Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Heeseung sits down in the brown booth and collapses over the table dramatically. He sighs loudly and fights the urge to cry in public. He does think he has every right to do it though, but he doesn't want to scare the other customers away, so he doesn't cry. He has cried enough at home already anyway. Ruining his friends' business isn't worth it.

He hears the sound of a glass on the table, smells the soft and calming scent of vanilla and when he looks up Jake is standing next to the table and an americano is served. His friend looks at him with so much pitty in his eyes, it makes Heeseung whimper uncomfortably. He takes a sip of the americano and is about to tell his friend to leave him alone, but Jake sits down in front of him before he can say anything. Heeseung looks away, anywhere else, the table is suddenly very interesting. Is that a coffee stain? He'll scold Sunghoon about cleaning the tables later.

"What's wrong Hee?"

Heeseung doesn't have to look up to know that Jake is frowning in concern. He knows he looks like shit, his scent is sour and Jake has every right to ask him if he's okay, but it still makes Heeseung a little mad. His black hair is messy, his usual cherry scent smells rotten, he's wearing a white sweater with multiple stains and a pair of joggers, also with multiple stains. He doesn't need Jake to point out to him how shit he looks. He starts feeling even worse actually, ignoring the fact that Jake is showing how much he cares about him. He would rather drown in self-pitty than have his friend ask him what's wrong.

But it's Jake. And Jake will keep pushing until he gets his answer. He knows how much shit Heeseung has been through, so Heeseung guesses it's only fair to soften his worries.

He still doesn't look up as he answers Jake's question. "Remember that guy I met on the dating app three months ago? Well, we met up for the first time yesterday and had dinner, but he didn't even want to come home with me."

Heeseung's eyes start to burn and he tries his best to hold back any tears that threaten to spill. He really wants to convince Jake that it's okay that yet another guy rejected him, even when they had been talking for months. Trying to keep his emotions at bay is harder than it seems.

"Wasn't he an alpha?" Jake rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically, then moves to hold Heeseung's empty hand that isn't holding the americano for dear life. "You need to try with other omegas, Hee. I've told you this before. They might understand you better than-"

"But I don't want an omega!" Heeseung whines and feels a heavy lump in his throat. "Just because it worked out for you and Sunghoon doesn't mean it will work out for me!"

"Have you even tried?" Jake asks.

Heeseung hesitates to answer for a second. No, he hasn't tried anything with an omega, but he's never felt attracted to them either. He'd rather date an alpha, but alpha's don't come easy when you're 1.82m and not the average dainty omega. Heeseung has been self-conscious about his appearance his whole life. Though he has the hips, small waist and is pretty submissive around alphas, he's never been good enough. He has always been too tall and people have called his face ugly. He's been bullied severely since he presented as an omega, at 12 years old. Too tall, too ugly, nothing like a true omega.

He thought that maybe changing his appearance would help, but that cost him a trip to the hospital and a long recovery from anorexia at 17. Nowadays he just puts on a ton of makeup to make sure he appeals to other alphas. He doesn't go out without makeup. The concealer, heavy eyeshadow, lipgloss... even today, when the rest of him looks like shit, he made sure to put on makeup.

Heeseung has tried dating apps. For that, you only need to show your face, so it should be easier right? Wrong. He never talks about his height on dating apps. It never comes up in conversations, people just assume he's at a "normal omega height". Heeseung always looks for tall alphas though, but even then it doesn't work out. Whenever he thinks he's met someone amazing, the alphas always reject him during the first date.

"It's not you..." They always say as their eyes travel over Heeseung's tall body.

It's a miracle he's still trying, but it just gets lonely and Heeseung hates being lonely so, so much.

"I've never tried it with an omega, but I'm just not attracted to them." Heeseung says and sighs in defeat.

Jake shrugs. "That's fine. If you ever want to try, let me know and I'll give you some tips."

Heeseung nods and tugs his hand away from Jake to wipe at his wet eyes. Then, the smell of sweet chocolate penetrates his nostrils and he knows his other friend is coming towards them.

Sunghoon comes walking towards them to see what all the commotion is about. The cafe is quiet, so obviously he's heard some of it. He pushes Jake aside and sits down next to him in the booth, ignoring Jake's small attempt at an annoyed growl. He eyes Heeseung seriously and Heeseung is scared for anything that is about to come out of his mouth.

"I have an idea," Sunghoon announces and Heeseung feels dread in his stomach when he hears him say that. "we need customers and money. You need a boyfriend. We're going to host a speed-dating afternoon."

Heeseung puts his americano down, puts his hands on his face and groans audibly. Meanwhile, Jake is looking at Sunghoon like it's Einstein who's sitting in front of him.

Jake claps his hands excitedly. "That's an amazing idea Hoonie! See, this is why I love you. Oh my god, I'm going to decorate the cafe with a cute red and pink theme and we could prepare some fun activities as well! Heeseung is going to help me! This is great!"

Heeseung looks at Jake in shock at the mention of him having to help them for the speed-dating afternoon. Jake kisses his mate's cheek and rushes out of the booth, only to disappear into the kitchen, probably to write ideas down. Sunghoon chuckles at the pure disbelief on Heeseung's face.

"Come on Heeseung! It's going to be great, you know it," Sunghoon assures. "I'm so sure you'll meet someone. I promise."

Heeseung pouts. "How can you promise something you know isn't going to come true? No one will ever be interested, you know it."

Sunghoon grabs both his hands, releases calming pheromones and smiles at him. "I'm tall too, you seem to forget that a lot. If I was able to find a mate, you will too."

Heeseung's gaze shortly flickers to the faded mating bite on Sunghoon's neck and sadness fills him instantly. "You don't know that. You're pretty."

"Don't say that Heeseung," Sunghoon glares at him and Heeseung knows his own words were cheap. "I got bullied for my appearance too. Just... just come here and be yourself and try to have fun, okay? We'll arrange a date and you'll be the first to know. We'll make sure that people are going to come."

Heeseung nods, though he doesn't have much hope.

However, a week later, the event is all over his social media. Sunghoon and Jake are good at marketing their cosy cafe. Many people said they want to come, so eventually the two owners had to put a limit to the amount of people that are allowed inside of the cafe that day. Tickets are available at the door and each one of the customers will get a wristband and a simple name sticker they can personalise with their name and secondary sex. It was safe to say that it was all organised with care.

Jake had Heeseung helping with the decorations. The cafe was quite big. The usual brown booths that are spread all over the place are decorated with red tablecloths, there were silver streamers hanging on the walls and the ceilings are decorated with red and pink heart balloons. There's a cutely decorated photobooth too. One would think it's actually valentine's day.

The day of the events comes fast and there is even a small line outside. People come in quickly and start to mingle immediately. Once everyone is inside, Jake welcomes them and announces the rules. People have a total of 5 minutes to get to know each other, a buzzer sounds and then they will have to rotate.

Heeseung bites his lip nervously as he sits down in a booth. He's dressed casual, but nicely. Just an oversized brown T-shirt, a soft blue flannel, some baggy grey ripped jeans and, of course, a ton of makeup. The outfit was picked out without much thought, but little does he realise how much he's trying to hide his body. His skin crawls and he's awfully aware of every pair of eyes that has looked him up and down so far. He's wearing layers, but he feels so incredibly naked and exposed under everyone's gazes.

The uncomfortable feeling in his stomach and the anxiety get worse as a girl sits down in front of him. She's buff, smells a bit too musky for Heeseung's liking and is clearly an alpha. She looks quite intimidating actually. Heeseung shrinks a bit as she clearly checks him out. He's so glad he's wearing scent blockers, otherwise he would've felt really unsafe. At least she doesn't know how much anxiety he's feeling right now, but his body language says it all, really.

"The name's Kim Eunjin, what about you?"

Her voice is deep and it sends an uncomfortable shiver down Heeseung's spine. "Lee Heeseung." He mutters softly.

"What?" She asks. "I can't hear you."

It's a busy cafe, everyone is talking loudly, of course she can't hear him, but Heeseung is too scared to raise his voice to a louder volume. He tries again, but it isn't much better.

"Lee Heeseung."

"Lim Hajun? Alright then. You're cute. If we weren't in a public space I probably would've eaten you on the spot."

It's supposed to be a joke, but for some reason it makes Heeseung feel sick. He nods carefully and the remaining minutes are spent in awkward silence. Every minute, the voices around them seem to get louder and Heeseung feels himself getting overwhelmed. He feels like everyone in the room has their eyes on him and is talking about him, how he looks and how he acts. He wants to leave so bad.

He almost does, but then the sound of the buzzer interrupts his thoughts.

The girl walks away immediately and to Heeseung it feels like a big failure. Did he not look good enough? Was he not her type? But the joke... Heeseung almost starts to drown in negative thoughts, but then a guy sits down in front of him.

He's smaller than Heeseung and looks really, really pretty. His hair is pink and curly, his lips kind of thick and kissable and he has a waist that Heeseung could wrap both of his hands around. He has a sugary scent and is clearly, so clearly, an omega.

"Hi, my name is Chanhee. What's yours?" The omega asks and flashes him the prettiest smile ever.

Heeseung wishes that was him.

"Heeseung." He mumbles.

