Chapter Text
A couple weeks after the battle Jackie tries to talk you into going to the group therapy meetings.
It ends with him kissing your lips as you break down and sob that you were the one who killed Glenn.
He says that he forgives you but you know he doesn’t. Glenn was his half-brother and family is so very important to Jackson.
He once told you that he could take any destruction you bring, but he said those words without knowing how hot your fires burn. How you can burn everything to the ground just by existing.
He is the son of Demeter, of growth, of life, but your fire leaves no room for rebirth.
You don’t officially break up but you know it's over when you wake alone under the stars cuddling his orange camp shirt. The sound of his heirloom pocket watch playing a soft tune next to you. You had once asked about it when he had put his key in to play the music. He had just chuckled and told you that it had no name. Him and his sister just called it “Dillon’s lullaby” because he used to play it for his sister to help her fall asleep easier.
Now you watch the hands tick around the clock as you hear him pack his things into his Black Pontiac. He is dressed in a grey shirt and has your spare black leather jacket over his shoulder.
Last time this happened you asked him why. You had asked him to stay.
This time you just watch as he scoops up his watch and climbs into his car. He speeds away into the night without a word to you.
You loved that jacket, you had won it off of some mortal at the Hermes dive bar.
You feel nothing, you were thinking of giving it to him anyway.
He looks better in black than you ever did.
You forgo training for weeks to get drunk and high with Pollux because the feeling reminds you of when you were just floating out of your body away from your problems.
You stumble drunk and end up in bed with Michael to feel someone else's body on top of you other than Glenn’s dead one.
It helps that Michael looks like the opposite of Jackson, and everything in what you imagine Antonio looks like.
You avoid the Demeter kids at all costs, you can’t look them in the eyes.
(You feel the boy’s fear in their grief. You see his anger in yourself. You feel his blood in your mouth whenever you take a sip of water. You smell his blood everytime you wash your hands. It never comes clean, you will forever feel this way. There is no absolution to a first kill.)
You go to training drunk and you walk around camp high. You scream and hit and push everyone away with your anger.
You are hanging yourself by the neck from the tree you did not fall far from, so nobody has to tell you that you are turning into your father. For everyone knows how tied you are to him just by how you act. Your anger is his through and through.
You collapse on your bed and cry yourself to sleep and wake most of the cabin up with your screams.
You decide to sleep next to the lake so they can sleep in peace without you fucking everything up.
You lose Jackson’s shirt at high tide.
You tell yourself it doesn’t matter because you were going to donate it back to the camp shop anyway.
You punch trees and kick rocks. You slam your sword down on a dummy like it is a bat.
You hid in the forest and you find a cave to wallow in.
You hesitantly walk up to the Apollon campers so they can bandage your bleeding fists.
You slice at your legs and bite your arms till blood drips into your mouth exactly like what had happened that day.
You self-destruct and find comfort in the loneliness.
No one talks to you except for mumbles from Pollux when he's passing you a joint or a bottle to you or Michael when he asks if you want to join him in his bed.
A month in Mr. D gets sick of your behavior and sits next to you on the beach. You are chugging a fancy bottle of wine Castor gave to you because you woke up with Glenn’s hands all over you. Sometimes they are strangling you, other times they are doing what the mortal was doing.
(You take so many showers but you will never be able to wash away his hands or his blood)
Mr. D yanks it out of your grasp and with a wave of his hand you are sober. He frowns down at you, lips curling in disgust. “This is wine! Not a bottle of cheap booze that you drink straight from a bottle. Have some class Jake.”
You correct him with a weak, “It's Jayden my lord sir.”
He grunts and sits next to you.
A god sits next to you. You should be on your knees, but you can’t even find the strength to wake up when the sun comes up.
He summons a glass and pours a finger of wine in and swirls it. “Sure it is, James. Do you know why I am here? And don’t be a brat and tell me it was a punishment for the nymph.” He asks, looking over the soft waves lapping at the shore.
“No sir.” You mumble. Oh how Mentor would have slapped you upside the head and given you a stern lecture on mumbling when talking to authority.
“I am the god of insanity. As well as the patron of mental illnesses and the neurodivergent. When there were reports of campers not being able to handle the quests or the battles my father sent me to watch over you kids. I can cause insanity and all that, but I can also mitigate the effects of…well, bad mental health. He banned me from drinking on the job though ‘cause it lessens the effect.” He looks at you still swirling his sacred drink.
“I kick up a fuss about it because it is tough being immortal, the other gods can turn their heads and then they have or no longer have a child. Me? I’m here, I was once a demigod too. I understand the need to drink to escape. I watch all of you grow and die. I watched you go from a jumpy kid who could barely understand anyone to a strong and playful young man. ”
You say nothing. You can’t get the words out to anyone or to Mr. D no matter how much you wish the words would leave your mouth.
