Archive of Our Own ^beta

The portal bloomed to life, but noone advanced. There was something strange about it–a little green and muted, it looked like some kind of plant was crawling from it or through it.

"The fuck is that?" demanded Ist.

"It's a portal," answered Calamus, voice drier than the desert they came from, "Isn't it obvious?"

"Yeah, I know it's a portal," Ist drawled in response, "What I'm asking is why the fuck it looks like that!"

Calamus didn't shrug, but they gave the strong impression of shrugging, "Why should I know?"

"Well, I wasn't asking you, now was I?"

Mindy chose then to interject, "It was a very ambiguous question, Ist. You could have been asking anybody, or just talking to yourself…"

Ist heaved a sigh, pointedly not rolling their eyes before replying, "You're right, Mindy. It was an ambiguous question. My point is can everybody see the weird fucked-up portal that just opened up in front of us?"

"Something is very wrong with that portal," H2 pointed out. Ist pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Yes, H2, that was my point."

"There's a portal?" asked Calamus. The sarcastic question was quickly followed by, "Mindy, what are you doing?"

Mindy, who had begun to edge up to the portal in curious interest, hastily clasped her hands to her chest as though she hadn't been about to reach out to touch the portal. It was, considering her positioning (far too close to the portal) and personality (far too prone to touching weird magic things), an incredibly poor performance.

"Nothing?" asked Mindy, while everyone turned their attention to her.

"Do you want to lose a hand?" asked Ist. "This is how you lose a hand."

"It's a portal," Mindy objected, "I probably wouldn't lose a hand!"

"It seems like a good way to lose a hand," H2 piped up, agreeing with Ist.

"I wasn't going to stick my hand in!" Mindy replied, stomping a dainty foot in frustration, "I just wanted to see if I could sort out what was going on with it!"

"By sticking your hand in?" asked Calamus.

Mindy opened her mouth to respond, her expression already a loud complaint in and of itself. For better or worse, this happened at the same time that a multitude of vines shot out from the portal. Several wrapped about Mindy's waist, choking her offended complaining into a frightened shriek.

Ist made a sound of effort, which coincided with a number of the vines scrunching as though they'd been crushed by an invisible hand. While they did that, H2 grabbed Mindy's arm and braced her feet, clearly intent on yanking Mindy from the vines' grasp. Unfortunately, in spite of Ist's efforts, more were flooding out. Additionally, H2 failed to account for the ferocity of the vines and the relative fragility of Mindy's body, resulting in a pained cry from poor Mindy. In spite of that, Mindy grabbed at H2 with both hands, pulling with all her meager strength in an attempt to aid H2's efforts and also avoid being torn apart or dragged through the portal.

"Digby, attack!" Calamus commanded. With a snort, Calamus's companion badger leapt into action, snarling and thrashing at the vines in a terrifying show of ferocity and skill. The flood of vines continued, further entangling Mindy and snatching up Digby as well. H2, already struggling to keep Mindy from capture, ineffectually flailed out a hand for Digby. Her efforts weren't helped by vines irregularly shifting as Ist's psychic spells damaged and moved them. Digby wasn't a small target, but neither was he large enough to be unmoved by Ist's efforts.

Digby squealed in frustration at his new plight, snarling and trying to fight with decreasing effectiveness. Calamus, meanwhile, put their efforts towards helping Ist stay free and trying to keep a path clear for H2 and Mindy. As his entanglement worsened, Digby wailed in new fear, catching his companion's attention.

"Digby!" wailed Calamus, throwing themself after him, weapon in hand to attack the vines. It probably shouldn't have been a surprise that they got grabbed by the vines as well.

"H2!" gasped Mindy, "Help me get free!"

H2 grunted in response, then took a step closer, wrapping one metal arm about Mindy's waist, free hand tearing at the vines to free Mindy up for what was bound to be a powerful and terrifying spell. She resolutely ignored the vines winding about her, trying to lift her from her feet, drag her into the portal.

