Archive of Our Own ^beta

“What if you hate me a few hours from now…” Louis whispered into his knees, staring at Harry’s sleeping form beside him. Tears were running down his cheeks as he struggled to tear his eyes away from Harry. “What if this is the last time we’re together,” he thought aloud, his voice barely audible as he relayed his worries to his unknowing boyfriend. He sighed and buried his face in his knees, letting small sobs escape his mouth but continuing to make an effort to keep quiet.

Louis sat next to Harry on his bed and contemplated how far they’ve gotten as a couple- so much further than any of Louis’ past boyfriends, who always grew uncomfortable when Louis became confident enough to confess his biggest insecurity. Louis couldn’t let that happen with Harry. It had been different with the others, Louis regarding his past relationships far less seriously than what he had with Harry. In a closed off, frightening part of Louis’ mind, he felt genuinely unsure about how he’d pick himself back up again if Harry wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He didn’t think he could withstand someone as amazing as Harry walking out of his life.

Louis ran his eyes over Harry’s peaceful face, quietly admiring the boy he’d grown so close to in only a few months. Louis stared fondly at Harry’s soft curls lying about his face and his pretty, red lips, parted as he snored lightly. Louis thought of Harry’s voice, of how Harry loved nothing more than to sing for him when he was sad. What if Louis couldn’t have that anymore after tonight? What if he never got to hear Harry sing another song for him, never have Harry holding him close and whispering sweet things, never even got around to hearing Harry say the three words he so desperately wished to hear from his boyfriend? Louis cried harder, his insecurities and apprehension closing in on him as he felt lost in his mind.

Next to him, Harry was slowing waking up, wanting to cuddle with Louis but realizing that he wasn’t lying down asleep beside him. Harry sighed and opened his eyes, lazily sitting up to figure out what was happening.

When he made out Louis’ compact form and heard his steady sobs, Harry furrowed his eyebrows and immediately clicked on his lamp.

Louis heard his shuffling noises and looked up to see Harry’s face in the yellow glow, staring in concern at Louis. With one look of Louis’ flushed, tear-stained cheeks, Harry was wrapping his arms tightly around his boy, wanting nothing more than to remove all the unhappiness festering inside of Louis.

“Sweetheart, you’ve been so tense all evening,” Harry said, firmly kissing Louis’ hair as he stroked his back. “Tell me what’s bothering you, sunshine. You can tell me anything at all.”

Louis sobbed harder into Harry’s bare chest, his usual faith in Harry’s sincerity flickering. The confession nagging in Louis’ head surely wasn’t something Harry was ready to hear, but Louis felt utterly consumed with the heavy weight of guilt from hiding such a huge part of himself from Harry. Would Harry’s open-mindedness extend to Louis’ jarring reality?

“You’re…” Louis sobbed, trying to find the right words. “I think you’ll be mad at me wh-when… when I tell you,” he said.

Harry pressed his lips to Louis’ head again and replied, “No, peach. That’s not gonna happen.” He spoke quietly but honestly, completely confident that no matter what Louis had to say, he would not be angry after Louis strained his bravery to tell him something so important.

Louis sighed and struggled to quiet his sobs, listing one ‘what if’ after another in his mind. “I… don’t… Hazza, you’re not gonna want me anymore after I tell you,” Louis all but whined, his insecurities involuntarily slipping out.

Harry sighed and pulled away, tilting Louis’ head up to meet his gaze. He brushed away some tears with his thumb, though a steady stream followed as Louis blinked them away in his distressed state. Harry leaned in and kissed his nose gently, running the back of his hand slowly across Louis’ cheek. “Lou… baby, I love you,” Harry told him, unable to keep his realization from his boyfriend any longer. “I have for some time now… just didn’t know when the time would be right to say it…” Harry mused quietly. “Me not wanting you is just… not possible.”

Louis looked up at Harry with watery eyes, his head swimming with the idea of Harry feeling this serious about them, about loving him. He sniffled quietly as he stared into Harry’s earnest eyes and quietly answered, “I love you, too.” Though he was genuine about his love for Harry, he still wondered if he dared to admit it should Harry change his mind after he heard what Louis had to tell him.

“It’s just… there’s something important I haven’t told you. But… I-I think… I think it’s something you should know,” Louis said shyly.

Harry nodded slowly, trying to think of what might be tearing Louis up inside like this. Louis took a deep breath as if to continue, but stopped short as he struggled to tell Harry the truth. His breathing had relaxed slightly, but was soon picking up its pace once again. Louis snaked his arms around Harry’s waist and held on tight, becoming overwhelmed with his uncertainty.

