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She watches as her mother peers over her shoulder, nodding ever so slightly at someone before squeezing her hand and walking away.
She sees Colin - her husband (in truth she is not sure she’s earned the right to call him such) - as she turns. She tries, though fails, to keep the fear and hope out of her eyes as she sees he’s staring back at her as he approaches.
She scrambles to think of something to say; some grand epilogue to her speech that will somehow remind him he once loved her.
“Good evening.”
Well said, that.
“Good evening.” He replies. “Thank you for your letter.”
She nods in response, recalling how difficult it’d been to put quill to parchment and tell the woman who’d been the nurturing mother-figure she so often needed in her youth, that she was Lady Whistledown; so often a source of drama and calamity in the Bridgerton household.
“I do not believe I’ve ever seen my mother so quickly shocked…and also, so quickly impressed. I believe she is proud of you.”
His eyes shine as he looks at her; reminding her so much of the boy she fell in love with at just six and ten. But she wishes more than anything to hear that he is impressed, that he is proud.
She fears too much damage has already been done, so she steels herself to offer the kindest thing she can to this man that she loves so much.
“There is one thing I left out of that letter. That I would not object to an annulment if you requested one.”
She marvels at the strength in her voice, despite the knot in her throat, and she wonders at the looks of sheer perplexity on his face.
“I do not wish for any harm to come to you, or your family, as a result of today.”
“The queen herself has accepted you.” He offers, and she struggles not to read too much into the flash of fear she sees in his eyes.
“For now. But I fear the only acceptance I need is one I may never receive.”
“Pen -“
“And rightfully so.” She pushes on, knowing if she does not say her share, there’s a good chance she’ll fold, resorting to begging him to forgive her, to love her…to keep her. “I have done all in my power to right this wrong, to remove this pall of my own doing that loomed over our heads. But I am all too aware that some transgressions, some lies, cannot be forgiven. I heard you clearly that night outside the printers, when you said you would never forgive me. And I do not blame you. Nor will I hold you into a marriage different than what you dreamed of when you proposed.”
Closing her eyes, she takes a deep, shuddering breath in after saying her piece and, when she opens her eyes, he’s still just…standing there before her; jaw tight, gaze severe, fists clenched. She truly does not know what to make of her normally mild mannered Colin when he becomes so intense.
“Penelope.” He starts, though his voice is so low and rattled he must clear his throat before beginning again. “Penelope. We stood in front of a church, in front of God, and I vowed to have and to hold. I am a man of honor, and -“
“Yes, you’ve said as much.” She mumbles, more to herself than for his ears, trying but failing to push away the sting of hurt that phrase conjures; reminding her of his accusations of entrapment.
“Pen.” He sighs. Hating, even in this moment of what he can only describe as vexation, the wave of pain he sees washing across her pretty face. “I am truly sorry for my words before our wedding. My only excuse is that I was hurting and foolishly thought I’d feel a modicum of solace if you were hurting just as badly.”
“I was, Colin. I am.”
“You must know, I would rather die a thousand deaths than to ever be the reason you feel hurt. I’m wracked with guilt that my callous words spoken in the heat of the moment have once again caused you pain.”
“I do not fault you, Colin. In all honesty, it was more the fact that I felt as if I’d let you down. You came to my defense so nobly after our engagement when my mother accused me of the same thing, not knowing how close she was to the truth. I only wish that I had not proven her right.”
“Pen. You did not entrap me. I knew it then and I know it now. Hell, I knew it that morning I accused you of such. I chased down your carriage, I proposed to you; there was not, there has not ever been a single moment in this relationship in which I have felt an obligation to you that I did not invite or want or beg for.”
She finds herself unable to keep her eyes from misting over, a slight weight lifted off her shoulders at knowing, despite all of her lies and their miscommunications, he knew her well enough to know she would never entrap him.
“I am grateful for your kindness and grace, Colin. Please allow me to show you the same by allowing an annulment so that you may truly not be obligated to me; free to find another who will -“
“No.”
“I - pardon?”
“No.” He states resolutely. Clearly.
“Colin, you yourself said you would never forgive me. I know you, I have known you, and I have never once known you to be a liar or to say things you do not mean.”
“Well then there’s a first for everything, isn’t there?” He quips, a shadow of that cheeky smirk she loves so much glancing across his handsome face. “I said those words out of anger, fear and hurt. And, in self reflection, envy. There is not a world we could exist in, Penelope Bridgerton, where I could live the rest of my life without forgiving you, loving you. I do not want an annulment. I want a marriage. A real one. A long and happy one.”
“Colin…are you sure?” She asks softly; chin wobbling, eyes sparkling with tears and caution.
“You know, you asked the same of me when I first told you I loved you. What is it that makes you doubt my declarations so, Pen?” He returns, unable to resist grabbing her dainty hands between his much larger ones.
“It is not you I doubt, Colin. There is not a soul I trust or believe in more. It is just…” she starts, unsure how to put to words the overwhelming feeling of it all.
“Just what?” He coaxes softly, thumbs running comfortingly over the tops of her hands he’s pulled into his chest.
“It is just that I spent so long wanting you, loving you. And when you returned those same sentiments, I could scarcely believe this thing I’d spent so long dreaming about had come to fruition. It felt too good to be true. For you to still, after all of this with Whistledown, to want me and to love me…it feels all too much.”
“My love.” He breathes. “While I am overjoyed to see your mother mending her relationship with you and finally treating you as you should’ve always been treated, I do believe you spent far too much of your life expecting and accepting so little love and devotion because so little was bestowed upon you in your home and I foolishly was blind for far too long to my true feelings for you. But please believe me when I say - I love you. I love you today as you stunned the crowd and woo’d the ton, I loved you last week in all of my ire, I will love you tomorrow, fifty years from now and I am most certain I loved you the moment that hideous bonnet knocked me off my horse to the tune of your melodic laughter.”
She gazes up at him in wonder, this boy she has pined for and cried over and loved with her heart, soul and body in ways she had truly only dreamed of. This boy - this man - who loves all parts of her.
“Does that mean you will no longer sleep on the chaise lounge in front of our bed chambers?” She asks sweetly.
He leans his forehead down to knock gently into hers, lips but a breath away. He knows it is frowned upon, but propriety be damned, his wife is far too tempting.
“My wife, Mrs. Bridgerton - Lady Whistledown- I wish to never be apart from you again from this moment forward.”
“I love you,” she breathes, unable to resist brushing her lips ever so softly against his own. “You are a very good man, Mr. Bridgerton.”
He truly believes his grin may split his face and his heart may beat out of his chest, the devotion he feels for this woman all-consuming.
“I love you.”