Archive of Our Own ^beta

The second Peter woke up on Saturday morning, he knew it was gonna be one of those days. Every single move made him feel like something was weighing him down, like his body was too heavy to even roll around to turn off his alarm.

It didn’t help that he was supposed to meet up with Ned and MJ in an hour, but he pushed himself up and got out of bed. Looking out of the window, he saw that the sky was just as grey as yesterday, but the wind had picked up. It was perfectly matching his mood.

After washing up and getting dressed as quickly as possible he stepped out to the kitchen where May greeted him with a cheery “Good Morning, Pete!”. He couldn’t bring up the energy to properly answer, much less have a whole conversation, so Peter just mumbled back a quiet “Morning”.

His aunt who had been facing the stove until then turned her head around and shot him a glance. “Bad morning?”, she asked in a warm tone and Peter nodded in agreement. May stepped over to brush his hair out of his face and engulfed him in a hug. “I gotta head off to work, but there’s some toast in the box and I made you hot chocolate. Take it easy today, will you, Sweetie?”

Peter nodded, catching one last hug and started making his breakfast while May left the apartment calling out “Have fun with Ned and MJ today!”.

He heard the door shut and was left alone again. Sighing, Peter tried to take a deep breath, which worked surprisingly well, being on a (mostly) self-prescribed binder break and all. Tape and his oldest sports bra really worked wonders on those days.

˚₊𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪₊˚

Half an hour later (yes, he took his time, sue him) he left the apartment. The leaves on the few trees in the street had already started turning red and orange and the wind brought a few raindrops here and there.

Not wanting to stay outside for too long, Peter picked up his pace towards the subway, even though he wasn’t looking forward to the masses of people travelling through New York City on weekends.

For some reason days like these made him especially sensitive to noise and touch, his senses heightened even more than usual. God bless his noise cancelling headphones, they really had saved him on more than one occasion. Turning his music up as he reached the station, he tried to drown the world out and focus on whatever song was playing.

The subway ride was fortunately very bearable, most people being attached to their phones and the only kid on the train was sleeping in a (honestly adorable) spiderman jumper. It was still odd to Peter, that some people were essentially wearing his merch, but it always filled him with a sense of pride anyway.

˚₊𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪₊˚

When he got off a few stations later, the rain had picked up and puddles started forming on the street. Disappointed, Peter stared down at his shoes. He loved them to death (or maybe he just hated buying new shoes or any kind of clothing for himself) and it had become very visible that their best days were over.

“Peter”, he heard someone shout and his head snapped up. His friends were standing across the street, Ned waving his hand. Peter crossed the street, feeling instantly better at the sight of familiar faces.

“Hey”, he smiled, slowly feeling his mood change.

“You good?”, MJ asked, frowning at him. He didn’t know what it was, but something on his face must’ve given away his current mood.

“Yea. Yea, I’m okay”, he answered, genuinely meaning it. Being around his people always made him feel a bit like nothing bad could ever happen to him. MJ grinned at him, seemingly relieved and the three took off.

It wasn’t often that they met up outside of someone’s apartment or the sandwich shop, but MJ had needed new paint, having recently picked up oil painting and Ned thought it was a good opportunity to get some new Lego.

There was also a slight possibility that they wanted Peter to see something different than the apartment and Stark Tower, knowing how he sometimes got when the days turned darker again.

Walking through the mall they picked up all the stuff they needed from several different stores and afterwards sat down to get some food.

MJ and Ned hurried off to use the toilet after that, but Peter just stayed at their seats. This day had been exhausting enough already, he didn’t want to deal with having to think about which toilet to use. He knew that he passed now, most of the time, since he had been on T for over 10 months, but he still got anxious about that part.

His phone vibrated, showing a message from MR. STARK.

Hey kid, are you still coming over later to work on the new technology for your suit? Tony

For a few seconds, Peter considered just saying no, and that he was sorry, but he couldn’t come in today, but working with Tony always made his day better.

yea, still coming

he answered, then set his phone down and letting out a sigh.

The guy at the table next to him eyed him suspiciously and Peter immediately wanted to crawl out his skin as the worst case scenarios sped through his head.

He probably thinks you’re a girl, he can definitely see it. Are you sure your chest isn’t too visible? Your weird technique doesn’t even really work. Fuck, next time you should just wear the tight binder again.

Peter cursed himself. He could feel the way his heart was starting to beat faster and his breath quickened. That ugly feeling in his stomach he had just gotten rid off reappeared ten times worse.

Okay, you’re overreacting, calm down. It doesn’t matter what some stranger thinks. Chill.

He was so lost in his head that he didn’t even realise his friends had come back, their sudden appearance scaring him. Peter tried not to let them see through him though and it seemed to work. Pushing the feelings down didn’t really however.

