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This relationship... was a problem.
"Make sure no one sees you leave," Samuel said. He took a drag from his cigarette and then casually flicked it somewhere random.
Jake was there, the great Jake Kim, right there with a flushed face, his breath unsteady. His heart? It tightened a bit from the discomfort.
It was just that, but in reality, he shouldn't even worry about it. Like, it's Jake Kim. Samuel Seo is just another pastime he'd discard later because he has a goal, and he's clear about it.
Despite that, sometimes it hurts a bit more than expected.
No matter how many times he tells himself this is nothing, his lips bear the memory, his lips remember Samuel's perfectly. And it tortures him every night.
He pulled his hood up and kept his eyes down as he walked away. If the guys ask where he's been? He needed some fresh air. He didn't care if they didn't believe him; Jerry never believed him anyway. The scent of cigarette that he exuded and his flushed face conveyed many different things.
But he couldn't help it.
"Impressive, leader," Samuel teased; they were so close.
"Shut up, Sammy."
Jake wanted to get a little closer, but... How much of his dignity would disappear with that simple action? At least, he wasn't the only one desiring it. Samuel grabbed his jaw in that rough and coarse way that could only be his, and he kissed him.
It wasn't a soft kiss, it was rough, brusque, and it made him dizzy. Like every one of Samuel's kisses, they weren't soft, they weren't love, they held no feelings, just lust. It was all just lust, and that was okay.
But what was funny were the rumors.
He heard it here and there, "The boss has a girlfriend~"
Why do they say that? Because of his outings? Because he's not always with them?
Jake Kim would take the road less traveled to escape from the Big Deal. And as he walked, he wondered... What is he doing? At this point, he didn't know either. But the important thing was that he could stop it at any moment.
He wasn't a hormone-driven teenager who got carried away by romance stories; this was a rivalry. He just needed to shake off that weight, make it flow a bit more. The more they saw each other, the more likely they'd get bored quickly.
Maybe Jake isn't like that at all, but Samuel is.
At any moment, Samuel would get bored with this whole show, stop kissing and caressing him carefully in foreplay, and stop playfully blowing cigarette smoke in his face.
Right?
But as the arms wrapped around him and held him close, Jake secretly hoped to be wrong.
The dominant way he was being embraced, Jake Kim had never slept so well in his life. It was comfortable, needing someone and being imprinted on someone else, without fear; it was comfortable. Although an act of pure trust, Samuel still wasn't someone Jake could fully trust.
But it was good to set aside his worries and let Samuel take them in his embrace and chase them away in his sleep.
Gradually, he began to see the situation differently; maybe it wasn't all that bad.
That's what happens with illicit affairs and clandestine meetings. And longing stares.
A single stare was enough.
Jake could feel it, born from a single stare and growing in his chest like a flower nourished by his feelings, he felt it on the tip of his tongue, it suffocated him. He died a million little times.
His head ached, and his heartached because the situation was changing in small steps. Maybe he couldn't simply say no to everything anymore.
Every chance they got, no matter where. From beautiful rooms ends with meetings in parking lots, but Jake needed to feel Samuel. It could be something simple, a touch of their pinkies, a kiss, a hug, or it could be sex.
But he loved coming home after a tiring afternoon and knowing Samuel would be there, grumbling senselessly. Jake could simply curl up on top of him and soak in the scent of the perfume. The one Jake had chosen as a gift for him.
"Jake," Samuel's irritated voice stopped him.
He wouldn't leave traces of his presence on Samuel.
Marks were prohibited. It was almost as if this relationship didn't exist; any act of ownership was forbidden.
And that was okay because Samuel would eventually get tired, after Jake died a million little times.
They didn't beat around the bush; he needs to take his words at what they are, exactly as Samuel intended. So, there was no way to get carried away, but it was a dwindling, mercurial high. For Jake, it was a drug that only worked the first few hundred times.
But that's how illicit affairs and clandestine meetings. And stolen stares.
So, even if Jake stares at him, wanting a little more, he cursed himself. How could he ask for more? This was just lust. Even if, for Jake, it wasn't just that anymore, even if it involved feelings like a foolish teenager who couldn't control his emotions.
Jake would only show his truth once, but he would lie a million little times.
But sometimes, it's no longer enough. He wants to shout at him, curse him. Don't call me sweetheart, don't treat me differently, look at this godforsaken mess that you made me.
How was Samuel able to show him colors he couldn't see with anyone else?
He wants to stop it, he's tired of this charade.
Look at the foolish idiot Jake Kim has become. In intimacy, it was like discovering a secret language that can't speak with anyone else, no one but Samuel.
And Samuel knows it.
Samuel knows that Jake has ruined himself, a million little times, for him.