(This will not change. You will forever suffer in silence, how could other people understand your pain? You don’t know that if you just asked they would try for you.)
Mr. D continues when you say nothing. “Pollux is worried about you. He’s giving you the low alcoholic stuff so that you get full faster and drunk slower. He is worried that he's going to find you on the floor choking on vomit. I overheard Chrissy say that she’s put some of the Ares kids as you stalkers, she is afraid you're going to take off your shoes and then she's going to have to burn your shroud. That you name is going to be carved on the “Unclaimed” grave marker, that you will never make it to the Ares cabin.”
Mr D looks onward, and hesitantly places his hand on your shoulder. “Your anger is only a mask, take it away and what is left is grief.”
He sighs and looks down at the bottle. “Castor gave this to you?”
You nod, flush with shame. You first went to Pollux because you remember your father having bottles upon bottles of Sake and Soju surrounding him. It was one of the times he wasn’t shouting at you. He tells you that alcohol helps heal wounds, and if it didn’t heal it that day it would heal it tomorrow.
“I know why you're drinking. You were never taught how to cope, you were given a sword and told to fight but were never warned that after a battle you can’t stop seeing or feeling the aftermath. You were told you will die so you were never prepared for what happens when you don’t. 20 kids died in one afternoon and you knew all of them.” Mr. D suddenly grabbed your face and tilted your chin to force you to look him in his eyes, holding up the half full wine bottle.
“My boy didn’t give this to you to drink alone. He gave this to you for when you defeat that monster of yours in Japan. He gave it to you as a promise that you would return to camp with your team and drink with him in celebration.”
He wipes the falling tears off your cheeks. “You are shifting between means of escapism because you think you have nothing else.”
He sighs and whispers, “Jayden, you can’t out drink grief. You must face it, you must let it bleed, eventually it will become another scar to bear.”
He lets you go as soft sobs leave your mouth, you curl inwards as his words bounce around your head.
You wish you could take them to heart but they don’t feel like enough.
(You will always feel that you aren’t enough. You will never be enough. You will always feel inadequate in your own skin.)
“If you struggle to cope then continue to struggle, at least you are alive to do so. The next time you drink to escape your problems you will taste exactly what you are avoiding.”
Thunder roared and the smell of sour grapes and sweet wine invaded your nostrils as a heavy blanket of power settled on your shoulders and wrapped around your throat and tongue.
You gasp at Dionysus and he refills the wine bottle and seals it with a wave of his hand. “I will not let you die in your own vomit at the bottom of a bottle, you will die in battle with a weapon in your hands. If you need to destroy yourself to cope with surviving then pick up your sword and be productive. Now get up and go to your cabin.”
He looks down at the bottle of Muscat wine, his eyes never leaving the messy scrawl of his dead son that says: For Jayden the Red Ranger and his team who defeated the monsters in Japan! “I will…I will keep this for when you come back to celebrate your win over that monster of yours.”
You stumble back to the Hermes cabin, noticing for the first time that a few of Clarisse's younger siblings were also set up further away from where you usually sleep on the shore.
~~
The sun is rising but you have no energy to do anything but lay on the floor.
Travis manages to get you to dinner and it hurts everything in your body when you see that many of the tables had empty space between people where their siblings would normally sit.
You forget about the curse Mr. D placed on you and you ask for the magic cup for Sake .
When you take a sip it tastes like blood and makes you choke and puke right there at the table.
You run away gagging and then you are being hauled into Clarisse’s lap soaking wet. You don’t remember but you apparently jumped into the lake trying to drown yourself. She carries you like a child you never got to be all the way back to the Ares cabin.
“Talk to me.” She whimpers as she holds you close and rocks you as you lay curled in her lap
You long to, you wish you could just open your mouth and the words would pour out like a fountain. That every thought in your mind could be expressed with ease. But instead you both sit there on the steps of a cabin you can never call home with siblings you can never call yours, wondering when your suffering will end.
Clarisse holds you in the way you hate. Not because it's uncomfortable but because it's too much like the hugs you crave. She hugs you like you are shattered in pieces and if she clings to you tightly, holding you in her lap, she would be able to fix you.
She can’t, you were born broken. There are parts of you that are missing, that you were never gifted like the other kids.
The sun sets and she sleeps on the porch with you, holding you close.
When the sunlight peaks over the horizon you rise and don your armor, you pick up your weapons and practice till the sun is brought down by Apollon. You can’t remember who but someone brings you food.
(It was Chiron, whenever he noticed that you weren’t at lunch or dinner he would save some food for you and personally bring them to you. You just never noticed.)
It goes half eaten, only nibbled in between your katas. You drag yourself back to the cabin and scrub your skin till it is raw and bleeding in the cold water in an effort to wipe away Glenn’s blood. You collapse on your bed barely making out of your armor. You wake up with the sun to do it all over again.
