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The alleyway was narrow, dimly lit, and reeked of stale beer and cigarette smoke. A lone streetlight flickered intermittently above, casting eerie shadows on the wet pavement. The only source of illumination coming from the flickering neon signs and the pale moonlight filtering through the cloud. It was as if the world had been frozen in time, waiting for something extraordinary to happen.
The neon lights cast an otherworldly glow over the alleyway, the cigarette dangling lazily from Soobin's lips as he leaned against the brick wall. He exhaled, the smoke swirling around him like a living thing. The alley behind the club was a place of shadows and secrets, where the neon lights barely reached, leaving the world in a cold, hazy glow. Secrets are always done in the dark. Soobin’s black hair was always slicked back, and his tattoos snaked up and down his arms, visible even when he wore long sleeves. He was a man who commanded attention, and he knew it. Soobin leaned against the brick wall, the harsh smoke from his cigarette burning its way down to his lungs, his eyes fixed on the figure walking toward him.
Beomgyu. Soobin’s secret.
The younger man's face was flushed, his breath ragged, and it was clear he'd been running. Soobin took another drag on his cigarette, savoring the taste as he watched Beomgyu approach, his body swaying gently with each step. When Beomgyu finally reached him, he let out a shaky breath and leaned against the wall, their shoulders barely touching. "Soobin," he murmured, his voice barely audible over the thumping bass from within the club. They stand in silence for a few seconds before Beomgyu asks, “When will you stop smoking?” The other looks at him, chuckling bitterly but doesn’t respond but pulls Beomgyu by his neck, exhaling the smoke and on some twisted reflex, Beomgyu opens his mouth to welcome it. If it were anyone else, he would’ve cringed and said something about how secondhand smoke kills but this is simply not just anyone. It’s the man he’s been in love with since high school, 9 years to be exact.
"I've missed you." The alleyway was deserted, save for the occasional car speeding past on the main road. Soobin exhaled a stream of smoke, watching it curl around Beomgyu's face.
"Really?" he drawled, not bothering to hide the cruel amusement in his voice. "And what made you think I'd want to see you?" He was mean to Beomgyu, always had been, but that didn't stop Beomgyu from being in love with him, never did
Beomgyu flinched, his eyes dropping to the ground. "I-I'm sorry. I just... I couldn't help myself." His voice was barely above a whisper, full of longing and desperation. “I just.. wanted you.”
And he could only think of how jealous he is of Taehyun that he could see Soobin any time he wants. It was so easy for the other to have such an advantage Beomgyu has to beg for
Soobin studied Beomgyu's face for a moment, the smirk on his lips fading slightly. He took another drag on his cigarette, exhaling another stream of smoke into the air between them. Without warning, he leaned in, roughly pushing Beomgyu against the wall. The younger man let out a strangled gasp as Soobin's lips found his neck, sucking roughly on the soft flesh. "Touch yourself," he growled into Beomgyu's ear. "Show me how much you want me." Beomgyu's breath hitched in his throat, his body trembling beneath Soobin's touch. He did, god, he wants Soobin so bad he would probably get down on his knees in the middle of anywhere just for the man and whisper his name like he is just that… God. His fingers fumbled with the button of his pants, struggling to undo them as quickly as possible. Once his pants were undone, he pushed them down, revealing his aching erection. Soobin's gaze raked over him, taking in the sight of Beomgyu's arousal, the bead of precum at the tip of his cock. He let go of Beomgyu's arms, stepping back just enough to admire the view.
Beomgyu leaned forward, his hands gripping the wall behind him, his hips moving involuntarily as he continued to stroke himself. Soobin circled around him, his movements fluid and confident. He reached out, running his fingers lightly over Beomgyu's cock before taking it into his hand, helping him finish. The younger man arched his back, a loud groan escaping from his throat as he came, his seed spilling over Soobin's fingers.
Soobin wipes his hand on Beomgyu's shirt, watching as the younger man tried to catch his breath. He took another drag on his cigarette, enjoying the way the smoke danced in the hazy light. Beomgyu's hands trembled as he reached out to touch Soobin's arm. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his gaze falling to the floor. "I shouldn't have come."
