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Few months after the band fell apart Jon left Los Angeles to go back to Chicago.
“I’m going to be back soon, please don’t do anything stupid, yeah?” he said to Ryan who was sitting in one of the armchairs in their living room. He was staring at the wall and didn’t even acknowledge Jon closing the door behind himself.
Three days after Jon left Ryan packed his bag and booked the first flight to Las Vegas available.
His flight was supposed to leave from LAX at one pm but when he got to the airport at eleven with just one bag and his favorite guitar, it was already postponed because of bad weather. He sat down at his gate, pulled out a book out of his backpack and pretended reading a book with sunglasses on his face inside of a building in the middle of November wasn’t weird.
Minutes stretched into hours and his waiting was finally over, he could board the plane without any more time for second guessing his decision. He was sure going to Vegas wasn’t a great idea but he wanted to do it anyway.
After ten minutes on board he was cursing his morning self for booking economy class because he was scared of getting recognized. His ass was hurting and he couldn’t stretch his legs properly, the flight was only over an hour long but it still significantly soured his mood. He popped his earphones into his iPod with a sigh and leaned his head against the window, ignoring the person in the seat next to him.
His flight touched down in Las Vegas little after five in the afternoon and Ryan was already done with the whole trip. His whole body hurted and he was tired from sitting on LAX for five hours. Gathering all his stuff he went to catch the closest cab, he couldn’t wait to lay down.
The cab driver dropped him off in front of Spencer’s and he stood hesitantly on the front porch for a while. He suddenly became very interested in his sidekick that he wouldn’t have brought with himself if he wasn’t scared of Z, Jon or Alex coming to see him by themselves to make sure he’s alive. This way he could pretend he was in LA for a bit longer.
He finally gathered up the courage to ring the bell. He only had to ring it once and he could already hear commotion from inside the house. Slowly the door opened showing concerned Ginger.
“Hi mom,” Ryan said, feeling himself tear up already. She obviously wasn’t expecting any guests today, she was in a purple bathrobe and her hair were done up in curlers. Her hands were clearly shaking where she was holding the doorknob.
“What are you doing here Ryan?” she was trying not to cry too, he was happy he wasn’t the only one.
“I, I thought I could maybe stay here for a bit,” he says unsurely, watching the tips of his shoes rather than looking her in the eyes.
“Oh Ryan, baby, come inside please,” she turned away from the door and went inside the house clearly expecting him to follow her.
Ryan stepped inside the hall for the first time since last Christmas, which now felt like life times ago. Nothing in the house changed, he could still see pictures of the twins, him and Spencer and even a few of the two of them with Brent.
“Please come sit down with me,” Ginger called after him from the living room. She was sitting down on the sofa with two cups of coffee ready. He had to have stood in the door for longer than he thought.
“I thought you and,” she stops in her speech as if it's difficult for her to even think about it, “you and Spence aren’t talking.”
“I haven't heard from him since Cape Town,” Ryan sighs, “I tried calling him but it went straight to voicemail every time, he probably hasn't listened to those at all”
Ginger watched him while slowly sipping from her cup, waiting for him to go on.
“Jon left LA a few days ago, I couldn’t handle being there alone, I can't go outside without someone recognizing me and interrogating me about the band,” he stopped for a shaky inhale, “They apparently released a new song already, did you hear?”
She put her cup down on the table, “Of course I've heard, Spencer is my son, you leaving doesn’t mean his life suddenly stopped. The band is continuing on without you.”
“But they can’t do that, it’s MY band. We clearly agreed this was the end.” Ryan can feel the tears in his eyes again. Ginger moves closer to him on the couch, hugging him from the side. Ryan leans his head on her shoulder, she was so much shorter than him it would be comical if he wasn’t feeling like something inside him was dying.
“It’s not fair mom, we agreed this was it, the band was over! And now they’re recording again?” Ryan chokes out through sobs, “nobody even bothered to tell me, Pete hasn’t talked to me since February and Spence hasn’t called me in months. I had to find out from stupid MTV news,” Ginger kept gently petting his hair as he continued to sob.
