Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

- Week 1 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin stares at the food in front of him, picking at it with his fork and grimacing. He’s too anxious to eat, and the dining hall is so loud that he feels sick. He doesn’t understand how fourteen teens can make so much noise, or thirteen if you don’t count Hyunjin, but he’s been told that teenagers often have this talent. They always seem to be the loudest on Fridays, and today is no exception.

He hates the dining hall for this exact reason. There’s always so much talking and yelling and laughing while plates and cutlery clink together and the fans in the kitchen are on and the adults eat just as loudly in the next room. It is enough to have Hyunjin take his food to his room most days, but he sat down today and once he’s sitting down, he doesn’t feel like he can change his mind.

Jisung and Seungmin are talking loudly right in front of him as well, neither seeming to notice that they’re yelling. It makes Hyunjin want to stick his chopsticks in his ears to make himself go deaf so he can’t hear anything ever again. He might have tried it if he was closer to a meltdown, so the whole dining hall should be pleased that he has some semblance of self-control left.

“Why so pouty?” Jisung asks, his voice hazy when it mixes together with all the other people talking. Hyunjin has a hard time separating noises when he’s overwhelmed, looking at Jisung’s nose for a long moment before registering what he asked.

“This place sucks.” Hyunjin says, sighing into his food and rubbing his ear as if it will alleviate some of the pressure. It feels like the noise is blowing up tiny balloons in his ears, and he can only take so much before they pop.

“Did you only realize that now?” Jisung asks. It is a little easier to hear him when Hyunjin expects his voice, but it still takes a moment to digest the words before he can reply.

“No, I knew.” Hyunjin huffs. He sets down his chopsticks and rubs his other ear as well. He lifts his earlobes to push them into his ears, making everything go hazy and muffled for a moment before it rushes back in when he lets go.

“I was joking- whatever, what is it this time?” Jisung can’t blame Hyunjin for not catching the joke, he isn’t clear when he uses sarcasm and Hyunjin is in no mood to second guess anything anyone says.

“They’re making me give the new kid the tour.” Hyunjin grumbles. He doesn’t particularly mind giving the tour, he gave it to Jisung when he arrived a couple of months ago, but he doesn’t know how to socialize with someone new without draining himself and he wants to get through the day without an incident.

“Is that today already?” Seungmin asks, and Hyunjin just nods. Whenever someone leaves this place, someone new pops up and Hyunjin hates getting used to new people in his routine. This is a long-term treatment home, most teens stay here for a year or longer, so he gets used to having certain people around and it doesn’t change very often.

“What was his name again?” Jisung asks. It shouldn’t be surprising that he forgot, his memory is terrible, or maybe Hyunjin’s is just great. He can’t seem to ever forget anything, it all stays in his head, taking up space he could spend on more useful things, like filtering noise.

“Yongbok.” Hyunjin says, adding a questioning tone even though he’s sure that he’s right. He doesn’t like to show off his memory; never forgetting anything makes him feel like something is wrong with him, so he often finds himself pretending to forget.

“Sounds cute.” Seungmin says. Hyunjin is confused at how a name can tell him anything about who Yongbok is, but it’s probably just another one of those ‘normal’ things Hyunjin can’t relate to or understand. To him, names are just names.

“Is he cute?” Jisung asks, and Hyunjin rolls his eyes. He has never really looked at anyone and found them attractive, and he hates being perceived that way. He just doesn’t find crushes, attraction or connection interesting. As hard as it is for people to understand, he’d be happy not talking to a single soul for weeks.

“How would I know? I’ve never met him.” Hyunjin says, he doesn’t know any more than them. The adults always prepare the teens for a new arrival, so they know that his name is Yongbok, he’s a boy and he’s seventeen. He still feels like a complete stranger, Hyunjin doesn’t even know what he looks like.

“You’re crabby.” Seungmin says with a small pout. Hyunjin didn’t mean to let his mood rub off on them, he’s just in no mood to pretend to be fine. The dining hall is overstimulating and he’s nervous about meeting the new teen.

“Sorry, I just hate people.” Hyunjin says. He doesn’t want to be responsible for taking Yongbok around the grounds, telling him all about the place and rules and people. He’ll make the place sound horrible when he should help him feel comfortable in a new place.

“Did you forget to add the ‘no offence’?” Jisung says. He and Seungmin are Hyunjin’s only friends here, other than Changbin, his hope guide, but that’s different. They both know that Hyunjin would be fine without them, but that he likes and appreciates them for sticking around. He doesn’t need friends, but he likes having them.

“You know what I mean.” Hyunjin says. He’s never been a social person, and he doesn’t think that he should’ve been sent to a mental institution for it. He isn’t broken, just different. He might act differently than most people, but he’s still a good person who cares about others. He just shows it in his own unique ways, and Doctor Song says that is okay.

“Yeah, yeah, you don’t need people, they’re just annoying, but you tolerate us.” Jisung says, waving his arms around like he’s mocking Hyunjin’s stimming and Hyunjin glares at him. It would all be good-hearted fun on any other day, but Hyunjin is starting to feel explosive and that’s never a good sign.

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” Seungmin asks. He was Hyunjin’s first friend here. Hyunjin came in with the intention to never talk to anyone, but he found that having someone to sit with during meals or team up with during group activities helped him feel a little more comfortable with being here.

Both Jisung and Seungmin became his friends in the same way. They wouldn’t leave him alone for weeks, attaching to him like they were already friends. It annoyed him beyond belief, but at some point, they found their way into Hyunjin’s heart and now he’s scared of the day they’ll leave. He doesn’t want to be in this miserable place without them.

“Yeah, and?” Hyunjin asks, not seeing his point. As far as he’s concerned, he’s made two friends here, that’s more than he had at home. The way he feels about friends hasn’t changed much, he still doesn’t have much of a need for them, but he doesn’t completely reject the idea anymore.

“Some would say it could be smart to try to work on the I-don’t-need-anyone mentality so you can get out of here.” Seungmin points out. “You know, make some friends, let people in, try to break down those walls.” He sounds like Hyunjin’s parents, not that he has heard from them since coming here, but there’s nothing wrong with Hyunjin’s lack of interest in socializing.

“I’m not sick, I’m autistic.” Hyunjin says flatly. No matter what he does, he is always going to be autistic. Learning to act differently would just be learning to mask, and he’s trying to not do that anymore. Masking for sixteen years is exactly how he ended up here, his parents thought something was wrong with him when he kept having what they called ‘angry outbursts’, but Doctor Song taught him that his brain just functions differently, and he’s learning to handle his needs without huge meltdowns every other day.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize that makes you immune to mental issues.” Seungmin says. Hyunjin rolls his eyes again and leans back in his chair, going back to rubbing his ears.

“Please stop talking before I start yelling or something.” Hyunjin mutters. He doesn’t mean for it to sound angry, he’s just overwhelmed, and trying not to be pushed past his limits. Seungmin and Jisung do just what he asks, going silent for the rest of the meal, save for a few quiet words that easily blend into the noisy room.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin goes to the offices after lunch, on the second floor of the therapy building. Yongbok should already be waiting for him, having been in an intake meeting since early morning. Hyunjin remembers his own intake, going over an overwhelming amount of information that is expected to be remembered. Of course, Hyunjin remembered everything, but he understands that it’s a lot for everyone else.

Doctor Kang’s office is still closed, so Hyunjin throws himself down on a chair in the hallway while he waits. It gives him a much-needed moment of silence, finally being somewhere quiet enough that he gets a chance to calm down.

Doctor Kang is the head psychologist, the boss, he owns and controls Busan Psychiatric Hospital. He is scary, strict and cold, but they normally don’t see him unless they get in trouble. Taking care of the teens is left up to the social workers, teachers, psychiatrists and regular psychologists. Hyunjin doesn’t think he’s seen Doctor Kang more than twice since his intake, both times was when he was caught breaking the rules during his first weeks here. He hasn’t stopped breaking the rules, but he learned how to go unnoticed.

By the time the door opens, Hyunjin is in a slightly better mood. Doctor Kang exits first, followed by a man and woman that Hyunjin assumes are Yongbok’s parents. A small boy follows behind them, looking at his feet with tension in his shoulders. Hyunjin is taken back by his beauty, white-blonde hair framing his freckled face. It is so distracting that Hyunjin doesn’t get up to bow for the adults until Doctor Kang clears his throat.

His voice is lost in his throat, but Hyunjin is a psych patient, so he doesn’t stress with being formal and respectful, no one expects him to be put together. Yongbok’s parents and Doctor Kang talk for another moment, but Hyunjin doesn’t listen to them. He’s looking at Yongbok, and Yongbok is watching him too, a shy smile on his heart shaped lips.

Hyunjin isn’t blind to beauty. He can see when someone looks good, but the tug of want in his chest is new. There’s something about the shy boy that makes Hyunjin want to never stop looking at him. He wonders if this is attraction, or if he’s just surprised at how healthy Yongbok looks. Most people who come in here look worn down and sick, but Yongbok’s skin has a warm glow, and he doesn’t look sickly thin.

“Hyunjin-ssi is going to show you around.” Doctor Kang’s voice snaps Hyunjin back into the room. He quickly looks up at Doctor Kang before his eyes land on Yongbok’s face again, nodding to confirm that he didn’t just hang out in this hallway for the fun of it.

Hyunjin feels like he’s intruding on a personal moment when Yongbok turns to hug his parents, holding on for a beat too long like he doesn’t want them to go. When he turns back to Hyunjin, he looks like he’s fighting tears. Hyunjin remembers being in his position, but he was a lot less calm. He was begging his parents not to leave him here, pleading with them to believe that he wasn’t sick.

“You two can go now, I’ll talk to Yongbok’s parents for another moment.” Doctor Kang says, and Hyunjin doesn’t have to be told twice. He starts walking down the hallway, assuming that Yongbok is following him. He doesn’t know how to break the ice, talking to people isn’t his strong suit, but he knows that Yongbok must be terrified, so he gives it a try.

“Your name is Yongbok, right?” Hyunjin says, trying to keep his voice light. He doesn’t want to scare the new kid with his bad mood when he already looks so terrified to be here. He is caught by the boy’s beauty when he looks at him again, making him forget to breathe for a moment.

“I go by Felix.” He says shyly, almost like he’s scared of Hyunjin’s reaction. He doesn’t look like someone who should be in a place like this. It is almost confusing how healthy he looks, even though Hyunjin logically knows that mental illness can’t be seen on the outside.

“Oh, sorry. Felix, I like that. I’m Hyunjin.” Hyunjin probably tries too hard to sound okay with the name change, but Felix isn’t the first one who has come in here with a different name than what is in their papers. Seungmin’s room is in the girl building for that very reason, he isn’t sick either.

“It’s fine, I have many names.” Felix shrugs. He’s chewing on the inside of his lip, his eyes flickering all around the hallway they’re walking down. Even Hyunjin can tell how scared he is and how much he doesn’t want to be here.

“I would ask you why you’re here, but we’re not allowed to talk about it.” Hyunjin says with an obviously fake laugh. One of the rules here is to not ask each other about why they’re here, as if that will stop a bunch of teenagers from talking about it anyway. “They’re scared that we will make each other sicker.” He explains.

He is tempted to ask Felix what brought him here, but he doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Belatedly, he realizes that his statement might be interpreted as a question anyway. He didn’t mean it like that, he just tried to make conversation, so he quickly continues talking, changing the subject.

“So, this is the therapy building.” Hyunjin gestures around them. “It isn’t actually called that, none of the buildings have names but we give them nicknames to keep track. All of the offices are here, and it’s where we have therapy and group sessions, basically your treatment happens here.” He explains. He himself has group or therapy in this building every weekday.

“I thought every part of my day would be treatment.” Felix says quietly. Hyunjin knows how intimidating the place sounds in the meetings. Doctor Kang uses big, serious words that are hard to understand for the average person, but it isn’t really that strict or scary. Jisung compared it to a hotel once when he was manic, that was the week he loved BPH and never wanted to leave.

“Well, it is a treatment home, so they try to help you in every situation you may struggle in, but they’re not gonna constantly push you.” Hyunjin says. The whole point of BPH is for help to be available whenever they need it, so they can work through it while the difficult situation is happening rather than having to wait until the next therapy appointment to talk about it.

“Treatment home?” Felix repeats shakily. His eyes are wide, and he’s trembling, tugging on the bottoms of his sleeves. Hyunjin is no stranger to anxiety, he sees it in Jisung every day, but while he doesn’t pay any attention to it when it’s Jisung, there is something painful about seeing it in Felix.

“Yeah, didn’t they explain that to you? It’s not a psych hospital or mental institution, it’s a treatment home. As if that makes a difference.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, finding the whole concept stupid. Doctor Kang is adamant that wording is important, so this place uses ‘kinder’ words to make it less scary, but they all know that they’re in a mental hospital.

“Oh, and we’re not patients, we’re teens.” Hyunjin adds, in case Felix doesn’t remember that either. Being called a teen doesn’t make much of a difference when he’s living in a mental hospital and there’s a big file with all of his issues in Doctor Kang’s office, on the floor above his therapists, plural.

“Everyone who’s here right now is between fifteen and seventeen, how old are you?” Hyunjin asks, leading Felix down the stairs. The treatment home is for teenagers between fourteen and eighteen. They’re allowed to stay the entire year they turn eighteen if they want, but after their birthday they can’t be held against their will anymore. Hyunjin is just waiting for his birthday in the spring to get out, it is only six months away.

“Seventeen.” Felix says quietly.

“Me too.” Hyunjin says, smiling in hopes that it will ease him a little. He shows Felix the hallway with their psychologists and group therapy rooms, showing him where Felix’s psychologist is. Doctor Yoon’s office is next to Doctor Song, so it’s easy to find.

“I know they told you everything is obligatory, but really, the only thing that isn’t optional around here is your one-on-one therapy. If you don’t go there, they’ll come do it in your room, so there’s no point in not going. Unless you suddenly lose the ability to walk.” Hyunjin tries to joke and is pleased at the small smile tugging at Felix’s lips. He doesn’t like seeing him so scared, and it confuses him that he cares so much about a stranger.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Felix says tensely. Hyunjin normally doesn’t give other people’s emotions much thought, but he wants to take away Felix’s fear. It is confusing to care so much about someone, not that he’s normally an emotionless asshole, he just doesn’t have the same need for connection as other people.

“It isn’t that bad; they just make it sound scary.” Hyunjin says softly, turning to Felix and fighting the urge to reach out for him. “Most of the time we’re just hanging out, and you can stay in your room whenever you want, just say you’re too anxious if someone comes to check on you.” He tries to ease some of Felix’s fear, but it doesn’t look like he relaxes any.

“I’ll try to remember that.” Felix says. His eyes are flickering around like he’s expecting something to happen and Hyunjin’s heart aches for him. He wonders if someone hurt him and if that’s why he’s here, or if he’s been put here against his will despite nothing being wrong with him.

“I know it’s scary to be new to this place, but you’ll get used to it. It kind of feels like summer camp, but with therapy. It’s really chill, and you’ll make friends, I promise. And if you need something, you can always come to me.” Hyunjin surprises himself with the offer. He prefers being left alone, but the thought of Felix being alone and scared outweighs his instinct to isolate himself.

Felix smiles with a short nod, and Hyunjin easily returns the smile. He wants to reach out for Felix’s hand but stops himself. They’re strangers and he doesn’t know what Felix is comfortable with. Hyunjin hates being touched, but he wants to know how Felix’s hand feels in his own.

They leave the building and Hyunjin takes him to the school building. A part of the environment here is that they go to ‘school’. It is another thing that is supposed to make BPH more relaxed. They try to make the teens’ lives feel as similar to normal life as possible, but there’s nothing normal about living at an institution.

“This is the place where we all sit in a room and pretend to be in school.” Hyunjin says, pointing at the building. It’s smaller than any other school he’s seen, looking like a regular house. At least it isn’t just a room in the activity building, but it seems pointless regardless.

“We’re fifteen teens now that you’re here, so even though we’re different ages, we’re all in the same class. They’ll test your skills to find your level and make an individual plan for you.” Hyunjin explains. Felix has seemed so confused about everything else he mentioned, so Hyunjin assumes that he doesn’t remember anything.

“They make us take tests?” Felix asks, clearly uncomfortable at the thought.

“Not in a grading way, just to assess how you’re doing when you first get here.” Hyunjin is quick to explain. “If you ask me, this is a sad excuse for a school. It is mostly to have something to do during the day and to get you used to the routine of going to school so it’ll be easier when you get out.”

“Oh.” Felix barely makes the sound, still looking very tense. Hyunjin wonders if he’s doing this wrong, he isn’t good at making people feel at ease or calming them down, but he was told to give the tour, so he doesn’t know what else he could do. It is a lot of information, so it will be overwhelming, and he doesn’t think that anything he says will take away Felix’s fear. He can’t help but try anyway.

“No one is going to care if you’re late or skip or spend the lessons drawing in your notebook. I skip a lot because I’d rather draw in my room, but I shouldn’t encourage you.” Hyunjin says and Felix smiles, seeming to loosen up a little. It makes Hyunjin feel unreasonably proud. He takes Felix inside, showing him where the other teens are in class right now.

Felix looks even more scared once they’re inside, like he wants to run away from the other teens, so Hyunjin doesn’t drag it out before taking him back outside. They keep walking over the lot, making their way to the next building. There are five in total, and it would feel a lot nicer if they weren’t locked behind fences.

“Do you have any hobbies?” Hyunjin asks, leading Felix over to what they call the activity building. It is Hyunjin’s favourite building, he loves spending hours in the art room alone, it is always so quiet when the rest of the teens are at school.

“I don’t know.” Felix says shyly, looking at his feet as they walk. Hyunjin takes him to the front door of the building, holding it open for Felix to step in first.

“Is there anything you enjoy doing? Or used to enjoy.” Hyunjin pushes a little. A lot of the teens here have lost interest in what they used to love, it’s a common side effect of mental illness. Felix stares at his feet for a long time, almost swaying where he’s standing. Hyunjin is about to reach out for him when he raises his head and blinks a few times.

“I was a dancer until last year.” Felix smiles, a glint in his eye as he speaks. Seeing him relax makes Hyunjin relax too, he was holding a lot of Felix’s tension in his own shoulders.

“I’m a dancer too! There’s a music room right down the hall. Some of us get together once a week and just have fun with music.” Hyunjin says. That was where he met Seungmin, he has a beautiful singing voice. When Jisung came around, he started joining them too, he’s a great rapper and even writes his own songs.

“The dining hall is also here, and a gym that I’ve never seen, so it might be a myth.” Felix chuckles and Hyunjin feels stupidly proud of being the reason for it. Now that Felix doesn’t look as scared, he seems fine. Hyunjin knows how easy it is to pretend to be okay, but it’s still confusing to see someone who looks so healthy come to BPH. New teens are usually much worse off, looking like they’re wasting away either physically or mentally or both.

“Not a sporty type?” Felix asks, seeming to find his voice again. Hyunjin snorts a laugh and rubs his nose when it hurts, earning another chuckle from Felix. He wants to fall asleep to that sound, it is so relaxing. He walks Felix toward the dining hall.

“Not if it doesn’t go with music, but I think there’s some sort of sports team for those who are interested.” Hyunjin says. He can’t confirm that there is a team, and he has no clue what sport they play, but he’s heard rumours.

“I am definitely not sporty either.” Felix says. There’s a playful hint to his voice now, clear enough that Hyunjin picks up on it. He isn’t clueless just because he’s autistic, he just can’t pick up on small things. He calls them ‘micro-emotions’, a word he made up for emotions that can’t easily be seen on someone’s face.

He shows Felix the dining hall, going over mealtimes and changes that can be made to their food. He also fills him in on their weekly allowance that most teens use on the vending machines that line one of the walls of the room. Then they go back outside, the autumn air hitting them.

“That over there is the girl building, it is full right now, so eight teens, but one is a boy, it’s complicated.” Hyunjin waves in the direction, not explaining any further. It is up to Seungmin if he wants Felix to know that he lives in the girl building and why.

“And this is the boy building, we’re just seven including you.” Hyunjin says when they reach the last building on the grounds. There are two floors, the first one consisting of a common room, a guides’ room, communal bathrooms and a small kitchen. The second floor has their rooms.

“Two and two room together, and there’s one hope guide for each room so you’ll share with the person you’re rooming with. Hope guides are social workers by the way, we usually just call them guides. Did you get your hope guide’s name?” Hyunjin explains. Now that Felix is here, Hyunjin will be the only one with a single, but his parents have enough money to make sure that it stays that way. Even places claiming to exist to help people can be subject to corruption.

“Yeah, but I don’t remember what it was.” Felix says, making some sort of motion with his hand that Hyunjin can’t interpret. Hyunjin is pretty sure that Felix doesn’t remember anything he was told before coming here, but this place has information plastered everywhere so it isn’t a problem.

“Don’t worry, all the information is on the bulletin board by the door.” Hyunjin reassures him. Their schedules and house rules and assigned hope guides and psychologists and anything else you can think of is on that board. “And your stuff should already be in your room, you can ask one of the hope guides to show you the way. They’re by the front door, the door is always open and they’re happy to help.”

“You want me to go in there alone?” Felix asks, looking at him with wide eyes. The fearful side of him seems to come back at the thought. Hyunjin forgot to consider how it would feel for him to go in alone.

“I’ll go with you.” Hyunjin quickly says, barely stopping himself from grabbing Felix’s hand. He goes for it, stops mid-air and pulls his hand back with a nervous laugh. Felix either doesn’t notice or pretends not to see.

They enter the building and Hyunjin points out the bulletin board, explaining that all important info is always there. He doesn’t look at Felix’s info, wanting to give him some privacy since he’s new. Then they round the corner and Hyunjin knocks on the open door of the guides’ room to get the four guides’ attention.

“Hi, this is Felix, the new teen. Can someone take him to his room?” Hyunjin asks, gesturing to the small boy behind him. Changbin jumps up and comes over, ruffling Hyunjin’s hair and Hyunjin whines and squirms away, carding his fingers through his hair to smooth it out. Changbin feels more like a friend than guide, but he doesn’t seem to care about Hyunjin’s aversion to being touched.

“Isn’t that your job?” Changbin asks before looking over at Felix who bows, the fear back in his eyes. “Hi, I’m Changbin.” Changbin says, keeping an easy smile on his face.

“Isn’t helping us yours?” Hyunjin counters, earning an annoyed huff. Changbin is loud and often makes his emotions very clear verbally, and maybe that’s why Hyunjin trusts him so much. It’s easy to tell how he’s feeling without having to interpret a body language he doesn’t really understand.

“I have to go to class, I have some very important doodles to draw, but I’ll see you at dinner?” Hyunjin says to Felix. A part of him doesn’t want to leave, but he should give Felix some space to get settled and rest.

“Yeah, sure.” Felix says with a short nod.

“I’ll make sure he gets there safely.” Changbin says. Hyunjin knows that he will, so he turns to leave the building, heading for class. He is already excited to see Felix again and it is so confusing that Hyunjin doesn’t know what to think. He never misses people, he doesn’t want to see anyone, and he’s never been lonely in his life. So why is he longing to see Felix again?

Chapter Text

- Week 1 -

- {   Felix   } -

Felix stops just inside the door of the dining hall, his heart stuttering with anxiety. The room is full of teenagers, and he doesn’t recognize anyone. Nothing makes him more uncomfortable than rooms full of people, especially strangers. It makes him feel out of control and like everyone is judging him where he stands frozen by the door.

He wishes that Changbin had come in with him, but he only showed Felix the right door and left with a reassuring smile. A smile is not very helpful now that he’s inside. He thought it was Changbin’s job as his social worker to help him and be there with him while he gets used to the place, but clearly, he’s expected to do this part alone.

It is overwhelming to be in a room with so many strangers, and Felix doesn’t know anything about how this place works. Does he wait for someone to give him food or does he serve himself? He can’t see any food, but it must be here somewhere. He can’t ask someone like any normal person would do. He’d rather starve than accidentally make someone’s day worse by talking to them when they fear nothing more than strangers.

He is frozen by the door until someone comes walking up to him. The guy isn’t looking at him, so Felix doesn’t realize he’s coming toward Felix until he’s standing right in front of him. Felix vaguely recognizes the dark hair falling into beautiful dark eyes, and there’s something about the mole under his eye that feels familiar.

“Are you lost?” The guy asks, smiling without it reaching his eyes. Felix just nods, unsure what to say. He still isn’t looking at Felix, keeping his eyes on something behind Felix’s face as if he can’t stand looking at him. Felix knows that some people are bad with eye contact, and with his own nerves, he doesn’t mind it.

“Yeah, I’m new.” Felix says, as if the guy won’t know that he’s never been here before. It doesn’t feel real that he’s here, he shouldn’t be, nothing is wrong with him. At least not enough to be committed to a mental hospital. He looks down at his feet and pulls his sleeves down just to make sure that they cover the bandages, and maybe there was a reason to send him here, he just doesn’t like it.

“I’ll show you.” The guy says, gesturing Felix over to the counter in the corner. A woman sits behind it, Felix didn’t see her from where he was standing. “This is Felix, you might have him under Yongbok.” He says and Felix wonders how he knows his name. The woman behind the counter smiles and tells them to wait, then she disappears into another room, coming back a moment later with a tray of food.

“Lee Yongbok?” She asks, and Felix nods, his voice lost. She hands the tray over and Felix tries to smile, but he’s so distracted by the guy who knows his name. Felix feels like he knows his name too, there’s a glimpse of a memory of talking to him, but it feels distant and hazy. It’s clear that he’s met this guy already, and he doesn’t know how to ask for his name without making it clear that he forgot.

“Come on.” The guy says, taking Felix over to a table where two other guys are sitting. Felix doesn’t recognize them at all, but he might have met them too. Hyunjin, he suddenly remembers. The guy with the mole under his eye is Hyunjin.

“This is Felix.” Hyunjin says to the other guys, gesturing to Felix as he sits down. Felix doesn’t like strangers, but he sits down beside Hyunjin, feeling comforted by him even though he’s a stranger too.

“I’m Seungmin.” One of the other guys say. He has dark hair that is slightly wavy where it falls into his eyes. He looks kind, and if Hyunjin trusts him, so does Felix.

“Jisung.” The other guy says. His hair is a little longer and dyed a silvery blue, dark roots coming in at the top. It looks like it used to be darker but faded over time, there are still darker streaks in some places. “Or Hanie, it’s up to you.” Felix is sure that he’ll forget both of the names, he barely remembers his own half the time.

“And you already met me.” Hyunjin says, digging into his food. Felix feels too tense to eat, but he takes a small bite, not wanting to raise any concern.

“Hyunjin.” Felix says, just to be sure that he remembers correctly. It feels like his lips are already used to the shape of his name, and he wonders if he’s said it before or if it’s just because he feels so safe.

“Yeah, that’s me.” Hyunjin says with a smile that Felix returns. He already knows that Hyunjin is his safe person here. He always grasps onto someone, so he’ll have something safe to hold onto, and some part of him already chose Hyunjin.

“So, what do I need to know about this place?” Felix asks. It feels strange to be in a place he’s supposed to call home, knowing that there are rules and restrictions for every part of his day. He’s never been in treatment before, so he doesn’t know what to expect from this place. No one took his shoelaces when he came in, but that doesn’t mean his sheets aren’t made of paper.

“Depends on what you know.” Seungmin says. Felix tries to think back and remember anything he’s been told, but it feels like a black hole in his brain. He knows that he’s been told a lot, but he can’t think of much, he can barely remember being in the meeting this morning.

“I know that I’m a patient at a mental hospital.” Felix says the only thing that is clear to him. Maybe he will get help to start remembering more, or at least to understand how it’s possible to forget hours or entire days at a time. He doesn’t like the explanation he’s been given in the past.

“Felix, no.” Hyunjin chuckles, widening his eyes dramatically. “Did you not hear what I said earlier?” He laughs, and Felix tries to laugh along, pretending that he remembers what Hyunjin is talking about. He only knows that he’s met Hyunjin before because he pieced it together in the last few minutes. He doesn’t remember anything Hyunjin might have said.

“I have a really bad memory, sorry.” Felix says sheepishly, looking down to hide the way his smile falters. He wishes that he could remember things like a normal person, but it’s so hard when he isn’t even present for every moment of his life. Things slip out of his brain, and he will never get used to the pit he gets in his stomach when someone talks about things he doesn’t remember doing.

“You’re right, it is called Busan Psychiatric Hospital, but we’re not allowed to call it that. BPH is a ‘treatment home’ and we are ‘teens’ and the social workers are ‘hope guides’.” Jisung explains, adding finger quotes around all the terms and saying them in the most sarcastic tone. “If you ask me, the fence surrounding us doesn’t really feel like a home.” He adds and Felix bites back a laugh. It shouldn’t be funny but locking them in and making them call it home is laughable.

“Oh, right, I remember now.” Felix says, even though he doesn’t. “What do our days look like?” He asks to change the subject. Hopefully this is new information that he hasn’t been told already.

“During weekdays it is breakfast, school, lunch, more school, group or therapy, dinner, some activity, bed. Weekends are the same but activities instead of school and therapy.” Seungmin says, counting on his fingers as he speaks. It sounds overwhelming, like they won’t have a second to themselves.

“But you can skip pretty much anything, they won’t push you if you say no. Unless it’s therapy, then your psychologist will come to your room. And if you skip too many meals, they’ll think you have an eating disorder and put you on a meal plan and you have to eat with the adults so they can watch you.” Hyunjin explains, making it sound a little less intimidating. The schedule may be packed, but Felix can stay in his room if he wants.

“Your schedule should be in your room.” Jisung adds, speaking with his mouth full. Felix tries to remember if he saw a schedule in his room, but he can’t even remember how the room looked. He probably wasn’t present for that moment either.

“I must not have noticed it.” Felix says with a shrug. He doesn’t like to say that he forgot everything. People will think that something is seriously wrong with him, and they would be right, but he doesn’t want them to know that.

“Or you don’t remember.” Hyunjin says with a soft smile. Something about the way he says it makes Felix smile, holding back a laugh. It doesn’t hit a nerve like every time his parents or sisters or friends from home pointed it out.

“Yeah, probably. I need it scrawled into my skin in order to remember.” Felix jokes, looking down at his plate to try for another bite of food. The table suddenly goes very silent, and Felix looks up to see a tense look on Hyunjin’s face. It dawns on him that the joke could’ve been interpreted very differently than he meant it.

“In ink, like, like with a pen.” Felix stutters to explain. “Did I say something wrong?” He continues when it’s still silent. He looks across the table and sees Jisung and Seungmin holding back laughs, their lips twitching and eyes sparkling.

“We love using dark humour, just don’t let the staff hear you.” Hyunjin says quietly, like he’s scared of being overheard. “If they hear you say anything that can be interpreted as wanting to harm yourself, you’ll be put on watch.”

“That sounds bad.” Felix says, nervous about what ‘watch’ means. This is the part of being in a ‘treatment home’ that he feared.

“An adult will follow you everywhere. You can’t even close the bathroom door, and they’ll watch you sleep.” Jisung explains. He sounds so nonchalant, like it’s a normal thing to happen, but it makes anxiety twist in Felix’s gut.

“For how long?” Felix asks nervously. It doesn’t feel like being followed everywhere he goes would help by any means. What if they put him on watch when he doesn’t really need it? That is a scary thought.

“Until they deem you safe.” Seungmin says with a shrug. They all seem so desensitized to all of this; it makes Felix wonder how often they see these things. Maybe they’ve even been on watch and that’s why it isn’t scary to them anymore.

“Damn, okay. There goes half my humour.” Felix tries to joke, trying to lift the mood a little. He needs to know these things, but it makes him long for home. It is clear that he doesn’t have the same freedom here, even if it is for his own safety.

“We all joke about it, just don’t let the adults hear.” Jisung makes it sound so simple, but it sounds exhausting to always be aware of who is listening. Felix copes with humour, and some of his jokes might sound brutal to some, but he never means any of it.

“And don’t talk about why you’re here in front of them. We’re only supposed to talk about happy things outside of group therapy. They don’t want us to trigger each other.” Seungmin adds. All of the rules are starting to get overwhelming. Felix doesn’t know if he will even remember this conversation and that scares him.

“What do they do if they hear it?” Felix asks, scared of the answer. He wants to remember this, tries to commit it to memory so he won’t slip up and do something that gets him in trouble.

“You’ll probably just be scolded, but if they think you’re also a danger to yourself, they put you in time-out for a day.” Seungmin says. That term sends a chill down Felix’s spine, probably for reasons he doesn’t remember.

“What?” Felix says with a forced laugh, covering the sudden anxiety gripping his throat. He knows that he has trauma, but he knows it in the same way that he knows that he was born. He has no memory of it, but there is no doubt that it happened. The term ‘time-out’ seems to trigger the part of him that remembers.

“I know it sounds childish, but they refuse to call it isolation, which is what it really is. You’re locked in a small room with just a bed.” Hyunjin says, and somehow ‘isolation’ doesn’t sound as scary. Time-out must be the softer word for isolation, as if that will make the threat of being locked in a small, stripped-down room any less scary.

“And they don’t want to call this a mental hospital?” Felix says, staring down at the table and picking at his food. He would almost feel better if he could say that he’s a patient in a mental hospital. Trying to force everything to sound so positive makes the reality of being here harder to face. And it is so cringy, who even came up with ‘hope guide’?

“Nope.” Hyunjin says, popping the ‘p’ in a way that makes Felix smile. His voice is grounding, bringing Felix back into the room. He didn’t even realize that he was starting to fade. He feels the pull, but he fights it.

“This place is all about facades. It looks great on the outside, and you think that being here will help you, but it isn’t actually that great.” Jisung says. Felix already figured that out. It looks great on paper, making desperate parents send their teenagers here with the promise of fixing their kids.

“What do you do for fun around here?” Felix asks, needing to change the subject before he fades too much. Sometimes it is a relief to be pulled under and lose time, but he can’t think of anything worse than losing control here.

“Basically, anything in the activity building.” Jisung says, gesturing in what Felix assumes is the general direction of said building. He vaguely remembers a conversation about dance paired with a beautiful smile, that’s the memory Hyunjin’s name must have come from.

“Or breaking the rules with him.” Seungmin points at Hyunjin who raises his hands in defence.

“If you want to risk time-out.” Hyunjin says, using that word that gives Felix chills. He doesn’t know why his body is reacting to it.

“But you’re the expert at not being caught, so it isn’t that much of a risk.” Jisung says and Hyunjin lowers his arms, looking up at the ceiling with a guilty smile instead. Felix is intrigued about this part of Hyunjin, it sounds exciting to be around him.

“I think rules exist to be broken.” Felix says, loving the way Hyunjin’s lips change into a genuine smile before he lowers his gaze to look at him. His eyes still don’t meet Felix’s, but at least he’s looking at his face now.

“That’s exactly what he says.” Jisung says, pointing at Hyunjin with his fork before taking another bite. For a moment, Felix forgets where he is. It feels like they’re having lunch at school, just four normal people in a normal place.

“The activity building has a lot of fun stuff to do, and you can go there whenever you want. There’s a music room, a library, an art room, a gym, did I forget anything?” Hyunjin lists off, making this place sound a lot more bearable. Felix wants to explore those places with Hyunjin, he wants to see them through Hyunjin’s eyes. Everything seems more exciting that way.

“The dance studio.” Seungmin adds. Hyunjin’s eyes widen like he can’t believe he forgot and Felix laughs.

“Yeah! We have yoga class there every Friday.” Jisung adds. Felix isn’t interested in yoga, but he’s very interested in watching Hyunjin do yoga. He shouldn’t already have a crush on someone, but this is just who he is. He latches on very fast when he feels safe with someone.

“Has being here helped you?” Felix asks quietly, scared that he isn’t allowed to talk about this. It might be considered ‘negative’, but there aren’t any adults within earshot.

“They try, but it’s hard to really help when we see a lot of shit in here.” Seungmin says thoughtfully. Felix isn’t sure he wants to find out what he means, but he can imagine that he will understand sooner or later. There are very sick people here and it must be scary to watch something happen to them.

“A lot of us say that this place makes you sicker because while you’re getting help, you’re also observing teens who are sicker or sick in different ways than you, and it’s hard to not learn from them.” Hyunjin says. It makes a lot of sense, and it is exactly why Felix was terrified to come here.

“You have to be careful with who you hang with. Some will only drag you down, but if you get good friends, they will help you more than your treatment.” Jisung says softly, probably trying to lighten the mood a little. Felix feels like he already made one good friend, and hopefully Seungmin and Jisung will be his friends too, so maybe this place can be good for him. He just has to stay away from bad influences.

“I feel like I should take notes or something, I’ll forget so much of this.” Felix chuckles, letting out some of the pressure in his chest before it pulls him under.

“Scrawl it into your skin.” Jisung says. Suddenly everyone is laughing again, and Felix can breathe a little easier.

- { >< } -

Felix pulls clothes out of his bag and puts them in the dresser on his side of the room. He has brought some things from home to make the room feel like his own, but even the other side of the room that is already decorated looks like a hospital room.

There are drawings above the bed and art supplies on the desk, but the walls are still that textured yellow-white wallpaper that seems to be in every medical building, and the bed has light blue sheets that will tear if any pressure is applied to them.

Not to mention that the window doesn’t open and there’s no closet to hang clothes in. All the hooks in the room are glued on, sitting so loosely that they couldn’t even bear the weight off too much fabric. The door has a small window at face height, and the rooms don’t seem to be sound isolated at all. He can hear someone walking downstairs and soft music coming through the walls.

Every part of this room, and the entire building, has been set up to keep someone safe from themselves. No amount of decorating or adding personal touch will take away from that. It looks and feels and smells like a hospital and it makes Felix want to crawl out of his own skin.

Once he’s put away his clothes, he pulls some pictures out of his bag and pins them to the wall above his bed. They look sad hanging there, even though they’re filled with smiles. There are pictures of his parents, sisters and closest friends. He couldn’t get any of Chan, Minho, Yongbok and Jeongin, but he pretends that they’re in the pictures too, blended in with his other friends. They’re the people closest to him, and yet he doesn’t have a single picture of them.

There’s a sadness pulling at him when he sees his mom’s smile. She hasn’t smiled a lot recently and he knows that he’s the reason for it. He knows that having a sick kid is the most painful thing for a mother, and that it isn’t his fault, but he still feels like he is to blame. Maybe if he tried a little harder, it wouldn’t affect her like this.

He is here because of an incident that he knows terrified her, but he doesn’t remember what happened. There are bandages on his wrists proving that it was real, but it is just another blank hole in his mind. He has no memory of trying to hurt himself. It doesn’t even feel like a faded dream, there’s nothing at all where the memory should be. He would have sworn that he didn’t do it if the marks weren’t left on his body.

Felix doesn’t have a reason to hurt himself, he can’t even imagine what a good reason would be. He can’t understand how much pain someone must be in to feel the need to do that, and he doesn’t understand what made him feel that much pain. It doesn’t make any sense to him, and it is terrifying to know that he can be pulled under and do something like that without being aware of it.

That fear is what kept him from fighting getting admitted. Knowing why these episodes happen clearly doesn’t stop them from happening, and he can’t seem to keep himself safe. BPH is probably better than psych wards at hospitals, but he still wishes that he had fought to stay home.

He is startled when the door suddenly opens, and someone tumbles inside, looking like he ran here. When he straightens up, Hyunjin’s face appears from behind his hair, red and sweaty. He stops moving with his mouth half-open, looking at Felix in confusion.

“Why are you in my room?” Hyunjin asks, narrowing his eyes. Felix didn’t expect Hyunjin to be his roommate, but he’s happy that he is. He was nervous about sharing a room with someone, but this feels safe.

“I guess I’m your new roommate.” Felix says with a smile. He’s excited that he gets to spend a lot of time with Hyunjin like this. In a sort of normal way, just hanging out in their room. It will allow him to get to know Hyunjin in a much more personal and relaxed way.

“I don’t have roommates.” Hyunjin says while shifting his weight from foot to foot and fiddling with his hands. He seems uncomfortable and suddenly Felix worries that this isn’t really his room. Changbin took him to the door, but he could’ve made a mistake.

“Is this room 3?” Felix asks, forcing himself to take a breath to calm himself down. It has to be the right room, but Hyunjin seems so sure that it isn’t. Logically he knows that mistakes are fine, but he will very possibly break down if he made a mistake.

“Yeah, my room. My single room.” Hyunjin says, sounding increasingly frustrated. Felix doesn’t understand what the problem is when this is the right room.

“I was put in room 3 too. Changbin took me here.” Felix explains, he remembers that much. Changbin showed him this room after dinner. It has to be the right one. His things had been put here earlier, so if it was a mistake, multiple people must have made it.

“Changbin is your guide?” Hyunjin asks. He looks like he’s about to burst into tears and Felix wants to hug him and figure out why this is so distressing so he can help, but he doesn’t move.

“Yeah.” Felix confirms, but he turns to look at his bulletin board again, just to confirm that Changbin’s name is still beside ‘assigned hope guide’.

“But that’s not possible. I don’t have roommates.” Hyunjin sounds desperate, like if he repeats it enough times it will become true.

“I thought everyone had roommates.” Felix says, remembering something about each room having two teens. Hyunjin might have had a single before Feix showed up, but now the other side of the room is needed.

“But not me.” Hyunjin says it so desperately that Felix doesn’t know what to say. It is clear that this is very difficult for Hyunjin, but Felix doesn’t understand why. It makes him feel out of place and like he’s intruding, like he isn’t welcome here.

“This has to be a mistake.” Hyunjin mutters before turning on his heels and leaving the room. Felix instinctively follows him, scared that it really is a mistake, that someone messed up somehow. Hyunjin practically runs down the hallway, and Felix struggles to keep up with him, trailing after him down the stairs. He watches Hyunjin run up to the guides’ room, but doesn’t follow him there, having a feeling that he should keep his distance.

“He’s in my room?” Hyunjin asks, gripping the door frame so tightly that his knuckles turn white. Felix can’t hear what the answer is, the voices are too far away and muffled by the walls. Hyunjin drags a hand over his face before going back to fidgeting.

“But I don’t have roommates.” Hyunjin says, sounding increasingly angry. Felix can imagine that it feels like no one is listening to him, but Hyunjin isn’t listening to anyone else either. He is so set in the idea that he can’t have roommates that he doesn’t want to hear anything else.

“But they said-” Hyunjin is cut off, and then he starts yelling. “They can’t do that without telling me!” Felix jumps at how loud his voice is, taking a step back. He can’t handle people being angry around him, it is terrifying.

“It’s not fair! I need to be alone!” Hyunjin continues yelling. “Put him in Yungho’s room! He doesn’t have to be alone!” It makes Felix feel so unwanted that he feels tears pressing behind his eyes. He trusted Hyunjin from the first moment they spent together, but seeing this side of him is scary.

“They can’t decide that for me!” Felix doesn’t know who ‘they’ are, he can’t hear anything anyone else says. Hyunjin is moving around and almost aggressively picking at his hands. If Felix looks close enough, he can see that Hyunjin’s hands are shaking.

“But I have to be alone!” Hyunjin’s words end in a sob as he folds in on himself. The sudden change of emotion makes Felix want to rush over and give him a hug, but he doesn’t move. He sees Changbin appear at Hyunjin’s side, and Hyunjin yells at him to get away, stumbling back and losing his balance. He curls up on the floor, rocking back and forth and pulling at his hair.

He’s wailing, screaming and crying, and pushing away anyone who comes too close. Felix feels himself slipping at the sight, swaying a little where he stands as a heaviness comes over him. This is probably triggering to the part of him that remembers the trauma. He needs to get away from this situation before it’s too late.

It hurts to leave Hyunjin, but Felix backs up until he reaches the stairs and rushes back to his room, slamming the door behind himself and sinking to the floor.

Chapter Text

- Week 2 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin wakes up early so he can leave the room before Felix wakes up. He has done this every morning since Felix got here last week, avoiding the room as much as possible so he won’t have to face his roommate. At first it was because he wanted to cry at the thought of not being alone anymore, but over the last week it turned into something else.

Felix confuses him. Hyunjin wants to spend every minute of every day with him, but that makes no sense, so it is easier to avoid him. Every time he sees Felix, a warmth spreads in his chest, and he wants to be the reason for Felix’s smile. Hyunjin doesn’t feel warm things for people. It just doesn’t happen. And he doesn’t understand what it means that he feels it for Felix.

So, he quietly gets out of bed and sneaks out of the room half an hour before Felix’s alarm will go off. He tiptoes down the hall and down the stairs, reaching the bathrooms and taking a shower before anyone else wakes up. It is peaceful in the mornings. The building is still quiet and calm, but it will get loud soon enough.

After getting dressed and brushing his teeth, he leaves the bathroom, planning to go to the art room until school starts. He’s halfway to the front door when Changbin appears out of nowhere, laying a hand on his shoulder and making him jump in surprise.

“Changbin hyung.” Hyunjin says, surprised that he’s here this early. Usually, the guides arrive after school starts, sometime before lunch. It doesn’t mean that they can’t come earlier, but their shifts are already very long.

“Are you feeling alright?” Changbin asks gently. He must know that something is up, Hyunjin was never out of his room this early before. He would more or less stumble out of bed and barely stop by breakfast before going to school, sleeping for as long as possible.

“Yeah, fine.” Hyunjin says shortly, aware that he’s a terrible liar. Changbin lets go of Hyunjin’s shoulder and Hyunjin subconsciously brushes his own hand over the area, trying to remove the lingering feeling of the touch.

“I tried to get you out of time-out.” Changbin says, reminding Hyunjin where he spent Friday night. Meltdowns get him thrown into time-out; they don’t understand that he doesn’t want to hurt himself.

“It’s okay. It’s quiet there.” Hyunjin really doesn’t mind being put in time-out. He needs some quiet time to himself after meltdowns and no one ever bothers him there. Changbin nods in understanding and Hyunjin waits for the hand wave that allows him to leave.

“How is the roommate thing going?” Changbin doesn’t let him go yet, and Hyunjin just shrugs. He doesn’t want to tell Changbin that he doesn’t mind sharing a room with Felix anymore. There is no way to explain why he’s still avoiding Felix; he isn’t entirely sure he understands it himself.

“I understand why you want to be alone, but we can’t go against your parents’ wishes.” Changbin says, probably trying to be comforting. Hyunjin is beyond mad at his parents for telling BPH that it would be a good idea to give him a roommate. And he doesn’t want to call them and ask why they changed their mind about his single room.

“I know.” Hyunjin says. He’s just a teen with no control over his own life, that’s nothing new to him. And truth be told, he knows why his parents changed their mind. They don’t believe that autism is a real thing, so they think that making him socialize will help him get over his struggles.

“Yongbok isn’t the worst roommate though, right?” Changbin asks, but Hyunjin isn’t sure what he means. Worse than what? Compared to who? Hyunjin hasn’t shared a room with anyone before, so in some ways Felix is both his best and worst roommate.

“I wouldn’t know.” Hyunjin says with a shrug. Rooming with Felix isn’t bad, but it isn’t great either. It’s just fine, but Hyunjin will always choose being alone over being with someone. That isn’t entirely true though, he hates the thought of not sharing rooms with Felix anymore, and that is exactly why he’s so confused.

“I just mean that he seems quiet and respectful of your space.” Changbin clarifies, and that is true. Felix doesn’t try to talk to him, and he doesn’t intrude on Hyunjin’s space. Hyunjin likes that, but he also wants every minute of his day to be filled with Felix’s voice. He wants Felix to cross the room and sit beside Hyunjin on his bed while they learn everything there is to know about each other.

“Are you avoiding him?” Changbin asks, finally getting to the point. Hyunjin tries to look surprised, spluttering a little before he figures out what to say.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hyunjin plays dumb, hoping Changbin will let it go. Hyunjin needs more time to figure out how he feels and what it means before he can talk about it.

“Look, I know you have your reasons, but frankly, it’s hurting him.” Changbin says, leaving no room for Hyunjin to misunderstand. He is genuinely surprised this time, having not even thought about the possibility that this is hurting Felix. It makes so much sense, and he’s mad at himself for not considering what consequences his actions were having.

“Really?” Hyunjin says, earning a nod and a tight smile. “I didn’t realize.” In this moment, he knows that he has to stop avoiding Felix. He never wanted to hurt anyone and knowing that he did makes his chest ache. He can’t stand being the reason for anyone’s pain.

“Talk to him, okay?” Changbin says, but it doesn’t really sound like a question. It doesn’t really matter though because that was Hyunjin’s plan anyway. He needs to tell Felix that he didn’t do anything wrong and that they’re okay, Hyunjin just didn’t know what to do and he forgot that Felix had feelings too.

“Yeah, I will.” Hyunjin says, finally getting the wave that allows him to leave. He stops by the dining hall to pick up some breakfast to take to the art room. Taking food out of the dining hall isn’t allowed unless they take it to their room, but Hyunjin doesn’t care. He sneaks out a bowl of cereal. It isn’t that hard to do; breakfast is self-serve so there are no meal coordinators here and no other teens are here yet.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he quickly makes it to the art room, finding his regular spot by the window. He isn’t sure what he wants to make, so he gets a few different supplies, a set of pencils, watercolours and markers and lays them all out.

He takes a bite of his cereal and picks up a pencil, letting his hands do their thing without giving it much thought. While he sketches the general shape of a face, he thinks of Felix. He didn’t realize that he was hurting him, so caught up in his own emotions that he didn’t even consider it. He feels terrible, but he doesn’t know how to explain why he’s so confused to Felix.

He wants to know everything about Felix, even though it never occurred to him to ask anyone questions about themselves. He expects people to tell him what they want him to know without being prompted, but there are so many questions he wants to ask Felix. He wants to know about his interests and emotions and memories and opinions. He could describe a shopping list and Hyunjin would be interested.

Despite never knowing how to support his friends when they’re struggling, he wants to be there every moment Felix is hurting, especially when Hyunjin causes the hurt. He wants to know about his struggles and pains, and he wants to help. He always hurts for people who are hurting, being overly empathetic, but he doesn’t know how to help them. He has no clue what to even do, but he would be there for Felix, even if he couldn’t do anything but hug him.

And that is another confusing thing. Hyunjin hates being touched, but he wants to hug Felix and hold him close and never let go. Hyunjin wants to know how the smaller boy fits against his body. He wants to feel how warm he is in his arms and the beating of his heart through his chest.

Hyunjin is okay with not being a loving person in the same way as most people. He thinks that he is a good friend anyway. He would die for Jisung and Seungmin if it meant saving their lives, and it’s okay that he expresses that differently than other people. But with Felix he wants all of the normal things, and it makes no sense to him.

If Hyunjin is a loner with no social needs who would be fine alone in a room without human contact for weeks, then how can Felix come in and change everything with one smile? In fact, he doesn’t even have to smile, his existence is enough to turn Hyunjin’s life upside down.

Before Hyunjin knows it, he has missed the first period of class and Felix’s face is appearing on the page in front of him. Despite avoiding him, Hyunjin has memorized every detail of Felix’s face. The little scar on his chin, the curve of his lips and angle of his jaw. It all appears on the page as easily as if he’s drawn it thousands of times.

There’s a heart-shaped freckle under Felix’s eye that he wants to press his lips into. Hyunjin sits back in surprise at that thought. Since when did he want to kiss Felix? He always found the idea of pressing his lips against someone else’s skin gross. It doesn’t seem clean or enjoyable, but for some reason, he wants to feel how soft Felix’s skin is under his lips.

It all makes Hyunjin more confused than ever. He doesn’t like people, he isn’t capable of romantic feelings, so why is he so caught up on Felix? Even while avoiding him, he couldn’t stop watching Felix.

He supposes it’s natural for teenagers to be curious about these things. Maybe some part of him decided that Felix will be the one to help him figure out if he can even have those types of feelings.

It would be strange to have a friend he genuinely wants, and that sounds horrible even to himself, but it’s true. He’s never been the one who tried to become someone’s friend. He makes friends by being annoyed at not being left alone by someone, but not wanting to say it to their face, and then suddenly they’re his close friend that he never wants to lose, and he doesn’t know when it changed.

He doesn’t know how to do this any other way. It seems terrifying to seek Felix’s friendship, to genuinely want something that he might have already ruined by being so self-absorbed. It is safe to not try to make friends, he never cares if it doesn’t work out, but if Felix doesn’t want to be his friend because Hyunjin hurt him, he would be crushed.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin finishes the drawing right before lunch, folding it up and putting it in his pocket where no one will find it. Then he takes his empty bowl and heads down to the dining hall, discreetly putting it with the other dirty dishes before going to get his lunch.

He is on his way over to Jisung and Seungmin when he spots Felix sitting alone at a table. He looks uncomfortable, picking at his food and looking around with fear in his eyes. Hyunjin remembers how he wanted to do anything he could to help Felix on the first day and hates that he let his own emotion overshadow that. It hurts to see him now, alone in a new place and clearly anxious.

Before Hyunjin can change his mind, he walks over and sets his plate on Felix’s table. Felix looks up at him with wide eyes before frowning. “Can I sit here?” Hyunjin asks even though he has no plans of leaving. He needs to do this; Felix deserves an apology.

Felix quietly nods and watches him sit down. Hyunjin doesn’t know what to say now that he’s here, not even sure how to breathe in Felix’s presence. Felix doesn’t say anything either, waiting for Hyunjin to talk first.

Felix is probably mad at him; he has every reason to be when Hyunjin was so inconsiderate. This is his problem, he hurts people even though he tries not to, and he hates that his brain works this way. He wishes that he didn’t get so focused on his own thoughts and emotions that he forgets that he isn’t the only one who has them.

To Hyunjin, Felix is gentle and kind, all round edges and softness, he could never hurt anyone even if he tried. It would be like getting cut on a cloud. But Hyunjin is the opposite, he is all sharp edges. He doesn’t mean to hurt anyone, but it’s hard to keep other people safe when he’s surrounded by spikes that cut anything that comes too close.

Felix looks at him with wide eyes for a long moment, looking like he’s barely breathing. He looks so far away that Hyunjin almost snaps his fingers in front of his face, but he doesn’t want to scare him. Then a sense of calm comes over Felix and the fear retreats from his eyes. He’s suddenly the same boy who talked about dance like he didn’t have a care in the world, and when he starts breathing again, so does Hyunjin.

“I shouldn’t have avoided you.” Hyunjin finally figures out how to make his mouth work. Felix looks up and their eyes meet for a split second before Hyunjin can react and look away. He hates eye contact so much, it feels like the other person is staring through his soul, but he finds himself thinking that getting a glimpse of Felix’s beautiful eyes wasn’t that bad.

“Then why did you?” Felix asks, looking back down at his food. Hyunjin feels like Felix doesn’t want him here, and it feels terrible, and it only makes him feel worse about making Felix feel this way all week. The last six days must have been torture for him. Especially during the weekend when Hyunjin had to work extra hard to not be in the same room as him.

“I just didn’t know what to say to you.” Hyunjin cringes at how horribly he’s explaining himself. Words are hard, especially when he’s trying to talk about emotions he’s never felt before.

“It’s okay, we don’t have to be friends.” Felix says. It shouldn’t be surprising that Felix would interpret Hyunjin’s behaviour this way. If Hyunjin had used his head, he would’ve realized that he was telling Felix to stay away, but he didn’t use his head.

“Really?” Hyunjin doesn’t know what else to say, how to explain that all of this happened because of how much he wants to be Felix’s friend. Hyunjin didn’t avoid Felix because Felix hurt him or gave him a reason to be mad, he did it because he liked Felix too much. It feels so stupid to be in this situation because Hyunjin is confused by his fondness for the blonde boy.

“Yeah, I don’t mind.” Felix says with a shrug, like he’s trying to seem unaffected. “I mean, it was nice for someone to talk to me when I was new, but we don’t have to be friends.” He looks way too tense to really not care, he’s just trying not to show it.

“Is that really what you want?” Hyunjin asks, wondering if maybe Felix doesn’t want to be friends. Hyunjin hurt him before they even got to know each other, why would he give Hyunjin a chance?

“I know you don’t want me here; I know I shouldn’t be in your room, so it doesn’t matter what I want.” Felix spits the words and Hyunjin tells himself that he doesn’t have the right to be hurt. He did this, and Felix is entitled to his emotions. Hyunjin closes his eyes and forces out his next words.

“I want to be your friend, Felix.” He says, keeping his eyes closed out of fear of the reaction. Maybe this is exactly why he’s never attempted to make a friend before, if it is always this complicated, it is too much work to be worth it. But Felix feels worth it.

“What?” Felix asks in surprise, but Hyunjin still doesn’t look at him. He looks up at the ceiling and tries to think of a way to explain what happened. He was never mad that Felix was in his room, but he didn’t know that the change was coming, and it was already a stressful day. It was just the last straw for him that day. He didn’t mean to make Felix feel so unwelcome before storming out of the room.

“I’m just so… I don’t like change, and no one told me that I would share a room with anyone.” Hyunjin explains, but it doesn’t feel like it explains anything. If anything, it sounds like he’s confirming that he doesn’t want Felix in his room. “But it’s good, I like having you there.” He adds, trying to show how genuinely he means it. He didn’t think that he would be okay with having a roommate, but he really likes having Felix around.

“You barely even look at me, you’re gone before I wake up and you only come back right before lights out.” Felix points out. Hyunjin lets out a long sigh, frustrated at how bad he is with words. He wishes that he could put together the right words to explain himself without making everything so complicated.

How does he explain to Felix that he likes him too much? It would sound like a lie to say that he was avoiding him because he felt too good around him. He couldn’t stand being in the same room as him because it made him too warm on the inside and the tingle in his skin reminded him so much of being overstimulated. It was easier to avoid it so he didn’t have to figure it out.

“I’m so confused, I don’t know how to feel.” Hyunjin says, tapping his fingers against the table. His food sits forgotten in front of him, he’s too distracted by the conversation and his thoughts.

“What are you so confused about?” Felix asks, his hand stretching out across the table but stopping before their skin touches. Hyunjin wants to touch his hand, and he doesn’t understand what it is about Felix that changes everything he thought he knew about himself.

“I just- I don’t care about people, but I care about you, and it’s so confusing, I didn’t know what to do.” Hyunjin says, aware that it sounds cold. It’s not that he doesn’t care about people, just not in this way. He doesn’t feel it, he’s just aware that he does. He isn’t used to feeling his body pulling him toward another person.

“So you avoided me.” Felix says, somehow making sense of what Hyunjin is saying. It still sounds terrible to Hyunjin, and he feels like he severely overreacted to something that is so normal to most people.

“I avoided the feeling, but it didn’t work. I still feel it and it won’t go away.” Hyunjin tries to clarify that it was never about Felix. He wanted to spend time with Felix, but he didn’t know how to handle the feeling it caused.

“What feeling?” Felix asks. Hyunjin inches his hand forward until their fingertips come together, and a tingly warmth flows up his arm, so he pulls back. He thinks it feels good, but it’s overwhelming and he doesn’t know what it means. Is it really normal for people to feel this way about their friends?

“It was so much easier when I didn’t care about people, I never had to risk rejection, and it is terrifying.” Hyunjin admits. As much as the feeling overwhelms him, he never wants to lose it. He wants Felix to be available every time he needs to feel it because he is already dependent on it.

“Why would I reject you?” Felix leans down to get into Hyunjin’s field of vision and Hyunjin can’t help but smile at how cute it is. He is so much nicer than Hyunjin deserves, but that’s just who Felix is, with all of his soft edges.

“Because you might not want to be friends with someone like me. I hurt people, and I don’t mean to, I just don’t understand how to do the friendship thing.” Hyunjin tries to say it in a way that makes sense, but it feels like everyone else knows how to be friends from a very young age, and Hyunjin never learned. Now he really wishes that he had tried even though he didn’t want to, so he would know how to do this with Felix.

“Please correct me if I’m wrong; you want to be friends, but you’re scared of hurting me because this is new to you?” Felix says, looking at him with those dark eyes that pull Hyunjin in. Hyunjin keeps his eyes on the tip of Felix’s nose, but he can still see them clearly.

“Yeah, and you deserve someone who will never hurt you, even on accident.” Hyunjin says quietly. He hates thinking of himself as someone who hurts people, but it is the truth. He has already hurt Felix because he didn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to prevent it from happening again.

“You know there is a very simple solution, right?” Felix smiles, straightening back up. Hyunjin doubts it; if there was a solution, he would have thought of it at some point. His mind has been racing for days, searching for answers, but they don’t exist.

“What?” Hyunjin asks when Felix doesn’t continue. He wants Felix to be right, so much that he wouldn’t mind admitting that he was wrong this time. He hopes that there is something his mind wasn’t capable of coming up with on its own, but that might mean that it’s something he can’t do.

“Communication.” Felix says it like it’s nothing before going back to eating his food. If Hyunjin had the ability to communicate well, none of this would have happened. If he could use his words to figure this out, he would have done it a while ago.

“I’m not good at that.” Hyunjin says. The first thing people think of when they hear ‘autism’ is problems with communication, and there’s a reason for that. Hyunjin never knew how to do what was expected of him with communication, it is like a foreign language he is incapable of learning.

“You are doing it right now.” Felix points out and Hyunjin’s next words die in his throat. He didn’t think about that, but he kind of is. It’s messy and confusing and it takes too long for him to explain himself, but Felix understood what he was saying. He is so used to tearing himself down for the way he communicates, he never stopped to think that maybe he found his own way to do it.

“You can be good, Hyunjin. You said that you never want to hurt anyone, so if we communicate about how we feel, I think it will be okay. I will tell you if you do anything hurtful, and we can talk about it and figure it out, and vice versa. Friendship isn’t about being perfect and never fighting; it’s about being there for each other and caring if we do something wrong.”

“You really think it’s that simple?” Hyunjin asks. He feels lighter, like a weight has vanished from his shoulders. It sounds so easy, and maybe it is, but it is still terrifying. He could do everything in his power to make it work, and something could still go wrong.

“I know it is. This isn’t my first friendship.” Felix says. He seems so sure of it that Hyunjin thinks that maybe it can work. If he does what Felix says, he could potentially be a good friend. He doesn’t have to be perfect; he just has to be there for Felix and show how sorry he is when he does something wrong.

“I’m really sorry that I avoided you, I should’ve realized it hurt you.” Hyunjin says, meaning every word. It hurts him that he hurt Felix, and he never wants to feel this way ever again.

“You’re forgiven.” Felix says with a smile. That smile will be the death of Hyunjin. He feels his heart skip a beat at the sight and has to look away because it is too overwhelming. He won’t run away again, but he still doesn’t know how to handle the way Felix makes him feel.

“How is it so easy?” Hyunjin asks. He doesn’t feel like he deserves being forgiven. How can Felix let go of what he did so easily? Hyunjin will continue to feel bad for weeks; it doesn’t make sense for Felix to stop feeling hurt just because he apologized.

“Most people would just say ‘I’m sorry’, but you showed me that you understand what you did wrong and why it hurt me and you’re apologetic. You gave me a genuine apology, that’s why it’s so easy.” Felix explains. Maybe this is another normal thing that Hyunjin doesn’t understand, but he might be able to learn through Felix.

“So, we’re friends?” Hyunjin asks hopefully. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Felix rejects him, but he knows that it will hurt.

“What, do you want like a contract or something?” Felix laughs. He is beautiful when he laughs. His eyes light up and his face brightens, making it impossible for Hyunjin to not smile too.

“Last time I checked, my name wasn’t Sheldon Cooper.” Hyunjin says, earning another laugh from Felix. Most people wouldn’t understand that reference, but it seems like Felix did.

“Yes, we’re friends.” Felix says. The joy that spreads through Hyunjin is so intense that he can’t help but laugh. He feels like Felix will be good for him and he really hopes that he can be good for Felix too.

Chapter Text

- Week 3 -

- {   Felix   } -

“Felix…” A distant voice breaks through the fog and pulls Felix out from where he was hiding in his head. “Hey, Lix.” Someone snaps their fingers in front of his face and he’s suddenly in his body again. He blinks a few times to clear his vision and looks around, realizing that he’s in the dining hall.

“Lix?” He looks toward the voice, recognizing Hyunjin despite still feeling very far away. He looks around the room to try to figure out why he’s here, but he can’t tell what meal they’re having. Looking down at his plate, it looks like he ate whatever used to be there, so that’s no help either.