Soobin's lips curled into a cruel smile. "Oh, you shouldn't have?" He leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a menacing whisper. "But you did. And now you're here, if you cumming wasn’t enough, I can practically see you begging to be fucked by your friend’s boyfriend’s cock." He took hold of Beomgyu's chin, forcing the younger man to meet his gaze.
Beomgyu doesn’t say anything because it’s true.
Beomgyu's heart raced as he felt Soobin's grip tighten. His eyes darted away, unable to meet the older man's harsh stare. "I-I'm sorry," he repeats, his voice barely audible. "I can’t help myself but you were mine before you were his.”
Soobin's features softened slightly. "You can’t?" he asked, his voice still cold but now laced with a hint of curiosity. "You came running to me, remember? I didn't chase you down." And suddenly Beomgyu is back in high school, asking Soobin to be his just to be met with a sad smile.
Beomgyu closed his eyes, savoring the feel of Soobin's strong arms around him. He could feel the younger man's heart racing beneath his hand. "I'm sorry," he murmured against Soobin's neck. "I can't help it. I love you."
Soobin growled, his hands gripping Beomgyu's ass roughly. "Do you now?" He bit down on Beomgyu's earlobe, drawing a shiver through the younger man's body. "Then take what you want." Beomgyu wants to believe this is Soobin’s way of saying that he loves him too.
And Beomgyu didn’t need to be told twice, he moans into the kiss, his hands fisting in Soobin's shirt as he clung to him. He pushed against Soobin, grinding their hips together. The feeling of being wanted, desired, was overwhelming, and he couldn't help but give in to the passion that consumed him. He reached up, tangling his fingers in Soobin's hair, pulling him even closer. Soobin groaned, his body responding to Beomgyu's touch. He slid his hands down the younger man's back, cupping his ass, and squeezed. He pulled Beomgyu even harder against him, their hips grinding together in a rhythmic motion that felt almost painful in its intensity. Their lips parted, and they gasped for air, their chests heaving together. "God, you feel so good," Soobin panted, his breath hot against Beomgyu's neck. "I've missed this." I missed you. He reached around, his hand finding the younger man's erection through his pants. He squeezed gently, and Beomgyu arched his back, moaning into Soobin's ear. The music pounded around them, but they were oblivious to everything but each other. Beomgyu felt Soobin's free hand slide up his chest, tracing gentle circles around his nipple before pinching hard. He cried out, his hips bucking against Soobin's touch.
The older man smiled into the kiss, his teeth nipping at Beomgyu's bottom lip. "You know you belong to me," he whispered, his voice husky with desire. "You always have." He pushed Beomgyu up against the wall, pinning him there with his body weight as he continued to stroke him through his pants. It was here, in this shadowy corner, where Choi Soobin and Choi Beomgyu found solace, escaping from the watchful eyes of the world. Their fingers entwined, they swayed to the rhythm of a song only they could hear, their bodies pressing against each other in a desperate dance of desire. Beomgyu’s heart pounded in his chest as Soobin’s hands roamed over his body, teasing and taunting his senses. He could feel the hardness of Soobin’s length through his pants, aching for release, and it only served to fuel his need for him. With a soft moan, he arched his back, offering himself up to his touch.
Beomgyu can feel his control slipping away as he gripped Soobin's shoulders, digging his nails into the soft skin. "Please," he breathed, his hips moving of their own accord. "I need you." He doesn't care how or where he just wants, needs, the man in front of him to touch him, caress him anywhere but that would be far too delicate for such a dirty scene. Soobin smiles softly, enjoying how wrecked Beomgyu looks already from just a few kisses. He sets Beomgyu down and wastes no time in unbuckling Soobin’s pants. He loves this man. Soobin tugs on Beomgyu’s hair, so his chest is against the younger’s back as he marks him, claims him, to let everyone see that he has a lover. A lover that is not his, a lover that has his own lover just beyond those doors that their dropped pants are next to. He had him first anyway.
“B-Bin, please!” Beomgyu cries out again, unsure of what he is begging for but Soobin knows, he always does. He speeds up, holding onto Beomgyu’s hips, bruising them with one hand while the other comes up to Beomgyu’s chest and plays with his nipple piercing, a hanging ‘S.’ Soobin can still remember the look of pure terror when he proposed the idea that he pierced the younger’s nipples with the excuse of its something to remind me by, gyu just to be met with protests but Beomgyu did it anyway, he always did. Their movements were furious and unyielding, as if they were trying to punish each other through their passion and perhaps they were.