"You're really good looking. Alphas usually don't make any efforts to look this good." Chanhee says.

It's meant to be a compliment, but Heeseung's world completely shatters around him and it feels like a weight is pulling him through the ground. He has to fight the urge to start sobbing right then and there, but it's tough.

"I-" He starts stuttering, voice breaking as he speaks. "I'm an- I'm an omega."

"Oh!" Chanhee exclaims and chuckles. "How stupid of me! Sorry, I'm not into omegas. Wow, you look quite... tall for an omega. Good luck finding a mate though!"

It's supposed to be nice, but Heeseung hangs his head low so Chanhee can't see his glossy eyes. "Thanks." He manages to squeak out.

The buzzer makes another noise and before Heeseung knows it, Chanhee is gone.

Heeseung decides he needs a break. He walks to the restroom in a way that's too fast for it not to be suspicious. He's hyperaware of his surroundings and of the eyes that follow him around. He wraps his arms instinctively around his body and quickly enters the restroom, into the last stall in the corner. He locks the door behind him and lets go completely.

The tears start running down his cheeks like waterfalls and he can taste the saltiness of them mixed with some snot. He sobs his heart out and hopes that no one will hear him, but he knows that anyone who walks into the restroom right now would be able to hear it.

Heeseung slides down the door to the floor. Luckily they cleaned everything before the event, but even if they didn't, Heeseung wouldn't have cared. His legs feel too heavy for him to keep standing and his body is shaking uncontrollably. The negative thoughts start flooding his mind again and he can't do anything to stop them. He thinks about high school, about the hospital, about all of the cruel people that have ever been in his life and the ones he still meets to this day. Everything is just... too much.

He's crying so much, but he doesn't miss when the door of the restroom opens and closes. He doesn't miss the smell of a fresh pinewood scent that starts to slowly morph into burning wood. He doesn't miss the knock on his stall door and the husky, yet soft voice from the person standing on the other side.

"Are you okay?"

Heeseung wipes his face with the sleeves of his flannel, but his face seems to stay wet. "I'm fine." He croaks out in a squeaky voice.

A short silence. Then the stranger walks away.

Heeseung starts calming himself down a bit, even though the thoughts are still running wild in his head. He needs to at least get out there again. He promised Sunghoon and Jake he'd at least try.

So Heeseung stands up, opens the stall door and walks up to the mirrors to check his face. He splashes some water in his face, hopes that will make him look somewhat better and thanks whatever god is out there that he chose to wear waterproof makeup that day. It's like he knew he was going to cry. His eyes are still a bit red, but he leaves anyway.

He sits down at an empty booth, right when the buzzer sounds. Another guy sits down in front of him and the world around them seems to slow down as Heeseung stares at him in awe.

The guy has curly black hair, cute cheeks that Heeseung wants to pinch, wears a pair of round glasses and has a comfy outfit on. It's just an oversized white sweater and a pair of baggy denim jeans, but he looks so good in it. He's buff, but not to the point where it's bad looking. Clearly an alpha, but the glasses and curly hair make him look softer. A bit nerdy, even. Also, Heeseung thought his own eyes were big, but this guy... he has the biggest dark brown boba eyes Heeseung has ever seen.

But most importantly, he notices the comforting pinewood scent, with a hint of burnt wood telling him the guy is feeling a bit nervous.

He opens his mouth, clearly wanting to say something, but closes it immediately, seemingly dismissing the thought. Heeseung fidgets with his hand under the table anxiously. Is his hair dishelved? Is his makeup smudged? Is he wearing his flannel insideout? Is this the guy who walked in on him crying and does he know it's him?

"I'm Chanyeol." The guy introduces himself with a cute, genuine smile.

"Heeseung." Heeseung says, quickly snapping out of his thoughts.

"You, uhm, you're cute. I really like your outfit." Chanyeol says, clearly nervous. "Sorry, I don't usually go to these kind of things. Sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable. I do really think you're pretty."

Heeseung feels a blush creep onto his cheeks and his shoulders feel a bit lighter all of a sudden. "Thanks. You're handsome too. Don't worry, I don't usually do this either. My friends own this cafe so I was basically forced to go."

Chanyeol chuckles. "That's nice of you. I'm here because my ex wouldn't stop nagging me about being single. He needs to get out there and I'm helping him because it isn't going to be me again."

Heeseung's eyes widen in surprise and he has no idea where it comes from, but he laughs. "You're still friends with your ex and you're now helping him with his love life? That's hilarious."

Chanyeol laughs as well. "It is! My sister always tells me I'm too nice for this world and I think I get it now."

The buzzer makes a noise again, but Heeseung doesn't really feel like getting up. By the looks of it, neither does Chanyeol. They look at each other and Heeseung smiles at him.

"We can, uhm, stay here and get to know each other?" Heeseung bites his lip nervously. "If that's okay with you?"

Chanyeol nods. "Sure! Do you have any pets?"

The question is so... simple and cute. Heeseung almost squeals. "No, but I want a dog, maybe. Or a cat. Or a hamster. If I could own one I'd want a red panda. Or a deer. What about you?"

"I have a dog called Zzar, she's named after Mozart. I also share another dog with my sister. His name is Toben, named after Beethoven. I'm quite a music nerd." Chanyeol's smile is huge as he talks about his dogs and Heeseung finds it quite endearing.

"What's your favourite movie?" Heeseung asks.

Chanyeol suddenly hides his face behind his hands, he seems really embarrassed. "Okay, I hope this isn't weird. Better now than later. I love Zootopia. Nick Wilde is my fictional character crush."

Heeseung laughs, but mostly because he finds it adorable that a tall alpha like Chanyeol loves Zootopia. It's kind of odd, but he finds comfort in it. "I mean, I like Toy Story and I have Toy Story figurines. You're not alone in this."

Chanyeol looks up at him. "Thank god. Uh, speaking of kids, do you ever want kids? You don't have to answer that question if it makes you feel uncomfortable."

Heeseung blushes. "It's okay. I just finished uni half a year ago, I'm renting an apartment and I got a job as a dance teacher at a dance academy. I think I'm not exactly ready yet, but..." He thinks about it for a second. "I do want kids. Not today, but maybe give it, like, a year or two for the baby fever to start. I want to meet the right person first."

Chanyeol's eyes grow comically wide, but the next thing he says is a bit less comical. "I- you're just out of uni? Oh my god, I'm 32 years old right now."

Heeseung's face falls at that, but he quickly collects himself and reminds himself he's not that young. "I'm 22 right now. I... took a little longer to enroll in uni."

"Nine years difference," Chanyeol says. "are you okay with that?"

"I mean, if- if we work out? If you want to try?" Heeseung chews on his lip and it almost starts bleeding.

Chanyeol nods carefully. "I- I guess so. I do want to get to know you better. I think you're great."

"And you're okay with me not wanting kids right now?" Heeseung asks, just to be sure. A lot of alphas often have the urge to breed the one they're in a relationship with immediately.

But Chanyeol smiles reassuringly. "It's fine, I first want to get to know the person I'm in a relationship with on a deeper level before I even think about kids."

Heeseung nods. "That's right."

And when the buzzer makes another sound, the two of them don't even hear it. They keep talking until Jake announces the end of the event. And most importantly, Heeseung crying in the bathroom doesn't come up in the conversation. Heeseung even forgets about it.

The first thing Heeseung notices is that he's thirsty. The second thing he notices is that he's hungry. The third thing he notices is that Chanyeol hands him a napkin with a number skribbled down on it.

"Hey, I have to go, but I want you to know that I had a lot of fun. I hope we can meet up sometime." He tells Heeseung with a bright smile.

"Me too," Heeseung says enthusiastically. "let's meet again soon."

Chanyeol leaves, along with another way shorter guy who Heeseung assumes is his ex. Heeseung kind of wants to leave too, but he knows Jake and Sunghoon are about to interrogate the fuck out of him, so he stays. He waits for Jake and Sunghoon to close up shop. Meanwhile, his thoughts drift to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol, the big strong alpha, who loves Zootopia (very specifically Nick Wilde), who has two dogs named after famous composers, who loves to write songs, who loves to sing, who has a degree in interior design. Chanyeol, who's so full of love he bought his sister a car and went speed-dating in support of his ex. Chanyeol, the guy with the dimples, the nerdy glasses, the pinchable cheeks, the floppy ears, the curly hair, but also the buff arms and definitely likes to go to the gym...

"So? How did it go for you?"

Heeseung snaps out of his thoughts. When did Jake and Sunghoon sit down in front of him?

"He's perfect." Heeseung blurts out a little too quickly.

"Who?!" Jake and Sunghoon yell in unison.

Heeseung's face turns so red it should actually be concerning. "Uhm, a guy."

"A guy who?!" Jake demands.

Heeseung shakes his head. "A guy named Chanyeol. He... he's so... perfect."

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow. "Where's the catch?"

Heeseung thinks for a while. The entire time he was talking to Chanyeol, he hasn't seen any red flags. He's pretty sure he was watching Chanyeol with heart eyes the entire time though, but still, there seemed to be nothing wrong with him. Yeah, he's friends with his ex, but he did seem to have set up some clear boundaries about not dating his ex again, so...

"There's no catch," Heeseung admits. "at least not from what I've seen. The guy likes Zootopia, what's not to love?"

