Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Carina stepped aside to let Maya into her home, fingers curled tight around the handle to steady herself. Her grasp on reality had started to slip earlier in the morning when she found herself sprawled out under Maya’s weight on her chest. She watched as the hair that had fallen across her face fluttered with each open-mouth breath, her fingers tracing the path of her bare spine. She counted them, memorizing the topographic nodules. Outside, the sun had already started to rise, tinting the sky with blistering oranges and pinks. The clouds seemed content to swim in the colors, spilling out as far as the window allowed her to see.

How had she ever gone a single day without waking up to Maya? Waking up and knowing she had nowhere to be—nowhere to run off to—and simply being able to bask in the security that only ever came from Maya’s arms.

Maya stirred, tightening her grip long before she was even alert enough to realize what she was doing. Carina couldn’t help but smile and hold her closer. She didn’t have it in her to disturb those last tendrils of sleep. Not when she knew how precious they were.

“You’re really here,” Maya whispered, her lips tickling Carina’s chest.

“I’m still here.”

“I thought you were a dream.”

“I’m real, uccellino. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

Maya grew heavier, as if all she needed was to hear those words. “I don’t want you to go home.”

“Come with me,” and that was how Carina found herself watching Maya take in the details of a house she never thought Maya would see.

“It’s very you.”

“Why do you say that?” Carina shut the door and bolted it out of habit.

“It just does. I don’t know if I can explain it.” Maya glanced back at her over her shoulder. “It just does.”

Carina stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Maya’s waist from behind, and rested her head on her shoulder. Maya’s hands closed over her own, pulling her tighter.

“Is there anything you’d like to eat?”

“Anything you want.”

“I think I have some ideas.”

“French toast?” Maya smiled brightly with that same childlike wonder that always left Carina rolling her eyes. The same wonder Andrea had and then passed down to Liam.

“French toast.”

Maya never strayed very far as Carina cooked. She stood nearby, cleaning up messes as Carina went. She was content to simply be present, watching every movement in their mutual silence. Most of their moments had been full of silence. So many equated time spent with another with endless conversation, where with Maya, the expectation—the need—had never been there. They could carry a million conversations without a single sentence uttered, and the more time Carina spent with her, the easier the silence became. She had forgotten it somewhere along the way, and now she was witnessing her mind dusting off the memory and handing them all back one by one.

The rest of the day went by without them. Time bound forward with reckless abandon, impervious to the pair as they laughed on the couch over the first time Maya played golf and was so many points over par that she never picked up a club again. Or the time she swam in the Pacific Ocean and got tangled up in seaweed just off the shore so badly she was convinced an octopus had gotten her.

Stories had begun to pour out of them—slow and then all at once. It wasn’t until the wee hours of the evening, both naked and flushed on the living room floor, that either noticed just how high the moon had risen without them.

“She came up without us.”

“She did.” Carina pulled a blanket from the nearby leather chair and covered them up.

Maya wrapped her in her arms, letting Carina tuck her leg in between Maya’s and nuzzle into the warmth of her hairline. She didn’t rush her in her search for comfort. It wasn’t until Carina let out a sigh that she finally spoke. “Do I have to leave?”

“No.” Carina dug her fingertips into the curve of Maya’s shoulder. “Stay.”

“Okay.”

Carina already found herself regretting not calling into work the next morning in favor of spending the rest of the day tangled up with Maya. She had dropped her off in front of the house not an hour prior, having to pry her hand out of Maya’s for fear of never holding it again. They had parted with a promise to meet up afterwards, and Maya sent her away with a soft kiss to the palm of each hand and gentle eyes.

No one noticed the change in her as she slid down into her desk chair at the small family medical practice. They came and went with their own lives at the center of their focus. Didn’t they know that the love of her life had shown up and burst down a million self-constructed walls? Didn’t they know she had somewhere else she would rather be?

She had been with the company nearly three years, though she found it ironic that the first employer ended up being in the medical field, though she only completed clerical work. It had provided her with a sense of freedom and stability she had come to rely on. It had taken a fair bit of pleading and placating to earn her spot on the staff. It turned out ‘housewife’ being the only employment written on a resume was not a solid way of obtaining a job.