“I got you, love.” Soobin’s husky voice whispers in his ear, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
Suddenly, Beomgyu is seeing constellations, thanking God for a man that goes by the name of Soobin.
Soobin interlocks his hand in Beomgyu’s scrapped ones against the wall, trailing soft kisses, far too soft for the infidelity they were having, down his neck. “I love you.” Beomgyu whispers like a prayer and recites like a mantra because yes, he loves this man more than he would ever know.
Soobin growled, his lips finding the side of Beomgyu's neck. He kissed and nipped at the skin there, leaving a trail of tender, stinging marks that only served to heighten Beomgyu's arousal. Soobin looked down at Beomgyu, his expression a mixture of desire and tenderness. With a groan, he positioned himself at Beomgyu's entrance, feeling the younger man's body open eagerly to welcome him back. He thrust forward, feeling the tight heat engulf him as he sank deeper and deeper. Beomgyu cried out, arching his back off the wall as Soobin's hips began to move in a rhythm that felt so right.
Their bodies moved together in perfect harmony, the sounds of their breathing and the music mingling in the air around them. Soobin's hands found Beomgyu's hips, holding him close as he thrust harder, deeper. Beomgyu's nails dug into Soobin's shoulders, leaving tiny red lines on his skin as he met each thrust with a grind of his hips.
Their sweat mingled, their breaths became ragged as they lost themselves in the moment. Time seemed to stand still as they moved together, their bodies connected in a way that felt both familiar and new. It was as if they had never been apart, as if this was where they belonged.
As they reached the peak together, Soobin's name fell from Beomgyu's lips in a pleading whimper. He felt himself spilling over the edge again, his body shuddering with the force of his release as he came, warmth spilling onto the both of them. Soobin followed seconds later, his voice hoarse as he cried out Beomgyu's name, his body tensing as he came inside him. They collapsed together, their breathing ragged and their bodies slick with sweat and pleasure. Beomgyu rested his head on Soobin's chest, listening to the steady thump of his heart as he tried to catch his breath. He could feel Soobin's fingers lazily tracing circles on his back, a small, contented smile playing at the corners of his mouth. They disregarded their grave on their backs, the roughness of the peoples scrapping their spines. God, Beomgyu thinks, I’m going to need a long shower.
The first rays of dawn slither through the thin curtains, casting a warm, golden light across the room. Beomgyu's eyes flutter open, his pupils slowly adjusting to the newfound light. His eyelashes are long and dark against his pale skin, and his eyebrows, thick and expressive, furrow into a frown as he remembers the events of the previous night.
He had met Soobin at the club, as they'd arranged. They'd danced, laughed, and drank together, as if they were the only two people in the world. And then, after hours of losing themselves in each other's company, they'd found themselves back at Beomgyu's place. They'd kissed, undressed, and made love with a desperation that bordered on obsession. It was as if their bodies were fused together, incapable of existing without the other, the memory makes him blush.
Beomgyu’s heart skipped a beat as he registered the unfamiliar presence in the bed beside him. He sat up quickly, his eyes darting over to the figure lying there. It was Soobin. He was here and not just in his dreams. His hair was a mess, his eyes were still closed, and one of his arms was draped carelessly over his chest. Beomgyu felt a strange mixture of emotions surging through him. On one hand, he felt a rush of happiness and relief, knowing that Soobin was here with him. On the other hand, there was panic. Where did Taehyun think Soobin was? Beomgyu leaned over and gently shook Soobin's shoulder. "Hey, sleepyhead. Wake up," he whispered, his voice filled with affection. He watched as Soobin's eyelids fluttered open, revealing those familiar, piercing brown eyes. There was a brief moment of confusion in Soobin's expression before recognition dawned. Without a word, he stretches lazily, “I need to get going.” His hoarse morning voice grumbles, glancing over at the fidgeting boy. “You look like you have something tod say.”
"You...you didn't have to come back, you know," Beomgyu says, his voice barely above a whisper. He couldn't help but wonder if Soobin had just come back because he felt guilty about their secret relationship, or if there was something more to it.