“I think you should go lay down, baby, we can talk in the morning again,” she sighed.
Ryan sat up and started wiping the tears away from his face as if he suddenly realized this wasn’t how he wanted this visit to go at all. Ginger was probably having a nice day before he barged in on her unannounced.
“You will have to put your stuff in Spence’s room, the guest room hasn’t been cleaned since my sister visited this summer, we weren’t expecting anyone. I hope you won't mind.”
Ryan caught himself before groaning too loudly. He did mind, but you know don’t look gifted horses in the mouth.
He went up the stairs of the house he spent most of his teenage years at, feeling like a foreigner but nothing could have prepared him for entering Spencer’s room. It looked exactly like he remembered it, posters of their favorite bands turned friends and acquaintances all over the walls, Spencer’s stupid Star Wars themed bedding neatly made on his bed, his LEGO sets built and standing on the shelves. Ryan could feel his throat closing and the tears coming in again. He was tired after a whole day of traveling and months of stress over dealing with the band’s break up.
He knew his and Spencer’s relationship won’t ever be the same but he wanted to try and fix it so that Spence would at least call him sometimes. The pictures he was painting last year around this time about future together, moving in, maybe becoming dog dads like Brendon and Shane were, were long gone. Figuring out what is going on with him from Ginger was the first step he took. Of course he didn’t visit her just because of his own broken heart. She called him right after she got the news but he couldn’t imagine facing her then. Things have changed a lot in the past few months, Ryan could feel his last bits of sanity dissolving long before he left LA. He was allowed to miss Ginger too, even though she wasn’t his actual mom.
He laid down on his (Spencer’s) bed and looked over the entire room once more, remembering all the time he spent here with Spencer, sneaking in through the window, browsing live journal and practicing his guitar while Spencer worked on his homework when no one else was home to be annoyed by the noise.
—
Ryan woke up to Ginger gently knocking on the bedroom’s door.
“Ryan, sweetie, it’s almost time for lunch, could you join us downstairs?”
He was still mostly asleep when she talked and almost fell off the bed when he heard her say “us”. Immediately he realized she was probably referring to Jackie and Crystal who both recently graduated high school, and felt stupid.
He tried not looking like the world's biggest loser but he was about to have lunch with his childhood best friend/love of his life’s mom and younger sisters after not speaking to Spencer or them for months, so that was a futile endeavor.
The three of them were already sitting at a table in the kitchen and they stopped talking as soon as they heard him coming down the stairs.
“Good morning mom, hi Jackie and hi Crystal,” said Ryan lamely, trying to cover up how bad he was feeling about the entire situation. Nobody commented on his visage or unexpected visit and he took that as a good sign. Ginger greeted him in return and the twins stuck out their tongues and waggled their eyebrows at him. It was the first thing that made his lips twitch up into a shy smile in weeks. They ate their lunch in silence except for occasional remarks from the twins about their community college classes. The atmosphere was tense despite their tries at brightening it up. When they finished Ryan got up to clean the table but Ginger stopped him.
“Me and Ryan need to talk, girls, could you please clean the table? We will sit outside,” she said, not leaving any room for argument.
He followed her out on the patio, sitting down in a chair, pulling himself in to look as small as possible. He knew she was waiting for him to start talking.
“I am in love with him.” Ginger knew Ryan was gay since he was thirteen and he came running to her crying that his dad was going to kick him out.
“Brendon?”
“No.”
“Oh,” Ginger slumped down into her chair, she was ready to hear a lot but this wasn’t one of those things.
Her reaction made Ryan want to curl up into a ball and cry.
Ginger broke the silence this time, “Is that why you're here?”
“No, I mean- kind of… I hoped you could tell me how he is doing I guess, but I also missed you and all,” Ryan tried explaining himself.