"Hm, I think I've seen you talk to him for quite a while. At some point you just gave up switching booths. He looked pretty cute, is he an alpha?" Jake says.

Heeseung nods. "Yeah, he's so adorable. I got his number and we're both hoping to see each other again, so that's a good sign right?"

Jake smirks at him and claps his hands excitedly. "Yes! I'm so happy for you Hee!"

"Me too," Sunghoon says and Heeseung immediately feels a 'but' coming. "but if he ever hurts you... just know I'll call Jay and ask him to beat Chanyeol up."

Heeseung barks out a loud laugh. "Seriously? You can't do it yourself?"

Sunghoon huffs annoyedly. "I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it."

Heeseung smiles at his two friends. "Thanks, for everything."

Chapter Text

The first date has Heeseung almost shitting himself (and actually makes him vomit).

He hasn’t seen Chanyeol in person in 2 weeks, but they have been texting a lot. It’s about basic stuff mostly. What’s your favourite colour? How was your day? Where would you like to go on vacation one day? Stuff like that. Nothing too special. Just keeping it casual.

Chanyeol finally asked him out 2 days ago and promised Heeseung he would surprise him with a perfect first date. The problem is, Heeseung has no idea what to expect. Will Chanyeol take him to an expensive restaurant? Will they go to the movies? What if he proposes to Heeseung? Logically, that won’t happen. Heeseung knows that, but he’s so anxious the thought slipped through his mind instantly with a thousand other worst case scenarios.

The 2 days were spent in agony. Heeseung has gone shopping twice, because clearly once wasn't enough to calm his nerves. He thought of asking Jake or Sunghoon or both of them to come with him, he even considered asking Jungwon or Sunoo, but he decided to go alone. It’s better to freak out on your own than in company of your friends, right? He didn’t want to bother them.

So here Heeseung was, standing in front of everything he bought in those 2 days. It’s not a lot at all actually, he was able to contain himself, but still it was tough to choose. Casual? Sexy? Chique? What the fuck?

But it is Chanyeol. While everyone at the speed-dating event was dressed nice enough to impress, he was dressed in a sweater and a pair of jeans. It shouldn’t be this hard. Okay, a casual outfit it is then. But where would they end up at the end of the night? That thought makes Heeseung sick to his stomach and he actually has to throw up from the anxiety. What if Chanyeol wants to have sex on the first date? He's an alpha after all. But this is Chanyeol... Heeseung decides to wear some black lace panties underneath his black skinny jeans, just in case, but he's slightly positive nothing will happen. He finishes the outfit with a simple green T-shirt, a pair of black boots and, of course, a flannel. It should be good enough, right?

Getting ready actually takes him the whole afternoon. It takes clothing, hair, makeup and multiple breakdowns until he's good to go. Chanyeol finally picks him up at 18:00.

When Heeseung opens the door of his apartment, he's relieved to see Chanyeol also wearing a casual outfit. It's similar to Heeseung's, the colours are just different. Chanyeol also has a big smile on his face and he's carrying a box of chocolates, which he hands to Heeseung after greeting him. Heeseung thanks him and they are finally off to... wherever Chanyeol is taking him in his cool Mercedes-Benz G65 AMG. Heeseung thinks it's pretty hot actually. And when he sees Chanyeol actually driving, he's basically ice cream the way he melts at the sight. He does have to remind himself to calm the fuck down, he's not wearing scent blockers tonight.

"Where are we going?" Heeseung asks after a few small chats.

Chanyeol stops at a red light and quickly shoots a glance at Heeseung. "It's a surprise."

Heeseung bites his lip. "I have to be honest, I hope it's not a five-star restaurant somewhere in Dubai."

Chanyeol laughs at him and honestly, deserved. "Of course not! I think you're going to love this, don't worry. Has anyone ever taken you on a date like that?"

"No," Heeseung answers. "but a friend of mine has gone on a date like that."

Silence.

"Did it work?" Chanyeol asks.

"Those two have been married for 2 years now. I think it did." Heeseung answers, reminiscing Jungwon and Jay's crazy love story.

The two of them burst out laughing at that, but suddenly, Chanyeol turns serious just as he starts driving again. "Would it work for you?"

Heeseung rapidly shakes his head. "No, no, no. No. Absolutely not. I like dates where I feel no pressure. I want to feel comfortable."

"Noted, hopefully for future purposes," Chanyeol chuckles. "I'm the same. I think you will like this a lot. I promise it's nothing too big."

They drive around for 10 more minutes until Chanyeol pulls into the driveway of a house. It's not big, but enough for 1 or 2 people. Heeseung assumes it's Chanyeol's house and frowns in confusion. Does he have to be worried about getting kidnapped now? He's seen the movies. Is this the catch? He makes sure his shared location on Maps is turned on so Jake and Sunghoon can save him if he needs them to.

When they enter the house, there is some barking and Heeseung is reminded of the dogs. He only hears one of them though, so the other one is most likely at his sister's house.

"Don't worry, Zzar is small and acts like she owns the entire world," Chanyeoll informs him. "she won't bite you I promise. She's very cuddly. You can pick her up, but it's okay if you ignore her too."

Heeseung nods and hums in reply. They take off their shoes and walk further into the house. Zzar comes running to the both of them and greets them by jumping around and wagging her tail excitedly. They ignore her, mainly because Heeseung is more busy checking out the house. The living room is quite small and connected to the kitchen. There's a huge window though and only now Heeseung notices that the house kind of resembles a loft. When he looks up, he notices the bedroom and a closed off space, probably the bathroom. Everything is nicely decorated and makes Heeseung think that Chanyeol actually put that interior design degree to use.

"You have a nice place." Heeseung says while he's looking around.

"Thanks." Chanyeol smiles at him.

"So," Heeseung changes the subject. "what are we doing?"

"Well, I thought I'd keep it simple. Do you like tteokbeoki?" Chanyeol asks.

Heeseung nods. "Yeah."

"Great! My idea was to make tteokbeoki together and after dinner we could watch a movie on the couch. What do you say?" Chanyeol bites his lip and Heeseung knows he's pretty nervous about this.

But cooking tteokbeoki together and watching a movie on the couch? For a first date? Heeseung feels like a heavy weight has been taken off his shoulders.

"I love it, thank you." Heeseung says with a smile.

They start making tteokbeoki and Chanyeol is a little bit chatty. He tells Heeseung that this is kind of a family recipe and from there he talks about his family and a little bit about the time he still lived with his family. But Heeseung doesn't really mind. The more Chanyeol talks about himself, the less Heeseung has to talk about himself. It's nice, plus he gets to know Chanyeol better. It's clear to him that Chanyeol is usually more relaxed, but the fact that this is a date is making him a little nervous. His usual fresh pinewood scent turns into burnt wood. Heeseung sneakily tries to release some calming pheromones and it works. Chanyeol's scent eventually turns to fresh pinewood again and his tense shoulders seem to relax.

They set the table together too. Just a simple table for two, with a small candle in the middle. It's comfortable, romantic and kind of intimate. They eat in silence first. It's not that awkward actually, they're just enjoying each other's company and the delicious tteokbeoki. After a while, they eventually start talking. It's mostly just small talk about their daily lives, where they work and some silly questions about food preferences. They finish dinner pretty quickly with a simple dame blanche for dessert, made by Heeseung.

The dishes are left in the sink, followed by Chanyeol saying he'll do them later. Heeseung has to chuckle and ask him if he's actually going to do them. Chanyeol pinky promises he will.

The couch is really comfortable. It's soft and there are many blankets and pillows and Heeseung has to resist the urge to nest right then and there. There's a small distance between the two of them, reserved for Zzar to lie down and cuddle up to Heeseung's side. Meanwhile, Chanyeol is choosing a movie for them to watch on Netflix. It's so incredibly domestic and Heeseung can't stop his cherry scent from sweetening. He wants to crawl into the cushions of the couch, which smells a lot like fresh pinewood by the way, and never leave. He finds himself grabbing a blanket, throwing it over his body and brushing his cheeks against the fabric with eyes closed. What he doesn't see is Chanyeol stealing a glance at him and smiling at him lovingly.

Eventually, the movie starts. Heeseung kind of expected it to be Zootopia, but to his surprise it's Toy Story 1, his favourite comfort movie. It feels like he's at home, watching it all by himself. He gets completely absorbed into the story. Chanyeol doesn't say much during the movie, but he does let Heeseung explain everything about the characters and the lore. Heeseung hasn't talked this much since he entered Chanyeol's house and he's kind of embarrassed. He stops talking for a few minutes, but Chanyeol asks a question, just to assure Heeseung it's okay if he keeps talking about his favourite movie. Heeseung smiles widely at him and continues explaining everything. He doesn't spoil anything though! He wants to watch the other movies with Chanyeol too and wants it to be a full surprise, since Chanyeol hasn't seen the other movies yet (which, to be honest, is kind of a crime).

Before they know it, they're halfway through the second movie. It's actually dark outside, but it adds to the cosy vibe. Zzar is asleep by now, completely comfortable between the two humans. Heeseung still has a hand on her back from when he was petting her. Chanyeol slowly moves to grab his hand softly and Heeseung feels a blush creeping onto his cheeks. He has to mentally check that his heat will start in two weeks to assure himself it's not about to happen right now. He knows his cherry scent got sweeter, but Chanyeol doesn't say anything about it. The pinewood scent does get more prominent though.