Soobin raised an eyebrow, arching his back slightly as he studied Beomgyu's face. "And why is that?" he asked, his tone slightly mocking. "Did you think I'd just leave you?" He leaned in closer.
You have before Beomgyu wants to say because no matter how many times Soobin whispers he loves him, he’s always gone in a couple of hours.
"Well, you know..." Beomgyu stammered, feeling a blush creep up his neck. "I thought maybe...you wanted some space. Or maybe you just felt guilty about...us."
Soobin chuckled, leaning back slightly and looking into Beomgyu's eyes. "Oh, you should know I’m not the type to feel guilty about something I want," he said with a soft smile. "Just know your place.” His hand slipped under the hem of Beomgyu's shirt, tracing circles on his stomach.
Beomgyu couldn't help but let out a shiver at the touch. He reached up, tangling their fingers together, and pulled Soobin closer. “I missed you so much.”
Soobin smiled, his eyes bright with affection. "I'm here now," he said, pressing their bodies together. "And I'm not going anywhere." His hand moved up, cupping Beomgyu's cheek, and he leaned in, their lips just a breath apart. A lie Beomgyu always forced himself to believe. Beomgyu closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of Soobin's breath against his skin. He could feel the other boy's heart racing beneath his fingers, and it only served to heighten his own desire. He leaned into the touch, his own heart hammering in his chest. “At least not for the next 2 minutes.”
When Soobin finally kissed him, it was soft and gentle, a promise of things to come. But even as he savored the moment, a pang of loss stabbed at his heart. He knew that Soobin would have to leave again soon, and the thought of being apart from him was almost unbearable. He wanted nothing more than to hold on to this feeling, to keep this moment frozen in time, but he knew it was impossible. Sooner or later, reality would intrude, and they would have to face the world. Beomgyu watched as Soobin gathered his things, his movements careful and deliberate. He couldn't help but notice the way the light from the window cast a soft glow over Soobin's skin, making his hair look like liquid gold. It was a beautiful sight, one that Beomgyu knew he would remember for the rest of his life.
"I'll call you later," Soobin murmured, not looking back as he slipped out the door. Another lie. Beomgyu nodded to the empty room, his throat tight as he forced out the words, "Okay." The click of the lock was like a gunshot in the quiet room. He stood there for a moment, staring at the closed door, the air heavy with the scent of their lovemaking and the unspoken words that hung between them. He walked over to the window, watching as Soobin disappeared down the street, his steps growing more and more distant until he was nothing but a speck of color against the gray sidewalk. Beomgyu bit back a groan, feeling the familiar ache in his chest begin to return. He hated the feeling of being alone, of knowing that Soobin was out there somewhere and he couldn't reach him, somewhere with Taehyun.
He turned away from the window, his eyes falling on the bed where they had been so close only moments before. The sheets were tangled and messy, a testament to their passionate reunion. He ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the warmth that still lingered there from their bodies. It was times like these that he wished he could just stay here, locked in this room with Soobin, forever but he knew that wasn't possible. They had responsibilities, lives outside of this room. Soobin had Taehyun outside. As much as he hated the thought of being apart from Soobin, he knew they had to face reality eventually. He climbed under the covers, wrapping himself in the comforting scent of Soobin's skin and the lingering warmth that clung to the sheets. Maybe if he could just close his eyes and pretend for a little while longer, it would be enough.
Beomgyu lay there for what felt like hours, trying to fall asleep but unable to escape the memories that danced through his mind. He replayed their lovemaking over and over again like an old film, savoring each touch and each breath, wishing he could freeze this moment in time. Eventually, exhaustion overtook him and he drifted off, his dreams filled with images of Soobin's face, his voice, his touch. He was jolted awake by the harsh ring of his phone. For a moment, he didn't recognize the unfamiliar room, the unfamiliar bed. Then it all came rushing back to him: Soobin had left. The realization was like a punch to the gut, and he struggled to catch his breath. He hates himself. He feels disgusting but how can he when he can still feel Soobin’s lingering touch on his skin.
