Chapter Text
„It was all in the name of love,
The name of loooove...”
The closer he was to the first floor practice room, the louder were sounds attacking his ears. He remebered that song too well. The feeling of pride when Jimin danced at the front of other famous idols with his perfect posture and sharp moves, the moment of ethernal glory. All members were cheering him loud, knowing how nerve-wrecking was this experience for him and how this cocky smile at the beginning of the performance was covering his fear. Obviously, it was great success, widely appreciate even months after the event, cause it is Park Jimin we’re talking about!
But this song was also more than that. When he closed his eyes he could see Hoba dancing to it in the middle of cluttered living room in their old dorms. Jungkook and Tea would be clapping and trying to follow while Jimin would crouching behind the table, covering his mouth and laughing silly. The rest would watch them fondly, knowing perfectly well that quiet time was actually a short supply at this place.
All those memories were playing in front of his eyes when he was opening the door and poking his head to the spacious dance studio where J-Hope could be found whenever he was working with yet another group of Hybe trainees. Namjoon knew that these past few weeks were rather hard time for him, with preparing one of his students to important national dance competition finals and also another performance evaluation of the trainees before the new group will debut in the end of the year. He himself wasn’t that busy, although him and Yoongi has already started mastering some new editions of songs for upcoming season of award shows.
Making a little step inside the dance studio, Namjoon absorbed the scent of sweat and angry pheromones that he still remebered to well. It was never his favourite place, to say the truth. He used to hate or, at least strongly dislike, the long hours he spent there, mastering something he was never really good at. After the right amount of practice he was a decent part of their dance routines and ARMYs fought tooth and claw with anybody who would try to make fun of his dance skills, but still… He somehow always ended up scolded by their strict dance leader and choreographers or tripping over someone’s foot, arm, or at least his own two legs. It was really hurting his pride back then but, in the end, it was certainly worth it. What they created together was worth every last tear, every drop of sweat that he left in similar rooms over the years.
Luckily, nowadays, he was only a visitor here and he could shamelessly admire other people incredible talent and hard work from the safe distance. Truth to this words Namjoon leaned against the door watching carefully the pair of dancers, moving their bodies in sync in the middle of the room. They haven’t noticed his presence yet, focused only on those little sparks running through their skin whenever their bodies pressed every now and then. Lost in all those little touches and captivating gazes, they forgot the whole world and it was so utterly beautiful that Namjoon could only stare in awe, not daring to move an inch. Even when the music finally stopped they weren’t able to separate, basking in afterglow of emotional tornado still running through their hearts. It was Hobi who startled first, hearing clapping coming from the studio opened door. He turned them around, away from the long mirros filling the wall at the front of the room, took the girl’s hand and pulled them both for a crooked bow in front of their one man audience.
- ”Aish! Joon?! How long are you spying on us, hmm?” – both of the dancers looked a little bit embarasseed after getting caught in such an intimate moment.
- „Enough to snap some incriminating pictures” – Namjoon smirked waving the phone he was holding in his free hand – „you can thank me later…”
- „Brat! I’m gonna tell Yoongi on you or… worse… Jin!” – Hobi tried to pout but his beautiful, heartshaped smile was poking out and it was so oddly appealing combination that Namjoon couldn’t help but laugh loudly, dimples on full display, making the female dancer giggle sweetly. Hobi was right calling her Tinkerbell sometimes, cause that’s exactly how her little laugh sounded like.
- „Feel free to try... Jin can do some long distance scolding at most and as for Yoongi… I’m currently his favourite, so…”
- „You’re always his favourite” – the dancer rolled his eyes, letting out dramatic sigh – „although… I heard that he has a soft spot for some aspiring teenage rappers now…” - he gave him a pointed look drying his sweaty hair with small gym towel – „By the way, I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there, on our last get together, to hear about all of it. Jin threatened me that he will fly himself to Seoul only to lecture me in person if I try to cancel my presence at national dance competition because of it” - Hobi smiled apologetically. It was really hard choice for him since they promised each other that there is nothing more important than their time together and being there for Namjoon. It was almost sacred and being force to miss it was really a bitter pill for him.
- „It’s OK” – Namjoon shook his head giggling when picture of puoting Jin, scolding bubbly Hoseok and rushing back to catch another flight back to USA, suddenly popped in his mind – „And for the record, I would kidnap you and drag you there myself if so even try to miss the finals, so it’s good that Jin took the bad cop part this time.”