“Ryan I can’t tell you what he is thinking, unfortunately I can’t read his mind but Spencer always adored you and I have known you since you were six years old and I have loved you like my own kid ever since and I can say with a clear heart there’s no other person I would want to see spending the rest of their life with my son than you,” she stopped her speech just to take a sip from her cup, “but I can’t fix whatever is going on in between the two of you right now, you have to that by yourself.”
Ryan jumped around her neck, sobbing, “Thank you, thank you so much mom.”
“Now let's get up, you can’t spend all your days here crying, we will do some work around the house for a bit, boy.”
Ryan spent the next few days helping Ginger and Jeff out with anything they needed, he found working helped him to keep his mind off of Spencer and all the other things that were waiting for him back in LA. No one noticed he wasn’t in the city yet, he liked to think it was because he was lucky, not because all his friends had more important matters to attend to than to worry about a washed up rock star.
He ate dinner with Ginger and Jeff and occasionally Jackie and Crystal, watched the evening news and talked to them until they went to sleep. Ryan himself didn’t sleep much, he couldn’t remember a time when he did. (When Spencer was there, next to him in a hotel room or above him in their bunks on the bus.) All around everybody behaved like everything was normal, if he squinted he could even believe it.
After they said their goodnight’s to each other Ryan went up to his room, he was slowly putting together a plan to get Spencer to be his friend again, he just had to work up the courage to actually call him and not just imagine how it might go. He knew they were on tour currently, in South America if he remembered correctly.
He couldn’t let him know he was in Vegas, much less that he was staying at the Smith’s, he had to play it cool, not like he spent the last 7 months rotting in bed, waiting for him to call back. He stopped trying to call first sometimes in mid July, not long after his and Jon’s departure from the band was officially announced. Now he was back again, holding his phone in his hands, staring at it as if it was going to make the decision for him.
Maybe calling Brendon first would be easier? He never had anything against him personally but every musical decision he made pissed him off. That feeling was mutual so Ryan guessed they didn’t have much to hold against each other but Spencer chose his side and Ryan had to admit he was jealous.
Ryan wasn’t sure Brendon wouldn't see his name show up on his phone and immediately run to tell Spencer but he decided it was worth the risk. With every ring coming out of his phone he was less sure of his decision.
Brendon didn’t pick up his call.
That happens sometimes, people are busy, maybe he doesn’t have his ringtone on (He always did in case his parents called, they never did.) or he doesn’t have a good reception wherever they’re staying.
He made himself put down the phone before he called Brendon again, or someone from the crew he knew they kept, he wasn’t as good at not following what was happening with the band as he pretended, or worst of all Spencer.
Ryan woke up to a message from Brendon, it said, “What the hell dude??? Y did you call me @ 2 am??? Call me at sum nrml time next time Bden”
He was so relieved he could cry, in his yesterday musings he didn’t think about time zones at all, maybe Brendon doesn’t hate him, and this can be fixed still. He checked the time he called Brendon at yesterday night, ten p.m.. Ryan is only four hours behind them, he can safely call him now and expect him to pick up.
Brendon picked up his call at a third ring, “Hey dude, what’s up with you?”
Ryan’s breath got stuck in his throat, calling him was a bad idea, “hey, I-, I missed you guys.”
“That's, I mean that’s great but well look, I had to hide in a bathroom just to take your call, Spence looks like he wants to kill you with his bare hands every time someone so much as mentions your name.”
Ryan could feel his throat drying up, every molecule of water in his body concentrating behind his closed eyelids. Brendon wasn’t saying anything on the other side of the phone, probably waiting for Ryan’s answer.
“Look I have to go, we have an interview in a bit and Zack is already looking for me, we can talk after I get back to LA” Brendon didn’t wait for his answer and ended the call.
Ryan let the phone fall beside him on the bed, pushing his nails into the skin of his palm to stop himself from crying. He never imagined living in a world where Spencer hated him. It was his biggest nightmare and alternative reality he never dared to think about.