Would it be as difficult to find a job in Seattle? What if she never did? She knew nothing of Seattle other than that it was close to the ocean. No part of her wanted to become Maya’s problem. She had watched finances tear families apart faster than they could put themselves back together. Her mind marched back into a prison left over by Owen. He held his paycheck over her head. He reminded her that she wouldn’t have what she had if it weren’t for him. She was no better than a bill to be paid and another mouth to feed. It didn’t much matter that she had been told to stay home and tend the house. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t see how much work maintaining a home alone could be. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t see how hard it was to take care of everything and a toddler, who wanted attention like every breathing human being.

Carina drew in a strangled breath and attempted to focus when all she really yearned for was home. She wanted to run to Maya. She wanted to throw herself in her strong arms and pour out all of her worries so Maya could kiss each of them away, but how did one convey a fear that was so intimately linked to the person who could fix them?

By the time Carina pulled up in front of Vic’s house, she had nearly worn herself down to the bone. She stared up at the door for a few minutes, pleading with her fear to release the vice grip it had on her mind. She had devoted so many years to pulling herself free of Owen’s grip that sitting with the remnants of his handiwork felt like a cruel twist of karma.

‘It’s okay. Just one more minute.’

Carina pressed her forehead into the steering wheel and drew in a deep breath. She nodded to no one before opening the door and rushing up the stairs. Her feet knew where they wanted to be and who was she to deny them any longer? Not when she knew relief rested somewhere beyond a plane door in a loud house. At least she would for 2 more days.

‘It’s okay.’

She lifted her fist to knock and was immediately greeted by a panting Maya, her face bright with a smile that made Carina’s heart pound.

“Hi,” she breathed, leaning against the rame temporarily before pulling the door wide.

“Did you run?”

“No.” She was clearly lying, and Carina found herself laughing. “What? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Did you miss me that much?”

Maya wrapped one arm around her waist, pulling her back into Maya’s front as she shut the door with the other. “You tell me.”

Carina hummed in bliss, reaching back to cradle Maya’s jaw as she spun to kiss her. She couldn’t stop. Not when Maya whimpered into her open mouth or when they connected with the door or when her body began to shiver under the force of it all. She wanted Maya to swallow her whole.

“You guys have got to stop doing that.”

Carina whirled around, nearly knocking them both to the ground in the process, only to find Vic standing in the hallway with a book in one hand and her glasses in the other.

“Oh, don’t be jealous,” Maya teased, threading her fingers through Carina’s and tugging her away towards the room she’d come to know intimately.

“I’m not jealous,” Vic scoffed, eyes following them. “It’s weird because you are both in your 50s and acting like horny children.”

Maya laughed. “You would be too if you suddenly woke up.”

Carina beamed at Maya. How could she not? Was that how simple it was? Waking up? Was that what her body was doing? She had gone many years without any intimacy, and for the most part, it didn’t phase her. Most of the time, she forgot her body had needs and was grateful for it, and now she could barely contain herself.

“Weirdos,” but Vic was smiling. Carina had grown to understand that Victoria Hughes was anything if not an opinionated feminist. “I’m making tacos if you guys are interested.”

“We’ll be back,” but by the time they found themselves in the kitchen, Vic had long since gone to bed and the house was quiet and dark.

They tiptoed across the lime green linoleum on bare feet, quietly giggling as Maya dug through the refrigerator for left-overs. Carina knew she should be tired; she always went to bed early, but Maya recharged the youth hidden deep in the bone merrow. She would no doubt pay for it the next day, but it did not matter. Not then, not while she swayed with Maya to unheard music in the light spilling out of the open refrigerator. No, she fed Maya stray pieces of fruit from a fruit tray, letting her lick away the juice from her fingertips before pulling her into kiss after kiss.

She would soak their time up and pretend she didn’t have fears or an aging body. That was a problem for future Carina and she refused to live in the what if’s for just one more minute.

