Archive of Our Own ^beta

Neo doesn’t get it. 

She really, really doesn’t. They had been in the Squidbeak Splatoon for a little over two years, and they still didn’t get it. He’d always see the three of them- Callie, Marie, and Captain, all chatting amongst each other. Except for one. Captain. 

Captain never talked. Not when everyone else was congratulating Neo on saving the world, not when Mr. Grizz was seconds away from turning the entirety of Earth into a fuzzifed, mammalian catastrophe, and they didn’t even talk when Neo had accidentally stepped into a blob of the damned furry ooze. 

He was more than used to silence, especially for most of his younger years when he roamed the desert alone for scrap metal. But it was strange when Callie and Marie just acted like they were talking, even pausing for Captain to nod or give some other small gesture. How could they possibly know what the Inkling was saying? Their mouth never opened! It was just dead silence! Neo didn’t understand!

She watches the trio with a small scowl from afar as she sits on a snowy patch with Little Buddy. The Salmonid has his nose stuck in the snow, digging and sniffing around as he searches for something to satisfy his endless appetite. Usually, Neo would laugh, but they were more occupied being perplexed than anything. Straining their ears, they listen to the conversation. 

“...It was all so good, Cap!” Callie says, full of enthusiasm. “I probably would’ve stayed there the entire day if Marie didn’t drag me out.”

“I couldn’t stomach any of the stuff.” Marie mutters, shaking her head. “You think that the Splatlands, for having so much culture, would have at least one dish without tomatoes, but here we are…”

They pause, and Captain gives a little smirk. There it is! That silence! Like it was all planned out- it freaked Neo out, if he was being honest. Were they a hivemind? Was this all scripted? Was his entire life a lie? She had watched a movie with a similar concept with Hiro and Anemone once. 

Callie chuckles. “You’re right, Captain! Marie is too sensitive.”

“I’m not listening to the guy who mixes their slushies at the gas station. That’s disgusting.” Marie grimaces, face falling. Neo just stares in bewilderment. Cap did not say that. They would’ve totally heard if they did. Where was Callie getting this from?

“I’m not sensitive.” Marie groans. “Cap is just gross. You’re ruining the flavors when you mix them together. Who in their right mind combines blue raspberry with pineapple?” 

“Right, ruining the flavorful intricacies of gas station slushies…” Callie snickers, and Marie just huffs, crossing her arms. 

“It’s still objectively gross.” 

Maybe Captain was an alien. Neo squints at the Inkling, studying their features. A blank expression, aimless eyes, a large, gnarly scar on the right side of their face… It could be plausible. He’d have to ask Anemone- they were crazy about that sorta stuff. 

But by extension, wouldn’t Callie and Marie be aliens too? Surely they would’ve noticed their behavior over time- after all, they had known Cap the longest besides Cuttlefish. But Neo didn’t trust old geezers, so he was out. 

Leaning back, Neo thinks. If they were aliens, then what was their purpose for being here? There always had to be a motive. Fame? No, Callie and Marie were on a hiatus and Cap seemed indifferent. Money? Definitely not. If Neo was an alien and aimed for riches, she wouldn’t be wearing the rags like the Captain was right now….

Power? Maybe. But it wouldn’t make sense- wouldn’t the Squidbeak Splatoon want to ally with the bad guy then stab them in the back? That’s what Neo would do, anyways. It didn’t make any sense. Perhaps they weren’t aliens. 

Little Buddy had been scurrying around, still trying to look for buried treasures like he did back in the desert. He flops onto the faux snow, dejected. Neo huffs a little in amusement. But they quickly snap back into focus as they hear the sound of Callie’s unmistakable laughter.

“Oh my cod! Cap!” She chuckles heartily. “You can’t just say that!”

“Yeesh.” Marie says dryly. “I see how it is.” 

Captain just offers a cheeky smile, eyes creasing as their lips pull back. Neo’s gaze narrows. Okay. So. Maybe they weren’t aliens. That’s fine! No one is right the first time around. But if they weren’t aliens, then what were they? Because no sane Inkling is that freakishly silent. 

When Neo had first come to the Splatoon, Callie- or was it Marie? Who cares. Either way, someone had told them that Captain was just shy. Sure, whatever, Neo could deal with that. Plenty of folks were introverted. But this was downright creepy. 

The most Agent Neo had seen from their Captain was when she had finally collected all the scrap pieces from Deep Cut, and they along with Callie and Marie had assembled it into a giant scissor thing. Neo didn’t really know. And right after they used it to clear the main island, they had promptly passed out. 

For being praised as the most skilled member of the New Squidbeak Splatoon, Captain sure was disappointing. 