“Felix? Anyone home?” Hyunjin says and Felix forces a small laugh, but Hyunjin still looks worried. He didn’t feel himself slip earlier, or maybe he doesn’t remember. He doubts he would’ve known he lost time if he wasn’t so aware that Hyunjin expects him to know what is happening. He often has amnesia about having amnesia, but this time he snapped back into his body in the middle of a conversation.

“Yeah, sorry, what were we talking about?” Felix asks, pretending that he just spaced out for a moment. That’s probably what it looks like to Hyunjin. At least until it becomes clear that he has no idea what has been said or done in the last minutes, hours, or even days. It might not even be the same day as when he went to school in the morning.

“The music room, we’re going there now, do you want to join?” Hyunjin says it in a way that makes it clear he’s already asked multiple times. He expects the reminder to jog Felix’s memory, but it doesn’t sound familiar. Felix suddenly notices that Jisung and Seungmin are here too, and they look equally confused.

“Oh, yeah, yes, I do.” Felix tries a little too hard to sound okay, so it does nothing to reassure the three pairs of eyes looking at him. He figures that it must be dinner time, they would’ve at least mentioned skipping school if they just had lunch. Jisung and Seungmin are already getting up, but Felix isn’t sure how to make his body move yet. He feels so confused and disoriented that he wants to slip back under.

“Let’s go.” Hyunjin urges him on, getting up too. Felix tests his legs and when they move, he stands up, managing to only stumble a little before gaining his footing. He follows the others as they put away their dirty dishes and climb the stairs to get to the music room. Felix still feels a little out of it, so he goes to take a seat, feeling Hyunjin sit down beside him.

Jisung and Seungmin start playing with some of the instruments, and Felix just watches them, feeling himself grow a little more aware of his surroundings for every moment that passes. It can be scary to come out of the fog, but he feels Hyunjin by his side the whole time and it keeps him calm.

Felix jumps when something touches his hand, looking up to see Hyunjin’s smile. He’s reaching for Felix’s hand, holding out his own with a questioning look. Hesitantly, Felix sets his hand down on the small table in front of them, giving Hyunjin access without touching him. He watches Hyunjin grab a pen and bend down to scribble words onto Felix’s skin. The touch tingles and relaxes him at the same time, chasing away the last fog that hangs over him.

“There.” Hyunjin says happily, sitting back up and letting Felix see what he wrote. ‘Music room with Hyunie after dinner’. It makes Felix smile, holding his hand to his chest. Hyunjin saw that he was struggling to remember, so he wrote a reminder on Felix’s hand in case he forgets this too.

“I should’ve thought of that.” Felix smiles, realizing that it is a very good idea. He almost came up with it himself, but it was just a joke when he said it. It is heartwarming to see that Hyunjin took the joke and made it a solution to something Felix struggles with. He might not have a memory to match the words when he sees them later, but at least he’ll know what he’s been doing.

He’s only been here for two weeks, one of them he barely remembers, but the last one has been really good. The difference between the two weeks is Hyunjin’s friendship, and it is a little, or a lot, terrifying that he’s so dependent on Hyunjin, but maybe it isn’t just about Hyunjin.

It’s about having someone to spend his time with, someone to lean on so he doesn’t have to be all alone in a new place. It could’ve been anyone here, Hyunjin just happened to be the first one to be kind to him and offer to be his friend. And Hyunjin comes along with two other friends that have also taken him under their wing. Together they make up a fourth of the teens here, and that makes everything a little less scary.

Felix looks up when he hears Jisung belt out a high note. He didn’t even realize they were singing, so lost in his own thoughts. Before he can ask what’s going on, Seungmin follows it with a higher note. Jisung seems to take that as a challenge and goes even higher, and suddenly it’s a game to see who can do the highest note.

Felix is increasingly impressed by their abilities. It seems like both of them will continue until they reach an octave only dogs can hear, but then Seungmin’s voice cracks and he breaks off in a cough. They all break out in laughter and Jisung laughs so hard that he falls to the floor.

Felix hasn’t laughed like this in months. He forgot how it felt to laugh so openly, but his new friends have shown him that life can be fun. Anything Jisung is involved in can be turned into a joke and he seems to try really hard to make that true. Even if it’s just for a few moments, Felix gets to have fun in the music room and laugh without remembering where he is or why.

“You try then!” Jisung says to Felix, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. Felix waves his hands and shakes his head, trying to show that he doesn’t have a chance. He doesn’t even have to try; he knows that he can’t get his voice anywhere close to that high.

“I can’t go very high, but I can go deep.” Felix says. He used to do some rapping and beatboxing in school, and he always got told how deep his voice is, especially for his age.

“That’s what she said.” Jisung giggles and Felix rolls his eyes.

“Oh, grow up.” Seungmin whines, slapping the back of Jisung’s head. Jisung complains and rubs the spot, pretending that it really hurt. “How deep?” Seungmin asks, shushing Jisung when he tries to say something, no doubt another joke.

Felix clears his throat and takes a deep breath, telling himself that they’re his friends and he doesn’t need to be scared. Then he raps a few lines from a random song, allowing his voice to go as deep as it can.

“Woah! You sound like Batman.” Jisung exclaims, and Felix laughs even though he barely knows what Batman sounds like. He thinks Batman is the one with a fake deep voice, but he doesn’t know a lot about DC superheroes, he’s more into the MCU.

“Can you do ‘I’ll be your man’?” Seungmin asks excitedly. Felix thinks for a moment before starting to rap the part he remembers. A few seconds in, Jisung and Seungmin start harmonizing the vocals that are layered on top in the song. Felix is taken aback by how beautiful their voices are together, almost forgetting to keep rapping.

“Oh my god!” Hyunjin adorably exclaims in English when the room falls silent again. “I didn’t know your voice was so beautiful.” Felix doesn’t know what to say to that, covering his face with a hand to hide the flush in his cheeks. Hyunjin really seems to know how to make Felix blush; his honesty is refreshing, but he doesn’t seem to understand how much power his words have.

There’s suddenly a loud bang that makes Felix jump and cover his ears. His heart hammers in his chest and he breaks out in cold sweats, looking up to see Jisung sitting at the drums. He fights the urge to close his eyes, feeling himself starting to slip. He just cleared up, and they were having so much fun, but he isn’t good with sudden loud noises.

“Felix?” Hyunjin’s muffled voice reaches his ears, but Felix can’t move. He doesn’t feel in control of his body anymore and he can feel himself be pulled down. His body feels heavy, like he might fall over, and his eyes try to close. He wants to fight it, but he knows that he can’t stop it. He can only make the transition smoother by giving in to the feeling.

- { >< } -

Felix is woken up by someone shaking his shoulder. They’re persistent, not letting up until he opens his eyes with a groan and rolls over to see Hyunjin leaning over him. The ceiling light burns Felix’s eyes, so he squints while pushing himself up, wondering why Hyunjin woke him up when he just fell asleep. It feels like he was only out for a few minutes.

“Come with me.” Hyunjin whispers, gesturing for Felix to get up. It must be the middle of the night, and Felix has no clue where they would even go at this time. After lights out they’re only allowed to leave their rooms for the bathroom or to find a night guide, but he doubts that Hyunjin is planning on doing either of those.

“What? Why?” Felix still feels disoriented with sleep, not sure what he’s even saying. Hyunjin however, looks wide awake, like he never went to sleep.

“Just come with me.” Hyunjin smiles. Felix has no reason to not trust him, so he throws off his sheets and grabs a pair of sweatpants that match the hoodie he slept in before quickly pulling it on. “You’ll need your jacket and shoes too.” Hyunjin adds, making Felix aware that Hyunjin is already wearing his own.

“Where are we going?” Felix whispers, feeling like they’re doing something illegal just by being awake. He has no idea what time it is, but it’s dark outside and the building is quieter than he’s ever heard it.

“Not far.” Is all Hyunjin says. Felix grabs his jacket by the door and slips it on before bending down to put on his shoes. When he’s done, he holds out his arms as if to ask if this is good and Hyunjin nods approvingly.

“Stay behind me and don’t say a word.” Hyunjin whispers, then he goes to the door, opening it slowly and carefully so it doesn’t make a sound. He leads Felix through the door and down the hallway, in the opposite direction of the stairs. At the end of the hallway, there’s a heavy metal door, the kind that leads outside. Hyunjin punches a code into the lock and when he opens it, they’re met with a staircase. Hyunjin urges Felix through the door before gently closing it behind them.

“Where are we going?” Felix asks now that they can’t be overheard. He is beyond curious, and it is almost thrilling to do this. They have to be breaking a lot of rules right now, but he feels safe with Hyunjin, making this a fun adventure.

“You’ll see.” Hyunjin says, starting to walk up the stairs. Felix follows him up two flights of stairs, then there’s another door. When this one opens, they’re hit with fresh air and wind. They step outside and Felix’s eyes take a moment to adjust to the darkness before he realizes where they are.

“Is this the roof?” Felix asks, looking out at the view of the city. It is easy to forget where they are when all they see are the five buildings of BPH, but from here they can see so much of the city. This is the first time Felix notices that they’re right by the ocean. It looks to be a short walking distance away, and he never knew.

“Yeah, I usually come here to think. This place takes away so much of our freedom, but I feel free when I’m up here.” Hyunjin says, and Felix understands what he means. It doesn’t feel like they’re locked in a facility when they can see life on the outside. The bubble they’re usually in is broken and suddenly the rest of the world seems real again.

“Won’t anyone find us?” Felix asks, scared that the night guide will find their empty beds and come looking. The only thing he hates more than rules is being caught breaking them. It stops being fun when they get faced with consequences.

“Only if they know we’re gone. You’re not on watch, right? So, they have no reason to check on us. They’ll never know we were gone. Besides, I don’t get caught.” Hyunjin smiles, looking so sure about the last part. It reminds Felix of something Jisung said about breaking rules not being a risk when it’s with Hyunjin.

“Right, you’re the rulebreaker.” Felix says, walking up to the edge to get a better view. There’s a tall edge with a fence all around the roof, taller than Felix is. He wouldn’t expect anything less from a treatment home, there’s no way to climb off the roof this way.

“You remembered!” Hyunjin exclaims excitedly. Felix tries to hide how much he forgets, but it’s hard when he spends so much time with Hyunjin. Hyunjin seems to be able to hear the slight questioning tone in Felix’s voice when he pretends to remember something. Yet, he seems so clueless about many other things.

“I don’t forget everything.” Felix says, pouting at Hyunjin who just laughs. The city is truly beautiful from up here. The fence doesn’t cover the view too much, and after a couple of weeks of being locked in here, all of the lights are mesmerizing.

“Do you know why you forget so much?” Hyunjin asks. There’s an edge in his voice, like he isn’t sure if it’s okay to ask. Felix doesn’t want to acknowledge the explanation he’s been given for his amnesia, so he pretends to misunderstand the question.

“I think it depends on how I feel. Emotions help you create memories, which is why you probably mostly remember big moments from early in your life, so I guess that’s why I remember some things better than others, but it also depends on how aware I am of the moment.” Felix explains, finding it easier than expected to talk because the moment doesn’t feel entirely real now either.

“Aware?” Hyunjin questions curiously. Felix doesn’t know how to explain that he doesn’t know what it feels like to be certain that something is real. He always feels like he’s somewhere on the scale between a dream and being dropped into an alternate universe where everything is almost the same, but not quite.

“Yeah, like I space out a lot and my memory doesn’t work very well when that happens.” Felix says. He doesn’t like to think about everything he forgets. He should be used to it by now but having so many holes in his memory is scary. He has no idea what he did or said all those times he was unaware.

“I noticed. It’s kind of cute.” Hyunjin says softly. Felix turns to look at him, seeing his beautiful profile lit up by the warm glow of streetlights in the distance. His hair blows in the wind, making it flow around his face almost magically. Felix doesn’t understand how anyone can be so beautiful and seem so unaware of it.

“I didn’t mean to pry; you don’t have to tell me anything about diagnoses and stuff.” Hyunjin is suddenly looking right at Felix, holding eye contact for a moment before looking away. It is the first time Hyunjin has looked him in the eye without looking away in a panic and it makes a warmth blossom in Felix’s chest.

“No, it’s okay, I just don’t really have any that make sense, so there’s nothing to talk about.” Felix lies. It is exactly the kind of thing Minho would tell him to say and he would tell Felix that the lying is justified. He feels bad, but it almost doesn’t feel like he’s the one speaking, it is such an automatic reaction to lie because he needs Hyunjin to not be curious about it.

“I like to watch the buildings on the outside and imagine what their lives are like.” Hyunjin says, bringing Felix’s attention back to the city surrounding them. “Like, who is still awake? And is it because they can’t sleep, or do they work at night, or maybe they like to stay up late.” He sounds thoughtful. Felix looks out at the buildings, noticing all the windows that still have lights in them.

“I think that person likes it.” Felix points at the window he’s talking about, and Hyunjin leans in to try to follow the direction of his finger. “They have coloured lights.” Felix explains, and Hyunjin seems to find the place he’s pointing to, straightening back up with a nod. Felix immediately misses the warmth of his closeness. It is early October, and the weather is quickly growing cold.

“Or maybe they can’t stand the white glare of regular lights and they’ve been on social media for hours because sleep won’t come.” Hyunjin says, and that is probably more realistic than someone staying up because they’re having fun.

“Or they’re scared of the dark and sleep with them on.” Felix says, turning to look at Hyunjin again. His lips are so plump, Felix wants to know how soft they are. He wants to be closer to Hyunjin than he’s ever been with anyone else and it’s both scary and exciting at the same time.

“I wonder how many of those people know what this place is, or what goes on in here.” Hyunjin says into the night, looking down at his hands that are twisting together in an endless cycle. The lights reflect beautifully in his eyes, making them look like tiny galaxies.

“Maybe they think it’s as perfect as the website says.” Felix says, figuring that most people would look up the place out of curiosity, and they have no reason to not believe what they read.

“Or there’s local lore that means they are the only people who know the truth.” Hyunjin says, turning his head to rest his cheek on his hands against the fence. He looks right at Felix again, their eyes meeting before he moves his eyes down. “I don’t mean to be so pessimistic, sorry.”

“I don’t think you are. You just don’t romanticize life and it’s honestly refreshing. I’m so sick of all the talk about being positive and seeing the good side when life can be hell for a lot of people.” Felix says, hoping that Hyunjin understands what he means. Sometimes the best support comes from people who have the same outlook on life as you. It doesn’t mean that they pull each other down, they just meet each other where they’re at.

“Yeah, but I can get too negative sometimes and I never want to be a negative influence on you.” Hyunjin looks troubled, like he’s really worried about this. But if he was a negative influence, Felix wouldn’t feel so much better around him. Hyunjin somehow manages to make him feel seen in his struggles while lifting him up, and he doesn’t even know that he’s doing it.

“I promise to tell you if you ever are, but you have been a positive influence this far.” Felix tries to reassure him. He’s proud of Hyunjin for talking about it rather than deciding that he’s bad for Felix and avoiding him again. That was horrible, but Hyunjin is showing that he can communicate about things to make this work.

“Really?” Hyunjin looks unsurely at him, a deep frown on his face. Felix reaches out a finger to press between Hyunjin’s brows and sees him relax. It’s a trick he learned somewhere, and he’s taken to doing it to Hyunjin when he worries too much.

“I remember a lot more of the last week, which means that I’m able to relax enough to be present. You make me feel safe, and that is not easy to do.” Felix says, and Hyunjin smiles. If Felix wasn’t so anxious all the time, he wouldn’t need to escape, but Hyunjin has made the need to escape a little smaller.

“You make me feel safe too. There’s something about you that feels reassuring, almost like a protective parent.” Hyunjin says. Felix pouts and fixes him with a playful glare to hide the disappointment that Hyunjin’s words awaken in him.

“A parent?” Felix says dramatically. “I really hoped I wasn’t like family to you.” It sounds bad, but he just means that he wants to do things family never would. It feels like he is being friend-zoned, but it’s family-zoned and there’s no way out of that.

“Yeah? What did you want to be?” Hyunjin asks, and there’s almost a hint of hope in his voice. Felix figures that he doesn’t have a lot to lose, so he speaks honestly before he can stop himself.

“I want to kiss you.” Felix admits, his eyes flickering back down to those plump lips. They’re standing facing each other now, the city forgotten in the distance. Hyunjin looks so deep in thought that Felix worries that he will spontaneously combust, but then he nods.

“You can.” Hyunjin says. There is no emotion in his voice and Felix can’t tell if it’s because he’s overwhelmed or really doesn’t feel anything.

“Are you sure?” Felix asks. He doesn’t want to push too much and have Hyunjin freak out on him again. This feels like a big step to take so soon after meeting someone, but Felix knows what he wants. At first, he thought he was just hanging onto Hyunjin for safety in the same way he always does, but that initial obsession faded when Hyunjin avoided him for a week, and since they made up, the way he felt about Hyunjin only got stronger.

“I want you to kiss me.” Hyunjin sounds more sure of it this time, his smile telling Felix that he means it. Felix lays a gentle hand on Hyunjin’s cheek and slowly leans in. His heart speeds up in his chest and he feels his palms grow damp with anticipation. Then their lips meet, and Hyunjin’s lips are even softer than he expected them to be.

There is no explosive feeling like fireworks, but it feels safe and like home, a feeling Felix isn’t very familiar with. The moment feels like it lasts for an eternity, their lips pressed together in the most beautiful touch Felix has ever felt. Then he feels Hyunjin tense up and pulls back, worried that he was right about this being too much too soon.

“Is this okay?” Felix asks, shivering when Hyunjin’s breath fans over his lips. Hyunjin connects their lips again, pressing into him so gently that Felix’s lips tingle. Felix always heard about first kisses being awkward and bad, but this is the opposite of that. He could stay here forever, but it ends this time too.

“This is the feeling.” Hyunjin smiles, his hand covering Felix’s and keeping it on his cheek. Felix feels like he is watching Hyunjin discover that touch can feel good. He has seen how much Hyunjin avoids being touched, but now he is seeking Felix’s closeness, holding onto him like he never wants him to let go.

“What feeling?” Felix asks, his voice getting carried away by the wind. He is starting to shiver in the cold, but he wants to stay in this moment forever. Hyunjin starts digging through his pockets, pulling out a folded piece of paper. He carefully unfolds it and hands it over.

Felix’s voice gets stuck in his throat when he sees the drawing. His own face is looking back at him, drawn in pencil and filled in with watercolours. It is hard to see the details in the dim light, but he can see more than enough. He feels like he is seeing himself through Hyunjin’s eyes, and he is beautiful.

“I drew this the day we talked. Changbin helped me realize what an idiot I was, and I didn’t mean to skip school that morning, but I got so caught up in drawing you. I realized that I wanted to kiss you when I was drawing the heart freckle under your eye, and I wanted to feel it against my lips.” Hyunjin rambles like he has no idea what any of this means to Felix.

Felix looks up at him, seeing the genuine look in his eyes and it makes him choke up a little. Hyunjin is incapable of being anything but honest, he means every word he says, even the ones that are portrayed through the drawing, and Felix has never felt so wanted before.

“You can, if you still want to.” Felix says, belatedly registering what Hyunjin admitted. Hyunjin smiles shyly before leaning in, his soft lips pressing into the skin under Felix’s eye. Felix’s eyes flutter shut as the touch warms him up. He’s suddenly sweating in his thick jacket, feeling his cheeks turn bright pink. When Hyunjin pulls back, his cheeks look a little dark too, and there’s a big grin on his face.

“I really like you, Hyunie. I don’t want to just be friends.” Felix says, finding it surprisingly easy to return Hyunjin’s honesty. Hyunjin’s smile widens, his eyes meeting Felix’s for another moment.

“There’s a strict rule against dating.” Hyunjin says, but he doesn’t sound like he cares. It sounds more like a teasing joke, as if they respect the rules and can’t imagine breaking them.

“And you’re the rulebreaker.” Felix points out. Hyunjin giggles and then their lips are connecting again, in a soft touch that is over too soon. Felix barely manages to hold himself back from chasing after him, never wanting to forget how good it feels to kiss him.

“I don’t want to just be friends either, but I have no idea what I’m doing.” Hyunjin says. It makes sense for him to have no clue how to have a relationship when he didn’t know how to have a friendship, but this time Felix has never experienced it either.

“This is new to me too, but we can figure it out together.” Felix says, excited at the thought of exploring this new thing with Hyunjin. He never thought that such an amazing thing could come out of being in a place like this.

Hyunjin reaches into his pocket again, pulling out a pen and reaching out for Felix’s hand just like he did in the music room. Hyunjin starts pushing up his sleeve and Felix quickly withdraws his hand. He doesn’t have to wear the bandages anymore, but he’s still healing, and he doesn’t want Hyunjin to know.

“Where do you want me to write?” Hyunjin asks, seeming clueless about Felix’s sudden anxiety. Felix wracks his brain for an answer, but the roof is cold, and he doesn’t want to expose his shoulder or abdomen to the wind. He wants to know what Hyunjin wants to write on his skin, so he grabs his own sleeve and pulls it up, careful to keep his exposed wrist down.

“Here.” Felix points at the back of his wrist, his heart hammering in his chest with the knowledge of what would be revealed if Hyunjin turned his wrist around. But Hyunjin just bends over his arm and starts writing on the skin Felix pointed to. The tip of the pen pressing into his arm tingles again, almost making it hard to breathe.

Hyunjin pulls back with a pleased smile and Felix looks down to read. ‘Kissed Hyunie on the roof’. Felix smiles at the words, realizing why Hyunjin couldn’t write it on his hand like before.

“I won’t forget this.” Felix says, hoping that he’s telling the truth. Then he leans in for another kiss just because he can.

Chapter Text

- Week 4 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

It’s the middle of the night when Hyunjin wakes up to a strange noise. He is used to losing his earplugs during the night, so he lifts a heavy arm to search around his pillow for them, locating them and pushing them back into his ears. He’s such a light sleeper that he needs them to stay asleep, but once the room is silent again, he sinks back into the mattress and feels himself get pulled back under.

Sometime later, the same sound wakes him up again. This time he still feels the earplugs in his ears, but the sound is loud enough to break through. Lifting a heavy arm again, he pulls out one of the earplugs to listen. Sometimes placing the sound makes it easier to ignore because his curiosity keeps him focused on it when he doesn’t know what it is.

When the noise happens again, he realizes that it comes from the other bed. It sounds like a whimper, a small sound escaping Felix’s throat. Hyunjin figures that he’s just dreaming and turns over, pushing the earplug back in.

But the sound doesn’t stop. It happens a few more times, and it is no easier to ignore just because Hyunjin knows what it is now. He’s too awake to go back to sleep by now, so he pulls out both the earplugs with a sigh and stares at the dark ceiling, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the pitch black.

He’s starting to see the outlines of the plates in the ceiling when he hears Felix move around. Looking over at the other bed, he almost expects to see Felix sitting up, but he’s still a lump under the blankets. He whimpers again and Hyunjin starts to get worried. The whimpers are so broken and weak, it almost sounds like he’s crying.

Hyunjin’s suspicions are confirmed when Felix lets out a stuttered whine that sounds thick with tears. He must be having a nightmare, and that realization sets Hyunjin into action. He needs to pull Felix out of whatever horrible thing he’s going through in his mind, and it must be bad to make him cry in his sleep.

Moving over to the other bed, Hyunjin turns on the small lamp on the wall above Felix’s head, figuring that he shouldn’t look like a dark figure hovering over Felix when he wakes up. Being chased by monsters in your dreams is scary enough, he won’t recognize that Hyunjin is a person if he can’t see him when he wakes up.

Felix cries out again, making Hyunjin look down at him. Tears cling to his eyelashes, his skin glistening where they gather under his eyes before sliding over the bridge of his nose, down to his ear and into the pillow. It hurts to see him so scared; his eyes move rapidly behind his eyelids and his lips are trembling.

Hyunjin lays a hand on his shoulder and gently shakes it, hoping to easily rouse him from his sleep. “Felix.” He whispers when the shaking doesn’t help. Felix was hard to wake up when Hyunjin took him to the roof last week, and it seems like it’ll be even harder to wake him up this time.

“Felix.” Hyunjin says a little louder, shaking a little harder. Felix chokes on a broken sob, more tears sliding down his face and disappearing into the paper like fabric of his pillow. Hyunjin leans down to get closer to his ear, saying his name again. Felix seems to grow more distressed, but he’s not waking up. Hyunjin doesn’t know what to do to help him, desperate to end the pain he’s going through.

“Felix, wake up.” Hyunjin says in his normal speaking voice, continuing to shake his shoulder while also laying a hand on his cheek, swiping his thumb over the damp skin under his eye. Felix seems to finally stir at that, moving a little while his eyes flutter. Then he’s suddenly jumping up with a gasp, pushing Hyunjin’s hands away and crying out.

Hyunjin quickly retracts his arms and leans back. The smaller boy curls up in the corner of his bed, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking at Hyunjin with wide, damp eyes full of fear. He whimpers again and covers his mouth with a hand like he’s trying to keep himself quiet.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Hyunjin says quietly, his eyes glued to the hand over Felix’s mouth. It is trembling, and small sounds are bleeding through. Felix’s eyes move around, searching Hyunjin’s face for a long moment before he lowers his hand. His lip is pulled in between his teeth and fresh tears gather in his eyes.

“Hyunjin?” Felix says, his voice small. There is almost something childlike in him where he sits curled up with wide eyes, scared and sad in the middle of the night. It is scary to see him like this. Hyunjin has seen many sides of him in the last few weeks, but he can’t remember seeing him this fragile, not even on the day he arrived.

“Yeah, it’s just me.” Hyunjin confirms. Felix’s lips tremble and fresh tears cling to his lashes before falling to his soft cheeks. Hyunjin wants to hug him, but he doesn’t know how to do that. He’s never been in a situation where he wanted to hug someone. What if Felix doesn’t want it? It could make him more scared or upset.

He doesn’t get to think about it for long before Felix moves closer, crawling into his lap and holding onto him, pressing his face into his shoulder and sobbing. Hyunjin sits frozen in place for a moment before he wraps his arms around Felix’s back, feeling stiff and awkward, but wanting to comfort him.

It is such a strange feeling to feel someone so close without wanting to squirm away and make someone else help them. Hyunjin wants to be the one to comfort Felix, and it doesn’t make him too uncomfortable that Felix is sobbing or that his tears are soaking into Hyunjin’s shirt. He’ll have to change to a dry shirt later, but right now it’s okay.

The cries Felix lets out are heartbreaking. They sound so desperate, like the dream wasn’t just a monster chasing him down a hallway. Whatever it was seems to have deeply upset him, and Hyunjin doesn’t know what to say or do to comfort him. He feels useless quietly holding Felix, feeling him tremble and shake through sobs.

Then Felix suddenly stops crying. He goes silent from one moment to the next, leaning back from the hug and wiping at his face. Hyunjin is confused at how okay he looks all of a sudden, but maybe this is normal. Hyunjin isn’t very familiar with strong emotions in other people, he usually avoids them. But when he has meltdowns, his own emotions often stop very suddenly, and then the thing that upset him doesn’t matter as much anymore.

Maybe that is similar to what is happening to Felix. The emotions were overwhelming the moment he woke up, but then he realized that it was a dream, and everything just melted away. He feels safe again, and he let go of the dream. Maybe Hyunjin was a small part of what made him feel safe, he hopes that he was.

Felix moves back to the position he was in earlier, curled up in the corner of the bed with his knees tucked under his chin. Hyunjin wishes that he knew and understood more about emotions so that he could help Felix in this moment, but he feels lost.

“I’m sorry.” Felix says, looking down at his knees. It is heartbreaking that he apologizes for something he has no control over. He had a nightmare, and Hyunjin would never be mad at him for that. He just wants to help in any way he can.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Hyunjin says. He wants to reach out to hug him or simply just stroke his cheek, but Felix was the one who pulled back, and he doesn’t seem to struggle with asking for a hug if he wants it.

“I woke you up.” Felix says. He looks troubled, but Hyunjin doesn’t understand why. Felix didn’t do it on purpose, and Hyunjin never sleeps through the night anyway. Felix taps his fingers against his leg, one finger at a time, almost in a pattern. Hyunjin has noticed him do it a few times before, and he wonders what pattern Felix is creating in his mind.

“I don’t mind.” Hyunjin says. Felix seems to relax a little at that, letting his feet slide across the mattress until they’re straight out in front of him. He’s still hunched over to make himself small, but he doesn’t look as upset.

“You should go back to sleep.” Felix says, avoiding looking at him. For once Hyunjin is the one seeking eye contact. He just wants to get a glimpse of his eyes, to see the spark they usually hold so he can know that he’s okay, not just pretending to be.

“I won’t be able to sleep until I know that you’re okay.” Hyunjin says honestly. He could try, but he would not be able to stop thinking and worrying, listening for signs that Felix is getting upset again.

“It was just a dream.” Felix says, probably trying to appear calm, but all Hyunjin sees is the arms crossed tightly over his chest and the tense shoulders reaching for his ears. He is still tapping patterns into his leg, sometimes doing the same finger multiple times or going in a strange order. Hyunjin is tempted to ask if he’s counting and how the pattern works, but it doesn’t seem appropriate.

“Yeah, but are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, he would rather be tired in the morning from staying up with Felix than leave him alone if he needs someone. Felix finally looks up at him, and he doesn’t look okay. There is still fear in his eyes, or maybe it’s sadness, Hyunjin can’t really tell the difference.

“I think so.” Felix says. Hyunjin breaks the eye contact, looking back down at Felix’s tapping fingers. It is soothing to watch, relaxing in a strange way.

“That isn’t very convincing.” Hyunjin says. He could be wrong, he often is, but it is pretty certain that Felix isn’t okay right now. This isn’t micro-emotions; this is bigger ones that are possible for Hyunjin to see.

“I don’t know how to convince you then.” Felix says. It sounds like he admits that he isn’t okay, but maybe he isn’t sure about letting someone in when he’s so vulnerable. Hyunjin can understand that, but he wants to show Felix that he can let someone be there for him.

“You don’t have to if it isn’t the truth.” Hyunjin says. He doesn’t know if he’s doing the right thing, but if they’re going to share a room, they have to be able to trust each other. This will probably happen again, Felix can’t be happy all the time, and Hyunjin wants to help him through the tough moments.

“Can I do anything to help you?” Hyunjin asks. He doesn’t know what to do or what Felix needs and playing the guessing game is exhausting. Felix keeps tapping and looks at him for a long moment, opening and closing his mouth multiple times before sound comes out of his throat.

“Stay?” Felix asks in a tiny voice. It takes a moment for Hyunjin to understand what he means. He wasn’t planning on leaving the room, but Felix is asking him not to leave his side. He doesn’t want to be alone, and he’s asking Hyunjin to not even go back to his own bed.

“At least just until I fall asleep.” Felix continues when Hyunjin doesn’t reply. He moves around a little, like he’s uncomfortable. Hyunjin realizes that he must be uncomfortable with asking for something so vulnerable, so he is quick to reassure him.

“Of course, I’ll stay for as long as you need.” Hyunjin says. Felix nods to himself and scoots down the bed, coming out of his corner to lie down. Hyunjin stays where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, not sure what Felix needs him to do.

“Can you hold me?” Felix asks. He looks so small here he lies, curled in on himself and still a little red around the eyes, Hyunjin doesn’t know how to say no. Cuddling doesn’t sound very comfortable, but he technically has the ability. It sounds overwhelming, but it is just until Felix falls asleep, and maybe it’s worth it if it helps Felix.

Hyunjin nods, knowing that his voice wouldn’t be very convincing. He carefully lowers himself down to the bed, laying on his back with his arms out in invitation. He feels oddly comfortable with the closeness, but then Felix drapes himself over him and presses himself into Hyunjin’s chest. He tangles their legs together and wraps an arm around Hyunjin’s waist, breathing hotly against this collarbone.

It isn’t as uncomfortable as Hyunjin expected, but he doesn’t want to stay like this all night. It can easily become overwhelming to feel Felix touching him in so many places at once. It is confusing that he isn’t squirming away in discomfort like he does when someone hugs him, but at this point, it would be strange to not be confused by the things Felix does to him.

“Are you okay?” Felix asks, lifting his head to look down at him. Hyunjin keeps his eyes on the ceiling, only partially seeing Felix through his peripheral. His arms are still outstretched, uncertain about where to put them. He contemplates whether to wrap them around Felix or rest them on the bed by his sides.

“Yeah, sorry.” Hyunjin says, because he doesn’t hate this. He doesn’t want to run away from the touch, so he can do this for a little while. He can at least hold Felix until he falls asleep.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Felix says, seeming to pick up on Hyunjin’s uncertainty, but Hyunjin doesn’t want to move. He doesn’t feel the urge to get away and run his own hands over every area Felix touched to chase away the sensations.

Hyunjin lifts a hand to the back of Felix’s head, gently making him rest on his chest again, then he wraps his arms around Felix’s middle. He doesn’t pull him closer, just rests them over his back, and feels Felix relax. It is oddly rewarding to feel him become soft and pliant just because Hyunjin is touching him.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin doesn’t even look at the table with his friends when he enters the dining hall in the morning. He woke up overstimulated and is quickly getting overwhelmed, so he needs a calm morning to calm down. He woke up in his own bed, but he stayed with Felix for longer than he should have to make sure that he wouldn’t wake up when Hyunjin moved. It was too much, but he didn’t realize until he woke up with the need to escape his skin.

Too overwhelmed to handle people, he sneaks breakfast into the art room again, where he knows he’ll be left alone. Despite what all the love stories say, love won’t change who Hyunjin is. He hates hugs, he hates being touched, and he might have a higher tolerance for it with Felix, sometimes he even likes it, but it can still become too much.

He liked kissing Felix; he liked the small touches they have shared since then, but maybe he enjoyed it because they were so small and gentle. It was just one place of contact at a time, and Felix somehow knows when to pull back and give Hyunjin a break. So maybe cuddling for an hour wasn’t the best idea, but it helped Felix, so he isn’t sure that he regrets it.

He is lost in thought while drawing for longer than he intends. He should’ve known that he would miss class again, but he doesn’t realize how much time has passed until the door opens and Jisung slips through. Looking at the clock beside the door, Hyunjin realizes that he missed two periods already.

“You weren’t in class.” Jisung says, coming closer and taking a seat. He leaves one chair between them, and Hyunjin is beyond grateful that Jisung knows to give him space.

Hyunjin misses being in the same room as Felix today, seeing his beautiful smile and feeling his warmth, but he needs no one to get too close, even Felix. Hyunjin might join them later, when he can handle being smiled at without struggling to breathe.

“Yeah, I’m just-” Hyunjin makes a hand motion, trying to explain something he doesn’t know how to put into words. He doesn’t feel as overstimulated anymore, but he’s still overwhelmed, and he isn’t sure why. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and all the energy he has spent on thinking about the kiss and why he liked that but not cuddling.

“Why? What happened?” Jisung asks, knowing that there’s always a reason when Hyunjin feels like this. Hyunjin still isn’t sure how to explain, but it probably all boils down to the nightmare. He has a lot on his mind, but he has had those same thoughts for days, it only got too much after losing sleep.

“Felix had a nightmare last night, and he asked to cuddle while he fell back asleep.” Hyunjin says, thinking back to how confused he was by Felix’s mood changing after the nightmare. One moment he was a wreck, and the next he was calm and telling Hyunjin to go back to bed, like he was suddenly the one taking care of Hyunjin.

“You cuddled with him?” Jisung asks with an exaggerated shocked expression. “You? Cuddle?” He repeats dramatically, but Hyunjin doesn’t understand the confusion. That’s what he said, so why is Jisung questioning him like he doesn’t understand?

“Yes, I did.” Hyunjin says, a little more annoyed than he means to be. “He was just so upset, I wanted to help him feel better.” He explains. Jisung’s eyes somehow go even wider, and his mouth hangs open.

“What?” Jisung screeches, making Hyunjin flinch at how loud it is. It suddenly dawns on him why Jisung is so confused. He is just being dramatic about how out of character what Hyunjin is telling him is. Jisung has never even gotten a hug or a comforting hand on the shoulder from Hyunjin, and he’s never seen Hyunjin do it with anyone else either.

“I can’t take your jokes right now.” Hyunjin says, already exhausted at how hard this conversation will be if Jisung reacts that way about everything he says.

“Okay, okay, sorry.” Jisung says, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Can I ask you something?” Hyunjin says, hoping that maybe Jisung can enlighten him about normal emotions. Hyunjin never feels anything mildly because of his autism, but other people do, and he wonders what it takes to feel something so intensely and how they calm down from it. Hyunjin doesn’t even know how to calm himself down, he’s going to need some help to figure out how to help Felix.

“You already did.” Jisung says, and Hyunjin glares at him, but it probably loses some of the effect when he glares at Jisung’s nose, the closest he’s ever come to looking at his eyes. “Sorry, yes.” Jisung puts on his serious tone again.

“When you’re really upset, is it normal for it to go away very suddenly? Like you’re sobbing and then on the next breath, you’re fine?” Hyunjin asks, hoping that he explains it well. He doesn’t want to reveal too much about what happened for Felix’s privacy, but it won’t help if Jisung is just confused.

“No, it’s usually more of a slow transition.” Jisung says, taking a moment to think before continuing. “I guess it often comes in waves, like I think I’m calming down because I’m not crying as hard, but then it gets worse again. But it doesn’t just stop. Why, did Felix do that?”

“He just stopped crying and told me to go back to bed like I was the one who needed to be taken care of. I think he was still upset, but the crying just…” Hyunjin wonders if he misread the situation. Maybe Felix was still crying, but Hyunjin didn’t notice. That is usually an emotion he finds easy to read though, the tears make it pretty obvious.

“That sounds like him.” Jisung nods, so maybe Hyunjin was right. He shouldn’t be as proud of that as he is.

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks, wondering how often Felix does this without Hyunjin noticing. Come to think of it, he has noticed these sudden changes a few times, but not enough to think of it as a part of Felix’s personality.

“I don’t know, I’m trying to figure it out. He changes a lot, and he can go between different moods very fast. It’s like he adapts to whatever he’s feeling or the situation he’s in very easily, but I can’t figure out what it is.” Jisung says thoughtfully. “That guy is a mystery, and I want to figure it out.”

“Do you really need to know?” Hyunjin asks. He doesn’t think that they need to know what diagnosis Felix has, it doesn’t really matter. Felix should be able to keep it to himself.

“Yes. It would help me understand him better. Maybe it wouldn’t be so confusing.” Jisung says it like it should be obvious. Hyunjin doesn’t understand what he finds so confusing. They’re teenagers, it must be normal to have mood swings, it might not even be because of a diagnosis.

“What do you think then?” Hyunjin says, just to humour him. Maybe if they talk about it, Jisung will understand how unimportant it is. He should understand how unfair it is to be reduced to a diagnosis.

“My first thought was bipolar, but it doesn’t really fit. He could have it differently than me, but I don’t think it would cause him to change so much all the time, and he hasn’t really gone to the extremes, you know? So that’s when I thought of borderline personality disorder, but that doesn’t feel right either. His emotions aren’t that intense, they just change a lot.” Jisung rambles, looking far too invested in this.

“He would have a lot more noticeable issues if it was either of those two, so I am right back to having no idea, other than excluding those two from the hundreds of possibilities. Have you seen how thick the DSM is? I will never figure it out without some help.” Jisung keeps rambling. Hyunjin doesn’t like where this is going, he hopes Jisung hasn’t decided that there’s a mystery he needs to solve.

“Maybe it isn’t a diagnosable thing.” Hyunjin tries to shrug it off. If Jisung is getting caught up in a pretend mystery, he might be going manic, that’s usually when this happens. But this is different than when he thought the food in the vending machines was fake.

“But he’s in here.” Jisung says, as if that proves anything. There are multiple people in here who aren’t sick, Jisung should know that.

“And so is Seungmin, but he’s just trans.” Hyunjin says. This isn’t a place for mentally ill teenagers, it’s a place for parents to send their kids if they don’t want to deal with them. They don’t have to have issues that put their lives in danger to be accepted here.

“Has he said anything about it to you?” Jisung asks, not even acknowledging what Hyunjin said. It can be frustrating to talk to Jisung when he gets like this, and this time is no different. Hyunjin is tempted to yell at him, but that wouldn’t make him listen.

“No, and I’m not pushing it.” Hyunjin says sternly. There is no way to persuade him to disrespect Felix’s privacy like that. Felix is so much more than whatever it is, Hyunjin doesn’t care what term some professional gave him to describe his struggles.

“Oh, come on. Everyone talks about their diagnoses in here.” Jisung whines, but Hyunjin won’t hear it. He is grateful for his black and white thinking at times like this. He knows that Felix has the right to keep it to himself, and the only time he will want to know is if Felix offers the information himself. His parents used to call him stubborn, but he just doesn’t see the grey zones, and he doesn’t change his mind very often.

“Don’t even get started on this, Hanie. I know you love mysteries and make them up where there is none, but this is a real person with real issues, and we are not pushing him to tell us what it is.” Hyunjin says, leaving no room for discussion.

“You have to admit that he acts strangely though. Do you really not wonder at all?” Jisung says, still pushing it. Hyunjin searches for a way to explain that they can be curious and still respect Felix’s privacy.

“I didn’t say I’m not curious, but it’s not that important. He changes a lot, and he forgets a lot, but I don’t need to know why. If he wants to tell me at some point, that’s up to him. The only thing I need to know is how to help and support him, and you are not going to ruin this for me.” Hyunjin says, almost desperate to make Jisung hear him. If Jisung does something stupid to figure this out, Felix would never forgive either of them.

He is discovering so many new things with Felix, and he won’t let Jisung ruin it before he even knows what ‘it’ is. He hasn’t talked to Felix about the kiss on the roof last week, and he has no clue what it meant. He should’ve asked Felix to clarify when they agreed that they didn’t just want to be friends. Neither of them said that they’re a couple now, they just said that they wanted to be, and for some reason Hyunjin didn’t ask more questions after that.

“Okay, okay, I’m not trying to ruin anything.” Jisung suddenly backs off, raising his hands in defeat and shutting his mouth. Hyunjin breathes out in relief, he couldn’t stand it if anything happened between him and Felix.

“Anyway, can I ask something else?” Hyunjin says, eager to change the subject before Jisung changes his mind. He should be able to answer Hyunjin’s questions about what the kiss meant, he is like an expert in everything Hyunjin doesn’t understand about socializing and relations.

“Yeah, of course.” Jisung nods. Hyunjin doesn’t know how to ask what he wonders about. He can’t handle Jisung freaking out if he finds out that Hyunjin kissed someone. He is already so confused and overwhelmed by how he feels about the whole thing, he doesn’t want Jisung to make it a big deal.

“Just like theoretically; if two people kiss and say that they like each other and don’t want to be just friends, does that mean that they’re a couple?” Hyunjin asks, figuring that he can make it sound like a general question. Jisung isn’t stupid, he’ll figure it out, but hopefully there won’t be exclamations of disbelief and shock like when Hyunjin said that they cuddled.

“I would say that they’re a couple, yeah.” Jisung says, but Hyunjin doesn’t understand how he can know that.

“But no one said that they’re a couple.” Hyunjin points out. He doesn’t understand how people are so sure about things that aren’t said. He can’t assume that Felix is his boyfriend when neither of them said that they’re a couple now. What if he assumes something that is wrong?

“But it’s insinuated.” Jisung says, and all Hyunjin hears is that this is yet another normal thing that everyone else understands. He doesn’t understand insinuated things, and he doesn’t understand how different people have the same understanding of whatever was insinuated when no one clarified.

“By agreeing that they don’t want to be just friends, they agree that they want to be more.” Jisung explains, but Hyunjin still feels like it’s wrong to assume.

“But how does that mean that they are more? No one explicitly said it.” Hyunjin repeats himself, struggling to understand. If this is normal, maybe Felix assumed that they became a couple and that’s why he didn’t say anything else. He thought that they had cleared it up and he didn’t understand that Hyunjin still had no clue what they were.

“You can just ask Felix if you’re unsure. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind clearing it up for you.” Jisung says, and Hyunjin knows that he’s right. If he’s going to be with Felix, he needs to be honest about not understanding these things. He isn’t even sure if he’s told Felix that he’s autistic yet, it just never came up.

“I didn’t say that this was about Felix.” Hyunjin says, but the heat creeping into his cheeks betrays him. He tried to make it sound like a theoretical question, but he knew that Jisung would understand anyway.

“It was insinuated.” 

Chapter Text

- Week 4 -

- {   Minho   } -

Minho stands in the doorway of the classroom, looking inside but not crossing the doorstep. He is overcome with the urge to hide, to get away from the prying eyes of the classroom. Most of the teens are gathered in groups, talking amongst themselves while they wait for class to start. Minho should join them, but he can’t make himself step inside. It feels like everyone is looking at him, like he’s the subject of every conversation.

Three guys are gathered around a desk in the corner, talking in whispered voices just like everyone else. One of them is whispering to his friends while glancing at Minho, over and over, looking and looking again. He isn’t being subtle with it, letting Minho know that he is the subject of their conversation. He may be paranoid about everyone else, but this group is talking about him, there’s no doubt about that.

It makes him anxious; nothing good can be going on in that conversation. Nothing good is ever said when people talk behind his back. The way the boy keeps looking at him makes him feel exposed, like he’s seeing right through Minho, seeing every part of him that he tries to hide from the world. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong, if they’re mad at something he did or just judging him. He needs them to stop either way.

When the boy glances at him again, the urge to escape grows stronger, and with it, his breath catches in his throat. The guy isn’t even looking at Minho’s face, he’s looking at his chest as if he can’t stand looking directly at him. It makes Minho want to crawl out of his skin. He feels his heart stutter in his chest and his palms grow sweaty, but he can’t make himself cross the doorstep.

As the panic seeps into every corner of his being, he feels tears press behind his eyes. The need to escape is too strong, and he is not willing to cry or panic in front of so many judgemental eyes. He backs away from the door and hurries down the hall.

He pushes open the door and escapes into the cold fall air. It is a little easier to breathe out here, but the air burns all the way into his lungs and makes him feel dizzy after holding his breath for so long. Once he’s breathing again, he’s breathing too much. He’s taking in air in short, quick gasps, feeling like the air gets trapped in his chest and won’t come back out. He keeps filling his chest until it aches, his lungs stretching to try to make enough space.

He is so focused on getting to his room that he doesn’t see the tiny rock in his way, tripping over it and catching himself with his hands as the breath is knocked out of him. He hisses at the pain of gravel digging into his palms and scraping up the fragile skin. The pain is welcome, distracting him for long enough to allow his lungs to fill with a calmer breath that makes his head spin.

“Hey, are you okay?” A voice makes Minho jump, looking up in surprise to see the boy who was looking at him just a few minutes ago. Hyunjin’s face is blurry, but Minho can see the way it contorts in concern. He shouldn’t have followed him, Minho left to be alone.

“I’m fine.” Minho mumbles, pushing himself back to his feet. His lungs are screaming at him, his airways burning with the need for oxygen as he feels his heartbeat hammering in his cheeks. He feels his knees wanting to buckle under his weight, and he struggles to stay upright.

“Woah, I got you.” Hyunjin reaches out for him, grasping his arms and holding him in a strong grip. Minho is simultaneously grateful and wants to escape. He isn’t sure if he would be able to stay on his feet without help, but he can’t stand feeling anyone’s hands on him. As careful and gentle as it is, the touch reminds him way too much of parts of the past that he tries to forget.

“Are you even breathing?” Hyunjin asks with more concern than Minho deserves. It gives his body permission to let go, gasping for breath just like before. His throat burns like the air is made of acid, but the only way to calm down is to catch his breath. He isn’t hyperventilating, he’s just out of breath from forcing himself to appear calm.

“I got you.” Hyunjin repeats, running his hands up and down Minho’s arms. He wonders if Hyunjin is being this nice because of Felix. It will mean a lot to Felix if Minho learns to trust Hyunjin, so maybe that’s what Hyunjin is trying to achieve. But Minho doesn’t trust anyone, so as soon as he can breathe a little easier, he steps back and Hyunjin’s hands let go of him.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, rubbing his hands together like he’s brushing off the remnants of the touch. It makes something tighten in Minho’s gut. Hyunjin hated touching him that much. Minho knows that Felix wants him to like Hyunjin, but Hyunjin is making it very hard. It feels like he hates Minho, he can’t even look at him, and he had to remove the feeling of touching him.

“You’re hurt.” Hyunjin says, looking at Minho’s hands. Minho pulls his sleeves down to hide them, looking back at the boy and straightening his back in false confidence. He can’t allow himself to look vulnerable even though it feels like he’ll shatter.

“It’s just a scrape, I’m fine.” Minho tries to brush it off. He just wants to get back to his room. He can stop by the guides’ room to get someone to clean the wounds, but it probably isn’t necessary. The scrapes didn’t even draw blood, he can handle it himself.

“Let me see?” Hyunjin asks, holding out a hand with raised brows. Minho frowns at him, aware that his face is doing nothing to hide how little he likes the boy. “I just want to take a look.” He says, waving his hand a little to urge Minho on. There’s something about him in this moment that gets under Minho’s skin. Maybe some part of him instinctively trusts him because he knows that Felix trusts him.

He hesitantly holds out his hands, fighting the urge to pull back when Hyunjin’s fingers wrap around his wrists. Hyunjin leans down over his hands, examining them more closely. Minho wants to know what he’s thinking, if he’s pitying him or judging him. Maybe he’s just using this as an excuse to get close, gaining his trust as a part of some elaborate plan to hurt him.

Minho can’t forget the way he looked at him just a few minutes ago, like he already knew him even though they’ve barely talked. People always judge, it’s in their nature. There is no such thing as good or bad people, only good or bad actions and Minho isn’t sure that getting the good moments is worth the risk of being there when someone inevitably makes a bad decision. It will only hurt more if he gets attached to Hyunjin before he hurts Minho.

“I guess it really is just a scrape, but you should get someone to clean it.” Hyunjin decides, straightening back up with a smile. Minho doesn’t return it; he isn’t here to make friends, and he would prefer if everyone stayed far away from him.

“You’re kind of a strange person.” Minho says, not really asking for an explanation. Hyunjin should decide that he hates Minho and stop trying, it would be easier for everyone. Minho doesn’t care how disappointed Felix would be.

“Well, I’m autistic, so my brain doesn’t really do anything normal.” Hyunjin says. Minho doesn’t know what to say to that, he didn’t expect Hyunjin to tell him something like that so easily. He wouldn’t know what to say even if Hyunjin told him that they have the same condition, it is a hell he wouldn’t wish on anyone, but most people don’t want to hear that.

“What a great excuse.” Minho says, and immediately regrets it. Everything he knows about autism is probably stereotypes, and he will never reduce anyone to that. He doesn’t mean to sound so judgemental, he never wants to judge anyone, but he can’t get the way Hyunjin looked at him out of his mind.

“It’s not an excuse. I’m not good at emotions; I don’t understand them, and I can’t hide them. If I made you uncomfortable, I swear I wasn’t judging you or anything, I was just trying to figure out what is going on and I kept looking at you because-” Hyunjin stops to take a breath, twisting his fingers together and looking conflicted. He seems frustrated with himself.

“I’m not good at words either, but I just wanted to talk to you because I don’t want things to be weird between us.” Hyunjin says with a desperate hint in his voice. Maybe he is being genuine, but Minho can’t let himself think like that. Seeing the good in people only allows them to get close enough to hurt him.

“It’s fine.” Minho says shortly. It isn’t fine, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He just wants to shut himself in his room for the rest of the day, that shouldn’t be too much to ask.

“Really?” Hyunjin asks, seeing right through him. Minho has to suppress a shiver; he hates when anyone sees his true emotions. They are kept behind a solid brick wall, that is the only way to stop people from using them against him. He wants to snap at Hyunjin, empty but hurtful words that will make him want to stay far away, but he owes it to Felix to give Hyunjin a chance.

“It was just the way you were looking at me back there, you didn’t even look at my face. Is that…?” Minho trails off, not sure what he wants to say. He is prepared for the answer to be ‘because I hate you’, but it will crush him if he’s right.

“Because of my autism.” Hyunjin says, looking down and continuing to twist his fingers together. “I’m bad at eye-contact, and normally I would look at your nose or chin or something, but the room was loud, and Hanie was talking so much that looking anywhere near anyone’s eyes felt like they were seeing into my soul.” Minho can’t say anything against that. He understands the feeling, even if it isn’t for the same reasons.

“I was looking at you because I wanted to talk to you. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable; it was really just about me and my weird brain.” Hyunjin explains. It makes sense, and Minho feels like an asshole. There was such an innocent explanation this whole time, but Minho judged him. Hyunjin isn’t the problem, Minho is.

“When you touched my arms, you hated it.” Minho says, assuming that there’s an explanation that has nothing to do with him for this as well. He’s still prepared for the answer to be that Hyunjin was disgusted by the touch, and he prepares for how to handle the panic that will come along with those words.

“I hate denim, not you. It hurts my skin, and my palms are extra sensitive right now, but I wanted to comfort you, and I didn’t know what else to do to help.” Hyunjin says. Minho looks down at his denim jacket and feels horrible for judging Hyunjin, but it’s instinct for him to assume the worst in people. He has been hurt enough to know that it’s better to be wrong about people having bad intentions than to be wrong about them having good intentions.

“I understand.” Minho says. He still doesn’t trust him, that will never happen, but he can give Hyunjin a chance to show him that he’s not out to hurt him. He will eventually, everyone does, but maybe he can accept Hyunjin as a part of his life for Felix’s sake.

“That’s a relief.” Hyunjin says with a small chuckle, like he really is relieved. Minho can practically feel Felix’s relief as well, it really means a lot to him that Minho will give Hyunjin a chance.

“I’m just gonna go to my room.” Minho says, gesturing toward the boys’ building. He is tired and his hands still hurt, he really needs to get the gravel out of his skin.

“Okay, but make sure that someone looks at your hands.” Hyunjin says, still so caring. Minho doesn’t deserve it, but protesting would only lead to a conversation he doesn’t want to have.

“I will.” Minho says, turning to leave before he can be convinced to stay. With his back to Hyunjin, he allows his face to contort in pain. His palms are burning, and the sand embedded in his skin can’t be helping.

Instead of going to the guides’ room, he goes straight to the bathroom. He told Hyunjin that he would get someone to look at it, but he didn’t mean it. They can’t do anything he can’t do himself.

He runs his hands under cold water and rubs his thumb over his palm to help the sand wash away, switching hands once it looks clean. It burns, but he doesn’t mind a little pain. He’s rather pleased that it’s this easy to be in pain, it usually takes a lot more effort and people judge his other ways. No one can say anything when he tripped, it wasn’t on purpose.

Once his hands seem clean enough, he makes his way to his room, curling up in bed and hiding under the blankets. He presses a thumb into his palm, disappointed when it doesn’t hurt as much as before, but he keeps doing it. Even though the pain is dull now, it helps him feel in control.

He likes being in control of his pain. He can stop whenever he wants, and it would go away, but he doesn’t want to. It grounds him, clearing up his head and pushing away the nagging voices in his head that try to take over. They are so loud when he’s alone, and he doesn’t know how to fight them without pain.

The voices make him feel blurry, like he’s losing himself in the mess in his head. He feels like he’s fading away, coming in and out of focus. It’s an endless cycle of starting to fade, panicking at losing himself and coming back into focus to the sharp sting in his palms. He is terrified of disappearing, vanishing into thin air.

Eventually the pain stops grounding him too, the pull is just too strong to fight. He feels himself fade and it makes him panic, almost physically reaching out to grab something as if that will keep him from getting sucked away. Nothing sharpens him this time, he keeps feeling like he’s fading as the background noise in his head grows louder and his own mind fades to nothing.

- { >< } -

Minho looks down at his plate of food, neatly cut into small pieces and arranged on the plate. It looks like something Chan would do, but Minho is the only one at the table. Save for Hyunjin, Jisung and Seungmin. They must have pulled him over to their table when he was too blurry to protest. Every time he tries to sit alone, he somehow ends up with them, as if he’s a part of their group but everyone forgot to tell him that.

He listens to the three of them talk, but he doesn’t pay attention to the details of their conversation. He pushes the pieces of food around on the plate, occasionally picking up a piece and holding it up to his mouth before dropping it back down. He doesn’t plan on letting any of the food actually pass his lips, but he’s good at making it look like he’s eating.

Minho tries to smile or at least not seem like he hates sitting here. He is giving Hyunjin a chance, but he isn’t sure about Seungmin or Jisung yet. No matter how nice people are, they always end up hurting him. Everyone has the ability to do horrible things, so Minho doesn’t trust anyone. Jisung especially gives him a bad feeling, a deeper pit in his stomach than the bad feeling he always has about people.

Seungmin only awakens the normal feeling of distrust, he seems calm and like the reasonable person out of the three, he calms Hyunjin and Jisung down when they get each other too worked up. Minho wonders if Jisung is autistic too, or if he is setting off Minho’s alarm bells for other reasons. He doesn’t seem to struggle with eye contact, and he keeps touching Seungmin’s arm while talking, but that doesn’t have to mean anything.

“Are you actually going to eat any of that?” Seungmin’s voice snaps Minho out of his thoughts. He freezes in place with a piece of food in front of his face. He thought that he was being sneaky, but someone saw through him again and it makes him want to run away and hide.

“I don’t feel well.” Minho says, lowering the food back to his plate. Seungmin’s eyes widen almost comically and then he covers his mouth and nose with his sleeve, leaning back in his seat.

“Oh, god, are you sick? Please don’t be sick.” Seungmin sounds panicked. Minho had no idea that he would get such a strong reaction to saying that he doesn’t feel good. It should be normal in here, that’s why they’re all here.

“No, I’m not, it’s just…” Minho trails off, having no intention of sharing. Even if he tried to explain the feeling of losing himself, fading away, getting lost in his own head, they would look at him like he’s crazy. Especially when he knows that he looks perfectly fine even when he’s completely lost and out of control. No one ever knows that he isn’t aware of anything that happens.

“I think he’s just having a bad day.” Hyunjin says. Minho glances at him, noticing that he’s looking at Minho’s shoulder again. The look doesn’t make it as hard to breathe when he knows why, but he wraps an arm around his chest and curls in on himself, trying to hide his body.

“Something like that.” Minho says, not sure how to put into words what kind of a day he’s having. Everything is blurry and he keeps fading and going hazy while feeling like someone is looking over his shoulder and sharing the space in his head. He would love if someone could reach into his head and remove the past, take away all the memories that haunt him.

“So you’re not sick?” Seungmin doesn’t seem reassured, still covering his face and leaning as far away as possible. Minho is so confused that he doesn’t even know what to say.

“He has emetophobia.” Jisung says with his mouth full of food. Minho can confidently say that he has never heard that word before, so he isn’t any less confused. “Fear of vomiting.” Jisung explains, and Minho feels irrationally mad at him for being so direct. Hearing the word ‘vomiting’ probably makes Seungmin just as scared as what Minho said.

“Why would you even say that word in front of me?” Seungmin hisses at Jisung. Minho wants to snap at Jisung, tell him that you don’t talk to someone about their phobia using triggering words, but it sounds exhausting to get so mad on someone else’s behalf. Besides, it won’t help Seungmin. He’ll only calm down when he knows that there’s no danger.

“It’s nothing like that. My stomach’s completely fine, it’s just my mind.” Minho tries to reassure him. There is always an undertone of nausea because of the constant anxiety he feels, and he has no appetite because of it, but Seungmin doesn’t need to know that. It’s no worse than normal today, there is no risk of vomiting.

“Thank god.” Seungmin sighs, hesitantly lowering his arm. Minho makes a mental note to tell Felix, Jeongin and Chan about this tonight, so they don’t accidentally say something stupid. As much as Minho distrusts people and wants them to stay away from him, he will go out of his way to make sure they’re okay. He might snap sometimes, but he will do anything in his power to prevent others from feeling anything close to the pain he has felt.

The three boys go back to talking, seemingly forgetting about Minho’s lack of eating. Minho only half listens to them, starting to fade again. He can’t seem to catch a break today; it seems like he’s only in focus when he feels threatened or unsafe. As soon as he relaxes slightly, his head becomes crowded and hard to control.

He feels like someone is leaning against his back and looking over his shoulder. Their thoughts mix in with his own, becoming louder as he feels himself fade. He doesn’t know how to ground himself and chase away the feeling and that terrifies him. He can’t protect himself when he isn’t in control, and there are so many people in this room, so much potential for bad situations.

In a desperate attempt at regaining control, he presses a thumb into his wrist, right on a fresh scar that still hurts when he applies pressure. It reminds him of how the scar was created, filling his mind with memories of it. They are memories that make anxiety tighten in his gut, but that is the cost of being in control.

He digs his thumb in deeper and focuses on the memories, letting them fill his mind to push out anything that doesn’t belong there. Slowly, the sensation of not being alone fades. It doesn’t completely go away, but enough that he can ignore it without feeling the urge to look over his shoulder. He never looks, scared of what he’ll see, but sometimes he is so sure that someone is there that it can feel nearly impossible to hold himself back.

“I would know if I was becoming manic.” Jisung says, bringing Minho’s attention back to the conversation. He lets go of his arm and blinks a few times, trying to remember the part of the conversation he missed. He must have been really far gone because he doesn’t have a clue how the conversation ended up here.

“Would you?” Seungmin says, tilting his head in question. It’s kind of cute, Minho would have a hard time lying to him. He shuts down that thought as fast as it appears, he can’t allow himself to trust Seungmin.

“I’m not saying you are; I’m saying you might be on the way there.” Hyunjin says in frustration like he’s already repeated himself. The conversation seems heated enough for this to have gone on for a while and it freaks Minho out that he doesn’t have a single memory of it.

“Yes, I’m not an idiot.” Jisung says before stabbing his food more forcefully than he needs to. Minho knows that he’s mad at Hyunjin, but it feels like Minho did something wrong, like he should say something in his defence and Jisung is mad that he doesn’t.

“No, you’re delusional.” Seungmin says. It sounds harsh, but Minho has no idea how these guys normally talk. It could all be light-hearted and how they always talk, or they’re teenagers who don’t understand the weight of their words.

“Only when I’m manic.” Jisung defends himself. Minho looks at him, searching his face, but he seems no different than any other time he’s seen him. He wonders if there are signs his friends see that Minho can’t pick up on. Maybe something happened that made them think he’s becoming manic, but Minho still feels bad for the way they’re pestering him.

“Why would you be manic?” Minho asks, his curiosity getting the better of him. He doesn’t need to know, but he doesn’t think it’s too bad to ask when they’re openly talking about this in front of him.

“Bipolar.” Jisung says shortly before turning back to Hyunjin. “But I’m not manic.” He says sternly, glaring at Hyunjin. Minho sees Hyunjin shrink under the gaze, pointedly staring at the table like he’s terrified of meeting Jisung’s eyes. He probably is. If a soft look makes him feel like the other person is looking through his soul, it must be horrible to be on the receiving end of a glare.

“You have bipolar?” Minho asks, getting Jisung to look away from Hyunjin. He doesn’t know why he’s so protective of Hyunjin, he just hates seeing him uncomfortable.

“Yeah, what do you have?” Jisung asks, catching Minho off guard. He feels his throat closing up, trapping his voice in his chest. He wants to yell at Jisung to mind his own business, but he can’t do anything to defend himself.

“Hanie!” Hyunjin hisses. Minho wants to tell Hyunjin to shut up too, he is capable of standing up for himself. He just needs a moment to figure out how to breathe first.

“What?” Jisung pretends to sound innocent, but there’s an edge in his voice. Minho can’t seem to fill his lungs, the breath getting stuck in his throat. He feels like the room is closing in on him, trapping him with people he wants to be far away from.

“You’re not supposed to ask that.” Hyunjin says sharply. The anger in his voice makes Minho feel like he did something wrong. He made someone angry, he made them mad. He should’ve just gone along with it instead of messing it up. He could’ve made it a joke, but now they’re mad at him.

“Everyone knows why everyone is here, why can’t he tell us too?” Jisung says, like he doesn’t understand the problem at all. Minho squeezes his eyes shut, but they’re just as blurry when they open again.

“We have already been over this; we don’t need to know why anyone’s here. It’s up to him if he ever wants to tell us, and we are not going to push him. We don’t need to know.” The way Hyunjin raises his voice makes Minho want to crawl out of his own skin. He needs to not be here, he needs to be alone, he needs to get away before the full force of panic hits.

“Speak for yourself, I want to know.” Jisung says, and his words make the last shred of Minho’s self-control snap.