His only chance now was fixing things with Brendon and hoping one day Spencer won’t mind being in the same room as him. Brendon didn’t sound like he hated his guts and even wanted to meet with him but that had one catch. Nobody knew he wasn’t in LA, much less where he actually was.
It took Ryan another three days before he caved and texted Brendon.
To Brendon, 8:46 am: Not in LA, staying @ Ginger’s, can’t meet.
He believed Brendon wouldn’t tell any of his friends, mostly because they didn’t like him very much. He turned his phone off immediately after and went on to help Ginger run errands around the town. When he remembered his phone it was already well into the afternoon and he had five missed calls from Brendon, none from Spencer, which he took as a good sign.
He reluctantly called him back.
“Are you crazy??? What are you going to do when he finds out???” Brendon started as he picked up the phone, not even greeting him.
“Woah, I would’ve texted you that sooner if I knew it was going to get you going like this.”
“Ryan this isn’t funny, what the hell were you thinking???”
“I missed my best friend and my mom you know, and one of them wouldn’t shut their door in my face,” Ryan said, feeling better about his decision to talk to Brendon.
“Okay so what’s your plan now genius? Be quick, I don’t have much time, Shane is holding Spencer from looking for me but I don’t know for how much longer he can do it.”
Ryan smiled at the mention of Shane, “I’m glad that at least someone’s relationship is going well, how’s my favorite girl doing?”
Brendon seemed to forget the reason he called in the first place at the first mention of his and Shane’s furry daughter, “Dylan is fine but she’s missing her dads, we had to leave her with Shane’s parents this time,”
He didn’t say anything to that, just let Brendon enjoy talking about his family with someone who was in on the secret. Brendon and Shane started going out around the same time as Ryan started dating Keltie, they even went on couple double dates, needless to say Brendon’s relationship lasted much longer than Ryan’s could, maybe because he was only in love with Shane.
“But back to why I called,” Brendon snapped back, maybe Ryan should’ve entertained conversation about Shane, “he’s going to visit Vegas sooner or later.”
Ryan ends the call. He doesn’t need to hear anyone criticizing his choices, even if they weren’t made with a clear head. The phone started ringing before he could manage to put it back on his bedside table. He didn't pick it up. Ryan ran a hand through his hair with a sigh, he could probably forget about Brendon helping him out. He hoped he wouldn't rat him out to Spencer after Ryan refused to cooperate.
He spent the next few days anxiously waiting for his phone to start ringing but it never did.
Every morning Ginger looked at him with sadness in her eyes. At first he was good at ignoring it but he was aware it was always there. It got too much too soon. He didn’t want her to pity him but he didn’t know how to fix this mess.
“You know, when you two were young, I always assumed your friendship was going to last forever… I couldn’t imagine the two of you ever being apart and now you aren’t even talking to each other. That broke my heart. Hearing you say that you love Spencer makes me hopeful again, you just have to make him talk to you.” Ginger proclaimed after they have been sitting in silence for the entirety of their meal.
“You think so? The last time we talked he looked like he never wanted to see me again.” he said not believing it.
“Ryan you have been friends for almost your whole lives, some stupid band can’t come in between you just like that.”
—
Ryan was aimlessly plucking at his guitar on Spencer’s bed when he got disturbed by someone raising their voice in the living room. He put his instrument away and slowly walked down the stairs to find out what was happening.
“What is he doing here? Why the hell would you let him stay in this house mom?” This voice definitely belonged to Spencer and he was probably talking about him.
“First of all watch your language mister and this is as much his place to stay as it is yours but if I knew you would be behaving like this I would have told him to stay elsewhere because no normal person would want to deal with this attitude of yours,” Ginger retaliated. She was being too nice to Ryan, he thought, still listening from behind the door.
They were definitely talking about him.