It helps.
You are a liar. To others and yourself.
It keeps you busy and each swing of whatever weapon you are practicing or sparring with keeps your mind off your need to drink. Your mind and your memories fade into the back as your body flows through the movements.
(You will never find a coping mechanism healthy enough, or one that works. This routine will stay with you till you die.)
This lasts a week before Chiron blocks you from entering the training arena and drags you to the dining pavilion. He sits you down next to Clarisse and she forces food down your throat and attaches herself to your hip. They allow you only an hour to train before making you drop your sword and shed your armor.
She doesn't make a scene but on some days when his blood is fresh in your mouth and his dead body is on top of yours she brings you to the Big House and they have to hold you down and shove some type of sustenance into your throat. Chiron takes your hands and covers the bleeding blisters, you hadn’t even noticed they were bleeding.
You scream that you hate them, that you just want to die. That you want them to leave like everyone else has.
(You will look into the mirror often and hate the way you look. How your hair is just an off shade of Lee’s, how your eyes are just a bit to blue to be Sarah’s, how your collar bones and ribs protrude out of your skin so much that you are the complete opposite of Castor, you hate that your eyes are now at the same height as the top bunks because Rosie wanted to be that tall, you hate how tan your skin is and how its just a shade too dark to be Sebatian’s. You hate the way your face looks because Samuel used to sculpt it with clay, you hate how disgusting your long and tangled hair looks because Julieta will never be able to style it again. You hate your body and you hate how you can see your father in you.)
You hate yourself so much to the point that you actually find comfort in isolation.
(You will continue to for the rest of your life.)
You hate that you screamed and cursed at the other kids because Travis made a joke yesterday and everyone in the cabin laughed.
You punched Micheal when he tried to get you to go to the camp group therapy. He told you that it was clear to everyone that you were struggling. You punch him in the face and scream at him to leave you alone.
You aren’t struggling, you are fine. You are a warrior, you don’t struggle with emotions.
You hate yourself when the rage cools.
You hate how you see the other kids all dancing and swimming on the lake and can’t help but sneer as you continue to train.
You hate them when they try to get too close to you, and you hate that Chiron restrained you to a bed when you tried throwing things at them.
You hate that the Stoll brothers are back to playing pranks again and that the Apollon kids are back on the roof watching their father who never cared that seven of his kids died to do his job.
You hate that the unclaimed are making blanket forts again and that the Aphrodite cabin is working with the Hephaestus cabin to make another play.
You hate how the Demeter cabin is back to growing all types of plants and laughing with each other in the fields.
You scream at the Athena cabin when they invite you to play a board game, it ends in a fight.
You hate how Percy and Annabeth are taking dates but not dates on the backs of Pegasus, laughing and flirting.
You hate how the kids whisper about you and move to avoid you.
You hate that the only thing you can feel is anger. Anger is the only emotion you were taught, it's the only thing you know. It’s only one that feels familiar. It's a relentless companion. It never leaves you, unlike the people you love. You hate yourself for it.
You hate that other kids have moved on.
Why can’t you?
(You will always hurt people no matter how hard you try to prevent it. It’s in your nature. You can’t stop yourself. The only thing you should be protecting people from is yourself.)
Clarisse has a life outside of attempting to fix something as broken as you. Some days she can’t be with you so she orders her siblings to watch you. You let them do what they want because you are a burden and shouldn’t be wasting these kid’s time. They usually smile tersely at you and leave you behind to hang out with their real friends.
You go to Micheal for comfort but he is always busy running an infirmary and being in charge of five young siblings.
He tells you to fuck off and you never approach him again. He doesn’t want you, he doesn’t need you. You are like a barnacle that everyone wants to get rid of.
He tried to help you once and you hit him. He has every reason to be disgusted in you.
It is what you deserve.
Chiron welcomes you, and lets you accompany him around camp like a silent glaring shadow.
Eventually he tells you that you need to stop glowering and that you are scaring the other campers.
You don’t go near him ever again.
Pollux avoids you.
You don’t blame him, if it were possible you would avoid yourself too.
Silena looks at you with such pity in her eyes and her hand always strays to where the beads resided. Where Julieta used to put them in your hair. She looks like she is going to cry when she sees you and you crumple under her gaze.
You avoid every Demeter kid and the Athena kids just glance your way.
Percy only vaguely knows you exist.
This is what you deserve.
It is Lauren, and Jii, and Hikoma all over again. All because you can never do things right, you can never control yourself. You always ruin what little good is offered because you lose control.
People always run away because of your anger, you understand.
You ran away from your fathers rage. You wonder if when you shout you sound like your father.
You wonder if when you hit things in your blinding anger you look exactly like him. As much as you hate him you inherited the very things that made you scared of him.
You hate that this was your own making, you deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve this.
You deserve nothing.