“It’s none of your damn business why I’m here.” Minho snaps, apparently harsh enough to make Jisung look at him with fear. Good, he thinks, that will stop him from asking again. Minho gets up from the table, leaving his dishes there as he storms out of the room, nearly tripping over his own feet to get away.

“Wait-” He hears a voice from behind him, Hyunjin. Minho doesn’t stop, he doesn’t want to talk. He can’t breathe and he needs to be alone. The pressure in his chest is only getting worse and he needs to be alone when he implodes.

“Leave me alone!” Minho yells over his shoulder, finally making it out of the building. He keeps his eyes on the ground this time, but his vision is too blurry to spot any rocks he could trip over.

“I’m sorry about him! He really is starting to get manic, and it makes him think that there are mysteries he needs to figure out everywhere.” Hyunjin is still following him, yelling to make himself heard. Minho really can’t breathe now. It stutters in his throat, making him gasp in a desperate attempt at getting any air.

“There is no mystery, Hyunjin! Please just leave me the fuck alone.” Minho yells, turning around for a moment to glare at him. Their eyes meet and Hyunjin stops dead in his tracks, looking down at the ground and fiddling with his hands.

When Minho keeps walking, Hyunjin’s footsteps don’t follow him.

Chapter Text

- Week 5 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin does his best thinking in the art room. He spends all morning there, trying to figure out what to do with Felix, and comes to the conclusion that it might be very simple. Felix told him that they need to communicate, so that’s what he’ll do. He will find Felix and ask what the kiss meant and what they are.

It shouldn’t have taken him two weeks to figure this out, but Felix has acted so strangely that any attempt at carefully bringing up the subject has been unsuccessful. He can’t really explain how Felix is different when he’s in one of his moods, Hyunjin isn’t good at seeing emotions on people’s face or hearing it in the words they say, but he’s good at energies, and sometimes Felix’s energy is different.

It feels like it’s easier to read Felix than other people because his energy changes so distinctly. It seems like Felix becomes his emotions, like they envelop his entire being, and Hyunjin has to admit that he likes that. Even if Hyunjin can’t see his emotions, he can feel them.

When Hyunjin tried to bring up the kiss, Felix didn’t say anything to stop him, and he looked okay, but the discomfort radiated off of him in waves, making Hyunjin uncomfortable too. He could tell that Felix didn’t want to talk about it because he felt how uncomfortable he was, despite how normal he looked.

Hyunjin won’t let that stop him this time. They need to talk about it even if it’s uncomfortable, and he wonders if Felix is uncomfortable with the conversation because he wonders about it too. Maybe they’ve both been avoiding it for two weeks, too nervous to ask the question.

Determined to figure this out, Hyunjin leaves the art room before lunch. It’s still early, but there’s no point in going to class for the last twenty minutes, so he figures that he can wait outside the dining hall until it opens. He doesn’t have to wait for long though, it seems like Felix wasn’t in class either. He is walking down the hallway, coming toward Hyunjin, but it doesn’t look like he has noticed that he’s not alone.

Hyunjin is struck by how sad he looks. He’s looking at the floor, but his cheeks are splotchy, and his energy is so heavy that Hyunjin struggles to breathe. Felix’s arms are wrapped around his chest, almost like he’s trying to make himself small. It is so heartbreaking that Hyunjin wants to hug him, he would do anything to help him feel better.

“Felix?” Hyunjin says carefully, not wanting to startle him. Felix still jumps and drags in a sharp gasp, looking up with red eyes like he’s been crying. His anxiety surrounds him like a thick fog, so intense that Hyunjin almost feels like they’re back to Felix’s first day. He has the same look now, like the fear has completely taken over.

“I didn’t mean to startle you, sorry- Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, tempted to reach out to comfort him, but holding himself back. It doesn’t seem like Felix wants to be touched right now. He doesn’t have his usual soft energy that invites Hyunjin into his space.

“I’m fine.” Felix says, but his voice trembles. It almost makes Hyunjin emotional too, so affected by others’ emotions. He hates that Felix feels this way, and he is desperate for something to do to help him, but he doesn’t know what to do.

“Have you been crying?” Hyunjin asks, hoping that maybe it will prompt Felix to share. He is an open person, so he might start talking about what is wrong now that his emotions are acknowledged.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Felix says defensively, clearly not in a sharing mood. Hyunjin searches Felix’s face for a moment, seeing the splotchy redness and wet eyelashes that still clump together. He is often wrong about emotions, but this looks so much like crying.

“It just looks like it.” Hyunjin says quietly. He tries to think of anything else that could cause him to look like this, but it isn’t allergy season. There are many reasons for someone to cry though, and Hyunjin can’t even begin to guess what caused Felix’s emotions.

“Well, I haven’t.” Felix says sharply. Hyunjin lifts an arm to run his fingers through his hair and Felix flinches back, gasping in a stuttered breath. He reacts like Hyunjin is going to hurt him, and he doesn’t seem to relax when he sees that Hyunjin’s fingers only drag through his own hair.

“Are you sure?” Hyunjin asks. Whether or not Felix has cried isn’t really important, but he really wants to help Felix, and he can’t begin to figure out how to do so if he doesn’t know what is going on.

“I would know if I’ve been crying.” Felix says, keeping his eyes locked on Hyunjin’s hands, like he still expects Hyunjin to hurt him. Hyunjin wonders what made him so scared that he can’t even relax around Hyunjin. They haven’t known each other for that long, but he thought that Felix knew what kind of person he is.

The fog of fear around Felix only gets thicker. He is trembling, his hands shaking so hard that he can’t even hide it by stuffing them in his hoodie pocket. He’s so scared and sad, Hyunjin worries that something happened to him, that someone hurt him. Or maybe he saw something another teen did.

“Felix, are you sure you’re okay?” Hyunjin doesn’t believe that Felix is okay. He doesn’t understand why Felix won’t admit it, and he just wants to help.

“I’m fine.” Felix snaps, but there are fresh tears gathering in his eyes. He is blinking rapidly, but he can’t blink them away. It makes concern twist sickly in Hyunjin’s gut, something horrible must have happened to him.

“I think I would be more convinced if you were breathing.” Hyunjin says softly, not really waiting for an answer anymore. He tries to think of a way to help Felix breathe or calm down, but he can’t think of a single breathing exercise that ever worked for him. They always do the opposite for him, making him feel like he can’t breathe.

“Just leave me alone.” Felix’s voice is so weak that he can’t deliver any of the sharpness in his eyes. He turns to leave and Hyunjin panics, reaching out for him. When his fingers brush over Felix’s shoulder, he recoils, flinching away like it hurt. Then Felix is pushing him back, putting distance between them.

“Don’t.” Felix warns, sounding like he’s forcing the words through the lump in his throat. He looks moments away from breaking and Hyunjin doesn’t know what to do. He wants to reach out, to hold him close and protect him, but Felix clearly doesn’t want that.

Before Hyunjin says anything else, Felix stumbles back a few steps, a breathy sob escaping his throat. He can’t seem to catch his breath, gasping while pressing a hand into his chest. The panic attack comes on so fast, but maybe Hyunjin should have expected it. This is what was weighing Felix down this whole time, panic threatening to take over, and Hyunjin didn’t make it any better.

Hyunjin stands frozen in place, not knowing how to help. He should know how, but he never cared about helping anyone through them before. Whenever Jisung has one, Hyunjin runs away. He makes someone else do it, telling himself that he doesn’t have to spend his energy on other people’s emotions. He is not running away this time, not when Felix needs him.

“Felix?” Hyunjin tries to get his attention, but he has no idea what he will do to help. He isn’t even sure what a panic attack feels like, if it’s anything similar to a meltdown or if anything he knows about meltdowns could help. He doesn’t know whether to force Felix into a hug or leave him alone to work through it.

“Stop calling me that!” Felix cries out, pressing his hands into his ears and curling in on himself with another sob. Hyunjin takes a step closer, but Felix screams, making Hyunjin jump back and instinctively cover his own ears. No touching then, but how is he supposed to calm Felix down?

“Please tell me how to help you.” Hyunjin says desperately. He doesn’t expect Felix to be able to ask for anything, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He has never been this useless before and it is a horrible feeling.

“Stop it!” Felix yells, backing up until he hits the wall and sliding down to the floor. He curls up in a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees and looking right through Hyunjin, like he isn’t here.

“Stop what?” Hyunjin asks, restraining himself from moving closer. Felix looks so fragile, so breakable, Hyunjin wants to protect him. Other people are going to flood the hallway at any moment, and it will only make Felix feel worse.

“Don’t touch me!” Felix sobs around the words, utter panic in his voice. “Leave me alone!” Hyunjin just looks at him, feeling like he’s about to cry too. He has no clue what to do or how to help, and it is scary to watch someone he cares so much about in this much pain. Felix cries and curls up tighter, pushing himself against the wall and yelling over and over about being left alone.

Hyunjin just looks at him, watching him sob and yell things that don’t make sense when someone is suddenly at Hyunjin’s side. He jumps and looks up to see Seungmin. A hand lands on his arm and Hyunjin shakes it off, brushing the touch away with his other hand.

He hears Felix scream and looks down to see a guide’s arms around him, pulling him up and toward the door. Hyunjin wants to yell at her to not touch him, but he can’t find his voice. He doesn’t know why Felix doesn’t want to be touched, but he understands better than anyone how important it can be.

The hallway is eerily empty when Felix disappears through the door. Hyunjin swallows down the lump in his throat and looks at the spot on the floor where Felix was a moment ago. He doesn’t understand what just happened, and he hates himself for not being able to do more to help.

“Let’s eat in your room. I’ll get our food, just wait here.” Seungmin says with a reassuring smile before disappearing into the dining hall. Hyunjin lets out a shaky breath, blinking back the tears that threaten to form in his eyes. He doesn’t know if he’s more scared, worried or confused, probably a good mix making him emotional as he tries to process what he just witnessed.

“Let’s go.” Seungmin is back at his side with two plates in hand, and Hyunjin quietly follows him. They don’t see Felix anywhere as they walk back to Hyunjin’s room, he’s probably going to time-out to calm down. Hopefully they won’t keep him there for long, Hyunjin won’t be able to relax until he sees that he’s okay.

Seungmin makes him sit on his bed and hands him his plate with instructions to eat. He can probably see that Hyunjin is too overwhelmed to make any decisions for himself. Without help, he would be stuck in the middle of the room, not knowing how to continue with his day. Seungmin isn’t allowed in the boy building, especially not in a room, but Hyunjin is too grateful for his presence to say anything.

“What happened?” Seungmin asks, and thankfully it’s just him. If Jisung was here, he would use the incident as evidence to guide him in his investigation, and Hyunjin would be tempted to punch him in the face. Jisung is being kept away from the other teens while he’s manic, so only Seungmin is here, the one who will help Hyunjin process this without being disrespectful to Felix.

“I don’t know. He just freaked out.” Hyunjin says. He doesn’t know how to make sense of it in his head, so he can’t put it into words in a way that makes sense to anyone else either. He hopes that Felix is okay wherever he is, that the adults are able to help him more than Hyunjin could.

“Did he seem okay before that?” Seungmin asks, reminding Hyunjin of how broken Felix felt the moment he saw him. He wonders what happened, what could have made him so upset. Nothing he thinks of explains what happened.

“I think he had been crying, and I wanted to help, but he insisted that he was fine, and then…” Hyunjin doesn’t know how to explain. It all happened so fast, and it didn’t make sense. Hyunjin likes when things are structured and follows rules, but it might not be that simple this time.

“Something made him panic.” Seungmin says. It sounds simple when he puts it like that, but it didn’t feel like a simple panic attack. Felix has always been in weird moods, but Hyunjin never saw him show real signs of mental illness until today. It breaks his heart that Felix is fighting some demon in his head, he really hoped that wasn’t the case.

“He’s really not okay, is he?” Hyunjin thinks out loud, his heart breaking as he realizes that he was wrong. Felix is fighting a very real battle, and he is so good at hiding it that it took this long for Hyunjin to notice that he isn’t just a teenager with mood swings.

“I don’t know.” Seungmin says. “I don’t think it’s fake when he is okay, but he is struggling with something.” Hyunjin really hopes that he’s right, that Felix’s good moments are real. He never wants Felix to be in pain, but he has to accept that he is. Hyunjin can’t take it away, but he can learn how to help when something happens.

“How do I help him?” Hyunjin asks. He is scared and worried and he doesn’t want to be in another situation where he can’t do anything to help. Next time, he wants to say the right thing to help Felix not panic, and if he still panics, he wants to know how to calm him down.

“What happened when you met him?” Seungmin asks, so Hyunjin tells him about the conversation, repeating what they said and how upset Felix was. He will be repeating it over and over in his head all day, trying to make sense of it. After Hyunjin is done ranting, Seungmin thinks for a moment before speaking.

“Sometimes the best way to help is to pretend that nothing is going on. People don’t always want to talk about it or acknowledge that something is wrong.” Seungmin says. It makes Hyunjin feel terrible for pushing Felix. He should’ve left it alone, but he didn’t know that he was supposed to. He doesn’t understand how Seungmin speaks about this like it’s so easy.

“How do I know when to do that?” Hyunjin asks, feeling like it’s impossible to understand. Maybe it’s about parts of socializing that he struggles with because of his autism, and that will make it very hard to learn. He doesn’t know how to look for non-verbal signs, or if it’s even possible to learn in a way that isn’t unhealthy for him.

“I know he didn’t tell you that he didn’t want to talk about it, but what he said meant the same thing. You knew that he lied when he said he was fine, and he didn’t really try to convince you, he just didn’t want to talk about it. If he wanted to talk about it, he would have opened up when you gave him the space to do so.” Seungmin explains. It sounds simple, but Hyunjin isn’t sure that it is.

Sometimes people need a little push, they want you to keep asking because they want to talk but it’s scary. He doesn’t understand when he should push and when he should pretend that nothing is wrong. But maybe Hyunjin is allowed to ask Felix to be clear with him if that’s the case. Hyunjin does so much to try to understand and behave correctly, it shouldn’t be too much to ask other people to accommodate a little too.

“So I should just pretend if he pretends?” Hyunjin says. If he is going to be with Felix, Felix needs to learn that he needs clarity. He can’t play the guessing game all the time, it’s exhausting, so if Felix can tell him when he wants to talk but is scared, Hyunjin can pretend that nothing is happening if Felix doesn’t want to talk.

“Yeah, basically.” Seungmin shrugs.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin wakes up with a start, sitting up in bed and looking into the darkness. He hears someone shuffling around before there’s a small thud and a sharp gasp. Reaching for the small lamp above his bed, Hyunjin turns it on and sees Felix sitting at the edge of his bed, clutching his toe.

“Did I wake you?” Felix asks, rubbing his toe before letting his foot fall to the floor. Hyunjin would laugh at his clumsiness if he wasn’t so worried. He hasn’t seen Felix all day, worried that he would be kept in time-out until tomorrow.

“It’s fine, did you just get back?” Hyunjin asks. It must be the middle of the night; he didn’t know that anyone was let out at this hour. Every time Hyunjin is taken to time-out, he’s let out in the evening or the next morning, depending on when they think he’s ready.

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep in that hard bed, so they took me back here.” Felix says. Hyunjin knows what he means; the beds in isolation are made for safety, not comfort.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, needing to know that whatever happened is okay now. Felix appears to be okay. It doesn’t look like he’s cried, and he is smiling, his energy back to what Hyunjin is used to. He wouldn’t be able to tell if there was still an undertone of those emotions lingering in Felix though.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Felix says, pretending not to remember. He said that it is easier to remember moments with strong emotions, so he must remember what happened.

“It’s just that-” Hyunjin cuts himself off, remembering what Seungmin said about giving people space to not talk about it if they don’t want to. If Felix wants to pretend that nothing happened, Hyunjin can play along. “Never mind.” He says, looking down at his hands.

“I don’t know, I must have forgotten something, but there was no note on my hand, so I don’t know what.” Felix says, holding out his hand like he expects the words to magically appear on his skin. Maybe he really doesn’t remember, but maybe that’s not a bad thing. It would’ve been a horrible memory.

“I don’t think you want this reminder on your skin.” Hyunjin says. He doesn’t even know what he would write. He might not need to say much for Felix to understand, or maybe he’s unaware that the panic attacks happen.

“It’s scary to not remember though.” Felix says, and Hyunjin can’t argue with that. He doesn’t have many holes in his memories, but sometimes he blacks out during meltdowns, and it is terrifying to not know what he did. He can only imagine how scary it is to have large chunks of time missing every day.

“Do you want me to tell you what happened?” Hyunjin suggests. Even though he has no clue how to put it into words, he would try for Felix. It must have been terrifying to wake up in isolation without knowing where he was or why he was there.

“Can you tell me on the roof? I need some air.” Felix asks. Hyunjin knows that feeling, being locked up will make the air close in on you. He has no reason not to agree, so he gets out of bed and puts on his warmest clothes. It is going to be colder than it was a couple of weeks ago, but he loves the roof too much to care.

Once they’re protected from the cold, they sneak out of the room and make their way to the roof. The fresh air is refreshing for Hyunjin too. He forgets how heavy the air is inside of BPH until he comes up here.

They make their way to the edge, leaning on the fence and looking out at the city. Hyunjin never imagined sharing this place with anyone, but it feels so natural to bring Felix up here, it belongs to both of them now.

“So what happened?” Felix asks, picking the conversation back up. Hyunjin thinks back, but the more time passes, the more confusing it gets. Looking back at it now, it almost seems like Felix was remembering something and he was reacting more to the memory than to Hyunjin.

“I think you had a panic attack. I was coming down from the art room when I saw you outside the dining hall before lunch. I tried to talk to you, but you freaked out.” Hyunjin says, not sure how much Felix wants to know.

“Freaked out?” Felix asks, tilting his head to look at Hyunjin with furrowed brows. He looks adorable, his cheeks rosy from the wind and lips slightly parted. It is tempting to kiss those lips, but he can’t do that until they’ve talked about the first kiss.

“When I tried to help, you pushed me away and screamed. You begged me not to touch you or come close. It was like you thought I was touching you when I wasn’t even close enough to reach out for you.” Hyunjin says thoughtfully. Talking to Seungmin about this wasn’t very helpful, he doesn’t want to speculate, but that isn’t what Hyunjin is trying to do. He doesn’t want to know why Felix panicked; he just wants to understand what happened.

“Oh.” Felix looks down. “I guess that makes sense.” He says, nodding to himself. Hyunjin can’t tell what he’s feeling, if he’s embarrassed or thoughtful or anything else. He finds Felix easier to read than most people, but right now he seems to try not to let his emotions show.

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks, confused. None of this makes sense to him. He never even suspected that Felix struggled so much with something. It was stupid to assume that he was fine because he appeared that way, but Hyunjin really hoped that Felix had never felt true pain.

“I know that it happens sometimes, but I never remember it. I just know because I’ve been told similar things before.” Felix says, looking at Hyunjin with a tight smile. Hyunjin reaches out to brush the hair out of his face, not even realizing what he’s doing until his fingers grace Felix’s forehead.

“Your friends back home have seen it?” Hyunjin asks while tucking Felix’s hair behind his ear. It’s so soft, Hyunjin wants to keep touching it. Mindlessly, he plays with the hair at Felix’s neck, the same way he always does with his own hair. He smiles to himself when he realizes that he is comfortable enough with Felix to freely stim, and to stim with Felix’s hair.

“I’m not that close to most of my friends, but Jeongin usually lets me know when something like that happens. We’re not great at communicating though, so he didn’t…” Felix trails off with a frown. Hyunjin stays silent for a moment, tugging at Felix’s hair to help himself think.

“I thought you would remember since it was so emotional.” Hyunjin says, struggling to understand how Felix’s memory works. He wants to understand, not just for his own curiosity, but so that he can help Felix. If he knows when he forgets, he knows when to remind him of things.

“I’m not really aware of everything that happens. It’s not always that I forget things, but sometimes I was never present in the moment at all. I kind of don’t know what happened because I wasn’t there, so the memory never existed.” Felix explains. It somehow makes sense without making sense. It explains why he forgets so much, but Hyunjin struggles to understand how he can be so unaware of the things happening to him.

“Do you know why that happens?” Hyunjin begins, “You don’t have to tell me.” He quickly adds, just in case Felix doesn’t remember what he has said about not wanting to know what his diagnosis is. He still stands by not wanting to know unless Felix wants to tell him.

“Yeah, I know.” Felix nods. He turns to look out at the city again and Hyunjin’s hand falls from his hair. “I don’t want it to be real, but I know why.” He looks sad, eyes welling up as he blinks rapidly to fight the tears. Hyunjin is tempted to hug him, he really wants to, and it seems like Felix needs it.

He lifts an arm and wraps it around Felix’s shoulders, feeling awkward and stiff, but wanting to do this. Felix tenses up for a moment, but then he leans into Hyunjin’s side and lets out a long breath. Hyunjin is conflicted by the hug. It feels good to comfort Felix and he likes how soft he feels, but he is really not used to touches like this and he isn’t sure if he likes it.

“I was actually coming to talk to you when it happened.” Hyunjin says, letting go of Felix and taking a step back. He doesn’t want to get overwhelmed, so it’s better to take small steps. He might find it easy to hug Felix someday, but it’s a lot to get used to.

“Yeah? About what?” Felix looks at him with raised brows, but he still looks sad. Hyunjin wishes that he could hold Felix close for as long as he needs it, but he can’t change who he is, and he doesn’t think that Felix wants him to either.

“The kiss.” Hyunjin says, smiling at the memory. It happened right where they’re standing, and Hyunjin hasn’t stopped thinking about it since. Felix’s lips were so soft and warm, it was overwhelming, and he wants to feel it again.

“What about it?” Felix asks, a small smile tugging at his lips. Hyunjin is irrationally proud that he managed to lift Felix’s mood. He suddenly hesitates, scared of asking the question he hasn’t stopped thinking about. He never has a filter, not really understanding what is appropriate to say, but he holds back when he’s scared of the answer.

The kiss could have been another moment of Felix just needing comfort, exactly the same as when they hug or that night they cuddled after a nightmare. It might not have meant anything, but even as he’s thinking that, Hyunjin finds it hard to believe. He can’t forget what Felix said about liking him and not wanting to be friends.

“Are we a couple now?” Hyunjin asks in a moment of confidence. Felix could give him a disappointing answer, but at least he’ll know. Despite how hard BPH tries to make them forget their reality, they are patients in a mental hospital and friendships are hard enough, a relationship might not be a good idea.

“I thought- aren’t we?” Felix’s confusion is clear to Hyunjin. It seems like he thought they were together for two weeks already. Hyunjin holds back a laugh, feeling like an idiot for waiting this long to ask about it when it was so easy.

“I know we said we didn’t want to be friends, but we didn’t say what we are, so I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to assume in case I was wrong.” Hyunjin says, but it feels so stupid now that he knows that he could’ve assumed. He should’ve known that Jisung was right. He is an idiot, but he is good at all the social things that confuses Hyunjin.

“I guess it wasn’t that clear, but I assumed.” Felix chuckles, his eyes twinkling beautifully. “You’re not great at reading situations, are you?” He asks, and Hyunjin laughs. He is definitely very bad at reading situations; he proved that earlier today.

“Uhh no, that’s not a skill I have.” Hyunjin says. He used to think that it was a deficit, but there’s nothing wrong with him, his brain just works differently. Not assuming things comes in handy in a lot of situations, he doesn’t think he’s as judgemental as other guys his age.

“And you are trying to do the communication thing, but it’s scary, so you’ve been wondering about this for two weeks?” Felix continues. It’s almost scary how well Felix understands him. Hyunjin can only nod and let out another chuckle. In his defence, he tried to ask a couple of times, but it never seemed like the right time. Sometimes it feels like Felix is a different person, his energy is so different, and Hyunjin wanted to talk to him when he felt like Felix.

“Hyunjin, do you want to be my boyfriend?” Felix asks with a wide smile. Hyunjin isn’t sure if he’s officially asking or just wondering how Hyunjin feels, but the answer is the same.

“I do.” Hyunjin says. It feels strange to use that word about himself. ‘Boyfriend’ was always a word for everyone else to use, something he didn’t think he would get to experience too. But he likes calling himself a boyfriend, and he loves the thought of calling Felix his boyfriend.

“Can I kiss you, boyfriend?” Felix asks. Hyunjin’s fingers find their way back to Felix’s hair, using his hand to pull Felix a little closer. Nerves swirl in his gut and he hesitates, but then Felix presses their lips together and all of Hyunjin’s worries melt away. The kiss is soft, and Felix’s lips are warm, his fingers reaching for Hyunjin’s free hand and holding onto him.

It is overwhelming and Hyunjin doesn’t want it to stop. He probably looks dazed when they pull apart, his mind buzzing with how good he feels. He leans in for another kiss, pressing his lips against Felix’s and loving how it tingles. It can quickly become too much though, so he leans back a little when they separate this time.

He doesn’t want to remove the touch of Felix’s lips, so he doesn’t lick his lips or wipe it away. He still wants to feel this tomorrow. He never removes the feeling of Felix’s touch, most of the time he doesn’t even feel the urge to brush it away. Even when Felix panicked earlier today, Hyunjin kept the feeling of his shoulder on his fingertips, holding onto it while he waited to see him again.

“You make me so happy; it makes me wonder how I ever thought I was happy before.” Felix says, and for a moment, Hyunjin forgets where they are. It is so cliché and Hyunjin hates that it makes him feel giddy and warm inside.

“That’s so sappy.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, but he pulls Felix closer with their intertwined fingers and kisses him again. He loves kissing him; he can get used to doing this.

“We’re seventeen, this is the time to be sappy.” Felix mumbles against his lips, and Hyunjin kisses him again.

Chapter Text

- Week 6 -

- {   Felix   } -

Felix struggles to focus on the movie playing on the tiny TV. It is way too small for fifteen teens and many adults to share, and not only is the thought of a bunch of mentally ill teenagers watching an ‘uplifting’ movie extremely funny, but Hyunjin is sitting next to him. It is hard to focus on anything when Hyunjin’s arm is pressed against Felix’s, his warmth seeping through the layers of fabric and making Felix feel tingly and warm inside.

He doesn’t know what the movie is about, only that BPH wouldn’t choose something that could be triggering to anyone, so it doesn’t have any substance. Even if Felix wasn’t so distracted by Hyunjin’s closeness, he doesn’t think he’d know what is happening on screen. The movie barely has a storyline, and the small screen only partially peeks out between a few heads.

“This is so boring.” Hyunjin whispers, his breath fanning over Felix’s ear. Felix turns to look at him, more surprised than he should be at how close their faces are. It is tempting to kiss him, but they only do that in their room. They probably do it too much; he can’t get enough of Hyunjin. No one told Felix how exciting relationships are, he hopes it isn’t just because it’s new.

“Tell me about it.” Felix whispers with an eyeroll. There are many things he would rather do, but someone decided that this Saturday would be a good movie night. Hyunjin said something about it being a monthly thing, but Felix doesn’t remember doing this before. It is very possible that he has though, at least some part of him.

“What is there to say? Literally nothing happens. It’s like elevator music, but a movie.” Hyunjin whispers dramatically. Felix chuckles at the comparison, finding his complaining cute. Warm fingers wrap around Felix’s wrist and his heart picks up speed in his chest. He looks down to see Hyunjin pulling out a pen, relieved to see that his wrist is still covered by his sleeve.

Hyunjin presses the tip of the pen into Felix’s skin, ‘boring movie – zzz’. Felix chuckles again, and someone shushes loudly for them to be quiet. Felix’s hand tingles even after Hyunjin lets go of it, electric currents running under the skin. If he closes his eyes, he can still feel the touch, the exact spots Hyunjin’s fingers pressed into.

“Want to get out of here?” Hyunjin whispers, his eyes looking right at Felix for a moment before lowering to his lips. Felix feels a little hazy, but not like he’s losing control. It’s just exhilarating to be with Hyunjin, and he loves the things they can do when they’re alone together.

“How would we do that?” Felix asks, glancing at all of the adults watching over them. They couldn’t even get halfway to the door without being seen.

“We’re allowed to leave.” Hyunjin says with a shrug. Felix groans at the realization that he is bored out of his mind for no reason. He thought movie night was obligatory, or he would’ve stayed wrapped up in Hyunjin in their room. Even if Hyunjin wanted to see the movie, Felix would lie in his bed and take in the scent of honey and lavender on Hyunjin’s sheets.

“You’re telling me that I’ve wasted an hour of my life on this movie when I didn’t have to?” Felix whisper-yells and Hyunjin laughs. They’re shushed again, but Felix doesn’t pay attention to it. He doesn’t care about anything else when Hyunjin’s attention is on him.

“Come on.” Hyunjin grabs Felix’s hand and pulls him out of his chair. No one stops them from leaving, the adults barely glancing at them as they disappear through the door. Felix lets out a breathy laugh as they run down the hallway, tumbling through the door and into the cold air. It is starting to get frosty outside, their breaths turning to vapor when it leaves their bodies.

They run through the yard, careful with all the loose rocks; Felix’s hands have barely healed from the last time he fell. They make it to the boy building, and it is quiet and empty except for the two of them as their footsteps hammer up the stairs. It is tempting to pull Hyunjin to the roof, but it’s too risky during the day and it’s probably too cold regardless.

Hyunjin pulls him to a stop just inside the door of their room, both of them laughing and out of breath. Felix gets on his tiptoes to kiss Hyunjin, never missing the opportunity to feel those lips against his own. It doesn’t last for long before he pulls back to gasp for air. Hyunjin dramatically bends over and groans, and Felix laughs between his own heavy breaths.

Once they can breathe again, Felix is pulled over to Hyunjin’s bed where he plops down half on top of him. He cups Hyunjin’s face with his hands and leans in for another kiss, this one softer and slower in a way that makes Felix’s mind slow down. It is grounding to kiss Hyunjin, and maybe that’s part of why he is so obsessed with doing it. It pulls him out of the corners of his mind and solidifies his presence in his body.

Hyunjin pulls back after a moment, just like he always does. He doesn’t seem to like touches that last too long, and Felix doesn’t mind. He would probably lose his mind if he kissed Hyunjin as much as he wanted to.

“Is it okay when I touch you like this?” Felix asks, stroking his thumbs over Hyunjin’s cheekbones. Hyunjin closes his eyes, his hands coming up to Felix’s arms. He half expects Hyunjin to pull his arms away, but he doesn’t.

“Yeah.” Hyunjin sighs, his hands moving up to cover Felix’s, pressing them a little firmer against his cheeks. Felix watches his face intently, looking for any sign of discomfort. Hyunjin is frowning, but it just looks like he’s focused, like the simple touch takes up all of his attention.

“I just noticed you don’t like being touched a lot.” Felix says. He wants to know Hyunjin so well that he knows exactly when to pull back, when he’s had enough, when it’s about to be overwhelming. He doesn’t like the guilt he feels when it becomes too much and Hyunjin stays on the other side of the room for the rest of the day.

“It feels different with you… I don’t know.” Hyunjin’s eyes open, not quite looking Felix in the eye. Felix probably wouldn’t have noticed the difference if their faces weren’t so close. “It’s still overwhelming and it can be too much sometimes, but it feels good too.” Hyunjin explains, and something flutters in Felix’s chest. He sees the way Hyunjin shrinks away from being touched by anyone else, but he doesn’t do that with Felix unless he’s had enough.

“I want to try something, but you have to tell me if it’s too much.” Felix says quietly. Hyunjin nods with trust in his eyes, and Felix smiles with pride. He runs his fingers down Hyunjin’s neck, fingers tickling along the skin. Hyunjin shivers, his eyes closing and brows furrowing.

“Is this okay?” Felix asks, scared to push too far. A smile tugs at Hyunjin’s lips, and he tilts his head back, so Felix keeps moving. His fingers make their way to the back of Hyunjin’s neck and dip below his shirt, meeting warm, soft skin. It sends sparks up Felix’s fingers, traveling up his arms and squeezing his heart.

“It makes me sleepy.” Hyunjin shivers again, heavy lidded eyes looking somewhere below Felix’s jaw. He wonders if Hyunjin avoids eye contact for the same reasons he avoids touch, and if that is why he only meets Felix’s eyes sometimes. Perhaps this feels different with Felix too, showing Hyunjin that it doesn’t have to be all bad.

“Is this why you don’t like eye contact? It’s overwhelming?” Felix asks, struggling with how to word his question. Hyunjin seems to understand him though, taking a moment to think about it. He purses his lips adorably and squints at the ceiling.

“I can’t think with your hands on my neck.” Hyunjin finally says and Felix chuckles but pulls his hands back. Hyunjin pulls his thinking face again. “Eye contact feels like people look into my soul and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.” He explains, as dramatic as always, but that doesn’t make it any less truthful.

“They do say that the eyes are windows to the soul.” Felix says, and Hyunjin grimaces. Felix likes how different Hyunjin is, he is his own person, and it is refreshing to see someone be themself without being pressured to change. It is so far from who Felix is, but he wants to learn to be more like Hyunjin.

“Yeah, and it feels like they’re seeing me naked.” Hyunjin says and Felix chuckles. “Not literally- like with no defences, no protection. They’re looking right through me.” Hyunjin is quick to add. It is understandable that it can be a lot for some people, but Felix kind of likes it. He likes physical touch, eye contact and unfiltered honesty, even though he isn’t good at the latter.

“I kind of like it. It’s a way to show trust and it can be… intimate.” Felix says, not sure how to explain why he likes these things so much. There’s just something about being close to the right people, it is terrifying and thrilling all at once. He knows that Minho completely disagrees with him, he can practically hear him yelling to not be so stupid, but that’s why they’re not the same person.

“I don’t like intimate.” Hyunjin grimaces again. “But your eyes are beautiful.” As he says it, he meets Felix’s eyes and Felix has to look away to prevent his heart from imploding. It beats hard in his chest, and it makes him feel weightless.

“I noticed.” Felix smiles, brushing over the compliment in order to survive it. “You seem to like it with me sometimes though.” He adds, pride filling his chest at the thought. He loves that he is able to show Hyunjin how good these things can feel. He never wants Hyunjin to push himself to do it if he isn’t comfortable, but he looks like he really enjoys it most of the time when they are close.

“I do.” Hyunjin confirms, smiling shyly. He grabs Felix’s hand and starts playing with his fingers. He does that a lot, playing with Felix’s fingers or hair or clothes, the same way he does to himself. He almost looks surprised sometimes when he notices that he’s doing it, like he didn’t know it wasn’t his own hair or clothes tangled up in his fingers.

“How does it feel when it’s too much?” Felix asks, wanting to understand how it feels. He doesn’t think he’s ever been overwhelmed in the way Hyunjin gets. When it’s overwhelming for Felix, it feels good. It is overwhelming in a way that he can’t get enough, and he doesn’t want it to end, but Hyunjin shuts down when he’s overwhelmed. He pulls away and isolates himself, and Felix is learning to give him that space.

“It gets kind of painful. The tingling starts feeling sharp and itchy and it makes me kind of nauseous and dizzy.” Hyunjin explains while pressing their palms together and bending his fingers over Felix’s fingertips, chuckling at how much smaller Felix’s hand is. He loves to point it out.

“That’s intense.” Felix never imagined that it was painful for Hyunjin. That explains why he avoids touch so much. It might feel that way every time with most people. If it causes him pain, Felix wants to yell at anyone who touches Hyunjin without permission.

“I don’t want to feel that way with you, so I’m trying to figure out my limits.” Hyunjin says, letting go of Felix’s hand and playing with his own fingers instead. Felix puts some space between them, sitting beside Hyunjin instead, not wanting to touch him if it’s starting to get too much.

“Will you remember this?” Hyunjin asks after a moment of silence, already reaching for a pen. He almost falls out of bed trying to reach the pen on his desk without standing up and Felix bursts out laughing. When he sits back in bed his face is red and he’s smiling brightly.

“I think so. I feel present.” Felix says, he really doesn’t want to forget this. He wants to say more, to explain how he knows that he is present, but he knows that he won’t be able to. A voice in his head always stops him when he tries to talk about it, so as much as he wants to tell Hyunjin, he doesn’t bother trying to make the words pass his lips. “But you can write it down just in case.” Felix holds out his hand.

Hyunjin lights up and reaches for Felix’s hand. It has become such a normal part of their day, Hyunjin writes reminders about everything they do. Felix loves looking at his hand and being told what happened while he wasn’t present, and he loves to be reminded of the moments he was present for. Sometimes he looks in his journal and finds more details about the moments he doesn’t remember.

Hyunjin writes something next to the existing boring move note, but his head is in the way so Felix can’t read it. He closes his eyes and focuses on the way Hyunjin holds his hand in place, his gentle fingers pressing firmly into his skin.

Felix opens his eyes when the pen stops moving, seeing that Hyunjin is still leaned over his hand, the pen resting just above his skin. He looks at Hyunjin in confusion, about to ask what happened when he realizes what Hyunjin is looking at. Felix’s sleeve has ridden up and Hyunjin’s eyes are locked on his wrist, where a dark red scar sits.

“I don’t know how that happened. I wasn’t present, I didn’t do it, I don’t even know why I would want to do something like that-” Felix rambles in a panic. He has been so good at hiding his arms, he never wanted Hyunjin to know. He doesn’t even know how to explain, it sounds like an excuse to say that he didn’t do it. It was clearly self-inflicted, but he can’t explain that it wasn’t done by him.

“Lix, relax. Have you forgotten where we are? I don’t judge.” Hyunjin says softly. He pulls Felix’s sleeve down, but Felix feels no better once it’s covered. He doesn’t know what to say, or if he should say anything at all. He can’t stand letting Hyunjin think that he did it though, so he keeps rambling.

“I don’t know why it happened. They say that I tried to… But I never wanted to not be here anymore, I would never do that.” Felix mumbles, feeling tears press behind his face. If he could just remember why it happened, he could stop it from happening again, but he doesn’t know, and he can’t stop it. It can happen any time he blacks out, and he would never know that it was coming.

“You’re not the only one at BPH with scars.” Hyunjin says, but he doesn’t understand. Felix has no reason to do that to himself, he doesn’t understand why anyone ever could. He gets nauseated and feels like he’ll faint at the sight of blood; he could never hurt himself like that.

“But I didn’t do it. I tried to tell them, but no one believed me. Even though they knew my diagnosis, they blamed me for what happened, and they sent me here.” Felix’s voice is tight with tears. He’s so mad at everyone for sending him away instead of trying to help him at home. He understands that he could be in danger, but he isn’t a danger to himself.

Even now that he’s coming to terms with his diagnosis, he doesn’t know how to explain it to anyone else. He understands what happened on some level because he knows what is going on in his head, but he still doesn’t know why it happened. No one explained it to him, no matter how many times he asked. And he can’t explain that without talking about things he isn’t ready to say out loud.

“I believe you.” Hyunjin says, breaking off Felix’s panicked thoughts. It takes a moment for him to register what Hyunjin said, that he believes that Felix didn’t do it. Felix has to close his eyes and take a deep breath to prevent himself from bursting into tears, it is the first time anyone has believed him.

“Why?” Felix whispers, his voice breaking. A tear falls from the corner of his eye but he’s quick to wipe it away. He doesn’t want to cry and get lost in his head. Hyunjin believes him, but Felix isn’t sure that he believes it.

“I’m here because my parents don’t believe that autism is real. They think I can be cured if I’m forced to do all the things I struggle with. It feels horrible to not be believed when you know that something is real. Everyone needs someone on their side.” Hyunjin says thoughtfully.

“So you believe me because no one else does?” Felix hesitates. His head is going fuzzy, and it makes it hard to think. He feels like his thoughts are mixing with someone else’s until he isn’t sure who he is anymore, but then Hyunjin’s voice pulls him back.

“No, that’s not what I mean. I believe you because you believe it.” Hyunjin says. Felix swallows thickly and searches his face for any doubt but he seems to really mean what he’s saying.

“But why?” Felix still doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know why Hyunjin believes him when he can’t explain it properly. Hyunjin usually needs things explained in detail in order to understand, and it is confusing that he believes Felix so easily.

“Because I know that my autism is real even though my parents don’t believe it. It’s the same as that, right?” Hyunjin says, and maybe it can be that simple. Hyunjin understands because he can relate it to something he already knows.

“Yeah,” Felix sighs, suddenly confused about something else. It makes so much sense that Hyunjin is autistic, he doesn’t understand how he missed it. He isn’t an expert, but he should know how to spot it since his sister is autistic. But maybe that’s exactly why he didn’t question Hyunjin’s differences, it’s all normal to him.

“You know yourself best, and if you say you didn’t do it, you didn’t do it. They should have believed you.” Hyunjin says. There’s a pain behind his words, he really knows how it feels, arguably on a deeper level than Felix.

“Your parents really don’t believe you?” Felix says, relieved to find a way to change the subject. He doesn’t like sharing the space in his head and talking about this is making his head crowded.

“Yours don’t seem to believe you either.” Hyunjin says rather than replying. Felix bites back the pain those words cause, but it feels strange, like it isn’t his pain. It is distant and foreign in the same way as the thoughts that aren’t his.

“I wouldn’t really know.” Felix mutters, the words feeling heavy in his mouth. He is confused by his own words because he has parents, and it feels like he’s been theirs his whole life.

“Didn’t your parents bring you here?” Hyunjin asks, understandably confused. Felix presses a hand into the pulse point under his jaw and realizes what is going on in his head. Touching his pulse isn’t a habit he has, but he knows who does.

“They’re not my parents.” Felix’s thoughts are so blended that he isn’t sure what he’s saying until the words leave his mouth. Hearing the words startles him, and he tries to think of something that will ground him. He thinks about the way Hyunjin danced with him in the music room a few days ago. Jisung and Seungmin danced too so it wouldn’t look weird if anyone came in.

Felix felt safe and comfortable in Hyunjin’s arms, and they exchanged a few soft kisses while they moved across the floor together. The peace was broken by Seungmin yelling when Jisung tried to kiss him, and Felix got a little hazy at the sudden loud noise, but he kept moving with Hyunjin and it grounded him. He smiles at the memory, feeling his head clear up slightly.

“Oh, I thought…” Hyunjin trails off, pulling Felix back into the conversation. It takes a moment for Felix to remember what they were talking about, but it helps that he can only hear his own thoughts now.

“That sounds bad, they are my parents. I don’t know why I said that they aren’t my parents. They fostered me when I was taken from my birth parents at ten and then they adopted me four years ago. They never treated me any differently than their other kids.” Felix explains, trying to take back the words he didn’t mean to say. He did not think that he was going to tell Hyunjin all of this today. It isn’t a secret; he just doesn’t like to bring it up because his parents feel like his real parents, but people can be judgemental.

“And you let me complain about my parents?” Hyunjin looks horrified at himself, and Felix just laughs. This isn’t the first time someone has reacted like that, but Felix doesn’t feel like his parent situation is any worse than anyone else’s.

“It’s not a competition.” Felix chuckles. He feels like his adoptive family have always been his family, so as far as he’s concerned, he only has normal parent issues. There are parts of him that struggle more with it, and sometimes it’s hard to not know where he came from or what happened, but he has never sought out answers to his questions. That is what is important to him, it proves that he’s content.

“Really? Cause I feel like an asshole for complaining about my parents when they are probably trying their best and just want the best for me, in their own twisted way.” Hyunjin says, but Felix has to disagree.

“It is really messed up that they want to cure you. It doesn’t matter that they think they’re doing the right thing.” Felix is possibly being too direct, but he can’t allow Hyunjin to minimize his emotions like this. Even if Felix’s situation was horrible, that wouldn’t take away from what Hyunjin is going through.

“Besides, my situation isn’t that bad. The way I see it, my birth parents weren’t good for whatever reason, and in order to protect me, someone gave me parents that love me like their own. And I have two sisters now. One of them doesn’t even remember a life without me.” Felix smiles at the thought, and he misses them so deeply.

Rachel is older than him, so she probably knows what is going on, but he wonders what Olivia knows about why he’s gone. He has a special bond with his little sister, she is his main motivation to get better so he can go home. He doesn’t want any of his family to be scared for him, but he couldn’t stand it if he did something that scared or hurt his baby sister.

“Don’t you wonder though? About what happened?” Hyunjin asks curiously, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth. He seems to do that a lot when he’s thinking. Felix presses his thumb into Hyunjin’s chin, pulling his lip out of his mouth before leaning in for a kiss.

“All the time, but it doesn’t really matter.” Felix shrugs, hoping it gives off the illusion that he doesn’t care. He knows who to ask if he ever wants to find out, but he doesn’t want to know, he is too scared of the truth. “I don’t know how I didn’t guess you’re autistic.” He continues to change the subject.

“I already told you.” Hyunjin chuckles, his fingers starting to tug on the hair at Felix’s neck. Felix pouts, hating that he missed something so important. The information should have been saved in some part of his mind, like on his first day when he remembered Hyunjin’s name without knowing when he learned it.

“Did you really expect me to remember?” Felix whines, a little embarrassed. He isn’t entirely sure why he’s embarrassed; it just feels like something he shouldn’t have to be told twice. Or more than twice, he doesn’t know how many times Hyunjin has told him.

“I shouldn’t have.” Hyunjin giggles before holding out his free hand. “Give me your hand.” He says, pulling his hand from Felix’s hair to grab the pen from between the sheets.

“Are you gonna write ‘Hyunie has autism’?” Felix narrows his eyes suspiciously, but Hyunjin shakes his head.

“I need to finish the other note.” Hyunjin says, reminding Felix that he never finished it. It says ‘Deeee’, and he wants to know what it was supposed to be, so he gives his hand over. Hyunjin finishes the message, writing ‘Deeeeeeep conversation’ and Felix chuckles at how he thought the conversation was so deep before they even got into the dark stuff.

It feels good to let Hyunjin in on a deeper level, and he is relieved that Hyunjin doesn’t look at him any differently. Felix didn’t get to tell him everything he wanted to, but it’s a step in the right direction. He just has to convince every part of him to trust Hyunjin, and then he’ll tell him. He really wants Hyunjin to know what his diagnosis is.

Hyunjin doesn’t let go of Felix’s wrist when he’s done writing. He keeps a hold of it and writes exactly what Felix expected, ‘Hyunie is autistic’ and Felix rolls his eyes with a huffed laugh.

Chapter Text

- Week 8 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

“I didn’t see your boy today.” Jisung says, waking beside Hyunjin on their way back from class. Hyunjin spent most of the day sketching in his notebook, but he was painfully aware of the empty desk that belongs to Felix. “He usually doesn’t skip, unlike you.” Jisung continues.

“I don’t know, I thought he was coming.” Hyunjin says, he is worried. Felix doesn’t skip very often, and it is never a good sign when he avoids people. Someone bumps into Hyunjin’s side in their rush to get past and he cringes, rubbing a hand over his arm to remove the feeling.

“Have you figured out what’s wrong with him?” Jisung asks. Hyunjin didn’t think that Jisung cared about the ‘mystery’ anymore, it was supposed to die out with his mania. Besides, nothing is wrong with Felix.

“I thought you were done with that.” Hyunjin mutters, annoyance bleeding into his voice. He is not in the mood to have this conversation again. He just wants to get to Felix and make sure that he’s okay.

“You know I’m a curious person by nature.” Jisung chuckles, like he really has no clue how rude he’s being. Jisung’s curiosity means that he knows a little about a lot of things; the boy is full of fun facts, but this isn’t something he needs to know. If Felix wanted them to know, he would have told them by now.

“Yeah…” Hyunjin sighs, he is very aware, but that is no excuse. “But my answer is still the same.” He doesn’t want to know anything Felix isn’t ready to tell him, but he can only explain that so many times before feeling like it’s pointless to say anything.

“You’re boring.” Jisung complains. Hyunjin rolls his eyes and pushes open the door, wrapping his jacket tighter around himself when he’s met with the cold air outside.

 “And you’re disrespectful.” Hyunjin says in frustration. He needs Jisung to let it go, or he’ll probably directly ask Felix again. It didn’t end well last time. Hyunjin has never seen Felix so angry, and he has no interest in being yelled at for something he didn’t do again.

“I just want to know what makes him so special.” The way Jisung says ‘special’ makes it sound like a bad thing. Felix is special, he is a good person that makes Hyunjin feel safe and cared for in a way no one else can, but he has a feeling that Jisung didn’t mean it as a compliment.

“What?” Hyunjin doesn’t understand what Jisung is implying. The conversation somehow went from something being wrong with Felix to how special he is, and he can’t see what the correlation is.

“You’re so different with him, I don’t get it. What is it about him that suddenly makes you so touchy and emotional? Why can’t you be that person with us too? With me?” Jisung sounds angry, or maybe he’s hurt, they sound so similar. Hyunjin looks down at the gravel crunching under their feet and tries to think of something to say.

“I thought you understood why I’m not like that.” Hyunjin attempts to hide his own hurt. He liked Jisung because he never thought negatively of Hyunjin’s differences, and he would hate if that has changed.

“I did understand, but clearly you can be like that, just not with me.” Jisung’s voice is sharp, feeling like a physical hit. Hyunjin didn’t even realize how visible it was that he’s so comfortable with Felix, he thought they were good at hiding their relationship when they’re not alone. But Jisung has picked up on it, and rather than being happy for him, he’s mad.

“Hanie, he’s my-” Hyunjin cuts himself off, scared of being overheard. “It’s different.” That has to be the reason. He isn’t like that with Jisung for the same reasons that he doesn’t want to kiss him, their bond is purely platonic.

“Do you love him?” Jisung asks quietly. Hyunjin holds his breath and looks around them to make sure that no one heard, only allowing himself to relax when he sees that no one is looking at them.

“I don’t know.” Hyunjin hisses, maybe he does, but Jisung isn’t going to be the first person to find out. They reach the boy building and Jisung holds the door open, warm air enveloping them the moment they step inside.

“Then how is it different?” Jisung asks, his eyes burning like lasers in the side of Hyunjin’s head. It makes him want to run away and hide. He probably would have if he wasn’t so close to his room and Felix.

“I’m not talking about this here.” Hyunjin whisper-yells. There are too many ears that could be listening. He doesn’t want to talk about this at all, but they should at least be alone when he tries to explain to Jisung that the way he feels about Felix is different from anything he’s felt before.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying!” Jisung snaps, “You are so closed and unavailable when you don’t have to be. Clearly you don’t want to put any effort into your friendships. Cause you don’t need anyone, right?” The words sting. It used to be a joke that he doesn’t need people, but that isn’t the truth. He doesn’t miss people or get lonely in the way that is considered normal, but friends make his life much better.

“I do need you.” Hyunjin says, staring at his feet as they walk up the stairs. He knows that he doesn’t show it in the same way as everyone else, but it would really hurt to lose Jisung. He feels like a horrible person for making his friend think that he doesn’t care about him, but he can’t change who he is.

“Give me a hug then.” Jisung challenges, stopping at the top of the stairs. Hyunjin is tempted to do it just to satisfy him, but he won’t put himself through pain. Maybe Hyunjin doesn’t do everything right, he knows that, but he does his best and Jisung used to understand that.

“Hanie, that’s not fair. I’m sorry that I’m not who you want me to be but that doesn’t mean that you don’t matter to me. I love spending time with you even if it looks different than when I’m with Lix.” Hyunjin desperately tries to explain himself, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know what is different about Felix or why he is different with him, it just feels natural and effortless.

“Every time I spend time with you, I feel more alone.” Jisung spits, and Hyunjin fights back tears. He holds his breath and clenches his jaw, not wanting to show how much it hurt. 

“Fine, you want me to be more emotional? I don’t understand what I did wrong, and you are really hurting me, and I want you to leave me alone now because I am not ready to cry in front of you.” The words tumble out of Hyunjin, and he immediately wants to take it back. A long moment of tense silence passes before Jisung walks away, disappearing into his own room before Hyunjin can think of anything else to say.

Hyunjin doesn’t hug his friends, but he tells them how much he appreciates them. He isn’t the person who helps Jisung through panic attacks, but he gets him help, someone who knows what they’re doing and can help more than Hyunjin. He isn’t very open about his emotions, and he doesn’t always know what to say when they are open with him, but he hurts deeply for his friends when they are in pain.

And Hyunjin may seem emotionless and cold, but he feels very intensely. He hurts for Jisung, and he is hurt by what Jisung said, and he hates himself for not being normal. It all mixes into a perfect cocktail of pain that makes him feel like he’s breaking. His heart aches in his chest and he is one wrong thought away from bursting into tears.

It takes a few minutes for him to be able to move, walking up to his own door. He stops for a moment, sure that he will break down the moment he steps inside. Maybe Felix secretly thinks that he’s an asshole too, he must see how differently Hyunjin treats people. And maybe Jisung is right, he could be better with his friends, but he doesn’t try hard enough.

A voice from the other side of the door halts his thoughts. It sounds like Felix is talking to someone, the conversation going back and forth, and it takes a moment for Hyunjin to realize that both sides of the conversation sound like Felix. It is confusing enough to distract him from his spiralling thoughts.

“We can trust him.” “I don’t trust anyone.” “Haven’t you seen how he treats us? You know Hyunjin is a good person.” “But I don’t trust him.” “But I do, and I hoped that maybe that would be enough.”

Hyunjin doesn’t understand what is happening, but the warmth in Felix’s voice when he says that Hyunjin is a good person can be felt through the door. However, there’s also a sharpness in his voice when he says that he doesn’t trust him, and Hyunjin isn’t sure which voice to listen to. He doesn’t know if they’re both Felix’s thoughts or if he’s playing out some imaginary conversation, or maybe repeating one he had with someone else.

There’s suddenly a hand on his shoulder that makes Hyunjin jump, spinning around with a sharp gasp and taking a step back. Changbin is standing in front of him, his hand now hanging in the air, and he starts laughing when he sees Hyunjin’s expression.

“Hyung, you scared me.” Hyunjin presses a hand to his chest and brushes the touch away from his shoulder with the other. Changbin never learns not to touch him, and it is beyond annoying. It feels like the touch is imprinted in his skin, like a bruise or dent that won’t go away for hours.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” Changbin shrugs. Hyunjin bites back the emotion at the back of his throat, sure that he wouldn’t be very nice if he allowed himself to talk. “Are you okay though?” Changbin continues, the smile falling from his face.

“Yeah, fine.” Hyunjin says shortly, not wanting to get into it. He still feels like he’ll burst into tears at any moment, and he isn’t interested in doing it in front of Changbin. He doesn’t want to cry in front of anyone, which is why he hesitated with entering his room.

“If you say so.” Changbin doesn’t believe him, but Hyunjin doesn’t need him to. He just needs to be left alone. “Shouldn’t you get to group therapy?” Hyunjin had completely forgotten. He was going to quickly check on Felix before going, but then he got distracted and now he has no interest in sitting in a room of people.

“Right, thanks hyung.” Hyunjin says quietly before heading back out of the building. He doesn’t go to the therapy building, heading for the activity building instead so he can hide in the art room. He can cry his eyes out in there without being disturbed.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin is exhausted when it’s time for bed. Hour-long crying sessions do that, and he had to go to dinner after, sitting opposite Jisung who wouldn’t even look at him. Hyunjin doesn’t want to lose him, so he sat on the same table as always, not wanting to put any more space between them, but trying to pretend that everything was okay drained him of the little energy he had left.

He curls up under his blankets and watches Felix get ready for bed. Some days, it takes a while. He lines up his routine, putting every product in a line on the bed and going through them one at a time. Every cap is opened and closed three times both before and after using them, and he counts how many products are left three times before moving onto the next one. Hyunjin understands the importance of routine, what he doesn’t understand is why Felix only does this some nights.

Hyunjin has learned not to disturb him when he gets like this, it disrupts the ritual and makes him irritable. The energy surrounding him is the same as when he taps his fingers on every available surface, and as long as he’s allowed to do his own thing, there is something comforting about him. Hyunjin always feels safe and comfortable with Felix, but this version of him is especially calming, like a protective parent.

He is different today though, there is a sadness in him that isn’t usually present when he’s counting and tapping. Hyunjin thought that he was starting to learn how to spot Felix’s different moods and energies, but he isn’t so sure anymore. The way he acts doesn’t match the emotions radiating off of him. He isn’t calming like he’s supposed to be, he’s heavy and sad, like when he gets jumpy and scared.

Maybe Hyunjin was wrong about everything. There probably isn’t a pattern, he just looks for patterns in everything, and he found ones in Felix that didn’t really exist. Now that he thinks about it, his theory doesn’t make any sense. It is normal to have different moods, but not to the point of acting like completely different people. Felix probably doesn’t change any more than most people, Hyunjin just doesn’t pay enough attention to anyone else.

By the time Felix has finished his night routine and put away all the products, by packing them down and taking them out three times, Hyunjin feels wide awake. He hates seeing Felix so sad, his eyes glassy and lips pulled into a tight line.

“Felix?” Hyunjin whispers, making it easy for Felix to ignore him if he doesn’t want to be talked to. But Felix turns to look at him, and the smile he puts on does nothing to erase the distance in his eyes. “Are you dissociating?” He asks, hoping that he isn’t pushing too far. Felix looks confused for a moment, opening and closing his mouth a few times, three to be exact.

“How did you know?” Felix frowns. He never used the word ‘dissociate’, but he explained the feeling and Hyunjin put two and two together. Moments like this is when he forgets because he isn’t present.

“You just feel different.” Hyunjin isn’t sure if it makes sense, but that’s how he recognizes it. He usually doesn’t visually see the difference in Felix, but he feels the difference very clearly. “Can I do anything to help?” He is aware that there might not be much anyone can do, but it’s better to be told no than to never ask.

“Dance with me?” Felix says after a long silence. Hyunjin is surprised at the request, but he gets out of bed and pulls Felix up as well. He’s hesitant to touch Felix at first, but when it feels good, he grabs Felix’s waist, squeezing a little to check if he’s ticklish. Felix practically folds in half with a startled laugh, slapping a hand over his mouth to silence himself.

“I said dance, not murder.” Felix whines and Hyunjin mutters an insincere apology. He loves hearing Felix’s laugh, and he’s extra happy to hear it when Felix looked like he was going to cry just a moment ago.

“Alright, let’s dance.” Hyunjin grabs Felix’s waist again and Felix wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s neck, pulling him a little closer. They start moving around on the floor, in sync from the first step. Felix looks distant for a while, looking right through Hyunjin, but they never stop moving. It’s only when Felix’s eyes focus on his face that Hyunjin speaks.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin whispers, feeling how much lighter Felix’s energy is. He could still be wrong about the energy thing, he might be a little bit hyper focused on it, and he doesn’t always see things clearly when that happens, but he’s still relieved that Felix seems happier.

“Yeah.” Felix sighs, his smile reaching his eyes this time. His blonde hair falls into his eyes, and Hyunjin lifts a hand to brush it back, carefully tucking it behind his ears. “I’m perfect.” Felix grins.

“Are you up for breaking some rules?” Hyunjin asks, having an idea. They should probably go to bed, but he’s fine with being a little tired tomorrow. He wants to do something to cheer Felix up, scared that he’ll fall right back into the darkness when they stop dancing.

“Is it worth the risk?” Felix narrows his eyes adorably. Hyunjin leans down to kiss him, a quick touch of lips. He doesn’t want to get overwhelmed, but they haven’t kissed since this morning, and he missed it.

“Depends on how badly you want snacks.” Hyunjin says. It is too cold to go to the roof unless they want frostbite, but they can go somewhere else. There are many places to explore during the night that makes the roof seem boring.

“I’m always down for snacks.” Felix smiles, excitement sparkling in his eyes. Hyunjin tells him to dress warmly, they regretfully have to be outside in order to get to where they’re going. They both put on their shoes and jackets and Felix slips on a beanie that falls into his eyes. Hyunjin helps him adjust it with a giggle and leans in for another kiss, his fingertips pressing into Felix’s soft cheeks.

“Are we going to the roof?” Felix mumbles against Hyunjin’s lips. The tips of his hair stick out in every direction under the beanie and Hyunjin doesn’t know how he is going to survive how cute it is.

“There aren’t snacks on the roof.” Hyunjin probably shouldn’t encourage Felix to break the rules, it isn’t a great influence to be, but they have to do something to survive being cooped up in this place. He always gives Felix a choice, it isn’t his fault that Felix is more than willing to join him in his rule breaking.

Hyunjin opens the door of their room just a crack, looking out to check that the hallway is empty. Then he motions for Felix to follow him, and they head for the door that takes them to the back stairs. He punches in the code, easily slipping through, and they take the stairs down instead of up.

“How do you know the code?” Felix whispers, like he’s scared of being caught. Hyunjin barely remembers how he got the code, he didn’t mean to, he just watched the adults a lot and somehow his brain picked up on the code they always used.

“I’m observant.” Hyunjin shrugs. It is very easy to sneak around this place, all he needs is one code and some good planning. He doesn’t get caught because he knows when and where adults will be. It is easy to go unnoticed when he knows what parts of BPH are empty at any given time.

There is another key lock by the back door of the building, but they all have the same code so it’s not a problem. Then they’re outside in the freezing cold. It bites into their skin and turns their breath to smoke. It feels good against Hyunjin’s burning cheeks, cooling down the overheating Felix causes.

There are lights and cameras looking over the yard between the buildings, so Hyunjin has found a way to move in the shadows behind the buildings without being seen. He takes Felix’s hand and leads him along the back of the boy building, quickly making their way past the back of the therapy building before making it to the activity building. They slip inside the back door, faced with a dark hallway.

“I don’t think I’ve been here before.” Felix looks around the hallway they’re in. It’s not used a lot, and the teens have no reason to be here, but Hyunjin knows exactly where they are.

“The dining hall is right around the corner.” Hyunjin says, dragging Felix further in, around the corner and into more familiar parts of the building. The dining hall still smells strongly of food despite being empty, and it is dimly lit by a light someone forgot to turn off.

“Ta-da.” Hyunjin singsongs, holding his arms out proudly. It is too easy to sneak around, it’s like BPH doesn’t even try to stop them. “Now we can get all the snacks we want.” With the limit of their money, but they probably wouldn’t be able to spend all their pocket money on one night of snacks.

They go up to the vending machines, picking out a few items each, both sweet, salty and drinks. Felix acts so free, rambling about pointless things that Hyunjin listens intently to and dancing in place like he can’t contain his excitement. Soon enough, their arms are full of vending machine snacks and Felix looks at him with wide eyes.

“And how do we sneak all of this back?” Felix asks, looking down at his full arms. He should know that it’s very possible to find a way when Hyunjin is involved, but they don’t have to figure it out.

“We eat here.” Hyunjin says, walking over to the nearest table and laying out his snacks. Felix follows him but hesitates.

“Won’t anyone find us?” Felix whispers, looking around like he expects an adult to appear out of thin air. Hyunjin chuckles at his nerves, knowing how safe they are here.

“No one is in this building at night. There are only night guides in the boy and girl building.” Hyunjin says. There is no reason for adults to watch over the daytime buildings at night, so there is no risk of anyone finding them here.

Felix nods in understanding and sits down beside him. A comfortable silence settles over them and Hyunjin’s thoughts drift to Jisung and everything he said after school. Hyunjin wants to deny that he’s a bad person, he wants to believe that everything he does can be explained by autism, but he is starting to doubt that autism is a good reason. He can’t treat people badly and say that it’s okay just because he’s autistic.

Jisung had a point, Hyunjin is capable of more than he gives his friends. He doesn’t know why he’s so comfortable with doing more with Felix than anyone else, but maybe there shouldn’t really be a difference. Maybe he really is a bad friend who doesn’t put any effort into his friendships because he doesn’t care about anyone.

It isn’t impossible that he’s just attached to his friends because they become a part of his routine, and he can’t handle changes. Maybe he’s really an emotionless, horrible person who only uses people for personal gain. It doesn’t feel like he is, but he knows that he doesn’t feel the ‘normal’ way about friendships, and he could have convinced himself that what he feels is care and connection when it isn’t.

He looks at Felix, sitting so close to Hyunjin that their arms are pressed together, and wonders why he likes the imprint of his touch. It doesn’t make any sense that he hates it with everyone else but wants the reminder for hours with Felix. And he wants to wrap an arm around Felix and pull him closer, so he does, and he loves the way Felix smiles at him.

“Am I an asshole for not being able to be like this with anyone else?” Hyunjin asks quietly. He hates that he feels guilty for being physical with Felix. He doesn’t know if he has even tried to do something like this with Jisung, but maybe he should have. It could have been nice even though the thought makes him want to crawl out of his skin.

