Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Noah-ya.”

“Junnie you see your punkass brother here? Why’d he think he’s so privileged? Having something like this, then trashing it. Ungrateful prick.”

“Han Noah.”

“I’m leaving.”

Bamby has been silent the whole time. He couldn’t move. He couldnt believe the person on the hospital bed is Do Eunho. He can’t believe the blood stained still on Yu Hamin’s pants and sweater is Do Eunho’s. He can’t believe he’s in the hospital because of this. 

Yet here they are.

Han Noah storms out of the ward, fuming, frown etched so deep. His smile turned upside down. 

Yu Hamin still hasn’t said a word. Silent in the brooding way that he is standing, loosely holding the bed rail, staring with empty eyes at an unconscious; quiet, Do Eunho.

Yejun glances at Hamin and Eunho back and forth. Trying to find words to say. Something really. 

He’s stuck in the middle. 

Bamby suddenly comes around, standing at the other side of the bed, opposite and right infront of Hamin. He stares at a sleeping Eunho. Looking serene in his rare quietude. The deepest rhythmic breathing he has seen on Eunho for quite some time. Having flashbacks of Eunho crying in his sleep when they slept over at each other’s houses. Pretending not to notice about it the next day, never mentioning like he didn’t hear Eunho wept. 

Bamby couldn’t believe it. 

“He’s gonna make it, right?”

Yejun flips his head towards Bamby, making eye contact, blue to glimmering pink. Yejun’s heart sinks a little to see such hopefulness in Bamby’s gaze. Bamby turns to sleeping Eunho, “He’s too much of a fool to be dead this early.” Bamby grips the bed rail. 

“Nobody is going anywhere. Not even the afterlife,” Yejun pauses, stepping in front of Hamin, “not in front of me.”

Hamin is the only person left, because he was the one who found Eunho in his bathroom, grey tiles covered in red. Hamin checked his kitchen to see he’s leaving the gas stove on. Hamin had to turn it off as fast as he can, open up the windows before he picks up Eunho to put them outside of the house before calling the ambulance.

The police questioned him, now the doctor needed him to stay. They already questioned the other members but Hamin was too much in a shock to even form a coherent sentence. 

He has calmed a little bit now, as much as he possibly could for a mental health check too. Hamin insists to stay with Eunho at his bed, and the nurses gladly let him. 

Noah is angry at him. Upset and probably even majorly disappointed in Hamin. Yejun says some encouraging words, but Hamin knows the sincerity behind it is as forced as the softening gaze he tries to show Hamin when he tries to comfort Hamin. Bamby was almost fully silent, not blaming anyone in particular except muttering how Eunho is a fool. Before he left, “No one is worth taking your own life, but maybe I’m wrong. A fool will always believe themselves more than others,” Bamby told him, not quite sure to whom he specifically saying it to, but Hamin can’t help but take it to heart a fragment of the statement. 

What else can Yu Hamin do? 

Would Eunho hate him even more knowing Hamin was the who found him, carried him down from his 11th apartment floor to the outside as they wait for their ambulance to arrive?

Was it something Hamin should do?

 Now that he think of it, he should have let the EMT do their job instead. Which Hamin technically did.

He’s not sure anymore. 

Will Eunho wake up and forget him?

What happens after he wakes up?

Hamin can’t help but get scared of that possibility.

Of being forgotten.

Yu Hamin has never acted like this before. Never in his life.

Meeting Do Eunho. It’s a first. It changes him. Changes his whole life. 

Changes Eunho’s life too.

Would he be on the hospital bed, with a second IV drip by his bed, a heart monitor pinching his middle finger, if he didn’t meet Yu Hamin?

Have Hamin irreparably changes his life so much so he’s close to even losing himself?

If the final act of love is letting go, then why did he choose to let go of himself instead?

Why didn’t he choose Yu Hamin? 

Hamin deserves it more than what Eunho had done to himself. 

The room is cold. The wall is painted a baby blue color. Sheets are white like the block out curtains by the window. It’s midnight, and Hamin couldn’t sleep. The air smells of disinfectant, rubber gloves, and linoleum. Beeping sounds from the heart monitor, aromatics from the humidifier, gentle glow from LED lights lined under an edge of the wall above the bed. Wheeled trays roll from the outside corridor, clicking sounds of the nurses shoes. 

Hamin is at wonder that they are at a point of affording a VIP room just for Eunho to sleep all alone, and it sickens Hamin to think Eunho would wake up to see Hamin first, and not some random stranger beside his bed. He would probably prefer a random stranger to share his bland hospital pudding with instead of opening his eyes to Hamin’s face.

Why else would he want to look at Hamin?

The reason he had chosen to let go of himself. What signs were there has Hamin left amiss?

What part of Hamin that was so trustful that Hamin didn’t expect Eunho would resort to something like this?

Hamin knew Eunho is a very sensitive person, more so than the other members. He remembers every hurt like it was an hour ago, every wound would be as vivid like the moment he got it. He chose to let it go each and every time.

Is the wound had been himself? To that point he is faulting himself? When he isn’t the one at fault, and in reality Hamin was the coward.