- „With all due respect, Joon, but you couldn’t play a bad cop for shit, even as our leader” - Hoseok laughed wholeheartedly, throwing his head back and clenching his hands at the edge of the towel hanging over his neck.
- „Maybe that’s the secret of me being the best leader in kpop history” – Namjoon arched one of his brows – „but seriously, with everything what’s happening in our lives right now… I think we should reconsider the idea of our monthly gatherings. Maybe we don’t need it to happen that often anymore and I was thinking… maybe we could start inviting people who root for us every day, you know, the one so important for us” – he winked to the girl who was standing behind the dancer, watching fondly their little banter, earning wide grin in response to his last words.
- „I guess that could be arranged, but you have to properly talk to the rest. I don’t want any more kdrama scenes in the middle of your living room. I know we’re friends with phenomenal, awarded actors but seriously…” - Hobi wrinkled his nose with pretending disgust, just to melt in this sweet, radiant smile after following his friend gaze towards the black haired beauty. The female dancer was indeed a vision with her rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes, making Hoseok chest fill with warmth and adoration.
- „I’m heading to shower now” – she moved slowly gathering her things to her small duffel bag – „you can start wrapping up here, Babe.”
- „Oh… You can stay, Nari” – Namjoon finally acknowledge that he might be interrupting something – „I was actually going home, but Yoongi told me you’re working here today, so... I thought, I’ll come by, just to say hello, but I really… don’t wonna be a bother, so…”
- „It’s fine, we’ve finished a while ago and we were just goofing around” – the girl gave them cheeky wink, turning to her dance partner and pecking his lips, watching the most beautiful smile bloomig across his face. – „I’ll be quick, Sweetie.”
- „Good, I could use some company tonight...” – Hobi answered with little kiss of his own.
The shamless flirt made Namjoon blush and cringe a bit. He was so happy for his firend, but this sharp pang of jealousy was hard to hide. He knew, he will never have something like that, not after everything what happened, not after he couldn’t be any kind of support for another person… Not mentioning his nosy friends treating him like naughty teenager most of the time.
- „Let me grab some water…” - Hobi’s voice got him out of this pity party he’s just thrown in his mind, just in time to let him sheepishly watch the dancer following his pretty girlfriend with shiny eyes, smirking at a little show she made, purposely swaying her hips in the most seductive way. When she left, he focused again at his best friend, gesturing at the long bench standing under one of the walls. Even at this moment, almost blinded with love and passion, the dancer remebered that Namjoon shouldn’t stand for such a long time, and rapper’s heart clenched at this simple gesture of authentic love and care.
- „So, tell me … how did it go?” – Hoseok sat next to him after turning off the equipement and putting the rest of his stuff to his fancy backpack – „boys gave me only some bits and pieces. I was supposed to beg you for the whole story as my punishment, since I left you all alone.”
- „Let me guess… you’re quoting Jiminie right now?”
- „Indeed, my dear friend” – both of them chuckled imagining fierce-looking Jimin, scolding Hoba for being so unreliable – „You should see this dramatic pout when I told him that my soloist was qualified for finals in annual national dance competition. He was puffing his chest with pride but only until he noticed when it’s gonna happen. Gosh, he’s such a drama queen!” – Hobi giggled pinching his nose – „He even had the audacity to suggest pulling out his idol card to change the date of the event. He was ridiculous, really! Anyway… please, please, help your old friend out of this misery! I’m literally dying to know what happened in your studio that day… Did Yoongi scared poor boys and their pretty teacher?” – Hoseok smirked, tilting his head, and Namjoon could only snort in response.
- „He certainly tried really hard, but it was hilarious to watch the boys winning him over. He even hugged one of them…”
- „He what now?!!!”
- „Yeah …” - Namjoon definitely loved shocked expression painted all over his friend’s face, feeling slightly disappointed that he couldn’t snap a picture of it for their group chat – „and he not only didn’t kill Ms Lee wtih his professional assassin’s glare, but also thanked her profusely.”
- „Oh my… should I start my prayers now? Is the world ending already?”
- „The one might expect that” – Namjoon tried to maintain serious look, only to burst out laughing once again – „it took Ms Lee admitting that he wrote her favourtie song to melt his heart, or at least make his persona less hostile...”