Again, the night is full of surprises. This time, it's the fact that Chanyeol doesn't aggressively pick him up and drags him to his bedroom to have sex with him. No, they just watch the movie and hold hands. Heeseung doesn't know how, but Chanyeol is so... perfect, in so many ways. How is this man real? And how does he still have so much respect for an omega whose scent is sickenly sweet?

By the time the second movie ends, they kind of stop watching anything. Chanyeol grabs them both a glass of water and they just talk for a while. The dimmed lights, the darkness outside and the fact that they are only a small dog away from each other makes it so much more intimate and the conversations take a whole different turn too. Heeseung doesn't know how, but eventually they get to the topic of exes.

"I had this one ex, oh man," Chanyeol groans in frustration. "he was an asshole. I was in China for a year abroad during uni. We dated for, like, three months. I had to run away from him after that. Our relationship sucked, it was toxic and he kept cheating. It was really intense."

Heeseung frowns. "I'm assuming that was not your fault because you're literally so precious."

Chanyeol laughs. "You're right. He was the bad guy, I was just stupidly in love. Oh well, what do you expect from alphas?"

Heeseung's eyes widen in surprise, he definitely did not expect that. "You dated an alpha?"

"Yeah, fuck alpha pride and all that shit," Chanyeol says. "I actually dated alphas twice. Once that time in China and another from like four years ago here in Korea. The second alpha was pretty decent though. We still catch up every now and then when we see each other at the gym. I believe he's married to an omega now."

"Man, are you friends with all of your exes?" Heeseung chuckles nervously.

"Oh, don't worry!" Chanyeol smiles at him and Heeseung thinks he's met an angel. "I've only dated four guys. The one from China, the one I still see at the gym, the guy I took to the speed-dating event and another one, who I also don't speak to anymore. But he was the one who didn't want to be friends anymore and that's fine with me."

"You are so sweet, oh my god." Heeseung puts his hand on his heart and collapses forward dramatically.

Chanyeol laughs again. "You sound like my sister."

Heeseung giggles. "Sure."

Chanyeol doesn't immediately ask Heeseung about his exes, he just changes the topic to Heeseung's time at uni and they talk about that instead. Heeseung is so glad that Chanyeol doesn't ask about his love life immediately. Chanyeol gives him sort of a chance by starting about his uni life, but when Heeseung doesn't bring up his love life, Chanyeol seems to be fine with that too.

Because really, how embarrassing must it be to admit that you only had sex twice and never actually dated someone? If he doesn't have to talk about it, Heeseung would rather keep it a secret. The times he did have sex were only one night stands and the alphas told him to fuck off in the morning. He doesn't really want to talk about it with Chanyeol. Not yet.

They manage to talk until 23:00 and by then Heeseung almost falls asleep. Chanyeol notices this and offers to take him back home. Heeseung nods and smiles sheepishly.

Night drives are always Heeseung's favourites. He asks Chanyeol if they can take a different, longer route and he happily agrees. Chanyeol still seems to be full of energy. Heeseung thinks he's adorable. Chanyeol even shows him his favourite rock ballads and passes the aux to Heeseung to let him put on his favourite music as well. It's more r&b, but Chanyeol doesn't seem to mind at all. He even hums along with a couple of songs and Heeseung almost falls asleep again because of it.

They end up driving for an hour until they finally reach Heeseung's apartment building. Both of them step out of the car and Chanyeol walks Heeseung up to his apartment. They come to a stop in front of the door.

"We don't have to kiss if you don't want to, I'm okay with just a hug," Chanyeol looks at the floor shyly as he talks to Heeseung. "and I'd love to do this again, if you're cool with that."

Heeseung almost purrs at the politeness. He wants to drag Chanyeol into his bedroom and cuddle up to him, scent him and even kiss him until they fall asleep, but he doesn't say that out loud.

"I'd love that too. Thank you for tonight." Heeseung gives Chanyeol a quick peck on his cheek and he sees Chanyeol's cheeks turning even more red by the second.

"Good night, Heeseung."

"Good night, Chanyeol. Dream of me."

Heeseung doesn't even know where the flirty words came from, but when he steps inside of his apartment and closes the door behind him, he kind of wants to scream at himself.

And just as the door closes, reality hits him like the heaviest truck on earth.

His apartment is a mess, thanks to the breakdown(s) he had before Chanyeol picked him up. There are multiple messed up blankets and pillows around the living room. It looks like someone tried to build a pillow fort, but failed miserably. Or a really messy nest from a very distressed omega. Yeah, more like that. Heeseung knows the bedroom and bathroom look like that as well, but the bathroom is messy with clothes and towels. The kitchen is also a mess, mainly because amidst one of his breakdowns, Heeseung's hands got shaky and a glass of water fell onto the floor.

Heeseung wants to cry, so he does. He falls onto the blanket-covered floor in the living room and sobs his heart out. As if the messy nest wasn't enough to make him feel bad, he can physically feel the untouched panties he's wearing right now. He knows it's weird, he has worn them all night, but this is different. Chanyeol hasn't touched him, hasn't even looked at his private parts all night. Heeseung wonders if he left him feeling unsatisfied and he cries out. He feels like he failed as an omega, he failed to satisfy an alpha. He wants to rip the clothes off his body and almost does, but he stops himself and instead just grabs tightly onto the fabric. His breathing is so ragged because of the sobs that it feels like he's drowning and barely makes it back up to the surface. His face his wet, he's so sweaty his clothes stick to his body, his hands tingle and shake. Everything feels so, so wrong.

So the next morning, he doesn't call Jake and Sunghoon to rant about his lovely date. He calls Nishimura Riki instead.

When Riki comes over, the entire apartment immediately smells like cigarettes. Riki is a beta and doesn't naturally have a scent, but the cigarette smell makes up for it.

The scent is comforting to Heeseung, who collapses in Riki's arms as soon as the younger walks in. He feels stupid for it, but he cries again. It doesn't take as long as last night though and he finds himself sitting on the floor of the living room next to Riki in just a few minutes. Riki has an arm wrapped around his shoulders and tries to comfort him this way. It helps a little bit.

"So, what's wrong?" Riki asks.

Heeseung sniffles and his usual cherry scent smells absolutely rotten, he knows that. He's also still wearing the clothes he was wearing during the date, so he smells like pinewood and sweat as well. The mix is kind of disgusting and makes him want to throw up. Also, the apartment is still messy. Heeseung hasn't cleaned up and feels so embarrassed because of it.

"I went on a date yesterday." Heeseung mutters sadly.

Riki raises and eyebrow. "So? Was it that bad?"

Heeseung quickly shakes his head. "No, it was lovely. He was so amazing and so sweet and adorable. He- he accepts me, I think."

"Then why did you give me an emergency call this morning?" Riki asks dumbfounded.

"Because we didn't have sex and I feel like I failed as an omega." Heeseung manages to squeak out.

Riki sighs. "And you're feeling self-destructive."

"And I'm feeling self-destructive." Heeseung repeats after him.

"We've talked about this, Heeseung," Riki says and he sounds kind of defeated. "your sole purpose as an omega isn't to be bred and have an alpha's pups. You have an apartment, you have a degree, you have a job. You know you're doing well when it comes to all of that, why do you only seem to care about love these days?"

"I am so fucking lonely, Riki." Heeseung feels the tears fall down again.

"You have friends who you can call and they will come over immediately to cuddle with you and shower you with kisses, you know that." Riki tells him, but Heeseung feels so misunderstood.

"I want more than that," Heeseung whispers softly. "I want to come home and cuddle with my alpha on the couch. I want to have sex and feel loved. I want to be admired for who and what I am for once in my life. After everything, is that really too much to ask for?"

Riki shakes his head and looks away, but Heeseung notices his glossy eyes anyway. "You deserve to be loved and admired and so much more. You are so beautiful, Heeseung, you deserve better."

Riki opens his arms widely and Heeseung crawls onto his lap, where he cuddles up against Riki's chest and cries again. He's such an unstable crybaby, but Riki doesn't seem to mind. He cards his fingers through Heeseung's soft hair and whispers sweet-nothings in his ear to calm him down. After all, Riki has seen Heeseung in worse states.

You see, Riki is the only friend Heeseung made when he was at the hospital. Riki was there for a suicide attempt and barely made it our alive, but it turned out he suffered from anorexia as well. He looked kind of scary back then, with a long black lock in front of his eyes and he was very quiet. Others in the same unit would call him 'ghost' or 'emo', but Riki never cared about that. He and Heeseung shared a room together and quickly became friends after Heeseung had a breakdown about losing weight again. They helped each other a lot during their recoveries, both actually afraid of death and really wanting to get better. Riki just kind of stuck to Heeseung's side after that and they meet up every once in a while. But when one of them has an emergency, the other will show up at the front door in no-time. Riki's mental health is pretty stable nowadays, but sometimes Heeseung gives him a call.

Heeseung finds comfort in Riki and Riki finds comfort in Heeseung. Heeseung isn't sure if neither of them would still be there if it wasn't for them being friends.

