Archive of Our Own ^beta

The moment he was saved from the empty, that should have been the greatest moment in Cas’s life. The man he loved, against all the odds, freeing him from his indefinite hell. As he did to him all those years ago from literal hell. When Dean grabbed him in that dark place, shaking his shoulders with tears in his eyes, he was expecting a loving reunion. At least one filled with some happiness. But after they got him out, all he received was a short sharp hug. No acknowledgement of those words he said to Dean before he was taken. No reciprocation.

Just a hug.

After that things got worse. It felt like he and Dean were passing ships in the night. Dean, always on his way to a hunt or some other endeavour and Cas just trying to adapt to his newly defined human status again. He needed his best friend there for him. But Dean couldn’t stand to look at him. To be in the same room as him. He tried to find a semblance of normality. Inviting Dean to watch a film; trying to help him out of hunt research; sitting with him during a meal and attempting small talk. But nothing worked, Dean had no interest in spending any time with Cas and it was starting to break his heart with every new day he was stuck in the bunker.

But he had nowhere to go. A job was out of the question as he currently had no credentials, and attaining a social security number was proving more difficult than anticipated. Without that he couldn’t earn any money to get a place of his own, away from Dean, which meant he was stuck.

As a result he was determined to set things right with Dean.

The problem was finding the time to talk to him alone. He waited for weeks, wanting to find an opening when Dean wasn’t busy. But it was impossible. The man always had something to do, or always had an excuse to get rid of Cas.

In the end he just decided to go for it. Joining Dean in the library when he was researching through his laptop again. Eyes trained on the words ahead of him. At first he didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge there was another person in the room. Cas moved closer, determined to get his friend to pay attention. To start a conversation. Just as he opened his mouth though, he was stopped in his tracks.

“Cas you’re in my way. Go do something else.” Dean grumbled when he looked up to find the former angel of the lord hovering over him. There seemed to be anger in his eyes as he spoke. One that suggested he hated him for being there, all because he dared confess his feelings for the man when he believed his life was ending.

Sighing, he took Deans advice. Not wanting to induce rage in the man even more with his presence. Trudging off into the room that they had set aside for him when they saved him. He threw himself to the bed, arm over his eyes, trying to fend off the tears that were forming under his lids. All he wanted was his best friend back, the man who could show him kindness when he was at his worse. Helping him adjust to his new life. But he felt he had ruined everything by being honest with his feelings. It was starting to have a detrimental impact on his mental health.

As he lay there, body shuddering with each breath, he couldn’t stop the large sob from escaping his lips. Once that happened, the floodgates opened. Tears streaming down his cheeks. The misery of his situation, the loneliness he felt, it was all too much.

He longed for the days he could no longer feel.

——-

“Hey, do you know what’s going on with Cas?” Sam’s soothing voice floated over Dean as he focused on the laptop ahead of him, eyes scanning the website he had found on vampire sightings. Instead of raising his head he opted to continue with his research.

“Nope.” There was a huff of annoyance from his younger brother at the simple one word answer. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Cas, in fact he probably cared a little too much, it was just the wound from the way he lost him was still too raw. How he declared his love and then just disappeared into that black goo. His mind was still plagued by those nightmares every single time he closed his eyes and every time he looked at Cas.

He was struggling to cope.

“Well maybe you should check; as he’s currently crying in his room.” That made him look up from the laptop. Cas crying? Why would he be crying? There was a concerned look in Sam’s eyes as Dean met them.

“Crying?” There was a questioning lilt to the word.

“Yes crying. And I think he would appreciate having his best friend to talk to. He’s been struggling since we got him back from the empty and you haven’t exactly been a welcoming person to be around.” That stung, but Sam was right. Dean knew he hadn’t been welcoming to Cas. Doing everything possible to push him out of his line of sight, not wanting to face those words of love in the open when there was no threat of death. Slowly he closed the lid of the laptop, closing his eyes and resting his head in his hands. Steeling himself for this conversation.

“I can’t Sammy. I want to talk to him, but I just can’t. Not after what happened.”