“Well it’s good Ryan isn’t a normal fucking person, he’s a nutcase who tried to ruin our band because of his huge ego,” that was everything Ryan needed to hear. He fled back to his room not realizing it was also Spencer’s room.
He started haphazardly throwing the stuff he brought here back into his suitcase, maybe he could slip out of the house without anyone noticing. He was in such a hurry he didn’t notice the doors opening behind him.
“What the hell are you doing in MY room?”
Ryan froze in place, of course Spencer came into HIS room after fighting with his mom.
“Well, mom-” Spencer connected his fist to Ryan’s face before he managed to finish his sentence.
“You always fucking do this, you quit the fucking band to go off and do coke with Alex and Z or whatever, you cry to my mom about how we excluded you from everything as if you weren’t constantly complaining about everything that being in Panic entailed,”
Ryan was clutching his bleeding nose and watching Spencer say everything he was holding in for the last six months.
“And then every time you called me it was only about you, you complaining how it’s OUR fault you didn’t read the fucking contract. Can you imagine how difficult it was to continue everything we already signed off on without you and Jon,” Ryan could sense Spencer hesitated a bit before continuing.
“Not to mention that I missed you, Ryan, you were my best friend my whole life and suddenly all I knew were the offhand tabloid articles about you on coke and you shit talking us in interviews,” there were tears in Spencer’s eyes threatening to spill over, “and now you’re here, thinking this will fix anything.”
“I- I am sorry, I don’t know what I thought.”
“That’s the thing Ryan you never do.”
“Look I wanted to see Mom and I hoped we could be friends again but I can see that won’t work so I am going to finish packing my shit and then I'll be out of here, okay?” Ryan knew when he was fighting a lost battle.
“That will probably be for the best,” Spencer said and left Ryan alone once again.
—
Ryan called Jon from the taxi that was taking him to the airport, the bruise under his eye turning purple.
“Hey Jon, I don't know if somebody hasn't told you already but I've been in Vegas since you left, visiting Ginger,” he waited for Jon to say anything but he didn’t.
“Spencer came home and I wasn’t ready for it,” Ryan gulped, “so yeah we had a fight and now I am coming back to LA,”
“I thought it was weird when you haven’t called me even once,” Jon started, “guess this explains it. From the sound of it I don’t even have to tell you what a stupid idea that was.”
“No, you really don’t have to Jon.” He could hear Jon hesitating before starting the next sentence.
“Listen I haven’t told anyone yet but me and Cassie got engaged a few days ago, I wanted to wait till I come back to LA to tell you but I’m telling you now so you would understand I really can’t come back right now. If it was any time else I would but I think Cassie would kill me,”
“Are you kidding?? And you really didn’t tell anyone? Not even Tom??” Jon giggled on the other side of the phone.
“I wanted it to be just me and her for a while, we don’t get to see each other much.”
“Jon I am so happy for you and I would never ask you to come back in a situation like this, don’t worry about me I’ll call Z or something. I always liked her better anyways,” he felt his lips tugging into a smile, Jon could always stop him from freaking out.
“Yeah I’m sure,” Jon laughed, “try calling her to come and pick you up the next time you’re puking your guts out at the club and she’s right next to you doing the same, but really I love you and would love to hear you mope about Spencer but I have to go, Cassie is waiting for me,”
“Go get ‘em tiger,” Ryan said and ended the call. He already felt a lot better and he hasn’t even left Vegas yet.
When Ryan arrived to his house in LA everything was as he left it. There were random things thrown all around his and Jon’s living room but he didn’t particularly feel like picking any of them up. He sat down on the sofa, put reruns of Criminal Minds on TV and called up Z. She could always make him get out of his head with her stupid antics. Before he knew it she was agreeing to coming over and watching stupid TV, she probably sensed he needed a shoulder to cry on. God he was so pathetic.
Z let herself in, almost all of their friends had their own key, and walked into the kitchen holding a bottle of Ryan’s favorite white wine and a box of tissues.