He lets Riki stay for three days, until he finally feels safe enough to be alone. Riki helps him clean the apartment and re-build the nest in his bedroom. Usually, Heeseung would prefer to do it alone, but he trusts Riki enough to have him help out. The nest feels nice and good and the smell of cigarettes lingers in the fabrics a bit, thanks to Riki smoking one in his bedroom. Heeseung doesn't mind, the scent reminds him of Riki's presence and is actually really comforting.

Heeseung is a little bit sad when Riki leaves, but it's okay. He goes about his days and returns to normal life shortly after his hellish breakdown. He keeps contact with Chanyeol through texts and phone calls and suddenly life is good again.

Good enough, at least for now.

Chapter Text

Heeseung knows where all of his doubts and self-hatred come from, but sometimes it's tough to admit it.

The first time his alpha father punched him in the gut and told him that he wished he was an alpha, it brought tears to his eyes. The time when his omega mother told him he had to dress well so he could be bred by an alpha and give them their alpha grandson, his heart completely shattered. The bullying was only the cherry on top.

Heeseung doesn't really speak to his parents anymore, only when spoken to. His mother calls him from time to time and the call always ends the same way.

"Are you pregnant yet?"

Heeseung always hangs up before she can demand an answer. He doesn't get why she still tries, why she still has hope that he will someday give her and his father the perfect alpha they've always wanted.

This time, however, he hesitates.

"Why haven't you hung up yet?"

It's 08:15 in the morning. Heeseung isn't entirely awake and processing everything properly yet.

"I-" He tries to speak, but his mother is too fast.

"Lee Heeseung!" His mother screeches and it hurts his ears. "Are you pregnant? And you haven't told us anything? What is wrong with you!"

Heeseung sighs. "Mom, no-"

"We would like to meet the father. Is he a strong alpha? He has to be! How else would you be able to give us a strong alpha grandson?" His mother rants and Heeseung feels his stomach ache with anxiety. "I hope you did what I taught you to do. Lingerie, hips up and facing north during sex-"

"Mom!" Heeseung yells, voice breaking and his eyes full of tears. "Stop it! I'm not pregnant!"

There's a silence on the other end of the line and Heeseung just wants to break down on the spot. He isn't sure what's coming next. He should've hung up.

"Do you even care, Heeseung?" His mother asks in the most disappointed tone Heeseung has ever hurt and her words sting badly. "Do you even care about us? All those years we cared for you... why are you not giving back to us?"

Riki's voice enters Heeseung's head, telling him he doesn't owe his parents anything. He never asked to be born. But his mother's voice is way louder than Riki's.

"Maybe you should lose weight again. Just a little bit, so alphas will want to breed you and-"

The phone beeps three times.

Heeseung feels his cheeks getting wetter by the second and he's suddenly so, so tired. He's supposed to go to work today and after work he promised he would come to the café to help Jake with some decorations for their next event. He still needs to go grocery shopping as well. Let's not forget that he needs to bring his car in for maintenance.

But he doesn't do any of those things.

Heeseung turns off his phone completely and throws it in the drawer of his desk. He doesn't go to any of the things he had planned to go to today.

Instead, he puts on a pair of fishnets, the shortest black skirt he can find and a plain black croptop that showcases his slim waist. He tries his best not to cry when he puts on his make-up. A thick layer of concealer, blush, mascara, dark eyeshadow and some bright red lipstick. He finishes the look with a pair of old converse.

Heeseung looks at himself in the mirror once he's finished. He thinks of the guys he has tried to date. He thinks of Chanyeol and everyone he has ever dated. He thinks of Jake and Sunghoon. Jay and Jungwon. Sunoo. Riki.

But mostly, he thinks of the only two guys he's slept with. They were older than him by at least five years. He can still feel the phantom touch of their fingers linger on his skin. How one of them liked to grab his hair and roughly fucked his mouth. How the other liked to caress his cheeks and softly thrusted in and out of him.

Heeseung thinks of his parents. The bullies. The hospital. Riki, again.

He doesn't recognise the man who's looking back at him in the mirror. He feels like his body isn't his own. He's so far away from reality.

When Heeseung had just presented he used to have a bad coping mechanism whenever he was stressed. Well, he had multiple, but this one is still present to this day. When he first started doing this, when he still lived with his parents, he had no idea what was going on. Not even his omega mother knew what was happening. Everytime Heeseung was stressed, he would pull all of his clothes out of his closet and pull all of his blankets and pillows off his bed and throw them on the floor. He'd scatter them around his room angrily until he got tired. This could take the whole day if his mother or father didn't stop him from making a big mess.

When Heeseung was at the hospital, he attempted to get all of the blankets and pillows from other patients and the nurses had to stop him multiple times. His therapist eventually told him he was stress-nesting, which was actually a pretty dangerous thing to do since an omega in distress could attempt to suffocate themselves with the fabrics. His therapist adviced him not to do it anymore, but Heeseung can't stop the urges. He doesn't have that kind of self-control. His stress-nesting doesn't happen that often anymore, but there are times when the urges are present again.

This is one of those times.

Heeseung opens his closet and pulls all of the clothes out of there. Pants, skirts, underwear, t-shirts, flannels, jackets, everything. He doesn't even take the time to look at each item or to unfold it carefully. He just grabs them and yanks them out of the closet, only to throw them carelessly on the floor behind him. Tears are running down his face and he lets out frustrated high-pitched screams.

He moves onto his bed and takes everything off. Blankets, pillows and even the mattress cover isn't save. He takes the clean towels, dirty towels and dirty clothes out of the bathroom and throws them onto the pile in his bedroom as well. He scatters everything around the room until he can't see the floor anymore. But when he's done with the bathroom, he doesn't lie down in his nest to rest. No, he's far from done.

There's a cabinet in the small living room, one that has been gifted by Jake and Sunghoon when Heeseung moved into the apartment. All of the drawers are filled to the brim with blankets, meant for nesting during his heats. They're all folded neatly and stacked on top of each other to make it all fit perfectly.

Heeseung laughs like a maniac when he reaches the cabinet. His fingers graze over the beige wood of the drawers, as if he's mesmerised by the woodwork. He pulls the first drawer open. Red blankets, all of them in a different type of fabric, stare back at him. Satin, linen, silk, polyester and more. He likes the linen ones the most. Yeah, those are definitely his favourites.

Not a single inch of the floor is left uncovered by the end of the day. Even some of the couch cushions end up in the kitchen. Heeseung loses his shoes at some point. The whole house is covered in fabric and the toilet paper serves as decoration.

By the time Heeseung is done, he's sitting in front of the mirror in the living room. On the fabric-covered floor. With mascara running down his cheeks, lipstick smudged and hair a mess. He has a blanket clutched in his hands against his chest and he's panting, so exhausted he doesn't want to cry anymore.

"Help," he whispers softly, choking on the words between gasps. "I need help."

He still doesn't recognise the man in the mirror.

Heeseung lies face down on the thick pile of fabrics and screams into the blanket he's tightly holding onto. It's loud and he's so sure he's going to receive noise complaints next morning, but he doesn't really care right now.

And oh, his stomach is screaming too. He hasn't eaten today.

The screams seem to get even louder and he can't handle himself anymore.

It feels like hours are passing. Maybe they are, the sun is setting outside. One curtain is in the kitchen and another is in his bedroom. Somewhere. At least he has a nice view now. The clouds in the sky take on an orange and yellow hue. It will be dark soon.

Heeseung forces himself to get up. He manages to find his shoes, both hiding undearneath a few pillows in the bathroom. He puts them on, along with an oversized leather jacket, and drags himself outside. His car hasn't had any maintenance today, but fuck it. He was going for a drive. A long drive to nowhere in particular, no phone nearby.

It's getting darker and darker by the minute and the city lights are turning on one by one. Seoul is so pretty at night. Heeseung smiles to himself as he hears an old song from 1974 on the radio. Ain't no love in the heart of the city. How ironic. He feels a little crazy, like a wife who just murdered her husband's ex's child and is running from the crime scene. The only person he has murdered today is himself and all of the progress he's made.

He reaches a parking lot on the edge of a hill. It's near a supermarket, but the view of the city from the hill is great. He parks the car and gets out to lean on the hood of his car. He can still hear the music softly playing inside of his car since he left the window open. It's nice.

"You smell like shit," A low voice says behind him and Heeseung immediately turns around to see who's standing there. "like sweat and rotten cherries."

Heeseung should be scared, really, but he just rolls his eyes and looks away from the stranger. "Thanks."

The stranger walks up to him and leans against the hood of the car next to him. The man smells like fresh rain on an autumn evening, an alpha. Heeseung finds a little bit of comfort in it. This stranger could potentially be dangerous and Heeseung is out here almost sniffing this stranger's neck. He feels kind of embarrassed.

The stranger pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He lights a cigarette and stretches his arm out at Heeseung, the pack of cigarettes in his hand.

"Do you smoke?" He asks.

Heeseung doesn't really smoke. He doesn't have much self-control, but when it comes to smoking he's really good at self-control all of a sudden. He only smokes every once in a while, when things get really bad. He figures it's one of those nights, so he shrugs and takes a cigarette, lights it up and smokes it.