“Dean, I know you’re still traumatised from his death but you have to try and find a way to get past it. You can’t ignore him forever and he really needs you right now.” Dean snorted and shook his head. Maybe it was finally time to tell Sam the truth of what happened that night. He had kept it bottled up for so long, but until he released what Cas said to him he knew there was no way to fully heal.

Maybe afterwards he could finally face Cas. 

“That’s not…it’s not about that Sam.” Dean sighed softly, rubbing his eyes before he finally looked up to his brother. Hoping that the thin film of moisture threatening to spill was not too noticeable. “He told me he loved me.”

“He’s told us that he loves us before Dean. Why is this so different?” He had asked himself that question multiple times after the speech. Why did this love confession feel so different to all the others? It wasn’t the first time he had said it under threat of death, but the others seemed more…platonic in nature, something you may say to a family member, this came from the heart. The words Cas used to describe him, the way he stared at him in a way that suggested he was seeing the love of his life for the final time and those words….those words that he played through his mind every second of the day. How the one thing Cas wanted was the one thing he knew he couldn’t have.

That certainly wasn’t a platonic love confession.

“Dean?”

“He told me,” he paused a second, trying to steel himself before finally revealing what Cas said exactly to him, “he said, ‘because the one thing I want... it's something I know I can't have.’ That thing is me Sam, he didn’t think he could have me.”

“But how do you know that?”

“Oh come on Sammy, what else could he mean? He had a family, a son, people who loved him as their own. But what he didn’t have was romantic love. He didn’t have…he didn’t fully have me.” His body sagged at the words. For how many years had Cas been longing to be more to him? How long had he been oblivious to this man’s true feelings? Were they there when he threw him out of the bunker during the whole Gadreel incident? The knowledge that they may have been killed Dean. Even after doing something so cruel, putting him in such a vulnerable place, this man still loved him.

And he didn’t think he ever deserved that love.

“Okay, say this is all true and Cas declared he’s in love with you, what is your plan here Dean? Ignore him in the hope that the love dies? Or he decides he’s made a mistake?” There was a stony silence in response. Really, he didn’t have a plan, he just knew that facing Cas was too painful right now. Huffing in annoyance, Sam continued. “Come on Dean that’s not practical. You’re both miserable right now and it’s hard to watch.”

“I don’t know what to say to him though.”

“Maybe just tell him the truth. That you love him too.” If Dean was eating at that moment, he probably would have choked on his food. He loved…Cas? He loved him as if he was a member of his own family. But the inflection in Sam’s voice suggested that wasn’t what he meant. That he meant…he loved Cas.

As in, romantically.

“I…but I….I don’t…”

“I would have to be blind not to see your feelings for him. I’ve seen you grieve, and lose all will to live, when he is no longer with us. Because every time he’s gone, a part of you dies also Dean. You two complete each other, and it’s time you got your head out of your ass and realised this.” Sam wasn’t wrong, Dean knew this in the deep subconscious of his mind. Everytime he lost Cas it felt like a piece of him died with the man. He put it down to Cas’s stupid profound bond. Unconsciously making him grieve for the man when he didn’t want to.

Maybe it was something more conscious.

“How long have you known?”

“I suspected as far back as when you came back from Purgatory and were seeing him everywhere. But for certain? When he first came back from the empty and your life returned with him. It was at that moment I just knew, you were in love with him.” If Sam could see something more than maybe it was true. It would make sense why his heart would beat a little faster whenever Cas was in his presence; why he longed for him to stand too close and be in his personal space; why he couldn’t stop looking deep into those hauntingly beautiful blue eyes, because he was deeply in love.

And it was with an angel in a male vessel.

“Just say for a minute you’re right. That I am…in love with Cas. What if I can’t be the man he wants?” There was a confused look in Sam’s eyes, wondering what his brother was exactly getting at. “What if I can’t…provide for him, you know,” again Dean stopped. Closing his eyes and swallowing. This wasn’t a subject he wanted to broach with his younger brother, but maybe he needed to verbalise it to move forward with Cas, “what if I can’t…provide for him, sexually? I’ve never been with a man before and I’ve never had those…desires until I met Cas. So what if I don’t feel I can…do it with him because of his gender?” Sam’s eyes went wide at those words. Dean could only avert his gaze now. Feeling like an idiot that it was the first thing he could think of. But his whole life sex was a core part of his hook-ups, no matter how brief they were. If he confessed his love to Cas, he didn’t want to follow it up with an admission he didn’t feel he could be intimate with him.