Harry stared down helplessly at Louis, his beautiful boy, who he was so desperately in love with and watched tears pour down his cheeks. Louis tightened his grip slightly, and in a nearly inaudible voice, he whined, “I’m so, so scared, Hazza.”

Harry felt as if he was sinking in despair, unable to stand seeing Louis so intensely upset. He angled his head to gently press his lips to Louis’ temple. “Angel… don’t be scared. I’m right here and I love you so, so much and you can tell me absolutely anything and nothing would change that,” Harry said, praying for Louis’ mind to acknowledge his sincerity. “Please believe me,” Harry added with quiet desperation.

Louis breathed shakily against Harry, feeling at a loss of how to tell Harry what was on his mind. Harry rubbed his back soothingly, whispering reassuring words to the forlorn boy nearly in his lap.

“My darling, I can-I can feel it. I know I’ll never stop loving you… Love isn’t like that, honey. When you truly love someone, the way I love you, it can’t just evaporate into nothing with a few off-setting words,” Harry said, urging Louis to believe him. Louis just nodded slightly and sniffled, wanting to believe Harry’s words more than anything. “I know it’s stronger than whatever it is you’re needing to tell me. And if it’s up to me, we won’t break up because of this.  No matter what you have yet to tell me… I can’t stop wanting you, baby.”

Louis felt overwhelmed with all of Harry’s words, all of Harry’s unabashed love directed towards him alone. He tilted his head to kiss Harry’s chest, the area wet with his tears. He sniffled and rested his cheek against a drier spot.

“I know you’re feeling scared, sweet pea. And that makes me so sad, but I also know how brave you can be,” Harry continued, willing Louis to heed his words. He leaned close to whisper to Louis. “Be brave for me, love. I know you can.”

Louis took a deep breath and bit his lip, wishing his could be as confident with himself as Harry was with him. He slowly pulled away from Harry’s warm body, psyching himself up to tell Harry the most private thing he carried with him.

He stared in his lap for a while, unsure of how to start. Harry patiently reached over to lace his fingers with Louis’, reminding him of his gentle presence. Louis wiped away some tears with his free hand as his thoughts returned to the potential of Harry leaving him after this conversation despite his words. Harry claimed his love for Louis was unconditional, and Louis wanted to believe him more than anything. What he had to tell Harry was big, though. Big enough to potentially alter a mind state forever.

Louis looked into Harry’s eyes and thought about all the kindness and love he’d been showered with since becoming Harry’s boyfriend. He considered all the things he risked losing with telling Harry the only thing he’d ever kept from him. There were so, so many aspects of his relationship with Harry he would miss and he squirmed with dread at the overwhelming amount of them. Harry’s kind, pretty face, the way Harry laughed at his jokes, the food he cooked for him…. Louis stared at his boyfriend as he cried silently, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of losing one of his most favorite things about Harry.

Louis squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. “Before… before I…” Louis whispered, his hand going clammy against Harry’s palm.

Harry touched his cheek gently and leaned close to kiss his forehead. “Yes, baby?”

Louis looked down, unable to meet Harry’s eyes as his cheeks flushed deeply. “Can you sing to me, please? Just-just a little… please?” he said softly, feeling slightly embarrassed with his request but desiring Harry’s warm, deep voice to fill him up soothingly as he felt so deeply distressed.

Harry immediately pressed his mouth to Louis’, kissing him firmly but chastely for a long moment before leaning back and scooping Louis into his lap. He leaned back, resting against the headboard and crossing his arms on Louis’ waist. “Of course I’ll sing for you, darling,” he said, softly nosing at the warm skin behind Louis’ ear. “Absolutely anything you want,” he added in a whisper.

Louis curled up on Harry’s lap and let his mind fade the slightest bit as Harry hummed for little while before deciding on a song for Louis.

“I don’t mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain. Look for the boy with the broken smile, ask him if he wants to stay awhile. And he will be loved… and he will be loved. And he will be loved… and he will be loved,” Harry sang smoothly into the quiet of his bedroom. Louis was nearly sobbing all over again, curled into Harry and crying irrepressibly into his neck. Harry angled his head to kiss Louis’ forehead before repeating the chorus for the boy in his lap.

Louis was overcome with a huge wave of emotion, an enormous amount of bare need to hear Harry’s loving, soulful voice for the rest of his life. The fact that Harry deliberately changed the words in the song just for him opened a floodgate inside Louis, and suddenly he understood that Harry was honest about his unrelenting, unconditional love for him.

Harry finished singing and Louis slid off his lap, his fear dissolving considerably. Harry intertwined their hands again and gazed at Louis expectantly but patiently.

“Thank you, Harry,” he said quietly, appreciating his boyfriend now more than ever. Harry smiled reassuringly and squeezed his hand. “I… I’ll tell you now,” Louis whispered.