“What? No, absolutely not. Who told you that?” Felix looks surprised, putting down his small bag of chips to give Hyunjin all of his attention. His shock makes Hyunjin think that maybe all his self-doubt isn’t as justified as he convinced himself over the last few hours. Maybe Jisung just got in his head, but he still had a good point.

“I talked to Hanie earlier, he seemed really mad that I’m so much more… affectionate with you.” Hyunjin struggles to find the right words, not sure how to explain the differences. But Felix must notice it too, he probably knows exactly what Hyunjin is talking about.

“That’s ridiculous.” Felix rolls his eyes, clearly disagreeing. Hyunjin is split between believing him or Jisung. It would be so easy to let himself be convinced by Felix, but he can’t let go of the feeling that Jisung was at least a little right.

“He just wants me to be a better friend and seeing how I am with you showed him that I could be if I tried.” Hyunjin doesn’t like that it sounds like he’s defending Jisung. He just thinks that maybe Felix doesn’t fully understand the problem, and if he did, he would agree.

“He wouldn’t treat his friends the same as his boyfriend either.” Felix frowns, “The types of affection we show in different types of relationships can be very different. And for you it isn’t natural to have physical affection in platonic relationship. It is unfair for anyone to expect that to change just because you show more affection with me.” He speaks like someone with a lot more knowledge and experience than the average teenager.

“But what if I could be a better friend? I’m just too selfish to try.” Hyunjin isn’t ready to let it go. He hears what Felix says, but he can’t unsee how hurt Jisung was, and he feels responsible for it. Felix sighs, leaning closer and grabbing Hyunjin’s hand, carefully holding it between his own. He feels comforting and safe, allowing Hyunjin to relax a little.

“You are perfect the way you are, Hyunie. I’m sorry that he can’t see that, but that only sounds like he is a bad friend. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone.” Felix looks like he really means every word, and maybe he is right. It isn’t fair for Jisung to ask Hyunjin to change who he is.

“But it’s so different.” Hyunjin weakly argues. In his overthinking, he pushed down his own hurt at what Jisung said, but now it’s coming back. He doesn’t understand why Jisung couldn’t bring up the problem in a gentler way. They could have had a real conversation about it, but Jisung said some very hurtful things and he wouldn’t listen to what Hyunjin said. It feels like he only wanted to hurt Hyunjin, not find a solution.

“You don’t treat him differently than you did before you met me, right?” Felix asks and Hyunjin shakes his head. Nothing has changed, but that’s the problem. “So there’s your answer. You are being exactly who you naturally are with him, and you don’t have to change that.”

“Everyone is different in romantic relationships, but maybe it’s more visible because you are basically going from zero to ten instead of ten to… I don’t know, more, like most people do in relationships.” Felix shows off his emotional intelligence again, and Hyunjin is grateful. He still hates that Jisung is mad at him, but he is starting to believe that he didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t Hyunjin’s fault if Jisung can’t accept him for who he is.

“Do your friends know about us?” Hyunjin asks. He doesn’t know if Felix has talked to his friends since being here. They are allowed to make phone calls whenever they want, but there’s something about being here that makes them forget that there’s a world outside.

“Yeah. Channie and Jeongin are happy for us, and Minho doesn’t trust anyone ever, but I’m working on it.” Felix says with a small chuckle. Hyunjin has heard their names before, Felix mentions them sometimes, but he doesn’t know a lot about them.

“Do they notice a difference in you?” Hyunjin asks, wondering how different Felix is if it’s so normal. Hyunjin has only seen him be friendly with Jisung and Seungmin but they’re not really his friends like the ones he knows from back home.

“Yeah, I went from like ninety to a hundred with you, and they tease me for it all the time, but they don’t think I’m a bad friend for only giving them ninety. It would be weird if I kissed them and pushed my hand up their shirt.” Felix jokes and Hyunjin chuckles, feeling the tension in his chest let up slightly. It kind of makes sense, it is a lot more noticeable to go from zero to ten than ninety to a hundred.

“How often do you call them?” Hyunjin wonders what ‘all the time’ means. He didn’t realize that Felix had so much contact with the outside world. Maybe Hyunjin is the only one who forgets that it exists. It is too easy to forget that his parents exist, and they seem to feel the same way about him.

“Well, they’re…” Felix hesitates, suddenly looking troubled. “I want to tell you about them, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to.” He says. Hyunjin frowns in confusion, wondering what could possibly stop someone as talkative as Felix from being as open as he wants to be.

“Tell me what?” Hyunjin prompts, figuring that maybe it’s just scary and a little push is all he needs. Felix fiddles with his hands and looks deep in thought for a long moment.

“I’m not alone in my head.” Felix rushes out, like he is running out of time.

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks, but Felix looks far away. He stares off into space, not blinking for so long that his eyes must burn. Hyunjin knows that look, Felix changes when he looks like that. “Lix?” There is no reaction. He keeps staring at nothing, his head slowly lowering like it’s too heavy to hold up. “Felix?” Hyunjin tries again.

“Hmm?” Felix lifts his head, blinking a few times and frowning. He looks around the room and glances at Hyunjin before suddenly finding his hands very interesting. “Oh, it’s nothing.” His voice is a little higher than before, and there’s something about him that feels closed off and distant.

“What do you mean, you’re not alone in your head?” Hyunjin isn’t sure if it’s okay to ask. Maybe this is one of the times he should pretend that Felix didn’t just confess something big. Felix said that he wanted to talk about it, but it doesn’t feel like he does.

“I don’t know why I said that.” Felix brushes it off, but he’s too anxious for Hyunjin to believe that it meant nothing. “We should probably go back.” Felix decides, standing up and starting to collect the open snacks.

“But we just got here.” Hyunjin says, confused by the sudden change in Felix’s mood. He worries that he did something wrong, but he can’t figure out what he said or did to make Felix shut down.

“It’s late.” Felix says, carrying the snacks he gathered over to the trash and dumping it before Hyunjin can stop him. They could have brought it back to their room. Felix looks like he might panic if they stay here another moment, so Hyunjin gets up too, realizing that he shouldn’t fight it.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Chapter Text

- Week 9 -

- {   Felix   } -

Felix trails after Hyunjin through the dining hall, making their way to their usual table for dinner. He smiles at Jisung and Seungmin when they get there, but Jisung only scowls back before eyeing Hyunjin as they sit down.

When they start eating, Jisung keeps looking between Hyunjin and Felix, the table enveloped in a tense silence. Felix is about to say something, anything to break the silence when Jisung suddenly grabs his tray and gets up, moving to a different table where he sits down and keeps glaring at them.

Felix scowls at his plate. He has lost his appetite, but he needs to focus on something other than Jisung. He feels like he has done something wrong, but he doesn’t understand what. Jisung went from being his friend to hating him from one day to the next.

“Still bad?” Seungmin asks. The poor guy has been pulled into the middle as well, but unlike Felix, he isn’t to blame for any of this. Felix can’t help but think that this is his fault, and it feels horrible that Jisung hates him so much for being good for Hyunjin. If Jisung was a good friend, he would be happy for them, not resent them.

“He won’t talk to me.” Hyunjin grumbles, taking a bite of his food. He has understandably been in a bad mood since Jisung confronted him last week. He still doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and Felix’s reassurances aren’t helping. It is infuriating that Jisung is causing Hyunjin so much pain, but Felix tries not to sink to his level. He is a strong believer in treating people with kindness when they’re hurting, no matter how they lash out.

“He’s just being stupid, he’ll come around.” Seungmin says, and Felix really hopes that he’s right. Jisung is still glaring at them, and it makes Felix want to hide under the table. He feels judged, and it makes him feel like he’s slipping away, but he tries to stay in control. He doesn’t want anyone else to take over and complicate the situation more. There are parts of him that will happily scold Jisung for his behaviour.

“Maybe you should go sit with him so he’s not alone.” Hyunjin says, glancing at Seungmin before looking back down at his food. It surprises Felix, but it shouldn’t. Even when he’s hurting, Hyunjin has a big heart, and he never stopped caring about Jisung.

“Sure.” Seungmin easily agrees, grabbing his tray and getting up. Hyunjin is no less tense once they’re alone, but at least Jisung is distracted enough to finally look away from them.

“That was really nice of you, you know? Making sure that he isn’t alone.” Felix says, but Hyunjin doesn’t look like he heard him. He keeps playing with his food, occasionally taking a bite that he grimaces around. He seems to be struggling more today, like everything is catching up to him and finally becoming too much.

“Are you okay?” Felix softens his voice, looking at Hyunjin’s hands instead of his eyes in case it’s overwhelming for him. He feels like he has to tread very carefully, like Hyunjin is a ticking timebomb, and anything can set him off.

Hyunjin flinches every time there’s a loud noise, a tray clattering to the floor, or a glass being set down too harshly. Felix recognizes the signs of overstimulation, but he doesn’t know nearly enough to know how to help. The only thing he can understand is that being talked to when everything is already too loud doesn’t help.

So Felix stops trying to talk to him, hoping to be a comforting presence instead. He starts eating his own food while looking around the dining hall, trying to ground himself because he doesn’t like how hazy his head is getting. He looks around for an object to focus on, something to solidify his presence in his body, when he spots the vending machines.

He remembers sneaking out with Hyunjin to get snacks last week. He tries to recall as many details as possible, telling himself what they did, which snacks they got, what table they sat at, what they talked about. Thinking about it reminds him that he almost told Hyunjin that there are people in his head, and he really wishes that Minho had let him. He wants Hyunjin to know, but it isn’t only up to Felix.

He understands that Minho doesn’t trust anyone, and he doesn’t want to betray that, but he wants to prove to Minho that Hyunjin can be trusted. Chan and Jeongin have agreed to tell Hyunjin, he just needs Minho to stop being so overprotective. He does a lot of things in the name of protection that end up doing more harm than good, but he won’t listen to anyone when they tell him that.

Felix doesn’t want to accidentally trigger Minho out by thinking too much about this. He doesn’t know if that’s how it works, it’s all so new to him, but it’s better to be on the safe side. He turns his attention back to Hyunjin, seeing how much tenser he’s gotten over the last few minutes.

Hyunjin looks like he’s holding back tears, and there’s something familiar on his face that Felix can’t quite place. He knows he’s seen it before, but he doesn’t remember what it means. Hyunjin is less fidgety than normal, and that raises all kinds of alarm bells in Felix’s head. The only stimming he’s currently doing is twirling a set of rings around his finger.

Felix is about to say something when Hyunjin abruptly pushes his chair back, the legs squeaking loudly against the floor. He flinches at the sound but doesn’t let it stop him, jumping out of the chair and practically running out of the room.

That’s when Felix places the look on his face. It’s the same one he wore on Felix’s first day when he yelled at Changbin for putting them in the same room, right before he broke down in tears. Hyunjin has told him that he had a meltdown that day, because a lot had happened that week and it all came to a halt when one last thing pushed him over the edge. That must be what is happening now.

Suddenly Felix almost wishes that someone else would come out. Chan would certainly find it easier to yell at Jisung for being an asshole, but Felix can manage on his own. He pushes his own chair back and makes his way to Jisung’s table, sitting down so he can appear as calm as possible, maybe the adults won’t realize what’s happening and stop him.

“You are the biggest dick I’ve met in a long time.” Felix says sharply, looking directly into Jisung’s eyes. He looks taken aback, but then he chuckles with a cocky smile and Felix feels his face heating up with anger.

“No, you listen to me.” Felix snaps. It is so unlike him to be angry; he doesn’t really know what he’s saying, but he knows how he feels. “You can’t get your head out of your ass for long enough to see that Hyunjin cares more about you than anyone else ever will. Sure, he shows it differently than you’re used to, but has anyone even taken care of you like he does?” Jisung doesn’t say anything, so Felix keeps going.

“You knew that Hyunjin was different because he’s autistic, and you still became his friend. I don’t understand why that suddenly became a problem. He doesn’t hug you, but he prioritizes your comfort so much that he’s neglected himself for the last week just to please you.” The words pour out of Felix faster than he can make sense of them. It’s probably messy and confusing, but he is too mad to care about sounding put together.

“He doesn’t do anything for me.” Jisung says defensively. Felix can’t tell if he’s really that clueless or just wants to be right. Either way, Felix will not let him get out of this conversation without knowing that he’s wrong.

“Really? Cause from my point of view, you’ve been testing his limits all week, and he still sat at your table because he didn’t want things to change. He put himself through hell every day to show you that he isn’t leaving, and he’s having a meltdown right now because of everything he’s done for you when he was falling apart himself, because he cares more about you than himself.

“He already does so much for you, and you don’t even realize it. If you knew how much he goes through every day just to fit in, you wouldn’t expect him to change.” Felix feels his throat get a little tight with emotion. It hurts that someone who is supposed to be Hyunjin’s friend treats him like this, and it is unfair that Hyunjin already exhausts himself daily and Jisung expects more of him.

“He changed for you.” Jisung says, keeping up the strong façade. Felix doesn’t know what image Jisung has of Hyunjin and Felix’s relationship, but it’s not like they’re attached at the hip and never stop touching each other. Their physical contact is limited, but that only makes the touches they share more special to Felix.

“No, he didn’t. He barely looks me in the eye, and he doesn’t like it when I touch him a lot, and it can get very overwhelming, very fast. Sometimes my touch makes him nauseous, and he can’t even look at me for hours. But you choose not to see that part, you don’t see that he is exactly the same person as he is with you.” Felix says, fighting to keep his voice steady. He can’t allow himself to start shouting even though he really wants to.

“You say that like you actually know how he feels.” Jisung tries to make him doubt his own words, but it doesn’t work. Felix knows that he doesn’t understand, but he listens to everything Hyunjin tells him, and he never doubts that it’s true.

“I don’t know how he feels, I never will, but I respect him and believe what he tells me.” Felix almost adds an ‘unlike you’, but he knows that Jisung will only get more defensive if he feels attacked. “Hyunjin is so caring and loving, and he shows so much affection for the people he cares about, it just looks different.”

“He still does more with you.” Jisung is infuriating. Felix wants to rip his hair out and scream his throat raw, but that won’t do any good. Neither would punching him.

“And you know exactly why. But if you want things to be the same, maybe you want him to kiss you too? Is that what this whole thing is about? You’re jealous because you want to be in my position.” Felix has wondered about that, and apparently, this is the time to bring it up. However, Jisung grimaces and looks at him like he has three heads.

“No! God, that’s so gross.” Jisung is quick to say, truly looking disgusted by the idea. It baffles Felix how he can expect Hyunjin to treat him the same as his boyfriend if that isn’t what he wants. It makes so little sense that Felix almost gives up on trying to explain it to him.

“Then why do you expect him to treat you the same as he treats me? Clearly you understand that there’s a difference and you just want him to be your friend. He has never treated you any less than any of his other friends.” Felix concludes, and this time Jisung has no snarky reply. He looks down at his food and Felix glances at Seungmin, giving him an apologetic look for pulling him into this.

“I’ll give you a moment to think about it. I need to find Hyunjin before he hurts himself because of you.” Felix says quietly, really not wanting to be overheard. Then he gets up, picking up his tray on the way out of the room to put it with the dishes.

Now that the explosive anger inside of him has calmed down a little, his sole focus is on getting Hyunjin help. He quickly makes his way across the yard, barely noticing the cold. He takes the stairs two at a time and throws open the door to his room, surprised to find it empty.

He stops just inside the door, looking around the empty space multiple times like Hyunjin will magically appear, but he isn’t here. He must have already been taken to isolation to calm down. Felix hates the thought of Hyunjin being in one of those rooms, but there’s nothing he can do about it now.

He doesn’t know how to go on with his day now, but he has to do something to distract himself. He hates being alone in their room, it feels too empty without Hyunjin, and he has too much space to think. So he heads back down to the common room, hoping it will inspire an idea about what to do with his evening.

Felix has barely sat down when Changbin comes through the front door, smiling when he spots the small boy on the couch. Felix jumps up, hoping that Changbin knows what happened.

“Hyung, is Hyunjin okay?” Felix asks, shifting from foot to foot in his desperation for answers. He knows that he can’t say much because of confidentiality, but he can hopefully confirm that Hyunjin is safe. Changbin furrows his brows in confusion, not the reaction Felix wanted.

“Shouldn’t he be?” Changbin asks, his confusion mixing with concern. Felix wracks his brain trying to think of where Hyunjin would have gone, but he can only come up with the roof and it is too cold to go there even during the day in December.

“He was really upset, and I thought he came here, but our room is empty.” Felix feels increasingly restless, like he’s wasting time just standing here when he should be looking for Hyunjin. Wherever he is, he probably needs help.

“I haven’t seen him, sorry.” Changbin shrugs, confirming that he didn’t take him to isolation. Maybe Hyunjin really did go to the roof, but that is a stupid idea in these temperatures. Hyunjin might not have been able to think very clearly though, so it is possible.

“Oh… then I need to find him.” Felix says, looking around the room like the answer will magically appear to him. He doesn’t know why he’s so scared, there is just something about the way Hyunjin left that makes Felix feel like he is very far from okay, and he can’t do nothing about it.

“If he’s not in your room, you’ll probably find him in the art room.” Changbin says. Felix face-palms, he should have thought of that. Hyunjin goes to the art room to think, of course he would go there. And it is close to the dining hall, so he wouldn’t have to hold it together for long to get there.

“Of course, thanks hyung.” Felix starts heading for the door when a thought stops him. He doesn’t know anything about helping someone through a meltdown, he never had that responsibility with his sister, and it honestly scares him a little. He turns back to Changbin, shyly asking for help. “Could you maybe come with me? I think he was going to have a meltdown, and I don’t know what to do if he’s still in it.”

Changbin quickly agrees and then they head to the activity building together. There are still loud voices coming from the dining hall, and if Felix focuses, he can hear Jisung among them. Heat surges in his chest at the thought that Jisung is having fun when he has caused so much pain for no good reason.

They walk up the stairs and head down the hallway, the lump in Felix’s gut growing the closer he gets. He’s scared and worried, not sure what will meet him, but he will deal with whatever it is, even if someone else is pulled to the front. If someone else can handle it better, Felix wouldn’t mind losing control, just this one time.

Felix enters the art room first, gently pushing open the door. His heart breaks when he finds Hyunjin curled up on the floor, pressing himself into a corner. He looks up when he hears Felix, his face tear streaked and splotched in red. Felix feels a little hazy at the sight, but he kneels in front of Hyunjin, careful not to touch him anywhere.

“Hey, it’s just me, are you okay?” Felix asks quietly, worried that his voice is too harsh for sensitive ears. Hyunjin responds by pulling his knees closer to his chest and burying his face in his hands, sobbing. It is guttural, the kind of crying that sounds like the world just ended. Felix imagines that’s how it feels to Hyunjin.

“Okay, stupid question.” Felix whispers, it is very clear that Hyunjin isn’t okay, and he’s in no state to talk. “I brought Changbin hyung, he’s going to help you.” Felix starts to get up but a hand around his wrist stops him. Felix looks down at his wrist in confusion, he thought this would be the last moment Hyunjin would want to touch him.

“I think he wants you.” Changbin says from somewhere behind him. Felix glances back at him before looking back at Hyunjin’s tear streaked face. He doesn’t know how to help when he can’t touch Hyunjin or talk to him, that’s all the comforting techniques he knows.

“What do I do?” Felix whispers back at Changbin. Hyunjin lets go of his wrist and shakes through another sob, rocking back and forth. Felix wonders how long he’s been like this and feels horrible for not following him the moment he left. He should have jumped out of his seat the moment he realized what was happening, but he let his anger get the best of him.

“There’s nothing to do or say. Just stay with him while he rides it out.” Changbin says while taking a seat in a chair on the other side of the room. Felix starts to protest, feeling unqualified and useless, but Changbin cuts him off. “I’m here if you need me, but for now, it’s under control. He just needs you to sit with him.”

So that’s what Felix does. He sits down beside Hyunjin, leaning his back against the wall. He wishes that he could hug Hyunjin or tell him that everything will be okay, but he understands that doing that would only help himself. As useless as he feels, he hopes that his silence helps Hyunjin.

After a while, a low thumping sound fills the room, and Felix looks up to see that Hyunjin’s head hits the wall every time he rocks back. His head is tilted back now, face twisted into a grimace while he cries. Felix’s heart squeezes in his chest as he reaches out to put his hand between the wall and Hyunjin’s head, lessening the impact. He looks to Changbin to silently ask if he’s doing this right, and Changbin nods in confirmation.

Felix’s chest tightens every time Hyunjin sobs, but he doesn’t feel like he’s sharing the space in his head. Maybe he’s okay because he isn’t scared, he just hurts for his boyfriend, someone he thinks he might be falling in love with. It is crushing to see him in this much pain, but at the same time, it feels good that he’s able to keep Hyunjin safe. And it must be a good sign that Hyunjin wants him to stay close in this moment.

Eventually, Hyunjin starts to calm down. His head hits Felix’s hand one last time, staying there this time. All the tension seems to drain out of him over the next few minutes, his feet sliding along the floor until his legs are straight out in front of him. He’s out of breath and exhausted, slumped against the wall while tears silently make their way down his cheeks.

Felix doesn’t know if he can say anything yet, but he wants to make sure that Hyunjin knows he’s cared for. Experimentally at first, he moves his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair. When he’s met with a sigh and Hyunjin’s eyes closing, he starts scratching his scalp more purposefully. Hyunjin melts into the wall, finally relaxing as the tears slow down. He reaches for Felix’s free hand, playing with his fingers just like he always does, and Felix knows that he will be okay.

Hyunjin’s head tilts to the side, slowly making its way to Felix’s shoulder, and butterflies erupt in Felix’s stomach. He moves his arm from Hyunjin’s hair to wrap around his shoulders instead. He didn’t expect anything like this to happen tonight, but the touch seems to comfort Hyunjin.

Maybe he is changing with Felix, but not in the way Jisung thinks. None of this is forced; Felix would have been able to see how uncomfortable he was if he didn’t like it. Instead, Hyunjin is a melted puddle of himself against Felix’s side, holding onto him like he’s scared of losing the contact.

“Do you feel better?” Felix whispers, unsure if it’s okay to speak yet. Hyunjin nods against his shoulder but doesn’t say anything. It is understandable that he isn’t ready to talk yet, so Felix doesn’t attempt to say anything else for a while. He tightens his arm around Hyunjin’s shoulders and feels him melt further into his side. The hand playing with his fingers stills, so Felix intertwines their fingers instead, looking down with a smile.

“I like your rings.” Felix eventually comments, looking at the white and black band wrapped around Hyunjin’s finger. Hyunjin’s fingers twitch at the attention, and when Felix lifts his eyes to his face, there’s a small smile playing on his lips. His lashes are still clumped together, and his face is blotchy and damp, but he manages to look beautiful, in a heartbreaking way.

Hyunjin suddenly moves from his arms, sitting cross legged in front of Felix instead. He doesn’t look up from his lap, but he doesn’t have to for Felix to see how much better he feels; exhausted, but much lighter.

“I yelled at Hanie when you left.” Felix whispers. He hopes that he managed to get through to Jisung, maybe things will be better now. Hyunjin lets out a breathy chuckle, lifting his eyes to Felix’s chest in a silent question. “It felt good to tell him he’s an asshole.” Felix admits in another whisper. He won’t lie and say that it was just for Hyunjin. He doesn’t know what happened to always treating people with kindness, but Jisung deserved what he got.

Hyunjin grabs Felix’s hand again, intertwining their fingers like before. He hesitates to talk, and Felix doesn’t push him, understanding that a meltdown will have lasting consequences. He will never know how it feels, but he will always meet Hyunjin where he is at.

Hyunjin lets go of his hand after a few minutes, and Felix immediately misses the touch. He watches Hyunjin play with his rings again, twirling them around his finger for a while before suddenly stopping. He grabs the top ring, pulling it off and presenting it to Felix. The white band glints in the light, and when Felix doesn’t react, Hyunjin grabs his hand and slides it on his finger.

It is too big for Felix’s ring finger, hanging loosely around the digit. Hyunjin chuckles and pulls it off, sliding it down his thumb instead. It fits better there, and Felix smiles down at his hand. He can hear everything Hyunjin isn’t saying through the small action, how thankful he is for the support and how much Felix means to him.

“Hyunjin-ie? Are you ready to go to time-out?” Changbin breaks the silence. Felix had almost forgotten that he was there and feels anxiety squeeze in his chest at what he just witnessed. They’ve been so careful not to be discovered, but the moment Changbin just saw felt more intimate than any kiss they’ve ever shared.

“Want my bed.” Hyunjin croaks, his fingers tightening around Felix’s hand. Felix knows that he goes to time-out after meltdowns, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to this time. It must be important if he pushes through whatever stopped him from speaking up until this point, so Felix looks up at Changbin who is slowly making his way over to them.

“Didn’t you say that it’s under control? Look at him, he just needs to sleep, and he wants to do it in our room.” Felix pleads, certain that Hyunjin is safe now. Changbin smiles with a hint of sadness, looking between them for a long moment.

“Okay, but someone has to stay with him just in case.” Changbin gives in, albeit with a compromise. Hyunjin frowns down at his hands, not pleased with the decision.

“You want to watch him sleep?” Felix asks, not understanding why Hyunjin can’t be allowed to sleep in peace. Felix is pretty sure that he will fall asleep in moments and stay that way until morning. There is no good reason to put him on watch.

“I don’t want to, but it’s my job.” Changbin says, and Felix can’t argue with that. He gets off the floor and holds out a hand to pull Hyunjin up as well. The three of them walk back to the boy building, thankfully not meeting anyone now that dinner is over. Hyunjin looks so tired that he stumbles over his feet a few times, and Felix resists reaching out to steady him every time.

As expected, Hyunjin goes straight to bed. Felix watches him curl up under the blankets and face the wall with his earplugs in. He is quiet save for a small ‘stay’ whispered in Felix’s direction before he turns around. It warms Felix’s heart that Hyunjin wants him here, so he sits on his own bed, pulling out his journal to have something to do.

Before opening the journal, he presses the pen into the back of his hand; ‘Stay with Hyunie’, just in case someone else fronts. They have all grown protective of Hyunjin, so he trusts that no one will leave if they know that Hyunjin needs them.

“It’s sweet how much you care about him.” Changbin’s voice is soft, a knowing smile on his face. He’s sitting on a hard chair by the door, and Felix once again almost forgot about him being here.

“He’s my best friend.” Felix says, his chest tightening in anxiety. He hopes that he manages to sound convincing, but what Changbin has seen today tells a very different story.

“Do you always fall for your best friends?” Changbin sees right through him. Felix knows that it’s impossible to lie to him, but he has to try anyway. He is terrified of being punished for something that feels so good.

“I-I didn’t fall for Hyunjin, we’re just good friends.” Felix tries to deny it, feeling himself go a little hazy. He could try to argue with Changbin, explain to him that this is a good thing, but that doesn’t take away from how they broke the rules. Relationships aren’t allowed, even heterosexual ones.

“It’s okay, Yongbokkie. Your secret is safe with me.” Changbin says softly, and it takes a moment for Felix’s mind to understand that he isn’t mad. From one moment to the next, he goes from feeling cornered and scared to immense relief that someone knows and doesn’t hate him.

“But it’s against the rules.” Felix says weakly, struggling to understand why Changbin is so okay with it. He is normally strict with the rules, and Felix used up his quota of bending them mere moments ago.

“The rules are there to protect you, but it’s a stupid rule when two people are as good for each other as you are.” Changbin explains, drawing a startled laugh out of Felix that he stifles with a hand. It feels like Changbin is saying ‘fuck the rules’ and that is so unlike him that Felix doesn’t know what to say.

Still, he feels like he can suddenly breathe now that someone knows their secret. He’s been so scared of anyone finding out, the punishment and homophobia they would meet kept him awake some nights. But Changbin found out, and he supports it.

“Thank you.” Felix mutters breathily, unable to hold back the wide smile that pulls at his lips. He drops his chin to his chest and quietly laughs again. He didn’t know how much he needed someone to accept him for who he loves until he got Changbin’s approval.

“Don’t mention it.” Changbin brushes him off, like it really isn’t a big deal at all. And maybe it isn’t.

Chapter Text

- Week 11 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin is on his way to lunch with Felix when he hears footsteps approaching them from behind. He curiously glances over his shoulder and sees Jisung running across the yard. He resists rolling his eyes in annoyance and stops walking. Felix turns with a frown as well, his lips pressing into a thin line when he sees Jisung.

“I’ll catch up with you.” Hyunjin says to him, earning a small nod. In a perfect world, he would never talk to Jisung again, but they live in an institution where it is impossible to avoid anyone for too long.

As much as Hyunjin wants to keep procrastinating this conversation, he can’t turn it down many more times before an adult picks up on the conflict and tries to fix it for them. They have already noticed that the once tightknit friend group is no longer one unit. Jisung usually sits alone now, and Seungmin has to choose him or Hyunjin and Felix.

“Hey.” Jisung is out of breath when he reaches Hyunjin, always in a rush. Hyunjin looks at the ground, fidgeting with his hands as he struggles to make his voice work. What has been done can’t be fixed, but maybe they can negotiate a truce.

“Um, hi.” Hyunjin says awkwardly, not remembering how to talk to him. He forgets how to be around people when it’s been a while; the custom mask he developed for them becomes harder to get a hold of and the socially awkward autistic boy comes out. He is aware that he shouldn’t mask with his friends, but he doesn’t know how not to.

“Can we talk?” Jisung asks as if it’s a simple question. They both have the ability to talk, but whether Hyunjin wants to or not is another question. He doesn’t feel like giving Jisung another opportunity to hurt him, and he doesn’t feel the need to talk about what happened. Nothing Jisung says will bring ‘closure’, whatever that means. Hyunjin is the only one who can help himself move on, although he hasn’t figured out how.

“I don’t really have anything to say to you.” Hyunjin decides. He fears that talking will reopen the wound he has spent weeks carefully stitching closed. He wraps his arms around his chest and shivers at the cold seeping through his jacket, wishing that this conversation was over so he could go inside.

“But I have something to say to you.” Jisung counters. As much as Hyunjin wants to walk away from this, he can’t make himself leave if talking will help Jisung. He looks at the ground with a small nod and kicks a few rocks back and forth while he waits for Jisung to work up the courage to say what he needs to say.

“I’m sorry.” Jisung mumbles, more hesitant than Hyunjin has ever heard him. He is usually so loud and confident in everything he says, and he isn’t one to apologize or admit that he did anything wrong. He will insist that he was right even when he knows that he wasn’t because he will never admit it.

“For what?” Hyunjin asks. If Jisung thinks that a simple apology will fix everything, he is very wrong. Hyunjin isn’t sure if he can move past what happened even if he wants to. He can’t think of anything that would make Jisung’s behaviour okay.

“For being a dick.” Jisung tells his own hands. Hyunjin lets out a humourless laugh, wondering what the point of this conversation is. So far Jisung has only stated the obvious.

“How specific.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes. He has done a good job of convincing himself that he doesn’t care anymore, but that lie is falling apart now that they’re talking. It takes a lot of time and space for him to heal, and he hasn’t gotten either because they live on top of each other.

Hyunjin can handle being criticized for things he can change; it doesn’t matter when it’s a choice he makes, and he could choose to change. And he isn’t bothered by comments on his appearance, there’s nothing he can do about that anyway. But being attacked for who he is on a fundamental level really gets to him. Everyone who has done it in the past were left in the past.

“I’m not gonna make up an excuse. I know that what I did was really stupid, and I wish I hadn’t done it.” Jisung says, finally getting somewhere. Hyunjin sees how fidgety he is and thinks that he must be uncomfortable. This isn’t easy for him, but he’s still trying to apologize, and he is being surprisingly mature about it.

“You really hurt me.” Hyunjin says. He is working on being more open with his emotions, and this feels like a good place to start. If Jisung is going to apologize, he needs to know the damage he caused. Hyunjin thought that something was wrong with him because of his differences, and he has worked so hard to never feel that way again.

“I know, god, I know.” Jisung rakes a hand through his hair, frowning at the floor. “I know I don’t show it very well when I have depressive episodes, at least compared to mania, but they make me kind of delusional too and I just felt so incredibly lonely even though I was surrounded by people, and I took it out on you.” It looks painful for Jisung to be so open; he is the type of person who would rather joke than let someone know that they’re in pain.

It isn’t the explanation Hyunjin expected, but he empathizes with loneliness. He has never felt it, but it sounds crushing, and he can understand why Jisung lashed out. He needed to feel needed by his friends, and Hyunjin wasn’t able to do it in a way that got through to him that day. Hyunjin can’t help but feel bad for him, and his anger melts away like ice on a hot summer day.

“Damn it, Hanie, how do you do that?” Hyunjin chuckles. He wants to stay mad, but he can’t. He should have known that something deeper was going on, that’s why Jisung was acting so out of character. It didn’t really have anything to do with Hyunjin.

“Do what?” Jisung asks, finally lifting his eyes from the floor, and Hyunjin hurriedly looks away. He often finds himself holding eye contact with Felix without even realizing that he’s doing it, but his feelings about it haven’t changed with anyone else.

“I don’t want to care about you anymore, but I do. I care so much, and I feel horrible now that I know how you felt.” Hyunjin attempts to explain. He always forgives the things Jisung does when he’s manic, and it seems unfair to not do the same when he’s depressed. They both cloud his thinking and make him do things he wouldn’t normally do.

“I should have told you.” Jisung says. He’s right about that, but given how he felt, Hyunjin knows why he didn’t.

“Yeah, you should’ve, but I know depression, and it’s not that easy.” Hyunjin says. He is very familiar with how impossible it can be to talk to someone when the darkness creeps in, and he hates that Jisung knows that feeling too. “I would hug you right now if I could.” Hyunjin adds, knowing that Jisung probably needs it.

“You don’t have to.” Jisung is quick to say, going as far as taking a step back. “I understand why you’re different with Lix, and I accept that you won’t be like that with me. I don’t want you to change and I see how much you care regardless.” Hyunjin smiles, he really needed to hear that. There is something different about Jisung; Hyunjin wants to fight for their friendship, he doesn’t want to let it be ruined by one bad incident like every other friendship he’s had.

“Do you want to eat with us?” Hyunjin asks, gesturing toward the activity building. He is freezing and would love to go inside before his fingers fall off. Jisung smiles and nods, letting out a deep sigh of relief. Hyunjin feels much lighter too, happy to have his best friend back. This friendship is different than any other he’s had, and maybe he has changed a little for Jisung too because he’s never forgiven anyone who hurt him so deeply before.

They walk together to the dining hall, getting their trays and sitting down where Felix and Seungmin are waiting at their usual table. The two of them look between Hyunjin and Jisung for a moment, but when they see that they’re smiling, they relax.

“Oh, thank god.” Felix breaks the silence, voicing all of their thoughts. It must have been difficult for him as well, being pulled into the conflict when he did nothing wrong. It seemed to trigger whatever the energy shift is, but he insisted that he was fine every time Hyunjin asked about it.

“Are you good?” Seungmin asks, still looking between them like he expects something to blow up in his face. Hyunjin glances at Jisung and smiles. He didn’t expect for things to feel normal so soon, but it does. The four of them sitting at this table is exactly how it’s supposed to be; his routine can go back to normal now.

“Yeah, we’re good.” Hyunjin nods. He feels a small hand reach for his thigh under the table and glances at Felix with a smile. Felix’s hand is warm, even through a layer of fabric, Hyunjin wishes that it was big enough to cover every inch of his skin. Every part that Felix isn’t touching is still freezing cold from being outside.

“I should apologize to you too, Felix.” Jisung brings Hyunjin’s attention back to the room. He really hopes that Jisung didn’t say something hurtful to Felix that he doesn’t know about. That wouldn’t be as easy to forgive.

“Why?” Felix seems confused, so Hyunjin allows himself to relax. He sneaks a hand under the table to cover the one on his thigh, making sure that Felix knows that he likes it.

“I was so rude to you.” Jisung says, and no one can argue with that. Felix didn’t want to admit it, but Hyunjin knows that he struggled with the way Jisung glared at them. It was difficult for Hyunjin too, but Felix seems to be sensitive to judgement.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t about me.” Felix shrugs it off, getting a bite of food with his free hand. The hand on Hyunjin’s thigh grips a little harder, so he doesn’t believe that Felix is unbothered.

“It kind of was though,” Jisung says. “I thought I had a crush on you.” He drops the bomb so casually that Hyunjin doesn’t realize who he’s talking to at first, but he’s looking right at Felix.

“What?” Hyunjin squeaks, feeling something hot swell in his chest along with an urge to physically put himself between Felix and Jisung. He wonders if this is the jealousy he’s heard so much of. No matter how stupid it is, he feels threatened by Jisung’s confession, and he feels like he has to remind everyone that Felix is his boyfriend.

“Relax, I’m over it. There was just something about him when he got all snappy and put on the scary face, you know the one.” Jisung gestures to Seungmin with his brows raised.

“The one where he goes quiet and tells us to leave him alone?” Seungmin says. Hyunjin knows what they’re talking about, the closed off energy that surrounds Felix sometimes. Maybe Hyunjin isn’t the only one who has noticed the changes as more than mood swings.

“Yeah, that one. It’s kind of sexy.” Jisung says, and Hyunjin clenches his hands, unintentionally squeezing Felix’s where their hands are still connected. He didn’t even know that Jisung liked guys, and he hates that this is how he finds out. Of course the four queer boys would find each other.

“Can you please stop talking about him like that?” Hyunjin wants to remind Jisung that Felix is his boyfriend, but he can’t say that out loud in a room full of people. This conversation is already risky enough. No one will punish Jisung for having a crush, but it could make the adults look more closely at the group.

“I told you I’m over it.” Jisung says, but it does nothing to calm Hyunjin down. Even Felix’s hand running up and down the side of his arm does nothing. He needs Jisung to take back what he said, to say that it was a bad joke, and he didn’t mean it.

“Really? Cause it doesn’t sound like it.” Hyunjin counters, harsher than he means to. He never took himself for the jealous type, but hearing Jisung describe his boyfriend as sexy is not what Hyunjin would call a good time.

“Please don’t fight again,” Seungmin says. “We just got the group back together and I really missed this.” He pleads, and Hyunjin can’t tell if he’s joking or not. Felix slips a hand through the inside of Hyunjin’s elbow, linking their arms together and smiling sweetly at Hyunjin, his eyes flickering down to his lips in a promise for later.

“It doesn’t matter how he feels because it will never ever happen.” Felix says quietly, and that’s when Hyunjin can finally relax slightly. He still hates thinking of anyone else crushing on Felix, but Felix only ever has eyes for Hyunjin and that’s what matters.

“I was never so delusional that I thought it would.” Jisung chuckles.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin is curled up at the foot of Felix’s bed, his face smushed into the sheets and taking in the sweet scent that is uniquely Felix’s. He never liked the smell of people, but every time he catches a whiff of the sugar on Felix’s skin, he breathes in a little deeper to savour it. Waking up to that scent is like a hit of caffeine, clearing his head as he glances up at Felix.

The younger is sat curled up at the head of the bed, leaning against the wall and writing in his notebook. There’s an adorable crease between his brows as he focuses on what he’s doing. Hyunjin closes his eyes for a moment, sleep still weighing him down, and when he opens them back up, Felix is looking back at him.

Felix quickly looks away when he’s caught, heat creeping into his cheeks. Hyunjin looks away too, still shy around Felix sometimes. Butterflies flutter in his stomach and he doesn’t know if he wants to hug Felix so close that he can’t breathe or run away. Still, he can’t help but look at Felix, meeting his eyes again before looking down at the blanket that is pressed into his face.

“What?” Felix breaks the silence, his voice barely above a whisper. He’s looking at Hyunjin again, his cheeks flushed and eyes wide. Something much more intense than butterflies flutters in Hyunjin’s chest. It tingles in his fingertips and makes his heart speed up, feeling like he’s floating above the bed.

“I just love- the view.” Hyunjin barely stops himself from blurting out a confession. He wants to tell Felix that he loves him in a special way, not blurt it out like an afterthought. Felix blushes again, hiding behind his notebook.

“Why are you hiding from me?” Hyunjin asks with a smile, and Felix slowly lowers it with a sigh. He is bright red, sharply contrasting his light hair. It is turning slightly silver from his purple shampoo and Hyunjin thinks it suits him even better than the white blonde.

“I’m not hiding, I’m trying to do my assignment.” Felix says, closing the notebook and dropping it to the floor, clearly giving up. He looks inviting where he sits, warm and soft in a way that Hyunjin never thought he would care much for, but he has taken a liking to hugging Felix.

“We don’t have homework.” Hyunjin points out. Their school isn’t actually a school, it’s just a poor excuse for one. He sits up and stretches his arms above his head, yawning so deeply that he feels something click in his throat.

“It’s not for school.” Felix explains, opening his arms in invitation. Hyunjin doesn’t resist it, squeezing himself into the tight space between Felix and the wall. Their sides press together and set Hyunjin’s nerves on fire. If this is how most people always feel about physical touch, he understands why they like it so much.

“Doctor Yoon?” Hyunjin asks, figuring the assignment came from Felix’s psychologist. The school doesn’t give homework, but their therapists are more than happy to.

“Yeah. She wants me to write letters to… Maybe it will help, I don’t know.” Felix mumbles thoughtfully. Hyunjin grabs his small hand, playing with his fingers. He smiles at the white ring around Felix’s finger, matching the black one around his own. The memory of giving it to him is faded like a distant dream, that’s usually what happens to his memories when his mind collapses in on itself, but he doesn’t regret it.

“Doctor Sang made me do that once. I wrote letters to the people who hurt me and ripped them to shreds.” Hyunjin says. He thinks the purpose of that exercise is to burn the letters, but open fire isn’t allowed at BPH.

“Did it help?” Felix asks, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. His free arm wraps around Hyunjin’s back, his fingers tracing over the bare skin of his upper arm.

“Not really.” Hyunjin says. The most helpful part was putting words to his emotions. Ripping the letters up didn’t do much, and he doubts that watching them burn would feel very different. “It could help you though.” He adds, not wanting to interfere with Felix’s treatment.

“Somehow I doubt that it will.” Felix says, “I want to show you something.” He suddenly changes the subject, getting out of bed to rummage through a drawer. He comes up with a small silver brick attached to wires. It takes a moment for Hyunjin to realize that it’s an old iPod, the kind that only had a small screen and a few buttons laid out in a circle.

“How did you get that in here?” Hyunjin asks incredulously. No phones, tablets, laptops or anything are allowed, supposedly because it could affect their recovery. Even the phones they use to call home look like they were made before he was born.

“It doesn’t have internet or phone signals, so they said it was okay.” Felix shrugs. “It’s kind of like a radio, but with downloaded songs.” He starts to explain, but Hyunjin isn’t clueless. They were born in the same year; he remembers the old iPods too.

“I know what it is.” Hyunjin chuckles. His dad used to have one that looked like it had been through war, but it still worked. Hyunjin would steal it sometimes and hide under his comforter at night, listening to his dad’s favourite bands. He stopped stealing it after his dad accused his friend of stealing it and told Hyunjin to choose better friends.

“Oh.” Felix laughs, coming back over while he untangles the wire. Hyunjin does not miss spending five minutes losing his mind before listening to music, but there’s something nostalgic about watching Felix do it. It is adorably funny when Felix sighs in frustration and glares at the ceiling before continuing to pull the thin wire apart.

“I didn’t think anyone still used these.” Hyunjin grabs the iPod from Felix’s hands when he comes closer, the smile back on his freckled face now that the earbuds are untangled.

“My sister gave it to me when she didn’t use it anymore. I used it for music when I couldn’t stand being on my phone. Social media makes me physically nauseous sometimes and this felt like the only way to escape.” Felix explains, and Hyunjin can understand that. He doubts that he’ll go back to using his phone the same way once he gets out of here, now that he knows that he can survive without it.

Felix sits back down beside him, giving Hyunjin a little more space than before. Hyunjin doesn’t like the space, so he wraps his arms around Felix’s middle and rests his chin on his shoulder. He closes his eyes at the feeling of their skin touching, wishing that he could get even closer.

One of the earbuds are pressed into Hyunjin’s ear, and he watches Felix pull up a playlist. The moment a song starts playing, Hyunjin realizes how much he has missed music. He used to have music playing fourteen hours a day before he got here, but it has been months.

He adjusts his position so his cheek is resting on Felix’s shoulder, his arms slipping under the younger’s shirt to feel closer to him. Felix jolts at how cold Hyunjin’s hands are but doesn’t complain. Hyunjin loves how soft and warm Felix’s skin always is; he might be a little addicted to feeling it.

He quickly picks up on Felix’s music taste. He seems to like any genre, both upbeat and calm, but it is deeply emotional, the kinds of songs that reach into his heart and force him to feel. Hyunjin loves music like that, it gives a safe place to explore his emotions. He never cared for songs that didn’t make him feel something, and it seems like Felix agrees. Although Felix’s songs are more pop than Hyunjin’s rock preferences.

Song after song plays while they sit in silence. Neither of them says anything, but Felix mouths along to almost every word of every song. Hyunjin is so relaxed that he almost starts drifting off again, but the music keeps him alert. It’s a feeling he can only compare to meditation, floating in a heightened and numbed state at the same time. It is peaceful and calm, and he never wants it to end.

“Are you falling asleep on me?” Felix asks quietly, pausing the music. Hyunjin just grunts, his entire body feels like it’s asleep, and he isn’t sure how to move. He had forgotten how intense music can be with his heightened senses, almost feels bad for people who only experience it in the ‘normal’ way.

Before he can say anything, he’s pushed onto his back and Felix’s lips are pressed against his own. It wakes Hyunjin up in an instant, giggling and wrapping his arms around the younger’s neck. Felix straddles his waist, his hands pushing up the front of his shirt and Hyunjin feels like he’s dreaming.

Hyunjin isn’t sure what changed, when he started loving every touch with Felix. It isn’t overwhelming anymore, at least not in a bad way. He can’t always handle it, but it’s not because the touches are too much. He only avoids it if he’s already overwhelmed by something else. It makes no sense to him, but he enjoys it too much to care.

By the time they come up for air, Hyunjin feels like he’s on the verge of passing out. Felix sits back on Hyunjin’s waist, reaching for something and coming back with a pen, pressing it into Hyunjin’s palm. It is a silent question to write on his hand, to make sure that Felix remembers this moment.

Hyunjin grabs the pen with a smile, still catching his breath as he pulls off the cap and reaches for Felix’s hand. He stops to think for a moment, trying to put together words that will make sense. Once he has decided what to write, he pushes Felix’s sleeve up, knowing that he can’t write it anywhere visible.

‘I am in love with you’

He usually writes in third person, so Felix will know who the note is about, but there is no need this time. Even if Felix forgets this, he will know who wrote it. Felix twists his arm around to read, his eyes going glassy as they move over the words.

“Really?” Felix asks, like he can’t believe it. Maybe he assumes that Hyunjin doesn’t know what he’s talking about, or he doesn’t believe that anyone can love him, but both are so incredibly wrong. Hyunjin can’t explain how he knows that it’s love, it doesn’t follow any rules or patterns, but there are no other words strong enough to describe how he feels.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I just wanted you to know.” Hyunjin whispers. He has seen in movies that it can take a while to feel love sometimes, so Felix might not love him now, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t love him. Felix leans down to kiss him again, a soft flutter of lips.

“I feel the same.” Felix smiles, his fingertips tracing over the words on his arm. Hyunjin’s heart skips a beat, but uncertainty tugs at him. He doesn’t want Felix to feel pressured to say anything he doesn’t mean; he would rather wait to hear those words until they’re genuine.

“You don’t have to say that just for me, I won’t be mad-” Hyunjin lets his insecurity get the best of him, maybe he is the one who doesn’t believe he can be loved. It is too much work, there are too many limitations, and he is too complicated, anyone would grow sick of it eventually.

“I didn’t say it for you, I would never lie about something like that.” Felix interjects, calming Hyunjin’s mind before it can spiral too far. “It is terrifying, but I love you.” Hyunjin sits up then, needing to see Felix better.

“Why is it terrifying?” Hyunjin frowns. He hates the thought of something so good feeling bad for Felix. That isn’t how this is supposed to be. It’s supposed to be the most exhilarating, freeing, certain thing either of them have ever felt.

“If someone hurts you, it will hurt a lot more if you love them.” Felix quietly admits, and that same protective feeling from earlier overcomes Hyunjin. He wants to know who hurt Felix, who made him distrust people who say that they love him, and he wants to make sure that Felix doesn’t believe whatever horrible thing they said.

“I am never going to hurt you.” Hyunjin says. He cups Felix’s face with a hand and drags his thumbs over his cheekbone, wiping away phantom tears. There’s something very vulnerable in Felix’s eyes, a pain that Hyunjin has only seen a handful of times before.

“You can’t promise that.” Felix mumbles, looking down at where their hands connect. He looks like he is going to cry, but when their eyes meet again, his eyes are dry. They’re wide open in a way that makes him look fragile, and Hyunjin has never wanted to protect him more than he does in this moment.

“I can promise that I will never intentionally hurt you. I hope you know that I’m not that kind of person.” Hyunjin tries to say something comforting while being honest; he won’t spin lies just to make Felix feel better. He doesn’t know the future, and he doesn’t know what will happen, but he knows what kind of person he is, and he has never set out to hurt anyone.

“I know. It’s fine, forget it, I don’t know why I said that.” Felix shakes his head dismissively, putting on a smile. He says that a lot, almost like he isn’t always in control of what he says. He seems confused when he realizes what they’re talking about, trying to brush it off or take it back. Hyunjin doesn’t know if it’s a way to end the difficult conversation or if his confusion is genuine and he really doesn’t know where the words came from.

“Because you’re scared.” Hyunjin says. He is familiar with the anxiety of oversharing, but he’s glad that Felix told him. He can’t help if he doesn’t know what Felix worries about, and hopefully he feels a little better knowing that Hyunjin wants to keep him safe.

“Are you scared?” Felix asks, still looking at him with those wide eyes. Hyunjin will admit that he’s scared too, because love is such a high feeling, it’s a long way down if he loses it. Maybe they’re immature teenagers who don’t know what they’re talking about, but it feels like Felix has come to stay in his life. Their connection is so deep that it feels impossible for anything to break it. He doesn’t see a reason to give the fear much thought.

“New things are always scary, but I know that you won’t hurt me.” Hyunjin says without a single doubt in his mind. He would never have gotten close to Felix in the first place if he wasn’t sure about trusting him. If either of them will ever hurt the other, Hyunjin will be the guilty one, he’s certain of that.

“I hope you’re right.” Felix mutters, and before Hyunjin can ask which part of their conversation Felix means, Felix has reached for the iPod and draped himself over Hyunjin’s side. He slides one of the earbuds back into Hyunjin’s ear and turns the music back on, effectively ending the conversation.

Chapter Text

- Week 13 -

- {   Jeongin/Felix   } -

Jeongin hears the sound of a door opening and someone stepping into the room. He feels his heart speed up in his chest and sweat coat his palms but doesn’t move from his spot. It is safe under the blankets, staring at the wall. No one can get to him here. Although that is a lie. The blankets aren’t stronger than a furious grown man.

The creaking of the door is familiar to him. It allows him to brace himself for what comes next. It is always so routinely that he knows what will happen and how it will happen. That doesn’t make it any easier, but he will go through it if it means that Felix is protected from the pain.

“I brought you dinner.” Hyunjin says quietly. Jeongin tries to relax at the familiar safe voice, but his breath stutters in his throat and tears spring to his eyes. The footsteps come closer and then the bed dips behind his back, the smell of food filling his nose. He knows what comes next, and he feels out of control. He doesn’t want it to happen, he can’t do this again.

“Felix?” There is that name, the one he can never live up to. Hyunjin’s voice is soft and calm, but Jeongin can’t allow himself to feel safe. He hesitantly sits up, keeping the blanket up to his chin and never taking his eyes off of the bed. He tries to smile, but he doesn’t understand how Felix does it. He wouldn’t be so damn happy if he knew what Jeongin knows, if he remembered the things he remembers.

“Are you hungry?” Hyunjin asks, and Jeongin shakes his head, not sure how to talk. His stomach is caving in on itself from hunger, but he feels too sick to eat. There’s nausea twinging between his ribs and every breath he takes adds to it. It feels like he has already been beat up, like his body is giving him time to adjust to the feeling before it happens.

“Are you okay? I know Hanie startled you, and he felt horrible when you left.” Hyunjin talks about something Jeongin doesn’t remember. He remembers needing to escape, but he doesn’t know why. He never questions it; he listens to the panic when it tells him he’s in danger, and he runs.

“I’m okay.” Jeongin says, but his voice betrays him. It trembles around the words, making the lie weak at best. Hyunjin lifts a hand and Jeongin flinches back, his face twisting and eyes closing as he steels himself for the impact, but it doesn’t come. His eyes peel open, seeing how Hyunjin’s hand stopped mid-air, sadness clear on his face. He isn’t going to hurt him, Hyunjin never hurts him, he is kind and safe.

“You don’t look okay, Lix.” Hyunjin says it with so much sadness that Jeongin has to look away, going back to staring at the white sheets. He can see how reacting like Hyunjin was going to hit him didn’t make the lie of him being okay any more convincing. He doesn’t mind having Hyunjin around, but he would like to be left alone. If he starts talking about what is wrong, he’s afraid that the horrors will never stop.

“Told you to stop calling me that.” Jeongin mumbles to himself, so quietly that he’s sure Hyunjin can’t hear him. He remembers saying something like that when he panicked once, he got so overwhelmed by the expectation that he would pull himself together and be Felix. It was stupid to let it slip, but thankfully Hyunjin never asked about it.

“What do you want me to call you?” Hyunjin asks, and Jeongin looks up so fast that a pain shoots through his neck. He can’t answer that. Minho will kill him, and Felix will be mad at him for not getting the chance to tell Hyunjin himself. He didn’t mean for Hyunjin to hear that, forgetting that his hearing is better than most people.

“I don’t remember what happened.” Jeongin says to change the subject. It isn’t very subtle, but Hyunjin can be clueless, so it might work.

“Check your hand.” Hyunjin says, and Jeongin looks down, finding a familiar handwriting on the back of his hand. ‘Music room with Hyunie’. Felix enjoys being in the music room with Hyunjin, especially if they’re dancing, it is normally a positive trigger for him, so Jeongin shouldn’t have been able to interrupt it by simply being startled.

“Hanie tried to scare you, he thought it was funny, so he snuck up on you and yelled. You went white as a ghost and bolted. I wanted to follow you, but I thought you needed some space, and it was almost dinner time, so…” Hyunjin gestures to the plate of food and shrugs, letting Jeongin fill in the rest. He wonders how long he stared at the wall before Hyunjin appeared, he doesn’t really have a sense of time.

“Oh, I don’t…” Jeongin isn’t sure what he’s trying to say. It explains why he’s here; the jump scare must have scared Felix enough to trigger him out, thinking that they were in real danger. It isn’t the first time he had to hide from Jisung, he doesn’t trust him very much. But then again, he doesn’t trust many people beside Hyunjin.

Because of Jisung, Jeongin felt like they were in real danger. When he heard the door, he expected something much worse than Hyunjin to come through. There usually isn’t kindness coming or him when the door creaks open.

Hyunjin grabs the plate and starts cutting up the food, focusing on it for a while before talking. “Is it okay if I share my thoughts with you?” He asks and Jeongin nods, figuring that the more Hyunjin talks, the less he has to say. Hyunjin gets a bite of food between the chopsticks and holds it up, waiting for Jeongin to eat it. He hesitantly lets it enter his mouth, slowly chewing.

“You change a lot sometimes; I call them your energy shifts because it’s like the energy around you is different. I don’t know how to explain it, you just feel… different.” Hyunjin frowns, probably confusing himself too. Jeongin isn’t sure where he’s going with this, but he feels seen. It should be terrifying that someone sees what is meant to protect them, but he trusts Hyunjin.

“I didn’t want to know your diagnosis, I never looked for it, but I can’t stop my mind from making connections between things I already know. Does that make sense?” Hyunjin continues, and Jeongin nods, his heart beating out of his chest. He must have paid a lot of attention in order to see something that is normally not visible. Jeongin is great at being Felix, but apparently, he isn’t doing a good enough job around Hyunjin.

“A while ago I had this special interest in mental illnesses and spent a few weeks learning a lot about them. It really amazed me how the mind could go to such extremes to protect itself, cause that’s where a lot of mental illness, and especially trauma disorders is rooted, I think. It started as a survival thing, and then it got out of hand because it wasn’t sustainable.” Hyunjin rambles again.

“I’m not sure I’m making any sense.” He chuckles lightly. “My point is that I think I recognize the changes I see in you.” He knows, he must know. Despite their efforts to hide it, Hyunjin has figured it out. Someone broke through their defences and saw the truth that was hidden so carefully behind a wall of lies and pretending.

“I might be completely wrong, but you said you weren’t alone in your head…” Hyunjin hesitates, chewing on his lip. Jeongin doesn’t remember saying that, but Hyunjin isn’t talking about him, he’s talking about the body. “Are you not Felix right now?” He finally asks, the point of this whole rant. Jeongin fights not to panic, he thought he was prepared for Hyunjin to know, but that was when Felix would tell him. Felix isn’t here right now.

“Does it matter if I am?” Jeongin says, unintentionally confirming Hyunjin’s suspicion. No one would say that if there wasn’t some truth to Hyunjin’s question. He isn’t Felix, but he thought he was good at pretending that he was.

“No, but I would like to know who you are.” Hyunjin says. It should be comforting that he’s so calm. Jeongin always thought that anyone who found out would freak out; it isn’t exactly common to have multiple people living in the same head. But it feels wrong for someone to know, there is no way to protect themselves if someone knows how their defence system works. Still, he is tempted to tell Hyunjin the truth.

“How do you know I’m not Felix?” Jeongin asks, not sure if he wants Hyunjin to take back his question. In some ways, it’s a relief for him to know, Jeongin is so exhausted with playing Felix, and it gets really awkward sometimes when Hyunjin thinks he’s talking to his boyfriend. He doesn’t like kissing Hyunjin, it feels like he’s making him cheat, but it’s what Felix would do, so Jeongin allows it to happen.

“You told me.” Hyunjin says, once again talking about something Jeongin doesn’t know or remember. “And I recognize you. Felix isn’t this… traumatized.” A chill runs down Jeongin’s spine, no one has ever seen him so clearly, and it is terrifying and comforting at the same time. It is the sad truth, Felix doesn’t remember what happened to them, so he gets to live his life free of the trauma.

However, Jeongin is a mess. He has heard people talk about being triggered and feeling like they’re back in the trauma, but that is so far from how he feels. There is no going back to it because he never left. Every day feels the exact same as when he was nine and covered in bruises in places no one would see.

“I really want to know who I’m talking to, if you’re comfortable with telling me.” Hyunjin’s voice is barely above a whisper, carefully asking. Jeongin surprises himself by wanting to tell him. The temptation to stop playing Felix is so strong, at least when they’re alone. He still has to pretend with everyone else, but if one person in the world can know, he wants it to be Hyunjin.

“Jeongin.” He says before he can stop himself. It feels like a weight lifts off of him, and he isn’t sure if he’s going to start elevating or pass out. His ears start ringing and he can’t open his lungs for long enough to let in air. The panic and relief fight each other, pulling him in opposite directions, and he doesn’t know which will win.

“Nice to officially meet you Jeongin.” Hyunjin’s voice is distant, but it makes him look up. Hyunjin isn’t looking at him like he’s insane, or a monster, or broken. He’s smiling, and it reaches his eyes. It doesn’t make sense for him to be so calm and unaffected by this.

“Doesn’t this freak you out?” Jeongin asks. It would almost feel better if Hyunjin did freak out, it would be a predictable reaction that he knows how to handle. He doesn’t know what to do with a smile and kindness.

“Why would it?” Hyunjin shrugs, still smiling like it isn’t a big deal. Jeongin doesn’t understand how Hyunjin is so calm about seeing and hearing his boyfriend when he’s talking to someone else. It’s probably even stranger than when Jeongin catches his reflection, and it doesn’t look anything like him. He doesn’t have freckles or heart shaped lips, and his hair isn’t white and pushed out of his face, but that is who he sees in the mirror.

“Why wouldn’t it?” Jeongin counters. He shouldn’t be so confused by acceptance and kindness, but he hasn’t experienced a lot of it. No one is supposed to treat him so kindly without ulterior motives. It is always fake, a way to make him trust so he won’t see the punches coming. It is more fun that way, not to Jeongin, but to the other person.

“Because you’ve been here the whole time I’ve known Felix, I just didn’t know your name.” Hyunjin says, looking down at the forgotten plate and getting another bite of food to hold up to Jeongin’s lips. Jeongin hesitantly accepts it and chews slowly, deep in thought.

He doesn’t know what to make of this. He is certain that this will have dire consequences later, that Hyunjin will use it to hurt him in some way, but at the same time he trusts Hyunjin. Or to be more exact, he trusts that Felix is right to trust Hyunjin.

However, it has been a few months, and Hyunjin has yet to hurt any of them. There haven’t been any fights or disagreements or hurt feelings. He sees and feels how good Hyunjin is for Felix, and he has done everything to prove himself. Maybe he can let his guard down, just a little, because he told Hyunjin who he is, and it didn’t blow up in his face.

“He is going to kill me for telling you.” Jeongin says, trying to relax a little. He isn’t sure who he means, it could be anyone. Felix will kill him for taking the opportunity away from him, Chan will kill him for hurting Felix, and Minho will just kill him, but he has tried before, and it didn’t work.

“I can pretend that you didn’t.” Hyunjin offers with another bite of food. It is tempting, but Jeongin isn’t a liar. He knows how secrets tear people apart and he doesn’t want Felix to stop trusting him just when they’re finally establishing some sort of relationship and learning to communicate.

“No, it’s okay, he just wanted to tell you himself.” Jeongin declines. He doesn’t want Hyunjin to have any secrets from Felix either, it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to pretend. This moment showed him that perhaps honesty isn’t the worst thing.

“Why didn’t he?” Hyunjin asks. All the talk about Felix makes him feel a little blurry around the edges. He would love for Felix or anyone else to take over. He isn’t usually out for this long and the world is overwhelming.

“We all wanted Felix to tell you, but Minho didn’t agree. He comes out if we try to tell anyone.” Jeongin tries to explain despite how choppy his thoughts feel. He automatically fights the feeling, shaking his head slightly and looking around the room to ground himself, but everything his eyes land on looks unfamiliar.

“But not now?” Hyunjin doesn’t see that Jeongin’s thoughts are blurring together. It makes him feel like he’s fading into nothing, and it isn’t any less scary just because he knows that he won’t disappear.

“I didn’t try to tell you, you told me.” Jeongin says. His own voice sounds distant, and he suddenly becomes aware of a pressure against his back, like someone is leaning against him. It is a feeling he’s starting to recognize, along with the foreign thoughts bleeding into his mind.

“Do I know Minho?” Hyunjin asks, still clueless about anything going on. Jeongin wonders when he starts to feel the energy shift, maybe he won’t know that anything is happening until someone else occupies the body.

“You know all of us.” Jeongin feels like he’s speaking through cotton. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth, and he can barely hold his head up. The weight against his back is almost too heavy, making him slump over slightly, and he doesn’t know how to fight it for much longer.

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, finally noticing, but Jeongin doesn’t know how to speak anymore. He is too overwhelmed by the weight and pulling in his mind and body.

- { >< } -

Felix brings his hand up to his forehead where a headache is starting up, pushing his fingers into the skin between his eyebrows. He hears Hyunjin moving around the room before coming to sit beside him on the bed, his presence comforting and warm.

“Felix? Are you alright?” Hyunjin asks, voice full of concern. Felix drops his hand and squints at Hyunjin, the ceiling light piercing his eyes. These headaches never last long, but they really suck before they get better.

“It’s just my head, I’m fine.” Felix brushes it off, not wanting him to worry. He sees that Hyunjin is holding his sketch pad and pencil case and smiles, he loves watching Hyunjin draw. He still has the drawing Hyunjin gave him when they shared their first kiss, it is safely tucked into his journal along with the details about how it happened.

“I brought you dinner.” Hyunjin says, gesturing to the tray sitting on the nightstand. Felix’s stomach rumbles at the mention of food, and he grabs the plate. It looks like Hyunjin stole a couple of bites, but he doesn’t mind.