Alone again, he lay in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. The room felt so cold without Soobin there. He thought about getting up, going for a walk or something to clear his head, but the thought of leaving the comfort of their once shared space was too much. Instead, he reached for his phone, browsing through pictures of him and Soobin. There were selfies they'd taken, candid shots from parties and concerts, even a few pictures from when they were younger. Each one brought a small smile to his face, but it was fleeting.
He tossed the phone aside, sighing heavily. It was pointless to dwell on it. He rolled onto his side, curling into a ball and wrapping his arms around his chest. The familiar smell of Soobin's shampoo lingered in the air, and he could almost feel the weight of his presence in the room.
The days that followed were a blur of numbness. Beomgyu went through the motions of his daily routine, but he felt like he was living in a dream. He didn't talk to Soobin much, and when they did, their conversations were strained and awkward. It was as if Soobin built a wall between them.
At night, Beomgyu found himself lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had made a mistake, that he should have done something differently. Maybe he should’ve been clingier. The ache in his chest only grew stronger, and he often found himself reaching for his phone to text Soobin, only to stop himself at the last moment. During the day, they tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy, but the tension between them was palpable. They avoided each other's gaze, and any physical contact was carefully orchestrated to avoid accidentally brushing against the other. It was as if they were two strangers and the air between them was thick with unspoken words and unresolved feelings.
At night, when the lights were out and only the dim glow of his phone illuminated the darkness, Beomgyu would often find himself imagining what it would be like to reach out and touch Soobin. He would close his eyes, picturing the way his fingers would intertwine with Soobin's, the warmth of his skin, the softness of his hair. It was a comforting thought, but it was always followed by the harsh reality of their situation. And on some nights, Soobin would come by, drunk or high and would touch him in places he would kiss Taehyun and whisper things he would only yell to Taehyun.
Beomgyu remembered when they first happened. It was last year, Taehyun had blonde hair that was always perfectly styled, and he had a build that came from hours spent at the gym. He was charming and confident, and he had his sights set on Soobin. Soobin, for his part, seemed to enjoy the attention he received from Taehyun. They look at one another with so much love that Beomgyu felt he was intruding just by sitting next to them. But beneath the surface, beneath all of the lingering kisses and smiles Soobin and Taehyun give one another, things were more complicated than they seemed. Soobin and Beomgyu were in a secret relationship, one that Beomgyu had fought hard for. They would meet in secret, have passionate sex, and then go back to their lives as if nothing had happened but here comes Taehyun, smiling like Soobin hung the stars in the sky and just maybe, Beomgyu looks at Soobin like that too. Perhaps Soobin did. He remembers finding out about Soobin and Taehyun. He would rather not.
Beomgyu gets up, ignoring the guilt in his chest.
The night was alive with the sounds of the city, the distant roar of cars on the highway and the neon lights casting a kaleidoscope of colors across the streets. Soobin, tall and lithe, stood in the living room, gazing down at the river below from the window. Beomgyu could only think that he was finally home. Soobin’s fingers traced the outline of a tattoo on his wrist, a delicate rendering of a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. He didn't remember getting it, but then again, he didn't remember much from the past few weeks. Soobin’s days have been filled with drugs and liquor, an unhealthy combination for an unhealthy lifestyle. He doesn't deserve much anyway but he’s not guilty, he loves Taehyun, Beomgyu is nothing, will always be nothing but he is the one constant in Soobin’s shitty life. He lights a cigarette before feeling cool hands, unlike Taehyun’s warm ones, snake around his body and he has the urge to push away, flinching. “What do you want?” He bites out, not bothering to even glance at Beomgyu.
“Come back to bed.” The younger whispers, scared to provoke the other.
Soobin rolls his eyes, prying Beomgyu’s bonds hands off. He’s gotten thinner he thinks but quickly dismisses the thought. “I’m leaving. Taehyun is expecting me back tongiht.”
Beomgyu hates it. Hates sharing. “You’re going to leave-“
“Yes. I’m leaving you.” Soobin interrupts, walking back to Beomgyu’s room and gathering his discarded clothes. He’s halfway with his shoes on when Beomgyu cries. Here we go Soobin thinks
“I love you!” Beomgyu yells, “why am I never good enough?” Beomgyu's voice shook as he spoke. "Why are you being like this? Why do you have to be with him? Don't you feel anything for me?"
