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Chapter Text

  “Some people are just broken no matter what you do,”

Weeks into Ed’s probation and the decision to rekindle their friendship first, Lucius’ words still plagued his mind, despite how hard he tried to shove them away. It would have been easy to, if not for the way half the crew continued to flinch anytime Ed appeared.

The bell around his neck only made people tense when they heard it approaching, their eyes hardening before bolting away.

Even Izzy, who had once been the most loyal and faithful of them all, had not spoken a single word to him since he re-boarded. And deep down, no matter how hard he wanted to deny it, Stede couldn’t blame him.

He sighs, running a hand down his face as he sits up, knowing sleep won’t grace him tonight. Throwing on something more formal, he makes the familiar trek to the deck, deciding to head towards the forecastle, hoping the Seabreeze and night sky would help ease his mind.

To his surprise, he’s not alone when he arrives. To the right, Izzy stands with a freshly lit tobacco roll, his eyes on the sea.

“I didn’t take you for a smoker,” If the man was startled by his sudden appearance, he didn’t show it. Instead, he takes a draw from the roll, breathing it out with ease.

“Not usually,” The man rasped out, bringing it back to his lips. Stede steps forward, standing beside the man and looking towards the horizon. To his surprise, Izzy offers the roll to him after taking another puff. He cautiously takes it, their fingers brushing for a moment. He takes a draw, surprised at how smooth it is.

“It’s delightful,” He comments, handing it back to the other. Izzy hums, a small smirk on his lips that goes unnoticed.

“Jim rolled them. They picked up the habit after-” The smaller man pauses, taking a draw to fill the silence. “Well, you know.” He says instead and Stede nearly flinches, relieved that the tobacco is there to distract him.

“I haven’t been able to properly thank you, but uh, thank you,” Stede managed. “I’ve learned a lot in these past two weeks about being a pirate,” Izzy lips twitch again and he hums.

“It’s a miracle you’ve lasted this long,” Izzy spoke nonchalantly. “You’re still an idiot, but you’re getting better,” Used to the backhanded compliments by now, Stede takes it in stride and relaxes against the wooden railing behind him.

“I guess it comes from learning from one of the greats,” He doesn’t miss the sliver of pride that shines in the other’s eyes. “I doubt Ed would have become so renowned if it weren’t for you,” He immediately regrets bringing Ed up, the tension in Izzy’s shoulders breaking the peaceful moment. Stede caught a gloved hand brushing across the prosthetic for a split second, before it was gone in an instant, returning to his side as if nothing had happened.

Just like earlier tonight, Stede caught himself wondering if he had made a mistake in letting Ed start his probation on the ship. Should they have left him on the island? Could he justify Ed’s actions? Or was he merely disillusioning himself? How much of Ed’s actions truly fell on him?

“Bonnet?” Blinking out of his thoughts, he turns to see the rolled tobacco waiting in the air, a gloved hand waiting for him. Swallowing, he takes it and draws in, deeper than normal. He exhales, wishing his breath would take his thoughts away with it.

“Sorry. Lost in thought I guess,” Izzy doesn’t make a sound, just stares at him for a moment before turning his gaze back to the sea. “The sea does that to you, I suppose,” Looking ahead, his eyes transfixed on the moon’s reflection in the water, unable to look away from the beauty.

They continue to share the roll of tobacco until it dwindles to nothing. Prepared for the moment to end, Stede barely withholds his surprise when Izzy reaches into his pocket to light another, offering it to him again.

He can’t stop the small smile from blossoming forth as he takes it, the two of them sharing a look that makes his heart do an odd flutter.

It does another flutter when Izzy’s lips twitch into a barely there smile too, before turning away and looking back at the sea.

Chapter Text

“How long do I have to wear this fucking bell for?”

“Until the probation ends,”

“When’s that? A day?”