“You haven’t talked to me or any of our friends in weeks and now you’re here looking like someone died with a bruise the size of LA on your face. So what happened?” Z was staring at the sad state of affairs he and the rest of the house were in with one of her eyebrows elegantly raised so high it almost got lost in her hairline. She waited for an answer a bit but it soon became obvious Ryan wouldn't say anything so she disappeared into the kitchen to dig up an ice pack to lessen the swelling of Ryan’s cheek.
She plopped down next to Ryan, stretched her long legs onto his lap, handed him the ice pack and opened the bottle of wine without waiting for his answer. They watched Spencer Reid try to find a kidnapped six year old for 20 minutes, silently exchanging the bottle before either of them said another word.
“Is this how you treat your wife? I had to bring my own drinks, that I am sharing with you and you won’t even answer my question,” Z jokingly said but there was an undertone of real worry in it.
“He hates me now Z,”
“Spencer doesn’t hate you silly, anyone who has eyes can see that,”
“See, this is why I married you, you always know what I am talking about,” Ryan smiled lazily at her from behind the almost empty wine bottle, “but I am serious, he punched me in the face,” he said, motioning to the ice pack he was holding pressed against his face.
She raised her eyebrow again, “And when did he have the chance to do that?”
She grabbed the wine bottle and finished the rest of it. Considering their current situation she was sure they were going to need at least one more and went to search Ryan’s well stocked pantry.
Ryan’s cheeks flushed pink and he waited for her to come back, forgetting she didn't know about his disastrous trip to Vegas yet. After taking a few sips of the wine he dived into retelling Z everything that happened to him in the few weeks he was away.
"That's worse than I thought,” the expression on Z’s face slowly turned from questioning to bewildered and she moved her hand to Ryan’s hair, petting his head. He snuggled his head into the crook of her neck and let himself be comforted by her. Soon Z could feel her t-shirt becoming wet with Ryan’s tears.
“I don’t think I can ever fix this Z,” he said, his words muffled by her clothes, “he was so angry and he punched me and he was crying for fuck’s sake.”
“Well there’s no use crying over spilled milk, you’ve had a horrible few months if I’m being honest and you should just relax now, we can try to fix this mess you made in the morning,” she gently kissed his head and broke out of their hug. He slugged down on the sofa whilst she got up to pick up all the trash around them. She helped him into his bed and promised she would still be there when he woke up in the morning.
He woke up alone in his bedroom with a glass of water and a tylenol on the bedside table. Ryan thanked all the gods out there for having a friend like Z, his head hurt like a bitch from the hangover and all the crying. He drank the whole glass on his way to the bathroom, he could smell it has been a few days since he last showered.
The headache seemed to melt off of him with the hot water of the shower. He slowly walked into the living room where Z was already running around. She cooked him eggs and bacon that he wasn’t aware he had in his fridge and put on a pot of coffee. Ryan wondered how long it’s been in there. She smiled at him as he sat down at the table.
“I had to throw away a majority of everything you had in that fridge, sometimes I forgot you're even an adult. I’ll make a quick trip to the grocery store when you're finished eating,” her tone left no room for arguments so Ryan just nodded with his mouth full of eggs.
He finished quickly not wanting to keep her for long, he knew he couldn’t talk her out of seeing him as a helpless little duckling but at least he could make it shorter for her. She picked up his empty plate, downed the rest of his coffee and was walking out of the doors before he could do anything.
Now that he no longer felt like his head was going to kill him he could appreciate the way the sun rays spilled into the living room. It was a lazy morning and he had nothing to do for weeks to come, Alex had to wrap up recording with Phantom Planet before they could dive into recording of their own. He could afford some more laying around and self-pitying. Z didn’t mention anything about when she’ll be coming back so Ryan made himself comfortable on his couch, his mind set on continuing his Criminal Minds rewatch.
As he got up to put away his empty cup he heard someone impatiently pressing on the doorbell.