- „Uhu, exactly as expected” – Hobi joined him making the little choir of happy sounds bouncing between the walls of practie room – „if it is about music even Suga is ready to lower his head… but, seriously, all this drama and still Ms Lee, not even the first name basis?”
- „Hoba, you know it’s not like that!” – there was pretty pink shade at Namjoon’s cheeks right now, melting his friend’s heart – „she’s professionalist and so am I. We would never use those kids like that, but… I dunno… the way she is around them… You rarely meet people like that these days.”
- „Well.. we met our lucky seven, didn’t we? Beside…” - the dancer gently patted his friend’s tight – „Joon, do you know how long have we waited to hear those giggles of yours again? I just want more of it.”
- „Uhm.. about that…” - Namjoon was fidgeting with the carved ending of his cane – „I may or may not messaged her personally…” - he looked down, feeling of shame suddenly clouding his mind.
- „There you go!” – Hoseok sent him soft, reassuring smile – „Good for you, Joonie.”
- „Don’t say Yoongi, please! He would never let me drop it and I have to work with him ever day” – the rapper pleaded, already scared of all possible reactions he may earn from older rapper.
- „Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, but are you sure it’s safe? How much do you know about this woman?”
- „Hoba, it’s not like I’m suddenly trying to date her or something. You said it yourself, we’re not even at first name basis. She’s just different. She seems to really understand…”
- „Well, she’s professionalist, you said it yourself. You’re not the first disable person in her life” – Hoseok looked away, knowing that his friend’s face will twist uncomfortably because of the word he chose, but he had to make sure his friend knows the risk.
- „I know, I know Hobi and believe me I am as surprised as any of you with my feelings and actions this last weeks. Don’t forget I’ve met many professionalist so far, but none of them made me feel so... safe and … valuable. It’s something more than professional knowledge or just simple empahty. I can feel it…”
- „Joon…”
- „No, Hobi, listen” – Namjoon interrupted him with the stern look, clenching his jaw unconsciously – „I am telling you only because I know for a fact that you won’t give me a lecture like Yoongs or Jimin, and you won’t laugh and tease me like Kook or Tea. You were always encouraging me to go out int the world, to experience new stuff, to believe I still have a future... Could you, please, trust me? Just this once?”
Hoseok didn’t seem convinced, but you could see he’s not gonna dwell on the issue. He barely started to speak again when the door of the practice room opened and Nari rushed inside with her usual, wild smile, full of energy even after the day of intense practice. Namjoon couldn’t resist thinking how well those two worked together, with their bright smiles and determined, yet still optimistic personalities.
- „I’m ready, Babe” – Nari came closer looking around and double checking the state of the room – „I can keep Namjoon company if you won’t to shower too...”
- „It’s OK, I’ll take a shower at home” – Hoseok hated showering in this building what was another reminder of how unsafe they felt as idols, learning the hard way to avoid unecessary exposing themselves anywhere remotedly public – „and about our little chat, Joon… You know I’m on your side, ALWAYS, but... for the love of God, tell the rest when you’re ready, ok?! And... just so you know… if anything happens… if you decide to go for this frienship? Companionship? Whatever you call it… We want to meet her, PROPERLY, meet her. Are we clear?”
- „Hoba, you are aware I’m an adult, right?” – Namjoon had enough of this protective mode his friends turned on whenever someone throw the name of certain charity foundation and its CEO to any conversation – „Besides, aren’t you the one who was trying to set me up for a date before?”
- „Hell yeah! Even Yoon’s killer gaze wasn’t able to stop me! However…. One night stand wouldn’t bother me at all… This is something else though. You’re righ about it. It shows very clearly.”
- „Yah! You do realize that your girlfriend is listening to this?!” – the rapper choked a bit, utterly scandalized by his friend blatant remark and prominent smirk decorating his face – „I think I’ll better go already… Bye Nari! See you Hoba!” – he rushed to the door limping with red face and furrowed brows. Seriously, his friends always had to embarass him like that!
- „Is everything all right?” – Nari looked at her boyfriend not a bit surprised with the latest part of conversation, trying not to laugh so she wouldn’t upset his best friend leaving the room.