“I’m starving, thank you.” Felix starts eating, moaning around the mouthful. Hyunjin giggles at the sight, blindly opening his sketchbook to an empty page. He always opens it randomly, leaving blank pages between each drawing that just wait to be filled in. Hyunjin’s eyes flicker all over Felix’s face, taking in all the details in a way that makes him look away shyly.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Felix asks when Hyunjin doesn’t start drawing. He’s still searching Felix’s face, like he’s expecting something other than Felix eating and blushing at the attention. He wonders if he will ever stop blushing when Hyunjin looks at him.

“Do you not remember what happened?” Hyunjin frowns. Felix looks down at his hands and shrugs. He didn’t question it until now, but he doesn’t remember much after being in the music room with the group. He subtly glances at the back of his hand but there is no new note under the one about the music room.

“Uhm, we came back from the music room?” Felix doesn’t mean for it to sound like a question. Obviously, that is what happened, but he can’t find any memories of it. “Why? Did I forget something again?” He adds, but he doesn’t feel like he forgot anything. They were in the music room before dinner and now he’s eating dinner.

“Kind of.” Hyunjin shrugs and starts rummaging through his pencil case. It makes Felix think, trying to remember what happened in the music room. They were joking around, singing, dancing, laughing, just having a fun time. It was nothing out of the ordinary, and then…

“Hanie scared me.” Felix mumbles, unsure if it’s true. It feels like a faded dream, watered down and hard to grasp. There’s a faint memory of someone knocking into his back and yelling right into his ear, and if it really happened, it can’t have been anyone but Jisung.

“Yeah, he thought it was funny.” Hyunjin confirms. Felix closes his eyes for a moment, realizing that he lost time again. He hopes no one did anything crazy while he was gone, he has no way of knowing unless they tell him.

“I know we forgave him, but does he have to be so damn annoying?” Felix jokes, trying to make light of the situation. Hyunjin chuckles, tracking Felix’s hand’s movement as he takes another bite of food. Maybe that’s why he’s eating dinner in their room; if Minho fronted for a while, he wouldn’t go to dinner.

“I want to talk to you about something.” Hyunjin says, talking to his sketch pad as the pencil starts moving over the page. Felix doesn’t know whether to be nervous about the fact that Hyunjin seems to need an outlet during the conversation that’s coming. He usually doesn’t hesitate to talk about anything, bringing up whatever is on his mind with no filter, unless he’s nervous.

“You don’t have to ask.” Felix reminds him, but he knows that Hyunjin’s hesitance comes from his own nerves. Felix tries to be as open with Hyunjin as possible, no subjects are off limits, even if Felix can’t answer every question. Hyunjin frowns down at the page, his hand continuing to move for a moment before he speaks.

“I see how you change sometimes, and I didn’t try to figure out why, but I kind of know a lot about mental illnesses, and I feel like I might recognize the change I see in you.” He speaks slowly, like he’s thinking about every word before they leave his lips. Felix doesn’t know what to say, whether to stop him from continuing or ask him to elaborate.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.” Felix plays dumb. Hyunjin could be wrong, there are many mental illnesses that can cause a person to change a lot. There are a lot of illnesses Hyunjin would think of before the one Felix has.

He knows that DID is invisible to other people, but it’s hard to believe that Hyunjin wouldn’t notice something being off when Felix isn’t in control. He’s intelligent and he sees more than most despite being bad with facial expressions and social cues. It wouldn’t surprise Felix if he knows that something is going on, and Felix wishes more than anything that he could explain.

“You know my energy thing?” Hyunjin looks up from his sketch, and Felix nods, he knows that Hyunjin is sensitive to energies. “I feel your energy shift sometimes.” He says, and Felix knows exactly why he feels the change, but he has to act surprised and confused.

“Like when Hanie has an episode?” Felix asks, hoping that Hyunjin is just sensing mood changes, and this is his way of describing it. There are a lot of mood disorders, Hyunjin could be thinking about any of those. Despite how hard he is trying to convince himself that he has no reason to worry, he has a feeling that Hyunjin is on the right track.

“No, he still feels like Hanie, but you don’t really feel like you when it happens.” Hyunjin says thoughtfully, going back to his drawing. The faint outline of a face is taking shape, and Felix already recognizes his own features.

“How do you notice it, or like feel it?” Felix stumbles over his words, not sure how to ask. If he shuts down Hyunjin’s questions, it’s clear that he’s hiding something, and that Hyunjin is getting close to the truth. Too close for comfort. He wishes that he could tell Hyunjin everything, it would be such a relief, but he can’t do it as long as Minho isn’t on his side.

“Well, like at the music room when Hanie scared you. You changed and got really jumpy and frightened, and you’re suddenly the one who can’t look at me. You seem to be more panicked when that happens.” Hyunjin explains, answering Felix’s question about who fronted in the time he can’t remember. It is a fitting description for Jeongin, he remembers everything, and he still lives in the trauma, often unaware that they’re safe now.

“Other times when you change you get quiet and want to be left alone, and you feel really closed. You can seem mean, but you’re not really, you’re just hurt, I think, and it feels like an attack when your boundaries are tested.” Hyunjin goes on, again giving a good description of Minho. He’s just hurt, and unless he feels attacked, he will never do anything to hurt anyone else.

“And then other times you get this really comforting energy, but you don’t seem to be comfortable, if that makes sense. You tap patterns into everything and count, usually in threes.” That is Chan, he probably has OCD, Felix isn’t sure. It amazes him that Hyunjin knows them all so well while being unaware of their existence. He has done everything but give them a name, and Felix has to fight the urge to tell him who they are.

“Everyone changes sometimes, right?” Felix shrugs, hoping that Hyunjin will brush it off as normal. He can’t say that Hyunjin feels like Felix turns into a different person because he does. That he has four other people in his head, all who have developed their own relationships to Hyunjin. Even Yongbok, who was never out much before he found the safe comfort of Hyunjin’s arms.

“Yeah, but when you change, I can’t look you in the eye.” Hyunjin says. Felix could come up with a hundred different excuses, but he doesn’t want to make Hyunjin doubt himself when he’s right. He settles for not saying anything, fairly certain that Hyunjin has guessed correctly.

“I think I know, but I want to give you an opportunity to tell me yourself. And I don’t need to know if I’m right if you’re not ready for it.” Hyunjin says softly, looking up again. Felix knows that he must be dying of curiosity, and it means a lot that he’s okay with waiting. Hyunjin understands that Felix’s hesitance isn’t about him, and he shows so much support and care that Felix gets a little emotional.

“I want to tell you, but I need a few more days. I have to talk to Doctor Yoon first.” Felix says. He is so close to getting Minho to agree; he went from refusing to hesitating, and that isn’t far from agreeing. He just needs a little longer and some help from Doctor Yoon. She can talk to Minho when he comes out during therapy, do her thing to help him trust. He has therapy on Monday, so hopefully, he will be able to tell Hyunjin next week.

“Okay.” Hyunjin nods, agreeing much easier than Felix expected. He shouldn’t be as surprised as he is, he is just so used to not having his privacy respected that he forgot for a moment that Hyunjin isn’t like that.

“Okay?” Felix repeats, earning a small chuckle. Hyunjin looks up from his drawing for the umpteenth time, smiling softly.

“Do you want me to pressure you?” He chuckles before going back to sketching. Felix smiles softly, a warmth filling his chest. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve someone like Hyunjin, but he is eternally grateful.

“You’re just so understanding, I love that about you.” Felix says, voice quiet with emotion. He never thought that he would find love, let alone this early in life. It didn’t seem possible for someone like him, but Hyunjin has shown him that everyone deserves love.

“Is that the only thing you love?” Hyunjin teases, the corner of his mouth curling up. Felix puts away his plate before reaching for Hyunjin’s sketchpad and pencil, taking them from him and putting them on the bed. Then he plops himself down in Hyunjin’s lap, wrapping his arms around his neck.

“I love your empathy and your affection and your kindness, I love your heart and your care and your face.” Felix lists off the first things that come to mind. He could go on forever, but Hyunjin is turning so red that he might set on fire.

“My face?” Hyunjin repeats and Felix chuckles. He lifts a hand to trace his fingers over Hyunjin’s face, along his cheekbone, over his forehead, through his eyebrow, along the other cheekbone, down the bridge of his nose and onto his lips, pulling down his bottom lip slightly before leaning in for a kiss.

“It’s beautiful.” Felix whispers against his lips. He feels the heat radiating from Hyunjin’s skin, but there’s also a big smile on his lips. Felix will never shut up about Hyunjin’s beauty, so he might as well get used to it.

“What about the rest of me?” Hyunjin asks, pressing their lips together in another kiss. Felix loves Hyunjin’s lips so much, they’re so soft and warm against his own, fitting together perfectly. It makes him forget that Hyunjin asked a question until Hyunjin pulls back to fix him with a questioning look.

“I haven’t seen everything, but I’m sure I’d love it.” Felix blushes when he realizes how his words could be interpreted. “I didn’t mean it like that, sorry.” He quickly adds, suddenly overheating in his sweater. He really didn’t mean for it to sound so suggestive; he hasn’t thought about or wanted anything but kissing.

“Like what?” Hyunjin looks genuinely confused, and Felix is relieved that he’s so clueless. He shakes his head, really not wanting to explain.

“It doesn’t matter, forget it.” He says, wanting to move on. It was a stupid comment that sounded weird, but he didn’t mean it that way, it just slipped out.

“No, tell me.” Hyunjin insists, making Felix groan and hide behind his hands. Hyunjin chuckles and carefully grabs his wrists and tugs until Felix reveals his face.

“Nooo,” Felix drags out the word in embarrassment. He is not doing a good job of pretending that it’s nothing, but he is about to burn up.

“You mean my body.” Hyunjin says with realization, suppressing a smile as his eyes widen. Felix is going to die.

“It sounded like that, but I didn’t mean- I just thought- It was innocent, I swear.” Felix stutters. The more he talks, the worse it sounds, and he will never recover from this.

“It’s okay, I love all of you too.”

Chapter Text

- Week 14 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin jumps awake when something touches his shoulder, sitting up with a start and pulling out his earplugs before he’s even fully awake. When he spots Jisung standing beside his bed, he puts his face in his hands and lets out a low groan, not wanting to wake Felix up with his annoyance.

He is tempted to turn his back and go back to sleep, he went to bed overstimulated and has no interest in being awake, but Jisung has never scared him in the middle of the night before. There must be a reason, and Hyunjin’s curiosity about it will keep him awake if he doesn’t find out.

“What?” Hyunjin whispers a little too harshly, glancing over at the other bed and seeing no signs of movement. The last thing he wants is for Jisung to wake up Felix too. He’s a heavy sleeper, but once he wakes up, he’s awake. There’s no reason for this to ruin both of their sleep.

“Come with me.” Jisung says in a normal volume, having no regard for the sleeping boy on the other side of the room. Hyunjin doesn’t have to wait for more clues to know that Jisung is manic, he’s seen it build for a few days, the delusions setting in again. Seeing him wide awake in the middle of the night, practically vibrating where he stands is all the proof he needs that it finally hit.

“Why? And be quiet, Lix is sleeping.” Hyunjin reminds him in a harsh whisper. He wishes that he could see Felix’s face from here, he looks so peaceful when he sleeps, but the room is too dark. Only a sliver of light comes in from the slightly ajar door, hitting Hyunjin right in the face and burning his eyes.

“I’m sneaking out and I need your help so you’re joining me.” Jisung says, having already decided that Hyunjin is coming with him. Hyunjin doesn’t feel like sneaking out tonight, he was excited to sleep like the dead all night.

“To where?” Hyunjin asks while rubbing his eyes, attempting to wake up more. He feels like he could fall back asleep sitting up; he would flop down on the bed like a ragdoll, going right back to the peaceful nothing he felt a moment ago.

“Therapy building.” Jisung says. He goes for Hyunjin’s arm, but Hyunjin moves away in time to prevent it. He knows that Jisung is impatient and wants to physically drag him out of bed so he can’t argue, but he would possibly die if Jisung touched him right now.

“What do you want there?” Hyunjin frowns, confused by Jisung’s plan. There’s nothing fun in the therapy building, no one ever goes there if they don’t have to.

“Just come with me.” Jisung whines impatiently, stepping toward the door but coming back when Hyunjin doesn’t get up. “I’m doing this with or without you, but we both know I’ll get in trouble without you because I suck at breaking the rules and I’ll probably be too loud and- and I don’t know where to walk to be hidden.” He has a point, and that is what convinces Hyunjin. He will go to keep Jisung safe, it is his responsibility as his friend.

With a sigh, Hyunjin gets out of bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes but feeling no better. “Just stay quiet.” He grumbles, hoping he can at least manage that. Jisung holds his hand to his forehead and salutes like they’re in the military and Hyunjin rolls his eyes in annoyance. Whatever Jisung wants better be worth it.

Just like so many times before, Hyunjin slips on his shoes and jacket and peeks out of the door, slipping through when the coast is clear. It feels strange to do this with someone other than Felix, he would much rather sneak out to take Felix to the cafeteria for snacks.

Jisung quietly follows him down the hallway and through the door to the back staircase. He somehow manages to keep his mouth shut, but as soon as the door closes behind them, he is talking again.

“Does that code work everywhere?” Jisung asks, practically buzzing in excitement by Hyunjin’s side. It is quickly getting very annoying; his energy is way too intense for Hyunjin’s sleepy brain.

“Everywhere I’ve tried.” Hyunjin says flatly, too tired for this. He barely resists leaning against the wall while they walk down the stairs, missing his bed already. Some nights, sneaking out is fun and exciting, but tonight it feels wrong. He shouldn’t be in this staircase when Felix and his bed are waiting in their room.

“Do you know if it will work for Doctor Kang’s office?” Jisung asks and Hyunjin halts in the stairs, turning to look at Jisung. If that’s the plan, they might as well go back to bed now. It is a terrible plan that he has no interest in being a part of.

“That’s where you’re going? Are you insane?” Hyunjin asks, rubbing a hand over his face. He doesn’t mean to be hurtful, but he is starting to realize how overstimulated he still is despite sleeping for a few hours, and it makes him irritable.

“That’s what I want to find out.” Jisung says. Hyunjin realizes that Jisung is in fact in the height of his mania, and he is on another quest that apparently includes breaking into the head psychologist’s office. He didn’t realize that this is what Jisung’s delusions got hung up on this time, it’s the first he’s heard of it.

“Jesus christ, Hanie.” Hyunjin drags a hand through his hair and tries to think of what to do. He should take Jisung to the night guide, get him help, but he doesn’t know how to explain why he’s dressed for going outside, and he can’t trust Jisung not to sneak out without him if he tries to stop by his room to put his shoes and jacket back.

“Oh, come on, I just want to see my file. That’s not so bad, is it?” Jisung pleads, putting on his best puppy dog eyes. Even Hyunjin is weak for those eyes, the way his brows lift up in the middle and his eyes go glassy and rounder than what should be humanly possible.

“Why?” Hyunjin sighs, needing more information before he can decide if it’s worth the risk. It might be a crazy idea, but he wonders if doing this would help Jisung with his delusion. Maybe he will calm down if he’s proven wrong or gets answers.

“Because something isn’t adding up. They say I’m bipolar, but I feel fine, like literally perfectly fine, so it just makes me wonder what they are trying to hide from me. There has to be something worse they’re covering up with this lie, right?” Jisung explains his logic and in some ways, it makes sense. Not like he’s right, but like Hyunjin can understand how his manic mind came to that conclusion.

Jisung never realizes that he’s manic or that anything is wrong. He feels good, at least for the most part. Unless something makes him angry or sad, he is floating pretty high above everyone else’s mood, so of course he doesn’t question if he’s okay. And his mania comes with delusions, twisting his mind and thoughts, so yeah, it makes sense that he thinks his bipolar diagnosis is a lie to cover up something else.

“Why would they lie?” Hyunjin asks, although there is no point in trying to be a voice of reason. It’s just so obvious to Hyunjin that there would be no point in treating Jisung for bipolar disorder if he had something else, and normally Jisung would understand that too, but he’s not thinking straight.

“Are you joking? All they do is lie. We have no reason to trust anyone here.” Jisung says, and that is all the explanation Hyunjin needs. He is looking for lies, for reasons that something secret is going on. So maybe, seeing his diagnosis in his file would help him calm down.

“Will you believe it if your file says bipolar?” Hyunjin asks, despite not being sure that he can trust the answer. Jisung knows what he wants, and he will say anything he can to convince Hyunjin, and Hyunjin can’t tell if he’s lying.

“Why wouldn’t I? They have no reason to lie in a file that isn’t meant for my eyes.” Jisung says. Hyunjin drags his fingers through his hair again, knowing that this is a terrible idea, but also knowing that Jisung is going regardless of what Hyunjin decides, and he is less likely to get in trouble if he doesn’t go alone.

“Okay, fine, but you have to stay quiet and do what I say.” Hyunjin says. If they get caught for this, he will never forgive Jisung for getting him put on night watch. If someone sat by his bed and watched him sleep, he wouldn’t get a moment of rest.

They continue down the stairs and make it into the cold air outside, snow crunching under their feet as they sneak behind the buildings to the therapy building. Jisung unsurprisingly rambles the whole way, talking about all the clues he found for his mystery. Hyunjin doesn’t bother stopping him, no one is going to hear them, and he isn’t talking very loudly. It sounds like he’s mostly mumbling to himself.

Hyunjin has never snuck out to go to the therapy building before, but the same code opens this door too. “We shouldn’t be here.” Hyunjin says, something tightening in his stomach now that they’re inside. This feels different than going to the activity building and he doesn’t like it. He has to fight the urge to sprint back to his room where it’s safe, like a child who thinks they see a monster in the middle of the night.

“How is this different than going to the cafeteria?” Jisung asks, talking too loudly again. Hyunjin shushes him and Jisung pretends to zip his mouth shut and throw away the key. Someone could be in this building at this hour, so Hyunjin needs him to be quiet now.

“That’s just for snacks, it’s innocent. But breaking into Doctor Kang’s office to see your file is probably illegal.” Hyunjin whispers. They’re only missing the ski masks and flashlights to look like burglars, and that’s how Hyunjin feels too, like a criminal. His willingness to help a friend in need is probably going to backfire horribly.

“It’s my file.” Jisung says, quieter this time. He is right, but Hyunjin doesn’t feel any better about this. “Now where are we going?” They really shouldn’t do this, but Hyunjin doesn’t know how to say no now. He wouldn’t be able to convince Jisung to go back with him and he shouldn’t be in a building all by himself. He could get hurt or locked in somewhere and no one would find him until morning.

“It’s this way.” Hyunjin leads him to the staircase and Jisung recognizes where they are. He walks ahead of Hyunjin, skipping up the steps. Hyunjin has a horrible feeling about this, but he feels like it is his responsibility to keep Jisung safe.

They make it to Doctor Kang’s door on the second floor. It is painted a dark grey, looming over them just as much in the dark of night as it does during the day. Hyunjin hasn’t been here since the day Felix arrived. The chair he sat in the first time he saw him is still in the hallway. That was the day everything changed, and he wishes he could tell his past self that there was no reason to be scared. Sometimes change is good.

“Come on.” Jisung snaps him out of his thoughts. He’s already holding the doorknob, and Hyunjin feels like they shouldn’t touch it with their bare hands and leave fingerprints, but that is such a ridiculous thought. They aren’t actual criminals, and there’s no reason for anyone to know that they were here.

“Are you sure about this?” Hyunjin can’t help but ask. He still hesitates, feeling sick with nerves now that they’re actually here. This is so far from the innocent fun of sneaking to the roof or activity building.

“Please, Hyunjin, I need to know.” Jisung puts on the puppy dog eyes again, and Hyunjin gives in. He turns to the door with a sigh, typing the code into the lock. The light above the number pad flashes red, and Hyunjin breathes out in relief. “Let’s just go back.” Hyunjin says, eager to get out of here.

“We’re not giving up that easily.” Jisung says, leaning his full weight against the door like it will magically open. He turns the handle a few times, but of course nothing happens. He is being too loud so Hyunjin bites the inside of his lip and grabs Jisung’s arm to pull him away from the door.

“What else are we gonna do? Take a crowbar to the door?” Hyunjin is running out of patience for Jisung’s shenanigans. He is tired and overstimulated and kind of wants to push his face into a pillow and scream.

“What did you say the code was?” Jisung asks, frowning at the code lock. He looks like he’s thinking, but they have no chance at guessing what it is. There are ten thousand possible combinations.

“I didn’t.” Hyunjin says, having a bad feeling about giving Jisung the code. If he had known, he would’ve gone alone tonight and that is the only thing that’s worse than Hyunjin being here with him.

“Do it backwards.” Jisung says. Hyunjin is so sure that it won’t work that he gives it a shot, and to his surprise, the little light flashes green. He bites his lip as regret tightens in his gut, he really messed up by agreeing to come here.

“We’re in!” Jisung exclaims too loudly. He pushes open the door and enters, going straight over to the file cabinet. He opens a drawer and starts rifling through before closing it and opening another drawer.

Hyunjin stays in the doorway, too nervous to go inside. He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants and forces his lungs to pull in a deep breath, but he can’t chase away the bad feeling. It feels utterly wrong to be here, and he isn’t sure that they won’t be caught. Unlike the activity building, adults could be here at night, depending on whether someone is in time-out.

“Hurry.” Hyunjin whisper-yells, glancing between Jisung and the dark hallway. He is prepared for someone to show up at any moment, catching them in the act, and he has no good explanation for why they’re here. Someone might have already heard them, they would come from the first floor to check out the noise, and there is no way to escape without walking back down those stairs.

“What did you say Felix’s Korean name was?” Jisung asks from inside, forgetting all about lowering his voice. Hyunjin is so distracted by his nerves that he answers without thinking.

“Yongbok.” He says, before realizing what an odd question that is. “Wait, why?” He adds. That seems like something that shouldn’t matter right now.

“Nothing.” Jisung says, finally pulling his file out of the drawer. If it is his file. Felix’s file would be marked with his Korean name, which is exactly why Jisung needed it.

“Is that-? Hanie, no.” Hyunjin rushes inside, ripping the file out of Jisung’s hands. As expected, it is marked with Felix’s name, not Jisung’s. He can’t believe that Jisung is back at this again, that he still cares about the so-called mystery of Felix’s illness.

“Come on, we’re already here.” Jisung drags out the words, trying to take back the file, but Hyunjin holds it firmly. He will not let Jisung read Felix’s file, or anyone else’s for that sake. They came here for Jisung’s file, and that’s the only one he will let Jisung look at.

“No. Find your own file, you can’t look at anyone else’s.” Hyunjin says sternly, leaving no room for argument. Jisung rolls his eyes but goes back to the drawer and pulls out his own instead. He opens it and starts to flip though.

“Damnit, it says bipolar.” Jisung says, closing the file and waving it above his head for some reason. Hyunjin carefully puts Felix’s file back in the drawer, making sure that it is in the right spot and looks like it never left.

“Can we go now?” Hyunjin asks impatiently. They got what they come here for, and he is eager to go back now. His bed is waiting for him. Maybe he’ll even sneak into Felix’s bed, curl up with him for a while before moving to his own in the morning, just in time to not be seen like that.

“Ugh, fine.” Jisung puts his own file back as well and closes the drawer. They head for the door and Hyunjin grabs the door handle, ready to close the door and pretend they were never here.

“Wait, I think I saw something. Let me just double check.” Jisung suddenly heads back inside and Hyunjin rolls his eyes and impatiently taps his foot against the floor. Jisung gets his file back out, flipping through to find whatever he’s looking for. Hyunjin wrings his hands together before shaking them, trying to get out some of the nervous energy in his veins. He hates being here and Jisung is taking too long.

“Oh my fucking god.” Jisung suddenly says, slowly like he’s in complete disbelief. For a moment Hyunjin thinks that Jisung was right, that he has another diagnosis that was kept from him, but that makes no sense.

“What?” Hyunjin prompts when he gets no explanation. Jisung flips over the page and reads something else before answering.

“This is so far from anything I would have guessed; I knew something was up with him.” He says, looking up with clear excitement. Hyunjin’s stomach sinks, that isn’t Jisung’s file.

“Is that Felix’s file?” Hyunjin rushes inside, seeing that it is indeed Felix’s. He pulls it out of Jisung’s hands without looking at it, closing it and cradling it to his chest. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He snaps, feeling more justified than ever to yell at someone.

“I just wanted to know.” Jisung shrugs, like he really has no idea what he did wrong. He just invaded Felix’s privacy in the worst way, and Hyunjin helped him, thinking that he was doing the right thing.

“You had no right to know!” Hyunjin forgets about his fear of being caught for a moment, letting his anger take control. Did Jisung ever care about his own file or was this all some elaborate plan to get to Felix’s? It certainly seems like that was his intention all along, but he knew that he had to lie to get Hyunjin to go along with it.

“Who cares?” Jisung chuckles. Hyunjin knows that he’s manic and can’t tell right from wrong, but that doesn’t feel like a good enough reason this time. Felix’s life isn’t a fun game Jisung can play with. It is hard to believe that no part of him realizes that.

“I care, and Felix cares, and-” Hyunjin cuts himself off before he names anyone Jisung shouldn’t know about. After what Jeongin told him, he pieced together that the ‘others’ are probably Minho and Chan, but he isn’t going to invade their privacy like Jisung just did. He will keep that information to himself and let Felix decide who to tell.

“The other people in his head?” Jisung asks, with the same excitement in his eyes as before. He’s almost jumping in place with it, beyond happy that he figured it out. “That is what dissociative identity disorder is, right?”

“I’m not answering that.” Hyunjin mutters, putting the file back in the drawer and firmly closing it, leaning against it so Jisung can’t get to it a third time. He doesn’t know how much Jisung read, but Hyunjin won’t tell him anything.

Hyunjin feels like the words are a physical punch in the gut. He wants to pull them out of his brain, erase them from his memory. He wasn’t supposed to find out like this; Felix was supposed to tell him himself.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Jisung smiles. “Wait, you knew about this?” He seems to pick up on Hyunjin’s lack of surprise. He thought he knew, but Felix or Jeongin never called it DID, so he wasn’t certain that he was right. But now he knows, and he feels terrible for how he found out. It was supposed to be Felix that told him, and he seemed so close to being ready.

“You are infuriating, you know that?” Hyunjin snaps. “I don’t know if you’re still mad about how different I am with him or if you’re really that delusional, but none of this is okay. You did something horrible, and it can’t be taken back. He will find out that you know, and he will know that I helped you. Do you care about that at all?” Hyunjin can’t even imagine the damage this could do to Felix’s fragile mind. It takes severe trauma at a very young age to develop DID, and he fears what this will do to every alter in Felix’s head, but especially the ones who remember their past.

“Then don’t let him know. If it isn’t good for him, why say anything?” Jisung replies. Hyunjin has never felt this close to being physically violent with anyone. It would feel good to punch Jisung in the face, but it wouldn’t resolve anything. He needs Jisung to be far away from him before he does something he’ll regret; something else he’ll regret.

“Are you seriously asking me that?” Hyunjin can’t keep secrets, everyone knows that. Jisung has done some messed up things when he’s manic, but nothing like this. He used to think that keeping Jisung away from everyone when he was manic was unnecessary, but now he knows how capable Jisung is of hurting someone.

“Let’s just go back.” Hyunjin says. There is no point in trying to talk sense into Jisung right now. They should go back and Hyunjin needs to tell an adult so Jisung can be kept away while he’s manic. It isn’t the first time he’s had to do that, but it is the first time he’s doing it because he doesn’t want to see Jisung’s face at breakfast, or ever again.

He drags Jisung all the way back to their rooms, ignoring his rambling about what he just found out. He walks right by their rooms, continuing down the hallway and down the stairs, making it to the guides’ room and knocking on the open door. The night guide looks up from his coffee.

“Hyung, Hanie is manic again. He woke me up.” Hyunjin says shortly, pushing Jisung into the room before turning on his heels to head back to his room. If the night guide starts asking questions, Hyunjin will break wide open, so he doesn’t give him the chance.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin is awake when Felix’s alarm goes off. He is startled by the sound, the movement tingling through his numb body, but quickly settles back down. He didn’t realize that it was morning already, but that explains why his body has gone numb and how it’s so much easier to see Felix’s face from across the room.

Felix groans and blindly reaches out to hit the alarm clock. Normally it would make Hyunjin laugh, but it isn’t funny today. He feels numb when Felix stretches his arms above his head, the white ring on his thumb catching the light. And when Felix turns to sleepily smile at him, he wants to cry.

He didn’t mean to stay up all night, but after coming back to his room, sleep was too far away. He crawled into bed and looked over at Felix’s sleeping form, and time passed. He has gone over everything Jisung did a million times, telling himself all the ways he could have stopped it, all the moments he could have said no, but none of it changes what happened. It is too late now, and he can’t stand the way Felix is smiling at him in blissful ignorance.

Felix gets out of bed after a few minutes, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and reaching for a fresh outfit among the pile of clean laundry on his desk chair. It looks like he blindly chooses, barely opening his eyes as he picks the first thing his fingers land on. Hyunjin wonders if he even is Felix, and he is tempted to ask, but he can’t, he isn’t supposed to know.

Hyunjin doesn’t move from his spot in bed, having no interest in getting up today. He already knows how the day will go, fighting overwhelm from the moment he leaves the bed until it all crashes down on him sometime in the afternoon, and he isn’t interested. Maybe he can prevent something big and explosive from happening if he avoids everything.

Or maybe not, but it seems safer for it to happen in bed where everything is soft. The blankets wrapped around him might lessen the explosion, preventing it from hurting anyone else.

He knew that something like this would happen. He was right when he compared himself to something covered in sharp edges; it is impossible to keep others safe from it. He always hurts people eventually.

“Are you gonna stay there all day?” Felix chuckles, as if he himself didn’t get up less than five minutes ago. A smile tugs at Hyunjin’s lips in a beautiful moment of forgetting, but then he remembers, and hides his face in his blankets without replying. He doesn’t hear Felix continue to move around the room, realizing that his avoidance must make him nervous.

“I’m tired.” Hyunjin peeks back out of the blanket, seeing Felix relax slightly. He hates that Felix only feels good because he doesn’t know what Jisung did. Hyunjin wonders if he can even blame Jisung when he wasn’t in complete control, but he knows that he can blame himself.

“I know you are, but breakfast is in ten minutes.” Felix points out with a bright smile. Hyunjin wants to pull him into bed and kiss him and cuddle and never let go, but it wouldn’t be fair. He feels like he is deceiving Felix by keeping this from him, but he doesn’t know how to tell him without breaking his heart.

“I think I’m gonna stay here.” Hyunjin wonders why people say that when they have already decided, but he does it too. Maybe it makes it a little easier, but he also thinks it opens up for being convinced to change his mind. “I am staying here.” He corrects, because he won’t get up no matter what. He should probably pretend to be okay, but he can’t find it in himself.

“Are you coming down with something?” Felix switches over to concern, tilting his head adorably. It is tempting to lie and say yes. It would be too easy to let Felix believe that he’s just sick, and it would make it easy to deflect any questions about his strange mood.

When Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, Felix comes closer, sitting at the edge of the bed and pressing the back of his hand into Hyunjin’s forehead. “You do feel a little warm. What hurts?” He says it with so much more concern than Hyunjin deserves.

“Head and stomach.” Hyunjin says truthfully, leaving out that it’s because of anxiety and lack of sleep. He should tell Felix the truth, it would probably be the right thing to do, but he can’t. It doesn’t feel right to hurt him. He can just wait a few days, let Felix tell him himself, and then it won’t matter what Jisung did.

“I won’t sit with Seungmin then.” Felix smiles, remembering the other’s phobia. “I’ll get Changbin to come check on you later, and I’ll try to come by with some food that’s easy on your stomach. Wait- maybes don’t really work for you, do they? I will come with something during lunch, promise.” He is so sweet and caring and Hyunjin doesn’t feel like he deserves any of it.

“I’m sure that Changbin will bring something.” Hyunjin says, not wanting to be a burden. Felix knows how important it is for him to keep his promise, that Hyunjin’s entire day will feel wrong if he doesn’t do what he said, and Hyunjin doesn’t want to put that on him. He doesn’t know that Hyunjin’s day is ruined regardless.

“Do you not want to see me?” Felix narrows his eyes, his lips pressing into a line. Hyunjin’s heart stutters in his chest and he quickly sits up, grabbing Felix’s hands to pull him a little closer.

“No, that’s not it, that’s never it, Felix.” Hyunjin says. The guilt sits like a stone in the pit of his stomach, and it only grows at the thought of making Felix feel unwanted. Felix breaks out in a wide smile, a breathy laugh escaping his lips.

“Cute,” Felix comments. “I was just joking though.” He adds, and Hyunjin feels a little embarrassed for misunderstanding. He didn’t see the signs of a joke, but he’d rather make sure that Felix knows how much he wants him than not take him seriously.

“You know how much I love you right? Nothing can ever change that.” Hyunjin puts all of his emotions into his words. No matter what happens, that will never change. Even if he loses Felix over this, he will never let him go.

 “Are you okay?” Felix’s smile drops, concern taking over again. He must see something on Hyunjin’s face, he could never hide how he feels. He tries to anyway, smiling and lying back down against the pillows.

“Just a little overwhelmed.” Hyunjin mutters, pretending that it isn’t that bad. Felix leans over to place a soft kiss on Hyunjin’s cheek, followed by one below his eye. Hyunjin savours it, not sure when or if he will feel it again.

“I’ll be back in a few hours, okay? I love you too.” Felix smiles, squeezing Hyunjin’s hands one last time before letting go and leaving the room. Hyunjin can only watch him go, and he can’t help but feel like he is watching Felix walk out of his life.

Chapter Text

- Week 15 -

- {   Felix/Chan   } -

Felix has to run to keep up with Hyunjin, tempted to reach out and pull his arm to stop him, but knowing better. Hyunjin has been in such a rush lately, practically running from one thing to the next and Felix can’t help but feel like it’s because he doesn’t want to be alone with him. It reminds him too much of his first week here, but it mattered a lot less when they were strangers.

“Hyun, please slow down, I have to talk to you.” Felix says exasperatedly, speeding up a little to reach Hyunjin’s side. Hyunjin doesn’t slow down, keeping his eyes ahead of him as he heads for the door that leads outside. He was fine when they were eating breakfast, but they weren’t alone then. The moment they got up and Felix had an opportunity to talk to him alone, he started speed walking to school.

“Why are you running away from me? Stop!” Felix sounds as desperate as he feels, and that seems to finally get Hyunjin’s attention. He slows down a little, and glances in Felix’s direction. The pit in Felix’s stomach grows, he doesn’t understand what he did wrong or why he is being punished.

“Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Is that why you’re giving me the silent treatment instead of just talking to me?” Felix doesn’t have to worry about what he’s saying because they’re the last people out of the building. Everyone else is already in the yard, making their way to the school building.

Hyunjin stops dead in his tracks, flinching at the words as he turns to finally look at Felix. “What? No, you didn’t do anything.” It would almost be convincing if Hyunjin didn’t look so guilty.

“Then why are you avoiding me?” Felix doesn’t care how much the answer will hurt anymore; he needs to know. He hasn’t had many moments of clarity since Hyunjin started acting this way, and he can’t keep doing this. He hates losing so much time, not knowing who was out or what they did or why any of this is happening.

“I’m not avoiding you.” Hyunjin says, looking at the floor with pain in his eyes. Felix tries to listen to his words, but his body language is saying the opposite. He is uncomfortable right now, scared, like he worries Felix will say the wrong thing and everything will come bubbling to the surface.

“You’re going to have to explain that one to me because it feels like you’re dreading any moment we spend alone together.” Felix says, failing at hiding how much his own words hurt. He didn’t think he would have to do this again, seeing Hyunjin gone before he wakes up in the morning and only coming back right before lights out.

“It’s not about you, Lix, I promise. I’m just really overwhelmed, and in my head, and I don’t know what to do.” Hyunjin presses his fingers into his temples before gliding them through his hair, one of his nervous habits. Felix has no problem believing that he’s overwhelmed, but he thought that Hyunjin would want his help or support in times like this.

“Did something happen?” Felix prompts, seeing Hyunjin’s walls finally start to crack. He needs to know that Hyunjin isn’t mad at him. They all need to know, because Chan keeps popping out to protect him, and Minho takes over when he feels threatened, and then Jeongin jumps in because his trauma is triggered, and they’re all complete messes right now.

“Yeah, but it’s not something you did. You are… perfect.” Hyunjin says with conviction. Felix lets out a long breath, but it doesn’t explain why he’s on the receiving end of the consequences of whatever happened. It isn’t fair for him to be dragged into this if he didn’t do anything.

“Then why are you taking it out on me?” Felix feels a little emotional, swallowing back the lump that threatens to form in his throat. Hyunjin promised that he would try to communicate when something is wrong, and Felix doesn’t expect him to be perfect, but he hoped that it wouldn’t go this far again.

“I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry. That was very unfair, and you didn’t deserve that.” Hyunjin still has his eyes glued on the floor, but he takes a step closer and reaches for Felix’s hand, holding it between his own. Felix feels himself relax at the touch, knowing how impossible it would be if Hyunjin’s feelings for him had changed.

“Okay, so are we good? Are you good?” Felix asks quietly. He should have forced Hyunjin to talk earlier, but this is the first opportunity he’s had while being alone in his head. He can’t even say how many days it’s been because he’s been so out of it. He doesn’t feel like he has any answers, but he believed Hyunjin when he says that this isn’t about Felix.

“Yeah, we’re good.” Hyunjin smiles slightly, and Felix lets out a deep breath. His abdomen feels sore when it lets go of the tension it has held for days, and his shoulders hurt when they drop from their position against his ears.

“Just please don’t do it again, I forgot all of yesterday because I wasn’t there.” Felix pleads, nothing is worse than waking up on Tuesday only to realize it’s already Wednesday. He is desperate to go back to how things were last week, before Jisung got manic. It might be a coincidence, but that was when everything changed. When Jisung didn’t show up at breakfast, Hyunjin didn’t either.

“I’m really sorry. I should’ve just talked to you, but I didn’t know what to say about it.” Hyunjin sounds pained, guilt shining in his eyes when they meet Felix’s. Felix lifts a hand to press his thumb between Hyunjin’s brows, smoothing out the tension there and seeing his face relax at the small touch.

“As long as we’re good now.” Felix says, ready to put all the tension behind them. It was unnecessary and pointless, but every relationship has some hiccups. Hyunjin is learning to be more open and communicate, but it takes practice to become good at something.

“We are.” Hyunjin nods, putting on a smile that doesn’t hide how guilty he still feels. Felix doesn’t say anything to take away his guilt; this is how he’ll learn from this.

“Good, because I wanted to talk to you about something.” Felix says, remembering what his plan was on the day that everything changed. After a lot of convincing, Minho had to admit that their lives would be easier if Hyunjin knew their secret, so he finally agreed. He doesn’t trust Hyunjin, but he trusts that Felix is right in trusting him. It is complicated, but it got Felix the yes he needed.

“Right now?” Hyunjin asks, looking around the empty hallway. They’re already late for school, but no one has come looking for them. Changbin probably will soon though, and he might not accept the anxiety excuse as easily if it’s both of them at the same time.

“No,” Felix decides. “I was thinking we could sneak out tonight. Talk over snacks or something?” He misses the normal things they do, and maybe it will be less scary to talk if he can busy himself with focusing on something else. He isn’t scared that Hyunjin will freak out; he seems to already know what is going on, or at least be close to the truth, but it’s still scary to say the words out loud for the first time.

“I’m really tired these days; I need all the sleep I can get.” Hyunjin says, letting go of Felix’s hand in favour of wringing his hands together. Hyunjin loves sneaking out, he has never turned it down, even when he was dying with a cold a few weeks ago.

“Do you want to skip then? We could find a place to talk.” Felix offers. They could go to the art room or back to the dining hall, and hope that Changbin won’t come looking. He’ll probably let them skip, but Felix doesn’t want to be interrupted and lose his nerve.

“I was kind of looking forward to school today.” Hyunjin says, and Felix snorts a laugh before realizing that Hyunjin isn’t joking. And just like that, the pit in his stomach is back. Hyunjin is working hard to not be alone with him.

“You hate school.” Felix weakly points out. He wants to be wrong; he wants to believe every reassurance Hyunjin gave him, but he feels sick and hazy enough to look around the empty hallway to try to ground himself.

“Yeah, but it can be relaxing to sketch in my notebook with some background noise.” Hyunjin chuckles, but it sounds more nervous than anything. He isn’t a good liar; it is written all over his face.

“It’s when a dog doesn’t eat.” Felix mumbles, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt at pushing down the tears building behind his eyes. “That’s when you know something’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong.” Hyunjin says, but it sounds more like a question. Felix feels anger bloom in his chest, but it isn’t his anger, it belongs to the foreign thoughts bleeding into his head. He tries to push it down, take back control, but it doesn’t make a difference. He is triggered, and someone is coming to handle it for him.

“I can’t help but feel like you’re still avoiding me.” Felix doesn’t mean to say it out loud, but apparently, some part of him isn’t backing down. He feels it now, the protectiveness of Chan weighing him down like a weighted blanket, and he doesn’t know whether it feels strangling or comforting. The switches are getting easier the better they get at communicating, but he still feels like his legs will collapse under the weight of it.

“I’m not avoiding you.” Hyunjin insists, but it is no more convincing than any other of his lies. Felix doesn’t understand what he did, or what could have happened to make Hyunjin so scared of being alone with him, but it is making it impossible for Felix to be alone with him too.

“Saying that doesn’t really make a difference when you refuse to be alone with me.” Felix feels like he’s looking at Hyunjin through a fog, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less when he doesn’t say anything to try to defend himself. “Forget it. I’m going to skip, but you have a nice day.” Felix rushes out of the building before Hyunjin can notice his energy changing.

- { >< } -

Chan frowns when he sees how messy the room is, feeling his fingers itch at how chaotic it looks after just a few days. There is a pile of laundry on the chair, dirty clothes on the floor, clutter on every available surface, and everything is out of order. It is impressive how messy the others are, but he secretly likes it because it gives him more to do, and he likes being needed and useful.

He starts with the pile of clean laundry, sorting it into smaller piles before folding it, making sure that every fold is perfect. It takes longer than necessary because he has to do everything three times, but he doesn’t mind too much. The longer it takes, the longer his mind is distracted.

Once the clothes are put away, he tidies up the desk, tapping every item against his fingers before putting them away. He makes sure that everything that belongs on the desk lines up perfectly. Then he makes the bed, spending a good ten minutes on making sure that there are no creases in the blankets.

He keeps going like that until there’s nothing left to do, lining up shoes, jackets, even the pictures on the wall, gathering dirty clothes and trash, and making every object look like it belongs where it sits. And if he does the same to Hyunjin’s side of the room, he’s sure the other won’t complain.

The only problem with doing this is that once everything is perfectly neat, he can’t move anything. He can’t sit on the bed and crease the sheets, or sit by the desk and move the chair, and he can’t take their journal or iPod or a book from the places he assigned them. All that is left to do is sit on the floor where he won’t disturb anything and let his thoughts wander.

He doesn’t like thinking. If he lets himself think he has to face the reality of his existence and that is too daunting to ever look at. Doctor Yoon says that it is common to struggle with realizing that he’s an alter in a system, but nothing about this feels common. How is he supposed to be okay with just being a fragment of something bigger when he feels as real and whole as anyone else?

Of course he doesn’t know how anyone else feels about their existence, but he’s not like one of the Emotions in Riley’s head in Inside Out. He’s a three-dimensional person, who was probably created from trauma, and may not exist forever, but he has emotions and memories and personality traits that make him a whole, individual person.

Trying to wrap his head around it makes him feel dizzy, and he doesn’t feel better no matter how many times he taps his fingers against his leg. His other hand presses into the side of his neck to feel his pulse, his heart hammering against his fingertips.

He wishes that Felix had told Hyunjin already. Maybe then he could talk to Hyunjin, get reassurance from anyone other than his psychologist that he’s real. If he thinks too much about it, he starts to feel like he is in a fever dream, like he will blink out of existence at any moment. But Hyunjin must know him, and he would hopefully say that he’s as real as Felix is.

Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, considering the fact that Hyunjin won’t talk to any of them this week, but Chan really needs someone to comfort him. Even if Hyunjin yelled at him, it would help because Hyunjin has no reason to be mad at someone who isn’t a real person.

He doesn’t realize how much time has passed until the door opens and Hyunjin slips through. A quick look at the clock tells him that the entire school day passed while he was cleaning, and he doesn’t know whether to be impressed at his ability to spend that long on one room.

With his back to Chan, Hyunjin closes the door quietly before leaning his head against it with a low bang. Chan doesn’t know if Hyunjin has noticed him, or if he should announce his presence before this gets awkward. Before he can decide, he hears a sniffle and looks a little closer. Hyunjin’s shoulders shake in a silent sob before he drags in a stuttered breath, sniffling again.

This works too, taking care of people always gets Chan out of his head. He carefully stands up and moves closer to Hyunjin, making sure that he hears him coming. He lies a careful hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder, testing if it’s okay to touch him, and Hyunjin all but melts into him. He easily turns around and lets himself be cradled in Chan’s arms, pressing his face into his shoulder and letting go of his restraint on himself.

“I-I’m sorry.” Hyunjin cries around the words. Chan isn’t sure if this is a normal crying or a meltdown, but Hyunjin probably wouldn’t want to be held if it was the latter. The crying is silent save for whimpers, sniffles and stuttered breaths.

Hyunjin’s hand fists the back of Chan’s shirt, pulling him impossibly close while he cries. Chan silently holds him, holding Hyunjin’s head in place with one hand and rubbing his back with the other. He is surprised at the physical contact, Hyunjin is usually much more reserved with anyone but Felix, and that includes Chan. He must be too upset to notice the differences that normally keeps him from hugging Chan, even when he doesn’t know that it’s Chan.

Eventually, Hyunjin pulls back a little, lifting a hand to wipe at his eyes, but tears keep cascading down his cheeks. Chan starts walking them toward Hyunjin’s bed, letting go of the hug because he knows how uncomfortable Hyunjin would be if he knew that he wasn’t hugging Felix. However, Hyunjin sits down so close to him that they’re almost on top of each other, looking at Chan with teary eyes.

“Why are you so nice to me after…” Hyunjin trails off with a hand wave, but Chan knows what he means. The last week didn’t affect Chan as much as the others, he has mostly been triggered out to protect Felix. He understands why the others are reacting to Hyunjin’s avoidance, but he believes that there is a reasonable explanation for it.

“I know this isn’t about me.” Chan says. As far as he can tell, Jisung hurt Hyunjin again, and that is what this is all about. He probably said something hurtful, or they had another fight, and Hyunjin doesn’t know how to process it. Chan can handle being collateral damage, but Felix can’t, so Chan has fronted more than Felix in the last week.

“Felix?” Hyunjin frowns, looking a little closer. Chan realizes that he forgot to think of what Felix would say, and he is not lucky enough to get away with it. “I really need to talk to Felix.” Hyunjin says, tears gathering in his eyes. Chan doesn’t know what to say, he didn’t think Hyunjin knew anything.

“I don’t- I can’t-” Chan splutters, trying to come up with something to say without lying or revealing the truth. Hyunjin’s face drops and he moves away slightly, so their sides aren’t touching anymore. Chan should have moved back earlier, he knew Hyunjin would be uncomfortable if he realized.

“You’re not Felix.” Hyunjin mumbles, looking down at his lap. Chan wants to lie just to comfort him, but Hyunjin isn’t asking, he already knows. Maybe Chan shouldn’t be surprised; he is very perceptive. He would put the pieces together at some point.

“I’m sorry.” Chan apologizes, wishing that he could make Felix appear, but it doesn’t work like that. There has to be a trigger to bring on the switch, he can’t force it. Maybe he will learn how to use positive triggers at some point, but he doesn’t know what Felix’s triggers are yet.

“I really need Felix.” Hyunjin croaks, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. Chan is tempted to wipe them away, but Hyunjin doesn’t want to be touched. Felix is the exception, and even though Chan looks and sounds like him, he isn’t him.

“We can’t control it, I’m sorry.” Chan really wishes that he had a way to switch with Felix, but it would still feel weird to do it without his consent. Felix is hurt and might not be in the comforting mood for the person who hurt him.

“Can you tell him something for me?” Hyunjin sniffles and wipes his cheeks. Chan hesitates, they aren’t that good at communicating yet. It isn’t like picking up a phone with Felix on the other side; he doesn’t know how it happens when they’re able to talk. “If you do, tell him I’m ready to talk?”

“Of course, but I can’t promise anything.” Chan says. He can write it in their journal, hope that Felix sees it, or wait for contact to happen naturally, but he can’t force this either. This might be easier in the future too, but they’re still so new to all of this.

“I’ll write it on your hand.” Hyunjin says, getting up for a moment to look for a pen. Chan cringes when he messes up the desk he just cleaned, rifling through a drawer and pulling things out until he finds what he’s looking for. He leaves the drawer open and comes back to bed, hesitating when he reaches out for Chan’s hand.

Chan quickly catches on, reaching for a pillow to put between Hyunjin’s legs and his own hand. A small smile tugs on Hyunjin’s lips as he presses the pen into the back of Chan’s hand, touching him as little as possible. ‘Hyunie wants to talk about what happened’.

In moments like this, Chan wonders if his existence does more harm than good. He is preventing Felix from having a conversation he wants and needs to have, keeping him waiting for longer than necessary. It is only slightly comforting that Felix isn’t aware of any of this or how much time passes while Hyunjin waits to talk to him.

“I’m not mad that you’re not him, I just wanted to talk, but it’s nice to officially meet you for the first time.” Hyunjin says, bringing Chan out of his thoughts. Hyunjin looks a little better, smiling despite the red eyes and remnants of tears glistening on his skin.

“It’s nice to meet you too, without pretending that I’m Felix.” Chan says. It feels strange to not pretend, and to admit out loud that he isn’t Felix, but there is no point in denying what Hyunjin already knows.

“The first time I kissed Felix, I told him that he made me feel safe because he was like a comforting parent, but I was talking about you, not him.” Hyunjin says thoughtfully, putting the pieces together. It doesn’t surprise Chan that Hyunjin recognizes him, he almost expected it after all the time they’ve spent together.

“You are not the first person to make that comparison.” Chan chuckles. All the alters jokingly call him ‘dad’, both because he’s the oldest and because he goes out of his way to protect and take care of them.

“Are you the one who doesn’t trust me?” Hyunjin asks, tilting his head slightly in question. Chan can see why Felix fell in love with him; he is adorable, and his bluntness is refreshing.

“No, I always trusted you.” Chan says confidently. He knew the first time he met Hyunjin that he was a good person, and his intuition has never been wrong. Hyunjin has made mistakes, but that isn’t what makes someone a bad person. It is about their intentions, and Hyunjin never intended to hurt anyone.

“Even now?” Hyunjin asks unsurely, but Chan’s opinion isn’t swayed by a few bad days. Hyunjin has proved himself trustworthy time and time again, never telling anyone about what he knew about Felix’s secrets.

“Even now,” Chan says. “I have been around enough bad to know good when I see it.” He continues, smiling when he sees a light blush tinting Hyunjin’s cheeks. The tears have dried up by now, despite Chan’s inability to morph into Felix. He is good at comfort, and he takes pride in that.

“Why didn’t you question how I knew you weren’t Felix? I’m not supposed to know this, I’m not supposed to know about you.” Hyunjin frowns in confusion, probably expecting a very different reaction.

“I don’t take you for an idiot.” Chan says, not mentioning the moment he had of internal panic. “And Jeongin told you, didn’t he?” He asks, certain of it. It can’t have been Minho, and Yongbok is too young and doesn’t say much when he fronts.

“Did he tell you?” Hyunjin asks with a small frown. Chan chuckles, he knew it. He wishes that Jeongin hadn’t cracked, but at least Chan wasn’t the first one to reveal their secret, so Felix can’t blame him.

“No, but Innie would be the first to crack, so I’m not surprised.” Chan says. They all call Jeongin the baby, he is the youngest except for Yongbok, who is actually a child. He is also the most vulnerable, the most broken, but he is trusting, so he would seek comfort from someone who feels safe, and he would crack at the slightest pressure from Hyunjin.

“What is your name?” Hyunjin’s question is simple, but it makes Chan’s heart beat out of his chest. He has never introduced himself before, he never thought anyone would want to know his name. That would mean they think of him as a real person, someone worthy of his own identity and a name that only belongs to him. He smiles at the realization that this is how Hyunjin sees him.

“Chan.” Chan says, something fluttering in his chest at hearing his own name spoken out loud. He has never done that before, there was never a need for him to say his name.

“Chan.” Hyunjin repeats, as if to test out how it feels in his mouth. Hearing it in someone else’s voice feels even better. Chan is probably smiling too widely for the moment, but this is exactly what he has needed all along, someone to see him without drawing lines to any of the other alters. In this moment he is just Chan, as real and fully formed as Hyunjin is.

“That’s hyung to you.” Chan says, half prepared to explain how that works, but Hyunjin just nods. It makes Chan wonder how much Hyunjin knows about DID, if he doesn’t need anything explained, or if he’s just holding himself back from bombarding Chan with questions the first time Hyunjin knows who he’s talking to.

“Chan hyung. Yeah, that feels right for you.” Hyunjin corrects, nodding to himself. Chan is tempted to ask why, but Hyunjin said that he felt like a parental figure a few minutes ago.

“Do you want to eat your dinner here?” Chan asks, his stomach grumbling with a reminder that it is dinner time. He doubts that Hyunjin wants to spend a second in the dining hall after his little breakdown, so he is more than happy to bring their food here.

“Please, I can’t go back out there.” Hyunjin looks nervous at the thought of leaving his room, so Chan is quick to nod and smile. He has seen how overwhelming the dining hall can be for Hyunjin even when he’s having a good time.

“I’ll go get our trays. I’ll be right back.” Chan promises before making his way toward the dining hall. He spots Seungmin in the yard, walking ahead of him, and speeds up to catch up with him. Seungmin jumps when Chan appears at his side, gasping in a breath before chuckling at himself.

“Felix, you scared me.” Seungmin says, bumping into Chan’s arm to knock him off balance. Chan stumbles to the side, pretending to fall before straightening back up. He doesn’t think it’s very funny, but it’s how Felix would react, so he does it without thinking.

“Do you know what he did?” Chan asks, getting right to the point. Seungmin often unwillingly becomes the middleman, being a neutral part in all the Hyunjin-Jisung drama. Felix, and by extension Chan, is automatically pulled to Hyunjin’s side, and Chan has no doubt that it is the right one. 

“Who?” Seungmin seems confused, and it confuses Chan as well because he always knows what is going on. Jisung isn’t secretive, always babbling to someone about his plans, so Seungmin should know.

“Jisung,” Chan says. “What did he do?” He repeats, but Seungmin still looks lost. It is hard to believe that Jisung wouldn’t blab about it, especially when Hyunjin clearly knows what he did, but maybe this is more complicated than it seems.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it was probably stupid.” Seungmin says, and he’s right about that. It doesn’t seem like they just had a fight. It somehow feels more serious this time, or Hyunjin wouldn’t have refused to talk about it for so long. He had no problem opening up to Felix the last time he fought with Jisung.

“That’s what I fear.” Chan mumbles to himself. From what he’s heard, Jisung has delusions when he’s manic, and he thinks he has to solve whatever he’s delusional about. There’s no telling how far he would go to solve this week’s mystery, seeing as how he wouldn’t know right from wrong. Chan is getting a sneaking suspicion that Hyunjin was involved, it would explain a lot; the guilt, avoidance and overwhelm can’t just be because he heard what happened.

“I was just-” Seungmin starts but falters, busying himself by opening the door to the activity building. “Lix, are you okay? Did something happen to Hyunjin? He left in kind of a hurry earlier.” He says while they slip through the door, into the comforting warmth inside.

“I don’t know, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.” Chan says. A part of him wants to find out first so he can protect Felix from whatever it is, but he also feels like he should stay out of it. Hyunjin is going to talk to Felix, and since Seungmin doesn’t know anything, there isn’t much Chan can do until then.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Seungmin asks, keeping his voice low now that there are other teens within earshot. Chan sighs and taps his fingers against his palms, counting silently in his head.

“Not really, no.” Chan says. That isn’t how he goes unnoticed. He can pretend as much as he wants, but he doesn’t have the same gestures and words as Felix. He goes unnoticed by keeping his head down and being careful about the things he says and does.

“Hyunjin wanted to eat in our room, so you’re alone today, sorry.” Chan changes the subject, giving Seungmin a sheepish smile. Seungmin just shrugs, like he expected it.

“That’s okay, your boy comes first.” Seungmin says, and Chan tries not to cringe at the words. It never stops feeling weird to be spoken to like Hyunjin is his boyfriend, he feels more like a brother to Chan, but he can’t say that, so he just smiles and heads for the counter to get both their trays and head back to their room.

Chapter Text

- Week 15 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin gasps awake with the remnants of a dream playing at the edges of his mind. The details are already forgotten, but the desperation remains in his chest, making him feel like he needs to reach out and grasp something if he doesn’t want to lose it. It is easy to guess what the dream was about, and where it came from.

He hates his stress dreams. He always wakes up soaked in sweat, feeling drops trail down his skin and soaking into the bed. It is so disgusting that he doesn’t want to move, but every second he stays like this makes him feel sicker.

Peeling the covers back, he cringes as he sits up, feeling his clothes stick to his skin like he dipped them in water. The alarm clock on the nightstand tells him that it’s still early, but not too far from morning, so at least he isn’t losing a lot of sleep. Taking out his earplugs, he listens to Felix breathe for a moment, feeling closer to tears with every puff of air that escapes Felix’s lungs.

He is going to lose Felix today; he can’t escape it. It would have happened yesterday, but Chan stuck around for a while, and then Felix got quiet and shut himself away for the rest of the evening. Hyunjin almost asked multiple times, but he didn’t want to say Jeongin’s name out loud in case he was wrong. There are too many lies to keep up with. It needs to stop. It will stop today.

He tiptoes to his dresser to pull out a clean outfit, thankful to whoever folded and put his clothes away yesterday. Felix remains undisturbed, not even stirring at the noise, and Hyunjin is more grateful than ever that he’s such a deep sleeper. If Felix is the one who wakes up, the conversation will happen, and Hyunjin needs to wake up a little more first.

He heads downstairs with his clean clothes, towel and toiletries. Since no one is supposed to be awake yet, he peeks into the night guide’s room to tell them that he’s taking a shower, surprised to see Changbin. All the hope guides rotate the night shifts, and Hyunjin must have missed that it was Changbin’s turn.

Changbin just nods, waving him off before going back to the book his nose was buried in. Hyunjin is relieved that he doesn’t say anything. He knows what a sweat-soaked Hyunjin means, but Hyunjin has no words to describe what is going on.

Once he’s in the bathroom, he makes quick work of the shower; he was never a fan of water on his skin. Still, he lingers a moment too long, praying that this day doesn’t have to happen. It feels like he’s getting ready for his execution; a weight of dread clogging up his chest more with every second that takes him closer to the end.

He’s on his way back to the stairs when Changbin’s voice stops him, a short call of his name that Hyunjin could ignore if he wanted to. Against his better judgement, he lets Changbin stop him and turns around.

“Are you alright?” Changbin asks, eyeing the clothes under Hyunjin’s arm. He must have noticed the large sweat stains earlier, and he knows that it only happens when Hyunjin is under a lot of stress. This isn’t the first night Hyunjin has showered at ungodly hours, but it hasn’t happened in a long time. In fact, this might be the first time since Felix arrived. It would be a heartwarming thought if Hyunjin wasn’t about to lose him.

“Just stressed, hyung.” Hyunjin says, seeing no point in lying. Changbin has been his hope guide for so long that it feels like he’s known Hyunjin his whole life. He knows him better than anyone, so Hyunjin couldn’t lie even if he wasn’t clutching sweat soaked clothes.

“That’s why I’m asking.” Changbin says. Hyunjin can feel his eyes on him, but he doesn’t look up from Changbin’s chest. He must see how conflicted Hyunjin is, how scared and worried he has been in the last week, but he hasn’t pushed it, used to Hyunjin coming to him of his own accord.

“I…” Hyunjin hesitates. For some reason, he doesn’t want to get Jisung in trouble for what he did. He shouldn’t still care, but he can’t make himself tell Changbin what happened. “I can’t tell you. It’s not just about me.” Hyunjin looks down at his feet, feeling shy. Maybe he is scared to get in trouble too, or maybe he just cares too much about people even when they hurt him.

“I’m here if you change your mind.” Changbin says, accepting the excuse. Hyunjin is relieved, he would crack if he kept asking.

“Thank you.” Hyunjin says shortly, relieved when Changbin lets him go. He is normally open with Changbin, talking about his worries like it’s the most natural thing in the world. But this is so complicated, it wouldn’t just hurt Hyunjin if he talked.

Felix is still asleep when Hyunjin comes back to their room. He is curled up on his side, facing the room, his peaceful face illuminated by the hallway light for a moment before Hyunjin shuts the door.

He wishes he could talk to Felix right now, get this off his chest no matter how much it will hurt. It can’t be worse than forcing Felix to live with false trust. Hyunjin has never been particularly patient, but he is forced to be now. Felix might not be Felix when he wakes up either.

Hyunjin looks out the window, but he can’t see anything. There are no stars in the sky, no streetlights or windows shining into the room. Even when he steps closer, there is only pitch black, so dark that there appears to be nothing outside the window.

He knows that he won’t be able to go back to sleep, so he grabs his sketchpad and turns on the small light above his bed, watching carefully to see if it disturbs Felix. The younger doesn’t move a muscle, continuing to breathe deeply. Hyunjin tries to copy his breathing to calm himself down, but it feels like he’s being strangled, so he goes back to shallow breaths that make his chest ache.

He knew that this would happen. He knew the first time he laid eyes on Felix. Hyunjin was always going to hurt him, to cut him with his sharp edges that he can’t protect people from. Still, he let himself believe that he could be good for Felix. He believed it with his whole heart, wanting so desperately for it to be true.

He's shading in a rose, trying to make it look less like a cabbage, when a sound comes from the other bed. Hyunjin lowers his knees to peek at Felix, seeing that he has rolled onto his back. He doesn’t look as peaceful as before, his hand twitching at his side and his head moving slightly back and forth as more sounds escape his lips.

Hyunjin easily recognizes it as a nightmare. It happens every week, and Hyunjin has learned how to handle them. He learned that shaking Felix awake is the worst thing he can do, and that he often doesn’t even have to wake him up in order to help. There is a moment of hesitation where Hyunjin wonders if he can still help like he normally does, but he decides to push away his own emotions. As far as Felix knows, they’re still okay.

Putting down his sketchpad, Hyunjin carefully moves over to the other bed and slides in beside Felix. He wraps his arms around the smaller boy, holding him close and whispering into the darkness that he’s safe and that it’s just a dream. Sometimes, Felix settles down without waking up, comforted by the touch and words that bleed into his subconscious. Other times, he wakes up.

The latter happens today. Felix goes still in Hyunjin’s arms and then his eyes open, looking at the ceiling for a moment before finding Hyunjin beside him. He doesn’t scream or burst into tears like the first time, he already knows that he’s safe.

Hyunjin watches him process what just happened, looking around the room before searching Hyunjin’s face. There’s something childlike in his eyes, in the set of his jaw and the pout on his lips. His eyes slide shut before shooting back open, lingering images of the nightmare must still paint the insides of his eyelids.

The tension seeps out of Felix, and he turns on his side and ducks his head below Hyunjin’s jaw to press his face into his chest. It gives Hyunjin the opportunity to wrap his arms more securely around him, holding him close and never wanting to let go.

Hyunjin feels stiff and tense, like he’s made of hardened cement. Every muscle in his body aches with the effort of it, but he can’t make himself relax. These could be the last moments he has where Felix still loves him. The thought is enough to make Hyunjin want to cry, but he breathes through the lump in his throat and holds Felix a little closer. 

Felix seems to suddenly realize what is going on and sits up with a start, searching Hyunjin’s face with confusion. The childlike look is gone, and Hyunjin wonders if that wasn’t Felix. Perhaps the child in him comes out after nightmares, and it’s not just about fear like Hyunjin always thought.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you avoiding me?” Felix’s voice cuts through the precious silence of the room. Hyunjin feels worse when he realizes that his reassurances didn’t do anything to help. He should never have tried to lie to him, it was obvious what he was doing, and denying it only hurt Felix more.