Is it crazy that Hamin still wants to stay in Eunho’s life after what he had done?

Hamin doesn’t remember passing out, but apparently he did. By Eunho’s bed, fingers selfishly interlaced with Eunho’s holding them close. 

Hamin is a deep sleeper, but the slight difference of the rhythm of Eunho’s breathing, a throat clear, groggy and confused, mumbling with great difficulty, “Ha… Haminnie?” 

Hamin perks up, both of his hands clasping Eunho’s weak one, “Hyung! Oh, hyung you’re awake!”

Hamin doesn’t hide the sheer relief washing over him. He stands up, placing a hand on Eunho’s shoulder to check on him, before reaching over to push the button to call for the nurse. 

“It’s okay, hyung, take it easy. You’re at the hospital right now, I’m here with you.” Hamin reassures, not even thinking, having half a mind himself, when he brushes over Eunho’s bangs to place a kiss on his forehead.

Eunho sighs when Hamin backs away a little. Eyes closed shut, savoring the lingering warmth left on his skin. A tug of a smile before he opens his pretty scarlet eyes to find Hamin who’s not taking his eyes away from Eunho, “Someone forgot to apply their lipbalm,” Eunho comments. Despite his sickly, pale face, a dimmer glint in his gleaming eyes, he’s still humorous; it makes Hamin conflicted whether to laugh or to cry. Hamin didn’t have the chance to do either when he has to take a step back as the nurses came in to check in Eunho, mentioning how the doctor oncall will be on their way to run some more assessments before giving a final say. 

When the nurse left, leaving the two men alone, even though one of them feels like a small 5 year old who has made a mistake of tripping another friend at a school playground; it didn’t seem like it when said 5 year old is cowering vehemently inside of a 6 foot, athletic body of a male homo sapiens with dark hair. 

What can Hamin say? The silence in the room after the nurse left is deafening. The cold not helping either. The atmosphere feels pressing, the air is thin, where breathing gas is scarce.

“I tried to kill myself, didn’t I… Bonggu must’ve said I’m a dumbass.”

Hamin turns to Eunho, the latter is scratching the back of his neck, guilt ridden smile making his mouth downturned. Then he suddenly chuckles, the saddest chuckle Hamin has ever heard coming out from someone so… undeserving of feeling that way, “It’s even more embarrassing it didn’t work.”

Should Hamin even say it? “I’m glad it didn’t.” He says it anyway.

Eunho doesn’t turn to him. “I’m not.”

What should Hamin even say to that? Of course. Of course that would be Eunho’s answer. Is Hamin stupid?

The air is still. Then the clacks of the oncall doctor came in. The worst eyebags Hamin has ever seen on a human being, ponytail clamped high on the back of their head. Yet a polite smile and a nod greets the both of them.

She runs some more assessment, double checking the IV and prescribing some medications and also a follow up appointment for Eunho. “You can be discharged after this last IV bag is done. I’ll come back in the morning to hand you the discharge form. For the time being, please stay comfortable and have some rest, Eunho-ssi,” she smiles to both Eunho and Hamin,  then left. There is a lot more that she had said, but Hamin processed the clearest about Eunho is able to discharge. He’s glad nothing more serious is happening. 

“…you should sleep Haminnie.” Eunho throws a glance at him, as he reaches for the abandoned pudding on his table bed. He pulls the moving platform close to his body.

Hamin stays quiet for a moment. Letting the sound of Eunho fiddling with the pudding fill the room. The flick of the cover opening. Aluminium top folding. A click and snap where he pulls the tiny plastic spoon from the pudding cover. 

Careful hands. Calculated care. Tired eyes.

“I can’t. Even more so now you’re awake.” Hamin says, taking a seat on the chair he had slept on prior. 

Hamin watches Eunho feeds himself. In the stillness of the moment, Eunho shuts his eyes, sighing in bliss. It’s mediocre at best, but it might be the tastiest thing he has ever eaten right now. And that much matters. 

“Is it good?” 

“Mhm.” 

Eunho finishes in under a minute. They know it’s not enough. 

“Do you want me to find you something to eat?”

Eunho shakes his head. “Not now.”

“You’re hungry though.”

“I am. It’s just. I don’t think I stomach a lot of it.”

“Will you be sad because it’s not your normal portion?”

“Yeah.” Eunho replies softly, fiddles with the tube injected directly into his bloodstream. 

Eunho isn’t trying anymore. He’s tired. Exhausted even. 

But when someone has made their choice, there is not much that he can do but accept and respect it. Especially when that decision was made by Yu Hamin. He didn’t tell Eunho anything yet, but deep down, Eunho refuse to know. 

With Hamin, actions are always louder than his words. Always. 

Would it be different? Should Eunho have expected things differently? Believe differently?

He has just woken up. He couldn’t even bear the stare Hamin is giving him. 

“I’m staying with you, hyung.”

Eunho’s fingers twitches. He curls his fingers, bunching the sheets under his palm. “Sure.”

“To take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know. But I want to do it too. Properly, this time.”

*