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The golden gates at the Palace of Versailles blindingly shone under the heat of the French sun, not a cloud in sight, as the crowds politely filed themselves into the stands, settling into their seats with the blazing sunlight glaring into their eyes. Many have lost their sunglasses at this stage into the Olympics - it’s always so easy to misplace them, especially when you’re travelling between venues. Who needs to protect their eyes anyway? Haven’t we all seen enough?
WRONG. We haven’t seen the freestyle dressage yet! Yesterday, the team dressage had gone well for those it went well for, and went terribly for those it went terribly for. No matter, for today, it was about the individuals. And their respective horses. Obviously.
Forget the teams - who wants unreliable teammates anyway? Bringing your scores down, letting their horses eat your horse’s snacks, muttering disparaging words at how you haven’t shined your riding boots effectively, saying that you keep farting during the motivational huddle before the competition. What nonsense!
Despite some disagreements and small tiffs with his team, Niall was proud to represent Ireland with his beloved horse, Horse Hands. He’d been with Horse Hands for a good few years, having boarded her at Elmwood Valley Stables since he first started training competitively. She was a little black dressage horse, warmblood and baroque when he first met her and she’s grown beautifully since. He genuinely couldn’t think of life without her, and was grateful for the care that Elmwood Valley provided as well as the optimal training grounds for their dressage practice. He was even more pleased when his fellow friend and stablehand, Louis from the Independent State of Doncastcian Republic, announced that he would also be competing in dressage.
Even though Louis had always wanted to train in showjumping, he’d been greatly put off the sport after his encounter with Harry Edward Styles, European gold medallist in showjumping with his horse, Horse, Vol. 6, who turned out to be a fraud. Louis was sure that not all European champions were frauds, but he didn’t want to run the risk of being associated with such controversy at this early stage of his career.
This did mean that he did end up withdrawing his entry for showjumping a few days after the Olympics started, and returned his first horse, Horse Almighty, back to Liam. Liam was confused by this, and despaired when he realised he’d spent the money he thought he earnt on the sale, on recording his own music. How will he ever recover the debt?!
However, Louis still took Horse Almighty out for rides into the morning dew at dawn, with his eyes on the track and the wind on his back, running free in a field of dreams and galloping clouds like he’s never seen, until he went home again in the evening’s blue so she wasn’t totally abandoned. He even held a party for her once a month, just so he could shout, “Let’s have a toast to Horse Almighty!”
With his savings from working as a stablehand, Louis bought his own horse from famous business woman, Martha Stewart - a grey stallion (no, not a sparkly silver, as everyone seems to think). Martha flew the horse on Air Horse One, all the way to England, for Louis to name him Horse You. Not a strong name choice, but Louis believes otherwise.
Recently, Louis had learnt from his previous competitive attempt at synchronised diving that to be able to participate in group sports, he did actually require other teammates. Cleverly, he withdrew his participation in yesterday’s team dressage and concentrated on today’s individual freestyle dressage. He had his songs carefully selected and mashed up for him by Liam, who somehow found the time to do this whilst training for his cross country events with Horse Low.
Louis trained as much as he reasonably could in dressage, leading up the Olympics, given that he did also have to train in all other events to represent the Independent State of Doncastcian Republic, and was looking forward to competing against Niall. He was sure he would win this event.
Yesterday, Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart visited Louis with carrots and apples for Horse You, and they both said encouraging words such as “drop it like it’s hot”, “hip-hop is what makes the world go round”, and “stay in control, never panic” as Martha fed Horse You a shiny Fuji apple. Louis saved one for today, as Horse You did enjoy a good healthy snack, just before performing. Louis couldn’t relate - he always got a stitch if he ate before he exercised.
Today was competition day though, so out that apple came from his back pocket, straight into Horse You’s ravenous mouth, gobbling the whole fruit in one. Horse You’s eyes were glittery, as if he’d transformed into another being. Louis was pleased that at least half of his team felt confident enough to enjoy their time here. His nerves were starting to creep up on him.
“Heyyyy, what it is!” Niall greeted, slapping Louis on the back. Nope, it wasn’t his nerves. It was Niall.
“What it is!” Louis greeted back, turning his back to Horse You. “How you feelin’ for today’s comp?”
“Pretty good, I gotta say. You know, me and Horse Hands have been training for ages - you’ve seen us at Elmwood.”
“Every day, matey. Every day.”
“Hey, have you heard who the new judges are?” Niall asked. “They’ve switched them all up, and two of them are from England which I think is an absolute joke. So unfair! They won’t be nice to the Irish, like me.”
“No, hey, what?” Louis spluttered. Even though the Independent State of Doncastcian Republic was located as a micronation within England, Louis didn’t feel like he stood a better chance. He was very aware of how furious the King and government were at the separation of states. “Who- huh, what?”