“When the crew are comfortable with you again,”

“So probably more than a day for that,”

Different night, same dilemma. Stede’s thoughts plagued his sleep once again, but this time, it was different. Instead of the memories of his crew flinching, it was his own memories of a man facing probation with a level of indifference. It was the memory of a man thinking all of his transgressions could be dissolved in a day.

With his own mistakes, Stede had been prepared to earn Ed’s trust again. He hadn’t expected to be forgiven in a day, not when he had broken another man’s heart. All he had wanted was to explain his actions and why he reacted the way he did, with the hope of being able to move forward from there.

Breaking a man’s heart and taking away a man’s leg are different transgressions. A voice said in his head, and Stede groaned, eyes clenching in frustration. Breaking a man’s heart and torturing the crew are different transgressions. He surges forward, running a hand through his hair in frustration, wishing that his thoughts would silence themselves.

No reprieve comes as another, more damaging thought plagues his mind.

A broken heart is no excuse to abuse everyone around you.

He finds himself on the deck again, leaning against the wooden railing as he watches the sea, the breeze helping to clear his mind. His eyes close for a moment, the damning thoughts from earlier quieting down, but still present in the back of his mind. Stede takes a breath and releases it, wishing his muddled thoughts and anxieties could be swept away and swallowed by the unforgiving sea.

Stede absently rubs at the circles under his eyes, feeling drained and wary. His tiredness is a dull thing compared to his racing mind, so often filled with uncertainty from the past few weeks. The only thing he knows for certain is that the crew is terrified whenever Ed appears, the atmosphere turning tense in a matter of seconds.

Even Fang, one of the more forgiving members of the crew, tenses when Ed appears. There was a hardness behind the kind eyes that only appeared the moment Ed did.

It wasn’t even just Fang either. All of those who served under the Kraken had a specific hardness behind their eyes that hadn’t been there before all of this. Then there were those who had been deserted and left to die. They held no respect for the man and glared at him whenever they could. However, they took it upon themselves to help the members who were more traumatized. They stood in front of them, helping to keep Ed out of their view.  Stede sighed as a memory from the other day hit him hard.

“Fuck, there he is. That damn bell doesn’t even work like it fucking should,” Lucuis cursed, hands shaking as he shoved them in his pocket. Archie tensed beside him, her eyes shifting in an effort to ignore the former captain. Instead of shaking as Lucius had, she became tense, her shoulders tightening uncomfortably.

Before Stede could say anything to break the tension that had risen, Wee John and Black Pete were moving in front of the duo, hiding Ed from their view.

“Roach’s taken a vote on dinner,” Wee John said, his frame blocking Ed. “Want’s your opinion on the fish. Fang caught a lot of em, different ones too,” Black Pete nodded.

“Yeah. Says he wants all eyes on the fish. Something about its ‘vibe’ and shit,” Lucius and Archie share a look at that, but their gratefulness shines through.

“Fuck yeah. Never checked fish vibes before. Might as well,” Archie grinned, giving their two saviors a thumbs-up. The two were then led in the opposite direction, with Lucius pulling Black Pete into a deep kiss.

“Thanks, babe,” Lucius whispered, smiling when his lover pulled him in for another kiss, before leading him away from the deck. Stede had smiled softly at the sight, despite the nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

That nagging feeling was more persistent now, ringing in his head like alarm bells. His shoulders sagged in defeat as he let out a deep sigh, his hazel eyes locked onto the dark sea.

“You look like shit,” Roused from his thoughts, Stede turned and watched as Izzy limped to the wood railing, a bottle of rum clutched in one hand.

“Good to see you too, Izzy,” Stede felt his stomach do an odd flutter as the other man’s lips twitched slightly. “We can’t all pull off being ruggedly handsome like you,” Stede commented with a gentle smirk and teasing tone. The smaller man seemed to pause at that, the bottle raised halfway to his lips.

“You calling me handsome, Bonnet?” The playful question and cocky grin send another flutter in Stede’s chest, his mouth going dry as he swallows hard.