- „I guess” – Hoseok didn’t really know what to say, so he just shrugged his shoulders trying to gather all the necessary words – „I think I am still worried about him. He’s really better these days, but… you seriously have no idea how naive he could be sometimes. It is really unbelivable, considering him being one of the best leaders in kpop history… Plus, him and Yoongi were quite a pair back then! He always belived in people, while Yoongi … well he trusted no one, even us sometimes. They were like yin and yang, polar opposites that completed themselves endlessly...”
- „That might be a secret of your success, the way you all complete each other…” - Nari run her slender fingers through her boyfriend soft hair and cupped one of his cheeks, watching him lovingly – „but you know what? He looked pretty relaxed today and.. I don’t know… happy…? I know him long enough to see the change.”
- „Yeah” – Hoseok covered her hand with his own pressing both of them to his own cheek gently and kissing the inner part of her wrist – „and that is what scares me the most. Don’t get me wrong… It’s so good to see him like that, but… the way he speaks about this Ms Lee... It was so hard for him to open his heart even for us after the crush… We’re just scared he’ll trust too much and someone will hurt him. He really suffered enough…”
- „Hey, I know it’s not easy, but this is Kim Namjoon we’re talking about. He’s too smart for any kind of bullshit this woman can pull off so, don’t doubt that easy, Seokie…” - she climbed on her tippy toes and gently kissed the tip of his nose, giggling when his breath tickled her sensitive neck.
- „You think?”
- „I know! And it’s not like his hiding it… You can still be there for him.”
- „And you don’t mind?” – the dancers joined there bodies in sweet hug, Nari lying her head at her boyfriend’s broad chest, listening to the steday rythym of his heart, feeling so loved and protected – „You don’t mind me talking about him, caring for him, bringing him to our lives over and over again?”
- „O Honey, but I love it!” – pretty dancer tilted her head back to look at him with playfull glint in her eyes – „I absolutely adore the way you tend to you friend, cause I can see myself in the future, all grey, old and wrinkled with my my still pretty boy, holding my hand or gently brushing my hair, cause you don’t just leave people you love as used toys…”
- „Baby…” - hearing this cute, little confession, he almost choked on unshed tears gathering in the corner of his eyes, not finding the right words to express the love and appreciation filling his heart. So, instead looking for words, he caught her georgeous lips in searing kiss, holding her tight and puring all his admiration into it, not stopping until he left them both all flushed and breathless.
He was so lucky to meet that beauty in this very room almost a year ago. As one of the most talented female choreogpraphers, she was collaborating with Hoseok making choreo for one of the Hybe unique new groups, consisted of male and female soon-to-be-idols. In this case everything could go wrong, cause this idea still seemed to be a bit controversial for the industry they worked in and if there was any chance for this group to be successful, they needed absolutely flawless choreo, emphasizing the righ kind of chemistry between the members. So, there was no doubt that only the best of the best would work with them and, oh boy, work they did. The debut showcase for DILEMMA, cause that was the name of a new band, was the talk of the town long after the job was done and energetic, incredibly professional Cho Nari quickly earned her place in Hybe main dance studio and… Jung Hoseok heart. Currently they were even considering Nari joining his and Jimin’s dance studio and the future looked so bright for the both of them.
Nari became Hoseok’s dusk and dawn, his strenght and weakness, his everything. It ment the world to him that she accepted his connection to friends, especially Namjoon, and loved her endlessly for that. His comtitment could be hard to understand for someone outside their little family, although he was opened about it from the beginning, never hiding traumatic past he experienced and this terrible fear of losing his cherished friend once again.
Another hungry kiss interrupted the train of Hoseok’s thoughts and he could only gasp helplessly, moving his lips in familiar rhythym, baksing in the warmth of his precious girl. They both giggled when their lips separeted for a while, blushing and panting heavily, suddenly remebering how exposed they are, standing in the middle of this huge room, kissing each other sensless. Suddenly woken up from a trans, Nari playfully pecked her boyfriend’s lips once again, interwined their fingers and pulled him out of the dance studio. Obviously, he came back a minute later, jogging to their bags and jackets, lying on the floor in a messy pile, and switching off the light, before he closed the door of the room and once again took hand of the girl waiting for him outside.