That would likely destroy him more than the ignoring.

“Well uh…that is something you will have to discuss with Cas. Sexual intimacy isn’t essential for a relationship though.” A relationship? They were talking about a relationship?!? This was getting out of hand. All they were discussing was his confession of love to Cas. Now they’re talking about him being in a relationship with the former angel?

His brain must have short circuited for a minute. Because the next he knew was Sam by his side, patting him on the back as he breathed heavily and dark spots emerged in his eyes

“Okay okay. You’re alright Dean.” That voice sounded so far away, as if he was in the deepest point of the ocean and his brother was on land trying to allay his fears about being trapped. He didn’t feel okay. He felt like he was going to pass out any second. The breaths getting caught in his throat didn’t help. His lungs burned with effort as he tried to get air to them. “Shit, I’ll go get Cas.”

“No.” Dean managed to squeak out, barely audible due to the lack of air. When Sam looked down at him worried, he persisted in shaking his head. He didn’t want Cas to see him like this. And it wasn’t like the man could help now he no longer had his grace.

“Alright. Just breathe with me then. Slowly, in through the nose, out through the mouth.” He followed his brothers instructions instantly. Mirroring his breaths, trying to calm himself down. Why did Sam have to mention that word? He struggled with the idea of loving Cas, the fact he may want a relationship with him certainly wasn’t in his mind.

Well it was now, thanks to Sam.

Once his breathing had calmed, he shrugged his shoulders. Needing his brother off him. Sam complied, holding his hands up to show he wasn’t a threat or going to touch him again.

“Feeling better?” He asked. Dean nodded his head. He felt okay. Or as okay as he was going to feel. But his mind was scrambled with everything they had discussed. The realisation that he does love Cas, not love him. And that he wants to tell him the truth. But he knows he doesn’t want to have sex with a man, nor does he feel like a relationship will happen. But still, the fact he finally understood his own feelings was some kind of progress.

He thought so at least.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect you to have such a visceral reaction to the word relat…” he stopped when Dean pinned him a look, one that suggested if he continued he would have a black eye in no time. Swallowing, he decided to change tactic. “To the R word. I get it, you have learnt a lot about yourself today. Maybe it’s time to speak to Cas with that knowledge?”

“Maybe.” He wasn’t sure if he could. Even with their conversation, there was still something in his mind blocking him from telling Cas his true feelings for him.

And he couldn’t work out what it was.

“Look. You’re his best friend. I understand this is hard Dean, but at least…at least talk to him to see if he’s okay. And then whatever happens, happens.” He could do that. He could speak to Cas and make sure he was okay.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

———

He stood outside of Cas’s room, listening to the soft sniffles from the other side of the door. As he stayed there, hearing his heartbroken friend, he could only be angry at himself for causing so much pain since they saved him from the empty. Cas was hurting and he treated him like an inconvenience. His friend didn’t deserve that.

Sighing, he knocked on the door.

“Cas, buddy, it’s Dean. Could you open up for me please?” The room became dead silent when Cas had the realisation he was no longer alone. At first, Dean believed he would be left standing in the hallway, in the cold. That Cas didn’t went to answer the door for him. When there was some shuffling he felt a little hope. Less than a second later, it opened to Cas, and his heart almost shattered.

Those wonderful blue eyes were framed by red rings from his tears. His body was no longer covered in that suit and trench coat, instead opting for something a lot more comfortable in his own room. A long sleeved grey top and black lounge pants. Instead of giving him any greeting, Cas just went back to his bed. Jumping on, knees up and chin resting on the top. Staring blankly, as he did so, Dean could see even from his distance that there was a thin film of moisture on Cas’s eyes from how upset he was.

God he felt like an asshole right now.

