. "Maybe I'll get lucky again later, but for now dinner and a show."
Backstage after the show
"Knock knock," Diana said in the open doorway where Zatanna could be seen repacking the various tricks she'd used.
"Diana and…" Zatanna trailed off.
"Forget me already?" Xander asked.
"Xander? Oh, you are who she was talking about," Zatanna said. "You look different with a mask on."
"Ducking the paparazzi," Xander said. "Apparently I can't just stake them like I do vampires."
"Well you could, it's just not legal," Zatanna told him.
"Sadly," Diana agreed.
"Oh well, as long as no one gets upset about me staking vamps I'm happy," Xander decided.
"Yeah I remember," Zatanna said with a chuckle.
"Remember?" Diana asked.
"Giles, the mystic researcher from Sunnydale, called me to ensure a vampire who had his soul restored wouldn't lose it, as apparently he's been saving lives," Zatanna explained. "Xander is apparently a friend of his and once I'd fixed the problem we all went out for ice cream and a movie."
"Ice cream was good, the movie was a good one to make fun of," Xander added.
"While heading to the ice cream parlor a guy in a black leather jacket turned to ash as we passed him," Zatanna explained. "I didn't even see Xander stake him and wouldn't have realized he had if Cordelia hadn't dope slapped Xander for getting ashes on her blouse."
"A completely baseless accusation that Cordelia could not in any way prove, because she didn't see me stake him either," Xander said, "however I got her extra sprinkles and was forgiven."
*ring*ring*
"And speak of the devil," Xander said as he looked at his phone. "Hey Cordy."
"Don't you 'Hey Cordy' me!" came an annoyed voice, loud enough to be heard easily by everyone in the room.
"You seem a bit annoyed," Xander noted, a smirk on his face.
"A bit annoyed?! I spent hours trying to think up how to apologize to your dumb ass and when I sobered up and got over my hangover you weren't here!"
"Well, I am on vacation," Xander pointed out.
"Like that matters," she growled out. "We both saw that the thing between you and Willow was unnatural and I was a complete and utter bitch to you afterwards! This is something I need to apologize for in person, you worthless man baby!"
"I don't know, that sounds kind of awkward," Xander said. "I mean, a whip cream bikini would work, but it's so messy."
"You wish! But seriously, I was out of line, way out of line with some of the things I said and did," she admitted.
Xander winced at the pain in her voice. "And did you even consider that maybe your emotions were screwed with too?" he asked, scrambling for an excuse that would make her feel better.
"I… don't know," she admitted. "I was really hurt, it might have been all me."
"And it might have been something subtle, like altering the line on what you consider appropriate payback," Xander suggested. "I mean, looking back you feel bad about it and I know you feel bad about very few of the things you've done because you always made sure to not do things you'd feel bad about in the first place."
"That… huh," Cordelia said thoughtfully.
"The Mayor needed us distracted and fighting among ourselves, but he wasn't stupid. If it had all blown over in a week he'd have wasted a lot of magic on nothing."
"Okay, I feel a little better," Cordelia said.
"If you still feel bad and absolutely must make it up to me…" Xander trailed off, biting his lip to keep from laughing.
"Yeah?" she asked cautiously, sensing a trap.
"I can get the whip cream," he said and burst out laughing.
"Heh, see if I ever apologize to you again you jerk!" Cordelia exclaimed and hung up.
"And back to normal," Xander said with a grin.
"You have a way with women," Zatanna said before laughing herself.
"Which might also explain why so many try to kill you," Diana added, eyes sparkling with mirth.
"It's just my natural charm," Xander said with a grin, "and speaking of which, can you check to make sure I don't have any unnatural charms on me, cause I am apparently cursed when it comes to gambling. It was so bad the hotel banned me because all the other players realized betting the opposite of me was a sure thing."
"Sure, I'll take a look," Zatanna said. "leaver cigam," she intoned. "No spells I can see, so it's probably not magic."
Xander nodded. "Thanks for that. Maybe I offended a god or goddess of luck or gambling. With me there's no telling."
"Well my show's over and I get to relax, any plans?" Zatanna asked. "Ice cream and a movie maybe?"
"Ice cream and checking the tapes Drusilla sent me, which if they're the same as the VHS she sent Angel are just me getting tortured in high def," Xander said.
"You are way too casual about that," Zatanna told him.
Xander shrugged. "It's me getting punched and kicked a lot; which while embarrassing is in no way traumatizing. Spike was pretty hammered and I was doing my best to piss him off so he was not remotely at his best."
"Oh, that does make it a bit more understandable," she said. "If you've already seen it, why do you want to watch it again in high def?"
"Because a seer sent me the tapes on Betamax knowing I didn't have access to a player until now so there was probably a reason," he explained.
"She also sent a pair of her panties," Diana teased him.
"Which does make me curious," Xander readily admitted.
"Would I be too much of a third wheel if I invited myself along?" Zatanna asked.
"The more the merrier," Diana said.
"Hopefully Drusilla hasn't added anything horrifying, more horrifying than Spike mooning the camera anyway."
After the first tape
"You were both definitely ensorcelled," Zatanna said, before taking another bite of ice cream.
"At least you were friends and not strangers," Diana told Xander.
"I hadn't thought of it that way, but that is a good point," Xander said, grabbing a slice of pizza.
"Could he have become a revenant?" Diana asked Zatanna.
"I wouldn't bet against it," she replied.
"Just takes willpower," Xander said.