"My name is Sehun," the alpha says. "you're Heeseung, right?"

Heeseung's head shoots up and he looks at Sehun with wide eyes. "How- how do you know my name?"

Sehun chuckles. "I live nearby this supermarket and was about to get some groceries when I saw you standing here. I recognised you from the picture Chanyeol had shown me. He's my best friend."

Heeseung blushes, he doesn't exactly fail to realise that Chanyeol seems to talk about him to his friends. "Right, I wish we met differently."

"It's fine," Sehun assures him. "everyone has bad days. I won't tell Chanyeol. Don't worry."

It's Heeseung's turn to let out a chuckle. "What do you know about bad days?"

"My alpha boss took advantage of me and convinced me to bitch him in turn for a salary raise. The board found out he became an omega and fired him," Sehun laughs. "and then he proceeded to threaten me with a lawsuit if I didn't leave my job. I've been unemployed for months and can barely pay the bills now. What's your excuse?"

"My mother wants me to marry some dickhead alpha and get pregnant so she can have the perfect alpha grandson and act like it's the son she always wanted." Heeseung shakes his head disapprovingly. "I don't even want to get married right now."

"You sound like you need help." Sehun states.

"You too." Heeseung simply replies.

And before Heeseung knows it, Sehun's hand is softly caressing his thigh and he feels the fishnet rubbing against his skin.

"You're pretty," Sehun says as he throws his cigarette on the concrete and steps on it. "and self-destructive."

Heeseung nods. "That's a pretty accurate observation, I'd say."

Sehun hums and stands in front of Heeseung. His hands travel to Heeseung's waist and he holds him gently, like he's his lover and not just about to ask him to have a one night stand.

"Listen, here's what we're going to do," Sehun says as he cups Heeseung's cheeks with his hands and rubs his thumbs over the dried out mascara. "we are going to have sex in the backseat of your car, we'll do some grocery shopping, then I'll drive us to my house, I'll let you stay the night, let you have breakfast at my place, drive you to the nearest therapist where you'll get the help you need and we will never tell a single soul about this. Not even Chanyeol, I promise. Sounds like a plan?"

And Heeseung doesn't even take the time to really think about the offer, he just nods and mutters a quiet "yes". He lets his own cigarette fall to the ground and steps on it to make it stop burning. Then he feels a pair of lips roughly crashing onto his own. More teeth than tongue. Sehun's hands are everywhere, but so are Heeseung's. He's pulling at the alpha's hair and pulling at his black turtleneck.

They end up in the backseat of Heeseung's car in no-time, Sehun between his legs that fell open a little too easy. An old 90s grunge song is playing in the background, but Heeseung barely hears it over his own soft moans as Sehun rips parts of his fishnets and sucks a few hickies on the stretchmarks on his thighs. Heeseung can feel the skin burning beneath Sehun's lips and suddenly he's way too aware of his body, but Sehun muttering words like "beautiful" and "gorgeous" helps him get his mind off his body.

And then Sehun is pulling his fishnets and lace panties down. He leaves the skirt on, telling Heeseung how fucking sexy he looks in the barely covering piece of clothing. Heeseung moans at the praise. Sehun spits on his own fingers and suddenly Heeseung feels so full as Sehun pushes his fingers into his cunt. He hears Sehun growl lowly and there's a hand on Heeseung's stomach to keep him grounded. Heeseung is loud at first, but by the time Sehun is pulling his pants down and pushing his dick into him he's growing much more quiet. He's so far gone, almost disassociating for away from reality. Even as Sehun has an arm wrapped tightly around his waist and thrusts hard into him, he's barely there. He hears Sehun check in on him a few times and he only gives a small nod and a soft moan. Heeseung eventually squirts all over the place and some of it lands on Sehun's black turtleneck. Sehun comes inside of Heeseung, but doesn't knot him. Heeseung's omega is left disappointed and unsatisfied, but Heeseung knows that it's for his own good.

When they're done, they just lay there for a while. Sehun has pulled up his own jeans and Heeseung's panties and ruined fishnets and manhandled Heeseung so Heeseung could lie on top of him for a second. Heeseung does close his eyes and counts to ten a few times, just to come back to reality. His head is resting on Sehun's shoulder and Sehun's hand is running through his hair, fingers scratching his scalp in a comforting way. It's so... domestic, for some reason.

"I meant it when I told you you're pretty," Sehun whispers. "I hope you know that."

Heeseung feels a tear fall down his face involuntarily. "Thank you." He whispers back at Sehun.

They lie there for a few more minutes before Sehun wraps his arms around Heeseung's waist and finally sits up with Heeseung still on his lap. Heeseung wraps his arms around Sehun's neck and looks at him. He chuckles.

"What?" Sehun asks, dumbfounded.

Heeseung kisses him. "You look like shit too now."

"Have you seen yourself?" Sehun laughs. "Let's go to the supermarket. I still need to be able to feed you in the morning."

Heeseung's eyes grow wide and he gasps. "How can we go in there when we look like this?!"

Sehun smiles at him. "At this hour, there are only blackout drunks and crazy people at the store. It's my favourite time to go to the supermarket because it makes me feel a little less insane. Now I get to be the crazy person for once and I won't be alone."

"If I get groped you're going to have to fight for me," Heeseung deadpans. "I have no strength left after that."

Sehun nods. "Deal."

The two of them stumble out of the car and Sehun almost falls over. They make it to the store with a little more stumbling, but they get through grocery shopping without any issues. Heeseung feels like it's quite therapeutic actually, even if the people that are present look at them like they're terrifying zombies. Going to the grocery store while being covered in hickies and definitely smelling like sex isn't something he thought he'd ever be doing, but it has a domestic aspect to it that is almost comforting.

Sehun needs a few bottles of cheap wine, some cheese, milk and croissants. Heeseung first wonders how he can afford that and then asks him what all the wine and cheese is for. Sehun answers by wrapping his arm around Heeseung's waist and telling him his friends are coming over tomorrow night and he wants to make the impression that he's still got a job and that he's perfectly fine. Yeah, Chanyeol is coming too. But Heeseung feels like he won't have to worry about that. Sehun is someone who will keep his promise, he's sure of that.

Sehun drives them to his place in Heeseung's car, saying he'll get his own car from the parking lot tomorrow, and it turns out that his house is quite small. It has two small bedrooms, a tiny bathroom, a decently sized kitchen and a normal living room. There's also a dog called Vivi. What's with alpha's owning dogs these days? Do they have a soft spot after all?

Sehun shows Heeseung where the shower is, but Heeseung refuses the offer. "I can't look at myself in the mirror right now. If I'll do that I'll probably kill myself. I'll just put a towel on my pillow to keep it clean."

Sehun nods and asks no further questions. "Understood, want to help me put the groceries away then?"

Heeseung agrees to that. He helps Sehun put the groceries away and then kind of expects Sehun to shower or at least put on a pair of pyjamas, but Sehun doesn't do any of that. He just takes off his shoes and gets into bed. Heeseung doesn't question it and repeats Sehun's actions. He cuddles close to Sehun underneath the covers and Sehun holds him until they both fall asleep.

When morning comes, Heeseung wakes up with a heavy headache and his body in pain. Sehun has already gotten out of bed and Heeseung kind of expects the man to throw him out. But to his surprise, Sehun keeps his promise in the morning too. Heeseung goes downstairs and immediately he's bombarded by the smell of breakfast. He watches from the door to the kitchen as Sehun puts the last few things on the table. He only notices Heeseung once he's done.

"You look like shit." He simply says.

"Thanks," Heeseung whispers softly. "you too."

Even if Sehun has clearly already showered, he smiles at Heeseung. "Come sit down, I've warmed up the croissants already and they'll get cold quickly."

Heeseung and Sehun sit down and Heeseung takes a croissant. "Bon appétit, monsieur Sehun."

Sehun laughs. "Eat up, fucker."

Heeseung groans. "I should be saying that to you, you completely ruined my ass yesterday. You're lucky I'm too nice."

"You're perfect for Chanyeol then," Sehun says with a bright smile on his face. "you two are really good for each other."

Heeseung frowns and feels a pang of guilt in his chest. "I'm not good for him. I just- I cheated."

"You didn't," Sehun says quickly. "you two aren't official yet. Don't worry about it, I promise I'll never tell him about last night. I won't hold it against you either. I promise, Heeseung."

Heeseung feels tears sting in his eyes, but he swallows once and quickly takes a bite of his croissant. It tastes good, even without anything on it. It makes the guilt he's already feeling even worse, but he still eats. He knows he has to. He didn't eat yesterday and the hospital has scared him enough to get him some appetite.

"I'll take you to the therapist I've been to as well. She's really sweet and funny. I think you'll get along with her," Sehun says between bites. "thank god she accepts last minute appointments."

Oh shit. Yeah, he's supposed to see a therapist today. Oh fuck.

Heeseung finishes his croissant in three more fast bites and then shoots up from the table and runs as far away as he possibly can. He knows Sehun is right behind him, but he can still try. He's able to reach the car, but Sehun is already wrapping his arms around Heeseung's waits before he can actually attempt to enter the car, without the key, mind you.

Heeseung scratches Sehun's arms with his nails and tries to escape his grip, but Sehun isn't phased and doesn't budge. "Let me go! I don't want to see a therapist! I'm perfectly fine! See!"