As he walked into the room, shutting the door softly behind him, he tried to decide on where he should sit. The bed seemed a little too intimate, and it was possible Cas wouldn’t want him as close. Instead he opted for the chair by the desk. As he sat down, he noticed Cas sag even further into his knees. Clearly upset that Dean didn’t try and sit with him.

Damn, this wasn’t helping his asshole status.

“How you been buddy?” He tried to go for something non controversial.

It didn’t work.

“I’m fine Dean. That’s what I’m supposed to say though? I’m fine.” Those steely blue eyes stared at him with challenge. The way he used those words from all those years ago against him was equal parts frustrating and a little endearing for reasons he couldn’t explain. Instead of answering, he rested his elbow on the table and ran his hands through his hair. That tiny quizzical head tilt that his best friend pinned him made him shiver internally. It was only now he sat here, opposite him in the room, his real feelings came flooding like a wave.

He was in love with Cas.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. It’s just been…tough. Because of the….you know.”

“The fact I confessed my undying love to you? You have ignored me since you saved me from the empty. If you had no interest in supporting my transition because you felt uncomfortable with my feelings, then why not just leave me in my place of death.” That was more brutal than he anticipated. But Cas had a point, he was in a vulnerable place now. Back from the dead and without his power, trying to navigate his way being a human again. And Dean just left him, too wrapped up in his own trauma to pay attention to his best friends needs.

“I appreciate your angry Cas. But…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. Because Cas decided he needed to make his view clear.

“No you don’t. You can’t appreciate it. I am alone. All I have is you, Sam and Jack. And you can’t stand to look at me because I confessed my feelings for you before my death. If you hated me why bring me back?” There were frustrated tears in his eyes. Before he knew what was happening, Dean was moving towards the bed, wanting to be close to Cad. He slid in front of him, grabbing his cheeks so those blue eyes stared deep into his green. Wanting him to see the sincerity in them.

“I could never hate you Cas. Never. Not for being true to your feelings.” Thumbs were now busy wiping away the stream of tears that were falling down his cheeks. “I was an ass because I struggled to deal with my feelings in the situation. My feelings…for you.” Those stunning blues went wide as he heard those words. Even with all the trauma Cas had suffered throughout his life since meeting him, he was still the most beautiful man in existence. Dean could see it now, and he was an idiot for not seeing it before.

“You….you’re feelings for me?” He repeated. Unsure if he had heard the words properly. Dean nodded. Feeling a little more comfortable being up front and open about the fact he did have feelings for Cas. 

“Yeah, yeah, my feelings for you. But I just worry that I can’t give you what you want. I can’t be the man you want.”

“How do you mean?”

“What I mean Cas is….I love you too. But I don’t think I can give you what you need of me.” There was a saddening in those ocean blues again. Almost as if he didn’t notice the love confession.

“I see. You see our love as platonic rather than romantic. I understand.” No, no that wasn’t what he wanted Cas to believe. When hands circled around his wrists to try and pry them away, Dean held firm. He needed Cas to remain looking at him now. It was important they had this contact.

“That’s not it Cas. My feelings for you are romantic. But….I don’t….” This was harder than he thought. He swallowed and closed his eyes, willing away the tear in his eyes. “I don’t think I can give you what you desire.” Those eyes stared at him in confusion. Unsure what Dean could be meaning. His naivety was adorable and made Deans heart stutter a little.

God he loved him.

“I can’t be the man you want. I can’t give you….I don’t think I can give you sex.” As he said it, he believed Cas was going to walk away from him. Realise he had made a huge mistake. Instead he raised his own hand towards Deans cheek. Gently caressing.

“Is that why you’ve been so distant? You believed that if you announced your true feelings I would want sex?” Even though it sounded crazy, Dean nodded his head. “Dean, I love you but I have no desire to copulate with you.” What? He didn’t? Why didn’t he? Dean knew he was a good looking guy, even now in his mid-40s and it was natural for two people in love to want that wasn’t it? Cas had showed sexual desire in the past, so why didn’t he now?

He was so confused.

“But….you did with April?” It was all he could think of, and the wince from his best friend made him instantly regret the words. Cas dropped his hand, at the same time Dean mirrored his movements. Feeling that he may have been touching his face for too long. Instead he rested his hand over Cas’s on the bed. Causing the former Angel of the lord to gasp at the intimate moment. Looking up with those haunting blue eyes that were now flush with tears again. Clearly the memory of his night with April was a traumatic subject for the man and he needed support through it.