"The way you tore into those vampires reminds me of the tales of Norse berserkers," Zatanna told him. "You touched on something primal."
Xander nodded through a mouthful of cheese.
"And that was the palest ass I have ever seen," Diana said. "Of course as it was a vampire I doubt he could get some sun, but still."
"Reminds me of John's," Zatanna said. "I wonder if they're related."
"It's the only part of the tape I actually consider torture," Xander said. He grinned. "I'm going to send him some tanning cream."
The two women laughed.
"Okay now for our second tape," he said as he got up and switched tapes.
"She's quite beautiful," Diana noted as the video showed Dru standing in a bedroom, she turned and blew a kiss directly at Diana.
"I think she heard you," Zatanna said, setting down her ice cream.
Drusilla winked and tapped her nose.
"Right on the nose," Xander said as classical music began to play and Drusilla began dancing.
"I've seen professional ballet dancers with not half her grace," Diana noted. "It's almost hypnotic."
"And there goes a layer," Xander noted as Drusilla tossed aside the jacket she wore over her gothic lolita dress.
"She's stripping to Beethoven," Zatanna said in disbelief.
"Skillfully," Diana added.
"She carries off the pale look much better than he does," Xander said.
"You're not exactly a fair and unbiased observer," Zatanna told him.
"I don't know," Diana said, "her ass is much more attractive."
"Fair," the mage conceded. "Is that a wooden stake?"
"I think she's sanded it down," Xander said absently.
"It still has some penetrative power, but it's not going to reach her heart from there," Diana said.
"Yeah…" Xander and Zatanna chorused.
The Next Day
*ring*ring*
Xander fumbled for his phone. "Hello?"
"Zatanna?" a male voice asked.
"It's for me," Zatanna said, taking the phone from his hands. "Hello?"
"Hey Luv, got a minute?"
"John?" she asked and yawned. "I'm up. What do you need?"
"Need help hunting down some cultists," he replied.
"Yeah give me ten minutes," she said, "I need coffee."
"I've already ordered a pot," Diana said.
"Okay, give me five," she said, "bye."
Watchtower
"Zatanna and Wonder Woman?" John said in disbelief. "Lucky bastard."
RUGoing2writethat Omake
The comment about not taunting Murphy and Xander's luck at gambling being so bad got me to thinking. I have a theory I came up with before reading this that Murphy is God's cat so the way to appease Murphy is to, burn catnip, and offer a can of tuna and a squeaky mouse toy. Well, here goes:
Xander was in the Hotel's 'Private Activity Room' which was a room anyone could rent for activities that were out of the norm because the hotel did not want their rooms damaged. Having to fix 6 or 7 private activity rooms was less expensive than having 6 or 7 rental rooms down for several days for repairs.
So, Xander was about to begin the ritual that he'd found and Lucifer told him to try, when Diana called and asked to beam in. He said sure and she beamed in and looked at a hand-made wooden table with images of Garfield the cat carved into it, a Garfield tablecloth adorning it, and on the table was an ashtray of some sort of herb, a rubber mouse and a can of tuna.
"Xander...what...is...all...this?" asked Diana, slowly.
"Well, I was helping this homeless man get to a hospital because he'd cut his arm and was bleeding real bad. He kept rambling about his luck being bad because he'd taunted Murphy and how Murphy is God's cat, so he was going to perform the ritual to appease Murphy, that he described. Basically, I burn some catnip, and offer him a mouse toy and a can of tuna. If he accepts them, then he'll stop screwing with my luck."
Diana nodded.
"After I paid for them to fix him up, they wanted to keep him for observation but somehow he disappeared from the exam room. The odd thing is the camera they had in the room just blinked to static for 15 seconds and then blinked back and he was gone. Another odd thing is, the room was locked, from the outside, with no windows. No one has any clue how he left."
Diana pulls up a chair and says, "This I have got to watch."
"I also asked Lucifer about it and both he and Maze couldn't stop laughing for some reason and told me to try it but to make sure I got the best top of the line tuna, cat toy, and catnip I could, so I paid $500 for this stuff."
Diana nodded and signaled for him to proceed.
"Murphy, sweet and furry divine kitty, please accept this offering!" Xander lights the catnip, and opens the tuna.
As the smoke from the catnip rises in the air, all of a sudden, it flares up big, both Diana and Xander have to shield their eyes, and when they can see again, the catnip, tuna and mouse are all gone, with a few golden cat hairs left behind.
Xander reaches over and feels a paw swipe at him. "I guess I need to leave them alone. Do I just go and leave this here?"
Another flash of light and the table and tablecloth disappear. A note appears. Xander reads it aloud:
"Dear Xander, thank you for the table. Murphy is enjoying his new napping surface and his new toy. He is much appeased, so you should have better luck for a while. I'm an angel so this doesn't count, even if you read it out loud.
Also thank you for helping my friend earlier today; Jederick is quite clumsy sometimes but he's got a really good nature, despite his tendency to ramble a bit.
Just be very careful in the future.
Sincerely Jethro
Guardian Angel 1st Class
Eagle Host Division"
After he finished reading the letter, he thought about framing it, it turned into golden motes of light and blew away in a non-existent wind.
Diana just shook her head amused. "I guess that explains how the homeless man disappeared."
Xander nodded his head and looked thoughtful, "I wonder if he was an angel or if the angels helped him escape? Anyway, I can't wait to tell Lucifer and Maze about this. I wonder what had them laughing so hard."