“Come with me tomorrow,” Carina panted as Maya broke away from her kiss-swollen lips and buried her face into Carina’s neck. “To Andrea’s.”

She tensed in her arms but made no movement to lift her head. “Will he be okay with that?”

“Yes, uccellino. We’ve talked about you many times. He might not remember on his own, but he knows. You’re still his Ma. No matter how much time has passed.” Carina cradled her closer, scratching at her scalp. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“You promise?”

“Pinky promise.”

“Uccelliino, it’s going to be okay.”

Maya breathed in and let out a whine as she straightened her shirt for the fifth time since she put it on. She had taken the time to press it, much to Carina’s surprise. Maya had never been one to press much of anything after getting out of the military. She had always said it was because she never could get it right, but Carina knew that if it weren’t for the planes, she would have never been there in the first place.

“Amor mio… Relax.” Carina wished she could reach out and cup her face, that she could kiss away the flood of anxiety, but they were standing on the porch in broad daylight. “You’re going to do great. You’ve seen his naked butt. I think you have an upper hand by default.”

Maya scowled, encouraging a laugh out of Carina. There was something about Maya pouting that contradicted the strong human that so often stood in front of her.

“Come on.”

Carina pushed open the door to a cacophony of noise, most of which was coming from Liam, who chose that moment to run out of the living room with a model plane held high over his head. He skittered to a halt the second he noticed Carina, deviating his flight path to throw himself into her legs.

“Nonna! Papa! Nonna’s here!”

Carina swept him up into her arms, though it was growing more difficult with each passing year. He was growing faster than she cared for. Part of her wanted him to stay small forever so she would never have to give up hugging him to her hip.

Liam turned in her arms, eyes darting between herself and Maya—uncertain. “Nonna, who’s dat?”

“That’s Maya. You remember the plane that you like so much?” She nodded towards the door, which Maya quickly shut against the summer heat. “The blue one with the yellow wings?”

His face lit up immediately. “Yeah!”

“That’s Maya’s plane.” Carina winked at Maya, holding Liam close as he wrestled his model plane up for Maya to see.

“Like this one?” He held out the plane for Maya, who took it without question.

Her eyes misted over as she trailed her thumb over the wood much as Carina had the first time she saw it on her night stand.

Maya met her gaze momentarily, her jaw ticking as she sorted through the emotions so clearly painted all over her face. She smiled and held it back out for Liam.

“Do you know what this one is called?”

“Papa said it’s called a slipfire.”

The laughter that rang out of Maya seemed to break the dam that held back her emotions. She nodded, and Carina reached out to brush away the stray tear cutting down her cheek before stroking the damp skin with the back of her fingers. There were a million of things she wanted to say, but she settled on a smile. Maya would know. She always knew.

“Close. It’s a Spitfire.”

“That’s what I said.”

Carina snickered. Some things would never change. She only seemed to have stubborn boys in her life. Stubborn boys who loved planes and wriggling out of arms.

She sat him on the ground and he immediately grabbed at Maya’s hand to drag her towards the living room. “Come on! I gotta show you da o’fers.”

Maya met her gaze as she was yanked away from her. Gone was the fear that had colored her very existence prior to entering Andrea’s house. It had been replaced with something that Carina would never be able to forget. Something intimate and deep. Something that spoke unspoken volumes. Maybe Carina couldn’t give her back time with her son, but she could give her a grandson instead. She could let her have a second chance of sorts. At least for a little while.

Carina leaned against the entryway so she could quietly watch her grandson dump toys into Maya’s lap. Some were crafted from her own hand where others weren’t. Most were planes, which Maya quickly named off for him, a smile plastered to her face as she stared at Liam with something akin to wonder. It was a travesty she couldn’t have raised Andrea in the way she had been privileged to.

“Momma, you made it.” Andrea slipped his arm around her shoulder. “What’s he going on about n–”

He trailed off as he caught sight of who was currently sitting on the couch. His face contorted with an expanse of emotions, and Carina placed her hand on the small of his back for support. She couldn’t know what he was feeling—not deep under the surface—but she had an idea.