“April is why I have no sexual desire Dean. It was an experience, having sex, but I felt…off afterwards. As if it wasn’t for me.” He stopped a moment. Running his hand through his hair. “I decided to try and experiment alone through masturbation. But felt this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. As if I felt…” he paused, unsure how to finish the sentence.

“Icky?”

“Unpleasant.” Cas countered with a warm smile. “I felt unpleasant. I just don’t believe the action is for me. And if you don’t wish to have me sexually, then I am okay with that.”

“Oh.” It was all he could say after that confession. It opened the door for a rela…for the r word that Sammy had mentioned earlier. He and Cas could conceivably be together. And there would be no pressure to have sex. Although, it did feel a shame they wouldn’t explore that element of their time together. Even though he wasn’t sure he wanted it now, there was nothing to say that those thoughts would be the same in the future. Cas decided to continue which bought him back out of his thoughts.

“Even with that in mind. I do feel like I can be involved in other aspects of physical intimacy.” Now it was Deans turn to be confused. Other aspects? What did he mean by that? Still he mused. “Such as hugging, and kissing.” Oh those elements. Well that didn’t seem so bad.

It was now that Dean had realised Cas was a little closer, his legs now curled up behind him. His hand now resting on his shoulder, before the arm slid around his neck. Pulling him in for an awkward hug. Dean relaxed into that body. Enjoying the warmth of his best friend in their first real hug since they sprung him from the empty. It’s what he had been missing. He shifted his body so they were a little closer, fully relaxing into the touch and resting his head on Cas’s shoulder.

They stayed like that for a little while, clinging onto each other. Grateful they had finally gotten over the awkwardness of Cas’s confession. It was the former angel who pulled away first, a tender smile on his lips as he considered his next move. It took only a second before Deans eyes flicked down to Cas’s lips, his friend mirroring that movement.

And that was all it took.

Dean pushed forward, placing a tentative kiss on Cas’s lips. Shocked at how soft they were when they looked so chapped. At first, the former angel didn’t respond, whether through nerves or shock Dean didn’t know. But soon he was sliding his own lips against Deans. Making contented little hums in the back of his throat. It was tender, it was everything Dean expected from touching those lips, and he craved it for the rest of his life.

They broke apart a little too quickly for Deans liking. A small whimper of frustration fell from his lips. Needing that touch again, but he didn’t push forward, wanting Cas to dictate the pace. Knowing that he may not feel comfortable kissing again. Instead Dean reached up, cupping his best friends face and caressing softly as he stared into his eyes with the most love he could muster.

“I love you.” It was honest, sincere, and no longer a hidden within other words. The response was a brilliant smile from Cas, before he leant forward. Their lips so close they were almost touching again.

“I love you to Dean. I have always loved you.” For a moment his heart stilled, expecting a repeat of what happened; for Cas to be yoinked back to the empty. But there was nothing. Just a smiling Cas with tears of happiness in his eyes.

Dean moved forward and nuzzled their noses together before Cas moved and took his lips again. This time there was a tiny bit more hunger. More need in their kisses. Cas was now looping his arms around Deans shoulders, holding him as firm as possible, refusing to let him go, and Dean didn’t care. Because this was exactly where he needed to be, who he needed to be with. Cas was the man he loved and nothing would ever change that fact.

“Never leave me again.” Dean whispered when they pulled back a second time. Trying to hide the vulnerability in his voice, not wanting Cas to know how much his death had impacted him, needing to start this new chapter in their lives in a positive light.

He knew he couldn’t hide anything from Cas though.

“Jack himself will never take me away from you Dean Winchester. I will be with you for the rest of eternity if you’ll have me.” He expected another panic attack at those words, committing himself to Cas after getting so freaked out at Sam saying a relationship. But there was nothing. No panic attack, no freak out. Just a warmth through his body. A true peace.

“I’ll have you Castiel, for the rest of eternity.”

And they were true to their word. In Earth and in Heaven.