Soobin's face twisted into a mocking smile. "Oh, Beomgyu, you really are something else. You think I don't feel anything? Of course I feel something, but it's not what you want me to feel."
He took a step closer, his voice dropping to a husky whisper. "I feel trapped. I feel like I'm stuck in a situation I don't want to be in. And you, my dear Beomgyu, are a constant reminder of that. Every time I see you, I remember the person I used to be before Taehyun. The person who was free, who could love whoever they wanted."
Soobin turned away from him, shoulders slumped in defeat. Beomgyu's heart ached at the sight, but he couldn't help but feel a spark of anger ignite within him as well. He reached out, gripping Soobin's arm tightly. "Then why don't you leave him? Why don't you choose me?"
Soobin shook his head, pulling his arm free. "Because it's not that simple, Beomgyu. You don't understand what it's like to be in love with someone who isn't you. To know that if you leave them, they'll be hurt... and so will you." He took a step back, his gaze meeting Beomgyu's once more. "And even if I did leave him, what makes you think I'd choose you? You're just as much of a mess as I am."
Beomgyu feel tears cloud his eyes. "I can change, Soobin. I'll change for you. I'll be stronger, better. I'll show you that I'm worth it."
Soobin let out a bitter laugh. "You don't understand, do you? I've known you for years, Beomgyu. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I'm not just talking about the scars on your wrists…I’ve seen the new ones. You're still the same person you've always been. You're just as lost and confused as you were before."
Beomgyu gnaws at his lip, “You.. you made me like this.” He whispers.
“Don’t blame me for your problems. You knew I was with Taehyun, you’re the one who threw yourself at me.” Soobin scoffs. “Don’t act so innocent.”
“I’m not.” Beomgyu hurries, “I’m not. I know I’m a sinner, guilter than thou for trying to steal my friend’s boyfriend but I loved- knew- you first. Why couldn’t it have been me?”
Silence engulfs them and Beomgyu prays the floor would open up and swallow him. It seems like hours go by before Soobin finally answers. “Because you’re just as broken as I am.” His voice grew softer. "And even if I did leave Taehyun for you... do you really think you'd be happy with me? You'd always be second best. You'd always be the one I settled for instead of my first choice."
Soobin turned and walked away, leaving Beomgyu standing alone in the center of the apartment. Tears welled up in his eyes as he watched Soobin disappear behind the door. He wanted to believe that Soobin was wrong, that they could find a way to be together, but deep down, he knew the truth. He was just as trapped as Soobin, caught between his love for Soobin and his blooming insecurities. All he does is hurt, he takes and takes from people but can’t give anything in return but his heart. The one man he loves looks at him in disgust.
So he screams, screams over thing she can’t have and things that he does. He screams over Soobin, wishing to go back to the past where there days were filled with laughter, he screams for himself, wanting to be better than Taehyun.
He wipes away the tears that had spilled over, taking a deep breath to steady his racing heart. He’s disgusting.
It was a warm summer evening, and the sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon. The air was thick with the scent of jasmine and freshly cut grass. The sky was painted with the most vibrant shades of pink, orange, and purple, as if someone had dipped a brush into a pot of watercolor paints and splattered it across the heavens. But Beomgyu didn't notice any of this. He was too busy staring at the bottle of pills in his hand, his fingers trembling ever so slightly.
His mind raced with memories of the time he had spent with Soobin: the way Soobin's smile lit up a room, the way his laughter filled the air, the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at Taehyun. It all came rushing back to him in a torrent, drowning him in a sea of jealousy and despair. He hated himself for feeling this way, but he couldn't help it. He loved Soobin with a passion that burned hotter than the sun, and the thought of losing him was unbearable.
What went wrong?
As he stared at the pills in his hand, he could feel his resolve beginning to slip away. He wanted so desperately to talk to Soobin, to try and make things better between them. But he knew that deep down, there was no hope for their relationship. So, with a shaking hand, he popped the cap off the bottle and began to swallow the pills, one by one.