Mindy kicked and screeched at the vines and, aided by H2, soon managed to get herself free enough to attempt a spell. It might even have worked, except for the fact that H2 was Mindy's entire support against the vines. H2 was a very heavy being, but enough vines could overtake most things, including her.

H2 got dragged off her feet, Mindy landing hard atop her with a pained yelp. Whatever spell Mindy had been planning fizzled in that moment. She was quickly reclaimed by the vines, along with H2.

Ist, who was reaching the end of her mental fortitude (which some might have called 'running out of spell slots'), shouted in frustration. The vines were so multitudinous that no amount of damage seemed enough to fight them back. And their friends were getting dragged off! She couldn't get to them! And with Calamus fighting to free Digby, there was noone to help Ist keep a clear route for H2 and Mindy. Which was, they had to admit, looking less and less like a priority.

With only a split second to make a decision, Ist quickly took a moment to assess what she saw, before diving into the vines so that she could grab Calamus's belt with one hand and a handful of Mindy's skirt with the other.

"Calamus!" Ist yelled, "Grab Digby!"

"I'm trying!"

"No, just hold onto him, so we all end up in the same place!"

"Ralph!" screamed Mindy, suddenly frantic for her tiny familiar now that the idea of being separated had been introduced. Her hat, pinned into her hair, partially dislodged itself, revealing the rodent in question, holding onto her hair with a ferocity matching the grips the rest of the party held on one another. She went limp with relief against H2, and all 6 beings got dragged through the portal.

There had been a time, perhaps long ago, when Kiki might have called her life something resembling normal.

Staring down into a vine-choked pit with a cactus person, a robot, a tiny gremlin-looking thing, and a ren faire attendee was not normal. It was so far from normal that it somehow wound all the way back around through normal to a second level of not normal.

"Well, you're not supposed to be down there," Archie uselessly pointed out.

"Is that a badger?" demanded Pat. Was that really the biggest concern here?

"Oh," said Archie, voice dismissive, "Like you've never tried to tame a badger."

"Badgers are mean?" Rio declared, in the sort of question that had started its life as a statement. Simultaneously, Cecily mumbled, "Well, I've never tried to tame a badger…"

Kiki rubbed at the bridge of her nose, "Noone's ever tried to tame a badger, Cecily."

"What did y'all do with your summers?" demanded Archie, immediately contradicting Kiki's words. What the fuck did he do with his summers as a kid?

"Digby's my friend?" complained the cactus person, cuddling the badger close. Who certainly seemed to be allowing it to happen.

The gremlin person planted a green fist on a little hip, the other hand pointing an imperious finger at them all, "Digby is his own badger! Anyway, who are you all and why did you drag us here?"

"Why would we drag you here?" asked Cecily, genuinely confused.

"I don't know!" said the gremlin, "But somebody certainly did!"

The gremlin was interrupted by the ren faire gal swishing around between the groups, "Sorry," she said, her voice placating and a little oily, "My friend here's not used to polite company."

"Oi!"

The gremlin was ignored in favor of introductions being conducted, "I'm Melinda Melrose, but everybody calls me Mindy. The badger's Digby, his person is Calamus, this is Ist behind me, and that's H2." She gestured at the robot, who so far, apparently hadn't had anything to say.

Mindy smiled widely, "And who are you lovely people?"

"Is Calamus supposed to be a cactus?" asked Archie. Mindy looked puzzled.

"Why wouldn't they be?"

Ist had a more offended reaction, planting fists on hips to frown at Archie, "Are you supposed to be human?"

"Yes," said Archie, a suppressed grin in his voice.

"Archie," Kiki warned, at the same time Cecily quietly said, "You don't have to raise your hand, Rio."

"No, I know," responded Rio, "I just wanna know if I'm the only one not seeing a cactus?"

"Why would there be a cactus?" asked Pat. Kiki looked up to give her a puzzled frown.

"You don't see a cactus?"

Calamus apparently had enough of this and dryly pointed out, "As the cactus in question, I can ensure you that I do, in fact, exist."

