Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Why don’t you like me?” Kaveh shouted, exhausted and done with this stupid argument, he couldn’t even remember how it started.

His heart was in pain and his mind was hazy and he couldn’t handle Alhaitham, the man he unfortunately loved, telling him everything that is wrong with him. He knew already. He knew how worthless he was, but fuck was it really that bad that this type of argument needed to happen again?

“Tell me! Tell me how awful I am. How absolutely disgusted you are with my presence!” he continued, his blood boiling, “Tell me what I did so wrong that I deserve to be belittled by you!”

He knows he’s made mistakes, that him just living in Alhaitham’s house was a bother to begin with. But he tries, he tries to clean and tidy up, help make dinner and do the dishes. He tries, and it never seems good enough. Nothing he ever does is good enough for him, and it’s killing him.

“Why don’t you just kick me out?! Leave me to starve on the streets of Sumeru if you hate me that much!” he yelled, looking right into Alhaitham’s eyes. His stupid gorgeous eyes.

Kaveh wants Alhaitham to like him so bad, he already feels almost dead. Like he was stabbed long ago and this is just him bleeding out slowly. The stupid yearning fantasies of Alhaitham wouldn’t go away. He would cling to rare compliments and their unspoken potential romantic activities. Like it ever meant anything to Alhaitham! Like Kaveh ever meant anything!

It would probably be better if Kaveh just.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you? If I left, if I died you’d-“

In one quick motion, Alhaitham grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug.

“No.” he stated, his voice not as void of emotion as it’s once been. The realization that this wasn’t just a regular argument hit him hard. Hearing Kaveh break down like that, the desperation in his voice as he yelled, and how he even went far enough to assume that Alhaitham would like it if he died.

Even someone as so-called stoic as him couldn’t hide the emotions growing in his heart. The sudden deep sadness seeped into his eyes, and he was grateful Kaveh couldn’t see them right now.

Truthfully, he knew his words could sting. He could see it in Kaveh’s facial expressions sometimes when he went too far. But even more candidly, despite all he’s said, he wouldn’t know how to live if Kaveh moved out. And he probably couldn’t live if Kaveh died. He simply wouldn’t want to. What would his life be without him? How could he go on without such an important and integral part of his day?

“Don’t ever think I want you gone.” he practically scolded, still holding on to Kaveh tighter than he has ever held on to anyone. He’s never done this before but damn it, he didn’t want Kaveh to go. Life wouldn’t be the same without his golden light. No matter how annoying it could be, how frustrating, he didn’t want to imagine the darkness without him. He couldn’t even think about it.

Maybe he’s as stupid as Kaveh is with realizing reality: these feelings had been shoved down for so long and now they were rising in his chest and spilling over. He was choking on it all, almost like he couldn’t breathe.

How, how embarrassing. Kaveh was the only person who could do that to him. Kaveh, Kaveh, Kaveh.

“Don’t you dare disappear from me. Don’t leave me alone Kaveh, I..” he sighed at his own embarrassing desperation. It flustered him, overstimulated him. Almost, scared him.

Things stayed quiet for a long time.

Kaveh didn’t know what to say. He was shocked by the words, and emotionally exhausted from the argument. Genuinely, he didn’t think Alhaitham would care enough to talk to him like that. He thought this argument would end with him crying in his room, not with a comforting hug. The complete opposite outcome turned his world upside down. He was almost convinced he was dreaming if he wasn’t for how real their touches felt.

“thought you didn’t care..” he mumbled, leaning into the hug. He was touch starved, and had been craving this kind of interaction with Alhaitham. Call him selfish, but he wanted to indulge in it. No, he needed to indulge in it. After every bad thought he had today, he needed this comfort. Needed to know that someone, that Alhaitham, wanted him here.

And Alhaitham felt the same way, indulging in such a silly pleasure. Didn’t want to let his roommate, his friend, his..beloved(?) go. Didn’t want his routine with him to disappear. “I do care. More than I want to.” he admitted, deciding that was all he could say of the truth of his feelings today. More explanation would be too much for them both right now.

Both their hearts stung. Both their minds felt frazzled.

But they didn’t move from each other. They clung on and on and on.

Perhaps, this moment, it was the start of something interesting in their relationship. Nothing was certain. Nothing was sure. Except for the hug they were wrapped in and their silent promise not to leave each other.