“Yeah, buddy. Some guys called Greg Davies and Rylan Clark-Neal. Tall blokes. Bit intimidating when I saw them earlier. Can’t remember the others though.”
Louis wanted to melt on the spot. He couldn’t handle these two giants. They were both literally twice his size! Louis started to fear that Greg would pick him up and swing him around if he made a mistake, just like he did to James Acaster on Taskmaster (or at least, that’s how Louis remembered that episode).
“I feel sick,” Louis announced, at the same time one of the Olympic staff members came to grab him to get into the arena within the next 5 minutes as he’d been randomised to go first.
“You can’t be sick, you’re up now!” Niall exclaimed, grabbing Horse You by the reins and unlocked the stall’s gate. “Get on up, quick!”
Louis shrieked a mild scream, and begrudgingly slipped his foot into a stirrup and swung himself into his saddle on Horse You.
“I got this!” Louis sobbed, in an octave higher than his usual voice.
“Louis, don’t forget! We’re the Bridle Club!” Niall encouraged.
“Fun adventures with four best friends, as one,” Zayn called out from nowhere, with a confident neigh from his horse, Horse Diesel.
“There’s nothing more we’re looking for,” Liam continues, again, from nowhere in particular.
“All we need is our horses, dreams and the sun,” Niall persisted, watching Louis closely, in hope that he would complete their friendship group’s motivational greeting and calm down.
“And now, a new adventure can begin…” Louis whispered, with tears in his eyes. These boys and their stupid clubs. He loved them all. “Ok, I’ve got this!”
Louis bid his final and reluctant farewell to Niall, and rode away with Horse You out to the arena as Niall waved him away until he couldn’t see Louis anymore. He then proceeded to pace back and forth, occasionally glancing at Horse Hands in her stall. She wasn’t bothered at all. Niall decided his own performance nerves would be calmed, by watching Louis perform his routine. This wasn’t a dig at Louis’s abilities. Oh no, in fact, Niall just really enjoyed Louis’ music choice for his performance, a mashup of The Ketchup Song, I Don’t Dance, and Thank You For Being a Friend. And of course, he wanted to support his friend and fellow competitor.
As he watched Louis trot into the arena with Horse You, Niall noticed something weird about Horse You’s gait. He had never watched Louis train at Elmwood Valley, since their sessions naturally clashed with each other in the dressage arena. Sure, he and Louis discussed which songs they’d pick for their routine but he didn’t feel like it was appropriate to watch a competitor’s routine before the actual competition.
Also, he’d only really walked past Horse You in his stall a good few times, where he was generally inconspicuous and known to be a well-behaved horse. There were the odd times where Horse You’s eyes seemed like they had a murderous streak to them, but Niall had put that down to Horse You feeling hungry, to which many of us can relate. And now that he thought about it, he did see Louis feed Horse You an apple before he approached him. Maybe Horse You’s gait was actually a stitch from eating before competing. Rookie error.
But soon, Niall was distracted by The Ketchup Song, and started to bop along to Louis’ chosen musical choices, pulling all his favourite dance shapes including the butterfly. Unfortunately, Niall couldn’t listen for too long, as he got dragged away by his coach, Little Alex Horne, to start getting ready for his own routine. He felt aggrieved at the loss of hearing his favourite transition between I Don’t Dance and Thank You For Being a Friend, but he had to respect Little Alex Horne and his mighty clipboard. He hoped he could at least catch up on iPlayer when he got back to his dorm.
“You ready, girl?” Niall whispered, as he sat himself on Horse Hands, and patted her on the neck. He admired the pretty hairstyle he’d picked for her - he’d watched many a reel on Instagram for tips for the perfect plaited bun and was pleased that he managed to get it exactly how the video showed him.
Horse Hands sighed, followed by a neigh, and a gentle splutter to punctuate.
Niall was satisfied. This was Horse Hands’ way of saying she’s been ready since she was born, and she didn’t really understand why Niall was asking, and that she thought he was a bit of an idiot for thinking otherwise. He nodded in agreement. He indeed was a bit of an idiot, and aren’t we all?
The gentle tones of The Ketchup Song ending and polite clapping sounds echoed into the stable stalls, notifying Niall that he’d be up next. Curiously, the applause hadn’t been as raucous as what all the other contestants had received, making Niall wonder what had happened in the arena. He had good faith that Louis and Horse You had performed their routine to the best of their abilities, and the impressive music choices would surely win the audience’ applause, at the very least.