“I’m not avoiding you anymore.” Hyunjin says, glancing down to Felix’s hand and seeing the words still scribbled there. ‘Hyunie wants to talk about what happened’. As if he can feel where Hyunjin is looking, Felix lifts his hand to read the words, shoulders sagging as he takes them in.

“Do I want to know?” Felix asks, chuckling weakly like he’s trying to lighten the mood. It doesn’t lift the sudden tension between them, only succeeding in making Felix look more scared. He looks hopeful too, like maybe this is just another situation where Hyunjin is overreacting because he doesn’t understand something.

“Probably not.” Hyunjin mutters. He wishes he could make up a lie, make this all go away, and pretend that nothing happened. But that would mean deceiving Felix. “But I have to tell you anyway.” The truth always has a way of getting out, and the longer Hyunjin waits, the worse it will be.

He looks at Felix for a long moment, waiting for a sign that he’s ready for the bomb to drop. Felix looks down at his hands with a frown, fidgeting in a way that tells Hyunjin he’s anxious. He doesn’t look up or say anything, he barely even breathes in the silence of the room. Minutes pass, and Hyunjin can’t figure out how to start. Or maybe he’s procrastinating, soaking up the last few moments where Felix doesn’t hate him.

“My silence is your cue.” Felix says, but he still doesn’t look up. It makes Hyunjin look a little closer, wondering if it’s really Felix sitting in front of him. Jeongin is usually the one who can’t look at him, who is drenched in fear, but it feels different this time. Felix’s fear is just an emotion, it doesn’t run any deeper than that.

“Look I,” Hyunjin hesitates. Everything in him screams not to say it, but he has been more than selfish enough already. “I know.” He says, certain that Felix will know what he means. There aren’t many things he could have found out that would make him this scared to talk.

“You know what?” Felix asks, seemingly oblivious. Maybe he doesn’t want to put the pieces together, or he doesn’t want to react before he’s certain that he’s right, or Hyunjin is so in his head about this that it isn’t as obvious as he thinks. Either way, he has to find a way to continue talking.

“I know what you have.” Hyunjin can’t help but be vague. He could mention DID or any of their names, but he’s scared. He won’t pretend that it is to spare Felix’s feelings by easing him into it.

“What do you mean?” Felix asks. His voice is flat and he’s still frowning at his hands. He must know what’s coming, that there are no good endings to this conversation. It must be written all over Hyunjin’s face, radiating off of him in waves that are already crushing Felix’s fragile heart.

Hyunjin sucks in a breath and closes his eyes. “I mean Jeongin,” He says before he can stop himself. “And Minho and Chan as well.” Silence meets him, so he opens his eyes, seeing that Felix looks the same. It is almost like he didn’t even hear what Hyunjin said. Maybe the words were so loud in Hyunjin’s head that he whispered them, too quietly to be heard.

“I don’t know what to say to that.” Felix says, just when Hyunjin is about to repeat himself. Of all the reactions Hyunjin expected, this is the worst one. Felix doesn’t even have words for how he feels. Hyunjin should never have been allowed close enough to hurt him on such a deep level. He should have never sat at Felix’s table and explained that he didn’t know how to be friends.

“I’m sorry, Lix. I didn’t want to find out.” Hyunjin’s voice cracks, pressure building behind his face. Felix finally looks up, but Hyunjin wishes that he hadn’t. There’s something intense on his face that makes Hyunjin want to back away. Anger, he realizes, pure rage. He has never seen Felix angry before.

“Then why did you?” Felix asks, his voice sounding surprisingly normal. Maybe Hyunjin just can’t hear the change, but he knows Felix’s voice by now, and this sounds no different than normal.

Hyunjin is taken aback by the question. For some reason, he wasn’t prepared to tell the story. He should have been, of course Felix wants to know, but he didn’t think it mattered because it won’t change anything. Before he loses his nerve, he strings together some words that might make sense.

“Hanie woke me up in the middle of the night, wanting to sneak into Doctor Kang’s office. I thought it would help him, so I went along with it. He-” Hyunjin’s voice catches in his throat, knowing that his next words will only add to Felix’s hurt and anger. He realizes that this was selfish too, he didn’t want to tell the story because he didn’t want to reveal what a horrible thing he did.

“He read your file,” Hyunjin croaks, a part of him hoping that Felix won’t hear him. “And he told me.” Felix physically recoils, scooting back so their legs aren’t touching anymore. Hyunjin swallows thickly, willing himself not to cry.

“And you were in on it?” Felix asks, the calmness in his voice a sharp contrast to the emotions on his face. Perhaps it isn’t calm, it’s just void of emotion, tricking Hyunjin into thinking that a part of Felix isn’t mad.

Hyunjin feels his heart stutter in his chest, it sounds so horrible when Felix puts it like that, but it’s the truth. Hyunjin was in on it, he thought he was doing the right thing. However, he won’t let Felix believe that Hyunjin helped Jisung with the purpose of reading Felix’s file. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

“I didn’t know what he was doing. He told me that he wanted to see his own file, that he thought there was some conspiracy hiding his true diagnosis by saying he had bipolar. I believed him, and I thought that it would help if he saw that it really said bipolar. I didn’t know that it was all a lie to get to your file.” Hyunjin can’t help but get defensive. He messed up, but he isn’t as terrible a person as it sounds.

“Did it?” Felix says flatly. He’s looking over Hyunjin’s shoulder, eyes fixed on something Hyunjin can’t see. He is so focused on it that Hyunjin almost turns around, expecting someone to be behind him.

“What?” Hyunjin asks, not understanding Felix’s question. He isn’t fully aware of what he even said, or what part Felix is referring to.

“Did it say bipolar?” Felix asks, confusing Hyunjin further. He doesn’t see how it matters; it was all a lie anyway. Jisung made up the whole thing, saying what he needed to so Hyunjin would go with him. He never doubted that he had bipolar, or he would have talked about it from the moment mania started to tighten its grip on him.

“Yeah, but then he pulled out your file, and I stopped him. I put it back and we went to leave, but he said that he had to double check something, and I didn’t realize that he was looking at your file until it was too late.” Hyunjin doesn’t understand how he could be so stupid. In hindsight, it is obvious that Jisung went back to check Felix’s file.

“And what did my file say?” Felix asks, just as flatly as before. Hyunjin doesn’t know what to think, if it’s still Felix, someone else, or no one talking to him. He could be dissociated, taking in none of this and talking without thinking.

“Felix-” Hyunjin is cut off, not by words but the flash of fire in Felix’s eyes when their eyes meet. Felix’s fingers lift to press into the side of his neck, like he’s clinging onto his own pulse to calm himself down because he can’t rely on anyone else.

“What did my file say?” Felix asks more sternly, his eyes burning holes through Hyunjin’s own, but he doesn’t allow himself to look away. He deserves to be as uncomfortable as he is, to have Felix look into his soul and turn it to ash.

“It said dissociative identity disorder.” Hyunjin hesitates around every word. He sees Felix’s eyes well up with tears before he looks away, closing his eyes and biting his lip. Hyunjin wonders if he should have kept it a secret, he was so sure that telling him was the right thing, but how can it be right to hurt someone so much?

“You went into my file and found my diagnosis when you knew that I wanted to tell you myself, and I was so close.” Felix’s voice is thick with tears, his hand falling back into his lap. Hyunjin feels his own tears pressing behind his eyes, but he wills them to stay back.

“I should have stopped him.” Hyunjin says, pouring all of his guilt into his voice. He had so many opportunities to stop Jisung. He could’ve said no when he realized what Jisung had planned, or when the code didn’t work. He could have gone inside with Jisung, made sure that he never got his hands on Felix’s file. He could have prevented him from going back inside, he could have double checked for him, or he could have never gotten out of bed in the first place.

“But you didn’t!” Felix snaps, the anger finally reaching his voice. It is almost a relief, but it hurts. Felix should be angry, but Hyunjin was never good with being yelled at. Felix’s voice is sharp in his ears, his arms lifting to cover them before stopping mid-air and falling back down.

“I tried, but I was too slow.” Hyunjin argues weakly, but he doesn’t believe his own words. He let Jisung go back inside, even though he knew that Jisung had already tried to look at Felix’s file once. He should’ve gone back inside with him.

“You didn’t try. You went there with him, you helped him.” Felix doesn’t believe Hyunjin’s words either, and he’s right. No one forced Hyunjin to help Jisung. He should have listened to his first instinct and taken Jisung straight to the night guide.

“I didn’t know what his plan was.” Hyunjin is on the verge of pleading. He can’t stand Felix thinking that he wanted to invade his privacy like that, or that he would ever do anything but protect Felix. He would never have gotten out of bed or helped Jisung if he knew what would happen.

“It doesn’t matter! You still helped!” Felix speaks as loudly as he can with thin walls in the early morning. He isn’t yelling, but his words are sharp and forceful, packing the same punch.

“Please just calm down and listen to me.” Hyunjin begs, quickly realizing that it’s the wrong thing to say when Felix’s eyes flash with anger. He just gets so overwhelmed by loud voices, and Felix’s is deep, something he loved until this moment.

“No! I have a right to be angry!” Felix snaps. The most heartbreaking part is that he sounds angry, but he looks terrified. He has pressed himself into a tiny ball of himself, trying to protect himself from further harm. Hyunjin instinctually reaches out for him, wanting to comfort him, but Felix catches his wrist before he can get too close, “Don’t touch me.” He spits, shoving Hyunjin back.

“Please, Lix, I didn’t want to know, you know that I didn’t want to know unless you-” Hyunjin tries to defend himself, reiterating what he has said since day one. He didn’t want anyone but Felix to tell him what his diagnosis was.

“Please stop talking. You can’t defend yourself.” Felix cuts him off. He wraps his arms around his knees, so tightly that nothing can get through. It breaks Hyunjin’s heart that he caused this. He can’t even imagine what is going on in Felix’s head right now. With the severity of trauma it takes to develop DID, it can’t be any better than Hyunjin fears.

“I have to tr-” Hyunjin gets cut off again, but he wants to explain, he has to try to explain in a way that Felix can understand.

“I don’t want to hear another word coming out of your mouth.” Felix says coldly. Hyunjin can tell how much he means it, and he can’t blame him, but he needs to say this. He is starting to get really worried about what this is doing to Felix; it almost overshadows his own emotions.

“If you would just listen to me-” Hyunjin lets frustration bleed into his voice. He knows that he has no right to be offended, but he can’t let Felix think that he did this on purpose. Felix doesn’t trust easily, but he trusted Hyunjin. If he thinks that Hyunjin betrayed that trust, it will crush him. And given Felix’s past, and the scars on his wrists, that is a terrifying thought.

“I don’t have to listen to a word you say!” Felix cuts him off again, raising his voice. Hyunjin cringes at the thought of anyone hearing this, of anyone waking up from this.

“But I want-” Hyunjin lowers his voice, trying to make Felix calm down, but he’s cut off again.

“It doesn’t matter what you want, you ruined everything!” Felix yells, and Hyunjin flinches back. He is quickly getting overwhelmed, and the yelling doesn’t help.

“Will you please stop cutting me off?” Hyunjin says in annoyance, louder than he means to. He is horrible at confrontation, and he wasn’t prepared for a heated argument. He is starting to feel sick with overstimulation, his skin tingling painfully and stomach rolling beneath his ribs.

“Why should I?” Felix asks, quieter but just as sharply. Hyunjin doesn’t know what to say for a moment, letting the silence stretch between them while he tries to make his voice work.

“I’m trying to explain myself.” Hyunjin says as calmly as possible. He doesn’t think that an explanation will change Felix’s mind, but he wants Felix to have the full story, to understand where it went wrong.

“Why are you not listening to me? I don’t want your explanation; I don’t want to hear another word you have to say!” Felix yells, it sounds painful for his throat. It is only a matter of time before Changbin decides that something must be wrong and comes bursting in. Hyunjin couldn’t handle that, and Felix couldn’t either. He already appears to be in fight or flight, and Hyunjin can’t get through to him.

So Hyunjin doesn’t say anything else. Nothing he says will matter. Felix is too emotional and triggered to listen, and Hyunjin is too overwhelmed to put together words that make sense. He might throw up if Felix yells one more time, so he doesn’t test him. The silence stretches uncomfortably for minutes, but Hyunjin doesn’t say something just to break it.

“I wish I had never met you.” Felix breaks the silence. His voice is so cold and flat, like no part of him feels bad for what he’s saying. “You are the biggest mistake of my life.” His eyes burn into the side of Hyunjin’s head, making a chill run up his spine and down his arms so painfully that Hyunjin grits his teeth.

“You don’t mean that.” Hyunjin says desperately, looking at Felix’s nose because he can’t stand making eye contact. He feels like he’s breaking, this is the moment he loses Felix. He knew that it was coming but nothing could prepare him for the pain of having a piece of himself ripped out.

“Is that how little you think of me? Like I’ll just let you walk all over me because I’ve been hurt before.” Felix says. Hyunjin could argue, but Felix won’t hear anything he says. He shouldn’t forgive Hyunjin, he shouldn’t listen to his excuses or let him explain. Hyunjin hurt him in the worst way, and Felix is entitled to anything he feels.

“I knew we couldn’t trust you.” Felix’s words make Hyunjin look up. Something connects in his head, and he wonders how he didn’t notice the change happening. But there’s only one person who never trusted Hyunjin, who has been proved right by this.

“Minho.” Hyunjin breathes. The one who comes out to prevent people from finding out about their DID, that’s what Jeongin said. Hope tugs at Hyunjin’s chest, because maybe this entire conversation was with Minho, and Felix isn’t actually mad at him. But it’s pointless to hope, Minho is right, he can’t be trusted.

“You don’t trust me, I get it, I’ve given you no reason to-” Hyunjin starts to desperately rant, a last effort to be heard so he can fix this, but Minho cuts him off.

“Then why are you trying to change my mind?” Minho spits. “Leave. Or I will make you.”

Hyunjin has no choice but to listen. As much as he wants to stay to make sure that Felix is okay, that isn’t his job anymore. Felix doesn’t want him to stay, and neither does Minho. So Hyunjin stumbles out of bed and heads for the door. He wants to apologize or try to explain one last time, but he doesn’t say anything before leaving.

The hallway is still dark, and he nearly falls down the stairs when he tries to walk on numb legs. He spots Changbin standing in the doorway of the guides’ room, he must have heard the yelling. Hyunjin ignores him, going to sit in the common room. He desperately needs someone, but he has nowhere else to go.

Changbin follows Hyunjin, sitting on a chair opposite of him and leaning forward, like he’s expecting Hyunjin to break or spill, but he does neither. He looks blurry through the tears in Hyunjin’s eyes. When he blinks, he feels them fall hotly down his cheeks, but fresh ones blur his vision just as quickly.

“Hyunjinnie?” Changbin says. Hyunjin feels lost at sea, all alone in the world. He doesn’t have Felix anymore, and he lost Jisung too. He can’t go to Seungmin, boys aren’t allowed in the girl’s building, and he can’t talk to Changbin. He can’t share his pain with anyone, and no one can make him feel better.

“What do you need?” Changbin asks. Hyunjin doesn’t know how to think, he doesn’t know what he needs, or what might help. All he can think about is Felix and that he doesn’t have him anymore. He will never hold Felix in his arms again or kiss his soft lips or see him smile that smile that is reserved just for Hyunjin.

Hyunjin thinks he asks for something, but words meld together and become mush, making no sense to him. Changbin disappears and Hyunjin barely takes notice. He deserves to be alone. He can’t blame anyone else for what he’s done, he wasn’t held at gunpoint. This is his own making, and he can’t fix it.

Hyunjin breaks, completely and utterly. He curls in on himself and sobs. The entire building can probably hear him, but he can’t find it in himself to care. His world just shattered, and there is no way to fix it.

Footsteps come closer, and then someone sits at Hyunjin’s side, a soft voice breaking the surface of the ocean Hyunjin is drowning in. Seungmin. For a blissful moment, Hyunjin thinks that it will be okay now, but then he realizes that he won’t make a difference.

Seungmin can’t hug him, he can’t lay a comforting hand on his back or squeeze his hand. Only Felix could do that. Hyunjin can’t let Seungmin touch him, and he can’t look at him, and he can’t stand the sound of his voice.

Hyunjin curls tighter around himself and cries harder. He didn’t know what he was missing out on before he met Felix. But now he desperately needs a hug, and he can’t have one.

He realizes that he has no one. Absolutely no one. And for the first time he thinks he might understand how loneliness feels.

Chapter Text

- Week 16 -

- {   Minho/Felix   } -

Minho sits on the stairs in front of the main entrance to BPH, watching over the yard spanning between the buildings. He can see everything from here, watching the teens move across the yard from a safe distance. He has no plans of following them to school, preferring death to a room full of people.

He doesn’t know the names of any of the teens passing by. They walk in small groups, some talking and having fun, others in a sombre silence that is to be expected in a place like this. He never took the time to really notice them before, other than being paranoid about what they must think of him and why they’re looking at him.

There aren’t many teens, so the yard quickly empties, leaving only Minho in the cold mid-January air. The freezing cold is refreshing, somehow the chill reaching for his bones is comforting. It is cleansing in a way, chasing away the strangling heat that often comes with anxiety. He would much rather shiver than sweat, which is why he never dresses for the cold.

Another boy reaches his field of vision, late for class, and this one Minho immediately recognizes. His dark hair has grown long in the last few months, falling over his face as he stares at his feet while walking. There’s a strange longing in Minho’s chest. It shouldn’t be there, he shouldn’t be attached to someone who hurt him, but how is he supposed to not get attached when Felix loves the boy?

It might be Felix bleeding into his being, Felix’s longing reaching out for Hyunjin and silently begging him to look over, but Minho doesn’t feel Felix’s presence. Felix hasn’t been around a lot in the last four days. Minho only sees him when they dream, and Felix says the same thing every time, that Hyunjin showed his true colours, and nothing can change that.

Now Minho follows Hyunjin with his eyes, willing him to look over, and this longing is all his own. The need is so intense that he half-expects Hyunjin to feel it. Hyunjin’s head twitches to the side, just barely, before he looks back at the ground in front of him. It might be Minho’s imagination, but stubborn hope tugs at him, that maybe Hyunjin still cares.

He wants Hyunjin to fight for Felix, to be sorry and apologize and explain until he’s blue in the face, but he has done none of that. Hyunjin is a coward for giving up so easily. He spoke of love until it became a challenge, and in the days since then, he has barely even looked at them.

Minho, Chan, and Jeongin have all stayed away from Hyunjin to protect themselves and Felix, but it would have been easy for Hyunjin to approach them. Like now, Minho is sitting right here in the open, with nowhere to hide, and it would be so easy for Hyunjin to come over and talk to him. But Hyunjin doesn’t even spare him a glance, despite knowing that he’s here.

Minho can’t know for certain that Hyunjin hasn’t talked to any of them, but at the same time he does know. Because that’s what love is. He should never have expected anything else. He doesn’t have the same skewed and unrealistic expectation of love that Felix does, but he can’t blame him. Felix didn’t see what love did to their parents.

Still, Minho wants to yell at Hyunjin to look at him, to turn his head and let Minho see his face. He needs to know that this isn’t easy for Hyunjin either, that he’s also hurting and grieving the loss. Minho hates that losing Hyunjin is so hard for him, but he can’t deny it. Somewhere along the line, he let Hyunjin in, and he needs Hyunjin to fight for him because he needs his friend.

It is impossible to understand why Hyunjin isn’t trying to fix it. If he loves Felix, if he accepts all of them, thinks of them as his friends, how could he stop caring the moment it isn’t easy anymore? Minho can’t wrap his head around it; it is so opposite of everything he thought he knew about Hyunjin. The person who feels so deeply that it is overwhelming let them go without a fight.

Once the initial anger started fading, Minho started to see that maybe Hyunjin wasn’t completely at fault. But the longer Hyunjin avoids him, the more he doubts himself. Hyunjin isn’t acting like someone who is innocent. But maybe he just never cared as much as he pretended to.

After what feels like an eternity, Hyunjin reaches the building and slips inside. Minho stares at the door, willing him to come back, but nothing happens. Hyunjin walked into that building as easily as he walked out of their life, and he isn’t coming back.

The cold is suddenly unbearable, shivers wracking through his body and making it hard to breathe. He doesn’t want to move, but he is overcome with the familiar need to escape. Anyone could find him here, come up to him, ask him questions that he can’t answer.

With heavy limbs, he gets up and heads in the opposite direction of the school. He keeps his head down, willing anyone he meets to ignore him as thoroughly as Hyunjin does. He nearly makes it inside to safety before a familiar voice catches his attention, the last person he wants to talk to.

“Felix, wait up!” Jisung calls from somewhere behind him, quickly catching up. Minho bites the inside of his lip and keeps walking, pretending not to hear him. “Felix!” Jisung shouts louder, making Minho flinch and give away that he heard.

“I have nothing to say to you!” He throws over his shoulder, needing Jisung to leave it alone. At the mere sound of his voice, Minho’s breath stutters in his chest, nausea tightening in his gut, and he feels like he might die if he doesn’t get out of here.

“Why not?” It’s such a childish question, asked just to be annoying. It is Minho’s anger that makes him stop walking, not the hurt or betrayal or sadness, but unfiltered, explosive anger.

“Do I really need to answer that?” Minho’s voice is harsh, glaring at Jisung until he steps back slightly. He wonders if he can hurt Jisung with the will of his mind if he tries hard enough. No one could blame him if he didn’t touch him, right?

“I would like to know, yeah.” Jisung says, cocking his head to the side and crossing his arms over his chest. He’s acting like a spoiled child, knowing nothing of the consequences of his actions, and it is infuriating.

“How about the utter invasion of privacy?” Minho starts, spitting out the words like they’re poison. “Or the complete lack of guilt for what you did? Or that you dragged Hyunjin into it and broke us up? Should I keep going?” He tries to speak like he is Felix, but Felix isn’t capable of such anger. He will never yell at anyone no matter how hurt he is.

“Don’t you wonder how it broke you up so easily?” The corner of Jisung’s lips tug like he’s fighting a smile, and it makes Minho see red. He wonders if this was Jisung’s plan all along, if he tried to break them up, out of jealousy or envy, he doesn’t know. He can’t begin to guess why Jisung wanted to hurt them so much.

“Easily? Is that really what you’d call it?” Minho snaps because no part of this is easy or simple. It is a mess that keeps growing, and Jisung made it all happen with the most elaborate plan Minho has ever seen outside of movies.

“Why he isn’t fighting for you then.” Jisung continues. Minho looks down and bites the inside of his lip, willing it not to wobble with the urge to cry. He can’t show weakness even if he feels like falling apart at the mere mention of Hyunjin giving up on them. Hyunjin was supposed to be different, he even got through the great big walls around Minho’s heart, but it was all a lie.

“I know why he isn’t talking to me.” Minho lies, turning on his heels to leave. He hopes it is convincing, that his voice doesn’t betray the truth; that he has no idea and is desperate for an answer.

“You were just a special interest to him.” That makes Minho stop, but he doesn’t turn around. “See, he has a special interest in mental illnesses, and the moment you arrived, he was trying to figure you out. He was just fascinated by you, and now he lost interest. It was always going to end the moment he found out.”

Minho slowly turns around to look at him, searching for signs that he’s lying, that he’s just enjoying being cruel. He knows that parts of what Jisung says is true, and maybe that’s what makes it so easy to believe. As painful as it is to admit, it makes sense for Hyunjin to mistake his interest for love, and if he never loved Felix, it would be easy to move on.

“Sounds more like you’re talking about yourself.” Minho tries to sound convincing, but he can’t help but believe what he’s hearing. He thought Hyunjin’s interest in mental illnesses was in the past, but do special interests ever fully go away? From what he’s seen in Olivia, the smallest spark can bring them right back, even if it’s just for a day.

“Oh, I’m still interested,” Jisung says. “Like, are you even Felix right now? What’s your name? And how does that work? Where is Felix while you’re here?” The questions are void of respect, so far from how Hyunjin would have asked. It makes Minho feel like a zoo animal, like he exists to be displayed, viewed by gawking eyes full of a fascinated wonder, rendering him less than human.

“Is that supposed to make me like you more? You’re not even treating me like a real person, and you think I owe you an explanation just because you want to know.” Minho snaps. Pain, he thinks, he needs pain. It is like an instinct, a desire so deep that he can’t function until he’s had it.

“I didn’t-” Jisung starts, but Minho isn’t interested. He feels like the emotions will burst out of him, the pressure building until it snaps, or he relieves the pressure.

“I’m not done-” Minho cuts him off, only to be talked over.

“I don’t care, you’re not my friend.” Jisung says, making the rest of Minho’s sentence die in his throat. It shouldn’t hurt. Minho knows that they’re not friends, but he has memories of sitting together during mealtimes, and it felt like how he imagines friendships to be. He doesn’t understand what he did to deserve being treated like this.

“What the hell happened to you that made you so damn miserable? It must be fucked up if you get so much pleasure out of fucking with other peoples’ lives.” Minho feels horrible the moment the words leave his mouth, but Jisung looks unaffected. Still, he vowed never to hurt anyone, and he hates when he lashes out, despite knowing that it is a trauma response to feeling backed into a corner.

“Are you asking me? Cause I’m not the one with a fractured mind from some horrible childhood trauma.” Jisung scoffs, rolling his eyes. Minho is not going to cry. He is going to hold it all inside, let it build until he can be alone. Pain will help, the feeling of his skin splitting open will relieve the pressure.

“At least I treat people with respect, we all do. We would never hurt anyone, because we know how it feels.” Minho argues weakly, losing the edge in his voice. He’s quickly growing exhausted, struggling to keep up the strong façade he never lets down around anyone.

“What a great person you are.” Jisung’s voice drips in sarcasm. Minho doesn’t stay to hear anything else he has to say. He turns on his heels again, and this time he doesn’t look back even when Jisung’s voice cuts through his chest. “I wouldn’t miss you, no one would, not even Hyunjin.”

Minho’s feet carry him away, ignoring anything else Jisung tries to shout after him. His mind is filled with memories, of horrendous things he prefers to forget. It reminds him why he can’t trust anyone; no friend, family or partner can ever be trusted.

If he could trust family, his own father wouldn’t beat him into unconsciousness or watch countless men use his tiny body. If he could trust a partner, his mother wouldn’t have known what his father was doing and only buried herself in a bottle to forget. If he could trust friends, someone would have helped him before his father died. And if he could trust anyone at all, the abuse wouldn’t have stopped because of a bullet coming from his mother’s hands.

He can still hear his father’s voice, amplifying all the negative thoughts swirling around in his head. ‘No one would miss you, not even Hyunjin’, it sounds like his father’s voice. He was already thinking about it, he always is on some level, and this just confirms that he had the right idea. No one wants him to stay, no one will care if he’s gone.

He bursts through the front door of the boy building, waving off Changbin’s questions as he heads up the stairs. He isn’t sure if he manages to appear okay, but apparently, he strings together enough words to stop Changbin from following him. He isn’t sure if he’s relieved or disappointed that Changbin lets it go.

Once he’s in his room, void of Hyunjin as expected, he reaches for his small bag of toiletries, pushing his fingers into a small side pocket and finding the blade he stashed away there. He hid it in such an obvious place that Felix never found it.

Taking a moment to gather courage for what he’s about to do, he looks over at Hyunjin’s side of the room. It is messy as ever, and he can smell the lavender and honey of Hyunjin’s sheets, the scent that used to be comforting. Hyunjin always wanted a single room, he can have that again. His life will go on as if Minho, or Felix, were never here at all.

Looking down at his hand, Minho sees the white ring Hyunjin gave Felix all those weeks ago. Seeing it makes him feel sick, so he slips it off and places it on his pillow. Maybe Hyunjin will find it and take it back.

Heading back out of the room, Minho finds the locked door at the end of the hallway, punching in the code Hyunjin has used so many times before and climbs the stairs to the roof. No one will find him there.

- { >< } -

Chan watches Felix from across the table, looking on the verge of saying something. Felix is certain that he doesn’t want to hear it, but something keeps him in his chair. The alternative would be going to his room, but the door feels like a black hole, trying to suck him in from across the room.

“What?” Felix finally asks, not even trying to hide his annoyance. He knows what Chan wants to talk about, and he is sick of repeating himself.

“Won’t you hear him out at least?” Chan asks, as if he’s picking up the middle of a conversation. He doesn’t have to explain for Felix to know who he’s talking about.

“Why would I? He hurt us, and I’m glad he’s leaving us alone.” Felix hides the pain in his voice. He feels like his chest is caving in on itself, but he puts on a smile as if that will make it convincing, as if Chan isn’t in his head and knows exactly how he feels.

“You don’t really believe that.” Chan states, eyes full of sympathy. Felix knows that he can’t lie to Chan, but he can make it clear that he isn’t open to talking about it. As much as Chan loves to fix everything, he can’t fix it this time.

“When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.” Felix thinks he heard that somewhere, and it feels like the right thing to say. It hurts like hell, but he has been told that he’s too quick to forgive in the past and he won’t do it this time. He won’t forgive just to end Hyunjin’s pain.

“Do you really blame him? He tried to stop Jisung, and he felt horrible for finding out like that.” Chan says, he can’t seem to wrap his head around how unimportant the details are.

“Doesn’t change what happened.” Felix argues. He glances over at his door, tempted to go there even though it will swallow him whole just so this conversation will end. He can almost see it twist and swirl like a hypnosis wheel, pulling him in with some invisible power.

“It’s understandable if you’re freaking out about him finding out and disappointed that you didn’t get to tell him yourself, but don’t blame him for something he didn’t do.” Chan sounds exasperated, sick of repeating himself. But no matter how many times he says it, it doesn’t change how Felix feels.

“It doesn’t matter. He still found out in the worst possible way.” Felix says. He wants to believe what Chan says, he longs for a reason to forgive Hyunjin, but it doesn’t take away from the pain of knowing how he found out.

“No, he didn’t.” Chan sighs, making Felix finally tear his eyes away from the warped door. There’s something unreadable on Chan’s face, opposing emotions warring with each other.

“What do you mean?” Felix asks, something sharp tightening in his stomach. He feels like this whole mess is about to get much messier, and he will never be ready for that.

“He knew before.” Chan clarifies. Felix wishes he hadn’t heard those words; he doesn’t know what to do with them. Maybe it’s a relief, or maybe it just makes him angrier. But it raises a new question; if he already knew, how did he find out?

“You told him?” Felix doesn’t mean to raise his voice, but he is shocked and hurt. Chan knew how important it was to keep the secret; he wouldn’t betray Felix like this.

“Yeah.” Chan admits, looking down at his hands. “But only after.” He adds. Felix frowns in confusion before he realizes what he’s saying. Someone else talked, and Chan doesn’t want to say who.

“Who are you protecting?” Felix asks, he isn’t the only one Chan goes out of his way to protect. He wants to be mad, but he can’t find the emotion, like it’s just out of reach. It must be because he’s dreaming, but while Felix’s awareness often means that he can change his dreams, he doesn’t seem to have control over this one.

“Don’t be mad, you know how much he struggles, and Hyunjin directly asked him who he was.” Chan doesn’t say a name, but he says enough. Felix looks out at the hallway, the row of doors that belongs to all of them before settling on the snitch’s door.

“Innie.” Felix says, he should have known it was Jeongin.

“Put yourself in his shoes- what would you say?” Chan says, but Felix doesn’t want to hear it, heading down the hallway to search out Jeongin’s room. He isn’t sure if he wants to yell at him or hug him, both urges are equally strong, and he doesn’t know why.

Passing his own and Minho’s doors, he easily finds Jeongin’s, familiar with the dorm despite it being a place he only visits in his dreams. Throwing the door open, he finds the room empty, and a voice in the back of his head tells him that it is because Jeongin isn’t here right now. He tries to will him to appear, but it doesn’t work.

Disappointed, Felix throws himself down on the bed and picks up the book at the nightstand. Opening it, there is nothing but blank pages, not a single word in sight. He can’t make anything appear on the pages, no matter how hard he strains. It only gives him a headache. He has no control over this dream.

He looks up when someone enters the room, taking in the catlike features of the man walking up to him. He is confused for a moment, looking back at his lap to find that the book has disappeared.

“Minho hyung.” Felix says, scooting to the side to make space for the two of them. Minho’s dark eyes look at him in silence, a mixture of pain and guilt swirling behind them. He slowly comes closer before hesitantly sitting down, keeping his eyes fixed on something in front of them.

“I’m sorry.” Minho says, his voice weak. There’s a vulnerability in him that Felix finds hard to connect to the Minho he knows. He’s normally so strong and invincible, but it’s all a façade, one he can’t seem to keep up in this moment.

“For what?” Felix frowns, laying a hand on Minho’s shoulder. The older trembles under his touch, holding back a storm of emotions. After a moment of silence, he looks up with teary eyes, and Felix can’t resist pulling him into a hug.

“Will you forgive me?” Minho asks against his shoulder, but Felix doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what this is about, and he can’t say that it will be okay.

“What is there to forgive?” Felix asks in confusion. He tries to think of what could have happened, but he can’t seem to remember anything but his conversation with Chan.

“I just wanted to be free.” Minho admits in a whisper. “It hurt so much, I-I couldn’t-” Minho stutters, pulling back enough to meet Felix’s eyes. Felix notices that they’re standing in a field, nothing but wildflowers as far as the eye can see, and the sun setting somewhere in the distance. The scene is oddly beautiful for how broken the person in front of him looks.

“What did you do?” Felix’s voice is like the wind, the words getting lost on their way out. Minho shakes his head and steps back, and Felix feels the emptiness of his loss crashing over him. He tries to reach for Minho, but he vanishes into thin air.

A sharp pain makes Felix look down, met with stark red against his grey tinted skin. It flows down his wrists and pools in his hands before dripping onto the colourful flowers below. He feels numb, but a startled scream starts to tear its way out of his throat.

- { >< } -

Felix wakes up with a shout, sitting up so fast that he’s hit with dizziness. He presses the palm of a hand into his forehead and waits for it to pass before looking around the room. It is unfamiliar, stale and bare, a hard bed pressing into his legs.

It takes a moment, but he recognizes where he is, time-out. The word still sends a shiver down his spine, and then he keeps shivering. He feels like he’s been outside in the freezing cold for hours without a jacket, the chill reaching all the way into his bones. Laying back down, he pulls the blanket up to his nose, but it does nothing to help. The material is thin and paper-like, feeling like he’s covering himself in newspapers.

He quickly realizes that something must have happened, but he doesn’t know what. All he remembers is the dream he had right before waking up. They happen nearly every night, scarily vivid, and he’s always aware that he’s dreaming. If he closes his eyes, he can walk through the dorm, see all of their rooms and how they’re decorated to fit who they belong to. It looks as real to him as any real place he knows, but he knows that it isn’t.

He remembers what dream-Chan told him and wonders if it’s true. If Hyunjin didn’t find out from Jisung, but from Jeongin, can Felix really be mad at him for not getting to tell him himself? Maybe Felix didn’t tell him, but in some ways, a part of him did. So maybe Chan was right, and Felix isn’t really mad at Hyunjin, he’s just scared and disappointed.

But it was just a dream. It may be a dream scene he often visits, but that doesn’t take away from the warped reality of it. His mind conjures up images of Chan, Minho, Jeongin and Yongbok, and he makes up scenarios to make himself feel better. This time his brain came up with something that could make everything okay if it was true.

Everyone dreams of things that happen in their lives, so as much as he wants to believe Chan’s words, he knows that it’s not true. It is no different than dreaming about people that exist outside of his head. It feels real while he’s dreaming, but once he wakes, he sees the dreams for what they are, nothing but wishful thinking.

But then he remembers the end of the dream, Minho’s pain and apologies, the broken look in his eyes. He remembers why he woke up screaming, and scrambles to sit back up. He holds his arms out in front of him, but he already knew what he would find.

“Not again,” Felix mumbles to himself, repeating it over and over like a prayer. Begging doesn’t remove the bandages on his wrists, or the ache deep in his skin underneath them. He closes his eyes to get away from the view, but all he sees is red dripping onto beautiful flowers.

There is a sliver of doubt, or maybe it’s hope, tugging at him. How could he dream of Minho apologizing if he didn’t know what Minho had done yet? He could try to blame it on a pattern of behaviour, or the subconscious knowing more than him, but what if it really was Minho talking to him in the dream?

Before he can get too hopeful, faded memories come back to him, of being on the roof and realizing what had happened, of stumbling inside and only caring about reaching the guides’ room. He hopes no teens were around, that he didn’t traumatize anyone.

He must have dreamt about Minho too because he knew that it had happened. He dreamt about Chan to lessen the pain, and he dreamt of Minho to prepare him for the consequence of said pain. That was all. He lost control again, and Minho hurt him, forcing him to be painfully aware after days of feeling like a figment of his own imagination.

This wasn’t supposed to happen again, Minho isn’t allowed to harm them anymore. Felix doesn’t understand Minho’s pain, how it could be so bad that he would do this. He thought he made himself clear, nothing is ever worth harming them, and he thought everyone agreed.

Minho could’ve talked to someone, asked for help, he didn’t have to do this. It is never a solution; it didn’t fix anything. Jisung still invaded and disrespected their privacy, and Hyunjin still betrayed their trust. Only now, they have to deal with the fallout of this as well. It seems like such an extreme and temporary band aid that does nothing to actually solve the problem. Minho must have known that getting locked into a room, isolated from other people wouldn’t help.

As if delayed by shock or disbelief, the reality of what he woke up to suddenly hits. Fear and sadness crash down over him, feeling so heavy that he has to lie back down. He breaks down crying, curling in on himself as much as his aching wrists will allow. He wonders if it needed stitches, or if it wasn’t that bad this time.

He is locked in a room all alone, with only a hope guide outside, who probably cares more about how long they have to sit there than the sobs coming from the room. If they can even hear him, he certainly can’t hear anything from the other side. The realization makes him sob harder, knowing that no one known how much pain he’s in.

He wonders if anyone knows that he’s here or that anything happened to him. He wants Hyunjin to know, and he wants Hyunjin to come comfort him, hold him close and tell him that it’s going to be okay. But he can’t have that, and that hurts more than he can put into words.

Desperately, he wants dream-Chan to be real. He wants what he said to be true so he can forgive Hyunjin. So he can have Hyunjin back and end the pain that makes him feel like he’s dying.

But it isn’t true; Felix has to accept that he is completely and utterly alone.

Chapter Text

- Week 16 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin wakes up to a blaring alarm telling him that it is morning. It pierces his brain and makes him grunt out Felix’s name, begging him to turn it off. He turns over and grabs his pillow, covering his head with it and pressing it against his ears, but the alarm doesn’t fade.

“Felix-” He drags the name out with annoyance and exhaustion, but there is no responding groan. Pulling the pillow away from his face, he realizes why the alarm isn’t stopping. Felix’s bed is empty, the sheets untouched. He is spared the pain of seeing what he lost this morning, but it is far from a relief.

Stumbling to his feet, Hyunjin crosses the room and reaches for the alarm clock, slamming the button harder than necessary before sitting down on Felix’s bed. He drops his face into his hands and breathes for a moment before he can collect his thoughts. He hates the alarm clock, but it is the only way Felix wakes up in the morning.

The bed is empty now, but the alarm clock clearly didn’t get disabled. Felix has never been awake before Hyunjin before; he is a typical teenager who sleeps deeply and as much as possible. The bed can’t have been slept in.

There is immediately a sharp sting of worry in Hyunjin’s gut. He knows that there are very few explanations for why Felix isn’t in this bed. He lies down on the bed and presses his nose into the sheets, breathing in the safety of him, but his anxiety only worsens, twisting in his gut.

He tried to stay up to wait for Felix’s return last night, but he fell asleep. Even with the breakup, he kept an eye on Felix. How could he not? He knew that Felix didn’t want him to, but he made sure that Felix showed up to class and other activities, and that he got back to their room at night.

When Felix didn’t come to class or meals yesterday, it was even more important for Hyunjin to see his return in the evening. But he fell asleep amidst his heartbroken crying, something he only allows himself to do when he’s alone. And now the bed is empty, and the room feels too big, and Hyunjin never thought he could hate being alone so much.

He shifts slightly and feels something hard press against his neck. Lifting a hand to dig it out, coming up with a white ring that makes tears spring to his eyes. It is the very one he gave Felix, the one that matches the black ring on his own finger. Felix took it off, it really is over, he really lost him. Hyunjin slips the ring onto his own finger, telling himself that he’s keeping it safe.

He can’t let his thoughts run wild, scared of where they’ll go, so he gets up and heads out of the room. He keeps himself busy with unnecessary steps added to his morning routine. He doesn’t allow thoughts about anything but what he’s doing, narrating his morning to himself, and it keeps his mind busy enough to almost forget about the pit in his stomach.

He wonders if this is why Chan does everything thrice, or if there’s a deeper reason for his compulsions. The appeal is clear to him now, keeping busy and focused allows for very little thought about anything else.

By the time breakfast rolls around, Hyunjin has run out of distractions. For possibly the first time, he welcomes the chaos of the dining hall. It is impossible to think with so many teenagers talking over each other.

He gets himself a bowl of cereal and looks for his friends in the crowd only to realize that he lost most of them. Seungmin has once again been Switzerland in all of this, staying neutral in a fight that has nothing to do with him. But Hyunjin didn’t want to sit with him in case it looked like an invitation to Jisung, and now he has lost Felix too.

Felix isn’t in the dining hall, and Hyunjin tries not to drown in the bad feeling that washes over him like a tidal wave. He is certain that Felix would show up for breakfast if he just woke up early. He isn’t the only one that is missing; Jisung isn’t anywhere in sight either, and Hyunjin hates that some of the worry he feels is for him.

Spotting Seungmin sitting alone at their usual table, he heads over to sit with him. He can’t be alone today; he’ll leave if Jisung shows up at their table. Seungmin eyes him quietly, but Hyunjin barely pays it any mind, eyes flitting around the room.

“What are you looking for?” Seungmin grumbles, sounding half-asleep. Hyunjin realizes that he’s still searching the room, waiting for a mop of silver hair to appear. He needs Felix to show up with his wide smile and bright eyes and prove all of his worries wrong. Although that is an unrealistic hope, Felix wouldn’t be happy if he showed up.

“Have you seen Felix?” Hyunjin asks, glancing up at the door just in case. This is usually Felix’s seat, he likes to see the exits, but now that they’re just two, it would feel awkward to sit on the same side of the table. Hyunjin can’t even remember how they used to sit before Jisung’s or Felix’s arrival.

“Not since yesterday morning.” Seungmin shrugs. “Why?” He barely looks up from his breakfast, clearly not anywhere near as worried as Hyunjin is. Hyunjin knows that something is wrong, and he feels at fault.

“He wasn’t in bed this morning.” Hyunjin says. The confession makes it impossible not to think about it anymore. It is suddenly all he can feel, the cold empty bed that made him sick with worry the moment he noticed. His own heartbreak doesn’t matter when he’s worried about Felix’s safety. All week, he has welcomed any distraction he could get, but he would rather be in immeasurable pain that feel this.

“Was he already up?” Seungmin asks. Hyunjin almost rolls his eyes at the stupid question before remembering that no one else sees Felix in the morning. They don’t see how he holds onto sleep like he will never get it again.

“I don’t know.” Hyunjin says, hoping that maybe despite knowing better, Seungmin is right. It wouldn’t be like Felix to get up early and hide in the art room, forgetting about breakfast. But it isn’t entirely impossible. Still, it’s far enough out of the realm of possibility that he doesn’t see a point in checking the art room, or any other activity room for that matter.

“Didn’t he sleep in his own bed last night?” Seungmin guesses, somehow making sense of Hyunjin’s words. And that’s exactly why Hyunjin won’t look for Felix anywhere. He knows where he is. The bed hadn’t been slept in, the smell of him on the sheets was too faint, and there’s only one other place he could’ve slept.

“Didn’t look like it. And he never wakes up early.” Hyunjin doesn’t explain how he knows that Felix didn’t sleep in his bed. While he’s used to being open with Felix about all the aspects of his autism, it might sound weird to others that he could smell that the bed hadn’t been slept in.

“He’s probably in time-out then.” Seungmin says, oblivious to the effect those words have on Hyunjin. He suppresses a shiver and pushes his cereal to the side, appetite gone. He feels like he’ll start crying if he doesn’t change the subject.

“I don’t see Hanie anywhere either.” Hyunjin tries to keep his tone light, but there is a tightness in his voice. He doesn’t want to care about Jisung anymore, but he’s worried about his absence. There is quite literally no limit to what Jisung’s mind could come up with during one of his episodes.

“Don’t you know?” Seungmin raises his brows, like Hyunjin has missed out on something big. He recognizes this look fairly easily because he sees it every day. It always causes a shame of not being perceptive enough to burn under the surface.

“Know what?” Hyunjin prompts when he doesn’t get an explanation. He shifts in his seat, not sure if he’s anxious or coming down with a stomach bug. He doesn’t know how to handle it if something horrible happened to Jisung.

“He’s out, left yesterday.” Seungmin says the last thing Hyunjin expected. He absentmindedly twists the rings around his finger, struggling with wrapping his head around what he’s hearing and needing a few moments before the words sink in.

“What?” Hyunjin asks in shock. He tries to do the math in his head, Jisung has only been here for around six months while most teens stay at least a year. Seungmin is the one who is leaving in a few weeks, almost done with his year.

“Yeah, his parents didn’t think BPH was the ‘right fit’ or whatever.” Seungmin makes quote signs with his fingers while he talks. Hyunjin still struggles to understand, hit with an inexplicable sadness as it starts to sink in that Jisung really is gone.

“I didn’t know he was leaving.” Hyunjin says dumbly, at a loss of words. How can Jisung be gone just like that? And without telling anyone or trying to apologize or make up for what he did when he was manic? He broke the most precious thing in Hyunjin’s life, caused him more pain than he’s ever felt before, and then he just got to leave before the consequences caught up to him.

“No one knew, but apparently it was planned for a few weeks.” Seungmin shrugs again. Hyunjin can’t tell if he doesn’t care or if he doesn’t understand it either. He is suddenly angry, all of the pain of the past week turning into sour, flaming anger. Did Jisung know that he was leaving when he messed everything up? Is that why he had no shame in what he did?

“He messed everything up and then just left? How convenient for him.” Hyunjin says angrily. He never got to tell Jisung how much he hurt Felix. He was waiting for the right time to gather his thoughts and yell at him, and now he’ll never get the chance.

“At least you won’t have to explain why you can’t forgive him.” Seungmin says, always trying to find a silver lining. Hyunjin thinks about it for a moment, but even in his anger, he doesn’t know if it would be fair to hold this over Jisung’s head forever.

“I don’t know that I can’t…” Hyunjin trails off, torn about how to feel. Maybe Jisung was at complete fault and shouldn’t be forgiven, but Hyunjin doesn’t see how he can be held accountable when he wasn’t in his right mind.

“Hyunjin, I know you don’t always understand these things, so let me make this abundantly clear.” Seungmin sighs. “Yes, he has bipolar; yes, he was manic; no, he couldn’t tell right from wrong. But that is just an explanation, not an excuse. He has to face the consequences of his actions same as if he maxed out a credit card in two days. That debt doesn’t just get deleted because he has an explanation.”

“Oh.” Is all Hyunjin is able to say, conflicted by his own emotions. Relief, anger and sadness overlap, but it feels right to not forgive him. He did something unforgivable. Maybe Jisung needs to lose a few people in order to take his treatment seriously. If he even understands what he did wrong, Hyunjin will never know.

“I wish I could’ve told him I don’t forgive him though.” Hyunjin says after a moment. He wants to scream it in Jisung’s face, to watch his eyes widen as he realizes how angry Hyunjin is. This isn’t just about his own hurt of being an unwilling accomplice, but he’s protective of Felix and the immeasurable hurt this caused him. 

“I wish I could’ve throat punched him.” Seungmin mutters and Hyunjin lets out a startled laugh. Seungmin isn’t a violent person, he isn’t even confrontational, preferring to talk things out in a calm manner.

“Have you tried to talk to Felix?” Seungmin brings the conversation back to him. Hyunjin managed to forget for a blissful moment, so preoccupied with Jisung leaving. But the mention of his name brings the pit right back to Hyunjin’s gut, or rather, brings his attention back to it; it never left.

“He told me not to.” Hyunjin says. As painful as it has been to stay away from Felix, he knows that he has to. Felix’s privacy was horribly betrayed, and it won’t help for Hyunjin to not listen to the boundaries he set. He tries his best to watch Felix from a distance, although the sight of him makes Hyunjin’s heart break all over again. The pain feels like he’s trying to breathe without lungs, but he would do anything to see Felix enter the dining hall.

“I don’t think he really meant that.” Seungmin says, but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Felix made his feelings clear, and Hyunjin can’t fix what has been done, but he can respect Felix’s wishes. He’s sure that the pain will get a little easier, eventually.

“He said, and I quote ‘I don’t want an explanation, I don’t want to hear another word from your mouth, you can’t defend yourself.’” Hyunjin remembers the words clearly, they echo in his head all day, along with ‘I wish I had never met you’ and ‘you are the biggest mistake of my life’. They never let him get a moment of rest.

“Yeah, and so does every angry person ever,” Seungmin says flatly. “Have you never said something you didn’t mean when you were angry?” He continues.

“No.” Hyunjin says honestly. He thinks of anger similar to what he’s heard about alcohol, the truth comes out. It gives people the courage to say the things that are otherwise too scary to admit. So when Felix told him to stay away, Hyunjin didn’t even think of questioning it.

“Okay, abundantly clear it is,” Seungmin sighs, repeating his earlier words. “Everyone says that when they’re angry. In the moment he might have felt that way, but that was when emotions were very strong, and he hadn’t had time to process anything. As he calmed down, he probably wanted to talk, but he wasn’t going to make the first move.”

“Why wouldn’t he talk to me if he wanted to?” Hyunjin asks in confusion. It makes more sense to give Felix his space but leave the door open. If Felix changes his mind, he must know that Hyunjin is waiting for him. And Felix is the one who told him to stay away.

“Because in this situation, you were in the wrong. He is hurt, and he is not going to seek out what hurt him, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you to seek him out. He wants you to take initiative and show that you’re not giving up so easily, and that he matters enough to you that you’ll fight for him.” Seungmin’s explanation makes Hyunjin feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.

“Oh god, I messed up so bad.” Hyunjin whines, dropping his face into his hands. “I should’ve just talked to him, at least check if he would let me explain, but I was trying to listen and do what he told me, and now-” He can’t make himself finish the sentence. If he thinks too much about what Felix might have done, he isn’t sure his heart will ever beat normally again.

“Take a breath.” Seungmin reminds him. Hyunjin tries, but when his lungs fill, the knife in his stomach feels bigger than ever. “We would have heard if anything bad happened. He is just in time-out, where he’s safe.” Seungmin accentuates the last word, and Hyunjin tries to hold onto it. Safe, safe, he’s safe, he repeats in his head, but he doesn’t believe it.

“But if I had talked to him-” Hyunjin feels more responsible than ever. He hurt Felix and then he left him alone. He knows what has happened in the past, that an alter has hurt him, and he can’t stop thinking about the jagged scars that already exist on Felix’s wrists. Now Hyunjin might have to live with the knowledge that he caused more to join them. Or worse, but he can’t allow himself to think about that. 

“Don’t do that to yourself. What ifs don’t help. And it is not your fault that he is very sick. At least a part of him is.” Seungmin tries to reassure him, but Hyunjin feels like he is going to throw up. However, he is once again distracted for a moment when he realizes that Seungmin knows.

“Hanie told you?” Hyunjin asks in horror. He wonders how many people Jisung told. If he went around BPH and bragged about what he knew, Hyunjin will hunt him down the moment he’s out of here.

“Do you see where the urge to throat punch him comes from now?” Seungmin says. “He wasn’t manic anymore, so he only told me. He wanted me to be on his side, but of course I wasn’t. I couldn’t stay neutral this time; it was so clear that he was wrong.” Seungmin says. Hyunjin has been too busy brooding alone to notice that Seungmin and Jisung didn’t sit together anymore.

“Really, Hyunjin, Felix will be fine. And he needs you not to fall apart while he’s gone.” Seungmin’s arm stretches across the table before he remembers that touching Hyunjin won’t help. Hyunjin wishes that touch was comforting, he can imagine how much easier this moment would be if a simple hand covering his own was calming.

“I can’t relax until I know that he’s okay.” Hyunjin says. He doesn’t know how he’s going to get through the next minute, let alone hours or even days. It feels impossible, but time is stubborn and won’t stop moving.

“I know, and I’m not asking you to relax. Just take care of yourself, okay? He’s safe where he is.” Seungmin keeps saying that word, safe, like it will fix everything.

“But is safety enough if he is all alone? If he thinks I’m not fighting for him? If one of the alters want to hurt him because of this?” Hyunjin doesn’t know how he’ll ever forgive himself for this. Felix certainly shouldn’t.

“He’ll be back when he’s ready, and you can’t be there for him if you fall apart in the meantime.” Seungmin’s words are far from comforting, but Hyunjin can tell that he is running out of things to say, so he doesn’t protest. He lets out a long sigh and reaches for his abandoned cereal. It is soggy by now, and he gags on the bite he takes before deciding that he needs to go be alone.

Without a word, he gets up to put away his dishes and heads upstairs to the art room. He doesn’t expect Felix to be inside, but he’s still disappointed when it’s empty.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin feels like he’s falling apart when Felix still doesn’t show up for group therapy. He wasn’t at lunch or school, and while Hyunjin didn’t expect him to be, he still hoped. It feels like it’s been too long. No one has seen Felix since yesterday morning, way over twenty-four hours ago, he shouldn’t still be in time-out unless he’s actively a danger to himself.

His spiralling thoughts keep him from hearing anything that is said in group. He doesn’t even know what the topic of today’s session is. Nothing else matters when his entire day is thrown off balance by Felix’s absence.

It feels selfish to struggle with the changes to his routine. Every part of Hyunjin’s day is normally so entangled with Felix and he held onto that even when it caused his chest to feel torn open and hollow. Now Felix isn’t in his day at all, and he doesn’t know how to function without him.

Everything feels wrong. Despite doing the same things he always does; a very important detail is missing. Coupled with the worry he’s drowning in and the knife in his chest every time he catches a glimpse of the rings on his finger; he doesn’t know how he hasn’t broken down yet.

Perhaps it’s survival instinct, a combination of adrenaline and stubbornness keeping him going much longer than he should. Or it is the knowledge that Felix could be back at any moment, and Hyunjin needs to be okay if Felix needs him.

The crowded dining hall isn’t as inviting as it was this morning, but Hyunjin gets his tray of dinner and sits with Seungmin at their usual table. He keeps glancing over like Felix will appear at his side, in his usual seat, but of course he doesn’t.

Seungmin doesn’t try to talk much, giving up after a few weak attempts of small talk. Jisung was always the talker of the group, the only one who could get Hyunjin out of his head. Without his help, Seungmin doesn’t stand a chance.

It is only when they’re walking out of the dining hall that Hyunjin knows he has to say something. He dreads going back to his empty room, it sits like a heavy weight in his chest, causing panic to pull him away from the exit. He can’t imagine anything worse than seeing Felix’s empty bed and being reminded that he hasn’t been there all day.

“Wait-” Hyunjin gasps, an urgency deep in his chest. Seungmin stops in the middle of the hallway to look back at him, his surprise clear even to Hyunjin. “I can’t go back there.” The thought is painful, every part of his body is screaming not to be alone. He wonders if this is how Felix felt, and Hyunjin feels horrible for leaving him to deal with it on his own.

“To your room?” Seungmin asks, tilting his head with some emotion Hyunjin has no chance of understanding. He would have seen it in Felix, that’s how well he knows him by now, but he is still clueless with Seungmin.

“It’s so big and empty without him.” Hyunjin says, struggling to believe his own words. He never thought he would hate being alone, but he can’t imagine anything worse anymore. Seeing Felix hurts like a fresh heartbreak, like Felix screamed those words mere seconds ago, but Hyunjin wishes for it because it would mean that Felix is safe.

“I don’t know what you want me to do about that.” Seungmin says. Hyunjin tries to hide his disappointment, but he knows that there is nothing Seungmin can do. The rules keep them from going to each other’s building.

“Let me come with you.” Hyunjin speaks purely out of desperation. He already knows the answer, but he can’t go back to his own empty room. The walls will close in on him, swallow him whole with all of their space, all the empty air that should be filled with another person.

“You know you can’t do that.” Seungmin suddenly looks sad. There’s something heavy in his voice and the sympathy radiating off of him makes Hyunjin feel like a child.

“They might make an exception. We’ll ask Changbin hyung, and he’ll know that- he’ll understand.” Hyunjin’s embarrassment at being seen like this doesn’t stop him from pleading. Changbin has desperately tried to help him work through this, but Hyunjin rejects every attempt; he doesn’t deserve relief.

This desperation he feels now is so similar to before he came to BPH, when he panicked before school most days. He would walk right up to the gates before dread overcame him and nothing in the world could make him enter the building. His mother always had to take him back home on those days.

“Even Changbin hyung can’t bend the rules like that.” Seungmin says exactly what Hyunjin already knew, but it makes emotion tighten in his throat. He’d rather sleep in the art room, dining hall, in the damn street than be alone in their room.

“But I can’t go back alone.” Hyunjin says to no one in particular. He’s aware that there are still other teens around them, hanging back in the hall to talk before they have to return to their rooms for the night, but he can’t stop begging like a child.

Seungmin sighs and takes a step closer. “Listen, Hyunjin, Felix is going to be okay. We would have heard by now if anything happened. They’re just keeping him safe, and it may not even be necessary. You know how they’d rather be safe than sorry with these things.” His voice is gentle, but it doesn’t have any more effect than it did all day.

“But what if they have a reason?” Hyunjin counters. “What if we just don’t know because of confidentiality? They can’t legally tell us if he’s hurt.” Seungmin just sighs, they both know that he can’t say anything to that. If something happened to Felix, BPH could only tell his parents. The only exception would be if Felix was d- if the worst happened.

Hyunjin sighs in defeat, starting to walk again and fighting every instinct in his body that tells him not to move. The two of them head out of the building and into the cold. Snow crunch under their feet as they walk in silence.

“What if it’s empty?” Hyunjin asks when they reach the point they would normally split up. He still can’t think of anything worse than being alone with his thoughts, although a voice in his head tells him he’s not going to be in danger like Felix probably was. How could Hyunjin do nothing while he suffered? How could he not do anything about it?

“Then you’ll get ready for bed and try to relax. I’m sure you’re exhausted.” Seungmin says, but he must see how close Hyunjin is to getting on his knees and begging. “I might be able to walk you to your room.” Seungmin offers. It is a small comfort, but at least Hyunjin won’t be alone yet.

Seungmin doesn’t wait for a reply before he keeps walking, toward Hyunjin’s building rather than his own. When the heat of the building envelopes them, Hyunjin is acutely aware that Seungmin shouldn’t be here. But as long as they’re not alone in a room, exceptions can be made.

Seungmin walks ahead of him and pops his head into the guides’ room, easily spotting Changbin. “I’m just here to follow Hyunjin back to his room.” He says lightly. Hopefully it sounds as innocent as it is. It is ironic though, that Seungmin can’t come into his room because ‘girls’, not that he groups Seungmin in with them, and ‘boys’ aren’t allowed to be in the same building, but Hyunjin was roommates with his boyfriend.

“If you’re not back in ten minutes, I’ll come get you.” Changbin allows. It is generous, and Hyunjin holds back a laugh, knowing how much can happen in ten minutes.

His mood is only lifted momentarily though, then the realization that he’s so close to his room sets in. They mount the stairs together, Hyunjin dragging his feet and cursing that his room is the closest to the stairs.

“Will you be okay?” Seungmin asks, clearly having no intention of actually coming inside. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to leave if he saw how small and pathetic Hyunjin looked in the empty room.

Hyunjin only nods, knowing that nothing he says would be believable. Seungmin nods, looks at him for another long moment and then heads back down the stairs. Hyunjin stares after him, hearing his voice from downstairs as he says goodbye to Changbin.

Facing the door, Hyunjin is acutely aware that he will look like an idiot if anyone sees him too scared to enter his own room. So before he can lock back up with anxiety, he opens the door and slips inside, flicking on the light switch beside the door.

As the room floods with light, he realizes that it isn’t empty. There’s a lump on Felix’s bed, tangled up under the blankets and facing the wall. The relief that floods Hyunjin’s system is so intense that he leans back against the door so he won’t lose his balance.

The fresh pain of seeing him is welcome because Felix is alive.

He looks asleep, unmoving but breathing heavily. Flicking the light back off, Hyunjin tiptoes over to his own bed and turns on the small light instead. Then he sits on the bed and watches Felix for too long, scared that he will disappear. It is only now that he knows that the worst didn’t happen that he allows himself to admit how much he feared he’d lost him.

Felix never showed any warning signs of not wanting to be alive anymore, but Hyunjin remembers what he said when Hyunjin saw his scars for the first time. That he didn’t do it, but it was bad enough that he was told he attempted to take his own life. If whoever it was tried again and succeeded; it wouldn’t matter if Chan, Minho or Jeongin did it. Felix would still be gone too.

Hyunjin must be so quiet while watching him that Felix thinks he went to sleep, because the steady breaths turn trembling, accompanied by shaking shoulders and heartbreaking whimpers. Hyunjin almost starts crying too, he’s done it more than enough recently, but he never ran out of tears.

Hyunjin’s heart breaks for him, feeling worse than ever about all of his mistakes. He should’ve been there for Felix in the last few days. Even if Felix hated him for it, he should have been available, and he should have fought for him. He should have talked to him no matter how much it hurt.

Now he doesn’t know if he has messed up too much to help. He has caused so much hurt, surely, he can’t comfort Felix like he used to. But seeing him cry makes Hyunjin forget all about his self-loathing. He won’t run away and hide this time, he will try to help, and if Felix yells at him, at least he tried.

Carefully getting up, he walks over to Felix’s bed, crouching down and laying a careful hand on his trembling shoulder. Felix gasps, sitting upright and grabbing Hyunjin’s wrist faster than Hyunjin can process. His eyes are wide and teary, glistening in the low light, and there is pure terror on his face.

“It’s just me.” Hyunjin says as calmly as he can, despite his own heart racing in his chest. He didn’t mean to scare Felix, forgetting or a moment how jumpy he can be. Felix’s eyes flicker all over his face, like he’s trying to decide whether he can relax.

“Hyunjin.” Felix sighs, the tension in the room melting away. His voice is light and innocent, slightly slurred like a young child who is still figuring out how to talk. It makes Hyunjin look closer, seeing the way he is curled in on himself like he’s trying to make himself small, and that’s when he notices the white wrapped around his wrists.

“Oh, Felix.” Hyunjin is heartbroken, seeing the tightly wrapped bandages. His worst fears are materializing right before his eyes, but he understands better than ever that Felix didn’t do it.

As much as he wants to break down with guilt and shame, he has to put aside his own emotions in this moment. Felix still looks terrified, eyes wide and sucking on his bottom lip. When he sees where Hyunjin is looking, his breath hitches and then his face crumbles with a heart-wrenching sob.

Hyunjin carefully moves to sit at the edge of the bed, watching out for any sign that Felix doesn’t want him to. But the moment he’s sitting down, he has a lap full of Felix, the younger wrapped tightly around him and crying into his shoulder. Hyunjin wraps his arms around his back, rocking them back and forth in what he hopes is a comforting manner.

There is something so familiar about the way he cries, and the energy surrounding him. It takes a moment for Hyunjin to place it, but it is the same childlike energy he feels after Felix’s nightmares. It comes out at other times too, but it is easy to place it with nightmares because it is such a distinct pattern.

He remembers years ago, learning about the different alters in a DID system and reading that most have child alters. The boy in his arms isn’t Felix at all, he’s just a child, scared and seeking Hyunjin’s comfort. That realization makes him hold on a little tighter, rocking and shushing him almost like a mother would.

“It’s okay, you’re safe.” Hyunjin mumbles over and over. He is surprised by his own parental instincts, having no clue that they were ever there. But he somehow knows exactly what to do now. It appears that he is doing the right thing, because it only takes a few minutes before the room quiets, sobs calming down into trembling breaths and hiccups.