“Uh, well,” He begins, ignoring the fluttering in his chest. “Yes? I mean, you certainly are one of the more attractive pirates I’ve met,” There’s a soft snort as Izzy raises the bottle to his lips, taking a heady gulp.

“Not setting the bar high, are you?”

Stede fondly rolls his eyes, but his lips form into a genuine smile when the bottle is handed to him, similar to the tobacco roll from a few nights ago. He takes a tentative sip first, then a slightly larger one. He passes it back, his fingers brushing against the smooth leather.

“High enough,” Stede teases, eyes back on the sea, taking a sip each time the bottle is handed to him. It’s not as unpleasant as he was expecting, having grown accustomed to the cheap rum they sometimes raided. This rum tasted different.

“Raided a wedding,” It’s as if Izzy could read his thoughts. “Was one of the few things we kept,” Stede turns to him, regarding him carefully. There was a pinch in the man’s brows, his jaw tense as he took another deep gulp.

He had heard very little about the wedding, but he knew it was a sore subject. It was something that also ate at him, his mind curious about the horrors that occurred.

Maybe the reason you’ve never asked is because you don’t want to know. His mind supplied. The moment you learn the truth, there is no going back. You will see the monster everyone sees.

“Whatever happened at that wedding, I’m so sorry,” Stede feels the tension beside him before it slowly evaporates.

“Not your fault, Bonnet.” Izzy mumbles. “Don’t apologize for another man’s actions.” The blonde wants to say something at that, but he’s cut off by Izzy handing him the bottle again, looking at him expectantly.

He raises it to his lips and takes a larger gulp, pushing down the flutter that spreads through his chest at Izzy’s wide grin.

Even later, when the two are definitely drunk, Stede loses his inhibitions, tongue loosened by the alcohol.

“I meant it. About you being handsome,” Stede confesses, watching as Izzy raises his eyebrows. “No, really, I do,” Stede slurs. “You’re definitely the most handsome pirate on this ship,”

The blonde swears that Izzy’s cheeks are tinted red after that, but he can’t be sure if it’s from the alcohol or his compliment.

“Fuck off,” There was no bite to the words, the softness behind them making the blonde man smile to himself.

Chapter Text

“We'll go to China.”

“China?”

“Yeah.”

“It's quite far away.”

“That's the point. Our old lives will be gone, dead. Never were. What do you say?”

For months, even before Stede and Ed had been reunited, their conversation lingered in the back of his mind like a ghost. It haunted him, chasing him around just like Nigel had, back when he embarked on a journey to become a pirate. Only this time, the ghost refused to be forgotten about. As much as he tried to throw his former grief into the sea, the memory always came back to haunt him, to make him remember what had almost been.

You were scared. He reminds himself, sitting in his well-used armchair. Going to China on a whim? With someone you weren’t even sure how you felt about?

This time, the words start to slowly sink in as he leans forward, hiding his face in his hands.

You have always wanted to be a pirate. To explore. Why would you throw it all away to go to China and start a life with someone you barely knew for more than a month? When he asks himself that question, things slow down.

For a man he knew relatively little about, he had been so eager to find him after he left Mary again. He had wanted to make amends, to apologize.

But perhaps now he could admit to himself he wasn’t sorry about not wanting to go to China, but for making Ed wait alone and realize he wasn’t coming. That was what he had felt bad about, not for anything else.

While he could understand Ed’s pain and heartbreak, he wasn’t sure he could understand the actions he had taken after.

His mind drifts to Izzy, thinking about his missing leg, and the fact Ed had cut off all but one toe on the missing leg. He closes his eyes and sighs heavily, anger and disgust churning in his stomach for all that Izzy put up with.

“It’s thanks to Iz that most of us are still here,” Jim said, crossing their arms as they stood beside Stede, looking at him with a strange expression. “Every time something shitty happened, Iz was there taking the pain for the crew. It was like he was trying to punish himself,” Stede feels nauseous at the words, his heart sinking to the bottom of his gut.