“She’s here. You’re allowed to talk to her, you know,” she whispered. “She’s here.”

Andrea squeezed her shoulder and nodded, his lips small. “Thank you, Momma.”

“Go on. You’re safe.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He relaxed his grip on her shoulders and stepped into the room, his movements calculated as he stepped around the back of the couch and took up a spot at the end near Maya—near his Ma.

The smile that spread across Maya’s face was one she would never forget; it started small and steadily grew as the reality of her current situation began to seep into her skin. Carina had expected there to be some harbored resentment—frustration and rage even—but there was none. If it was only for a short time, Carina knew that her whole family was under one roof, willing and able-bodied.

She never in her wildest daydreams believed it would be possible.

“Thank you for bringing her,” Meredith whispered, drying her hands on a dish towel.

Carina could only nod as she swallowed through the gathering lump in her throat. She couldn’t even tear her eyes away from them as Maya and Andrea listened with rapt attention to Liam, afraid that a blink of an eye would destroy the carefully crafted illusion playing out in front of her.

“He’s been talking about her nonstop the last few days.”

“So has she. She missed him more than anyone ever knew.” Her chest caved under the pressure of an exhale. Maya had missed him. She had missed so much. She had missed his first days of school. She had missed the pain of watching him grow out of all of his clothes. She had missed all the laughter. She had missed his first heartbreak and his last day of high school. She had missed him learning to drive on a bumpy backroad where Carina was convinced she would die in a ditch before he ever mastered going in any direction other than reverse. She missed everything, and Carina had been the reason. Maybe not intentionally, but it did little to change the truth. She had chosen what felt right at the time. Maybe it could have been different. Maybe they could have made it. Maybe he would have been safe.

“I couldn’t imagine how she must feel.”

“What do you mean?” Carina said, her voice rough as it cut through the narrow passage of her throat.

“I couldn’t imagine not being able to watch my son grow up. I couldn’t even imagine not seeing him every day even when he’s being an absolute pain in my ass and refusing to go to sleep because I won’t let him take the remote to bed with him.” She rolled her eyes playfully. “We have issues, but I just couldn’t.”

Carina nodded. She did understand on an intimate level. She had watched Andrea. She had seen all of the good and bad days. She had seen all the joys and tantrums. She had soothed all the sickness and sadness.

Her eyes caught on her grandson. He was still so young and impressionable—untouched by the world. Could she leave that behind? Could she stomach not being there to watch the subtle changes that are only visible when present every day? Could she leave her own son behind for the first time in her life? It mattered little that he was grown. He would always be her little boy. He would always be the tiny lighthouse in the unseen storm with his teddy and bedtime stories.

Maya let out a laugh, her hand on Andrea’s shoulder. He was looking at her in the way he had as a boy; she could do no wrong. Carina clenched her jaw as she stepped forward. If she was only promised one more day, she wasn’t going to waste it watching. No, she would be present. They deserved that from her. She deserved that from herself. Having Maya and their son in the same room was a gift.

She kissed the top of Andrea’s head on her way through, his curly hair tickling her nose. He glanced up with a smile. Maya turned her head up in the same way, eyes bright and alive—filled with gratitude. Carina winked and mouthed, ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’

The rest of the day carried away without them, as it had every moment she spent in Maya’s company. Time had shed its bars and chains but it was no less of a prison. There never seemed to be enough time, and with each passing moment, Maya grew more quiet. She still smiled and touched and laughed, but it had stopped reaching her eyes.

Carina could feel the weight of it in her chest, her eyes tracking the outline of Maya’s features as they passed under the streetlamps. She rested her temple against the headrest, letting time take her wherever she felt. The light caught her eye, turning it gray momentarily.

‘How is she so beautiful?’

“Uccellino?”

Maya hummed, briefly glancing towards the passenger seat where Carina rested with her bent knee in the seat and her hair spilling wildly from hours spent running her fingers through it.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

Maya’s lip curled at the edge. “We should probably get your eyes checked.”

“No, they work just fine, unlike yours.”