They came out of the building and Hoseok stopped for a second tying the fluffy scarf around Nari’s neck, feeling the first cold creeping into windy autumn air. He definitely didn’t want her to get sick. Walking hand in hand to his car, he still couldn’t stop thinking about Namjoon, hoping that one day he will see his own hand entwined with another just like theirs right now and see his cheeks all flushed after teasing he’ll get from their dirty minded friends. He wished him that with all his heart, although it would be pretty scary to see him that vulnerable. Maybe the whole „Ms Lee situation” will let him open up more, maybe it actually is step in the right direction for him. For the first time since the accident, Namjoon made a move on his own, without constant nugging, heck, even against their better judgement. Even though Hoseok shared Yoongi’s or Jimin’s fear and protective attitude, he was also secretly so, so proud of his Joonie. He could sense some wind of change in their lives and couldn’t wait to experience all of this.
„The life is so good right now” he thought and, without any warning, pulled Nari straight into his embrance, squizing her waist under the light jacket and kissing tenderly the top of her head. Soon, sweet scent of her strawberry shampoo clouded his senses when she looked at him with those pretty, cheerful eyes, and offered him cute, pink lips, to kiss. They stumbled a bit and laughed into the dark space of the parkigng lot. Hoseok could imagine those rosy cheeks barely illuminated by his bedroom lamp and those pretty, slender hands in his spacious living room, cupping the mug full of hot cocoa, feeling his heart beating fast like it actually tried to free itself from his ribcage. He felt so happy right now that he almost started to cry on spot and he swore to any deity that was listening right now, that he’s gonna protect this little world of his own, people he loved, at any cost.
------------------------------------------------------
The poet
The weather is going to be much worse today.
Winter is coming too soon...
Don’t forget your scarf!
The bookwarm
You really do believe in all those weather forecasts…
or is it just your old bones’ wisdom?
The poet
And where did you get that idea from…
Your „oh so ambitious weekly readings”?
The bookwarm
Good guess :)
You see, not all of us are blessed enough
to stomach Murakami or Hoseung
on Friday evenings.
The poet
Just for your information… I am pouting right now.
It’s good no one can see me cause it’s not pretty :P
The bookwarm
Oh my...
Are you fishing for compliments, or what?
The poet
I would send you smiling face but…
The one in my phone doesn’t have dimples,
not mentioning the pout.
Anyway, seriously, don’t forget scarf and...
a hat either,
like yesterday…
I was worried you’ll get yourself sick.
The bookwarm
Aish, I took it off just to make a picture!
And really now, worried?! About me?!
I am the most responsible person you’ll ever meet.
It should be me worrying about you.
Remember how last week you went out in your slippers?
You almost gave your friend heart attack.
The poet
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I’m not telling you anything again!
You always use it against me!
………………..
The poet
Sorry, gotta go.
Send me a proof you wore a scarf!
Or else...
The bookwarm
You wish…
Better YOU send me some recommendation
Not too ambiotious though...
Weekend is too far away for that :)
Sara smiled sending the last message and put her phone on the kitchen counter. She took a sip from fancy orange cup, the cute present from one of her students who just got to know about her endless love for everything giving autumn vibes. Her face was serious though while she looked at their weekly schedule. It looked like she wasn’t assigned for foundation meetings this week, cause it was Nayoung turn.
According to the neatly made charts, hanging prettily on their fridge, next to holiday pictures and grocery lists, she was on phone calls and mails duty this week while Yuna took stocking groceries and cooking as her responsibility this time. There was also the special calendar chart where all their planned events for kids, who were staying under their charity care, were hand-written after fixing the date suitable for everyone, with the name of the person running this particular case and the contact number to the child caretaker. That way they always knew if they can actually take another case or when to plan next event. Of course they also had digital copy of the charts in their phones, but for Sara something was non-existence if it wasn’t on paper. They were operating like that for quite a while and it occured as really effective way to cope with responsibilities piling more and more each day...
Coming to their litte kitchenette for her daily dose of caffeine, Nayoung found her friend just like that, deep in thoughts, playing absentmindely with the loose strand of her hair, with furrowed brows and lips swollen from biting.
- „Earth to Sara” – she waved a hand in front of her firend’s face, chuckling a little when she caught her looking at her without a focus, like she was there only with her body, letting her mind wandering around. Not getting the expected reaction, she focused her own gaze at the charts bracing herself before taking a pick at all tasks Yuna planned for them this week. – „Who the hell invented Monday mornings?!” – she whined loudly, making one of her epic facepalms. Seriously, she was the only person known to Sara who brought to life all these stupid phrases straight from the poorly written fanfiction. She could literally roll her eyes, crack her bones or, like today really facepalm herself hard. It was always hilarious to watch and definitely helped Sara to get out of her mind enough to look at her friend with pretended irritation.