“Think he blamed himself,” Archie says, her arms crossed as she stands beside her partner. “Iz got drunk one night and told us how this was all his fault. Ever since then, he took everything Blackbeard threw at us.” If Stede’s heart was at the bottom of his gut before, now it was at his feet and only falling deeper and deeper.

“It’s not his fault,” Stede says softly, chewing on his bottom lip as he watches the sunrise on the horizon. “It’s no one’s fault. A man’s actions are his own, and for that, no one person can ever take the blame,” He says, remembering similar words that Izzy himself had said.

“I’m glad you can see that, Captain,” Jim says, a small smile on their face as they pat his shoulder. “For a while, we were worried you blamed yourself too,” He looks at them and offers a sad smile.

“I did at first,” He admits, closing his eyes with a sigh. “But someone told me that I shouldn’t apologize for another man’s actions. I’m…taking that to heart now. Although, I am sorry for his presence making you uncomfortable.” He is mildly surprised at the relief that glimmers on Jim and Archie’s faces, especially when the latter hugs him.

“You know, you’re not a bad captain, Stede. You’re different from all the others I had, but in a good way, I think. I’ve never had one that cared about my comfort,” Her words hurt, but they also invigorated him. It makes him want to protect his crew.

Even if that means protecting them from Ed.

As the memory fades, Stede looks at the clock and sighs, feeling another restless night approaching him. He managed to get a few good hours of sleep, but he knows it won’t come again.

So, he stands and makes his way to a hidden kitchen in his quarters, ever thankful that Ed had never found its location during his time as the Kraken. As he makes a simple pot of Earl Grey tea, his mind drifts back to Izzy, thinking about all the man had endured in his tenure under Blackbeard, and then, the Kraken.

When they had first met, the man was nothing but loyal. It was obvious that he had cared deeply about the other pirate. Now, they still hadn’t spoken a single word to each other. Stede had never heard Ed offer an apology for taking the man's leg, not even once.

Ed has countless apologies he needs to give Izzy, and the rest of the crew for that matter. Had he been sincere in the half-assed apology he gave after they returned from the island? Or had it all been a ruse to try and get on the crew's good side again?

And more importantly, why had Stede let him back? Why had he been so adamant about Ed returning?

The moment he asks himself that question, he slumps, unable to deny the words plaguing his mind.

He shouldn’t have let Ed come back when it made the entire crew uncomfortable. His presence even made Izzy uncomfortable, and that man was one of the most stoic individuals he had ever met.  What was he thinking about letting Ed come back?

That you had something to atone for, that for some reason, your transgressions against him were of the same caliber as his own.

How did Izzy feel about Ed returning? He had never asked the man, but he should have. How unhappy was Izzy, knowing that Ed was still on board? As he thinks about the other man, he looks down to grab his tea and startles in surprise at the realization.

Somehow, he had poured two cups of tea instead of one. With a small smile twitching on his lips, he grabs two saucers, hoping that there will be someone on the deck to drink with him, even if it is an ungodly hour.

And if he hopes that person is Izzy, then that was his own business.

ignores his anxious thoughts, taking a deep breath as he finally reaches one of the higher spots on the deck, away from most prying eyes.

And there, to his relief and excitement, is Izzy Hands, leaning against the railing as he watches the night sky.

“Mind if I join you?” His heart does that familiar flutter when Izzy gives him the faintest smile, giving a small gesture for him to come. “Trouble sleeping?” A few months ago, he would have been surprised at himself for asking such a personal question, but it comes more naturally now.

Izzy merely hums, giving him a sideways glance.

“I think the same could be asked of you,” Snorting at the rebuke, Stede doesn’t bother denying it.

“Sometimes my mind doesn’t like to turn off,” He admits, offering the other cup. “Would you like some tea? I’m not sure how you prefer it, so I left it black. There are a few sugar cubes on the plate if you like it with sugar-“ Realizing he’s rambling, Stede feels himself flush a bit.