Heeseung tries to kick Sehun but fails and Sehun sighs like a disappointed parents. "Oh shut up, you look like a mess. We're doing this, no matter how much you struggle."

Sehun drags him inside and forces him to finish his breakfast. It's quiet, but not awkward thankfully. After breakfast, Sehun drags Heeseung to the car and pushes him in the passenger's seat. Heeseung crosses his arms on his chest and huffs like a small annoyed child. Sehun sits in the driver's seat and takes a good look at Heeseung and manages to let out another dragged out dramatic sigh.

"You know it's for your own good," He lectures Heeseung. "you need this. I don't want you to kill yourself either."

Heeseung groans and looks out of the window, trying to ignore Sehun. Sehun turns the radio on and starts driving. A ten minute drive has never felt so long to Heeseung. His stomach feels uncomfortably full and he swears he's actually starting to feel sick. He's able to keep the vomit that's threatening to come up at bay though.

They eventually stop by a small building near the city centre of Seoul. There's a sign above the door that says "Kim's Mindful Mind" and Heeseung cringes. He really doesn't want to go inside. Luckily he has a few more minutes to mentally prepare himself as Sehun grabs his phone and puts his number on the list. He even goes as far as to add a stupid rain emoji behind his name. It's something alphas and omegas do to remember the scent of the people they're close with. Heeseung doesn't even consider Sehun an acquaintance, but after everything that happened he might as well call Sehun a best friend. Sehun knows one of Heeseung's darkest secrets, one he cries himself asleep to at night. He's seen Heeseung's body and touched him before Chanyeol did. Yeah, Sehun is pretty close.

"I've given you my phone number and texted my own number so I have your number as well," Sehun explains. "Mrs. Kim knows you're coming because I told her you'd come. I'll wait for her with you to make sure you'll actually go in. Then I'll call a taxi and go home. Don't worry, I won't steal your car."

Heeseung bites his lip nervously and is pretty sure the skin will break and bleed easily from how chapped they are. "Okay."

Sehun hesitates for a second, but then offers his pinky to Heeseung. "And for the last time, to make sure you'll actually believe my words, I swear I will never ever tell Chanyeol a single thing. I promise."

Heeseung grabs Sehun's pinky with his own. "I trust you with this."

"I promise." Sehun repeats for the last time.

They get out of the car and they walk into the building. Sehun waits for mrs. Kim with Heeseung and leaves as soon as she appears. He leaves with a taxi.

Heeseung feels incredibly alone all of a sudden, even with mrs. Kim right in front of him in her office. Still, he tries to talk. He tries to tell her everything from his parents to the hospital, the bullying, Riki, stress-nesting, his one night stands and Chanyeol. By the end of the session he's crying his eyes out and the leftover mascara reaches his neck at this point.

But Sehun?

He leaves Sehun out of it.

His lowest point doesn't need to be talked about. He'll carry that secret to the grave.

Chapter Text

Heeseung buys a Nintendo Switch.

You see, Heeseung talked to Mrs. Kim. At the end of the session, she asked him if he had any hobbies. He answered "dancing", but that didn't count since it was his work. He then realised he did not have any hobbies. Mrs. Kim advised him to look into a hobby he had always wanted to try out, purely to distract himself from the bad thoughts that plagued his mind. Something he had always wanted to try out? Gaming.

Heeseung starts with Animal Crossing, something really relaxing and fun to play. He doesn't want to get into the violent stuff right away, scared it will have a negative effect on him. So when he gets home after work and has eaten his dinner and finishes showering and a 5-step skincare routine, he plays Animal Crossing. On the couch, he connects his Switch to the TV and puts a bowl of popcorn next to him. He manages to stop himself from playing after a while so he can go to bed at a decent time, which is good. He's building a routine and it's keeping his mind off bad things for now.

As for the couch, and really the rest of his apartment, it's still a mess. Usually, you'd expect a therapist to tell you a clean room is a clear mind, but not Mrs. Kim. She told Heeseung to leave the stress-nest in his apartment. As long as the stress-nest is still there, he can't really do any stress-nesting for now. So yes, it's still a mess, but it's okay. Not really when he needs some specific clothes or towels and they're covered by other fabrics so it takes an hour to get to them. But yeah, it's fine.

All of this doesn't mean that Heeseung is magically getting better. Yes, it has some positive effects on him, but he's still not doing well. Negative thoughts are looming around every corner in his mind. If he accidentally breaks something he just falls to his knees and cries for a while. He thinks about how stupid he is and how useless he feels and he completely starts to spiral and then he feels guilty because why is he even crying this badly in the first place? He's a mess.

Even at work, Heeseung struggles to keep it together.

"Sweetie, you look stressed and you smell like shit. What's going on?" Sunoo asks when they're in the lunchroom, he's standing near the kitchenette and Heeseung is sitting at the table, lying his head on the table, groaning in frustration.

Heeseung feels tears burn in his eyes. Sunoo is only asking him a question, why does it hurt so much?

"I'm just tired." Heeseung mumbles.

He doesn't see Sunoo rolling his eyes at him, but he knows Sunoo is doing it. He has known the guy for a while now, since he started working at the dance studio half a year ago. He knows exactly when Sunoo is rolling his eyes at him because he thinks his answer is bullshit.

"Sure and I have a boyfriend. You're not just tired," Heeseung hears him sit down on the chair next to the one he's sitting on. "tell me what's wrong."

Heeseung tilts his head up to face Sunoo and sighs. "I'm just... not doing well lately."

Sunoo frowns in concern. "Why? I thought you were doing fine recently."

Heeseung shakes his head. He's not entirely sure what to tell Sunoo. Should he tell him about his dysphoria showing up again? About the loneliness, stress-nesting and depression? The speed-dating event at his friends' café? The date with Chanyeol 2 weeks ago? About his impromptu therapist appointment? Sehun? Well, no. Not Sehun.

Heeseung doesn't even realise he's tearing up until Sunoo tells him he's crying. "You're literally crying. Tell me. Now."

Heeseung wipes the tears off his cheeks, but it's no use because they keep falling. "I'm tired, I told you."

Sunoo pouts. "You're not okay, Heeseung."

Heeseung doesn't even have the energy to stand up and walk away from him. He just sits there, not answering Sunoo's questions and keeps staring at the wall instead. He wonders what Chanyeol is doing right now and even finds himself longing for the alpha. He wants nothing more than to be with him right now. So that's what he does. Heeseung fetches his phone from the pocket of his jeans and opens the chat with Chanyeol. He doesn't have any classes for the next hour anyway.

Heeseung:
hey, can you come to my workplace?

He receives multiple texts back almost immediately. It brings a smile to his face and suddenly he doesn't feel like crying anymore. He feels kind of stupid for breaking down over nothing in particular.

Chanyeol:
yes of course!! are you okay??
did something happen???
i'm getting in the car right now!!!

Heeseung:
i'm physically okay don't worry
i just wanna see you please

Chanyeol:
you're cute
i'm on my way
see you there!!

Heeseung finds Chanyeol admirable for the way he cares so much about the people he loves.

"Hello? Earth to Heeseung? Why the fuck are you smiling now? This is serious!" Sunoo complains dramatically as he grabs Heeseung's wrist and shakes it a little bit. "Why are you having such big mood swings? Oh my god don't tell me you're pregnant! I can't do that big project for SM Entertainment by myself! Don't you dare-"

"Kim Sunoo," Heeseung interrupts his colleague/friend and looks at him with a dead serious look on his face. "I'm not pregnant. Never tell me that again. I wouldn't dream of it right now."

"Okay," Sunoo simply says, but clearly expecting something more. "who are you texting?

Heeseung puts his phone down with the screen on the table. "No one."

"Clearly you were texting someone." Sunoo deadpans at him.

"And if I was? Then what?" Heeseung grins playfully.

"Well, whoever you were texting got you out of your little breakdown and made you smile," Sunoo explains. "if you have a boyfriend, tell me. You have to tell me. Omegas usually tell each other everything about relationships. It's omega-code."

"Fuck omega-code. That shit is from high school," Heeseung says. "and yeah, okay, I'm seeing a guy. But don't tell anyone, okay? It's quite new and we are taking it slow."

"Oh my god!" Sunoo claps his hands excitedly. "Who is it? Where does he live? Does he have a well-paying job? He's an alpha, right? You have to tell me everything! How many exes does he have? When did he-"

And suddenly Heeseung feels overwhelmed again. Don't get him wrong, Sunoo is one of his best friends, but sometimes the guy is just too much. He's incredibly nosy and once he knows something's wrong he doesn't know how to stop talking. It doesn't help that his peach scent is also sickenly sweet when he gets excited. And his voice takes on an insanely high pitch. He means well, Heeseung knows he does. Usually he'd put up with it. But right now he's feeling very vulnerable and on the verge of crying 24/7.

And then his phone rings. Apparently some time had passed.

Heeseung answers the call immediately when he sees the caller-ID. It's Chanyeol.

"Hey, I'm downstairs." He says and he sounds kind of rushed.

"Alright, I'll be right there." Heeseung says.

He hangs up and stands up from where he was sitting. He bites his lip as he carefully considers taking Sunoo with him, but eventually decides against it.