- „Yah! Don’t you dare to complain! You’ve just came back from weekend trip with your boyfriend!” – Sara playfully bumped their hips. She knew that her friends had loads of additional work because of her charity idea, but she would be definitely scolded harshly if she even tried to adress this issue once again. They were always stating that it’s their privilage to make these poor children happy and join Sara in constant challenges it brought into their lives.
- „Someone’s jealous, I see” – Nayoung winked snickering shamelessly – „If being whipped for a man is a crime, you’re guilty as charged, my dear. I saw you smiling to your phone again” – she smirked seeing her friend blushing furiously and hidding her phone in the back pocket of her jeans. However the damage was done, so she could only poke her tongue at nosy friend, being so done with her never-ending teasing, and run away to her room chased by the sound of her friend’s loud cackle.
Sara really started to regret telling her roomates about those little messages she exchanged with Namjoon. Obviously, it was the right thing to do, especially after pityfull breakdown following the first personal message from the producer. She made Yuna worried so hard, that she owe her the truth about her decisions no matter what. To be honest, she was terrified that her irreplacable friends, her beautiful chosen family, will judge her or discourage, cause Kim Namjoon aka RM was really the last person they would trust with their precious girl, but... no… actaully they were happy she came out of her shell even if only to send him some strange quotes from books or movies every now and then…, because that was exactly how it started.
After all this drama and a lot of initital hestitation, after letting Namjoon wait for good few days, she answered his message with the quote from one of her favourite authors.
Lee Sara
“Friendship is born at that moment when
one person says to another,
What! You too?
I thought I was the only one.'”
C.S. Lewis
It started just like that from random quotes or books and songs recommendations. They quickly recognized that their taste in art was a bit different but still they were eager to learn from each other and… about each other. Namjoon was never insistent and didn’t try to overhelm her, but you could feel how important was this contact for him. Day by day their messages started to be more personal. They soon started call each other by their first names and even invented funny nicknames for their litlle group chat. Sometimes they even send pictures from their daily adventures. Sara was rooting for Namjoon’s first lonly trips to grocery store while he was sending her tumb ups when she managed to bake cookies that weren’t burned or undercooked. They chatted about bits and pieces of their lives, but never crossed the invisible boundry of deeply personal stuff.
This was the most appealing part of their blooming friendship, the fact that they were blank pages for each other. They could sense their respective traumas, but as in some silent agreement, they never reached for painful memories, never touched scars carved in their hearts. They gave each other safe space where they could finally breath freely, without the burden of the past tainting any other relationship in their respective lives. They wanted it to last as long as only possible and that was the main reason they still didn’t see each other in person after their last meeting in Genius Lab, although they were chatting for months now. It was so easy to stay in safe zone of this random messages. It was also inevitabe that one day it will no longer be enough….
----------------------------------
It was more than three months of exchaning messages when everything started to change. The end of the year was as moody as both of them combined could only be. There were those dull, rainy days when Namjoon could feel the cold and the wind deep in his bones and his leg hurt so much that he asked his doctor to put him on stronger painkillers for the time being. There were also days full of sun shining straight to white streets, covered with snow and kids’ laugh, the days when he wanted to live again.
Unfortunately, today was one of those gloomy days, creeping sorrow and longing straight to Namjoon’s soul. There was no snow, only rain tapping out this strange rythym on windowsills. He was trying to write but his tired mind couldn’t find just the right combination of words. He took off glasses and rubbed the sleepy fog from his eyes. It’s time for a break…
Slowly streaching his sore muscles, especialy carefully with his bad leg, Namjoon stood up and took the empty glass to the kitchen. He filled it with water once again and swollowed the pill knowing to well that aching above his knee is bad omen and he probably will have another hard night ahead of him. Limping to the bedroom he put the box of pills next to his bed. Suddenly his phone started buzzing quietly, lightning up and showing incoming message, startling him since it was really definitely too late for any kind of conversation right now. Bangtan group chat was silent for at least an hour and his family preffered phone calls either way. As for Sara... She still maintained her distance although they became really close lately and he would lie if he said he wasn’t glad about that. Considering that, he was really shocked seeing familiar nickname popping up on his screen. Sitting himself at the edge of the bed, he unlocked the phone screen, his mind filled with all the worst scenarios...