"No, I can see you," Pat said, "You just–oh, is that a glamour?"

"What's a glamour?" asked Calamus, glancing between Pat, Ist, and Mindy.

"Probably a type of illusion," said Ist, sounding thoughtful. Ist's large eyes were focused on Pat, brows furrowed, a finger tapping her lips.

Kiki looked at Archie, who easily agreed, "Something like that. More like a disguise, I'd say? Usually for members of the fae?"

"We are not from the Feywilds," declared H2, her voice monotone, clear, and attention-grabbing.

Cecily yelped in surprise, "Oh! You speak!"

"Of course she speaks," said Ist, rather absently, "Why wouldn't she speak?"

"Well, she hadn't," Cecily mumbled, the slightest hint of a whiny complaint in her voice.

"And she does look like a robot," Archie added.

Ist's eyes moved to Archie, peering at him now. It was time for Kiki to intervene.

"Not that this isn't fascinating discussion, but should we be having it here?"

Calamus made a dismissive sound, "Well, it's not like the forest is going to attack us." Rio made an uncertain sound that caused all the newcomers' gazes to jump to his face.

"About that," he hedged.

"It's haunted here," Shade cheerfully added, from somewhere in the midst of the strangers. All of whom jumped. H2 pulled out a sword at the same time Calamus brandished a club of some kind, while Ist and Mindy did something with their hands and expressions that looked like the prelude to magic bullshit. Shade was currently invisible, but Kiki could imagine the disappointed slump that came with their next words.

"Ohh…I messed up again, didn't I?"

"No, you're fine," Cecily rushed to assure them, stepping forward a couple steps. To Kiki's relief, she remained well outside the weapons' range. "Please don't attack Shade, they're our friend."

"Would you like a stick?" offered Shade, "I can find a good one."

"No," decided Mindy, looking emphatically puzzled, "We don't need a stick, thank you?"

"Oh, but I'm sure I saw one not too far," Shade said, sounding distracted.

"Shade honey," said Cecily, "Can you come over here by me?"

"I don't have a stick yet."

"I know, you can find me a good one later, okay?"

That was enough for Shade, who cheerfully made their way over to Cecily's side while the new arrivals exchanged confused glances with one another. Ist was the first to relax, after Mindy, with Calamus and H2 following her lead by putting their weapons away.

And then Ist strolled past Mindy, staring hard at each of the humans in turn, starting with Cecily. Cecily stammered over an attempt at a greeting.

"Uhm, hi," Kiki jumped in, when Ist's gaze reached her, "I'm Kiki, that's Cecily, Rio, Archie, Pat."

"I'm Shade!" added Shade, from somewhere slightly too close to Cecily, if the way she twitched was any indication.

"Nice to meet you," said Ist, staring hard at Kiki for a long moment before whipping her head around to look at Cecily and loudly declaring, "Show of hands!" Cecily uttered a little scream, then pinched her lips fiercely together. She looked angry and Ist looked a little smug.

"Who sees a cactus?!"

Kiki sighed and raised her hand, as did Archie, though he was a bit less sigh about it. Cecily, after a nervous moment, also tentatively raised her hand. Pat and Rio just looked confused. Shade made small excited noises, which could have meant just about anything. One of Ist's ears shifted, like a dog's, and then Ist revealed more insight than Kiki would have expected.

"Shade," said Ist, the gentleness in her voice as much of a surprise as the insight, "Are you raising your hand?"

"Yes!" answered Shade, obviously excited.

Ist's face softened just a little. "Shade, you know I can't see you, right?"

"Oh. No. I see a cactus!"

It was Pat's turn to look exasperated, rubbing her face with her hand. "Why is it always one problem solved, three problems made with you all?"

"Just lucky, I guess," replied Archie. He sounded so pleased with himself. If Kiki had a little less dignity, she'd consider turning him upside-down by his ankles and shaking him to see if she could make him stop being….like that.

It wouldn't work, but it'd be so satisfying.