"I have to go meet someone. I'll be back for the next class, promise." He smiles at Sunoo, hoping it's convincing enough.

"Okay! Have fun I guess? But tell me everything when you get back!" Sunoo yells at Heeseung as he grabs his phone and his bag and rushes out of the room.

Heeseung doesn't even say goodbye. He only has Chanyeol on his mind at this point. He runs down the stairs and there he is, waiting for him with open arms.

"Chanyeol!" Heeseung yells and he runs towards the older man.

Chanyeol chuckles as he envelops Heeseung in a hug. "Hey."

But the chuckles disappear quickly when Heeseung's shoulder starts shaking and muffled sobs leave his mouth. Chanyeol's hug gets a little tighter and the pressure comforts Heeseung a lot, but he just needs to let it out for a moment.

"It's okay, take your time." Chanyeol whispers to him and Hesseung thinks to himself that he absolutely does not deserve this man.

He also thinks about the next class he's supposed to teach and can imagine Sunoo's scowl when he calls in sick and leaves him alone with the kids. But he's really not feeling well and he's sure that as soon as the kids excitedly enter the practice room, he'll cry in front of them and maybe even throw up. Everything is just too much to handle right now and he desperately needs a break from it all.

Heeseung pulls back a little and looks up at Chanyeol. "Can- can you take me home please? I want to go home."

Chanyeol nods and even though he's frowning in concern, he agrees and doesn't ask anything.

Heeseung is glad he took the bus this morning, so he doesn't have to worry about his car, which was finally brought in for maintenance anyway. Chanyeol drives them to Heeseung's apartment block and it's quiet. The radio isn't even turned on. It's tense, but Chanyeol is holding his hand and Heeseung can feel his thumb rubbing over his skin. It does bring some kind of comfort.

Heeseung doesn't forget to shoot Sunoo a quick text.

Heeseung:
going home
i'm feeling unwell

Sunoo:
okay seungie take care!
get well soon!

Heeseung:
thank you

Chanyeol pulls up into the driveway. They step out of the car and Heeseung grabs his hand again. The contact feels grounding and that's nice. Heeseung leads Chanyeol to his apartment and as he's about to open the door it suddenly hits him that Chanyeol is about to see his apartment. And he's also about to see the chaos that is his stress-nest.

He turns around to face him and bites his lip nervously. "Please don't judge me."

Chanyeol looks a little confused. "What? Why would I ever judge you?"

"Well..." Heeseung trails off.

He opens the door to the apartment and they're immediately met with blankets on the floor and a T-shirt hanging on a picture frame on the wall. This is only the small hallway, but the mess that Heeseung calls his living room is also very much visible from here.

They walk inside, Heeseung closes the door behind them and he immediately feels shame creep up his spine, on its way to his head. It's scary to let Chanyeol see all of this. As they enter the living room, he's so sure Chanyeol is going to run out of his apartment, block his phone number and never wants to see him again. Who would ever want an omega who's mentally ill and can barely live on their own? Why would Chanyeol want to deal with any of this? He should be with someone else! Someone way hotter than Heeseung! Someone who is actually capable of anything at all! An alpha like him can get anyone he wants! Fuck, why is he even sitting down on the couch? How is he this calm?!

"You're stress-nesting." Chanyeol states it as a fact.

Heeseung hangs his head in shame, not daring to look him in the eye, but there is no point in denying it when the evidence is right in front of him. "Yeah."

"Do you need help cleaning this up?" Chanyeol asks carefully.

Heeseung is confused now. Why would Chanyeol offer to help him clean the mess? He thinks back to the therapist and oh, his mind wanders off to Sehun once again.

"No, thank you," Heeseung declines the offer politely. "a therapist said I should leave it the way it is so I won't do it again."

"That's okay. What do you want to do?" Chanyeol asks and the simple question sounds so kind and caring that Heeseung kind of wants to start crying again.

"Can you just... hold me for a while?" Heeseung asks.

"Of course," Chanyeol spread his arms, inviting Heeseung for another hug. "come here."

Heeseung sits down on Chanyeol's lap, straddling his thighs. He's clinging onto Chanyeol like a baby koala does to its mother. Chanyeol has his arms wrapped around Heeseung tightly and tries to soothe him a little by slowly rocking back and forth. They sit like this for a while and it's so nice, Heeseung feels his eyelids getting heavy. He kind of wishes he could fall asleep like this, in Chanyeol's arms. However, it would be kind of embarrassing if he did.

"I met up with my friend, Sehun, recently." Chanyeol says after a long silence.

Although he says it very calmly, it's so loud to Heeseung that it sounds like a bomb being dropped. His heart beats faster in his chest and he wonders yet again if Chanyeol can hear it. His cherry scent rots once again.

"I asked him where he got those hickeys from. He said it was just some girl," Chanyeol continues and Heeseung tightens his own grip on Chanyeol's denim jacket. "I knew it wasn't just some girl. There was a hint of cherry everywhere in the house. I knew it would be a crazy coincidence, but I kind of guessed that it was you."

"I'm sorry." Heeseung's voice is barely audible and the words come out of his mouth a little trembled.

Even if Chanyeol hears it, he chooses to ignore it. "I asked Sehun. It took a little bit of convincing, but eventually he told me the whole story. He told me that I shouldn't tell you that I know what happened, but I thought that was unfair. I just want you to know that no matter how bad it gets, I hope you don't have to feel like you need to keep anything a secret from me."

Heeseung feels his heart sink and the tears well up again. "I'm sorry." He whispers, voice breaking.

"If you think I'll ever judge you, you're wrong. I think communication is important in a relationship, whether that be platonic or romantic. I want you to tell me if something's bothering you. You don't have to tell me immediately. Take your time, but I want you to eventually tell me so I can help you. I only mean well, I hope you know that," Chanyeol explains. "and regarding what happened with Sehun... I do want to talk to you about it sometime in the future, so I can understand why you did what you did. I do want you to know that we're okay, alright? And it's fine if you don't want to talk about it now. I know you're overwhelmed. I'm sorry I started talking about this just now, but I really wanted to tell you. Sorry."

"I'm sorry," Heeseung whispers again. "you deserve better."

"And we deserve each other, Heeseung," Chanyeol places a small kiss on Heeseung's forehead and Heeseung can't help but feel butterflies going crazy in his stomach, or is it nausea? "you deserve a loving boyfriend. Despite your issues, you really do. We all have our problems and that's okay. Doesn't mean we're unlovable."

"I was upset," Heeseung sniffles softly. "I had a call with my mom and it stressed me out so that's why my apartment is a mess. I had sex with Sehun because I was feeling self-destructive and it just..."

His thoughts trail off to Sehun. The car. The sex. The aftermath. Sunoo's words. And, oh.

Oh, fuck.

Heeseung feels vomit coming up his throat and he barely makes it to the kitchen in time to throw up in the trashcan. Chanyeol is not far behind him and kneels down next to him, running a comforting hand up and down his back, but it doesn't help. Heeseung empties his stomach entirely and when he's done his breathing speeds up and he's suddenly having a big panic attack. He's hugging his own stomach and he feels like he can't breathe. He's actually going to die. There's nothing around him to save him this time. Not even Chanyeol.

Heeseung tries to get his thoughts in line, but they're kind of all over the place. Sehun was not in rut. Heeseung was not in heat. Sehun didn't knot him, but he did come inside of him. He didn't wear a condom. Heeseung never took any birth control.

Despite Chanyeol trying to calm him down, Heeseung is standing up and stumbling towards his bathroom, praying to whatever god is out there that he has a random pregnancy test lying around. He opens every cabinet and throws out anything that's in the way of him finding a pregnancy test. Sadly, after one cabinet, two cabinets, three cabinets and the last cabinet, he doesn't find any tests. He pulls onto his own hair and collapses onto the floor. He feels so incredibly dizzy and it only adds to the already existing anxiety of being pregnant. Fuck, he can't be pregnant. Not with Sehun's child. He barely knows the man. He doesn't want to get pregnant. He's not even ready.

The dizziness eventually leads to Heeseung actually blacking out with no memory of being carried to bed and being tucked in carefully. He only wakes up at 19:00 and by then it's already dark outside. There's no one in his room. He gets out of bed and crawls across the floor towards the living room. He doesn't really trust his legs to work at the moment, scared of collapsing again.

Heeseung is surprised to find Chanyeol in the living room. He's still there, eating something from a take-out container. Chanyeol looks up at him and smiles softly.

"Are you feeling better?" He asks.

Heeseung looks at him, kind of dumbfounded. "Yeah, I'm- I guess I feel a little better."

Chanyeol grabs something from the plastic bag that's sitting on the coffee table. He pulls out a white and pink box and shows it to Heeseung. A pregnancy test.

"I kind of guessed you were looking for this," Chanyeol says sheepishly and a little blush appears on his cheeks. "if not, just forget I ever bought this for you."

Heeseung crawls his way towards Chanyeol and sits by his legs. He grabs the box from Chanyeol's hand and studies the packaging. He wonders how Chanyeol ever guessed he was looking for this, but to be honest, he probably let something slip during his breakdown that he himself was not entirely aware of.

"Thank you," Heeseung whispers. "thank you for this."