Picking his phone back up, he saw that Mr. Stark had told him that Happy would pick him up at his apartment in an hour.

“I gotta get back home for the Stark thing, guys”, he informed his friends.

“Dude, it’s Saturday, you know that right?” Ned didn’t seem too pleased.

“It’s not like it’s a weekday only job and you know that I do enjoy it, right?”, Peter tried defending himself. It came out a bit harsher than he wanted it to, having reached his limit.

“Sorry, I know that”, Ned sighed. “I just thought it might be good for you to catch a little break.”

Peter shook his head. Catching a break was exactly what he didn’t need today. Just suppressing all the bad thoughts until he found some distraction however sounded great. And Mr. Stark usually knew exactly how to deal with bad days without Peter needing to communicate too much.

The rain hadn’t toned down much when they left the mall, so they waved goodbye quickly, MJ shooting him one last concerned glance and went into different directions.

As Peter tried getting his headphones out of the backpack, while hurrying up to catch his train he didn’t watch where he was going, he stepped into a deep puddle, instant wetness flooding his shoe through the hole in the back.

“Fuck”, he quietly cursed. He should’ve just gotten new shoes, why was he always being so difficult.

Giving up on the headphones, he ran towards the station just fast enough to catch his train. Checking the time, he saw a new message.

Change of plan, Happy is picking you up at the station, he’s running some errands. Tony

So changing his socks was old news then. He was gonna survive a few more hours in those shoes, as long as he could just go home after and have a good cry about everything in his life.

˚₊𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪₊˚

“Hey Pete”, Mr. Stark was stood with his back to him as he walked into the lab. “You’re just in time, can you pass me that screwdriver please? And maybe get me some of that wire in the small blue bo-”, his eyes softened looking at Peter.

“One of those days, hm kid?” Peter nodded, keeping his eyes on the floor, too scared that he would just start crying if he looked into Tony’s eyes that were filled with understanding.

“What do you say, we finish this small thing here and then I get you some of the leftovers from lunch and we sit down and watch a movie?”

Every time he entered the lab, Peter was surprised how well Tony knew what to do and how to deal with him. Some quiet distraction was exactly what he needed.

“I think I might need dry socks first.”

˚₊𓆩༺🕷༻𓆪₊˚

They worked in silence for a while and with every passing minute, Peter felt more calm wash over him. He must’ve been one of the luckiest kids in the world, having a mentor who didn’t just understand what he was going through, but had also experienced it himself.

“We had rice and veggies with tofu for lunch, do you want some of that or should I head up a pizza?”, Tony asked once they left the lab and took the lift to the living room.

“I’ll take some of that rice veggie thing, thank you Mr. Stark”, Peter answered.

After a day like this, it was such a comforting food to eat and one of his favourite meals anyway.

He sat down on the couch with a blanket over himself while Tony got his food ready, feeling close to content for the first time that day.

“Do you want to talk about anything?”, Tony asked when he came back and sat down next to him, placing a plate in his lap.

He took some time to think about it and then said “How did you deal with not knowing if you passed or not? I sometimes feel like it’s easier to be called a girl by people I’m not out to than constantly questioning if strangers think I’m a guy. I always look at myself, searching for what it is that makes people take second glances.”

Peter felt tears welling up in his eyes, swallowing them down.”Sometimes it feels like all eyes are on me and I wish I could just stop existing.” He couldn’t stop the tears from falling now. “Today has just been so exhausting and I wish I knew tomorrow will be different, but it won’t be. What if it never changes?”, he looked at Tony with pleading eyes and his mentor smiled sadly at him.

“I promise you, it does get better. Some days, it feels like the sun will never come up again, right? Even I still have those days, but then I remember that I have Pepper next to me and the most amazing kid- the most amazing boy to mentor and the world gets a bit brighter again.” Tony reached over to Peter and ruffled his hair.

“We just gotta go day by day and concentrate on what makes you happy. And some day you will see, that without noticing it, the darkness disappeared.”

The kid nodded, taking the words in, seeming much calmer now.

“And until then”, the man beside him continued, “all you can do to feel better is getting a hug and knowing someone understands what you’re going through.”

He opened his arms and Peter craweled right into his embrace. “Thank you”, he murmured, letting Tony hold him tight until he felt like the weight of the day had slipped away from him.

“Anytime kid. We gotta stick together, don’t we?”, Tony smiled.

“Now how about we watch that show you told me about. What was it called again?”

“Political Animals!”, Peter answered excitedly, his eyes gaining back their happiness. “Can we also have chips and chocolate?”

“Now now, don’t overdo it”, Tony laughed.

(Of course, he still got up to grab every single snack they had in the kitchen.)