Maybe Cap was just a bunch of smallfries in disguise. Far-fetched, sure, but maybe they replaced Captain at some point and Callie and Marie just didn’t notice. Little Buddy had told Neo similar stories from the Salmonid grounds before he got separated. Smallfries would gather underneath a costume and parade around for festivals- surely they could do something like that. 

It’d explain Captain’s nature too. Never getting up from their seat, always making minimal movements, never talking… The more Agent Neo thought about it, the more it made sense. That could be plausible. Besides, contrary to popular belief, Salmonids weren’t stupid. They could do something as drastic as that if they really wanted to. 

“To prove you wrong,” Marie huffs, catching Neo’s attention again. He’s not sure how much of the conversation he missed. “I bet I can hit more targets in a minute with my Charger than you with your Splatling.”

“Ooh! My money’s on Marie!” Callie adds in, and Captain just smirks, raising a brow. Then, they nod in agreement to the challenge.

“Game on then, Cap.” Marie flashes her usual lopsided grin, and Cap finally stands up, stretching out. That was a rare right. Neo squints at the Inkling, looking for any little Salmonid fins or tail, but finds none of them. She supposes Cap would look more wonky if her theory was true… Hm. 

Marie leaves her usual spot to grab her Charger, setting aside her umbrella in favor of the weapon. It settles into her hands nicely, and she starts to aim when her scope suddenly hits Neo. He stiffens as he’s spotted. 

“Oh, looks like we have a watcher.” Marie comments. Callie waves them over, and they sigh as their feet hit the chilly snow. 

“Why didn’t you come over earlier, Neo? You know we like having you around.” Callie chuckles as she and Smallfry bound over. Little Buddy immediately starts sniffing Marie’s Charger, and she seems more than happy to let him examine it. 

“Just thinking…” Neo mumbles, shoving her hands into her pockets. 

“Oh.” Callie offers him a small smile as her brows crease in slight concern. “Well, Mar and Cap are about to have a little contest if you want to watch.”

“Sure, whatever.” He mutters, practically burning a hole into the back of Captain’s head with how hard he’s staring. What was up with this guy? Neo watches the Inkling set up a small row of targets before hauling their Splatling over. She hears the familiar whirr before ink starts to fly out, hitting each balloon with precision. Callie whistles, impressed. 

Maybe Cap was a robot.

That’d explain why everybody was so impressed by them, their skill, and how they seemed burned out after one simple task. No wonder they passed out after clearing the main island- they had used up all of their battery! And Neo had seen how advanced technology had gotten. Captain could totally be a machine underneath!

“So, um…” Neo tries to segway into her topic smoothly. “What’s up with Captain? They never talk, but you guys reply to them like they do.” 

“Don’t you hear them?” Callie asks, tilting her head. He just stares, clearly confused. She clears her throat, looking at Cap. “Here, um, Cap, say something.”

A beat of silence passes as the Inkling looks blankly at both of them, the Splatling’s whirrs becoming quieter as the charge runs out. 

“See? Didn’t you hear that?” Callie gestures, and Neo feels a frown etching onto their face. Is she serious? There was literally no noise. She looks at Marie for backup, or some sort of elaboration, but the songstress is preoccupied with watching Little Buddy’s shenanigans. Neo groans. 

“No, I didn’t.” He huffs. Was this entire Splatoon full of crazies? Or was Neo just suddenly, very conveniently deaf for a few seconds?  “There was nothing to listen to in the first place.” 

“It’s complicated.” Marie finally interjects. “You just kind of know what Cap’s saying over time.”

Neo’s face falls. That was a dumb answer. A fabricated answer. They were lying! Surely! This all seemed strange, and she wouldn’t take a shitty answer like that. Scowl deepening, they speak again.

“You two sound insane!” Agent Neo mutters, crossing his arms and brows furrowing in annoyance. Her piercing gaze settles on Captain, and the Inkling stares back with a questioning expression. They feel frustrated, and it was clearly starting to seep out in their words. “Why don’t you talk?! Why don’t you say a single thing?!”

“You’ll understand when you’re older.” Marie says quickly, and after a few moments of hesitance, Callie nods enthusiastically. A little too enthusiastically. At the end of their rope, Neo groans, rubbing their face. This was stupid. They were stupid. What would it take for her to get a straight answer?!

Scoffing, he kicks the snow idly with a frown. Callie offers him a sympathetic smile while Marie just raises a brow, unimpressed. Captain, per usual, has no reaction to any of her words. None at all. Neo’s tempted to spit in their face- maybe that’d make them speak. Mess up their circuits or something. She huffs and stalks off with Little Buddy not far behind. 

Whatever, it’s all grown-up talk anyways.