“Alright, baby. Take your time,” Harry responded lovingly.

Louis took a deep breath and fidgeted with Harry’s fingers interlocked with his own for a moment. “So… like, you’re gay, ‘cause… you’re a boy who likes other boys,” Louis began awkwardly, unsure of how to explain himself in the best way. Harry only nodded calmly and remained silent, being patient for Louis to lay all of his thoughts out for him. “And… and so am I,” Louis added. “A boy who likes other boys, I mean.”

“Mhm,” Harry agreed, trying to understand what Louis was getting at but feeling at a loss for the point he was trying to make.

“But, I… I-I wasn’t always, though,” he said quietly. Harry furrowed his eyebrows at this but tried to keep his expression neutral so as not to upset Louis. “I…” Louis started again, but cut himself off. He squeezed Harry’s hand hard and forced himself to look Harry in the eye, if only for a few seconds. “I’m transgender, Hazza,” he said, his voice breaking as he blinked away tears. Harry was right- he was brave enough, and he didn’t need to be afraid to open up. “And… and so… I’m a boy, I am a boy… but… I’ve got girl parts…” Louis explained, his voice trailing off near the end.

Harry sat, dumbfounded at Louis’ words. He knew it wasn’t a difficult concept and understood exactly what Louis meant. He felt completely perplexed as to how he never noticed anything to lead him to suspect something like this from Louis. As he contemplated this new information, Louis stared at him nervously, awaiting Harry’s reaction. From what he could see on Harry’s face, Louis guessed that he was confused with Louis’ explanation.

He cringed at the thought of having to explain himself all over again but questioned Harry nevertheless. “Does that… do-do you get what I mean?” he asked.

Harry snapped out of his musings, realizing he hadn’t properly responded to one of the most important things Louis had ever told him.

“No, I… yeah, baby,” Harry replied dazedly, still trying to process Louis’ confession. “I know exactly what you mean…” Harry paused before leaning forward and crashing into Louis with a bone-crushing hug. “I’m really, really glad you told me, sweet pea. That was a very courageous thing to do, to come out to me like this… I’m so proud of you, angel, you have no idea. You’re so brave…” Harry praised him, pressing a wet kiss to his temple. He leaned close to whisper to him. “This doesn’t make me love you any less, sweetheart.  Not at all. I still love you and you’re still my boyfriend… still my Louis,” Harry promised him. Harry laid down, taking Louis with him to rest on top of his chest. He ran his hand up and down Louis’ back and added, “In fact, I’d say I love you even more now. Because I know you were so scared, darling, but you pushed past it for me and I admire you for it so much.”

Louis remained silent for a while, tears of relief dripping down onto Harry’s neck. He felt so intensely grateful for someone like Harry in his life, someone to promise him his gender makes perfect sense and respect it immediately.

“Thank you, Hazza,” he said after a long moment of silence. He tightened his grip on Harry’s shoulders and where his knees straddled Harry’s thighs, telling him, “I love you so much.”

Harry preened at that, smiling wide and giving him another kiss. “Lou… I… I mean, regardless of my sexuality, I know I would love you no matter your gender. ‘Cause you’re my Louis, and you’re so, so special to me no matter what.”

Louis sighed at his words, feeling all of Harry’s love pour into him. He kissed Harry’s neck, busying himself with giving him a love bite instead of answering.

“Thank you for telling me, baby. It really means a lot that you let yourself open up to me about something very personal,” Harry continued, needing to make it known to Louis how pleased he was with his bravery.

“You… you’re not mad or anything that I waited a few months to tell you something as important as this?” Louis asked quietly, as if afraid to trigger some hidden reaction in Harry.

“No, honey. I’m not mad at you, not at all. It’s a very personal thing; of course I wouldn’t be angry that you’d like to take your time with telling me. And when I met you, I already knew you were a boy, and the fact that you identify as a boy is more relevant than whether you’re cis or trans.” Harry hugged him harder before continuing. “I’m so, so happy beyond words that you confided in me about something like this. Of course I’m not mad at you,” Harry said calmly. He ran his fingers through Louis’ hair for a little bit before adding, “It’s huge that you told me this, but I would’ve fallen in love with you no matter what.”

Louis nuzzled into his neck, feeling overwhelmed every time Harry spoke to him so simply about how much Louis meant to him. “I would’ve fallen in love with you, too. Even if you were a girl… You’d be a very lovely girl, too. So pretty,” Louis said quietly, smacking kisses to his neck and jaw.

Harry chuckled and hugged him tight. “I’m sure you were just as beautiful before you started identifying as a boy. When was it you started feeling this way, baby?” Harry asked him.