Hyunjin pulls back enough to see his face, smiling gently and reaching up to brush the hair out of his eyes. The wet eyes looking back at him are so similar to a young child, Hyunjin feels stupid for not putting it together sooner.

“There you go, you’re okay.” Hyunjin reassures again. “What is your name?” He asks, not knowing what to call him.

“Yongbok.” His voice is so much like hearing a child speak that Hyunjin forgets that he still looks like Felix. He used to imagine that it would be awkward to speak to a child in an older body, like they’re all just playing pretend, but he knows how real Yongbok is. This is a child who never got to grow up because something horrible happened to him.

“You look sleepy, Yongbok.” Hyunjin smiles, seeing his eyes drooping now that he’s stopped crying. Yongbok sniffles and tiredly rubs his eyes with balled-up fists, and Hyunjin almost coos at how adorable it is. It is strange how all of the romantic feelings he has for Felix are non-existent in this moment.

“Hold me?” Yongbok asks quietly, his wide eyes looking directly into Hyunjin’s. It would be impossible to refuse him, so Hyunjin doesn’t even try. He manoeuvres them on the bed until they’re laying down, holding Yongbok tightly against his chest. It is surprising that he’s so comfortable with it, his aversion to closeness usually comes back with any other alter than Felix, but this feels different.

Hyunjin never liked kids, but he never cared about them either. He never has siblings or cousins that he had a bond to. Yongbok is the first child he has felt protective over, the first one he has wanted to go out of his way to help. He knows that this instinct is nothing new, he has felt it every time Yongbok has fronted, but he didn’t realize what it was.

“Go to sleep.” Hyunjin whispers into the dark, feeling his own eyelids grow heavy as the tension seeps out of his body. He doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, but right now he feels like everything is okay.

“Don’t sleep first.” Yongbok mumbles, fighting to keep his eyes open. Hyunjin fails to suppress a smile. He remembers saying the same things to his mother when he was younger. It felt much safer to know that she was watching over him while he fell asleep.

“I won’t. I will stay awake until I’m sure you’re asleep.” Hyunjin reassures him, and Yongbok finally allows his eyes to close. Hyunjin watches sleep take him, and stays awake longer than necessary just to be sure that he keeps his promise.

Chapter Text

- Week 17 -

- {   Felix   } -

Felix wakes up in Hyunjin’s arms, curled up against his chest. He is immediately wide awake, tense and holding his breath. The warmth of Hyunjin’s skin is so inviting that he wants to bury himself in it and go back to sleep. He wants to forget about everything that has happened, but before he can even finish the thought, hurt takes over.

He doesn’t know why Hyunjin is in his bed or how long he’s been here, and he can’t decide if he likes it. Clearly, he sought Hyunjin’s comfort in his sleep, and he would lie if he said that it didn’t feel good, but it hurts that this is the first time Hyunjin has been close enough to touch.

It makes him wonder if Hyunjin is only avoiding Felix. But what the hell did Felix do to deserve that? He is the hurt one, he should be the one avoiding Hyunjin. Suddenly unable to stand the touch, he scoots back as far as he can, pressing himself into the wall to put some distance between their bodies.

Only seconds after they separate, Hyunjin gasps awake. Felix quickly closes his eyes and pretends to sleep, forcing his breaths to lengthen and deepen despite his racing heart. He hears Hyunjin sit up and move out of bed painfully slowly, probably trying not to wake Felix up.

When he thinks that it’s safe, Felix opens his eyes to watch Hyunjin’s back move away. A part of him wants to scream at him not to leave, but he can’t make himself talk. Hyunjin is halfway across the floor when he glances over his shoulder and catches Felix looking. He startles, whirring around with wide eyes.

“Jesus, you scared me.” Hyunjin gasps, laying a hand on his chest. It would be adorable if Felix wasn’t so hurt. It would be so easy to pretend that everything is okay, to fall back into the rhythm with Hyunjin, but he can’t allow himself to forgive so easily.

“You’re the one sneaking out of my bed.” Felix says flatly, letting annoyance bleed into his voice. Hyunjin looks at his own bed and back to Felix, like he’s confused by this predicament too.

“I uh- I was…” Hyunjin can’t seem to come up with an explanation. He keeps looking nervously between their beds, his mouth opening and closing silently.

“Don’t strain yourself.” Felix says shortly, figuring that there must be a reason. Clearly, someone let him into the bed, ignoring what Felix wanted, but he can’t understand who would do that. He thought they were all mad at Hyunjin.

“I wanted to talk to you.” Hyunjin says. He is clearly uncomfortable, shifting on his feet and wringing his hands together. Is that why he was in Felix’s bed? Or is he just using the awkward situation as an ice breaker?

“Now you want to talk?” Felix says while sitting up, feeling too vulnerable while laying down. He can’t come up with a softer response. He can feel Minho’s anger, sitting just below the surface, and he can hear Chan’s comforting words in his head, telling him to let Hyunjin explain himself. They’re like the angel and devil on his shoulders, trying to influence him to do what they want. He feels out of control when they’re blended like this, never knowing what he’ll do or say.

“I know that I’ve done everything wrong.” Hyunjin admits, looking pointedly at his hands. It feels like such a blanket statement, like he read it online and thought it would be enough of an apology to cover everything with as few words as possible.

“You think?” Felix snaps. He doesn’t like being so harsh, but the emotions are too strong to stop himself. He is hurt and disappointed, and he feels robbed and betrayed. All of it isn’t directed at Hyunjin, so much of it is for Jisung, but Hyunjin is the only one left, so he’s getting it all.

“No, I know.” Hyunjin misunderstands, taking Felix’s words literally. “I know that I hurt you and I hate to think that I made you think that I gave up on you just like that.” His face is so contorted with emotion that it looks painful. Felix wants to reach out to smooth out the crease between his brows, but he doesn’t move.

“But you still did.” Felix says, seeing Hyunjin flinch at the words. This is not a conversation to have first thing in the morning, but Felix fears that Hyunjin will disappear again if they don’t do this now.

“I should have told you the truth that morning. Right when it happened, I should have told you. No matter how hard it was for me, you deserved the truth, and it was so wrong for me to avoid you because I didn’t want to have the conversation.” Hyunjin says, his sad eyes landing somewhere on Felix’s chest.

“And you lied about it.” Felix points out. Hyunjin was actively avoiding him while insisting that he wasn’t, and it made Felix feel paranoid. He wondered if he was making it up, not seeing reality clearly, but he was right all along.

“Yeah, and that was horrible of me. I wish I could go back and tell you right away, or at least not completely lie. I should have said that something was up even if I didn’t know how to explain yet. I was just so scared of losing you and I think it prevented me from seeing things clearly. But it is so clear now that waiting to tell you only hurt you more.

“And then I finally told you and you got so mad, I thought I lost you. But I should have tried to apologize after you’d had time to calm down. I should have begged you to let me explain, but I didn’t even try.” Hyunjin talks with surprising ease, finding words much easier than usual. Felix wonders if it’s because he’s had this conversation in his head numerous times already.

“Why didn’t you?” Felix asks, needing to understand. He can feel how bad Hyunjin feels, but none of that matters if Hyunjin can’t give a good reason for his behaviour.

“I…” Hyunjin falters, looking down at his restless hands. Felix notices that he’s wearing both their rings, the white and black one, but Felix hadn’t even noticed that he wasn’t wearing the white one anymore. He immediately misses it; it belongs on his own finger.

“I thought I was listening to you. What you said when you were mad, I took it literally and I didn’t want to invade you again by not listening.” Hyunjin explains. There’s something about that word, invade, it explains how Felix feels. He felt invaded when Jisung read his file, and when Hyunjin found out before he was ready.

Felix heaves a sigh, silently tapping the bed, inviting Hyunjin to come back so they can talk more comfortably. Hyunjin hesitates, slowly sitting on the edge of the bed, barely taking up any space as if he’s prepared for Felix to tell him to leave again.

“I was mad. Really, really mad, but I didn’t tell you to stay away.” Felix says, hoping that Hyunjin understands what he’s saying. No matter how hurt he is, he will never yell at Hyunjin and say such horrible things. He didn’t mean to be snappy today either, but he’s all Felix now, without influences from anyone else.

“I know that now. I didn’t realize that normal people say things they don’t mean when they’re angry. So I thought you meant everything you said.” Hyunjin admits quietly. Now Felix is the one who feels bad. Minho took over when Hyunjin told him what happened, but Felix was still aware of what was happening.

“No, Hyunie. I didn’t say any of that. I was-” Felix hesitates for a moment, heart racing at the thought of talking about this so openly for the first time. “I wasn’t in control, but I was there, in the background. I heard what he- what Minho hyung said to you, and I couldn’t stop him.” He attempts to explain, but he doesn’t fully understand it himself either.

He didn’t want or need Minho to protect him, and he hated that he wasn’t in control of what was said. He tried so hard to put himself in the front and push Minho away, but he can’t control it. It isn’t up to him; it isn’t up to anyone. Switches just happen when there are triggers, and sometimes they blend or co-front, and none of them can force it or stop it.

“You shouldn’t have stopped him.” Hyunjin says. Felix opens his mouth to reply, not liking how self-deprecating he is, but Hyunjin talks over him. “No, don’t. This isn’t about that. I am the one apologizing because I treated you unfairly and I handled all of this in the worst way possible.” Felix appreciates that Hyunjin won’t let the subject change. It is clear that talking through this is important to him.

Felix is reminded by the dream he had of Chan, the memory popping into his mind like someone put it there. He still wonders if there was any truth to it. He has decided that it was just a dream countless times, but he can’t let it go. If Jeongin told Hyunjin first, the most complicated part of the problem would cease to exist.

“Can I ask you something?” Felix is suddenly nervous. He isn’t sure how he will feel if the dreams are real. He knows that he visits the same apartment nearly every night, and that he often meets the other alters there, but it could just be dreams. Everyone dreams about their friends and family.

“Of course, anything.” Hyunjin quickly agrees, nodding. Felix hesitates, searching for a way to ask. He isn’t used to talking about his DID with anyone but Doctor Yoon, and Hyunjin it isn’t any easier just because he knows. It is hard to go from doing everything in his power to keep it a secret to talking openly about it.

“Did you find out about- about DID when Hanie…? Or did you already…?” Felix stumbles over his words, hoping that his question is clear regardless.

“I knew before.” Hyunjin admits. Felix’s heart picks up speed in his chest, realizing that at least part of the dream was true. Would it be such a stretch to think that he really talks to the others in his dreams? When the body falls asleep, they could all have the same dream. But that would mean that every dream with them was real, and that is overwhelming.

“But I didn’t tell you.” Felix points out. He very specifically told Hyunjin that he needed a little more time to be ready. So how did Hyunjin find out? Hyunjin smiles slightly, remembering something.

“A few weeks ago, Hanie startled you when we were in the music room, and your energy shifted. You felt so different, I just knew it wasn’t you. I tried not to make it obvious that I knew, wanting to let you tell me yourself, but the things he said…” Hyunjin trails off, chuckling weakly like there’s something funny.

“What did he say?” Felix prompts, curious about what could make Hyunjin laugh right now. Hyunjin looks him in the eye for the first time this morning, chuckling again.

“I called him ‘Lix’, and he told me not to call him that.” Hyunjin smiles. “I don’t think he meant for me to hear, but…” His ears are sensitive, of course he would hear.

“Of course he did.” Felix sighs, having a feeling who this is about. His palms grow sweaty with nerves, and he moves around restlessly, not sure whether he wants the dreams to be real.

“I told him the same thing I told you that day, that I thought I knew what was going on. Then I told him that he was so different than you, and I asked him if he was you, since he didn’t want to be called by your name.” Hyunjin explains. Felix would have liked to see that, he can imagine how nervous Hyunjin was, how much he struggled to put together the right words.

“And he told you.” Felix assumes, impatient to get to the point. But Hyunjin shakes his head.

“Not right away, but he asked if it mattered, so he kind of confirmed it. I told him that it didn’t matter, but I wanted to know who I was talking to, but only if he felt comfortable with telling me.” Hyunjin says. Felix loves how sweet he is, so respectful and gentle. “He told me his name was Jeongin.”

“Innie told you first?” Felix isn’t sure why he’s so surprised. He expected it to be Jeongin, it sounded like him, and Chan told him. He had a feeling that the dreams were real, but it didn’t sound real. However, this is too big of a coincidence to not be proof. It is too perfect. A dorm with one room for each alter, always about real things that are happening to them, and they are the only dreams he can’t control.

This must be what he’s heard people describe as an ‘inner world’. He always thought it was much more complicated than this. Like anytime he doesn’t front, he would be in the inner world, living a life that is as real as this one. That isn’t how it is at all though, at least for him.

“He didn’t say ‘DID’, but yeah.” Hyunjin brings his attention back to the conversation. Felix is flooded with relief, Hyunjin didn’t find out from Jisung.

“Why didn’t you tell me that day?” Felix asks in confusion. He doesn’t understand why Hyunjin wouldn’t be honest about it. He could have told Felix that he met Jeongin. It would have been overwhelming, but maybe it would be a little relieving that he didn’t have to be the first to say something.

“Jeongin said that you would be mad that he told me first, so I pretended that he didn’t to give you the chance. And to protect him, I guess. I see how hurt he is, and I didn’t want you to be mad at him.” Hyunjin shrugs, like he has no idea how much it means to Felix that he cares so much. He seems to care as much about Jeongin’s feelings as Felix’s, and that is more than Felix ever expected from anyone.

“That’s why you asked me so directly.” Felix realizes. He didn’t feel pressured when Hyunjin said he thought he knew, but he wondered what changed that made Hyunjin so direct.

“I had just had the same conversation with Jeongin. And I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell you what he said, but you said you weren’t ready for me to know yet.” Hyunjin smiles shyly. He lied to protect Jeongin, and to respect Felix’s feelings.

“And you were so okay with waiting because you knew.” Felix says. Hyunjin frowns, shaking his head and moving a little closer.

“I was okay with waiting because I care about you. I would be just as okay with waiting if Jeongin hadn’t told me.” Hyunjin corrects. “And then Hanie messed everything up before you were ready, and I handled it so incredibly wrong.” The pain is back on his face, pulling his features into something almost unrecognizable.

“But you already knew when he found out.” Felix says, feeling a smile tug at his lips. Hyunjin didn’t find out in some horrible way, that is all Felix cared about in this moment. Maybe Felix wasn’t ready to tell him yet, but Jeongin was, and he had just as much right to do so. Felix can’t be mad at him for being the first to open up.

“Yeah, but I still feel horrible. I hadn’t heard anyone say the diagnosis, so I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, but then Hanie confirmed it, and I wanted to rip the words out of my brain and travel back in time to stop him. I won’t pretend that I acted out of anything but my own fear. I was selfish, I didn’t want to lose you yet, and I only ended up hurting you more.” Hyunjin says, showing again that he isn’t straying from his apology.

Felix doesn’t know what to say. His mind is all over the place, shifting and changing to adjust to all of this new information. He doesn’t want to say that it’s okay when he isn’t sure that it is. And he doesn’t want to say that it isn’t okay when he feels so much better. He needs a moment to place his emotions, to figure out how he feels and what else he needs to know.

“I think I need some time to think.” Felix says, hoping Hyunjin doesn’t take it as a rejection. “This is just a lot to take in.” He quickly adds when Hyunjin’s face falls. Hyunjin schools his face into something closer to understanding, but he still looks anxious.

“Of course, take all the time you need.” Hyunjin says. It means a lot that he chooses to be so understanding despite likely being a nervous wreck. “It’s breakfast time anyway.” He adds with a shrug that doesn’t manage to be casual.

They both get out of bed and quickly throw on a warmer layer of clothes before heading to the dining hall. Breakfast lasts longer during the weekend, and they arrive just when it opens, so the room is empty. That gives them more space to talk.

Felix grabs a bowl, filling it with his favourite cereal and almond milk before grabbing an apple juice. Hyunjin gets something similar, moving stiffly with tension. They look at each other for a moment and Hyunjin’s cheeks flush red.

“I’ll give you some space.” Hyunjin says, turning to find a table. Felix rolls his eyes, almost laughing at the idea of them sitting at separate tables in an empty dining hall.

“Don’t be silly.” Felix chuckles, balancing his tray on one hand to grab Hyunjin’s arm and pull him along to their usual table. He sits in his usual spot where he can see the exits. He didn’t even realize how desperately he clung to safety until he didn’t have Hyunjin anymore. He realized that he always makes sure that he can see an escape route.

The last few weeks have showed him how much he relied on Hyunjin to feel safe, and while some of that is okay, he needs to find ways to make himself feel safe. He shouldn’t have to squeeze himself into a corner where no one can come up behind him just because Hyunjin isn’t by his side.

However, he is desperate to have Hyunjin back at his side. He wants Hyunjin’s apology to be enough, but he needs to know more first. He needs to know what happened that night, and he needs to understand why Hyunjin handled the aftermath so poorly. It isn’t enough that Hyunjin knows that he was wrong.

“Tell me again? What happened that night. And don’t leave anything out.” Felix says, and Hyunjin stops mid-chew. He has almost finished his breakfast while Felix was lost in thought. He didn’t realize he spaced out for that long.

Hyunjin swallows and takes a sip of his drink, looking focused like he’s gathering his thoughts. “Hanie woke me up in the middle of the night, asking me to come with him. I didn’t want him to wake you up, so I came with him. He just wanted to sneak out, it was nothing I hadn’t done before.

“We were already in the back stairs when he said where he wanted to go, Doctor Kang’s office. I knew that it was a horrible idea, and I wanted to drag him back and take him to the night guide. I knew he was manic the moment he woke me up, but I didn’t realize that he was on a quest until that moment.

“He said that he thought everyone was lying about his diagnosis, that they said he was bipolar to cover up something worse. He wanted to check his file, and after some convincing, I thought that maybe if he saw that it said bipolar, he would calm down. In hindsight-”

“Hindsight doesn’t matter. Tell me what happened.” Felix cuts him off. He needs the facts, the things that happened and what Hyunjin was thinking. Hyunjin nods thoughtfully, then he starts talking again, the words rushing out of him like he has rehearsed this story.

“I hated sneaking into the therapy building. I had a horrible feeling about the whole thing, and there were so many moments I thought about turning around, but I thought I was helping. I think I said something about going back when we got inside, but he convinced me to keep going. I knew that he would try with or without me, so I told myself that I was keeping him safe.

“At first the code didn’t work on Doctor Kang’s door, and I was so relieved, but he figured it out. I didn’t follow him inside because I was terrified. I kept looking down the hallway, expecting someone to catch us. I think that’s why I didn’t realize what he was looking for. He asked for your Korean name, and I should have known right then, but it took a moment to register.

“When it did, I rushed inside and ripped your file out of his hands before he could read it. I think I yelled at him, but I was so anxious, I don’t remember when the yelling happened. I put the files back, because he had looked at his own too, and dragged him out of the room.” Hyunjin suddenly halts, and Felix knows that the worst part of the story is coming.

“He said that he needed to double check something, and I stupidly thought he was checking his own file again.” Hyunjin’s voice is full of regret. “I was too slow that time. I didn’t put it together or react until he had already read it. I definitely yelled at him that time, told him that he had no right to know and that he just hurt you in the worst way. I didn’t even care about me, all I could think about was how it would hurt you.

“I put your file back and dragged him back to our building and practically threw him in the guide’s face. I couldn’t stand seeing him for another second or hearing another of his excuses.” Hyunjin spits out the last words like they’re venom. It is clear how he felt about what happened, from the moment he realized what Jisung was doing.

“I know this is not an excuse, but I just want you to know my state of mind that night. I was really overstimulated when we went to bed, and I still felt horrible when he woke me up. And I was so tired too, I guess that’s why my head was so slow, and I didn’t realize what was happening fast enough- why are you smiling?” Hyunjin looks at him with surprise, and Felix only smiles wider.

“Because you didn’t do anything wrong that night.” Felix says. He wants to blame Hyunjin, to stay mad at him, but he can’t. “All I hear is that you tried to support and protect your friend, and when you realized his true intentions, you did all you could to protect me.” It is heartwarming to hear how Hyunjin reacted, that he made it clear to Jisung how horrible what he did was. Felix would be blind to not see what Hyunjin’s intentions were.

“But there were so many times I could have stopped him or said no, and I could have gone back inside with him the second time or given up when the first code didn’t work or-” Hyunjin pauses to gasp in a short breath before continuing. “I could have done the right thing in the first place and taken him straight to the night guide, or I could have taken him to the dining hall or something, he probably wouldn’t have cared-”

“Hyunjin, breathe.” Felix reminds him, pressing a finger between his brows and watching him relax slightly with a deep breath. “You couldn’t have known what his plan was. I don’t blame you for not seeing that he lied.”

“If I could go back, I would do things so differently. I hope you know that I would never have gone with him if I knew what he was planning.” Hyunjin’s eyes are wide, looking right into Felix’s in a way that threatens to melt his insides. Felix reaches for Hyunjin’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

“I know.” Felix says truthfully. He feels a lot better knowing what happened. The first time Hyunjin told him the story, he was too hazy to remember much, and this is so far from the worst-case scenarios his brain has come up with.

“I have given you no reason to believe that.” Hyunjin protests, and that is exactly how Felix knows how genuine his apology is. He doesn’t want to get off easy, he doesn’t let the subject stray too far, and he won’t be done talking about this until all of Felix’s questions are answered.

“Yes, you have. You were so patient with me from the moment we met, I know you wouldn’t go looking for answers.” Felix explains. He is confident that he knows what kind of a person Hyunjin is, and none of Hyunjin’s story disproves that. “And you have never been able to look me in the eye while lying.” He adds, seeing a light blush rise on Hyunjin’s cheeks.

Just then, a group of girls enter the room, talking too loudly for a Saturday morning. Hyunjin flinches, drawing his hand back and leaving Felix’s feeling cold. He won’t make Hyunjin continue this conversation here, and he isn’t very interested in being overheard either.

“Want to go somewhere else to talk?” Felix asks, they’re done eating anyway. Hyunjin nods gratefully and they quickly put away their dishes before leaving. Felix grabs Hyunjin’s hand and pulls him up the stairs, going to the art room where Hyunjin can relax.

“What I don’t understand is why you avoided me after.” Felix asks once they’re comfortably seated in bean bags in a corner. Seriousness crosses Hyunjin’s face again, regret and guilt swirling behind his eyes.

“I was scared of how you’d look at me and I was certain that I would lose you. Hanie said something about not telling you if it wasn’t good for you, and I made it clear how wrong he was, but I think he got to me anyway. It’s not an excuse, I didn’t even try to tell myself that I was protecting you. I was just so scared of losing you and having you hate me.” Hyunjin’s voice betrays how painful the admission is.

“I never hated you.” Felix whispers, hating that Hyunjin would ever think that. He can understand how Hyunjin felt, and how hard it must have been to admit what happened when he thought it would have horrific consequences. Communication would still have been better, but Felix can’t say that he wouldn’t do the same thing.

“I thought you did. And you should. This wouldn’t have happened if you never met me.” Hyunjin’s words are pained, and they sound too much like words that should never have been said. His eyes suddenly look glassy, and he chews on his bottom lip.

“Is this about what Minho hyung said?” Felix asks, guilt sitting like a pit in his stomach. It doesn’t matter that Felix didn’t say the words, Hyunjin still heard them in his voice and saw them come from his mouth.

“I thought- I thought everything you said was true. I thought you never wanted to hear my voice again, and that you regretted meeting me, that you didn’t want me in your life. I thought I was respecting your boundaries by staying away, and I was heartbroken. It would hurt too much to hear you say something like that again.” Hyunjin’s voice trembles, and Felix’s heart breaks.

Of course Hyunjin didn’t try to talk to him after that. He thought that they broke up, that Felix hated him. He was hurt too. No one deserves to hear the things Minho said to him.

Felix gets up from his bean bag to sit with Hyunjin, draping himself across his lap and holding his face between his hands. Hyunjin still welcomes his touch, that hasn’t changed. “I don’t regret meeting you, Hyunjin, and I want you in my life.” Felix says with all the conviction he can. Hyunjin looks up at him with damp eyes, tears balancing on his waterlines.

“I’m so sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen, and I messed up so badly, you’re hurt because of me.” Hyunjin’s eyes fall to Felix’s wrists, where his sweater covers bandages. This is the one thing Felix won’t let Hyunjin take the blame for.

“This wasn’t because of you.” Felix says, swiping a finger over Hyunjin’s cheek when one of his tears fall. Hyunjin ducks his head and drags in a stuttered breath.

“How could it not be?” Hyunjin mumbles. Felix shudders at the memory of waking up in time-out, how scared he was, how much it hurt, how alone he felt. But he didn’t even blame Minho for what he did, it was no one’s fault.

“Minho hyung told me what happened, and it wasn’t your fault. Something else triggered him.” Felix says, seeing that Hyunjin won’t accept that it’s no one’s fault. He can understand why Hyunjin would blame himself, but it makes as much sense as blaming himself for an alcoholic drinking. It wasn’t Hyunjin’s fault, it wasn’t Felix’s fault, and it wasn’t Jisung’s fault either.

“I don’t believe you.” Hyunjin looks up at him, the guilt behind his eyes is almost unbearable. Felix loves how caring Hyunjin is, but sometimes he takes on more than he should. He can’t always keep everyone safe. No one expects him to.

“Right before it happened, Hanie stopped Minho and told him that we were just a special interest to you, that you never cared, and that you lost interest once you found out. Then he told him that no one would miss him, not even you. Of course, I know that it isn’t true, but that is what made him… It wasn’t your fault.” Felix explains, needing Hyunjin to listen. Minho sat with the hurt Hyunjin caused for days without hurting himself. 

“Maybe that was the last straw, but you can’t say I’m innocent in this.” Hyunjin insists. He can be so stubborn. Felix searches for a way to explain, although he is barely able to understand it himself. He doesn’t know how Minho feels, but he has talked to him about it in a dream. A dream he now knows was real.

“No one can make someone do this,” Felix starts. “A healthy, happy person would not do this no matter what was said or done. Minho has a problem, he is sick, and he punishes himself for what happened to us. There are always going to be triggers, but you have to understand that it isn’t your fault that he has this addiction. You can’t prevent an alcoholic from drinking if they really want to.”

That is how Felix has to think of it. It is an addiction, as real as any other, and that is why Minho hasn’t stopped. He doesn’t know how else to handle difficult emotions. Just as an alcoholic would turn to alcohol when they’re stressed or hurt, Minho turns to this. It will take time for him to learn other coping skills.

“I don’t understand.” Hyunjin says. He has no idea how big of a relief that is.

“Good. I don’t ever want you to know how he feels.” Felix lets his relief show. Only people who have felt that way can truly understand it.

Hyunjin sinks back into the bean bag, closing his eyes like this entire morning has drained him. Felix feels exhaustion sinking in too, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder and closing his eyes. He smiles at how safe it feels, a stark contrast to the hurt and anger he felt when he woke up.

“Do you think we will ever be okay?” Hyunjin whispers, almost like he is scared of Felix hearing the question. Felix takes a moment to really think about it. He wants them to go back to what they were, but he has to be cautious with his heart. And it isn’t just about him, the others have to hear Hyunjin’s explanations and apologies too.

“I think I can forgive you, but it isn’t an instant thing. I will need time.” Felix whispers just as quietly. He feels selfish for asking for time, knowing that it will put Hyunjin though more pain. But maybe Hyunjin needs a consequence like that to learn that he has to communicate for this to work. He can’t avoid Felix when things get hard.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me now. I just ask for a chance to redeem myself.” Hyunjin is quick to say. Felix smiles at how Hyunjin continues to show that he knows how much he hurt him.

“Of course I’ll give you a chance.” Felix smiles. He is tempted to lift his head to kiss Hyunjin, but he somehow restrains himself. He won’t give Hyunjin too much hope until he knows that they can move past this.

“So… what does that make us?” Hyunjin asks, slightly louder than before but still hesitant.

“You never stopped being my friend.” Felix says, glad that Hyunjin can’t see his face. He would know how much it hurts to only call Hyunjin his friend.

“So we’re friends?” Hyunjin asks, the same pain reflected in his voice, but he doesn’t protest.

“Yes, we are friends.” Felix confirms, hoping his smile doesn’t betray his sadness. He looks at Hyunjin, their faces so close that he feels Hyunjin’s breath on his skin. “You know, you’ve gotten a lot better at words.” Felix tries to lift the mood so he can breathe a little easier.

“If only I would learn how to use them.” Hyunjin chuckles, and maybe it is the contrast to how heavy the conversation has been that makes Felix laugh. It isn’t really that funny.

“I’m sorry that you didn’t get to yell at Hanie before he left.” Hyunjin’s voice is quiet, a different kind of pain behind his eyes. Maybe he didn’t get the chance either, he seems to have needed it more than Felix.

“I don’t actually mind. I have nothing to say to him.” Felix says. He isn’t confrontational, Hyunjin should know that by now.

“Really?” Hyunjin tilts his head in confusion. “I wanted to hunt him down when I found out that he left before I got the chance.” He adds. Felix just shrugs, smiling again at how protective Hyunjin is of him. Technically, Jisung didn’t do anything to hurt Hyunjin, so he doesn’t have to care. But he cares, because he cares about how Felix feels.

“He doesn’t deserve the breath I would spend. And people like that, they’re not gonna listen to you. They have to figure out what they did wrong on their own.” Felix explains. He will stay mad at Jisung for a long time, and he will never forgive him, but talking to Jisung about it wouldn’t change anything.

Felix doesn’t do the whole closure thing. When something is broken, it is better to walk away. He wouldn’t run back into a burning building to check if it is really on fire. It only allows the people who hurt him to hurt him more. Felix is the only one who can allow himself to heal.

“That is so mature of you,” Hyunjin says thoughtfully. “Who are you, and what did you do to Felix?” He narrows his eyes playfully. Felix surprises himself with a burst of laughter, wondering if Hyunjin realizes what he just said. He might really wonder if Chan made an appearance, but he doesn’t seem to catch onto how fitting his joke is.

“Is that a joke?” Felix giggles. Hyunjin looks at him for another moment before his eyes widen and he joins Felix’s laughter.

“Anyway, Minho hyung got to say what he needed to.” Felix adds once they calm down. His chest feels much lighter after clearing everything up. No part of him doubts how sorry Hyunjin is, or how much he wishes that he could go back and do things differently.

“Was it bad?” Hyunjin grimaces, knowing how it can feel to be on the receiving end of Minho’s wrath. Minho never wants to hurt anyone, but he knows how to do it if he feels justified.

“No,” Felix sighs, admittedly a little disappointed. “From what I understand, Hanie didn’t give him the chance to be too mean.” Felix says. He knows what Minho wanted to say, and it was no better than what he said to Hyunjin, but he didn’t get the chance.

“That’s too bad.” Hyunjin looks up at the ceiling like he’s remembering the colourful words Minho threw at him. If the smile tugging at the corner of his lip is anything to go by, he must know that Jisung would get something similar, or even worse.

“By the way, why were you in my bed this morning?” Felix continues, finally asking after wondering all morning. No one told him in his dream last night, so he wasn’t prepared for what he would wake up to.

“When I got back yesterday, Yongbok was crying. He’s really cute.” Hyunjin smiles at the memory, and Felix can’t help but smile too. He should have guessed that it was Yongbok, he didn’t know why anyone was mad at Hyunjin.

“Yes, he is.” Felix agrees. “He is the child in me that never got to grow up.” He explains shortly, not really wanting to get into the details. That is a conversation for another time.

“Wait- that’s why you flinched when I called you Yongbok on your first day.” Hyunjin realizes. Felix doesn’t remember that, but he can imagine it. All of his papers use his Korean name, but in the stray kids system, it belongs to their youngest.

“Probably, but I wasn’t there.” Felix says. Hyunjin smiles knowingly, shaking his head.

“No, I only caught a glimpse of you while giving Jeongin the tour.” Hyunjin sounds so sure, Felix wonders when Hyunjin learned to tell them apart. Maybe it happened long before he even knew what the changes meant, and learning their names was the last detail he needed.

Felix’s heart swells with adoration at the way Hyunjin talks about Jeongin and Yongbok like they are their own people. He didn’t think anyone would ever understand that all of the alters are equal to each other. They are as complicated, emotional and real as any other person, but it doesn’t seem like a lot of people understand that. He should have known that Hyunjin wouldn’t be one of the people who ask which of them is the ‘real’ person.

“Thank you for caring so much about them too.” Felix smiles, resting his cheek on Hyunjin’s shoulder again. He feels like they’ll be okay. He’s really just being cautious taking it slow.

Chapter Text

- Week 17 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin has his nose buried in a drawing when he hears the door to the art room open. He allows himself a moment to finish the detail he’s focusing on before lifting his head to see who it is.

It shouldn’t be surprising to see the subject of his drawing standing by the door, but after the last few weeks, he didn’t expect Felix to be his friend so soon after they finally talked. He should get used to it though; Felix has followed him everywhere since they decided to be friends, and apparently, his clinginess and physical affection isn’t exclusively for relationships.

“Can we talk?” Felix’s voice is slightly higher than usual, and paired with the frown on his face, Hyunjin realizes that it isn’t Felix. He looks closer, trying to figure out who it is without making it obvious that he’s wondering. Judging from the lack of greeting or softness in his voice, it has to be Minho. He’s the only one who would be so direct.

“Yeah, hyung. Sure.” Hyunjin says, putting down his pencil and flipping the page over to hide his drawing. Minho comes closer, sitting beside Hyunjin without looking at him. He looks out the window for a moment, frown deepening as he thinks. Hyunjin would be worried if it wasn’t so normal for Minho to look like this.

“I heard what you told Felix, when you apologized and explained.” Minho says, looking like it pains him to touch on such a vulnerable subject. Hyunjin is taken aback, surprised that Minho is willing to talk about this. He isn’t the most open person, not by far.

“You did?” Hyunjin doesn’t know what else to say. He has experienced the consequences of pushing Minho too far, and he doesn’t want more hurtful words to repeat in his head every night before falling asleep. But Minho seems to want to talk about this, even if it looks physically painful for him.

“We talk in our dreams,” Minho says. Hyunjin wonders if it’s some metaphor he can’t understand or if he really means it. “I don’t think anyone but me knew that it was real until recently, but that’s how we communicate with each other.” He answers Hyunjin’s unspoken question.

“What did he tell you?” Hyunjin asks, not wanting to get too distracted by the new information. It is fascinating how the mind works, but he is much more interested in what Minho came to tell him.

“He told me the story with Hanie, and all of your…” Minho hesitates. “Not excuses, but reasons for what you did.” It sounds like he’s reminding himself of the difference. Hyunjin wouldn’t argue either way, his reasons feel petty enough to be called excuses now that he can see the situation more clearly.

“I want to apologize to you too.”  Hyunjin says. It is just as important to him to get the other alters’ forgiveness as Felix’s. “Not just through Felix, but directly to you. What I did hurt all of you.” He struggles with choosing his words, not used to talking to Minho when he’s this… calm.

“All of the stray kids.” Minho says, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“What?” Hyunjin does a bad job of hiding his confusion. Minho chuckles and glances sideways at him, like there’s a joke he isn’t in on.

“It’s what Chan hyung calls us, his stray kids. It was just a joke at first, but it’s easier than saying all of our names.” Minho explains. Hyunjin nods slowly, wondering where ‘stray kids’ came from, but maybe it’s as natural to them as their names. That is just what their system calls themselves, and it feels fitting for them.

“Oh.” Is all Hyunjin says. It is laughable how awkward and lost for words he is with Minho when he is so comfortable with Felix. The conversation doesn’t flow naturally, so he’s not sure where to go from here. After a tense minute of silence, he decides to move back to his apology.

“I know that I hurt you, and I wish that I could go back and do things differently. I made everything so much worse than it had to be, and for that I am very sorry. I don’t understand how I justified what I did.” Hyunjin allows his emotions to bleed into his voice, hoping that it will show Minho that he means every word.

The Hyunjin who did that and the Hyunjin he is now feel like two separate people, and the current Hyunjin wouldn’t have handled the situation like that. The current Hyunjin knows how important communication is, and that problems only grow bigger over time. He would be terrified, but he would have told Felix what Jisung did immediately.

“I didn’t want it to hurt me.” Minho says, turning to Hyunjin again with a tight look. He isn’t Felix, but they have the same face, so it isn’t hard for Hyunjin to see how uncomfortable he is.

“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks, as confused as ever. It seems to be how he feels in every social interaction.

“I tried not to let your actions hurt me. It shouldn’t have, because I tried so hard to keep you at arm’s length.” Minho starts. “But the thing is, what you did wouldn’t hurt me so much if I didn’t care about you. If I kept my word and kept you a stranger, it wouldn’t have hurt so much to be shut out. I think we are similar that way. It is easier to run away from things than to face the pain.” Minho glances down at his wrists and pulls his sleeves down, reminding Hyunjin of what he did to escape his pain. Guilt tightens in his chest at the reminder.

“So I want to stay mad at you,” Minho continues. “I want to blame you for how you handled the situation, but I don’t think I can. It was an impossible situation and I’m not sure I would have done anything differently.” He suddenly looks directly at him, catching his eye for a split second before Hyunjin looks away.

Hyunjin isn’t sure that he agrees. It wasn’t like he didn’t have a choice, or that either option would hurt Felix, the stray kids, equally. There was an easier way to handle it, a better way, and he chose wrong. But he appreciates how open Minho is, that he tries to understand. And maybe it would have been an impossible choice for Minho.

“I don’t want to do that anymore. Running from the pain only makes it worse. My new thing is honesty, even if it hurts.” Hyunjin says decidedly. He won’t hold anything back, no matter how difficult it is to talk about. It is much better to have open communication, and he needs to prove to Felix that the same thing won’t happen again.

“And that right there is why I can’t stay mad at you. You’re my… friend, and I can’t lose that.” Minho hesitates when calling him his friend, but it seems to be mostly because it’s a word he isn’t used to using. Hyunjin can understand that; it wasn’t so long ago that he didn’t think he needed people either.

“I don’t want to lose you either.” Hyunjin says. When he thought he had lost Felix, he wasn’t just heartbroken over losing his boyfriend. He missed his friends too, Chan, Minho and Jeongin. Even Yongbok, although he didn’t know his name at the time, he missed him.

“Felix will forgive you too, just give him time.” Minho says. Hyunjin hears the meaning behind his words, the ‘forgive you too’. Minho already forgave him, and Hyunjin feels much lighter the moment he realizes that.

“I’m trying to be patient, but it’s really hard to just be his friend.” Hyunjin admits. He will be as patient as he needs to be, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. He is constantly reminded of what he has lost, of everything he can’t do with Felix anymore. It feels so strange and foreign to treat Felix the same as any other friend when their connection runs so much deeper.

“He’ll kill me for telling you this,” Minho starts, leaning closer and lowering his voice like Felix is standing outside the door, listening to them. “But it’s hard for him too. He doesn’t just want to be your friend.”

Hyunjin tries not to listen, to not get his hopes up, but he can’t fight the smile tugging at his lips. It isn’t a guarantee, it’s just Minho’s opinion, and even if it is true, it could change. Maybe that is how Felix feels now, but he might move on and get over Hyunjin, he just needs some more time.

“How do you know that?” Hyunjin asks, his smile turning sour as he overthinks it. Felix could struggle with just being friends in the same way that Hyunjin had a hard time with not being Jisung’s friend anymore. It’s just an adjustment.

“Is that a joke? Look at me.” Minho laughs, pointing at his face, Felix’s face. His laugh is so different from Felix’s, Hyunjin almost doesn’t recognize the sound. It is high pitched and breathy, while Felix’s is deep and from the gut.

“I like your laugh.” Hyunjin says, momentarily distracted. Minho rolls his eyes and straightens up, looking back out the window.

“Hey, don’t start crushing on me, I’m not your soon-to-be boyfriend.” Minho mutters playfully. Hyunjin feels heat creep into his cheeks, he didn’t intend for it to sound that way.

“I’m not crushing on you; I’m just cursed with no filter.” Hyunjin chuckles in embarrassment. He can’t help thinking about what Minho said, soon-to-be boyfriend. It is hard not to get hopeful when he sounds so sure that it will happen.

“You know what,” Minho turns fully in his chair to look at Hyunjin, looking more relaxed than Hyunjin has ever seen him. “A crush could do something for my confidence, go ahead.” He teases, making Hyunjin blush deeper. He is not crushing on Minho, and he doesn’t find it very funny, but he enjoys Minho’s smile too much to say anything.

“Hanie crushed on you, you know?” Hyunjin remembers. It took a while for him to put it together, but when he realized that Jisung crushed on Minho, not Felix, it felt like he was hit by a brick wall.

“What?” Minho looks shocked and disgusted, his face twisting into a grimace and eyes widening. Hyunjin laughs openly, feeling it loosen some of the tension in his chest. Somehow, it feels like they’re bonding for the first time. Finally, after four months of knowing Felix.

“He said that there was something about Felix when he told him to fuck off. That was you, right?” Hyunjin explains, continuing to laugh at the thought. He wonders if Jisung ever realized that it wasn’t Felix. And he wonders if there would have been a way for Jisung to be with Minho if he wasn’t an asshole, or if that would get too complicated.

“Do you think that’s why he messed it up?” Minho asks, the grimace on his face lessening slightly. Hyunjin shrugs, remembering that he used to think the same. Now that he’s starting to get to know Minho, it appears that their minds are similar in many ways.

“Maybe, I don’t know.” Hyunjin says. He would love answers, but he won’t get them, and it wouldn’t really make a difference. “He said he was over it, but I’m not the best judge of whether someone is lying. I don’t know if there is a reason though. Other than being a teenager with intense emotions and mental issues.”

Minho looks back out at the trees behind the building, deep in thought. “Well, damn.” He mutters, like his understanding of the entire situation has shifted. Maybe he is right, maybe this entire thing was about something as trivial as a crush.

The room falls into silence, both of them deep in thought, but it isn’t as awkward as before. Hyunjin likes that Minho is opening up to him, but he wonders why. He made it clear how he felt about Hyunjin, and it sounded like he truly believed his words, but maybe he didn’t. Seungmin said that people say things they don’t mean when they’re angry, and why would Minho suddenly open up to him if he meant what he said?

“Do you really wish you had never met me?” Hyunjin asks quietly. “Was I that big of a mistake?” It hurts to say it out loud, but the words will never stop hurting him if they don’t talk about it. Minho heaves a big sigh, allowing himself another moment to think before speaking.

“You have to understand that with the trauma I’ve been through, I would be stupid to let anyone in again.” Minho says, and there’s a heaviness to his words that gets lodged in Hyunjin’s throat. He doesn’t know what the trauma is, but he doesn’t have to know. He knows how severe it has to be for a child to develop DID, and that is all he needs to know.

“I understand.” Hyunjin says, before holding his breath and waiting for Minho to continue. Minho opens and closes his mouth a few times, and Hyunjin waits, giving him the time he needs to find his words.

“In some ways, if I hadn’t met you, this hurt wouldn’t have happened. And you wouldn’t have changed me so much; I would still have my brick walls to keep me protected. It was easier when I only had to care about myself, but I was also alone, and I don’t want to go back to that. It turns out that it doesn’t feel horrible to open up to someone.” Minho explains carefully.

“But you had… stray kids.” Hyunjin hesitates, not used to the nickname. But it feels fitting, they are stray kids in many ways. For a long time, they only had each other, and they haven’t always belonged somewhere.

“That is different.” Minho shakes his head. “When we met you, we had just been diagnosed, like two months earlier, and we weren’t very aware of each other, and we didn’t know that the dreams where we talked were real. We let you in before we let each other in, and in some ways, you taught us to trust each other.

“It was a strange thing to realize that I was not the only one, and it was ever harder to accept. I know Chan hyung especially struggled with it.” Minho looks like he has to fight himself to speak every word, and knowing how closed off he normally is, he probably does.

“You didn’t know about them?” Hyunjin asks. The room suddenly feels quieter, like the air stands still around them. He can hear music coming from down the hall, probably the dance studio, but it isn’t happening in this room, so it doesn’t feel real.

“No, why would I? DID protects, and we are not supposed to be aware of each other, just like no one is supposed to know that something is up with us. But that is just the brain protecting us from the trauma. We have to be aware of each other and communicate in order to heal.” Minho is so open, Hyunjin half expects him to shut down and run away at any moment. Perhaps another alter will come out, maybe Chan, coming to protect Minho from the difficult conversation.

“And I helped you do that?” Hyunjin asks, wondering if he’s understanding correctly. Maybe he really has been as good for Felix, and stray kids, and Felix has been for him. He hopes so, nothing would make him happier.

“To some degree. Of course therapy was a big part of that, but having you… as we started trusting you, how could we not trust each other? I don’t know how different things would have been without you, but I am grateful that I won’t have to find out.” Minho sounds distant; it must be difficult to talk so openly.

“Wait, you said we trust you.” Hyunjin realizes. Does that include Minho? But he never trusted Hyunjin. Minho smiles tightly and looks between Hyunjin and the view.

“I didn’t want to, but I did, and I think I can again.” Minho admits. “As much as I wish I could control how I feel, I can’t. And you gave me so many reasons to trust you. Maybe that’s why I lashed out when you hurt me, but I didn’t mean anything I said that day. So I’m… sorry too… for my part.” His voice is strained, struggling with getting the words out. He probably isn’t used to apologizing.

“I forgive you, and I will do everything I can to earn your trust back.” Hyunjin smiles. He almost wants to throw his arms around Minho and hug him close, but he’s pretty sure that Minho would hate that even more than him.

“I know you will, we all know.” Minho’s voice is faint, as if he isn’t entirely present. For a moment, Hyunjin listens to the song down the hall and wonders if Minho is dissociated enough to be concerned. Then Minho slowly blinks a few times and glances at him. 

“Are you actually opening up to me?” Hyunjin chuckles, only earning a delayed and weak shrug. Minho looks back out the window for the umpteenth time, but it doesn’t look like he’s actually seeing anything this time. “Are you okay?” Hyunjin asks, realizing that something is wrong.

“Talking about them makes them kind of…” Minho makes a weak gesture with his hand while staring blankly at the trees outside the window, going too long between blinking. He sags slightly in his chair, tilting forward like his head is too heavy to hold up.

Hyunjin realizes that he’s seeing a switch happen. It is the first time that he has been so aware of it as it happens, but he recognizes how it looks. He panics for a moment, not sure what to do. But then he reminds himself that he has seen this countless times before, and every time, silence and patience has worked just fine.

For a long minute, it looks like no one is in the body, like it’s just an empty shell. Then he blinks a few times, frowns slightly and takes a deep breath. His energy is different, much lighter and more open. He still looks out of it, so Hyunjin waits in silence for a few more minutes.

He watches Felix lift his head, rub his hands over his arms and look around the room, like he’s grounding himself and figuring out where he is. Then he turns and startles when he sees Hyunjin beside him.

“Jesus, where did you come from?” Felix asks, laying a hand on his chest before giggling weakly. He doesn’t look completely clear yet, but enough for Hyunjin to recognize his energy.

“I’ve been here the whole time, you’re the one who just arrived.” Hyunjin says, hoping that it’s okay to be so direct. Felix’s eyes drift around the room again, probably realizing that he wasn’t here in his last memory. He might not have realized if Hyunjin didn’t say anything. Should he not have?

“Oh.” Felix sighs. “Who-?” He frowns adorably, and Hyunjin notices the immediate change in how he reacts to Felix. Felix’s voice is deeper, making butterflies flutter in his stomach, and he is attracted to Felix in a way he wasn’t with Minho. He didn’t find Minho adorable or downright kissable.

“Minho hyung.” Hyunjin answers. “You’re Felix, right? I just have to be sure.” He smiles nervously, it would be embarrassing to be wrong. But Felix’s eyes look brighter by the second, in a way only his are.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Felix smiles back. Hyunjin wonders how he feels, if he was aware of anything that happened before he fronted, and if he had any choice in the matter. It is one thing to do research on the topic, but real experiences are often different, more complicated than what comes across on a Google search page. He would know from all the times he’s researched his own condition.

“Can I ask you something?” Hyunjin asks, and Felix nods. “It might be a stupid question, but did you mean to switch just now?” It certainly feels like a stupid question, but he wants to learn as much as he can to support Felix, to support all of them.

“No, we can’t control it. It only happens when there’s a trigger, and I can’t make it happen or stop it.” Felix shakes his head, looking thoughtful. “It’s kind of like someone has a remote control, switching the channel when they see a reason to, but it’s not one of us that control it. Or maybe it is an alter, but we’re not aware of them yet.” He explains, taking a deep breath before continuing.

“I didn’t know that I wasn’t fronting, I was just kind of not existing while Minho hyung was here, if that makes any sense. It’s not like I go somewhere and wait for my turn. Maybe it’s better to compare it to memories, you always have all of them, but you only know they’re there when you think of a specific one.” Felix continues, putting it into words that Hyunjin can try to understand.

“I think that makes sense, as much as it can to someone who hasn’t experienced it.” Hyunjin says, nodding slowly to himself. Then something Felix said is suddenly very clear. “Did I trigger Minho, or you?” Stress bleeds into his voice, worried about what he did wrong. Maybe he should have stopped Minho from being so open, but he didn’t realize that he was uncomfortable.

“No, I don’t think so. Don’t worry.” Felix is quick to reassure him. He looks fully like himself now, no distance or disorientation in his eyes.

“Then why are you here? If there has to be a trigger?” Hyunjin asks, struggling to understand. He wants to learn as much as he can without pestering Felix with questions. He only asks when it comes up naturally, knowing how overwhelming it is to be asked to explain everything at once.

“It can be the most random things, coming from pretty much anywhere. And sometimes it’s positive triggers. I’m guessing that I’m here because someone is playing Lewis Capaldi.” Felix gestures over his shoulder, to where they can still hear the music. Hyunjin’s eyes widen with understanding.

“That’s why I recognize the songs, you showed them to me.” Hyunjin says. Felix has played his entire Lewis Capaldi playlist for him multiple times, commenting on every song so much that Hyunjin almost didn’t hear the music.

“Yeah, his music means a lot to me, but the others don’t really care about him.” Felix says, explaining why it only triggers Felix. “Dancing seems to be a positive trigger for me too.” He adds after a moment, and something clicks into place in Hyunjin’s head.

“That actually explains a lot.” Hyunjin says, thinking back to every time Felix has asked him to dance when he was dissociating. He must have known that it helped him before he knew why it helped.

“How?” Felix asks curiously, tilting his head adorably. His teeth dig into his plump bottom lip, and Hyunjin has to force himself not to stare at it.

“On your first day, when I gave you the tour, I only saw you for a moment when I showed you the activity building and we talked about dancing. And then one time when you were dissociating, you asked me to dance, and it seemed to help ground you, so you kept asking. And you’re always Felix when we’re in the music room, unless there’s a sudden loud noise.” Hyunjin rambles, putting it all together for the first time.

“So, all I have to do to get you is turn on Lewis Capaldi and dance?” He teases, not actually intending to do so. It seems cruel to intentionally trigger someone, even if the trigger is labelled as ‘positive’.

“We don’t like to do it on purpose. It can be really draining to switch.” Felix frowns shyly. Hyunjin almost laughs, this must be a first, Felix not catching Hyunjin’s joking tone.

“Of course, I wouldn’t actually do it. It’s called a trigger for a reason, and I won’t ever do that on purpose.” Hyunjin quickly says, seeing Felix relax slightly. “Are you drained now?” He asks, and Felix sinks into his chair, rubbing his temples.

“My head hurts.” Felix admits, squinting at the bright light coming in from the window. Suddenly nothing else matters, Hyunjin just wants him to feel better.

“Let’s go lie down then.” Hyunjin gets up and moves over to the bean bags in the corner. Felix follows, but rather than getting his own, he plops down on top of Hyunjin. Hyunjin doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to being this close as friends, but he doesn’t want to lose it either.

“Is this okay?” Felix must sense his uncertainty, but it isn’t because he doesn’t like the touch. It’s just that feeling Felix so close reminds him of what he lost, and he can’t know that he won’t forget for a moment and lean in for a kiss.

“Yeah.” Hyunjin only manages a whisper. He tilts his head back so their lips won’t be as close and lifts a hand to rub Felix’s head. Felix’s tiny fingers come up to his hand, moving it to the right spot and sighing when Hyunjin massages the painful area.

He wonders if he will ever get used to this, if he will ever stop struggling with not crossing the line between platonic and romantic touches. He isn’t entirely sure where the line even is. He was never touchy with anyone but Felix, and they almost went straight into a relationship.

Watching Felix now, Hyunjin isn’t sure how long he can keep his sanity like this. Felix is as beautiful as the first time he saw him. The white-blond hair framing his face glows in the light, making him look ethereal. His eyes are closed, dark lashes fan over his cheeks, and dark freckles scatter like constellations on his flushed skin. It all makes him look out of this world.

His lips are plump and dark pink, looking so soft that it takes all of Hyunjin’s willpower not to press his own against them. Even the shape of his nose is unbelievably beautiful; perfectly sculpted for his face. There are no flaws on his face, not a single one. The scar on his chin looks like it is meant to be there. It is more pronounced with the light coming from the windows, the skin a shade lighter than the rest of his face.

Hyunjin lowers his hand from Felix’s temple to lightly trace over it, feeling how it is smoother than the skin around it. If Felix’s eyes weren’t closed, he would know exactly what Hyunjin is thinking. It must be written all over his face.

“How did you get this?” Hyunjin asks, his voice barely above a whisper. Felix’s eyes open, looking less pained than before. He chuckles, his own hand coming up to the skin below his lip.

“A very heroic battle with a doorknob.” Felix says, laughing at the memory. Silly doorknob, Hyunjin thinks, it should have known that it couldn’t truly hurt Felix.

“The doorknob didn’t stand a chance.” Hyunjin says. It might have left a scar, but it didn’t take away from Felix’s incredible beauty.

“I also have these from falling down the stairs.” Felix lifts his sleeve with a laugh, and they both stop breathing when the bandage on his wrist is revealed. Hyunjin can see the scars Felix means, two parallel lines higher up on his forearm, but his eyes are drawn back to the white around his wrist. The reminder hurts, and he can only imagine how it feels to Felix.

“Another heroic battle.” Hyunjin says softly, reaching for Felix’s sleeve and carefully pulling it back down over the bandage. Felix stares at a spot on the floor, oblivious to the pure love in Hyunjin’s eyes as he shamelessly takes in every detail of his face.

“What are you thinking?” Hyunjin asks when he feels the energy in the room suddenly shift to something sadder. Felix lifts his eyes, looking at Hyunjin, and there’s a pain there that Hyunjin rarely sees when Felix is fronting.

“Sometimes I wonder about it. I have a lot of scars like that, and I don’t know what happened to us, but…” Felix trails off, looking back at the floor. “I always thought I was just too young to remember how it happened, but what if it wasn’t a doorknob or the stairs?”

“What else would it be?” Hyunjin asks, not catching onto what he’s saying. Felix switches to looking up at the ceiling, his eyes restless.

“We were taken from our parents for a reason.” Felix simply says, and Hyunjin finally understands. Felix wonders if the scars came from his biological parents. “What if I wasn’t too young, but the memories don’t belong to me? It’s part of the memories the others hold, and that’s why I don’t know the truth.” He looks on the verge of tears, but then he shakes his head and smiles.

“Minho hyung is gonna come back out if I keep digging into this.” Felix continues before Hyunjin can say anything. There’s a forced peaceful look on his face, but Hyunjin doesn’t test it.

“Is your head any better?” Hyunjin changes the subject, just like Felix wants him too, but he holds Felix a little closer.

“Yeah. The headache never lasts that long.” Felix nods, putting on a tight smile. “It’s lunch time, come one.” Hyunjin’s mind needs a moment to catch onto the sudden change, but then he gets up with Felix and follows him down to the dining hall.

Chapter Text

- Week 18 -

- {   Felix/Chan/Jeongin   } -

Felix leaves the therapy building with a big smile on his face. He doesn’t usually smile after being in this building, but he just talked to his parents about Family Day next week. It is hosted once a year for all of the teens’ families to come and see the place, and his family just confirmed that they will all make the trip.

He is so excited to see them again that he skips over the yard, impatient to tell Hyunjin the good news. He can’t wait to show his family where he has spent the last few months, and he wants them to meet everyone who has helped him, but most of all, he wants them to meet Hyunjin. He almost looks more forward to it than hugging his mom again.

He can’t help but think about how different the meeting would be if things had worked out differently. A few weeks ago, he would have introduced Hyunjin as something more than his friend. He is lucky to have accepting parents who would only be happy for him, but it doesn’t matter anymore because Hyunjin is just his friend.

It will never be easy to call Hyunjin his friend. It was the most natural thing in the world to love him, and in many ways, it still is. It would be beyond easy to lean into his urges, to kiss Hyunjin and slip a hand under his shirt to feel the warmth of his skin. It takes a lot more effort to hold himself back than it would to give in.

He reaches for the ring on his finger only to remember that it isn’t there anymore. He remembers when Hyunjin gave it to him, how it felt like a symbol of their connection. It is back on Hyunjin’s finger now, and Felix misses it, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it back without it meaning something more to Hyunjin.

Felix isn’t sure if their relationship has changed permanently, if they could ever get back what they once had. He wants to forgive Hyunjin, and he doesn’t understand where his hesitancy comes from, why he’s so scared of letting go of his anger. He sees how much Hyunjin is doing to make up for what he did, and ever since his apology, Hyunjin has made him feel amazing.

He treats Felix with honesty, kindness and patience that has more than made up for all the bad. It shows a real effort to change, but something still holds Felix back from taking the final step of forgiveness.

Thinking about it sours his mood, taking the smile off his face by the time he reaches his room. He didn’t even realize that his mind drifted so much, taking away all the excitement he felt.

Felix stops outside the door, allowing himself a moment to pull himself back together. His family is coming, he is going to see his sisters again, he will hug his mom, that is a good reason to be happy. He pushes down the sad thoughts and pulls his excitement to the front as he pushes open the door.

Hyunjin is sitting at his desk with his back to the door. Felix’s iPod is on the desk beside him, the earbuds playing music in his ears, and he’s bent over what must be a drawing. He often borrows the iPod, so often that it feels like it belongs to both of them now. It’s good to see that he still borrows it despite everything else that has changed between them.

Felix closes the door louder than he has to so Hyunjin will hear him over the music and walks over to his bed, sitting down on the perfectly made sheets. Chan must have fronted earlier because his side of the room is perfectly tidy, not a single thing out of place.

Hyunjin glances up from his drawing, does a double take, and then sits up straighter while taking out the earbuds. He smiles, looking curiously at Felix. “You look happy about something.” He says, swivelling his chair around to face Felix. His smile makes something loosen in Felix’s chest, all of his worries melting away.

“I talked to my parents; they’re coming next week. My sisters too.” Felix says, glad that his façade is working. He isn’t ready to have that conversation yet, he needs to be sure that he can forgive Hyunjin before admitting how impossible it is to be his friend. But he almost feels like he’s doing himself more harm than good, denying himself Hyunjin’s love.

“That’s great.” Hyunjin says shortly, nodding to himself with a tight smile. Something feels a little off, but Felix pushes the feeling down, sure that he’s just sensitive because of recent events.

“I’m so excited for you to meet them.” Felix goes on, and Hyunjin’s face tightens further. Maybe he doesn’t want to meet them. Maybe it is way too much, way too soon, especially when they’re not a couple anymore. “If you want to, of course.” Felix adds unsurely.

“I do.” Hyunjin says, but he doesn’t relax. His shoulders look painfully tense, and his face looks weighted down, a stark contrast to the easy smile he wore mere moments ago. He isn’t usually this tense and quiet when they’re alone, but he looked fine until Felix brought up his family.

“Really? I know it can be a lot to meet four new people, but I promise they’re great. You can be yourself with them.” Felix’s tries not to show his concern, but his voice betrays him, showing the underlying emotions.

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Hyunjin says with a small nod, but it sounds like a dismissal. Felix can’t stand the fear that bubbles up inside him, worried that something else happened or that he did something wrong.

“Is something wrong?” Felix asks, letting Hyunjin know that he can tell that something is going on. He can’t freeze Felix out this time too.

“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin’s face drops into his hands, his shoulders moving with a deep breath before he lifts his head again. “It’s not about you, or meeting your family, please don’t worry.” He says, but it’s only slightly reassuring.

“I always worry.” Felix says, nothing else should be expected. Of course he’ll worry when Hyunjin goes quiet, it is sort of a pattern for him to avoid Felix when something is wrong. Hyunjin’s shoulders sag, the fight leaving him in a big breath. He gets up and comes to sit beside Felix on the bed, accepting the hand Felix holds out and linking their fingers together.

“I promise nothing happened, this isn’t about you or us at all, and I won’t take it out on you.” Hyunjin starts, stopping to pull that adorable thinking face of his. “I’m just not sure my own parents are coming, that’s all.” He says quietly, looking pointedly at the floor.

Felix hurts for him, he knows a thing or two about bad parents, but he hasn’t experienced it in the same way as Hyunjin. He doesn’t have any memories of his biological parents not showing up for him, and his adoptive parents have never done anything but support him.

“Have you talked to them?” Felix asks gently. In this moment, Hyunjin feels like a thin sheet of glass, and it would be so easy to accidentally break it if he isn’t careful. He can tell how painful this is for Hyunjin just by looking at the deep creases on his face and he doesn’t want to make this any harder than it has to be for his friend.

“No.” Hyunjin shakes his head, letting out a weak, humourless laugh. It sounds more like a scoff, like it’s surprising that Felix would even think that.

“Maybe if you ask them, they’ll come.” Felix keeps his voice soft, really not trying to be pushy. Hyunjin lets go of his hand and stands up to pace across the floor.

“That would require us to actually talk.” Hyunjin says, frustration clear in his voice. “I haven’t heard from them in a while, I kind of want them to take the first step, you know? It would be nice for them to ask how I’m doing, or just let me know that they’re still alive.” His fingers twist into fists at his sides before letting go, over and over while he talks.

“I’m sorry.” Felix says, wishing that he could do more to help. He wants to take away Hyunjin’s pain, to make it all okay, but he can’t. Hyunjin halts his pacing to frown at Felix.

“For what? You didn’t do anything.” Hyunjin says, voice softening. Felix smiles at the reassurance, noticing how well he is communicating this time. He isn’t shutting Felix out or pretending that everything is fine.

“I’m still sorry.” Felix says, not knowing what else he can say. Hyunjin heaves another deep sigh and tilts his head back for a moment.

“Don’t be. You’re perfect, and I want to meet your family. I know they’re used to the autism, so maybe I won’t be a complete mess.” Hyunjin says, then he comes back to bed and sits down, his fingers finding Felix’s again, playing with them while he looks deep in thought. There are fading crescent marks on his palms from his nails.

“You’ll be great, just be yourself. They’ll love you as much as I do.” Felix sees how Hyunjin’s hands freeze for a moment, taking in what he just said, but he doesn’t clarify. He does love Hyunjin, as much as he always has, and in the same way as before. It never went away, it never lessened in the slightest.

“Do you want to talk about your parents?” Felix offers after a moment. He might not have any wise things to say, but he can be a good listener if that’s what Hyunjin needs.

“Not really. It’s not that I can’t open up to you, I just don’t like thinking about it.” Hyunjin says, resuming his fidgeting with Felix’s fingers. It is comforting in a way, it’s such a normal touch for them that it’s easy to forget that anything has changed.

“Okay. The offer stands if you change your mind though.” Felix says. They’re sitting so close that he wonders if Hyunjin can feel his breath on his cheek. Felix can’t take his eyes off of him, studying his face like it’s the first time he’s seeing it. He never fully appreciated how beautiful Hyunjin’s side profile is. His lips look so plump from the side, Felix misses how they feel pressed against his own.

He lifts a hand to tuck Hyunjin’s hair behind his ear. The touch makes Hyunjin look at him with those huge dark eyes, like boba balls, and Felix’s breath gets caught in his chest. It would be the easiest thing in the world to close the distance between them.

“I just feel like I lose everyone no matter what I do.” Hyunjin’s low voice breaks him out of his thoughts, seemingly changing his mind about talking about it. “I can’t seem to make people stay. Not even my own parents.” There’s a deep sadness in Hyunjin’s eyes, his teeth digging into his lip like he’s trying not to cry.