Niall didn’t have any more time to think, as Little Alex Horne ushered and waved him into the concealed entrance before the arena. He urged Horse Hands forward, making his way to the spot, and parked them both in the correct position. Niall tried to crane his neck to see the big screen, to see what score Louis got but no such luck. He couldn’t see anything from here, and again, the audience wasn’t making any sound to give a hint as to what the result could’ve been. All he could do was concentrate and wait for someone to tell him he could make his way to the arena.
Soon enough, he got his cue and cantered towards the arena on Horse Hands, making his way along the edges and building himself up to enter into the arena to start his performance. The crowd was silent, as they waited for Niall to put his hand up, to signal for the music. Niall lifted his right hand into the air, and the beginnings of Gangnam Style began to play as the pair trotted into the arena, finding their centre line. Horse Hands continued stepping her hoofs on the spot, and Niall saluted the judges. It was time to start.
Beginning with a collected walk, Niall and Horse Hands flew (but not literally, because airs above ground is prohibited) through their routine, half passing right in a collected trot to Gangnam Style, followed by a few flying changes every second stride. They continued to canter pirouette to the left with an extended canter and flying changes every stride, with elegant transitions from passage to piaffe and from piaffe to passage. Soon, the song began to change and the crowd cheered as they heard We’re All In This Together replace and fade in. In response, Niall and Horse Hands started with their extended walk, leading up to a half pass right in a collected canter and then a canter pirouette to the right, smoothly adding a small half circle at the end for the extra pizazz. Next, they started a medium walk, building up tension to what was coming next. The music faded out, replaced by Always Look on The Bright Side of Life, giving the duo the cue for their best and favourite moves - the walk pirouettes and counter canters. The audience cheered again at the excellent grace that they exuded, and as they performed an extended trot into a half pass left into a collected trot, the music changed back to Gangnam Style, allowing Niall and Horse Hands to do one last half pass left in a collected canter with a medium circle to finish.
The duo made their way back to the centre line with the audience clapping rapidly to the instrumental, as elegantly trotted to the end of the arena. Gangnam Style slowly faded away as Niall bowed his head, letting his left hand drop to his side like a penguin flipper. He’d finished. The audience roared with applause and cheers. Who expected to see such a routine to a mashup of Gangnam Style, We’re All In This Together and Always Look on the Bright Side of Life?!
Niall lifted his head and began waving thanks to the audience, and as he did, he noticed that Greg Davies and Rylan Clark were in their booth, directly in front of him, applauding and shaking their heads in appreciation, which of course, Niall knew he deserved. The Irish are very charming. He patted Horse Hands multiple times, in appreciation, and they both cantered away from the arena, back towards the stalls to await for their scores.
A whoop from the crowds made Niall glance back at the big screens in the arena - the score! He had scored 89.293%!
“YEAH, BUDDY!” Niall shouted, and gave another strong pat to Horse Hands who remained unbothered. She couldn’t care less, and she was now mainly interested in the hustle and bustle in the backstage stables. She continued to walk onwards with Niall on her back, towards the behind-the-scenes area and was greeted by a massacre. “Huh?”
Admittedly, it wasn’t a true massacre but there were a lot of fallen riders and stray horses around, as if something had charged past all of them at speed. Niall stepped down from Horse Hands’ back, but kept her reins in his hands. Suddenly, a flash of tanned-leather coloured hair came zooming towards Niall’s vision, crashing into him with an embrace and salty, salty tears.
“NIALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” it cried. “HORSE YOU WAS A COW!”
Niall recoiled, and saw that it was Louis. What did he mean his horse was a cow? Cows can’t gallop, no matter how many times the Müller advert tried to convince everyone.
“What you on about, buddy?” Niall tried to ask a sobbing Louis, holding him back within arms reach because he wasn’t up for being snotted all over today. Or not any day, in fact.
“It was those stupid apples!” Louis whined with his eyes held tightly shut, trying to hold back his snot from his nose. “Martha gave me shiny ones.”
“Yeah, they were pretty shiny, from what I remember,” Niall agreed, unsure of where this was leading. “Shiny’s good for an apple, isn’t it?”
“IT HAD DRUGS IN IT, NIALL!” Louis wailed, throwing his face up to the sky, tears streaming down his face. “THAT’S WHY THEY WERE SHINY! HORSE YOU SHINES!”
“Uh… that… doesn’t make sense but whatever. What’s the cow bit?”
“Don’t you get it, Niall?! The drugs! Horse You - a cow! Martha Stewart - using drugs to make a horse, and, and, and,” Louis garbled, hyperventilating. “TRANSFORMATION POTION!”
Niall quietly processed this, as he watched Louis continue to sob and ramble about his failings for the Independent State of Doncastcian Republic, how he flopped in the diving already and was now failing at dressage.