The bookwarm
Have you ever though that song
can almost physically wound your heart?
The poet
?
The bookwarm
……………………….
The poet
I’m here, ok?
I’m right here.
The bookwarm
James Arthur. Train wreck.mp3
Namjoon closed his eyes listening to first sounds coming out of his phone speaker. They always did that… send a song or some cryptic quote when emotions were overhelming them, when it was too hard to talk it out. They did it before, they did it often, but never like that… He wanted to stand up and run to her, but instead he just sat there typing. It was all he could give right now and, please, please, let it be enough…
The poet
…………...
God…
I’m here.
Whatever hurts right now…
Whatever hurts that much...
I can’t take it from you
But I am here
In the other part of the town sad girl was staring at this message trying to calm her trembling lips down… It was the first time since meeting him when Sara wanted to forget the world and ask him to… what? Why did she even wrote to him in such a mindset? What was she looking for? She knew he will understand without a single word but what did it mean? This urge to share the burden with this particular man? She wanted him to rub her scars with his wise words and gentle smile. She wanted everything she could never have, everything she could never ask him for. She pressed the phone to her chest crying silently. So many years have passed and she still couldn’t forget… Today she had to bid farewell to yet another little life. It was path she’s chosen but it was still so hard… Nayoung came back home much sooner than expected with the sad news that she couldn’t set up the event because yet another beautiful and loved little life was snatched away before they made it on time. Another dream won’t be fullifled, lost in the eternity…
Sweet, lovely Chaewon died before she could take part in her first live football match where she was suppose to enter the pitch and kick the first ball. Local football club owner was really supportive with this idea and even promised to book the best place for Chaewon’s family in VIP area, so she would be comfortable with all the equipement she may needed and have the easy access to exit if needed. Nayoung was supposed to sort out final details today, but all she got was the empty bed and short information from hospice stuff that little girl died peacfuly in her sleep in eraly morning hours an her parents will contact the foundation whenever they are remotedly ready.
Hearing those cruel words Sara slid down the wall. She didn’t hear the scream coming out of her mouth, she didn’t feel gentle hands lifting her and she didn’t remeber the taste of sour pill and cold water running down her throat. She was falling rapidly until there was no more pain, no more sorrow…
She woke up in her room, with blinds shut and her favourite fluffy blanket around her waist. There was little plate and an empty glass on her nightstand. She knew it mens someone gave her emergency pills, used only when she was too far gone to deal with panick attack in traditional way. It had to be bad… She took the phone to check their group chat, but all she could actually do was to open her last message to Namjoon. She couldn’t explain it, but she knew he won’t ask, he won’t prey, he won’t suffocate her with questions and reassurances. Sara was so ashamed opening this particular chat and typing… It was like ultimate betrayal, but at this very moment Yuna’s worried look would literally kill her. It was so much easier that way. The first tear fell at the blanket and there was no turning back….
The poet
I am watching raindrops tapping on my window…
It’s so stupid.
Why do I feel like they are your tears?
Are you crying?
I’m not…
It’s just rain…
The bookwarm
I am
………..
…………
……………
trying not to.
I’m sorry.
The poet
Don’t be
Just…
I realized I can’t do this anymore.
I wonna be there.
Not as a shadow behind the phone screen
Sara?
Do you understand?
The bookwarm
Namjoon?
…………...
I like your shadow, you know?
It doesn’t scare me.
The poet
But it scares me sometimes.
That I stay like that
Only a shadow…
and I want to live
I want it so bad.
…………….
The poet
Hey…maybe...
Would you like to take a walk with me?
The trees are naked and exposed
But there is still this majestic beauty
among their branches...
The bookwarm
Why?
The poet
Just to feel it’s real.
Cause I am still here.
I want to stay
The bookwarm
No one stays...
…………………..
You told me we are never alone.
What if it’s not enough?
The poet
Maybe it’s not.
But it’s all we’ve got…
My shadow is longing for your light.
It knows, it will disappear then.
I think it’s ready.
Are you?
The bookwarm
…………………….
……………………….
There is a park close to your studio.
I used to come there to eat forbidden snacks
between my meetings.
There is this strange broken tree
that still doesn’t want to die.