“You made me tea, Bonnet?” Izzy raises an eyebrow, but there is something warm behind the dark eyes that makes Stede swallow hard.

“Truthfully, I wasn’t sure you would be here. I had hoped you were though,” Admitting it felt easy, especially when he saw the way Izzy’s lips twitched into a barely-there smile. He ignores the fluttering in his chest when the smaller man takes the cup, adding a single sugar cube to it.

He files that away for later.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve had tea…thank you,” Stede smiles at him, taking a sip of his own as he watches the sky with the other man.

“It’s no problem. I always make sure to have tea onboard. Anytime you want some, just let me know,” Stede replies offhandedly, missing the way Izzy’s lips twitch into a bigger smile. “Earl Grey was one of my favorites as a child, but I do enjoy some green teas as well. I have that, if you prefer”

“Can’t say I’m surprised Earl Grey is your favorite,” Stede snorts at that, heart feeling lighter than it has all night. It feels short-lived, however, when he remembers who else he shared a cup of tea with.

It felt like years ago, but the first night he and Ed had met, they had shared a cup of tea with some pastries, relieved at having fooled the Spanish. Back then, they had all been so naïve, him especially.

“What’s keeping you awake this time, Bonnet?” Chuckling mirthlessly, Stede watched the moon’s reflection, thinking of an answer.

“A conversation I had with Ed before I abandoned him,” He avoids Izzy’s gaze, which he feels burning him. “Did he ever tell you what happened?”

“We knew not to ask,” The tone makes Stede tense slightly, afraid to know. Instead, he decides to tell him what happened.

“Ed came up with the idea to run away together to China,” Stede says, and speaking it out loud still reaffirms his distaste of it. “He wanted to start a new life there, for us to leave everything behind. I…didn’t want that,”

At the time, Stede had been terrified of running away on a whim, but now, he can also admit he didn’t want to leave this life behind. This crew, they were his family, even if they weren’t by blood. He would never leave them behind to start a new life in China.

“So, I ran off,” Stede admitted after a moment of silence. “I should have immediately come back to the crew instead of Mary, but I couldn’t run away to China with him. It was…”

“One of his whims,” Izzy says, finishing his tea. “One of his stupid whims that has no business being a reality,” Stede wanted to grimace at the words, but there was no use in denying them.

Izzy would know more than most about Edward's whims, wouldn’t he? The man beside him had put up with the chaos for years.

“What about you then?” Stede asked, finishing his own cup. “What’s keeping you up this time?”

Izzy was silent for a long moment, the man clearly debating something.

“When we first met, I couldn’t stand you and your ideas,” Stede can’t help but smirk, remembering all the bickering they had done back then. “Ed followed after you like one of his whims, and I was afraid of what would happen after,” The confession startles Stede and he barely conceals it.

“Even if life wasn’t perfect back then, I knew how to manage it. I knew how to manage him.” Stede listens, watching the man intently. “It’s my fault he snapped,”

“No,” Stede is firm as he speaks, his eyebrows furrowing. “It isn’t. Did you and I make mistakes? Of course we did,” He continues. “But we did not make him hurt people. We did not put a weapon in his hands and force him to do the things he did,”

He had taken hold of one of Izzy’s hands during his spiel, lacing it with his own.

“You told me not to apologize for another man’s actions, Izzy. The same goes for you,” He said, giving the hand a small squeeze. “I don’t want you to blame yourself for his actions. In my eyes, you are redeemed, Iz. You’ve worked so hard for this crew,”

With the stars in the sky, Stede gets lost in the other man’s impossibly dark eyes, the stars reflected in them.

“You’re still too nice for your own good, Bonnet,” Izzy rasps, and Stede just smiles at him, shrugging.

“Maybe, but you deserve kindness too, Iz.”

When the sun started to rise and the others joined them on the deck, he heard Izzy mumble something softly.

“I don’t think there’s anyone out there that deserves you, Bonnet,”

Not even Edward Teach had made his heart flutter this much.