“You know you have a key right Z?” He called out as he walked towards the door. He opened the door without bothering to check who was behind them, Z’s hands were probably full of bags from her shopping trip and the more he made her wait the more annoyed she would be. But Z wasn’t the person standing there. Spencer was standing unsurely on the porch and watching his shoes while Ryan stared at him in shock. Spencer was preparing to say something but Ryan came out of his stupor and slammed the door closed. The doorbell started buzzing again before he even got the time to turn away from the door. He could hear Spencer saying something but he didn’t understand what it was. He slowly opened the door again.
“I thought we could maybe talk about what happened,” Spencer still wasn’t looking him in the eyes. Ryan wordlessly turned around and walked into the house, this time leaving the door open behind himself. He couldn’t find it in himself to turn around and check if Spencer had actually followed him inside.
He put another pot of coffee on the stove just to keep his hands busy.
“So what do you want?” He turned around to face Spencer.
“Z called me when you were in the shower and I caught the earliest plane. First of all I want to apologize for hitting you, I have no idea what I thought and I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve that,” Ryan absentmindedly touched his cheek, the purple of the bruise still evident.
“Maybe I did a little bit.”
“No, Ryan you didn’t I was angry at myself and took it out on you,” Spencer took a step towards him and cradled Ryan’s hand in his and gently stroked his cheek.
“I never should have done that and I don’t know how I can fix this,” Ryan was glad it wasn’t him who was tearing up for once. He knew what he was about to say wasn’t going to help but he needed to get it off his chest.
“I- I thought you hated me when I was leaving, I came back here and I was sure I ruined everything and there was no way you would ever want to talk to me again.”
“What?” Spencer let go of Ryan’s hand and took a step back, “You’re Ryan I could never hate you, even if we never spoke to each other again you would’ve still been my best friend. But you coming home and nobody telling me anything confused me so much, you’ve been confusing me so much like you never did before and it made me mad”
“Honestly I don't know what I was thinking when I went home… I guess I just wanted to go to a place that would help me clear my mind and your room always did that but then you weren't there and it didn't help at all and it made me even more confused,” Ryan couldn’t help the tears escaping his eyes, he could feel his resolve unraveling under Spencer’s gaze.
“I guess what I am trying to say is that I was really miserable and missed you a lot since you haven’t talked to me,” Ryan bit his lip nervously, “or since I haven’t talked to you, it doesn’t matter.
Spencer stepped into Ryan’s space again, “I thought you didn’t want to see me because of the band, I was giving you a space,” and there it was, the elephant in the room, THE band.
“That’s the thing, you never needed to give me a space, I needed space from Brendon and even Jon sometimes but never you. I didn’t know losing a band also meant losing a best friend,” they were standing less than a feet away from each other, them being almost off height allowing them to stare into each other’s eyes.
“Ryan you don’t understand me, I love you, I was so scared of losing you because of that so I wanted to get over you but I see I made you feel like I don’t care about you.”
Ryan’s breath caught in his throat and all his blood rushed to his head. He was so shocked he couldn’t move at all for a few seconds. When he came back to his senses he grabbed Spencer’s shirt and suddenly his lips were on Spencer’s moving against each other gently.
Spencer moved away from the kiss after a few seconds, staring in awe at Ryan.
“What? Are you surprised? You’re Spencer , how could I not be in love with you?”
Spencer’s face mirrored Ryan’s from a few seconds ago. Ryan let him enjoy the surprise a bit more and kissed him again.
“I love you so much and I always have you can’t even imagine but I am kind of exhausted and I bet you're too from the flight and we have so much more to talk about so why don’t we take a nap,” Ryan walked over to the couch and made grabby hands at Spencer. Spencer smiled at him like he was made out of rainbows and puppies and laid down with him, working one of his legs in between Ryan’s and throwing his arm around his waist.
Things were far from being perfect but that had to wait because for now they were drifting off into sleep in each other's arms on Ryan’s uncomfortable couch.