Good place for our shadows to rest in peace.
The poet
Whenever you’re ready, my bookwarm.
The bookwarm
…………………….
Namjoon?
I know you listened to the song.
Tell me ….
Would you?
The poet
Would I?
What would I?
The bookwarm
Pull me out the train wreck...
The poet
I wish I could say yes, but...
I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
But I would stay…
I would be there.
Sometimes it’s all we can give.
The bookwarm
Sometimes it has to be enough…
Thank you.
The bookwarm
I guess we should get some sleep.
I don’t want to face Suga’s wrath.
Over and out.
The poet
Peaceful dreams, my bookwarm.
I’ll stay still.
Over and out.
----------------------------------------------
A few days later the weather changed again and it was really nice, with the sun reflection in the puddles and some birds chirpping loudly from afar. The park wasn’t as packed as usually in late afternoons. You could see few runners, almost each of them in warm hoodie, and few dog lovers, throwing sticks, not bothered by mud splashed around but their fluffy pets’ paws. The benches were wet after yesterday’s storm and the paths were full of puddles.
Actually it was the first day this week when the sun shone strongly enough to lure people out of their warm houses. Namjoon used to love his winter walks in almost empty parks but the last weather conditions were scaring him, responding so acurately to the storm in his heart. He knew he was the last person in this world that could actually give support to anyone. He knew he’s not good at this, he’s so lost himselft, but… he felt this strange urge to protect Sara from the world. He still didn’t know too much about her, but in between the lines of her smart remarks and funny jokes you could find kindness and vulnerability, and.. God, so much pain. That evening when she decided to leave the gate to her fragile soul ajar, he understood she became much more important to him than he could ever predict. He was surprised it didn’t scare him.
That is exactly how he found himself sitting in this particular park, on cold Sunday afternoon, with the thick blanket on wet bench under him, watching blonde woman, with beautiful big eyes coming trough the simple gate. She looked stunning in her emerald green coat and black boots shining in the sun, clutching umbrella in her hand and looking around helplessly. Namjoon stood up slowly, using his cane for support and waved with his free hand, pointing at two plastic cups of camomile tea standing ont he ground. He was awarded with timid smile when Sara came closer to him…
- „How crazy is that?!” – Sara looked at him with a bit of guilt in his eyes – „Is there a bodyguard behind the tree?”
- „Of course…. not” – Namjoon showed off his lovely dimples again and Sara’s heart melted. If she had any doubts before, they disappear already after the first look at this tall man in beanie and thick black coat who was currently trying to carefully manevre his leg to raise one of the cups from the ground. She bend down beating him to that, suddenly so close to his face and these georgeous dragon eyes… Sara grabbed the cups and straighten herslef up rapidly, taking one little step back, but Namjoon seemed to be oblivious to her sudden nervousness – „but there is Jiminie one phone call away, so no funny bussiness. Actually he’s coming for me later, so...” – Namjoon winked and laughed cause at this point both of them knew that angry Park Jimin can be much more terryfing than any bodyguard you can imagine - „I wasn’t sure if you’ll actually come though and I am happy you did. Look, I brought you a book… thought that if I am not shadow anymore, I can give you recommendation in flesh too.”
- „It’s good I can relay on your promises, poet” - Sara’s shy smile became brighter, and they both knew that she wasn’t talking only about the book. She looked at him with hope and took a deep breath before opening her mouth to speak again – „I told you, your shadow is not scary, so let me say good bye to it properly” - she unlocked her phone and typed some short message quickly, looking straight into Namjoon’s eyes while pressing send button. His phone buzzed instantly after this, so he pulled it out from his pocket…
The bookwarm
You have such a beautiful smile poet…
It’s a pleasure to see it again.
Stay, please.
Namjoon looked at her surprised, ready to type back, but he stopped in his track, locked the phone and hid it in the inner pocket of his long, black coat. His eyes never left Sara’s face when first words left his mouth.
- „I promised, didn’t I? Now lets go for a walk, just so you know I wasn’t lying a bit” – he took his own cup from Sara’s hands and let her hid the blanket in small backpack he was carrying on his back. He could sense that she doesn’t want to be touched, so he didn’t offer a hand, waving his cane in general direction of walking paths instead – „Come on we have to put our shadows to rest. You have to keep your part of bargain and take me to the infamous tree. Will you show the way?”