As the bitter taste of the medicine filled his mouth, he closed his eyes and tried to remember the last time Soobin had looked at him the way he used to. It had been months ago, at a birthday party. They had been dancing together, laughing together, and for those brief moments, he had felt like everything was perfect. But then Taehyun had come along, and everything had changed. The image of them together flashed through his mind: Soobin with his arm around Taehyun's shoulders, their bodies pressed together as they laughed at some private joke. It was like a knife to the heart, a physical reminder of the love that Soobin had for Taehyun, and not for him. He had tried so hard to compete, to be enough for Soobin, but it had never been enough.
As the last of the pills went down, he felt a strange calm wash over him. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the pain of his heart breaking, and instead focused on the memory of the way Soobin had looked at him when they had first met. There had been something special there, something that made him feel like the world had stopped spinning for just a moment. But that had been a long time ago, before Taehyun had come along and changed everything.
He sat there for what felt like hours, the sun dipping lower and lower in the sky, painting streaks of orange and pink across the horizon. His mind wandered, imagining what it would be like if he had never met Soobin, if he had never felt this consuming love. Would he be happy? Would he be content with someone else? He didn't know. All he knew was that he couldn't go on like this, torturing himself with thoughts of a love that would never be returned.
Eventually, the pain became too much to bear but he dials Soobin’s number anyway.
"Soobin...," he began, his voice barely a whisper. "I...I just wanted to talk."
Soobin sighs, annoyance laced in his tone. "What's there to talk about?" he asked, his voice hoarse. "You know how I feel."
Beomgyu swallowed hard, struggling to find the words to express how he felt. "I know," he said finally. "I just...I wanted to try and understand. I wanted to try and make things better."
Soobin laughed bitterly, a hollow sound that cut through Beomgyu like a knife. "There's nothing to understand," he said, shaking his head. "It's just the way things are. Taehyun and I...we belong together. We always have."
The words hit Beomgyu like a punch to the gut, and he winced, struggling to breathe. "But..." he began, his voice trembling. "What about us? What about what we had?"
Soobin looked away, unable to meet Beomgyu's gaze. "What we had was sex," he said softly.
Beomgyu closed his eyes, trying to block out the pain. He wanted to hold onto the hope that maybe someday Soobin's feelings would change, but he knew deep down that it was futile. He had to accept the truth: he had lost the person he loved most in the world. And as much as it hurt, he knew that he had to let him go just as he left himself.
"Then I guess there's nothing left to say," he said, forcing a small smile. "I just wanted to make sure you understood how much you mean to me."
Soobin's grip on his hand tightened. "I've always known that, Beomgyu," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "And I will always care about you. But..."
But what? Beomgyu thought to himself. There was no "but" when it came to love. There was only the agonizing realization that the person you loved didn't love you back, and the slow, painful process of trying to move on.
He forced another smile, even as tears streamed down his face. "You’ll regret this," he said, his voice barely audible. "I pray you are riddled with guilt but I will take our secret to my grave.” He forced a fake cough, clearing his throat, and hangs up, his heart feeling as if it were being ripped from his chest. He knew that this was the last time he would hear Soobin. The realization was like a knife to his already wounded heart, and he collapsed against the wall, sobs racking his body as he struggled to catch his breath.
He didn't know how long he stayed there, lost in the agony of his emotions, but eventually, there was a tentative knock on the front door. "Beomgyu?" It was Taehyun's voice, sweet like honey, oblivious to the hornet just beyond the doors. "Can I come in?"
Beomgyu didn't respond, his body too wracked with pain to move. There was a brief silence, and then the door opened, revealing Taehyun, his expression a mix of concern and confusion. He’s far too nice, I don’t deserve that look. He took a hesitant step forward, and then another, until he was standing infront of Beomgyu. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Beomgyu shook his head, unable to meet Taehyun's gaze. He could feel the weight of Soobin's words pressing down on him, making it impossible to breathe. "No," he managed to choke out. "I'm not." Taehyun takes Beomgyu in his arms and he could feel it, feel when Beomgyu went limp in his arms and feel when his breathing slowly died down.
Beomgyu was gone.
And Taehyun couldn’t understand why.
“Why would he do this?” Taehyun had cried in Soobin’s arms that night oblivious to the relief in his lover’s eyes.
“Who knows?” Soobin comforts, tracing circles around the younger’s back.
Beomgyu was gone.
And Soobin knew why.