“You didn’t lose me.” Felix says, placing a finger on Hyunjin’s chin to pull his lip out from between his teeth. He almost forgets himself and kisses Hyunjin out of habit. Things may have changed, but he’s still here. His feelings haven’t changed at all, and if Hyunjin’s haven’t either, he has to believe that they will get back what they had. It is easy to overthink and doubt, but if he just listens to his emotions, nothing is truly lost.

“Didn’t I?” Hyunjin counters, “I can’t even blame Hanie; I broke this on my own. I break everything I touch, I’m a horrible person.” As he speaks, Felix starts to feel a little hazy. This is not a good time to be pulled under, so he tries to push it down despite knowing that he can’t stop it.

“That’s not true, Hyunie. You are not a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes, but they don’t define who you are.” Felix says, trying his very best to be comforting. His hand comes up to his throat, pressing two fingers into his pulse point and he curses internally when he realizes why. He doesn’t want to share the space in his head right now, but he can’t make Chan go away.

“Are they mistakes or a pattern when it happens every time?” Hyunjin asks, looking blankly out at the room. He looks so sad and heavy, as if he’s struggling with staying upright under the weight of his thoughts.

“You didn’t do anything to Hanie.” Felix reminds him. He struggles with coming up with more to say when he’s on the verge of dissociation. Familiar but foreign thoughts bleed into his own, making it hard to grasp a clear thought. This is a conversation Felix wants to be present for, but he wonders if Chan could help Hyunjin more.

“I would have eventually.” Hyunjin insists. Felix can’t resist pulling him into a hug, not sure what else he can do. There are so many things he wants to say, but he can’t seem to find the words. Closing his eyes, he tries to let go of his control rather than fight the dissociation.

“But you didn’t. He was the one who hurt you. And you haven’t hurt Seungmin, right? And you haven’t lost me.” Felix hears himself speak, but it doesn’t feel like him talking. He wasn’t aware that he was going to say anything until he heard the words. His fingers tap patterns against Hyunjin’s shoulder, telling him how close Chan is to the front.

“I feel like I lost you.” Hyunjin says it with so much sadness. “I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. I know that this is the consequence of my actions, and I respect you for doing what you need to do, I just hope you can forgive me someday…”

“…Even if we can’t be what we were. It just sucks that I had you, and now I don’t.” Hyunjin rambles, giving Chan a moment to orient himself before continuing the conversation. He feels like he lost a part of Hyunjin’s speech, he shouldn’t be so out of breath from saying so little.

“Hyunjin, please listen to me.” Chan says, waiting until Hyunjin looks at his nose. “You are seventeen, no one expects you to be perfect. We all make mistakes, that’s how we learn. I don’t think you make more mistakes than everyone else, and you have a good reason for being the way you are.” He hopes he doesn’t entirely miss the mark, having only caught glimpses of the previous conversation.

“But being autistic doesn’t make it okay for me to hurt people.” Hyunjin looks on the verge of tears, his lips trembling and eyes welling up. Chan wants to keep him in the hug, but Hyunjin moves away, putting some space between them.

“No, it doesn’t. But that’s not what makes us forgive you for what you did. You show remorse, and understanding of what you did wrong, and willingness to work on it so it won’t happen again.” Chan says. He hates that he can’t use more than words to comfort, but he knows that a hug wouldn’t help Hyunjin.

Hyunjin looks away and sniffles quietly, but his tears don’t fall. “What if I can’t learn to do things differently?” He mumbles, his hands twisting together almost painfully in his lap. It is heartbreaking to watch him work through such pain, but at the same time, it feels good to be allowed to be a part of it. Hyunjin isn’t shutting down this time; he’s opening up, he’s letting them in.

“Then we’ll find another solution.” Chan says with certainty. “I will never punish you for having a brain that works a little differently, and I understand that certain things don’t come naturally to you. We will find a different way if this isn’t just a bad habit.”

It is very possible that Hyunjin resorts to avoiding painful emotions and situations because of something that is hard-wired into his brain. And if that’s the case, it won’t be so easy to change. Chan isn’t sure if he can change an autistic trait without learning to mask it, but there are many ways to handle it without forcing Hyunjin to mask.

“What other solutions are there?” Hyunjin asks tiredly. He looks drained from holding back a storm of emotions, and Chan can’t stand seeing him work so hard to keep himself in control.

“First of all, you look like you are going to pop a blood vessel.” Chan attempts a bad joke, but neither of them laugh. “Please let yourself feel what you’re feeling, you don’t have to hide or downplay it. It is painful, and that’s okay.” His voice softens, and Hyunjin’s lips tremble. This time a tear trails down his cheek and he lets out a long breath. He’s still holding back though, always so stubborn.

“Second, it is unfair to expect you to change so much. You don’t have to be a different person with me. We will meet each other in the middle, we just have to find a balance, a way for both of us to be the best people we can be for each other. And that involves me adapting to you just as much, but I never want us to be anything but ourselves.” Chan watches his words make it harder for Hyunjin to hold back the tears.

“Hyunjin, please just cry, it’s okay.” Chan says, done with being indirect. He never noticed how hard it was for Hyunjin to show these kinds of emotions, but come to think of it, he has only seen Hyunjin cry once. With how much time they’ve spent together and how emotional Hyunjin is, it can only be because Hyunjin usually hides when he’s upset.

“Don’t want to have a meltdown, this is important.” Hyunjin says through tight lips. Chan hasn’t seen many meltdowns, but Felix has described them, how it seems to hit him like a tidal wave, and he has no chance of fighting it.

“Do you think you would be able to hold it back like this if it was a meltdown?” Chan asks. He doesn’t know the answer, but he can see that it makes Hyunjin think, and another tear falls from his eye. “Your emotions are allowed to interrupt, whether it’s a meltdown or just plain old sadness. It will pass, and I will stay with you until it does.”

That seems to be the last straw for Hyunjin’s control to crumble. He hides his face in his hands and lets out a silent sob. Chan carefully puts a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder, testing if it’s okay, and Hyunjin folds into him.

The way Hyunjin presses his face into Chan’s shoulder and sobs reminds him so much of the first time they were in this position. It feels like an eternity ago that Hyunjin broke down when he thought he was alone before begging Chan to speak to Felix. In reality, it was just a couple of weeks ago, but so much has happened since then.

He wonders if he should let Hyunjin know that he isn’t Felix this time either. And he wonders if Hyunjin would seek his touch if he knew, but Hyunjin moved away the moment Chan was fully in control, he must have noticed, even if it was on a subconscious level. And Chan doesn’t have the heart to take away something that is clearly comforting him in such a vulnerable moment.

As promised, Chan holds him until Hyunjin’s sobs start to lighten. It comes and goes in waves for a while before he finally pulls back enough to wipe his face. His skin is splotched in red and glistening with tears, his eyes red-rimmed and lashes clumped together. It makes him look so young; all Chan wants to do is protect him.

“Okay?” Chan asks. He doesn’t want to go back to their conversation too soon and overwhelm Hyunjin. Hyunjin just nods, so Chan waits for him for a few more minutes. He watches Hyunjin get his colour back, his face relaxing and shoulders dropping now that he isn’t holding back all of that emotion anymore.

“Do you think Hanie could ever be forgiven?” Hyunjin asks quietly, surprising Chan. He didn’t expect Jisung to come up in this conversation, but maybe he should have. Jisung may have left BPH, but he is still tangled up in this whole mess.

“Maybe, if he showed remorse and willingness to work on himself.” Chan says. He’s glad that he doesn’t have to find out. He’s disappointed that he won’t get to talk to Jisung himself, but relieved that he doesn’t have to figure out what to say. He wants to give everyone a chance, no matter how much they hurt him, but truthfully, he isn’t sure if he could actually do that with Jisung.

“How can you have any sympathy for him?” Hyunjin asks, voice slightly hoarse from crying. It makes Chan wonder, how does he have any sympathy for him? Maybe because he knows how desperately Jisung needed help, but he wasn’t getting it from anyone.

“Do you remember what you said about how this place can make you sicker if you aren’t careful with who you talk to?” Chan asks, remembering hearing about it from Felix. Hyunjin nods quietly.

“I think that’s what happened to Hanie. You, me and Seungmin only really talk to each other, but he hung out with so many, and I think he was influenced by teens who are not in good places either. He needed help, but instead they fed into each other’s issues, and maybe they even encouraged him to do what he did.” Chan explains, clearing it up for himself as well.

“I never thought about it like that.” Hyunjin says, frowning in thought. “I still don’t think he should be forgiven, even if you could.” He adds a moment later. Chan simultaneously agrees and disagrees, because Jisung will never deserve being forgiven, no matter what he does to try to redeem himself, some things can’t be forgiven. But Chan deserves to be able to move on.

“I don’t think forgiveness has to be about letting someone back into your life. If I forgive him, it’s for me, so that I can move on. Carrying the hurt gets really heavy after a while, and forgiveness doesn’t fix what has been broken, but it can allow you to let go of that weight. That doesn’t mean that what he did was okay, or that I ever want to see him again.” Chan says. Hyunjin narrows his eyes, looking suspicious about something.

“You sound like Channie hyung.” Hyunjin says, putting it together. Chan just shrugs, and that must be confirmation enough because Hyunjin’s eyes widen in realization. “Did I trigger you?” He asks with deep worry in his voice.

“It doesn’t matter.” Chan smiles. He doesn’t know what happened, it could have been something in the conversation or how Felix felt that triggered him, but it’s not like someone tells him why he’s suddenly conscious.

“How could it not matter if I triggered you?” Hyunjin looks like he’ll cry again, so Chan is quick to explain.

“Because you are not responsible for my triggers. It isn’t your fault that we have DID or that there are triggers absolutely everywhere. Even if you knew about every little trigger we have, and you avoided all of them, you couldn’t prevent switches from happening every day. And it isn’t your job or responsibility to try.” Chan hopes he’s clear enough. “Besides, it’s exhausting for us to front for too long, getting stuck in the front is no fun.” He adds.

“But what if it was something horribly triggering? Not just causing a switch, but to you, and your trauma.” Hyunjin says, always so worried. But there is a big difference between intentionally and accidentally triggering someone. Hyunjin would only be responsible if he was told to stop and kept going.

“Then you’d know. We can take care of ourselves, and we will let you know if you do or say something that sends us spiralling into traumatic memories. But most of the time, it isn’t that deep. The world doesn’t have to end for a switch to happen.” Chan says. Because the fact is that Hyunjin triggers them all the time, and so does everyone else, and their environment, and their thoughts, and anything in between.

“Every human being on the planet feels things because of what is around them. It can change their mood in a split second, breaking their hearts or making them laugh until their stomach hurts. That is what it is to be human, and the world would be boring if no one could ever trigger each other’s emotions to change.” Chan goes on, trying to explain in a way that is easy to understand.

“So it is like changing emotions?” Hyunjin asks, trying to understand. He looks both confused and deep in thought, squinting and biting his lip like he always does when thinking about something complicated.

“Switching? Not really.” Chan says, but he doesn’t know how to explain how it feels. “But making a switch happen is no worse than making someone laugh or cry, it’s all a part of life.” Of course, switches can be draining and cause headaches, but so can a lot of emotions. Hyunjin seems to finally understand, at least on some level, nodding to himself and relaxing.

“So will you forgive me just to be able to move on?” Hyunjin asks. It takes Chan a moment to remember what he’s talking about. He is amazed at how Hyunjin’s mind jumps between things so easily, like they’re having multiple different conversations at the same time. Once he could relax, Hyunjin went right back to what Chan said about forgiving Jisung for his own benefit.

“No, what you did isn’t unforgivable. I will forgive you because you’re my friend and because you are the best thing that could have happened to Felix in here. And for all the other reasons I just gave you.” Chan says. This isn’t the same as Jisung, Hyunjin has shown remorse and willingness to work on it. “What we have, and what you have with Felix isn’t broken. It can be fixed.” He adds, repeating exactly what Felix said in a dream last night.

“I hope you’re right.” Hyunjin says.

- { >< } -

Jeongin crosses his arms over his chest, forcing himself to take a deep breath as he steps out of the room with Hyunjin. He hates leaving his room, preferring the safety of his own bed, but Hyunjin made the music room sound so fun that he agreed to try. He immediately regrets it when a teen comes wandering down the hallway, eyeing them on his way past.

“You can do this, just breathe, and if it’s too much or you don’t like it, we can go back.” Hyunjin says, reassuring in a foreign way. No one else has ever been able to make him feel slightly safer, but he knows that Hyunjin will take care of him if anything happens.

Jeongin nods shortly and they head out of the building. There are more teens in the yard, crossing between the buildings. They shouldn’t have done this on a Saturday, when no one is tied to their regular schedule.

He is tempted to run back to his room to hide away until he knows that no one will find him. But then Hyunjin grabs his hand and gives it a small squeeze. Jeongin takes a breath, telling himself that Hyunjin will protect him, and they continue to the activity building.

They meet a few more teens as they walk through the building. Somehow, everyone seems to be exactly where Hyunjin is taking him. It feels like they meet more teens than there even are at BPH, and it doesn’t matter that it’s just Jeongin’s anxiety talking. The same anxiety that takes his breath away when he sees the open door to the music room.

He has met Seungmin many times before, but this time Seungmin will know who he is. He can’t hide behind the Felix façade. He didn’t think that he would miss pretending to be someone else, but it is safer to not be himself. If anyone judges him or doesn’t like him when he isn’t himself, it is likely for reasons that he can change.

“Breathe, and if it’s too much, we’ll go back.” Hyunjin reminds him, squeezing his hand again. Jeongin tries to remember why he wanted to do this, but he can’t think of a single reason. It was important to him a few minutes ago though, so he tells himself that he can do it.

“It’ll be-” Jeongin cuts himself off, he can’t know that it will be okay. “I want to do this.” He says instead, even though he can’t for the life of him remember why. Hyunjin smiles and takes him down the hallway. Jeongin is following behind him, like a shy child hiding behind their mother’s legs.

Hyunjin enters the room first, and Seungmin’s calm greeting reaches Jeongin’s ears. He knows how calm and nice Seungmin is, but still, he only sees chaos when he imagines their meeting. He doesn’t have time to panic too much before Hyunjin’s arm tugs him inside and he trips over the doorstep, falling into Hyunjin’s back. That is one way to make himself known.

His cheeks are on fire when he straightens back up and turns to Seungmin, looking pointedly at the floor. His heart hammers in his chest, and his legs try to make him move, to run away from here, but he’s frozen in place. Another squeeze from Hyunjin’s hand reminds him to breathe, or at least try.

“I brought Innie.” Hyunjin says, using the familiar nickname that reminds him of Chan’s protection and Felix’s safety. Seungmin is Felix’s friend, his good friend that has never hurt them. That should at least allow him to relax slightly. He hears Seungmin stand up and watches his feet come closer until they’re a few feet from his own.

“I feel like I should bow or shake your hand or something, but I think we already know each other.” Seungmin says awkwardly, but there’s a smile in his voice. Jeongin forces air into his lungs and carefully lifts his eyes until he can see Seungmin’s smile. It is warm and inviting, and despite looking for judgement, Jeongin can’t find any.

“We have met.” Jeongin doesn’t know what else to say. He would die if Seungmin bowed or touched him, and thankfully he doesn’t do either. Seungmin just smiles and goes back to fiddling with a CD player while lightly chatting with Hyunjin.

Jeongin is shocked at how easy that was. He was prepared for a thousand questions, or doubt about who he is, or strange looks. Anything but the easy acceptance Seungmin gives him. Maybe he doesn’t understand, maybe he thinks that Innie is Felix, or that this is just a joke.

“How-” Jeongin falters, not sure what he wants to say. Seungmin and Hyunjin are suddenly both looking at him, and Jeongin feels his cheeks set fire again at the attention. “How is this so easy for you? I mean, I look like…” His voice dies out, heart hammering in his throat.

“I know what it’s like to not be who people see when they look at me.” Seungmin shrugs. Can it really be that simple? Is Seungmin really not reacting because he is familiar with the feeling?

It is as if the understanding erases the awkwardness of meeting for the first time. Suddenly he’s a part of the conversation, daring to take up space in the room and be equal to the other two.

He was so scared to come here, but he has to admit that it feels good to be a part of the group, as himself. And that is exactly why it was so important to him to do this.

Chapter Text

- Week 19 -

- {   Hyunjin   } -

Hyunjin nervously looks around the dining hall, at least as much as is possible with how full it is. Any wrong move can lead to unwanted eye contact, something that has already happened a regrettable number of times.

Today is Family Day, and it looks like most of the teens have already met up with their families. Felix sits at the edge of his seat beside Hyunjin, looking excitedly at the door because he knows who will enter at any minute. Hyunjin tries to share his excitement, smiling whenever Felix looks at him because he is glad that Felix gets to see his family.

Hyunjin is even a little excited to meet them. He hates meeting new people, but he wants to see who shaped Felix into the person that he is. He is curious about how similar he is to them, seeing as how he has only been with them for half his life. Meeting the parents should be an exciting and nerve-wracking thing, but Hyunjin can’t seem to get out of his own head.

Hyunjin’s own parents aren’t coming today. He hasn’t talked to them in nearly a year, but he tells himself that it is okay. He isn’t expecting them today, so he can’t be disappointed. In fact, he almost has himself convinced that he would be disappointed if he saw them. It doesn’t matter if it’s true as long as he can make himself feel better.

Felix suddenly jumps out of his chair and bounds toward the door. Hyunjin vaguely recognizes the man and woman coming inside as Felix’s parents. He barely looked at their faces last time he saw them, but he will never forget the first time he met Felix.

This time, two girls follow behind them, they must be Felix’s sisters. Felix hugs his mom first, holding on tightly for a long moment before moving to his dad. It must be nice to feel so affectionate toward his family, it makes Hyunjin wonder how it would feel to hug his own parents. Or to simply be excited by seeing them.

Felix hugs his sisters next, the taller one first, who welcomes his hug. Then the shorter one, who locks her arms to her sides and grimaces. That is the shortest hug, but she allows Felix to have his moment.

Hyunjin tears his eyes away from them, looking down at his hands and trying to convince himself that he’s fine. His family didn’t show up, but Seoul is on the other side of the country, he can’t blame them. A phone call would’ve been nice, but that goes both ways. It’s not like he has tried to reach out to them either. It’s fine.

“Hyunjin-” Felix’s excited voice cuts off Hyunjin’s thoughts. He looks up, slightly overwhelmed by the group of five people looking at him. Do they know who he is? Or what he used to be to Felix? Or is this the first time they’ve heard his name?

“These are my parents, and my sisters, Olivia, and Rachel.” Felix points out his sisters, the younger one is Olivia, the older is Rachel. Hyunjin doesn’t look above anyone’s collarbone, but he notices that Olivia isn’t looking at him either. Her eyes are glued on the floor like there’s something very interesting there. He remembers Felix mentioning that his sister is autistic, and he wonders if it is Olivia.

“Hi.” Hyunjin says shortly, giving an awkward wave. His legs bounce against the floor under the table, desperately trying to regulate all of the emotions swirling around inside. He wanted to meet Felix’s family, but now that they’re here, it is glaringly obvious that Hyunjin’s family isn’t.

“Nice to meet you, Hyunjin, is it?” Felix’s mom says, making sure that she got his name right. Her voice is kind, and he can hear her smile, but he doesn’t see it. His eyes are glued to the table, every part of his body tense and uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to be here.

“Yes.” Felix answers for him. He sits back down at Hyunjin’s side, easily lapsing into conversation with his parents. Hyunjin wants to take part in the conversation, to properly meet them and give a better first impression than this. He wants to talk to Olivia, possibly the only person in this room who feels similar to him. But he can’t even look up from the table.

It strikes Hyunjin how similar Felix is to his older sister. They talk the same; hearing her is almost like hearing Felix with a more feminine voice. Their mom talks similarly too, they clearly have it from her, although she’s more mature in the way she speaks. Hyunjin wonders if he sounds like his parents too, or if they’ve been apart for so long that he’s lost any similarity they may have had.

Felix sounds happy, comfortable with his family, something Hyunjin didn’t realize he wanted for himself until this very moment. He wishes that his parents showed up, even if they complained about missing work and hated being here, it would still mean a lot that they prioritized him.

The longer he listens to all the conversations in the room, the closer he feels to tears. He has to get out of here somehow, but he can’t stand making a scene and drawing attention to himself. It has to seem natural, but he can’t think of a single way to escape without every head turning to look at him. And the last thing he wants to do is leave without telling Felix and making him worry that something is wrong.

Felix’s hand suddenly grips Hyunjin’s under the table. It takes a moment for Hyunjin to understand that the hard, stick-shaped object in between their hands is a pen, and another moment to understand what to do with it. He takes it from Felix’s hand, and glances down at his lap where he can see their hands clearly. With trembling hands, he holds the pen to Felix’s skin and writes.

I need to get out of here.

Felix easily keeps up with the conversation like nothing is wrong, only looking down when Hyunjin pulls away the pen and taps his finger against the words. He quickly reads the words before looking at Hyunjin. Their eyes meet and Hyunjin hopes he can see some of the distress he’s working hard to hide from everyone else.

“Let me introduce you to my other friend.” Felix says to his family, presumably looking around the room for Seungmin. Hyunjin flinches at that word, friend, but he doesn’t have enough space in his head to think about the details.

Felix gets up to lead his family in what must be Seungmin’s direction, and Hyunjin is beyond relieved when the family moves away from him. The moment he’s sure that they’re not looking at him anymore, he’s out of his seat.

He heads for the art room only to realize that all the families will get the full tour, and this will be one of the first places they go. He needs to find somewhere private, somewhere no one will stop by while showing the place to their parents. Not even his room is safe from that. Felix will be eager to show it off.

No one will go to the roof. He hasn’t been there in months because of the cold, but spring is just around the corner and the sun is out today. It might be fine if he bundles up. He is just desperate enough to take privacy over comfort.

Heading back to his room, he barely stops by to put on another layer of clothes, wrapping himself up as much as possible. He writes a short note to let Felix know where to find him, slipping it half under his pillow and hoping it’s visible enough to be found without being obvious.

Thanks to everyone gathering in the activity building, it is easy to slip out of the back door. It will be harder to get back inside later, but he pushes that thought out of his head. He takes the stairs two at a time, and then fresh air hits his face.

Tears gather in his eyes the moment he’s alone. He tried to be fine with not seeing his family today, but he doubts that he will ever be okay while seeing everyone else with their parents when he doesn’t have his own. It seems like everyone else showed up today, both parents and siblings, so clearly it can’t be that hard to manage.

Hyunjin’s parents don’t struggle with money, and they don’t have to work on Sundays. They could have easily flown in last night and gone back home tonight. But they didn’t. They didn’t even call to tell him they weren’t coming.

Or at least that was how things were the last time he spoke to them. A lot can change in ten months. But their lives can’t have changed that much, they would have told him, right?

Maybe they wouldn’t. They dropped him off at BPH when he became too much for them to handle, and he hasn’t heard from them since. They have contacted BPH, but never Hyunjin directly, and that tells Hyunjin everything he needs to know about them. They don’t care about him anymore. Maybe they never did.

He feels like he breaks at the realization, pressing his hands into his mouth so the sound won’t carry down to the yard where people could hear him. As the full force of the meltdown hits, he moves away from the wall and sits down before he starts rocking in place, desperately trying to regulate the storm inside.

He feels like an idiot sitting in the middle of the roof, sobbing into his hands and moving like a broken rocking chair, but he doesn’t attempt to stop himself. He needs to feel this, and holding it back will only hurt him more, so he lets go of the last restraint he has on himself and falls apart.

- { >< } -

The door to the roof opens much sooner than Hyunjin expected. He has had time to have a meltdown, calm down, and then cry some more, and now he’s sitting on the ground, contemplating whether to lie down or get up. He probably looks sad where he sits, not even looking at the view, and slumped over with exhaustion from all the crying.

“Hyunjin-ah?” It isn’t Felix’s voice that calls out for him. Hyunjin whirs around, stumbling to stand up and see Changbin come toward him. He tries his very best to read Changbin’s face, there’s a crease between his brows and a tight set of his jaw, anger? Of course he’s angry. The roof is off limits to teens.

“I-I’m sorry hyung, I-” Hyunjin’s voice fails him, hoarse and weak. Changbin comes closer, and Hyunjin looks down at his feet, ready for the worst scolding of his life. His shoulders tighten, and his hands tremble, but Changbin doesn’t say anything.

Reluctantly, Hyunjin looks up, seeing that Changbin has stopped in front of him, but his face hasn’t changed. Is he not angry? Tension can mean so many things, Hyunjin can’t even begin to guess what type of tension is on Changbin’s face.

“Are you okay?” Changbin asks, and the dam breaks open again. Tears gather faster than Hyunjin can fight them, dripping from his eyes and darkening the concrete below his feet. Embarrassment burns in his cheeks despite how many times Changbin has seen him cry. This is different than meltdowns, he should be able to control this, but he doesn’t stand a chance.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Changbin concludes. “Can I hug you?” He asks, voice tight with something. Maybe concern, or a need to feel useful. Hyunjin takes a step back, hoping it is a clear enough answer. He would love a hug, but not from Changbin.

“Okay, come sit down with me.” Changbin starts to walk away, and Hyunjin obediently follows him. They sit down against a wall, in the perfect place to see through a gap in the concrete wall around the edge of the roof. It is obscured by a fence, but he can mostly see the view through the gap.

“I’m sure your parents wanted to come today.” Changbin says, setting off another wave of tears that Hyunjin has no control over. He turns his head away, quickly wipes the tears away and tries to sniffle as quietly as possible, as if Changbin doesn’t already know that he’s crying.

“Do you really believe that?” Hyunjin croaks, not an ounce of hope in his voice. It is just something people say to comfort, lies to hold onto despite knowing that it isn’t true, but it doesn’t work when it’s so unrealistic that he can’t believe it.

“I’m a social worker, I’m not really supposed to say, ‘fuck them’.” Changbin says. It is oddly comforting to hear. Hyunjin doesn’t need someone to tell him that his parents try their best, he needs someone who sees how much they hurt him. They both know that his parents didn’t want to be here today.

“But if you weren’t? If you could say whatever you wanted?” Hyunjin asks, staring blankly through the gap in the concrete. His vision blurs, but he doesn’t wipe the tears this time. They are warm against his cold cheeks, but only for a moment before they cool down and feel like ice.

“Then maybe I would.” Changbin admits. The silence stretches for a moment. “And maybe I would tell you that I have done this job for a long time, and I have never seen any parents care less about their son’s treatment. But I can’t tell you that, of course.” It is somehow exactly what Hyunjin needs to hear.

He isn’t overreacting or expecting more of his parents than he should. They genuinely don’t care. He could probably choose to never go home, and they wouldn’t reach out to ask why. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and he used to look forward to it so he could get out of here, but now he doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want to go back to them.

Maybe he can find another way. He’ll be eighteen soon. He could find another place to live, and his parents could never stop him, if they even wanted to. Maybe BPH can help him with that when the time comes, but as long as his parents pay, he can stay here until the end of the year. He pushes the thoughts away; it is too daunting to think about for now.

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Hyunjin asks, wondering why Changbin hasn’t said anything about where they are. Maybe he just looked so sad and pathetic that Changbin couldn’t stand scolding him.

Changbin snorts a short laugh. “Did you really think I didn’t know you came here all the time?” He asks, and maybe it should’ve been obvious. Hyunjin couldn’t possibly be that sneaky, but he thought that he was never caught here.

“Then why-?” Hyunjin halts, not sure what he’s asking. Changbin is friendly, but he is usually strict with the rules.

“Sometimes the rules are stupid.” Changbin says. It isn’t the least bit surprising to hear him say that. “You know, I told Yongbok the same thing when I realized what he was to you.” He continues. Hyunjin’s eyes nearly pop out of his head, he had no clue that Changbin knew.

Changbin laughs at his reaction, that high-pitched genuine laugh that only comes out sometimes. “You do know that you’re very obvious with your emotions, right?” He asks, but it doesn’t feel like a question.

Hyunjin sighs, pain tightening in his chest again. There may have been something special between them once, but Felix asked for time and never mentioned it again. Hyunjin has to attempt to come to terms with it really being over.

“I rather fucked that up.” Hyunjin mumbles. He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised that it ended like this. It always does with him. He ends up hurting people no matter how hard he tries not to, and apologies aren’t always enough to fix it.

“Give it time.” Changbin sighs, no trace of laughter left in his voice. “I don’t know what happened between you, but I know that he doesn’t look at you any differently.” He says. Hope, betraying hope, sparks in Hyunjin’s chest. If Changbin is telling the truth, does that mean that all hope isn’t lost? But he can’t afford to hope when another rejection would crush him.

“You really think so?” Hyunjin asks, more hopeful by the second despite trying not to be. He only sees what Felix allows him to see, but Changbin sees what Felix hides from him.

“Hey, I know you’re not great with facial expressions, but I’m great. I know how he looks at you.” Changbin says playfully, but still serious somehow. Hyunjin almost feels dizzy when he realizes that Changbin really means it. Has Felix’s feelings really not changed? Does that mean that he didn’t completely ruin it? Is there actually hope to get him back?

If there is so much as a sliver of hope left, Hyunjin has to fight for the person he loves. He will back off if Felix tells him to, but he won’t make the same mistake twice.

“Are you gonna stay up here and get frost bite?” Changbin stands up, towering over Hyunjin despite his short stature. Hyunjin keeps staring out of the gap, seeing the sun peeking through a few clouds. The sun feels brighter than it has in weeks.

“It isn’t that cold.” Hyunjin says, but his body shivers, betraying him. “I don’t know how else to be left alone.” He adds. There are so many people inside, and he can’t hide from them anywhere else. Besides, he really needs a moment to think about Changbin’s revelation.

“Alright, well, I’m not interested in losing any fingers.” Changbin says before heading back to the door. The heavy door slides open with a croak and falls shut with a loud bang that seems to echo around the roof.

Then it’s silent again, and his thoughts run wild. This time they’re tinted with hope and longing, like a gravitational pull trying to push them together. It is so strong that he wonders if Felix can feel it too.

- { >< } -

Hyunjin’s fingers have gone numb by the time the door opens again. He buries them in his pockets, but his jacket feels just as cold. Still, he hopes that Changbin isn’t back to take him inside. Nothing can make him move from this spot, even though he’s so cold that he has stopped shivering.

“Hyunjin, are you here?” The voice is both comforting and painful to hear. Hyunjin closes his eyes against the pain, willing it down before putting on a softer expression and facing Felix. “There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He looks relieved, like he was really worried.

“Sorry.” Hyunjin feels bad for worrying him, that wasn’t his intention. “I left a note.” He adds, remembering the piece of paper tucked under Felix’s pillow.

“Where?” Felix asks cluelessly. Hyunjin just shakes his head, it doesn’t matter now. Felix comes over to him and sits down at his side, shivering and wrapping his jacket tighter around himself. “It’s freezing!” He exclaims, rubbing his hands together as if trying to heat them up with the friction.

“It isn’t that bad.” Hyunjin shrugs. He looks back through the gap in the concrete, seeing the sun creeping toward the horizon. The sky is starting to take on pink and orange hues, and it will get much colder soon.

“Are you okay?” Felix asks, voice soft in such a familiar way that Hyunjin almost starts crying again. He knows that he is the reason for them not being together, but he can’t move on. It only gets harder every day, pretending that he is satisfied with only being friends. Of course, it is better than nothing, but it is so far from enough.

Felix must see the emotion on his face because no more than a few seconds pass before he’s pulled into a warm hug. Hyunjin melts into it, pressing his face into Felix’s shoulder and sneaking his hands into Felix’s pockets, desperately searching for warmth.

“I couldn’t- everyone had their- I was just so alone.” Hyunjin stumbles over his words, struggling to explain everything he feels. Maybe this is loneliness, feeling alone despite being surrounded by people. His parents abandoned him, and he lost Felix, and he felt like the only one in the room who had no one. Tears tighten in his throat again, and he’s too drained to fight them.

“I hoped your parents would come too.” Felix says softly against his ear, understanding what Hyunjin is trying to say. Hyunjin is suddenly angry, because his parents are so far out of the picture that he never thought they were coming. They haven’t given him a single reason to believe that they still care.

“But that’s just it. I didn’t hope for it.” Hyunjin says, balling his numb hands into fists inside Felix’s pockets. He buries his face further into his chest, not wanting to show the tears glistening on his cheeks. “I already knew that they wouldn’t come. I haven’t heard from them in…” He trails off, time moves differently in BPH. It has been ten months, but it feels like much longer. It feels like years.

“You were still disappointed.” Felix’s tone softens, dripping with empathy. Hyunjin has to remind himself that Felix only has his perfect family because he got a second chance. He might understand better than anyone how Hyunjin feels.

“They’re still my… family, I guess.” Hyunjin struggles to call them family, it doesn’t feel like a word they deserve. He has lived in such a bubble in here, it was easy to ignore how he felt about them. But today forced him to confront how abandoned he feels.

“Of course, you are always going to hope that they will change. And some people do change, but most of us end up really disappointed.” Felix says. The pain in his voice makes Hyunjin pull back, searching Felix’s face for a sign of who he is talking about. He really hopes that Felix doesn’t mean the hurt Hyunjin caused, or that he can’t change.

“Is that how you feel? A-about your birth parents, I mean.” Hyunjin asks, stuttering slightly when he realizes how close they’re sitting. They couldn’t get any closer, pressed up against each other like it’s the most natural thing in the world. He sees Felix’s sad expression before he covers it up with a tight smile.

“Not anymore. But I used to dream of them showing up to take me home. It took a while for me to realize that family didn’t have to be blood, and blood didn’t have to be family.” Felix says, sending Hyunjin into another spiral of thoughts. His parents don’t deserve to be called his family, and they don’t have to be just because they’re his blood.

Instead, Hyunjin gets to choose who his family is. And Felix is a good place to start, even if they will never be what they were. He will probably get over his feelings at some point, and he will be satisfied with being friends. A few weeks isn’t that long to mend a broken heart; hopefully months or years will make a bigger difference.

“So what- you’re my chosen family?” Hyunjin doesn’t realize the weight of his words until he sees Felix’s reaction. His expression softens and he looks like he’s in pain. Hyunjin worries that he said something wrong, but Felix is quick to cover up with another bright smile.

“I could be like your brother.” Felix says, quietly like it takes too much effort to speak any louder. Does this hurt him too? Why else would it hurt him to call Hyunjin a brother?

“Brother? I really hoped I wasn’t like a brother to you.” Hyunjin says weakly, remembering the first time they were on this roof and Felix said something similar after Hyunjin compared him to a parent. “I mean, Jeongin and Yongbok are like my baby brothers, and Chan hyung feels like the older brother I never had, and hopefully Minho hyung wants to be too, but you…” He trails off, not sure how to word what he wants Felix to be.

“What did you want me to be?” Felix’s voice is barely above a whisper. Something is moving between them, Hyunjin can feel it. Like electricity flowing between them and pulling them together.

“I don’t know.” Hyunjin whispers, his eyes landing on Felix’s lips. He doesn’t bother trying to look away, he can never hide his feelings anyway. It must be written all over his face, and not just because he’s staring at Felix’s kissable lips.

“I think you do know.” Felix presses, his own eyes flickering between Hyunjin’s eyes and lips. It doesn’t seem like a stretch to say that Felix feels the electricity too, or that he feels the same way.

“I don’t want to pressure you into anything.” Hyunjin says. He meant it when he said that he would wait, he will give Felix all the time he needs to figure out if he can forgive him. “I understand if I broke it forever, but I just want you to know that I’ve thought a lot about my mistakes.”

“Yeah?” Felix prompts, his voice light in a way Hyunjin hasn’t heard in a while. There’s hope behind his eyes, like Hyunjin’s next words are vital for how they will move on. The pressure is nerve-wracking, but Hyunjin has thought enough about this to know exactly what to say.

“I have learned a lot from this. I know that I made it a lot worse than it had to be- it probably wouldn’t have been that bad if I had just told you right away. Hanie would still hurt you the same, but I wouldn’t make it worse. I would’ve been there to support you through it. I wish I could go back and do things differently, to do it the right way.” Hyunjin says honestly, barely having to think about his words.

“How can you convince me that it won’t happen again?” Felix asks, an intense look on his face. It is as if he is begging Hyunjin to say the right thing, to convince him, and to fix what has been broken. Hyunjin hopes that he is able to say the right thing, but he won’t make promises he can’t keep.

“It isn’t up to me to decide what you need to know. It involved you, so you had the right to know, and I made it worse every moment I decided not to tell you. And I know the damage I caused, which is why even today, I couldn’t leave the dining hall until I had told you that I would. And I left a note under your pillow so you would know where to find me. I couldn’t stand making you worry that something was wrong if I left without a word.

“I try to tell you everything now. I probably tell you too much actually, but I would rather overcommunicate than make you feel like I shut you out again. I don’t always understand when I need to tell you something, so it seems safer to tell you everything. I am doing everything in my power to prevent this from happening again, and that is all I can promise you.” Hyunjin is out of breath when he finishes, having barely stopped to take a breath in his rush to get everything out in the right order.

“Hyunjin, I…” Felix halts, looking down for a moment before meeting his eyes again. There is such a deep longing behind them, and all Hyunjin can do is return the feeling. He hopes Felix feels how much he has learned and changed, and how much he still cares for and loves him, how much he wishes that what he broke can be fixed.

“I forgive you.” Felix’s voice is barely above a whisper, his eyes wide. Hyunjin has to work hard to hold himself back, not wanting to feel the relief yet if Felix doesn’t really mean it.

“Don’t say that for my sake. I can be patient.” Hyunjin says. He will wait for years if that’s what Felix needs. It has to be genuine, or they’ll ignore a problem that will fester and grow like an infection between them.

“I’m not,” Felix is quick to say. “I truly feel this in my heart of hearts. I have already forgiven you. I realized it a few days ago, but I wanted to be sure before saying anything.” That doesn’t sound like a spur of the moment thing, Felix really took time to think about this.

“And you are sure now? Really, truly sure?” Hyunjin needs to be certain. Felix nods, looking at Hyunjin with the same love and adoration that he used to. Hyunjin almost gasps out loud, he never thought he would see that look again and he desperately missed it.

“I couldn’t be more sure.” Felix smiles. “We all forgave you, I was actually last.” Hyunjin gives himself a moment to take it in, they all forgave him. It matters more than he can put into words because his actions hurt all of them.

“I don’t think I deserve to be forgiven.” Hyunjin can’t help but argue. He isn’t sure that what he did should be forgiven.

“Too bad,” Felix’s voice takes on a playful tone. “I can’t control how I feel.” It feels like there’s a deeper meaning behind his words, daring Hyunjin to ask what he means.

“How do you feel?” Hyunjin feels safe enough to ask. Felix smiles shyly, looking down for a moment.

“I don’t think we hide our feelings very well,” Felix starts, leading up to something. “Rachel asked if you’re my boyfriend after you left.” He looks like he’s holding back a laugh, and Hyunjin can’t understand why. Is the idea funny to him? Has he already moved on? He might have forgiven Hyunjin, but that doesn’t mean that he wants what they used to have.

“What did you tell her?” Hyunjin’s voice is weak, both scared and impatient for the answer. Felix opens his mouth as if to reply, but closes it again, shaking his head before trying again.

“Why didn’t you want to be my brother?” Felix asks rather than replying. Hyunjin swallows thickly, suddenly nervous. This moment reminds him so much of their first kiss, nervousness and shyness making them stumble over their words, scared of admitting what they wanted.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hyunjin avoids answering too. He is terrified of pressuring Felix into something he isn’t ready for.

“I told Rachel that I hoped you were my boyfriend.” Felix admits, his eyes crinkling with the smile that spreads on his face. Hyunjin swallows thickly, heart suddenly hammering in his chest.

“Brothers can’t kiss.” Hyunjin says, his voice shaking slightly with nerves. Could this be the moment he has waited for?

“I don’t want you to be my brother either.” Felix says, his eyes flicking down to Hyunjin’s lips in a way that makes Hyunjin’s breath stutter in his throat.

“Are you saying-?” Hyunjin doesn’t know how to ask, still so scared of asking for too much. Felix chuckles nervously, the roses in his cheeks deepening.

“Am I not obvious enough?” Felix asks, tilting his head adorably. “I want you to be my boyfriend, and I really want you to kiss me.”

“I can do that.” Hyunjin is quick to agree. Nerves threaten to choke him, feeling like they’re doing this for the very first time. He shifts closer to Felix, slowly leaning in. He isn’t sure if he’s savouring the moment, or still waiting for Felix to decide that he isn’t ready yet. But then Felix surges forward and connects their lips.

Hyunjin feels like he is floating, his entire body singing with the feeling of Felix’s lips against his own. They are so warm, breathing life back into Hyunjin’s icy skin. They move together effortlessly, easily finding the rhythm they’re so used to. It takes all of Hyunjin’s restraint not to climb into Felix’s lap and deepen the kiss.

A chill wracks through Hyunjin, reminding him of the cold and Felix pulls back enough to smile, looking right into Hyunjin’s eyes. It feels like Hyunjin is laid bare, having nowhere to hide when Felix is seeing his soul, but he likes it that way. He even missed it.

Their lips connect again, as effortlessly as breathing. Hyunjin’s face feels hot, the heat runs down his throat and chest, reaching for his heart. As their lips move together, he feels all the cracks in his heart disappearing, as if they were never there. They only separate when Hyunjin’s lungs beg for air.

“I missed that so much.” Felix mumbles, eyes still closed like he’s soaking in the feeling. Hyunjin leans in for another quick kiss, earning a surprised sound that is like music to his ears. Their lips stay connected for longer than feels natural for a peck, but he can’t make himself pull away for a long moment. Felix smiles softly, looking as high on the kiss as Hyunjin feels.

“You know, you are my family. But not like we could be related, more like you’re a very important person to me and I want to keep you close for as long as I can.” Felix says softly. It feels like much more than a love confession. It is a promise, a desire to never let anything keep them apart again.

“You are all the family I need.” Hyunjin says, and he hopes that he can mean it someday. It’s not that Felix isn’t more than enough, it’s just that he doesn’t know when it will stop hurting to think of his parents. But he is certain that Felix will be enough someday, he will be everything Hyunjin could ever want or need.

“I think this belongs to me.” Felix says, grabbing Hyunjin’s icy hand and sliding the white ring off his finger. Hyunjin smiles when it finds its place on Felix’s thumb, where it belongs. He might get Felix his own set when they get out of this place, but for now he likes that their matching rings are two halves of a whole.

“We should get off this roof now, you are turning blue.” Felix chuckles, lifting Hyunjin’s hands to blow warm air at them. It feels so nice that Hyunjin’s eyes slide shut for a moment, revelling in how warm Felix always feels.

“I’m not that cold.” Hyunjin protests weakly. It can’t be convincing with how cold he feels. His hands and feet feel like blocks of ice, and his nose might fall off soon.

“Sure, Rudolph.” Felix chuckles, tapping Hyunjin’s nose as if to prove his point. His finger is so warm that Hyunjin chases after it. Maybe he should go inside before he gets frost bite. It doesn’t seem as scary with Felix by his side.

Chapter Text

[Epilogue]

- Week 27 -

- {   Felix   } -

Felix is sitting at his desk trying to read, but he isn’t succeeding. His eyes move over the words, but he doesn’t absorb any of them. He usually can’t read without music because his thoughts are so distracting, but he can’t find his iPod. So he has nothing to keep him from thinking about Seungmin leaving this morning, and how it reminded Felix that Hyunjin’s time at BPH is coming to an end as well.

Seungmin’s leaving snuck up on them, Felix didn’t even realize how much time had passed until he suddenly had a Leaving Day. Felix has been here for six whole months, which means that Hyunjin has been here for a year, and he turned eighteen last month, so it’s only a matter of time before he gets a Leaving Day too.

Felix gives up on his book and moves over to his bed, throwing himself down on top of the sheets. As if on cue, Hyunjin comes through the door a moment later with a nervous smile on his face and Felix’s iPod in his hands. That’s where the iPod had gone, he should have known.

“I have a surprise for you.” Hyunjin says, sitting beside Felix and starting to untangle the earbud wire. Felix watches his frustration with the wire but doesn’t offer help, finding the tongue peeking out from between his lips too adorable.

“What?” Felix asks curiously when Hyunjin doesn’t say anything else. He keeps untangling the wire for a moment, only speaking once it’s free.

“We always listen to your music, right? And I love it so much, I was thinking that maybe you would want to know what kind of music I listen to. So I added some songs to your iPod.” Hyunjin hesitates around the words like he isn’t sure that it’s a good idea anymore.

“Really? How?” Felix says excitedly, wondering how on earth he managed that. He is curious about what music Hyunjin likes; he hasn’t even heard of most of the bands Hyunjin has mentioned loving.

“Changbin hyung helped me,” Hyunjin explains. “I wanted to make you a mixtape, but we don’t have a CD player in our room, so he suggested I added it as a playlist on your iPod. Or he added it, last night after work.” He seems less nervous after seeing Felix’s excitement, handing the iPod over with a smile.

“That is such a sweet gift, I love it, thank you.” Felix leans in for a quick kiss, holding the iPod to his chest. He would never have thought of the idea, but he isn’t surprised that Hyunjin did. He is so creative and determined once he has his mind set on something.

“You haven’t heard any of the songs yet.” Hyunjin points out, but Felix doesn’t have to hear the songs to love the gift. Even if he hates the music, the thought is so sweet that he can’t stop smiling.

“Show me.” Felix says, handing the iPod back before plopping one of the earbuds into his ear. Hyunjin pulls up the playlist, titled ‘Mixtape’ and presses play. Felix leans against the wall and closes his eyes, focusing solely on the music playing in his ear.

He wonders if Hyunjin picked songs he thought Felix would like from his favourite bands. He can hear that the bands fit in the general rock or alternative genre, something Felix usually stays away from because it’s too noisy, but he loves every song in Hyunjin’s playlist. And it means so much more knowing that Hyunjin loves them too, that he’s sharing a piece of himself through the songs.

The playlist ends too soon, leaving them in silence. Felix opens his eyes to see Hyunjin looking expectantly at him and realizes that they somehow ended up laying on top of each other, all tangled up and pressed together. He doesn’t remember moving, but they always seem to end up like this.

“My only complaint is that it wasn’t longer.” Felix says, and Hyunjin smiles in satisfaction. He knows how much music means to Hyunjin, and he wants to hear every song he loves, but he will settle for these ten songs until he has access to Spotify again.

“Do you want to go to the roof and watch the sunset?” Hyunjin asks softly. Felix smiles at how he avoids answering, never knowing what to say to compliments, even indirect ones. Glancing out of the window, Felix sees that the sparse clouds in the sky are already starting to turn a light pink colour. He doesn’t know where the entire day went.

“I would love to.” Felix agrees. They untangle from each other and get dressed, glad that it’s finally spring. They don’t have to wear jackets outside anymore, and probably won’t need them until the sun goes down, but they tie them around their waists just in case.

Going to the roof isn’t as risky now that they know that Changbin knows where they are, but they still make sure that no one else sees them slipping through the back door. Changbin isn’t supposed to let them go, but he turns a blind eye. If only he knew all the places they have snuck into, he might not be as lenient with the rules.

By the time they reach the roof, the sky is a brighter pink fading into orange at the horizon. The warm glow makes Hyunjin’s skin look like gold, almost glimmering where it reflects off his cheekbones and the tip of his nose. Even after six months, Felix is still rendered speechless by his ethereal beauty. His skin still tingles when Hyunjin takes his hand in his own, intertwining their fingers.

They walk to the edge of the roof, leaning on the fence and looking out at the city just like they did all those months ago when they first came up here. There will be a day where Felix comes up here alone, when someone else inhabits the other side of his room, and all he has to remind him of Hyunjin are his memories and the drawings he leaves behind.

When it is Hyunjin’s turn to leave, Felix won’t just lose his friend like he did today, he’ll lose his other half. His safety and comfort will leave through the gates, and so much can change in six months. If they spend that much time apart, Hyunjin might not be waiting when Felix comes home. He has no doubt that they are meant to be together, but that much distance seems like a death sentence to any relationship.

“You know Seungmin will be okay, right?” Hyunjin says softly, catching onto Felix’s silence. But Felix isn’t worried about Seungmin. He’s glad that Seungmin doesn’t have to spend another day here, and he knows that they will get in contact once they’re all back in Seoul. The problem is that saying goodbye to him made it too easy to imagine saying goodbye to Hyunjin.

“I know.” Felix says absentmindedly. He shouldn’t get ahead of himself; Hyunjin is still here, and he hasn’t said anything about leaving soon. But what if he doesn’t know that he’s leaving? His Leaving Day could sneak up on them too.

“I love how much you care, but I hate seeing you so tortured over this. I know his parents don’t accept him, but they aren’t a danger to him. He will be safe.” Hyunjin continues. Felix hadn’t even thought about that, and now he feels bad for not thinking of his friend’s safety. His head has just been too full of Hyunjin leaving.

“I’m not worried about him.” Felix admits. He has tried to imagine BPH without Hyunjin, and he has told himself countless times that it will be fine, but he doesn’t believe it. Hyunjin is his safety and comfort, his support person and biggest cheerleader. Going months without him feels impossible.

“Then what has you so sad?” Hyunjin asks, making Felix aware of the burning in his throat. He doesn’t try to fight the tears, but they don’t come. They sit like a congestion in his chest and behind his face, making it hard to breathe.

“You,” Felix says, and Hyunjin frowns. “I mean, you’ve been here for a year, and you’re eighteen now. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have you.” He explains. He swallows thickly, suddenly terrified of the answer. What if Hyunjin is leaving? Maybe he has even told them, but Felix wasn’t fronting and no one told him. He has no doubt that Chan or Minho would keep it from him to protect him.

“Oh, Lix, I thought we already talked about this,” Hyunjin says exactly what Felix feared. He feels like the breath has been knocked out of him. “I’m not leaving yet.” Hyunjin continues, laying a hand on Felix’s chest in a reminder to breathe.

“You’re not?” Felix struggles to understand. He had himself so convinced that Hyunjin was leaving, it’s hard to wrap his head around another option. Hyunjin doesn’t have to stay now that he’s eighteen, but he doesn’t have to leave either, he is allowed to stay until the end of the year.

“No, I… don’t want to,” Hyunjin starts. Felix doesn’t ask any of his thousand questions, giving him time to figure out what to say on his own. “I don’t think it would help me to go back to my parents and Doctor Song agrees, so she’s vouching for me to stay a while longer. Changbin hyung agrees too.” He explains thoughtfully.

“For how long?” Felix asks, still not sure he understands. He thought Hyunjin was excited to leave after his birthday, but come to think of it, he hasn’t mentioned leaving since Family Day.

“I don’t know,” Hyunjin shrugs. “I’ve kind of been imagining us leaving together, when your time comes. That should give me enough time to find somewhere to live.” He tries not to show it, but Felix can see that it hurts to feel like he doesn’t have a home to go back to. Felix wishes that he could take away that pain, but nothing in the world is strong enough to erase something like that.

“Are you going to live alone?” Felix asks without really thinking about what he’s saying. The words Hyunjin isn’t leaving are on a loop in his head, leaving little thought for anything else.

“What other option do I have? I can’t go back home, and you know how I feel about roommates.” Hyunjin says with a shrug that does nothing to hide the pain behind his words. It seems terrifying to live alone in a big city when he’s still so young. Felix knows that people do it all the time, but most people don’t have Hyunjin’s challenges.

“Why don’t you come live with me?” Felix blurts out. He didn’t know that he was going to say anything until the words left his mouth. He turns his attention inward, but no one is bleeding into his thoughts. This was all Felix, blurting things out without thinking and without anyone else to blame.

“Like with your family? That seems kind of terrifying.” Hyunjin misunderstands. Felix was not suggesting that; he understands that moving in with Felix’s parents and sisters would be too much for him.

“No, like…” Felix hesitates, suddenly shy. It might be a crazy idea. “Like getting our own place.” He clarifies. Saying it out loud, he realizes how much he wants it. A place that is just their own, where they can start a real life together.

“You really think we could do that?” Hyunjin asks with hope in his voice. He even looks a little excited, and his excitement is contagious.

“We will both be eighteen soon, so what could stop us?” Felix reasons. He wonders when he got so mature. He still felt like a child six months ago, and now he’s ready to move out and be independent. It is wild to suddenly want things that used to scare him.

“Money, for one.” Hyunjin points out. Felix doesn’t really have an answer for that. He doubts that a job at a convenience store will pay for a place in Seoul, even with two incomes, if they’re even able to get a job in the first place. Another issue is whether they would be able to hold down a job, neither of them handled school before coming to BPH.

“We have time to figure that out.” Felix says, not wanting anything to ruin his excitement. Realistically, they might not be able to go straight from BPH to their own place, but it is a goal that makes him want to look at the future for the first time in what feels like forever.

“But…” Hyunjin falters, looking out at the setting sun. Felix knows the look behind those eyes, a deep worry that is usually about something far less realistic than Hyunjin has convinced himself of. “Do you think we’ll still be together?” Hyunjin finally asks.

“What are you overthinking now?” Felix smiles, knowing that Hyunjin isn’t asking because he doesn’t want them to be together. Hyunjin sighs, leaning in for a soft kiss, a promise that they’re okay.

“I know I’m overthinking it, but it’s so hard to imagine our lives out there, you know?” Hyunjin says, gesturing out at the city. Felix almost can’t remember life before BPH, but he knows that it wasn’t anything like what life after will be. It excites him to think of all the possibilities, how many directions his life can go in.

“It can be hard for me to imagine too, just like everything else I haven’t done before. I only know us here, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be us there.” Felix says, but Hyunjin’s worry doesn’t seem to ease. He’s frowning at the view, the sky a few shades darker. It always surprises Felix how fast the sun sets.

“I guess I worry because we live in such a bubble in here. It is almost like an alternate universe, where the rules of the world don’t apply, and we don’t have to worry about normal things. But what if it will be too hard in the real world? I mean, I love you, but what if we can’t make it work out there?” Hyunjin mutters while wringing his hands together. There it is; the root cause of his worries.

“I would argue that it’s harder in here than in the real world.” Felix counters, pausing to give himself a moment to gather his thoughts. “We live on top of each other here, never getting any distance or breaks that are often needed and healthy in relationships. And we might not have normal worries, but I think that our worries are worse in many ways.

“We found each other at the hardest times of our lives, putting more strain on our new relationships than most relationships get in years. If we can get through that, what is a little normal-life stress?” Felix sees Hyunjin’s shoulders drop, his face relaxing, and a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“When you put it like that…” Hyunjin trails off. He grabs Felix’s hands, swinging their arms back and forth in the space between them. Felix knows that Hyunjin hasn’t completely let it go yet. Working through his overthinking is like peeling an onion, and he will need time to process what Felix said in order to peel back all the layers before he can fully relax.

“There are certainly different challenges out there, but that doesn’t mean that it will be harder. We might need to adjust a little, but I think we’ve been through enough to figure it out together.” Felix adds. He’s sure that they will change, everything in life constantly changes, and he’s excited to see how great they can be without having to hide or hold back their feelings.

“So, the two of us together? Where?” Hyunjin suddenly looks excited, bringing back Felix’s own excitement as well. Imagining them living together makes him smile so widely that his cheeks hurt.

“Where do you want to go?” Felix asks, more interested in Hyunjin’s thoughts than his own. Besides, he would go anywhere, follow Hyunjin anywhere in the world.

“I have no idea.” Hyunjin says dramatically. Felix laughs at his bewildered expression. It isn’t surprising that he finds all the possibilities overwhelming, but Felix finds it thrilling. He is free to make his life exactly how he wants it to be.

“How exciting.” Felix says. They can live in the city, in the country, in the woods, at the beach, in Korea, in another country, anywhere they want.

“Isn’t it terrifying?” Hyunjin widens his eyes, smiling nervously. Felix cups Hyunjin’s face in his hands and presses their lips together in a slow and soft kiss that almost makes him forget what he was going to say.

“We could go anywhere we want, do anything we want, be who we want to be.” Felix says. It has always been exhilarating to be with Hyunjin, and he can only imagine how much more intense that feeling will be when they’re free to make their own decisions. There won’t be any hope guides watching over their shoulders or teens scrutinizing their every move. It will just be the two of them, nothing else will matter.

“That does sound kind of nice.” Hyunjin admits, mirroring his smile before pulling him into another deep and slow kiss that makes Felix forget about time and space. He wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s neck and pulls him impossibly close, mind blanking as their lips slide together.

When they pull apart a few minutes later, Felix needs a moment to catch his breath and gather his thoughts while his racing heart calms down. His skin feels tingly everywhere Hyunjin is touching him, making it nearly impossible to calm down.

“I have thought about going back to school, get my degree.” Felix says once he can think again. He doesn’t know how realistic it is, but he loves dreaming too much to care. Someday he will be stable and healthy enough to handle school or a job, it doesn’t matter how far away it is.

“A degree in what?” Hyunjin prompts, sounding as out of breath as Felix feels. His chest is heaving like he can’t quite calm down either.

“I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but I want to help people. Like Changbin hyung.” Felix says. He is okay with not knowing all of the details yet. For now, he is enjoying how open the possibilities are.

“You would be a great Changbin.” Hyunjin says confidently. Felix laughs at his wording, but he likes the thought of working somewhere like this, helping teens like Changbin helped him.

“What do you dream about?” Felix asks, curious about Hyunjin’s thought of the future. He doesn’t expect there to be much, but he knows that there has to be something Hyunjin thinks about, even if it feels impossible.

“I don’t know. It seems too daunting to think that far ahead.” Hyunjin shakes his head in uncertainty, but Felix is determined to pull it out of him. It is just daydreams, they aren’t committing to anything by saying it out loud.

“What if there were no limitations or challenges? If the world was perfect, and you could do anything you wanted?” Felix asks. Hyunjin pulls his thinking face, eyes finding the sky while his mouth hangs open and his brows furrow. Felix waits patiently, using the moment to study every little detail of Hyunjin’s face.

“Maybe I’d be an interior designer or an architect,” Hyunjin eventually says. “I want to do something creative, but I don’t want art to be my job.” He explains. Felix didn’t know that he was interested in those things. He loves that he is still learning things about Hyunjin, and he hopes that he never runs out of things to learn.

“Why not? You love art.” Felix asks out of curiosity. He would have thought that Hyunjin dreamt of art exhibitions, doing commissions, or being hired for illustrations, anything to be able to draw full-time.

“I’m scared that making it my job will take the joy out of it. If I have to do it, to meet deadlines and make money, it doesn’t sound very fun, and I would probably burn out.” Hyunjin says. Felix hadn’t thought of it from that perspective, he never wants Hyunjin to lose his love of art.

“I can understand that.” Felix smiles, “So, a social worker and an architect.” He says, testing how the words feel in his mouth. It might not be what they end up doing, but it’s one version of the limitless possible futures, and it’s fun to fantasize.

“It sounds so grown up.” Hyunjin points out. Felix laughs, because he’s right. They’re talking about adult things. Things that he didn’t have the capacity to think about just six short months ago.

“It is grown up. We’re about to be adults. Actually, you already are.” Felix chuckles at the playful horror crossing Hyunjin’s face.

“Are you calling me old?” Hyunjin jokes, digging his fingers into Felix’s sides, right where it tickles. Felix folds in half, slapping a hand over his mouth so no one in the yard below will hear him cry out in laughter. Hyunjin quickly shows him mercy, retreating his hands and allowing Felix to stand back up.

A comfortable silence settles over them as they turn to look out at the darkening sky. The sun is dipping below the horizon, turning the sky a deep pink and purple with its last rays. It is the most beautiful sunset Felix has seen from this roof.

Getting lost in thought, Felix remembers the first time they came up here; it is the first clear memory he has from BPH. He spots the window with the colourful led-lights and remembers their conversation, as clearly as if it happened today.

He recalls how Hyunjin worried about being a negative influence, and Felix told him that he had never felt safer with anyone before. That still rings true. Hyunjin has made some mistakes along the way, but he more than made up for it, and he never did anything that outweighed the good. He hasn’t made another mistake after the big fight, and Felix doesn’t fear that he will either.

They have found their own way to communicate well since then. Hyunjin quickly got exhausted from telling Felix every little detail of his mind, but they found a balance. Rather than putting all the responsibility on one of them, Felix asks a lot of questions, and Hyunjin answers honestly. Ever since they figured that out, open communication has been the easiest thing in the world.

As he reflects on the past, he can’t help but think about how far he’s come in six months. He was sicker than he realized when he arrived, having no clue what was happening to him or how to handle the scary diagnosis he had been given. He was scared for his life, but he didn’t know why it was in danger. It is hard to understand how he felt now that he looks back at it. When he tries, all that comes to mind is chaos.

Now, he knows who he is and why his mind is so chaotic. It is cliché and a little scary to think about, but he doesn’t think that he would have gotten this far on his healing journey without Hyunjin. He showed Felix, and the other alters, that it is possible to trust and be safe around people.

“I’ve been scared to think about the future, but you make it sound kind of exciting.” Hyunjin breaks the silence. Felix turns to see him leaning on the fence, cheek resting on his folded-up arms. His eyes reflect the light of the sky beautifully.

“Yeah?” Felix prompts, lost for words. He is flooded with adoration for the boy beside him and peace in knowing that he isn’t leaving. He was so scared when they came to the roof, but all of that is gone now.

“It feels like anything is possible. It might not be easy, life isn’t easy, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try. We can find a way to do anything we want.” Hyunjin says thoughtfully, squinting at the last of the sunlight peeking out of the horizon. It will get dark and cold soon, but Felix could happily stay here all night.

“I know that anything is possible as long as you’re by my side.” Felix says. He is looking forward to the future, a feeling he had forgotten existed. He is even impatient for it, wanting to know how it plays out.

“Oh god, that’s so cliché.” Hyunjin whines with a laugh, rolling his eyes. Felix joins his laughter, leaning over to press their lips together while they’re still chuckling.

“You should know by now that I love to say cliché things.” Felix says while tucking Hyunjin’s hair behind his ear. It has gotten so long that he usually wears it in a ponytail to keep it out of his face. Felix loves running his hands through the soft strands when it’s loose.

“I secretly love you for it.” Hyunjin admits, settling back down on his folded arms. Felix copies him, looking out at the darkening sky. The lights of the city are growing more visible by the minute, creating a sea of tiny sparks that look like stars.

As silence settles over them again, Felix’s mind is empty. He doesn’t have anything to worry about, feeling comfortable and calm. He could look at the lights for hours, squinting his eyes to make them blur and blend together.

“I think I want to live in Seoul, or at least close by.” Hyunjin whispers, as if he doesn’t want to break the peace of the moment. “I don’t want to be too far from your family.” When Felix turns to look at him, Hyunjin is already looking, their eyes meeting and making butterflies erupt in Felix’s stomach.

“I like that. And maybe one day it will be good to be close to your family too.” Felix says. He knows that Hyunjin doesn’t have a great relationship with his family, but he hopes that it will improve someday. He doesn’t want Hyunjin to have to carry the pain of losing them.

“I will be close to my family,” Hyunjin corrects. “I have four brothers and a boyfriend that I love with my entire being. You’re all I need.” Felix practically melts. He didn’t even expect to make friends when he arrived at PBH, but he got something even better. He got Hyunjin, who doesn’t just love Felix, but all of them.

Chan is like an older brother that Hyunjin goes to if he needs advice and support, and he tries to help Chan too, supporting him through challenging his compulsions. Jeongin is the most like a real brother to Hyunjin, he is great at getting Jeongin out of his shell, but they annoy and tease each other to no end.

Yongbok fronts a lot more than he used to, loving how safe he feels with Hyunjin, and Hyunjin is amazing at allowing him to be a kid. Even Minho who was never going to get close to anyone calls Hyunjin his friend, and he has the same sharp humour with him that he previously only showed to the alters.

“And you call me cliché?” Felix jokes before softening. “I love you too.” He adds, pulling Hyunjin into another kiss, one he hopes portrays how incredibly grateful he is for him. When they pull apart, Felix reaches into Hyunjin’s hoodie pocket, finding the pen he always keeps there. Hyunjin takes it with a smile and reaches for Felix’s hand.

Watched the sunset and talked about the future

He never writes his own name anymore; they all know exactly who the notes come from. Felix smiles at the words before taking the pen from Hyunjin. He doesn’t put it away this time, instead reaching for Hyunjin and pulling up the sleeve of his hoodie. He presses the tip of the pen against Hyunjin’s skin, mirroring what Hyunjin has done so many times before, and starts writing.

You are our home