“Hey, I see what I need to see.” She flashed a smile. Again, it didn’t reach her eyes, but her hand still reached out to rest on her thigh. “I see you.”

“I see you.”

Regardless of how hard Carina tried, she couldn’t get Maya to speak organically. Even after a shower and finding herself sitting back against the headboard on a pile of pillows in a pair of Maya’s boxer shorts and a t-shirt that clung to her bare chest. She knew Maya enough to know the woman yearned to look—to touch—but her eyes were forward on the task at hand.

One folded shirt at a time went into the military duffel bag as she packed away the material dregs of what kept her rooted in Indianapolis. Carina resisted the urge to yank them out of her hands, to upend the bag and to scatter Maya’s clothes to the wind so she had no ability to leave. Had that been how she felt when she helped Carina pack all of those years ago? Had she wanted to burn everything to keep her there for another minute?

Maya zipped her bag, cutting through the silence with a sharp hiss that made Carina flinch involuntarily. She planted her hands on either end, head tipped down just enough to leave her hair hanging like a protective golden curtain around her face. Her shoulders were tense. Carina could see the muscles in her forearms twitch.

Carina knew she was waiting for an answer. She had been putting it off for days as the logic fought tooth and nail her fragile mind. The claws of doubt had latched onto her heart, ripping it open so slowly that she didn’t realize how much she was bleeding until there was nowhere else to go.

Maya lifted the bag with ease and set it on the floor near the door. Carina stared at it like a curse being placed on the room. She knew the next time they walked out, it would be under different pretenses. Stay or go; it didn’t matter. Everything in her life would change.

When Maya’s eyes finally found hers, they were nearing hollow. Her shoulder sagged, arms swinging limp at her sides. She seemed to stare right through her as if searching for something no one else would ever be able to find, including herself.

Carina rolled onto her knees, crawled to the edge of the bed, and sat back on her heels. She waved Maya forward, letting her take her time to approach like a timid animal. Her arms remained down at her sides, but Carina gripped her hips and slipped her thumbs under the hem of her shirt to massage the bare skin beneath.

“I want to give you an answer. I know you’re waiting for one, and I’ve been thinking about it so hard,” she began, the words tumbling out of her as she stared up at the shell of a woman in front of her. “I want to throw everything out the window. I want to. God, I want to but–”

“It’s okay,” Maya cut in, quiet and flat. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“That’s not–”

“Carina, it’s okay.”

Carina dug her fingertips in harder. “Uccellino…”

“Please…” Maya begged, her face cracking for the first time, exposing her raw underbelly. “Can… Can we just pretend? For one more minute? I want to pretend that you’re getting in that plane with me in the morning.”

“Maya–”

“Please? Please…”

Carina nodded, letting herself be swept backwards into the jumble of blankets and sheets as Maya pressed her into the mattress with her guiding weight. She let herself get lost in her mouth and her teeth and her lingering stares. They bore into each other—a futile attempt to worm their way under each other’s skin to live forever.

‘One more minute…’

“Nonna.”

Carina turned slowly in her seat, her back straining from too long spent sitting in one place. The sun was distinctively lower than she had realized. They had been there for hours. Time had slipped by around her without her noticing once again. Regardless of it’s passing, it took without question.

Liam approached on the footpath in a nice flannel button down and jeans, his boots scuffing on the packed dirt. His precious attempt at a beard had thankfully been trimmed down, which could only mean one thing.

“Hey, I’m sorry to rush you but Mom and Dad finally made it in.” He scratched at the back of his neck, ears pink as his eyes darted from Carina to Ana. “Hey, Ana.”

“Hey.” She waved, eyes darting. Carina couldn’t help but smile as she took both of them in. She knew longing. She knew it intimately. “You look nice.”

“You do too.” He chuckled, shifting from one foot to the other. “Um, I’m sorry for stealing my Nonna.”

“No worries.” Ana began gathering her recorder and bag without question. “Could we pick up on the rest of the story some time this week, maybe? I have a couple of classes but I’m pretty open.”

“Of course. I’m sure you’ll be able to reach out through Liam. You have his number, right?”