-

He and Louis talked nonstop for a few hours, Louis explaining to Harry things he had never told anyone else about. It felt amazing to be able to talk to him about this, knowing Harry wouldn’t judge him for anything at all, even the thoughts and feelings Louis himself wasn’t sure about.

The two of them discussed sexuality and love until the sun came up, leading both of them to realize how behind they were on sleep. Just as the night sky began growing lighter through the slits of the blinds, Harry abruptly changed the subject with the realization that Louis must be extremely tired after feeling all the things he felt since Harry woke up.

“You wanna go back to sleep, love? I hadn’t noticed how late it was…” Harry said with a yawn. Louis nodded, detaching himself from the cuddling position he and Harry had ended up in.

“Yeah… ‘m exhausted,” Louis replied. He moved to lie down on his half of the bed but began fidgeting around as if he was forgetting something. Light color tinted his cheeks in embarrassment when he realized what was the matter. “Um… Hazza?” he asked shyly.

Harry picked up on his tone and responded gently. “Yes, love?”

“Um… I’ve got… I need to take off my binder, it’s… can’t sleep with it on,” Louis explained quietly, still feeling a bit uncomfortable with acknowledging his anatomy with Harry.

“Your…? Oh! No, that’s fine, baby. I’ll go make us some tea for bedtime and give you some privacy, alright?”

“Thank you, Hazza,” he replied in a whisper, still feeling taken aback with how openly accepting and respectful Harry was treating him. Harry leaned in to kiss his cheek sweetly and got up to busy himself in the kitchen of his one-room studio apartment.

Harry kept his back facing his bed for about five minutes, carefully averting his eyes as he prepared two mugs of chamomile tea. He brought the warm mugs back to his bed where he saw Louis sitting up against the headboard in just a thin t shirt. Harry promised himself he wouldn’t stare or do anything to make Louis the slightest bit uncomfortable, but he couldn’t help taking in a small glance at first. He could now make out a slightly more womanly shape on Louis, whose body, Harry noticed, had always seemed rather curvier than most men but beautiful all the same.

Harry handed the mug to Louis with a smile and got under the covers with him. After a short while of taking small sips of tea, Harry’s curiosity got the better of him as one more question circled around his head.

“So… have you…” Harry tried, struggling to word his question properly. He sighed quietly in frustration and brought a hand up to Louis’ face, thumbing at his jawline. “You’ve-you’ve got such beautiful bone structure… and-and facial hair, like… you’re just very, very handsome, Louis,” Harry said honestly. Louis bit back a smile, loving the tone of amazement in Harry’s voice as he pointed out how good-looking he found him. “I mean… I don’t know, you’ve just got such a more manly face structure… I never would’ve thought…” Harry said interestedly as he gazed at Louis’ face.

Louis shrugged gently, unaware of what Harry was getting at. “I… I guess, yeah,” he replied.

“No, I mean… I just-I don’t want you to think I’m looking at you any differently, I’m just more aware of… of how handsome you look, baby,” Harry said, not wanting to say anything dumb or unknowingly hurtful that he had heard in the past when telling people he wasn’t always a boy.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, smiling slightly at Harry’s awkward compliments.

Harry’s hand was still hovering near his face as he brushed his knuckles against Louis’ two-day stubble. “But… how… just out of curiosity…” Harry mumbled in fascination.

“I’ve been taking testosterone supplements since I turned eighteen. It’s helped quite a lot, I think,” Louis explained easily, understanding what Harry was getting at.

“Oh… well, as long as you’re pleased with how you look. That’s all that’s important,” Harry told him, gazing at him in admiration. “But, for the record… I happen to find you completely beautiful,” he said with bare honesty.

Louis thought back onto all the times anyone had something negative to say about his looks just because he wasn’t cisgender. With Harry fondly watching him with sincere eyes, he realized he’d never felt more at peace with himself. Here was another boy regarding him with huge amounts of love and affection, and it was more than enough for Louis. He met Harry’s gaze and returned his smile, feeling more content than ever.

Harry set his mug on the nightstand and did the same with Louis’ as the two of them shifted down farther on the bed. Harry cuddled in next to Louis, spooning him close with his arm around Louis’ waist, being casually cautious of his touching chest. He kissed the back of Louis’ head and held him tight, feeling pleasantly sleepy and preparing for rest even though it was daybreak.

Louis smiled at their position feeling more comfortable than he had all night. He felt amazing after talking with Harry and getting everything off his chest. He curled up small and tucked his head under Harry’s chin while lacing his fingers with Harry’s against his stomach. He felt exhausted, his mind going hazy as he was minutes away from falling asleep for the first time that night. Behind him, Harry quietly sang a lullaby for his boy.

“And he will be loved…”