“But… cows aren’t this messy, are they? What else happened? It’s chaos back here,” Niall asked, feeling like he’d missed a piece of the puzzle.
“The cow! THAT COW! It was the murderous one from Mars! Snoot! Rampage!” Louis howled.
Niall scanned the area - everyone was still here. A cow hadn’t murdered anyone from what he could see, but he could see that a quick rampage from one would cause this many horses to be straying away from their owners and all these riders strewn across the floor in disbelief. No one seemed fit enough to continue competing. What was going to happen to the dressage event?! Niall had tried really hard to perfect that routine - no, wait, concentrate, Niall! This cow and Louis are more important!
Suddenly, a gunshot rang through the arena and the stalls. All was silent, not even Louis’ ugly crying could be heard. A tall, broad man appeared at the other open side of the stable, with his arms crossed against his chest.
“Game’s over, “ the man said. Another tall, less-broad man ran up to him.
“You can’t say that, Greg! All the competitors are injured by Martha Stewart’s magic cow! How is this fair?” he pleaded to Greg. “You shot the cow! You could’ve saved it!”
“I DON’T CARE, RYLAN. Everybody’s disqualified. I’ve had enough! No more of this nonsense. We’re not rescheduling. Some of us have bigger commitments,” Greg interrupted with the tone of a teacher putting an end to a teenage fight. “All the information was on the task. Niall and Horse Hands are the only winners. Get over it.”
And that was that. Niall was starstruck at Greg’s power, as all the others dragged themselves away to anywhere but the arena, letting their coaches and team leaders deal with their horses. Louis made a silent scream, and passed out on the floor in front of Niall. Niall glanced across to Little Alex Horne, who had appeared at his side and was still holding his usual clipboard. Ever so consistent and reliable, was Niall’s coach.
“Best get ready to go on the podium then!” Alex piped up, turning to face Niall. “Off you go! I’ll look after Horse Hands. Oh, and uh, I guess Louis too.”
Niall nodded, and made his way back out to the arena. The staff were already positioning the podium, and preparing his medal, not like they had much more preparation to do anymore since it was now only Niall that won anything. Niall wandered towards the podium, adding a little skip when he felt like it. What a day! But he stopped in his tracks. Poor Louis. Niall slowed down his walking a bit more and stopped his adorable skips. Time to stay humble and a bit sombre.
As the announcer called out his name and country, Niall stepped up onto the podium and stood headstrong on first place’s step. He deserved this, even if Louis had accidentally brought a murderous cow as his horse who managed to injure all the other contestants and inadvertently disqualifying them from participating. When Greg Davies came towards him with the gold medal, Niall bowed down and allowed the award to be passed over his head.
“You know, strange light revolves around you,” Greg began to whisper to Niall. Niall was confused, as he didn’t remember the judges being allowed to chit-chat during the award ceremony but Greg continued. “When I was watching you out there, it was like you were floating across the arena. You’re made of something new.”
“Oh, uh, thanks, sir, judge, sir,” Niall stuttered, as he lifted his head back up to make awkward eye contact with Greg.
“It’s hard to be a human, so much to put an answer to!” Greg frowned, expressing his distaste but still offering his hand for shaking. Niall tentatively accepted, but was no longer sure what Greg was talking about, as he had been certain Greg was a human. Had he also taken a transformation drug from Martha?
“Oh yeah, I, uh, totally agree!” Niall replied kindly, letting go of Greg’s hand, in hope that this would tell him that this interaction should be over now.
“I was having revelations, watching you dance across the floor,” Greg continued passionately, waving his now-free hands in circles. “Beyond infatuation. How I obsessively ADORE you! That’s what I do!”
Niall pulled a panicked face. He didn’t know how to deal with this anymore. Much to his relief, Greg was soon pushed out of the way and replaced by Rylan. Rylan gave him the gold box of… Niall wasn’t really sure, but he accepted it gratefully, both in thanks for the excellent scoring and the freedom of not being somewhat overwhelmed by Greg’s love.
Niall peered at the box, wondering what was actually inside. He hoped the box would have a nice carrot for Horse Hands. Horses never seem to really be awarded at these ceremonies, which Niall had much disdain for, although he did suspect that Horse Hands would not be compliant with jumping onto the podium. She was a dressage horse, after all.
“Ladies and gentleman, the anthem of Ireland,” the announcer announced. Niall stood up straight, and put a hand on his heart. He was going to belt this out for himself, Horse Hands, Louis, Horse Almighty, and all the people and horses injured by the murderous cow. It was the perfect national anthem.
“I might never be your knight in shining armour. I might never be the one you take home to mother, and I might never be the one who brings you flowers. But I can be the one, be the one tonight…”