Work Text:
Sam’s whole college career thus far could be pretty accurately summarized as a “journey of self-discovery.” People always say that college is a time for trying things out and experimenting, that the whole experience changes you — in either good ways or bad — and man, they weren’t kidding.
The whole first year at Stanford has been a whirlwind to Sam Winchester, who came to college not really knowing himself as anything other than a hunter. Hell, he hasn’t had the time throughout his childhood and teenage years to discover himself, not like this.
Sam figures out a lot of things about himself, each and every thing solidifying his identity that is truly his own–not constantly being controlled by his father or influenced by his older brother. No, he’s becoming a man all his own.
Sure, he learned that he likes mornings and running a circuit around campus, likes smoothies and being on time, likes sleeping but not for too long, likes speaking with people more than spending time alone, likes the color green and Hemingway’s books, likes getting his homework done early and helping out with charities because it’s fulfilling, likes honesty and holds himself up to high standards.
Sam Winchester is a lot of things, but what he can’t seem to nail down is his own sexuality.
Dating was one of the last things on his mind in high school, so there wasn’t a lot of time to think about what he likes or dislikes and had a very limited experience with girls. Now he’s in college where there’s more diversity and freedom to explore.
But that’s just the thing. He’s exploring, but he just can’t find what is right.
Sometime he’s turned on by women, sometimes men, sometimes everyone no matter what sex or gender. Sometimes none of those. He’s almost a little afraid to date because of these ever-changing feelings. Sam knows for sure he gets turned on by pornography — Brady leaves their dorm room for days at a time, leaving Sam to his own devices — but those feelings, that arousal, doesn’t seem to transfer over to the real thing.
Jess was nice, so beautiful. Kind, sweet, funny, and wicked smart. Everything that Sam could have ever hoped for, but the moment she wanted to have sex with him, it was gone. He couldn’t picture it at all. He let Jess go, knowing that his feelings weren’t aligned with hers.
The whole thing frustrated him to no end. Why can he still get off to pornography of all sorts of sexualities and relationships but hates the idea for himself? Is he simply repulsed by sex? No, maybe not. Sex between two or even more people seems pretty hot, it gets him going, but he could never put himself in the picture, in the fantasies that play out in his brain. It’s always like he’s in third-person, not even the passenger seat.
Sam googles it for days, trying different search engines and keywords to try to put what he’s feeling into words. Surely he’s not the only one experiencing this or something similar. There are seven billion people on this earth and statistically there has to be more.
On the sixth day of searching, Sam finally finds it. His answer is on a forum, outlining the vague details of “aegosexuality” which tells him exactly the words he’s been searching for. He’s feeling disconnected from the subjects of his sexual thoughts, with no desire to be a participant. It fits him to the T, and something deep within Sam’s mind and heart settles instantly.
He’s not the only one with these confusing feelings and thoughts, and not only that — there’s a name for it. One that he’s able to add to his ever growing and changing identity that he’s been building since coming to Stanford.
He’s Sam Winchester: morning person, lover of dogs, political science major, future lawyer and current volunteer, and aegosexual.