“Oh! I–no, I don’t.” Ana patted her pockets for her phone.

Carina winked at her grandson and subtly tipped her head towards Ana while her head was down. His eyes had grown to the size of saucers as he fumbled for his own phone. ‘Young love…’

While they exchanged numbers, Carina pushed herself to her feet, biting through the tug of her muscles and the ache in her bones. She was definitely not as young as she once was. Sometimes she forgot—her mind and heart still wild with a youth that hated its cage. What she would give to run and jump, but she had grown to enjoy the slower pace. It made time feel less abrasive, even though she was aware her time was much shorter now than it had been in 1946.

“You ready to go, Nonna?”

“Si. I’m sure your dad is going to burn our house down if we don’t hurry.”

Ana snorted. “Thank you for your time today, Carina.”

“It’s been an amazing day. Thank you.”

“I’ll see you soon.” She smiled, offering them both a wave as Liam helped her towards the waiting black SUV along the street. She looped her arm around his bicep.

“That was too smooth, Noona,” he whispered, holding open her door so she could get in. “Too smooth.”

“Thank me later.” She smirked. “Just make sure you call her or whatever it is that you kids do with phones nowadays.”

“Text, Nonna. We text.”

“Sure. Text.” She waved her hand dismissively. Technology hadn’t ever been her fortey. It had mattered very little and it all changed much too fast for her to bother learning. “Let’s go home.”

As Carina had expected, the house was quiet, but she could just make out the voices floating in through the open windows in the kitchen along with the smell of burning charcoal. Liam shut the door behind her and took her purse to hang on the hooks next to his backpack and leather jacket.

Carina sighed in contentment, thankful to be home. There was something refreshing about knowing she had nowhere else to be, protected from everything twisted in the world by the four walls she’d help create.

As she passed the kitchen island, she tapped the granate. “You two need to find a better place to do this. It’s going to get broken.”

Liam smiled sheepishly at the model plane currently resting on a pedestal. It was still primer gray and delicate. In truth, she simply did not wish to see anything broken. Having it on the counter was comforting. They spent time in the kitchen as a family, even if that meant doing things that weren’t related to food.

He slid open the back glass door. “I promise to clean it up after dinner.”

“Thank you.”

“Momma, it’s about time. I was afraid you were going to turn into a pumpkin,” Andrea said, setting aside the wire brush and embracing her. She had shrunk some in her old age and she could practically tuck her head under his chin. He smelled of kerosine.

“Don’t burn down my house. You hear me?” She waved a finger at him in warning, pulling a laugh from her son.

He held his hands up in surrender. “Yes, Momma. Meredith will be out soon. She went upstairs to call her sister real quick.”

“No rush. I’m just glad to have you two here.”

“We shouldn’t go this long without seeing each other anymore.”

“Agreed.” Carina sat down in the wooden chair along the backside of the house. The wood was smooth under her fingers.

“Did you have a good day?”

“It was really good. Ana is wonderful. I can see why Liam talks about her so much.”

Liam shook his head, but there was no denying the way his cheeks tinted a dark red. “I don’t talk about her that much.”

“Keep telling yourself that, kid.”

Carina tipped her head up as a hand came into her field of vision, fingers curled around the handle of a coffee cup. Steam still curled over the brim and the smell of it nearly made her groan. She helped guide it down to the arm of the chair.

“Grazie,” she whispered, resting her head against the back of the chair so she could better stare up at the love of her life. Her blonde hair had gone silver long before Carinas, but it still held that windswept wildness it always had. Her eyes were still the same bright blue of the ocean on a clear day.

Maya smiled, her eyes taking in every inch of Carina’s face. She settled on kissing her gently, her palms long gone soft, resting momentarily on her cheek. Carina let herself sigh then. She would never grow tired of kissing her. Never. She knew how lucky she was to have her.

“Welcome home,” Maya whispered into her mouth, brushing their noses together.

Time could change a lot of things. It could rip your heart into a million pieces, but it could also put it all back together. It could push and pull you. It could bend and break you, but one thing never changed over the last 25 years: she never stopped welcoming her home.